Archive for the ‘sports jokes’ category

Leaving on a private jet plane?

July 6, 2016

Oklahoma City Mayor Mick Cornett, on Durant’s departure “We’re stunned…. We’ve been spurned by someone we cared deeply about.” “Tell us about it,” said every basketball fan in Seattle.

What’s more surprising at this point? That the SF Giants at 54-33 have the best record in MLB? Or that they have done it while blowing 17 saves.

Charles Barkley is now saying that Kevin Durant is jumping on the Golden State “gravy train” to win a ring. Hmm, so did the Warriors turn down Sir Charles’ offer to ride their bench to get himself a title?

This upcoming Summer Olympics has an official bug spray company. (OFF) Which kind of tells you all you need to know about Rio now.

Ashley Madison has now admitted that some women on its site were actually virtual computer programs. Who’d a thunk it – a website designed for cheaters, was operated by cheaters.

Bernie Sanders in a meeting with House Democrats today allegedly said “the goal is not to win elections.” Even Dennis Kucinich is thinking this guy may not quite be in touch with reality.

Ben Carson tweeted “Social media provides a great platform for discourse, but we must be careful with the messages we send out.” Yep, someone’s definitely not on Trump’s VP list….

Tennessee Sen. Bob Corker took himself off Trump’s VP short list today. This is like “the Bachelor-Bachelorette”, but with many of the contestants just saying no to the rose.

Former Fox News host Gretchen Carlson is suing Roger Ailes for sexual harassment. So how long until they make fun of her on Fox and Friends

In the UK they have spent 7 years and millions of pounds on the “Chilcot” report, probing the reasons that Britain joined the US in the Iraq war. The 2.6 million word report found that Tony Blair used “exaggerated” evidence to convince the British public that Saddam Hussein had WMDs, evidence that was “presented with a certainty that was not justified.”
But of course none of this is an important as Hillary’s emails.

 

Hour long delay for thousands of passengers on trains in and out of San Francisco due to moron in car trying to beat train across tracks.  He lost. But only damaged car. Alas, no Darwin.

Bob Corker, who still supports Trump but withdrew from V.P consideration “His best running mate, by the way, would be Ivanka.”
So is it required for a Trump supporter to be creepy?

You really cannot make this “stuff” up. Paul Ryan says Hillary Clinton was “reckless” in handling classified materials, so she should be denied access to classified materials during the general election.
Right, as opposed to the completely un-reckless GOP nominee?

From Bill Littlejohn “With the signing of Kevin Durant, the Warriors have more expectations than anything outside of a fertility clinic..”

She’s got mail.

July 5, 2016

The FBI says they will not press charges against Hillary Clinton. Director James Comey says there was no “clear evidence” of intentional misconduct.  So this will change exactly zero minds on Hillary’s guilt or innocence.

 –

FBI director James Comey did say Hillary Clinton was “extremely careless” but if GOP is going to condemn a lack of judgment with her emails what about those Iraq WMDs?
Until today, Republicans admired FBI director James Comey, like they used to admire judge Merrick Garland.
FBI director James Comey said “‘no reasonable prosecutor” would bring a case against Clinton for emails. I am sure this will convince the GOP as they’ve reasonably only voted 60 times to repeal Obamacare.

 

Paul Ryan tonight said the GOP will hold hearings on the FBI’s decision not to prosecute Hillary Clinton over the emails. Why don’t they run them along with another Benghazi hearing? Would save time.

 

Just wondering how many Americans screaming about Hillary ‪#‎Clinton‬‘s email server have any idea what an email server actually is.

Now a drug- resistant bacteria has been found in the water off some of Rio’s most popular beaches. Well security at the Olympics may not be as big a problem as previously feared: if this keeps up even ISIL will be scared to go near the place.

If Donald Trump wanted to tweet about real ‪#‎RiggedSystem‬, he should have ignored Hillary’s emails & talked about ‪#‎AllStarGame‬ voting.

More wins than any team in National League & only one position player in the ‪#‎AllStarGame‬. But ‪#‎SFGiants‬ players need the rest anyway.  (If the bullpen hadn’t blown 6 of 9 last saves they’d have more wins than any team in baseball.)

 

#‎SFGiants‬ now take over the major league lead from the ‪#‎Reds‬ in blown saves. ‪#‎notthetitleyouwant‬

ESPN is devoting an hour to the MLB “Esurance All-Star Selection Show” tonight. An hour?! So where’s that hacker who leaked the March Madness brackets when we need him or her?

‪#‎SFGiants‬ need to trade for ‪#‎NolanArenado‬ someday if for no other reason than to keep him from batting against them.

Best news for ‪#‎SFGiants‬ with ‪#‎KevinDurant‬ to ‪#‎Warriors‬; even in even year, they’re not the SF Bay Area team most burdened w/ high expectations.

The Alabama AD self-reported five violations for the 2015-16 academic year against their football team. The school said they were all “secondary violations,” which don’t lead to probation. Well of course, isn’t anything the Crimson Tide football teams do at most a secondary violation.

To err is human, to really screw things up requires a computer. This is the response I got today on confirming a hotel night….in midtown Manhattan:
ROOM VIEW – OCEAN VIEW

Apparently some parents were upset to find out that Hooters had sponsored a 3-day Cub Scout camp, and sent a few of their waitresses to volunteer. Even more upset, some fathers whose own Cub Scout volunteer days may now be over.

Meanwhile, while some Americans freak out over terrorism, more than 60 people were shot in Chicago over the 4th of July weekend; four died.

Clinton campaign statement on the FBI decision not to charge her over emails: “We are glad this matter is now resolved.”
Glad for no charges I can see, but “resolved?” Right, like Obama’s birth certificate, or Obamacare for that matter, ever was resolved with many in the GOP… ‪#‎shecandream‬

 

Donald Trump today on Saddam Hussein: “He was a bad guy — really bad guy. But you know what? He did well? He killed terrorists.”
Yeah, along with only maybe 250,000-500,000 Iraqis. ‪#‎ThisIShimtryingtobePresidential‬

Holi-daze?

July 1, 2016

For all my Canadian friends, Happy (now belated)  Canada Day. For my American friends, might be important to remember July 1 matters up north, in case you were thinking of moving if Trump wins in November.

 

Bill Clinton met briefly but privately with Attorney General Loretta Lynch this week in Phoenix. And of course some allege that they might have talked about the email investigation.
So the former President was alone with a woman and the rumors aren’t about sex? How the mighty have fallen.

#‎Lakers‬ signed ‪#‎TimofeyMozgov‬ to a $64 million contract. Even the ‪#‎Dodgers‬ think that’s overspending for mediocre talent.

OJ Mayo has been suspended from the NBA for 2 years for violating the league’s drug testing program. This is the same Mayo who played one year at USC, was ruled to have accepted improper benefits, got the school’s wins vacated and then entered the draft. Not that I am a Trojans fan but have to admire mean bitch Karma in delayed mode.

‪#‎Iceland‬ has become so popular with their ‪#‎EURO2016‬ run, if this keeps up some Americans will even learn to find it on a map.

One more thought for the day on Madison Bumgarner hitting. Now, he may not be the best hitter on the team by a longshot. But how many other pitchers do fans time their concession-bathroom-whatever breaks around making sure you don’t miss an at-bat? ‪#‎SFGiants‬ ‪#‎PitcherswhoRake‬

 

And sure, all SF Giants fans knew the team would start off July with a win thanks to Grant Green, Jarrett Parker, and Conor Gillaspie.

Reports now indicate that Kevin Durant is “90% likely” to stay with the Thunder. So all of this media free-agent hype may be about as accurate as the supermarket tabloids regularly promising celebrity divorces.

At Machu Picchu, a man entered a restricted area, and asked someone to take his picture leaping in the air. He then leapt, fell of a cliff, and died. Not often you get a Darwin Award and an Incan sacrifice at the same time.

So has a team from ‪#‎Cleveland‬ lost since game 4 of the ‪#‎NBAfinals‬? ‪#‎Indians‬ ‪#‎Cavs‬

(my friend Richard Rothschild tells me, well, actually since before game 6.)

On Delta’s website today, fares from San Francisco to Detroit were apparently showing up for over $13,000 roundtrip, in coach. Well, that’s absurd. Who would ever think it would cost that much for a domestic airfare. Now by the time you add fees….maybe.

Trump spoke today in Denver following Sarah Palin. So he did that because after Palin there’s a CHANCE the Donald looks sane by comparison?

A Miami strip club bartender wanted to spend some time with a man who wasn’t her husband, so she told hubby she had been kidnapped. He called the cops, she got arrested. Uh, she couldn’t have found ONE friend to say it was a girls’ weekend? ‪#‎Cantfixstupid‬ ‪#‎Butyoucanarreststupid‬

Now Al Qaeda and ISIS are both claiming credit for a hostage situation in Bangladesh. I do suppose it’s too much to hope that they might get mad enough to start shooting and bombing each other.

Donald Trump, on the Supreme Court’s 5-3 Texas abortion clinic ruling: “Now if we had—Scalia was living, or if Scalia was replaced by me, you wouldn’t have had that, OK? It would’ve been the opposite.”
Because 5-4 is the opposite of 5-3? The Donald is not only not qualified to be President, he’s not qualified to teach 2nd grade math.

Missed the sign?

June 30, 2016

After leading the Brexit movement, Boris Johnson has now said he doesn’t want to be Prime Minister. Whatever happened to “You break it, you buy it.”

The Dodgers have put Clayton Kershaw on the DL with a herniated  disc. SF Giants are wishing Kershaw well, and thinking “Don’t risk your career and health, take the rest of the summer off.”

 

Madison Bumgarner was the first pitcher since 1976 to be scheduled to bat for himself in an AL park.  And he doubled to lead off the 3rd in a six-run inning.  Clearly this was all the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ needed to wake them up after a horrible evening.. ‪#‎PitchersWhoRake‬ ‪#‎PitchersWhoInspire‬

 

‪#‎SFGiants‬ played much better defense tonight. Presumably they didn’t want to screw up & have to answer to ‪#‎Madbum‬ ‪#‎Pitcherswhocanhandleabat‬

 

Johnny Manziel has apparently been suspended four games for violating the NFL’s substance abuse policy. Well, gosh, hope that doesn’t make some team decide it would be risky to sign him.

Disney World has apparently pulled Louis the alligator, from their Princess and the Frog movie, from the new Friendship Faire Castle Show, and Peter Pan’s Tick-Tock the Croc, from the Festival of Fantasy Parade.
Good thing that poor little boy didn’t get run over in the Anaheim parking lot, or Disney might have had to close Cars Land.

Rolando McClain, the Dallas Cowboys LB who was suspended for the 1st four games of the 2015 NFL season for violating the league’s substance abuse policy, has now been suspended the first 10 games of this season for violating the same policy.
At some point it’s not a suspension for drugs, it’s a suspension for stupidity.

The FDA is now saying not to eat raw cookie dough, because uncooked flour can be hazardous to your health. Hmm, sounds like an opportunity for millions of Americans to start describing themselves as courageous risk takers.

Utah senator Mike Lee says he won’t support Donald Trump because Trump attacked ‘my best friend’ – Ted Cruz. Shocking. Cruz has a best friend?

Gwyneth Paltrow was apparently shocked to hear that Star Magazine declared her “the most hated celebrity.” “What did I do?” Well, cluelessness is a good start….-

A new USA Today poll shows Americans by 4-1 margin agree that the Brexit vote to leave the EU “was a sign of anger and dissatisfaction that can be seen in other countries, including the United States.”
Wonder how many Americans have any idea what the EU is?

Mike Ditka has declined Donald Trump’s invitation to speak at the Republican National Convention. Guess he hasn’t been hit on the head THAT many times.

One of the Istanbul airport attackers was apparently Russian. So much for that Trump-Putin bromance.

 

Donald Trump today, speaking as a plane buzzed overhead “That could be a Mexican plane up there. They’re getting ready to attack.” Isn’t it nice that that Donald is trying to be more Presidential?

Rolling, rolling, rolling.

June 29, 2016

Following on the NBA championship of the Cavs, the Indians have won 12 games in a row. For those who think Cleveland’s just piling on, don’t worry, the Browns’ pre-season starts soon.

The NCAA has a new rule that all bowl-eligible teams with 6-6 records must be chosen for a bowl before any teams with a 5-7 record are offered the games.
With all due respect, isn’t a bowl game for a .500 team the football equivalent of a participation trophy?

The NFL Players Association doesn’t want the active players named in the Al-Jazeera PED report interviewed by the league, but Peyton Manning apparently will cooperate. So long as the interview is sponsored by Papa John’s and Budweiser.

 

Michael Phelps tonight won the 200-meter butterfly and became the first U.S. male swimmer to qualify for five Olympics. Whereupon he celebrated by yelling “You punks get out of my pool.”

2015 Seahawks backup QB Tarvaris Jackson was charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon after a woman in Florida accused him of threatening her with a gun last week. Now, newly signed backup QB Trevone Boykin has been charged with assault causing bodily injury after an Dec 31 incident with a police officer at a bar before the Alamo Bowl.
Who’s next for Seattle? Johnny Manziel is available.

Johnny Manziel says he is going sober on July 1. For the troubled QB’s sake, I hope he’s right. But hard not to quote Inigo Montoya: “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means”

The Miss Teen USA pageant says they are dropping the swimsuit portion of their competition, replacing it with an athletic wear competition. For all men who only tuned in for the swimsuits, three words “tight yoga pants.

The California “Adult Use of Marijuana Act” is officially on this November’s ballot. Well, it’s high time.

‪#‎HeterosexualPrideDay‬. Really? Just go to a lot of frat houses, where every day is ‪#‎HetrerosexualPrideDay‬.

 

Regarding that story of Christy Sheats, the Texas mom and gun-rights advocate who fatally shot her daughters, reports are now that police had been called out 14 times since 2012 to their home, calls involving Christy’s having a “mental crisis.”
And she was still allowed to have guns? ‪#‎wellplayedNRA‬ ‪#‎sarcasm‬

Surprisingly little media attention to Istanbul only a day after the attacks. Must not have been any Americans killed. Sigh.

I miss President Obama already: “Now somebody else who has never shown any regard for workers, who has never fought on behalf of social justice issues, they don’t suddenly become a populist because they say something controversial in order to win votes. That’s not the measure of populism. That’s nativism or xenophobia or worse. Or it’s just cynicism.”

A new Quinnipiac University poll says Donald Trump has the support of 1% of black voters. That many?

 

Seeing red?

June 27, 2016

Iceland just knocked  England out of the #Euro2016. This is the most embarrassing thing to happen to England since Thursday.

 

After England’s loss to Iceland,  England soccer coach Roy Hodgson resigned immediately. And probably about five minutes before he was fired.

Carmelo Anthony says he’s already trying to recruit Kevin Durant. Well, there are some advantages to the Knicks – lots of media attention, the city of New York, and the months of May and June off.

A new Lenny Dykstra book coming out tomorrow is apparently so toxic that even Jose Canseco is saying “Dude, less is more.”

 

Rio de Janeiro’s governor said today that the Olympic Games could be a “big failure” What was his first clue?

Monday was ‪#‎NationalSunglassesDay‬. In Seattle they’re going “National what?”

Today is ‪#‎NationalSunglassesDay‬. In Seattle they’re going “National what?”

Jacksonville Jaguars LB Dan Skuta was charged with first-degree battery for an incident last week in Orlando where he allegedly pushed a woman’s face “with an open hand into a glass window” at around 2:30 a.m. The woman had apparently talked to Skuta, but declined to give him her phone number.
How bad are the Jaguars? Bad enough that not only can’t they come close to .500, but players can’t even impress women?

Two University of Texas freshmen who were moving out of their dorm found a hidden hold with antique items from the late 1950s, including pictures and empty beer cans. And presumably some still-fresh Twinkies.

 

 

The Supreme Court struck down Texas’s abortion law that would have closed most clinics in the state. More ammunition for “Texit?”

Just to prove that stupidity is not confined to one political persuasion, someone -just guessing it might have been a man – at “the Daily Show” thought this was a funny tweet in response to today’s abortion ruling: “Celebrate the ‪#‎SCOTUS‬ ruling! Go knock someone up in Texas!”

 

Even though fewer than 10 out of 41 clinics would have remained with the laws the Supreme Court just struck down, the Texas state solicitor general had argued “over 90% of Texas women of reproductive age will live within 150 miles of an open abortion clinic. ”
Not that they’re equivalent, but wonder what would have been the reaction if a law had required Texas men to drive up to 150 miles for Viagra?

Of course abortion and Viagra are not equivalent.  But on the other hand, Texas didn’t claim their law was to eliminate abortion, it was to “protect women’s health.” And even the ED drug ads say things like “if your heart is healthy enough for sex.”
So maybe Viagra-seeking men should indeed be required to go to a hospital.

 

 

Donald Trump just will not let go of this “Pocahontas” name-calling with Elizabeth Warren. But to be fair, maybe in another life, maybe that furry thing that lives on Trump’s head was a pelt.

Busted aces?

June 26, 2016

Last night Madison Bumgarner gave up 3 runs.  Today Johnny Cueto gave up 6 runs,  Justin Verlander gave up 8 runs, and Clayton Kershaw gave up 4 runs. Okay, this really could be a sign of the apocalypse.

On other hand, Sunday the Royals, Rangers, Orioles, Marlins, Indians, Twins, Angels, As, Dbacks, Rockies, Cardinals, Mariners, Giants and Phillies all have scored at least 6 runs.  So maybe Kershaw’s four runs weren’t that bad.

 ·

Congrats to Arizona and Coastal Carolina who will meet in the finals of the College World Series. Many people are thinkng “I didn’t know Coastal Carolina had a baseball team. Heck, many people are thinking, “I didn’t even know Coastal Carolina had a university.

 

The Pittsburgh Pirates won three games from the LA Dodgers this weekend. No punchline, I just liked writing that. ‪#‎SFGiants‬.

 

Cubs’ ace Jake Arrieta, a TCU alum, apparently has to get a CCU tattoo after losing a bet to teammate Tommy La Stella, a Coastal Carolina alum, over the College World Series.
Uh, wouldn’t you think Arrieta is making enough money he could have risked something less painful like a car or a Rolex? ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Pete Rose was very emotional today at a ceremony the Cincinnati Reds had to retire his number. Wonder what odds he had gotten on it happening?

Mitch McConnell when asked if Donald Trump is qualified for the presidency, said he’ll “leave that to the American people to decide.” Wait, don’t we elect Senators to make the tough decisions for us?

In Lebanon, an endangered sea turtle is being treated by a rescue group after tourists dragged it out of the water, and apparently took selfies with it and beat it with sticks. Where is a great white shark when you really need one?

Of course we knew that Palin would weigh in Brexit. Not only did she congratulate England but “America can learn an encouraging lesson from this.’It is time to dissolve political bands that connect us to agendas not in our best interest. May UN shackles be next on the chopping block,’
Uh, Sarah, even North Korea is part of the UN….

SF Chronicle is reporting the story of a man whose North Beach apartment rent instantly jumped from $1,800 to $8000 a month. Many people will read this and go “That’s appalling.” Some San Franciscans will read this and go “You can get an apartment in North Beach for $8,000 a month?”

 

After ‪#‎Chile‬‘s win over ‪#‎Argentina‬ in ‪#‎COPA‬, Lionel ‪#‎Messi‬ says he is quitting the Argentina national team -#Messi-exit?


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