Posted tagged ‘Rick Santorum jokes’

Dumb and dumber, another sequel.

April 11, 2012

Arkansas has fired Bobby Petrino, saying the now-ex football coach, “knowingly misled” and “engaged in reckless behavior” with an employee less than half his age. Gosh, if there had only been another example of such a thing happening to a powerful man from Arkansas that Petrino might have learned from.

You think you’ve had a rough month with your relationship? How’d you like to be Josh Morgan? He’s the fiance of Jessica Dorrell – Bobby Petrino’s passenger during his ill-fated motorcycle ride that ended up costing the Arkansas coach his job. Uh, how’s that June wedding planning going?

Ozzie Guillen was suspended for five games for his comments about Fidel Castro. And somewhere Marge Schott is thinking, “In Miami, Ozzie, how could you be so stupid?”

Not defending Ozzie Guillen and certainly not defending Fidel Castro. But one of the things Cuban-Americans rail about regarding their home country now is that there is no right to free speech.

Thursday’s historic pitching matchup in Coors: Madison Bumgarner, 22, against Jamie Moyer, 49. Wonder if after each time the Rockies bat Moyer will yell to Madbum “Hey, punk, get off my mound.”

Rick Santorum is ending his Presidential campaign. “Say it ain’t so” cried America’s comedy writers.

Rick Santorum, with his campaign allegedly $1 million in debt, has suspended his run for President but has not endorsed Mitt Romney. Wonder if Santorum is waiting for Mitt to give him one million good reasons….

A Japanese company has come up with “Sushi Robot” that can crank out 3,600 pieces per hour. Yikes. Should we be staying tuned for “Sushi McNuggets?”

Speaking in support of the “Bush Tax Cuts,” George W. said in a speech he wished his name wasn’t so firmly attached to the cuts. Some in the GOP wish W’s name wasn’t so firmly attached to the Republican party.

Newt Gingrich’s $500 check to pay the filing fee to get on the Utah ballot bounced. It’s this kind of intelligent attention to detail that has the former Speaker where he is today – third or fourth in a race where no one likes the front-runner and the #2 guy has dropped out.

The Denver Post is doing a Titanic “100 Years Later” retrospective. Titled “Unsinkable, Unimaginable, Unforgettable.” Well, two out of three ain’t bad.

From Gary Bachman: “The London tabloid The Sun reported Sunday that the final autopsy report of Whitney Houston has revealed 11 missing teeth. Today Houston will be granted posthumous British citizenship.”

Rammed?

March 16, 2012

Open note to NCAA selection committee: Maybe you shouldn’t give VCU any more double digit seeds.

For all starting early for Saturday, here’s a suggested St. Patrick’s Day toast – May your troubles last as long as your perfect brackets!

During their NCAA game Thursday, Southern Miss. band members taunted Kansas State player Angel Rodriguez by chanting “Where’s your green card?” Racist and stupid yes. But what elevates this to a higher level of ignorance – apparently the students went after Rodriguez because they found he was from Puerto Rico.


Not sure about this anti-education attitude of Rick Santorum. Someone asked one of his supporters what he thought of Murray State today, and the guy replied “Not sure when their primary is, but I’m sure the voters of Murray will support Santorum’s true conservative message.”

The Portland Trail Blazers have waived Greg Oden — the #1 overall pick in the 2007 draft. On the bright side for Oden, he should be eligible for Medicare.

Peyton Manning and the Titans met for over eight hours last night. Eight hours!? That’s longer than at least one of Brett Favre’s retirements.

ESPN’s top 10 reason’s your team won’t land Tim Tebow: (My son Carey and I both have one), http://espn.go.com/espn/page2/story/_/id/7688839/readers-provide-top-10-reasons-their-team-land-peyton-manning


Joe Nelson, a former Goldman Sachs employee from London (not the one who wrote the NY Times op-ed), has started a company making custom-fit condoms. Insert “covering a bunch of p***ks joke” here:

In Lafayette, CO, near Boulder, police ticketed a man who is accused of tying his cat’s leash to a rock after the pet refused to go jogging. Wonder if they had to bring the ticket to the hospital while the guy was getting stitches?

Rick Santorum says on his website now that a “wealth of research” now shows that pornography causes “profound brain changes, with widespread negative consequences.” If true this also shows strong cause why men should be banned from both Congress and the military.

Santorum’s campaign is the latest to bring up the Romney vacation story. As his senior staffer John Brabender said ‘What the heck was he thinking, putting the dog on the top of the roof?’ Santorum, of course, would never make a dog ride on his car roof… a gay person or a single woman asking for birth control maybe.

Rick Santorum, who was quoted saying English as the “main language” in Puerto Rico had to be a requirement for achieving statehood, now is backtracking from that statement and saying he was misquoted”

Santorum’s not trying to catch Mitt Romney, he’s trying to BE Mitt Romney.

The Blunt-Rubio amendment says that if an employer or insurance plan has any “religious or moral objection,” then a health care service can be excluded from coverage. Okay, let’s leave sex out of this, does that mean if an employer has moral objections to drinking and/or smoking, can they can refuse to cover anyone’s resulting liver or lung cancer?

From Marc Ragovin: Despite a string of losses in the primaries and trailing badly in the delegate count, Newt Gingrich has vowed to carry on to Tampa, and guarantees that he will be the eventual GOP nominee. Ya know, I swear that every time Newt speaks Callista’s nose gets a little longer.

Is this a great country or what?

February 11, 2012

What a great country. Our president is black and the most talked about player in the NBA is Asian.

The Jeremy Lin fan club now extends to everyone outside of the greater Los Angeles area (plus a lot of Clippers fans.)


Well, Kobe Bryant knows who Jeremy Lin is now.

Tim Tebow led the Broncos to some miraculous wins. Jeremy Lin, a devout Christian, is having an incredible week for the Knicks. In MLB, teams are thinking about sending their scouts into churches.

Note to these “Onemillionmoms” folks who are upset by Ellen Degeneres being chosen as a J.C Penney’s spokeswoman. because most of the store’s customers are traditional families. Right, so they would prefer Penney’s hire some heterosexual like Charlie Sheen, Britney Spears or Kim Kardashian?

Mitt Romney said at CPAC that he was a “severely conservative governor.” And this is a man who once derided John Kerry as a “severely conflicted person.

Wonder if I will ever get used to seeing ESPN.com feed saying things like “Meta World Peace” personal foul.

At California State Democratic convention in San Diego this weekend. Knowing that all speeches should be taken with a large grain of salt. Like this one from the 2002 Massachusetts REPUBLICAN convention: “I respect and will fully protect a woman’s right to choose. That right is a deeply personal one.” The speaker? Mitt Romney.

While we’re arguing over birth control how come there is a deafening silence from conservatives on the subject of insurers providing unmarried men with Viagra?

To use free T Mobile in United Airlines Club you must check that you have “read and accepted terms and conditions.”. Just scrolled through them. Over 30 pages.Admittedly didn’t “read.” Must be some kind of full employment act for lawyers.

Jerry Sandusky complained after a pre-trial hearing that due to his house arrest restrictions he can’t see friends or his grandchildren, or play outside with his dog. “That’s really a shame” said absolutely no one.

Former USC QB Mitch Mustain, 23, was going to join the Arena Football League, and he hasn’t pitched since high school. But he tried out with the Chicago White Sox and hit 90 mph on the radar gun. Some frustrated Jets fans hope this inspires Sanchez to try out with the Mets.

Rick Santorum says women in combat would be a bad idea because of the “emotions” that men would feel seeing them in harm’s way, so they wouldn’t be concerned about accomplishing the mission.” Clearly Santorum has never seen women standing in the way of men getting something important, like the TV remote.

From my friend Bill Littlejohn: Wes Welker has been asked to throw the switch that drops the ball at Times Square next New Year’s Eve.