Archive for the ‘sports jokes’ category

Impossible dreams?

October 24, 2016

After escaping with a 6-6 tie against Arizona, Seattle takes their nonexistent 2016 offense on the road to face the New Orleans defense. Which might prove an answer to the age old question: What happens when a resistible force meets 11 movable objects?

ESPN reports the Vikings got Sam Bradford from the Eagles for their 2017 1st round draft-pick plus a conditional 4th rounder in 2018. If however, Minnesota, makes the NFC championship game, the 4th round pick becomes a 3rd, BUT Philly would then have to send the Vikings 7th round pick.
This might be more complicated math than most football players ever took in college.

 

These London games mean on the West Coast you can wake up and already know your team has lost for the week. “And your point is?” say 49ers fans

 

#JameisWinston gets a 15 yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalty for arguing a spot on 3rd down Overly #crabby? #TBvsSF

So who was leaving Levi’s Stadium at a faster rate? Injured 49ers players, or disgusted 49ers fans? #TBvsSF

So can we officially go back to calling them the “Fourth and niners?”

GOP chair Reince Priebus on Trump “He is not willing to not concede if he loses and there’s no fraud.” Orwell would be proud. #doublespeak

 

Sheldon Adelson’s Las Vegas Review-Journal has become the first major newspaper to endorse Donald Trump. “He promises to be a source of disruption and discomfort to the privileged, back-scratching political elites for whom the nation’s strength and solvency have become subservient to power’s pursuit and preservation.”
Got to love a man who can rail against the “privileged back scratching elites” after he buys a newspaper.

 

 

While I don’t love trending Twitter hashtags, #TrumpBookReport was too good to pass up:

Helen of Troy, overrated, wouldn’t have been my first choice. But I hear King Menealus had very small hands. #trumpbookreport

 

Six days to create the world? Really? I could have done it in five, and done much better for Adam than Eve. Nasty woman. #trumpbookreport

 

Overrated nasty woman, if I led France it would have been best victory ever. I don’t like people who get burnt at stake. #TrumpBookReport

The seasons they are a changin’

October 22, 2016

Since the Indians won in 5 games there’s  was no  baseball Friday night.  Sad premonition of winter.

Although with a possible Chicago-Cleveland World Series, maybe we will have the first WS game called for snow?

 

NY Giants coach Ben McAdoo, on kicker Josh Brown, accused of repeated domestic violence against his ex-wife. “We’re not going to turn our back on Josh.” Hmm, based on the allegations seems like it’s women who should be careful not to turn their backs on him.

Notre Dame AD Jack Swarbrick says despite the Fighting Irish’s disappointing start, Brian Kelly “will lead this team out of the tunnel opening day next year.”
Of course, Swarbrick didn’t say if it would be as coach or highly-paid waterboy.

AT&T is apparently going to buy Time-Warner. Yeah, that breakup of the phone company in 1982 because they were too big and dominant has worked well.

Twitter, Amazon, Spotify and other sites were down today at times due to a major cyber attack. The horror. Millions of Americans in their offices were actually forced to work.

At first, the Trump and his campaign were a joke. But then when it looked like he had a real chance, many thought he would get serious. Then when he won the nomination, many thought he would get disciplined. Then when he began losing to Hillary Clinton, many thought he would get focused. And some STILL think that actually winning the Presidency would turn him into a statesman….
#Heiswhowethoughthewas

So was that #DDoS attack that took down #Twitter from Russia? As in maybe even #Putin thinking “STFU Donald, you’re kllling our chances?

For all those who are debate junkies (or just gluttons for punishment), and are worried about going through withdrawal – David Duke has just qualified in Louisiana to share the stage in the final Senate candidate debate.

The trial in the Trump University lawsuit begins Nov. 29. And Donald Trump’s lawyers want what he has said during the campaign to be excluded, saying the admission of such evidence would risk “irremediable prejudice” and a “waste of time.”
Just wondering, where do they think they will find an unbiased jury pool?

 

So now that we’ve run out of other important stuff to argue about in this election, we have Eric Trump, who apparently got a free water glass at In-and-Out Burger, and used it to steal lemonade. His father must be so proud of those baby steps.

Richard Branson said Donald Trump told him years ago that five people had not helped out with a bankruptcy and he was “going to spend the rest of his life destroying these five people.” Hmm, so is Donald really running for President or “Count of Monte Cristo?”

 

That moment when you realize that no joke you could possibly write will probably trump reality – as you hear that the Donald will be giving a major policy speech Saturday at Gettysburg.

 

From Marc Ragovin  “Curt Schilling said that Indians pitcher Trevor Bauer cost his team by “dicking around with a drone.” In response, Schiilling’s former ESPN Baseball Tonight partner Dan Schulman said, “Oh yeah, well I spent two years droning around with a dick”

(joke, not a real quote :))

 

 

Nasty women unite?

October 19, 2016

 

So a close call at the plate in the Dodgers Cubs game got millions of Americans outraged before debatenight even gets started.

Meanwhile the debate ended up being about as close as the NLCS Game 4 final score.

The @Indians might just be the best baseball team America has never heard of. @ALCS

 

All these people claiming  Trump is acting like a child clearly didn’t discipline their children enough.

Admittedly Hillary Clinton had a huge advantage tonight.  As a  woman she’s had years of experience keeping a straight face listening to men say crazy shit.

A major U.S. Presidential candidate just said that he “will look at it at the time” regarding accepting the result of election. It’s about time to set up wind turbines atop the graves of our Founding Fathers.

 

Okay, so who’s going to be the first to make & sell #nastywoman t-shirts?

“Why should you vote for me for President?” Because I will accept election results & am not bat-shit crazy. Hillary  Clinton .

Does Trump realize that with all the Senators he has offended they might not want to confirm his Supreme Court  nominees either?

Trump as  sure that Hillary  got women to step forward to accuse him as he is sure Russia has had nothing to do with hacking.

All across America millions of people sitting back, pouring large drinks & saying “Did he REALLY say that about election?”

Somewhere @AlecBaldwin is getting carpal tunnel syndrome as he frantically tries to keep up taking notes for this week’s #SNL #debatenight

Wouldn’t we all pay big $$$ to see #Wikileaks leak what #Trump‘s staff says about him behind HIS back?

 

“Donald thinks that belittling women makes him bigger.” Line of the night #YouGoGirl #YouGoMadamePresident

So can we call #DonaldTrump the first true Creamsicle Presidential Candidate? Orange on the outside, really white on the inside.

Ohio Gov. John Kasich today: “To say that elections are rigged and all these votes are stolen, that’s like saying we never landed on the moon. That’s how silly it is.” Wait for Trump tomorrow to tweet that the moon landing was a hoax.

Condi Rice was asked in an email by CNN’s KFILE if she has a response to Donald Trump in a 2006 speech when he said “Condoleezza Rice, she’s a lovely woman, but I think she’s a bitch”
Her response: “Exactly. Can’t wait until November 9!”
Not often I say this about Rice, but #YouGoGirl.

 

In a recent poll, 60 percent of Americans supported the legalization of pot. And 20 percent more probably responded “Dude, what was that question again?”

Kenyan-born #MalikObama got a front-row seat to debate. So @realDonaldTrump just using another immigrant to take something from Americans.

 

NFL ratings are down over 11% this year. Owners are scrambling to explain it with things like the Presidential election being a distraction. And it’s possible the concussion issue is turning people off. Or maybe America has figured out there are just a lot of lousy teams.

Dez Bryant says he cut two fingers on his hand slicing carrots for soup. Amazing. Who knew Dez Bryant cooked?

Forever young at heart?

October 17, 2016

The Nobel Prize committee says that five days after they awarded the Prize for literature to Bob Dylan, they have not yet heard from their newest laureate. Or maybe Dylan has responded and they had no idea what who he was or what he was saying?

The #Big12 today decided not to expand & will stay at 10 members. Why should conference confuse players with a tough concept like math?

Some references today to #ColinKaepernick being a “distraction” for @49ers. Because without him they would only have lost by 20 points?

Trevor Bauer, who cut himself repairing one of his drones,  was not allowed to wear even as much as a Band-Aid on his finger tonight while pitching. The stitches broke, resulting in Bauer having to leave, dripping blood, in the first inning.    Cleveland used a total of 7 pitchers, and kept the Blue Jays to 2 runs.

 

And that, #SFGiants fans, ladies and gentlemen, is a bullpen. #Indians #ALCS

Wonder many MLB teams are rushing to add “no drones during the season” into their contract  language..

The Los Angeles Dodgers apparently stayed at the Trump hotel in Chicago for their regular season series against the Cubs in May. But Adrian Gonalez, who is of Mexican descent, refused, saying  “I had my reasons.”

Darn, another Dodger I can’t root against.

 

Anyone but me really tired of pumpkin flavored everything?

 

Fox News’ Shep Smith has come out as gay. Shocking millions of Americans who thought he was already out.

 

At a Donald Trump rally in Wisconsin tonight the crowd started chanting “Paul Ryan sucks!” So is this how the Donald would propose to start his State of the Union speech?

Melania Trump said that Donald really didn’t mean the things he said to Billy Bush, but that Bush had “egged him on.” Well it’s a good thing that Putin, or Congress, would never egg Trump on while in office.

As an anonymous friend said ““My husband can’t throw footballs and grab pussies at the same time!”

Donald Trump  said #SNL should be cancelled & was “unfunny.” Uh, if unfunny on occasion was reason enough, SNL would have been cancelled years ago.

Women who have come forward about #Trump‘s groping them can take comfort, he didn’t mean it, he was just trying to impress #BillyBush.

Stages of grief?

October 12, 2016

So denial, then anger. Is the bargaining phase when we start rooting for #DustyBaker at least to get a ring? @SFGiants

 

What time is the game on tomorrow? Oh wait…. Yeah, baseball is designed to break your heart. #MLB #SFGiants

So in looking on bright side as #SFGiants fan, if #BlueJays make it to #WorldSeries we might get to watch #JustinTrudeau attend games.

#SFGiants going into late innings with 5 runs and a big lead does not appear to be a winning strategy. #NLDSGame4 #WorldSeries2002

Meanwhile, the San Diego Padres have fired their President after the team missed the postseason for the 10th straight year. So wonder who the next interim president will be.

Lebron James “In our locker room, they talk about sports highlights from the previous night, family and game strategy. what that guy was saying, that’s not — I don’t know what that is. That’s trash talk.”
It’s getting harder and harder to dislike King James.

The NFL is now penalizing players using Saints WR Brandin Cooks bow-and-arrow touchdown celebration, which he has always said was a sign of his faith in God. They say the gesture “mimics a violent act.”
A football league. “A violent act.”  And they said it with a straight face.

You can’t make this stuff up. Trump campaign manager KellyAnne Conway told GOP leaders who may be wavering in their support: “Enough of the pussyfooting around”
So was that supposed to be an attention grabbing comment?

The SF Chronicle reported that earlier this month Alaska AIrlines removed a passenger who was harassing a female flight attendant, saying things like “oooh, sexy,” during the safety demonstration. So did the guy think he was in a locker room or something?.

 

So I assume Russian hackers are only leaking emails from Democrats because Republicans never have said anything untoward in an email?

 

At a Florida rally, Donald Trump’s response after a woman fainted: “That woman was out cold, and now she’s coming back! We don’t go by these new – and very much softer – NFL rules. Concussions ‘Oh, you’ve got a little ding on the head. No, no, you can’t play for the rest of the season.’ Our people are tough.”
So let’s add NFL players and others who have suffered serious brain injuries to the list of people the Donald has taunted. Who had October 12 in the pool?

(My friend Linda points out, but if Hillary faints, she’s unfit for the Presidency.”)

 

Less than noble stuff in latest #wikileaks #PodestaEmails.  But I’m sure most of us never say or email anything we wouldn’t want on front page

 

Even #BIllCosby has to be looking at #Trump & saying “Are you kidding me?”

 

This Donald Trump sexual assault issue is rapidly becoming another “He said, she said, she said, she said, she said, story.:”

And no doubt the Trump campaign’s response will be to dredge up more allegations against Bill Clinton. When this election is over most of America will be ready for a good hot long shower….

 

 

From Marc Ragovin:  “Melania Trump announced today that Donald will no longer be in charge of assembling the grab bags for their son Baron’s upcoming birthday party”

Bluer than blue jays

October 9, 2016

And once again the #MLBPlayoffs are a great time for As fans to watch their ex-players shine

Tonight in a game that overlapped Presidential Debate #2, the Blue Jays finished off a sweep of the Rangers.   So how unfair is this…. Canada beats the U.S. at our own national pastime.  And they have Justin Trudeau?

At this point if it came out that #Trump actually had shot someone on 5th Avenue, his supporters would claim Hillary & Bill had shot more

After the O.J. trial, there was speculation that some of the jurors felt he was guilty, but they were so angry at the long-term behavior of the LAPD that they voted to acquit him. Watching some Trump supporters, who are so angry at the system, stick with him now feels a bit like that.

Hillary Clinton, on her husband “I hope people will accept his apology, as I have, and focus on the important issues facing our nation and the world.” How dare she defend the indefensible like that. Oh, wait, that was Melania. Never mind.

At this point number of women defending #Trump for leaked comments is about same as number of newspapers endorsing him.

#RudyGuiliani “The fact is that men at times talk like that. Not all men, but men do. ” Of course when Rudy does it he includes 9-11.

“It’s just words.” Can someone ask Trump how he would feel if someone , other than him, said those words about his daughter or wife?

So can we assume that all the men defending @realDonaldTrump on this comments talk the same way about women themselves?

So if @realDonaldTrump is somehow still elected will his Presidential library be the first to have an NC17 rating?

#JohnKasich “Our country deserves better.” Translation “I am available.”

So if all major newspapers not endorsing Trump hasn’t dented his support have to wonder if major politicians backing away will matter.

 

No handshake tonight. So congrats to the winners of tonight’s first prop bet. (Bet they didn’t get very good odds)

 

“Mommy, is this the scary clown we should be afraid of?” Children watching debate

Trump strategy is to count on fact that enough Americans hate Hillary they are willing to risk America’s future to see her in jail? #debate

 

Is there any woman watching Sunday’s debate who isn’t creeped out by Trump’s spacing and lurking around Hillary’s back?

 

If Hillary  Clinton should have had power to change tax code etc as a Senator, why didn’t Donald  Trump just run for Senate.

Hillary’s #basketofdeplorables is a sign of hate in her heart. Trump’s #grabherbythepussy is locker room banter. Got it. #sarcasm #debate

“It’s locker room talk” and I will defeat ISIS. Because I want a first crack at those 72 virgins. #Trump #debate

Trump brings up Bill Clinton’s past, now Hillary gets asked about her husband’s ACA comment.   And men wonder why women are pissed off?

 

“I know nothing about Russia.” Donald Trump should have stopped with the first three words.

 

Rumor @mike_pence considering asking to be removed from ticket? Fact we even question if rumor is true proves you can’t make this election up.

Guessing that most undecided Americans now want moderators @andersoncooper and @MarthaRaddatz to run for President.

 

No mound exit.

October 6, 2016

You do have to wonder how many shut out innings Madison Bumgarner was planning on pitching last night #SFGiants

Although, as the legend grows, Bumgarner reportedly to Gillaspie after 3-run home run top of 9th ” Conor, I appreciate the hell out of that.” #SFGiants

 

Nice tweet today   “Baseball has a way of ripping your ❤️ out, stabbing it, putting it back in your chest, then healing itself just in time for Spring Training.”

The tweeter?   Noah Syndergaard.

So are the ALDS teams even playing the same sport as the #Mets & #SFGiants played last night? #TORvsTEX #BOSvsCLE #notexactlypitchersduels

President Obama’s approval rating is up to 55%, the highest in his second term. No doubt because the longer this election season goes on, the more many Americans have decided they don’t want him to leave.

 

Waiting for #Trump to say if he were President he’d have a beautiful wall to protect USA from #HurricaneMatthew & Mexico would pay for it.

 

Florida Governor Rick Scott, reiterating an evacuation call for the state: ‘Do not surf. Do not go on the beach. This will kill you.”
He could also add “Beachgoers and surfers will automatically qualify for a Darwin award.”

Apparently a number of people are planning to stay put and try to ride #HurricaneMatthew out. On the brighter side for humanity, not only are they probable Darwin winners, these folks probably won’t be around to vote. #cantfixstupid

Although it’s from October 30, 2012, this tweet is real, from Donald Trump “Hurricane is good luck for Obama again- he will buy the election by handing out billions of dollars.”
#nocomment

Rush Limbaugh said this week of Hurricane Matthew predictions that the National Weather service, which is “part of the Obama administration.. might be playing games because it’s in the interests of the left to have destructive hurricanes because then they can blame it on climate change, which they can continue desperately continue trying to sell.”
#Wearegoingtoneedabiggerbasket

Who says he doesn’t care about average Americans? Donald Trump at a rally today:. “I don’t care how sick you are. I don’t care if you just came back from the doctor and he gave you the worst possible prognosis, meaning it’s over, you won’t be around in two weeks. Doesn’t matter. Hang out till November 8th. Get out and vote.”

Ok, for those who didn’t think #HurricaneMatthew was serious. The #SEC has actually cancelled the LSU Florida football game.

 

During a parliamentary debate in Noraway, Prime Minister Erna Solberg was reportedly seen on camera using her phone to play Pokemon Go. Well, it’s at least as productive as trying to repeal Obamacare for the 57th time.