Archive for the ‘political jokes’ category
June 27, 2015
The SF Giants posted this temporary change in their logo today. Clearly not aiming to have more games televised this season on Fox.
Think some of these GOP Presidential candidates might be thinking carefully about going off on the Supreme Court today. They never know when they might need #SCOTUS to deliver them an election.
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Scott Walker is upset about today’s Supreme Court gay marriage decision, lambasting “five unelected judges.” Right, it’s “five unelected judges,” when he doesn’t like the decision, and “defenders of our freedom” for things like Citizens United and Hobby Lobby.
Mike Huckabee “The Supreme Court can no more repeal the laws of nature and nature’s God on marriage than it can the law of gravity.” – Wait a minute, Huckabee believes in gravity?
So trying to think how this gay marriage decision really can hurt any heterosexual couples. Well, except for those procrastinators who were interested in planning last minute summer weddings at popular venues. #competition
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The latest public figure comment on the Confederate flag “I think it’s offensive to an entire race. It does nothing for anybody to be there flying, so I don’t see any reason. It belongs in the history books and that’s about it.”- Dale Earnhardt Jr.
Forget governors and senators, now we’re talking a man Southerners really respect.
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Anheuser-Busch lost a class-action lawsuit over Beck’s beer, and will have to pay customers up to $50 each. The company allegedly tricked customers into paying more for an actual import beer, because the Beck’s label says “originated in Bremen, Germany,” and only in the small print does it say brewed in the US.
Wonder how much Anheuser-Busch will have to pay when some one sues them for selling Bud Light as actual beer.
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Donald Trump will finally report for jury duty in August, after being fined for ignoring five summonses in nine years. Only the little people serve on juries?
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A a news conference, Philadelphia Phillies’ manager, Ryne Sandberg announced he is resigning and leaving the team. And Phillies’ season ticket holders are thinking “you can do that?”
From T.C. Ballot stuffing has resulted in 8 Kansas City starters voted onto the AL All Star team. As the winner of the event gets World Series home games advantage, wouldn’t it be wiser for KC fans to vote in the entire Phillies team instead?
Scott Walker on Wednesday signed two bills, one eliminating a 48 hour waiting period for buying a gun, allowing off-duty or retired police officers to carry concealed weapons at public schools.
Alas, while Google now allows you “un-send” an email sent in anger, they haven’t figured out how to “un-fire” a bullet.
And guess Walker never heard, for one example, of the retired officer in Florida who shot and killed a man for texting in the theater?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: gay marriage jokes, Huckabee jokes, Janice Hough, marriage jokes, rainbow jokes, scalia jokes, SF Giants jokes, Supreme Court jokes
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June 23, 2015
Now Rand Paul and Donald Trump have joined the call to take Confederate flags down and put them “in a museum” Guess it’s hard to ignore the way the wind’s blowing when it becomes a full-fledged hurricane.
Gamecocks coach Steve Spurrier, who has indicated his distaste for that “damn Confederate flag” before, today tweeted “The South Carolina football team, players and coaches strongly support Governor Haley’s decision to remove the flag from the capitol.”
Well, so now we’ve finally got a statement from one of the REALLY powerful men in the state.
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Regarding Trump’s decision to speak up against the Confederate flag, did that furry thing that lives on his head whisper in his ear? #combingaround?
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Virginia Governor Terry McAuliffe says he is also immediately taking steps tio remove the Confederate flag from state specialty license plates. Don’t get me wrong, I think all this getting rid of the flags is a good idea. But it is also all a lot easier than dealing with the gun problem.
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Rush Limbaugh is now proclaiming that removing the Confederate flag is about “destroying the south” Actually Limbaugh should be sending flowers to the politicians in South Carolina as no doubt their actions will increase the number of angry white men who listen to him.
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Rapper Diddy (Sean Combs), whose son plays football at UCLA, was arrested for attacking a coach with a kettlebell weight. Talk about helicopter parents, this guy was trying to be more of a bomber plane parent.
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Gmail has a new feature, “undo send,” which allows users to delay emails 5-30 seconds so they can be canceled and retrieved, Of course, if you’re mad (or drunk) enough to send an email you’ll later regret, hard to imagine calming down (or sobering up) enough in 30 seconds to change your mind.
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Okay, clearly there are more important issues in the world. But regarding these pleas from teams to vote for their potential All-Star players “Vote 35 times right now.”
So how in the world did they come up with 35 as the magic number. Even in Chicago folks are thinking that’s excessive.
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The Minnesota State Fair has released its list of new foods for 2015. Including caramel chocolate-dipped bacon ice cream bars, mac and cheese cupcakes, and a burger dog with hot dogs, hamburger meat, bacon, cheese and peppers on a bun. And no doubt ticket stubs from the fair will be good for a discount at your friendly cardiologist.
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Iowa is granting permits to acquire or carry guns in public to people who are legally or completely blind. Texas and Florida are thinking “Why didn’t we think of that?”
New York City is apparently probing Whole Foods Markets over allegedly overcharging customers for the last five years. Uh, isn’t overcharging customers part of Whole Foods’ mission statement?
Oops, Russell Athletic apparently accidentally produced some maroon and white jerseys with both Mississippi State and Texas A&M logos on them. Were they counting on fans at each school not being able to read?
This bus-to-hell moment brought to you by Marc Ragovin: “Dick Van Patten (1928-2015) has passed away. I guess 86 was enough. “
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Confederate flag jokes, flag jokes, Florida jokes, Janice Hough, Limbaugh jokes, South Carolina jokes, Trump jokes, voting jokes, Whole Foods jokes
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June 21, 2015
Goldman Sachs has announced that they will tell banking interns to leave the office by midnight and not return before 7 a.m., and to take Saturdays off. By high-tech startup standards that’s practically turning them into slackers.
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Dr. John Hagee, a San Antonio pastor, said there ‘there is no greater sin in terms of wrongly using God’s name than women who use it during sex. .That is one of the filthiest, most derogatory and sinful uses of the Lord’s name I can think of. If it were up to me, I would put every single woman or girl who does that in jail,’ Leaving aside the fact that he didn’t mention men, just guessing Hagee has no personal experience of a woman crying out anything while having sex with him.
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Finally, a weekend without professional basketball. Makes sense though, the NBA had to finish before Father’s Day. #somanychildrensolittletime
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Greg Oden is attempting another NBA comeback. Might be worth the risk for more than a few teams. And, hey, his health insurance will be covered by Medicare.
Have to think that non-golf fans who turned into the #USOpen2015 & heard comments about “greens” were thinking “what exactly was “green” about them?”
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Is there any stupider thing in sports for spectators to yell than “Get in the hole?” #USOpen2015
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Hard to believe, but Jordan Spieth is young enough that actually he could be Tiger Woods’ son. (He’s 21 to Tiger’s 39.) #theygrowupsofast
From T.C. “Somebody hired a plane that sported a banner “CHEATER” to follow Tiger’s group at the US Open. A fan thought he saw two blond women flying the aircraft. ”
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Judy Shalom Nir-Mozas, the of Israel’s Interior Minister tweeted an “inappropriate joke” Sunday about Barack Obama, then deleted it and apologized. One thing about social media, if you’re an idiot, instead of that knowledge being confined to your family and friends, you can tell the whole world in a matter of minutes.
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Just making it clear. I have and will continue to make posts referring to the “Charleston terrorist.” I am not going to give the SOB any more of the notoriety he clearly sought by using his given name. If we’re going to use names at all it should be the names of the victims.
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Lastly, Happy Father’s Day to my dad, Jerry Hough. He once gave me a lecture because my 2nd grade teacher said I was too quiet and never spoke up in class. Who said kids never learn from their parents?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Goldman Sachs jokes, Janice Hough, NBA jokes, Twitter jokes, US open jokes
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June 18, 2015
Warriors coach Steve Kerr says after the Warriors victory parade Friday, “I just want to sit on my couch and watch the U.S. Open and drink beer.” Well, for the last two rounds maybe Kerr can invite Tiger Woods to join him,
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Apparently in the 24 hours after the Golden State Warriors won the NBA championship, a record amount of gear was sold. Wonder if for an extra charge manufacturers could make the shirts etc look like fans had been wearing them for a while.
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Donald Trump apparently offered actors $50 each to show up and cheer for him as he announced his run for the Presidency.. Aha, NOW I see the Donald’s jobs plan… imagine how many people he will have to hire to show up at his various campaign events.
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For the first time since 1970, McDonald’s is closing more restaurants than they are opening in the U.S. Because in an era of pizza with hot dogs and XXL grilled stuffed burritos, their offerings aren’t fattening enough for Americans anymore?
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An American tourist, 27, is in stable condition with bite wounds at a Cancun hospital. This after the man, while allegedly drunk, ignored England and Spanish warning signs and climbed the barbed-wire fence of a crocodile enclosure at the Iberostar resort…. And once again, Darwin is thinking “missed it by THAT much.” #cantfixstupid
Maybe SF Giants fans should be happy at least Sandoval left before we got these “Panda being Panda” stories. He was benched for tonight’s game after “liking” a young woman’s pictures on Instagram last night during the game. Said he was in the bathroom at the time…..
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A little inside baseball for SF Giants fans.
#Panda who? #McGehee who? #Duffy does it again. #SFGiants
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Astros’ GM Luhnow is denying reports that alleged Cardinals’ hackers got into the Astros database because he hadn’t changed his password(s). But have to wonder how many other people in baseball who have changed teams in the past just changed their passwords.
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And now back to the serious stuff. Don’t worry. I’m not going to stay with this much serious stuff for long. Though it would be nice to dream that maybe THIS time some things might actually change…. No joke.
The NY Times is reporting that the alleged Charleston terrorist was arrested and banned from a local mall in Feb. 2015 after he alarmed security guards by asking questions at stores about employees and when they left the mall. Then he was arrested again two months later at the mall, and jailed for 12 days. Clearly a troubled young man. And his dad decided that a good birthday present for him was a gun?!!!
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Well, that didn’t take long. FoxNews.com already has an editorial saying that if churches weren’t gun-free zones, last night’s ” horrible tragedy…probably could have been avoided.”
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And now it also comes out that last week the alleged Charleston terrorist told friends and neighbors at the park that “he was looking to kill a bunch of people on Wednesday.” And his roommate said the guy has been talking about “something like that for six months.”“He was big into segregation and other stuff.. He said he wanted to start a civil war. He said he was going to do something like that and then kill himself.”
But they thought he was joking. We’ve been taught to take suicide threats seriously, seems like it’s time to do the same with comments about killing. Even TSA, as much as we joke about them, would have stopped him for those words.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, Cardinals jokes, Darwin awards, Darwin jokes, Janice Hough, McDonalds jokes, Sandoval jokes, Trump jokes, Warriors jokes
Comments: 5 Comments
June 12, 2015
A new “soda” law in San Francisco will require this warning label “WARNING: Drinking beverages with added sugar(s) contributes to obesity. diabetes and tooth decay.” And apparently Starbucks’ Frappucino’s are sugary enough for the label. So what’s next? Requiring the warnings on the sugar packets you put into your coffee?
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In Texas, the two little girls whose lemonade stand was shut down for not having a permit are reopening after discovering a loophole: They can give the lemonade away free and just ask for donations. I think we may have found two future leaders of the state.
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Actual sign out front of an Arkansas liquor store. “School’s out. Welcome parents!”
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University of Missouri fraternities are planning to ban hard liquor starting in the fall. So is this policy change sponsored by Anheuser Busch?
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Apparently ABC cameras caught LeBron James accidentally exposing himself while he adjusted his shorts just before Game 4 of the NBA Finals. Hmm, so it’s not enough to be a basketball star, James is angling to be part of a future Super Bowl halftime show?
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96 years ago on Friday Congress passed the 19th amendment giving women the right to vote. Wonder given some of the rhetoric from conservative men in the U.S. If you could get that amendment ratified today?
The Indianapolis Colts have been taking some heat for the new “2014 AFC Finalist” banner they just hung at Lucas Oil Stadium. Even though the team lost 45-7 to the Patriots. Waiting for someone from the Colts to respond “Our pride is undeflated.”
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An Ohio man is planning to challenge the St. Louis Zoo’s no weapons policy by carrying a gun into the zoo Saturday. Can someone please hide a few of those “trespassers will be eaten” signs?
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The President of an NAACP chapter in Spokane has been outed by her parents as Caucasian. So will this start a debate about people’s right to be “trans-race?”
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I wish this were the Onion. It’s now come out that Marco Rubio was one of five current members of Congress who voted for a 2001 Florida bill, signed by Jeb Bush, that required any single mother trying to put their babies up for adoption to post details about their recent sex partners. (The idea being to support the rights of potential biological fathers.) #Prolifemyass
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Lebron jokes, nanny law jokes, sugar jokes, Texas jokes
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June 10, 2015
Rumor has it that Homer and Marge Simpson will “legally separate” in this season’s premier of the long running cartoon show. Wow. The damage that legalizing gay marriage does to traditional marriage knows no bounds.
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The South’s Royal palace. Home of “the King.”. (No, it’s not Lebron.)
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Elvis Presley was 25 when he met and started hanging out with his future wife. She was 14. #differenttimes
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So the way the Cleveland Cavaliers are dropping like flies how long until Lebron James puts an ad on Craigslist for potential game 6 or 7 teammates?
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Elon Musk says that Tesla will have self-driving cars within 3 years. Wonder if the more you pay for the model the more the car will act like it’s being driven by an a**hole?
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Torii Hunter, who was thrown out of the Twins-Royals game for arguing a called third, apparently threw his batting gloves, elbow pad, shin guard AND jersey on the field after his ejection. And here some tantrum fans worried instant replay would do away with such exhibitions.
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R.I.P Vincent Musetto, 74. Who? Musetto was a retired NY Post editor. Who might have written the best headline of all time – “Headless body in topless bar.”
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Four tourists, including a brother and sister from Canada, have been arrested for stripping naked on a Malaysian mountain. Locals they say they angered the tribal spirits and caused a recent deadly earthquake, Wow. How often do you hear “Ah those ugly Canadians!”?”
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Pat Robertson, when asked why God would allow a baby to die in the hospital responded. “As far as God’s concerned, he knows the answer from the beginning. And he sees the little baby, and that little baby could grow up to be Adolf Hitler… . He could grow up to be some serial killer. Or he could grow up to die of a hideous disease. God sees all that. And for that life to be terminated when he’s still a baby, he’s going to be with God forever in heaven. And that isn’t a bad thing.”
How come people like Robertson never use that line of reasoning with abortions?
No Panda, no Morse. No power free agent signing. Did someone forget to tell the SF Giants that they were supposed to play small ball?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, NBA finals jokes, Pat Robertson jokes, SF Giants jokes, Simpsons jokes, tesla jokes
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June 2, 2015
The Stanley Cup Finals between the Blackhawks and the Lightning start Wednesday night in Tampa. Scalpers should have a field day. If for no other reason than when it’s 90 degrees and 90 percent humidity, ANY excuse to sit inside with ice should be a hot ticket.
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Not saying Florida isn’t exactly a hockey mecca. But when random Floridians were asked if they were watching the Lightning, most of them responded “I didn’t even hear the thunder.”
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Sepp Blatter is retiring as President of FIFA, Translation, one of the officials arrested has made an immunity plea deal.
June 5 is National Doughnut Day, so Dunkin’ Donuts and Krispy Kreme will give away freebies on Friday. Wonder how much of the cost will be underwritten by Weight Watchers?
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As this FIFA mess expands, you’d think that if they really wanted to do corruption on a grand scale and not be caught, these international football types would have hired someone from America’s NCAA.
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So is everyone at FIFA in Sepp-tic shock? #Blatter
Two months into a seven month abalone season, the sixth person this year has died while diving for the precious mollusk off the Northern California coast, How long until the NRA calls for divers to be armed?
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Now Ohio governor John Kasich is heading to Iowa to make a speech to an economic development group in Des Moines At this point if all those ballplayers tried to come out of the cornfields they’d trip over presidential candidates.
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Mike Huckabee, dismissing trangenders. “Now, I wish that someone told me that when I was in high school that I could have felt like a woman when it came time to take showers in PE. I’m pretty sure that I would have found my feminine side and said, ‘Coach, I think I’d rather shower with the girls today.'”
Kind of makes sense that some of these clowns don’t believe in evolution. Because they are their own best argument against it. #cantfixstupid
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So the Duggars are apparently TLC’s 5th reality show hild molestation scandal, following issues with “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” “Sons of Guns,” “Cheer Perfection,”, and “Cake Boss.” Who knew that TLC stood for “Touching Little Children?”
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An official at Poly Prep, an expensive private NYC school, has been placed on indefinite leave after reports that he included alcohol, cigars and hookers on a trip to Cuba for students. Meanwhile, have to wonder how many boys have been pleading with their parents to let them apply to the school.
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So the American tourist killed by a lion in the South African Safari Park was taking pictures with all the windows down when she was attacked. Wonder if the lion was hungry, or if big cats too have had enough of selfie sticks?
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Another thought on the woman mauled to death by a lion at a Safari Park. Sad that she died just for rolling down a window. On the other hand, as anyone who has cats knows, you can store their favorite food indefinitely in the house…but open a can where they can smell it, and it’s all over.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, Blatter jokes, Duggars jokes, FIFA jokes, Florida jokes, hockey jokes, Huckabee jokes, Janice Hough, lion jokes, Stanley Cup jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
June 1, 2015
Donald Trump, who is expected to formally announce later this month that he is running for President, told an interviewer “I have an absolute way of defeating ISIS, and it would be decisive and quick and it would be very beautiful. Very surgical.”
When asked what it was, the Donald replied. “If I tell you right now, everyone else is going to say: “Wow, what a great idea.” You’re going to have 10 candidates going to use it and they’re going to forget where it came from. Which is me.”
So if Trump doesn’t get elected he’s not going to tell the world ever as punishment for regretting him?
Bruce Jenner has announced that as a woman she will be known as Caitlyn, and appeared on the cover of Vanity Fair with gorgeous auburn tresses. Well, fortunately there’s enough money in the family Caitlyn will never need to have a bad hair day.
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Have to root for #CaitlynJenner if for no other reason than she appears to be knocking Kim Kardashian’s latest pregnancy out of the headlines.
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The Surpreme Court rules in favor of a young Muslim woman who sued Abercrombie and Fitch when they didn’t hire her because she said she had to wear a head scarf. Good for the Court. But have to wonder, if you are religious enough to wear a hijab, why would you want to work at Abercrombie and Fitch?
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An American woman was killed at a South African Safari Park when she and her husband ignored signs and written instructions NOT to drive through with their car windows open, and she was bitten by a lion. An Australian man survived a lion bite in March when he too drove through with a window open.
Perhaps the Safari Park needs to change their strategy. Instead of warnings, just post “Visitors who drive through with open windows will reduce our lion food bill.” #cantfixstupid
CNN points out that Lindsey Graham would be the first bachelor elected President since 1886. And that Grover Cleveland was accused of having a “love child.” Actually might help Graham to have rumors of an illegitimate kid.
KFC is suing some Chinese companies and demanding an apology over a social media campaign against KFC food, including a rumor that their chickens are genetically modified to have six wings and eight legs. But really, who would believe that KFC uses actual chicken?
After TSA agents failed to detect fake bombs in 67 out of 70 test cases, the acting head of the agency was reassigned. Homeland Security officials said in a statement – “The numbers in these reports never look good out of context.” Uh, is there a context in which a 95% failure rate looks good?
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Buster Posey was called out on a play at #AT&TPark where a Pirates fan was ruled to have interfered with a PITTSBURGH rightfielder’s attempt to catch a ball that might or might not have been catchable. Hmm… interesting potential strategy for #SFGiants fans on the road.
An optimistic note from Bill Littlejohn “Husband and wife Tony and Janet Blundy recently made back-to-back holes in one, a feat estimated at odds of 50,000,000-to-one. So, you see—there’s still hope for Tim Tebow.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: #Caitlyn Jenner jokes, #cantfixstupid, Janice Hough, Kardashian jokes, KFC jokes, Lindsey Graham jokes, Trump jokes, TSA jokes
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May 22, 2015
TLC has apparently cancelled “19 Kids and Counting.”
And from the Duggar family, this direct quote from Josh’s statement. “I understood that if I continued down this wrong road that I would end up ruining my life.”
HIS life? But hey, the girls he molested, they would grow up fine with enforced future purity and “side hugs” #sickpuppy
Waiting for the first owners of a small business to say it goes against their religious values to bake a cake for a Duggar family wedding. #duggars
Bus to hell moment. Wonder if the “19 kids” in the title referred to Josh’s tally.
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Some times the best quotes come from the oddest places. This is from Mama June Shannon, Honey Boo Boo’s mom, whose family TLC show was canceled last fall after reports that she was dating a convicted child molester. “”I read that the Duggar family said this happening with their son brought them closer to God and each other. So they’re saying it’s ok to have family touch time? Hell no.”
Seahawks’ DE Michael Bennett says that playing for coach Pete Carroll “is like playing for Willy Wonka.” Well, except for at the end of the movie, Willy Wonka handed off the factory.
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Michael Sam has signed with the CFL Alouettes and says he wants to bring a Grey Cup to Montreal. Give Sam credit, at least he knows what the Grey Cup is.
The San Francisco 49ers and San Diego Chargers first preseason game Sept 3 at Levi’s Stadium is now on Goldstar for half-price. But many fans may want to wait to see how much the teams will offer to pay them to show up.
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Chris Christie now says the media owes him an apology over Bridgegate. Or what, he’ll close New Jersey Transit so they can’t get to work?
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Disney World is trying to crack down on people who use selfie-sticks on rides at their theme parks. Ah, for a machine that could just randomly grab sticks while rides are in operation and throw them and their users off…
Kyrie Irving was out for Game 2 of the Eastern Conference Finals with left knee tendinitis. Sounds like we are getting ever closer to an NBA version of that baseball cartoon, with LeBron James channeling Bugs Bunny and playing all the positions.
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LA GM Mitch Kupchak says the 2015-16 season will be Bryant’s last with the Lakers “He has indicated to me that this is it.” Kobe has one year and $25 million left on his contract. So is Bryant retiring? Or just not happy with the idea of actually being paid in future for what he is now worth.
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From Marc Ragovin; “Pete Townshend turned 70 the other day. So now instead of singing “Who Are Your?” it’s “Who Am I?”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, Christie jokes, Disney jokes, Duggar jokes, Duggarfamily jokes, Janice Hough, Lakers jokes, TLC
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May 21, 2015
Okay, this is a bit harsh. And the SF Giants know as well as any team how meaningless the regular season can be when you get to the playoffs. But who says American ingenuity is dead? From the Los Angeles Dodgers’ Wikipedia page:
Clayton Kershaw on the pitch that Madison Bumgarner hit for a home run. “It was a fastball right down the middle. I should have respected him a little more.” Well, since Madbum hit four last year, maybe Kershaw should have just watched a little tape.
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There are only 18 players in MLB who have homered off of both Clayton Kershaw and Zack Greinke. One of them is Madison “Babe” Bumgarner.
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Well, on the bright side for the #LADodgers, they had no wear-and-tear on their bats in 3 games at AT&T Park. #sweep #3shutouts #SFGiants
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Aaron Hernandez, serving a life sentence and now on trial for witness intimidation, apparently has a new tattoo and will “face discipline” for it. So what, they are going to lock the former Patriot away for two lifetimes?
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Brewers’ relief pitcher Will Smith was ejected tonight for allegedly having pine tar on his arm. He said it was a mixture of rosin and sunscreen that he forgot to remove before coming in. Once again I like “pushed into a lifeboat” better.
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Many complain that raising minimum wage will result in higher costs. But as USA TODAY reports, while McDonalds’ workers are pushing for a $15 hourly minimum wage, top executives at the company average $1220 an hour. Where’s the outrage over what THAT adds to the cost of a hamburger
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The Duggar parents from “19 Kids and Counting” are rallying behind their son Josh, 27, after it has come out that he molested several girls when he was a teenager: “Even though we would never choose to go through something so terrible, each one of our family members drew closer to God.” Wonder if they’d be as supportive if one of their children simply came out as gay?
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Pennsylvania Governor Tom Wolf has come out in favor of decriminalizing marijuana. Well, leaving aside the taxation and use-of- police-time issues, Philly fans need all the ways to mellow out they can get.
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Kobe Bryant’s tweet on the Laker’s good luck in the NBA lottery. “We played like crap all season so it’s only right we get the #2 pick HA #lakerluck #goodday” Well, and if the team only wasn’t paying $24 million to one over-the-hill player…..
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Bus to hell time. The world’s largest Disney Store opened in Shanghai and shoppers lined up for over a mile to get in. Sort of the Chinese equivalent of a school crafts fair where adults rush to buy what their children have made?
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The FCC apparently has gotten 22 complaints from viewers watching golf on TV over bad language. And 15 of those involved Tiger Woods. Well, this might mean Tiger’s outbursts are in a different league. Or it might mean he’s the only golfer most people watch.
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At Charlotte’s airport. a man who was angry about his flight being overbooked stripped naked in protest. And airlines are thinking, hmm… less weight, less fuel issues. Can we start having a clothing surcharge?
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Citicorp, Barclays, JPMorgan Chase and the Royal Bank of Scotland have pleaded guilty to rigging the currency markets in 2008 and will pay collectively more than $5 billion in penalties. And you thought your banking fees were high NOW.
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So apparently that shoot out in Waco, Texas started over a parking dispute. Many women heard that and are thinking “And they weren’t even Christmas shopping?
From T.C. “NFL.com is refusing to take orders for personalized jerseys with the name “DEFLATOR” on the back. How about “SSSSSSSSSSS””
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Aaron Hernandez jokes, airport jokes, Disney jokes, Dodgers jokes, Duggar jokes, Janice Hough, Kershaw jokes, Lakers jokes, marijuana jokes, SF Giants jokes, Tiger Woods jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
May 20, 2015
The last “Late Show with David Letterman” ended Wednesday, after 33 years. The most amazing thing for the younger generation, that to watch the show you once actually had to stay up “Late Night.”
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33 years ago…. to put that in perspective, half as long as Vin Scully has been announcing.
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In 1982 the Chicago Cubs were only in a 74 year World Series drought.
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Police said they found about 1,000 weapons were found at the Twin Peaks restaurant in Waco after the shootout last weekend. Well gosh, I can certainly see why Texas lawmakers are pushing to loosen the state’s gun laws…..
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George Clooney said last night on Jimmy Kimmel that his wife Amal isn’t always happy with his style of dress – “There is that moment when I’ve worn the same T-shirt like for a week that she says, ‘Really?'” Well, okay, so he’s a bit of slob. Millions of heartbroken women can now feel they’ve dodged a bullet.
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You can’t make this stuff up. Virginia State Senate candidate Joe Morrissey, 57, denied allegations of a sexual relationship with his 17 year old secretary in 2013, but accepted a plea bargain with a six-month jail sentence on a misdemeanor charge of contributing to the delinquency of a minor. He’s now been released, after being re-elected while in jail, and confirms he is the father of a 9-week-old baby with the young woman. (This makes four children by four different women.)
Well, give the guy credit, at least he’s not running on a family values platform.
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NY Daily News headline “Double-decker tour bus fatally slams into elderly woman in Morningside Heights” The woman was 68! 68?!!. Heck, had she been a man she’d be about the right age to play for the San Antonio Spurs. (and too young to play with the Rolling Stones.)
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The Warriors’ Stephen Curry has been fined $5,000 by the NBA for flopping last night against the Rockets. Actually, these fines aren’t for flopping…they’re just for flopping clumsily enough to get caught.
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Two New Jersey DEA (Drug Enforcement Agency) have been charged with illegally moonlighting by operating a strip club on the side. Maybe they had aspirations of joining the Secret Service?
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A Norwegian Cruise Line ship that ran aground in Bermuda yesterday has been refloated back into the water. No word on what NCL might do regarding compensation for the passengers. If they were an airline they’d probably charge for an extra stop.
In the NHL, the Toronto Maple Leafs lured coach Mike Babcock away from Detroit with a 8 year, $50 million contract. It might not have just been the money. Don’t disregard not having to worry about all that stressful playoff pressure.
There may be better pitchers at #ATTPark for #SFGiants, including a World Series MVP. But will any be more loved than #TimLincecum? #Timmy
A new study shows that for the past 10 years the worst airport in the summer for on-time flight arrivals is Newark, with only 64.5% of flights arriving on schedule. On the brighter side, 35.5% of passengers thus had less time than they expected in New Jersey.
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Speculation now that the Obamas may move to New York City after they leave the White House. Though wonder if the $30 million that the Clintons have earned in the last year or so would be enough these days to buy a Manhattan apartment.
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Aaron Hernandez was apparently involved in a prison fight on Monday. So congrats to all those who had May 18 in the pool.
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Former senator John Glenn, 93, saying he believes evolution should be taught in schools. “I don’t see that I’m any less religious by the fact that I can appreciate the fact that science just records that we change with evolution and time, and that’s a fact. It doesn’t mean it’s less wondrous and it doesn’t mean that there can’t be some power greater than any of us that has been behind and is behind whatever is going.”
At 93, Glenn is better on that question than many current presidential candidates….
Thought for the night forwarded by an anonymous friend “I’m not saying let’s go kill all the stupid people. I’m just saying let’s remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself .”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Aaron Hernandez jokes, George Clooney jokes, Janice Hough, Letterman jokes, Maple Leaf jokes, Morrissey jokes, NBA jokes, Waco jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
May 18, 2015
Sarah Palin just announced today that her daughter Bristol’s May 23 wedding to Dakota Meyer “will not be held.” Amazed she didn’t blame the break-up on all these gay marriages.
(Or maybe someone didn’t want to make a cake for an unwed mother?)
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Generalissmo Francisco Franco and the Clippers are still dead.
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Lindsey Graham says he will announce his 2016 Presidential plans on June 1. As soon as he finds an appropriate closet from which to make the announcement?
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The Miami Marlins fired their manager Mike Redmond and hired GM Dan Jennings for the job. Who last coached 30 years ago- and it was a high school team.. Makes some sense. The Marlins are a pretty sophomoric franchise.
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That biker bar shootout in Waco alas proved once again, that as much as we may fear outside terrorists, we Americans are pretty good at killing each other.
(and if we’re going to really profile people in Texas. Almost all those 170 mugshots were… white men.)
Charlie Weis, who was fired from both Notre Dame and Kansas, is in line to make more than $24 million from both schools AFTER he was terminated. Hmm, well, if this football thing doesn’t work out maybe Weis would be a good fit as Carly Fiorina’s campaign manager?
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So I would take the defenders of religious freedom much more seriously if some of them would start defending the right of bakery owners not to make wedding cakes for ANY winners of #TheBachelor or #TheBachelorette.
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Some people seem to have a problem with Ruth Bader Ginsburg exercising her beliefs by performing same sex marriages. Wonder where they were when Antonin Scalia spoke at Colorado Christian University and said the separation of church and state doesn’t mean “the government cannot favor religion over non-religion…”
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Justin Smith is the latest 49er to retire. Will the last SF star to leave Levi’s Stadium please turn out the lights?
Cincinnati RB Jeremy Hillatch on the Bengals’ need to get to the next round of the playoffs “It’s been four years in a row and if it doesn’t happen this year then it’s probably never going to happen.” Or maybe the team will have to change their name to the Cincinnati Cubs.
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A report says the Buffalo Bills may cut QB EJ Manuel if he doesn’t improve. So sounds like another potential rider on the Jets’ clown car.
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Spectacular. Mailed a small first class package from Los Altos, CA to Winter Park, FL last Monday. It got to San Francisco on Tuesday, left SF on Wednesday, and arrived into ANCHORAGE, AK on Sunday. It apparently left Anchorage today, bound for who knows where.
Who knew the U.S. Post Office was hiring former airline baggage handlers?
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Two more BASE jumpers were unfortunately killed after attempting an illegal jump last weekend at Yosemite. Now, I’m not and have never been an “extreme athlete” and not even sure what the acronym “BASE” stands for. But it seems reasonable that the “S’ is for “Stupid.”
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And in case you’re a regular reader and wondering, or you’ve stumbled on this blog with Google. Yep, Jerry Hough is my dad. I learned to drive the “bus to hell” by myself. But now you probably know where I got the un-PC gene. 🙂
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: 49ers jokes, airline jokes, Bristol Palin jokes, clipper jokes, Janice Hough, jerry hough, Lindsay Grahams jokes, Marlins jokes, the Bachelorette jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
May 14, 2015
Florida Gov. Rick Scott has signed legislation that allows the sale of “growler” beers, i.e. 64 ounce containers, in the state. “Growlers” are apparently legal already in most other states. Wonder if the hold-up was the worry that Floridians would consider them single-servings? #staggeringyourground
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The Patriots are claiming that the locker room attendant whose texts implicated Brady in Deflategate only called himself “the deflator” because he was trying to lose weight. I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat” better.
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Steelers FB Le’Veon Bell to ESPN on his three-game suspension over marijuana possession and DUI. “I made a mistake,” Bell said. “I’m going to just have to do my time.” Whoa. This guy sounds way too responsible to be in the NFL. #wherestheexcuses?
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Fans who try to order a customized Patriots jersey from NFLshop.com with “DEFLATOR” on the back are receiving an error message: “We are unable to customize this item with the text you have entered. Please try a different entry again.”
Where are the defenders of free speech on this one?
(These jerseys are $294.99 plus tax and shipping. My father points out, They are refusing to do “deflator” for $295? That is a gross violation of their most sacred principles.)
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Missouri House Speaker John Diehl has resigned after texts obtained by the Kansas City Star indicated a sexual relationship between him and a college freshman intern. Well, at least the intern is female. #Whenwilltheyeverlearn #secrettextisanoxymoron
(and of course, Diehl is a married -for now- father of three, virulently anti-gay marriage types, who led the fight to override Missouri Gov. Jay Nixon’s veto of a bill that would allow employers not to cover birth control because of THEIR religious views. )
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Drought math: Apparently it takes about 1,800 gallons of water to produce a pound of beef. only 32 gallons for a glass of wine. And 17 gallons for an average shower. So if Californians can just eat a little less and drink a little more, we can all be happier and cleaner.
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George Zimmerman now apparently is thinking of leaving Florida because he gets “trouble” there. Okay, who wants to volunteer here? South Carolina? Arizona, Texas…?
At the time of writing this, the Padres are in a RAIN delay in San Diego. Wonder how long it took the grounds crew to find the tarp? #whatisthiswaterfallingfromthesky? #wehaveatarp?
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Apparently the engineer of the Amtrak train that derailed was going 106 MPH when he should have been going 50 MPH. Why weren’t there safeguards in place? Why wasn’t there a second engineer maybe to tell him to slow down? Budget cuts.
But Congress is on it. Today the House voted to cut another $252 million from the Amtrak budget.
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Just thinking, so if PTC (Positive Train Control) is too expensive for now…. how much would it cost to have an assistant engineer also in the Amtrak engine? #alotcheaperthananaccident
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So former NFL QB A.J. Feeley says Brady and the Patriots have been cheating with the footballs for years. Well, first, New England says they didn’t do it this time, and second, if they had of course it was just a one-time impulse that they had never tried before….. #howcanyoudoubtSaintBrady?
Nick Saban on the new college football playoff system, said it was “great to be a part” of it. But he also thought “by having a playoff we would minimize the interest in other bowl games, which I think is sort of what happened and I hate to see that for college football.” Uh, does Saban think most people EVER cared about 90% of the other bowl games?
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After Paul Pierce hit a 3 pointer with 8.3 seconds left in the Wizards-Hawks games for the lead he looked at the Atlanta bench and called “Series.” Because it would have taken too long to say “Mission Accomplished?”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Brady jokes, Bush jokes, deflator jokes, delflator, Florida jokes, Janice Hough, John Diehl jokes, NFL jokes, Patriots jokes, wine jokes, Wizards jokes
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May 13, 2015
A new Johns Hopkins University of Medicine study found that new stronger strains of marijuana could cause people exposed to second-hand smoke to test positive for pot drug in a urine analysis. Was this study sponsored by the NFL Players Association?
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Corey Kluber, 113 pitches, 8 inning one-hit shutout, 18 strikeouts! And Indians took him out of game. #oldschoolpitchersareweeping
But hey, it’s about pitch counts now. And we all know pitch counts make a big difference in pitchers’ health, because so few young players are getting injured these days and/or needing surgery…. Oops, never mind.
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Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, in support of Roger Goodell and his Deflategate decision: “I think he’s doing a great job, and I’m a big supporter of his. … I know one of his best qualities is fairness.” Translation. Either Romo likes hard footballs, or Jones knows he handles his balls himself.
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Former FSU coach Bobby Bowden, 85, on Jameis Winston “I think it’s a consensus amongst Florida State fans and boosters that he was an embarrassment in a lot of ways to the university.” Sigh, Bowden was a great coach. But memory is one of the first things to go. #FreeShoesUniversity
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A couple who was convicted of “lewd and lascivious exhibition” for having sex on a crowded beach with children around not only faces jail time, they must register as sex offenders. Right, because their display was almost as bad as what many American children see every night on television?
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The Arizona attorney general’s office has filed charges against a woman who in 2010 faked having cancer to get an abortion. Agree that it was wrong. But imagine what kind of mother she would have made.
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Searchers looking for Malaysia Airlines flight 370 in the Indiana Ocean have discovered a 19th century shipwreck. Stand by for the CNN special talking about if it’s a cruise ship.
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A small detail that got lost in last night’s SF Giants 8-1 win over the Astros. Nori Aoki was originally called safe at first, but the call was overturned quickly after a video review. The first base umpire? Jim Joyce. #Fiveyearstoolate #ArmandoGalarraga
In Wisconsin, the state assembly passed bills mandating drug tests for welfare recipients, and requiring that monthly stipends be used for healthy foods. Okay, fine, can we also drug test Wisconsin assembly members, and require them to use their $88 a DAY living expenses on healthy food too?
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So American Idol has been cancelled in part because of what some call WGWG (“White guys with guitars) syndrome. Where the winners are cute WGWG’s who may win votes from mostly young female viewers, but never amount to anything. And what do they do for their penultimate final? Send the girl rocker home in favor of two WGWGs
Why people who aren’t in the travel industry shouldn’t write travel articles: A SF Chronicle story from Business Insider on the “best Hawaiian islands for every type of traveler” says “Best for honeymooners – Lanai” – …” “a perfect destination for honeymooners who are seeking privacy and seclusion. Since the island’s two Four Seasons Resorts are currently closed to the public for renovations, visitors can enjoy more seclusion and fewer tourists.
Uh, yes, since the ONLY two major hotels on the island are closed, and the ONLY hotel open is the funky Hotel Lanai with 11 rooms, there’s plenty of seclusion…..
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: American Idol jokes, CNN jokes, deflategate jokes, FSU jokes, Jameis Winston jokes, Janice Hough, marijuana jokes
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May 12, 2015
Dennis Norfleet, Michigan’s all-time leader in kick returns and kick return yards has been dismissed from the program over a disciplinary issue with new coach Jim Harbaugh. Shall we start a pool with which SEC team Norfleet will end up?
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Jim Harbaugh and Michigan have self-reported four minor violations to the NCAA. One of them, that he sent an autographed helmet and jersey to a high school auction benefiting a scholarship fund. (Which apparently Jim didn’t know was illegal.) Really good to see that the NCAA is focused on the important things.
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Verizon is buying AOL. In hopes that finally two wrongs do make a right?
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So apparently in yesterday’s apparent road rage incident involving George Zimmerman, both Zimmerman and the man who allegedly shot him -resulting in minor injuries -had guns with them at the time. And Darwin is thinking “Missed a two-fer by THAT much”
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Tom Brady’s agent has accused Ted Wells of running a biased “sting” investigation on “Deflategate”, and Wells has fired back defending himself and the report. I’m wondering how long until one of the fired Patriots’ employees decides to supplement his severance pay with a book deal…..#whenyoureinaholestopdigging?
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Today President Obama’s Tuesday fast-track trade deal was stalled in the Senate….by Democrats. And over at Fox News heads are exploding. #dowehavetopickaside?
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Just got a pre-sale notice for the Radio City Music Hall Christmas Spectacular. So is it time for stores to start decorating?
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The U.K. Daily Mail is reporting that the real reason Lindsey Vonn and Tiger Woods split up is that she found out he cheated on her. “I can’t believe Tiger would do that” said nobody.
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A woman gave birth on an AIr Canada flight to Japan, and said she hadn’t even known she was pregnant. Another graduate of “Abstinence only” education?
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Donald Trump has apparently TRADEMARKED the slogan “Make America Great Again” for his Presidential campaign. Is he trying to top “Mission Accomplished?”
Per Duane Kuiper, #SFGiants are hitting 5 for 26 with the bases loaded in 2015. Matt #Duffy with the bases loaded is 3 for 4. #McGehee who?
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The SF Giants have a much maligned farm system. But starting today. Pitcher Chris Heston, catcher Buster Posey, first baseman Brandon Belt, second baseman Joe Panik, shortshop Brandon Crawford, and third baseball Matt Duffy. Every single one of them home-grown talent.
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MLB has tightened security for its game balls after Deflategate. Angels pitcher C.J. Wilson commented “Obviously, there’s not as much that you can do to baseballs. I mean, you can’t change the density of the baseball at any point — unless you dunk them in water. Then they’re going to be 9 ounces, and everyone’s going to blow their arms out.” Hmm. wonder how he knew that?
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Lindsay Lohan, who still has more than half of her 250 mandated community service hours to go from a 2013 reckless driving conviction, apparently missed her first day Tuesday at a Brooklyn preschool. This could really put her in jeopardy with Hollywood’s “37 strikes and you’re out” policy.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: deflategate jokes, George Zimmerman jokes, Harbaugh jokes, Janice Hough, NCAA jokes, SF Giants jokes, Tiger jokes, Tom Brady jokes, Trump jokes
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May 6, 2015
The NFL Wells report has found that it is “probable” that Patriots personnel deliberately deflated balls against the Colts, and that quarterback Tom Brady was “generally aware” of what was happening. So how long until Roger Goddell penalizes the Saints?
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Patriots owner Bob Kraft in January, proclaiming his team’s innocence. “Tom, Bill and I have been together for 15 years. They are my guys. They are part of my family, and Bill, Tom and I have had many difficult discussions over the years, and I have never known them to lie to me.”
Right, because family members NEVER lie to you. Paging Hillary Clinton
Patriots owner Robert Kraft condemned the Wells report on “Deflate-gate” saying the incriminatory findings were ‘incomprehensible’ and based on ‘circumstantial evidence’ rather than science. Uh, apparently no one has explained to Kraft about this texting thing?
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Texas state Rep. David Simpson, a Republican, has proposed a bill to legalize marijuana in the state, and it was approved by a House committee. But this line from his March op-ed is the best – “I don’t believe that when God made marijuana he made a mistake that government needs to fix,” but it should be “regulated like tomatoes, jalapenos or coffee.” Jalapenos? #GodBlessTexas
In Crane County,, Texas, apparently 20 students, out of only 300 at the high school, have chlamydia. The school’s only sex-program is “”Worth the Wait’ Abstinence Plus.” And the district superintendent, Jim Rumage says “If kids are not having any sexual activity, they can’t get this disease.” Is it too early for nominations for the 2015 “Captain Obvious” award? #cantfixstupid #cantstophormoneseither
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Cowboys’ draftee Randy Gregory, who admitted regular marijuana smoking in college, and failed a drug test at the NFL combine, said on Dallas radio “I don’t think it’s a weed problem. I think it’s decision making. I think I’m immature.”
Of course, if he were REALLY immature, he wouldn’t have enough self-awareness to make that statement?
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Marshall University RB Steward Butler was arrested in West Virginia for allegedly beating two gay men just after he saw them kiss in public last month. So he thought they should be doing something more natural like kissing their sisters?
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Isiah Thomas was fired as the Knicks coach in 2007 after a jury ruled that he had sexually harassed a female former team executive and then improperly fired her for complaining. Now Thomas has a new job: Knicks owner James Dolan hired him as president of the Liberty, New York’s WNBA team. #whatcouldpossiblygowrong #cantfixstupid
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In Naples, Florida, a woman whose ex told her she was “drinking too much” was arrested for allegedly smashing his car with a BBQ grill, and then breaking a broom over his back. If only she had been armed
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The Orlando Eye, just opened Monday. At 400 feet tall it is the tallest Ferris wheel on the U.S. East Coast . Heck, at 400 feet tall it might be the tallest thing, including hills, in Florida.
It’s Thursday morning and no GOP candidate has announced yet for President in more than 24 hours. Come on now., the clown car is idling and wasting gas..
Not the Onion. Kendall and Kylie Jenner are actually trying to trademark their first names for “entertainment in the nature of providing information by means of a global computer network in the fields of entertainment, fashion and pop culture.”
Not sure about whatever that means, but would they settle for “Kardashian” being a listed synonym for “self-absorbed” in the dictionary?
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Tiger Woods says he hasn’t slept since his breakup with Lindsey Vonn. Because he’s been “up” all night?
From Marc Ragovin. “Tiger Woods said that he hasn’t slept since Lindsey Vonn broke up with him. Correction: He meant to say he hasn’t slept with another woman since Lindsey Vonn broke up with him.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Bob Kraft, Brady jokes, cheating jokes, Deflate-gate jokes, Deflategate joke, Florida jokes, Janice Hough, Kardashian jokes, Patriots jokes, Texas jokes, Tiger Woods jokes
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April 30, 2015
England is all abuzz waiting for William and Kate’s second baby, which may be overdue. Americans don’t get why Brits care so much about a Royal Family. As opposed to more important things like whether Hillary can beat Jeb?
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Marcus Mariota watched the NFL draft from his home in Hawaii instead of going to Chicago. Wonder how many will criticize the decision and say the QB at least should have been watching from somewhere in the U.S.
For their 1st round pick in the NFL draft, the Denver Broncos drafted DE Shane Ray, who is already enrolled in the league’s substance abuse program after being cited this week for marijuana. Well, not sure if Ray will be a starter this year, but he’s already well on his way to some potential endorsement deals in Colorado.
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Stanford’s OT #AndrusPeat to the #Saints. Talented AND smart. Somewhere #DrewBrees is smiling.
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Have to wonder with NFL draft starting Thursday night, now agents have locked their clients in a room since say, Monday, to make sure they didn’t get in trouble?
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#JameisWinston #1 to #TampaBay in the #NFLDraft. Makes sense, at least Winston already has good relations with Florida cops.
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And so now as we head to round two of the #NFLDraft, many questions remain. Such as, “which QB will the #NYJets make a mistake with this year?”
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The Oakland As are not off to a great start this year. If the team doesn’t look out they won’t have anyone to trade away at the deadline.
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So Billy Donovan is leaving Florida for the Oklahoma City Thunder. Makes sense, these days being in the NBA gives you more years to coach college-age players.
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Judith Miller on “The Daily Show,” defending her stories about WMD’s in Iraq. “Everyone got it wrong.” Uh, not exactly “everyone.” #whatstoopainfultoremember
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The Kentucky Derby favorite is “American Pharoah” Wonder how many Americans think that is yet another nickname for Obama.
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Meanwhile, Gary Stevens, 52, will ride “Firing Line.” So will Stevens’ game plan be to scream at the other jockeys “You punks get off my racetrack”?
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A 45 year-old-man escaped with only minor injuries when he was pulling up his pants in a Chick-fil-A bathroom and accidentally shot his own leg with his Glock pistol. This happened in Hamilton, Ohio. Okay, Florida, catch up.
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Blake Lively, quoted in UK magazine “Stylist” “I have a dream to go to Harvard Business School, and one of these days I will do that… in my spare time.” Uh, so is Blake angling for a movie contract – “Corporately Blonde?
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In Oklahoma, during a debate about giving state supreme court justices a raise, Rep. Kevin Calvey argued that the court was not sufficiently anti-abortion, and stated “If I were not a Christian, and didn’t have a prohibition against suicide, I’d walk across the street and douse myself in gasoline and set myself on fire. To protest the evil that is going on over there, killing, giving the death penalty, to the will of the people and the will of this body and protecting the least among us.”
Well, in the name of consistency I say it’s his body and Calvey should be able to do what he wants with it. #anybodygotamatch?
From T.C. “Seahawks QB Russell Wilson upgraded a US Army passenger on an Alaska Airlines flight to 1st Class from Economy. Best part of this story was that he “handed” the serviceman the ticket.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: draft jokes, Florida jokes, Kentucky Derby jokes, Mariota jokes, NFL draft jokes, NFL jokes
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April 28, 2015
Due to the riots in Baltimore, tomorrow’s White Sox-Orioles game is closed to the public. So players on both teams will get a chance to see what it felt like to play in Montreal’s Olympic Stadium.
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Hoping things calm down in Baltimore as much as anyone. But anyone but me think it’s a bit ironic that Ray Lewis has a video message out “Get off the streets. Violence is not the answer”?
So Donald Trump is back to attacking Obama, tweeting ‘Our great African American President hasn’t exactly had a positive impact on the thugs who are so happily and openly destroying Baltimore!’ And asking if “US taxpayers are expected to rebuilt it (the city) again?”
Funny that I don’t seem to remember the Donald’s similar outrage when U.S. taxpayers were expected to bail out the banks and Wall Street.
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As much of a mess as things are in Baltimore, Maryland does have some very strict gun laws. Wonder how Americans would feel if many of those rioters were armed?
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Why should men have all the fun? #Cantfixstupid, female division. A California woman was arrested at her home less than half an hour after allegedly burglarizing a house in Palo Alto. Police were able to track her so quickly because she dropped her driver’s license during the burglary.
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A YouTube user “TechRax” tested Apple’s new “Watch Sport” by dropping it from a height of about 3 1/2 feet. When it landed face-down the watch screen shattered. So Apple engineers are too young to remember the goal of “Takes a licking and keeps on ticking.”?
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So for those people who want to get rid of “Hack-a-Shaq” because it’s not entertaining to watch, how do they feel about the intentional walk? Although if we really want to talk about breaking up the pace of games, how about TV time outs?
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Corporate logic, grocery store division. A local Safeway is under-performing expectations so has few cashiers available at any given time. One reason people I know don’t go to the store – the check-out lines are too long.
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Say it ain’t so. Suzanne Crough, 52, aka Tracy Partridge has passed away. It’s bad enough when the people you grew up watching on T.V. die. It’s worse when they are younger than you are.
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Google’s head of human resources says the company’s oldest employee is “over 80.” Ah, he must be the one who helped design the driver-less car seen around campus with its left blinker on.
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I was semi-joking about the DH and the SF Giants’ Madison Bumgarner, who likes to hit, yesterday. Today Madbum backs me up – and he’s serious. “I guarantee you. Some of the things you’re seeing in the American League wouldn’t happen if pitchers had to hit. They’d be a whole lot more polite.”
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Bernie Sanders is running for President. And now Jon Stewart might be REALLY reconsidering retirement. #Letthefunbegin!
Budweiser says it is removing a new slogan label on Bud Light that says “The perfect beer for removing ‘no’ from your vocabulary for the night.” Okay, the real question here is not who decided to remove the slogan, but who was idiotic enough to approve it in the first place? #justsayno
The Rockets won their first playoff series since 2009. The Astros are in first place. Are we sure we’re not seeing signs of the apocalypse? #Houstonwehaveaproblem?
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#Spurs win a close one at 1am #SanAntonio time. At that time of night most men their players’ age only get up to use the toilet. #SAvsLA
From Bill Littlejohn: “The NFL is giving up its tax-exempt status.I supposed with all of the scandals coming to light, it can no later be classified as a religion”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, Apple Watch jokes, Baltimore jokes, Budweiser jokes, Janice Hough, Ray Lewis jokes, Spurs jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
April 20, 2015
Say what? The NY Post reports that NYC Mayor Bill De Blasio’s hopes that a “draft de Blasio’’ movement will result in his beating Hillary in the primaries like “George McGovern successfully challenged the initially front-running establishment candidate, Edmund Muskie, more than 40 years ago” And we all know how well that worked out for the Democrats.
Today is 4-20. Let’s hope protesters in favor of marijuana legalization remember to show up before 4-21.
Jon Stewart told the UK Guardian that he is leaving The Daily Show because he was becoming increasing depressed by US politics and cable news. Which alas is how many Americans feel about coping with current events without him.
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Both the Oakland and Kansas City benches emptied for the third straight day during today’s game and five Royals were ejected after Kelvin Herrera threw a 100 mph fastball behind Brett Lawrie. Almost a shame the two teams don’t meet again until late June. – some say baseball doesn’t get high TV ratings because it’s not a contact sport.
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Tim Tebow is joining the Philadelphia Eagles. Meaning it will be a close competition between him, Matt Barkley and Mark Sanchez for the QB most likely to have Philly fans scream “Jesus Christ.”
Marco Rubio today “I also don’t believe that your sexual preferences are a choice for the vast and enormous majority of people. In fact, the bottom line is I believe sexual preference is something that people are born with.”
Is the Florida Senator saying he has conceded the bat sh*t crazy vote?
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Donald Trump apparently retweeted (then deleted) a tweet saying “If Hillary Clinton can’t satisfy her husband, what makes her think she can satisfy America. Thinking if Donald Trump can’t make TWO marriages work what makes him think he can deal with tough international relations.
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A new book says that Ronald Reagan believed in extra-terrestrial life and in 1985 told Mikhail Gorbachev at a peace summit that “he was sure the two superpowers would co-operate if Earth was threatened by alien invasion.” Don’t laugh too fast… alien invasion might explain some of the candidates we have running for President.
(My friend Suzanne G. says I have now disrespected aliens.)
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A British study found that drivers who were dehydrated (drinking 25 ml -less than an ounce of water) an hour, made as many mistakes as drivers who were over the DUI limit. Of course, imagine that drivers who drink a LOT of water are more likely to speed to get to a restroom.
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Texas Rangers GM Jon Daniels says he’d like to give Russell Wilson a shot but . “Obviously, he’s got a pretty good thing going on with the Seahawks, and we’re not going to get in the way of that.” Translation, Wilson’s a decent baseball player but he’s not THAT good.
(Alex B. says “Wilson was going to give baseball a go, but Pete Carroll told him to pass.”
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Apparently the Lily Pulitzer collection for Target caused a shopping frenzy Sunday morning online and at Target stores. And if you have any idea what that means you probably don’t have a Y chromosome.
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: 2016 Presidental election jokes, 4 20 jokes, De Blasio jokes, Janice Hough, Jon Stewart jokes, marijuana jokes, Rubio joke, Tebow jokes, Trump jokes
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April 11, 2015
Eight errors for New York so far in five games. Time to refer to them as the YankEEEEEs?
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So the Red Sox and Yankees, after 19 innings Friday night, had the early game Saturday night for national television. Wonder how many people on the the East Coast went to bed, woke up and thought “My gawd, they’re STILL playing.”
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That 19 innings for the Red Sox and Yankees Friday lasted seven hours and five minutes, including a 16 minute power outage delay. And somewhere George Steinbrenner is thinking “Seven hours? Why I hired and fired Billy Martin fast than that.”
The NY Yankees are trying to void $6 million contract bonuses for A-Rod for each person he passes on the all-time home run list, saying they are no longer “milestones”, and they are prepared to go to arbitration over it. This could end up better than “The War of the Roses.”
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Forget about hearts in San Francisco. The 2015 Giants appear to have left their bats in Arizona.
So the Atlanta Braves put a punctuation mark on their rebuilding year by trading All-Star closer Craig Kimbrel before the season even started. And they are now, 5-0?! #Itsafunnygame
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Okay, so #Madbum is 1-1 with a 5.40 ERA. #Kershaw is 0-1 with a 5.84 ERA. #Giants #Dodgers #Miserylovescompany
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Providence beats BU 4-3 in the #FrozenFour final. But who but me hears “Frozen Four” and thinks of the last #SFGiants fans left during most late weeknight games at Candlestick.
And wonder how many parents hear “Frozen Four” and think ‘Dear Gawd, not MORE sequels.”
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Tiger Woods may or may not ever get back to the top of the golf world, and he may still have the biggest galleries. But Woods will never be as beloved as Phil Mickelson.
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Tiger Woods teaching his children not to swear would be kind of like Madonna trying to teach her children to dress appropriately.
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The Yankees are now 1-4. Of course, it’s early times, but how long until New Yorkers start looking forward to the Jets season?
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Why should the Yankees get all the headlines? – MLB announced that Mets closer Jenrry Mejia has been suspended 80 games after testing positive for stanozolol.
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Mets closer Mejia “I know the rules are the rules and I will accept my punishment, but I can honestly say I have no idea how a banned substance ended up in my system.” Got to be tempting for MLB to offer a 50% reduction in suspension to the first guy who says “I admit it, I blew it, they caught me.”
From Marc Ragovin – “Reuben Flores of the NY Mets is the very definition of a shortstop. He stops the ball and all of his throws come up short.:
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From Gary Bachman; “There’s a campaign to put a woman on the twenty dollar bill. And ‘In God We Trust’ will be replaced by “You Go Girl.'”
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For those at FOX who want to get a jump on head explosions in advance of Hillary’s announcement tomorrow: “In my opinion, President Obama is an honest man.” Raul Castro.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Frozen Four jokes, Giants jokes, Janice Hough, Masters jokes, Mejia jokes, Mets jokes, Red Sox jokes, Tiger Woods jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
Left Coast Sports Babe 