Posted tagged ‘NFL preseason jokes’

Told by an idiot

August 24, 2014

Did Shakespeare envision NFL preseason football when he wrote “sound and fury, signifying nothing?”

A chef in China decapitated a rare Indochinese spitting cobra to make a snake soup, and the severed head bit him with a fatal dose of venom. Now that’s “Die Hard, with a Vengeance.”

 

Why there is no satire? A young woman who won the title of Miss Antioquia was stripped of her crown and kicked out of the Miss Colombia pageant after online pictures showed her in an overly skimpy bikini. As opposed to the skimpy bikini which she was supposed to wear in the pageant?

Bud Selig when asked about what he will do about Pete Rose “I’m going to do what I think is right.” What, no blue ribbon committee?

Congratulations to the Chicago Little League team for getting to the LLWS finals. Who knows if they can beat South Korea tomorrow. But Vegas already has them favored in a hypothetical matchup with the Cubs.

Minnesota scored 32 against Detroit in two games. Time for the Tigers to fire their defensive coordinator?

The Oakland Athletics are checking out the possibility of building a new stadium on their Coliseum site. Sounds good, but as far as where they play while they’re building, has anyone thought about holding off on pushing that plunger at Candlestick.

Bud Selig, dodging a question about Pete Rose. “You are always concerned about integrity. A sport without integrity is not a sport.” And over at the BCS they’re just giggling.

From my funny friend Jim Barach  – “A new app tells the user how much time they are spending on their smartphone. Which is probably too much if you need an app to tell you how much time you are spending on your smartphone.”

 

The Pentagon is complaining that in 2014 there have been at least 4 times that a Chinese warplane has buzzed U.S. military aircraft. The Chinese Defense Ministry said the criticism is “totally groundless.” Would they have preferred the US made Asian driver jokes?

 

 

 

Michael Sam sacked Johnny Manziel tonight. In what must have been a very tough moment for anyone who was both tired of Johnny Football’s act and a homophobe.

But was the sack enough to keep Michael on the team?  So that we can all write the headline  “Sam I Ram.”

 

Rainbow warriors?

August 8, 2013

You know, instead of boycotting the 2014 Sochi Olympics, the entire USA team could just walk in holding hands.

 

 

Today was the first day of the NFL preseason. Completely meaningless games in August. Making the whole country honorary Cubs fans.

 

Lebron James reported for jury duty this morning but was dismissed. Guess the judge didn’t want to risk turning the jury’s decision into a one-hour TV special.

 

Okay, it’s only preseason, but how lousy did the SF 49ers look tonight on offense? Some fans thought they were watching the SF Giants?

Dr. Sanjay Gupta comes out in support of medical marijuana: ‘We have been terribly and systematically misled.” If only Thomas Jefferson had grown marijuana along with tobacco. How different our “Bill of Rights” might have been?

NCAA president Mark Emmert said today that they will stop selling jerseys of college athletes, including those of Johnny Manziel, online: “We’re going to exit that kind of business immediately. I certainly understand how people can see that as hypocritical.” With all due respect Mr. Emmert, even Stevie Wonder could see that as hypocritical.

August 8 was “World Cat Day.” To which most cats respond “Isn’t EVERY day world cat day?”

I thought there was a major golf tournament this weekend but all I see in the news is this stuff about Tiger Woods having a bad round.

Family values alert: A Florida mother and daughter were arrested this week and will both face charges after soliciting “two-for-one” sex deals online. Your move, Arizona.

 

Anyone need any more proof on the unreliability of online rating services? Tripadvisor just rated New York as America’s fourth-best pizza town. Behind San Diego, Las Vegas and Boston.

 

Bus to hell time. Miami resident Derek Medina allegedly shot his wife to death this morning, and then posted a picture of her body on his Facebook page. Previously Medina’s only claim to fame was as the author of the e-book “How I Saved Someone Else’s Life and Marriage through Communication.”

From Bill Littlejohn,  “I hear that while at the University of  Florida, Riley Cooper made the Paula Deen’s List-“