Posted tagged ‘airline jokes’

Just a few goals past ugly?

July 9, 2014

7-1 final. Germany hasn’t rolled over another country like this since…. oh, does this even need a punchline?
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This Brazil vs. Germany World Cup game should get us all ready for those thrilling September SEC-cupcake matchups.

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How ugly was it looking in Belo Horizonte against the Germans today? Wonder if the Brazilian team considered singing “Edelweiss” and trying to sneak out the back? #toosoon?

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#Dodgers score 5 runs off Justin Verlander in 1st, now trail #Tigers 12-5. Are both teams are taking turns emulating Brazil vs. Germany?

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Rough day for the Brazilian team. Maybe a record day for Caipirinha sales.

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Meanwhile, what a waste. Madison Bumgarner in an AL park with the DH. He was more likely to get a clutch hit than at least a few batters in the #SFGiants lineup.
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Cleveland has been selected as the site for the 2016 Republican Convention. Stand by for “Mistake by the Lake” jokes.

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Sarah Palin recently referred to today’s politics as “incorrigibly disastrous.” Well, if anyone should be an expert on “incorrigibly disastrous…”

(My friend Julia Park Tracey “I didn’t know she was polysyllabic.”)

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Two University of Miami football players, both projected starters, were dismissed from the team after being arrested on sexual battery charges against a “physically helpless” 17-year-old girl. Wonder how long it will take for them to show up “rehabilitated” on another team or on an NFL practice squad?
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This summer TGI Fridays will offer “Endless Appetizers.” $10 a person – no sharing please – unlimited refills of choices including Potato Skins, , Mozzarella Sticks and Boneless Buffalo Wings. Presumably the offer also comes with a free test for Type 2 Diabetes.

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United Airlines has announced they will outsource 630 jobs at 12 U.S. airports in a cost-saving move. So you thought that customer service was bad at Albuquerque; Buffalo; Charleston, Charlotte; Columbus, Ohio; Des Moines,. Detroit, El Paso, Sioux Falls, Wichita, Pensacola and Salt Lake City before…..

Former “Baywatch” star Pamela Anderson has filed for divorce again. So guys, they’re available.
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John Boehner wants another $3.3 million for another House investigation of Benghazi. Not sure what they hope to find out this time, though it now seems pretty certain that if Congress put as much money and effort into protecting our Embassies and Consulates as they are now into “getting” Obama, Ambassador Stevens and the others would be alive today.

Something missing?

May 5, 2014

Tiger Woods said that missing the Masters wasn’t that bad. “Speak for yourself” said CBS.

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Didn’t everyone have this figured? NL pitching leaders as of May 5 with 5 wins – Greinke, Wainwright, Machi… #SFGiants

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The Supreme Court ruled today that city councils can begin their meetings with prayer, even if it plainly favors a specific religion. Okay, so let’s see what happens when some council decides to include, say, a Buddhist or Muslim prayer…

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Who says politicians are never honest? Lindsay Graham – “Our Democratic friends, for the most part, have been in the tank over Benghazi. Some guy said this about me yesterday on the left: The only reason I cared about this was because I have six tea party opponents. Well, if that’s true, I’m the biggest scumbag in America.”

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Saturday was the Kentucky Derby, Monday was Cinco de Mayo. Which for many Americans means finding out the answer to a question – do you get a worse hangover from bourbon or tequila?

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Governor Chris Christie on the Brooklyn Nets “They’re not in New Jersey anymore. They’re not my team — I’m a Knicks fan. And so the fact is, I just don’t care.” Makes sense that Christie would root for the Knicks, their year has made his look good by comparison.

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Former PayPal exec Rakesh “Rocky” Agrawal is no longer with the company after sending out late night tweets saying amongst other things that PayPal’s global communications VP was a “useless middle. manager” and a “piece of s***.” Agrawal says he quit before tweeting, but just guessing he’s not expecting a reference?

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A Hong Kong company has come up with a new “Paper Clip” armrest for planes, which has a double decker format they say will eliminate the armrest battles most fliers face regularly. Wonder which U.S. carrier will try it first, presumably as soon as they figure out how to charge an “arm room fee.”

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You really cannot make this “stuff” up: .Steve Wiles is running in the GOP primary for North Carolina state Senate, touting his support for a gay marriage ban. And the Winston-Salem Journal is reporting Wiles worked for years as a drag queen emcee known as ‘Miss Mona Sinclair’ at a Winston-Salem gay bar.

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Jameis Winston apparently was carrying crawfish, crab legs and butter when he walked out of a Florida Publix without paying. But the Heisman winner insisted he did not steal the butter, because he left it in a bin before he left the store. Maybe that explains why FSU has already reinstated him?

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Stay classy. Stacey Campfield, the Tennessee state senator who once said HIV and AIDS originated from a man having sex with a monkey, just wrote in his blog “Democrats bragging about the number of mandatory sign ups for Obamacare is like Germans bragging about the number of manditory sign ups for ‘train rides’ for Jews in the 40s.”

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From my funny friend Jerry Perisho: Oregon State fired head basketball coach Craig Robinson, the brother-in-law of Pres. Obama. Fox News said the firing was part of the Republican resurgence. MSNBC said it was due to right wing radicalism on campus. CNN said, “Oregon is nowhere near the Indian Ocean, so we don’t care.

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For some variety, Dwight Perry’s sideline chatter.  (And he included one of my jokes)

http://seattletimes.com/html/sidelinechatter/2023524610_chatter04xml.html

Jawed?

April 30, 2014

“He can’t go down with three barrels on them, not with three he can’t?”

No, but Sharks can go down with three games on them….

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Who knew Shark Tank was redundant?

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Announcers saying the San Jose Sharks’ season ended bitterly.” “Bitterly?” “Bitterly” is a one game nightmare. This was a four-game choke job for the ages.

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FSU QB and reigning Heisman winner Jameis Winston was reportedly cited for shoplifting crab legs in Tallahassee and may be suspended from the baseball team. Maybe the NCAA should have been a little more clear on that ruling allowing unlimited meals for athletes?

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Jameis Winston on “crab-gate”. In a moment of youthful ignorance, I walked out of the store without paying for one of my items. “Youthful ignorance? As in he didn’t ask one of his posse to get the crab legs for him?

Or as in he should have stuck to something small like filet mignon.

V. Stiviano said through her attorney that she is “very saddened” at Sterling’s NBA ban and that she “never wanted any harm to Donald.” Translation, someone is really going to miss those courtside seats.

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Donald Trump is buying Turnberry golf course. What, is the Donald looking for a British gopher to replace that furry thing that lives on his head?

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We are one Atlanta win away from a second round NBA playoff series between the Hawks and the Washington Wizards. Which had to seem about as likely as the NAACP giving Donald Sterling a lifetime achievement award.

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Frontier Airlines is going to start charging for carry-on bags that don’t fit under the seat. So all those boarding slowdowns caused by people trying to cram bags in the overhead bins? They’ll be switching to slowdowns caused by people trying to cram bags under the seat.

 

Never understood why people don’t like the San Antonio Spurs. They play good, team-oriented no-drama basketball. Does the team remind some too much of the WNBA?

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Former ‘Mad’ magazine editor Al Feldstein, 88, has died. Have to assume his last words were “What, me worry?

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GOP senators just blocked raising the U.S. minimum wage to $10.10 an hour. Just for comparison, based on a 40 work week, U.S. Senators make $87.00 an hour. (plus expenses.) #letthemeatcake

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Mike D’Antoni “resigned” from the Los Angeles Lakers. Which makes him luckier than the team’s season ticket holders.

 

 

From my friend Bill Whalen “How do you repel a shark attack? Put it on a power play.”

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My friend Bob Thompson pointed out the the Dodgers played tonight at Target Field against the Twins, and it’s 42 degrees, feels like 36. Almost as cold as a night game at Candlestick.

 

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In a recent poll about the Florida Governor’s race, Charlie Crist has a 10 point lead over Rick Scott, and Crist’s lead is almost 20 points with women voters. This could mean a serious potential drought in Florida punchlines.

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John Boehner is now apologizing for his comments about some of his fellow Republicans regarding immigration reform – “here’s the attitude: ‘Ohhhh, don’t make me do this. Ohhhh, this is too hard.'” Apparently having a spine is not allowed in today’s GOP?

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Floyd Mayweather Jr. now says he wants to buy the Los Angeles Clippers. So get rid of a racist and replace him with a confessed wife-beater? #Notexactly

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For all those who want the media to pay attention to anything but MH370 and Donald Sterling, help is on the way. A new video has surfaced allegedly filmed last weekend allegedly showing Toronto Mayor Rob Ford smoking crack again.

 

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Beyond madness.

April 7, 2014

 

So one team no one much cares about vs. one team most of America hates. Made sense to play NCAA final at A T & T stadium in “North Texas.” It’s the basketball equivalent of many Dallas Cowboys game.

 

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Of course, if the BCS had been in charge of March Madness, #7 UConn would have been playing in something like the Carquest or Poulan Weedeater Bowl.

 

 

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Reporters in #Kentucky locker room will be outnumbered by agents trying to sign up their #freshmen for #NBADraft #MarchMadness

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Go figure, Stanford women can’t beat #UConn in basketball, but as my friend David Lombardi points out, the Stanford men did.

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The senior pastor of Calvary Chapel Fort Lauderdale . Florida’s largest megachurch, has resigned after confessing to cheating on his wife. Clearly this is what comes of being too tolerant of heterosexual marriage.

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A politically connected friend in Florida says Jeb Bush has decided to run for President. If true this completes the bipartisan bridge to the 20th century.

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Delta Air Lines announced they will now give free eyeshades and earplugs to economy passengers on international flights, and on flights to Europe coach passengers will receive a full-size bottle of water following their meal service. Gosh. How much will Delta need to raise fares to pay for this?

 

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So FB says they will always be free. But how long until they do the airline version of “free” As in if you don’t want your wall crammed into a tighter and tighter column, you have to pay the equivalent of an economy plus surcharge? Just askin’

 

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Bizarre thought on the death of Mickey Rooney. Had she lived, Judy Garland would only be 91.

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Oscar Pistorius’s murder trial was adjourned Monday today during his testimony, after the accused track star told the judge he was exhausted and did not sleep the night before. “I feel so sorry for him,” said few men and no women.

 

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Rutgers AD Julie Hermann told a media ethics and law class in February that it would be “great” if the Star-Ledger, NJ’s largest newspaper, went out of business, adding “I’m going to do all I can to not give them a headline to keep them alive.” Uh, Ms. Hermann, you just did.

(Must say, Julie Hermann and Chris Christie might be a sparring match I’d pay to see.)

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Yep, Gary Bachman nails this one. “Phrases you won’t hear on cable news networks: FOX–“Good news for the President”; MSNBC–“Bad news for the President”; CNN–“In other news.””

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Timberwolves forward Dante Cunningham. arrested last week for alleged domestic violence towards his live-in girlfriend, was arrested again just three days later for sending her threatening messages that police said “rose to a terroristic level.’ If true, will the charges have an enhancement for criminal stupidity?

 

 

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If you haven’t seen the Aquinas college April Fool’s joke, this is two minutes well worth taking.  Who says today’s youth isn’t creative?

 

A long, long, time….

March 27, 2014

Miguel Cabrera just signed a 10 year, $300 million contract with the Detroit Tigers. Wow. By current Dodgers’ standards that’s almost enough for a good utility infielder.

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The #Philadelphia #76ers , 15-57, have lost 26 straight games. The real question, how did they ever win 15?

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Some of the NCAA’s freshman basketball stars claim to be undecided about entering the NBA draft. Maybe the young men are just trying to figure out their odds of being stuck with the 76ers.

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The Milwaukee Bucks ended an eight game losing streak by beating the LA Lakers 108-105 tonight. And anyone who watched that game with the Sweet Sixteen as an alternative is probably guilty of March Madness.

 

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Will the video of the Stanford Cardinal’s lackluster performance in the #SweetSixteen be titled “Sleepwalking in Memphis?”

 

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Baltimore RB Ray Rice has been indicted for 3rd-degree aggravated assault. Maybe Rice was trying a little too hard to become a Ravens legend like Ray Lewis.

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Amazing, a sixth-grade girl in Oklahoma set a world record by selling over 18,000 box of Girl Scout cookies. What’s more amazing? She did it without living in Washington or Colorado.

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A 22 year old woman who killed her husband by pushing him over a cliff in Montana eight days after their wedding was sentenced today to 30 years in prison. Well, at least the marriage really was until “death do us part.”

 

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Start building that shelter in the backyard. Last year Stevie Nicks says there was “more chance of an asteroid hitting the earth” than Christine McVie rejoining Fleetwood Mac.

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Pat Robertson’s latest “Jesus wouldn’t bake a cake for a gay wedding.” As if they would have wanted Him to bake a cake. The happy couple surely would have preferred that water into wine bit.

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California State Sen. Leland Yee, who was arrested yesterday, today withdrew from the secretary of state race. His lawyer “This was a very personal decision on the part of the senator. This is what he wanted to do.” Uh, no, what Yee wanted to do was not to get caught.

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A taxpayer-funded report from a law firm hired by Chris Christie found that the NJ Govenor was not involved in the Bridgegate plot. Presumably the same firm will back up Bud Selig’s statement that steroid use in baseball is now virtually nonexistent.

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Despite an aide’s saying otherwise, Chris Christie says now he “does not recall” being informed about traffic jams near the George Washington Bridge last September. Guess the NJ Governor really does see himself as the next Ronald Reagan.

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An 18 year old Norwegian man had a McDonald’s receipt tattooed on his arm. And guess what, ladies, this guy is single.

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For all those who fly on commercial planes and think “It could be worse,” you are about to be proved right. Airbus is going to start making A380s with a 3-5-3 coach configuration.

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A number of employees at LAX have been arrested for allegedly stealing from passengers’ luggage. 25 (!?) police raids recovered belongings including clothes, electronics and jewelry. Scary, but really, why does anyone put JEWELRY in checked luggage?

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From T.C. ” The NFL will be penalizing the slam dunk celebration with the football over the goal post this year. So let’s say you celebrate your TD by taunting the defender covering you, dunk the football over the goal post and also call someone on the field the “N” word, your team will be kicking off from its own 1 yard line.”

Last bracket standing?

March 22, 2014

The  way today this tournament is going people winning their bracket pools probably did the equivalent of the lottery Quick Picks.

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And after the first two rounds of March Madness, a whole lot of folks changed  their retirement plan from the bracket challenge to buying lottery tickets.

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Forget Buffett’s billion dollar challenge. It should be worth at least a million to whoever had Tennessee meeting Mercer on Sunday.

Watching the crazy end of the VCU – SFA game, okay, I am not a coach, but think the ONLY thing you would tell players with a four point lead is don’t foul on a three point shot at the buzzer.

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It should be a March Madness rule that if you picked an upset like Mercer over Duke you should at least know in which state your team is located.

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Sports fans who normally stick to the NBA have to be wondering? When did they suddenly start letting all these white guys play basketball?

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Kobe Bryant told an interview he thought President Obama could play for the Lakers. “That’s not a diss at the current roster that we have, but more of a sign of respect of the skill that the president possesses.” And Kobe said the first part of that sentence with a straight face.

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In Turkey, users are apparently circumventing a Twitter ban after Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan threatened to “rip out the roots” of the website. Uh, for starters it might have helped if the PM knew websites don’t have roots.

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American Airlines is debuting new business class seats where the seatbelts will contain airbags. That’s in business. In coach the airline suggests passengers blow into and inflate their air sickness bags.

At time of writing, late late night Friday or early Saturday morning in California, the Dodgers-Diamondbacks game has been delayed due to rain in Sydney. Maybe even God is not a big fan of moving MLB Opening Day a week early around the world to a cricket field.

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The NY Jets released Mark Sanchez today, and signed Michael Vick. The comedy gods taketh away but they also giveth.

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Our  new travel agency United Airlines sales representative just called because she was unable to find our office. Turns out she is in Los Gatos, not Los Altos. Who does she think she is, a Southwest pilot?

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A federal judge today overturned that Michigan’s ban on same-sex marriage, saying the law violates the U.S. Constitution. Waiting for all the cheers from conservatives who say government should stay out of our lives.

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In Georgia. a man who is on trial for raping a woman he met in a CVS parking lot, is using the defense the sex had to be consensual ‘because of his charming personality and handsome features.” Well, if they convict this jerk those looks should serve him SO well in prison…..

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For a number of Jets fans, isn’t NY releasing Mark Sanchez and signing Michael Vick like your mom telling saying you don’t have to eat the broccoli but she’ll replace it with brussels sprouts?

Bus to hell moment brought to you by T.C. “A JetBlue flight went missing with sudden lost communication from the flight deck similar to the Malaysian Airlines plane. Investigators found it immediately though, it was still sitting on the tarmac 3 hrs after scheduled departure.”

Full service.

March 13, 2014

The Mandalay Bay Resort will pay a $500,000 fine after admitting that employees provided drugs and prostitutes to guests. Gosh, that resort fee really covers everything.

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Will Adam Vinatieri, 41, signed for two more years with the Colts, be the first NFL player to have his own line of orthopedic shoes?

 

 

A University of Kentucky fan just got a tattoo saying “National champions 2014 UK.” Since he is from Kentucky what’s more amazing? That the young man has that much faith in his team? Or that he spelled it all correctly?

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Amazon is raising the price of Prime from $79 to $99 a year. Guess that delivery drone research is expensive.

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Oscar Pistorius vomited again in court, this time when seeing a picture of the body of his ex-girlfriend. If the “Blade Runner” is so adverse to violence maybe he should have gotten rid of the guns and left his security to experts.

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Another thought about the Pistorius trial. So if his girlfriend wasn’t afraid of him that night, why did she lock the bathroom door? As most couples know, in the middle of the night, your significant other doesn’t often bother even to CLOSE the bathroom door.

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A US Airways plane blew a tire tonight while taking off from Philadelphia tonight. All passengers on board were evacuated with no injuries. Wonder how long it will take for someone to add a spare tire fee.

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United Airlines flight delayed because catering forgot to board bottled water. #makesyouwonderwhatelsetheyforgot

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Just a thought about that Malaysian Airlines plane having flown for as much as hours after they lost contact. Even if it were hijacked they really believe no one would have used their cellphone at least to email or text? Get messages from clients all the time in the air, whether or not the plane has legal wifi….

 

 

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Regarding all those conspiracy theories about Malaysian flight 370, there hasn’t been anyone either claiming responsibility, or offering to tell a story to the media. I could be wrong, but keep thinking of that line “Three can keep a secret, if two are dead.”

 

Rutgers’ men’s basketball team lost tonight to Louisville 31 to 92?! Yes, a 61 point loss. With a performance like that are the Scarlet Knights trying to be named honorary members of the NBA Eastern Conference?

 

Florida strikes again. Now according to prosecutors, the former police officer who allegedly shot and killed a man who was texting in a movie theatre, had used HIS OWN PHONE to text his son a few minutes earlier….

 

(although RIP former Florida Governor Reubin Askew.  Yes, there was a time before Florida was a punchline.)

 

Mets’ pitching coach Dan Warthen issued a statement last night to apologize for an Asian racial slur in the clubhouse. Uh oh, does the NFL need to add to their penalty word list?

 

 

This bus to hell moment brought to you by TC from BC. “Rumor has it that there is a sex tape in circulation starring Johnny Carson. I wonder if Ed McMahon does a audio voiceover  – “Heeeeeeerrrrre Comes Johnny!”

Damages.

February 27, 2014

Richie Incognito apparently bashed his own Ferrari with a baseball bat. Did he tell police responding to the report of a damaged vehicle that he and the car were the best of pals?

 

On March 15, the San Diego Padres are offering free season tickets to fans who can hit a home run at Petco Park off the team’s pitching machine. And considering the way the team has hit lately, winning fans may also be offered a free-agent contract.

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A $60 million Texas high school stadium located in a suburb of Dallas will be shutdown INDEFINITELY due to “extensive cracking” in the concourse concrete. Wow. This could be the biggest waste of football money in town not affiliated with the Cowboys roster.

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Paula Dean “I feel like ‘embattled’ or ‘disgraced’ will always follow my name. It’s like that black football player who recently came out,” Even Duck Dynasty’s Phil Robertson is thinking “Sweet Jesus, that woman is dumb.”

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The folks behind Kentucky’s “Creation Museum” are now moving ahead with “Ark Encounter” a theme park built around a 510-foot replica of Noah’s Ark, which will also present a biblical version of history. How long until they run into copyright infringement from Disney? Isn’t “Fantasyland” already taken?

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The CFL Montreal Alouettes released WR Arland Bruce, after he was fined last month by the league for comments about Michael Sam. Bruce tweeted that Sam should “man up, get on his knees and submit to God fully.” Leaving aside the stupidity and homophobia, was that really the best choice of words? #bustohell

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United Airlines is now allowing passengers to pre-book Direct TV on flights for only $4.99, a savings of $3. No doubt the airline figures they’ll make bonus money when passengers don’t bother to ask for a refund on all the times the inflight TV doesn’t work.

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American Airlines is dropping bereavement fares, saying they are making the change “to have a single, consistent program for American and US Airways.” (US Airways didn’t have such fares.) Amazing how in airline mergers the new “consistent” program is always the one that costs consumers more…..

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The GOP is complaining about military budget cuts, but they just scuttled Bernie Sanders’ bill to improve services for veterans. Largely because the Democrats wouldn’t add sanctions to Iran as part of the bill. And because anything President Obama backs must be wrong.

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Finally, from Alex Kaseberg, an open letter:

“Dear Rest of the U.S:

We hear you have had some severe weather this winter, so we would like to ask you some questions. Today, we woke up and there was a liquid-like substance actually falling from the sky. Here is my question: Is it OK to leave the house?

Yours Truly,

California”

Seasoned greetings.

December 26, 2013

Conservative GOP Rep. Steve King of Iowa tweeted from Oslo that he was enjoying a Christmas meal that included reindeer. And Republicans claim that liberals are the ones with the War on Christmas?

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Three men were were killed and two others injured in a Christmas Eve shooting in a N.J. strip club. Have to wonder if the two injured men wished they were dead rather than having to explain to their wives what they were doing in a strip club on Christmas Eve.

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Got to be a major bummer for some of those people whose gifts didn’t arrive on time from UPS, especially when those gifts were intended for children. But maybe a couple lessons for future. 1. Shop early. Not like Christmas sneaked up on anyone as far as the date. 2. Shop local!

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Jon Kitna, 41, and now a math teacher, says he will donate the $53,000 he gets for Sunday’s game to his high school now that he has officially signed with the Cowboys after passing his physical. Pretty impressive. Many current and former NFL players couldn’t even pass math.

 

Delta Airlines said they will honor some ridiculously low fares they posted by mistake on their website, fares that were in the $50 range cross country. Off course anyone traveling on such a fare will have nominal charges of $300 per checked bag, $200 for a seat assignment or carry-on bag, $500 for any changes etc…..

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McDonald’s has taken down a “employee resourse” website which, amongst other things, noted that “while convenient and economical for a busy lifestyle, fast foods are typically high in calories, fat, saturated fat, sugar, and salt and may put people at risk for becoming overweight.” The question isn’t why McDs took the site down, but whose bright idea it was to put it up in the first place?

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Michigan State has suspended LB Max Bullough, a senior, and one of the Spartans’ top players on defense, for violating team rules, so he will miss the Rose Bowl. This would never have happened if Ohio State was going to Pasadena. Urban Meyer would have made his player’s suspension start January 2.

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Little Caesar’s Bowl today at Ford Field features Bowling Green vs Pittsburgh. Two of the only schools who would consider a trip to Detroit with an indoor stadium as an actual reward.

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San Diego Chargers rookie WR Keenan Allen, the team’s top receiver, said he was originally so frustrated that he thought about quitting football at the beginning of the season. As opposed to players on the Redskins and Lions, who quit during the season.

 

Fired up?

November 9, 2013

Pat Knight says he hopes his father Bob, who still holds a grudge against Indiana University for firing him, will eventually return for a basketball game. Maybe the Hoosiers could someday invite Bob to throw out the first chair?

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With tentative calming in the Middle East, prices at the pump are tumbling. Americans haven’t seen the cost of gas fall this fast since Taco Bell introduced 49 cent tacos.

 

 

Green Bay Packers chairman Ted Thompson says that the situation with Brett Favre was “just one of those car wrecks.”. Uh, sir, the situation with Brett Favre was a punchline, the situation in the Dolphins locker room is a car wreck.

 

from Jim Barach:  “Miami Dolphins lineman Richie Incognito was accused of harassing a woman at a golf tournament in 2012. To which Dolphins front office executives are saying she should have just punched him out.”

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Cal lost to USC 62-28.  This is getting bad enough that poor Bear alums are going to end up honorary Cubs fans.

 

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Stanford had the ball for almost 45 minutes against Oregon. But time of possession isn’t quite everything. In an ACC game today the times were 28:58 and 31:02 respectively. The team that didn’t quite have the ball for half the game? Florida State. The Seminoles beat Wake Forest 59 to 3.

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Ted Cruz on the Tonight Show. “I’m a big believer in health care reform I think we ought to reform health care so it’s personal, it’s portable, it’s affordable. We ought to empower patients rather than government bureaucrats getting between you and your doctor.” Nice words, where was Cruz when the GOP controlled government and COULD have put in their own reform? (Oh, that’s right, on his wife’s Goldman Sachs plan. Never mind.)

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Eastern Michigan fired their football coach apparently for “inappropriate language.”. Wonder if part of the inappropriate language was “one and eight.”

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A man was arrested at LAX last night, after he took a handgun from his luggage Friday night in baggage claim at Terminal 3, the site of last week’s shooting. The gun was unloaded, and was legal as he had declared it upon check-in. He was charged with brandishing a weapon in public area, and presumably terminal stupidity.

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At Seattle-Tacoma Airport, a man ran through a TSA checkpoint, then a door onto the tarmac. He then raced up a stairway and punched through a door window at the end of a jetway to get onto an American Airlines plane. He was arrested without further incident on the plane. Guess airline security fees are going up.

(Jon Nedry wonders “Did he check his bag or carry on? In addition to criminal charges, there may also be checked bag charges.”)

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In Fairfax County, Virginia, election officials have acknowledged they somehow haven’t counted 3,000 or so absentee ballots. The registrar is looking into it. Maybe they ended up in Chicago?

Morning after of the nearly dead.

October 31, 2013

Scariest thing for many of us on Halloween. No more MLB baseball games this season. But only 104 days until pitchers and catchers report.

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In Mexico, November 1 is known as “Day of the Dead.”    In the U.S., it’s “National Half-Price Candy Day.”

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All the talk about Halloween being such an unhealthy holiday because of kids going out to get and eat bags full of candy.  So what’s the most popular pre-Trick-or-treating meal in the U.S?’    Pizza

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Google says they are “outraged” by alleged NSA snooping. They say if anyone is snooping on their customers it should be Google themselves.

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Some people say we have children as an excuse to buy toys at Christmas/Hanukkah. Looking at pictures today I’d say there’s an equally good chance some people have children just to come up with adorable Halloween costumes.

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Hallmark has changed an “ugly sweater” Christmas ornament they were selling from saying “Don we now our gay apparel,” to “Don we now our fun apparel.” Reportedly due to consumer backlash. But was it homophobic backlash, or backlash from gays who said they would never be caught dead in an ugly sweater?

Image

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Dell Computers is admitting that some of its new laptops smell like a cat litter box. Are they sure it’s the machine and not the latest version of Windows.

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An NFL game ended Thursday night in overtime on a safety? That’s almost as unbelievable as a baseball game ending on an obstruction call.

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Kim Kardashian told Jay Leno her selfie in a skimpy swimsuit was her “big, like, middle finger to the world.” I thought the Kardashians themselves were a big middle finger to the world.,

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So the new FAA regulations say passengers will be able to use their cellphones on planes with the doors closed, but not for phone calls nor text or email. And of course all passengers will obey that directive….

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A number of media outlets are trying to make something out of the fact that Pamela Anderson cut her long blonde hair into a pixie cut. Perhaps they are oblivious to the fact that most men don’t pay attention to Pamela for her hair….?

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Now there’s medical marijuana for pets. So what’s the next product, cat and dog food flavored like Doritos?

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From T.C.  “Last night, the Red Sox won the World Series at home in Boston for the first time since 1918 vs the Cubs. Baseball fans were shocked, the Cubs were in a World Series?”

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From Bill Littlejohn   “O.J. Simpson can still vote in Florida while thousands of others can’t—-they’re hoping that some day he can find 2000’s ‘real voters'”

So many questions?

October 8, 2013

Definition of a “non-essential government worker.” Anyone whose job doesn’t immediately and directly benefit me.

A jealous Saudi husband divorced his wife after she posted a snap of her kissing an Arabian filly’s face. Was he jealous of his wife or the horse?

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A 21 year-old Texas high school teacher is under fire because it’s been discovered that she posed for Playboy as an 18 year-old college student. So far she’s keeping her job. And requests from fathers for parent-teacher conferences have probably jumped 1000%.

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Detroit Lions center Dominic Raiola apologized to Wisconsin’s marching band today for his “inappropriate” comments made to them before last Sunday’s game. Hmm, usually when you hear “apologized” “marching band” and “inappropriate” in the same sentence, the Stanford band is involved.

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John Boehner: “I didn’t come here to shut down the government. And I certainly didn’t come here to default on our debt.” (But I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express once?)

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A new poll says that the GOP could lose the House over backlash from the current shutdown. But maybe Boehner has a plan for that too – shutdown the voting booths?

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Nike unveiled new Pro Bowl uniforms today, changing their colors from blue and red to orange and yellow. Sure, that will do it. The reason the game has been so unwatchable has been the color scheme….

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Two bases-loaded, nobody out situations today in the MLB playoffs… without a score. Somewhere Rod Beck and Harry Houdini are smiling.

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Wonder if the #Rays put a few sharks in their stingray pool  tonight to keep the #RedSox out of it?

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The 9 year old boy who sneaked onto the Delta flight apparently has previously sneaked into water parks, had gotten at least one free meal at a restaurant, and once stole a car. Wonder how many start-up companies want to hire him.

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Should we be that shocked that a child was able to sneak his way onto the plane, apparently by boarding with a family with a number of boarding passes…. Gate agents often seem to have no interest in counting carry-on bags, we expect them to count kids?

 

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From T.C.   “Cowboys owner Jerry Jones called his teams loss to the Broncos a moral victory. Translation: they beat the spread and I made a shitload of money.”

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Stay classy, Arizona. Your move, Florida: State Rep. Brenda Barton (R. Payson) on FB: “Someone is paying the National Park Service thugs overtime for their efforts to carry out the order of De Fuhrer… where are our Constitutional Sheriffs who can revoke the Park Service Rangers authority to arrest??? Do we have any Sheriffs with a pair?”

Mark Sanchez had season-ending surgery today, and said “I’m very disappointed that I can’t be out there to help my team on the field.” Many NY Jets fans are thinking that he’s doing a great job of helping his team by staying OFF the field.

Cleveland Browns executive Jon Sandusky, son of former Penn State assistant Jerry Sandusky, was arrested today for alleged DUI. Maybe he wanted to spend some quality time with his dad?

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When asked by a reporter’s today about a vote on a “clean” continuing resolution – to reopen the government with no strings attached – in order to end the shutdown. Boehner walked away humming “Doo, doo, doo.” I think one less “doo” would have about described the Speaker’s strategy.

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Amazing. Listening to those on the right, sometimes Obama is an arrogant authoritarian socialist President using his unfettered power to destroy our country. Other times he is completely bumbling and ineffectual, unable to accomplish anything. It’s so confusing.

Checking your baggage?

July 29, 2013

A United Airlines worker at San Francisco Airport was arrested for allegedly stealing a couple’s luggage and returning some of the clothes inside to Nordstrom for cash. Wonder if United at least refunded the passengers’ baggage fees?

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The Milwaukee Brewers are giving away about $3 million in food and drink vouchers to fans at the ballpark for the rest of the season, basically spending the money they would have paid Ryan Braun. Gosh, if/when A-Rod gets suspended the Yankees could afford to  turn their stadium into an all-inclusive resort

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Pope Francis: “Who am I to judge a gay person of goodwill who seeks the Lord?” Can’t wait to see some in the GOP condemn this crazy liberal statement.

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But gosh, what’s next.  If the Pope indicates he might be accepting of priests who are gays, how long until he comes up with something truly radical, like saying the same about women.  (Yeah, the day after hell freezes over.)

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Must say since the SF Giants don’t appear likely to make the playoffs, it would be fun to see a Rays-Pirates World Series. Especially as it would probably make Fox executives heads’ explode.

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#‎JasonGiambi‬, 42 years and 202 days old, goes yard to game in bottom of 9th to win it for the Indians. Do we call it a walker-off home run?

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MLB says that David Ortiz will not be suspended for destroying two dugout phones with his bat last weekend in Baltimore. Maybe because even in the dugout no one uses land line phones now anyway?
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Pete Rose says that a big part of A-Rod’s problem is that he “lacks self-confidence,” Rose said. I don’t know. Regarding PED’s Rodriguez seems to have had plenty of confidence in his ability to get away with it.
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#‎AnthonyWeiner‬ is now in fourth place in the latest NY mayoral poll. Why? Because there is no fifth place.

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President Obama, congratulating the SF Giants on their 2012 World Championship: “You guys are a second-half team. I expect you to be a second-half team this time around.” And wonder how many of the Giants responded “Back at ya, Mr. President.”

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Many fans are waiting eagerly or anxiously for MLB’s decision on the Biogenesis players. Suspensions which will be less for PED’s than for being stupid enough to get caught.

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A new University of California study found that dangerous staph infections can be spread at the gym. Leading to a whole new category of excuse “I’d love to go work out honey, but I’m concerned about my health.”

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Another train crash in Europe. This time in Switzerland. Guessing that television stations are being VERY careful about reading the names of engineers.

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Sign of summer.

June 30, 2013

We can tell it’s officially summer. The New York Yankees are on Sunday Night Baseball.

 

The New York Yankees have now lost five in a row. No joke. I just like typing that.

(And hey, okay, the SF Giants lost six in a row. But they are now on a one game winning streak.   And yeah, it’s been a rough month. )

 

SF Giants are tied for worst in majors as having only 29 games this year where they shut out their opponent in the first inning. This stat is shocking to regular Giants fans… there have been 29 games in 2013 where SF pitchers didn’t allow a first inning run?   (Today was 30.  Barely, after Madison Bumgarner allowed first and third with no outs in the first.)

 

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Sarah Palin says that if the GOP continues to “neglect conservatives” she is open to leaving and creating a new “Freedom Party.” And many Republicans are thinking “Promise?

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So I know you can already bet in Las Vegas on the over-under for the 2014 Super Bowl score. Can you bet on the over-under for 2013 NFL arrests?

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The Baltimore Orioles’ Chris Davis is having a breakout season with 31 home runs so far. So which will be more prevalent, the discussion of him as a possible MVP, or as a possible PED user?

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Former Patriots WR Deion Branch told a reporter that Aaron Hernandez is “a great guy and a great friend of mine and a great teammate. I love him to death, and it was shocking to hear his name involved in this situation.” Of course Branch has the perspective that Hernandez never saw him talking to anyone he didn’t like.

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Four tourists and the pilot are fine when a NYC sightseeing helicopter had to make an emergency landing in the Hudson river. We know the helicopter wasn’t owned by a major U.S. airline. Otherwise they’d have charged extra for the “Sully” experience.

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Interesting suggestion from Mike Lupica of the NY Daily News – “If you are an NFL player found to be in possession of an unregistered weapon, you get suspended for eight games, twice what you get for a dope offense, just for being a dope.”

Over the line?

April 22, 2013

Reese Witherspoon arrested for disorderly conduct when her husband was arrested for DUI. Not exactly her best performance in Walk the Line

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Ok, this statement from Reese Witherspoon. “I clearly had one drink too many and I am deeply embarrassed about the things I said. It was definitely a scary situation and I was frightened for my husband, but that is no excuse. I was disrespectful to the officer who was just doing his job. I have nothing but respect for the police and I’m very sorry for my behavior.” What? No blame on someone else? How does she call herself a celebrity.

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T.C.’s comment-   “Apparently, Reese Witherspoon was beligerent when her husband was arrested for DUI. She asked the cop “Do you know who I am???” He replied, “Yes, you’re Al Michaels”.

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South Carolina’s 1st Congressional District hasn’t elected a Democrat since 1961 but Elizabeth Colbert Busch is now leading Mark Sanford by 9 points in the polls. Maybe proving that even though you can make all kinds of anti-woman comments, it IS just possible to be enough of a douchebag that they won’t vote for you.

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American  golfers Dustin Johnson and Zach Johnson have pulled out of the Ballantine’s Championship in South Korea this week citing safety concerns. Although with all due respect, the U.S. tournament this week is the Zurich Classic in New Orleans, where they are statistically more likely to be shot.

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After 11 NFL seasons, LB Scott Fujita announced his retirement today when he signed a one-day contract with New Orleans so he could retire as a Saint. New York fans immediately started pleading with Mark Sanchez to sign such a one-day contract with the Jets.

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Lakers’ coach Mike D’Antoni said L.A. needs Steve Nash to upset the Spurs. Now I like Steve Nash as much as I dislike Kobe. But to pull off this upset? I think they need the Nash of about 5-10 years ago.

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A new report published in Pedriatics says at least 30 teenagers needed medical attention last year after trying the “cinnamon challenge.” Which is trying to swallow a spoonful of ground cinnamon in 60 seconds without water. Great, just what we need – driver’s licenses required to make purchases in the spice aisle.

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NY State Sen. Greg Ball posted on Twitter that “who wouldn’t want to use torture against the surviving Boston terror suspect?” Uh, leaving aside the moral implications, and that fact that this is not a movie or “24” episode, could we at least wait and see if he answers voluntarily?

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SF Giants didn’t have a walkoff win until April 19. Now they have 2 in 4 days. Are they trying to become the official baseball team of Just For Men?

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There have been several flight delays on the East Coast due to FAA controllers being furloughed with sequestration budget cuts. Can’t we schedule these furloughs where they are most deserved – at whatever time members of Congress are trying to fly home for the weekend?

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From Terry Etter:  “Because the budget crisis has caused some air traffic controllers to be laid off, the FAA says we can expect flight delays of up to 3 and 1/2 hours this summer. So who knew that having fewer traffic controllers would shorten airline delays.”

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CB Darrelle Revis, traded from the Jets to the Buccaneers, promised that Tampa Bay “will make a lot of noise” in the 2013 season. Well, with Revis on the team “noise” is a given. Winning, on the other hand…

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Auburn’s AD Jay Jacobs responded to an online report that accused their 2011 BCS champion team of altering grades and bribing players by saying the article was full of “misrepresentations” and “is clearly flawed.” Hmm, does that mean there was a lot of stuff they missed?

Oh deer…. antler spray.

January 29, 2013

Randy Moss said today that he thinks he’s “the greatest receiver to ever do it.” Even Terrell Owens is thinking “Check that man for concussions.”

 

An orangutan at the Fresno Zoo picked the SF 49ers to win the Super Bowl by choosing a red and gold blanket out of a box. But how unscientific. Where’s Paul the Octopus when we really need him?

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All these Super Bowl prop bets, who’ll score first, how many rushing yards for Colin Kaepernick, how many field goals, etc… So who’s laying odds on how many stupid things Randy Moss can say between today and Sunday?

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So let me get this straight… Joe Flacco is getting more grief Super Bowl week for calling playing next year’s game in NJ “retarded,” which he quickly corrected, than Ray Lewis is getting about those two guys who ended up stabbed to death in 2000?    And Ray himself is only getting grief about…. deer antler spray. 

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(If Bonds says he thought it was flaxseed oil, wonder what Lewis will say the spray was..)

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But seriously, not condoning cheating. On the other hand, AAA minor league baseball minimum salary is $2150 a month, for six months. Major league minimum salary is $490,000 a year. Wonder how many of us would turn down a drug that would increase our salaries that much?

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Roger Goodell had a news conference in New York City about the 2014 Super Bowl, which will be played at MetLife Stadium in New Jersey, and talked about the forecast for 50 degree weather this weekend. Uh, yeah, and Goodell conveniently forgot the 10 degree weather in NJ LAST weekend.

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A judge upheld San Francisco’s public nudity ban, saying that requiring people to wear clothing doesn’t violate the First Amendment. Can that same judge rule on spandex next? (As a favorite bumper sticker said ‘Spandex, it’s a privilege, not a right.”)

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Mormon-owned Marriott International has joined an coalition to repeal DOMA, (the Defense of Marriage Act.) Forget politics, needing to put heads in beds REALLY makes for strange bedfellows.

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In Delaware last weekend Ada Bryant, 97, married Robert Haire, 89. The bride is keeping her name. Because, hey, you never know. What if she gets tired of him or something?.

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Ashley Judd is ending her 11 year marriage to Indy 500 winner Dario Franchitti. Women are thinking “How sad, it was such a romantic story.” And men are thinking “There’s renewed hope!”

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Alex Rodriguez has been implicated in another potential PED scandal, but he denies using any drugs recently. And why should we doubt a man who already told us in 2009 that the only time he lied about using illegal PEDs was from 2001-03.

 

 

American Airlines is being investigated by the FAA for allegedly flying a 757 for two months with emergency exits blocked by misaligned passenger seats. So expect a new question from flight attendants: “In case of an emergency, are you willing and able to unbolt your seats and then open the exit door?”

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Former GOP congressman Ray LaHood is stepping down as Transportation Secretary, but says he thought it was “the best job” he’s ever had in public service, and that he liked working for Obama. Is LaHood also trying to get kicked out of the Republican party?

Winning?

November 25, 2012

Apparently Charlie Sheen sent Lindsay Lohan a $100,000 check towards her IRS bill. A nice gesture, of course, her antics HAVE helped keep him off the front page.

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Former U of Tennessee and NFL WR Cedrick Wilson has been suspended from his Memphis teaching job as one of 18 people charged- so far- in a alleged scheme to help potential public school teachers cheat on their certification tests. Who says college football doesn’t prepare you for the real world?

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North Carolina State football coach Tom O’Brien has been fired after a 7-5 season. 7-5?! With that kind of record the Carolina Panthers would have rewarded him with at least a 10 year extension.

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Mark Buehrle is now complaining that that the Miami Marlins lied to him. And the Florida taxpayers on the hook for their new stadium are thinking “get out the bleeping violins.”

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Mitt Romney is apparently moving to La Jolla. If he’d paid more attention to Prop 30 maybe Mitt would have spent more time campaigning in California.

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Penn State coach Bill O’Brien may or may not have praised his team by calling a bunch of “f**kers” in a postgame interview. Either way, at least there’s no chance it’s the most embarrassing story for the school this year.

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Who’d a thunk this? Right now according to the AP poll the best two-loss college football team is NOT in the SEC?

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All this misty-eyed talk about Notre Dame and their season of destiny is pushing me towards the impossible – rooting for an SEC team.

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But really, “Destiny’s Darlings?”   (What ESPN said about the Fighting Irish)  Sounds like a bad wannabe girl band.

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Wonder if there will be special tattoos commemorating Ohio State’s unbeaten season….

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At Saturday’s BYU basketball game, two fans printed 6,300 “Chicago to Provo” t-shirts to give out to fans in hopes of swaying Jabari Parker, a highly ranked senior from Chicago Simeon Career Academy. The donated shirts are legal – now someone buying the kid a hot dog, that would be a violation.

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A JetBlue flight attendant was arrested at JFK airport for allegedly helping her boyfriend steal an iPhone from another traveler. This is not supposed to happen; the only airline people allowed to ripoff the public are those who come up with all those surcharges.

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The St. Louis Cardinals’ David Freese is okay after crashing his SUV while trying to avoid a deer. And Tiger Woods said “Why didn’t I think of that excuse?”

And for what little it’s worth: Stanford 10-2, with 9 games against teams who will be playing in bowls this season. (Notre Dame, Oregon, USC, UCLA, Washington, Oregon State,Arizona, San Jose State and Duke. Seriously.)

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If you’re reading this.

September 20, 2012

You’re already too late to get in line for the new iPhone 5.   Although the iPhone 4S is not even a year old.   Wonder how many people who stayed up all night kept hearing Siri say “You idiot, go home to sleep”

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A spat between two female flight attendants on an American Eagle flight at JFK got so heated the pilots decided to return to the gate for a new crew. For future, wonder if the airline is considering rescheduling the women, adding onboard mud and charging for inflight entertainment.

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Ann Romney today fired back at the media and critics of her husband: “Stop it. This is hard. You want to try it? Get in the ring.” Nothing personal against Ann, but what does she think being in the White House would be like?

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So have to wonder, if Matt Kemp had been suspended last month, would the Dodgers be leading the NL West?

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Bruce Springsteen has purchased an Olympic gold medal winning horse for this daughter. Does this mean “the Boss” is thinking of running for office?

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The first college football playoff hasn’t even started and commissioners are considering adding another game to be part of the semifinal rotation. Translation, the SEC wants more guaranteed games.

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This bus to hell moment brought to you by my friend Jim Barach.  “A California man is being accused of murdering his wife by slow cooking her. His attorney says the charges are a crock.”

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Wal-mart says they are phasing out the sale of Kindles. Guess it’s hard when your target customers don’t read.

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New Arkansas coach John L. Smith has filed for bankruptcy, declaring $25.7 million in debt. $25.7 million?!! So after coaching is Smith considering a run for Congress?

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Mitt Romney attacked President Obama’s saying he has learned “you can’t change Washington from inside, only from the outside.” Saying HE will fix it from the inside. Of course someone in 2007 said, “I don’t think you change Washington from the inside. I think you change it from the outside.” Yep. Romney, campaigning against John McCain.

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Florida Atlantic DE Carl Pelini says of their games this week with Alabama, that the Tide “ain’t what people think,” and “can be beat.” Sounds like what some of the cockier Christians said about the Lions.

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To show his support for Alex Smith, SF Giants manager Bruce Bochy has now been photographed wearing a SF 49ers cap. Out of habit, the NFL tried to fine him too.

Growing, growing, gone….

August 14, 2012

A new study says 12 states have very high (over 30% of adults) obesity rates: Alabama, Arkansas, Indiana, Kentucky, Louisiana, Michigan, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, South Carolina, Texas and West Virginia. Most of them red states. Which either means higher healthcare costs or less people alive to collect Social Security….

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Apparently a $100 million-dollar intrusion-detection system JFK Airport failed to detect a man who WALKED onto a runway Sunday. Gosh, if there were only something that could have seen him, like a human eye, for example?

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Once again, and not for the last time, I miss Molly Ivins. And would SO love to read her column on the Romney-Ryan ticket.

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Dolphins coach Joe Philbin said that Chad Johnson wasn’t released because of any single incident. Really? Then why release him the day after his arrest? (Maybe Philbin’s auditioning for a career in politics.)

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Isn’t education grand? Seminoles star Greg Reid, who was dismissed from FSU after multiple offenses, the last a traffic and marijuana arrest in Valdosta,  Georgia, has announced he is transferring….to Valdosta State.

(You would think there were one or two small colleges in the South where the cops don’t know him by name.)

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R.I.P Helen Gurley Brown, 90, who once said “good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere.” Well, I guess now she’ll find out.

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Out of habit this week wonder if NBC will air the Nightly News tape-delayed at midnight?

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And you think you have travel problems… Two first class passengers delayed a Qantas flight from Los Angeles to Melbourne because the airline didn’t have XL pyjamas available for them. (They refused business class PJs and decided to get off the plane.)

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All passengers were safely evacuated after a United Airlines plane caught fire before taking off from Seattle last night. Stand by for United tickets adding a $5 fire extinguisher fee.

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Bristol Palin on Paul Ryan “Pray for his family. Pray that he can meet the challenges of the campaign trail without being burned by the spotlight.” Nothing against Ryan personally, and sounds like he has a nice family, but hey, what about the challenges being a potential President?

Oklahoma, More than O.K.

June 7, 2012

How young are the Oklahoma City Thunder? For example, Russell Westbrook and Kevin Durant, both 24, are basically the same age Mark Madsen was during his senior year playing basketball at Stanford.

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On the other hand, how old are the San Antonio Spurs?  Well, they won’t win the NBA championship, but at least the team’s playoff winnings should be supplemented by Medicare.

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Jeb Bush said in an interview today that he probably should have run for president in 2012: “This was probably my time.,” Translation “These clowns in the primary made even my brother look smart by comparison.”

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Some seem surprised that most of the Sandusky jurors have ties to Penn State. Uh, folks, the trial is in Bellefonte, Pennsylvania, population 6,187, 12 miles from the PSU campus. Why else would you move there WITHOUT ties to Penn State?

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Sports fans in Los Angeles may not normally pay much attention to hockey. But they are really getting into this idea of a Kings sweep to win the Stanley Cup. In fact, when asked on Wednesday,  many of them said they can’t wait for  the night’s kickoff.

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Ya think Bill Clinton still misses the presidential limelight? At this point it would be a close call to measure him and Donald Trump for the larger ego.

June 6 was the 44th anniversary of the death of RFK after he was assassinated following the California primary. Had he lived, Kennedy would be 87 years old. Or as Larry King would say “Still a mere child.”

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In the latest installment of the second Roger Clemens perjury trial, a expert paid by the defense testified that Clemens’ DNA found on a syringe needle could have been placed there intentionally. Here’s the real question at this point. Is there anyone left in America who really cares anymore? -

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45 people were just indicted in Puerto Rico for drug smuggling. American Airlines employees were allegedly transporting and loaded suitcases filled with cocaine to the cargo area, and putting them on flights to Miami, Orlando and Newark. Hmm, was it a tip off that the luggage handlers were working really really fast?

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Regarding Wisconsin: I am no fan of Scott Walker, but it still strikes me that recalls are a waste of money. You have buyer’s remorse, wait until the next election and think about your vote more carefully the next time.


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