Archive for the ‘baseball jokes’ category

It’s not easy being green

April 9, 2017

 

Sergio Garcia,, who’s been playing golf professionally for almost 20 years, finally won his first major tournament.

“Amateur” said Cubs fans.

Uh oh, #Cubs win World Series, #Trump wins election & now #MapleLeafs make NHL playoffs. Maybe we really do need to prepare for apocalypse

Uh oh, a Spaniard wins the Masters, and Englishman Justin Rose was second. Time for Trump to impose visa limits on foreign golfers?  Make American Golfers Great Again?

So how long until Trump tweets that #TheMasters is all well and good but Augusta really can’t hold a candle to Trump courses?

So how long until Tiger Woods returns to the Masters as a commentator?

Mariners proved proved today that whatever SF Giants problems are this year, bullpen meltdowns are relative. (9-3 lead to Angels blown in 9th.)

A Palm Sunday miracle has occurred. SF Giants left fielder has a base hit.  (first of the season, only took 7 games)

Mike Krukow says “If you have a home run in the big leagues you can hit.” Some of us long-time baseball fans going, uh Mickey Lolich.  (He hit one home run, in the 1968 World Series. Not even sure he knows how.)

(And as my friend Daniel says, for you young folks, Bartolo Colon.)

 

Cavs blew a 26th-point 4th quarter lead to the Hawks.  So do Atlanta sports fans feel a little better?  #notexactly

Alas, anyone who works in a customer service field who saw last night’s #LouisCK hotel monologue on SNL knows he wasn’t exaggerating.

NFL players James Harrison, NaVorro Bowman & Marshawn Lynch may face league discipline for being scheduled to participate in the Pro Football Arm Wrestling Championship in Las Vegas this weekend.
Joe Lockhart, NFL executive VP for communications & public affairs – “Had we been asked in advance if this was acceptable, we would have indicated that it was in direct violation of the gambling policy,”
Well, heck, heaven forbid anyone ever associates pro football with gambling.

It would be nice to wake up some morning these day without bad news.” – The World. #Egypt

 

 

Apparently a Russian computer programmer, Pyotr Levashov, who has been suspected of being involved in U.S. election hacking attacks, has been arrested in Barcelona.
Wonder what the odds are of him dying of “natural causes” while in custody.

Giants chicks don’t dig these long balls.

April 6, 2017

 

Jeff Samardzija somehow only gave up 24 home runs in 2016. Given 32 starts now on pace for 96 in 2017. #SFGiants

In first 3 games,  SF Giants left fielders are 0-15 w/ nine Ks. Over-under on how many times Madbum has to offered to pinch hit?

Kentucky sophomore Isaiah Briscoe has announced he will leave school for the NBA draft. Shocking many college basketball fans – One of Calipari’s Kentucky teams had a sophomore?

 

So can the LA Kings honor Don Rickles by putting his picture on a giveaway hockey puck?

Can just imagine things tonight “You call this heaven? Those pearly gates are really looking tired.” #DonRickles

RIP #DonRickles. Wonder if realizing he couldn’t keep up with Trump on insults finally killed him.

The post Tiger Woods era. Headline “World’s #1 Player Drops out of Masters.” And millions of Americans go “Who?” #Masters

#RyanHoward has signed a minor-league contract with Braves in hopes of making it back to big leagues. Hmm, about that SF Giants left field problem. Just how retired is #25?

Just think how much fun he’ll be w/Lonzo in NBA. You can’t win no championship w/ 3 white guys..foot speed is too slow’ – LaVar Ball on UCLA

Two week vacation for @TheDailyShow. This is not good. When Jon Stewart left we got Trump. #Whatsnext?

Presale for “The Classic” concert Friday with the Eagles, Fleetwood Mac, Steely Dan, Journey, Earth, Wind & Fire and The Doobie Brothers runs from 10a to 10p. Wonder if there’s an early-bird special?

Trump-“The world is a mess. I inherited a mess!” Guess somebody didn’t read too far down in the President job description.

Russia’s Supreme Court has upheld banning Jehovah’s Witnesses as an extremist group. Who says there’s no USA-Russia common ground?

The US just launched 50 Tomahawk cruise missiles against Syria. So did Trump push all the buttons or did he let Jared do it?

Meanwhile, back at home, the night before “Equal Pay Day,” Trump signed an executive order canceling an Obama policy requiring federal contractors to give equal treatment to women. But Donald no doubt feels sure that when he creates more jobs for men, women won’t need to work?

Trump defends O’Reilly, but had Bill Clinton’s accusers at Presidential debate. Guess it’s only harassment if a Democrat does it.

 

A Secret Service agent was suspended for allegedly meeting a prostitute in a Maryland hotel. What is this world coming to? These men are supposed to protect the President and they can’t even figure out Tinder?

Wednesday was  National Burrito Day.    Waiting for Trump to tweet taking credit for all the cheap gas.

So now that a simple majority is enough for a win how do we do a retroactive Nuclear Option on the Electoral College

The GOP does realize the Nuclear Option could eventually go both ways, right?

Stay classy Ann Coulter, who tweeted today “Gen. Michael Hayden: N Korea will make nuke capable of hitting Seattle! Situation will be dire as soon as they can hit a city worth saving.”
Just guessing Ann might not want to venture into her local Starbucks any time soon.

More classy. The NY Times reports after the 2nd Presidential debate that Trump sent a personal email to Jeff Zucker, the President of CNN “Jeff — Too bad you (CNN) couldn’t be honest with how well I did in the debate. The dumbest thing I ever did was get you the job at CNN — you are the most disloyal person. Just remember, I always seem to find a way to get even. Best wishes, Donald J. Trump.”
Question of the day, who will Trump attack first for this “leak” – the NYTimes or CNN?

The end of the beginning.

March 30, 2017

Interesting how the pre-seasons for MLB and NBA are ending about the same time.

 –
So at what point do TV executives start worrying about a potental Warriors or Spurs vs Raptors Wizards or Celtics @NBA final?
Meanwhile,  CBS executives waking up in the middle of the night with visions of Oregon–South Carolina.
Albert L. Lord, a Penn State trustee reportedly wrote in an email that he is “running out of sympathy for 35 yr old, so-called victims (of Jerry Sandusky) with 7 digit net worth… Do not understand why they were so prominent in trial.”
Okay, what’s more unbelievable, that the guy actually thinks this, or that he’s stupid enough to put it in an email?
#NeverAskAWoman If she’s REALLY fine. If she says she’s “fine” you’re already toast.
So how long until Hawaii starts a tourism campaign advertising a “Trump-free” vacation? #Hawaiiboycott
McDonald’s says they will start making their Quarter-Pounders w/ fresh beef. So is this a change that the meat is fresh or that it’s beef?
Mike Pence is so pure he can’t be alone w/ any woman who isn’t his wife. But he has no problem being VP for a pussy-grabber.    Priorities.
Mike Pence won’t have dinner alone w/ a woman. Sir, I think I speak for millions of US women – “Your virtue is safe with us.” #notinterested
So the way Trump, Pence & rest of GOP are talking about women now, can only assume the witch trials commence by summer?
Trump’s now upset at some of his own party. “The Freedom Caucus will hurt the entire Republican agenda if they don’t get on the team, & fast. We must fight them, & Dems, in 2018!”
So would Trump like to put out a list of who he thinks IS on his team? Besides Ivanka and Jared.
As Trump says “We must fight” the Freedom Caucus and the Dems, paraphrased question of the day “Who’s we, orange man?
Trump attacks @NYtimes, wants to “change libel laws.” Amazing how someone so in love w/ 2nd amendment can so disregard the 1st.
Trump apparently threatened Mark Sanford with a Congressional primary challenger if he didn’t vote for Trumpcare. Never thought it could be done – but someone has put Mr. Appalachian Trail on the moral high road.

#MikeFlynn reportedly to testify ff granted immunity. Remember when these Russian espionage movies required scriptwriters? #passthepopcorn

Trump loves to talk about loyalty. But he basically fired #MikeFlynn. I’m sure Flynn didn’t take it personally. #passthepopcorn

Now that we’re officially in Spring, time to start a pool on which of his resorts Trump will dub the “Summer White House?  (assuming he makes it to Summer.)

Going, going, not quite gone.

March 28, 2017

The Raiders sent out an email today to Season Ticket Holders offering to let them put down a deposit on tickets in Las Vegas.

 

Isn’t this sort of like your significant other telling you he/she is leaving you for someone else as soon as they get their home built, but she’d love to have you come to the housewarming party.

 

A Nevada brothel owner today said he will open a Raiders-themed bordello in 2020. Meaning that unlike Oakland fans, new Las Vegas fans of the team can at least get value for money while being screwed.

Average high temperature in Las Vegas in September, 95%, down from a 103% in August. But hey, fire up those grills for tailgates. #Raiders

As Raiders prepare to pack up & move, a good time to remember that #SFGiants just paid off their PRIVATELY FUNDED stadium.

Lonzo Ball and Markelle Fultz are likely to be the top 2 chosen in the 2017 NBA draft. Today in an interview, Ball said he can “lead a team better, and that “Markelle’s a great player, but I feel I’m better than him.”
Sounds like the apple doesn’t swagger far from the tree.

The world’s largest dinosaur footprint just found in ‘Australia’s Jurassic Park’. Was it from a pickup game involving Tim Duncan?

 

Heard a commercial for FanDuel fantasy golf. Thinking if you seriously play fantasy golf for money you just might have a gambling problem.

 

White House says Trump turned down invite from #Nationals to throw out 1st pitch Opening Day. Bummer. Would have been Bigliest boos ever.

Has it occurred to anyone in Trump administration that Mexico builds tunnels a lot faster than we could build a wall?

Bill O’Reilly insulted Maxine Waters’ hair. Can someone get Bill drunk and ask him what he really thinks of Donald Trump’s hair?

.

Johnny Carson as Carnac would do answers first, then questions. An old favorite -“UCLA.” The question – “What happens when smog clears over Los Angeles?”
Doesn’t seem so funny when Trump signs an executive order getting rid of regulations for clean-air.

President signs  EO gutting fed regulations against climate change. If global warming floods FloridaL could it please start with a Trump golf course?.

#TrumpAFamousQuote “Loving myself means never having to say I’m sorry.”

Supreme Court ruled 9-0 w/ Paula Jones & Clinton that Pres could be sued. Trump now filing motion to overturn. #Fakecourt tweet in 3.2.1…

CNN reports Sean Spicer refused to say who signed Nunes onto the White House grounds late at night, “as would be required protocol.”
Standby for the Trump Executive Order outlawing “required protocol.”

The GAO (Government Accountability Office) is apparently going to look into security costs for Trump’s Mar-A-Lago trips and see if he, as promised, is paying the treasury for profits his hotels make from foreign government visits.
Standby for Trump signing an EO to defund the GAO in 3.2.1….

Quote of the day “There was a very serious effort made by Mr. Putin and his government, his organization, to interfere in major ways with our basic, fundamental democratic processes. In some quarters that would be considered an act of war.”
But who listens to crazy liberals like Dick Cheney?

 

Checkpoint Charlie museum honors those who died trying to scale the Berlin wall for a better life. Will Mexico build museum if Trump ever builds his wall?

 

 

Lonzo Ball and Markelle Fultz are likely to be the top 2 chosen in the 2017 NBA draft. Today in an interview, Ball said he can “lead a team better, and that “Markelle’s a great player, but I feel I’m better than him.”
Sounds like the apple doesn’t swagger far from the tree.

Keep calm and f*ck terrorism

March 22, 2017

lego

 

 

My favorite city in the world. And yes I would go back tomorrow. If we stop traveling the bad guys win.

This mural, btw,  is made completely out of Lego, in the London store – Leicester Square.

Wow. A reasonable and measured response. Maybe the rumors that Tillerson won’t last long as Secretary of State in this administration are true. “We condemn these horrific acts of violence, and whether they were carried out by troubled individuals or by terrorists, the victims know no difference,”

It’s always awful when innocent people are hurt. But Britain has very tight gun laws, at least London assailant wasn’t armed.

 

Four murdered, including a police officer, until the suspect himself was shot by police. Not just London, but today in Wisconsin. The suspect is an American man with a gun. Move along, nothing to see here.

CNN reports FBI has information indicating Trump campaign associates communicated “with suspected Russian operatives to possibly coordinate the release of information damaging to Hillary Clinton’s campaign.”
#Fakenews tweet from Donald in 3.2.1….

Ghanaian Soccer player Mohammed Anas, who made headlines when he thanked his wife AND girlfriend during an interview now says “My family knows that I call my daughter my girlfriend. That’s what I was talking about. I don’t have a girlfriend.”
Is Anas trying for a post in the Trump administration?

Trumpcare will not have a requirement to cover mental health. While Congress also reduces gun regulations. What could possibly go wrong?

 

Puerto Rico has seen enough of Brandon Crawford.  Late in tonight’s game what they really wanted to see is the 2016 SF Giants’ bullpen. #WBC

Just guessing  Ian Kinsler, who hit a home run after bashing Puerto Rico’s style of play, might want to plan his next Caribbean vacation somewhere other than San Juan?

Almost didn’t recognize Dodger Stadium for #WBC championship tonight. Stands were basically full in first inning. @espn

#BeckyHammon is apparently a finalist for the head coaching job at Florida. Alas it’s the women’s team. She can coach men. @Spurs

Roger Goodell says that the NFL will address when a commercial is followed by a kickoff and then followed by another commercial. “I hate that, too. Our goal is to eliminate it.”
By just running longer commercials after kickoffs?

 

If you’re reading this…

March 15, 2017

Are you sure you’re finished with your brackets?

Warriors almost lose to 76ers, Wizards lose to Mavericks, and Spurs with Aldridge back lose to TrailBlazers.  WTF?  Can we blame Trump?

The Los Angeles Lakers are shutting down Luol Deng & Timofey Mozgov for the rest of the NBA season. Which means Deng & Mozgov will be contributing about as much as they have so far in the season.

This is a good thing, not just for @Spurs fans. Glad he’s OK –
“Spurs’ LaMarcus Aldridge cleared to return after minor heart arrhythmia.”

(but based on tonight’s game against Portland, maybe  the team celebrated a bit too much in the afternoon?)

Joint joke with Roberta K.  Israel was eliminated today from the World Baseball Classic after they lost to Japan 8-3.   Had they won, however, the team was probably going to be tested for PEB – Performance Enhancing Bagels.

-.

Jeff Sessions speaking in Richmond “I am astonished to hear people suggest that we can solve our heroin crisis by legalizing marijuana — so people can trade one life-wrecking dependency for another that’s only slightly less awful. Our nation needs to say clearly once again that using drugs will destroy your life.”
Wonder if his speech was followed by a cocktail party.

Ryan says President had a hand in #Trumpcare bill. But we all know Trump has really small hands

Hawaii judge strikes down Muslim Ban 2.0. Waiting for Trump to decry a foreign state meddling in US affairs.

 

Trump promising ‘some very interesting items’ about Obama wiretap claim. Like his “very interesting” facts about Obama’s birth certificate?

Paul Ryan on if #Trumpcare would pass today-“that’s kind of a goofy question” Prompting immediate demands for apology. From Goofy. And Pluto.

Trump wannabe Geert Wilders apparently is losing bigly in Dutch elections. Does this mean Netherlands get added to travel ban?

The CDC Monday said the Zika virus might be present in Florida sperm donations. But hey, so glad Trump is going to be doing away with all those pesky government agencies and regulations:

 

 

After Rand Paul blocked a treaty that would have allowed Montengro into NATO, something Russia opposes, John McCain stated “The senator from Kentucky is now working for Vladimir Putin.”
Uh, only the senator from Kentucky?

 

Talking points

March 1, 2017

The NCAA has suspended five Richmond baseball players, allegedly for taking part in a fantasy football league. Good to see them focusing on the real important stuff.

 

Lakers honored 2017 Rose Bowl Champions USC Trojans at their game tonight. Well, probably best chance anytime soon for ANY champions to be on the floor at Staples Center.

You know it’s really early days in Spring Training when even as a serious SF Giants fan you hear someone got an RBI & you aren’t sure what team they play for.

Johnny Manziel missed a court-ordered deadline with his domestic violence case, but told the judge today that it was partly because “I don’t believe in what the NFL does (or) have a lot of trust in them based on past situations.” Manziel also said “my life is trending upward.”
Uh, apparently that upward trend doesn’t yet include personal responsibility.

Nordstrom just reported better-than-expected quarterly profit. Hmm, SNL, the NY Times… Trump IS helping make some companies great again.

Facebook is running an ad on ADHD coaching. Do they really expect anyone who might need the coaching to stay focused enough to click on the ad. Oh, look a squirrel video….

Add to the list of NBA teams unhappy with Trump,  the Washington Wizards, since #JointSession means most Americans missed their best game of year.

Sometimes we can all get along:. Keith Ellison brought Tom Perez as his guest to tonight’s #JointSession

Who says I never agree with anything Trump does? New V.A secretary David Shulkin is chosen  Designated Survivor?

 

We’re getting rid of regulations but the water and air are going to choose to be clean. #TrumpEnvironmentalPolicy

What does Trump have against Chicago? Did a woman from there  turn down one of his marriage proposals once?

 

“Lawless chaos.” What does Trump think this country really is? Another installment in the Mad Max Series? #JointAddress

 

Why Steve Beshear? Well, for one big reason, it means that many Democrats, still working on healing after Ellison-Perez race, don’t get upset. Because anointing ANYONE as the future of the Democratic party right now probably pisses off at least 1/3 of the party no matter who it is.

Once again feel so sad that Jennifer Granholm was born in Vancouver.

Attorney General Sessions is worried about “marijuana being sold at every corner grocery store.” Would it be OK if Walmart sold pot next to gun dept?

#Oscars vowing to “take action” after Best Picture debacle. Uh, simple rule, if you’re in charge of envelopes, put away your damn phone.

Happy Mardi Gras. But really, these days in America isn’t every Tuesday Fat Tuesday?

“Ryan was a part of a highly successful raid’. Lovely sentiment. Lovely widow. But then why did you say the military “lost” him. Sad.

 

Trump  invited the widows of two police officers and the father of a son who were all killed by undocumented immigrants to sit in the Presidential box for his address to Congress tonight.
As to the widow of the Indian man killed in Kansas, and families of the Charleston shooter…. well, sorry, they were killed by white Americans.

 

Trump tonight “I have ordered the Department of Homeland Security to create an office to serve American victims. The office is called VOICE: Victims of Immigration Crime Engagement.”
VOICE? Really? Because CONTROL and KAOS were taken?

Trump seen ordering a well done steak with ketchup? Where’s outrage from those who attacked NY Mayor DeBlasio for eating pizza with a fork?