Archive for the ‘sports jokes’ category

On and on…

October 26, 2016

4 hours & 4 minutes for 5-1 Chicago win. Good thing Cubs have plenty of fans because these first two World Series games  would not convert many to MLB

Blowout baseball games are really only fun to watch if you’re a fan of the team doing the blowing-out. Another reason Fox might consider showing more regular season games to create national rather than regional interest….

 

Just one game and one win, but tonight did Lakers get a taste of what it might have been like to have Kobe Bryant retire sooner?

Yoenis Cespedes has opted out of his #Mets contract and plans to test free agent market. Because 4 teams in 6 years wasn’t enough?

Looking at all these bundled-up players in 40 degree temperatures during the World Series makes me nostalgic for Candlestick Park.

A police report on the crash that took the life of Marlins pitcher Jose Fernandez found “a strong odor of alcohol” and evidence that whoever was driving the boat was speeding and driving with “recklessness” that was “exacerbated by the consumption of alcohol.”
Sad, really sad. But “I am shocked, said nobody.”

American is going to be the next major U.S. airline to start selling “Basic” economy fares – no changes, standby, seat assignments, etc. So how low can they go – the option to fly as cargo?.

Newt Gingrich tweeted today “‘For the record Megyn Kelly is wrong, I don’t have anger management issues. I do have media bias issues!” Wonder if he was shouting while he wrote it.

 

Story out of Australia is that two beautiful young women who were contestants on the “The Bachelor” did indeed find love. With each other. Hmm, if this becomes a thing might increase U.S. men’s viewership.

All of this “repeal and replace” about Obamacare that the GOP is spouting. Of course what they don’t spout is that they want to replace it with nothing.

 

 

 

Trump says he’s going to spend over $100 million on his campaign before election day. Has someone told him he can’t take this loss off his taxes?

Trump today “I will never, ever take the African-American community for granted — unlike Hillary.”‘
Okay but while the Donald castigates Hillary for what she didn’t do in the Senate, why, with all his decades-old business empire can Trump not name a thing he has done as far as minority hiring and other outreach?

 

Donald Trump said last week that “I will reverse Obama’s executive orders & concessions towards Cuba.” Meaning besides travel that Cuban rum & cigars will become illegal again. Forget sexual assault, racism, healthcare etc, this might be the “trump” card for Hillary to woo white men.

From Alex Kaseberg  “A youth football team was kicked out of its league in Rhode Island when they snuck a grown man into their lineup. Man, Johnny Manziel cannot catch a break.”

Folks I suppose became suspicious when the team beat the Browns.

From Paul Lander.  Indeed, the gift that keeps on giving:   “Happy 69th Birthday, @HillaryClinton. Don’t forget to send the Republican Party a thank you for the gift of nominating Trump.”

 

Maybe 81-1?

October 25, 2016

So maybe Golden State Warriors don’t want pressure of an undefeated season? Or maybe Greg Popovich is a very very good coach

 

And maybe Spurs assistant coach Becky Hammon, who was head coach of the Spurs D-league in 2014 when Jonathan Simmons took MVP honors 2014,  is also a pretty good coach.

Big night in sports. #WorldSeries began for MLB. And the NBA started the 82-game second phase of their preseason.

World Series started tonight. Maybe if MLB actually showed some regular season games and put the playoffs on network television, millions of Americans might be able to name at least one Cleveland Indian.

#CarlosSantana starting at DH for @Indians. Casual fans thinking shouldn’t he play anthem instead & isn’t he kind of old. #WorldSeries

 

So for a while tonight it was looking like it was not just Bruce Bochy who might have pulled a star starter in playoffs too early.

But reliever Andrew Miller, with a 3 run lead, got the tying run to the plate in the 7th and 8th innings… and got out of it both times.  What a concept.  #SFGiants  #Sigh

The NY Giants have released kicker Josh Brown, saying that “Our beliefs, our judgments and our decisions were misguided.”
Translation, we never believed those documents would be made public.

In select markets, #Arby’s announced they will begin testing venison sandwiches in select markets. Oh, deer.

Tuesday was  #NationalPassiveAggressive day. Fine, whatever.

Barack Obama on Jimmy Kimmel last night “What I don’t do is at 3 a.m. I don’t tweet about people who insulted me. I try to sleep so that in the morning I’m actually ready for a crisis.”
Waiting for the Donald tonight at 3 a.m. to insult the President’s stamina.

 

Glenn Beck just said he thinks Donald Trump is a sociopath. Well, the pot SHOULD be a kettle expert.

A new White House executive action will require airlines to refund baggage fees for delayed baggage. Seems reasonable. Wonder how much airlines will raise fees to cover it.

 

A British Airways flight from San Francisco to London made an emergency landing in Vancouver after the entire crew, including the pilot, became ill. Did they all have the fish? #Ahospitalwhatisit? #surelyyoucantbeserious

Justin Timberlake posted a selfie of himself doing early voting wth a covered up ballot, urging people to vote. But pictures in polling places are illegal in Tennessee. The horror. Trump claiming election fraud in 3.2.1…..

 

After Megyn Kelly told Newt Gingrich people have a right to hear reporting on women accusing Trump of being a “sexual predator, ” Gingrich actually shouted “You are fascinated with sex and you don’t care about public policy!”
Well, that should help with the women’s vote.

Trump told Reuters today as President he would not put any Democrats in his cabinet. Which could be tough. Not sure the Donald could find enough Republicans he hasn’t mortally offended.

Colin Powell today announced ““I am voting for Hillary Clinton.” Waiting for attack tweets from #DonaldTrump against Powell in 3.2.1….

 

My boat would have been huge, the best, that shark would have been sushi. Only losers get eaten. #TrumpaHorrorMovie

 

He had very small hands. I ate them with fava beans & the bestest Chianti. #TrumpAHorrorMovie.

 

From Mark Ricklis  “Have you seen the new Trump website? Grope-on.”

The Buck stops here?

October 24, 2016

There is a petition being circulated to replace Joe Buck with Bob Uecker for the World Series. They had me at “replace Joe Buck.”

In the December 2014 Foster Farms Bowl matching Stanford and Maryland at Levi’s Stadium, so few fans were interested that organizers closed off the upper bowl of the stadium and moved everyone down to the lower levels.
So for future home games, how much worse do the 49ers have to get before the team decides to do the same thing?

#NFL wonders why TV ratings are down & then Seahawks and Cardinals play to a 6-6 tie in overtime on Sunday Night Football.

 

General Mills said today they will produce limited-edition Girl Scout cookie cereal, in both Thin Mint and Caramel Crunch flavors. Isn’t it easier to just eat cookies for breakfast?

Saddest thing about this election? Molly Ivins is not still on earth to cover it.

Monday – October 24- was the last day to register to vote in California. So presume everyone who has not voted has forfeited bitching rights until next election!

Elizabeth Warren to Trump “nasty women have really had it with guys like you. And on November 8. we nasty women are going to march our nasty feet to cast our nasty votes to get you out of our lives forever.”
Sometimes even the best SNL skit is no match for reality. #YouGoGirl

 

Despite Donald Trump’s anti-Muslim comments, a recent Zogby poll showed 12% of Arab-American Muslims said they’d vote for him. Guessing 99% of that 12% are men?

This sort of thing would be funnier if it weren’t true: Trump, denying his latest accuser “And she’s a porn star. You know, this one that came out recently, ‘he grabbed me and he grabbed me on the arm.’ Oh, I’m sure she’s never been grabbed before.”
Can just imagine the Donald’s response on the subject of marital rape…

Last week President Obama said that while people worry about being “left behind” with globalization “To try to pull-up a drawbridge on trade would only hurt us and hurt our workers.”
To which Chris Christie no doubt responded “Uh, you don’t need a drawbridge.”

Trump’s daughter-in-law Lara, asked about any “October Surprises” today, responded “There’s still a couple of days left in October. So, we’ll see, we’ve got some stuff up our sleeve.”
Yeah, sounds like she’s become a Trump alright.

 –

Trump campaign manager KellyAnne Conway claimed that her boss would love more debates “the country benefits from those type of forum and we’d be willing to do another one if somehow they can squeeze it in.”
So is Conway really working for the Donald? Or for Alec Baldwin?

 

Donald Trump today, trying to feed the hand he’s been biting “Go out and vote and that includes helping me reelect Republicans all over the place. He then added: “I hope they help me too! It’d be nice if they help us too, right?”
Someone really should tell the Donald that there is this thing called the internet that keeps track of every insult you say.

 

 

 

 

Marc Ragovin   “After watching the Giants/Rams game, I am surprised the Brits haven’t severed relations with the US.”

 

Impossible dreams?

October 24, 2016

After escaping with a 6-6 tie against Arizona, Seattle takes their nonexistent 2016 offense on the road to face the New Orleans defense. Which might prove an answer to the age old question: What happens when a resistible force meets 11 movable objects?

ESPN reports the Vikings got Sam Bradford from the Eagles for their 2017 1st round draft-pick plus a conditional 4th rounder in 2018. If however, Minnesota, makes the NFC championship game, the 4th round pick becomes a 3rd, BUT Philly would then have to send the Vikings 7th round pick.
This might be more complicated math than most football players ever took in college.

 

These London games mean on the West Coast you can wake up and already know your team has lost for the week. “And your point is?” say 49ers fans

 

#JameisWinston gets a 15 yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalty for arguing a spot on 3rd down Overly #crabby? #TBvsSF

So who was leaving Levi’s Stadium at a faster rate? Injured 49ers players, or disgusted 49ers fans? #TBvsSF

So can we officially go back to calling them the “Fourth and niners?”

GOP chair Reince Priebus on Trump “He is not willing to not concede if he loses and there’s no fraud.” Orwell would be proud. #doublespeak

 

Sheldon Adelson’s Las Vegas Review-Journal has become the first major newspaper to endorse Donald Trump. “He promises to be a source of disruption and discomfort to the privileged, back-scratching political elites for whom the nation’s strength and solvency have become subservient to power’s pursuit and preservation.”
Got to love a man who can rail against the “privileged back scratching elites” after he buys a newspaper.

 

 

While I don’t love trending Twitter hashtags, #TrumpBookReport was too good to pass up:

Helen of Troy, overrated, wouldn’t have been my first choice. But I hear King Menealus had very small hands. #trumpbookreport

 

Six days to create the world? Really? I could have done it in five, and done much better for Adam than Eve. Nasty woman. #trumpbookreport

 

Overrated nasty woman, if I led France it would have been best victory ever. I don’t like people who get burnt at stake. #TrumpBookReport

The seasons they are a changin’

October 22, 2016

Since the Indians won in 5 games there’s  was no  baseball Friday night.  Sad premonition of winter.

Although with a possible Chicago-Cleveland World Series, maybe we will have the first WS game called for snow?

 

NY Giants coach Ben McAdoo, on kicker Josh Brown, accused of repeated domestic violence against his ex-wife. “We’re not going to turn our back on Josh.” Hmm, based on the allegations seems like it’s women who should be careful not to turn their backs on him.

Notre Dame AD Jack Swarbrick says despite the Fighting Irish’s disappointing start, Brian Kelly “will lead this team out of the tunnel opening day next year.”
Of course, Swarbrick didn’t say if it would be as coach or highly-paid waterboy.

AT&T is apparently going to buy Time-Warner. Yeah, that breakup of the phone company in 1982 because they were too big and dominant has worked well.

Twitter, Amazon, Spotify and other sites were down today at times due to a major cyber attack. The horror. Millions of Americans in their offices were actually forced to work.

At first, the Trump and his campaign were a joke. But then when it looked like he had a real chance, many thought he would get serious. Then when he won the nomination, many thought he would get disciplined. Then when he began losing to Hillary Clinton, many thought he would get focused. And some STILL think that actually winning the Presidency would turn him into a statesman….
#Heiswhowethoughthewas

So was that #DDoS attack that took down #Twitter from Russia? As in maybe even #Putin thinking “STFU Donald, you’re kllling our chances?

For all those who are debate junkies (or just gluttons for punishment), and are worried about going through withdrawal – David Duke has just qualified in Louisiana to share the stage in the final Senate candidate debate.

The trial in the Trump University lawsuit begins Nov. 29. And Donald Trump’s lawyers want what he has said during the campaign to be excluded, saying the admission of such evidence would risk “irremediable prejudice” and a “waste of time.”
Just wondering, where do they think they will find an unbiased jury pool?

 

So now that we’ve run out of other important stuff to argue about in this election, we have Eric Trump, who apparently got a free water glass at In-and-Out Burger, and used it to steal lemonade. His father must be so proud of those baby steps.

Richard Branson said Donald Trump told him years ago that five people had not helped out with a bankruptcy and he was “going to spend the rest of his life destroying these five people.” Hmm, so is Donald really running for President or “Count of Monte Cristo?”

 

That moment when you realize that no joke you could possibly write will probably trump reality – as you hear that the Donald will be giving a major policy speech Saturday at Gettysburg.

 

From Marc Ragovin  “Curt Schilling said that Indians pitcher Trevor Bauer cost his team by “dicking around with a drone.” In response, Schiilling’s former ESPN Baseball Tonight partner Dan Schulman said, “Oh yeah, well I spent two years droning around with a dick”

(joke, not a real quote :))

 

 

Nasty women unite?

October 19, 2016

 

So a close call at the plate in the Dodgers Cubs game got millions of Americans outraged before debatenight even gets started.

Meanwhile the debate ended up being about as close as the NLCS Game 4 final score.

The @Indians might just be the best baseball team America has never heard of. @ALCS

 

All these people claiming  Trump is acting like a child clearly didn’t discipline their children enough.

Admittedly Hillary Clinton had a huge advantage tonight.  As a  woman she’s had years of experience keeping a straight face listening to men say crazy shit.

A major U.S. Presidential candidate just said that he “will look at it at the time” regarding accepting the result of election. It’s about time to set up wind turbines atop the graves of our Founding Fathers.

 

Okay, so who’s going to be the first to make & sell #nastywoman t-shirts?

“Why should you vote for me for President?” Because I will accept election results & am not bat-shit crazy. Hillary  Clinton .

Does Trump realize that with all the Senators he has offended they might not want to confirm his Supreme Court  nominees either?

Trump as  sure that Hillary  got women to step forward to accuse him as he is sure Russia has had nothing to do with hacking.

All across America millions of people sitting back, pouring large drinks & saying “Did he REALLY say that about election?”

Somewhere @AlecBaldwin is getting carpal tunnel syndrome as he frantically tries to keep up taking notes for this week’s #SNL #debatenight

Wouldn’t we all pay big $$$ to see #Wikileaks leak what #Trump‘s staff says about him behind HIS back?

 

“Donald thinks that belittling women makes him bigger.” Line of the night #YouGoGirl #YouGoMadamePresident

So can we call #DonaldTrump the first true Creamsicle Presidential Candidate? Orange on the outside, really white on the inside.

Ohio Gov. John Kasich today: “To say that elections are rigged and all these votes are stolen, that’s like saying we never landed on the moon. That’s how silly it is.” Wait for Trump tomorrow to tweet that the moon landing was a hoax.

Condi Rice was asked in an email by CNN’s KFILE if she has a response to Donald Trump in a 2006 speech when he said “Condoleezza Rice, she’s a lovely woman, but I think she’s a bitch”
Her response: “Exactly. Can’t wait until November 9!”
Not often I say this about Rice, but #YouGoGirl.

 

In a recent poll, 60 percent of Americans supported the legalization of pot. And 20 percent more probably responded “Dude, what was that question again?”

Kenyan-born #MalikObama got a front-row seat to debate. So @realDonaldTrump just using another immigrant to take something from Americans.

 

NFL ratings are down over 11% this year. Owners are scrambling to explain it with things like the Presidential election being a distraction. And it’s possible the concussion issue is turning people off. Or maybe America has figured out there are just a lot of lousy teams.

Dez Bryant says he cut two fingers on his hand slicing carrots for soup. Amazing. Who knew Dez Bryant cooked?

Forever young at heart?

October 17, 2016

The Nobel Prize committee says that five days after they awarded the Prize for literature to Bob Dylan, they have not yet heard from their newest laureate. Or maybe Dylan has responded and they had no idea what who he was or what he was saying?

The #Big12 today decided not to expand & will stay at 10 members. Why should conference confuse players with a tough concept like math?

Some references today to #ColinKaepernick being a “distraction” for @49ers. Because without him they would only have lost by 20 points?

Trevor Bauer, who cut himself repairing one of his drones,  was not allowed to wear even as much as a Band-Aid on his finger tonight while pitching. The stitches broke, resulting in Bauer having to leave, dripping blood, in the first inning.    Cleveland used a total of 7 pitchers, and kept the Blue Jays to 2 runs.

 

And that, #SFGiants fans, ladies and gentlemen, is a bullpen. #Indians #ALCS

Wonder many MLB teams are rushing to add “no drones during the season” into their contract  language..

The Los Angeles Dodgers apparently stayed at the Trump hotel in Chicago for their regular season series against the Cubs in May. But Adrian Gonalez, who is of Mexican descent, refused, saying  “I had my reasons.”

Darn, another Dodger I can’t root against.

 

Anyone but me really tired of pumpkin flavored everything?

 

Fox News’ Shep Smith has come out as gay. Shocking millions of Americans who thought he was already out.

 

At a Donald Trump rally in Wisconsin tonight the crowd started chanting “Paul Ryan sucks!” So is this how the Donald would propose to start his State of the Union speech?

Melania Trump said that Donald really didn’t mean the things he said to Billy Bush, but that Bush had “egged him on.” Well it’s a good thing that Putin, or Congress, would never egg Trump on while in office.

As an anonymous friend said ““My husband can’t throw footballs and grab pussies at the same time!”

Donald Trump  said #SNL should be cancelled & was “unfunny.” Uh, if unfunny on occasion was reason enough, SNL would have been cancelled years ago.

Women who have come forward about #Trump‘s groping them can take comfort, he didn’t mean it, he was just trying to impress #BillyBush.