Posted tagged ‘Arkansas jokes’

Mother of Invention?

November 11, 2015

An Arkansas woman has been charged with child endangement when her baby ended up in the hospital with a blood alcohol level of .19%. She allegedly told police that her mother had suggested rubbing alcohol on his gums for teething pain, so she put bourbon in his bottle. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ ‪#‎yourmoveFlorida‬ ‪#‎andthesepeoplecanVOTE‬

Walmart workers are trying to get the chain to extend the general merchandise 10% employee discount to food. Walmart is no doubt countering with “Are you kidding? On our wages you already get a discount through food stamps..

On Veteran’s Day it’s so nice to see all the GOP candidates who want to expand our military also talk about how we need to pour money into more veterans’ healthcare and other services. ‪#‎sarcasm‬

The end of a San Francisco era. Carol Doda, 78, has passed away after a long illness. Maybe her next of kin had time to order a special (double) bubble top coffin?

Bob Dole has just endorsed Jeb Bush for President. How sad. Didn’t realize that Senator Dole was suffering from dementia.

Joe’s Crab Shack is eliminating tipping at their 113 restaurants, and upping their minimum wage from $2.13 for waitstaff to $14 an hour. That stampeding sound you probably hear is all Joe’s really good waiters and waitresses heading to jobs at other restaurants.

Okay, after all Marco Rubio’s criticism of liberal arts- apparently he’s been slamming philosophers for months, what’s HIS undergraduate degree from Florida? A Bachelor of Arts in Political Science.

Marco Rubio says we need more welders and less (sic) philosophers. With Rubio and his fellow candidates’ general world views I can understand why they’re against philosophy – the philosophy course I took at Stanford was “Principles of Logic.”

A Tempe city councilman, who said he had recent back surgery, and who presumably took advantage of an free sideline football pass, is now suing Arizona State claiming the school mascot jumped on him and injured his back.
‪#‎ifonlyhewerearmed‬

A Bloomingdale’s holiday catalog featured a picture of a man looking a a laughing woman with the “spike your best friend’s eggnog when they’re not looking.” What’s next, will the store decide their new holiday spokesman will be Bill Cosby?

Donald Trump, defending his plan to deport 11 millions illegals and arguing with John Kasich, said “I built an unbelievable company worth billions and billions of dollars,” so “I don’t have to listen to this man.”
Have to wonder, in building and maintaining that “unbelievable company,” how many of those Trump has employed are illegals?

Wow, just wow. So last week, pictures were released of Greg Hardy’s ex-girlfriend, covered in bruises. And this week Hardy briefly changed his Twitter handle to “Perfection,” and his bio “Innocent until proven guilty-lack of knowledge & information is just ignorance-the unjust/prejudicial treatment of diff categories of people is discrimination.”
Too soon to start a pool on Hardy’s next arrest?
‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ ‪#‎cantfixbeinganasshole‬

Donald  Trump‬ wants to deport 11 million people and have immigrants in future only arrive for legal reasons, like marrying rich older men.

Drudge Report founder Matt Drudge apparently asked on Twitter “Can we talk about Hillary’s wig?’ For all those who thought we couldn’t go any lower than the Starbucks cup controversy….

Red, red, whine…..

April 20, 2012

After an outcry from vegans, Starbucks is changing its Strawberry Soy Frappucino recipe to eliminate a common red dye made from crushed cochineal bugs, in favor of a tomato-based extract. Here’s a radical idea, what about using strawberries?

Newt Gingrich is apparently still getting Secret Service protection. Although at this point the security detail has been reduced to three people. Curiously, that’s about as many as his remaining supporters.”


An Alabama football player has been hospitalized following a fight where shots were fired. What’s was the kid doing, trying to get on the draft radar for the Cincinnati Bengals?

The Colts have apparently told Andrew Luck he’ll be their #1 pick. In related news a Kenyan won the Boston Marathon.

Carnival-owned Princess Cruises doing an internal investigation because one of their ships allegedly ignored a small boat in distress and two men died. Will the captain’s defense be that he just thought it was another Costa captain who fell into a lifeboat?

About 50 students at Berkeley High School in California will be suspended and two or three expelled for a scheme where they got into the school’s computer and were able to change their attendance record for several months. Wonder how many high tech companies have offered the kids who were involved jobs?

Bud Selig said today that the Oakland A’s need a new stadium to survive, but he has “no timetable” for the resolution of their territorial rights issue with the Giants, an issue Selig formed a “blue ribbon committee” for over 3 years ago. Even Brett Favre is saying “Make up your bleeping minds.”

Arkansas AD Jeff Long says he has 25 pages of detailed notes from ex-coach Petrino and Jessica Dorrell about their relationship. Now court documents say John Edwards’ trial will include “intimate voice-mail messages” between him and Rielle Hunter. Which of these wins the TMI award?

Former Arkansas coach Bobby Petrino told his boss that his affair with Jessica Dorrell only began last fall when they were sitting in a car eating lunch and she said “are you going to kiss me?” Where’s the “Just say No” campaign when you need it.

Petrino said his affair with Jessica Dorrell lasted about 5 months and was over in February. Right. Nothing says a relationship is over like a secret motorcycle ride for two at midnight.

SMU hired Larry Brown as their head men’s basketball coach. Brown, 71, hasn’t coached since he looked over-the-hill in 2010 and left the Charlotte Bobcats with a 9-19 record. Considering the Bobcats this year are 7-54, Larry now looks like a genius by comparison.

Obama re-election campaign offering supporters a chance to enter a raffle for dinner with the President and Georgy Clooney. Wonder if Romney campaign will counter with a raffle for Mitt and Ted Nugent?

A Delta Airlines flight leaving JFK Airport today hit a flock of birds and had to return for an emergency landing. No injuries were reported. Well, except for the birds.

The way the San Jose Sharks playing Thursday night looks like someone pulled the plug on their power plays.

The Vatican is blasting the “Leadership Conference of Women Religious”, a U.S. group they say sponsors conferences that feature “radical feminist themes incompatible with the Catholic faith,” including supporting Obamacare. The members of this “liberal” group? 55,000 American nuns..

From Marc Ragovin: “As Jamie Moyer labored to get his record setting win at age 49, many wondered if he would make it out of the seventh inining. Literally.”


And open note to readers. ESPN.com has decided to put their fun weekly Top 10 Readers Lines on a given subject on hiatus at least for a while. So to very partially fill in the hole, I’m going to try a few Top 10’s on this blog. First week – “10 ten signs lines about how old Jamie Moyer is” Reader suggestions encouraged in comments. Aiming for Monday morning post.

(and yes, I know this is like shooting fish in a barrel. With a musket.)

Dumb and dumber, another sequel.

April 11, 2012

Arkansas has fired Bobby Petrino, saying the now-ex football coach, “knowingly misled” and “engaged in reckless behavior” with an employee less than half his age. Gosh, if there had only been another example of such a thing happening to a powerful man from Arkansas that Petrino might have learned from.

You think you’ve had a rough month with your relationship? How’d you like to be Josh Morgan? He’s the fiance of Jessica Dorrell – Bobby Petrino’s passenger during his ill-fated motorcycle ride that ended up costing the Arkansas coach his job. Uh, how’s that June wedding planning going?

Ozzie Guillen was suspended for five games for his comments about Fidel Castro. And somewhere Marge Schott is thinking, “In Miami, Ozzie, how could you be so stupid?”

Not defending Ozzie Guillen and certainly not defending Fidel Castro. But one of the things Cuban-Americans rail about regarding their home country now is that there is no right to free speech.

Thursday’s historic pitching matchup in Coors: Madison Bumgarner, 22, against Jamie Moyer, 49. Wonder if after each time the Rockies bat Moyer will yell to Madbum “Hey, punk, get off my mound.”

Rick Santorum is ending his Presidential campaign. “Say it ain’t so” cried America’s comedy writers.

Rick Santorum, with his campaign allegedly $1 million in debt, has suspended his run for President but has not endorsed Mitt Romney. Wonder if Santorum is waiting for Mitt to give him one million good reasons….

A Japanese company has come up with “Sushi Robot” that can crank out 3,600 pieces per hour. Yikes. Should we be staying tuned for “Sushi McNuggets?”

Speaking in support of the “Bush Tax Cuts,” George W. said in a speech he wished his name wasn’t so firmly attached to the cuts. Some in the GOP wish W’s name wasn’t so firmly attached to the Republican party.

Newt Gingrich’s $500 check to pay the filing fee to get on the Utah ballot bounced. It’s this kind of intelligent attention to detail that has the former Speaker where he is today – third or fourth in a race where no one likes the front-runner and the #2 guy has dropped out.

The Denver Post is doing a Titanic “100 Years Later” retrospective. Titled “Unsinkable, Unimaginable, Unforgettable.” Well, two out of three ain’t bad.

From Gary Bachman: “The London tabloid The Sun reported Sunday that the final autopsy report of Whitney Houston has revealed 11 missing teeth. Today Houston will be granted posthumous British citizenship.”