Archive for the ‘sports jokes’ category
April 20, 2016
Former slave #HarrietTubman replaces slave owner #AndrewJackson on the $20. Mean bitch karma for the much delayed win!
So at this point in #NBAPlayoffs is the question less if there will be an upset than if one first round matchup will actually go 6 games?
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Although it’s April 20. So guess what folks? We’re exactly only 60 days from a possible game 7 in the #NBAFinals #NBAPlayoffs
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ESPN just fired #CurtSchilling. Too soon to start a pool as to when he might be hired by #FoxNews?
Marc Ragovin suggested last night that after Schilling included an offensive cartoon in a Twitter post defending North Carolina’s anti-LGBT law. “Hey Curt, put a bloody sock in it.”
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Border agents just discovered a 2,600 ft tunnel from Tijuana to San Diego, with ventilation, a rail system and an elevator. Uh, Trump, about that wall…..
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Nike has ended its contract with Johnny Manziel. Alas, the QB couldn’t seem to figure out the slogan wasn’t “Just OverDo It.”
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Ted Cruz wrote a whining fundraising email about the sacrifices he is making to run for President – no sleep, no personal time, no family time…. And somewhere God is thinking. “Take a hint Ted, and go home.”
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Bernie Sanders was complaining tonight that “about 3 million” New Yorkers “were unable to vote today because they had registered as Independents, not Democrats or Republicans.” Uh yes, that’s why they call them party primaries.
Maybe six months ago the campaign should have thought of getting people to register as Democrats if Sanders wanted to run as a Democrat….
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While some Democrats are battling over admittedly at times complicated primary rules, have to think some in the GOP are just laughing as they tighten voting rules for the general election. #theREALthreattodemocracy
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Is it wrong that I’ve never watched #LiveWithKellyandMichael, have no idea who’s in the right, and don’t really give a damn? .
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Is this really the best marketing line? A Sephora email says “Glow like you just came back from Rio.” Uh, with the Zika and the toxins in the water etc., have to think, could you come back radioactive too?
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Chicago Blackhawks forward Andrew Shaw, who at first claimed he didn’t “know what’s said” has now apologized for a gay slur directed at a referee Tuesday night “When I got home and saw the video, it was evident that what I did was wrong, no matter the circumstances.”
So he needed to see the video to know what he said? Does Shaw aspire to a career in politics?
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Uh oh, Ben Carson’s been on the Daily Show and now he thinks he’s relevant again…..”I think Andrew Jackson was a tremendous secretary. I mean a tremendous president…. I love Harriet Tubman,” said Carson. “I love what she did. But we can find another way to honor her. Maybe a $2 bill.”
At least he didn’t say $3 bill.
Just wondering, since inflation has hit everything else in the SF Bay Area, why does Facebook still cap you at 5,000 friends?
(and no, I don’t have 5,000 FB friends. But people who I know do, and they can’t add me. #reflectedglory)
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: $20 bill jokes, Andrew Jackson jokes, Cruz jokes, Curt Schilling jokes, Janice Hough, NBA playoffs jokes, Nike jokes, sanders jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
April 19, 2016
#Spurs tonight honored a couple celebrating 75th wedding anniversary at game. Fitting as their honeymoon was during Duncan’s rookie year.
Johnny Manziel, dropped by his agent, said in a statement he’s hoping to “take care of issues” and “play in 2016,”
Alas for Manziel, “play” hasn’t been the problem, “work” has.
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Pat Boone is saying that SNL is in league with Satan after a skit where a baker refused to bake wedding cake for a gay couple, titled “God is a boob man.” Of course, these days that seems increasingly true, He/She has certainly created a lot of boobs. Including Pat Boone.
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Whole Foods is opening two “affordable” 365 stores in the SF Bay Area. So will they be nicknamed “Half paycheck?”
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The British Government has indicated they will not be going for the public’s choice for their new research vessel – “Boaty McBoatface” Ah, come on, they don’t want to have the popular research boat in the world. #BoatyMcBoatface would probably end up with its own social media accounts and fan clubs….. #nofun
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If the Brits don’t want “Boaty McBoatface” can the U.S. borrow it?. Surely there is a Navy boat worthy of the name?
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One bit of bipartisan good news ahead. After tonight we won’t have to hear 24-7 about the New York primary.
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Donald Trump has now confused 9-11 with 7-Eleven. And the convenience store says “Don’t blame us, not even our Slurpees give you that much of a brain freeze.”
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NY Rep. Peter King before the primary “I hate Ted Cruz, and I think I’ll take cyanide if he ever got the nomination.” And no doubt at least some New Yorkers were thinking “promise?”
What’s more surprising, the size of #Trump‘s margin, or fact that 15% of New Yorkers actually voted for a Texan who trashed NY values? #NYPrimary
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#Trump says #Cruz just about “mathematically eliminated.” Which would mean something if #GOP paid attention to liberal concepts like math
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The Houston Chronicle reports at that “at least 22” local GOP conventions passed “secession items”, which could be brought up at the state conference in May. Now, there are hundreds of local conventions. But it could be fun. And would secession make Ted Cruz ineligible to run for President? #wecandream
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Utah’s governor is about to sign a bill saying that pornography is “a public health hazard leading to a broad spectrum of individual and public health impacts and societal harms.”
So when men feel the urge to look at porn they should just go look for another wife?
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Ted Cruz today “America has always been best when she is lying down with her back on the mat.” Uh, WTF? Is Ted trying to be banned from from Utah under their new porn law?
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Tennessee majority leader Gerald McCormick is upset with businesses spoke out about the proposed LGBT bathroom law. “these companies who tried to blackmail us for this thing, when they come for their corporate welfare checks next year, we need to have a list out and keep an eye on them.”
But for the others, those corporate welfare checks will just keep on coming. Glad McCormick cleared that up.
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, texas jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: boaty mcboatface jokes, Cruz jokes, Janice Hough, ny primary jokes, Pat Boone jokes, Trump jokes, utah jokes, Whole Foods jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
April 19, 2016
San Jose Sharks seem bent on proving there is such a thing as home ice disadvantage.
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Meanwhile the Warriors faced the Rockets without Steph Curry. With a few more starters out it actually might have been a tight game.
Although as the Thunder faced the depleted Mavericks, once again OKC reminded NBA fans, seldom has a team done so little with so much.
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#SFGiants had #KevinHogan throw out the first pitch on #Stanford night. They clearly should have signed him for the bullpen.
3 thoughts after #SFGiants loss tonight: 1. Casilla may be done as a closer. 2. Heston should not be a reliever. 3. Where is Timmy?
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Alas Hunter Strickland tonight reminded #SFGiants fans why he is the closer of the “future.” #didntthinkIwouldmissRomo
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Meanwhile, the Arizona #Diamondbacks road uniforms remind many of us of that day we put a black shirt or jeans in the wash on hot with our whites.
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A diagnosis on Pablo Sandoval’s injury has apparently been delayed by swelling in his shoulder. Thinking actually the Panda’s shoulder has not been where the problem swelling has occurred.
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#Ethiopians won both the men’s & women’s #BostonMarathon today. Now #Kenyans know how we #Americans usually feel.
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Ebay actually pulled an auction for a Ziplock bag of AIR from inside Staples Center for Kobe Bryant’s last game. The bidding had reached over $15,000. Not sure what the bigger #cantfixstupid is, the bidder, or Ebay in giving up those 10% seller fees.
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Ted Cruz apparently reiterated his position last week that he wants to return America back to the gold standard. So it’s not just women he wants to return to the 19th century.
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Michigan Governor Rick Snyder says he will drink water from Flint for “at least a month” to show support for the city, and to show that the water is safe to use with a filter. Your move, mean bitch Karma.
Just thinking, if other GOP candidates want to show solidarity on the subject of excessive government regulation, maybe they could call Mich. Gov. Rick Snyder and ask him to ship them some of that Flint drinking water. #isitsafe?
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A video has gone viral of a woman in Toronto who scaled the fence to a tiger enclosure in order to retrieve her hat. She and the hat escaped unharmed. Another Darwin #misseditbythatmuch
20 inches of rain or more and massive flooding in Houston. Awful, but now waiting for some of these politicians who want to secede from the U.S. to ask for federal disaster relief.
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On the subject of state’s rights etc, just found this quote from “West Wing” President Jed Bartlet. And what a shame he isn’t running in 2016:
“You think states should do the governing wall-to-wall. That’s a perfectly valid opinion. But your state of Florida got $12.6 billion in federal money last year – from Nebraskans, and Virginians, and New Yorkers, and Alaskans, with their Eskimo poetry. 12.6 out of a state budget of $50 billion. I’m supposed to be using this time for a question, so here it is: Can we have it back, please?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: flint jokes, Giants jokes, Janice Hough, NBA jokes, Sharks jokes, snyder jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
April 17, 2016
Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Wolf signed a bill legalizing medical marijuana. Does being sick of watching the Phillies lose count?
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Charlotte’s loss today to Miami extended their postseason losing streak to 11 games, third longest in NBA history. Almost a shame the Hornets couldn’t have a first round matchup with the Raptors. #somethingsgottogive
Vince Carter had a good game for #Grizzlies. For 2016-7 maybe he’s old enough to sign a free agent contract with the #Spurs?
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Two Syracuse football players are recovering with non life-threatening injuries after they were allegedly stabbed by a former teammate. #ifonlyhehadbeenarmed
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Pablo Sandoval is flying to Alabama for a 2nd opinion on his injured shoulder from Dr. James Andrews. Either that or the trip is for the pulled pork and pecan pie.
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#LukeWalton has apparently turned down head coaching job with #Knicks. Guess he’s holding out for an offer from an #NBA professional team
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McDonald’s is opening a new restaurant in Missouri that will feature “all-you-can-eat” French Fries. So Missouri can now be the “Show Me How Fat We Can Get” state?
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The Treasury has announced Andrew Jackson will be replaced on the $20 bill by an unnamed woman. But Alexander Hamilton is staying on the $10. It’s about time for a woman on our currency. But poor Jackson, had they only written an “Old Hickory” hit Broadway musical….
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While some voters on both sides scream about free trade, a new Associated Press-GfK poll.poll shows that while Americans say they would like to buy things made in the US, 67% of them would buy the exact same thing made overseas if it were less expensive….
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A Nashville mom and her friend are facing charges after they left her 13-month-old daughter in a hot car while auditioning at a strip club. Apparently the friend was supposed to be watching the girl but went inside to watch the audition. The child is okay, and yes, it could have been a horrible story. But wonder how many people who are condemning the mom are both pro-life and against subsidized child care?
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Donald Trump on a possible contested GOP convention: “I hope it doesn’t involve violence. I hope it doesn’t. I’m not suggesting that.”
Why doesn’t Trump just say “It’s a nice little convention you’ve got planned. It would be a shame if something happened to it.
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Some angry voters are threatening to sue over New York’s closed primary, which requires them to have chosen a party affiliation 6 months before the primary. You think if they care enough to sue, they’d have cared enough to get their registration right.
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Let’s see, many who support Donald Trump do so because he’s rich and “successful.” But then some of those same people are against Hillary Clinton because of the money she has made. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Clinton jokes, Janice Hough, Knicks jokes, NBA playoff jokes, NBA playoffs jokes, New York jokes, Pablo Sandoval jokes, Trump jokes
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April 15, 2016
The #Braves have won! Finally. Last week #Atlanta had a couple weeks that went this badly, Sherman was involved.
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After the NY Daily News printed a story that the Mets had sold most of the jerseys from the team’s first game in NY after 9/11, the team issued a statement “We admit that we made a mistake, and have instituted a new process with internal controls to prevent something like this from happening again in the future.”
So was the mistake profiting over the jerseys, or getting caught?
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John Kasich, in response to a woman student at a town hall in St. Lawrence University in NY saying she saying she worries about harassment on campus said “I’d also give you one bit of advice, don’t go to parties where there is a lot of alcohol.”
Can’t imagine how the GOP gets the reputation of being clueless on women’s issues. #andKasichissupposedtobethereasonableone
With all the attacks on Hillary over taking money from Wall Street for speeches, maybe it’s time for her to requote the line “If you can’t drink their whiskey, take their money, screw their women and still vote against him in the morning, you don’t belong in politics.”
Bill would certainly volunteer to help with the “women” part.
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Starting for the 2017-18 season, the NBA announced that companies can buy a 2.5-by-2.5-inch advertising space on game-day jerseys. So that means by about 2020 those jerseys will resemble those worn by NASCAR.
The Minnesota Twins came back and beat the Angels tonight, following upon the Braves’ first win. So ten games into the season, nobody’s perfect.
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AMC says they are scraping a plan to allow texting in theaters after saying they have heard “loud and clear” that it “is a concept our audience does not want.”
D’uh…. even people who text in theaters do not want other people texting in theaters.
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Kim Davis’s lawyer is now apparently helping Kentucky leglislators draft a bill to restrict bathroom access for LGBTs. Hmm, presumably after the Kentucky Derby so everyone doesn’t boycott that too?
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Sarah Palin says “Bill Nye is as much a scientist as I am.” Shocking! Palin acknowledges the concept of scientists?
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Hillary Clinton last night in the debate “It’s easy to diagnose a problem. It’s harder to do something about a problem.” And many Americans on both sides of the aisle are thinking “No, just tell us you’ll fix it, don’t confuse us with facts.”
Jason Whitlock, not joining in the Kobe Bryant lovefest, said that Kobe’s narcissism and selfishness ruined the Lakers. Strikes me that he’s both right and wrong. In his prime, Bryant helped lead Los Angeles to five rings with that narcissism and selfishness. When his skills decreased and his demands, on and off the court, remained the same – well, yes, then, Kobe helped make sure the Lakers became, and stayed, a lousy basketball team.
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T.C. on reports that Kim Jong Un now weighs over 300 pounds. “If this dictator thing doesn’t work out he can try out for the Boston Red Sox.”
Categories: baseball jokes, debate jokes, GOP jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Braves jokes, Clinton jokes, Janice Hough, kasich jokes, Kobe jokes, Mets jokes, NBA jokes, texting jokes, Twins jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
April 14, 2016
Lots of uproar over a Sanders supporter using the term #Democraticwhores. Hillary fans are outraged. Meanwhile Bill is going “whores? where?
Really? A Rockies fan was kicked out of Coors Field for throwing a home run ball (hit by the Giants Trevor Brown) back onto the field. Good thing they don’t have that silly rule at Dodger Stadium. Madbum is hitting (and pitching) tomorrow night.
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Rough couple days for #SFGiants pitchers at Coors Field, giving up 21 runs in two days. But it could be worse, they could have given up all those runs interspersed with snow delays. (And yes, it is going to snow this weekend in Denver. Happy Spring.)
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Lots of attention on the Warriors winning 73 games. And over in Oakland the As are thinking “With luck we can do that this year too.”
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Meanwhile, in the NFL, Oakland and SF may combine to honor Golden State: this year’s Raiders are likely to win 7 games, while the 49ers are likely to win 3.
So what’s going to happen next? The Golden State Warriors lose a game? Or the Minnesota Twins or Atlanta Braves win a game?
So with this the 9th Democratic debate was there any point other than both sides hoping for a “gotcha” moment? #sanders #clinton
American Airlines has complained that TSA lines meant 6,800 of their passengers missed flights in just one week from March 14-20. Of course American is not complaining about all the change fees they were able to charge those passengers.
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Microsoft is suing the DOJ to prevent the government from going through users’ personal emails without notice. The company feels strongly that such an invasion of privacy should not be allowed, except by Microsoft and their advertisers.
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Canada is looking into passing an assisted suicide bill for terminally ill patients, but will not allow “suicide tourism” for Americans. Especially presumably after the November elections.
In Wisconsin a high school teacher who has been charged with having sex with her 16-year old student allegedly slept with him the night of her husband’s bachelor party and sent him selfies from her honeymoon. Your move, Florida.
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Al Sharpton, after Bill de Blasio and Hillary Clinton used a reference to “C.P” time in a skit – “Y’all got to leave all these jokes alone. Just, don’t even talk about race for a while.” Does it count as a joke to reference black pots and kettles?
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All this commotion over the phrase “C.P. time” when used by NY Mayor DeBlasio, who is married to a black woman. Now, maybe in a P.C. age it wasn’t the best joke. But while we’re at it, I’ve heard in Hawaii and Jamaica and much of the Caribbean “Island time,” in Mexico “Mexican minutes,” from a lot of men “girl time” or “girl ready” and from someone married to a woman from Delhi “Indian Standard time.” So maybe we should all lighten up?
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The Lakers apparently sold $1.2 million in Kobe Bryant merchandise yesterday. Although just think about how much the team might have made had they released Bryant a few years ago and built a team that could reach the playoffs.
From Alex Kaseberg “In his last game, the Lakers’ Kobe Bryant scored 60 points to beat the Utah Jazz. Now, I don’t want to say Utah rigged the game for Kobe, but Custer played better defense against Sitting Bull.”
Categories: debate jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, Braves jokes, democratic whores jokes, Giants jokes, Janice Hough, Raiders jokes, Twins jokes, Warriors jokes
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April 13, 2016
Congrats to the Warriors on 73 wins. Klay Thompson was asked yesterday if the team would celebrate with champagne “Absolutely not You’ve got to save that till June, man. I mean, you might have a glass of wine after the game, but that’s about it.”
And the rest of the teams in the Western Conference playoffs are thinking, “Are you kidding, a week-long all-night party would be more appropriate.”
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Open note to #Warriors fans, the wave is for when team sucks & there’s nothing better to do. Or when you’re #Dodgers or #As fans #stayclassy
Kobe Bryant, 20 years with the Lakers. Impressive. Tim Duncan, 19 years with the Spurs – impressive. More impressive, Duncan has structured his contract and play to help his team still be relevant. #thequietfarewelltourkeepsontouring
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Warriors set record for NBA regular season wins. Many casual sports fans thinking “The NBA HAS a regular season?” #only2monthsuntilfinals
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Lots of fanfare for Kobe Bryant’s last game tonight. Probably just as well Bryant doesn’t have an heir apparent on the Lakers – might be too much to expect Kobe to pass anything, let along a torch.
#JakePeavy started off the Giants game like a man who doesn’t want #SF Bay Area fans to have to decide between watching the #SFGiants & #Warriors
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Boston #RedSox placed #PabloSandoval on the #DL with a left shoulder sprain. Possibly caused by too much repetitive motion with a fork?
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#Braves & #Twins play interleague games in July. So one of those teams will actually have to win games this #MLB season.
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Not a good April to be an Braves fan. The team is winless, and for those who say, “cheer up, it could be worse,” Atlanta outfielder Hector Olivera was arrested after a woman at the Ritz Carlton just outside D.C. called 911 to say he had assaulted her. Yeah, it just got worse.
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The Sacramento Kings will apparently fire George Karl as the 33-48 team will miss the playoffs again. Their next coach will be their 10th since 2006-07. Somewhere even George Steinbrenner is thinking “Jeez, show a little patience.”
AMC’s CEO said he is considering allow patrons to text during movies. Well, this should help speed up the process of getting EVERYONE to watch movies at home instead of in theaters.
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Harvard’s oldest exclusive club, The Porcellian, which is all-male, said in a statement to the Crimson (student newspaper):
“Forcing single gender organizations to accept members of the opposite sex could potentially increase, not decrease the potential for sexual misconduct.”
#Speechless But proving once again, IQ points are no guarantee against #Cantfixstupid
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Volvo has promised “death-proof” cars by 2020. So who needs a hospital when you’re sick – drive around in a Volvo and live forever?
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Apparently the original Santana band is reuniting for the first time since 1973. So after 43 years they’ve either decided to let bygones be bygones…or they can’t remember why they broke up in the first place?
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Ivanka Trump, blaming her inability to vote for her father on the state – “New York has one of the most onerous rules in terms of registration, and it required us to register a long time ago, almost — close to a year ago….(uh, actually you have to declare a party six months in advance.) Looks like the apple doesn’t whine far from the tree.
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Many states’ voting rules seem designed to keep poor and uneducated people from voting. Kudos to New York for bucking the trend by apparently making it harder for rich and lazy people. #Trumps
Congrats to Lynn Swann for getting the USC AD job. So what exactly are Swann’s qualifications though – he was a star Trojan football player and he hasn’t been arrested?
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“Affluenza” teen Ethan Couch has been tentatively sentenced to a two-year jail term, although the judge gave Couch’s defense two weeks to make an argument for him to reconsider. Reconsider? As in maybe give him at least four years?-
Categories: football jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 73 jokes, Braves jokes, Giants jokes, Janice Hough, Kobe jokes, santana jokes, Trump jokes, Warriors jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
April 11, 2016
The NCAA reportedly approved a 3-year moratorium on new bowl games. What a disappointment for all those 6-6 teams who just missed last year’s postseason.
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That moment when even #ESPN on #BaseballTonight says “It’s an even year, don’t bet against the #SFGiants. #Hellhasfrozenover
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Jordan Spieth is still the favorite at 7-1 to win the U.S. Open in June, at the Oakmont Country Club in Pennsylvania. Assume Oakmont doesn’t have any water hazards?
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Even if you’re not a #Warriors fan have to appreciate that their quest for the record has knocked #KobeBryant farewell tour off #ESPN Wed
Urban Meyer is upset with the new NCAA rule deregulating electronic communication with potential recruits, which means coaches can now send unlimited texts to student-athletes. Translation, Urban Meyer doesn’t know how to text..
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Suppose we shouldn’t be shocked but Mr. “Make America Great” again can’t even make his children register to vote correctly? #cantfixstupid #butcanweelectstupid
Monday was #NationalPetDay. And cats are sniffing “EVERY day is National Cat Day.”
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Warriors announcer Bob Fitzgerald wasn’t very happy with Spurs fans waving thundersticks yesterday, calling them “some jerk off fans trying to screw up the telecast.” Well, if Golden State ends up playing back in San Antonio am sure those fans will go out of their way to be welcoming.
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The White House has asked Congress for $1.9 billion to fight Zika, and the CDC is saying “Everything we look at with this virus seems to be a bit scarier than we initially thought,” and that it has been linked to a “to a broader array of birth defects throughout a longer period of pregnancy…”
And the GOP in Congress is now accusing Obama of trying to “politicize” Zika. Right, because heaven forbid the US try to protect fetuses in a way that costs money
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Donald Trump says that John Brennan’s pledge not to waterboard is “ridiculous.” Right, because who knows more about effective interrogation, Trump or the director of the CIA? And who is Trump planning to appoint to the job – Jack Bauer?
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Joe Biden said in an interview that while both Democratic candidates are “totally qualified”, he would “like to see a woman elected.” Maybe especially because it would be easier for Joe to think Hillary was inevitable than to think he could have started late like Sanders and actually won.
Newly released court documents say that Robert Dear Jr., who confessed to killing three people at a Colorado Planned Parenthood clinic, told police he dreamed he’ll be met in Heaven by aborted fetuses wanting to thank him for saving unborn babies. So where are the GOP “pro-lifers” applauding him right here on Earth?
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Tim Spector, a professor at King’s College, London, said that dieting is less about calories, and more about good bacteria. So cheese, chocolate, nuts, and red wine are all smart choices for those trying to control their weight. Well, that calls for opening a bottle!
Categories: baseball jokes, football jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ESPN jokes, Janice Hough, Kobe jokes, NCAA jokes, SFGiants jokes, spieth jokes, Trump jokes, Warriors jokes, wine jokes, zika jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
April 10, 2016
Jordan Spieth’s 12th hole today at the #Masters might have been worst the few minutes for top golfer in recent history not involving an Escalade.
#SFGiants are heading to Denver, where rookie Trevor Story has hit 7h home runs in six games. Just guessing Giants’ hitters find this story a lot more fun than their pitching staff.
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So maybe it wasn’t so shocking that #SFGiants came back from a 5-0 deficit in the 1st. But that #Cueto went 7 and was winning pitcher?
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The Mets wear 1986 throwback jerseys today and promptly get beat by the #Phillies. Time to throw the jerseys back?
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Great, now the Warriors season “Running down Bulls record” is “sponsored by American Express. And some wonder why kids get the idea sports is all about money?
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T.J.Ward is the second player on the Denver Broncos to publicly support Johnny Manziel joining the team, saying he would welcome the QB with “open arms.” So this brings up a two-part question – how talented is Manziel and how toxic is Kaepernick?
I know #Yankees rule the #ESPN world, but in April might have been a good weekend to have #Dodgers #Giants be the #Sundaynightbaseball game. (Yankees Tigers were rained out.)
Arizona Cardinals coach Bruce Arians told coaches at a high school clinic that one of football’s biggest problems is “moms.” No joke. Saying our sport is “being attacked. It’s the best game that’s ever been f—ing invented. And we have to make sure that moms get the message, because that’s who’s afraid of our game right now. It’s not dads; it’s moms.”
Right, and the problem isn’t concussions either. Is Arians trying to prove he’s anti-woman enough to join the GOP race for President?
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Much talk now over an interview Laura Bush gave “I want our next president—whoever he or she might be—to be somebody who is interested in women in Afghanistan and who will continue U.S. policies, adding that person should “pay attention to our history, and know what’s happened before and know specifically how we can continue to do the good things that we do around the world.”
Some interpret her words as saying she will vote for Hillary Clinton. But hey, if Trump and Cruz are the GOP choices, say what you want about W., but no one ever accused Laura of being that conservative. Nor bat-sh*t crazy.
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A Politico article asks “Can GOP Elites Really Turn Back the Clock in Cleveland?” Meaning, can they pick a candidate who never entered the primaries. Although would it really be that surprising? Most of the candidates who are and have been in the primaries want to turn the clock back for women to the 19th century.
If elected, how long until Donald Trump outlaws the Boston Globe? 
Categories: football jokes, GOP jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Dodgers jokes, Giants jokes, Manziel jokes, Masters jokes, spieth jokes
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April 7, 2016
Caught a five hour case of flu today. #Giantsfever. #BeatLA
#Dodgers team ERA for year just went from zero to over three in four innings #SFGiants #SFGiantsOpeningDay
San Diego heads to Coors Field without having scored a run in any of their first three games. Are the Padres trying to be the official MLB team of Coke Zero?
(Frank. W. says, “of course the Padres haven’t scored this season. Padres are supposed to be celibate.)
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Waiting for an atheist to file a “freedom from religion” lawsuit against playing “God Bless America” at baseball games #SFGiantsOpeningDay
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20,000 of Ivanka Trump’s branded scarves are being recalled due to a “burn risk.” But that’s not the interesting part, the Donald’s daughter has her scarves made in China. #onlylittlepeoplepaytariffs?
Wynn Resorts founder Steve Wynn reportedly told investors “Rich people only like being around rich people. Nobody likes being around poor people, especially poor people.” Hmm, is Wynn angling for a position in a possible Trump cabinet?
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Whole Foods is opening “Whole Foods 365” in Los Angeles this May. They say it will be their first “budget-friendly” store. So folks, we have a new nominee for 2016’s top oxymoron.
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In London, footage is circulating of a mysterious large shape apparently swimming in the Thames river, leading some to speculate about the Loch Ness Monster. It would of course, be inappropriate to make a Chris Christie on Spring Break joke.
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A recent poll found that Donald Trump is disliked by 7 out of 10 people. And Ted Cruz is thinking “amateur.”
Ted Cruz is not backing down from his “New York values” comment. Translation, Cruz knows he’ll lose New York and figures the criticism will help him in other states.
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Actually if Cruz really had the cojones to thumb his nose at New Yorkers he’d get photographed eating pizza with a fork.
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So all these Republicans who can’t stand Ted Cruz are supporting him because they hate Donald Trump more. Now, one question if he actually gets elected – how is the GOP going to find enough people to put up with him and serve in a Cruz cabinet?
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So the latest attack on Hillary Clinton is that she needed several swipes to get her Metrocard to work on the NY subway. You mean it’s possible to get it right on the first try?
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So I would take these “religious freedom” types much more seriously if, for example, before they served heterosexual couples they would require to prove they were married, to each other. And refused to bake wedding cakes for any couple who wouldn’t swear they were both virgins.
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Must be nice to be such a special snowflake that you can not only ignore the request on the train to turn cellphones to vibrate but you can keep a phone conversation going for a good 20 to 30 minutes. #sarcasm
#AmericanIdol reminds us on #IdolFinale of one reason the show is ending. #toomanywrongchoices #toomanyforgettablewinners
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Cruz jokes, Giants jokes, god bless america jokes, Janice Hough, Padres jokes, SF Giants jokes, Ted Cruz jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
April 6, 2016
So in 2016 what’s more likely in California? The #Warriors get to 73 wins? Or the #Padres get to 73 runs?
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#SDPadres are working on a three game scoreless streak to open 2016 season. Are they trying to become official #MLB team of #MLS Major League Soccer.
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Well, darn, the #SFGiants aren’t going to go 162-0. Probably better off not to tire them for the playoffs anyway.
Blue Jays manager John Gibbons complained after MLB’s new slide rule cost Toronto a run in a 5-3 loss to the Rays, “They’re trying to put dresses on us.” Uh, Gibbons, whine all you want. Then go watch “League of their Own” and find a new metaphor. #Theresnocryinginbaseball
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Rockies rookie SS Trevor Story is the first MLB player since 1900 to homer in his first three games. Even more amazing, Story hasn’t played at Coors Field yet.
Open note to @SenSanders & @HillaryClinton: Knock off the negativity. When #GOP is in a circus hole, stand back & watch them dig tent poles.
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Meanwhile, how powerful is #DonaldTrump? He’s managed to make #TedCruz seem like the more palatable GOP alternative.
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At a Texas elementary school, the principal has banned parents from setting foot on campus, meaning they can neither walk their kids to school nor pick them up, unless those parents wait in a long line in their cars. #ifonlytheywerearmed No, wait…. #cantfixstupid
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George Mason, whose law school wanted to honor the late Supreme Court Judge, has now switched its name to Antonin Scalia Law School. This after the internet pointed out the original change -the Antonin Scalia School of Law – was ASSLaw or ASSoL. Think they had it right the first time.
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No injuries were reported when Apple employee shuttle bus caught fire today on a freeway in Northern Calfornia at about 630a this morning. It’s actually a shocking story – there are computer geeks UP at 630a in the morning?
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Your daily dose of “blech”: Ann Coulter is now saying that Donald Trump will protect Americans from “Latin American rape culture.” Not sure which is harder to believe, that women would have affairs with Ted Cruz or that men of any culture would want Ann Coulter.
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Walt Disney World is now offering guests who pay an extra $69 per person ($59 for kids) the chance to enter the Magic Kingdom earlier and avoid some of the longest lines. Great, leaving aside the class divide aspect, now in the summer, we can look forward to even grouchier parents yelling at their hot and even tireder kids about how much money they spent and THEY.SHOULD.BE.HAVING.FUN.DAMMIT
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United Airlines is celebrating their 90th birthday. Curiously enough, that seems to be the same age as some of their planes.
Pfizer Inc, which had planned to avoid U.S. tax rates by merging with Allergan Plc, of Ireland, has scrapped the deal after the Treasury instituted new anti-inversion rules. I blame Obama.
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John Kasich can clinch the GOP nomination if he wins 125% of the remaining primary delegates. Well, math was always a liberal commie pinko concept anyway.
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In San Francisco, ParkingCupid, parking version of Airbnb is offering parking places in garages and driveways for up to $400 a month. At that price are customers allowed to sleep in their cars?
Categories: airline jokes, baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Apple jokes, blue jays jokes, Giants jokes, Janice Hough, MLB jokes, Padres jokes, primary jokes, scalia jokes, Texas jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
April 3, 2016
Two of the sweetest words in the English language – “Play Ball!”. #OpeningDay
Trump now says that John Kasich shouldn’t be allowed to run because he can’t win. Well, heck, the Cubs have been allowed to play baseball for the last century.
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Cardinals and Pirates opened up the MLB season today at PNC Park. Where the morning temperature was 33 degrees. Brrr… That’s almost as cold as a night game at Candlestick.
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Enjoyed the #WorldSeries, but anyone but me thinks interleague play on #OpeningDay sucks?
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PNC Park in Pittsburgh will be selling a new all-beef hot dog with Cracker Jack, macaroni and cheese, salted caramel sauce and fried jalapenos, on naan bread. The first ballpark food designed specifically to be sold to people who lose a bet?
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Stephen Schwartz, who composed “Wicked” and other Broadway hits, has banned his shows being produced in North Carolina because of the new anti-LGBT law, and wants others to join him. But really, can you actually put on a Broadway show without the LGBT community?
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Last night soccer star Abby Wambach was arrested for DUI in Oregon. Who says women athletes will never be the equals of men? Sigh.
(But to give Wambach credit, she posted about it on FB today with a full apology and no excuses…. that is not equal to many male athletes.)
Thon Baker, 19, a 7-ft tall basketball star from the Sudan, who graduated high school in Canada, has announced he will enter the NBA draft. What a shame, Baker could be missing some of the best months of his life in college.
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Marijuana advocates had a massive joint smoking rally outside the White House yesterday calling for legalization. Why stop there? Make pot smoking mandatory for Congress. #maybethentheycouldallgetalong
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The Golden State Warriors trailed after the first quarter against the Portland Trail Blazers, but then went on 6-0 run at end of 2nd quarter to lead by 7 at the half. And pulled away to win by 25. Worried Golden State fans were beginning to think team was mortal.
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The D.C. Madam’s lawyer says that her client records are online and could be released in 72 hours. As if this election wasn’t enough fun already?
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Oklahoma lost by 44 yesterday to Villanova. On a brighter note for Buddy Hield, at least he got a little practice in how games might be next year if he is drafted by the Lakers.
Donald Trump now says the current laws on abortion should remain unchanged. Give the Donald credit, most politicians take years to cover every side of an issue, he’s done it in less than a week.
Categories: baseball jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Cubs jokes, interleague jokes, Janice Hough, marijuana jokes, Opening day jokes, Warriors jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
March 31, 2016
As the D’Angelo Russell videotape story grows, Lakers fans have to be thinking nostalgically back to the days when their team was just embarrassing ON the court.
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The NCAA is apologizing for a “clerical error” which resulted in an “errant text” sent to South Carolina saying that they were had been selected for the men’s basketball tournament. No word on if such a text went to any other teams who didn’t really get in, like the Philadelphia 76ers.
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The Red Sox have announced that Travis Shaw will start Opening Day at third base over Pablo Sandoval. The Panda’s response “It’s going to be difficult, but I have to be happy. [Shaw] has had a fantastic spring. I’ll just focus on working hard.”
Uh, if Sandoval had been focused on working hard, he’d probably be starting.
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Mattel has apparently lost over $3 million that they wired in response to a fake email from China. Hmm. Wonder if it’s too late for the company to put the brakes on “Nigerian Princess Barbie?”
In Alabama, a husband and wife who both teach at the same private school were both arrested for having sex with students. Of course, being Alabama have to wonder how many people are going
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Sarah Palin says her husband Todd is back home “on the couch” recovering from his snowmobile accident injuries. So is he helping her keep an eye on Russia?
So apparently Bachelor Ben and his fiancee Lauren are having issues. Ah for those more innocent days when train wrecks on reality TV would only result in broken hearts rather than potential leaders of the free world.
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John Kasich today in a New York press conference listed “five things that continue to prove that Donald Trump is clearly not prepared to be President of the United States, commander in chief, leader of the free world.”
One of the easiest jobs in the world this fall, on the other hand, might be doing commercials for the Democratic Presidential nominee #workisbeingdoneforyou
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Some days you wonder whether Donald Trump really wants to say “Just kidding, folks, I don’t want to be President.” On the subject of Muslims , he mentioned he had Muslim friends “”In most cases, they’re very rich Muslims, OK?” Then when Chris Matthews asked about them entering the U.S. “They’ll come in. And you’ll have exceptions.”
Right, because there’s no way ISIL could make a terrorist look rich?
(and my friend Tom Dodd points out that Osama Bin Laden came from a wealthy family.)
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Another day, another random mass shooting in America. Think I’ve got this down: If the dead suspect is Muslim it’s terrorism, if he’s Christian, especially if he’s white, it’s mental illness.
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Today’s first installment in “How low can you go” – aka the GOP Primary: Ted Cruz on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” about Trump “I were in my car and getting ready to reverse and saw Donald in the backup camera, I’m not confident which pedal I would push.”
And the second from the GOP campaign
#howlowcanyougo, “Mr. Lovable,” Ted Cruz is having his campaign question John Kasich’s 500 signatures submitted to qualify for the Montana ballot., Yes, 500, and apparently Kasich submitted 622….
Ted Cruz won a court case in Pennsylvania challenging his US citizenship. Maybe because Canada now disowns him?
Categories: GOP jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Lakers jokes, mattel jokes, primary jokes, Trump jokes
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March 29, 2016
Nice “aww” story, A young boy ran on the basketball court in New Orleans to give Carmelo Anthony a hug. Of course, it could have ended badly – the kid could have dunked on the Knicks.
UConn women’s basketball team is so dominant, that it’s become controversial whether or not they are good for the sport. Perhaps after the season the Lady Huskies should be forced to play a team more on their level – like the Lakers. (or Knicks or Lakers)
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The Pelicans had SEVEN injured players for their game against the Knicks Monday, and New Orleans still won, 99-91. Wow. Carmelo and the team didn’t need a hug for that performance, they needed a time-out.
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The FBI is dropping their sui against Apple because they say they have cracked the San Bernandino terrorist’s iPhone. So they finally tried “password1234″” instead of “password123”?
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Donald Trump’s campaign manager was charge with battery after an incident when he grabbed a woman reporter earlier this month. Although knowing Trump supporters they’ll probably just take it as a positive sign that the Donald will be tough on the media.
#DougFlutie‘s “Hail Mary” 1984 pass is almost as much of a miracle as the fact he’s gotten me to watch #DWTS
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An Indian company. Bakeys, has developed edible, compostable cutlery, made of rice, millet and wheat, offered in sweet, savory, or plain flavors. The utensils even work for hot items, including soup. Only problem going forward in the U.S? At places like Taco Bell they may taste better than the food.
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Wish this were the Onion: A company has reportedly come up with a handgun that looks like a Smartphone and unfolds to fire. #Whatcouldpossiblygowrong?
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R.I.P Patty Duke, 69. Does it mean you’re old when you remember when 69 was old.
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In Northern California, a man who left his dog in his car when he had to spend a night in jail, has now pleaded no contest to animal cruelty and has been sentenced to 24 days MORE in jail. The sentence begins presumably after he finds a dogsitter?
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A new app, Daily Joints, wants to be Tinder for marijuana users. With the added advantage that if it doesn’t work out, you don’t remember who you hooked up with anyway.
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The NFL apparently wants a retraction from the New York Times about a story claiming concussion cases were omitted when the league downplayed the effects of head injuries on players.
Politico reports a letter sent from the NFL to the paper says the story is “false and defamatory.” Like the Pentagon Papers?
Are you listening, Susan Sarandon? Even the church of baseball has some absolutes.
There are rumors that several Cuban migrants who were rescued from a raft off the Florida coast with gunshot wounds may have shot themselves in order to be taken to U.S. hospitals and thus given asylum. And Trump really thinks a wall will stop desperate people?
Categories: GOP jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: DWTS jokes, fbi jokes, flutie jokes, Janice Hough, Knicks jokes, Lakers jokes, password jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
March 28, 2016
The #Lakers lost tonight to the #Jazz 123-75. So real question of the night – how did #LA ever beat the #Warriors?
#Texas women’s basketball team lost to #UConn “only” 86-65. So maybe a moral victory? Kind of like the Alamo? #MarchMadness
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You think just MAYBE Roy Williams has his #UNC Tarheels doing drills on how to beat the press? #FinalFour #Syracuse
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#Virginia lost 15 point lead to Syracuse yesterday in under 4 min. Cavaliers hadn’t suddenly looked that bad since 2007 when #Cleveland was swept by the #Spurs
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Dirk Nowitzki, 37, told ESPN that he’s thought about playing beyond his contract that ends with Dallas in 2017. Well, by then Dirk might almost be old enough to sign with the Spurs.
Colts owner Jim Irsay is now saying of football “”I believe this: That the game has always been a risk, you know…. You take an aspirin and I take an aspirin. It might give you extreme side effects of illness and your body . . . may reject it, where I would be fine.”
Hmm, looks like not only can you get CTE from playing football, you can get it from owning a team.
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A new biography says that Kris Jenner helped her daughter Kim Kardashian leak her sex tape. “I’m shocked,” said nobody.
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All of these “urgent” fundraising emails saying “we’re almost at our goal.” Just once I would like to get an email saying “Thanks, we made our goal and we don’t need any money.” #wecandream
Georgia Gov. Nathan Deal, a Republican, vetoed a “religious freedom” bill that had many businesses, movie studios and even the NFL up in arms over it being discriminatory against LGBTs. He said the bill was “unnecessary,” and “allowed outsiders to cast doubt on the character of Georgia and Georgians.”
And guessing Deal had billion$ of other rea$on$.
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Donald Trump, when asked on a Wisconsin radio about disparaging women “But certainly I never thought I would run for office.”
Right, so he gets a clean slate? But did he forgot about that 2000 campaign?
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U.S. shooting suspect Larry Dawson apparently disrupted a Congressional hearing last fall, saying he was a “prophet of God.” And so he has been different from Ted Cruz how?
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Another of those stories you can’t make up. Alabama Governor Robert Bentley denies an affair, despite recently released recordings where he talks about kissing his advisor and about her breasts. Well, Bentley’s a BIble-thumper kind of guy -so maybe he was reading her the Song of Solomon?
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Anthony Weiner said to Huffington Post “I’m probably the best campaign politician you’ll ever interview. I mean, I’m like perfectly evolved. I’m like the Arnold Schwarzenegger, Terminator…”
Hmm, does that mean there’s a kid with one of his housekeepers somewhere?
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From T.C. “A North Carolina man was arrested for failing to return a VHS rental tape from 14 years ago to a now defunct video store. The outstanding fine is $200. On top of that, there’s a 50 cent fee if he didn’t rewind it.”
Categories: GOP jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Irsay jokes, Janice Hough, Lakers jokes, March madness jokes, robert bentley jokes, Syracuse jokes, Trump jokes, virginia jokes, Warriors jokes
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March 25, 2016
This year the Arizona Diamondbacks will debut a Cheeseburger Dog:. It’s a hot dog made of ground up grilled hamburgers mixed with cheese, green onions and chopped bacon, breaded, deep-fried and then served on a bun with more bacon and “secret sauce.” The sauce ingredients presumably include beta-blockers.
Stanford has hired UAB’s Jerod Haase as their new men’s basketball coach. The school did warn Haase that his players will have distractions now, like class?
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In New Jersey, police said a couple having sex in an SUV were found dead this morning of carbon monoxide poisoning. Now that I suppose is the ultimate Darwin award – taking yourself out of the gene pool WHILE reproducing.
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The National Enquirer is alleging that Ted Cruz had several extra-marital affairs. Shocking. There might be more than one woman who actually wanted to sleep with him?
Ted Cruz is claiming that the National Enquirer story about his alleged affairs is “complete and utter lies,” and “this garbage does not belong in politics.” Right, you should stick to lying about your opponents dropping out of the race.
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On the brighter side for Ted Cruz maybe he can spin this Enquirer story as being the only candidate young enough running for President who people might believe still has sex?
As the #CruzSexScandal unfolds, waiting for #Trump to declare pridefully “I marry MY mistresses.”
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Well, and who would believe the #NationalEnquirer? #CruzSexScandal #JohnEdwards
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So let’s open up the pool. If it’s Trump or Cruz – list your prediction for the first big-name Republican to come out and say “F*ck it, I’m voting for Hillary and we’ll regroup for 2020 to make her a one-term President.”
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Whatever the FBI discovers, time may be on Hillary Clinton’s side with this supposed email scandal. As it may not be long until most people won’t even remember what a Blackberry was.
Several thousand people have apparently signed a petition to allow the carrying of firearms in and around Cleveland’s Quicken Loans Arena, which will host the 2016 Republican National Convention in July.
Who says there’s no bipartisan agreement in this country? As a Democrat I have no problem with their petition. #cullingtheherd
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At SMU, a former sorority member has filed a lawsuit saying the Kappa Kappa Gamma’s required her and others to dance semi-naked in front of incoming freshman, and then had the “house mom” secretly record a tape the chapter then used for blackmail.
So, yes, not all the evils of the world can be put down to testosterone poisoning.
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From Gary Bachman: “The National Enquirer claims Ted Cruz had extramarital affairs with five women. ‘Amateur’ said Bill Clinton.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Cruz jokes, Enquirer jokes, New Jersey jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
March 23, 2016
A new Harris study says that Americans drink more when they are happy and celebrating than when they are stressed and having bad days. Which does not quite explain beer sales over the years at Wrigley Field.
Carmelo Anthony says that Syracuse is going to beat Gonzaga on Friday: “We’re going to win. We’re going to the Elite 8.” Wonder if the 2016 Knicks could make it to the Elite 8.
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Aaron Rodgers says he saw a UFO in New Jersey in 2005. Is he sure it wasn’t one of Eli Manning’s rookie year passes?
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Conrad Dobler, 65, a retired NFL offensive guard, said in an interview talking about his memory loss. “I have six kids, I don’t even know their names.”
Sad, but in the NFL there are young men without CTE who don’t even know how many kids they HAVE.
The JetBlue flight attendant who fled a security checkpoint after being caught trying to smuggle 70lb of cocaine in her carry-on bag has turned herself in. Still trying to wrap my head around that 70 lbs – and I thought my purse was heavy.
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After playing the Cuban national team the Tampa Bay Rays’ plane had mechanical issues and was stuck on the tarmac for hours in Havana. So the U.S. players must have felt right at home.
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Forbes says the New York Yankees are the most valuable team in baseball, now at a $3.4 billion valuation. Imagine what they’d be worth with real playoff revenue again.
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A-Rod told ESPN.com today that “I won’t play after next year.” Later he told the NY Daily News that after his contract ends in 2017, “we’ll see what happens.”
“Atta boy,” said Brett Favre.
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Lebron James said on the A&M comeback over UNI: “I would quit basketball. If I was on Northern Iowa, I would quit.”
Hmm, because that loss was almost as embarrassing as getting swept by the Spurs in the the 2007 NBA finals? #stayclassy
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At Stanford Shopping Center in California, an off-duty police officer working security for a business accidentally left his gun in a restroom. Fortunately it was found and turned in by another security guard. Bringing to mind another question – how do you stop a stupid guy with a gun?
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In Wisconsin, a 17-year-old girl who says she didn’t even know she was pregnant gave birth to a baby in her bathroom. Fortunately the child is doing well. Got to love that “abstinence only” education.
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Jeb Bush has endorsed Ted Cruz. And Cruz must be so thrilled to have such a winner on his team.
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Donald Trump is apparently furious at Ted Cruz for using a scantily-clad picture of Melania from her model days in a campaign ad. Hmm, well, if that upsets him so much am sure the Democrats will honor Trump’s wishes and never post any of those pictures in the general election.
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One thing is pretty certain out of this Cruz-Trump fight over pictures of their spouses. Pretty sure even the Donald wouldn’t have the stomach to post pictures of a nearly naked Bill Clinton.
Ted Cruz and Donald Trump are calling for extra surveillance of Muslim-Americans. But if you look at recent terrorist acts – there is another link that is even stronger- almost all the killers were relatively young men. So maybe what we REALLY need to do is start seriously monitoring men between the ages of 18-35.
Categories: airline jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, travel jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, Clinton jokes, Cruz jokes, Cuba jokes, Janice Hough, March madness jokes, NFL jokes, Trump jokes, Yankees jokes
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March 15, 2016
And haven’t pressed “submit” tonight, either you don’t care or shouldn’t you be working on your brackets?
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As we approach March Madness, remember, nothing is certain but death, taxes, and Kansas finding a way to lose before the finals.
In retrospect one reason shows like “The Bachelor” are so popular – you get to watch people make really stupid decisions and it doesn’t affect the fate of the world? #Presidentialprimaries
So now Pete Rose’s lawyer is denying that Rose sent Trump a baseball saying “Mr. Trump, please make America great again.” The Donald claims the baseball was an endorsement.
And how could you doubt either of these fine gentlemen? #sarcasm
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Disney has announced that Harrison Ford, 73, will return for a fifth Indiana Jones movie in 2019. Only this time the lost relic will be Jones himself.
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The US House is holding two hearings on the water crisis in Flint, Michigan. Would that they keep at this with the same intensity they have on Benghazi.
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New England Patriots safety Nate Ebner will take a leave of absence from the team to train for the U.S. rugby team and this summer’s Olympics. Other international rugby teams just demanded a guard on the rugby balls.
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A traffic monitoring group says that the average San Francisco commuter spent more than three days in traffic in 2015. And down in Los Angeles they’re thinking “amateurs.”
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Rick Pitino, defending his embattled Louisville program, says that the problem was a graduate assistant, Andre McGee “whose sole responsibility was to make sure they do the right things.”
Right, because in major programs, all graduate assistants have the power and the $$$$$$ to hire prostitutes. And none of the coaching staff would have any clue.
I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat better.”
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Hillary Clinton was caught on a “hot mic” speculating about Chris Christie’s reasons for endorsing Donald Trump. “Did he have a debt or something?” Whatever you think of Hillary, the woman is not stupid.
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So what’s the difference between #MarcoRubio and #JebBush? About three weeks? #GOPPrimary
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Ben Carson, in explaining why he endorsed the Donald, said that even if Trump “turns out not to be such a great president … we’re only looking at four years.” as opposed to if the Democrats win “multiple generations and perhaps the loss of the American dream forever.”
Wow, well at least someone thinks Hillary is powerful.
So folks saying they always knew #Trump #Clinton would be 2016 Pres. candidates also will pretend their 1st weekend brackets are perfect?
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Donald #Trump is saying. “We need to bring our party together.”. And never has Tonto’s quote been more apt – “Who’s ‘we’. white man?”
#TedCruz, doubling down on promise to be a strong president for Israel. Sorry, I thought we were choosing President for the US? #GOPPrimary
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Since #TedCruz might be last alternative to #DonaldTrump would like to thank the San Antonio #Spurs for reminding us of the possibilities of sanity in Texas.
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Jerry Brown, “If Trump were ever elected, we’d have to build a wall around California to defend ourselves from the rest of this country.”
Another reason we Californians love Governor Moonbeam 2.0. (He did add “By the way that is a joke. We don’t like walls, we like bridges.”)
Categories: GOP jokes, pitino jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bachelor jokes, Florida jokes, Janice Hough, March madness jokes, NCAA jokes, NCAA tournament jokes, Rubio jokes, tournament jokes, Trump jokes
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December 18, 2015
Martin Shkreli, the infamous CEO of Turing Pharma who raised the price of an AIDS pill by over 5,000% was arrested today on charges of securities fraud. Mean bitch karma for the win!
Disney has announced that due to security concerns, visitors over the age of 14 will no longer be able to wear costumes in their theme parks, even on Halloween. Well, that’s just Goofy.
New Walt Disney theme park enhanced security will mean no costumes, no toy guns (including light sabers?), and metal detectors at the entrances. Although if they really want to keep people safe Disney could just threaten anyone arrested as a terror suspect with being locked for hours inside “It’s a Small World.” #torture
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So will #Adele‘s next sad song be about trying to buy tickets to her own concerts?
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The San Francisco school district apparently got an email threat similar to the one sent to Los Angeles and NY, but decided to stay open. So sorry kids, looks like closing down your school is no longer an alternative to studying for finals.
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According to TMZ, RIchard Simmons has refused to go out in public for two years because he no longer wants to be famous. And most Americans at this point are saying “Who?”
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Two quarterbacks in a week have decided to transfer from Texas A&M. And at 49ers headquarters Kaepernick and Gabbert are wondering “You can do that?”
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Glenn Beck says if Donald Trump is nominated – “you are going to see an end to the Republican Party.” Hmm. Promise?
Ben Carson is canceling planned trips to Israel, Nigeria, Kenya and Zambia, citing “security concerns.” So the good Doctor can stay in the U.S. and slam President Obama for not providing courageous leadership?
When police arrested two suspects for allegedly stealing Amazon packages off of porches, one of them had a nicely written daily “to do” list with her – including “kiss mom n tell her she’s loved, ” (aw) “shop-lift” (#cantfixstupid) And no, not Florida. San Diego.
From T.C. “MLB Commissioner Manfred has upheld the ban on Pete Rose being associated with any Major League baseball team. Rose is considering applying for a position with The Seattle Mariners.”
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: adele jokes, Janice Hough, Shkreli jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
December 16, 2015
Marco Rubio, when asked about same-sex marriage, responded “I will appoint Supreme Court justices that will interpret the Constitution as originally constructed.” So Rubio’s going to look for justices who are in favor of owning slaves?
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Pete Rose says he “accepts” Rob Manfred’s upholding his MLB ban – “You can’t rewrite something,” Wonder if Rose bet that would be the commissioner’s decision.
So for all those who think the #Warriors are invincible this year, remember this, they lost to a #Bucks team that c0uldn’t beat the #Lakers.
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Yasiel Puig was amongst a small group of players who returned to Cuba today as part of the first MLB trip to the island nation since 1999. And privately no doubt some in the Dodgers organization are thinking “Fidel, can you keep him?”
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For anyone complaining on the East Coast about spring-like pre-Christmas weather, Denver residents and anyone with a flight scheduled to or through Denver International Airport on Tuesday have a brief message for you: STFU.
(The airport was been largely closed all day due to snow.)
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United Airlines flight attendants will be picketing at 14 airports around the world Thursday to protest “unfair” contracts since the airline merged with Continental. So guessing the “Friendly Skies” will be even less friendly than usual this holiday season….
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Wisconsin coach Bo Ryan, whose Badgers are 7-5, said he is retiring effective immediately. And a whole lot of NFL and NBA coaches are going – so Ryan wants to quit while his team is over achieving?
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Dallas owner Jerry Jones says the “Cowboys will not shut Dez Bryant down for the season.” Well, of course not. The teams Dallas has faced all year have already done that.
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So all Los Angeles County schools have been closed and over 600,000 children sent home over a “credible” bomb threat. Well, not sure about terrorism, but a whole lot of smart kids who hate school just got some great future inspiration.
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Who knows who was responsible for today’s terror threat in Los Angeles. But if they catch him or her perhaps the best punishment would be to lock them in a room with some LAUSD parents: Hell hath no fury like a mom or dad who just discovered they needed last-minute daycare.
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The Mayor of Birmingham, AL, and a city councilor are apparently planning to press charges against each other after the two men got into a fight during a city council meeting last night, and both ended up in the hospital. #ifonlytheywerearmed
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A pro-John Kasich Super PAC has a new ad Pro-Kasich super PAC refers to Donald Trump as a “hippo-crit,” and uses a picture of a hippo to drive home the comparison. Okay, who thought that a hippo would be used in an attack ad against anyone but Chris Christie?
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Anyone else thinking this #GOPDebate might have been a lot more fun if all the candidates were armed?
Arrgh. Watching the local news and a young local Republican woman talking about wanting a candidate who kept her safe from terrorism. Fine, okay. But then she said she didn’t want to go to see the Star Wars movie and worry about being shot.. Uh, did she forget who shot up that theater in Colorado?
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So all this talk about terrorism and “people who want to kill us.” Guess I missed the part where the GOP candidates talked about how Americans who have been murdered by other Americans with no Muslim ties weren’t truly victims?
Ben Carson asked for a moment of silence tonight for the victims in San Bernardino. Now, no American really has a problem with that. But where were Carson’s requests for a moment of silence for the Planned Parenthood victims, or the children of Sandy Hook? #politics #priorities
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From T.C. “Santa’s elves have a sense of humor, they are sending Jason Pierre-Paw a guitar for Christmas. He will probably regift it to Andy Dalton.”
Categories: debate jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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Left Coast Sports Babe 