Posted tagged ‘Santa jokes’

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Very bad Santa.

November 26, 2013

A Massachusetts man who played Santa Claus at a mall has charged with groping an 18-year-old woman playing an elf. Are we sure this isn’t a sequel to a Billy Bob Thorton movie?

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I’m a little disappointed in the GOP. It’s been over 24 hours and I haven’t yet seen anyone tie #Brian of #FamilyGuy‘s death to #Obamacare.

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A-Rod has added Bud Selig to his lawsuit against MLB, saying because the commissioner didn’t testify at his hearing that Selig “lacked the courage of his convictions.” Ridiculous. As if anyone thought Bud had convictions.

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#Colts owner Jim Irsay is ranting again on Twitter about his team’s performance.  Another thing to be thankful for –  George Steinbrenner didn’t live in the social media age.

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At this point wouldn’t it be faster for ESPN to announce the players in the Seattle Seahawks secondary who HAVEN’T been suspended?

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Gosh times are tough. Kanye West said he needed to leave his Nike deal to sign with Adidas because “I have to provide for my family.”

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The Mets and Yankees missed the playoffs, the Giants, Jets, Knicks and Nets look well on their way to doing the same. At this point the next NYC-area team to make the post season may be Rutgers football in the no-name bowl.

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The only players signed for the Los Angeles Lakers next season are Kobe Bryant and Steve Nash. Maybe the team hopes to offset their costs with a big endorsement contract from Depends?

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Lots of headlines about CBS ordering Lara Logan and her producer to take a leave of absence over their story on Benghazi which was based on a supposed witness who falsified his story. On Foxnews.com this story is in the entertainment section, after the story on Alec Baldwin being fired.

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The story is that Alec Baldwin’s rants at photographers cost him his talk show job at MSNBC. More like his rants gave the network a chance to dump a show with low ratings.

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Lakers GM manager Mitch Kupchak said today that not only will Kobe Bryant retire as a Laker, he’ll also finish his career playing on a championship-contending team. So is Kobe planning to play until he’s 50?

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Britney Spears’ new album is only 36 minutes long. Isn’t that about the same length as her first marriage?

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Tacky alert:    High winds may ground Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade balloons. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has offered to march as a substitute.

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Merry, merry….

December 25, 2012

Wishing everyone a happy and safe Christmas Eve. And beware of low-flying, or should i say, high-flying, reindeer in Colorado and Washington.

 

Have to wonder in  Colorado and Washington,  how many families will wait up to find presents under the tree,  the cookies and milk still on the table, but all their Doritos missing.

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NORAD is in the midst of their traditional Santa tracking. But wonder what happens this year when Instagram tries to sell all the pictures.

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So if Santa didn’t show up with the right toys last night, can parents explain it to their children by telling them that unfortunately Rudolph was guiding his sleigh with Apple maps?

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Some think it’s unfair for the NBA to schedule games on Christmas Day. But on a brighter note it does save the players from the tough decision of spending the day with which mother of their children.

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Just noticed, no joke, that there’s a Justin Bieber perfume. “That’s exactly what I want for Christmas,” said no one over the age of 12.

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A customer who was tired of waiting for his check at a Texas Denny’s set their Christmas tree on fire. Caused a lot of damage, but the roasted tree probably ended up tasting better than most of their menu items.

 

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Some of the conservative media are headlining the fact that Obama landed in Hawaii last night and went out to play golf this morning. Of course, had the President stayed in D.C. to work on the “fiscal cliff” the same folks would accuse him of making Republicans in Congress give up their Christmas for his political gain.

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A cashier accidentally sold a New Hampshire man the wrong lottery ticket, and it turned out to be the one that won a $2.1 million Tri-State Megabucks Plus prize. Wonder how long it will take for some other lottery player to sue?

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Heaven is a messier place tonight. R.I.P Jack Klugman.

 

 

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Letter from Santa?

December 20, 2010

Open reply letter from Santa to Chicago Cubs fans:  I got all your nice letters. Really. And I promise I’ll take care of that little World Series thing as soon as I take care of a few simpler requests like world peace.

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Note to Canadian readers – Santa apparently sent almost the same letter to Maple Leafs fans.

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Meanwhile, in Oakland, parents whose children have asked for things they can’t afford or don’t want to buy have an easy out.  “Sorry, kids, Santa hired Jamarus Russell to help him toss toys from the sleigh down the chimney.  Latest word is he’s still wondering where they ended up.

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The Vikings upgraded Brett Favre to questionable for tonight’s game against the Bears.  Frustrated fans responded that Brett has been questionable for most the year.

A recent polls showed 52 percent of Republicans believe in creationism.   Well, on some level it makes sense. These folks don’t do much for the theory of evolution.

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from my funny friend Jerry Perisho:

Racehorses who run well in sloppy weather are called “mudders.”  If they ever make a movie about those horses starring Robert De Niro and Ben Stiller, will they title it “Mudder fockers?”

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and from Alex Kaseberg.  Some parents-to-be have actually asked their Facebook friends to name their soon-to-be-born baby. So let’s all get ready to welcome to the world, little miss ROFTLMAO.

 

This a combined effort with T.C.  (since he sent me a great minds comment.)

There’s a new page in the NFL handbook for rookie punters.  1.  When punting at the end of the half or the end of a game, make sure to punt the ball out of bounds.  2.  If you can’t punt it out of bounds, for Gawd’s sake punt it to the sidelines. At least that way one of your coaches will have a chance to trip the guy.

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Twisted holiday thoughts…

December 24, 2009

Republican senators were going to delay the healthcare vote into Christmas Eve or even Christmas day. But apparently they were getting a lot of pressure from their wives and girlfriends to come home. Sometimes from both of them.

And Alex Kaseberg reminds me to add. Don’t forget the pressure a few of the men are also getting from their boyfriends.

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Brett Favre has resolved his dispute with Vikings’ coach Brad Childress. In fact Favre allegedly said he originally thought Childress was all wet but thinks now the coach is the cat’s pyjamas

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Bad news for children of tightwad environmentalists. Apparently their parents are considering telling them that Santa has to stay home because he is worried about his carbon footprint.

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Actually Santa’s pretty amazing. Who else could be in and out of so many homes around the world in such a short time? Besides Tiger Woods that is.

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The parents of the the balloon boy were both sentenced to jail for devising the hoax that they hoped would get them a reality show. Well, they may not have gotten their show, but they got the real life version of “I’m a celebrity, get me out of here.”
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Now that Mark Sanford is getting divorced, many wonder if he will end up with his “soulmate” in Argentina. If he does, one question, what does he tell her if he really does want to go hiking?

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Many advertisers are taking Tiger Woods’ name out of their advertisements because the association is just becoming too embarrassing. In related news, New Jersey is thinking of removing their name from the Nets.

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Disappointing news for romantics from Hollywood. Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins are splitting up. While they haven’t given a reason, I must admit part of me hopes she found a younger man.

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Pre-Christmas wishes..

December 19, 2009

Memo from Santa.

To – All comedy writers expecting something in their Christmas stockings

“I already gave you Tiger Woods, how much more do you want?”

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And in the “be careful what you wish for department,” wonder if someone connected with the PGA tour ever wished two things this fall, that golf would be front page news, and that next year’s tournaments might be more competitive, with more new faces having a chance to win.

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A major snowstorm is hitting Washington, D.C. this weekend and the capital is expected to be paralyzed. So for Congress, it’s business as usual.

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When she was in Hawaii, Sarah Palin was wearing a sun visor with John McCain’s name blacked out. The question is, who blacked out the name? Sarah, or the McCain campaign?

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Palin actually said she blacked out the name with a Sharpie so that she could go “incognito.” Wouldn’t a big floppy hat have been easier? Although presumably there are easier places to have privacy than at one of the biggest hotels – the Hilton Hawaiian Village – in Waikiki.

And you have to wonder what was the paparazzi’s first clue….the autographed stack of copies of “Going Rogue” on her beach blanket?)

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According to the Los Angeles Times, USC’s leading rusher, Joe McKnight, has been seen regularly around town driving a $27,000 SUV registered to a booster. And the university is already under investigation for alleged “improper benefits” to Reggie Bush and O.J. Mayo. Maybe it’s time to start referring to them as the University of the Severely Clueless.

Bad pun alert.

Seattle is actually taking a chance on outfielder Milton Bradley. They are hoping as he gets into his 30s that the talented but volatile player will be more even-tempered. In other words, they hope there will be no whines from the ancient Mariner.

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Tough love? Florida defensive end Carlos Dunlap, arrested for DUI on December 1, has been reinstated for the Sugar Bowl. His court appearance is scheduled Jan 10, but coach Urban Meyer says he’s paid a “serious price” already, and he’s been a “good student and a good person.”

I’m sure the fact Dunlap was the team leader in sacks and is projected as a first round draft pick had nothing to do with it.

(By the way, Dunlap, who has pleaded “not guilty”, is 20 years old. Any drink he had before getting in a car was illegal.)

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