Archive for the ‘baseball jokes’ category
February 22, 2016
Denny Hamlin won the #Daytona500 by just six inches. Not surprisingly men who saw the photo thought it was more like a foot.
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#Daytona500 today. The only time of the week millions of #NASCAR fans enjoy watching anyone turn to the left.
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Wonder if even Derek Jeter is thinking this #KobeBryant farewell tour is getting over the top?
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The 2016 #Marlins apparently have a rule against facial hair. Well, not like they are going to have to worry about playoff beards.
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Former Cowboys RB Joseph Randle has been arrested for the 5th time in 17 months. Is Randle trying to prove he still belongs in the NFL?
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SF Giants prospect Ray Black has been clocked at 104 mph. And somewhere Barry Zito is just weeping.
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GOP conventional wisdom always had it that “it should have been Jeb.” Dems now concur. Based on this campaign, were he running against Jeb, Gore wouldn’t have even needed Florida.
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So March Rubio edged Ted Cruz for second in South Carolina tonight: Wonder if Cruz or Trump will be the first to try to hire Chris Christie.
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So the alleged Kalamazoo shooter is a white man with a “typical American family.” Waiting for the first person who figures out a way to try to blame this on Muslims or immigrants.
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Not great publicity for Uber that the Kalamazoo suspect was an Uber driver who was picking up fares between shootings. Let’s hope that while scared residents tried to get home that the company wasn’t also doing surge pricing.
#bustohell #ubertohell?
Mitt Romney apparently has finally decided to endorse Marco Rubio, So until now was he only 47% percent sure?
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Hillary Clinton today was countering criticism that she’s running for President for “selfish reasons.” Give me a break, they’re ALL running for selfish reasons.
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Edward Snowden says he misses the U.S. and is willing to be extradited home if the U.S government guarantees he would get a fair trial where he can make “a public interest defense.” Uh, not sure if Snowden would be convicted or not, but getting media coverage of his defense is not going to be an problem.
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When the lights went out at one of his rallies, Donald Trump used the occasion to lash out at “the dishonest press.” Is that any way to talk about the people who have made it unnecessary for the Donald to pay for any of his publicity?
Categories: baseball jokes, GOP jokes, snowden jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Bush jokes, Cruz jokes, Daytona 500 jokes, Janice Hough, Kobe jokes, Trump jokes
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February 22, 2016
A new study says that coffee may lead to a lower risk of developing cirrhosis from drinking too much alcohol. Well, heck, that calls for an Irish coffee.
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Texas A&M got an upset win at the buzzer against #Kentucky in OT. Wonder how John #Calipari will discipline his players – make them go to class?
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LSU men’s basketball coach Johnny Jones benched star Ben Simmons for the start of tonight’s game against Tennessee because “we had to address some academic stuff with him earlier in the week.” Simmons entered the game after 4 1/2 minutes. 4 1/2 minutes?! Yeah, that will teach him.
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Barry Bonds today “God knows I’m a Hall of Famer.” But wonder how long baseball writers will still think -“The Hall of Fame is reserved for those who played the game with integrity, like Gaylord Perry.”
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Michigan coach Jim Harbaugh is being criticized for taking his football team to Florida for their allowed 20 hours a week practice during spring break. NCAA president Mark Emmert – “They’re having a hard time being students and doing what students want to do.”
Uh, let’s see, the option was staying in wintry Ann Arbor or going to Florida for a week, with free time after practice. And Emmert made his comment with a straight face?
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Marissa Mayer says she can still turn Yahoo around. From one ditch into another ditch?
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Jeb Bush suspended his Presidential campaign. Shocking many people who couldn’t see proof he was actually running one.
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Charles Koch says he agrees with Bernie Sanders that the “system is often rigged to help the privileged few at the expense of everyone else.” Well, and Koch and this brother ought to know. They helped rig it.
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Ted Cruz told his supporters tonight “We have made history.” Trouble is, most of this supporters don’t believe in history. (or math. )
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For the latest contest entry into the “How low can you go?” in this election, I give you Donald Trump’s tweet today:. “I wonder if President Obama would have attended the funeral of Justice Scalia if it were held in a Mosque? Very sad that he did not go! ” #nottheonion
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So Trump likes to denigrate education by saying we spend more per capita than any other country already. But then when he talks about about the military he’s not only okay with spending more than everyone else, he wants to spend more?
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The Georgia Senate passed a bill that that would protect people and organizations from “discriminatory action” by the government, if they opt out of serving any couple – gay or straight — if they cite a sincerely held religious belief or moral conviction regarding marriage.
So what happens when say, someone decides not to serve a couple “living in sin,” or a divorced couple? Or an unwed mother like Bristol Palin?
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From T.C. “Donald Trump reiterated his plan to build a border wall between the US and Mexico. In related news, Las Vegas oddsmakers have just installed Mexico as the favorites in the Olympic pole-vault competition.”
Categories: baseball jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bonds jokes, Bush jokes, Cruz jokes, drinking jokes, Harbaugh jokes, Janice Hough, sanders jokes, Trump jokes
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February 19, 2016
#Spurs 119 #Lakers 113. Kobe Bryant 25 points, Tim Duncan double-double. Another great battle for the aged.
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And here I thought the #Spurs looked rusty after the All Star Break. #Warriors
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The Texas Rangers will host an event this weekend where fans who hit a home run at the ballpark can win season tickets. The Atlanta Braves reportedly will have a scout at the event to offer the winning fan a contract.
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Former #Mets #Dodgers and #SFGiants infielder #JuanUribe has signed with the #Indians. Guess he got tired of all that playoff pressure.
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Jonathan Papelbon has publicly apologized for choking Bryce Harper. Since Dusty Baker is the new Nationals manager, have to wonder if starting the season in long relief was a possible alternative.
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Serious post for a change – R.I.P. former SF Giants player and manger Jim Davenport, 82, and former Oakland A’s infielder Tony Phillips, 56. 82 is sad, 56 is way way way too young.
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Okay, a well-publicized story about a Detroit woman giving birth to her 14th child from 14 different fathers turns out to be fake. We should have known better, she wasn’t also the first woman to play in the NFL.
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Harper Lee has passed away at the age of 89. Hope it wasn’t all those reviews of “Go Set a Watchman” that killed her.
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Because of a flight delay, Chinese airline Hainan put two women, who didn’t know each other, up in a hotel near the airport. They ended up with an “erotic” room with whips, chains etc. Men are reading this and thinking “Just another way in which U.S. airlines lag foreign carriers.”
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Apparently the U.S. no-fly list may have resulted in security problems and boarding delays for many Canadian children who have similar names to those on the list, even on flights within Canada. So assume their response is #BlameAmerica
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The University of Texas has announced that they will soon allow students to carry handguns on campus. Well, since most students are under 21, fortunately there’s no chance any of them will be able to drink while they carry. #sarcasm
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Robert Jeffress, pastor of the First Baptist Dallas church, says of Pope Francis’s comments about Christians not building walls: “The pope needs to ask for Donald Trump’s forgiveness for sing such an outlandish thing,” Once again, this is putting a whole new meaning on #Jesuswept
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#youcantmakethisstuffup Donald Trump has tweeted out a call for a boycott of Apple until the company agrees to unlock the San Bernadino shooter’s phone. He sent the tweet on his iPhone.
More of this “stuff” you can’t make up. Marco Rubio now says on “day one” of his presidency, he will stop protecting “Dreamers,” (undocumented immigrants who came to the U.S as children) from deportation. Great way to pay it forward for someone who was himself an anchor baby.
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Sen. Ted Cruz, with the latest rationale for not holding Senate hearings for whoever Obama nominates to the Supreme Court. “I think that hearing would end up very politicized. And I don’t think it would be fair to the nominee.”
George Orwell would be SO proud.
Saw this trending on FB: “Jaimie Alexander and Peter Facinelli: Couple Ends Their Engagement, Representatives Say.” Anyone but me going “Who?”
Categories: baseball jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, gun jokes, harper lee, Janice Hough, Spurs jokes, Texas jokes, Trump jokes, Warriors jokes
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February 18, 2016
How can you not love the SF Giants’ Matt Duffy. Or at least his cat Skeeter?
the caption from duffcat35 –
“said goodbye to Matty this morning. Season, here we come! #evenyear #springtraining #arizona #duffman #duffcat
Most #SFGiants fans were unhappy to see Pablo Sandoval leave but this year they have to be thrilled to have Matt Duffy, a 3rd baseman who is not only younger and about $18.5 million a year cheaper, but whose only weight issues belong to his cat.
It just gets better. Now Yankees COO Lonn Trost says he doesn’t like fans who paid retail selling tickets cheaply on sites like Stubhub: “It’s not that we don’t want that fan to sell it, but that fan is sitting there having paid a substantial amount of money for a ticket and (another) fan picks it up for a buck-and-a-half and sits there, and it’s frustrating to the purchaser of the full amount. And quite frankly, the fan may be someone who has never sat in a premium location. So that’s a frustration to our existing fan base.”
Clearly, they need a violin section to fill those premium empty seats….#thehumanity
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Coach Mike Krzyzewski says he will still coach the U.S. Olympic team, despite planned knee replacement surgery after the NCAA season is over. Hmm, thought the only active big name in basketball old enough for knee replacement surgery was Tim Duncan.
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Colts linebacker Jonathan Newsome was arrested near Indianapolis last night and JAILED over two counts of marijuana possession. Add another to the list of potential free agents who want to sign with the Denver Broncos.
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Adele said “‘I cried pretty much all day” after the Grammys. Maybe she can write a song about the experience.
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With this Apple/San Bernadino thing I think I’ve figured out many Americans’ approach to privacy – the government should do everything necessary to keep me safe, as long as it doesn’t involve my own personal information.
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The Tax Policy Center analyzed Ted Cruz’s proposed 10% flat tax and said not only would it favor the wealthy, but it would cost the country $8.6 trillion over a decade. Waiting for Cruz to respond that numbers have a liberal bias.
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Thinking Will Rogers never met #DonaldTrump or #TedCruz.
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Pope Francis on Trump. “A person who thinks only about building walls, wherever they may be, and not building bridges, is not Christian,” Going to be fun now to see the Donald attack the Pope.
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Walmart is giving all their employees pay raises this year, so the average full-time worker will make $13.38. (about $25,000 a year.) Part-timers will get an an average hourly wage of $10.58. They say it will cost them $1.6 billion for their 1.4 million workers.
By comparison Walmart’s top 6 executives make a combined total of $76 million….
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After a DNA test, Bristol Palin has apparently conceded in a custody and support battle that former fiance Dakota Meyer is the father of her 2 month old daughter. So how many options were there? #abstinenceambassador
Sandra Day O’Connor, who thinks Obama should nominate a new Supreme Court judge, and the Senate confirm him or her. “We need somebody in there to do the job and just get on with it.”
Three words “You go girl.”
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As the conspiracy theories fly on Scalia, the Borowitz Report once again has it right: “The only suspect I have definitively ruled out is Mitch McConnell,” a leading conspiracy theorist said. “No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t imagine a scenario where he accomplished something.”
Categories: baseball jokes, GOP jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Apple jokes, Cruz jokes, Janice Hough, Pope jokes, SF Giants jokes, spring training jokes, Trump jokes, Walmart jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
February 12, 2016
Mets reliever Jenrry Mejia has been permanently suspended by MLB after his third PED suspension, the all since April 2015. Being caught three times in a year? That’s not a suspension for PEDs, that’s a suspension for stupidity.
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Jim Harbaugh and his staff racked up $136,000.in private jet costs during a two week recruiting window this January. And if Michigan beats Ohio State, school officials and alums will consider that a bargain.
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Louisiana is facing a $940 million deficit, New Gov. John Bel Edwards has said without tax increases, there will be massive layoffs and canceled classes at state campuses. Meaning that students attending those universities “will receive a grade of incomplete, many students will not be able to graduate and student athletes across the state at those schools will be ineligible to play next semester. That means you can say farewell to college football next fall.”
Okay, not sure his future political aspirations, but THIS is a man who knows how to play hardball.
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Bryce Harper, asked about a potential $400 million contract, responded “don’t sell me short.” So does that mean Harper is expecting to be a Yankee or Dodger some day?
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Regarding the Mavericks surfing championship. I’m all for choice but how many sports make moms wish their kids did some safer sport like football?
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The Parents of former Jackie Robinson West baseball players have sued Little League and ESPN, saying they knew some children might be ineligible but “chose to ignore and/or deliberately conceal these facts in order to garner higher ratings, publicity, and money.”
So even though the team was caught cheating with residency, but still got a White House and MLB World Series trip out of the deal, this suit says they were wronged. And we wonder why Americans hate lawyers.
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Kanye West now says about his tirade against Taylor Swift that “bitch” is a term of endearment. Right, I’m sure he calls Kim that all the time….
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Just to prove the U.S. doesn’t have a monopoly on political circuses, I bring you this story from Japan, where the first MP who tried to take paternity leave has resigned. After a magazine broke the story that during his wife’s pregnancy, he had an affair with a bikini model….
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A Florida woman was charged with child neglect after her dad found her naked, drunk (.305 blood alcohol level, not a typo) and unconscious while she was babysitting a young child. #ifonlyshewasarmed
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In San Francisco, a place called Equator Coffee was selling cups of coffee made from Finca Sophia beans for $15. And they sold out. And we wonder why other countries hate us?
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Former Virginia Gov. Jim Gilmore dropped out of the 2016 Presidential race. Shocking millions of Americans who had no idea he was running.
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So Marco Rubio, who has spoken only eight times on the Senate floor since January, 2015, still spends $60,000 a year for a speechwriter. Isn’t this like Donald Trump employing a fact-checker?
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The Pope today in Cuba had a meeting with the head of the Russian Orthodox church, their first conversation in almost 1,000 years. So maybe there’s hope for Democrats and Republicans.
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Barry Manilow, 72, has had to cancel concerts after he was told not to speak or sing for a while after throat surgery. “What a shame” said millions of women and gay men and about three of their spouse
From Marc Ragovin “So W will be campaigning for Jeb in South Carolina. I hope for Jeb’s sake he shows more brotherly love than Eli Manning.”
Categories: baseball jokes, GOP jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: football jokes, Harbaugh jokes, Janice Hough, Kanye West jokes, Louisiana jokes, manilow jokes, Mavericks jokes, Rubio jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
February 11, 2016
The NBA is discussing a proposal during the All-Star break that would let teams sell ONE corporate logo on their uniforms for the 2017-18 season. Meaning by about the 2020-21 season the uniforms should all look like NASCAR’s.
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So Jeremy Affeldt is joining the CSN broadcast crew. Can’t wait until the first time the former SF Giants pitcher second guesses Bruce Bochy’s pitching change decisions.
SF Giants fans who remember Affeldt’s creative stints on the DL hope that the network offers good medical insurance.
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Some discussion on where RGIII may end up next year. Well, the Redskins QB may have been disappointing but RGIII should be thankful to Johnny Manziel for making him look like a good bet by comparison.
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Jason Castro today became the first MLB player to lose in arbitration this year.. He had asked for $5.2 million, but the arbitrator sided with the Astros, and gave him only $5 million.
You know baseball salaries are in another world when the immediate reaction is, “only $200,000, why couldn’t they settle?”
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Scientists say they have detected gravitational waves, which were a major component of Einstein’s theory of relativity. Waiting for the GOP rebuttal.
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Ben Carson – “I’m getting a lot of pressure to make sure I stay in the race.” No doubt, primarily from comedy writers who lost both Fiorina and Christie in the same day.
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Anyone but me think it’s a bit strange that the guy who is saying “Make America Great Again” is a multi-billionaire who consistently has had America be pretty great for him.
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Donald Trump attacked the NY Daily News after it put him on their cover as a clown, saying it was a failing paper. So now the NYDN has a new hashtag, #Trumpfails, and started a “brief history of Trump’s many failures.” Get some popcorn folks, this could be fun.
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Patriots owner Robert Kraft to a TV reporter “I happened to see Archie (Manning)…. He has two sons who have won two Super Bowls (each) But with all due respect, we have one son who has won four.” Ah, it’s this sort of thing that makes the Patriots so beloved outside New England. #stayclassy
The Raiders announced they have signed a lease to stay in Oakland for the 2016 season. Translation, nobody else wants them.
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Kanye West, in lyrics about Taylor Swift – ” I made that that B—H famous.” Hard to believe it’s possible but Kanye might almost make the Kardashians look classy by comparison.
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Marco Rubio says he broke a tooth chewing on a frozen Twix Bar. And somewhere W. is thinking “And they gave me grief on a pretzel?”
After a summit in Munich, John Kerry has announced a deal for a ceasefire in Syria “within a week.” #IblameObama
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You call this a debate? Where is the name-calling, where is the crazy talk, where are the clowns? #DemDebate
The U.S election system really has gotten corrupt. Why, we can’t even vote on the American Idol semi-finalists anymore. Viewers won’t be able to vote until the last six weeks. #isnothingsacred?
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From T.C. “Nike is celebrating its Jordan Brand’s 30th anniversary this weekend. The latest models will sell for $200. This compared to only $100 when they were first introduced. The company blames the price increase on raises that have brought their Chinese children factory workers up to 35 cents per hour “
Categories: baseball jokes, cellphone jokes, debate jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, GOP jokes, Janice Hough, NBA All-Star game jokes, NBA jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
January 6, 2016
It’s just one storm series. Still a bit odd when you live in California and the newspaper story about the state still being in a drought is hard to read — because the paper got soaked clear through the plastic this morning.
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The NFL is reportedly looking for 500 volunteers to help assembly the half-time stage for the Super Bowl. They expect the time commitment to be at least 33 hours counting rehearsals, and no, a game ticket is not included. But hey, if you’ve started out the New Year in a charitable mood. The league IS a nonprofit…. #whythereisnosatire
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The Rams in their NFL relocation bid to return to Los Angeles do some serious St. Louis bashing. Well, this ought to be fun when the Dodgers come to Busch Stadium this year to play the Cardinals.
#KenGriffeyJr was elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame with 99.3% of the vote. So would the .7% (3 voters) like to explain their reasons?
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Meanwhile, Mike Piazza. who admitted taking at least “andro,” proved that the writers think that a “good” guy with PEDs beats a “bad” guy with PED’s?
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Ammon Bundy, the Oregon militia leader, says he is “following directions from God.” And God says, “Don’t blame me, I have nothing to do with this a**hole.”
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Sean Payton says he is staying in New Orleans, “I can’t imagine me ever coaching another team.” So guess it’s “the Devil and Saints you know.
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Some skepticism on North Korea’s alleged H-bomb test, even though it allegedly caused seismic activity. Maybe the earthquake was caused by Kim Jong Il throwing a temper tantrum?
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Libertarian Gary Johnson said today he is running again for President in 2016. Not that he has a chance, but no doubt Johnson is already outpolling at least 2-3 GOP candidates.
Gov. Sam Brownback of Kansas just tweeted “Congrats Alex Gordon, with your new contract you’ll save about $1.8 million by living in KS instead of CA.”
Right, and then most winters Gordon can spend much of that $1.8 million getting out of Kansas. (And the Royals DO play in Missouri.)
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Macy’s says they will eliminate more than 4,500 jobs. And then presumably they will have a “One Day Layoff Sale?”
An 8-year-old girl is recovering in the hospital after she fell off a ski lift at Squaw Valley near Lake Tahoe. The girl apparently was not using the chair’s safety-restraint bar. Sure hope her parents don’t decide to sue for the resort not making her use the bar….
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Joe Biden says of his decision not to run for President in 2016. “I regret it every day.” I wonder if this has anything to do with the fact that Twitter may be expanding their tweets from 140 to 10,000 characters.
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On their 62nd try, Congress passed a repeal of the Affordable Care Act and sent it to the President to veto. So now they can return to attacking Obama for, amongst other things, wasting taxpayer money.
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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg – Steve Harvey would like to personally congratulate Jose Canseco on his selection to the Hall of Fame.
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Categories: baseball jokes, football jokes, GOP jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball hall of fame jokes, half of fame jokes, hall of fame jokes, Janice Hough, militia jokes, NFL jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
December 14, 2015
So just wondering. How come we can’t say #MerryChristmas but we have to listen to #GodBlessAmerica at every Sunday #MLB game?
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Holiday tip of the day. If you have an SUV large enough to carry two kids’ soccer teams, you just MIGHT be too big to park in a “compact car” spot
Scott Cochran, Alabama’s strength and conditioning coach for football, was rumored to be leaving for Georgia. But he will remain with the Crimson Tide, reportedly with a raise. USA Today says Cochran’s current salary is $420,000 and he probably will get at least $500,000 to stay.
Hmm, wonder what professors make at Alabama?
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Amazon has apparently removed most hoverboards from their site over safety concerns, specifically that some models could catch fire and explode. And here I was thinking the biggest worry was falling off the things.
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Apparently new MLB commission Rob Manfred has decided to keep Pete Rose’s lifetime ban in place. It’s always seemed to me a reasonable solution was to allow Rose to be on the Hall of Fame ballot, but ban him from ever holding a job again in baseball. Not having the career hits leader on a plaque seems wrong.
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Right about now the #Spurs and #Warriors are doing good job convincing casual basketball fans there’s no need to pay attention until #NBA Western Conference Finals.
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#SFGiants apparently got #JohnnyCueto. Clearly there’s something here about the hair.
You know the MLB free agent market is out of whack when 6 years $130 million for #JohnnyCueto seems like a reasonably priced deal. #SFGIANTS
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The FAA says drone owners will have to register their remote-controlled aircraft starting Dec 21. But what if your drone is armed?
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Tennessee Sen. Bob Corker says he has refiled his financial disclosure forms after a WSJ report said he didn’t file millions of dollars worth of investments and profits he received since joining the Senator in 2007. Corker now says “I am extremely disappointed in the filing errors that were made in earlier financial disclosure reports.”
Well, I am sure he is extremely disappointed that he got caught.
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An 11-year-old girl who was visiting a friend with some other classmates was fatally shot by a 12-year-old boy at his Tennessee home Friday night. If only the kids had been armed.
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Police have now charged Ole Miss DL Robert Nkemdiche with marijuana possession after his fall from a hotel window this weekend. Police say they found the football star “conscious and breathing while lying on the ground near the Hyatt’s sidewalk and driveway — and a group of several associates. None of them claimed to know why Nkemdiche had fallen out the double-pane room window.”
Hmm, maybe more than one person should have been charged with possession of something….
Donald Trump, on Iowa polls show him losing to Ted Cruz “Don’t worry, it’s just Iowa.” Well, that ought to make the Donald even more popular in the state.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Christmas jokes, Janice Hough, Trump jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
December 5, 2015
Zack Greinke signed a 6 year, $206 million deal with the…. Arizona Diamondbacks? Well, maybe Greinke figured he would do better without all that post-season pressure.
#SFGiants might have done just fine with Greinke deal: They don’t risk $200 million on a 32 yr-old pitcher & Zack’s no longer with the Dodgers.
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So Trump has backed down from his demand that CNN donate $5 million for him to participate in the next GOP debate. And the Donald expects us to think he can take on, China, Putin, ISIS….. he can’t even stand tough with a measly cable network.
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Aaron Hernandez has reportedly now been moved to a segregated unit at his maximum security prison, after he was found with a prison-made shank in his cell Thursday. You really do wonder how the former Gators/Patriots star has managed to stay alive to the age of 26. #cantfixstupid
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LSU’s AD said that the school had made “inquiries” about possible replacements for their football coach, but decided that Les Miles “was the right man for the job. Partial translation, “nobody we thought was better was interested.
A new report found that 1 in 4 U.S. bridges is “structurally deficient,” meaning some part of the bridge’s core structure needs repair or complete replacement. And the rest no doubt are in danger with a potential Chris Christie presidency.
#SFGiants have signed #JeffSamardzija to a 5 yr deal. Too soon to tell but so far only really unhappy people have to be SF copy editors.
A Seattle policeman who pulled a 73 year-old man over for driving without headlights was going to let him off with a warning, when the officer saw the driver allegedly attempting to snort cocaine DURING THE TRAFFIC STOP. Your move, Florida. #cantfixstupid
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Budapest tour guide talks about history and says Hungary has alas chosen the wrong side in all wars. Points out that the country is now part of NATO. And she adds thus NATO cannot start any future wars – because with Hungary involved, they will lose
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From T.C. “Kobe Bryant has announced that he will retire after this season. I wonder how much collectors will pay for his last “air ball””
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Categories: baseball jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Dodger jokes, Janice Hough, SF Giants jokes, Trump jokes
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October 23, 2015
The Pacifc Coast of Mexico braced today for Patricia, possibly the “worst hurricane ever.,” which was expected still to be a major storm by the time it hits Texas. Waiting for Donald Trump to say if he were in charge he’d put up a wall to stop it.
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The only way CNN could have been more excited about Hurricane #Patricia was if there were a cruise ship potentially stuck in it.
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First Jim Webb, now it’s bye bye Lincoln Chafee. Say what you want about Democrats, but at least they know when to give up on hopeless Presidential campaigns. Yes, I’m talking about you “fill-in-the-blank.”
U.S. authorities this week found a U.S.-Mexico border tunnel stretching the length of 8 football fields long, from Tijuana to San Diego, with lighting, electricity and a rail system. Sounds like these are the kind of folks Trump might want to build that wall.
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Spurs basketball coach Gregg Popovich is going to be the new coach of Team USA. Will be quite a change for Pop to coach a team of American players.
Got to love it, on Friday night, Fox Sports ticker had “Breaking News – Royals defeat Rays 4-3 to advance to second straight World Series.” During post game #ALCS coverage.
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Scott Servais will apparently be named the Mariners new manager this year. So once again folks, if you want your kids to grow up to be managers, give them a catcher’s mitt.
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Westboro Baptist Church was picketing the Blue Jays -Royals ALCS game tonight to “preach to the depraved Canadians.” Where were some players with good strong bat flips when you REALLY needed them?
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New Jersey police are looking for the rightful owner of 50 pounds of pot that was mailed to someone who didn’t even live at the address. When that person comes forward he/she will receive free room and board from the state for a while. Along with a #canttixstupid award.
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The number of confirmed Shigella infections has risen to 141 in an outbreak traced to a San Jose, CA restaurant. So waiting for N.C. senator Thom Tillis to reiterate his Feb. 2015 comments of how obligatory hand-washing rules are an example of government overreach.
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McDonald’s is testing out new sweet potato fries in Texas. Makes sense. Most Americans really do feel sweet-deprived.
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Maine voters fhis fall have “Question 1”, a citizen initiative to strengthen the state’s Clean Election Act . It requires more donor transparency, and would allow candidates that are being heavily outspent by their opponents to re-qualify for additional public financing by collecting more small-dollar contributions.
Governor Paul LePage says “that’s like giving my wife my checkbook. I’m telling you, it’s giving your wife your checkbook.”
Wow., that’s misogynistic enough you wonder if LePage is hoping to be a GOP running mate.
President Obama today compared Republicans to #GrumpyCat. Prompting calls for an apology…. from Grumpy Cat.
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While most agree Hillary Clinton is smart, some of the buzzwords used against her are “Machiavellian,” “ambitious,””ruthless,” “duplicitous,” etc.
Just thinking, what if the Dems ran a woman who was just considered smart, sweet, kind and understanding? Then the GOP would say she was naive and by no means tough enough to lead in a tough world of cunning male leader
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes
Tags: ALCS jokes, baseball jokes, election jokes, GOP jokes, Janice Hough, mexico jokes, patricia jokes
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October 22, 2015
In Israel, a cafe owner is offering 50% off to Jewish and Arab customers who eat at the same table. If this catches on maybe some brave restaurant owner in the U.S could do the same for Democrats and Republicans.
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No playoff baseball on TV tonight. So all Americans got to see what it’s like to be a fan without cable.
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Matt Harvey made $614,000 from the NY Mets this year while Jacob deGrom made $556.000. Together they almost equal the 2015 Mets’ salary of Bobby Bonilla – $1,193,000.
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Don Mattingly will not be back next year as manager of the Los Angeles Dodgers. “I am shocked” said nobody.
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It was a pretty painful loss for Michigan last week, but the #SF49ers did all they could tonight to put a smile back on Jim Harbaugh’s face.
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Just thinking when #NFL scheduled the #SF49ers and #Seahawks for #TNF they didn’t expect it would be a battle to get out of #NFCWest cellar
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So apparently Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian have both signed a document asking that their divorce case be dismissed. Uh, just thinking, since Odom’s in a condition where he probably couldn’t legally even consent to sex, how could he make any decisions on his marriage?
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The state of Oregon is suing GNC saying they knowing spiked supposedly all-natural dietary supplements with synthetic drugs. And hundreds of athletes who’ve been caught for various PED’s are saying “See?”
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Your “wanna get away” moment: The Intercontinental Hotel Group printed cards for its elite frequent stay guests, with a special toll free number on the back. But they mistakenly printed 1-800 instead of their toll-free prefix 1-844. So callers to the number ended up with “America’s hottest” phone sex line. Oops.
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You know, between investigating Benghazi and Hillary’s emails, not to mention trying to repeal Obamacare and defund Planned Parenthood, it shouldn’t be surprising that the GOP-ledCongress can’t get anything done – they don’t have time for anything else.
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As the Republicans continue to go after Hillary for the deaths in Benghazi have to wonder, would they be giving her a bit more of a break if after the attack she had gotten Obama to invade Grenada?
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Benghazi committee chair Trey Gowdy when asked what new information they got from today’s 11 hour questioning of Hillary Clinton “In terms her testimony, I don’t know if she testified that differently today than she’s previously testified.”
Well, that’s certainly enough reason to convene another special committee.
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Donald Trump retweeted a tweet saying “Ben Carson is now leading in the polls in Iowa Too much Monsanto in the corn creates issues in the brain?” And of course Iowans were furious.
Now Trump tweeted “the young intern who accidentally did a Retweet apologizes.” Would that be the Donald’s excuse as President if he insults one of our allies?
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A study published in Current Biology found the louder the howler monkey, the smaller his testicles.
Does this really need a punchline?
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Finally, this bus-to-hell item from T.C. “Louisville University has been accused of using strippers and hookers in their recruiting process for their basketball team. Not to be outdone, up until last week, UNLV was toying with the idea of signing Lamar Odom as their basketball ambassador.”
Categories: baseball jokes
Tags: Benghazi jokes, democrat jokes, Dodgers jokes, Mets jokes, Republican jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
October 21, 2015
Guess #BackToTheFuture was as accurate a predictor as all those prophecies of the Rapture. #NLCS #Mets #Cubs
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So did original “Back to the Future” come out during Bartolo Colon’s rookie year? Not quite, but at 12 he was old enough to see it. #Mets
Well, at least this one’s not on Steve Bartman #Cubs #Mets #NLCS
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Joe Biden says he is not running for President, saying there is not enough time to mount an effective campaign. And about a dozen GOP candidates are saying “What’s an effective campaign?”
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Maybe the #Cubs had to lose. With #JoeBiden dropping out of Presidential race, God didn’t want to give comedy writers a 2nd blow in one day
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The Mets’ Daniel Murphy is looking at a big payday next season. But as far as endorsement contracts, just thinking Murphy might be regretting those anti-gay comments he made in March.
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Chris Christie wants to stop flights from NJ to Cuba. Is he afraid too many New Jerseyans will defect.
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United sent out an email today saying they had completed Wi-Fi installations on
791 aircraft, representing 92% of our domestic fleet 91% of our international fleet. And on about half of those planes, the Wi-Fi actually works.
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Texas Monthly wrote this week about a phrase they use in Norway to describe a situation as “totally crazy” – “Helt Texas.” (The literal translation, “quite Texas.”)
Apparently not many Norwegians have been to Florida?
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Former Michigan coach Brady Hoke said he would have have punted on fourth down with 10 seconds left last week against Michigan State. Uh, Brady Hoke wouldn’t have had the lead with 10 seconds left against Michigan State.
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The NHL Columbus Blue Jackets have fired coach Todd Richards after an 0-7 start. Surprised reactions across the country. “Columbus has a hockey team?” and “the NHL has started already?”
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The rumors aren’t going away that Marshawn Lynch was drag racing Seahawks teammate Fred Jackson when he crashed. If true will Lynch’s defense be that he was just in a hurry to get somewhere so he wouldn’t be fined?
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Now that Paul Ryan is making time with his family a requirement for his being Speaker maybe he can use his clout to get the “Family Medical and Insurance Leave” act out of purgatory in the House Ways and Means Committee where it has been languishing this year. Wonder if he knows the chair of the committee? #sarcasm
(Ryan IS the chair of the committee.)
Am trying to imagine what the GOP would do if Hillary Clinton said one non-negotiable thing if she becomes President would be making some time every week for her granddaughter.
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Bristol Palin has apparently come to a child support agreement with her first baby daddy Levi Johnston. Which is probably a good thing, as guessing Bristol won’t be getting that $250,000 plus a year any more as a spokeswoman for abstinence.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes. election jokes
Tags: Cubs jokes, Daniel Murphy jokes, Janice Hough, Mets jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
October 16, 2015
Bevo XIV, a longhorn steer who was the University of Texas mascot, has died from bovine leukemia. But he still might be a part of a memorial BBQ in his honor.
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In Houston, amazingly no one was killed and six workers have been rescued after scaffolding collapsed at an apartment construction site downtown. It was the worst collapse the city has seen except for the Astros bullpen.
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An American Airlines flight was delayed in Dallas by a swam of over a 1,000 bees. On a brighter note, that’s the first time in recent memory the airline has generated serious buzz
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United’s new CEO has been soliciting feedback on the carrier from customers. Now he is apparently in the hospital after suffering a heart attack. Hope this isn’t from the shock of seeing what people think of the airline.
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Fox News terrorism pundit Wayne Simmons was arrested yesterday after a grand jury indicted him on charges of falsely claiming to have been a 27-year CIA operative. Shame grand juries can’t indict for falsely claiming to be a credible presidential candidate.
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So the state of Nevada has at least temporarily outlawed FanDuel and DraftKing, saying that their games are gambling and need a license. So now the only way to gamble in Nevada outside of a casino remains the stock market.
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A little side note on that #Owusu catch. Yes,there was a defensive pass interference flag. #Stanford declined the penalty.
The German football federation says allegations in Der Speigel that it used over 10 million Swiss francs to bribe FIFA members to get the 2006 World Cup are “completely baseless.” Do they mean the idea of bribes or the amount of money?
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Even a mean, blind, deaf and dumb squirrel finds a nut once in a while: Westboro Baptist Church says that they will protest Kim Davis on Monday for her “adultery,” claiming that the county clerk is a “proud, self-righteous hypocrite.”
While he wasn’t arrested Browns’ QB Johnny Manziel was apparently pulled over earlier this week in Cleveland when witnesses saw him arguing with his girlfriend in a car. And Manziel admitted to drinking. So congrats to all those who had October 16 in the pool.
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Joe Biden’s camp is indicating that the V.P. is close to deciding if he will enter the 2016 Presidential race. Even Brett Favre is saying “Dude, make up your effing mind.”
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From T.C. ” Toronto Blue Jays fans pelted the field with objects after a controversial call went against them in game 5 of the ALDS. . Signs will be posted for their next game that patrons will be immediately ejected if they throw any beer cans, soda pop containers or Maple Leaf jerseys onto the field.”
Categories: baseball jokes
Tags: airline jokes, Biden jokes, blue jays jokes, Draftking jokes, johnny manziel, Kim Davis jokes
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October 5, 2015
Oops. With “biblical” flooding in South Carolina, NBC’s weatherman Al Roker has now apologized for tweeting a selfie with him and his crew standing besides a flooded car. Guess it’s not just teenage girls who smartphones can make stupid.
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The Supreme Court today denied to hear San Jose’s claim that MLB has illegally blocked the A’s attempt to move to the South Bay. Maybe the city would have done better if they framed the case as an issue of religious freedom. #ibelieveinthechurchofbaseball
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The CEO of Alaska said the airline lost his checked bag. And over at United they’re thinking “”For the first time? Amateurs.”
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Yankees pitcher C.C. Sabathia has checked himself into alcohol rehab. Shocking. Not that an athlete goes to rehab, but he does it without being arrested first.
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After the Saints OT win yesterday, Texas governor Greg Abbott said the Cowboys’ defense was “more porous than the Texas border.” Surprised he didn’t blame Obama.
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Well, we now have the answer to the question – How are the #Lions going to screw up their chance to win tonight? #MNF #DETvsSEA
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So in close games in the 4th quarter should referees at CenturyLink Field just go ahead & put #Seahawks logo on their uniforms? #DETvsSEA
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American Apparel has filed for bankruptcy. American Apparel is still in business?
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In Tennessee last Saturday, an 11-year-old boy shot and killed an 8-year-old neighbor when the girl wouldn’t let him play with her puppy. #Ifonlyshewerearmed
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So just wondering ,how long until even atheists in SF start calling for #Tebow? #SF49ers
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Louisville men’s basketball coach Rick Pitino, doubling down on his denials of being aware of a former director of basketball operations paying escorts to have sex with players and recruits – “Not myself, not one player, not one trainer, not one assistant, not one person knew anything about any of this. If anyone did, it would have been stopped on a dime. Not one person knew anything about it.”
Not ONE person? Again I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat” better.
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Edward Snowden now is telling the BBC that he’d “volunteered to go to prison with the government many times,” if he returns to the US but had not received a formal plea-deal offer. Guess it says something about life in Russia these days if an American jail is more appealing.
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Last week it came out that the Libertarian candidate for Senate in Florida had sacrificed a goat, now he also admits that in a pagan ritual he drank its blood. Where are the defenders of religious freedom on this one?
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From Marc Ragovin – “After only four games, the Miami Dolphins have axed head coach Bill Philbin. I guess Philbin now sleeps with the fishes.”
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And guest driving on the bus to hell, T.C. “Who knew that CC Sabathia was really CC & Seven Sabathia?”
An American Airlines pilot died last night in the cockpit of a red-eye flight to Boston. You know you’re on the bus to hell when the first thing you think of is “Airplane” jokes.
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Serious thought for a change:
Jerry Brown, a former Jesuit seminarian, signed a bill in California today to allow terminally ill people to end their lives. The Catholic church opposes the bill, and the Governor said did not know what he would do if he were dying and in pain.
“But,I am certain, however, that it would be a comfort to be able to consider the options afforded by this bill. And I wouldn’t deny that right to others.”
Sometimes I think it’s a real shame Moonbeam is too old to run for President.
Categories: airline jokes, As jokes, baseball jokes, cellphone jokes, pitino jokes, snowden jokes, Supreme court jokes, texas jokes
Tags: #cantfixstupid, A's jokes, airline jokes, baseball jokes, Janice Hough, Snowden jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
August 12, 2015
In an effort to conserve water, Los Angeles poured almost 100,000 four-inch black plastic “shade” balls over their reservoir. So the city doesn’t have the Raiders yet, but the “black hole” is ready
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This Donald Trump-Megyn Kelly back and forth bickering is getting so bad, you’d think they used to be married to each other.
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So since Fox News got such kudos for the tough questions at the first GOP debate, clearly the pressure is on CNN for October with the Democrats. And since he’s not doing anything, can I suggest as a moderator Jon Stewart?
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Billy Joel, 66, and his wife Alexa, 33, have welcomed their first child, Della Rose. Wonder how long until Billy and Della can compete in their first father-daughter diaper derby.
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Uzbekistan Airways says they will start weighing passengers at the airport, and on some flights they may need to “exclude” larger passengers. U.S airlines are no doubt studying the idea, not to exclude heavier travelers but to charge them extra.
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Not that it affects me anymore, but what is this “back-to-school” crap in mid-August? Used to be Labor Day. Seems un-American to make kids go to class in the summer. #justsayin
Donald Trump said that when Bernie Sanders let #BlackLivesMatter protesters take his microphone that Sanders “showed that he’s weak.” As opposed to the Donald himself whose mantra is simply #MyLifeMatters.
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The Buffalo Bills have claimed IK Enemkpali off waivers after he was released by the Jets for punching Geno Smith. Guess coach Rex Ryan just wants to make sure he has one defender who can hit?
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An ESPN poll of more than 100 currently players found that 72% believe that Brady and the Patriots deflated footballs, but only 58% DON’T believe the Patriots cheat. Translation, sounds like there are a lot of teams messing with balls.
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An SF 49ers season ticket holder is suing the team over a new policy which makes it harder on fans trying to sell unused tickets by requiring most sales to go through Ticketmaster.
Wonder how long it might take for 49ers season ticket holder to sue the team over it being harder to sell unused tickets because of the product on the field.
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Major layoffs have started with the Kraft-Heinz merger. Hope Heinz 57 isn’t a goal for remaining number of employees.
Seriously hoping for the best for #JimmyCarter.. Absolutely our best ex-president. No joke.
Lots of accolades for former President Jimmy Carter today after his cancer announcement. But for those who just think Habitat for Humanity and vague do-good human rights stuff, four words – google “Carter guinea worm.”
From Bill Littlejohn, “So now, we have a wild controversy involving Donald Trump and Megyn Kelly of Fox News.With all of that hairspray involved, shouldn’t the NFL also be investigating a helmet-to-helmet collision.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, Billy joel jokes, Fox News jokes, Janice Hough, Los Angeles jokes, Megyn Kelly jokes, NFL jokes, Trump jokes
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August 7, 2015
Perhaps the highest tribute I can pay to Jon Stewart is that it is now hard to imagine the news without Jon Stewart.
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We opine about who might be the next Jon Stewart. But before Jon Stewart we didn’t know there was that position to be filled.
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Tuesday – SF 49ers GM Trent Baalke “Aldon’s like any young player, he’s growing up, he’s maturing. You see that with a lot of these guys…” Friday – Aldon Smith has been arrested for a third DUI in four years, along with alleged hit and run and vandalism. So how about those Raiders?
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The SF 49ers have now released their All-Pro pash rusher Aldon Smith. Too soon to start a pool on what defensively-challenged team will decide this young man deserves a fifth or sixth chance?
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The San Francisco 49ers have canceled plans to allow 20,000 fans to watch the team practice at Levi’s Stadium Sunday, due to poor turf conditions and thus the field not being ready. And 40 miles north, it might be the wind, or you might hear the ghost of Candlestick Park laughing.
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The turf at Levi’s Stadium is looking like a serious long-term problem. Fortunately the 49ers seem certain to give the field a long break from usage in the playoff weeks leading up to the 2016 Super Bowl.
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Vanderbilt University has pulled a tweet with the football slogan “We Don’t Need Your Permission.” And they’re supposed to be the smart ones in the SEC?
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Kim Kardashian and Kanye West plan to name their new son “Easton.” I see a new marketing opportunity with Southwest Airlines. #wannagetaway
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So last night’s GOP debate was the most watched primary debate ever. Now it’s making sense; more people tuned in to see Trump than were probably watching his “Apprentice” TV shows.
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Who won the first #GOPDebate debate? Answer seems pretty obvious – advertisers on FOX News. #ratings
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John Kasich said last night that while he believes in “traditional marriage” he accepts the Supreme Court decision, and actually recently went to the wedding of a gay friend. Is Kasich trying hard to prove he is too reasonable to get the GOP nomination?
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For anyone who didn’t know Carly Fiorina before yesterday and was impressed by her debate performance, three words: Google “demon sheep”
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#UniversityofMinnesota AD resigned after being accused by co-workers of groping and sexting them. Cue “Golden Groper” jokes. #goldengophers
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A belated suggestion for Chris Christie when Rand Paul slammed him for giving Obama a “big hug.” So why didn’t the NJ Governor turn around and answer “Senator, when the President of the United States shows up in your state after a major natural disaster, bringing money and the Federal government’s resources to help, the question should be, why DON’T you hug him or her. Because that is no time for partisan politics.”
The US Coast Guard caught a semi-submersible vessel and seized six tons of cocaine off the coast of Mexico. Although they admittedly lost two more tons of the coke while trying to tow the sub ashore. Sounds like it’s going to be a high tide.
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Donald Trump’s campaign now says they believe Fox News is part of ‘an organized attack’ designed to stop his ‘movement.’ Oh, this awful GOP on GOP violence. (No, I can’t quite say that with a straight face. )
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In Michigan. State Rep. Todd Courser was allegedly having an affair with Rep. Cindy Gamrat. Both are “family values” Republicans married to other people. So just your average political hypocrisy.
But now Mr .Courser is alleged to used taxpayer money to have come up with a fake email alleging he had sex with a male prostitute. The idea being to create a “complete smear campaign”, which could be debunked, and would then make the actual affair seem “mild by comparison.” #youREALLYcannotmakethisstuffup
From my funny friend, Alex Kaseberg, “A new poll has Eleanor Roosevelt as the top choice to be the woman on the $10. Of course Kanye West thinks it should be Beyonce.”
Categories: baseball jokes
Tags: 49ers jokes, AldonSmith jokes, Carly Fiorina jokes, dailyshow jokes, GOP debate jokes, Jon Stewart jokes, kasich jokes, levi's stadiums jokes, vanderbilt jokes
Comments: 5 Comments
August 6, 2015
For television viewers, Wednesday night on NBC was “America’s Got Talent.” Thursday night the debate on Fox was the rebuttal.
The Fox News GOP debate was at Quicken Loans Arena, home of the Cleveland Cavaliers. And much of it was as painful to watch as Lebron’s “The Decision.”
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To be fair, Donald Trump says he wanted the GOP debate tonight to be on a “high level.” As in you needed to be high to watch it?
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Carly Fiorina, at the “kid’s table” debate. “. “[T]he potential of this nation and too many Americans is being crushed by the weight, the power, the cost, the complexity, the ineptitude, the corruption of the federal government.” And if elected I promise to do for America what I did for Hewlett Packard…. Oh wait, never mind.
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A few of the exchanges between, for example, Chris Christie and Rand #Paul made me almost sorry that this #GOPDebate was probably a gun-free zone.
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Wonder how many GOP voters watched the debate and were wishing they could vote for #MegynKelly.
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#Trump invokes #RonaldReagan. Is #Reagan rolling over in grave or laughing becuz he knows he was much less conservative than his disciples
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Scott Walker talking about unborn children needing to be protected. And of course the Wisconsin governor has fought his own party over cutting $238,000 million for child advocacy centers. Oh wait, the GOP over-ruled him, they REINSTATED money Walker wanted to cut. #nevermind
Mike Huckabee “The purpose of the military is kill people and break things.” Somewhere Teddy Roosevelt IS rolling over in his grave. #speaksoftlykillpeopleandbreakthings? #GOPDebate
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Boston mayor Martin J. Walsh wants to ban chewing tobacco from all ballparks in the city, amateur and professional. Well, with this year’s Red Sox team Walsh doesn’t need to add that “professional” part.
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Two men were arrested at an Iowa Taco Bell and charged with allegedly manufacturing methamphetamine in the restaurant. Stand by for the AMC sequel “Breaking Wind.”
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President Obama today warned it’s either the Iran deal, or “some sort of war.” And many Republicans responded “You say ‘war” like it’s a bad thing.”
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Arby’s ran ads on the penultimate “Daily Show with Jon Stewart,” despite all the knocks the comedian has given them over the years. Well, makes a certain about of sense, with Stewart everyone knew Arby’s was still in business.
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A Regent Seven Seas 128 day around-the-world cruise, costing more than $100,000 a couple, had 70% percent of the cabins booked on the first day of sales. The company president stated this was a testament to their belief that “guests … want unique, different, and rich destination experiences.” Well, “rich” for sure.
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Now it’s come out that Russians apparently hacked some Pentagon emails. Hillary Clinton might be looking smarter and smarter with that private server.
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No lyin -Great thought from Paul Chessin, brother of my FB friend Steve: “So, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service wants to talk to Dr. Walter Palmer but can’t find him because he’s “hiding”? Maybe they should get a trophy game animal, put it in a car, and, you know, lure him out.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes
Tags: Chris Christie jokes, debate jokes, Fiorina jokes, GOP debate jokes, GOPdebate jokes, janicehough, Red Sox jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
July 30, 2015
The New York Mets‘ Wilmer Flores cried on the field Thursday night thinking he was traded. But social media turned out to be wrong. Wonder how many Phillies will cry Friday night realizing they HAVEN’T been traded.
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A day after they had their shortstop in tears over a trade that didn’t happen, the Mets blew a 6 run lead and had to sit through four hours of rain delays in losing to the Padres 8-7. Maybe God doesn’t like crying in baseball.
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Money money money money….. From the LA Times, with the trade of Hector Olivera, in 2015 alone, “the Dodgers would pay seven players — Olivera, Matt Kemp, Dan Haren, Dee Gordon, Brian Wilson, Brandon League and Ryan Webb — $80 million not to play for them. The Tampa Bay Rays had an opening-day payroll of $76 million”
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The LA Dodgers did get Mat Latos. Well, it’s a good fit. He will show up for his first pitching appearance at AT&T Park with a ready made booing section. #IhateSF #Theyhateyoutoo
Waiting for Mat Latos to say about his new team, we “went and changed our whole lineup, put guys with ‘Dodgers’ across their jerseys. Yeah, we did.”
(for those who don’t follow baseball, Latos complained loudly in 2010 that the SF Giants had made too many trades in their pursuit of his Padres. With almost the exact same words above. And then he went out and lost some very big games to SF.)
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Urban Meyer has suspended four players, including star DE Joey Bosa, for Ohio State’s first game against Virginia Tech, due to “violations of athletic department policy,” Wow. So Meyer figure out a way to wait to suspend them until the Buckeyes’ second game against Hawaii? The Hokies must not have much of a team this year.
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Looks like there may finally be some sad closure for MH 370. Over at CNN they’re trying not to be too gleeful over the possibility of another month at least of “Special Reports.”
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Jose Canseco says that to show his support for Caitlyn Jenner he “will be dressing up and living as a woman for a week,” And he will feature his week as a woman on his new internet show “Spend a Day with Jose.”
Canseco is not trying to be Caitlyn Jenner, he’s trying to be a Kardashian. #publicitywhore
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Many people are still stunned by the news that Patriots Tom Brady actually thought it was a good idea to destroy his phone. Of course, Brady didn’t have the option to hand it off to Marshawn Lynch.
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A new Presidential election poll says Bernie Sanders would beat Donald Trump. Heck, Jed Bartlett would beat Trump. Come to think of it, what is Martin Sheen doing these days?
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Now the U.S. Government is getting involved. The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service tweeted today – “We’re investigating the killing of #CecilTheLion. Will go where facts lead. We ask Dr. Palmer or his rep to contact USFWS immediately.”
As awful as the story is, maybe it will lead to changes. Certainly it’s got to be one of the few times when the Obama administration has at least 80% bipartisan agreement in this country.
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Okay, leaving aside the serious larger issues, have to wonder, how were the University of Cincinnati cops dumb enough both to KNOW the shooting of Samuel DuBose was on video tape with an audio, and still to think they’d get away with lying? #cantfixstupid
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Canseco jokes, cecilthelion, Dodgers jokes, Janice Hough, Mets jokes, MH370 jokes, SFGiants jokes, trade deadline jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
July 17, 2015
On Thursday, Obama became the first sitting president to visit a federal prison, a medium-security facility in Oklahoma. Probably a better idea than one in Illinois, where the President would have been too likely to run into former political colleagues.
Senator John McCain said of Donald Trump’s anti-immigration rally in Arizona – he “fired up the crazies.” Well, and if anyone knows crazy, it’s the man who wanted to give us Vice President Sarah Palin.
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Donald Trump’s polling numbers are so good that the GOP may start to take him seriously. In fact, in hopes of giving him some idea of what it actually might like to be President many Republicans want to send Trump on a weekend hunting trip with Dick Cheney.
Florida State says they will require student-athletes to be required to take a course in social responsibilities, one that “would give them some additional background in consequences of actions.” And I’m sure Seminoles’ football players will give the course the same high standard of attention they give to all their classes.
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Dodgers Nationals were in a game delay due to a bank of lights going out at Nationals Park. Maybe teams should call Congress – they have plenty of experience working in the dark.
And then the Dodgers Nationals game was suspended in the sixth inning tonight after a third power outage. And Mets fans are thinking, haven’t we been in a power outage since the April?
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For #TBT, Kim Kardashian decided to repost a 2010 magazine picture of herself nude in a pool of silver paint. It’s going to be so much fun when North West his puberty. #youregoingoutlookinglikethat? #karmaisameanbitch
J.J. Watt, in an interview cautioning high school athletes, “Read each tweet about 95 times before sending it Look at every Instagram post about 95 times before you send it. A reputation takes years and years and years to build, and it takes one press of a button to ruin. So don’t let that happen to you. Just be very smart about it.”
All good advice, assuming these athletes can count to 95.
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Australian tennis player Bernard Tomic, 22, was arrested at the W Hotel in Miami Beach, after there were multiple complaints about a raucous party in his penthouse suite, and he ignored police requests to turn down the music. Uh, just how loud do you have to be to be too loud for South Beach?
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A police raid Friday at a home of an Orlando city commissioner has apparently found both drugs and guns. Your move, Louisiana.
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A rain delay means that Tiger Woods did not complete his second round Friday and will have to finish up Saturday morning. So even God decided He/She really wanted to see Tiger play on the weekend?
From Bill Littlejohn, “In 1930, Clayton Kershaw’s great-uncle, Clyde Tombaugh, discovered Pluto. Fitting, because that’s where Kershaw’s curveball disappears to in the post-season.”
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While the vast majority of American Muslims are good law-abiding citizens, some people are calling for increased surveillance and profiling of Muslims because individuals have committed horrific crimes. So if the object is to prevent crimes, then presumably those same people should be calling for increased surveillance and profiling of gun owners…?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes
Tags: Dodgers jokes, Donald Trump jokes, Florida State jokes, Janice Hough, Kardashian jokes, McCain jokes, Obama jokes, Tiger Woods jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
July 16, 2015
President Obama will be in New York City Friday night, and the FAA has issued a no fly zone over Manhattan. Which won’t affect commercial flights, but will force wealthy folks heading to the Hamptons to take ground transportation instead of private helicopters. “I feel so sorry for them,” said no one in 99.9% of the population.
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Interesting, all the talk about Caitlyn Jenner. But if we’re talking LGBT acceptance, the U.S. women’s soccer team has both gay and straight players, and it doesn’t seem to affect their chemistry OR performance.
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Apparently this season has seen a big increase in the number of NL managers who are batting their pitcher 8th in the lineup. The SF Giants’ Madison Bumgarner is not pleased with this trend. He thinks he should bat at least 6th.
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Here’s a serious idea for a change. Let’s change the MLB trade deadline to during the All-Star break. Would make it easier for players to get to their new teams. And would give sports fans something more interesting to follow during the break than NBA summer league scores.
Mark Cuban is now proposing that the NBA playoffs be expanded to 10 teams per conference. Right, so teams like the Indiana Pacers would be spared the heartache of just missing the playoffs with a 38-44 record.
Josh Smith has left the Rockets for the Clippers, signing for $1.5 million, the veteran minimum, and reportedly told a source he chose “winning over money?” So Smith is bad at history, statistics AND math?
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The Tennessee Highway Safety Office is pulling the “100 Days of Summer Heat Booze It and Lose It Campaign” which was intended to keep young men from drinking too much, with had posters and coasters with messages like this
“After a few drinks the girls look hotter and the music sounds better. Just remember: If your judgment is impaired, so is your driving.”
“Buy a drink for a marginally good looking girl only to find out she’s chatty, clingy and your boss’s daughter. If this sounds like something you would do, your judgment is impaired and so is your driving.”
The only question. Who thought this was a good idea in the first place?
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New Jersey is considering a lottery, open only to state college students and alumni, where the winner would get all their student loan debt paid off. Great, so if they don’t know enough already, students can go further into debt buying lottery tickets.
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As we approach the 2nd half of the MLB season, Vegas has updated their odds for this years World Series winner- with the favorites being the Royals, Cardinals, Nationals and Dodgers. The Phillies are last 5000-1.
Note to anything thinking of betting on the Phillies. try something with better odds. Like buying a Powerball lottery ticket.
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But really, a 5,000 to 1 bet on the Phillies now to win the World Series? Or for that matter 250 to 1 on the Brewers, or even 50-1 on the Red Sox? In all of these and more case, when they’re saying “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,” clearly they’re talking about your money.
Apparently Vegas sports books are quite worried about the Royals and Astros, as they stand to pay out big bucks if either team, lightly regarded in the preseason, wins the World Series. But on the other hand, MGM properties report 4,000 bets placed on the Cubs, more than double that on any other team. #youlosesomeyouwinsome
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TLC has officially cancelled “19 kids and counting.” Anybody here actually watch the show in the first place?
From T.C. Russell Wilson’s new sweetie, Ciara, sang the anthem at All Star game. It was suggested that he could hand off the microphone to her.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: #Caitlyn Jenner jokes, baseball jokes, betting jokes, Cubs jokes, Duggars jokes, Janice Hough, jersey jokes, NBA jokes, trade deadline jokes, Vegas jokes
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Left Coast Sports Babe 