Posted tagged ‘Academy Award jokes’

Gentlemen, start your speeches.

February 27, 2012

Nothing like watching the Oscar Red Carpet to remind us that money absolutely cannot buy taste.

Jean Dujardin won the Oscar Sunday night for Best Actor. He’s the first French-born actor to win an Academy Award. Wonder who will be the first GOP candidate to blame it on President Obama.

And men wonder why women drool over George Clooney, reason #2456. He just told a reporter he was up at 2am trying to decide what tux to wear.

Okay, now that Christopher Plummer has won for best supporting actor, how many producers are lining up to get Julie Andrews as a character actress in their films? Could be “Something good.”

Did Meryl Streep tonight pay homage to Christopher Plummer’s former co-star Julie Andrews? Looks like she too fashioned a dress out of curtains.

Jennifer Lopez tried to win the award for the best two presenters of the night.

The Daytona 500 was originally delayed until Sunday night, but was postponed until Monday at 12n. Thereby saving at least a few marriages from remote control wars between the race and the Oscars.. (And yes, both Daytona and the Academy Awards do prompt the response at times “Aren’t they close to done yet?”)

At Daytona, officials originally frantically tried to dry the track in time to run the 500 today. Shame the Florida primary is over. They could have done the job twice as fast with all that hot air going around.

So many disappointments in tonight’s Oscars. Poor Mitt Romney, snubbed both for his roles as potential best performance as an actor as a moderate, and best performance as an actor as a conservative.

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer announced she will not attend the President’s dinner Sunday night for all the U.S. governors. Barack Obama hasn’t been this “disappointed” since Joe Biden last got pre-speech laryngitis.

Oh yeah, and there was an NBA All-Star game Sunday night .Almost as meaningful as the rest of the NBA season.

So many casual movie fans tonight had to wonder – was Martin Scorsese with his girlfriend tonight or his granddaughter? (Neither, turns out to be his daughter.)

The scandal involving Bill Lockyer’s wife Nadia is too complicated to explain in a single post (extra-marital affair, alleged assault drugs, sex tape… google it if you are prepared to shower afterwards) The only good thing – at least Californians didn’t elect him Governor.

(okay, two good things, as my friend Michael Santos said, “at least the tape didn’t feature Bill.)

Rick Santorum said today that the separation of church and state “makes me want to throw up.” And if they’re watching in Heaven, Thomas Jefferson is thinking “Rick Santorum makes me want to throw up.”

Mitt Romney defends his statement about his wife’s two Cadillacs by saying that “If people think that there is something wrong for being successful, they should vote for the other guy.” I don’t think anyone thinks there’s something wrong with it, but some of us think if you’re that successful you don’t need another tax cut.

Star power.

February 26, 2012

Orlando police are apparently on the lookout to stop prostitutes trying to sell their services during NBA All-Star weekend. But some fans are crying foul. Unlike the Bobcats, Hornets and Wizards this year, the prostitutes are providing consistent value per entertainment dollar.

Academy Awards are right after the NBA All-Star game. And for fans of acting in the meantime, there’s Dwight Howard talking about how much Orlando means to him.

Mitt Romney is being lampooned for having less than 1000 people attend an event at Ford Field, which seats 65,000. Good thing I suppose that he didn’t schedule his speech at Michigan’s “Big House” in Ann Arbor. (Seating capacity 111,000.)

A security checkpoint and concourse at Sacramento Airport were shut down today after a metal detector was briefly left unattended, The airport did find and rescreen five people who had gone through during that time. And I trust TSA still made their quota on confiscating water, shampoo, cupcakes and snow globes., a dating site for cheaters, says the city with their most members per capita (38,000) is Washington, D.C. “I’m shocked”, said absolutely no one. (And members of Congress don’t even claim the nation’s capital as their residence.) headline from Daytona: “Danica Patrick is back in the race after hitting the wall” Sounds like Mitt Romney’s campaign. Repeatedly.

Amazing stuff in Arizona. Paul Babeu, the anti-immigration Republican sheriff, is finding many of his conservative constituents are accepting his being gay. Even though they strongly disapprove of his “lifestyle” in one man’s words. Guess it’s just a matter of which prejudice is stronger.

New manager Bobby Valentine said the Boston Red Sox have banned beer in the clubhouse. Wonder if any pitchers are thinking “Hmm, how does fried chicken go with whiskey?”

The P.C. police are taking over. Ben and Jerry’s is taking fortune cookies out of their “Lin-Sanity” ice cream because some people thought it was offensive.. Really? Where were all these folks with say, “Godfather’s Pizza?

Rick Santorum is going after Romney these days by saying “Folks, this is an issue of trust.” And yeah, for Santorum it’s all about trust. Unless that trust involves women making decisions.

Newt Gingrich promised at today’s California GOP convention that he would lower U.S. gas prices to $2.50 a gallon. And why should anyone doubt the promise of a man who has said “until death do us part” three times?

John Hinckley, who tried to kill President Ronald Reagan in 1981, said he would like to be known as “something other than a would-be assassin.” In related news the Kardashian sisters said they would like to be known for their intellectual sides.

From my funny friend Bill Littlejohn: After Raiders QB Jason Campbell called off his wedding at the last minute: “Jenny is reportedly trying to work out a trade for Carson Palmer.”

Red Sox owner John Henry talking about Boston being more careful about spending money. “It’s an advantage to have a big payroll with a small-market mentality.” Small market compared to who? Besides the Yankees?

Mitt Romney likes to talk about principles. But Mitt has the same relationship to his own principles as Newt Gingrich does to his marriages. (Maybe only one at a time but they don’t last.)

Oscar Eve?

February 27, 2011

It’s the night before the Oscars –  which means that in Hollywood, all the nominated women who can still move their foreheads are practicing looking surprised.

The King’s Speech” will apparently be re-released by the Weinstein Company with a PG-13 rating instead of the original R. Presumably this new version will leave out or adjust one scene in which the future King strings together a series of f-bombs. WTF?!

But really, any kid old enough to be intrigued and/or interested by “the King’s Speech” is probably old enough to have heard more swearing on the school playground at recess.

Theme song of this year’s NCAA basketball season? “Another #1 bites the dust.” (Tonight, Duke, 60-64 to Virginia.)

President Obama has appointed Jeremy Barnard as the first male (and openly gay) White House Social Secretary. It’s about time – State dinners in the past have sometimes been successful, but they are about to become Fabulous!

Cam Newton refused to discuss any of his college problems in a recent interview, saying “”What I did in the past is in the past.” Who knew, whatever disease Mark McGwire has, it’s clearly contagious..

Prices at the pump jumped 17 cents a gallon on average this week in the U.S. This is the biggest increase in the cost of gas since Taco Bell ended their 39 cent taco promotion.

Considering how well Jed Bartlet and George H.W.Bush’s sons turned out, I think both Bill Clinton and Barack Obama are thanking their lucky stars they had daughters.

In Tim Lincecum’s spring training debut, he allowed three runs in the first inning with four straight singles. And Lincecum later confessed to being “nervous.” Hmm, wonder what options a young man in California has for calming his nerves these days?

Kelsey Grammer, 55, married his girlfriend Katye Walsh, 29, this weekend. It’s Grammer’s fourth marriage. At one point it seemed like Kelsey aspired to be one of the greatest comic actors of our era, now it just seems he aspires to be Larry King.

British chef Jamie Oliver, who has been promoting a healthy eating/anti-obesity campaign of his own, heard about Sarah Palin’s criticism of Michelle Obama, and referred to the former Alaska Governor as a “Fruit Loop.”

This prompted an immediate demand for an apology.  From Kellogg’s.