Posted tagged ‘airline jokes’

What a long strange trip it’s been…

June 27, 2015

A crowd of over 70,000 turned up for the Grateful Dead concert tonight in Santa Clara, California, including many original “Deadhead” fans from the 60s, 70s and 80s, Hope these graying fans weren’t too disappointed when they finally hear how bad the band sounded without benefit of drugs.

In Las Vegas this morning the longest odds on any baseball team winning today was for the Miami Marlins without Giancarlo Stanton against the Los Angeles Dodgers with Clayton Kershaw on the mound ‪#‎thatswhytheyplaythegame‬.  (final score, 3-2 Marlins)

But really? One of the “top stories” headlines on USAToday.com today is “Stanton injury a crushing blow for fantasy owners.” As opposed to a blow to the Marlins, Marlins fans, or baseball fans in general who just like to watch a great player?

Meanwhile, there needs to be a constitutional amendment banning the wave at A T and T Park. ‪#‎sfgiants‬. ‪#‎thehorror‬

 

 

A Kuwait Airlines plane from New York to Kuwait was forced to make an emergency landing at Heathrow this morning, allegedly because passengers on board had food poisoning. Surely this can’t be serious. It is serious, and don’t call me Shirley…..

I wanted the Confederate flag down at the South Carolina statehouse as much as anyone. But removing Civil War games because they have images of the flag? Seems a bit too uncomfortably close to banning the “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn” because of the language.

Bill Cosby’s lawyer is arguing that it would be “terribly embarrassing” for the comedian if documents from a 2005 sex-assault lawsuit were unsealed. And his point is?

And of course Donald Trump had to weigh in on the SCOTUS gay marriage decision – “Once again the Bush appointed Supreme Court Justice John Roberts has let us down. Jeb pushed him hard! Remember!” Well, yeah, because the Donald believes in traditional marriage so much he’s had three of them.

(as a few friends pointed out… Roberts dissented.  It’s this kind of attention to detail that should make Trump such a formidable candidate…. for comedy writers at least.)

30 years later there’s going to be a “Top Gun 2,” with Tom Cruise reprising his role as “Maverick.” So now he’ll be “ridin’ into the danger zone” with his left blinker on.

 

Bristol Palin’s ex-fiance, Dakota Meyer, had a rhetorical post asking why with three deadly ISIS/ISIL terrorist attacks this week, people are so interested in a “dog and pony show” that is “inconsequential compared to that which is truly relevant.”

Unfortunately for Mr. Meyer, it may be precisely because the “real” news is so awful sometimes, that people are interested in something ridiculous, even if it isn’t amusing to the parties involved. And also in Bristol’s case, because we like seeing Karma in mean bitch mode.

 

 

 

 

From my SF Giants fan friend Mike Pettengill: “After 76 games:

Pablo Sandoval – 24R + 65H + 6HR + 24RBI + .270Avg + 10E = $17.6m
Matt Duffy – 27R + 63H + 7HR + 36RBI + .294Avg + 6E = $509,000″

Not going to the chapel….

May 18, 2015

Sarah Palin just announced today that her daughter Bristol’s May 23 wedding to Dakota Meyer “will not be held.” Amazed she didn’t blame the break-up on all these gay marriages.

(Or maybe someone didn’t want to make a cake for an unwed mother?)

Generalissmo Francisco Franco and the Clippers are still dead.

 

Lindsey Graham says he will announce his 2016 Presidential plans on June 1. As soon as he finds an appropriate closet from which to make the announcement?

The Miami Marlins fired their manager Mike Redmond and hired GM Dan Jennings for the job. Who last coached 30 years ago- and it was a high school team.. Makes some sense. The Marlins are a pretty sophomoric franchise.

That biker bar shootout in Waco alas proved once again, that as much as we may fear outside terrorists, we Americans are pretty good at killing each other.

(and if we’re going to really profile people in Texas.   Almost all those 170 mugshots were… white men.)

 

 

 

Charlie Weis, who was fired from both Notre Dame and Kansas, is in line to make more than $24 million from both schools AFTER he was terminated. Hmm, well, if this football thing doesn’t work out maybe Weis would be a good fit as Carly Fiorina’s campaign manager?

 

So I would take the defenders of religious freedom much more seriously if some of them would start defending the right of bakery owners not to make wedding cakes for ANY winners of ‪#‎TheBachelor‬ or ‪#‎TheBachelorette‬.

 

Some people seem to have a problem with Ruth Bader Ginsburg exercising her beliefs by performing same sex marriages. Wonder where they were when Antonin Scalia spoke at Colorado Christian University and said the separation of church and state doesn’t mean “the government cannot favor religion over non-religion…”

 

Justin Smith is the latest 49er to retire. Will the last SF star to leave Levi’s Stadium please turn out the lights?

 

Cincinnati RB Jeremy Hillatch on the Bengals’ need to get to the next round of the playoffs “It’s been four years in a row and if it doesn’t happen this year then it’s probably never going to happen.” Or maybe the team will have to change their name to the Cincinnati Cubs.

A report says the Buffalo Bills may cut QB EJ Manuel if he doesn’t improve. So sounds like another potential rider on the Jets’ clown car.

Spectacular. Mailed a small first class package from Los Altos, CA to Winter Park, FL last Monday. It got to San Francisco on Tuesday, left SF on Wednesday, and arrived into ANCHORAGE, AK on Sunday. It apparently left Anchorage today, bound for who knows where.

Who knew the U.S. Post Office was hiring former airline baggage handlers?

Two more BASE jumpers were unfortunately killed after attempting an illegal jump last weekend at Yosemite. Now, I’m not and have never been an “extreme athlete” and not even sure what the acronym “BASE” stands for. But it seems reasonable that the “S’ is for “Stupid.”

And in case you’re a regular reader and wondering, or you’ve stumbled on this blog with Google. Yep, Jerry Hough is my dad.  I learned to drive the “bus to hell” by myself. But now you probably know where I got the un-PC gene. :-)

Close to losing but no cigar?

May 9, 2015

The Washingon Wizards‬ won Saturday despite squandering a bigger lead today faster than Hillary Clinton in the 2008 Presidential Primaries. ‪#‎WizHawks‬

The VTA (Valley Transportation Authority) in Santa Clara County, Northern California, claims that they are having to spend $3 million extra on extra trains and buses for events at Levi’s Stadium, especially 49ers games, which have had huge lines going home.

Maybe one bright side of the upcoming season will be less crowding since a lot more SF fans will be probably leaving in the 3rd quarter.

 

 

The Alabama House passed the “Tim Tebow Act” this week, which allows home-schooled children to play sports at public schools.
“We are a group of citizens of the great state of Alabama lobbying for our state public education establishment to allow homeschooled students equal access to sports and extracurricular activities.”

Translation, religion/schmelgion, if it leads to potential championships and Heisman winners, we don’t even care if athletes are raised by Wiccans.

Yasiel Puig, due to come off the DL this week, has apparently reaggravated his hamstring injury. The Dodgers play the Giants starting May 19. Which could set up a quandry for SF fans. Who do we most boo?

As we await Roger Goodell’s decision on Tom Brady, anyone doubt if this had been say, the Raiders, there wouldn’t have been multiple suspensions by now?

Yahoo is suing an ex-employee for allegedly revealing company secrets last year to a writer for his book. This is really shocking. Yahoo has any worthwhile secrets?!

 

A spoof news site, Newslo, ran a story on that Baltimore mom who grabbed her son and pulled him out of the riots, title “Child Protective Services Launch Investigation on Baltimore Mom Who Hit Son,” with the fake quote “although her actions are somewhat understandable, we cannot allow a young man to suffer such violence and abuse, regardless of the cause.”

And some regular media picked the story up as true. The scary thing, these days it wouldn’t be that surprising if it WERE true.

San Francisco has banned chewing tobacco in sports venues starting Jan 1, 2016. John Shea in the SF Chronicle quotes one anonymous Giant as asking “But you can smoke weed?”

The USGS says the Dallas, TX area has has over 40 small earthquakes (magnitude 2.0 or higher) in 2015. How long until Ted Cruz blames this on Obama?

Jeb Bush at Liberty University blasted the Obama administration’s “use of coercive federal power” to limit religious freedom. I’d take him a lot more seriously if Jeb was also okay with defending religious freedom for non-Christians….

Congrats to Bryce Harper, who has hit 6 home runs in 3 days. Although this does bring up the question, why the heck is anyone throwing him strikes?

Paul Pierce wins a game at the buzzer that the Wizards had done their best to squander. Impressive. Given his age and skills Pierce is almost old enough to be offered a free agent contract by the Spurs.

A NJ woman has filed a $5 million class-action lawsuit against United Airlines, saying she was misled when she paid $7.99 for four hours for DirectTV-wifi service that only worked for 10 minutes. But the airline says the service only works over the continental U.S. and she was flying to Puerto Rico. Maybe the one she should be suing is her geography teacher.

Oh say can you speed it up?

April 27, 2015

While MLB is focusing on pace-of-game issues, maybe they should consider also fining National Anthem singers who add several syllables to one-syllable words?

 

The NFL draft is Thursday. DE Shane Ray, a probable first round pick, was cited early this morning in Missouri for a traffic violation and marijuana possession. So should part of the job for a really good sports agent be to lock these kids in a room for the week prior to the draft? ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

A Fox News poll found that 51% of Americans say to legalize marijuana, and 48% say to legalize gay marriage. Of course, with legalized marijuana the same-sex marriage tolerance might go up “Whatever, dude, will they offer me some of their wedding cake?”

Having this sense that had Bruce Jenner gone to Nepal for a spiritual retreat before his sex-change operation that the Internet would have exploded by now….

Kim Kardashian said in a “Today” interview that while she doesn’t fully understand her stepfather, she supports him “100%” in his plan to transition to a woman soon. Preferably no doubt as soon as possible so Bruce stops taking headlines from her and Kanye?

Apparently DUI charges against former Seminole P.J. Williams, who is projected to go early in next month’s NFL draft, have been dropped. The Florida D.A. has decided there was insufficient evidence to charge him. Am sure the fact Williams was arrested by the FSU Police Department has nothing to do with this.

Jeb Bush told donors that his Super PAC could hit the $100 million mark in fundraising this month. And told reporters on the same day “I don’t think you need to spend $1 billion to be elected President of the U.S. in 2016.” What, so Jeb thinks you need to spend $2 billion?

Both the Kentucky Derby and Wimbledon have banned selfie sticks this year. Or they could just allow the sticks, and ban the people carrying them. #enoughalready

 

The NCAA is apparently leaning towards reducing the shot clock from 35 to 30 seconds for men’s basketball. Maybe because they don’t want to confuse all these “one-and-dones” with higher math?

So what was the difference between the Toronto Raptors and the Toronto Maple Leafs this year? About a week.

Apparently a brawl, with punches thrown, broke out on a flight from Heathrow last night over legroom. It was on a flight to Muscat, Oman, and a man was arrested upon landing. Surprised it didn’t happen on a flight to the U.S. Of course American carriers would have charged another passengers an entertainment fee to watch.

(From my friend Matt Goldberg, “No Muscat Love on that flight.” )

Apparently representatives from Nevada have been to Colorado to see how recreational marijuana legalization is going. I can see that. Vegas needs more ways to loosen people’s inhibitions.

 

 

 

From Alex Kaseberg “A headline reads ‘Bush leads Clinton in Polls.’ What was the headline below that? ‘E-mails might replace Faxes’?”

It’s about time?

April 16, 2015

Too easy but someone’s got to do it. The Apple Watch, scheduled to be in stores April 24, now won’t be there until June. Isn’t the first function of a watch to be on time?

Chris Christie Tuesday said if elected President that he would enforce federal law against states that have legalized marijuana. “I will crack down and not permit it.” Whatever happened to small government “states’ rights” conservatism?

Guessing whatever electoral map the New Jersey Governor has in his head never included California, Washington and Colorado?

A West Virginia woman is suing Walt Disney Corporation, claiming that the company somehow inserted a rubber chip in her body without her consent. Really, does she expect to convince a judge or jury that Disney does ANYTHING for free?

 

So last year United Airlines took away free alcohol on international flights in coach Now they’re announcing that as of June 1 they’re offering free beer and wine to international economy class passengers. Kind of the airline equivalent of doubling prices before a “Buy one get one free” sale.

Washington State Auditor Troy Kelley has been indicted on tax-evasion charges. You’d think if nothing else he’d have been smart enough not to get caught.

So with the Warriors having the best record in the NBA, and the Spurs having the best record over the past few weeks, Vegas has of course made the favorite to win the championship – the Cavaliers. Well, makes sense, they are the closest team to the East Coast.

Toronto-based Ashley Madison is going public but in England. Going to to be interesting to see how many people buy stock who will swear they never use the website.

Really? Rush Limbaugh and others are attacking Hillary Clinton for not tipping at Chipotle, and for not introducing herself and mingling with other customers. So a- how many of these folks tip at fast food restaurants, and b- if she HAD gone in and started talking to customers, Clinton would have been accused of disrupting normal Americans’ lunch for a photo op. ‪#‎canweactuallytalkaboutissues‬?

If she had left a $20 she’d have been criticized for trying to buy votes. #cantwin

The NBA playoffs are starting. But to put in perspective how crazily long the process is, if baseball used the same format, the World Series “Fall Classic” could end in December.

The D.A in the Aaron Hernandez case said “the fact that he was a professional athlete meant nothing in the end.”. True, but had Hernandez not been an athlete they’d have locked him up and thrown away the key a long time ago. Instead of after a months long trial with the best defense money could buy.

 

#‎BruceBochy‬ turned 60 today. As the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ and ‪#‎DBacks‬ game goes into the 12th, right about now he’s got to be feeling 70.

Some of the younger generation may find it hard to imagine travelling without cellphones. But just as hard to imagine now travelling with luggage without wheels.

A horse on a horse, of course, of course.

April 13, 2015

MLB: Colorado Rockies at San Francisco Giants

Of course, the way things went, the SF Giants might have had better luck scoring if they were playing polo.

 

Even though some may think that three World Series rings in five years is getting old, it’s important to remember. The Chicago Cubs won back-to-back World Championships in 1907-08. ‪#‎SFGiants‬ ‪#‎carpediem‬

 

Tom Brady bounced his opening day pitch at Fenway Park today. But to be fair, the Patriots don’t have a Marshawn Lynch equivalent Brady could have handed the ball to.

 

Maybe the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ are having a hard time batting with all those rings on their fingers?

Meanwhile, the first Monday night baseball game of the season will feature the Yankees vs the Orioles. Guess those three nationally-televised games against the Red Sox didn’t give the Bronx Bombers enough exposure?

Barry Bonds has spoken up in support of A-Rod and says he doesn’t know why baseball and the Yankees aren’t celebrating his milestones. Now, I am NOT a fan of Alex Rodriguez, but baseball’s attitude to him is a bit like Dr. Frankenstein complaining about someone building a monster. ‪#‎chicksdigthelongball‬

 

Yeah, I know, “Anything can happen.” But does anyone really care who gets the 8th seed in the NBA Eastern conference?

Marco Rubio is the latest entrant into the 2015 Presidential race. Two candidates now from Florida. Better make that clown car a convertible.

An Alaska Airlines flight had to make an emergency landing to rescue an employee who got stuck in in the cargo hold (which was at least pressurized.) The airline has stated this incident was a complete aberration, and not a test to see how it might work in future to transport passengers on their lowest fares.

So apparently that Alaska Airlines employee who was trapped in the cargo hold fell asleep in there. Asleep?! Really?! United Airlines is now trying to figure out how many “comfortable bed” tickets they can sell in cargo.

 

Another headline today about 100 people sick on a cruise ship, this time the Celebrity Infinity, which holds over 2,000 passengers plus over 1,000 crew. So 100 out of about 3,000 people. That’s much better odds for avoiding vomiting etc than most people get on say, spring break.

From Bill Littlejohn,  Apparently Wisconsin basketball coach Bo Ryan caused quite a stir with his post-NCAA Tournament “rent-a-player” comment. Now the Oakland A’s are considering suing for trademark infringement.”

 

 

 

 

What’s in a word?

March 22, 2015

So ‪#‎Wisconsin‬ survives to challenge the ‪#‎NCAA‬ stenographer for at least another day. ‪#‎MarchMadness‬ ‪#‎antidisestablishmentarianism‬

 

(And if you haven’t read aboutf the Badgers and the Stenographer, here’s the link. Might be the best non-Georgia State story of the tournament – http://espn.go.com/blog/collegebasketballnation/post/_/id/105479/nigel-hayes-and-his-wisconsin-teammates-are-fascinated-by-the-ncaa-stenographer)

Stanford vs Rhode Island tonight in the NIT. Many Cardinal fans tuned in, if only for the memories and replays of a game that actually mattered. “And he was FOULED!”

 

 

Stanford holding up ‪#‎Pac12‬ honor in the “Not in Tournament.” So what’s better-worse? Another potential NIT banner? Or being knocked out in the first round of the NCAA’s.

Ted Cruz apparently will announce his candidacy for the Presidency Monday, skipping the usual step of an “exploratory committee.” Well, makes sense. “Exploratory” sounds too much like science.

Jerry Brown said today that U.S. Senator Ted Cruz’ is “unfit” to run for President. It’s actually a birther thing. Cruz was born stupid.

A 46 year old woman was arrested after allegedly stripping on a British Airways flight from Jamaica to London, and then according to the UK Mirror “performing a solo sex act.” Men across the world have one reaction – “Where is the video?”

NY Yankees are advertising individual game tickets against the “best of the American League”. Translation “which in 2015 will not be us.”

In Cottonwood, Arizona, eight police officers and a Walmart employee were assaulted in the store parking lot. Two suspects were shot, one fatally, and seven others were arrested. According to a police spokesman, the suspects are all related. ‪#‎Familyvalues‬ Your move, Florida.

Bloomsburg (Pa.) University dismissed one of their best hitters after he posted a offensive tweet about Mo’ne Davis. (He used the four letter S word that is only marginally better than the four letter C word.)

But okay, once again, the guy is not being dismissed so much for being a sexist pig, but for being idiotic enough to tweet it. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

John McCain, on CNN, dismissing what “Bibi Netanyahu said during an election campaign.” “If every politician were held to everything they say during a campaign, obviously that would be a topic of long discussion.”

Right, like saying that Sarah Palin was qualified to be President?


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