Posted tagged ‘Trump jokes’
July 15, 2016
ESPN reports that the Yankees, at 44-44, are 38 losses away from their first under .500 season since 1992.
(No punchline, just with all the crap going on in the world I felt like sharing it. And after tonight, 37.)
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Roger Goodell “I think all of us have evolved a little bit on the gambling. To me, where I cross the line is anything that can impact that integrity of the game.” “Integrity of the game?!” And Goodell said it with a straight face.
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Our long national nightmare is over: Tom Brady has announced he will “no longer proceed with the legal process,” and serve his four-game Deflategate suspension.
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GOP #TrumpPence ticket has #TP logo. If some creative #Dem isn’t selling bathroom tissue by Monday, will be very disappointed in America
New slogan for @HillaryClinton – “Clinton 2016, because TP will just take America down the toilet.”
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Will #MikePence support right of Indiana businesses not to display that tightly interwoven TP logo on religious freedom grounds? #TrumpPence
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With Mick Jagger having another child at the age of 72, how long before some company comes up with a combo pack of father-baby diapers?
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There has been an attempted military coup going on in Turkey and apparently at the moment “it is unclear who is in charge.”
Well, the same can often be said of Washington, D.C.
This is not a good weekend for Europe. But have to wonder, just how upset is Donald Trump that events have overtaken his VP selection for headline news?
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Looking at the Emmy nominations makes me feel old- I remember when network shows actually got nominated.
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So now we have this new summer “Black Friday” and all these announced sales? For what reason, because somehow Americans don’t have enough stuff? #sarcasm
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Newt Gingrich, in a last ditch attempt to overtake Mike Pence on the crazy train to be Trump’s running mate: We should “test every person here who is of a Muslim background, and if they believe in Sharia, they should be deported,”
Of course, those who are anti-minority, anti-gay and/or anti-women for “Western” reasons, well, not only should they not be deported but heaven forbid we stop them being armed.
Jeb Bush, in an op-ed today in the Washington Post said some in the GOP were “making us seem anti-immigrant, anti-woman, anti-science, anti-gay, anti-worker and anti-common-sense.”
SEEM????!
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Brady jokes, Goodell jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, pence jokes, tp jokes, Trump jokes, Yankees jokes
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July 12, 2016
Tonight was David Ortiz’s last All-Star game as Big Papi is retiring. The Red Sox slugger could become even more beloved if he takes Joe Buck with him.
NL loses #AllStarGame again, along with home field advantage for #WorldSeries, after stranding 10. Clearly #Madbum should have pinch hit.
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Just thinking #JohnnyCueto may be regretting how well he bonded with his #KCRoyals teammates last year. #AllStarGame
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Marlins pitcher Jose Fernandez said tonight he’d groove fastballs to David Ortiz in All-Star Game because “I want to see him hit a home run.”
Well, not like the game means anything… other than home field advantage in the World Series. #SMH
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Tim Duncan skipped his own retirement news conference today. But no doubt Kobe Bryant will soon call a press conference to discuss how it felt for him to play with Duncan.
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So now the Holocaust Museum in Washington D.C. has had to ask PokemonGO players to stop playing the game – in their museum. Maybe some of these idiots should be playing it instead in traffic.
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Another Tesla autopilot crash this weekend, this time nonfatal. The driver apparently reported that he did not have his hands on the wheel, and he did not hear warnings. But the car’s warnings are in English and he speaks Mandarin.
Beginning to think these cars should come with copies of the latest Darwin awards.
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The Black Panther Party says they are going to protest at the GOP convention, and “if it is an open state to carry we will exercise our Second Amendment rights because there are other groups threatening to be there that are threatening to do harm to us.”
Can’t wait for the NRA’s defense of gun rights on this one.
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#BernieSanders today “I have come here today not to talk about the past…” Who wrote his speech, Mark McGwire?
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A man identified only as “John Doe 150” said when he was 14 he told Joe Paterno about abuse by Jerry Sandusky and that the Penn State coach responded “‘I don’t want to hear about any of that kind of stuff, I have a football season to worry about?'”
Would be less awful if that hasn’t been the response of big-time college football and the NFL to most off-field issues..
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Fox News has suspended Newt Gingrich’s contract. “Due to the intense media speculation about Gingrich’s potential selection as Donald Trump’s V.P candidate, we felt it best to half his contributor role on the network to avoid all conflicts of interest that may arise.”
But until now, Newt has been “fair and balanced?” #SMH
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In Florida a woman was taken to the hospital for evaluation after she drove into a house and told police she was praying with her eyes closed. This is not I think what Carrie Underwood meant with #Jesustakethewheel.
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#BernieSanders didn’t exactly look thrilled to be on stage today with #HillaryClinton Maybe he and #ChrisChristie can form a support group.
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Donald Trump, upset about Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s negative comments about him, says she should leave the bench “as soon as possible.” Uh, if the Donald thinks Elizabeth Warren is aggravating wait until he starts really jousting with Notorious RBG. #passthepopcorn
Donald Trump on RBG “I think it’s highly inappropriate that a United States Supreme Court judge gets involved in a political campaign, frankly.” Right, they should wait until after the vote and then determine the result.
During a memorial for the slain Dallas police offices, which was also attended by George W. and Laura Bush, President Obama stated at one point ‘We flood communities with so many guns that it is easier for a teenager to buy a Glock than to get his hands on a computer.’
Obama was criticized by many conservative for being political. But none of them said he was wrong.
(maybe the President should have said, any teenager with a gun who wants a computer could easily steal one?)
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, travel jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: All-Star Game jokes, bernie jokes, Christie jokes, cueto jokes, Gingrich jokes, gun jokes, Janice Hough, pokemongo jokes, Trump jokes
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July 11, 2016
No farewell tour for Tim Duncan, unless you say it was the same quiet tour he was on for almost two decades.
Of course unlike Kobe, Duncan figured his last season would extend beyond the regular season.
#TimDuncan will be in Hall of Fame for many reasons. But this stat will probably never be matched again. He played 19 years, for ONE coach.
Draymond Green was arrested on assault charges in Michigan after what a police source called “basically an altercation between two guys.” And at this point, the Warriors and NBA have to be thinking “Well, at least it wasn’t a woman.”
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Congrats to #JohnnyCueto for being named NL All-Star game starting pitcher. Not a bad consolation prize for #SFGiants not getting Zack Greinke
You could have actually bet on the Home Run Derby winner tonight in Las Vegas. And if you seriously bet, and care, you just MIGHT have a gambling problem.
(But if you bet on Celebrity Softball you DEFINITELY have a problem.)
Ok, probably didn’t want to see him risk injury with 50 plus swings. But would have been fun to see a #MadBum cameo in #HomeRunDerby
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San Diego Padres All-Star Wil Myers today told the media “East Coast Mexican food is better than West Coast Mexican food.” Has someone checked Myers for concussions?
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So many top #NL pitchers won’t be playing in this year’s All-Star game you’d almost think it was an Olympic event.
(or as my friend Steve L. says “or the GOP convention.)
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Jordan Spieth is the latest golfer to withdraw from the Olympics. If this keeps up maybe Tiger Woods should consider going to Rio – he could win by attrition.
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United flight from San Francisco to Frankfurt delayed almost two hours due to “catering difficulties.” Wouldn’t it have been faster to call Domino’s?
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Starbucks is giving all US store employees and managers at least a 5% raise this year, plus improved stock benefits. And soon no doubt a generous low-interest loan payment plan for their regular customers.
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#PokemonGO, the hottest new app in years, but it has security risks. As in players are likely to walk into trees. other people, & traffic.
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Donald Trump today called himself the “law and order candidate.” As in “I make my own laws and don’t follow orders.”
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GOP now pushing for a perjury probe against Hillary Clinton over her emails. Because of course they wanted the same probe with the Bush administration over those alleged WMDs. Oh, wait, never mind.
Got a free sample of Eye Repair Cream today, a solid white cream that claims to “reduce the look of dark circles and puffiness.” On the back – “For external use only.” #beammeupScottietheresnointelligentlifeonthisplanet
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As #BernieSanders prepares to endorse #HillaryClinton anyone but me half expect him to say at the last minute “Just kidding”?
With joke writing, you never know in advance about getting material, except this week – when Donald Trump will announce his running mate
Categories: baseball jokes, basketball jokes, GOP jokes, Hillary jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, draymond green jokes, duncan jokes, home run derby jokes, Janice Hough, madbum jokes, pokemon jokes, Starbucks jokes, tim duncan, Trump jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
July 7, 2016
Most people are good, most police are good. Guns make it too easy for the assholes.
(picture taken earlier tonight during the protest.)
It really is awful news out of #Dallas. Not even sure what questions to ask. But more and bigger guns are NOT the answer.
So every time we see a terrorist attack anywhere around the world many want to make America a lot less of a free country. And yet, when we have shootings, even mass shootings, here at home, those same people wouldn’t dream of making it even a little harder to get guns.
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Not that the jokes are more important, but laughter does beat crying….So back to the attempts at humor:
#KevinDurant on meeting #Warriors “It was organic. It was authentic.” Is #KD talking basketball or becoming a spokesman for #WholeFoods?
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Lots of emails from the SF Giants about voting often for Brandon Belt for the All-Star Team, and no doubt other teams are doing the same for their players. So here we have a game that “counts” for home field advantage during the World Series, and the teams are partly filled by good old-fashioned ballot box stuffing. God Bless America.
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Johnny Cueto leads #MLB in complete games. #Cueto has had an up-close view of the #SFGiants bullpen this season. #coincidence?
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Matt Harvey, 4-10 with a 4.86 ERA, is considering season-ending surgery. Of course, the way he’s been pitching, his season as a Mets starter could be ending soon anyway.
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Cardinals placed Matt Carpenter on 15-day disabled list with a right oblique strain. Starting to feel old, I remember before players had obliques.
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Amazing, the same House that couldn’t find time for votes on gun control can find time for hearings on Hillary Clinton’s emails. I sure hope this doesn’t distract them from their important business of trying to repeal Obamacare again.
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Bernie Sanders is reportedly going to endorse Hillary Clinton next Tuesday. Waiting for some of his supporters to claim the endorsement was rigged.
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Tom Brady has just declined Donald Trump’s invitation to speak at the GOP convention. Did someone inform the Patriots QB that Democrats and moderates buy his jerseys too?
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Bill O’Reilly showed old pictures yesterday of Barack Obama at a Muslim wedding, as some sort of proof of the President’s real identity. So when will O’Reilly start in with these GOP candidates who insist, despite their voting records, that they are not homophobic because they have attended a gay wedding?
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Hillary Clinton is a long way from perfect. But just guessing, if she had used a government server for her email Republicans would now be after her claiming she had illegally sent personal or campaign emails with the account, or something. Because when it comes to the GOP and Hillary, as Roseanne Rosannadanna said “It’s always something.”
Hardest thing about writing #DonaldTrump posts, having to double check all his statements to make sure they’re #NottheOnion
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Ted Cruz announced he has accepted Donald Trump’s invitation to speak at the GOP convention. Guess the Donald figured he didn’t have time to start a reality show to find speakers?
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Britain’s Conservative Party chose Theresa May and Andrea Leadsom as the final two candidates in the race to succeed David Cameron, meaning the next Prime Minister WILL be a woman.
So shall we start a pool in how long it takes Trump to insult one or both of them?
#Trump leaning towards #Gingrich as his V.P. choice? So six wives worked for Henry VIII, the Donald thinks it will work for his ticket?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: All-Star jokes, cueto jokes, email jokes, Janice Hough, sanders jokes, Trump jokes, Warriors jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
July 6, 2016
Oklahoma City Mayor Mick Cornett, on Durant’s departure “We’re stunned…. We’ve been spurned by someone we cared deeply about.” “Tell us about it,” said every basketball fan in Seattle.
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What’s more surprising at this point? That the SF Giants at 54-33 have the best record in MLB? Or that they have done it while blowing 17 saves.
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Charles Barkley is now saying that Kevin Durant is jumping on the Golden State “gravy train” to win a ring. Hmm, so did the Warriors turn down Sir Charles’ offer to ride their bench to get himself a title?
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This upcoming Summer Olympics has an official bug spray company. (OFF) Which kind of tells you all you need to know about Rio now.
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Ashley Madison has now admitted that some women on its site were actually virtual computer programs. Who’d a thunk it – a website designed for cheaters, was operated by cheaters.
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Bernie Sanders in a meeting with House Democrats today allegedly said “the goal is not to win elections.” Even Dennis Kucinich is thinking this guy may not quite be in touch with reality.
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Ben Carson tweeted “Social media provides a great platform for discourse, but we must be careful with the messages we send out.” Yep, someone’s definitely not on Trump’s VP list….
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Tennessee Sen. Bob Corker took himself off Trump’s VP short list today. This is like “the Bachelor-Bachelorette”, but with many of the contestants just saying no to the rose.
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Former Fox News host Gretchen Carlson is suing Roger Ailes for sexual harassment. So how long until they make fun of her on Fox and Friends
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In the UK they have spent 7 years and millions of pounds on the “Chilcot” report, probing the reasons that Britain joined the US in the Iraq war. The 2.6 million word report found that Tony Blair used “exaggerated” evidence to convince the British public that Saddam Hussein had WMDs, evidence that was “presented with a certainty that was not justified.”
But of course none of this is an important as Hillary’s emails.
Hour long delay for thousands of passengers on trains in and out of San Francisco due to moron in car trying to beat train across tracks. He lost. But only damaged car. Alas, no Darwin.
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Bob Corker, who still supports Trump but withdrew from V.P consideration “His best running mate, by the way, would be Ivanka.”
So is it required for a Trump supporter to be creepy?
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You really cannot make this “stuff” up. Paul Ryan says Hillary Clinton was “reckless” in handling classified materials, so she should be denied access to classified materials during the general election.
Right, as opposed to the completely un-reckless GOP nominee?
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From Bill Littlejohn “With the signing of Kevin Durant, the Warriors have more expectations than anything outside of a fertility clinic..”
Categories: baseball jokes, Hillary jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: durant jokes, email jokes, Fox jokes, Janice Hough, okc jokes, sanders jokes, Seattle jokes, Trump jokes, wmd jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
July 5, 2016
The FBI says they will not press charges against Hillary Clinton. Director James Comey says there was no “clear evidence” of intentional misconduct. So this will change exactly zero minds on Hillary’s guilt or innocence.
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FBI director James Comey did say Hillary Clinton was “extremely careless” but if GOP is going to condemn a lack of judgment with her emails
what about those Iraq WMDs?
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Until today, Republicans admired FBI director James Comey, like they used to admire judge Merrick Garland.
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FBI director James Comey said “‘no reasonable prosecutor” would bring a case against Clinton for emails. I am sure this will convince the GOP as they’ve reasonably only voted 60 times to repeal Obamacare.
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Paul Ryan tonight said the GOP will hold hearings on the FBI’s decision not to prosecute Hillary Clinton over the emails. Why don’t they run them along with another Benghazi hearing? Would save time.
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Just wondering how many Americans screaming about Hillary #Clinton‘s email server have any idea what an email server actually is.
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Now a drug- resistant bacteria has been found in the water off some of Rio’s most popular beaches. Well security at the Olympics may not be as big a problem as previously feared: if this keeps up even ISIL will be scared to go near the place.
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If Donald Trump wanted to tweet about real #RiggedSystem, he should have ignored Hillary’s emails & talked about #AllStarGame voting.
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More wins than any team in National League & only one position player in the #AllStarGame. But #SFGiants players need the rest anyway. (If the bullpen hadn’t blown 6 of 9 last saves they’d have more wins than any team in baseball.)
#SFGiants now take over the major league lead from the #Reds in blown saves. #notthetitleyouwant
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ESPN is devoting an hour to the MLB “Esurance All-Star Selection Show” tonight. An hour?! So where’s that hacker who leaked the March Madness brackets when we need him or her?
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#SFGiants need to trade for #NolanArenado someday if for no other reason than to keep him from batting against them.
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Best news for #SFGiants with #KevinDurant to #Warriors; even in even year, they’re not the SF Bay Area team most burdened w/ high expectations.
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The Alabama AD self-reported five violations for the 2015-16 academic year against their football team. The school said they were all “secondary violations,” which don’t lead to probation. Well of course, isn’t anything the Crimson Tide football teams do at most a secondary violation.
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To err is human, to really screw things up requires a computer. This is the response I got today on confirming a hotel night….in midtown Manhattan:
ROOM VIEW – OCEAN VIEW
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Apparently some parents were upset to find out that Hooters had sponsored a 3-day Cub Scout camp, and sent a few of their waitresses to volunteer. Even more upset, some fathers whose own Cub Scout volunteer days may now be over.
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Meanwhile, while some Americans freak out over terrorism, more than 60 people were shot in Chicago over the 4th of July weekend; four died.
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Clinton campaign statement on the FBI decision not to charge her over emails: “We are glad this matter is now resolved.”
Glad for no charges I can see, but “resolved?” Right, like Obama’s birth certificate, or Obamacare for that matter, ever was resolved with many in the GOP… #shecandream
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Donald Trump today on Saddam Hussein: “He was a bad guy — really bad guy. But you know what? He did well? He killed terrorists.”
Yeah, along with only maybe 250,000-500,000 Iraqis. #ThisIShimtryingtobePresidential
Categories: airline jokes, baseball jokes, Hillary jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: All-Star Game jokes, Clinton jokes, email jokes, fbi jokes, james comey jokes, Janice Hough, MLB AllStar game jokes, SFGiants jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
June 30, 2016
After leading the Brexit movement, Boris Johnson has now said he doesn’t want to be Prime Minister. Whatever happened to “You break it, you buy it.”
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The Dodgers have put Clayton Kershaw on the DL with a herniated disc. SF Giants are wishing Kershaw well, and thinking “Don’t risk your career and health, take the rest of the summer off.”
Madison Bumgarner was the first pitcher since 1976 to be scheduled to bat for himself in an AL park. And he doubled to lead off the 3rd in a six-run inning. Clearly this was all the #SFGiants needed to wake them up after a horrible evening.. #PitchersWhoRake #PitchersWhoInspire
#SFGiants played much better defense tonight. Presumably they didn’t want to screw up & have to answer to #Madbum #Pitcherswhocanhandleabat
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Johnny Manziel has apparently been suspended four games for violating the NFL’s substance abuse policy. Well, gosh, hope that doesn’t make some team decide it would be risky to sign him.
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Disney World has apparently pulled Louis the alligator, from their Princess and the Frog movie, from the new Friendship Faire Castle Show, and Peter Pan’s Tick-Tock the Croc, from the Festival of Fantasy Parade.
Good thing that poor little boy didn’t get run over in the Anaheim parking lot, or Disney might have had to close Cars Land.
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Rolando McClain, the Dallas Cowboys LB who was suspended for the 1st four games of the 2015 NFL season for violating the league’s substance abuse policy, has now been suspended the first 10 games of this season for violating the same policy.
At some point it’s not a suspension for drugs, it’s a suspension for stupidity.
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The FDA is now saying not to eat raw cookie dough, because uncooked flour can be hazardous to your health. Hmm, sounds like an opportunity for millions of Americans to start describing themselves as courageous risk takers.
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Utah senator Mike Lee says he won’t support Donald Trump because Trump attacked ‘my best friend’ – Ted Cruz. Shocking. Cruz has a best friend?
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Gwyneth Paltrow was apparently shocked to hear that Star Magazine declared her “the most hated celebrity.” “What did I do?” Well, cluelessness is a good start….-
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A new USA Today poll shows Americans by 4-1 margin agree that the Brexit vote to leave the EU “was a sign of anger and dissatisfaction that can be seen in other countries, including the United States.”
Wonder how many Americans have any idea what the EU is?
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Mike Ditka has declined Donald Trump’s invitation to speak at the Republican National Convention. Guess he hasn’t been hit on the head THAT many times.
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One of the Istanbul airport attackers was apparently Russian. So much for that Trump-Putin bromance.
Donald Trump today, speaking as a plane buzzed overhead “That could be a Mexican plane up there. They’re getting ready to attack.” Isn’t it nice that that Donald is trying to be more Presidential?
Categories: baseball jokes, football jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: boris johnson jokes, brexit jokes, bumgarner jokes, GOP convention jokes, Janice Hough, Putin jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
June 25, 2016
Northern Ireland lost to Wales in Euro 2016 on an own goal. That’s the worst self-inflicted misery in the UK since… Thursday.
Sunday is NASCAR Sonoma, and the Pride Parade in San Franciso. Now there are two events that I’m guessing do not have a lot of overlap.
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Fans in Cleveland have created a “Cleveland Indians Championship Parade.” And the Indians are actually in first place in the AL Central. Maybe God is taking pity on the city for hosting the GOP 2016 convention.
Haven’t been paying close attention to the #CollegeWorldSeries this year. So when were the Minnesota Twins eliminated?
Someone needs to tell #SFGiants offense that just because #MadisonBumgarner is pitching doesn’t mean they can take night off. #nosupport
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FOX News reported yesterday that Great Britain had voted to leave, not the EU, but the UN. Same difference, right? #sarcasm #nottheOnion
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#ballotremorse Over 1.6 million people in Britain have signed a petition for another E.U. referendum, basically a do-over. And a whole lot of U.S. GOP voters are going “you can do that?”
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#GeorgeWill has announced he has left the #GOP over #Trump. So who said Trump couldn’t bring about any real change?
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Ben Carson just called for a “civil discussion” about guns: “Let’s put on the table – what is the reason for the Second Amendment…And, is there a reason that we need to change those things right now.”
Wow. Sounds like someone’s given up on the idea of being Trump’s running mate.
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Donald Trump asked about his proposed Muslim ban by the UK Daily Mail.”‘I don’t want people coming in from the terror countries. You have terror countries.” Then, in the same interview “‘I don’t want them, unless they’re very, very strongly vetted.”
Once again, the Donald is running against himself.
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Evangelical author James Dobson says that “it’s fairly recent” but Donald Trump has accepted Jesus Christ. Ah, but has Jesus Christ accepted Donald Trump?
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In Texas, Christy Sheats, a mother and gun rights advocate, wrote a scathing Facebook post in March about Obama and gun control: “It would be horribly tragic if my ability to protect myself or my family were to be taken away.” Yesterday, Sheats was fatally shot by police after she shot and killed her 22 and 17 year old daughters.
Well, clearly the girls should have been armed.
From Bill Littlejohn “In the wake of her two year suspension, Maria Sharapova is going to attend Harvard Business School.The anti-doping panel in London calls it ‘Illegally Blonde’
Categories: baseball jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Ben Carson jokes, brexit jokes, College World Series jokes, Fox jokes, Janice Hough, madison bumgarner jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
June 24, 2016
F*ckmuppet might be the word of the year. Anyone want to start printing t-shirts?
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The Brexit vote won largely in Britain with over-60 year old voters. Younger Brits voted “remain”, but had a lower turnout.
Lesson for the younger generation of Americans, if you didn’t like your parents telling you what to do growing up, make damn sure you vote in November.
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You really cannot make this “stuff” up. Google reports that in Britain today the most Googled question was “What does it mean to leave the EU?” But the number TWO question – “What is the EU?” #cantfixstupid
A “Leave” voter interviewed by the BBC today: “I’m a bit shocked to be honest. I didn’t think that was going to happen. I didn’t think my vote was going to matter too much because I thought we were just going to remain.” And then he added that he was “quite worried.”
#facepalm #voteshaveconsequences
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California has been a bit of a laughing stock at times because of all the really important questions we put to a vote with often flawed and misunderstood propositions. But don’t think we’re going to top Britain.
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Well at least England doesn’t have to worry about any more heartbreaking losses in the Eurocup #BrexitVote
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Johnny Manziel’s lawyer accidentally sent a text to the AP which included this about a possible plea deal “Heaven help us if one of the conditions is to pee in a bottle.” Looking like Manziel’s judgment on lawyers is about as good as his judgment on everything else.
#SFGiants should really get a dispensation to open up beer sales again in any 9th inning where Casilla comes in.
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A traveler from New Orleans to Atlanta ended up being the only passenger on a 160-seat Delta plane, And Delta probably still charged him for an aisle seat.
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In Dallas more than 30 people have been treated for burns after Tony Robbins encouraged them to walk on hot coals as a way of conquering their fears. #andthesepeoplevote
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The Battle Creek Bombers, a minor league baseball team, is having “Second Amendment Education Night tonight, sponsored by a local gun dealer. Although guns will not be sold, the event will be “open carry.” Wonder if that includes the umpires.
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The RNC is having a giant picture of Lebron James across from Quicken Loans Arena, a favorite Cleveland spot for selfies, removed before their July convention. What a shame. It also might have been attendees only chance to get a picture featuring an African-American.
QB Tarvaris Jackson, an NFL free agent who was most recently Russell Wilson’s backup with the Seahawks, was arrested in Floriday for allegedly pointing a loaded gun at his wife and threatening to kill her. You know, that might be a little excessive even if Jackson hoped to get signed by the 49ers.
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Okay, Donald Trump is both praising the Brexit vote, and blaming Obama for it. Uh, if Brexit is a good thing, then shouldn’t Trump be giving the President not blame but credit? #logicisacommiepinkoconcepts
Taylor Swift, who just broke up with Calvin Harris, introduced her boyfriend of two weeks, British actor Tom Hiddleston, to her mom Thursday, and then flew with him Friday on her private jet to England to meet HIS mother. Well, the couple may not marry, but at least Swift should get a heck of a song out of it.,
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, texas jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, brexit jokes, england jokes, eu jokes, Janice Hough, leave jokes, Manziel jokes, remain jokes, Trump jokes
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June 23, 2016
History books teach us that Henry VIII united England with Ireland and Wales, and James I/VI united England with Scotland. And now they may well teach us David Cameron and his referendum was the one who dissolved the UK. #cantfixstupid #Brexit
Many Tory MP’s in Britain signed letter saying Cameron had “a duty to stay on” after #Brexit. Right, like captain of Titanic after iceberg.
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#DonaldTrump has traveled to the UK at this time of #Brexit turmol, to visit…. his golf courses? #priorities #clueless
Donald Trump & many of his supporters have been in favor of #Brexit. As the UK economy already is taking a hit before daybreak, #becarefulwhatyouwishfor
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#DonaldTrump due to arrive in #Scotland this am after #Brexit. Too much to hope that he praises vote? (Scots voted strongly for #Remain)
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Gibraltar did vote to stay in the EU. Shocking many Americans who didn’t realize they were part of Britain. #Brexit.
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San Diego came in 2nd (to Buffalo) in a list of the 40 most depressing cities for sports fans. Most San Diegans didn’t notice though, as they were outside on yet another 72 degree sunny day.
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Posted last weekend that Tim Lincecum hadn’t shown he could pitch against major league hitters, but he did show he could pitch against the As. Well, let me revise that, Timmy showed could pitch against the As ONCE. #secondtimenotthecharm
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Kawhi Leonard is the latest NBA player to say he will not play in Rio in 2016. It’s tough to have a Dream Team when it’s looking like a Nightmare Olympics.
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Carmelo Anthony has announced he WILL actually play for Team USA in the Olympics. Makes sense, even with the depleted roster, Carmelo still has a better chance of winning something than while he’s on the Knicks.
Elizabeth Warren showed up last night on the House floor with several boxes of Dunkin’ Donuts. A blatant but futile attempt to elicit #NoBillNoBreak support from Chris Christie.
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Many people were injured and the gunman shot dead by police in a theater attack in Germany today. No definite word on who the man was, if he were Muslim so conservatives can blame “radical Islam,” or neo-Nazi so they can blame mental illness.
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Just to prove that the US doesn’t have a monopoly on a paranoid electorate, there was a hashtag #usepens trending in Britain Thursday. Because of “warnings” that pencil-written ballots may be erased as part of an government conspiracy to remain in the EU.
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So Paul Ryan calls the Democratic sit-in over gun control a “publicity stunt” and “fundraising stunt.” As opposed to the over 60 times the GOP House has voted to repeal Obama…?.
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Jerry Falwell, Jr, the president of Liberty University, posted a picture of himself and his wife with Donald Trump, in front of a framed Playboy magazine with Trump on the cover.
Falwell has angrily responded to critics saying it’s a “decades-old” cover. Next presume Jerry will be attacking the Clintons over Whitewater and Monica Lewinsky.
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A friend whose dog just died is trying to adopt a rescue dog and jumping through all kinds of hoops to prove she is worthy. Probably would be faster if she just bought a gun online and walked into the shelter with it demanding that they give her the dog. #sarcasm #mostly
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From Marc Ragovin, since Rory McIlroy is bailing on Rio over the Zika virus. “I guess we can say that McIlroy is bugging out on the Olympics.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: brexit jokes, britain jokes, cameron jokes, Janice Hough, Lincecum jokes, NBA jokes, Scotland jokes, Team USA jokes, Trump jokes
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June 22, 2016
During the Cavs victory parade Cleveland’s JR Smith held up a “2016 Election” sign with a check next to his game instead of Clinton or Trump. How silly. Smith couldn’t really win Ohio. King James on the other hand….
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Bernie Sanders said today “”It doesn’t appear that I’m going to be the nominee.” In related news, the Thunder say it doesn’t appear they’re going to be the 2016 NBA Champions.
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The NHL has approved an expansion team in Las Vegas. Well, this actually could be a major boon for the league. Americans love any sport when they can bet on it.
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Former House Speaker Dennis Hastert today began a 15-month prison sentence for hiding money transactions. The money was allegedly hush money after his repeated sexual abuse of young boys.
“I feel so sorry for him”, said nobody.
New York City is going to start offering free sanitary napkins, pads and tampons at public facilities. Of course, the city had has no problem already with a full supply of douche bags.
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#ESPNBodyIssue coming out in July & MLB will be represented by #JakeArrieta. What, no #BartoloColon?
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Democrats members staging #NoBillNoBreak sit-in on House floor to demand vote on gun control. Time for GoFundMe campaign for portapotties?
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The #GOP is keeping #CSpan from televising the #NoBillNoBreak Democratic sit-in. So guns are not dangerous but cameras are?
As the #NoBillNoBreak sit-in continued, GOP Rep. Louie Gohmert approached the (literally) sitting members of Congress and yelled ‘Radical Islam!’ Hmm, if only the Democrats were armed.
–#DustyBaker bobblehead night at #DodgerStadium. Nothing against Dusty, great #SFGiants manager. But a Dodger bobblehead? #sacrilege
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You know it’s a bad weather week in the U.S. when you have a friend in Arizona and another friend/client is traveling in Saudi Arabia. and you hear Ridayh is cooler than Phoenix.
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Marco Rubio, who pledged he would not return to the Senate if he lost the GOP nomination, today announced his bid for re-election. Of course, given his continued absentee record maybe Marco just meant he won’t be returning to the Senate very often.
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Burger King is now testing “Mac N’ Cheetos.” These are Cheetos-breaded deep-fried macaroni and cheese sticks. So you can order a Whopper and feel healthy by comparison?
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Donald Trump today accused Hillary Clinton of being “an extension of Obama,”
And right about now most Americans would take that deal..
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Trump today called Hillary Clinton a “world-class liar.” So was Trump himself lying in 2012 when he told Fox News ““Hillary Clinton I think is a terrific woman… I think she really works hard and I think she does a good job. I like her.”
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Paul Ryan was asked today if he trusts Trump. He chuckled and said “it depends on the issue.” Hmm, would the Speaker care to give examples? Or would my friends and readers care to help him?
Categories: baseball jokes, football jokes, GOP jokes, Hillary jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: #NoBillNoBreak, Arizona jokes, Bartolo Colon jokes, Cleveland jokes, hastert jokes, Heat jokes, Janice Hough, NHL jokes, Rubio jokes, sanders jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
June 21, 2016
Tonight have to give it to Scotland. Where about 100 locals got together to buy some land near one of Donald Trump’s golf courses. And in advance of the Donald’s visit they planted this flag.
(yes, that is the Mexican flag.)
Well, I guess the SF GIants sympathy scoreless streak in honor of the Warriors at the end of Game 7 NBA Finals is officially over. (First runs scored in the 4th, 15-4 final win over the Pirates.)
On a brighter note for the Pirates, Monday Erik Kratz hit 1st home run, off #Madbum, today he pitched scoreless 9th, & struck out Belt.. Now that’s just piling on. #SFGIants
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Tuesday is #NationalSelfieDay. Wonder how many celebrated the day by also vying for a #DarwinAward?
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You really cannot make this “stuff” up. A GOP Congressional candidate for Congress is running a contest on his FB page to give away a AR-15 rifle. In Florida. Wonder if Muslim-Americans are allowed to enter.
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Wendy Bell, a former Pittsburgh news anchor was fired after she posted on Facebook in March about unidentified shooting suspects “You needn’t be a criminal profiler to draw a mental sketch of the killers…. They are young black men, likely in their teens or in their early 20s….”
Now Bell says she was fired because she is white. Nope, she was fired for being stupid. #Facebookitsaprivilegenotaright
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Lebron James, Jr, age 11, apparently already has scholarship offers from Kentucky and Duke. Not sure if dad will give his son any advice, other than not to announce his decision on an ESPN special.
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Donald Trump’s campaign has apparently spent over $6 million, about 10% of their total expenditures, into Trump branded products, from water to wine to hotels.
Not sure the reaction is “That’s appalling.” Or “That’s shocking, only 10%?”
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Donald Trump’s latest to evangelical leaders, “We don’t know anything about Hillary in terms of religion.”
So he’s saying they should vote for someone like him who’s been married three times and wants to date his own daughter? #smh
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Donald Trump has added Michele Bachmann to his Evangelical Advisory Board. #Jesuswept
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US. Rep. Steve King, upset about the idea of Harriet Tubman on the $20, is proposing an amendment to a House bill to ban the use of funds to redesign any Federal Reserve note or coin. No matter that such an amendment would also stop the government from anti-counterfeiting measures. #Cantfixstupid #butyoucanreelectstupid
Categories: baseball jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, Alabama jokes, college football jokes, Giants jokes, Janice Hough, mexico jokes, Trump jokes
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June 20, 2016
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SF Giants looking like they’re the Bay Area team hungover after the Warriors loss.
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President Obama waited with his family on Air Force One after the plane landed on Sunday at Andrews so he could watch the last two minutes of the NBA Finals game 7. And during that time the President scored exactly as many points as the Warriors.
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So if you count end of #Game7 the #Warriors & #SFGiants have now been held scoreless for 4 minutes, 39 seconds & 9 innings.
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On the subject of “best ever seasons,” the SF Giants have won 100 games or more three times, in 1962, 1993 and 2003. The first time they lost in 7 to the Yankees, the second time they didn’t make the playoffs, the third time they were bounced in the first round.
As a Giants fan I’ll take the more plebian 2010, 2012 and 2014 seasons.
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Hard morning for #Warriors fans. But it’s got to hurt a little less when your last championship t-shirt doesn’t even have stains on it yet..
Although it didn’t work out with an RBI for the SFGiants, the Pirates pulled their starter in the 7th, because they didn’t want him to face Madison Bumgarner. No joke. #Pitcherswhorake.
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Yuck. Four hikers died this weekend in Arizona, as Phoenix reached 118 degrees and Tucson reached 115. Awful, but isn’t hiking when the temperature is at oven temperature levels basically going for a Darwin award?
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A Louisiana prosecutor has declined to charge two Alabama football players who were arrested last month on charges of possession of a controlled dangerous substance and illegal possession of a stolen firearm. D.A. Jerry Jones. “I want to emphasize once again that the main reason I’m doing this is that I refuse to ruin the lives of two young men who have spent their adolescence and teenage years, working and sweating, while we were all in the air conditioning.”
Who says there’s no compensation for playing college football?
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A SF judge has ruled that two Starbucks customers can pursue their lawsuit claiming that the chain underfills their lattes. The plaintiffs say the chain currently considers the top layer of foamed milk as part of the total volume of the latte.
And of course if Starbucks did fill drinks to the brim without foam, someone would have sued over being burned by overflowing coffee.
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Both Scottie Pippin and Dennis Rodman have just said that the Warriors loss makes the 1995-96 Bulls the NBA’s best ever team. So are they planning to get together with the 1972 Miami Dolphins to crack open some champagne?
The Senate failed to pass four gun control measures today, including one that would simply expand background checks from brick and mortar gun stores to gun shows and online purchases. Well, sure, because no one with “issues” thinking of committing a gun crime would ever think of going to a show or online.
#Profilesnotincourage #whollyownedsubsidiaryoftheNRA–
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So I think I’ve got this straight, GOP thinks it’s okay to profile Muslims in US but not to the extent of forbidding them to buy guns.
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Trump campaign manager Corey Lewandowski has been fired. Shocking many who didn’t realize Trump had anybody running his campaign.
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Wonder if Trump filmed the firing for a future segment of “The Apprentice?”
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Donald Trump is now accusing Jeb Bush of working to try to oust him as the GOP nominee. Uh, leaving the paranoia aside, based on “Jeb!”s campaign, why would the Donald be worried about Bush actually accomplishing anything?
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Somewhere even Richard Nixon has to be thinking that Donald Trump is more than a bit paranoid.
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From TC ” Singer Don MacLean and his wife have finalized their divorce and a settlement of $10M has been agreed upon. So… “Bye Bye to a 10 million dollar piece of pie….”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Cavs jokes, finals jokes, hot weather jokes, Janice Hough, NBA jokes, Starbucks jokes, Trump jokes, Warriors jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
June 19, 2016
Best thing about #NBAFinals game 7. Tomorrow morning we wake up to nothing but baseball for a while.
Last time #Cleveland won a championship, forget the cellphones, fans had to share their enthusiasm by telegraph. #NBAFinals
Maybe #Cavs win is God’s way of apologizing to #Cleveland for inflicting #DonaldTrump on the city next month with #GOPConvention #NBAFinals
“The great, great venture capitalists who built company after company, that’s not an accident. And none of this is an accident, either. .. We’ve crushed them on the basketball court, and we’re going to for years because of the way we’ve built this team. We’re light-years ahead of probably every other team in structure, in planning, in how we’re going to go about things.”
Maybe mean bitch karma didn’t like Warriors’ owner Joe Lacob’s March 30, 2016 interview with the NY Times
Vegas has already set 2017 NBA Championshp odds. #Warriors #Cavs then #Spurs as favorites. They couldn’t even have waited until #NBADraft?
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Rays fans were booing the loud chants of #LetsGoGiants in Tropicana Field. Of course one solution for teams who don’t like all the visiting #SFGiants fans would be to sell out their own ballparks.
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In the first two innings of today’s #SFGiants #Rays game, Jake Peavy allowed 3 hits and hit one batter. He also pitched through 3 errors, one of them his own. Anyone who figured he would pitch six innings with only 1 run allowed is someone I want on my team for Liar’s Dice.
For non golf fans, Dustin Johnson put ice-water in his veins, or something, and won the U.S. Open by 3 strokes. But the short version is that USGA officials determined a possible one-stroke penalty wouldl be assessed against him for accidentally moving a ball on the 5th hold of the final round. . And they advised all players of this. Johnson found out when he was on the 12th tee… But said they wouldn’t decided until after play was over if it was a penalty. Soe for the last several holes of the US Open no one on the leader board had any idea what the real score was. Seriously. There have been a lot of contenders for the title “worst officiating ever in sports” But the USGA is now winning.
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Actor Scott Baio (who?) , on President Obama ” I can’t tell if he’s dumb, he’s a Muslim or he’s a Muslim sympathizer, and I don’t think he’s dumb.”
Another graduate of the Palin “stupidity to pretend you’re still relevant” school.
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Ouch, Actor Anton Yelchin was killed last night when for some reason he got out of his car in his own driveway and it slid backward, pinning him against a brick mailbox and security fence. Clearly he should have been armed.
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In Ohio, a gun shop owner was accidentally shot dead by one of his students during a “conceal and carry class.” The student was doing a “weapon malfunctions” drill. #youcannotmakethisstuffup
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Trump today said that we “really need to look at profiling” Muslims in this country. At the same time he wants Muslim-Americans to report if their neighbors, family and friends are acting suspiciously. Yeah, this is going to work out well.
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Steven Spielberg is planning a remake of West Side Story. Maybe for fun he might want to set it in Italy, as a family drama?
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baio jokes, Cavs jokes, Cleveland jokes, Janice Hough, lacob jokes, NBA finals jokes, NBA jokes, Trump jokes, US open jokes, Warriors jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
June 18, 2016
Ratings have been so high for #NBAFinals waiting for the first conspiracy theorist to suggest #NBA & officials will somehow try to get a game 8.
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Some question as to whether or not Tim #Lincecum was ready to face major league hitting. Looks like he was at least ready to face the Oakland As.
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Vin Scully last night, in talking about a player from Venezuela, said “socialism failing to work, as it always does.” To be fair, maybe Vin is upset about the Dodgers with MLB’s luxury tax and revenue sharing.
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Major difference between the #MEXvCHI rout Saturday in Levi’s Stadium and most #49ers games? Mexico fans filled the stadium and stayed longer.
And at 7-0 at least Chile scored a touchdown.
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Among many ideas for redeveloping Penn Station in New York City, is a proposed thrill ride that would charge $35 for a free fall experience. Uh, okay, but for locals who really enjoy free-falling, aren’t they already satisfied with the Knicks?
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#ChelseaClinton has announced the birth of a baby boy, #HillaryClinton‘s 2nd grandchild. Waiting for the #GOP rebuttal.
Billionaire Charles Koch has not endorsed in the presidential race, but last month he contributed $3 million to “Freedom Partners” a super PAC supporting GOP senators. Maybe the PAC should rename itself honestly – “Republicans Surviving Hillary Because We Won’t Survive Trump.
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A frustrated Donald Trump “It would be helpful if the Republicans could help us a little bit.” The GOP to Trump “Back at ya.”
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The Trump campaign sent out an email “Right now we’re facing an emergency goal of $100,000 to help get our ads on the air. We need your contribution by 11:59 P.M. Tonight.”
Finally, Trump is acting like a real candidate.
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Sarah Palin posted a rant today on Facebook starting out “President Obama is a Special Kind of Stupid.” Does this even need a punchline?
#MSN poll: 74% in US think #Game7 will be close. (34% #Cavs, 40% #Warriors.) Shocking, 74% think any 2016 #NBAFinals game will be close?
Categories: basketball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: chile jokes, copa jokes, Janice Hough, Lincecum jokes, mexico jokes, NBA jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
June 9, 2016
Justin Bieber apparently lost when he got in a fistfight with another fan after game 3 of the NBA Finals. On the brighter side, he reportedly put up a better fight than the Warriors.
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When you’re down 3 to 1 in #StanleyCupFinals isn’t calling it a “must win game” redundant? #Sharks
The way the #SJSharks play on the road vs. at home might they request the #NHL to play #StanleyCup game six in Pittsburgh?
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Mac Williamson hit his first home run for the SF Giants last night. Reports were he traded a signed ball and bat for the ball. Wonder if the signed items had Posey and Bumgarner’s names on them?
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My friend Darren forwards the information that the SF 49ers are favored in ZERO of their 2016 season games.. And somewhere in Ann Arbor you can hear the giggling
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Colin Kaerpernick says that while he and his “team” were looking at “different opportunities”, now “I’m a 49er and excited to work with Chip and his coaching staff. ” Translation, not as if anyone else really wanted me anyway.
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According to Philadelphia Magazine, 46% of voters said that the Phillie Phanatic would make a more qualified President than Donald Trump. Well, and on top of that, who doesn’t love the Phanatic?
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Apparently after NBA Finals game 2, assistant coach Phil Handy went off on the Cavs with a tirade about their performance and questioned the team’s toughness. Maybe Cleveland hired the wrong coach.
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#DraymondGreen did have best line from game 3: “They came out like their season was on the line, & we came out like it was peaches & cream.”
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Headline in Cleveland today? “All you don’t need is Love? #Cavs #KevinLove #NBAFinals
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Apparently three women are trying to raise $30 million for a super PAC titled “Women Vote Trump” So is this to support the Donald or to provide those women with mental health support?
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#PresidentObama is endorsing #HillaryClinton today. Wonder if he told her in a 3 a.m. phone call?
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But really, in 2007 what was less likely, that Obama would be elected, or that he would end up endorsing Hillary?
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#HillaryClinton says #DonaldTrump should delete his #Twitter account. Why? His tweets have to be one of the best things for her campaign.
Elizabeth Warren tonight “Donald Trump is a loud, nasty, thin-skinned fraud who has never risked anything for anyone and serves nobody but himself.” You know, Senator Warren could be really impressive if she would just stop sugarcoating things.
Categories: baseball jokes, GOP jokes, Hillary jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, Cavs jokes, Hillary jokes, Janice Hough, Sharks jokes, Trump jokes, Warren jokes, Warriors jokes
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June 8, 2016
Today Californians went to the polls. And readers who don’t like my political stuff might want to skip down several items, or until the next post.
And for those of us who live in the state, all those annoying primary election ads will finally be over with. The general election ads start tomorrow.
You can call #HillaryClinton a lot of things. But especially given the alternative, people need to get used to the idea of calling her #MadamPresident.
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Absolutely amazing, my California Assembly district 24 is in the middle of Silicon Valley, has been home to Hewlett, Packard, Jobs, Ellison, Zuckerberg etc. And it’s MIDNIGHT election night and we still don’t have more than 71% of the vote counted. Ah technology….
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No network yet calling #CaliforniaPrimary for #Hillary or #Bernie, at 1230a June 8. Maybe they’ll go out on a limb before #Dem convention.
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Would support #Obama for 3rd term if there weren’t an amendment, but time for #Sanders to do as #Hillary did in 2008 #begracious #getonboard
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Really? Now today’s anti-Hillary social media rant is that she was wearing an expensive Armani jacket during a speech on inequality. And if she just wore mass-market clothes she’d be accused of being dowdy and not supporting retailers.
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Donald Trump said tonight he will deliver a “major speech” on the Clintons next week. Like Trump’s “major announcement” in 2012 on Obama’s birth certificate?
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Trump says now his comments about judges were “misconstrued.” Is that the Donald’s way of saying “Oops, even I might have gone too far this time?”
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Lindsey Graham is urging Republicans to rescind their endorsements of Donald Trump after the Donald’s racist comments about judges. Nice start, Senator Graham. Now how about going the next step – as in “We can survive four years of Hillary Clinton, we may not survive four years of Donald Trump.” #justsaynotoTrump
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Albert Suarez has had two starts in the major leagues. Both for the SF Giants. Both times he left with a lead. The first save was blown by Santiago Casilla, tonight’s game was lost in the 10th by Casilla. Maybe the next time Bochy has to get Suarez out of a game, he can promise to keep Casilla out too?
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Madison Bumgarner said in an interview that he isn’t much for souvenir baseballs, but he wishes he had the one he threw to Perez for the last pitch in the 2014 World Series. The ball was popped up for a foul out and was last seen in the possession of Pablo Sandoval. Let’s hope Panda didn’t eat it.
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Someone hacked #NFL twitter feed to announce falsely that #RogerGoodell had died. Out of habit, Goodell will be punishing the #Saints.
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In Missouri, a 15 year old boy apparently accidentally shot himself taking a selfie. Sad, because he was just a kid. But definitely a Darwin award junior division. #Ifonlyhewasarmed. Oh, wait, never mind.
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United Airlines has a new program called “Celebrate by United” where you can order something Duty-Free and have it delivered to a friend or colleague on-board an international flight. Flight attendants must be so thrilled. #whatcouldpossiblygowrong?
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Amazing sidebar to the #BrockTurnerRapist story. He has a sister. Just wondering if father #DanTurner would be so sympathetic to a young man if she had been raped in college. #20minutesofaction
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Plenty of good guys at Stanford too: http://www.nydailynews.com/news/crime/hero-grad-student-describes-catching-stanford-rapist-article-1.2664718
Categories: baseball jokes, GOP jokes, Hillary jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: bernie jokes, California jokes, Hillary jokes, Janice Hough, primary jokes, Red Sox jokes, SFGiants jokes, Trump jokes
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June 2, 2016
Lebron James called the 2014 San Antonio Spurs the best team he’d ever faced. After NBA Finals game 1, where Cleveland was beaten by the Golden State bench, looking like the Cavs couldn’t even come close to beating the 2016 Spurs.
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Some of these officiating delays in the #NBAFinals make you long for the quick decisions of #MLB instant replay. #sarcasm
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In the Barry Bonds days, no one wanted to leave their seat at home or in front of the TV when he was due up to bat. Not that he’s THAT good, but it’s beginning to feel the same way when you know Madison Bumgarner will have an AB. #anythingcanhappen #SFGiants #Pitcherswhorake
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SFGiants have a message for all #DH fans who say no one wants to watch a pitcher hit. #STFU #PitchersWhoRake #PitchersWhoReallyRake #Madbum
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Starbucks is teaming up with Anheuser-Busch for a bottled version of their “Teavana” tea. The product, however, won’t have any actual beer in it. Just like Bud Light.
A Crimson Tide coach, Bo Davis, resigned this spring over illegal contact with a recruit. But Nick Saban has been complaining about the Wolverines’ satellite camps. Jim Harbaugh’s Twitter response “‘Amazing’ to me – Alabama broke NCAA rules & now their HC is lecturing us on the possibility of rules being broken at camps. Truly ‘amazing.’
How much do we want to see Michigan-Alabama in college football now? #whatsyourdeal
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Jeffery Simmons, the 12th ranked DE recruit in the US, was arrested and charged with assault and disturbing the peace this March. A video showed him hitting a woman several times. Mississippi State said Simmons will be given a one-game suspension and allowed to play football, but with “conditions attached.”
The number one condition being that he play well on the field?
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Sad. Prince apparently died of a opiod overdose. So Jehovah’s Witnesses can’t have surgery, but they can drug themselves to death?
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Bernard Marcus, the founder of Home Depot, has endorsed Donald Trump for President. Presumably because he hopes Trump will need to shop at Home Depot to built that wall.
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Taylor Swift’s boyfriend of 15 month, Calvin Harris, apparently just broke up with HER. Well, at least the song should be different this time.
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The graduate student who fatally shot a UCLA professor had accused the professor of stealing his work. So yeah, what we need in a high-stress college environment is for all students and professors to be armed.
#sarcasm
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Paul Ryan said he’ll vote for Donald Trump in November. Did they legalize marijuana in Wisconsin and not tell us?
The AP reports that after Texas Gov. Greg Abbott dropped a state probe into Trump University, the Donald gave Abbott a $35,000 donation to his campaign. Five words: “Damn, I miss Molly Ivins.”
Categories: baseball jokes, football jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Cavs jokes, DH jokes, Janice Hough, Lebron jokes, madison bumgarner jokes, NBA jokes, prince jokes, SFGiants jokes, Texas jokes, Trump jokes
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June 1, 2016
In an interview, Barry Bonds said “I’m to blame for the way I was [portrayed], because I was a dumbass. I was straight stupid, and I’ll be the first to admit it.”
Not sure what’s weirder. Hearing him apologize, or hearing Bonds’ referred to as “the Miami Marlins’ hitting coach?” #SFGiants
In Switzerland, they just had the grand opening of a railway tunnel through the Alps dubbed “the longest tunnel in the world” at 35.5 miles. And down in Mexico they’re just giggling.
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#StephCurry let slip in a news conference that he uses Uber in the SF Bay Area. Wonder if they give him 3.0 pricing? #Warriors
Is there a more annoying sound in sports than the tomahawk chop? #Braves #SFGiants #Stopthechop
Santiago #Casilla has now blown 4 of 16 saves. So he’s right about as often as an NBA referee? #damningbyfaintphrase
#Casilla lost composure & blew lead so fast tonight you’d wonder if underneath his #SFGiants jersey he was wearing a #OKC #Thunder t-shirt.
No, I don’t play fantasy baseball. But saw this on Rotoballer.com, talking about closers in the NL West and their “status” (from a few days ago.)
: Stability Rating – Team Name – Current Closer
Solid – Diamondbacks – Brad Ziegler
Solid Rockies – Jake McGee
Solid Dodgers – Kenley Jansen
Solid Padres – Fernando Rodney
Questionable – Giants – Santiago Casilla
yeah, we know
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Anyone else feeling like an old baseball fan in remembering when players didn’t have hamstrings?
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Last night #JakePeavy pitched 1 hit ball for 7 innings, singled and scored the go-ahead run for the #SFGiants to win on his 35th birthday. “It couldn’t have happened to a nicer young man” said Jamie Moyer.
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First #BernieSanders got #Hamilton tickets. Then court side seats for #OKCvsGSW #Game7. Guessing his own private plane can’t be far behind?
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Former Baylor president Kenneth Starr, who so zealously prosecuted Bill Clinton, and who was reassigned as chancellor after the school’s sexual assault scandals, is now resigning that new post. Starr will, however, continue to teach in the law school.
What’s his first course this fall – “The law and people who think they are above it?”
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A Seattle burlesque dancer returning home from a Boston performance was told by a JetBlue crew the shorts and thigh-highs she was wearing were “inappropriate.” She had to buy pajama pants to get on the plane.
This would not have happened on United. They’d have let her board and just charged other passengers an entertainment fee.
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A USA Today article shows that Donald Trump “and his businesses have been involved in at least 3,500 legal actions in federal and state courts during the past 30 years. Ranging from skirmishes with casino patrons to million-dollar real estate suits to personal defamation lawsuits.”
Are we sure the Trump campaign didn’t leak the information in a shameless push to get more endorsements from lawyers?
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The PGA Tour is moving their Cadillac World Golf Championship from the Trump Doral course to Mexico City. Trump’s gracious response “I hope they have kidnapping insurance.”
I am beginning to see the Donald’s plan to have Mexico pay for that wall…. in order to keep him out.
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Hillary Clinton with Cory Booker in New Jersey: Hmm, could think of a lot worse tickets for November. #GoStanford
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Categories: airline jokes, baseball jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baylor jokes, Bernie Sanders jokes, Bonds jokes, casilla jokes, golf jokes, Janice Hough, SF Giants jokes, Trump jokes
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May 31, 2016
Police near Fort Lauderdale discovered some alligators eating a human body in a canal. Bringing up one of those famous Florida puzzles – suicide, homicide or Darwin winner?
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Ronnie Wood, 68, of the Rolling Stones, has just become the father of twins. So now when he sings “Has Anyone Seen My Baby?” it might be because he literally won’t be able to remember where one of them is.
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One again, as the early MLB All-Star voting totals have been released, Royals fans are apparently doing a great job of stuffing the ballot box for their players. Well, guessing there’s not that much to do in Kansas City in the spring.
But not like this charade really matters. I mean the All-Star game only determines home field advantage for the Major League Baseball championship.
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Cal. Gov #JerryBrown, 78, endorsed Hillary Clinton, because “she knows how to get things done.” No doubt also because of her youth.& vigor.
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#SFGiants 1st run today vs #Braves scored by #Peavy who had singled & was running on #Span‘s triple. Well, of course it was #Pitcherswhorake
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A last #Game7 Western Conference Finals thought: Nothing is certain but death, taxes, & the #Thunder eventually forgetting they have 5 men on the court. #OKCvsGSW
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#BernieSanders had tickets to the #Thunder #Warriors #Game7 last night?! Even #DonaldTrump knows that takes real $$$$$$
Another twist to the sad story of the fatal shooting of former Saints’ star Will Smith – his blood alcohol level at the time of the road rage incident that led to his death was .24. Now, Smith was 6’3″, 283 lb. At that size, how do you physically drink enough to get to .24?
Richard Dreyfuss tweeted that “Donald Trump’s celebrity supporters who are whores.” Prompting immediate demands for an apology, from whores.
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Martin Shkreli, the price-gouging former pharmaceutical CEO, now says his endorsement of Donald Trump was an “ironic joke” Actually “ironic joke” isn’t a bad metaphor for Trump’s campaign.
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The North Korean state-run newspaper has endorsed “wise” Donald Trump over “dull” Hillary. So is this a shameless attempt by Kim Jong Un to get his pal Dennis Rodman considered as Trump’s running mate?
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Ben Carson says the U.S. is a “cruise ship that is about to go off of Niagara Falls.” Uh, got news for Dr. Carson, cruise ships don’t sail anywhere NEAR Niagara Falls. Not only Ben not smart enough to be President, he’s not smart enough to be a travel agent.
(there are, for the picky, very small ships that sail on Lake Ontario. But there are locks involved, none of them sails any where near the edge. And then there are little boats that do sightseeing trips at the bottom of the falls – like “The Maid of the Mist.”)
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A different thought on the Cincinnati Zoo gorilla controversy. Some blame the zoo, because, while there had been no problems for 38 years, the child was able to get into the enclosure and was at risk.
So if the kid had wandered away from his parents in the parking lot and been hit by a car, would they condemn the zoo for allowing people to drive in that parking lot?
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Khloe Kardashian is reportedly now dating Odell Beckham Jr. So she’s graduated from NBA players who should know better, to NFL players who should know better?
In San Francisco, an FBI agent apparently left his gun, ID and his credentials in his car, and all of them were stolen when the car was broken into. Bringing up another question “How do you stop a stupid good guy with a gun?
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Political fundraiser email of the evening. Headlined “we keep emailing.” And it starts out “We emailed you this morning, we emailed you this afternoon…..”
So what is that old definition of insanity?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Cincinnati jokes, Florida jokes, Janice Hough, korea jokes., MLB jokes, ronnie wood jokes, Trump jokes
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Left Coast Sports Babe 