Archive for the ‘baseball jokes’ category

And down the stretch they stumble

May 21, 2016

Today was the ‪#‎Preakness‬. Otherwise known to millions as the race  that answers the question. “Do we care about the ‪#‎Belmont‬ this year?”

#‎Exaggerator‬ wins the ‪#‎Preakness‬. Hope this isn’t an omen about ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬

Saturday’s rainy ‪#‎Preakness‬ Stakes had almost as much mud flying around as the Presidential race.

 

Now that ‪#‎Exaggerator‬ has won the ‪#‎Preakness‬ is he telling other horses about the ‪#‎Belmont‬ and his potential ‪#‎TripleCrown‬ win?

While the Preakness was a good race, the sad story at Pimlico was that two other horse died earlier at the track today, one from a heart attack after winning a race, one after falling and breaking her leg. But wonder how many people are decrying horse racing while taking another bite of their hamburger or hot dog.

The Oklahoma legislature is calling for the impeachment of President Obama over his bathroom rights directive, which they say is “biblically wrong.” Fine then, if it’s all about morals, shouldn’t they also be trying to get that “I’m just a girl who can’t say no” song out of their state musical? ‪#‎OklahomanotOK‬

Apparently some Americans are rethinking travel to Europe in the wake of 66 people being killed in the Egypt Air crash. So they’ll stay home and drive this summer, where about 3,000 of us will get killed each month on the roads.

Another day, more plumbing issues at O.co Coliseum before ‪#‎As‬ ‪#‎Yankees‬ game. Insert “sh*tty baseball teams” joke here”:

A Willie Mays 1952 Topps rookie card just sold for $478,000 at auction. And millions of men thinking of their own childhood collections are silently screaming “Mom!!”

 

Have many wonderful ‪#‎Cubs‬ fan friends. For some reason they are a little quieter today than yesterday. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

Matt Cain, who hadn’t had a win since last July, had his first win for the #SFGiants in 2016, along with his first hit, a two-run double. And the Giants hung on to win 5-3 So clearly the way Cain needs to win is simply supply his own RBIs.

Although closer Santiago Casilla,  who gave up a  home run to start the 9th in a a 5-2 game, once again did his best to stimulate alcohol sales around the San Francisco Bay Area. ‪#‎Torture‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬

In Santiago, two zoo lions were shot and killed after they mauled a man who jumped into their enclosure. Poor cats. And what a shame. Deprived the guy of a Darwin and the zoo of a reduced food bill.

For better, for worse, or for trade-in?

May 19, 2016

It’s a strange world when the U.S. Presidential candidate who has been married three times and had countless affairs is attacking the marriage of the one who has been with the same spouse for 41 years.

Evil thought for the night, when is someone going to ask Trump if he’s been faithful to Melania?

 

Two people are recovering in Augusta, Kansas, after a shooting during a high school graduation.  The “shooter” had his gun in his sock, it apparently went off accidentally when he was adjusting the weapon because it was uncomfortable. ‪#‎ifonlythestudentswerearmed‬

Just think, had their offers been accepted ‪#‎SFGiants‬ could have both ‪#‎PabloSandoval‬ & ‪#‎ZackGreinke‬ on this year’s payroll.

After two complete games back to back for the SF Giants pitching staff, Jeff Samardzija goes 8 innings allowing only 1 earned run. Wimp.

 

#‎SFGiants‬ bullpen pitchers are a competitive group. So no doubt they are keeping focused – wonder who’s the current Angry Birds champion?

Two SF Giants, Lopez and Span, will be serving as baristas for an hour at two Peet’s coffee locations in San Francisco on June 7. Of course, this being the high-tech community no doubt some customers will only wonder “how fast can they serve coffee?

When the Braves fired manager Fredi Gonzalez, he found out about it mid-road trip, via an email saying he had a flight back to Atlanta the next day. Sounds like the team handled the firing about as well as they’ve handled everything else this season.

A new poll found that 90% of Native Americans aren’t offended by the Washington Redskins’ nickname. 90% of Washingtonians, however, are offended by the team’s sh*tty play.

‪#‎MorleySafer‬ 84, has died. Sad. He only lasted about 60 minutes after retirement.

 

Donald Trump will use lawyer A.B. Culvahouse Jr to vet his V.P. picks, the same lawyer who vetted options for John McCain in 2008. And that worked out so well….

Donald Trump, quick to condemn the Egypt Air crash as another terrorist attack. Seems likely. But “airplane departed from Paris. When will we get tough, smart and vigilant?”
So now Trump is going to tell these other countries he insults how to run their security?

A lawsuit claims that Facebook illegally scans private messages for marketing purposes. And this is news how? ‪#‎therearenoprivatemessages‬

The Oklahoma legislature has passed that would make performing an abortion, except to save the life of the mother, a felony.
Well, at least the way the Thunder played last night doesn’t look like sports fans will have to worry much longer about spending money in the state this spring.

Well, it’s good to see Marco Rubio back working hard in the Senate. The Florida Legislature wants a new statue, replacing one of a Confederate Army general, at the U.S. Capitol building. And Rubio tweeted out ““Here’s suggestion for ‪#‎Florida‬ which looking 4 help replacing state statue in U.S. Capitol.” With a picture of Tim Tebow. ‪#‎priorities‬

From T.C.  “Texas second baseman Rougned Odor was handed an eight game suspension for his part in the brawl vs the Blue Jays. This will give him enough time to sign an endorsement contract with Hawaiian Punch.

Not to be outdone, look for Jose Baustista to sign a contract with Odor Eaters.”

And I think it’s going to be a long long time…

May 18, 2016

MLB commissioner Rob Manfred says he is not happy with the longer length of games in 2016, about 7 minutes longer than last season, and will be looking at all kinds of ways to speed things up. Well, except possibly reducing the length of time for commercials.

Lenny Dykstra, says now about the prevalence of HGH and competing with other players “I put (HGH) in my cereal man. It was in my cereal. We’re talking about the good stuff.”
So guess we are talking “Snap, crack and pop one out of here?”

 

 

Watching quirky & wonderful @JohnnyCueto on the mound, doesn’t it seem like he should have always been wearing orange & black? ‪#‎SFGiants‬

#‎ESPN‬ reporting that Jeff ‪#‎Hornacek‬ will be New York ‪#‎Knicks‬ new interim coach.

Lebron James: “I have no idea what a common foul and flagrant foul is.” Based on this postseason, neither do NBA refs.

#‎Thunder‬ go faster than maybe any ‪#‎NBA‬ team from looking like team that could beat anyone to team who couldn’t beat the ‪#‎76ers‬. ‪#‎GSWvsOKC‬

To mollify conservatives, Donald Trump has released a list of 11 possible Supreme Court appointees. Right. Note the term “possible.” Doesn’t mean he wouldn’t end up choosing Judge Judy.

Donald Trump, comparing U.S. cities to Iraq. “There are places in America that are among the most dangerous places on earth. You go to places like Oakland…”
So here’s Oakland mayor Libby Schaff “Let me be clear, regarding @nytimes story, the most dangerous place in America is Donald Trump’s mouth.” Three word hashtag ‪#‎yougogirl‬

 

So maybe the ‪#‎NeverTrump‬ and ‪#‎NeverHillary‬ people can get together for lunch? With plenty of whine.

Bartolo Colon is being sued for child support by a woman who alleges he has fathered two children with her, while being married to his wife for 21 years. With this and his home run, Colon seems to be trying really hard to debunk the notion that pitchers aren’t athletes.

A Fox News poll found that voters U.S voters think that both Trump and Clinton have “flawed characters.” With all due respect, considering the insanity that is the modern electoral process, not to mention the polarization in Washington, hard to imagine anyone without a somewhat “flawed character” or at least a bit of insanity, wanting to run for President.

from Marc Ragovin –   “Donald Trump has released a list of 11 potential Supreme Court nominees if he is elected. Mitch McConnell has called for immediate confirmation hearings.”

Ticket to ride?

May 18, 2016

Dear Gawd. This actual tweet from Texas Gov. Greg Abbott. “JFK wanted to send a man to the moon. Obama wants to send a man to the women’s restroom. We must get our country back on track. ”
Well, I can think of one man I’d love to send to the moon. And Abbott can take Ted Cruz with him.

 

Dikembe Mutombo tweeted out congratulations to the 76ers on winning the NBA draft lottery. Before the lottery happened.  Well this  should do wonders for the rumors that it’s all fixed.

Nancy Armour writing in USA Today says “Ban countries that dope from Olympics.” Well, that’s one way to get this upcoming mess of a Rio games cancelled.

Alabama star LT Cam Robinson along with DB Hootie Jones were arrested this a.m. Both were charged with marijuana possession but Robinson, a potential top-draft pick, also with “felony illegal possession of stolen firearms.” Yep, he’s NFL ready all right.

Maine got slammed with 4-7 inches of snow yesterday. And in Denver they’re going, aw, we can probably beat that. ‪#‎snowinJune‬?

A self-proclaimed mother of 12 has posted a video of herself walking through Target with a bible saying that the chain doesn’t protect mothers and children etc….. So I missed the videos where she was protesting the Duggars. And the Catholic church.

The IOC has opened disciplinary proceedings against 31 athletes from 12 countries just found to have been doping when their samples were retested from the 2008 Beijing games. The IOC President’s said it sends a “powerful message to the cheats.” Right. Always use the most cutting edge drugs

 

So some are outraged because OKC’s Steven Adams, who is from New Zealand, referred to Curry and Thompson as “quick little monkeys.” He also quickly apologized. But does anyone think Adams would deliberately say that as a slur, playing on a team that is mostly African American? (And Klay is actually biracial.) ‪#‎PCoverload‬

Donald Trump said he’d be willing to speak to Kim Jong Un. At the same time he’s insulting UK Prime Minister David Cameron. If this were a proposed movie script it would be rejected as too far fetched

 

Donald Trump also said his income last year was exceeded $557 million. And heck, aren’t all Americans on the honor system about their income with the IRS?

#‎TrumpKelly‬ interview tonight on Fox. Proving again that whatever divides us as Americans, people can be brought together by love of $$$$.

After game 1 of the Eastern Conference finals Canada is going, well we still have Justin Trudeau and your potential leaders are….  ‪#‎TORvsCLE‬

MLB bans ‪#‎Odor‬ 8 games, ‪#‎Bautista‬ for 1. So if you want to take someone out in baseball, use your legs not your hands.

 

Ben Simmons apparently is hoping to be drafted by the Lakers so that he can get a bigger shoe deal. Sounds like a perfect fit for Los Angeles with that team-oriented basketball they practiced so well at the end of Kobe’s career.

And never say never.  Even so guessing that Ben Simmons is NEVER going to be a Spur.

 

And the Thunder rolled…

May 17, 2016

 

Golden State Warriors not happy about a non-traveling call on ‪#‎Westbrook‬. And refs are thinking “Calling traveling on a superstar? How quaint.”

And the Spurs went from thinking at halftime  with the Golden State-Oklahoma City game-  “How did we ever lose to this team? to  “Maybe it’s not just that we’re old.”

Beginning to think it’s just possible that Billy Donovan is a very good coach.

 

#‎SFGiants‬ are on the road but ‪#‎Westbrook‬‘s postgame outfit would fit right in at ‪#‎ATTPark‬. Trying to challenge ‪#‎OrangeandBlack‬ attack?

Tim Lincecum reportedly signing with Angels. So maybe at this point in his career ‪#‎Timmy‬ doesn’t want to deal with any more playoff pressure?

Biggest disappointment for MLB after yesterday’s brawl – unless Toronto gets hot and makes the playoffs, the Blue Jays and Rangers won’t play again in 2016. ‪#‎ratings‬

 

This weekend’s series between the SF Giants and Chicago Cubs opens up with Jake Peavy vs. Jake Arrieta. Well, after Peavy’s good start in Arizona, there’s only a little more than 6 runs difference in their ERA. (7.43 to 1.29)
Hope the Giants have a good stock of beer at AT&T Park.

Meanwhile, at the Atlanta Falcons’ new stadium, the team will offer some of the lowest concession prices in sports, with a hot dog being only $2 and a beer being $5. Maybe the SF 49ers should consider a similar idea, especially on the beer. Seems like fans are going to need it.

EasyJet is bankrolling newly invented “Sneakairs”, which are shoes that connect to a smartphone via Bluetooth and vibrate to tell the wearer which way to turn. The airline hopes to sell them on board.
Just what we need, instead of looking at their phones, tourists will run into things because they are fascinated by their shoes.

John Kasich said he is “not inclined” to serve as Donald Trump’s running mate. Hmm, what’s next, the Ohio governor saying he’s “1,000 percent against it?”

Trump calls Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas.” Maybe a  bit of a “glass houses” insult coming from someone who wears a beaver pelt on his head?

The NY Times reports that Donald Trump plans to bring up Bill Clinton’s infidelities in the campaign. Because a real man would have married at least one of the younger women he had affairs with?

Ralph Nader is now complaining that Hillary Clinton is going to win the Democratic primary “by dictatorship’ Because Nader hasn’t done enough for moderates and liberals this century already? ‪#‎unsafeatanyspeed‬

Rangers’ 2B Rougned Odor says he doesn’t regret punching Jose Bautista, but expects a suspension. And who knows, maybe an offer from more than one NFL team.

Mark Sanchez just underwent surgery on his left thumb and will miss the the start of offseason training activities. Apparently a weight room injury. Butt, how did he fumble into this one?

 

RIP Dick McAuliffe. Damn. For the uninitiated, especially my SF Giants fan friends,  consider him the Joe Panik or Robby Thompson of the 1968 World Champion Detroit Tigers. ‪#‎youneverforgetyourfirstlove‬.

In this corner, or rather base….

May 16, 2016

Today’s Rangers Blue Jays brawl started by Rougned Odor and Jose Bautista lasted long enough it should have been on pay-per-view .

Next Toronto-Texas game may instead of a line-up card feature an under-card?

But seriously, how long since a Blue Jays-Rangers game was the leading baseball story on Sportscenter?

 

Rougned Odor is likely to be suspended for his punch today. Wonder the suspension would preclude Odor from taking suspended heavyweight challenger Alexander Povetkin’s place in that WBC bout?

First Justin Trudeau, then they get one of the four remaining teams in the NBA playoffs. Now Canada’s just piling on.

Now that the ‪#‎Raptors‬ have finally made a conference final does that mean there’s hope for the ‪#‎MapleLeafs‬? ‪#‎Toronto‬ ‪#‎letsnotgetcarriedaway‬

 

Meanwhile, the SF Giants swept the Diamondbacks, 2-1.  But considering it took instant replay to keep Casilla from blowing save #4 maybe Santiago might be done for a while from complaining about Bochy’s lack of faith in him.

The Giants actually only scored one of their runs when Matt Cain was pitching, continuing a streak over years where Cain receives some of the least run support in the majors.  Maybe next time Cain pitches, ‪#‎SFGiants‬ should start a reliever just for the 1st batter in 1st inning,  just to fool the hitters into not going into ice cold mode.

 

Heard announcer refer to ‪#‎NYKnicks‬ coaching job as “one of most coveted in sports. Well, many do want to grow up to be circus ringmasters

A newly discovered sinkhole in Florida may show that humans lived there 1,500 years earlier than expected. Amongst the finds inside was reputedly a tattered Tim Duncan jersey.

President Obama told the Rutgers Class of 2016 today, “let me be as clear as I can be: In politics and in life, ignorance is not a virtue,” Waiting for the GOP rebuttal.

Donald Trump now called Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas” in an interview. Pass the popcorn, this should be fun.

 

So I actually saw a serious anti-Clinton tweet saying that Hillary takes selfies and Bernie doesn’t. The rest of the world must think we have gone absolutely mad.

A new kind of danger zone?

May 14, 2016

The movie “Top Gun” turns 30 his week. Now when its stars are asked if they still have a “Need for Speed,” the response is likely to be “Depends.”

A woman in labor was stranded in a four hour traffic jam on the Tappan Zee bridge and finally, with police help, ended up getting through but still having her baby in the hospital parking lot. Did they name the little girl “Christie?”

 

Words of wisdom from Russell Wilson to University of Wisconsin graduates: ” I’m also here to share some things I’ve learned,” Wilson. “Things like, if you’re dating a woman that’s way out of your league, ask her to marry you. If you can throw a football 80 yards, for some reason, people think that’s pretty cool. And if you’re playing the Patriots in the Super Bowl, and you’ve got 26 seconds left and you’re down by four, and it’s second and goal on their 1-yard line, try not to throw an interception. That’s purely, purely hypothetical though, of course.”

Apparently more than 1.2 million people have signed a pledge to boycott Target over their announcement to let transgender customers use whichever bathrooms they want.
Hmm, time to start a petition to see how many millions of Americans are now MORE likely to shop at Target? ‪#‎canwefocusonrealissuesforachange‬?

A study in Italy found that Botox facial treatments may affect the brain and people’s ability to process other people’s emotions. Or it may simply be that the more people focus on freezing their faces in time, the less energy they have for caring about other people’s emotions.

The NBA draft lottery is next week, But the draft itself might be only 4 days after the Championship is over. The NFL is trying to figure out how they can do that. ‪#‎yearroundleague‬

Ivanka Trump said about her father has “created dialogue around issues. It’s a powerful thing.” Yeah, how often before in American politics have we had discussion about hand size, and as Trevor Noah says, a candidate wanting to “bang his own daughter.”

 

George Zimmerman has apparently reposted the auction for his sale of the gun with which he shot Trayvon Martin “The previous auction and bids were purged due to illegitimate bidding. Yes, this auction is real.”
The minimum bid is $100,000, instant purchase price $500,000. Too much to hope that you CAN go broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public?

 

 

 

A father and son pair of tourists at Yellowstone National Park reportedly put a bison calf in their SUV in order “to save it from the cold.” The two humans received tickets, and the calf was released. And presumably “Mama Bison” being elsewhere at the time of the pickup kept the pair from a much deserved Darwin award..


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