Archive for the ‘sports jokes’ category

Money money money money…

April 20, 2016

 

Former slave ‪#‎HarrietTubman‬ replaces slave owner ‪#‎AndrewJackson‬ on the $20. Mean bitch karma for the much delayed win!

 

So at this point in ‪#‎NBAPlayoffs‬ is the question less if there will be an upset than if one first round matchup will actually go 6 games?

Although it’s April 20. So guess what folks? We’re exactly only 60 days from a possible game 7 in the ‪#‎NBAFinals‬ ‪#‎NBAPlayoffs‬

ESPN just fired ‪#‎CurtSchilling‬. Too soon to start a pool as to when he might be hired by ‪#‎FoxNews‬?

Marc Ragovin suggested last night that after Schilling included an offensive cartoon in a Twitter post defending North Carolina’s anti-LGBT law. “Hey Curt, put a bloody sock in it.”

Border agents just discovered a 2,600 ft tunnel from Tijuana to San Diego, with ventilation, a rail system and an elevator. Uh, Trump, about that wall…..

Nike has ended its contract with Johnny Manziel. Alas, the QB couldn’t seem to figure out the slogan wasn’t “Just OverDo It.”

Ted Cruz wrote a whining fundraising email about the sacrifices he is making to run for President – no sleep, no personal time, no family time…. And somewhere God is thinking. “Take a hint Ted, and go home.”

Bernie Sanders was complaining tonight that “about 3 million” New Yorkers “were unable to vote today because they had registered as Independents, not Democrats or Republicans.”  Uh yes, that’s why they call them party primaries.
Maybe six months ago the campaign should have thought of getting people to register as Democrats if Sanders wanted to run as a Democrat….

 

While some Democrats are battling over admittedly at times complicated primary rules, have to think some in the GOP are just laughing as they tighten voting rules for the general election. ‪#‎theREALthreattodemocracy‬

Is it wrong that I’ve never watched ‪#‎LiveWithKellyandMichael‬, have no idea who’s in the right, and don’t really give a damn? .

Is this really the best marketing line? A Sephora email says “Glow like you just came back from Rio.” Uh, with the Zika and the toxins in the water etc., have to think, could you come back radioactive too?

Chicago Blackhawks forward Andrew Shaw, who at first claimed he didn’t “know what’s said” has now apologized for a gay slur directed at a referee Tuesday night “When I got home and saw the video, it was evident that what I did was wrong, no matter the circumstances.”
So he needed to see the video to know what he said? Does Shaw aspire to a career in politics?

Uh oh, Ben Carson’s been on the Daily Show and now he thinks he’s relevant again…..”I think Andrew Jackson was a tremendous secretary. I mean a tremendous president…. I love Harriet Tubman,” said Carson. “I love what she did. But we can find another way to honor her. Maybe a $2 bill.”
At least he didn’t say $3 bill.

 

 

 

Just wondering, since inflation has hit everything else in the SF Bay Area, why does Facebook still cap you at 5,000 friends?

(and no, I don’t have 5,000 FB friends.  But people who I know do, and they can’t add me.  #reflectedglory)

 

Long ago and far away

April 19, 2016

#‎Spurs‬ tonight honored a couple celebrating 75th wedding anniversary at game. Fitting as their honeymoon was during Duncan’s rookie year.

 

Johnny Manziel, dropped by his agent, said in a statement he’s hoping to “take care of issues” and “play in 2016,”
Alas for Manziel, “play” hasn’t been the problem, “work” has.

Pat Boone is saying that SNL is in league with Satan after a skit where a baker refused to bake wedding cake for a gay couple, titled “God is a boob man.” Of course, these days that seems increasingly true, He/She has certainly created a lot of boobs. Including Pat Boone.

Whole Foods is opening two “affordable” 365 stores in the SF Bay Area. So will they be nicknamed “Half paycheck?”

The British Government has indicated they will not be going for the public’s choice for their new research vessel – “Boaty McBoatface” Ah, come on, they don’t want to have the popular research boat in the world. ‪#‎BoatyMcBoatface‬ would probably end up with its own social media accounts and fan clubs….. ‪#‎nofun‬

If the Brits don’t want “Boaty McBoatface” can the U.S. borrow it?.  Surely there is a Navy boat worthy of the name?

One bit of bipartisan good news ahead. After tonight we won’t have to hear 24-7 about the New York primary.

Donald Trump has now confused 9-11 with 7-Eleven. And the convenience store says “Don’t blame us, not even our Slurpees give you that much of a brain freeze.”

NY Rep. Peter King before the primary   “I hate Ted Cruz, and I think I’ll take cyanide if he ever got the nomination.” And no doubt at least some New Yorkers were thinking “promise?”

 

What’s more surprising, the size of ‪#‎Trump‬‘s margin, or fact that 15% of New Yorkers actually voted for a Texan who trashed NY values? ‪#‎NYPrimary‬

#‎Trump‬ says ‪#‎Cruz‬ just about “mathematically eliminated.” Which would mean something if ‪#‎GOP‬ paid attention to liberal concepts like math

The Houston Chronicle reports at that “at least 22” local GOP conventions passed “secession items”, which could be brought up at the state conference in May. Now, there are hundreds of local conventions. But it could be fun. And would secession make Ted Cruz ineligible to run for President? ‪#‎wecandream‬

Utah’s governor is about to sign a bill saying that pornography is “a public health hazard leading to a broad spectrum of individual and public health impacts and societal harms.”
So when men feel the urge to look at porn they should just go look for another wife?

Ted Cruz today “America has always been best when she is lying down with her back on the mat.” Uh, WTF? Is Ted trying to be banned from from Utah under their new porn law?

 

Tennessee majority leader Gerald McCormick is upset with businesses spoke out about the proposed LGBT bathroom law. “these companies who tried to blackmail us for this thing, when they come for their corporate welfare checks next year, we need to have a list out and keep an eye on them.”
But for the others, those corporate welfare checks will just keep on coming. Glad McCormick cleared that up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tanked?

April 19, 2016

San Jose Sharks seem bent on proving there is such a thing as home ice disadvantage.

Meanwhile the Warriors faced the Rockets without Steph Curry.  With a few more starters out it actually might have been a tight game.

Although as the Thunder faced the depleted Mavericks, once again OKC reminded NBA fans, seldom has a team done so little with so much.

·

‪#‎SFGiants‬ had ‪#‎KevinHogan‬ throw out the first pitch on ‪#‎Stanford‬ night. They clearly should have signed him for the bullpen.

 

 

3 thoughts after ‪#‎SFGiants‬ loss tonight: 1. Casilla may be done as a closer. 2. Heston should not be a reliever. 3. Where is Timmy?

 

Alas Hunter Strickland tonight reminded ‪#‎SFGiants‬ fans why he is the closer of the “future.” ‪#‎didntthinkIwouldmissRomo‬

Meanwhile, the Arizona ‪#‎Diamondbacks‬ road uniforms remind many of us of that day we put a black shirt or jeans in the wash on hot with our whites.

A diagnosis on Pablo Sandoval’s injury has apparently been delayed by swelling in his shoulder. Thinking actually the Panda’s shoulder has not been where the problem swelling has occurred.

 –

‪#‎Ethiopians‬ won both the men’s & women’s ‪#‎BostonMarathon‬ today. Now ‪#‎Kenyans‬ know how we ‪#‎Americans‬ usually feel.

Ebay actually pulled an auction for a Ziplock bag of AIR from inside Staples Center for Kobe Bryant’s last game. The bidding had reached over $15,000. Not sure what the bigger ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ is, the bidder, or Ebay in giving up those 10% seller fees.

Ted Cruz apparently reiterated his position last week that he wants to return America back to the gold standard. So it’s not just women he wants to return to the 19th century.

Michigan Governor Rick Snyder says he will drink water from Flint for “at least a month” to show support for the city, and to show that the water is safe to use with a filter. Your move, mean bitch Karma.

 

Just thinking, if other GOP candidates want to show solidarity on the subject of excessive government regulation, maybe they could call Mich. Gov. Rick Snyder and ask him to ship them some of that Flint drinking water. ‪#‎isitsafe‬?

A video has gone viral of a woman in Toronto who scaled the fence to a tiger enclosure in order to retrieve her hat. She and the hat escaped unharmed. Another Darwin ‪#‎misseditbythatmuch‬

 

20 inches of rain or more and massive flooding in Houston. Awful, but now waiting for some of these politicians who want to secede from the U.S. to ask for federal disaster relief.

 

 

On the subject of state’s rights etc, just found this quote from “West Wing” President Jed Bartlet. And what a shame he isn’t running in 2016:
“You think states should do the governing wall-to-wall. That’s a perfectly valid opinion. But your state of Florida got $12.6 billion in federal money last year – from Nebraskans, and Virginians, and New Yorkers, and Alaskans, with their Eskimo poetry. 12.6 out of a state budget of $50 billion. I’m supposed to be using this time for a question, so here it is: Can we have it back, please?

High or cry time?

April 17, 2016

Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Wolf signed a bill legalizing medical marijuana. Does being sick of watching the Phillies lose count?

Charlotte’s loss today to Miami extended their postseason losing streak to 11 games, third longest in NBA history. Almost a shame the Hornets couldn’t have a first round matchup with the Raptors. ‪#‎somethingsgottogive‬

 

Vince Carter had a good game for ‪#‎Grizzlies‬. For 2016-7 maybe he’s old enough to sign a free agent contract with the  ‪#‎Spurs‬?

Two Syracuse football players are recovering with non life-threatening injuries after they were allegedly stabbed by a former teammate. ‪#‎ifonlyhehadbeenarmed‬

Pablo Sandoval is flying to Alabama for a 2nd opinion on his injured shoulder from Dr. James Andrews. Either that or the trip is for the pulled pork and pecan pie.

#‎LukeWalton‬ has apparently turned down head coaching job with ‪#‎Knicks‬. Guess he’s holding out for an offer from an ‪#‎NBA‬ professional team

McDonald’s is opening a new restaurant in Missouri that will feature “all-you-can-eat” French Fries. So Missouri can now be the “Show Me How Fat We Can Get” state?

The Treasury has announced Andrew Jackson will be replaced on the $20 bill by an unnamed woman. But Alexander Hamilton is staying on the $10. It’s about time for a woman on our currency. But poor Jackson, had they only written an “Old Hickory” hit Broadway musical….

While some voters on both sides scream about free trade, a new Associated Press-GfK poll.poll shows that while Americans say they would like to buy things made in the US, 67% of them would buy the exact same thing made overseas if it were less expensive….

A Nashville mom and her friend are facing charges after they left her 13-month-old daughter in a hot car while auditioning at a strip club. Apparently the friend was supposed to be watching the girl but went inside to watch the audition. The child is okay, and yes, it could have been a horrible story. But wonder how many people who are condemning the mom are both pro-life and against subsidized child care?

Donald Trump on a possible contested GOP convention: “I hope it doesn’t involve violence. I hope it doesn’t. I’m not suggesting that.”
Why doesn’t Trump just say “It’s a nice little convention you’ve got planned. It would be a shame if something happened to it.

Some angry voters are threatening to sue over New York’s closed primary, which requires them to have chosen a party affiliation 6 months before the primary. You think if they care enough to sue, they’d have cared enough to get their registration right.

Let’s see, many who support Donald Trump do so because he’s rich and “successful.” But then some of those same people are against Hillary Clinton because of the money she has made. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence.

The pain, the pain

April 15, 2016

The ‪#‎Braves‬ have won! Finally. Last week ‪#‎Atlanta‬ had a couple weeks that went this badly, Sherman was involved.

After the NY Daily News printed a story that the Mets had sold most of the jerseys from the team’s first game in NY after 9/11, the team issued a statement “We admit that we made a mistake, and have instituted a new process with internal controls to prevent something like this from happening again in the future.”
So was the mistake profiting over the jerseys, or getting caught?

John Kasich, in response to a woman student at a town hall in St. Lawrence University in NY saying she saying she worries about harassment on campus said “I’d also give you one bit of advice, don’t go to parties where there is a lot of alcohol.”
Can’t imagine how the GOP gets the reputation of being clueless on women’s issues. ‪#‎andKasichissupposedtobethereasonableone‬

 

With all the attacks on Hillary over taking money from Wall Street for speeches, maybe it’s time for her to requote the line “If you can’t drink their whiskey, take their money, screw their women and still vote against him in the morning, you don’t belong in politics.”
Bill would certainly volunteer to help with the “women” part.

 

Starting for the 2017-18 season, the NBA announced that companies can buy a 2.5-by-2.5-inch advertising space on game-day jerseys. So that means by about 2020 those jerseys will resemble those worn by NASCAR.

 

 

The Minnesota Twins came back and beat the Angels tonight, following upon the Braves’ first win. So ten games into the season, nobody’s perfect.

AMC says they are scraping a plan to allow texting in theaters after saying they have heard “loud and clear” that it “is a concept our audience does not want.”
D’uh…. even people who text in theaters do not want other people texting in theaters.

Kim Davis’s lawyer is now apparently helping Kentucky leglislators draft a bill to restrict bathroom access for LGBTs. Hmm, presumably after the Kentucky Derby so everyone doesn’t boycott that too?

Sarah Palin says “Bill Nye is as much a scientist as I am.” Shocking! Palin acknowledges the concept of scientists?

Hillary Clinton last night in the debate “It’s easy to diagnose a problem. It’s harder to do something about a problem.” And many Americans on both sides of the aisle are thinking “No, just tell us you’ll fix it, don’t confuse us with facts.”

 

Jason Whitlock, not joining in the Kobe Bryant lovefest, said that Kobe’s narcissism and selfishness ruined the Lakers. Strikes me that he’s both right and wrong. In his prime, Bryant helped lead Los Angeles to five rings with that narcissism and selfishness. When his skills decreased and his demands, on and off the court, remained the same – well, yes, then, Kobe helped make sure the Lakers became, and stayed, a lousy basketball team.

T.C. on reports that Kim Jong Un now weighs over 300 pounds. “If this dictator thing doesn’t work out he can try out for the Boston Red Sox.”

What’s in an (insulting) name?

April 14, 2016

Lots of uproar over a Sanders supporter using the term ‪#‎Democraticwhores‬. Hillary fans are outraged. Meanwhile Bill is going “whores?  where?

 

Really? A Rockies fan was kicked out of Coors Field for throwing a home run ball (hit by the Giants Trevor Brown) back onto the field. Good thing they don’t have that silly rule at Dodger Stadium. Madbum is hitting (and pitching) tomorrow night.

Rough couple days for ‪#‎SFGiants‬ pitchers at Coors Field, giving up 21 runs in two days. But it could be worse, they could have given up all those runs interspersed with snow delays. (And yes, it is going to snow this weekend in Denver. Happy Spring.)

Lots of attention on the Warriors winning 73 games. And over in Oakland the As are thinking “With luck we can do that this year too.”

Meanwhile, in the NFL,  Oakland and SF may combine to honor Golden State: this year’s Raiders are likely to win 7 games, while the 49ers are likely to win 3.

 

So what’s going to happen next? The Golden State Warriors lose a game? Or the Minnesota Twins or Atlanta Braves win a game?

 

So with this the 9th Democratic debate  was there any point other than both sides hoping for a “gotcha” moment? ‪#‎sanders‬ ‪#‎clinton‬

 

American Airlines has complained that TSA lines meant 6,800 of their passengers missed flights in just one week from March 14-20. Of course American is not complaining about all the change fees they were able to charge those passengers.

Microsoft is suing the DOJ to prevent the government from going through users’ personal emails without notice. The company feels strongly that such an invasion of privacy should not be allowed, except by Microsoft and their advertisers.

Canada is looking into passing an assisted suicide bill for terminally ill patients, but will not allow “suicide tourism” for Americans. Especially presumably after the November elections.

 

In Wisconsin a high school teacher who has been charged with having sex with her 16-year old student allegedly slept with him the night of her husband’s bachelor party and sent him selfies from her honeymoon. Your move, Florida.

Al Sharpton, after Bill de Blasio and Hillary Clinton used a reference to “C.P” time in a skit – “Y’all got to leave all these jokes alone. Just, don’t even talk about race for a while.” Does it count as a joke to reference black pots and kettles?

All this commotion over the phrase “C.P. time” when used by NY Mayor DeBlasio, who is married to a black woman. Now, maybe in a P.C. age it wasn’t the best joke. But while we’re at it, I’ve heard in Hawaii and Jamaica and much of the Caribbean “Island time,” in Mexico “Mexican minutes,” from a lot of men “girl time” or “girl ready” and from someone married to a woman from Delhi “Indian Standard time.” So maybe we should all lighten up?

The Lakers apparently sold $1.2 million in Kobe Bryant merchandise yesterday. Although just think about how much the team might have made had they released Bryant a few years ago and built a team that could reach the playoffs.

 

From Alex Kaseberg   “In his last game, the Lakers’ Kobe Bryant scored 60 points to beat the Utah Jazz. Now, I don’t want to say Utah rigged the game for Kobe, but Custer played better defense against Sitting Bull.”

Records, records, who’s got records?

April 13, 2016

Congrats to the Warriors on 73 wins. Klay Thompson was asked yesterday if the team would celebrate with champagne “Absolutely not You’ve got to save that till June, man. I mean, you might have a glass of wine after the game, but that’s about it.”
And the rest of the teams in the Western Conference playoffs are thinking, “Are you kidding, a week-long all-night party would be more appropriate.”

Open note to ‪#‎Warriors‬ fans, the wave is for when team sucks & there’s nothing better to do. Or when you’re ‪#‎Dodgers‬ or ‪#‎As‬ fans ‪#‎stayclassy‬

 

Kobe Bryant, 20 years with the Lakers. Impressive. Tim Duncan, 19 years with the Spurs – impressive. More impressive, Duncan has structured his contract and play to help his team still be relevant. ‪#‎thequietfarewelltourkeepsontouring‬

Warriors set record for NBA regular season wins. Many casual sports fans thinking “The NBA HAS a regular season?” ‪#‎only2monthsuntilfinals‬

Lots of fanfare for Kobe Bryant’s last game tonight. Probably just as well Bryant doesn’t have an heir apparent on the Lakers – might be too much to expect Kobe to pass anything, let along a torch.

 

‪#‎JakePeavy‬ started off the Giants game like a man who doesn’t want ‪#‎SF‬ Bay Area fans to have to decide between watching the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ & ‪#‎Warriors‬

Boston #‎RedSox‬ placed ‪#‎PabloSandoval‬ on the ‪#‎DL‬ with a left shoulder sprain. Possibly caused by too much repetitive motion with a fork?

#‎Braves‬ & ‪#‎Twins‬ play interleague games in July. So one of those teams will actually have to win games this ‪#‎MLB‬ season.

Not a good April to be an Braves fan. The team is winless, and for those who say, “cheer up, it could be worse,” Atlanta outfielder Hector Olivera was arrested after a woman at the Ritz Carlton just outside D.C. called 911 to say he had assaulted her. Yeah, it just got worse.

The Sacramento Kings will apparently fire George Karl as the 33-48 team will miss the playoffs again. Their next coach will be their 10th since 2006-07. Somewhere even George Steinbrenner is thinking “Jeez, show a little patience.”

 

AMC’s CEO said he is considering allow patrons to text during movies. Well, this should help speed up the process of getting EVERYONE to watch movies at home instead of in theaters.

Harvard’s oldest exclusive club, The Porcellian, which is all-male, said in a statement to the Crimson (student newspaper):
“Forcing single gender organizations to accept members of the opposite sex could potentially increase, not decrease the potential for sexual misconduct.”
‪#‎Speechless‬ But proving once again, IQ points are no guarantee against ‪#‎Cantfixstupid‬

Volvo has promised “death-proof” cars by 2020. So who needs a hospital when you’re sick – drive around in a Volvo and live forever?

Apparently the original Santana band is reuniting for the first time since 1973. So after 43 years they’ve either decided to let bygones be bygones…or they can’t remember why they broke up in the first place?

Ivanka Trump, blaming her inability to vote for her father on the state – “New York has one of the most onerous rules in terms of registration, and it required us to register a long time ago, almost — close to a year ago….(uh, actually you have to declare a party six months in advance.) Looks like the apple doesn’t whine far from the tree.

Many states’ voting rules seem designed to keep poor and uneducated people from voting. Kudos to New York for bucking the trend by apparently making it harder for rich and lazy people. ‪#‎Trumps‬

 

Congrats to Lynn Swann for getting the USC AD job. So what exactly are Swann’s qualifications though – he was a star Trojan football player and he hasn’t been arrested?

“Affluenza” teen Ethan Couch has been tentatively sentenced to a two-year jail term, although the judge gave Couch’s defense two weeks to make an argument for him to reconsider. Reconsider? As in maybe give him at least four years?-


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