Posted tagged ‘Trump jokes’
July 7, 2015
At the Minnesota Zoo, a grizzly bear threw a rock into a five-layer barrier hard enough to shatter the glass. Fortunately, there were no injuries. And the bear has been offered a tryout to pitch for the Red Sox.
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Seahawks QB Russell Wilson says he and his singer girlfriend Ciara are following “Jesus’s playbook” and not having pre-martial sex. So even God is telling Wilson not to attempt a pass?
Coral Springs, Florida police say they have dropped an investigation into the NY Giants’ Jason Pierre-Paulafter, who badly injured his hands with illegal fireworks, because it was “outside their jurisdiction.”
Possible translation. “With all the crap going in this state, you think we have time to worry about some idiot who’s already punished himself more than our judicial system ever could?”
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The PGA said today that this year’s PGA Grand Slam tournament will be moved from Los Angeles’s Trump National Golf Club. Amazing. Who knew it was possible to be un-PC enough to upset an organization run primarily by and for rich white men?
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Paula Deen is back in the headlines, this time for tweeting an four-year-old picture with her son Bobby in “brownface”, dressed up as Ricky Ricardo. Well, it’s not as if Deen has had any experience with social media before… #cantfixstupid
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Donovan McNabb, 38, was arrested last night for his 2nd DUI in 2 years. Sounds like the former Eagles, Redskins and Vikings’ QB is trying just a bit too hard to act like he still belongs in the NFL
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From Marc Ragovin “One of the Mets’ upcoming promotions is “Emoji Tee Shirt Night.” With their offense I assume all the emojis will be frowny faces
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Rant time. Okay, again, the random shooting of a young woman on a San Francisco pier was awful. No question. But one woman is killed by a disturbed man who should have been deported and the GOP calls for a massive overhaul of immigration procedures.
Whereas nine people are killed in church by a disturbed man who should never have had a firearm, and the GOP sees no need to revisit gun control laws….
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Boston Red Sox jokes, Florida jokes, golf jokes, Janice Hough, Paula Deen jokes, Russell Wilson jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
July 5, 2015
Michael Eisner, former Disney CEO, said this week to Goldie Hawn at the Aspen Ideas Festival. “Boy I’m going to get in trouble, I know this goes online. But usually, unbelievably beautiful women – you being an exception – are not funny.”
Uh, one question, if you KNOW you’re going to get in trouble for a stupid remark, why say it?
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Major League Baseball outfitted all teams in blue hats with red and white starred numbers and letters on their jerseys for the Fourth of July. With replicas already available for sale on line. So the league both honored our country and demonstrated a true sense of what major U.S. sports are about -the ability to sell expensive stuff.
Donald Trump says that running for President is “bad for my brand.” Actually this is wrong, it’s not running for President, it’s the fact that Trump is opening his mouth and people are now paying attention to what’s coming out of it.
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More Trump. He said he didn’t realize that the corporate backlash to his comments about immigrants from Mexico would be “quite this severe.” If true, then the Donald has just admitted, again, that he’s too stupid to be president.
Matt Stonie, who ate 62 hot dogs to upset Joey Chestnut in this year’s Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating contest, told ESPN “I’ve trained hard for this. And millions of Americans at 4th of July BBQ’s are going “Yeah, yeah, I’m in training.”
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#HappyFourthofJuly. Where we celebrate USA independence by waving flags and shooting off fireworks that mostly are made in China.
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GB Packers TE Andrew Quarless was arrested this am after he allegedly fired a semi-automatic handgun into the air during an argument in Miami Beach. Although in Florida, unlike many states, discharging a firearm in public is only a misdemeanor instead of a felony. Hmm, wonder if the Dolphins and Buccaneers can use that law to lure free agents.
Billy Joel, 66, wed his 33-yr-old girlfriend on July 4. It’s the singer’s fourth marriage. Suppose Joel still probably didn’t serenade her with “Maybe this won’t last very long, But you feel so right, And I could be wrong…..
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Donald Trump is using the awful random killing shooting in SF as fodder for his anti-immigrant stance, tweeting “what do you say to the family of Kathryn Steinle in CA who was viciously killed b/c we can’t secure our border?”
Okay, so what does he say to the families of everyone who was viciously killed in Charleston, Sandy Hook etc, because we can’t secure our guns?
From T.C. “Ballot stuffing has resulted in 5 Kansas City starters voted onto the AL All Star team. As the winner of the event gets World Series home field advantage, wouldn’t it be wiser for KC fans to vote in the entire Phillies team instead?”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: 4th of July jokes, Donald Trump jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Trump jokes
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July 1, 2015
The US beat Germany and is going to the Women’s World Cup final. Many Americans are so excited they might actually watch part of the game.
#USAUSAUSA
Just wondering, am I allowed to start a business and refuse clients who don’t believe in the Church of Baseball? #religiousfreedom
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The Justice Department is investigating possible airline collusion on airfares. When they wrap up the investigation the DOJ’s next project will no doubt be determining if water is wet.
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Wednesday was the first day that recreational marijuana is legal in Oregon. It was also the first day NBA free agents can sign with teams?
#Coincidence?
#Trailblazers–
It was 87 degrees with 34% humidity and everyone is complaining about how unbearably hot it is. Yes, Northern Californians are weather wimps.
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Recently released emails show that Hillary Clinton didn’t know how to work the office fax machine. Said everyone under 30, “what’s a fax machine?”
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The Boston Globe is reporting that Tom Brady and his wife Gisele Bundche, have apparently hit a snag in their efforts to o join The Country Club (TCC) in Brookline, Mass. It may be because the couple are too famous. Or maybe members don’t trust Tom around their inflatable water toys.
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Jim Carrey called California Gov. Jerry Brown a ‘corporate fascist who must be stopped” and said the CDC was “corrupt” after Brown signed a mandatory vaccine bill. Maybe Carrey took that “Bruce Almighty” role a little too seriously?
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Now Macy’s is the latest to end their relationship with Donald Trump over his comments from referring to immigrants from Mexico as “killers and rapists.” Well, maybe this is another part of Presidential candidate Trump’s jobs program – creating a lot of new job opportunities as his own company gets fired.
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A Tennessee hardware store owner put up a sign saying, “No Gays Allowed.” because he says homosexuality is against his religion and that if LGBT’s can stand up for what they believe in so should Christians.
Okay, fine, what about the “No Fornicators Allowed” sign? You know, adulterers, people having premarital sex, remarried divorced people….
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Blue Jays 11, Red Sox 2, Toronto batters rapped out 16 hits. Maybe Boston pitchers didn’t realize that Canada Day, while a holiday, does not generally require the giving of gifts.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: airliine jokes, baseball jokes, Brady jokes, church of baseball, gay marriage jokes, marijuana jokes, Trump jokes, women's world cup jokes, World Cup jokes
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June 30, 2015
So what will Chris Christie’s campaign slogan be? Suggestion – “Put a real bully in the pulpit.”
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Chris Christie has joined the 2016 Presidential race. Guess he figured the field needed a heavy hitter?
(Yes, Chris Christie fat jokes are like shooting fish in a barrel. If the fish were deep fried and covered with a cream sauce.)
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Open note to both #ChrisChristie & #DonaldTrump – “That word does not mean what you think it means.” #Bullypulpit #princessbride
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Donald Trump has now filed a $500 million lawsuit against Univision after they dropped his pageants. So is that how the Donald plans to deal with all his opponents and our enemies aboard – sue them?
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Some day the NBA is really going to miss Coach Popovich. But fortunately not yet. Pop on free agency, which started at 12:01am Wednesday. “I’m not calling anyone at midnight, I’ll be in bed. And if that’s the difference in someone coming or not coming, then I don’t want them.”
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BJ’s Restaurant & Brewhouse, trying to promote their new quinoa dishes, is offering a $10,000 gift card to the first person who can prove, with a birth certificate, that they have named their baby “Quinoa.” $10,000?! That would barely cover a year’s therapy.
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Daytona International Speedway will give a free U.S. flag to any fan wishing to trade in their Confederate flag this weekend. Who’d a thunk that NASCAR would end up being more sensitive to symbols than the NFL? #Redskins
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At current count “only” five Royals are slated to start the MLB All-Star game. But whatever happens, maybe these Presidential candidates desperate for votes in 2016 should consider hiring a consultant from Kansas City.
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#SFGiants have DFA’d #CaseyMcGehee for a second time in 2015. Do we call this a “Double Play DFA?”
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QB Russell Wilson said in an interview “I’ll play hard for $25 million or for $1.5 million.” And Seahawks management is thinking “Are both of those offers?”
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The Ku Klux Klan plans a July rally protest possibly removing the Confederate flag from South Carolina statehouse grounds. If they feel that strongly about the flag maybe the Klan should head overseas and try to raise it in an ISIS stronghold?
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Open note to anyone asking for a political contribution. “Urgent” in the subject line is effectively a synonym for “Hit the delete button.” #enoughalready
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The University of Missouri at Kansas City paid Chelsea Clinton $65,000, to speak, because they couldn’t afford Hilary’s fee of $275,000. Hmm, if the school could have held out for a few years maybe they could have gotten Charlotte for less.
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One escaped murderer is dead, the other in hospital and in custody. But the FBI is now apparently investigating a possible heroin ring in the New York prison where the two escaped from earlier this month. The surviving convict better stay alive at this point, they’ll need him as a consultant for the movie
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A Louisiana man, unhappy with Walmart’s removing Confederate flags from their stores, went in with a picture of an ISIS flag, and had it put on a cake, then complained in a Youtube video that went viral. Walmart has apologized. “It’s unfortunate one customer thought to take advantage of an associate who did not know the flag and its meaning,”
And some people think it doesn’t matter if all Americans are educated.
From Marc Ragovin “Dwyane Wade has opted out of his contract with the Heat. “I think a lot of teams are going to show interest in him,” said 2009.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: All-Star Game jokes, Chris Christie jokes, Christie jokes, Confederate flag jokes, Janice Hough, Nascar jokes, Royals jokes, Trump jokes, Walmart jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
June 29, 2015
Some may be shocked at the speed at which gay marriage became mainstream. For perhaps a bigger shock in terms of a fast change, yes, this week’s Astros Royals series really could be a preview of the American League Championship Series.
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Regarding this religious objection stuff to judges, clerks and gay marriage…. While I respect people’s right to their religion, what if you are a man whose religion teaches that women are subservient to men? Does that give you a right to disobey or refuse to work for a female boss?
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Donald Trump said that if he is elected President he will change his hair style, because it takes too much time to maintain. Well, that’s good news….. for the furry thing that lives on his head. #goingtoliveforever
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NBCUniversal says the the Miss USA and Miss Universe pageants will no longer air on the network. Both pageants have been jointly owned by NBC and Donald Trump. This may be in response to Trump’s recent anti-immigrant comments. Or maybe those pageant ratings were a lot lower than we thought.
Donald Trump’s ranting statement today included this – “If NBC is so weak and so foolish to not understand the serious illegal immigration problem in the United States….” Speaking of serious problems, could Trump not afford a ghostwriter who learned in school not to split an infinitive?
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There’s still talk about how disappointed some NY Knicks fans (and Carmelo Anthony) were with the team’s #1 pick, Kristaps Porzingis. How about a little discussion of how disappointed Pozingis might be to have been drafted by the Knicks?
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Veteran MLB executive Andy MacPhail apparently will join the Philadelphia front office and be introduced as part of “new Phillies’ leadership” today. Except isn’t “Phillies leadership” an oxymoron?
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Police say alcohol was involved in the death of a Michigan man who died when a firework he was holding to his head exploded. #Darwin #Ifonlyhewasarmed
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Oscar De La Hoya, announcing he is NOT coming back out of retirement. “My wife was all for it. But my kids didn’t want to see old Papa get hurt.” Hmm, does that mean his wife did want to see him get hurt…?
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Jimmy Fallon is saying he injured his left hand when he “tripped and caught my fall (good thing)! Ring caught on side of table almost ripped my finger off (bad thing).” And a whole lot of men who lost their marriage excuse because gays can now get married just got another reprieve – “I’d love to honey, but those rings are DANGEROUS.”
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Just wondering, where wasusually very outspoken Darth Vader, excuse me, #DickCheney, on subject of #SupremeCourt upholding gay marriage?
All of these stories and photos of Caitlyn Jenner, 65, in skimpy, and/or really tight clothes. How long before the transgender stuff fades and people start just telling her to dress her age?
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The Supreme Court voted 5-4 today to stay a recent lower court ruling that would have shuttered all but nine Texas abortion clinics. The state already has some of the toughest restrictions in the U.S, half have closed in the last two years.
Just for starters, maybe they could at least have an equivalent waiting period in Texas for having abortions and buying guns.
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BS detector post of the day: Texas Gov. Rick Perry, unhappy with the Supreme Court’s decision to keep abortion clinics open in face of new regulations requiring them to be constructed like surgical centers. “It unnecessarily puts lives in danger by allowing unsafe facilities to continue to perform abortions.”
Uh, if it’s about women’s health, Texas could a) drop “abstinence only” sex education, and cut down on unwanted pregnancies AND STDs, b) fund clinics for low-income women to prescribe and dispense birth control, and c) make it easier to get the “morning-after pill,” which is safer than any medical abortion.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Donald Trump jokes, gay marriage jokes, Janice Hough, Phillies jokes, Supreme Court jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
June 27, 2015
A crowd of over 70,000 turned up for the Grateful Dead concert tonight in Santa Clara, California, including many original “Deadhead” fans from the 60s, 70s and 80s, Hope these graying fans weren’t too disappointed when they finally hear how bad the band sounded without benefit of drugs.
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In Las Vegas this morning the longest odds on any baseball team winning today was for the Miami Marlins without Giancarlo Stanton against the Los Angeles Dodgers with Clayton Kershaw on the mound #thatswhytheyplaythegame. (final score, 3-2 Marlins)
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But really? One of the “top stories” headlines on USAToday.com today is “Stanton injury a crushing blow for fantasy owners.” As opposed to a blow to the Marlins, Marlins fans, or baseball fans in general who just like to watch a great player?
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Meanwhile, there needs to be a constitutional amendment banning the wave at A T and T Park. #sfgiants. #thehorror
A Kuwait Airlines plane from New York to Kuwait was forced to make an emergency landing at Heathrow this morning, allegedly because passengers on board had food poisoning. Surely this can’t be serious. It is serious, and don’t call me Shirley…..
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I wanted the Confederate flag down at the South Carolina statehouse as much as anyone. But removing Civil War games because they have images of the flag? Seems a bit too uncomfortably close to banning the “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn” because of the language.
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Bill Cosby’s lawyer is arguing that it would be “terribly embarrassing” for the comedian if documents from a 2005 sex-assault lawsuit were unsealed. And his point is?
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And of course Donald Trump had to weigh in on the SCOTUS gay marriage decision – “Once again the Bush appointed Supreme Court Justice John Roberts has let us down. Jeb pushed him hard! Remember!” Well, yeah, because the Donald believes in traditional marriage so much he’s had three of them.
(as a few friends pointed out… Roberts dissented. It’s this kind of attention to detail that should make Trump such a formidable candidate…. for comedy writers at least.)
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30 years later there’s going to be a “Top Gun 2,” with Tom Cruise reprising his role as “Maverick.” So now he’ll be “ridin’ into the danger zone” with his left blinker on.
Bristol Palin’s ex-fiance, Dakota Meyer, had a rhetorical post asking why with three deadly ISIS/ISIL terrorist attacks this week, people are so interested in a “dog and pony show” that is “inconsequential compared to that which is truly relevant.”
Unfortunately for Mr. Meyer, it may be precisely because the “real” news is so awful sometimes, that people are interested in something ridiculous, even if it isn’t amusing to the parties involved. And also in Bristol’s case, because we like seeing Karma in mean bitch mode.
From my SF Giants fan friend Mike Pettengill: “After 76 games:
Pablo Sandoval – 24R + 65H + 6HR + 24RBI + .270Avg + 10E = $17.6m
Matt Duffy – 27R + 63H + 7HR + 36RBI + .294Avg + 6E = $509,000”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, Confederate flag jokes, Dodgers jokes, Grateful dead jokes, Janice Hough, Palin jokes, Top gun 2 jokes, Trump jokes
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June 23, 2015
Now Rand Paul and Donald Trump have joined the call to take Confederate flags down and put them “in a museum” Guess it’s hard to ignore the way the wind’s blowing when it becomes a full-fledged hurricane.
Gamecocks coach Steve Spurrier, who has indicated his distaste for that “damn Confederate flag” before, today tweeted “The South Carolina football team, players and coaches strongly support Governor Haley’s decision to remove the flag from the capitol.”
Well, so now we’ve finally got a statement from one of the REALLY powerful men in the state.
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Regarding Trump’s decision to speak up against the Confederate flag, did that furry thing that lives on his head whisper in his ear? #combingaround?
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Virginia Governor Terry McAuliffe says he is also immediately taking steps tio remove the Confederate flag from state specialty license plates. Don’t get me wrong, I think all this getting rid of the flags is a good idea. But it is also all a lot easier than dealing with the gun problem.
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Rush Limbaugh is now proclaiming that removing the Confederate flag is about “destroying the south” Actually Limbaugh should be sending flowers to the politicians in South Carolina as no doubt their actions will increase the number of angry white men who listen to him.
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Rapper Diddy (Sean Combs), whose son plays football at UCLA, was arrested for attacking a coach with a kettlebell weight. Talk about helicopter parents, this guy was trying to be more of a bomber plane parent.
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Gmail has a new feature, “undo send,” which allows users to delay emails 5-30 seconds so they can be canceled and retrieved, Of course, if you’re mad (or drunk) enough to send an email you’ll later regret, hard to imagine calming down (or sobering up) enough in 30 seconds to change your mind.
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Okay, clearly there are more important issues in the world. But regarding these pleas from teams to vote for their potential All-Star players “Vote 35 times right now.”
So how in the world did they come up with 35 as the magic number. Even in Chicago folks are thinking that’s excessive.
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The Minnesota State Fair has released its list of new foods for 2015. Including caramel chocolate-dipped bacon ice cream bars, mac and cheese cupcakes, and a burger dog with hot dogs, hamburger meat, bacon, cheese and peppers on a bun. And no doubt ticket stubs from the fair will be good for a discount at your friendly cardiologist.
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Iowa is granting permits to acquire or carry guns in public to people who are legally or completely blind. Texas and Florida are thinking “Why didn’t we think of that?”
New York City is apparently probing Whole Foods Markets over allegedly overcharging customers for the last five years. Uh, isn’t overcharging customers part of Whole Foods’ mission statement?
Oops, Russell Athletic apparently accidentally produced some maroon and white jerseys with both Mississippi State and Texas A&M logos on them. Were they counting on fans at each school not being able to read?
This bus-to-hell moment brought to you by Marc Ragovin: “Dick Van Patten (1928-2015) has passed away. I guess 86 was enough. “
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Confederate flag jokes, flag jokes, Florida jokes, Janice Hough, Limbaugh jokes, South Carolina jokes, Trump jokes, voting jokes, Whole Foods jokes
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June 18, 2015
Warriors coach Steve Kerr says after the Warriors victory parade Friday, “I just want to sit on my couch and watch the U.S. Open and drink beer.” Well, for the last two rounds maybe Kerr can invite Tiger Woods to join him,
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Apparently in the 24 hours after the Golden State Warriors won the NBA championship, a record amount of gear was sold. Wonder if for an extra charge manufacturers could make the shirts etc look like fans had been wearing them for a while.
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Donald Trump apparently offered actors $50 each to show up and cheer for him as he announced his run for the Presidency.. Aha, NOW I see the Donald’s jobs plan… imagine how many people he will have to hire to show up at his various campaign events.
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For the first time since 1970, McDonald’s is closing more restaurants than they are opening in the U.S. Because in an era of pizza with hot dogs and XXL grilled stuffed burritos, their offerings aren’t fattening enough for Americans anymore?
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An American tourist, 27, is in stable condition with bite wounds at a Cancun hospital. This after the man, while allegedly drunk, ignored England and Spanish warning signs and climbed the barbed-wire fence of a crocodile enclosure at the Iberostar resort…. And once again, Darwin is thinking “missed it by THAT much.” #cantfixstupid
Maybe SF Giants fans should be happy at least Sandoval left before we got these “Panda being Panda” stories. He was benched for tonight’s game after “liking” a young woman’s pictures on Instagram last night during the game. Said he was in the bathroom at the time…..
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A little inside baseball for SF Giants fans.
#Panda who? #McGehee who? #Duffy does it again. #SFGiants
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Astros’ GM Luhnow is denying reports that alleged Cardinals’ hackers got into the Astros database because he hadn’t changed his password(s). But have to wonder how many other people in baseball who have changed teams in the past just changed their passwords.
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And now back to the serious stuff. Don’t worry. I’m not going to stay with this much serious stuff for long. Though it would be nice to dream that maybe THIS time some things might actually change…. No joke.
The NY Times is reporting that the alleged Charleston terrorist was arrested and banned from a local mall in Feb. 2015 after he alarmed security guards by asking questions at stores about employees and when they left the mall. Then he was arrested again two months later at the mall, and jailed for 12 days. Clearly a troubled young man. And his dad decided that a good birthday present for him was a gun?!!!
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Well, that didn’t take long. FoxNews.com already has an editorial saying that if churches weren’t gun-free zones, last night’s ” horrible tragedy…probably could have been avoided.”
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And now it also comes out that last week the alleged Charleston terrorist told friends and neighbors at the park that “he was looking to kill a bunch of people on Wednesday.” And his roommate said the guy has been talking about “something like that for six months.”“He was big into segregation and other stuff.. He said he wanted to start a civil war. He said he was going to do something like that and then kill himself.”
But they thought he was joking. We’ve been taught to take suicide threats seriously, seems like it’s time to do the same with comments about killing. Even TSA, as much as we joke about them, would have stopped him for those words.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, Cardinals jokes, Darwin awards, Darwin jokes, Janice Hough, McDonalds jokes, Sandoval jokes, Trump jokes, Warriors jokes
Comments: 5 Comments
June 16, 2015
Jeb Bush is trying to distance himself from those who worry he will simply repeat his brother’s presidency. And somewhere Dick Cheney is cackling “People actually BELIEVE W. was President….”
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Bob Uecker, 81, was hit by a ball during pregame batting practice and suffered a mild concussion. Maybe he should have been standing more than “just a bit outside” of the batting cage.
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Guessing a few people will be fired in St. Louis over their hacking of the Astros. But as to punishment for the Cardinals? Rob Manfred may call Selig for advice on setting up one of those “Blue Ribbon Committees.” (The one on the A’s potentially moving is only into its sixth year.)
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Really bad timing for the St. Louis Cardinals to get caught.. This year investigators will believe the Astros actually had information worth stealing.
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As of today, eight Kansas City Royals are in to start this year’s All-Star game. Along with former Royal Nori Aoki. New commissioner Rob Manfred wants to wait until voting is over, but said MLB is “responsive and open to change if in fact it appears we get a result that is not consistent with the goals of the system that is currently in place.”
All-Star voting might be flawed? I’m shocked, shocked….
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Donald Trump has officially entered the 2016 Presidential race. And Jon Stewart is thinking about calling Brett Favre – “How do you do that ‘un-retiring’ thing?”
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Donald Trump’s Presidential campaign has just begun, but how long until someone demands a birth certificate for that furry thing that lives on his head. Pretty sure it wasn’t born in the U.S.
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United Airlines says they are moving their “P.S’ – Premium Service – hub from JFK to Newark for transcontinental flights. So for all those frequent fliers who have been complaining about delays and traffic to-from JFK and wondering if it could be any worse? The answer is yes.
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In California, Scott Wilk, a Republican assemblyman who was opposing the state budget on Facebook accidentally voted FOR it, and then posted on Twitter. “My wife is right — I can’t multitask!” Kind of makes you feel real warm and fuzzy about the rest of Wilk’s legislative actions. Not to mention his driving.
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A man from Mims, a small town about an hour from Orlando, was drinking at a BBQ with friends when he decided to check if there was still a round in the chamber of his gun – by putting the weapon to his head and pulling the trigger. There was.
Services are pending. Back on your game, Florida,
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2-out 2-run double today for Casey McGehee. Maybe that’s #SFGiants‘ solution, only let #McGehee bat when there’s no chance for a double play.
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GOP House members are trying to zero out federal funding for the Title X family planning program, which provides birth control and other reproductive health services to individuals, mostly young women, earning less than $25,000 a year. Right. Because if we all agree one goal is to reduce unwanted pregnancies and thus potential abortions, no doubt denying poor women birth control will stop them having sex….. #facepalm
So Neil Young told Donald Trump to stop using his song “Rocking in the Free World” as a campaign theme. Maybe Young should offer to rewrite another song in a way that would be perfect for the Donald: How about “Ego and the Damage Done?”
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A former Baltimore Ravens cheerleader today pleaded guilty to having sex with a 15-year-old boy. The boy’s name has been not been released because he was a minor, protecting his privacy but no doubt also denying him bragging rights with his friends.
Congrats to the #GoldenStateWarriors Now, will they vote the #Clippers, who knocked off the #Spurs, a playoff share? #NBAFinals
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Got to give #LebronJames for playing with basically a six man bench. Even Snow White had seven dwarves. #NBAFinals
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Cardinals jokes, Florida jokes, hacking jokes, Janice Hough, jeb bush jokes, NBA finals jokes, St. Louis Jokes, Trump jokes
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June 1, 2015
Donald Trump, who is expected to formally announce later this month that he is running for President, told an interviewer “I have an absolute way of defeating ISIS, and it would be decisive and quick and it would be very beautiful. Very surgical.”
When asked what it was, the Donald replied. “If I tell you right now, everyone else is going to say: “Wow, what a great idea.” You’re going to have 10 candidates going to use it and they’re going to forget where it came from. Which is me.”
So if Trump doesn’t get elected he’s not going to tell the world ever as punishment for regretting him?
Bruce Jenner has announced that as a woman she will be known as Caitlyn, and appeared on the cover of Vanity Fair with gorgeous auburn tresses. Well, fortunately there’s enough money in the family Caitlyn will never need to have a bad hair day.
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Have to root for #CaitlynJenner if for no other reason than she appears to be knocking Kim Kardashian’s latest pregnancy out of the headlines.
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The Surpreme Court rules in favor of a young Muslim woman who sued Abercrombie and Fitch when they didn’t hire her because she said she had to wear a head scarf. Good for the Court. But have to wonder, if you are religious enough to wear a hijab, why would you want to work at Abercrombie and Fitch?
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An American woman was killed at a South African Safari Park when she and her husband ignored signs and written instructions NOT to drive through with their car windows open, and she was bitten by a lion. An Australian man survived a lion bite in March when he too drove through with a window open.
Perhaps the Safari Park needs to change their strategy. Instead of warnings, just post “Visitors who drive through with open windows will reduce our lion food bill.” #cantfixstupid
CNN points out that Lindsey Graham would be the first bachelor elected President since 1886. And that Grover Cleveland was accused of having a “love child.” Actually might help Graham to have rumors of an illegitimate kid.
KFC is suing some Chinese companies and demanding an apology over a social media campaign against KFC food, including a rumor that their chickens are genetically modified to have six wings and eight legs. But really, who would believe that KFC uses actual chicken?
After TSA agents failed to detect fake bombs in 67 out of 70 test cases, the acting head of the agency was reassigned. Homeland Security officials said in a statement – “The numbers in these reports never look good out of context.” Uh, is there a context in which a 95% failure rate looks good?
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Buster Posey was called out on a play at #AT&TPark where a Pirates fan was ruled to have interfered with a PITTSBURGH rightfielder’s attempt to catch a ball that might or might not have been catchable. Hmm… interesting potential strategy for #SFGiants fans on the road.
An optimistic note from Bill Littlejohn “Husband and wife Tony and Janet Blundy recently made back-to-back holes in one, a feat estimated at odds of 50,000,000-to-one. So, you see—there’s still hope for Tim Tebow.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: #Caitlyn Jenner jokes, #cantfixstupid, Janice Hough, Kardashian jokes, KFC jokes, Lindsey Graham jokes, Trump jokes, TSA jokes
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May 12, 2015
Dennis Norfleet, Michigan’s all-time leader in kick returns and kick return yards has been dismissed from the program over a disciplinary issue with new coach Jim Harbaugh. Shall we start a pool with which SEC team Norfleet will end up?
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Jim Harbaugh and Michigan have self-reported four minor violations to the NCAA. One of them, that he sent an autographed helmet and jersey to a high school auction benefiting a scholarship fund. (Which apparently Jim didn’t know was illegal.) Really good to see that the NCAA is focused on the important things.
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Verizon is buying AOL. In hopes that finally two wrongs do make a right?
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So apparently in yesterday’s apparent road rage incident involving George Zimmerman, both Zimmerman and the man who allegedly shot him -resulting in minor injuries -had guns with them at the time. And Darwin is thinking “Missed a two-fer by THAT much”
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Tom Brady’s agent has accused Ted Wells of running a biased “sting” investigation on “Deflategate”, and Wells has fired back defending himself and the report. I’m wondering how long until one of the fired Patriots’ employees decides to supplement his severance pay with a book deal…..#whenyoureinaholestopdigging?
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Today President Obama’s Tuesday fast-track trade deal was stalled in the Senate….by Democrats. And over at Fox News heads are exploding. #dowehavetopickaside?
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Just got a pre-sale notice for the Radio City Music Hall Christmas Spectacular. So is it time for stores to start decorating?
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The U.K. Daily Mail is reporting that the real reason Lindsey Vonn and Tiger Woods split up is that she found out he cheated on her. “I can’t believe Tiger would do that” said nobody.
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A woman gave birth on an AIr Canada flight to Japan, and said she hadn’t even known she was pregnant. Another graduate of “Abstinence only” education?
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Donald Trump has apparently TRADEMARKED the slogan “Make America Great Again” for his Presidential campaign. Is he trying to top “Mission Accomplished?”
Per Duane Kuiper, #SFGiants are hitting 5 for 26 with the bases loaded in 2015. Matt #Duffy with the bases loaded is 3 for 4. #McGehee who?
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The SF Giants have a much maligned farm system. But starting today. Pitcher Chris Heston, catcher Buster Posey, first baseman Brandon Belt, second baseman Joe Panik, shortshop Brandon Crawford, and third baseball Matt Duffy. Every single one of them home-grown talent.
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MLB has tightened security for its game balls after Deflategate. Angels pitcher C.J. Wilson commented “Obviously, there’s not as much that you can do to baseballs. I mean, you can’t change the density of the baseball at any point — unless you dunk them in water. Then they’re going to be 9 ounces, and everyone’s going to blow their arms out.” Hmm. wonder how he knew that?
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Lindsay Lohan, who still has more than half of her 250 mandated community service hours to go from a 2013 reckless driving conviction, apparently missed her first day Tuesday at a Brooklyn preschool. This could really put her in jeopardy with Hollywood’s “37 strikes and you’re out” policy.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: deflategate jokes, George Zimmerman jokes, Harbaugh jokes, Janice Hough, NCAA jokes, SF Giants jokes, Tiger jokes, Tom Brady jokes, Trump jokes
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May 5, 2015
A picture has gone viral of some idiot family -teenagers and dad -proudly posing in front of Tumalo Falls in Oregon, after they carved their initials into the railing. Where is a good mountain lion when you need one?
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A Florida couple was convicted and could face up to 15 years in prison for “lewd and lascivious behavior” because they were having sex on a beach during the middle of the day in front of families including children. Thinking this being Florida they might do less time if they had just shot a witness. #humpingtheirground
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New Dallas DE Greg Hardy has already been suspended for 10 games over domestic violence. Now after a Carolina Panthers fan tweeted a picture of Kelvin Benjamin and new draft pick Devin Funchess, describing the new teammates as “The Twin Towers.” Hardy tweeted back “didn’t the twin towers get blown up lol.” #cantfixstupid
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Marilyn Hartman, California’s “serial stowaway”, now has been arrested twice at O’Hare for sneaking into a restricted area without a ticket. Wonder if TSA at least confiscated her bottled water?
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Regarding this trendy new “#HowOldRobot new app. Does it automatically add years to your age if you can’t figure out how do to the app?
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The #Cubs said they will FINALLY open two bleacher sections next Monday. Meaning beer sales at #WrigleyField for 2015 are about to double.
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Floyd Mayweather says he is willing to fight Manny Pacquiao again. The bigger question might be who is willing to pay to see it. #foolmeonce…
Sign of the apocalypse? Donald Trump actually said something I agree with.on Fox News. That the shootings at the “Draw Muhammad” contest were “disgusting,” But “she (Pam Geller) is taunting them… it’s risky for her. I don’t know – maybe she likes risk. But what the hell is she doing, and what is the purpose of it?’ ‘They can’t do something else? They have to be in the middle of Texas, doing something on Muhammad and insulting everybody?’
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The SF Giants’ Madison Bumgarner has to be thrilled with last night’s performance. Not his no-hitter into the 7th, and 8 shutout innings despite 4 errors. But Madbum FINALLY broke his 0 for the season with his first hit! Now for that first home run. #DHmyass
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A Florida man was arrested after he tried to cash a check for $368 billion dollars. Hmm, had he only tried to cash one for $368 million would he have gotten away with it?
Okay, who had as of May 5 that the #SFGiants‘ leader in RBI’s and HR’s would be #BrandonCrawford? Now all you liars put your hands down.
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Carly Fiorina is now defending her record at HP, saying all her layoffs helped “transform a company from failing to succeeding.” Well, there might be some truth to that, but thinking the firing that most helped the company was her own.
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Carson, Fiorina, Huckabee…. who’s next this week? Thinking the fire marshall is soon going to be placing limits on the number on stage for the first GOP Presidential Primary debate?
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, Carly Fiorina jokes, Cubs jokes, Florida jokes, GOP jokes, Greg Hardy jokes, Janice Hough, Mayweather jokes, Trump jokes, TSA jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
April 28, 2015
Due to the riots in Baltimore, tomorrow’s White Sox-Orioles game is closed to the public. So players on both teams will get a chance to see what it felt like to play in Montreal’s Olympic Stadium.
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Hoping things calm down in Baltimore as much as anyone. But anyone but me think it’s a bit ironic that Ray Lewis has a video message out “Get off the streets. Violence is not the answer”?
So Donald Trump is back to attacking Obama, tweeting ‘Our great African American President hasn’t exactly had a positive impact on the thugs who are so happily and openly destroying Baltimore!’ And asking if “US taxpayers are expected to rebuilt it (the city) again?”
Funny that I don’t seem to remember the Donald’s similar outrage when U.S. taxpayers were expected to bail out the banks and Wall Street.
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As much of a mess as things are in Baltimore, Maryland does have some very strict gun laws. Wonder how Americans would feel if many of those rioters were armed?
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Why should men have all the fun? #Cantfixstupid, female division. A California woman was arrested at her home less than half an hour after allegedly burglarizing a house in Palo Alto. Police were able to track her so quickly because she dropped her driver’s license during the burglary.
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A YouTube user “TechRax” tested Apple’s new “Watch Sport” by dropping it from a height of about 3 1/2 feet. When it landed face-down the watch screen shattered. So Apple engineers are too young to remember the goal of “Takes a licking and keeps on ticking.”?
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So for those people who want to get rid of “Hack-a-Shaq” because it’s not entertaining to watch, how do they feel about the intentional walk? Although if we really want to talk about breaking up the pace of games, how about TV time outs?
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Corporate logic, grocery store division. A local Safeway is under-performing expectations so has few cashiers available at any given time. One reason people I know don’t go to the store – the check-out lines are too long.
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Say it ain’t so. Suzanne Crough, 52, aka Tracy Partridge has passed away. It’s bad enough when the people you grew up watching on T.V. die. It’s worse when they are younger than you are.
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Google’s head of human resources says the company’s oldest employee is “over 80.” Ah, he must be the one who helped design the driver-less car seen around campus with its left blinker on.
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I was semi-joking about the DH and the SF Giants’ Madison Bumgarner, who likes to hit, yesterday. Today Madbum backs me up – and he’s serious. “I guarantee you. Some of the things you’re seeing in the American League wouldn’t happen if pitchers had to hit. They’d be a whole lot more polite.”
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Bernie Sanders is running for President. And now Jon Stewart might be REALLY reconsidering retirement. #Letthefunbegin!
Budweiser says it is removing a new slogan label on Bud Light that says “The perfect beer for removing ‘no’ from your vocabulary for the night.” Okay, the real question here is not who decided to remove the slogan, but who was idiotic enough to approve it in the first place? #justsayno
The Rockets won their first playoff series since 2009. The Astros are in first place. Are we sure we’re not seeing signs of the apocalypse? #Houstonwehaveaproblem?
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#Spurs win a close one at 1am #SanAntonio time. At that time of night most men their players’ age only get up to use the toilet. #SAvsLA
From Bill Littlejohn: “The NFL is giving up its tax-exempt status.I supposed with all of the scandals coming to light, it can no later be classified as a religion”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, Apple Watch jokes, Baltimore jokes, Budweiser jokes, Janice Hough, Ray Lewis jokes, Spurs jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
April 20, 2015
Say what? The NY Post reports that NYC Mayor Bill De Blasio’s hopes that a “draft de Blasio’’ movement will result in his beating Hillary in the primaries like “George McGovern successfully challenged the initially front-running establishment candidate, Edmund Muskie, more than 40 years ago” And we all know how well that worked out for the Democrats.
Today is 4-20. Let’s hope protesters in favor of marijuana legalization remember to show up before 4-21.
Jon Stewart told the UK Guardian that he is leaving The Daily Show because he was becoming increasing depressed by US politics and cable news. Which alas is how many Americans feel about coping with current events without him.
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Both the Oakland and Kansas City benches emptied for the third straight day during today’s game and five Royals were ejected after Kelvin Herrera threw a 100 mph fastball behind Brett Lawrie. Almost a shame the two teams don’t meet again until late June. – some say baseball doesn’t get high TV ratings because it’s not a contact sport.
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Tim Tebow is joining the Philadelphia Eagles. Meaning it will be a close competition between him, Matt Barkley and Mark Sanchez for the QB most likely to have Philly fans scream “Jesus Christ.”
Marco Rubio today “I also don’t believe that your sexual preferences are a choice for the vast and enormous majority of people. In fact, the bottom line is I believe sexual preference is something that people are born with.”
Is the Florida Senator saying he has conceded the bat sh*t crazy vote?
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Donald Trump apparently retweeted (then deleted) a tweet saying “If Hillary Clinton can’t satisfy her husband, what makes her think she can satisfy America. Thinking if Donald Trump can’t make TWO marriages work what makes him think he can deal with tough international relations.
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A new book says that Ronald Reagan believed in extra-terrestrial life and in 1985 told Mikhail Gorbachev at a peace summit that “he was sure the two superpowers would co-operate if Earth was threatened by alien invasion.” Don’t laugh too fast… alien invasion might explain some of the candidates we have running for President.
(My friend Suzanne G. says I have now disrespected aliens.)
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A British study found that drivers who were dehydrated (drinking 25 ml -less than an ounce of water) an hour, made as many mistakes as drivers who were over the DUI limit. Of course, imagine that drivers who drink a LOT of water are more likely to speed to get to a restroom.
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Texas Rangers GM Jon Daniels says he’d like to give Russell Wilson a shot but . “Obviously, he’s got a pretty good thing going on with the Seahawks, and we’re not going to get in the way of that.” Translation, Wilson’s a decent baseball player but he’s not THAT good.
(Alex B. says “Wilson was going to give baseball a go, but Pete Carroll told him to pass.”
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Apparently the Lily Pulitzer collection for Target caused a shopping frenzy Sunday morning online and at Target stores. And if you have any idea what that means you probably don’t have a Y chromosome.
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: 2016 Presidental election jokes, 4 20 jokes, De Blasio jokes, Janice Hough, Jon Stewart jokes, marijuana jokes, Rubio joke, Tebow jokes, Trump jokes
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March 18, 2015
Wonder what the once-again revamped Oakland As with all their new players will choose for their 2015 slogan. Think the NCAA may have already trademarked “One-and-done.”
Syracuse has announced men’s basketball coach Jim Boeheim will retire in three years. Interesting. Does this mean the Orangemen will make a “whatever it takes” push for the tournament in 2018, and then Boeheim will leave before they have to vacate the wins?
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President Obama picked undefeated Kentucky to win the NCAA men’s basketball tournament. Out of habit many in the GOP were about to disagree with him then stopped thinking “We’re crazy but we’re not THAT stupid.”
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#ESPN headline: “President Obama: Cats wear crown.” Narrows it down to about six teams. #Kentucky #Villanova #Arizona etc. #MarchMadness
SMU coach Larry Brown said today the thought Kentucky would make the NBA playoffs in the East. And John Calipari no doubt is thinking, “That’s absurd. Make the playoffs?! We should be at least a 4 seed in the East? ”
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Starbucks says it will start a delivery service in some parts of New York City later this year. For all those customers who can’t cross the street to get to the nearest branch?
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Baltimore RB Bernard Pierce has become the third Raven arrested this off-season, in his case for DUI. Looking good for all those who bet the “over.”
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Dallas has signed DE Greg Hardy to a one-year deal, although Hardy is still waiting for the NFL’s decision on a possible suspension for violating the league’s domestic conduct policy. Guess the Cowboys’ hating season is starting early this year.
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Donald Trump has formed a Presidential Exploratory Committee for 2016 saying “I am the only one who can make America truly great again!” Make America “truly great?” Trump can’t even do a great job with that furry thing that lives on his head.
From Alex Kaseberg ” the NCAA men’s college basketball tournament are set. The general consensus is Kentucky will win unless, in the last two minutes of the championship game, they are coached by Pete Carroll.
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The body of a man who was seen falling off the Carnival Triumph on Tuesday, the last night of a 5-day cruise, was found this morning. On the bright side, at least he didn’t have to pay his St. Patrick’s Day bar bill.
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T.J. Maxx has pulled a T-shirt from its stores when a customer in Florida complained. The shirt featured the phrase “Hang Loose,” along with a noose. The question here isn’t why they pulled the shirt, but who was stupid enough to try to sell it in the first place?
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Louisiana Rep. John Fleming just said Obama’s executive action on immigration is part of a “grand plan” to fix elections.
Because undocumented immigrants will have driver’s licenses, and in “many states, the only thing that are (sic) required to vote is simply an ID, well they’ll have one….. this is a part of a grand plan for the Democrat Party to make this nation into a single party state, as they have already accomplished in California, and you see the devastating impact it’s having there.”
#cantfixstupid, on so many levels.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: #cantfixstupid, basketball jokes, Dallas jokes, Janice Hough, Kentucky jokes, March madness jokes, Starbucks jokes, Trump jokes
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February 27, 2015
Oops. Someone at JetBlue Airways decided it was a good idea to tweet out “Oh, the Bluemanity” to their almost 2 million followers. (“Oh, the humanity!” was the radio announcer’s cry when the Hindenberg crashed and killed 36 people.). The tweet has been removed.
To paraphrase, those who cannot remember the past are condemned to make fools of themselves on social media? #cantfixstupid
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A California judge ruled that Lindsay Lohan’s self-selected “community service” in London doesn’t count, and she still has over 100 hours to complete if she doesn’t want to go to jail. PEOPLE magazine reported Lohan was trying to include things like having young people “shadow” her and hang out while she was performing in a play. Can’t imagine how celebrities get the reputation for being out of touch..
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KNBR radio reports that ESPN has their “Sunday Night Baseball” schedule out. Through July 19, the Red Sox and Yankees are on 7 times. The World Champion SF Giants zero. Ditto the Dodgers. The only team west of the Mississippi on at all are the Angels, twice. And they wonder why baseball doesn’t have a national audience.
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In Tennessee, two high school girls basketball coaches were suspended for this season and next year. This after a game where both teams tried to lose to get a better tournament position. Amongst numerous violations were deliberate attempts at turnovers and one attempted own-goal. Wouldn’t it have been easier for one coach just to tell his girls to play like the Knicks?
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Headline “MLBer shagging flies steps on sprinkler, tears knee cartilage.” Turns out of be bad news for the Blue Jays’ Michael Saunders. But most Giants fans seeing that story were sure it was Jeremy Affeldt.
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Donald Trump said yesterday that he is “more serious” than ever about running for President in 2016. And Jon Stewart is thinking “well, maybe I can delay that retirement just a bit….”
Anyone but me beginning to wonder how Aaron Hernandez, 25, managed to stay out of prison for as long as he did? #thanksurbanmeyer
A new British study has found that adults who sleep more than 8 hours a day have a significantly higher risk of strokes. Which is finally some really good health news for working mothers.
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NJ Gov. Chris Christie, speaking to conservative group CPAC, “Sometimes people need to be told to sit down and shut up.” Yep, including at times, Chris Christie.
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Regarding Chris Christie’s comment that “Sometimes people need to be told to sit down and shut up.” If the NJ Governor REALLY wants a boost to his Presidential prospects can he direct that statement to Kanye West?
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From T.C. “At the NFL combine, Jameis Winston ran the 40 in 4.97 sec. Rumor has it he improved his time to 4.55 when a scout handed him a bag of crab legs.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Aaron Hernandez jokes, baseball jokes, Chris Christie jokes, ESPN jokes, Janice Hough, JetBlue jokes, Lindsay Lohan jokes, Trump jokes
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January 20, 2015
ESPN reports that 11 of 12 game balls allotted to the Patriots for the AFC Championship game were found to be underinflated by two pounds of air (PSI) Out of a required 12.5-13.5 pounds. The report adds that the league is “disappointed … angry … distraught.” So that makes the entire NFL honorary Packers fans?
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Many think “deflate-gate” is ludicrous because the Patriots wouldn’t need to have cheated to beat the Colts. Of course, Nixon sure didn’t need to cheat to beat McGovern.
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Seahawks vs Patriots. A lot of people just really don’t care who wins the Super Bowl. At least Katy Perry will give millions of men two reasons to watch.
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Jim Harbaugh has hired his son, 25, as a coach. Of course Michigan fans don’t care if Harbaugh puts his dog on the payroll, as long as he can beat Ohio State.
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From Bill Littlejohn: “A large number of Seahawk fans left the stadium and were not around for Sunday’s wild finish.Thus, only 775,000 will claim that they were there to see it.”
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68 Stanford students shut down the San Mateo bridge during Monday’s commute. They were protesting Ferguson, as well as “state-sponsored and U.S.-sponsored violence in Mexico and Palestine.” Have no problem with their free speech in tying all those diverse things together, but thinking if you want to win people to your side, keeping them stuck in their cars after a long day of work doesn’t seem to be the best way to do it.
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Donald Trump says he is giving “serious thought” to another Presidential run. This may be the first time that “Donald Trump” and “serious thought” have been used in the same sentence.
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What’s the point of a long rebuttal to the #SOTU? When the basic message is simply. “What he said was all wrong”?
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So apparently some people are doing a “Nationwide Boycott of the SOTU” where they will take pictures of themselves turning their back on President Obama. Aren’t some of these the same people who are unhappy that we no longer do the Pledge of Allegiance each morning in school? – “One nation, INDIVISIBLE…..”
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Hope Solo just had domestic violence charges dropped against her, now allegedly she was almost arrested again for being “belligerent” when her former NFL player husband Jerramy Stevens was arrested for DUI in L.A. Who says female athletes will never be the equal of men?
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Why there is no satire. MLB just put Fred Wilpon in charge of the MLB finance committee. For the uninitiated, he is the owner of the Mets, whose performance should in and of itself question his ability to manage money, but he also lost about $700 million investing in a Ponzi scheme run by Bernie Madoff. And Wilpon’s defense to avoid criminal charges himself…. he had no clue what was going on…. #facepalm
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Kim Kardashian has a book coming out in May, titled “Selfish.” Does this really even need a punchline?
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MLB is proposing that pitchers now be ready to throw a pitch 30 seconds before all between-inning commercial breaks end. Hitters would need to be ready 20 seconds in advance. This would supposedly shorten all games that are not nationally televised by at least 10-15 minutes. Which means Yankees-Red Sox games will still last four hours.
Sad news Tuesday night, that a heart surgeon at Boston’s Brigham and Women’s Hospital has passed away after being shot this Tuesday morning, apparently by a disgruntled son of a former patient, who then turned the gun on himself. A sad remember that for all we worry about foreign terrorists, we have plenty of crazy dangerous people right in here in the USA.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: delflate-gate jokes, Harbaugh jokes, Janice Hough, Patriots jokes, Seahawks jokes, Super Bowl Jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 6 Comments
January 13, 2015
In D.C. one woman has died, two are in critical condition, and 81 others were injured when smoke filled a DC Metro station. And apparently this was caused by an electrical fault. Who needs terrorists when we have an aging and underfunded infrastructure?
Well, now that the Oregon-Ohio State game is over, we don’t have to see ESPN’s silly countdown clock to the National Championship. ESPN’s countdown clock to the Super Bowl no doubt starts tomorrow.
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When asked if he would ever consider moving to the NFL, Urban Meyer said, “Not right now. I’ve got a commitment to Ohio State.” Translation, ‘no ones offered me enough money, and none of my players here have yet been arrested for a felony.”
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Caradle Jones, the third-string QB who led OSU to the National Championship, when asked about leaving early for the NFL – “In my personal opinion, I’m not ready for that level yet.” Well, maybe, but Jones might be at least ready for the level of the Jets.
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Apparently Urban Meyer promised his team if they won the national championship he’d get a tattoo. And unlike his players, the OSU coach won’t get in trouble if he doesn’t pay for it.
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Stay classy, Texas congressman Randy Weber tweeted, “Even Adolph Hitler thought it more important than Obama to get to Paris. (For all the wrong reasons.) Obama couldn’t do it for right reasons.” Just guessing Rep. Weber, who crusades against gay marriage and immigration, “our traditional family values are under attack,” isn’t even likely to pick up a copy of Charlie Hebdo.
Mike Huckabee criticizes the Obamas in an interview with PEOPLE magazine because they “on one hand they can be such doting parents and so careful,” but they let their daughters listen to Beyonce. Yep, clearly a major lapse in parental judgment, and the President and First Lady might even let the girls read stuff like PEOPLE magazine.
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Jason Garrett signed a new five year contract with the Dallas Cowboys. The deal was based on Garrett’s loyalty, success on the field, and ability to tolerate Jerry Jones.
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Dianne Feinstein says the Justice Dept erred in recommending charges against General Petraeus over him giving his mistress access to some classified government documents. “It’s done, it’s over. He’s retired. He’s lost his job. How much does government want.” Besides, Petraeus probably didn’t leak as much as any two-bit college hacker can find in a day.
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Rep. Randy Weber has apologized for his recent tweet, saying it “It was not my intention to trivialize the Holocaust nor to compare the President to Adolf Hitler.” Considering the way that the Texas GOP demonizes Obama was Weber apologizing to the President or to Hitler?
Donald Trump is suing Palm Beach County because he says the airport is deliberately routing flights over his mansion – and causing “excessive, unreasonable, unwarranted and uninvited noise. The alleged motivation? Revenge for Trump’s blocking the airport expansion in the 1990s.
Well, if they weren’t doing it on purpose before, no doubt the airport director appreciates the idea.
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United Airlines has warned 2,000 workers that they may outsource gate agents and baggage handlers at 28 non-hub airports.. So you think their customer service is bad now? Cheer up, it may get worse.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Charlie Hebdo jokes, Cowboys jokes, DC jokes, Huckabee jokes, Janice Hough, Petraeus jokes, Randy Weber jokes, terrorism jokes, Trump jokes, United jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
January 9, 2015
The president of a U.S. group known as the Catholic league, Bill Donohue, yesterday issued a statement titled “Muslims are right to be angry.” Saying that Charlie Hedbo had “provoked” terrorists, and had their editor “not been so narcissistic, he may still be alive.”
Of course, Donohue may feel that he has the moral high ground, because Catholics have never murdered anyone they felt didn’t respect their religion. #nobodyexpectsthespanishinquisition
Just thinking, it’s a good thing females in general have a sense of humor, and are not likely to turn into crazy, vengeful mass murderers. Because the depiction of women at times in the media would have resulted in a whole lot more dead men.
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Donald Trump took to Twitter after the Charlie Hedbo massacre to say “If the people shot down in Paris had guns at least they would have had a fighting chance” and the old “when guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.” Right, because in the US with our liberal gun laws we never have mass shootings….
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Senator Barbara Boxer says she will retire and not seek re-election in 2016. That stampeding sound you’re about to hear is about 100 politicians in California rushing to congratulate Boxer on her service, at the same time saying why they should have her seat.
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Curt Schilling, who was not elected to the Hall of Fame this year, suggested that it might be because “I know that as a Republican that there’s some people that really don’t like that.” Has someone given this man a post-career test for concussions?
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Just because the season is over, doesn’t mean the fun has stopped for Chicago Bears fans: CB Jennings was arrested for DUI and speeding (99 in a 65 zone) yesterday. At 12noon. On his way to a parent-teacher conference. #cantfixstupid
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Seahawks RB Marshawn Lynch lost his appeal for his $100,000 fine for not speaking to the media. Wonder how much the NFL will fine Lynch for responding “no comment” to the decision.
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J.C.Penney announced they will close 40 stores. J.C.Penney still has stores?
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Former FBI Director Robert Mueller released a report saying there was ” no evidence that anyone at the NFL saw the Ray Rice elevator video before it was made public. So wonder whose luxury box Mueller will be in for the next several Super Bowls?
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Boston beat out San Francisco as the U.S representative amongst bids to host the 2024 Olympic Games. So they have the Olympic bid and Pablo Sandoval. Wonder which one will give Boston buyer’s remorse first?
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Three days after appearing together live on the premiere of this season’s “The Bachelor,”, last season’s “Bachelorette” Andi Dorfman and Josh Murray announced they have ended their engagement. Go$h, what rea$on$ would they have had for $taying together until the fir$t epi$ode?
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Bus, or rather, truck to hell from Alex Kaseberg: “In Michigan, a family of four rear-ended a truck and then their mini-van was dragged by the truck for 16 miles by the oblivious truck driver. On the bright side, their gas mileage for that trip was outstanding.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Charlie Hedbo jokes, hall of fame jokes, Janice Hough, Marshawn Lynch jokes, Mueller report jokes, NFL jokes, terrorist jokes, Trump jokes
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April 23, 2014
Michael Pineda was ejected today when the umpire found pine tar on his neck. Really? Pine tar to pitch against the hitting-challenged Red Sox? That’s worse than stealing a base with a 7 run lead.
Another thought about Pineda. He had to know they were watching him after the alleged pine-tar on the glove earlier this year. And he puts it on his neck?! I don’t know if Jesus wept, but Gaylord Perry certainly did.
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The Chicago Cubs celebrated the 100th anniversary of the first game at Wrigley Field. With a 3-run lead in the 9th, and a 1-run lead with 1 out to go. And they lost, 7-5. Well, at least they honored their legacy appropriately.
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Sammy Sosa was absent from today’s ceremony commemorating the 100th anniversary of Wrigley Field. Supposedly he wasn’t invited. But maybe the Cubs just sent him an invitation in English?
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-From Nick Coombs “Both Wrigley Field and Shakespeare are having their birthdays celebrated today. One crafts tragedies that echo throughout the ages, the other is a playwright.”-
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Men must have kidnapped #SFGiants and put imposters in their uniforms. But don’t call the police, the imposters can hit. #Byebyebaby
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#SF wins 12-10 on a safety over #Denver today This was a 49ers – Broncos game, right? #SFGiants
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Doctors say the Hawaii teen stowaway was probably saved by hypothermia. So why implode it? We could keep SF’s Candlestick Park as a medical facility.
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RIP Connie Marrero, 102, a former pitcher for the Washington Senators, who was the oldest living former MLB player. And one of the first to play with Jamie Moyer.
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The original Joe Paterno statue at Penn State has been torn down, but alums have raised money and hope to install a new statue downtown, which will feature Paterno sitting on a bench reading Virgil’s “Aeneid.” Would it be more appropriate to have the legendary coach with his hands covering his eyes?
(my friend Augie said he should have been reading Dante’s Inferno.)
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This tweet yesterday from Donald Trump: “Interesting how President Obama is flying around in a Boeing 747 on so-called Earth Day!” Even more interesting, this tweet from someone who a) doesn’t believe in climate change, and b) has his own personal 757
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From Garry Weiler, reminding us that the Giants and Red Sox are not the only hitting challenged teams in MLB “the Seattle Mariners have scored 10 fewer runs than the Giants. Last night they had to leave the roof open at Safeco even though the weather was bad because they were afraid if they closed it that it would implode due to the Mariners sucking so badly.”
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Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Connie Marrero, Janice Hough, Michael Pineda jokes, pine-tar jokes, Red Sox jokes, SF Giants jokes, Trump jokes, Yankees jokes
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Left Coast Sports Babe 