Posted tagged ‘airline jokes’

Taking a ribbing?

October 16, 2015

Bevo XIV, a longhorn steer who was the University of Texas mascot, has died from bovine leukemia. But he still might be a part of a memorial BBQ in his honor.

In Houston, amazingly no one was killed and six workers have been rescued after scaffolding collapsed at an apartment construction site downtown. It was the worst collapse the city has seen except for the Astros bullpen.

An American Airlines flight was delayed in Dallas by a swam of over a 1,000 bees. On a brighter note, that’s the first time in recent memory the airline has generated serious buzz

United’s new CEO has been soliciting feedback on the carrier from customers. Now he is apparently in the hospital after suffering a heart attack. Hope this isn’t from the shock of seeing what people think of the airline.

Fox News terrorism pundit Wayne Simmons was arrested yesterday after a grand jury indicted him on charges of falsely claiming to have been a 27-year CIA operative. Shame grand juries can’t indict for falsely claiming to be a credible presidential candidate.

So the state of Nevada has at least temporarily outlawed FanDuel and DraftKing, saying that their games are gambling and need a license. So now the only way to gamble in Nevada outside of a casino remains the stock market.

A little side note on that ‪#‎Owusu‬ catch. Yes,there was a defensive pass interference flag. ‪#‎Stanford‬ declined the penalty.

The German football federation says allegations in Der Speigel that it used over 10 million Swiss francs to bribe FIFA members to get the 2006 World Cup are “completely baseless.” Do they mean the idea of bribes or the amount of money?

Even a mean, blind, deaf and dumb squirrel finds a nut once in a while: Westboro Baptist Church says that they will protest Kim Davis on Monday for her “adultery,” claiming that the county clerk is a “proud, self-righteous hypocrite.”

While he wasn’t arrested Browns’ QB Johnny Manziel was apparently pulled over earlier this week in Cleveland when witnesses saw him arguing with his girlfriend in a car. And Manziel admitted to drinking. So congrats to all those who had October 16 in the pool.

Joe Biden’s camp is indicating that the V.P. is close to deciding if he will enter the 2016 Presidential race. Even Brett Favre is saying “Dude, make up your effing mind.”

From T.C. ” Toronto Blue Jays fans pelted the field with objects after a controversial call went against them in game 5 of the ALDS. . Signs will be posted for their next game that patrons will be immediately ejected if they throw any beer cans, soda pop containers or Maple Leaf jerseys onto the field.”

Washed away

October 5, 2015

Oops. With “biblical” flooding in South Carolina, NBC’s weatherman Al Roker has now apologized for tweeting a selfie with him and his crew standing besides a flooded car. Guess it’s not just teenage girls who smartphones can make stupid.

The Supreme Court today denied to hear San Jose’s claim that MLB has illegally blocked the A’s attempt to move to the South Bay. Maybe the city would have done better if they framed the case as an issue of religious freedom. ‪#‎ibelieveinthechurchofbaseball‬

The CEO of Alaska said the airline lost his checked bag. And over at United they’re thinking “”For the first time? Amateurs.”

Yankees pitcher C.C. Sabathia has checked himself into alcohol rehab. Shocking. Not that an athlete goes to rehab, but he does it without being arrested first.

After the Saints OT win yesterday, Texas governor Greg Abbott said the Cowboys’ defense was “more porous than the Texas border.” Surprised he didn’t blame Obama.

Well, we now have the answer to the question – How are the ‪#‎Lions‬ going to screw up their chance to win tonight? ‪#‎MNF‬ ‪#‎DETvsSEA‬

So in close games in the 4th quarter should referees at CenturyLink Field just go ahead & put ‪#‎Seahawks‬ logo on their uniforms? ‪#‎DETvsSEA‬

American Apparel has filed for bankruptcy. American Apparel is still in business?

In Tennessee last Saturday, an 11-year-old boy shot and killed an 8-year-old neighbor when the girl wouldn’t let him play with her puppy. ‪#‎Ifonlyshewerearmed‬

So just wondering ,how long until even atheists in SF start calling for ‪#‎Tebow‬? ‪#‎SF49ers‬

Louisville men’s basketball coach Rick Pitino, doubling down on his denials of being aware of a former director of basketball operations paying escorts to have sex with players and recruits – “Not myself, not one player, not one trainer, not one assistant, not one person knew anything about any of this. If anyone did, it would have been stopped on a dime. Not one person knew anything about it.”

Not ONE person? Again I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat” better.

Edward Snowden now is telling the BBC that he’d “volunteered to go to prison with the government many times,” if he returns to the US but had not received a formal plea-deal offer. Guess it says something about life in Russia these days if an American jail is more appealing.

Last week it came out that the Libertarian candidate for Senate in Florida had sacrificed a goat, now he also admits that in a pagan ritual he drank its blood. Where are the defenders of religious freedom on this one?

From Marc Ragovin –  “After only four games, the Miami Dolphins have axed head coach Bill Philbin. I guess Philbin now sleeps with the fishes.”

And guest driving on the bus to hell, T.C.  “Who knew that CC Sabathia was really CC & Seven Sabathia?”

An American Airlines pilot died last night in the cockpit of a red-eye flight to Boston. You know you’re on the bus to hell when the first thing you think of is “Airplane” jokes.

Serious thought for a change:

Jerry Brown, a former Jesuit seminarian, signed a bill in California today to allow terminally ill people to end their lives. The Catholic church opposes the bill, and the Governor said did not know what he would do if he were dying and in pain.
“But,I am certain, however, that it would be a comfort to be able to consider the options afforded by this bill. And I wouldn’t deny that right to others.”

Sometimes I think it’s a real shame Moonbeam is too old to run for President.

Numbers game?

September 17, 2015

We don’t need no stinkin’ DH.  #SFGiants


Leaving aside the illegality of it, does Jeb Bush’s response of “Maggie Thatcher” for a woman to be on the $10 bill mean he can’t think of ONE worthy American woman? ‪#‎andhessupposedtobethesmartone

Jeb Bush tonight admitted to smoking marijuana 40 years ago, “other people might have done it but may not want to say it in front of 25 million people. My mom’s not happy that I just did.” Wow. Jeb smoked pot. And somewhere Barbara is thinking of his brother and just giggling.

Over 22 million people tuned into CNN’s debate last night. Well, if all it takes is an outspoken entertainer as part of the show to get people’s attention, can we include Jon Stewart or Bill Maher in the Democratic debate?

My friend Michael Powers noted this quote from Marco Rubio during the GOP debate: “These problems cannot be solved by intellect.”

Well, then that’s not an issue for most anyone who was on that stage.

Apparently Kobe Bryant’s torn rotator cuff has healed enough so that he has been cleared to participate in basketball activities. Well, and it’s not like he’ll need to use the shoulder to pass or anything.

American Airlines had a “technical issue” today that halted flights for about an hour at DFW, Miami, and O’Hare., their three main hubs.
How come it’s a “technical issue” when they have a problem, and at least a $200 change fee when YOU have a problem?


Bengals kicker Mike Nugent is upset about the NFL making the PAT attempt longer.: “I don’t like the rule because — I could be wrong — but I don’t know of any rules that have been changed to make guys fail more.”

Well, two things. 1. Making “guys fail more” IS exactly the point. 2. Any rules, well, let’s start with lowering the MLB mound in 1969. And then there’s moving the kickoff, and the goalposts, and, well, I am sure my friends and readers have a long list.

Anthony Weiner has lost his job he started in July at that fancy PR firm. So congrats to all those who had Sept 16 in the pool.

Ann Coulter is facing more than the usual bipartisan criticism after she tweeted during the GOP debate “How many f–ing Jews do these people think there are in the United States?” Maybe she forgot that one of those Jews is Sheldon Adelson?

Defensive lineman Jonathan Taylor has been dismissed from both Alabama and Georgia for a total of three arrests, two for domestic violence, Now Taylor has enrolled at Southeastern Louisiana and joined the football team. Well, a guy’s got to do something before he joins the NFL.

The Coolidge, AZ, City Council voted Monday to allow prayers before council meetings, including a stipulation that they be Christian. Where are the GOP defenders of freedom of religion on this one?

Pitcher Mat ‪#‎Latos‬ made much of hating ‪#‎SF‬. Can’t wait to hear what he says about LA, now that the ‪#‎Dodgers‬ have DFA’ed him.

Dude, where’s my plane.

September 13, 2015

American Airlines admitted they accidentally put the wrong planet on a Los Angeles – Honolulu flight.  It was a similar Airbus to the correct aircraft, but the model that flew Aug 31 was not certified to fly over the Pacific. Oops.  The mistake was noticed mid-air, the plane continued to Hawaii, but flew back empty of passengers.

Would have been more understandable maybe if the plane mix-up happened out of a state with legalized marijuana?

In Denver, a popular park and trail,, which is currently home to many foraging bears and their cubs, has been closed for two weeks because of too many people trying to take selfies with the animals.

Really?! Can’t we just open it again with the goal of culling the herd?  #cantfixstupid

A 29 year old man is in jail for possession of cocaine with intent to sell after he mistakenly started a weeks-long texting conversation with a police captain about drugs instead of his dealer. Do I even have to say this was Florida?

Drug experts say the number of meth labs in the Midwest is decreasing, but the void is being filled with an influx of cheap Mexican imports, according to experts. Waiting for GOP candidates to trump this as yet another example of immigrants taking high-paying American jobs.

Floyd Mayweather says after last night’s fight that he is retired. Maybe because after the last two lackluster fights, it’s unlikely that he’ll be offered millions rea$on$ to change his mind.

Vanessa Williams returned to Miss America as head judge Sunday night. Williams had won in 1984, then resigned after nude pictures of her were published in Penthouse. And these days people are thinking “naked photos in a magazine, how quaint.”

A small Alabama town is considering banning saggy pants, miniskirts and short shorts in public. Is that really necessary? A possible ban on spandex at Disney World…. now we’re talking.

#‎Trump‬ continues personal insults to every other GOP candidate. Has he realized if he gets the nomination he does need a running mate?

Two of the Rams, Chargers and Raiders may end up in Los Angeles. Today Oakland played as if their defense against such a move was being a team no other city wants.

Raiders Coach Jack Del Rio  “At some point you’ve just got to start playing good football.”   And Redskins fans are just giggling.

#‎SFGiants‬ probably won’t make the playoffs. But betting they’re now glad they didn’t give away the store for Johnny ‪#‎Cueto‬.

Even though the number of police who have been shot is actually down 26% this year, Scott Walker is blaming President Obama: “I think his absence of leadership… not speaking out about this rhetoric out there…” has contributed to police being killed.
Just wondering, why don’t Walker, and others, blame an absence of leadership from say, gun rights activists and conservatives, in contributing to hate crimes against minorities?


September 9, 2015

Donald Trump, Ted Cruz and Sarah Palin hold anti-Iran deal rally in DC. Good thing there wasn’t a bomb or drone strike or any natural disaster that happened while they were together. If they were all killed it would put half the comedy writers in the country out of business.

Trump, Cruz and Palin walk into a bar.    Okay friends and readers, I am soliciting punchlines!   Have at it.

George Takei today – “In our country we obey civil laws, not religious laws.” Exactly. And for our forefathers, wasn’t that the whole point?

Love British understatement: In an email to travel agents, British Airways says of yesterday’s scheduled BA 2276 – “the aircraft, a 777-200, experienced a technical issue as it was preparing for take-off from McCarran International Airport in Las Vegas.”

Bishop’s Vineyard, a new winery in California, is growing grapes in cemeteries. Guessing the Chardonnay is bone-dry..

In Connecticut, police pulled over a man allegedly going 112 mph. The driver was heading to court for a speeding ticket. This BOGO craze has clearly gone too far.

Congrats to Queen Elizabeth 2, who today surpassed Queen Victoria as England’s longest reigning monarch. Assuming her plan at this point is simply to outlive her son.

Bruno Mars has been invited back for a second Super Bowl halftime performance. But Mars has a long way to go to catch up with those legendary five-time performers, “Up with People.”

The New England Patriots have asked the NFL to reinstate “Deflategate” clubhouse attendants John Jastremski and Jim McNally. In other words, the balls just deflated themselves. #patriotscandonowrong

Richard Sherman, on ESPN reports of the Patriots’ systemic cheating. “Like they say, if you didn’t get caught, then it wasn’t cheating.”
Kind of makes you wonder what the Seahawks are up to.

#‎TimHudson‬, 40. despite last night’s great performance, still plans to retire at end of year. “So young?” responded ‪#‎JamieMoyer‬. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

Meanwhile, this ‪#‎SFGiants‬ road trip, especially their hitting, turned into a series of remakes of “Night of the Living Dead.”

Jeb Bush on the new Late Night with Stephen Colbert said “we have to restore a degree of civility in Washington.” And somewhere Obama is thinking “been there, tried that, want the bloody t-shirt?”

Fortunately, there were no injuries when a fire broke out today at Walt Disney World’s EPCOT. On the bright side, it’s the hottest EPCOT has been in years.

-Just a thought about Donald Trump’s telling CNN to donate their debate profits to veterans. Veterans?! . Ok, so for Trump does that include alums of his prep school?

(earlier this week Trump basically compared his expensive military prep school to military service.)

Donald Trump wants CNN to donate $10 million to charity for his participation in the debates. I think all the networks should get together and demand $100 million from Trump for giving him more publicity these days than his “Apprentice” show ever did.

Now Entertainment Weekly is reporting that Josh Duggar also had accounts on Facebook, Twitter and OK Cupid for meeting women. So now that Kim Davis is “free”, really looking forward to hearing from Mike Huckabee on this one.

No trophies wanted for this participation.

August 21, 2015

And the first nomination for the best creative excuse for an Ashley Madison account goes to Jason Dore, who is the GOP Executive Director in Louisiana.  He told a New Orleans paper he created this account to do “opposition research.”

“#‎Madbum‬ to ‪#‎MarlonByrd‬. “Welcome to San Francisco, just don’t get any ideas about being the #1 power hitter in the clubhouse ‪#‎SFGiants‬

The oldest ever message in a bottle, tossed into the water in the early 1900s, has finally washed up on a German Island. Along with the message the bottle contained a Jamie Moyer rookie card.

Chase Utley, Starlin Castro, Yadier Molina.. three of a long list of MLB players this year who have fewer home runs than Madison Bumgarner. (‪#‎Madbum‬ tonight hit his 5th.)

So for all the expensive contracts the LA Dodgers picked up in trade this season, apparently one they missed for was for a guy making the $512.500 MLB minimum – Mike Fiers. ‪#‎nohitter‬

Megan Fox has filed for divorce. Women think – “that’s sad.” Men think – “she’s available!”

Increasing controversy over the topless painted women in Times Square. Not sure what will happen in the long term. But short term… guessing a lot more visitors to Times Square.

North Korea says “We’re in a ‘quasi-state of war’ .” Makes sense, North Korea is kind of a “quasi-state.”

Oops, Netflix announced that workers were going to get up to a year of paid maternity-paternity leave. Now it comes out that the 450 employees in their DVD division are excluded. Shocking. Netflix still HAS a DVD division?!

And airlines wonder why we don’t trust them. A 11ami flight from SF to Honolulu is over an hour late today because of a “late arriving aircraft.” Fair enough. Except that late flight, from Chicago, was DUE to arrive at SFO at 1134am.

United couldn’t just say, “we swapped planes because something broke or we needed a plane elsewhere?” Nah, that would be too straightforward.

Former USC QB Ricky Town, who has chosen to transfer to Arkansas, told ESPN he left in part because of the Trojans’ “offensive system.” Probably more precisely because he wasn’t a part of it.

Bill Littlejohn, regarding Bengals DB Pacman Jones saying he’d have $100 million if not for suspensions: “He’d have $200 million if not for strip clubs.”

Troubled water?

August 12, 2015

In an effort to conserve water, Los Angeles poured almost 100,000 four-inch black plastic “shade” balls over their reservoir. So the city doesn’t have the Raiders yet, but the “black hole” is ready

This Donald Trump-Megyn Kelly back and forth bickering is getting so bad, you’d think they used to be married to each other.

So since Fox News got such kudos for the tough questions at the first GOP debate, clearly the pressure is on CNN for October with the Democrats. And since he’s not doing anything, can I suggest as a moderator Jon Stewart?

Billy Joel, 66, and his wife Alexa, 33, have welcomed their first child, Della Rose. Wonder how long until Billy and Della can compete in their first father-daughter diaper derby.

Uzbekistan Airways says they will start weighing passengers at the airport, and on some flights they may need to “exclude” larger passengers. U.S airlines are no doubt studying the idea, not to exclude heavier travelers but to charge them extra.

Not that it affects me anymore, but what is this “back-to-school” crap in mid-August? Used to be Labor Day. Seems un-American to make kids go to class in the summer. ‪#‎justsayin‬


Donald Trump said that when Bernie Sanders let ‪#‎BlackLivesMatter‬ protesters take his microphone that Sanders “showed that he’s weak.” As opposed to the Donald himself whose mantra is simply ‪#‎MyLifeMatters‬.

The Buffalo Bills have claimed IK Enemkpali off waivers after he was released by the Jets for punching Geno Smith. Guess coach Rex Ryan just wants to make sure he has one defender who can hit?


An ESPN poll of more than 100 currently players found that 72% believe that Brady and the Patriots deflated footballs, but only 58% DON’T believe the Patriots cheat. Translation, sounds like there are a lot of teams messing with balls.

An SF 49ers season ticket holder is suing the team over a new policy which makes it harder on fans trying to sell unused tickets by requiring most sales to go through Ticketmaster.

Wonder how long it might take for 49ers season ticket holder to sue the team over it being harder to sell unused  tickets because of the product on the field.

Major layoffs have started with the Kraft-Heinz merger. Hope Heinz 57 isn’t a goal for remaining number of employees.


Seriously hoping for the best for ‪#‎JimmyCarter‬.. Absolutely our best ex-president. No joke.


Lots of accolades for former President Jimmy Carter today after his cancer announcement. But for those who just think Habitat for Humanity and vague do-good human rights stuff, four words – google “Carter guinea worm.”


From Bill Littlejohn, “So now, we have a wild controversy involving Donald Trump and Megyn Kelly of Fox News.With all of that hairspray involved, shouldn’t the NFL also be investigating a helmet-to-helmet collision.”


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