Posted tagged ‘Raiders jokes’

Moving on.

September 29, 2014

Monday was the first day that MLB had to survive without Derek Jeter.  Tragic, really.

 

A’s vs. Royals today in the AL Wild Card game. “I’ll take two teams where most Americans can’t name a single player for $500, Alex.”

Not to say the ‪#‎Patriots‬ are getting old but rumor has it their video spy team has been using ‪#‎VHS‬ tape.

On Monday, National Coffee Day, restaurants were giving away coffee to customers. Now at 2am EST Tuesday ‪#‎NationalCoffeeDay‬ is trending on Facebook…. Presumably because of all those wide awake people who had several cups of free coffee.

After NC State almost upset Florida State, the Wolfpack coach caused the Seminoles of faking injures. Jimbo Fisher responded “Well, I accuse him of not knowing what he’s talking about. They’re not fake injuries. No one faked injuries, and we wouldn’t do that.” He might have added, “Really, everyone knows FSU only fakes grades and arrest reports.”

Detroit Lions TE Joseph Fauria says he sprained his ankle when he fell while chasing after a puppy he was toilet training. The puppy now has more tackles than most of the Oakland Raiders defense.

The ‪#‎Raiders‬ have fired ‪#‎DennisAllen‬. Shocking. So Oakland thinks they have found someone else to take over their train wreck?

Geno Smith yelled “F— you” at a heckler after the game at MetLife Stadium. If this keeps up, even PETA members will be calling for Michael Vick. ‪#‎Jets‬

In a 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court rejected Ohio early voting starting Sept. 30 instead of Oct. 7. Rationale? Presumably because the Court couldn’t figure out a way, yet, to overturn the 15th and 19th amendments.

Joe Girardi said today he expects A-Rod to play 3rd next year, but that he doesn’t anticipate Rodriguez’s return to create a distraction. Hmm, is it time to start drug testing MLB managers?

O’Hare Airport still has thousands of cancelled flights, and the FAA says Chicago air traffic won’t be back to normal until at last mid October. Which should be right about the time they start closing the airports for snow.

A Southern California woman is suing the producers of “Glee” because she allegedly tripped over cables at Burbank Town Center while the series was filming there. Would be interesting to see security footage from the mall, over-under on the odds the woman was looking at her phone at the time

Bus to hell, NASCAR version:  Tony Stewart said Monday in a press conference that retiring “would take the life out of me.” Is that really the right phrase to use after killing someone with your car?

A picture may not be worth a thousand words

September 8, 2014

But it sure can end an NFL career.

TMZ posted a video this morning of Ray Rice knocking his fiancee out in the elevator, which has provoked new outrage over Rice’s light punishment And Roger Goodell and the NFL claim they never saw it until now. I think I like “tainted supplement” better.

So yeah, makes perfect sense. The NFL reviews video tape in enough detail to know if someone is wearing the wrong brand of socks, but they claim they didn’t look at an available video involving alleged domestic violence. #priorities

Now that the Ray Rice video is out no doubt other NFL players will think seriously about changing their lives. Starting by taking surveillance cameras out of their homes?

“Fox & Friends” host co-host Brian Kilmeade said today that the lesson to be learned from the Ray Rice video was “take the stairs.” Scary thing is that a lot of NFL players probably think he is right.

Not sure when and if Ray Rice will return to the NFL. But wonder how long it will take the now former Ravens RB to get a call from “Celebrity Boxing.”

Wonder if Ray Rice’s wife knew he’d end up cut from the Ravens and suspended from the NFL if she’d have still married him?

All aboard the bus to hell. At least NY Giants fans don’t have to worry about Eli Manning being arrested for domestic violence. 1. Archie raised him right. 2. If Eli DID throw a punch at a woman, no doubt it would be intercepted.

Olive Garden just announced they will sell a ‘never-ending pasta pass’ for $100, which will allow buyers to eat as much of any of 150 pasta dishes they want once a day, every single day, between September 22 and November 9. Along with free breadsticks, soup and salad bar. Does the pass also come with a free diabetes test at the end?

 

Mets are basically eliminated from the postseason, the Yankees are getting close, and the Giants looked awful tonight. So in New York they’re thinking TGFR – “Thank God for The Raiders.”

Raiders players said there was no need to panic after their season-opening loss to the Jets. Makes sense, many Raiders fans were panicked BEFORE the season started.

Marin Cilic beat Kei Nishikori in Monday’s men’s singles final at the U.S. Open. And no doubt U.S television ratings were as great as a PGA tournament with neither Tiger, Phil or even Rory in contention.

The wooden Colossus roller coaster at Six Flags Magic Mountain was closed for renovation a few weeks ago, today it caught fire and partially collapsed. Now that’s a potential thrill ride..

 

More why there is no satire: Hartselle, Alabama, is the largest dry city in the state. And their mayor, Don Hall, has said he opposes the sale of booze within city limits. Last Friday Hall was arrested, driving back from a neighboring town, for alleged DUI….

It’s rather silly to have a magic number for a potential one-game postseason. This having been said, the #SFGiants magic number for a playoff spot is 15.

 

 

Could she talk?

September 4, 2014

Joan Rivers has passed away. What she is no doubt most upset about is that she can’t make inappropriate jokes at her own funeral.

But if Rivers lost weight in her medically induced coma it could be her last dream come true – this after all is a woman who said of Karen Carpenter “I have no sympathy for anyone who gets thin enough to be buried in pleats.”

Best comment though comes from Alex Kaseberg:  “Big Joan Rivers fan. Why do I want to believe that her last words were; “Oh, super, I get to follow Robin Williams.”

“Dancing with the Stars” has announced their 2015 “cast”. Although truthfully the show should be known as “Dancing With a Whole Lot of People You Vaguely Remember or Have Heard Of.”

Former Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell, once considered a potential V.P candidate, was convicted along with his wife on multiple counts of conspiracy to defraud the citizens of Virginia, wire fraud, conspiracy and influence-peddling. Down in Louisiana they’re sniffing,  “Amateurs.”

Suspended Denver Broncos WR Wes Welker, still claiming innocence on how he could have been suspended for drug use, says maybe someone put something in his drink. I see a new business opportunity. Safety beverage lids for athletes? (To go along with something to test for tainted supplements.)

Josh Gordon cannot play for the NFL or CFL this year due to his marijuana suspension, but the Browns receiver is going to work for an Ohio car dealer. So will their slogan be “At least our prices aren’t high?”

Ah for the days when the only days that someone could get anything incriminating from a phone was to pick up an extension and listen in from another room…..

 

In Oregon, a veterinarian who performed emergency surgery on a Great Dane found the dog had eaten 43 1/2 socks. And clothes dryers across the country are now saying they’re the victims of profiling.

Why there is no satire. Bill O’Reilly warned his viewers “When you hear something on a partisan-driven program, do not believe it” And O’Reilly made the statement on Fox News.

More “Why there is no satire.” Little League star Mo’ne Davis has said her first love is basketball and she’d love to be a UConn Husky. And after the LLWS Geno Auriemma called Davis to congratulate her. So now apparently another school has reported the call to the NCAA as a recruiting violation, because Mo’Ne is an 8th grader and student-athletes can’t be contacted until they are in 9th grade…..

Malaysia Airlines has decided to change the name of a promotional competition they were running, called “My Ultimate Bucket List Challenge.” The real challenge is how anyone thought that was a good name in the first place.

The Chicago Cubs announced SS Starlin Castro has a high ankle sprain and will probably miss the rest of the regular season. Uh, except for the Cubs is there anything BUT the regular season?

The Oakland Raiders have settled a lawsuit with 90 cheerleaders who accused the team of not paying minimum wage. The team will pay out a total of $1.25 million. To put that in perspective, that’s about 3% of what the Raiders paid JaMarcus Russell.

Consistency …..

February 5, 2014

Consistency… is the hobgoblin of little basketball teams?  A random thought as the Lakers have lost  seven straight…..

 

A GOP Congressional candidate in Montana says he was just joking when he called Hillary Clinton the “anti-Christ” at a recent campaign event. Well of course, conservatives know the real “anti-Christ” is Obama.

The Oakland Raiders are 75-1 odds to be next year’s Super Bowl Champions. 75-1? So who knew the bookmakers in Las Vegas are optimistic Raiders fans.

Sammisano Joshua Talai Otuhiva, born in SF last August and weighing 16 lb 7 oz, has just officially been named the biggest baby ever born in California. No doubt he will soon be offered a full scholarship from Les Miles at LSU.

 

So now that we’ve survived Super Bowl 48 and all the transit issues, we can look ahead two years to Super Bowl 50. Where all the hotels are in San Francisco and the stadium is 45 miles away in Santa Clara. Nothing can possibly go wrong here.

After Joe Namath eventually got the coin flipped correctly and it landed on tails, this means heads and tails are exactly even in Super Bowl coin flips – 24 to 24. And if you already knew this you probably spend WAY too much time on prop bets.

 

Vladimir Putin posed with a leopard cub at a preserve near Sochi, saying Russia “decided to restore the population of the Persian leopard because of the Olympic Games, “Let’s say that because of the Olympic Games, we have restored parts of the destroyed nature.” Right, at the same time Putin ordered thousands of Sochi stray dogs to be killed before the Games start.

But you have to give it to Putin. Who else could come up with a city in Russia that needs to have man-made snow in winter?:

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Proponents of medical marijuana planned to put billboards near the Super Bowl. Presumably the boards will be up tomorrow.

 

NY police apparently have arrested 4 people allegedly connected to the drugs found in Philip Seymour Hoffman’s apartment. Which is good I guess. But have to wonder, how many more dead addicts have these people been “connected to” who weren’t famous?

And on a lighter note, forwarded by my friend Scot H.

Image

Lesus Saves?

October 11, 2013

Oops: The Vatican just withdrew thousands of official papal medals from sale when they discovered they had misspelled Jesus’ name as “”Lesus”. Guess this doesn’t do much for the doctrine of papal infallibility.

The Oakland Raiders will play a 2014 NFL home game in London at Wembley. “Black Hole” meets soccer hooligans, wonder if the NFL is chipping in for police overtime….

The Duggars say they are “actively trying” for their 20th child. And somewhere God is thinking “When I said go forth and multiply, I wasn’t thinking numbers that required a calculator.

NY Jets TE Kellen Winslow is the latest player to receive a 4 game suspension for violating the NFL’s PED policy. He issued the standard “I apologize but I have no idea what happened because I would never knowingly take banned substances” statement….

Mark Zuckerberg has spent $30 million on four houses that border his home in Palo Alto. And for the Facebook founder to have that kind of privacy, guess the site will only need to add a few more ad generators invading ours….

The MAC has announced a new bowl game known as the Boca Raton Bowl beginning in 2014. This is great news for all these teams who thought they might finish 6-6 and tragically miss the postseason.

Stay classy Ted Cruz. When the Texas Senator spoke yesterday at a Tea Party event, he said he was going to meetings with the President, and “if I’m never seen again, please send a search and rescue team.”

At Texas A&M, they are getting rid of the natural grass surface at Kyle Field after the season, and will sell it for $400 for a 460 sq ft pallet. Alas, the NY Giants share a stadium with the Jets. Otherwise Giants fans might be interested in a similar deal – if they can sell the Met Life field in chunks NOW, so the team could stop trying to play on it.

Nazi war criminal Erich Priebke, 100, has died. He was under house arrest serving a life term for his part in a massacre of 335 civilians near Rome in 1944. Priebke’s lawyer announced his death saying “”The dignity with which he withstood his persecution made him an example of courage, coherence and loyalty.” Even Jerry Sandusky’s legal team is thinking “I want to throw up.”

Well, it may hurt a bit if Zach Wheeler turns into an All-Star.  But at least the SF Giants’ idea to trade for Carlos Beltran in 2011 has been validated.  #BeatLA

A federal judge ruled today that MLB can legally prohibit the Oakland A’s from moving to San Jose. Well, that ought to give Bud Selig’s “Blue Ribbon” committee enough to keep them deliberating another 5-10 years..

Good week for Mitt Romney. The California Coastal Commission approved his plans to tear down his 3,000 sq-ft home in La Jolla, and build a 11,000 sq ft replacement. And he and Ann just bought an $8 million home in Park City to replace the one they sold before he ran for President. And these days Mitt doesn’t have to deal with any silly reporters asking him how many homes he has.

At bedtime Tuesday night, Matt Schaub threw out the cat–it was intercepted and run back for a TD. – See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/home/hart_attack/news/v/Local/276663/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-October-11-2013-Edition-440#sthash.IlUkYfDh.dpuf
At bedtime Tuesday night, Matt Schaub threw out the cat–it was intercepted and run back for a TD. – See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/home/hart_attack/news/v/Local/276663/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-October-11-2013-Edition-440#sthash.IlUkYfDh.dpuf

In the swim

September 2, 2013

Diana Nyad completed her swim today from Cuba to Florida. Upon her landing, out of habit five MLB teams offered her a contract.

(my friend Jeff Klein responded, and out of habit, most baseball fans figured she should be tested for PED’s)

Apparently some Christians are claiming that Tim Tebow was cut from the Patriots for reasons of religious persecution. Really? If someone could have a QB rating near 100, he could sacrifice goats at midfield and he’d have multiple free agent offers.

The BBC just revealed that a Polish captain ran his cargo ship aground onto islands off the Northumberland coast this March when he planned a course from Scotland to Belgium and forgot about England. (Really). Good thing we are all too PC now for Polish jokes.

A new study says the average man has grown 4 inches in the last century. Sorry, gentlemen, we’re talking height.

A Georgia WR is out for the season after injuring himself celebrating a touchdown. Well, this injury at least is not likely to befall the Oakland Raiders.

A new proposal in Europe is for Intelligent Speed Authority devices that would apply the brakes to any vehicle going above the speed limit. Let’s hope no one tells NY mayor Bloomberg.

Ray Lewis is now saying that he thinks the blackout during last year’s Super Bowl was a ploy to help the SF 49srs. “not gonna accuse nobody of nothing — because I don’t know facts, But you’re a zillion-dollar company, and your lights go out? No. No way. You cannot tell me somebody wasn’t sitting there and when they say, ‘The Ravens [are] about to blow them out. Man, we better do something.” Hmm, does Ray want people to start excusing his part in that murder due to a head injury.

A former colleague of David Frost, quoted in the U.K. Telegraph. “He never saw age like the rest of us.” And he told of one late Thatcher interview they prefaced with clips from previous encounters between the two of them over a decade ago.  Where the staff was worried that he would feel badly seeing his younger self.   And Frost’s only response upon seeing them “Hasn’t she aged?”

From Bill Littlejohn”  Michael Malone, the new coach for the NBA Sacramento Kings, says he once wanted to work for the government as a secret agent.  As Kings coach, however, Malone he has a chance to start the season at 00-7.

Lebron would feel right at home.

October 24, 2011

The Dolphins led 15 to 0 with less than three minutes to play, when Tim Tebow led an improbable comeback and the Broncos won 18-15 in overtime. What is it with Miami teams and fourth quarters?

Although actually Tebow’s rally did give the Broncos their SECOND win of the year. And kept the Dolphins winless. Wonder if Denver GM John Elway will now bench Tebow for hurting the team’s chances in the race to “Suck for Luck.”

Three interceptions from Kyle Boller, three interceptions from Carlson Palmer, and the lowly Kansas City Chiefs destroy the Oakland Raiders 28-0. If Al Davis wasn’t dead this game might have killed him.

Miami collapsed, St. Louis actually made Dallas look good, and Indy, well, they just s*cked. Wonder if Andrew Luck called John Elway for advice on a good hitting or pitching coach?

How do you beat a #25 team by 44 points and drop in the polls? Ask Jeff Sagarin. After Stanford’s 65-21 win over Washington, Sagarin’s computer ranking DROPPED the Cardinal from #15 to #21. (Behind two-loss Arizona State.) No, I’m not making this up.

Theo Epstein took out a full page ad in the Boston Globe, allegedly to thank the Red Sox for “10 Years, Two Championships, Countless Memories, Infinite Thanks.” Presumably he resisted the urge to add “Prior to me, 84 years, Zero Championships, Countless Miseries, Nyah, nyah, nee, nee, nah, hah.”

Meanwhile in Texas, the Rangers won 4-0, a day after getting destroyed 16-7 by the St. Louis Cardinals. Wonder if Nolan Ryan sent a private jet to Colorado to borrow the Rockies’ humidor?

Michele Bachmann is slamming Herman Cain and other GOP candidates for their “flip-flops” on things like abortion and gay marriage. Hmm, does this mean her new campaign slogan is “Consistently Crazy?”

Got to love banks. My husband is travelling for business in Eastern Europe (9 hour time difference), and Wells Fargo’s fraud system went into overdrive when he took out less than $100 cash from an ATM over there. Three “urgent” phone messages this afternoon and evening. Of course, when he tried to call them back during European business hours, they are closed.


Watched Pan Am, sort of, tonight. So wanted to like this show, but the scripts seem to be written as intelligently as most current airlines’ business models.


And don’t we all feel so safe with all the hassles of flying these days…. Alaska Air luggage workers at LAX found a handgun when it fell out of a bag they were loading onto a flight to Portland. The gun at least was unloaded. But a TSA spokesperson said they check carry-ons but firearms in checked bags are “not the agency’s responsibility.” And Alaska said passengers should “self-disclose dangerous goods.”

But they are so good on those water bottles..

Raiders of the Just Plain Lost.

January 20, 2011

LeBron James has announced his new cartoon series “The LeBrons,” that will “teach our nation’s online youth about the importance of morality and honor in a young person’s life.” (No, I am not making this up.) Will lesson one be “Don’t let your ego lead you into bad Decisions?” 

Rush Limbaugh  mocked China’s president Hu Jintao by speaking in nonsensical, ersatz Chinese.

Okay, fine, a comedian may claim not to be racist and still mock a politician’s unintelligible speech, but if so, why didn’t Rush mock George W Bush by speaking in nonsensical ersatz English?

The GOP-led house today voted to repeal “Obamacare,” in a largely symbolic vote intended to express their distaste for a government role in healthcare. Well, if they feel that strongly about it, why don’t they all take the larger symbolic step of giving up their OWN government-paid healthcare.

At this year’s Super Bowl fans will have the opportunity to spend $200 to sit outside Cowboys Stadium on the lawn and watch the game on a big screen.   Inspired by the idea, for the 2011 season, the New York Yankees are already negotiating with Bronx officials about leasing any available park  or lawn space near their stadium.

And President Obama said he will go to the Super Bowl if his beloved Bears win on Sunday.  No word on how much Cowboys owner Jerry Jones will charge him for tickets.

New Raiders coach Hue Jackson said the team is “chasing greatness.” Yes, like dogs chase cars.

(And with about the same chance of actually catching their target.)

Al Davis now seems to think Hue Jackson is the answer for the Oakland Raiders. Of course, each time Larry King probably always believes that “death do us part” stuff too

A recent survey, complete with breath tests, outside of MLB and NFL stadiums showed that eight percent of fans left the games legally drunk. Shocking. If true this means 92 percent of fans were theoretically sober?

Congresswoman Giffords is making great progress in her recovery and will soon be moved to a  rehabilitation facility, where according to her doctors “she will have to relearn how to think and plan.”  When she does that, maybe she can also teach some of her fellow members in Congress?

There were apparently short toasts at the White House Wednesday night before the state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao. And Jintao’s toast of course preceded that of President Obama. Because we all know the protocol – Hu’s on first

Almost bowled over….

January 5, 2011

With apologies to Chicago – Does anybody really know what bowl this is…. does anybody really care?

And there have been some good games. But for fans without a connection to the schools involved, many of these bowls have all the drama and interest of division rivalries between the NFC West.

Terrelle Pryor was named the MVP of the 2011 Sugar Bowl. Think officials figured out how to put a tracking device on that trophy?

Actually, there are rumors that Pryor and his to-be-suspended OSU teammates may star in an off-season reality show  – Bowling for Dollars.

The story switches hourly but now it seems like Jim Harbaugh is heading to the 49ers. Which means he might be the first college coach to switch to the pros and take a step down with his quarterback.

On the other hand Harbaugh isn’t that much older than Brett Favre?  Maybe the 49ers want him to be a player coach.

Earlier today there was the rumor of Harbaugh to the Raiders? With all due respect, entering into a business relationship with the 81 year old Al Davis at this point seems about as likely for long-time success as marrying Hugh Hefner.

Tough luck for Tom Cable. His greatest problem as a coach this year? Not being in the NFC West.

Meanwhile, back in Ann Arbor, the word out of Michigan is that Rich Rodriguez is fired, no he’s not fired, maybe he is fired, maybe he’s not. Not sure who’ll be coaching the team next year but wonder how long it will take for them to offer a job to new quarterbacks coach Brett Favre.

And okay, I admit, I hate Notre Dame. But listening to all these puns and headlines with Stanford’s quarterback we should all be glad he didn’t go to South Bend. How many times could we have stood the phrase “Luck of the Irish?”

Panthers owner Jerry Richardson says negotiations between the NFL and the unions are not going well. But they could still settle in time to play the 2011 season, so Carolina fans shouldn’t get too optimistic.

Snooki has written a book.  Putting her in that exclusive fraternity with folks like George W. Bush and Sarah Palin, who wrote a book before they read one.. 

From Bill Littlejohn:  There is now a video game in which you can play a round of golf at Augusta National Golf Club.If you log in that you’re a woman, the game includes angry stares and catcalls from club members”

Cyber monday…

November 29, 2010

Which means, if you’re reading this instead of shopping you’ve either got all your shopping done or you’re waiting until Christmas Eve?

Cyber Monday – it’s one day of the year when bosses may not cyber-snoop on employees, because they’re too busy shopping themselves. what

And if they do catch their employees hiding something, at least it’s not likely to be porn or solitaire.

Actually, it’s a really good thing Cyber Monday isn’t in March.   Considering that most people fill out their NCAA brackets the day after “Selection Sunday,” both sexes could combine to bring American worker productivity to a complete halt.

Some Northern California media types expected the Oakland Raiders to “make a statement” against the Miami Dolphins Sunday.

Actually, the Raiders did make a statement – Unfortunately it was – “We still basically suck.”

Hard to believe but with two pro teams (okay at least semi-pro) teams in the San Francisco Bay area, the top NFL quarterback currently in Northern California is probably already Andrew Luck.

And with #4 Stanford now projected to go to the Fiesta Bowl, the University of Phoenix stadium, which also will host the BCS Championship game,  can claim to be hosting three of the top matchups of amateur teams in the nation.

Five if you count the 49ers – Cardinals game Monday night.

Many in the media are taking Derek Jeter’s side in his contentious contract negotiations, with a USA Today article talking about how the Yankees are “jilting” Jeter.

“Jilting?”  Really?  To the tune of a $45 million contract?  As far as being jilted in New York the only people who have come close to that kind of payout have married Donald Trump..

Leslie Nielsen died tonight at a Fort Lauderdale hospital.  Which is a “big building with patients, but that’s not important right now.” R.I.P. to one of the funniest men of our generation.

Sarah Palin is complaining about “bluebloods and intellectuals.” Well, fine, except that pretty much describes our founding fathers.

Batmen? In San Francisco?

September 17, 2010

Do not adjust your sets. Yes, that Giants 10 – Dodgers 2 score tonight didn’t mean the broadcasters accidentally put a “0” after SF’s “1” in the line score.


The Giants actually scored more runs tonight that they scored in the last five games. And yes, earlier Thursday before the game, I wrote this and posted it on Facebook.

“Former SF Giant Kevin Mitchell has been charged with assault for punching a man during an argument at a Southern California golf course. Shame it wasn’t one of the 2010 Giants who got into that altercation, most of them would have just swung and missed”

Maybe I should insult the Giants hitting more often.


For anyone who wonders how to pronounce my name, it’s the same as Aubrey Huff. (Wonder if I can claim him as a distant relative?) Go Giants!

Meanwhile, across the Bay, Oakland didn’t sell out their Sunday home opener against the St. Louis Rams so it will be blacked out in the Bay Area. Which means we will find out the answer to a variation on an old question. “If the Raiders fall in a stadium and nobody sees them, do they still suck?”

A joint joke with Marc Ragovin – Regarding all those crimes in New York committed by people wearing Yankees caps: Of course this doesn’t count the crooks guilty of serious grand larceny, who work in the Yankees ticket department.


Meg Whitman announced today that she has now given a total of $119 million to her election campaign. Whitman also said she would announce her position on Prop 23 (which would repeal climate change legislation) “in the next 10 days.”

Since Meg’s been running for over a year, you’d think by now she might have used some of that money to figure out which side she was on?


And Carly Fiorina said in response to allegations that HP used bribes in Russia to increase market share when she was CEO, that “HP was a company with 156,000 people,” she said. ‘”No single person can know everything that goes on.”

Uh, anyone want to tell Carly that she is running for a position where she will represent over 36 million people?


According to Meg Whitman and Carly Fiorina’s campaigns, Nancy Reagan, 89, has endorsed both of them. Guess the former first lady has decided she really wants to support young women getting into politics.


From Jim Barach, maybe more true than funny: The new “Sky Rider” seat will be unveiled soon which will allow airlines to put even more passengers on each plane. The seats will have only 23 inches of legroom.

The seats are designed in line with the needs of anorexic dwarfs who love to travel.

(Stay tuned, how long until a “premium” seat fee becomes a “actual seat” fee.

Lost?

April 25, 2010

In a good news story, two lost women hikers were rescued from a northern California park when rescuers were able to track a signal from one of their cellphones.

Of course, no word on how many hikers get lost in the first place because they are paying more attention to their cellphones than the trail.


Speaking of lost, Barry Zito has long been given up for dead by San Francisco sports fans after he signed that huge 7 year $126 million contract. But Barry pitched another gem tonight, outdueling St. Louis star Adam Wainwright 2-0 for his third win of the season.

Hmm, maybe that means there’s hope for JaMarcus Russell? No, never mind…

The Oakland Raiders surprised the sporting world with competent and safe draft picks. Not sure who was making the final decisions, but wonder if some member of the organization told Al Davis the draft was next week?


A 24 year old New York man was arrested for trying to sell his children on Craigslist. Which is appalling, what kind of terrible parent would try to sell their young children? Their teenagers, maybe.


Okay, a show of hands from sports fans who expected the headlines after tonight’s Los Angeles-Oklahoma City game four would be something along the lines of “the Thunder Rolls…”


Sarah Palin told a crowd at a fundraiser in Eugene that she is more like them than they think. Because, as an example, she says she eats granola. In fact, she can even see the granola trees from her house.


New homage to Carnac: Answer: Joe vs. the Volcano. Question: Who does President Obama think would be the two finalists in a contest to see who can spew hot air the longest?

commie pinko finale-

The tornado in Mississippi was awful. But so many right-wing preachers have been quick to claim natural disasters are God’s punishment for sinning. Wonder why not even one has suggested God might not be happy with Mississippi’s governor saying that omitting slavery in a proclamation about the Confederacy “doesn’t matter for diddly.”

The conclusion of Holy Week?

April 6, 2010

It’s been quite a Holy Week for a broad spectrum of Americans – what with Passover, Easter, Opening Day…


With the NCAA men’s final in Indianapolis, Duke was, to put it mildly, not popular. I think there were more fans in your average Star Wars movie audience rooting for Darth Vader.


Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski told ESPN.com that he “I wouldn’t have any interest” in the job of coaching the New Jersey Nets, no matter what salary he was offered. And Coach K has a point, in next year’s NCAA tournamnent, the Nets probably would be no more than a six seed.


Donovan McNabb denies that he said if traded to the Raiders he would retire. He simply said if he was sent to Oakland it would mean he would be done with professional football


Barack Obama heard some boos amongst the cheers when he threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals’ home opener today. On the brighter side, he heard less boos than the Nationals pitching staff.


Senator John McCain said today “I never considered myself a maverick.” For a man who wanted to be in President Obama’s shoes, these days McCain seems better suited to John Kerry’s flip-flops.

Just when you thought….

January 24, 2010

That it might be a slow week for comedy now that the on-air Jay Leno-Conan O’Brien feud is at least temporarily over… Here comes the news that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have broken up.

Another Wikpedia mistake discovered. The current entry for the Nets starts out:

“The New Jersey Nets are a professional basketball team.”

Sources say the Raiders will retain coach Tom Cable. Translation – they couldn’t find anyone else crazy enough to take the job.


Meg Whitman is spending at least $39 million of her own money to run for Governor of California, NBC is spending about $45 million to get rid of Conan. ALMOST makes the San Francisco Giants’ paying Barry Zito $126 million for 7 years look reasonable.


For Conan O’Brien’s last Tonight show, he took the high road. The result was a program that was relatively subdued, but often both gracious and touching. Many viewers, however, were disappointed. Well, duh, do we watch the Indianapolis 500 to see the most skillful, controlled drivers, or do we guiltily look forward to the spectacular wrecks?


Parents in a Southern California school district wants to ban the Marriam Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary because a child noticed the word(s) “oral sex.”

So much for social studies students in that district ever doing projects on the impeachment of Bill Clinton and the Starr report.


And this one will be out of date one way or another in about 12 hours, but what the heck….

In tragedy, the heroes must fail in the end, and they must fail for a reason at least partly of their own doing – the fatal flaw – which usually involves hubris. Like deciding you can let a vanquished victim live to fight another day because you don’t care enough to finish him off. Translation, Shakespeare would be rooting for the Jets.

If the Raiders win in a forest…

November 23, 2009

And almost no fans are at the stadium, and no one sees it on TV, does it still count?

Congrats to the Raiders on a rare win today. For the first time in recent memory, Oakland receivers used their hands more than the French soccer team.


Brett Favre continues to amaze with his performance as a member of the Minnesota Vikings. If this keeps up wonder if Dan Snyder will find a way to track down Doug Williams.


Once again, the Washington Redskins came close but lost the game, this time to the Dallas Cowboys. Maybe it was a bit of hubris to name their stadium FedEx Field. At least FedEx actually delivers.

New New Yorks Knicks slogan – We suck less than the Nets.


President Obama is getting ready for his first Thanksgiving in the White House, and of course, he plans to pardon a turkey. But most Democrats are telling him, Lieberman just doesn’t deserve it.


Apparently the President donned a Chicago Bears jacket as part of a NFL promotional spot he has taped for Thanksgiving Day. Not a bad idea, despite all the criticism he has faced, Obama does have higher approval ratings than Jay Cutler.


“New Moon”, the latest Twilight movie, grossed over $140 million. With an audience that was 80 percent women. Wow. That means some of those women actually got men to show up?


The number two movie this weekend was “The Blind Side,” basically a football-themed chick-flick, which had an audience of 59 percent women. It’s a shame for the U.S. retail industry that the movies didn’t open Thanksgiving weekend, because given a choice between “New Moon” and “Blind Side,” I imagine a lot of men would say, “Honey, why don’t we go shopping?”

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Stanford lost the “Big Game” in football to Cal, which means that the Bears get to keep the symbol of their rivalry – “the Axe – for another year. But the Cardinal next week has a chance to help ax Charlie Weis.


Apparently fewer Americans will be travelling home for Thanksgiving by air this year. Of course, on Northwest some of them will waive to their homes as they fly by.

No word also on how many Americans will spend the holidays waiting on the tarmac with JetBlue.

Bye weeks.. ….

November 4, 2009

Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder was actually cheered Monday. It was at an event for the Redskins’ charitable foundation that helps renovate high school fields, which was attended by students and parents. Finally, a group that appreciates the Redskins’ level of football.


The Oakland Raiders have a bye week. Finally some good news for their fans.


It’s the first week of the season where JaMarcus Russell can safely predict he won’t throw a single interception.


The Oakland Raiders fired Lane Kiffin last year during their bye week. Now during their 2009 bye, coach Tom Cable is on the hot seat following more assault allegations. If Oakland fires him in the next few days we may have to start referring to it as a “Bye Bye Week.”


Jon Gosselin says now of his bad recent public behavior that he “lost his moral compass.” Surprising many Americans who didn’t realize he had one.


Not to say that the Phillies bullpen has been shaky in the last three games of the World Series. But they’ve collectively been named honorary Mets.


David Beckham will now still play part-time for the L.A Galaxy, and but be “loaned” part-time to AC Milan. All so he can win a World Cup Championship with England. Interesting concept, if it works, whatever happens in the Series, the Yankees may be interested in a 2010 part-time loan for Chase Utley.


Kobe Bryant played tonight for the Lakers against the Thunder despite flu like symptoms. Apparently neither team was worried about H1N1 – figuring, it’s Kobe, he never passes on anything.


All the talk about “referendums” with these elections this week in Virginia, New Jersey and New York. Yes, I suppose they could be taken as referendums on President Obama or Sarah Palin. They also could be considered voters making a simple choice as to which candidate they disliked the least.

Erratic behavior..

October 16, 2009

TLC is suing Jon Gosselin for breach of contract based on his erratic behavior. But seriously, if you were looking for reasonable behavior would you really choose someone who thought it was a good idea to have eight children?

Well, unfortunately for Yankees haters, tonight we discovered that you really can’t spell Los Angeles Angels without at least three “Es”.

Recently released NCAA transcripts from 2006-7 show that some Florida State football players were reading at a second-grade level. Over at USC they were shocked – there are college football players who actually read?

Michael Vick had better not participate in any taunting when the Eagles play the Raiders Sunday. I think it violates the terms of his parole to be cruel to dogs.


The Eagles-Raiders game didn’t sell out and will be blacked out this Sunday. Is the NFL really using the right incentives? Maybe they should have threatened that without a sell out, it would be the only game broadcast in Oakland?

According to SI.com, Stephen Strasburg, the Washington Nationals’ most highly-hyped prospect ever, had a strong first start in the Arizona Fall League. Well, he’s already accomplished one thing – this might be the first time the words “Washington Nationals” have been used in a baseball game story in October.


From T.O to T.J. Now Seahawks receiver T.J. Houshmandzadeh is is complaing that he’s not getting the ball enough. Maybe because none of the coaching staff can fit his name in the playbook?

Another comment on Garth Brooks coming out of retirement, from Bill Littlejohn: “Relax, Padres fans; it’s to sing.’’

But actually, could Garth hit that much worse than the regular Padres lineup?

Conspiracy is no match for stupidity.

September 12, 2009

Yet another example why I am not generally a conspiracy theorist. Could many conspirators have come up with a better way to nearly cause hysteria in Washington DC, than whoever in the Coast Guard approved a training exercise where their boats supposedly fired on a suspicious craft in the Potomac on September 11?

Michael Jordan was inducted into the Basketball Hall of Fame, in his first year of eligibility – five years after his final retirement. Which means that Pete Rose is likely to be a Hall of Famer before Brett Favre.


In a recent survey, one in ten British drivers admit to using Twitter while driving. The other 90 percent say it would be way too dangerous a distraction, especially while they are updating their Facebook profiles.


It’s looking increasingly likely that the SF Giants will have something in comment with the Oakland Raiders. Neither seem destined for meaningful games in October.

A 40 year old Ohio man has just achieved the first perfect score in the nearly thirty year history of the video game Pac-Man. His next challenge – going out on his first date.

The NFL has decided on a compromise blackout decision for teams who cannot sell out their home games. The affected games will not be shown live, but will be shown for free after midnight. Which is not a bad idea….given past history, Raiders and Bengals games, for example, might be deemed inappropriately scary for children.

69 year old football coach Bill Snyder of Kansas State agreed to a new five-year contract worth over $9 million. Joe Paterno called the deal “just another example of paying for youth over experience.”.

Commie pinko time again.

Three questions for the “Tea Baggers” and others against health care reform.

1. So given the probable H1N1 epidemic this fall, what would you prefer? A world in which poor and uninsured people who think they have the flu get tested and treated, even if it’s aided by taxpayer dollars? Or a world in which those same people stay away from doctors, hope for the best, and go to work or school anyway?

2. Considering the incredible public relations potential, I wonder why those who are anti-health care reform don’t trot out all the uninsured, especially those who are unemployed, who want the government to get out of the way so they can get good health insurance again in the free market.

3. For all the Republicans who say they want to reform the system, just not in the way Barack Obama has proposed, why the heck didn’t they do it when they controlled the Presidency and both Houses of Congress.