Posted tagged ‘Hillary Clinton jokes’

Even money?

September 12, 2017

So what’s going to happen first, Indians lose a game, or Browns win one?

Not #Chargers fan but MLB or NBA teams can’t call time-outs mid-pitch, or mid-free throw shot, why should NFL be able to do mid-kick?

Warriors signed NBA ad patch deal – $20 mill year w/ Rakuten?! Because Golden State has so much in common w/ Japanese tech company?

Over-under on the first year NBA uniforms will look like NASCAR?

Last night’s Giants Dodgers game ended at 211a, after starting at 1050p.  Now those of us on the West Coast know how watching NL and AL West teams feels to those back East.

 

Lakers will retire not one, but two numbers, 8 & 24, for Kobe Bryant. Well that ought to debunk notion Kobe had biggest ego in NBA.

Especially for my British friends: We always knew Ted Cruz was a wanker. We didn’t know he was REALLY a wanker.

Cruz now says it was a “staffing issue” that led to liking that porn tweet. Does Ted mean he was fantasizing about a staffer?

Accidentally “liking” porn on Twitter doesn’t seem like mistake a young tech-savvy staffer makes. A busy 46 yr-old man on the other hand…

At least Jimmy Carter admitted to “lusting in his heart.”

That moment when you are reading a menu online at a restaurant you are interested in and see that “Cashew Nut Rice” has a star by it. Turns out the star means, not “house speciality” but “contains nuts.” Ya think? #WTF?

If Hillary Clinton’s book #WhatHappened keeps selling so well, Donald  Trump may have to have someone write  another one for him.

Huckabee Sanders- prosecuting ex-FBI director Comey is “something that should be looked at.” That should improve FBI-WH relations #Lordy

Sarah Huckabee Sanders complains #WhatHappened is full of “false & reckless actions. Who does Hillary  Clinton think she is, the President?

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9 people now have died after biggest US 2017 mass shooting in #Plano.  Somehow I missed Donald  Trump tweet of sympathy.

The motive for the Plano shooting apparently was similar to the previous worst US mass shooting of 2017 – an ex-husband angry that his wife had moved on.  So if we really want to keep America safe, where’s the call to deport divorced men?

The pain, the pain.

June 15, 2015

Chris Christie called Hillary Clinton out of touch , asking “How would she know what real Americans are really concerned about? I don’t know. Is it … when she’s out giving paid speeches?” Exactly. Real Americans like Christie know what it is to struggle to stay within a $95,000 a year allowance for food and drink on top of their salaries.

 

Okay, without any spoilers in this post, isn’t “Shocking ‪#‎GameofThronesFinale‬” redundant?

 

 

Yesterday was the 12th annual “World Naked Bike Ride” in San Francisco. No doubt followed today by the 12th annual “Wash all rental bikes” day in San Francisco.

Hillary Clnton said that the 2008 presidential campaign showed a woman can be president. Is that the right reminder for her to be using? Because the 2008 campaign also showed that picking someone for the ticket just because she was a woman can help the other side win an election.

 

Beginning to think this man does not want to leave New Jersey. Chris Christie today, when asked about Iraq, “we’ve got to put together a ‘coalition of the willing’, which has been used before … ” Yes, and that worked out so well. ‪#‎GeorgeWBush‬ ‪#‎DontforgetPoland‬

Boston Red Sox manager John Farrell to fans. “I wouldn’t write this team off.”. So is Farrell telling us he can’t write?

Four people are recovering after a man accidentally fired a gun during a wedding celebration at the Waldorf Astoria in New York City. The bullet grazed a woman’s head and injured 3 others with debris. Your move, Florida

 

The NY D.A. says the case against the man whose gun went off at a Waldorf Astoria wedding has been deferred, while they decide whether or not to charge him. His lawyer says “There was no recklessness in this case.” Because, hey, doesn’t everyone need to be armed at weddings in five-star hotels?

Maybe the guy just had a think for “Red Wedding?”

The joys of outsourcing. United Airlines uses low-paid contract workers instead of employees  in many airports.  One flight delay from one of those airports, Louisville, leads to several incompetent steps. End result, not getting on two wide-open alternative flights home, in part because “checked bags must travel with passengers.” And then arriving at 200a to find that the person, probably making about $12 an hour,  who insisted on keeping us with luggage did the new tags WRONG, so bags went on THREE different flights without us and arrived 18 hours later….

Some may have been surprised that the big Walmart fight that went viral was between two women. Well, it WAS in the shampoo aisle. A place most men do not venture.

(and some men are asking “there’s a shampoo aisle?”)

 

 

From T.C.  “MMA, UFC & WWE are all currently bidding for rights to use Walmart shampoo aisles as future venues for Pay for View events.”

Past his bedtime?

April 11, 2014

Rush Limbaugh is attacking CBS for hiring Stephen Colbert to host “The Late Show, saying the network is “blowing up the 11:30 format under the guise that the world’s changing…..They’ve hired a partisan, so-called comedian, to run a comedy show.” Uh, just guessing that Rush has never watched Letterman?

 

Tiger Woods isn’t at the Masters. Phil Mickelson missed the cut. But the Red Sox are playing the Yankees this weekend. And over at ESPN they’re thinking “Thank you, Jesus.”

 

Missouri just dismissed their star WR Dorial Green-Beckman. He already had two marijuana arrests, and last weekend police reported a woman student said he forced open her door and pushed her down four stairs while trying to see his girlfriend. Green-Beckman has been projected as a possible 1st round NFL pick. Wonder how long it will take some kind coach to offer him a second chance?

A shoe was tossed at Hillary Clinton  during a speech? Really? She hasn’t even been elected President yet.

Michael Pineda was seen pitching today with a brown substance on his throwing hand, setting off speculation that he was using pine tar. But hey, it’s the Yankees, so Bud Selig will no doubt proclaim that the steroid era is over.

 

#GaylordPerry has to be shaking his head over this #MichaelPineda alleged pine-tar controversy. As in, “Dude, Vaseline is colorless.”

A 52 year old woman has been charged with felony counts of solicitation of rape after what she calls a childish “prank that got out of control.” Unhappy at losing her “dream house” to a higher bid, she put ads online pretending to be the new woman owner and claiming she had a rape fantasy. No, not Florida. San Diego.

Kathleen Sibelius apparently was missing a page of her farewell speech today. The GOP immediately set upon this as reason for another vote to repeal Obamacare.

 

Coldwater Creek has filed for bankruptcy and will liquidate stores. Response from most Americans, who or what is “Coldwater Creek?” #Ithinkiseetheproblem

The Australian Prime Minister says he is “confident” that signals heard are from MH370’s black box. And if a politician says it, it must be true.

 

The latest, however, from the Australian Prime Minister , is that the search for Flight 370 is “a massive task, and it is likely to continue for a long time.” Which could mean one of the world’s easiest jobs for a while could be “CNN Programming Director.”

 

 

Madison Bumgarner,  5 RBIs including a grand slam.  The DH is SO overrated. #Pitchtomadbum #SFGiants

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Colin Kaepernick tweeted “The charges made in the TMZ story and other stories I’ve seen are completely wrong. They make things up about me that never happened.” He may be right about TMZ but just maybe Colin should also think about not giving them anything to work with?

(as in, dude, you’re not in college anymore, you’re the face of a NFL franchise….)

 

 

From Marc Ragovin  “Fox News Anchor Heather Childers congratulated the UConn men’s basketball team on winning the NAACP championship. Proving once again that a mind is a terrible thing to waste.

Fox News anchor Heather Childers congratulated the UConn men’s basketball team on winning the NAACP championship, proving once again that a mind is a terrible thing to waste.

Comedy Writer Marc Ragovin of New York

– See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/hartley-millers-hart-attack-april-11-2014-edition-466/#sthash.H9TV53JM.dpuf

Every breath you take….

June 23, 2013

Facebook admitted yesterday they accidentally exposed 6 million users’ phone numbers and email addresses to unauthorized viewers over the past year. Why are we wasting taxpayer funds on the NSA etc when the private sector can invade our privacy so much more inexpensively?

 

What’s more unreal to modern Monopoly players? That you can buy properties for hundreds of dollars? Or that anyone would want to buy property in Atlantic City?

 

 

Hillary Clinton, speaking in Toronto, “Let me say this, hypothetically speaking, I really do hope that we have a woman president in my lifetime.” Wonder if you can find a video of the speech at Hillary2016.com

 

Derek Jeter says he is making progress with his broken ankle. Wonder if he’ll be back in time for the next Yankees’ old timers game?

 

From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg:   “New York Yankee great, Joe Torre’s daughter, Christine, caught a baby that fell from a fire escape in Brooklyn; good thing she wasn’t a Mets’ daughter. She would have made an error throwing the baby to first.

Reports are that Aaron Hernandez reportedly destroyed his home surveillance system and handed his cellphone over to police “in pieces.” If the Patriots’ TE isn’t guilty of murder, he may be guilty of being one of the stupider SOB’s that ever lived.

 

1997 Tour de France winner Jan Ullrich finally admitted that he did blood doping during his career. At this point it would be bigger news if we found out one of the top racers WASN’T doping.

 

So the NBA finals were last Thursday, and the NBA draft is next Thursday. And the NFL is trying to figure out…. how do we do that? #Yearroundleague

 

Colin Kaepernick threw out the first pitch at Friday night’s #SFGiants game; he was clocked at 87 mph. And Barry Zito just wept.

Wonder if they are applying for tax exempt status? “Americans for Food and Beverage Choice?”, self-described as “a group of people just like you” is running ads against “new taxes and regulations on food and beverages”  

“Just like you.”    

Right. And just coincidence that “The American Beverage Association, which represents the non-alcoholic beverage industry, is leading this coalition”?

 

As the Yankees turn…

February 5, 2009

Derek Jeter defended his former manager and said, despite the book controversy that Joe Torre would never intentionally be cruel or try to hurt anybody. That remains George Steinbrenner’s job.


What’s all the big fuss about Phelps and the bong? Not exactly like marijuana would have helped him swim faster. Now if Takeru Kobayashi and Joey Chestnut were seen using one before the hot dog eating championship…

(note, Chestnut is the current champion, Kobayashi is a six time champion.)


This just in, all cellphones and cameras will now be confiscated at the door for any parties involving Jamaica’s track team.

And yet another Olympic scandal to tarnish a sport’s reputation. At a recent party a member of the U.S. snowboarding team was seen NOT smoking marijuana.

In Pittsburgh, city officials have adjusted their original estimates of 300,000 in the streets for the Steelers’ Super Bowl victory parade. Apparently about half of that number was just in line at the unemployment office.


Prosecutors now say that they believe Barry Bonds was taking a female fertility drug to mask his steroid use. In Bonds’ defense his lawyers say actually he was fascinated by the idea of octuplets.


And since it’s been a while since any Hillary jokes…

Hillary Clinton spent some of her first week as Secretary of State calling world leaders and said they all had a “appreciation” for the new Obama foreign policy. They also asked her, next time can you please not call at 3am?

Hillary Clinton said in a town meeting with State Department staff that sometimes she completely forgot she ran for president; “it was like a blur it went by so fast.” And of course, she was distracted by sniper fire at the time.