Posted tagged ‘airline jokes’

Stirring the pot.

August 28, 2014

Dodgers LF Scott Van Slyke sprained his ankle yesterday night while playing in Arizona, and claimed it was because “They’ve got bad grass here.” Dude!   You want good grass, sign with the Colorado Rockies.

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Athletic director Pat Haden says USC officials vetted Josh Shaw’s story 12 times. Who was in charge of the investigation, O.J. Simpson? And is he still looking for the real hero?

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It’s midnight. Does anyone know where Josh Shaw’s latest story on his injury is?

 

Five Easy Pieces moment in Palo Alto: Wanting a glass of sparkling wine while waiting for a table at Delfina. Not on the menu. But but they have a Bellini. Asked nice young man if they could do prosecco. “He didn’t know what prosecco was but said no. Asked what was in Bellini. He checked and said, “peach and prosecco.” Okay, can you do prosecco? “No.” Alas, a woman coworker who overheard overruled him before I got to ask for the “Bellini, hold the Peach.”

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USC CB Josh Shaw was suspended indefinitely for lying to explain an injury, now senior RB Anthony Brown quit the Trojans saying “Can’t play for a racist MAN!!!!!”” And just guessing somewhere that Lane Kiffin is cackling.

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46 batters retired in a row. A major league baseball all-time record for Yusmeiro Petit. Your move, Kershaw? #Dodgers #SFGiants

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Vikings star RB Adrian Peterson apparently told Dallas owner Jerry Jones he would like to play for him and the Cowboys. Quick, check Peterson for concussions.

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Apple apparently will unveil iPhones with bigger screens next month. So at least when people look at their screens while walking and driving they won’t have to squint as much.

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An internal GOP poll shows that most women are “barely receptive” to Republicans and believe they are “stuck in the past.” Which no doubt will motivate many in the party – to try to repeal the 19th amendment.

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Roger Goodell, citing precedent for his two-game suspension for Ray Rice, has now announced that the NFL will suspend players and personnel six games for domestic violence, with a lifetime ban from the league for a second offense. So if it’s about precedents and rules, should the league put in writing what a first offense ban might be for say, actually killing someone?

 

An American Airlines flight from Miami to Paris was diverted to Boston over an argument over a passenger reclining his seat. If this keeps happening presumably airlines will try to prevent such issues, by making all seats non-reclining.

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Obama said at a press conference today that “we don’t have a strategy yet’ in Syria. Critics are furious, they want the President to spell out what he intends to do so they can say it is wrong.

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Joan Rivers is apparently in a medically induced coma after she stopped breathing during throat surgery. In her honor assume other comedians will rush to make inappropriate jokes?

 

 

From Alex Kaseberg. ” In Malibu, 50-year-old surfing legend, Laird Hamilton, rescued a surfer from drowning. Immediately afterward, Hamilton was offered a spot on the USC football team.”

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From T.C.  “Texas  A&M QB Kenny Hill passed for 511 yds and broke Johnny Manziel’s single game passing record tonight. In related news, the patent office says that the name Kenny Football has not yet been copyrighted.”

 

Hold that plunger?

August 6, 2014

The Oakland A’s have apparently approached an architect about building a new stadium on their current Coliseum site. Which would presumably mean the team would need an alternate location for a year or two. Considering how well their relations with the SF Giants have been going have the A’s thought about asking for a hold on that demolition of Candlestick?

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Dan Snyder sensitivity award for the day goes to former Washington kicker Mark Moseley. Who says of the team name – “No red men have said anything derogatory to me about it.”

(my dad suggests changing the name to the “Washington Americans.”   As a way to offend everyone.)

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Jack Nicklaus on Rory McIlroy: “I think Rory has an opportunity to win 15 or 20 majors… But you just don’t know what the guy’s priorities are going to be in life 10 years from now.” Possible translation, “can he keep it zipped?”

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The director of “Frozen” will adapt “A Wrinkle in Time” for Disney. Mostly a cool thing. A whole new generation will learn about a “Tesseract.” And would like to see what Disney does with the Mrs. Ws, the Happy Medium, and Aunt Beast. But they’d better not turn Meg into a princess!

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No injuries were reported when a United flight from Newark to Brussels made an emergency landing after a small fire in the galley. Shocking. A U.S. airline still actually cooks something in their galley?

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The odds are out for NFL Week 1 Preseason games. And if you really care, you just might have a gambling problem.

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The #SJSharks and #LAKings will match up at Levi’s Stadium Feb 21 for the first outdoor NHL game in Northern California. But wouldn’t a more appropriate venue have been Candlestick Park?.

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While on a panel with Roger Goodell, John Madden said that he did not think 6, 7 and 8 year olds should be playing tackle football. But Goodell responded that HE had started playing tackle football when he was 7. Might explain a lot

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#TigerWoods has announced he will play in the #PGAChampionship . Well for Thursday and Friday anyway.

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Supermodel Chrissy Teigen, who says she was “pretty drunk”, threw out a pretty decent first pitch at last night’s Dodgers game. Maybe they should start stockpiling beer in the Rockies bullpen.

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NBC Senior White House Correspondent Chris Jansing today, talking about Obama at the U.S.-Africa Leaders Summit. “Yeah, the fact that he’s from Kenya, and the fact that when he was elected there were expectations on the African continent that he would do great things for them.” Is Jansing angling for a job with FOX News?
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2 RBIs for Michael Morse in first is 25% of his RBI total for the past two months #SFGiants.
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From Bill Littlejohn:  “Cleveland Browns receiver Josh Gordon has claimed that he has passed at least 70 drug tests. “Problem is, he’s taken more than 1,000.”

Just a few goals past ugly?

July 9, 2014

7-1 final. Germany hasn’t rolled over another country like this since…. oh, does this even need a punchline?
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This Brazil vs. Germany World Cup game should get us all ready for those thrilling September SEC-cupcake matchups.

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How ugly was it looking in Belo Horizonte against the Germans today? Wonder if the Brazilian team considered singing “Edelweiss” and trying to sneak out the back? #toosoon?

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#Dodgers score 5 runs off Justin Verlander in 1st, now trail #Tigers 12-5. Are both teams are taking turns emulating Brazil vs. Germany?

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Rough day for the Brazilian team. Maybe a record day for Caipirinha sales.

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Meanwhile, what a waste. Madison Bumgarner in an AL park with the DH. He was more likely to get a clutch hit than at least a few batters in the #SFGiants lineup.
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Cleveland has been selected as the site for the 2016 Republican Convention. Stand by for “Mistake by the Lake” jokes.

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Sarah Palin recently referred to today’s politics as “incorrigibly disastrous.” Well, if anyone should be an expert on “incorrigibly disastrous…”

(My friend Julia Park Tracey “I didn’t know she was polysyllabic.”)

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Two University of Miami football players, both projected starters, were dismissed from the team after being arrested on sexual battery charges against a “physically helpless” 17-year-old girl. Wonder how long it will take for them to show up “rehabilitated” on another team or on an NFL practice squad?
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This summer TGI Fridays will offer “Endless Appetizers.” $10 a person – no sharing please – unlimited refills of choices including Potato Skins, , Mozzarella Sticks and Boneless Buffalo Wings. Presumably the offer also comes with a free test for Type 2 Diabetes.

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United Airlines has announced they will outsource 630 jobs at 12 U.S. airports in a cost-saving move. So you thought that customer service was bad at Albuquerque; Buffalo; Charleston, Charlotte; Columbus, Ohio; Des Moines,. Detroit, El Paso, Sioux Falls, Wichita, Pensacola and Salt Lake City before…..

Former “Baywatch” star Pamela Anderson has filed for divorce again. So guys, they’re available.
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John Boehner wants another $3.3 million for another House investigation of Benghazi. Not sure what they hope to find out this time, though it now seems pretty certain that if Congress put as much money and effort into protecting our Embassies and Consulates as they are now into “getting” Obama, Ambassador Stevens and the others would be alive today.

Something missing?

May 5, 2014

Tiger Woods said that missing the Masters wasn’t that bad. “Speak for yourself” said CBS.

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Didn’t everyone have this figured? NL pitching leaders as of May 5 with 5 wins – Greinke, Wainwright, Machi… #SFGiants

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The Supreme Court ruled today that city councils can begin their meetings with prayer, even if it plainly favors a specific religion. Okay, so let’s see what happens when some council decides to include, say, a Buddhist or Muslim prayer…

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Who says politicians are never honest? Lindsay Graham – “Our Democratic friends, for the most part, have been in the tank over Benghazi. Some guy said this about me yesterday on the left: The only reason I cared about this was because I have six tea party opponents. Well, if that’s true, I’m the biggest scumbag in America.”

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Saturday was the Kentucky Derby, Monday was Cinco de Mayo. Which for many Americans means finding out the answer to a question – do you get a worse hangover from bourbon or tequila?

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Governor Chris Christie on the Brooklyn Nets “They’re not in New Jersey anymore. They’re not my team — I’m a Knicks fan. And so the fact is, I just don’t care.” Makes sense that Christie would root for the Knicks, their year has made his look good by comparison.

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Former PayPal exec Rakesh “Rocky” Agrawal is no longer with the company after sending out late night tweets saying amongst other things that PayPal’s global communications VP was a “useless middle. manager” and a “piece of s***.” Agrawal says he quit before tweeting, but just guessing he’s not expecting a reference?

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A Hong Kong company has come up with a new “Paper Clip” armrest for planes, which has a double decker format they say will eliminate the armrest battles most fliers face regularly. Wonder which U.S. carrier will try it first, presumably as soon as they figure out how to charge an “arm room fee.”

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You really cannot make this “stuff” up: .Steve Wiles is running in the GOP primary for North Carolina state Senate, touting his support for a gay marriage ban. And the Winston-Salem Journal is reporting Wiles worked for years as a drag queen emcee known as ‘Miss Mona Sinclair’ at a Winston-Salem gay bar.

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Jameis Winston apparently was carrying crawfish, crab legs and butter when he walked out of a Florida Publix without paying. But the Heisman winner insisted he did not steal the butter, because he left it in a bin before he left the store. Maybe that explains why FSU has already reinstated him?

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Stay classy. Stacey Campfield, the Tennessee state senator who once said HIV and AIDS originated from a man having sex with a monkey, just wrote in his blog “Democrats bragging about the number of mandatory sign ups for Obamacare is like Germans bragging about the number of manditory sign ups for ‘train rides’ for Jews in the 40s.”

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From my funny friend Jerry Perisho: Oregon State fired head basketball coach Craig Robinson, the brother-in-law of Pres. Obama. Fox News said the firing was part of the Republican resurgence. MSNBC said it was due to right wing radicalism on campus. CNN said, “Oregon is nowhere near the Indian Ocean, so we don’t care.

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For some variety, Dwight Perry’s sideline chatter.  (And he included one of my jokes)

http://seattletimes.com/html/sidelinechatter/2023524610_chatter04xml.html

Jawed?

April 30, 2014

“He can’t go down with three barrels on them, not with three he can’t?”

No, but Sharks can go down with three games on them….

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Who knew Shark Tank was redundant?

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Announcers saying the San Jose Sharks’ season ended bitterly.” “Bitterly?” “Bitterly” is a one game nightmare. This was a four-game choke job for the ages.

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FSU QB and reigning Heisman winner Jameis Winston was reportedly cited for shoplifting crab legs in Tallahassee and may be suspended from the baseball team. Maybe the NCAA should have been a little more clear on that ruling allowing unlimited meals for athletes?

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Jameis Winston on “crab-gate”. In a moment of youthful ignorance, I walked out of the store without paying for one of my items. “Youthful ignorance? As in he didn’t ask one of his posse to get the crab legs for him?

Or as in he should have stuck to something small like filet mignon.

V. Stiviano said through her attorney that she is “very saddened” at Sterling’s NBA ban and that she “never wanted any harm to Donald.” Translation, someone is really going to miss those courtside seats.

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Donald Trump is buying Turnberry golf course. What, is the Donald looking for a British gopher to replace that furry thing that lives on his head?

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We are one Atlanta win away from a second round NBA playoff series between the Hawks and the Washington Wizards. Which had to seem about as likely as the NAACP giving Donald Sterling a lifetime achievement award.

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Frontier Airlines is going to start charging for carry-on bags that don’t fit under the seat. So all those boarding slowdowns caused by people trying to cram bags in the overhead bins? They’ll be switching to slowdowns caused by people trying to cram bags under the seat.

 

Never understood why people don’t like the San Antonio Spurs. They play good, team-oriented no-drama basketball. Does the team remind some too much of the WNBA?

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Former ‘Mad’ magazine editor Al Feldstein, 88, has died. Have to assume his last words were “What, me worry?

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GOP senators just blocked raising the U.S. minimum wage to $10.10 an hour. Just for comparison, based on a 40 work week, U.S. Senators make $87.00 an hour. (plus expenses.) #letthemeatcake

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Mike D’Antoni “resigned” from the Los Angeles Lakers. Which makes him luckier than the team’s season ticket holders.

 

 

From my friend Bill Whalen “How do you repel a shark attack? Put it on a power play.”

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My friend Bob Thompson pointed out the the Dodgers played tonight at Target Field against the Twins, and it’s 42 degrees, feels like 36. Almost as cold as a night game at Candlestick.

 

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In a recent poll about the Florida Governor’s race, Charlie Crist has a 10 point lead over Rick Scott, and Crist’s lead is almost 20 points with women voters. This could mean a serious potential drought in Florida punchlines.

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John Boehner is now apologizing for his comments about some of his fellow Republicans regarding immigration reform – “here’s the attitude: ‘Ohhhh, don’t make me do this. Ohhhh, this is too hard.'” Apparently having a spine is not allowed in today’s GOP?

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Floyd Mayweather Jr. now says he wants to buy the Los Angeles Clippers. So get rid of a racist and replace him with a confessed wife-beater? #Notexactly

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For all those who want the media to pay attention to anything but MH370 and Donald Sterling, help is on the way. A new video has surfaced allegedly filmed last weekend allegedly showing Toronto Mayor Rob Ford smoking crack again.

 

. . .

Beyond madness.

April 7, 2014

 

So one team no one much cares about vs. one team most of America hates. Made sense to play NCAA final at A T & T stadium in “North Texas.” It’s the basketball equivalent of many Dallas Cowboys game.

 

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Of course, if the BCS had been in charge of March Madness, #7 UConn would have been playing in something like the Carquest or Poulan Weedeater Bowl.

 

 

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Reporters in #Kentucky locker room will be outnumbered by agents trying to sign up their #freshmen for #NBADraft #MarchMadness

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Go figure, Stanford women can’t beat #UConn in basketball, but as my friend David Lombardi points out, the Stanford men did.

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The senior pastor of Calvary Chapel Fort Lauderdale . Florida’s largest megachurch, has resigned after confessing to cheating on his wife. Clearly this is what comes of being too tolerant of heterosexual marriage.

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A politically connected friend in Florida says Jeb Bush has decided to run for President. If true this completes the bipartisan bridge to the 20th century.

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Delta Air Lines announced they will now give free eyeshades and earplugs to economy passengers on international flights, and on flights to Europe coach passengers will receive a full-size bottle of water following their meal service. Gosh. How much will Delta need to raise fares to pay for this?

 

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So FB says they will always be free. But how long until they do the airline version of “free” As in if you don’t want your wall crammed into a tighter and tighter column, you have to pay the equivalent of an economy plus surcharge? Just askin’

 

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Bizarre thought on the death of Mickey Rooney. Had she lived, Judy Garland would only be 91.

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Oscar Pistorius’s murder trial was adjourned Monday today during his testimony, after the accused track star told the judge he was exhausted and did not sleep the night before. “I feel so sorry for him,” said few men and no women.

 

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Rutgers AD Julie Hermann told a media ethics and law class in February that it would be “great” if the Star-Ledger, NJ’s largest newspaper, went out of business, adding “I’m going to do all I can to not give them a headline to keep them alive.” Uh, Ms. Hermann, you just did.

(Must say, Julie Hermann and Chris Christie might be a sparring match I’d pay to see.)

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Yep, Gary Bachman nails this one. “Phrases you won’t hear on cable news networks: FOX–“Good news for the President”; MSNBC–“Bad news for the President”; CNN–“In other news.””

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Timberwolves forward Dante Cunningham. arrested last week for alleged domestic violence towards his live-in girlfriend, was arrested again just three days later for sending her threatening messages that police said “rose to a terroristic level.’ If true, will the charges have an enhancement for criminal stupidity?

 

 

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If you haven’t seen the Aquinas college April Fool’s joke, this is two minutes well worth taking.  Who says today’s youth isn’t creative?

 

A long, long, time….

March 27, 2014

Miguel Cabrera just signed a 10 year, $300 million contract with the Detroit Tigers. Wow. By current Dodgers’ standards that’s almost enough for a good utility infielder.

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The #Philadelphia #76ers , 15-57, have lost 26 straight games. The real question, how did they ever win 15?

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Some of the NCAA’s freshman basketball stars claim to be undecided about entering the NBA draft. Maybe the young men are just trying to figure out their odds of being stuck with the 76ers.

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The Milwaukee Bucks ended an eight game losing streak by beating the LA Lakers 108-105 tonight. And anyone who watched that game with the Sweet Sixteen as an alternative is probably guilty of March Madness.

 

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Will the video of the Stanford Cardinal’s lackluster performance in the #SweetSixteen be titled “Sleepwalking in Memphis?”

 

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Baltimore RB Ray Rice has been indicted for 3rd-degree aggravated assault. Maybe Rice was trying a little too hard to become a Ravens legend like Ray Lewis.

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Amazing, a sixth-grade girl in Oklahoma set a world record by selling over 18,000 box of Girl Scout cookies. What’s more amazing? She did it without living in Washington or Colorado.

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A 22 year old woman who killed her husband by pushing him over a cliff in Montana eight days after their wedding was sentenced today to 30 years in prison. Well, at least the marriage really was until “death do us part.”

 

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Start building that shelter in the backyard. Last year Stevie Nicks says there was “more chance of an asteroid hitting the earth” than Christine McVie rejoining Fleetwood Mac.

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Pat Robertson’s latest “Jesus wouldn’t bake a cake for a gay wedding.” As if they would have wanted Him to bake a cake. The happy couple surely would have preferred that water into wine bit.

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California State Sen. Leland Yee, who was arrested yesterday, today withdrew from the secretary of state race. His lawyer “This was a very personal decision on the part of the senator. This is what he wanted to do.” Uh, no, what Yee wanted to do was not to get caught.

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A taxpayer-funded report from a law firm hired by Chris Christie found that the NJ Govenor was not involved in the Bridgegate plot. Presumably the same firm will back up Bud Selig’s statement that steroid use in baseball is now virtually nonexistent.

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Despite an aide’s saying otherwise, Chris Christie says now he “does not recall” being informed about traffic jams near the George Washington Bridge last September. Guess the NJ Governor really does see himself as the next Ronald Reagan.

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An 18 year old Norwegian man had a McDonald’s receipt tattooed on his arm. And guess what, ladies, this guy is single.

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For all those who fly on commercial planes and think “It could be worse,” you are about to be proved right. Airbus is going to start making A380s with a 3-5-3 coach configuration.

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A number of employees at LAX have been arrested for allegedly stealing from passengers’ luggage. 25 (!?) police raids recovered belongings including clothes, electronics and jewelry. Scary, but really, why does anyone put JEWELRY in checked luggage?

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From T.C. ” The NFL will be penalizing the slam dunk celebration with the football over the goal post this year. So let’s say you celebrate your TD by taunting the defender covering you, dunk the football over the goal post and also call someone on the field the “N” word, your team will be kicking off from its own 1 yard line.”


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