Archive for the ‘baseball jokes’ category

No mound exit.

October 6, 2016

You do have to wonder how many shut out innings Madison Bumgarner was planning on pitching last night #SFGiants

Although, as the legend grows, Bumgarner reportedly to Gillaspie after 3-run home run top of 9th ” Conor, I appreciate the hell out of that.” #SFGiants


Nice tweet today   “Baseball has a way of ripping your ❤️ out, stabbing it, putting it back in your chest, then healing itself just in time for Spring Training.”

The tweeter?   Noah Syndergaard.

So are the ALDS teams even playing the same sport as the #Mets & #SFGiants played last night? #TORvsTEX #BOSvsCLE #notexactlypitchersduels

President Obama’s approval rating is up to 55%, the highest in his second term. No doubt because the longer this election season goes on, the more many Americans have decided they don’t want him to leave.


Waiting for #Trump to say if he were President he’d have a beautiful wall to protect USA from #HurricaneMatthew & Mexico would pay for it.


Florida Governor Rick Scott, reiterating an evacuation call for the state: ‘Do not surf. Do not go on the beach. This will kill you.”
He could also add “Beachgoers and surfers will automatically qualify for a Darwin award.”

Apparently a number of people are planning to stay put and try to ride #HurricaneMatthew out. On the brighter side for humanity, not only are they probable Darwin winners, these folks probably won’t be around to vote. #cantfixstupid

Although it’s from October 30, 2012, this tweet is real, from Donald Trump “Hurricane is good luck for Obama again- he will buy the election by handing out billions of dollars.”

Rush Limbaugh said this week of Hurricane Matthew predictions that the National Weather service, which is “part of the Obama administration.. might be playing games because it’s in the interests of the left to have destructive hurricanes because then they can blame it on climate change, which they can continue desperately continue trying to sell.”

Who says he doesn’t care about average Americans? Donald Trump at a rally today:. “I don’t care how sick you are. I don’t care if you just came back from the doctor and he gave you the worst possible prognosis, meaning it’s over, you won’t be around in two weeks. Doesn’t matter. Hang out till November 8th. Get out and vote.”

Ok, for those who didn’t think #HurricaneMatthew was serious. The #SEC has actually cancelled the LSU Florida football game.


During a parliamentary debate in Noraway, Prime Minister Erna Solberg was reportedly seen on camera using her phone to play Pokemon Go. Well, it’s at least as productive as trying to repeal Obamacare for the 57th time.

One and done.

October 4, 2016

Whatever happens in NL Wild Card game, unlike Buck Showalter, Bruce Bochy won’t face questions about not using his superstar reliever; SF Giants don’t have one

In WS game 7, #Bochy used his best starter to relieve for 5 innings, in do-or-die WC game #Showalter didn’t use best reliever for 1.

Somewhere #JoeCarter is smiling #ALWildCard #BlueJays

Open note to @orioles fans. Watching a reliever in orange & black give up game-winning homer, we #SFGiants fans feel your pain. #ALWildcard

Fans in Canada watching tonight’s AL Wild Card game had to be almost as happy as Canadians enjoying watching the U.S. Election. #notourproblem

Kaine-Pence VP debate tonight “I’ll take two men who most Americans had never heard of and wouldn’t recognize on the street for $500, Alex.”

Well, the VP candidates did accomplish one thing jointly -finishing up in time for us to see the end of #ALWildCard #VPDebate

“A knockout blow in VP debate can make a major difference in the Presidential election” Former Vice President Lloyd Bentsen. #VPdebate

One sure thing about tonight’s debate, if #MIkePence & #TimKaine were their party’s nominees, many comedy writers would be out of business.

Who but me was waiting for #ElaineQuijano to go all Sister Mary Elephant in this debate? “Class. Class Class….” #VPDebate

Has anyone checked Mike Pence’s hearing lately? He clearly hasn’t heard a word his running mate has said. #VPDebate

Trump supporters are furious that Julian Assange didn’t release information today to damage Hillary Clinton’s campaign. So they were hoping that for a few days Wikileaks could offset Trump’s 3:00am tweets?

Mike Pence sounded tonight like he’s been  paying as much attention to what Trump says you’d think Pence might be married to him.

Pence just said of 16 million deportation plan, “that’s nonsense.” Yep, it is, & it was when your running mate @realDonaldTrump said it.

Mike Pence “A society can be judged by how it deals with its most vulnerable.” Unless they are undocumented immigrants, women with unwanted pregnancies  or LGBTs.

Pence talked about the sanctity of life. So if you’re absolutely pro-life how are you also pro-death penalty? #VPDebate

“He’s not a polished politician” Is that #MikePence‘s Trump “Get out of jail free” card? #VPDebate

Odell Beckham Jr , complaining about being targeted by the league, “I just gotta know that it’s all against me.” Of course it might help if the Giants’ WR didn’t spend so much time and effort painting the bulls eye on his own back.

While campaigning for Hillary, Bill Clinton referred to Obamacare as the “the craziest thing in the world.” So for all those comedy writers fearing that the end of the Trump campaign in November could mean a dearth of material, remember, Bill could be the gift that keeps on giving.

So Americans who have quit following the election because it was all too over the top and absurd can now focus on more important things, like what Kim Kardashian was doing in Paris with $10 million in jewelry and minimal security.

So since Kanye West is a self-proclaimed “genius” I presume he and Kim will be writing at least $10 million in losses off their future taxes?

And back to sports with Bill Littlejohn, on Peyton Manning tobogganing down The Great Wall of China: “Are they opening a new Papa John’s in Inner Mongolia?”

Moving out

October 3, 2016

The Atlanta Braves played their last game at Turner Field yesterday. Next year they will have a beautiful new stadium in the suburbs for fans not to show up to.

The home-plate umpire for Wednesdays Giants-Mets wild-card game is Mike Winters. SF fans might remember Winters as the ump who ejected Bruce Bochy in consecutive games last season.
East Coast bias conspiracy theories in 3….2…1…..

SF 49ers announced today that LB NaVorro Bowman injured his Achilles and will be out for the season. Is it too soon to be thinking about that #1 draft pick?


So @Vikings who’ve lost #TeddyBridgewater & #AdrianPeterson are 4-0. A few more injuries & they could be Super Bowl contenders? #NYGvsMIN

#VinScully may have been a #Dodgers announcer but he knows his #SFGiants. Yesterday Vin said of @hunterpence “He would make coffee nervous.”

#JohnnyManziel has filed to extend the trademark on “Johnny Football.” Can you trademark an oxymoron?

Trump’s campaign so far is turning us all into a nation with temporary ADD…. No sooner do we start focusing on one unbelievable statement than he says something else and we forget how ludicrous the last one was.

So we can argue over whether or not either Trump or Clinton truly believe they have the U.S.’s best interests at heart. But pretty damn sure Julian Assange doesn’t.

#NobelPrize winners will be announced this week. Wonder which one Donald Trump expects to get?

A Bloomberg poll shows Trump trailing but +13 with whites. If true this election is not doing much for the theory of white supremacy.

Donald Trump, speaking to veterans today “When people come back from war and combat, and they see things that maybe a lot of the folks in this room have seen many times over, and you’re strong and you can handle it, but a lot of people can’t handle it.”
So strong people don’t get PTSD the same as only losers get captured? WTF?

Maybe @realDonaldTrump didn’t mean to imply that strong vets don’t get PTSD, but how do you know? ” This is the guy who said about John McCain  “I like people that weren’t captured”


Everyone should have the genius to lose a billion dollars in a year so they can avoid taxes for the next decades. #TrumpFinancialTips.

The more things change…

October 1, 2016

Seems like old times – #RyanVogelsong starting tomorrow against #Cardinals tomorrow and a win puts the #SFGiants in playoffs..


As expected, #TyBlach vs #ClaytonKershaw was no contest, really. #SFGiants #Dodgers

One thing you can say about #TyBlach, he’s no #SalomonTorres. #SFGiants


Heaven knows the SF Giants have had some horrible losses this year. But when the playoffs are on the line & you lose to the Braves and the As, well, then maybe you really shouldn’t be in the postseason. #Tigers #Mariners

By my count, #SFGiants pitchers have 48 hits & 33 RBI’s this year. #WedontneednostinkinDH #PitchersWhoRake


Alabama coach Nick Saban says of star LB Tim Williams, arrested this week on gun charges, that he will face “internal” discipline, which will not involve a loss of playing time. So what will Williams have to do – go to a class? #suspensionsareforbenchplayers

Tomorrow morning’s game – try to tell the difference between whatever lines are uttered by Alec Baldwin tonight on SNL pretending to be Trump. and lines from the real Donald.

Trump tweeted last night “For those few people knocking me for tweeting at three o’clock in the morning, at least you know I will be there, awake, to answer the call!”
True, but maybe we don’t want the call answered by someone in the midst of the Twitter equivalent of drunk-dialing?.

Flipping through Glamour magazine at the nail salon I saw some interviews with women saying who they were voting for and why. About 2/3 were for Clinton, but one Trump gal starts out her statement “When I was little I was for Hillary….” She is 18 years old.

The Seahawks’ Doug Baldwin, a Stanford graduate whose father is a police officer, says he has received death threats because he called for law enforcement “to eliminate militaristic cultures while putting a higher emphasis on de-escalation tactics and crisis management measures.”
Got to wonder if some of the threats are from people who couldn’t even translate what he said.


Friday’s top quote: I’m “not sure anybody is more qualified than Hillary Clinton to be president of the United States.” The speaker, Bill Weld – former governor of Massachusetts and Gary Johnson’s running mate.

So by comparison was Leona Helmsley one of the “little people” who paid taxes?

#LastTimeTrumpPaidTaxes #HillaryClinton was just signing up for a newfangled AOL email account.

Jacob Hall, the 6 year-old boy shot at his South Carolina elementary school this week has died. His alleged 14-year old killer had been home-schooled since he was been expelled for bringing a gun to class. So are we going to build walls around schools or make sure all children are armed?


From Marc Ragovin.  “no bigger joke than the way mlb handled the end of thursday’s Cards/Reds game.”

(for anyone who didn’t watch or didn’t read about it later, the umpires somehow missed the fact that a ball bounced out of play over the fence and then bounced back, which was a ground rule double, and not a ball that would have let the Cardinals runner score from first.)


From Neal , post Friday night.  “Tonight’s #SFGiants game & his body slam of a fan running on the field, free agent #AngelPagan may be offered a contract by the #SF49ers?








Don’t wait until next year.

September 29, 2016

In New York tonight before the game with the Red Sox the Yankees announced that they “would like to put the rivalry aside for a few minutes and honor David Ortiz.”   A nice gesture, even if what they are really honoring is Big Papi’s decision to retire.

Forget Tim Tebow, the guy who may have a real future in baseball is John Kilichowski. a minor league pitcher from Vanderbilt who gave up Tebow’s first AB home run – this was his tweet: “I thought we agreed you were taking first pitch @TimTebow”

Knott’s Berry Farm and California’s Great America pulled the plug on their new FearVR experience. The attraction had people wear virtual reality googles that made them feel like they were in a mental hospital along with a dangerous fellow patient.
The real question – who thought this was a good idea???

Alabama senior LB Tim Williams, a top draft prospect who has started every game, was arrested this morning for allegedly carrying a pistol without a permit. What a shame this didn’t happen last week, so Nick Saban could have suspended Williams for the first half of the Kent State game.

USA Today has never endorsed a candidate for President in their history. Today they wrote an editorial “Don’t vote for Trump.”  So let’s see, the Donald will be revoking their press credentials for his events in 3.2.1….



So is #GaryJohnson trying to prove he’s the reincarnation of Admiral Stockdale running for President?

At the University of Missouri, the Delta Upsilon frat has been suspended after individuals inside their house were allegedly shouting out the windows at members of the Legion of Black Collegians” with taunts, obscenities and racial slurs.
Once again, in the U.S. people are free to think bigoted thoughts, but how could they be so clueless these days to think publicizing it was a good idea. #educationmightfixsomeprejudices but #cantfixstupid


Clearly election is over w/ news that Bill & Hillary after they left the White House spent money to set up illegal business in #Cuba. Oh wait, never mind.

Sad story from New Jersey with the train crash. Officials say “after an initial evaluation of the scene, it appears that the event may have been accidental and not related to terrorism.”
Reminding us again, that as much as we fear terrorists sometimes, our real risks are more often mundane things like infrastructure failure and human error.

Hillary Clinton tweeted out a sympathy message to those affected by the New Jersey train crash this morning, Donald Trump followed about an hour later. Was that how long it took for him to decide it wasn’t terrorism

Last night in Iowa, Donald Trump “Raise your hand if you’re not a Christian conservative. I want to see this, right? Oh there’s a a couple people, that’s all right. I think we’ll keep them, right? Should we keep them in the room, yes? I think so.”
New hashtag #ifyouarenotscaredyouarenotpayingattention

Rumors are that #DonaldTrump might ask #ChrisChristie to help him before the 2nd debate. So are there bridges to be closed in St. Louis?


Trump campaign manager KellyAnne Conway complained to Megyn Kelly that Hillary Clinton was targeting Trump with negative ads and using comments he made about women ‘25 years ago’.
But of course it’s perfectly acceptable for Trump to talk about Bill Clinton’s behavior with women 25-35 years ago.


Alex Kaseberg, after New Englands QB Tom Brady was spotted sunbathing nude in Italy with Giselle while serving his Deflategate suspension: “In a related story, players all over the league began deflating footballs.”



From T.C.  “The Donald says that he won the debate on Monday night. That coincides with the Falcons and Saints claiming that “Defense” was the difference on their football game.”

A plague on both your houses?

September 28, 2016

Colin Kaepernick after Monday’s Presidential debate said “Both are proven liars and it almost seems like they’re trying to debate who’s less racist.”
Well, suppose it’s a good thing there’s no chance the SF 49ers will be making a White House visit any time soon.


Could someone inform the #SFGiants that if you score 12 runs in 2 games it’s not a bad idea to split them up?

Matt Duffy apparently stopped by the #SFGiants clubhouse today. Could he lend the team #Skeeter?

Interesting point on bullpens in the postseason made by Tom Verducci in today – the percentage games won by relief pitchers in the regular season and then in post season: 1965-68 – 26.8% and 8%. 1995-98 – 30.0% and 35.4%. 2012-2015 – 30.4% and 41.3%.
Of course Madbum in 2014 was both a starter AND a reliever. #SFGiants

Arguing that being banned from baseball didn’t mean its Hall of Fame, Pete Rose apparently has made a direct appeal to the Hall to restore his eligibility. Wonder what his odds are?

A fan who proposed to his girlfriend at Yankee Stadium during a Red Sox Yankees game had to hunt in the seats for the ring which he dropped as he dropped to a knee. Fortunately the ring was found and she said yes. Did the happy couple get an autographed ball from Starlin Castro?

(for those going, huh?, Castro is not known for his defense.)

If @realDonaldTrump bails on the next two debates will @HillaryClinton try to borrow Clint Eastwood’s chair?

Some say that @realDonaldTrump will learn from his mistakes in 1st debate. That assumes that Trump actually ever thinks he makes mistakes.

Now Donald Trump, Jr. is praising his father’s “courage” for not mentioning Bill Clinton’s cheating on Monday night “out of respect for Chelsea.”
Right, so anyone want to start a pool on how many times the thrice-married Trump and his family will congratulate themselves for not mentioning infidelity?


Gary Johnson was asked today to name his favorite foreign leader, and he couldn’t do it, finally admitting “I’m having a brain freeze.” So what’s Johnson’s plan after the election, running for Governor of Texas?

It’s too easy as a U.S.woman to criticize Gary Johnson for not being able to name his favorite foreign leader  Justin Trudeau.  Next question?

So with Arizona Republic, the Dallas Morning News and the CIncinnati Enquirer breaking with long tradition and joining more liberal papers to endorse a Democrat for President, wonder if Trump’s plan if elected will be to eliminate all press credentials.

Tea and lemonade and sympathy.

September 25, 2016

Bummer. RIP #ArnoldPalmer, 87. For younger generation who think golf started with Tiger Woods, Arnold was much more than name of a drink.

And then to put baseball in perspective, this just sucks, RIP  Jose Fernandez, 24.

Today’s “how low can you go” Twitter award, Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz “for all who will kneel during the anthem today — just remember how Jose Fernandez risked his life just for the chance to stand for it.”


You’d think at least once in MLB season that a team could win after trailing entering 9th. So far with 2016 #SFGiants you would think wrong.


Whatever happens to the #SFGiants this year, at least they are staying in the playoff picture longer than the #Yankees. #smallmercies

Les Miles has been fired by LSU. What a shame for all those 12 year olds who were expecting a scholarship offer this year.

Starting to look like the #49ers will soon start hoping for more post game questions about Colin Kaepernick’s kneeling and less about their play on the field.

Jim Harbaugh, on some of his Michigan players raising fists during the National Anthem: “I’ve been thinking a lot about this over the last four, five, six weeks ..Because I am the football coach doesn’t mean I can dictate to people what they believe. I support our guys.”
Good for Harbaugh, although have to wonder if he thought but didn’t say “As long as they keep winning…”


North Carolina has a new law taking effect next weekend which says police bodycam videos will no longer be public record. Individual law enforcement agencies will have the power to release or not release footage. So the state is terrified of transgenders in bathrooms but not about civilians being unjustly shot?

Ken Starr yesterday said a “grave injustice was done to Art Briles” the former Baylor football coach, by the media over Briles’ handling of sexual assault allegations against some of his team..
Right, heaven forbid a university fire a coach when women get raped by his players. It’s not like he had consensual sex with an intern….

Leaving aside the fact that many great leaders have had incredIbly messy personal lives, it’s amazing to watch so many people declare that whatever reasons Hillary has had for staying in her marriage must be much worse than those Trump has had for leaving two of his.


Now the Trump campaign, says they are really not inviting Gennifer Flowers to Monday’s debate, despite the Donald’s tweet saying he was considering it. Translation, somebody reminded Trump that women vote?

Now that Trump isn’t bringing Gennifer Flowers to the debate, there’s an empty chair? So let’s see, Ann Coulter, Ted Nugent, Scott Baio are available. Or maybe the Donald can go Clint Eastwood for the night?

Hillary Clinton is 5’4″, Donald Trump is 6’3″, but apparently Hillary will have a slightly raised podium Monday night to make the height difference appear less. No doubt another excuse for the Donald to claim the debate is rigged.


#Trump campaign manager KellyAnne Conway says that the Donald is “the Babe Ruth of debating.” WTF? The Sultan of Naught?