Posted tagged ‘airport jokes’

Ownership?

May 21, 2015

 

Okay, this is a bit harsh. And the SF Giants know as well as any team how meaningless the regular season can be when you get to the playoffs.  But who says American ingenuity is dead?  From the Los Angeles Dodgers’ Wikipedia page:

 

 

wikipedia

 

Clayton Kershaw on the pitch that Madison Bumgarner hit for a home run. “It was a fastball right down the middle. I should have respected him a little more.” Well, since Madbum hit four last year, maybe Kershaw should have just watched a little tape.

There are only 18 players in MLB who have homered off of both Clayton Kershaw and Zack Greinke. One of them is Madison “Babe” Bumgarner.

Well, on the bright side for the ‪#‎LADodgers‬, they had no wear-and-tear on their bats in 3 games at AT&T Park. ‪#‎sweep‬ ‪#‎3shutouts‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬

Aaron Hernandez, serving a life sentence and now on trial for witness intimidation, apparently has a new tattoo and will “face discipline” for it. So what, they are going to lock the former Patriot away for two lifetimes?

 

Brewers’ relief pitcher Will Smith was ejected tonight for allegedly having pine tar on his arm. He said it was a mixture of rosin and sunscreen that he forgot to remove before coming in. Once again I like “pushed into a lifeboat” better.

Many complain that raising minimum wage will result in higher costs. But as USA TODAY reports, while McDonalds’ workers are pushing for a $15 hourly minimum wage, top executives at the company average $1220 an hour. Where’s the outrage over what THAT adds to the cost of a hamburger

The Duggar parents from “19 Kids and Counting” are rallying behind their son Josh, 27, after it has come out that he molested several girls when he was a teenager: “Even though we would never choose to go through something so terrible, each one of our family members drew closer to God.” Wonder if they’d be as supportive if one of their children simply came out as gay?

Pennsylvania Governor Tom Wolf has come out in favor of decriminalizing marijuana. Well, leaving aside the taxation and use-of- police-time issues, Philly fans need all the ways to mellow out they can get.

Kobe Bryant’s tweet on the Laker’s good luck in the NBA lottery. “We played like crap all season so it’s only right we get the #2 pick HA ‪#‎lakerluck‬ ‪#‎goodday‬” Well, and if the team only wasn’t paying $24 million to one over-the-hill player…..

Bus to hell time.  The world’s largest Disney Store opened in Shanghai and shoppers lined up for over a mile to get in. Sort of the Chinese equivalent of a school crafts fair where adults rush to buy what their children have made?

The FCC apparently has gotten 22 complaints from viewers watching golf on TV over bad language. And 15 of those involved Tiger Woods. Well, this might mean Tiger’s outbursts are in a different league. Or it might mean he’s the only golfer most people watch.

At Charlotte’s airport. a man who was angry about his flight being overbooked stripped naked in protest. And airlines are thinking, hmm… less weight, less fuel issues. Can we start having a clothing surcharge?

Citicorp, Barclays, JPMorgan Chase and the Royal Bank of Scotland have pleaded guilty to rigging the currency markets in 2008 and will pay collectively more than $5 billion in penalties. And you thought your banking fees were high NOW.

So apparently that shoot out in Waco, Texas started over a parking dispute. Many women heard that and are thinking “And they weren’t even Christmas shopping?

 

From T.C.  “NFL.com is refusing to take orders for personalized jerseys with the name “DEFLATOR” on the back. How about “SSSSSSSSSSS””

College prep?

March 7, 2014

In Atlanta, an investigation discovered that parents of 14 of the 58 players on the highly-ranked Grady High School football team had used faked addresses to enroll at the school. Sounds like the parents are preparing their sons well for the honorable world of college football….

(And maybe the parents all wanted their sons to play at SEC schools?)

The Miami Marlins were reportedly upset that Boston sent a mostly minor-league lineup “organizational filler in Red Sox batting practice jerseys” to a spring training game today. “Organizational filler in jerseys.” Doesn’t that basically describe the 2013 Marlins? (Who won all of 62 games.)

Class, nothing but class. All around. An Ohio woman, upset when she found out her husband was having an affair with a Walmart employee, went to that Walmart, and posted numerous photos throughout the store of them having sex , with the caption “Hide your Husbands.”

(and have to wonder, how many Walmart shoppers tried to buy the pictures?)

Jon Stewart on the new GOP love affair with Putin because he’s a leader. “‘Makes a quick decision and everybody reacts.’ That’s not what you call a leader, that’s what you call a toddler.”

The #Philadelphia76ers have lost 15 games in a row. This could affect their seeding in the NCAA tournament. #MarchMadness

Adrian Peterson wants Minnesota to sign free agent QB Michael Vick. So will the media start secret polls to see if Viking players would be comfortable with a dog-killer in their locker room?

Meanwhile, the Brooklyn Nets are 7-3 in their last 10 games.  And on a four game win streak.  Now Jason Collins isn’t playing that much….but if he’s affecting the locker room, a whole lot more teams will be wanting to sign gay players.

The Miami Heat lost 111-87 to the San Antonio Spurs tonight, and LeBron James partly blamed his short-sleeve jersey for his 6-18 shooting night. Right then, if LeBron wasn’t bothered by his jersey and hit 100% of this shots, the Heat would have… tied?!

Manny Ramirez has set up his own training camp near Miami, and hopes that some team gives him a call ”If it is God’s will, I could play in MLB this season.” It could happen, particularly if God loves comedy writers.

In Georgia lawmakers are considering a bill that would allow guns in Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport. Well, that’s one way to deal with overhead bin hogs.

Tony Hawk apologized to fans who thought a viral video showing him flying on a hoverboard was real. (The pro-skateboarder was actually using a movie stunt harness.) What’s next? Hawk signing a contract to promote Amazon’s drone delivery?

Entitlement karma in action in Los Altos, California.  Chevy Tahoe parked in a “compact car” space, unable to open driver’s side door due to a large Mercedes SUV parked right next to them, also in a “compact car” space….

At Oscar Pistorius’s trial in South Africa, a defense witness said he found the track star crying over his girlfriend’s body and praying for her to live. A sign of innocence, or a sign that Pistorius had calmed down after shooting the young woman and was already regretting it?

The Washington D.C. City Council Legislation voted last night to decriminalize marijuana. Could put a whole new meaning on bringing cases before the high court.

From Marc Ragovin:  “Kiki Dee turned 67 on Thursday. That explains her new hit: “DOn’t Go Breaking My Hip.” (more…)