Archive for the ‘sports jokes’ category
May 14, 2015
Florida Gov. Rick Scott has signed legislation that allows the sale of “growler” beers, i.e. 64 ounce containers, in the state. “Growlers” are apparently legal already in most other states. Wonder if the hold-up was the worry that Floridians would consider them single-servings? #staggeringyourground
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The Patriots are claiming that the locker room attendant whose texts implicated Brady in Deflategate only called himself “the deflator” because he was trying to lose weight. I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat” better.
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Steelers FB Le’Veon Bell to ESPN on his three-game suspension over marijuana possession and DUI. “I made a mistake,” Bell said. “I’m going to just have to do my time.” Whoa. This guy sounds way too responsible to be in the NFL. #wherestheexcuses?
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Fans who try to order a customized Patriots jersey from NFLshop.com with “DEFLATOR” on the back are receiving an error message: “We are unable to customize this item with the text you have entered. Please try a different entry again.”
Where are the defenders of free speech on this one?
(These jerseys are $294.99 plus tax and shipping. My father points out, They are refusing to do “deflator” for $295? That is a gross violation of their most sacred principles.)
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Missouri House Speaker John Diehl has resigned after texts obtained by the Kansas City Star indicated a sexual relationship between him and a college freshman intern. Well, at least the intern is female. #Whenwilltheyeverlearn #secrettextisanoxymoron
(and of course, Diehl is a married -for now- father of three, virulently anti-gay marriage types, who led the fight to override Missouri Gov. Jay Nixon’s veto of a bill that would allow employers not to cover birth control because of THEIR religious views. )
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Drought math: Apparently it takes about 1,800 gallons of water to produce a pound of beef. only 32 gallons for a glass of wine. And 17 gallons for an average shower. So if Californians can just eat a little less and drink a little more, we can all be happier and cleaner.
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George Zimmerman now apparently is thinking of leaving Florida because he gets “trouble” there. Okay, who wants to volunteer here? South Carolina? Arizona, Texas…?
At the time of writing this, the Padres are in a RAIN delay in San Diego. Wonder how long it took the grounds crew to find the tarp? #whatisthiswaterfallingfromthesky? #wehaveatarp?
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Apparently the engineer of the Amtrak train that derailed was going 106 MPH when he should have been going 50 MPH. Why weren’t there safeguards in place? Why wasn’t there a second engineer maybe to tell him to slow down? Budget cuts.
But Congress is on it. Today the House voted to cut another $252 million from the Amtrak budget.
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Just thinking, so if PTC (Positive Train Control) is too expensive for now…. how much would it cost to have an assistant engineer also in the Amtrak engine? #alotcheaperthananaccident
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So former NFL QB A.J. Feeley says Brady and the Patriots have been cheating with the footballs for years. Well, first, New England says they didn’t do it this time, and second, if they had of course it was just a one-time impulse that they had never tried before….. #howcanyoudoubtSaintBrady?
Nick Saban on the new college football playoff system, said it was “great to be a part” of it. But he also thought “by having a playoff we would minimize the interest in other bowl games, which I think is sort of what happened and I hate to see that for college football.” Uh, does Saban think most people EVER cared about 90% of the other bowl games?
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After Paul Pierce hit a 3 pointer with 8.3 seconds left in the Wizards-Hawks games for the lead he looked at the Atlanta bench and called “Series.” Because it would have taken too long to say “Mission Accomplished?”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Brady jokes, Bush jokes, deflator jokes, delflator, Florida jokes, Janice Hough, John Diehl jokes, NFL jokes, Patriots jokes, wine jokes, Wizards jokes
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May 13, 2015
A new Johns Hopkins University of Medicine study found that new stronger strains of marijuana could cause people exposed to second-hand smoke to test positive for pot drug in a urine analysis. Was this study sponsored by the NFL Players Association?
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Corey Kluber, 113 pitches, 8 inning one-hit shutout, 18 strikeouts! And Indians took him out of game. #oldschoolpitchersareweeping
But hey, it’s about pitch counts now. And we all know pitch counts make a big difference in pitchers’ health, because so few young players are getting injured these days and/or needing surgery…. Oops, never mind.
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Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, in support of Roger Goodell and his Deflategate decision: “I think he’s doing a great job, and I’m a big supporter of his. … I know one of his best qualities is fairness.” Translation. Either Romo likes hard footballs, or Jones knows he handles his balls himself.
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Former FSU coach Bobby Bowden, 85, on Jameis Winston “I think it’s a consensus amongst Florida State fans and boosters that he was an embarrassment in a lot of ways to the university.” Sigh, Bowden was a great coach. But memory is one of the first things to go. #FreeShoesUniversity
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A couple who was convicted of “lewd and lascivious exhibition” for having sex on a crowded beach with children around not only faces jail time, they must register as sex offenders. Right, because their display was almost as bad as what many American children see every night on television?
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The Arizona attorney general’s office has filed charges against a woman who in 2010 faked having cancer to get an abortion. Agree that it was wrong. But imagine what kind of mother she would have made.
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Searchers looking for Malaysia Airlines flight 370 in the Indiana Ocean have discovered a 19th century shipwreck. Stand by for the CNN special talking about if it’s a cruise ship.
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A small detail that got lost in last night’s SF Giants 8-1 win over the Astros. Nori Aoki was originally called safe at first, but the call was overturned quickly after a video review. The first base umpire? Jim Joyce. #Fiveyearstoolate #ArmandoGalarraga
In Wisconsin, the state assembly passed bills mandating drug tests for welfare recipients, and requiring that monthly stipends be used for healthy foods. Okay, fine, can we also drug test Wisconsin assembly members, and require them to use their $88 a DAY living expenses on healthy food too?
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So American Idol has been cancelled in part because of what some call WGWG (“White guys with guitars) syndrome. Where the winners are cute WGWG’s who may win votes from mostly young female viewers, but never amount to anything. And what do they do for their penultimate final? Send the girl rocker home in favor of two WGWGs
Why people who aren’t in the travel industry shouldn’t write travel articles: A SF Chronicle story from Business Insider on the “best Hawaiian islands for every type of traveler” says “Best for honeymooners – Lanai” – …” “a perfect destination for honeymooners who are seeking privacy and seclusion. Since the island’s two Four Seasons Resorts are currently closed to the public for renovations, visitors can enjoy more seclusion and fewer tourists.
Uh, yes, since the ONLY two major hotels on the island are closed, and the ONLY hotel open is the funky Hotel Lanai with 11 rooms, there’s plenty of seclusion…..
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: American Idol jokes, CNN jokes, deflategate jokes, FSU jokes, Jameis Winston jokes, Janice Hough, marijuana jokes
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May 12, 2015
Dennis Norfleet, Michigan’s all-time leader in kick returns and kick return yards has been dismissed from the program over a disciplinary issue with new coach Jim Harbaugh. Shall we start a pool with which SEC team Norfleet will end up?
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Jim Harbaugh and Michigan have self-reported four minor violations to the NCAA. One of them, that he sent an autographed helmet and jersey to a high school auction benefiting a scholarship fund. (Which apparently Jim didn’t know was illegal.) Really good to see that the NCAA is focused on the important things.
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Verizon is buying AOL. In hopes that finally two wrongs do make a right?
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So apparently in yesterday’s apparent road rage incident involving George Zimmerman, both Zimmerman and the man who allegedly shot him -resulting in minor injuries -had guns with them at the time. And Darwin is thinking “Missed a two-fer by THAT much”
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Tom Brady’s agent has accused Ted Wells of running a biased “sting” investigation on “Deflategate”, and Wells has fired back defending himself and the report. I’m wondering how long until one of the fired Patriots’ employees decides to supplement his severance pay with a book deal…..#whenyoureinaholestopdigging?
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Today President Obama’s Tuesday fast-track trade deal was stalled in the Senate….by Democrats. And over at Fox News heads are exploding. #dowehavetopickaside?
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Just got a pre-sale notice for the Radio City Music Hall Christmas Spectacular. So is it time for stores to start decorating?
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The U.K. Daily Mail is reporting that the real reason Lindsey Vonn and Tiger Woods split up is that she found out he cheated on her. “I can’t believe Tiger would do that” said nobody.
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A woman gave birth on an AIr Canada flight to Japan, and said she hadn’t even known she was pregnant. Another graduate of “Abstinence only” education?
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Donald Trump has apparently TRADEMARKED the slogan “Make America Great Again” for his Presidential campaign. Is he trying to top “Mission Accomplished?”
Per Duane Kuiper, #SFGiants are hitting 5 for 26 with the bases loaded in 2015. Matt #Duffy with the bases loaded is 3 for 4. #McGehee who?
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The SF Giants have a much maligned farm system. But starting today. Pitcher Chris Heston, catcher Buster Posey, first baseman Brandon Belt, second baseman Joe Panik, shortshop Brandon Crawford, and third baseball Matt Duffy. Every single one of them home-grown talent.
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MLB has tightened security for its game balls after Deflategate. Angels pitcher C.J. Wilson commented “Obviously, there’s not as much that you can do to baseballs. I mean, you can’t change the density of the baseball at any point — unless you dunk them in water. Then they’re going to be 9 ounces, and everyone’s going to blow their arms out.” Hmm. wonder how he knew that?
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Lindsay Lohan, who still has more than half of her 250 mandated community service hours to go from a 2013 reckless driving conviction, apparently missed her first day Tuesday at a Brooklyn preschool. This could really put her in jeopardy with Hollywood’s “37 strikes and you’re out” policy.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: deflategate jokes, George Zimmerman jokes, Harbaugh jokes, Janice Hough, NCAA jokes, SF Giants jokes, Tiger jokes, Tom Brady jokes, Trump jokes
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May 6, 2015
The NFL Wells report has found that it is “probable” that Patriots personnel deliberately deflated balls against the Colts, and that quarterback Tom Brady was “generally aware” of what was happening. So how long until Roger Goddell penalizes the Saints?
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Patriots owner Bob Kraft in January, proclaiming his team’s innocence. “Tom, Bill and I have been together for 15 years. They are my guys. They are part of my family, and Bill, Tom and I have had many difficult discussions over the years, and I have never known them to lie to me.”
Right, because family members NEVER lie to you. Paging Hillary Clinton
Patriots owner Robert Kraft condemned the Wells report on “Deflate-gate” saying the incriminatory findings were ‘incomprehensible’ and based on ‘circumstantial evidence’ rather than science. Uh, apparently no one has explained to Kraft about this texting thing?
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Texas state Rep. David Simpson, a Republican, has proposed a bill to legalize marijuana in the state, and it was approved by a House committee. But this line from his March op-ed is the best – “I don’t believe that when God made marijuana he made a mistake that government needs to fix,” but it should be “regulated like tomatoes, jalapenos or coffee.” Jalapenos? #GodBlessTexas
In Crane County,, Texas, apparently 20 students, out of only 300 at the high school, have chlamydia. The school’s only sex-program is “”Worth the Wait’ Abstinence Plus.” And the district superintendent, Jim Rumage says “If kids are not having any sexual activity, they can’t get this disease.” Is it too early for nominations for the 2015 “Captain Obvious” award? #cantfixstupid #cantstophormoneseither
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Cowboys’ draftee Randy Gregory, who admitted regular marijuana smoking in college, and failed a drug test at the NFL combine, said on Dallas radio “I don’t think it’s a weed problem. I think it’s decision making. I think I’m immature.”
Of course, if he were REALLY immature, he wouldn’t have enough self-awareness to make that statement?
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Marshall University RB Steward Butler was arrested in West Virginia for allegedly beating two gay men just after he saw them kiss in public last month. So he thought they should be doing something more natural like kissing their sisters?
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Isiah Thomas was fired as the Knicks coach in 2007 after a jury ruled that he had sexually harassed a female former team executive and then improperly fired her for complaining. Now Thomas has a new job: Knicks owner James Dolan hired him as president of the Liberty, New York’s WNBA team. #whatcouldpossiblygowrong #cantfixstupid
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In Naples, Florida, a woman whose ex told her she was “drinking too much” was arrested for allegedly smashing his car with a BBQ grill, and then breaking a broom over his back. If only she had been armed
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The Orlando Eye, just opened Monday. At 400 feet tall it is the tallest Ferris wheel on the U.S. East Coast . Heck, at 400 feet tall it might be the tallest thing, including hills, in Florida.
It’s Thursday morning and no GOP candidate has announced yet for President in more than 24 hours. Come on now., the clown car is idling and wasting gas..
Not the Onion. Kendall and Kylie Jenner are actually trying to trademark their first names for “entertainment in the nature of providing information by means of a global computer network in the fields of entertainment, fashion and pop culture.”
Not sure about whatever that means, but would they settle for “Kardashian” being a listed synonym for “self-absorbed” in the dictionary?
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Tiger Woods says he hasn’t slept since his breakup with Lindsey Vonn. Because he’s been “up” all night?
From Marc Ragovin. “Tiger Woods said that he hasn’t slept since Lindsey Vonn broke up with him. Correction: He meant to say he hasn’t slept with another woman since Lindsey Vonn broke up with him.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Bob Kraft, Brady jokes, cheating jokes, Deflate-gate jokes, Deflategate joke, Florida jokes, Janice Hough, Kardashian jokes, Patriots jokes, Texas jokes, Tiger Woods jokes
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April 30, 2015
England is all abuzz waiting for William and Kate’s second baby, which may be overdue. Americans don’t get why Brits care so much about a Royal Family. As opposed to more important things like whether Hillary can beat Jeb?
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Marcus Mariota watched the NFL draft from his home in Hawaii instead of going to Chicago. Wonder how many will criticize the decision and say the QB at least should have been watching from somewhere in the U.S.
For their 1st round pick in the NFL draft, the Denver Broncos drafted DE Shane Ray, who is already enrolled in the league’s substance abuse program after being cited this week for marijuana. Well, not sure if Ray will be a starter this year, but he’s already well on his way to some potential endorsement deals in Colorado.
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Stanford’s OT #AndrusPeat to the #Saints. Talented AND smart. Somewhere #DrewBrees is smiling.
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Have to wonder with NFL draft starting Thursday night, now agents have locked their clients in a room since say, Monday, to make sure they didn’t get in trouble?
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#JameisWinston #1 to #TampaBay in the #NFLDraft. Makes sense, at least Winston already has good relations with Florida cops.
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And so now as we head to round two of the #NFLDraft, many questions remain. Such as, “which QB will the #NYJets make a mistake with this year?”
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The Oakland As are not off to a great start this year. If the team doesn’t look out they won’t have anyone to trade away at the deadline.
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So Billy Donovan is leaving Florida for the Oklahoma City Thunder. Makes sense, these days being in the NBA gives you more years to coach college-age players.
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Judith Miller on “The Daily Show,” defending her stories about WMD’s in Iraq. “Everyone got it wrong.” Uh, not exactly “everyone.” #whatstoopainfultoremember
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The Kentucky Derby favorite is “American Pharoah” Wonder how many Americans think that is yet another nickname for Obama.
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Meanwhile, Gary Stevens, 52, will ride “Firing Line.” So will Stevens’ game plan be to scream at the other jockeys “You punks get off my racetrack”?
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A 45 year-old-man escaped with only minor injuries when he was pulling up his pants in a Chick-fil-A bathroom and accidentally shot his own leg with his Glock pistol. This happened in Hamilton, Ohio. Okay, Florida, catch up.
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Blake Lively, quoted in UK magazine “Stylist” “I have a dream to go to Harvard Business School, and one of these days I will do that… in my spare time.” Uh, so is Blake angling for a movie contract – “Corporately Blonde?
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In Oklahoma, during a debate about giving state supreme court justices a raise, Rep. Kevin Calvey argued that the court was not sufficiently anti-abortion, and stated “If I were not a Christian, and didn’t have a prohibition against suicide, I’d walk across the street and douse myself in gasoline and set myself on fire. To protest the evil that is going on over there, killing, giving the death penalty, to the will of the people and the will of this body and protecting the least among us.”
Well, in the name of consistency I say it’s his body and Calvey should be able to do what he wants with it. #anybodygotamatch?
From T.C. “Seahawks QB Russell Wilson upgraded a US Army passenger on an Alaska Airlines flight to 1st Class from Economy. Best part of this story was that he “handed” the serviceman the ticket.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: draft jokes, Florida jokes, Kentucky Derby jokes, Mariota jokes, NFL draft jokes, NFL jokes
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April 28, 2015
Due to the riots in Baltimore, tomorrow’s White Sox-Orioles game is closed to the public. So players on both teams will get a chance to see what it felt like to play in Montreal’s Olympic Stadium.
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Hoping things calm down in Baltimore as much as anyone. But anyone but me think it’s a bit ironic that Ray Lewis has a video message out “Get off the streets. Violence is not the answer”?
So Donald Trump is back to attacking Obama, tweeting ‘Our great African American President hasn’t exactly had a positive impact on the thugs who are so happily and openly destroying Baltimore!’ And asking if “US taxpayers are expected to rebuilt it (the city) again?”
Funny that I don’t seem to remember the Donald’s similar outrage when U.S. taxpayers were expected to bail out the banks and Wall Street.
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As much of a mess as things are in Baltimore, Maryland does have some very strict gun laws. Wonder how Americans would feel if many of those rioters were armed?
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Why should men have all the fun? #Cantfixstupid, female division. A California woman was arrested at her home less than half an hour after allegedly burglarizing a house in Palo Alto. Police were able to track her so quickly because she dropped her driver’s license during the burglary.
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A YouTube user “TechRax” tested Apple’s new “Watch Sport” by dropping it from a height of about 3 1/2 feet. When it landed face-down the watch screen shattered. So Apple engineers are too young to remember the goal of “Takes a licking and keeps on ticking.”?
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So for those people who want to get rid of “Hack-a-Shaq” because it’s not entertaining to watch, how do they feel about the intentional walk? Although if we really want to talk about breaking up the pace of games, how about TV time outs?
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Corporate logic, grocery store division. A local Safeway is under-performing expectations so has few cashiers available at any given time. One reason people I know don’t go to the store – the check-out lines are too long.
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Say it ain’t so. Suzanne Crough, 52, aka Tracy Partridge has passed away. It’s bad enough when the people you grew up watching on T.V. die. It’s worse when they are younger than you are.
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Google’s head of human resources says the company’s oldest employee is “over 80.” Ah, he must be the one who helped design the driver-less car seen around campus with its left blinker on.
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I was semi-joking about the DH and the SF Giants’ Madison Bumgarner, who likes to hit, yesterday. Today Madbum backs me up – and he’s serious. “I guarantee you. Some of the things you’re seeing in the American League wouldn’t happen if pitchers had to hit. They’d be a whole lot more polite.”
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Bernie Sanders is running for President. And now Jon Stewart might be REALLY reconsidering retirement. #Letthefunbegin!
Budweiser says it is removing a new slogan label on Bud Light that says “The perfect beer for removing ‘no’ from your vocabulary for the night.” Okay, the real question here is not who decided to remove the slogan, but who was idiotic enough to approve it in the first place? #justsayno
The Rockets won their first playoff series since 2009. The Astros are in first place. Are we sure we’re not seeing signs of the apocalypse? #Houstonwehaveaproblem?
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#Spurs win a close one at 1am #SanAntonio time. At that time of night most men their players’ age only get up to use the toilet. #SAvsLA
From Bill Littlejohn: “The NFL is giving up its tax-exempt status.I supposed with all of the scandals coming to light, it can no later be classified as a religion”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, Apple Watch jokes, Baltimore jokes, Budweiser jokes, Janice Hough, Ray Lewis jokes, Spurs jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
April 20, 2015
Say what? The NY Post reports that NYC Mayor Bill De Blasio’s hopes that a “draft de Blasio’’ movement will result in his beating Hillary in the primaries like “George McGovern successfully challenged the initially front-running establishment candidate, Edmund Muskie, more than 40 years ago” And we all know how well that worked out for the Democrats.
Today is 4-20. Let’s hope protesters in favor of marijuana legalization remember to show up before 4-21.
Jon Stewart told the UK Guardian that he is leaving The Daily Show because he was becoming increasing depressed by US politics and cable news. Which alas is how many Americans feel about coping with current events without him.
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Both the Oakland and Kansas City benches emptied for the third straight day during today’s game and five Royals were ejected after Kelvin Herrera threw a 100 mph fastball behind Brett Lawrie. Almost a shame the two teams don’t meet again until late June. – some say baseball doesn’t get high TV ratings because it’s not a contact sport.
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Tim Tebow is joining the Philadelphia Eagles. Meaning it will be a close competition between him, Matt Barkley and Mark Sanchez for the QB most likely to have Philly fans scream “Jesus Christ.”
Marco Rubio today “I also don’t believe that your sexual preferences are a choice for the vast and enormous majority of people. In fact, the bottom line is I believe sexual preference is something that people are born with.”
Is the Florida Senator saying he has conceded the bat sh*t crazy vote?
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Donald Trump apparently retweeted (then deleted) a tweet saying “If Hillary Clinton can’t satisfy her husband, what makes her think she can satisfy America. Thinking if Donald Trump can’t make TWO marriages work what makes him think he can deal with tough international relations.
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A new book says that Ronald Reagan believed in extra-terrestrial life and in 1985 told Mikhail Gorbachev at a peace summit that “he was sure the two superpowers would co-operate if Earth was threatened by alien invasion.” Don’t laugh too fast… alien invasion might explain some of the candidates we have running for President.
(My friend Suzanne G. says I have now disrespected aliens.)
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A British study found that drivers who were dehydrated (drinking 25 ml -less than an ounce of water) an hour, made as many mistakes as drivers who were over the DUI limit. Of course, imagine that drivers who drink a LOT of water are more likely to speed to get to a restroom.
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Texas Rangers GM Jon Daniels says he’d like to give Russell Wilson a shot but . “Obviously, he’s got a pretty good thing going on with the Seahawks, and we’re not going to get in the way of that.” Translation, Wilson’s a decent baseball player but he’s not THAT good.
(Alex B. says “Wilson was going to give baseball a go, but Pete Carroll told him to pass.”
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Apparently the Lily Pulitzer collection for Target caused a shopping frenzy Sunday morning online and at Target stores. And if you have any idea what that means you probably don’t have a Y chromosome.
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: 2016 Presidental election jokes, 4 20 jokes, De Blasio jokes, Janice Hough, Jon Stewart jokes, marijuana jokes, Rubio joke, Tebow jokes, Trump jokes
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April 11, 2015
Eight errors for New York so far in five games. Time to refer to them as the YankEEEEEs?
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So the Red Sox and Yankees, after 19 innings Friday night, had the early game Saturday night for national television. Wonder how many people on the the East Coast went to bed, woke up and thought “My gawd, they’re STILL playing.”
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That 19 innings for the Red Sox and Yankees Friday lasted seven hours and five minutes, including a 16 minute power outage delay. And somewhere George Steinbrenner is thinking “Seven hours? Why I hired and fired Billy Martin fast than that.”
The NY Yankees are trying to void $6 million contract bonuses for A-Rod for each person he passes on the all-time home run list, saying they are no longer “milestones”, and they are prepared to go to arbitration over it. This could end up better than “The War of the Roses.”
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Forget about hearts in San Francisco. The 2015 Giants appear to have left their bats in Arizona.
So the Atlanta Braves put a punctuation mark on their rebuilding year by trading All-Star closer Craig Kimbrel before the season even started. And they are now, 5-0?! #Itsafunnygame
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Okay, so #Madbum is 1-1 with a 5.40 ERA. #Kershaw is 0-1 with a 5.84 ERA. #Giants #Dodgers #Miserylovescompany
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Providence beats BU 4-3 in the #FrozenFour final. But who but me hears “Frozen Four” and thinks of the last #SFGiants fans left during most late weeknight games at Candlestick.
And wonder how many parents hear “Frozen Four” and think ‘Dear Gawd, not MORE sequels.”
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Tiger Woods may or may not ever get back to the top of the golf world, and he may still have the biggest galleries. But Woods will never be as beloved as Phil Mickelson.
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Tiger Woods teaching his children not to swear would be kind of like Madonna trying to teach her children to dress appropriately.
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The Yankees are now 1-4. Of course, it’s early times, but how long until New Yorkers start looking forward to the Jets season?
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Why should the Yankees get all the headlines? – MLB announced that Mets closer Jenrry Mejia has been suspended 80 games after testing positive for stanozolol.
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Mets closer Mejia “I know the rules are the rules and I will accept my punishment, but I can honestly say I have no idea how a banned substance ended up in my system.” Got to be tempting for MLB to offer a 50% reduction in suspension to the first guy who says “I admit it, I blew it, they caught me.”
From Marc Ragovin – “Reuben Flores of the NY Mets is the very definition of a shortstop. He stops the ball and all of his throws come up short.:
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From Gary Bachman; “There’s a campaign to put a woman on the twenty dollar bill. And ‘In God We Trust’ will be replaced by “You Go Girl.'”
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For those at FOX who want to get a jump on head explosions in advance of Hillary’s announcement tomorrow: “In my opinion, President Obama is an honest man.” Raul Castro.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Frozen Four jokes, Giants jokes, Janice Hough, Masters jokes, Mejia jokes, Mets jokes, Red Sox jokes, Tiger Woods jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
April 7, 2015
Oops. The NCAA’s supervisor of officials admitted today that the officials who gave possession to Duke after a late out-of-bounds play, didn’t have all the angles that CBS had. Although the TV replay showed the Blue Devils’ Winslow touching the ball with his fingertips. But to be fair, with amateur sports it’s not like the NCAA really has the money to do it right.
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If we’re going to have legalized discrimination, can some state become a pioneer in saying businesses do not have to serve stupid people? Because #cantfixstupid
Mitt Romney finished in the the top 1% of contestants in the ESPN NCAA tournament challenge, having Duke and Wisconsin and Duke winning it all. President Obama was in the 40th percentile. Of course, had Obama done as well as Romney the GOP would accuse him of having neglected his duties to focus on basketball.
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Kentucky coach John Calipari says he expects “five to seven players” to declare for the NBA draft. It’s a scary choice for these young men. But since returnees must be academically eligible, they’ll have to figure out how to find the classrooms.
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From Marty Robinson: “In Monday night’s NCAA championship game, Duke rallied to beat Wisconsin, earning their 5th title in the Coach K era. “Wonderful” said absolutely nobody outside of Durham.”
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Last night’s Miami Marlins opener was delayed 16 minutes by rain in the second inning, because the roof operators couldn’t get the roof closed fast enough. If only their supervisor had been armed.
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As pictures of all of these plastic cups full of something that isn’t beer circulate after Opening Night for the Cubs at Wrigley Field, here’s a tip for other teams: If you are doing a major renovation on your stadium, do the bathrooms first.
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Norwegian Cruise Line has an “enhanced” room service menu on some of their ships. And those menus will include a “convenience charge” of up to $7.95 per order. “Convenience charge?”! And many airlines are thinking, why didn’t we think of that?
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Mercedes Benz is coming out with a pickup truck. The perfect vehicle for all those cowboy politicians who still want to pretend they can relate to the “common man.”
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LeGarrette Blount, suspended 3 times at Oregon, and arrested last year for marijuana possession has now been suspended without pay for the 1st game of the 2015 season for a “violation of the league’s substance abuse policy.” This is clearly part of football’s strict “10 strikes and you’re out” policy.
An unnamed NBC source told Vanity Fair that Brian Williams “could not say the words ‘I lied.’ …He couldn’t explain what had happened. Asking ‘Did something happen to [my] head? Maybe I had a brain tumor, or something in my head?'”
Sounds increasingly clear that Williams was in the wrong business, He sounds less like a newsman than a politician.
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Despite a perhaps less than stellar record, Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel has won re-election. Should we be surprised? The town’s residents have a long history of supporting the “devil you know.” I mean, how many people have given up being Cubs fans?
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Lots of headlines about Derick and Jill Dillard (neé Duggar, of “19 Kids and Counting” having their first baby last night…. And thinking, as popular as this show is in some circles, wonder what the reaction would be if they were African-American?
Don McLean’s ‘American Pie’ manuscript sold for $1.2 million, Now, “American Pie” is iconic enough that even the younger generation knows the song. But many of them are wondering “What’s a manuscript?”
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A white police officer has been arrested and charged with murder after a video showed him repeatedly shooting and killing a 50 year old black man who was running away. Well, this might get some changes made. Wonder how many states will outlaw cellphone videos?
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The scariest thing about #WalterScott video is wondering how many of these shootings have happened where there is no cellphone video.
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Rand Paul is the latest to declare for 2016. While Paul has many interesting libertarian policies, he’s also come up with gems like this, opposing mandatory vaccination because of “many tragic cases of walking, talking normal children who wound up with profound mental disorders after vaccines.” Sigh #Cantfixstupid Even with medical school degrees.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: American Pie jokes, Chicago jokes, Cubs jokes, Don Mclean, Duggar jokes, Duke jokes, Janice Hough, NCAA jokes, Rand Paul jokes, Wisconsin jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
April 1, 2015
Governor Jerry Brown has called for 25% percent mandatory water use reduction in California. So okay, it’s now our civic responsibility to drink wine!
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Don’t THINK this is an April Fool’s. Barbara Walters apparently wants Monica Lewinsky to join “The View.” Where no doubt besides doing interviews Monica will have a forum for telling America that she just wants to be left alone.
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So Kentucky is heading towards a potential 40-0 season. Greatest basketball team of all time? Or more like the greatest crop of high school recruits making a pit stop on the way to the NBA?
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All this excitement from millennials over the new Apple watch. What’s the next new thing going to be – the Apple calculator?
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A woman was arrested at San Jose International Airport after a UPS employee saw her walking inside a fence, the 5th such security breach at the airport in a year. It’s apparently easier to get over a fence at San Jose than to get a bottle of water past TSA.
Gary Dahl, 78. the inventor of the Pet Rock has died. And if you think “the what?” guessing you are not a baby boomer.
Now that Pet Rocks are back in the news suppose it’s only a matter of time until PETA posthumously vilifies Gary Dahl for not respecting the rights of rocks.
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Senator Bob Menendez of New Jersey has been indicted on Federal Corruption charges. Your move, Illinois.
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McDonald’s announced they are raising working pay at all their company-owned U.S. restaurants. So that their employees can now afford to eat somewhere besides McDonald’s?
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Seahawks LB Bruce Irvin sent out a tweet this morning that he’d been arrested for a DUI, then 30 minutes later said it was an April Fool’s joke. Hmm, how drunk did he have to think it would be funny to make that joke?
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Now the Republican-lead House the Arkansas has passed a “Religious Freedom Restoration Act” of its own. And Wal-Mart immediately issued a statement saying it threatened to undermine “the spirit of inclusion” in the state and “does not reflect the values we proudly uphold.”
Again, impressive. Who knew you could get WAL-MART on the moral high ground?
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Anyone but me think at first that #Walmart coming out in support of gay rights was an #AprilFools joke? #thetimestheyareachangin
From Marc Ragovin “The NY Mets announced today that injured second baseman Daniel Murphy, who recently said he would be uncomfortable with a gay teammate, will need to undergo a rehab assignment before he can come off the disabled list. And word is he’s insisting on going to Indiana.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: California jokes, drought jokes, Indiana jokes, Janice Hough, McDonalds jokes, Pet Rocks
Comments: 2 Comments
March 23, 2015
Ted Cruz kicked off his campaign with an “Imagine” theme speech, channeling John Lennon, asking students at Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University to “imagine a president repealing every word of Obamacare, imagine a president who finally secures the borders, imagine a president who stands unapologetically with the nation of Israel.’
Guess Cruz forgot about that second verse “Imagine there’s no countries. It isn’t hard to do. Nothing to kill or die for. And no religion too….” #cantfixstupid
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First Donald Trump, now Ted Cruz has joined the 2016 Republican Presidential race. Ironically, the year Ringling Brothers’ circus says they are getting rid of elephants, the elephant party is really getting into the circus business. #clowncar
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Ted Cruz talks about “securing the borders.” You think it might have occurred to him to secure his own domain name. (www.tedcruz.com)
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When you’ve had your giggles checking out tedcruz.com, head on over to tedcruzforamerica.com (Hint to Ted, if you have aspirations of being a leader in the 21st century, might be a good thing to read up on the this internet thing.)
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Let the furry thing on his head fly: When asked about Ted Cruz, Donald Trump said Cruz’s birth certificate “is a hurdle; somebody could certainly look at it very seriously. He was born in Canada. If you know and when we all studied our history lessons, you are supposed to be born in this country, so I just don’t know how the courts will rule on this.”
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The NFL has announced that they will try a one-year suspension of the league blackout policy. Bad news for fans in Tampa. They now have no excuse not to watch the Bucs.
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Bloomsburg University dismissed Joey Casselberry from the baseball team for sending an offensive tweet about Mo’ne Davis, But today on Sportscenter,, Mo’ne said today that he should be reinstated. “Everyone makes mistakes, and everyone deserves a second chance…. I know right now he’s really hurt, and I know how hard he worked just to get to where he is right now.”
Okay, if there wasn’t anyone already rooting for her to make it big….
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New 49ers coach Jim Tomsula to NFL Network about Colin Kaepernick “Statistically and all that kind of stuff, people throw those out there — Colin had his best year, okay?” Hmm, is it time for the league to start checking coaches for concussions?
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Two weeks ago, the SF 49ers signed WR Jerome Simpson, who the Vikings released after multiple arrests. Now they are talking to LB Erin Henderson, who was also released by Minnesota after 2 arrests including a DUI. Well, the 49ers may not make the playoffs, but they could be early favorites for a remake of “The Longest Yard.”
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A judge decided that Robert Durst is a flight risk and denied him bail. This after the FBI found him registered under an assumed name in a New Orleans hotel, with a passport, birth certificate, fake Texas ID, stacks of $100 bills, a gun, bags of marijuana and a latex mask with fake hair… So what was the judge’s first clue?
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All this controversy over the 25th anniversary of “Pretty Woman,” and whether it is sexist, or PC, or whatever. Can we just say, it’s a fun movie, period? And the greatest shopping scene EVER: “Big mistake. Huge.”
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Tonight the Golden State Warriors are celebrating the 40th anniversary of their only NBA championship team. 40 years!? Or as Cubs fans say, “Only yesterday.”
Patriots owner Robert Kraft said today “I know that there is no smoking gun” that could prove the Super Bowl champions guilty in of deflating footballs. Does that also mean “and if there was such a gun, it’s been buried with Jimmy Hoffa?”
From Marc Ragovin “John McCain said that Obama should “get over” the Israeli election. Sure. Just as soon as he gets over the ’08 election.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: #clowncar #cantfixstupid, 49ers jokes, Donald Trump jokes, GOP jokes, Janice Hough, mo'ne davis jokes, NFL jokes, Robert Durst jokes, Ted Cruz jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
March 18, 2015
Wonder what the once-again revamped Oakland As with all their new players will choose for their 2015 slogan. Think the NCAA may have already trademarked “One-and-done.”
Syracuse has announced men’s basketball coach Jim Boeheim will retire in three years. Interesting. Does this mean the Orangemen will make a “whatever it takes” push for the tournament in 2018, and then Boeheim will leave before they have to vacate the wins?
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President Obama picked undefeated Kentucky to win the NCAA men’s basketball tournament. Out of habit many in the GOP were about to disagree with him then stopped thinking “We’re crazy but we’re not THAT stupid.”
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#ESPN headline: “President Obama: Cats wear crown.” Narrows it down to about six teams. #Kentucky #Villanova #Arizona etc. #MarchMadness
SMU coach Larry Brown said today the thought Kentucky would make the NBA playoffs in the East. And John Calipari no doubt is thinking, “That’s absurd. Make the playoffs?! We should be at least a 4 seed in the East? ”
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Starbucks says it will start a delivery service in some parts of New York City later this year. For all those customers who can’t cross the street to get to the nearest branch?
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Baltimore RB Bernard Pierce has become the third Raven arrested this off-season, in his case for DUI. Looking good for all those who bet the “over.”
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Dallas has signed DE Greg Hardy to a one-year deal, although Hardy is still waiting for the NFL’s decision on a possible suspension for violating the league’s domestic conduct policy. Guess the Cowboys’ hating season is starting early this year.
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Donald Trump has formed a Presidential Exploratory Committee for 2016 saying “I am the only one who can make America truly great again!” Make America “truly great?” Trump can’t even do a great job with that furry thing that lives on his head.
From Alex Kaseberg ” the NCAA men’s college basketball tournament are set. The general consensus is Kentucky will win unless, in the last two minutes of the championship game, they are coached by Pete Carroll.
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The body of a man who was seen falling off the Carnival Triumph on Tuesday, the last night of a 5-day cruise, was found this morning. On the bright side, at least he didn’t have to pay his St. Patrick’s Day bar bill.
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T.J. Maxx has pulled a T-shirt from its stores when a customer in Florida complained. The shirt featured the phrase “Hang Loose,” along with a noose. The question here isn’t why they pulled the shirt, but who was stupid enough to try to sell it in the first place?
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Louisiana Rep. John Fleming just said Obama’s executive action on immigration is part of a “grand plan” to fix elections.
Because undocumented immigrants will have driver’s licenses, and in “many states, the only thing that are (sic) required to vote is simply an ID, well they’ll have one….. this is a part of a grand plan for the Democrat Party to make this nation into a single party state, as they have already accomplished in California, and you see the devastating impact it’s having there.”
#cantfixstupid, on so many levels.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: #cantfixstupid, basketball jokes, Dallas jokes, Janice Hough, Kentucky jokes, March madness jokes, Starbucks jokes, Trump jokes
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March 17, 2015
Hampton beat Manhattan Tuesday night in the “First Four” to get into the NCAA men’s basketball tournament. Where they will play Kentucky. Sort of like winning a competition between two Christians to meet the lions.
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Stanford beat UC Davis in tonight’s first round of the NIT. And yeah, it’s not exactly a great accomplishment. But but it’s a heck of a lot better than losing in the first round of the NIT. Or losing to UC Davis, anytime. (As former Stanford football coach Walt Harris would tell you – 20-17 in 2005)
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Pete Rose has submitted a new request to be reinstated to baseball. Rose is optimistic this time, figuring his odds are 2 to 1.
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After #ChrisBorland leaving the SF 49ers, who’s next? Presumably some player who’s afraid of drowning inside the sinking ship?
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Chris Borland, 24, is ending his NFL career because of worries about brain damage. Why so young? Maybe only young players still have brains working well enough to think about it.
The Kappa Delta Rho frat at Penn State fraternity has been suspended over allegedly having a “secret Facebook page showing mostly nude women who were ‘sleeping or passed out.'” Wonder how many people at the University are thinking “Thank God they were at least adult women”?
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Passengers on a United flight from Dulles tackled and subdued a possibly drunk or drugged man who was rushing the cockpit soon after takeoff last night. United may or may not reward the passengers, but the Washington Redskins are interested in talking to the men for a tryout on defense.
The Secret Service said a letter mailed to the White House tested “presumptive positive” for cyanide. What was the first clue that made them suspicious? That someone actually mailed a real paper letter to the White House?
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Toronto Blue Jays OF Kevin Pillar apparently injured his oblique while sneezing last weekend. The SF Giants just ordered Jeremy Affeldt to start taking preventive Benadryl.
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Kanye West tweeted nude pictures of Kim Kardashian when she reached 30 million Twitter followers. With all due respect are there any of those 30 million who haven’t already seen her naked?
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Ryanair says their long range plans include transatlantic flights, with fares as low as1 10 pounds. (about $15 USD.) Of course the fees for boarding passes, carry-on bags, checked bags, credit card usage, oxygen masks, seat belts, seat cushions and lavatories etc will push the ticket price up several hundred dollars.
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#StPatricksDay toast: May your troubles last as long as your perfect brackets. #HappyStPatricksDay
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So St. Patrick’s Day in America has become green beer day. Lading to March 18 being “green after too much beer day.”
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House Republicans have introduced another budget with massive spending cuts and yet another proposed repeal of Obamacare. If they really want to make their point, why don’t GOP members in the House offer to give up their own expensive healthcare and shop for alternatives on the open market?
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Illinois Rep. Aaron Schock is resigning his seat over allegations of improper spending, including real estate deals, and using congressional money to redecorate his office in “Downton Abbey” style. Buzzfeed had just reported he also spent $5,000 for a portable podium that looks like the current presidential podium. So clearly this is Obama’s fault.
(My friend Richard Rothschild says “Yet another example of why Illinois consistently is the No. 1 Midwest seed in the National Corruption Tournament.”)
From Marc Ragovin “I’m not saying that Robert Durst is guilty, but he just demanded that a Las Vegas sports memorabilia dealer give him back his stuff.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, airline jokes, Chris Borland jokes, Congress jokes, Janice Hough, March madness jokes
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March 14, 2015
In India, a bride left her husband to be at the altar after testing him on his math skills. She asked “How much is 15 plus six?” He answered, 17. Just guessing that’s not going to be part of Bristol Palin’s wedding ceremony.
Since their performances in Chicago on July 4 weekend sold out so quickly, the surviving members of the Grateful Dead are reportedly thinking about adding shows at Levi’s Stadium or AT&T Park. Now, I know a lot of Deadheads are in the SF Bay Area. But really, for real authenticity, shouldn’t the band now consider a show in Colorado?
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Vladimir Putin has not been seen in public for over a week. Yesterday Swiss paper Bilk reported that the Russian leader, 62, was in Switzerland with his rumored girlfriend, Alina Kabayeva, 31, a former gold-medal gymnast, for the birth of their daughter. Hmm. wonder if Putin will return saying he was hiking the Alpine trail.
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RIP Al Rosen, 91.. Seems sadly fitting that he and Candlestick Park would not outlive each other. #Yougottalikethiskids #SFGiants
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Who says geeks have no sense of humor? MIT issued its admissions decisions Saturday night at 9:26pm #PiDay
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Amazing some of the “stupid-is-a-virtue” types in this country weren’t screaming about “Happy Pi Day” being elitist. But to be fair, they probably thought it only refers to dessert.
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Groupon is selling tickets to see Chicago and Earth, Wind & Fire this July. Is this a good idea now? The bands’ targeted demographic may not be able to remember anything they book that far ahead.
The Toronto Raptors just ended a 16-game losing streak tonight against the Miami Heat. And the Philadelphia 76ers sniffed “amateurs!”
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The San Jose Sharks may not make the playoffs, but they’re making headlines. On Thursday, GM Doug Wilson told a group of season holders that the team took the captain’s “C” from Joe Thornton because the pressure and stress were getting to him. And on Friday, Thornton told the Mercury News, Doug “just needs to stop lying, shut his mouth.” Who do the Sharks think they are? The 49ers?
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Jeb Bush refused to say whether he would have signed the letter the 47 Senators wrote to Iran, saying they did it out of “frustration” and “that I do think that we need to get back to a bipartisan consensus on foreign policy.” Translation, I want to be President and I don’t want the Democrats doing the same thing to me.
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As Americans prepare for selection Sunday, perhaps a way we could get people to focus on their vote for 2016 is to start a Presidential Bracket. 64 picks, presumably with Bush and Clinton as one seeds, maybe Walker and Warren next. Plenty of trendy picks like Christie, Paul, etc. And enough potential Cinderellas to fill out the rest. (Not like say, Harvard, has any more chance than some political unknowns.)
Then simply say the brackets could not be used for real betting purposes and let the fun begin.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Bush jokes, grateful, Janice Hough, March madness jokes, Palin jokes, pi day jokes, Putin jokes, Sharks jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
March 12, 2015
Apparently a payment is due this month for SF 49ers fans who bought PSL’s at Levi’s Stadium. After this month writing that check has to feel like paying alimony
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Will Ferrell today played for 10 teams in five games during Spring Training in Arizona, and played all nine positions. Who does he think he is? Bugs Bunny?
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Now that Will Ferrell, 47, has played during Spring Training for 10 teams in the Cactus League, some wonder if he might repeat the stunt for teams in Florida’s Grapefruit League. Probably not, as Ferrell is much too young for the Yankees.
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Rudy Giuliani is now blaming Obama and the “tone set by the President” for the McDonald’s brawl and the Ferguson shooting. He also said Obama should be “more like Bill Cosby.” Hey, wasn’t that Bill Clinton’s job?
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Cal DE Brennan Scarlett is transferring to Stanford for his final year and will play football for the Cardinal in 2015. And apparently his car was vandalized after news of the move broke. Well, at least Scarlett wasn’t transferring between SEC rivals… he might have been shot at.
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Disney has announced plans for a “Frozen 2”, albeit with no announced date for the movie’s release. Many parents are just hoping the sequel takes long enough to produce that their children will have gotten too old to want to see it again, and again, and again. #letitgo
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And the hits just keep on coming. Today in the Aaron Hernandez trial, the former player was shown on his own surveillance video walking in his house with what looked like a Glock gun, minutes after Odin Lloyd was shot. Now you have to wonder how Hernandez ever was smart enough to learn the Patriots’ (and Gators’) playbooks.
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Jimmy Kimmel introduced President Obama as the “first Kenyan-born Muslim Socialist ever elected president.” And over at FOX they’re saying “Finally, someone in the liberal media admits it.”
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Darrelle Revis said he followed his heart to return to the NY Jets from the New England Patriots. And nothing says love like $39 million of a $70 million NFL contract guaranteed.
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Ah, those targeted ads. Was reading the story about the Canadian woman who was killed in Cabo when a whale breached and landed on her tour boat. And now I’m getting ads for United’s discount airfares to Cabo San Lucas.
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United Airlines has sent out an email to their elite members talking about an improved Premium Cabin experience that includes “enhanced” amenity kits. Maybe the kits, in addition to the usual socks, eye shade, moisturizer etc, now include a shoe horn so you can get into your seat when you travel economy?
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So the Hillary Clinton email controversy continues. But apparently she has not been the only one to combine government and personal communications. Will we next find out that John McCain used the same blanket to send both official and personal smoke signals?
From T.C. “A picture of a massive alligator taken by a member of Florida’s Myakka Pines Golf Course has gone viral. The club’s Facebook page has generated thousands of hits a day. The club invites visitors play the course but reminds you that it’s 400 399 members have priority for times.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, Aaron Hernandez jokes, Frozen jokes, Janice Hough, Rudy Giuliani jokes, spring training jokes, United Airlines jokes, Will Ferrell jokes
Comments: 10 Comments
March 8, 2015
Apparently Frank Gore is planning to sign with the Eagles. Will the last 49ers fan favorite to leave Levi’s Stadium please turn out the lights?
You know you’re not in Kansas, or the San Francisco Bay Area, anymore, when the first sign you see at United Airlines check-in is “If you are traveling with a firearm…” (Phoenix, AZ)
Selection Sunday for March Madness is March 15. Meaning most Americans have less than one week before we can start passionately caring about teams we didn’t know existed before.
And now the latest rumor out of Santa Clara, Jayson Braddock of SportsTalk 790 in Houston says the SF 49ers are trying to trade Colin Kaepernick. “49ers” may soon refer to the price in cents people will have paid for tickets.
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So does the Dolphins’ signing of #NdamukongSuh mean they are really putting their foot down on bullying?
Two American tourists were arrested and charged with carving their initials into the Colesseum in Rome. And we can’t even put it down to testosterone poisoning. They are young women, ages 21 and 25.
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The cherry on the stupid top of the tourists who carved their initials into the Colosseum: These two idiot women TOOK A SELFIE with their handiwork. That stampeding sound you hear across the ocean is prosecuting attorneys volunteering to take the case.
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Lindsey Graham today: “You can have every email I’ve ever sent — I’ve never sent one. I don’t know what that makes me.” So maybe Mike Huckabee is right about man co-existing with dinosaurs.
Not defending Hillary Clinton here, but regarding this email flap: One, so how many people on both sides of the aisle got emails from her personal address and no one felt inclined to call her on it and/or go to the media. And two, my sense is that Clinton is smart, and secretive, enough that the things we might really worry about weren’t put in an email.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: 49ers jokes, colosseum jokes, Janice Hough, Jed york jokes, March madness jokes, Ndamukong Suh jokes, Suh jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
March 8, 2015
Winter is almost over.
Meanwhile, across town, Jim Harbaugh took a turn at coaching first base for the As two innings Saturday in a spring training game. Wonder if Billy Beane showed up and out of habit tried to trade him.
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Baseball spring training for most is hope over experience. Making millions of Americans honorary Cubs fans.
The New Orleans Saints and Mark Ingram have apparently agreed to a four-year, $16 million deal. Shocking news for these times. There’s actually a Heisman winner some team wants to pay to keep around?!
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It’s the Chinese New Year parade in SF tonight. But no one knows if it’s the year of the Ram or the Sheep or the Goat. #IblameObama
Regarding all those racist emails, jokes and cartoons found in Ferguson emails, anyone but me less shocked at the content, than the fact these people were idiotic enough to send them on city email accounts? #maybecaneducateracists #cantfixstupid
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Forget those rumors of retirement, Marshawn Lynch has signed a two-year extension with the Seahawks. So I guess Lynch is going to postpone plans to star in a remake of “The Longest Yard.”
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The Justice Department is apparently going to bring criminal corruption charges against NJ Senator Bob Menendez. Menendez for his part says he has “always been honest.” And Chris Christie might be thinking “Well, then how did he get elected in New Jersey?”
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Alaska Rep. Don Young, to Interior Secretary Sally Jewell, over a letter 79 members of Congress sent urging her to protect the gray wolf population. “How many of you have got wolves in your district?” None. None. Not one.They haven’t got a damn wolf in their whole district. I’d like to introduce them in your district. If I introduced them in your district, you wouldn’t have a homeless problem anymore.”
Wolves running around Congress might solve a few problems too….
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Saturday night we turned our clocks forward an hour. Knicks fans are just hoping they could turn the clock forward to the end of the season.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: email jokes, Janice Hough, Lynch jokes, spring training jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
March 5, 2015
Hunter Pence may have a broken arm after being hit by a pitch from Chicago Cubs prospect Corey Black. So is this the Cubs’ strategy to win the NL this year? Start eliminating the competition?
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Harrison Ford has apparently been injured when a small plane he was piloted crashed onto a Southern California golf course. Was Ford trying to adjust his left blinker at the time?
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Some very smart high-energy dogs, like Border Collies and Jack Russell terriers, can be great to have around, but they are easily bored. Which means when they have nothing to do, they FIND something to do. Now, how would you like to be Bruce Bochy with a sidelined Hunter Pence hanging out in the SF Giants dugout?
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And we thought the Jeter circus was over. Today Brian Cashman said – “As far as I’m concerned, and I’m not the decision-maker on this, that captaincy should be retired with number 2. I wouldn’t give up another captain title to anybody else.” So Jeter isn’t just the most-hyped Yankee ever, he’s the most important Yankee ever? #sowhenwillNYmakeJetersbirthdayaholiday?
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With all this flap over Hillary’s emails, wonder if Joe Biden is begging reporters to ask about HIS emails? Somebody, anybody want to read them? Please?
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The woman who was sexting with Anthony Weiner now is claiming that an unnamed Democratic politician from the Midwest sent her texts begging to be “to be tied up and left in a closet.” Ah for the good old days when men just picked up prostitutes in hotel bars.
Your daily Florida item? A Fort Myers man is claiming he fatally shot his neighbor in self-defense. Then he put the body in his pickup and drove to his lawyer’s office. Come on, Texas and Arizona, catch up!
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So regarding Daniel Murphy and his “gay lifestyle” comment, what’s a “gay lifestyle?” Know gay working parents and couples who seem to have a lifestyle that doesn’t differ much from my heterosexual friends. Is he implying single gays hook up more often than single heterosexuals. Think the success of Tinder would indicate otherwise…..
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Meanwhile, regarding that “heterosexual lifestyle, ” Chris Soules, the “Bachelor”, is apparently now going on “Dancing With The Stars.” Is it just me, or is it seeming increasingly likely this guy isn’t ever going back to farming in Iowa?
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The Pittsburgh #Steelers are apparently set to release #TroyPolamalu. So sad, forget the face, he’s been the hair of the franchise.
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A Delta flight today landed at New York’s LaGuardia airport and skidded off the runway into a snow bank. So did they at least give passengers credit for the extra distance traveled in their frequent flier accounts?
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LaGuardia announced today their airport was is closed due to a runway “incident.” “Incident?!”. Right. Better I guess than saying “We gotta broken plane that’s stuck in a snowbank. You gotta problem with that?”
From T.C. “A Delta flight skidded off the runway this morning during a steady snowfall at New York’s LaGuardia airport. Passengers evacuated safely and were bussed to a nearby Delta terminal. The ones that paid the $5 Bus Fee, that is.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: baseball jokes, Biden jokes, Delta jokes, Florida jokes, harrison ford jokes, Hillary jokes, Hunter pence, Janice Hough
Comments: 2 Comments
March 3, 2015
You can’t make this “stuff” up. Now ISIS has threatened Twitter and its employees for shutting down their accounts. So let me get this straight, the infidels ISIS so despises have created something they are outraged at the thought of living without….
Detroit has decided not to use the franchise tag on Ndamukong Suh. So much for those potential headlines “Lions put their foot down on Suh.”
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Apparently PGA pro Dan Olsen (who?) said last week in a radio interview that Tiger Woods is not on tour because he is serving a month-long suspension for a failed drug test. Woods’ agent and the PGA tour itself strongly denied the claim. Well, yeah, duh. If Tiger were taking PED’s he’d have been playing better.
Jameis Winston has filed to trademark “Famous Jameis.” Let’s hope whichever team drafts the young quarterback doesn’t end up wanting to toss their cookies.
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It’s a start that WalMart is going to start paying a $9 an hour minimum wage. Means that their employees will only have to work about a day and a half to afford ONE entry fee to Disneyland.
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William Shatner doubled down on missing Leonard Nimoy’s funeral today “My understanding is mourn the dead but celebrate life. I chose to celebrate life by going to the Red Cross gathering in Palm Beach, raised a lot of money for the Red Cross.”
Okay, except flying East Coast to West coast you gain time, and just GUESSING the man, or Priceline, could have afforded a private jet. #Livelongandbs
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The Houston Chronicle reports that after 3-yr-old and 4-yr old boys accidentally fatally shot themselves this weekend, a 6-yr-old is in critical condition after being shot today by his 5-yr-old brother. And local sheriffs are now distributing free gun locks. Uh, shouldn’t guns COME with gun locks?
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The Arizona Legislature is trying to get the U.S. Supreme Court to declare their state’s independent commission for drawing congressional boundaries unconstitutional. Their lawyer claims the “ultimate check on partisan gerrymandering is the ability to throw the bums out.” Uh, no, that’s exactly the ability partisan gerrymandering takes away.
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What a long strange trip it’s been. The cheapest seat on Stubhub for the Grateful Dead’s reunion concert in July is over $1300. And the top price is over $100,000. Of course, to be fair, most Deadheads who regularly saw the band in its heyday probably can’t remember any of the concerts.
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Bill Littlejohn on Marshawn Lynch’s latest: “Marshawn Lynch gave an interview to Turkish TV and said he expected the ball on the last Super Bowl play.He also said, ‘I’m just here so I won’t have to take the Midnight Express’
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Grateful Deal jokes, ISIS jokes, Jameis Winston jokes, Janice Hough, Suh jokes, Tiger Woods jokes, Walmart jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
February 27, 2015
Oops. Someone at JetBlue Airways decided it was a good idea to tweet out “Oh, the Bluemanity” to their almost 2 million followers. (“Oh, the humanity!” was the radio announcer’s cry when the Hindenberg crashed and killed 36 people.). The tweet has been removed.
To paraphrase, those who cannot remember the past are condemned to make fools of themselves on social media? #cantfixstupid
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A California judge ruled that Lindsay Lohan’s self-selected “community service” in London doesn’t count, and she still has over 100 hours to complete if she doesn’t want to go to jail. PEOPLE magazine reported Lohan was trying to include things like having young people “shadow” her and hang out while she was performing in a play. Can’t imagine how celebrities get the reputation for being out of touch..
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KNBR radio reports that ESPN has their “Sunday Night Baseball” schedule out. Through July 19, the Red Sox and Yankees are on 7 times. The World Champion SF Giants zero. Ditto the Dodgers. The only team west of the Mississippi on at all are the Angels, twice. And they wonder why baseball doesn’t have a national audience.
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In Tennessee, two high school girls basketball coaches were suspended for this season and next year. This after a game where both teams tried to lose to get a better tournament position. Amongst numerous violations were deliberate attempts at turnovers and one attempted own-goal. Wouldn’t it have been easier for one coach just to tell his girls to play like the Knicks?
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Headline “MLBer shagging flies steps on sprinkler, tears knee cartilage.” Turns out of be bad news for the Blue Jays’ Michael Saunders. But most Giants fans seeing that story were sure it was Jeremy Affeldt.
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Donald Trump said yesterday that he is “more serious” than ever about running for President in 2016. And Jon Stewart is thinking “well, maybe I can delay that retirement just a bit….”
Anyone but me beginning to wonder how Aaron Hernandez, 25, managed to stay out of prison for as long as he did? #thanksurbanmeyer
A new British study has found that adults who sleep more than 8 hours a day have a significantly higher risk of strokes. Which is finally some really good health news for working mothers.
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NJ Gov. Chris Christie, speaking to conservative group CPAC, “Sometimes people need to be told to sit down and shut up.” Yep, including at times, Chris Christie.
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Regarding Chris Christie’s comment that “Sometimes people need to be told to sit down and shut up.” If the NJ Governor REALLY wants a boost to his Presidential prospects can he direct that statement to Kanye West?
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From T.C. “At the NFL combine, Jameis Winston ran the 40 in 4.97 sec. Rumor has it he improved his time to 4.55 when a scout handed him a bag of crab legs.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Aaron Hernandez jokes, baseball jokes, Chris Christie jokes, ESPN jokes, Janice Hough, JetBlue jokes, Lindsay Lohan jokes, Trump jokes
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Left Coast Sports Babe 