Archive for the ‘baseball jokes’ category

Out of here.

April 30, 2017

So in the end for basketball fans in Los Angeles what was the difference between the Lakers and the Clippers?

About two weeks.

(And the Lakers probably have a lottery pick.)

A friend pointed out the Nationals have scored 77 runs this week. The Giants have scored 86 runs this year.

And the Nationals haven’t yet faced the Giants bullpen.

Thought Anthony Rendon got more RBI’s today SFGiants had in series against Padres.

Different names, same bullpen. #SFGiants

Think @SFGiants at this point can sign Crash Davis to get them a rainout tomorrow?  #bulldurham

The Braves’ Freddie Freeman, tired of playing at Miller Park, referred to it as a “Little League field.” Guessing Freeman is never signing a free-agent deal with the Rockies.

Meanwhile the Mets are making New York fans look forward to Jets training camp.


Clippers disappointed their fans today, but saved them from humiliation against Warriors.

But wasn’t this Game 7 between Clippers and Jazz sort of like final Christians matchup before facing the Lions?

#Bills fire their GM two days AFTER 2017 NFL draft. #WTF? Another example why Buffalo franchise has been so successful over the years.

I suppose i get it -$400,000 speeches by Obama make some people on both sides  uncomfortable. But how come we didn’t see this level of  complaints w/ ex-white presidents.  And vice-presidents.  And New York mayors? Etc.

Trump on Kim Jong-Un “People are saying, ‘Is he sane?’ I have no idea,” Ironically, that’s a question rest of world is asking the US.

Trump tweets “Democrats, without a leader, have become the party of obstruction.” Justice Merrick Garland would disagree.

Trump on Trumpcare 2.0  “Pre-existing conditions are in the bill. I mandate it. Has to be.”  Right,  no mention of potential costs of such policies.   Spoken like a man who only got a little $1 million loan from dad.

Reince Preibus -“Changing libel laws “is something that we’ve looked at.” Would it help 1st amendment if media used 2nd? #ifonlytheywerearmed

Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte, who once called Obama “a son of a whore,” and who said “Hitler massacred three million Jews… there’s three million drug addicts. I’d be happy to slaughter them,” has been invited by Trump for a White House meeting. #heseemsnice

8 shot, some critically, at apartment pool in La Jolla. Shooter reportedly “a white man in brown shorts.” Move along, nothing to see here.

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Is that a squirrel on the field?

April 18, 2017

If you are a fan of sports and politics,  Tuesday night was a time for serious temporary ADHD.  NBA playoffs, NHL playoffs, baseball and the Georgia special election.

For the SF Giants returning to Kansas City for the first time since 2014 playoffs,  the question of the night as the game moved at 1-1 towards extra innings – could they pinch hit Madbum?

MLB umpires apparently will soon be miked to explain replays. So much for the 30 seconds baseball saved with not having to throw four balls for an intentional walk.

Carmelo Anthony, who is divorcing his wife La La, reportedly got a gentlemen’s club dancer pregnant while he was married. A shame, but in New York Melo never really seems to have scored to help the team.

 

Now  what is happening in #NBAPlayoffs2017? #Celtics trying to wrest title from #Cavs as league’s most overrated team?

Adidas apologized for sending an email to customers “Congrats, you survived the Boston Marathon!” Did they hire PR team from Pepsi?

 

AP: On day Ivanka dined w/ Pres. of China. her company won approval from Chinese govt for 3 new trademarks. Am sure it’s just coincidence.

Apparently Fox is going to dump Bill O’Reilly.  Over-under on when O’Reilly accepts a position in the Trump administration?

Donald Trump signed EO today telling federal agencies to implement the “Buy American, Hire American” policies.
So when will he and Ivanka start doing this at say, Mar-A-Lago and her clothing company.

CNN reports that the  White House and Pentagon miscommunicated on an aircraft carrier’s location,  as the White House said it was heading towards North Korea, when the Carl Vinson was really heading toward the Indian Ocean.

I think I like not being able to find a battleship better when it’s a children’s game.

 

Even in the South, the times, and tastes, they are a changin…. While reading about the Georgia special election in the local Atlanta Journal Constitution, saw an item that a local grilled cheese restaurant is closing, to be replaced by a Poké Bar. And it doesn’t even sell fried poké.

 

 

Marc Ragovin  “hears that United Airlines’ engineers are designing a plane that will reduce drag.”

Serious note, Facebook killer shot himself. Shame he did murder-suicide in reverse order. But don’t post his name. Post the victim’s  Robert Godwin..

 

Cue the Gershwin

April 10, 2017

New United Airlines theme song –   “Rhapsody in Black and blue.”

FCC dropped a proposal that would have allowed passengers to use cellphones in flight. Who says there’s no bipartisan agreement in the US?

Wintry weather tonight in Chicago. Blame whoever said hell would freeze over before they raised a championship banner at Wrigley. @Cubs

Seriously considering long light-less history of #WrigleyField you’d think Cubs might honor history with a day home opener #followthemoney

Over 100 year drought for a #Cubs World Series win. Thanks to TV scheduling and rain many kids will be in bed before that flag is raised.

SF Giants Jarrett Parker has a batting average. You know it’s been bad when .071 (bingo) is an improvement. #SFGiants

LB Junior Galette was arrested after a fight during a Spring Break festival in Biloxi, MS. He was charged with disorderly conduct and failure to comply.
Normally the Redskins wait until they get on the field to be this embarrassing.

 

Not that I really wish him any harm. But I sure don’t mind seeing Sergio Romo lose a game in a Dodgers uniform for a change.

4 shot, 2 fatally in #SanBernandino school shooting. Not “terrorism” just average US domestic gun incident. Move along nothing to see here.

An 8 yr-old boy shot this morning in a San Bernandino classroom has died. Clearly this would not happen if our children were armed.

The biggest problem with all these murder-suicides is that these asshole killers always do it in the wrong order. #SanBernardino

Alabama Gov. Robert Bentley resigned today after he was arrested on campaign finance charges. Moral of story, if you’re going to be a family values Republican, have affairs on your own dime. #DavidVitter

Sean Spicer, “if you gas a baby, expect a response.” So other ways of killing babies are acceptable?

The @NYTImes & @ProPublica both won a #PulitzerPrize. Standby for Pulitzers overrated tweets in 3.2.1….

Bubba Watson apologized after missing the cut at the Masters and telling a reporter “Golf is tough; I don’t know if you’ve ever played it. But writing articles is easy.”
Nobody tell Trump, in his spare time he’ll start a magazine.

Donald Trump Jr. has announced he will not run for NY governor in 2018. And he could have gotten at least 20% of the vote.

Right about now it might be almost as easy to defend the Trump White House on MSNBC as to do PR for United.

Did someone tell United the man was wearing leggings?

So after weekend’s incident will United change policy on removing people from overbooked flights? Smaller people first. Easier to carry.

New potential advertisement for the United credit card? Priority boarding, a free checked bag & we won’t drag you off the plane?

 

From “careerbliss.com” – O’Hare International Airport Security Officers earn $25,000 annually, or $12 per hour, which is 4% lower than the national average for all Security Officers at $26,000 annually and 84% lower than the national salary average for all working Americans.
An Airport Security Officer was apparently responsible for dragging that passenger off United’s flight. #yougetwhatyoupayfor

Seriously, and I wasn’t there, but if United was giving $800 plus a hotel and meals to get off the plane, you’d think they’d have upped the ante and tossed in a rental car..
It’s a 5 hour drive for heavens sake, even with a bathroom break.

I see a great Lyft or Uber commercial…. for $800 guessing you could get driven to Louisville.

One more practical thought  -okay, any halfway decent travel agent knows something about Louisville. Especially if you’ve ever booked anyone to a certain Derby in Kentucky. It’s 90 minutes from Lexington and 2 hours from Cincinnati. (United flies to both from Chicago) So a relatively easy drive if you fly crew or passengers there. #MakeAmericaGeographicallyCompetentAgain.

On the other hand, perhaps we should thank United. For a brief not-to-shining moment they have “united” Americans in outrage.

It’s not easy being green

April 9, 2017

 

Sergio Garcia,, who’s been playing golf professionally for almost 20 years, finally won his first major tournament.

“Amateur” said Cubs fans.

Uh oh, #Cubs win World Series, #Trump wins election & now #MapleLeafs make NHL playoffs. Maybe we really do need to prepare for apocalypse

Uh oh, a Spaniard wins the Masters, and Englishman Justin Rose was second. Time for Trump to impose visa limits on foreign golfers?  Make American Golfers Great Again?

So how long until Trump tweets that #TheMasters is all well and good but Augusta really can’t hold a candle to Trump courses?

So how long until Tiger Woods returns to the Masters as a commentator?

Mariners proved proved today that whatever SF Giants problems are this year, bullpen meltdowns are relative. (9-3 lead to Angels blown in 9th.)

A Palm Sunday miracle has occurred. SF Giants left fielder has a base hit.  (first of the season, only took 7 games)

Mike Krukow says “If you have a home run in the big leagues you can hit.” Some of us long-time baseball fans going, uh Mickey Lolich.  (He hit one home run, in the 1968 World Series. Not even sure he knows how.)

(And as my friend Daniel says, for you young folks, Bartolo Colon.)

 

Cavs blew a 26th-point 4th quarter lead to the Hawks.  So do Atlanta sports fans feel a little better?  #notexactly

Alas, anyone who works in a customer service field who saw last night’s #LouisCK hotel monologue on SNL knows he wasn’t exaggerating.

NFL players James Harrison, NaVorro Bowman & Marshawn Lynch may face league discipline for being scheduled to participate in the Pro Football Arm Wrestling Championship in Las Vegas this weekend.
Joe Lockhart, NFL executive VP for communications & public affairs – “Had we been asked in advance if this was acceptable, we would have indicated that it was in direct violation of the gambling policy,”
Well, heck, heaven forbid anyone ever associates pro football with gambling.

It would be nice to wake up some morning these day without bad news.” – The World. #Egypt

 

 

Apparently a Russian computer programmer, Pyotr Levashov, who has been suspected of being involved in U.S. election hacking attacks, has been arrested in Barcelona.
Wonder what the odds are of him dying of “natural causes” while in custody.

Giants chicks don’t dig these long balls.

April 6, 2017

 

Jeff Samardzija somehow only gave up 24 home runs in 2016. Given 32 starts now on pace for 96 in 2017. #SFGiants

In first 3 games,  SF Giants left fielders are 0-15 w/ nine Ks. Over-under on how many times Madbum has to offered to pinch hit?

Kentucky sophomore Isaiah Briscoe has announced he will leave school for the NBA draft. Shocking many college basketball fans – One of Calipari’s Kentucky teams had a sophomore?

 

So can the LA Kings honor Don Rickles by putting his picture on a giveaway hockey puck?

Can just imagine things tonight “You call this heaven? Those pearly gates are really looking tired.” #DonRickles

RIP #DonRickles. Wonder if realizing he couldn’t keep up with Trump on insults finally killed him.

The post Tiger Woods era. Headline “World’s #1 Player Drops out of Masters.” And millions of Americans go “Who?” #Masters

#RyanHoward has signed a minor-league contract with Braves in hopes of making it back to big leagues. Hmm, about that SF Giants left field problem. Just how retired is #25?

Just think how much fun he’ll be w/Lonzo in NBA. You can’t win no championship w/ 3 white guys..foot speed is too slow’ – LaVar Ball on UCLA

Two week vacation for @TheDailyShow. This is not good. When Jon Stewart left we got Trump. #Whatsnext?

Presale for “The Classic” concert Friday with the Eagles, Fleetwood Mac, Steely Dan, Journey, Earth, Wind & Fire and The Doobie Brothers runs from 10a to 10p. Wonder if there’s an early-bird special?

Trump-“The world is a mess. I inherited a mess!” Guess somebody didn’t read too far down in the President job description.

Russia’s Supreme Court has upheld banning Jehovah’s Witnesses as an extremist group. Who says there’s no USA-Russia common ground?

The US just launched 50 Tomahawk cruise missiles against Syria. So did Trump push all the buttons or did he let Jared do it?

Meanwhile, back at home, the night before “Equal Pay Day,” Trump signed an executive order canceling an Obama policy requiring federal contractors to give equal treatment to women. But Donald no doubt feels sure that when he creates more jobs for men, women won’t need to work?

Trump defends O’Reilly, but had Bill Clinton’s accusers at Presidential debate. Guess it’s only harassment if a Democrat does it.

 

A Secret Service agent was suspended for allegedly meeting a prostitute in a Maryland hotel. What is this world coming to? These men are supposed to protect the President and they can’t even figure out Tinder?

Wednesday was  National Burrito Day.    Waiting for Trump to tweet taking credit for all the cheap gas.

So now that a simple majority is enough for a win how do we do a retroactive Nuclear Option on the Electoral College

The GOP does realize the Nuclear Option could eventually go both ways, right?

Stay classy Ann Coulter, who tweeted today “Gen. Michael Hayden: N Korea will make nuke capable of hitting Seattle! Situation will be dire as soon as they can hit a city worth saving.”
Just guessing Ann might not want to venture into her local Starbucks any time soon.

More classy. The NY Times reports after the 2nd Presidential debate that Trump sent a personal email to Jeff Zucker, the President of CNN “Jeff — Too bad you (CNN) couldn’t be honest with how well I did in the debate. The dumbest thing I ever did was get you the job at CNN — you are the most disloyal person. Just remember, I always seem to find a way to get even. Best wishes, Donald J. Trump.”
Question of the day, who will Trump attack first for this “leak” – the NYTimes or CNN?

The end of the beginning.

March 30, 2017

Interesting how the pre-seasons for MLB and NBA are ending about the same time.

 –
So at what point do TV executives start worrying about a potental Warriors or Spurs vs Raptors Wizards or Celtics @NBA final?
Meanwhile,  CBS executives waking up in the middle of the night with visions of Oregon–South Carolina.
Albert L. Lord, a Penn State trustee reportedly wrote in an email that he is “running out of sympathy for 35 yr old, so-called victims (of Jerry Sandusky) with 7 digit net worth… Do not understand why they were so prominent in trial.”
Okay, what’s more unbelievable, that the guy actually thinks this, or that he’s stupid enough to put it in an email?
#NeverAskAWoman If she’s REALLY fine. If she says she’s “fine” you’re already toast.
So how long until Hawaii starts a tourism campaign advertising a “Trump-free” vacation? #Hawaiiboycott
McDonald’s says they will start making their Quarter-Pounders w/ fresh beef. So is this a change that the meat is fresh or that it’s beef?
Mike Pence is so pure he can’t be alone w/ any woman who isn’t his wife. But he has no problem being VP for a pussy-grabber.    Priorities.
Mike Pence won’t have dinner alone w/ a woman. Sir, I think I speak for millions of US women – “Your virtue is safe with us.” #notinterested
So the way Trump, Pence & rest of GOP are talking about women now, can only assume the witch trials commence by summer?
Trump’s now upset at some of his own party. “The Freedom Caucus will hurt the entire Republican agenda if they don’t get on the team, & fast. We must fight them, & Dems, in 2018!”
So would Trump like to put out a list of who he thinks IS on his team? Besides Ivanka and Jared.
As Trump says “We must fight” the Freedom Caucus and the Dems, paraphrased question of the day “Who’s we, orange man?
Trump attacks @NYtimes, wants to “change libel laws.” Amazing how someone so in love w/ 2nd amendment can so disregard the 1st.
Trump apparently threatened Mark Sanford with a Congressional primary challenger if he didn’t vote for Trumpcare. Never thought it could be done – but someone has put Mr. Appalachian Trail on the moral high road.

#MikeFlynn reportedly to testify ff granted immunity. Remember when these Russian espionage movies required scriptwriters? #passthepopcorn

Trump loves to talk about loyalty. But he basically fired #MikeFlynn. I’m sure Flynn didn’t take it personally. #passthepopcorn

Now that we’re officially in Spring, time to start a pool on which of his resorts Trump will dub the “Summer White House?  (assuming he makes it to Summer.)

Going, going, not quite gone.

March 28, 2017

The Raiders sent out an email today to Season Ticket Holders offering to let them put down a deposit on tickets in Las Vegas.

 

Isn’t this sort of like your significant other telling you he/she is leaving you for someone else as soon as they get their home built, but she’d love to have you come to the housewarming party.

 

A Nevada brothel owner today said he will open a Raiders-themed bordello in 2020. Meaning that unlike Oakland fans, new Las Vegas fans of the team can at least get value for money while being screwed.

Average high temperature in Las Vegas in September, 95%, down from a 103% in August. But hey, fire up those grills for tailgates. #Raiders

As Raiders prepare to pack up & move, a good time to remember that #SFGiants just paid off their PRIVATELY FUNDED stadium.

Lonzo Ball and Markelle Fultz are likely to be the top 2 chosen in the 2017 NBA draft. Today in an interview, Ball said he can “lead a team better, and that “Markelle’s a great player, but I feel I’m better than him.”
Sounds like the apple doesn’t swagger far from the tree.

The world’s largest dinosaur footprint just found in ‘Australia’s Jurassic Park’. Was it from a pickup game involving Tim Duncan?

 

Heard a commercial for FanDuel fantasy golf. Thinking if you seriously play fantasy golf for money you just might have a gambling problem.

 

White House says Trump turned down invite from #Nationals to throw out 1st pitch Opening Day. Bummer. Would have been Bigliest boos ever.

Has it occurred to anyone in Trump administration that Mexico builds tunnels a lot faster than we could build a wall?

Bill O’Reilly insulted Maxine Waters’ hair. Can someone get Bill drunk and ask him what he really thinks of Donald Trump’s hair?

.

Johnny Carson as Carnac would do answers first, then questions. An old favorite -“UCLA.” The question – “What happens when smog clears over Los Angeles?”
Doesn’t seem so funny when Trump signs an executive order getting rid of regulations for clean-air.

President signs  EO gutting fed regulations against climate change. If global warming floods FloridaL could it please start with a Trump golf course?.

#TrumpAFamousQuote “Loving myself means never having to say I’m sorry.”

Supreme Court ruled 9-0 w/ Paula Jones & Clinton that Pres could be sued. Trump now filing motion to overturn. #Fakecourt tweet in 3.2.1…

CNN reports Sean Spicer refused to say who signed Nunes onto the White House grounds late at night, “as would be required protocol.”
Standby for the Trump Executive Order outlawing “required protocol.”

The GAO (Government Accountability Office) is apparently going to look into security costs for Trump’s Mar-A-Lago trips and see if he, as promised, is paying the treasury for profits his hotels make from foreign government visits.
Standby for Trump signing an EO to defund the GAO in 3.2.1….

Quote of the day “There was a very serious effort made by Mr. Putin and his government, his organization, to interfere in major ways with our basic, fundamental democratic processes. In some quarters that would be considered an act of war.”
But who listens to crazy liberals like Dick Cheney?

 

Checkpoint Charlie museum honors those who died trying to scale the Berlin wall for a better life. Will Mexico build museum if Trump ever builds his wall?

 

 

Lonzo Ball and Markelle Fultz are likely to be the top 2 chosen in the 2017 NBA draft. Today in an interview, Ball said he can “lead a team better, and that “Markelle’s a great player, but I feel I’m better than him.”
Sounds like the apple doesn’t swagger far from the tree.