Posted tagged ‘SFGiants jokes’
April 11, 2016
The NCAA reportedly approved a 3-year moratorium on new bowl games. What a disappointment for all those 6-6 teams who just missed last year’s postseason.
–
That moment when even #ESPN on #BaseballTonight says “It’s an even year, don’t bet against the #SFGiants. #Hellhasfrozenover
–
Jordan Spieth is still the favorite at 7-1 to win the U.S. Open in June, at the Oakmont Country Club in Pennsylvania. Assume Oakmont doesn’t have any water hazards?
–
Even if you’re not a #Warriors fan have to appreciate that their quest for the record has knocked #KobeBryant farewell tour off #ESPN Wed
Urban Meyer is upset with the new NCAA rule deregulating electronic communication with potential recruits, which means coaches can now send unlimited texts to student-athletes. Translation, Urban Meyer doesn’t know how to text..
–
Suppose we shouldn’t be shocked but Mr. “Make America Great” again can’t even make his children register to vote correctly? #cantfixstupid #butcanweelectstupid
Monday was #NationalPetDay. And cats are sniffing “EVERY day is National Cat Day.”
–
Warriors announcer Bob Fitzgerald wasn’t very happy with Spurs fans waving thundersticks yesterday, calling them “some jerk off fans trying to screw up the telecast.” Well, if Golden State ends up playing back in San Antonio am sure those fans will go out of their way to be welcoming.
–
The White House has asked Congress for $1.9 billion to fight Zika, and the CDC is saying “Everything we look at with this virus seems to be a bit scarier than we initially thought,” and that it has been linked to a “to a broader array of birth defects throughout a longer period of pregnancy…”
And the GOP in Congress is now accusing Obama of trying to “politicize” Zika. Right, because heaven forbid the US try to protect fetuses in a way that costs money
–
Donald Trump says that John Brennan’s pledge not to waterboard is “ridiculous.” Right, because who knows more about effective interrogation, Trump or the director of the CIA? And who is Trump planning to appoint to the job – Jack Bauer?
–
Joe Biden said in an interview that while both Democratic candidates are “totally qualified”, he would “like to see a woman elected.” Maybe especially because it would be easier for Joe to think Hillary was inevitable than to think he could have started late like Sanders and actually won.
Newly released court documents say that Robert Dear Jr., who confessed to killing three people at a Colorado Planned Parenthood clinic, told police he dreamed he’ll be met in Heaven by aborted fetuses wanting to thank him for saving unborn babies. So where are the GOP “pro-lifers” applauding him right here on Earth?
–
Tim Spector, a professor at King’s College, London, said that dieting is less about calories, and more about good bacteria. So cheese, chocolate, nuts, and red wine are all smart choices for those trying to control their weight. Well, that calls for opening a bottle!
Categories: baseball jokes, football jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ESPN jokes, Janice Hough, Kobe jokes, NCAA jokes, SFGiants jokes, spieth jokes, Trump jokes, Warriors jokes, wine jokes, zika jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
April 9, 2016
The San Diego Padres have scored 0 runs in 3 games at Petco & 29 runs in 2 games at Coors. Will hitters petition to play 2017 home games in Denver?
–
#SFGiants are experimenting with batting the pitcher 8th. #MadBum is making a strong pitch to bat at least 6th.
–
Seriously, from ESPN, since 2014, Madison Bumgarner has hit a HR every 8.4 ABs at AT&T Park. Barry Bonds’ career AB/HR at AT&T Park: 8.8.
–
So when his arm finally tires, will Madbum move to the AL as a DH?
–
Lip readers had a treat watching Kershaw after Madbum took him deep, again. “Are you f*cking sh*tting me?”
–
Not that most announcers aren’t homers, but Golden State Warriors TV announcers spent much of the game complaining about foul calls their team wasn’t getting. Then at the end of a 100-99 game when Lance Stephenson was hacked more than once…. crickets.
–
Zach Johnson missed the cut at the Masters after a replay showed that his club accidentally touched the water when his ball was partially submerged and he was assessed a 2-shot penalty. And people think the balk rule is arcane.
–
The cost of mailing a letter will drops to 47 cents starting April 10. And millennials are going “What’s a letter?”
–
It’s been two days since the American Idol final finale. So have we all forgotten the name of the white guy with a guitar who won yet?
–
LB Von Miller says if it were up to him, he’d have Johnny Manziel on the Broncos. Hmm, can you get concussions from being on Dancing on the Stars?
–
Has Bernie Sanders just forfeited any claim to outsider status? He and his wife were seen attending a performance of “Hamilton.” Uh, even most 1 percenters can’t get those tickets.
–
Cruz says he was “double-crossed” by Kasich in Michigan for delegate spots, Kasich’s campaign said the Cruz campaign broke their end of a deal first. Oh this horrible GOP on GOP violence. #ifonlytheywerearmed
–
So as some in the GOP like to talk about Bill Clinton’s indiscretions while Hillary is running for president, it’s interesting to note that the Speaker who led the proceedings was having an affair, his replacement quit after news broke of multiple affairs, and then HIS replacement turns out of have molested at least four teenage boys. #Familyvalues
Categories: baseball jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ESPN jokes, Janice Hough, madison bumgarner jokes, Masters jokes, SFGiants jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
April 4, 2016
Ah yes, March Madness, when the bracket you actually thought about had UNC to win it all, and you suddenly jump up to 92nd percentile on the bracket where you just picked cats. #Villanova #Wildcats
–
But come on, while CBS has the rights, the NCAA men’s championship game tonight was broadcast on… TBS? Sounds like the network is taking college basketball as seriously as the one-and-done players.
–
SF Giants’ flight to Milwaukee was delayed over six hours yesterday. Hmm, maybe a little travel stress is better than batting practices for their hitters?
(12-3 win, with back-to-back-to-back home runs)
–
Happy #SFGiants Opening Day. It’s partly cloudy about 60 degrees with a high of 68 in SF today, it’s 32 degrees with snow flurries and a high of 40 in Milwaukee. So who drew up this schedule anyway? #baseballshouldnotopenindoors
–
–
Meanwhile, the Yankees-Astros opening game in New York was postponed today due to weather. What a shame. Too bad neither of these teams plays in a warm weather area. Oops, never mind.
–
So with all these states talking about religious freedom, how long until some files a lawsuit demanding freedom FROM religion over “God Bless America” being played at so many MLB games?
–
Congrats to #LosAngelesRams for winning their 1st pre-season game today against #SDChargers 15-0. Oh wait, never mind. #Dodgers #Padres
Even as a #SFGiants fan I must admit, when you give #Kershaw 15 runs he gives you a pretty good chance to win.
–
So both the Indians and Yankees home openers were postponed due to weather. Meaning a lot of fans in Cleveland and New York will be trying to explain how that 24 hour flu is lingering a bit longer.
–
The Oakland A’s Sonny Gray has been scratched for his opening night start due to food poisoning, this after he was hospitalized last year with salmonella. The A’s don’t just need a pitching coach, they need a food taster.
–
The Raiders have signed Aldon Smith, who is currently serving a 1-year suspension for substance abuse, and has five arrests since he joined the NFL in 2011 – “I think in his heart he’s a good young man” Raiders coach Jack Del Rio.”
Now, wishing Smith the best, but it’s amazing how your chances of being considered “a good young man” go up when you’re a star pass-rusher.
–
DE Greg Hardy was convicted of domestic violence in 2014, and pictures showed his ex-girlfriend with multiple bruises, but the case was overturned when the woman stopped cooperating with police. Now, Hardy said in an ESPN interview.”I’ve never put my hand on any women.” Even Bill Cosby is thinking this sounds disingenuous..
–
New airlines excuse for the day. JetBlue flight delayed last night from New York to SF….because they put the WRONG FUEL in the plane? So apparently they had to drain it and refuel. Your move, United.
–
In the 2016 Airline Quality Rating, Spirit Airlines led U.S. carriers in customer complaints. They might have had more, but given that it’s Spirit they probably charge passengers to complain.
–
The Huffington Post is reporting Charles Koch is confident Paul Ryan could be the GOP Presidential nominee if Trump doesn’t get enough delegates. Well, and I am sure the Donald and his supporters will take that gracefully. #passthepopcorn
Electric automaker says they have had delayed deliveries of their Model S and X this quarter because of part shortages caused by “Tesla’s hubris.” Hmm, I thought the hubris was reserved for Tesla owners.
Categories: airline jokes, baseball jokes, March madness jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, March madness jokes, MLB jokes, Opening day jokes, SFGiants jokes, villanova jokes, Voodcate ddoo caat does appr, Yankees jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
February 16, 2016
Buster Posey is moving permanently to Northern California. “My wife has just really fallen in love with the area. And as anybody who’s married knows, once your wife’s happy with a place… ”
And heck, with a 9 year $167 million contract, the Poseys can almost afford to buy a house here.
–
Clemson’s Deshaun Watson accepted the O’Brien Trophy for the best college football QB, and spoke of the team’s “unfinished business.” Hmm, wonder if that includes classes?
Manny Pacquiao has apologized after he compared gay couples to animals. So has the Filipino boxer been hit in the head one too many times? Or is he planning to move to the US and run for office as a Republican?
A British man managed to eat at all 46 London McDonald’s restaurants in a single day. Wonder when his services are scheduled.
–
So the audio went out for part of Adele’s song last night. And many Super Bowl viewers are thinking “Why couldn’t it have happened to Cold Play?”
A German shorthaired pointer won the Westminster Kennel Club dog show. Waiting for Trump to complain about a foreigner taking something from American dogs.
–
Headline on a tabloid magazine seen at the check stand “How Khloe saved Lamar.” Uh, except for the fact that Odom probably wouldn’t have been such a mess and ended up overdosing if he had never gotten involved with the Kardashians in the first place.
–
President Obama, talking about his plan to nominate a Supreme Court justice “The Constitution is pretty clear about what is supposed to happen now’
Waiting for Ted Cruz to respond “the Constitution is a living, breathing thing.”
–
George W. Bush in South Carolina, campaigning for his brother. “I understand that Americans are angry and frustrated but we do not need someone in the Oval Office who mirrors and inflames our anger and frustration.”
That’s a lot more articulate than he ever was as President.
–
A list of the world’s top airports for on-time flights is out, and #1 in the U.S. is… Minneapolis?! No joke. Think about that the next your airline delays your flight due to snow.
–
American Airlines is suing Go-Go internet to get out of their contract because they have found faster and better alternatives. Not sure of the legality here, but considering Go-Go charges about $35 for the mediocre internet they have on cross-country flights with United (2-3 times United’s other wi-fi prices), this might be the one time popular opinion is on the side of the airlines.
Ben Carson, asked in an interview if GOP candidates would say the same things about waiting to nominate a Supreme Court judge if there was a Republican president, responded “No, they wouldn’t.” So Dr. Carson is making a last-ditch push to pander to the reasonable faction of his party?Ben Carson, asked in an interview if GOP candidates would say the same things about waiting to nominate a Supreme Court judge if there was a Republican president, responded “No, they wouldn’t.” So Dr. Carson is making a last-ditch push to pander to the reasonable faction of his party?
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, baseball jokes, boxing jokes, Janice Hough, Pacquiao jokes, SFGiants jokes, Trump jokes, westminster dog show jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
September 29, 2015
The Dodgers complained that when they clinched in Arizona the Diamondbacks got upset when players jumped in the pool to celebrate. But the Giants are classier than that. Heard SF told LA if they clinched at AT&T Park, the entire Dodgers team was invited to jump into McCovey Cove.
–
Well, to be fair, this has been largely a AAA lineup lately for the #SFGiants. And tonight looked like regressing to the mean.
–
Think what angered #Madbum most, those last two home runs given up meant he didn’t get another AB against #Kershaw #SFGiants
–
Last week, Donald Trump said he was boycotting Fox News. Tonight, he’s appearing on the O’Reilly Factor. Guess even the Donald knows there’s no such thing as bad (free) publicity.
–
A body was found wrapped in a plastic sheet on an Oakland street today. People say they have not determined a cause of death. Pretty sure we can rule out suicide. #bustohell
–
Four MLB games tonight delayed or postponed due to rain. Well, cheer up baseball fans, due to the late start of the season to humor ESPN, maybe for this year’s World Series we could have games delayed by snow.
–
WTF? Jeb Bush says his tax plan will save middle-class Americans $2,000 a year, and “if a family were to invest the $2,000 they would save annually over a 20-year period and at compounded interest rate of 8%, they would accumulate a nest egg of $108,000 to help better prepare them for a comfortable retirement.”
8% compounded interest rate? Maybe Jeb hasn’t actually stopped smoking marijuana. #andhessupposedtobethesmartone
–
More Jeb Bush, writing in USA today on his proposed $2,000 tax cut for the middle class: “Two thousand dollars is four mortgage payments for the median American household.” #Yeshesaidit
–
QB Michael Vick, on starting Thursday in place of injured Ben Rothlisberger “This is a great opportunity for me because I don’t know if I’m going to have this opportunity ever again. ” Well, at least Vick didn’t say he felt like he was on a short leash.
–
Twitter is apparently working on a way for users to compose Tweets of longer than 140 characters. Joe Biden reportedly has just activated his account.
–
Carly Fiorina is already attacking the “liberal media” for accusing her of lying about Planned Parenthood and talking about an image that did not exist – “They’re trying to have a conversation about a TECHNICALITY (caps mine) about a video tape.”
Sarah Palin must be so proud. (Although she’s thinking, Carly, it’s “lamestream media.” )
–
A data scientist says he has found proof that Ashley Madison created 40,000 fake women’s profiles to get users into joining and paying for its website. And thousands of guys are now trying to convince their wives they faked men’s profiles too.
–
SMU’s men’s basketball team has been declared ineligible for the 2016 postseason and coach Larry Brown has been suspended 9 games for “multiple violations.” What’s Brown trying to prove at this point, that he can compete with John Calipari? .
–
Utah Rep Jason Chaffetz today went after Planned Parenthood president Cecile Richards about her $500,000 salary. Funny, never heard him complain about the $174,000 salary plus travel and other expenses that members of Congress get, or that $21 million (plus $19 million in stock) golden parachute Carly Fiorina got from HP.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Dodgers jokes, Fiorina jokes, Janice Hough, jeb bush jokes, Michael Vick jokes, MLB jokes, Planned Parenthood jokes, SFGiants jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
September 16, 2015
Tonight was the second GOP debate. Otherwise known as “Dancing with the Questions.”
–
Joe Biden says that Donald Trump has a “sick” message, and is “appealing to the baser side of human nature, working on this notion of xenophobia in a way that hasn’t occurred in a long time.”
Wonder how many Trump supporters are thinking “What’s xenophobia? Trump’s just against all these damn foreigners.”
–
Lots of candidate talk about Ronald Reagan. Not much talk about Reagan’s tax hikes, increased budget deficit, and signing an immigration act in 1986 that which granted amnesty to almost 3 million undocumented immigrants. Am sure it’s just coincidence. #GOPdebate
–
All these candidates who want to defund
#PlannedParenthood and talk about family planning alternatives. Would one of them like to name one such alternative. And their plan to fund welfare for children born from unplanned pregnancies?
–
All this discussion of “judicial tyranny” with the Supreme Court on the subject of gay marriage. Where were all these clowns when the Supreme Court declared George W. Bush President?
–
Donald Trump on tonight’s debate: ‘I think I could tone it down a little”: Right, he could, but he didn’t..
–
Donald Trump during the debate – I was for a flat tax before I was against it. I was for the rich paying more before I was against it. This is so confusing.
–
Carly Fiorina goes back to the marijuana gateway drug line. Cue #DemonSheep. Cue #ReeferMadness #GOPDebate
–
Jeb Bush – “My brother kept us safe.” Well, except for that little 9/11 thing. #GOPDebate
–
Lindsey Graham says it doesn’t make sense to deport millions of undocumented immigrants, but they should learn to speak English. Well sure, but so should millions of people born in the U.S.
–
I’d take these GOP candidates calling for war with Iran more seriously if they’d call for a draft to get people to fight it, and a way to pay for it.
–
The NFL has granted permission for New England clubhouse attendants John Jastremski and Jim McNally, who were suspended over Deflategate, to return, and the Patriots will reinstate them.
So yeah, guess those footballs were so in awe of Brady’s brilliance that they just deflated themselves.
–
More debate. A real question “If you’re elected President, how would the world look different after you lead office?” Waiting for the honest answer from someone: “Well, Hell would host an awesome Winter Olympics.” #GOPdebate
–
Rutgers football coach Kyle Flood has been suspended three games and fined $50,000 for allegedly emailing a lecturer inquiring about a grade for one of his potentially failing players. What Flood is really being suspended and fined for? A). being too stupid to have one of his staff do the the dirty work, and B) putting it in an email..
–
A post-debate thought. Talking about the general election Chris Christie said he would prosecute “Mrs. Clinton in those debates.” That is, if Christie is not defending himself in a courtroom over the backroom deals that led to the resignation of the CEO of United Airlines.
–
#Peavy gets his first home run of the year. 9th for #SFGiants pitchers in 2015. One behind Pablo Sandoval. #byebyebaby
#ChrisHeston and #MattCain do not have home runs for the #SFGiants this year yet. Time to get them some ABs.
–
Amazing story about the Muslim student who was accused of building a bomb when he had only built a clock. Have to wonder these days how many students can even read a clock?
–
In a few cities, 7-11 is offering delivery service of a “Date Night Pack”, which includes ice cream, candy, Red Bull and condoms. Thinking if your idea of a Date Night is 7-11, you’re not likely to need the pack.
–
Actor Stephen Rannazzisi, who said he escaped from the World Trade Center on 9-11 and then quit his desk job to become a comedian, now says he made the story up. Stand by for his interview with Brian Williams.
–
The #SFGiants are on a mission to singlehandedly destroy the DH. Now Madison Bumgarner was the first pitcher ever to reach base against Aroldis Chapman. But the Reds’ closer had gotten to an 0-2 count vs. 57 hitters this year. He struck out 41 of them, and none of them walked. Until Madbum.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Bush jokes, debate jokes, Fiorina jokes, GOP debate jokes, GOP jokes, Janice Hough, SFGiants jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
August 27, 2015
A new study found that Washington, D.C. has the worst traffic in the entire U.S. Wonder if that counts the gridlock inside the Capitol building?
–
Facebook on Monday had one billion users in a single day. Wow. That’s means at least 500 million cat pictures.
–
In Texas, the Health and Human Services Commission announced they are going ahead with $100 million in cuts to a therapy program for poor and disabled children. Three words: Pro-life my ass.
More on the Texas upcoming $100 million cut to a therapy program for poor and disabled children. Do they figure at least these kids will grow up in into adults with the right to be armed?
–
In the Little League World Series, California scored 3 runs in the top of the 1st, Texas had a grand slam in the bottom of the inning. And every current and former Little League parent just sighs, nods, and thinks “out of pitching.” #thosewerethedays
–
So I think I’ve figured it out; the way for the #SFGiants to beat the #ChicagoCubs was to put half their team on the disabled list.
–
Okay, how adorable is SF Giants rookie Kelby Tomlinson? The kid looks like he could play a teenage Clark Kent. Got his 1st MLB home run and it was a grand slam: “It was pretty crazy. Everybody got up and started clapping for me. I’d never experienced anything like that. It’s pretty special.”
–
Madison Bumgarner, 6 innings, 1 ER, 12Ks. Oh yeah, and one infield hit. Guess which he’s going to want to talk about? #SFGiants
–
United Airlines sent out an email to its Mileage Plus members. 50,000 bonus miles when you purchase or lease a new Mercedes S-class sedan. Uh, thinking if you can afford a Mercedes, you can probably afford not to care about frequent flier miles.
–
Steelers WR Martavis Bryant has been suspended 4 games by the NFL for violating the league’s substance abuse policy. And Pittsburgh fans are thinking “Well, at least he didn’t rape anyone or kill any dogs.
–
Going back to August 14, the Cincinnati Reds have won exactly ONE game, and that an August 24 make-up game from a rain out against Detroit. 1-12. If they’re going to give up on the season maybe they should offer ticket holders their money back?
–
From Marc Ragovin: “I’m not saying the Phillies are bad, but when they took the field in the top of the first the other day, Manager Pete Mackanin immediately called for a challenge.”
–
An appeal hearing for Marshawn Lynch over his $75,000 fine for not talking to the media in 2014 has apparently been canceled, What, did Lynch figure out the hearing would actually require talking?
–
Two women on a JetBlue flight from Jamaica to JFK were arrested after they got into a brawl upon landing involving a razor and pepper spray. So these gals got both a razor and pepper spray on the plane. But I’ll bet security confiscated plenty of bottled water.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Cincinnati Red jokes, Congress jokes, facebook jokes, GOP jokes, gun control, gun jokes, Janice Hough, SFGiants jokes, Texas jokes, United jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
August 18, 2015
So Donald Trump’s latest complaint is about H-1B visas, which he claims result in foreigners taking jobs away from minorities and women. Kind of a ballsy statement from someone who couldn’t find someone American-born for two of his three marriages.
–
Yes, Donald Trump seems to be doing well But not a single GOP primary vote has been cast. So all of this circus is basically based on a relatively small number of people who don’t feel like hanging up on pollsters?
–
The SF 49ers will lower beer prices from $10.25 to $10 this year, largely to save the time required for workers to dispense change in quarters. And then no doubt next year they will raise the price to at least $12.
The FDA has approved the world’s first pill to boost women’s libido. Is it covered in diamonds?
–
Apparently hackers have posted stolen data from #AshleyMadison. Wonder what the objective of their plan was? #nodivorcelawyerleftbehind?
–
So with the release of the Ashley Madison data, is it too soon to start a pool on the over-under of politicians who may suddenly resign to spend time with their families?
–
SF Giants have a number of pitchers on the DL, plus starting CF Pagan, LF Aoki, and 2nd baseman Panik. Now Hunter Pence is going on the DL for a strained oblique.
The team recently did a promo spoofing Full House. Maybe the House they should have been referencing was Gregory.
#Madbum for #SFGIants DH. That is all.
(he pinch hit in the 7th, got a single, scored the Giants 2nd run in a 2-0 games. After apparently blowing the opposing pitcher’s mind.)
–
Give me a break, commentators talking about the injury risk Bruce Bochy shouldn’t have taken by letting Madison Bumgarner pinch hit. Uh, as we have seen, pitchers get hurt throwing, fielding, falling down steps, falling out of bed, getting sandwiches, etc….
–
49ers wide receiver Jerome Simpson’s has now been suspended six game for violating the league’s substance abuse policy, his third suspension since 2012. It’s all part of the NFL’s “10 strikes and you’re out policy.”
–
Tom Brady will attend a second hearing on his suspension. If he can’t get the number of games reduced the Patriots QB is at least hoping for a better sketch?
–
Oops, now Brady will not attended the hearings in New York after talks stalled between him and the NFL. Both sides are reportedly feeling a bit deflated.
–
George Zimmerman is selling $50 prints of a Confederate flag painting he did at ‘Muslim free’ gun store in Florida. Where’s a hunting dentist when you really need one?
–
The mayor of Venice, Italy, ban children’s books featuring gay couples from local schools, sparking a social media war with Elton John, who called him “boorishly bigoted. The mayor has retweeted messages from supporters attacking Elton, like “we’re protecting our children from people like you.”
Well, I sure hope these protective parents make sure their kids NEVER see the “Lion King.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #AshleyMadison, 49ers jokes, Ashley madison jokes, Female viagra, Janice Hough, madison bumgarner jokes, SFGiants jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
August 4, 2015
Kermit the Frog has announced a decision to split with his partner Miss Piggy. Wow. This legalization of Itgay marriage is destroying relationships faster than we thought.
–
Jeb Bush “”I’m not sure we need a half-billion dollars for women’s health issues.” Yeah, Jeb, you’re right. We need a lot more. #clueless
–
So Fox News has picked their top 10 for the first debate. And Rick Perry is the 11th man. So did those glasses not make him look smart enough?. Or did they make him look too smart for GOP primary voters?
–
Joe Biden’s sister on his possible run for the Presidency in 2016. “He’ll decide when he decides.” And as anyone who’s ever heard Joe speak knows, Biden doesn’t do ANYTHING quickly.
–
AT&T reporting widespread cellphone and internet outages in the Southeast Tuesday. The horror! Many teenagers and millennials were forced actually to talk to each other.
–
Donald Trump now says he supports shutting down the government as a way to defund Planned Parenthood. Yeah, well he can talk, Trump already had that furry thing that lives on his head spayed.-
–
Chris Christie had a New Hampshire town hall today in Manchester, choosing to locate it at Blake’s Restaurant & Creamery, a long-time local favorite featuring premium ice cream. Well, of course he did.
–
Donald Trump is now insisting that not only will he build a wall at the Mexican border, he will get Mexico to pay for it. The Donald seems pretty sure he can order other countries around. But beginning to get a sense this man has never watched C-Span.
–
A 21 year old Florida man tried to rob a small church he occasionally attended with his parents during the sermon. The man pointed a BB gun at the pastor’s mother but was overpowered by fellow parishioners and arrested.
Said the Pastor – “Why did it happen? We’re targets. The whole mentality about Christianity has radically shifted.”
Or maybe because the whole mentality about mental health has shifted to “if it ain’t broke to the point of catastrophe, don’t fix it.”
–
A KKK member attended a Confederate Flag rally in Georgia wearing FUBU shoes (FUBU is a company created in 1992 by four African American entrepreneurs in NY to encourage black enterprise.) Irony, another of those commie-pinko concepts.
#SFGiants are still a long shot to repeat as World Champions, but tonight, down 3-2 after blowing a 2-1 lead in the 7th, after blowing a 6-0 lead last night, was one of those vampire games. #refusetodie
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Biden jokes, Florida jokes, GOP debate jokes, janicehough, jeb bush jokes, Kermit jokes, Miss piggy jokes, SFGiants jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
July 30, 2015
The New York Mets‘ Wilmer Flores cried on the field Thursday night thinking he was traded. But social media turned out to be wrong. Wonder how many Phillies will cry Friday night realizing they HAVEN’T been traded.
–
A day after they had their shortstop in tears over a trade that didn’t happen, the Mets blew a 6 run lead and had to sit through four hours of rain delays in losing to the Padres 8-7. Maybe God doesn’t like crying in baseball.
—
Money money money money….. From the LA Times, with the trade of Hector Olivera, in 2015 alone, “the Dodgers would pay seven players — Olivera, Matt Kemp, Dan Haren, Dee Gordon, Brian Wilson, Brandon League and Ryan Webb — $80 million not to play for them. The Tampa Bay Rays had an opening-day payroll of $76 million”
–
The LA Dodgers did get Mat Latos. Well, it’s a good fit. He will show up for his first pitching appearance at AT&T Park with a ready made booing section. #IhateSF #Theyhateyoutoo
Waiting for Mat Latos to say about his new team, we “went and changed our whole lineup, put guys with ‘Dodgers’ across their jerseys. Yeah, we did.”
(for those who don’t follow baseball, Latos complained loudly in 2010 that the SF Giants had made too many trades in their pursuit of his Padres. With almost the exact same words above. And then he went out and lost some very big games to SF.)
–
Urban Meyer has suspended four players, including star DE Joey Bosa, for Ohio State’s first game against Virginia Tech, due to “violations of athletic department policy,” Wow. So Meyer figure out a way to wait to suspend them until the Buckeyes’ second game against Hawaii? The Hokies must not have much of a team this year.
–
Looks like there may finally be some sad closure for MH 370. Over at CNN they’re trying not to be too gleeful over the possibility of another month at least of “Special Reports.”
–
Jose Canseco says that to show his support for Caitlyn Jenner he “will be dressing up and living as a woman for a week,” And he will feature his week as a woman on his new internet show “Spend a Day with Jose.”
Canseco is not trying to be Caitlyn Jenner, he’s trying to be a Kardashian. #publicitywhore
–
Many people are still stunned by the news that Patriots Tom Brady actually thought it was a good idea to destroy his phone. Of course, Brady didn’t have the option to hand it off to Marshawn Lynch.
–
A new Presidential election poll says Bernie Sanders would beat Donald Trump. Heck, Jed Bartlett would beat Trump. Come to think of it, what is Martin Sheen doing these days?
–
Now the U.S. Government is getting involved. The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service tweeted today – “We’re investigating the killing of #CecilTheLion. Will go where facts lead. We ask Dr. Palmer or his rep to contact USFWS immediately.”
As awful as the story is, maybe it will lead to changes. Certainly it’s got to be one of the few times when the Obama administration has at least 80% bipartisan agreement in this country.
–
Okay, leaving aside the serious larger issues, have to wonder, how were the University of Cincinnati cops dumb enough both to KNOW the shooting of Samuel DuBose was on video tape with an audio, and still to think they’d get away with lying? #cantfixstupid
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Canseco jokes, cecilthelion, Dodgers jokes, Janice Hough, Mets jokes, MH370 jokes, SFGiants jokes, trade deadline jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
June 9, 2015
By the numbers. Hits for SF Giants pitcher Chris Heston Tuesday night – 2.
Batters hit by Chris Heston – 3
Hits by the Mets against Chris Heston -0.
That’s some of the weirdest math you’ll see short of a politician claiming he or she can balance a budget.
The #SFGiants did at least do their very best to make Northern California sports fans forget about basketball for Tuesday night.
–
Nothing on game 3 yet, but the NBA admitted they missed some calls late in game 2 of the finals, three fouls by the Warriors and a travel by Lebron James. Shocking. The NBA still has a travelling rule?
–
Not sure who’s going to the bullpen or the minors if and when Peavy and or Cain come back this year for #SFGiants. But Chris Heston just made a pretty good case for it not being him.
–
U.S airlines are thinking of reducing carry-on bag sizes from a maximum 22 inches by 14 inches by 9 inches, to 21.5 inches tall by 13.5 inches wide by 7.5 inches. Which should produce many millions in more revenue. If not from checked bag fees than from commission from luggage makers when Americans need to buy new bags.
–
One thought about this Texas pool party video. At this point, is there a police officer alive, and for that matter a partying teenager, who shouldn’t know by now that EVERYTHING is likely to be on SOMEONE’s camera phone video?
–
As of July 9, Carnival Cruise Lines will ban passengers from bringing any bottled drinks on ship. Carnival says the ban is to limit the smuggling of alcoholic beverages on board for “multiple issues.” As in the multiple times a day they want to sell you booze aboard ship.
–
Bob Baffert said of American Pharoah, the horse won’t race next year, but he can have sex with 200 mares in a short period of time….he’ll have a great life” Right, especially since unlike most top athletes, Pharoah won’t have to keep dealing with his baby mamas and child support.
–
A federal court has upheld new very restrictive Texas laws that will force half the state’s abortion clinics to close. Well, it’s a good thing that Texas has some of the most generous welfare laws in the country so all those women who can’t get abortions will be able to get financial help with their unplanned-for children….. Oops, never mind.
–
Franklin Graham, son of Billy, and head of the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association wants his followers to boycott Wells Fargo over an ad with a gay couple in it, saying the bank is “promoting a Godless lifestyle. ” And “Let’s just stop doing business with those who promote sin and stand against Almighty God’s laws and His standards. ” Uh, if we’re talking banks in general, what about that stuff on usury?
–
Mike Huckabee is still defending the Duggar family, saying that the “media has exploited them.” Uh, Governor, if it weren’t for the media, TLC, magazines etc, none of us would have heard of the family in the first place, and Josh might have spent some time in juvenile hall.
Finally, from Henry Schulman in the SF Chronicle, for those who don’t live in the SF Bay Area: “Chris Heston threw the 110th and final pitch of the best game of his life, slammed his right hand into his glove, exhaled a huge puff of air and started to walk the wrong way.
No, Mr. Heston, when you throw a no-hitter, you do not step toward the dugout. You immediately face the plate to get your Buster Hug. That is well-established now on a team that has become synonymous with this difficult and revered baseball achievement.”
(and yes, Heston finally figured it out.)
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: American Pharoah jokes, chris heston jokes, Janice Hough, NBA finals jokes, no-hitter jokes, SFGiants jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
May 17, 2015
As Jeb Bush fumbles his way around the Iraq question, have to wonder if Jimmy Carter is quietly thinking “And they said MY brother was an embarrassing liability.”
–
Russian President Vladimir Putin apparently scored 8 goals while playing in an exhibition hockey game with former NHL players. Not to be outdone, Kim Jong Un reported scoring 16 goals in a game after using an anti-aircraft gun on the goalie.
–
#FAOSchwarz‘s flagship store in New York is closing. For many of us, especially #TomHanks fans, that’s a #Big loss.
–
American Pharoah has a misspelled name. These days does that make him truly America’s horse?
–
Walt Disney World is opening an Indiana Jones Themed bar and restaurant. Not sure all the entrees, but will one of them have to be snake?
–
It’s May 17. Which means we are only a month and two days away from a potential game 7 in the NBA finals No joke. #andtheysaythebaseballseasonistoolong
Happiest people besides Houston Rockets fans after the Los Angeles Clippers’ collapse in game six? Advertisers for the fourth quarter of game seven. Regardless of the score, NO ONE is going to turn the game off early.
–
When asked if their hockey team could win the Stanley Cup most New Yorkers answer “Yes.” Most Floridians answer “We have a hockey team?”
–
Full credit to whoever was in charge of music at Great American Ballpark last night. While the smokestack burned they played “We Didn’t Start The Fire.”
Meanwhile , so all that the #SFGiants were missing to turn into an offensive juggernaut was for someone to set a fire in the outfield?
–
-A US raid has killed a major ISIS commander. Finally something the GOP won’t blame on Obama.
–
Elizabeth Warren at the Anaheim Convention Center with one of the best summation of the 2016 GOP Presidential candidates: Some of them took too many rides on the tea cups across the street.
–
Anti-vaccine protestors outside the California Democratic convention have a number of signs. Including one that says the Republicans are against mandatory childhood vaccinations. And a number of Democratic candidates are thinking “Can we borrow that sign?”
–
The Clintons have apparently made $30 million in the last 16 months. “Slackers,” sniffed Mitt Romney.
–
Some Republicans are blasting Bill and Hillary Clinton for making $30 million mostly off speeches. At least they think Chelsea will make her money the American way – by inheriting it.
From Bill Littlejohn: ” At a Connecticut golf course, a man in one group ahead brandished a gun on a second group behind who complained that they were moving too slow and demanded to play through. This gives new meaning to ‘approach shot’.”
(wonder if he was on vacation from Florida)
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: American Pharoah jokes, Bush jokes, Clinton jokes, Janice Hough, NBA jokes, SFGiants jokes, Triple Crown jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
April 21, 2015
Okay, who says I never say anything nice about Yasiel Puig?. He just applauded an amazing outfield catch by Justin Maxwell. Of a ball Puig himself had hit. Don’t get used to this, LA friends. #SFGiants #Dodgers
#Whythereisnosatire. Actual comment on a Tripadvisor hotel review -“The beach was too sandy.”
–
So apparently a number of wealthy people in California are ignoring requests and warnings of fines to conserve during the drought, and are keeping their lawns lush and green. Fine then, if money is no object maybe we should just pass a temporary law requiring them to use bottled water.
–
Another thought to deal with wealthy California water wasters who have no intention of giving up their lush lawns: Vigilante herds of cows. #grassfedbeef
–
–
#NFLschedule for 2015 out at 5pm PT. And presumably at 501p #Raiders fans announced they have been shafted.
–
–
In Naples, a 49 year old grandmother was arrested for DUI after she rear-ended another car in her BMW, with her 10 year old grandson in the car, while wearing only sandals and a bikini. Back on your game, Florida.
–
ESPN has a factoid today: When Tim Tebow was at Florida and took the snap within 2 yards of the goal like, the Gators scored 59% of the time, while the SEC as a whole converted 53%. Then in the pros he scored on 80% of such opportunities, compared to under 50% for the rest of the NFL.. Hmm, maybe the coach who SHOULD have signed Tim as a backup QB was Pete Carroll.
Gwyneth Paltrow has finally legally filed for divorce from Chris Martin. So guess what guys, she’s single.
–
Queen Elizabeth II just celebrated her 89th birthday today. It’s all part of her grand plan to live forever. Or at least outlive Charles and Camilla. #GodsavetheQueen
–
What’s more amazing, that Cincinnati Reds manager Bryan Price reportedly dropped the F-bomb 77 times in a rant against the media, or that someone in the media took the time to count the F-bombs?
–
A 70 year old woman was arrested at JFK for trying to smuggle 4 lbs of cocaine in her panties. So how would you now like to be the customs officer in charge now trying to figure out whether or not to search possible Depends wearers?
–
Charles Koch, talking about the Presidential election said that “he and his brother are “only” planning to spend about $300 million “directly” on electoral politics in 2016, including federal and state elections. Well, gosh, pocket change. So why should we worry about money in politics?
–
A new study involving over 95,000 children found no link between the MMR vaccine and autism. Alas, a lot of the people affected will put the results down to commie-pinko stuff like numbers. #cantfixstupid
–
Jessa Duggar Seewald, one of the “19 Kids and Counting” herd, has announced she is expecting a baby on her first wedding anniversary. What took so long?
–
Josh Gordon has admitted his season long suspension, following probation, was from drinking alcohol on the Browns’ private plane in January. And CB Joe Haden said “Nobody was aware that he couldn’t drink.” Uh, except Gordon.
From Alex Kaseberg “A German study claims watching too much Internet porn can cause short-term memory loss. I don’t believe it, besides, what do those Swedes know anyway?”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, drought joke, Duggar jokes, Florida jokes, Gwyneth Paltrow jokes, Janice Hough, Queen Elizabeth jokes, SFGiants jokes, Tebow jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
November 1, 2014
Lots of happy #SFGiants fans were taking pictures in the rain at #SFGiantsParade Over-under on folks needing new cellphones today?
–
So many people think newspapers are irrelevant these days. But wonder how many are saving screen shots of the SF Giants World Series victory for their children and grandchildren.
–
SF mayor Ed Lee, speaking at a post-parade ceremony “Panda, you own the postseason.” And the SFGiants are thinking, “Great, you just maybe cost us another $10-20 million?”
–
Great post parade line from Buster Posey to #HunterPence “See those cameras back there? That means live TV.” #SFGiants
–
The SF Giants used pictures from their last World Series Parade to advertise yesterday’s parade. If new manager Joe Maddon leads the Cubs to a title, they’ll need to find someone who’s an expert in reproducing cave paintings.
–
Today, November 1. is “Day of the Dead.” This is a holiday in Mexico. Not the Michigan football homecoming.
–
The Los Angeles Dodgers have 7 free agents. Hanley Ramirez,Chris Perez, Jamey Wright, Paul Maholm, Roberto Hernandez, Kevin Correia and Josh Beckett. “Gosh, I really really hope we can keep them” said no Dodgers fans
–
Pablo Sandoval says he wants to remain a Giant, though the Red Sox are interested. So what will it take? Maybe $100 million over 5 years. And a copy of Boston’s weather report. (Freezing temperatures this weekend.)
–
This would be funnier if it weren’t sad for the pilots. Still, euphemism of the year perhaps, Virgin Galactic’s SpaceShipTwo space tourism rocket crashing in Mojave desert. And Virgin Galactic reported it as an “in-flight anomaly.”
–
Former Florida congressman Trey Radel, who pleaded guilty to cocaine possession in 2013, has had his criminal record expunged after completing “all conditions of his probation.” Expunged. Does this make him an honorary football player?
–
If they gave away free candy at polling place would people make as much effort to vote as they do to trick or treat? #Halloween #Electionday
How scary was this on Halloween? A senator spoke honestly in public: Mary Landrieu, asked why Obama has such low approval ratings in Louisiana. “I’ll be very, very honest with you. The South has not always been the friendliest place for African-Americans. It’s been a difficult time for the president to present himself in a very positive light as a leader.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Florida jokes, football jokes, Janice Hough, Michigan jokes, Panda jokes, parade jokes, SFGiants jokes, World Series jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
October 21, 2014
Really good of #JoeBuck to educate us repeatedly on how the #SFGiants are without #AngelPagan, a vital part of their team. #WorldSeries
–
A few weeks after Matt Cain’s perfect game in 2012 I got upgraded on a plane and seated next to Karl Ravech. Told him that as impressive as Cain was, along with Cy Young winner Lincecum, I didn’t think either of them would end up being the best of the Giants’ current pitchers. Might not have been my worst hunch ever. #Madbum.
–
Really a shame #WorldSeries game 1 is in an American League park. #Madbum is probably upset that he hasn’t had a chance to bat. #SFGiants
–
And we thought Jeter was precocious? #MadisonBumgarner turned 25 on Aug 1. he is pitching in his third #WorldSeries. #SFGiants
–
Is #BusterPosey trying to set a record for being thrown out at home in the postseason?
–
The Kansas City Royals are a great story. But as to the die-hard long-suffering fan narrative? The team ranked 25th in attendance this year. 25th. #bandwagon #Worldseries
–
Dallas has waived #MichaelSam from their practice squad. Well, at least I can go back to hating the #Cowboys again.
–
Taylor Swift is now doing marketing promos for Subway. How long until she breaks off the partnership and writes a song about it for Quiznos?
–
Anthony Weiner told Politico that his career in politics “is probably over.”‘ What was his first clue?
–
Tim Tebow, on the woeful Florida Gators: “One of the biggest problems on the offense is leadership.” And fans are thinking “What leadership?”
–
In Florida, there’s a lot of voting by mail. One contentious issue this year is “Amendment 2,” which would legalize medical marijuana. It’s expected to be close — advocates are just hoping many supporters send their ballots back BEFORE the election.
(as my friend Jim M.. says “Dude, where’s my vote?”)
–
Oscar Pistorius was sentenced to five years for killing his girlfriend. Under South African law, after 10 months, 1/6 of his sentence, he can ask for house arrest. When all this is over wonder Oscar’s friends have warned him not to come to the U.S. and steal any of his memorabilia…
–
Love it. Rwanda’s Ministry of Health will screen all visitors who have been in the United States or Spain 22 days before arrival. Travelers will have their temperatures taken and anyone with a fever will be denied entry; others will have to report their health daily. Maybe to be safe the rest of the world should start quarantining Texans?
‘
Legendary Washington Post editor Ben Bradlee, 93, has died. For the younger generation, yes, there was a time when people actually got their news from newspapers, and when we were shocked that politicians really were crooks,
Had Renee Zellwegger had her work done during the filming of Jerry Maguire, the movie might have ended, “Hello, I’m looking for my wife…. Uh, who the hell are you?”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Florida jokes, Janice Hough, Joe Buck jokes, Michael Sam jokes, Renee Zellwegger jokes, Royals jokes, SFGiants jokes, World Series jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
October 8, 2014
SF Giants were 1-11 with men in scoring position tonight. Has to be voodoo.
Hunter Pence, who made an incredible catch tonight, along with a hit and a walk, was so overdue he’s been scheduled for a pitocin drip #SFGiants
(guys, ask your wives)
–
Got to give props to Bryce Harper for this story relayed by a sportswriter friend. When the SF Giants Nationals game was over, apparently a Washington reporter told Harper “They stole that series from you.” And Harper responded, “No, they stole nothing. They earned this win. Write it.”
–
–
Meanwhile, Clayton Kershaw making a strong case for the title Mr. September.
There’s a reason they vote for MVP and Cy Young at the end of the regular season.
–
Meanwhile Yasiel Puig didn’t start today’s NLDS game #4 between LA and STL. Thereby disappointed Dodgers fans who were convinced he would hit a game-winning home run, and Giants fans who were convinced it would be fun to watch him strike out.
–
U.N. experts of have dismissed the claim of an explorer who says he found the long-lost Santa Maria, saying that the wreck isn’t old enough to be that of a 16th century ship. What was their first clue, parts stamped “Made in China”?
–
NY Jets QB Geno Smith said he was late to a team meeting in San Diego because he had confused his time zones. Yo, Geno, except that New York is three hours AHEAD of California. Not sure what Smith majored in at West Virginia, but pretty sure it wasn’t math.
–
Police were called when Florida’s 2nd backup QB Skyler Mornhinweg was apparently been involved in a fight with another player. This after #1 backup QB Treon Harris was suspended after he was accused of sexual assault. Are we sure former coach Urban Meyer isn’t still somehow involved.
–
Some complaints on #ESPN‘s #MLBplayoffs coverage. But we should realize by now, ESPN thinks season ended when #Jeter & #Yankees eliminated.
–
U.S. Marshals found that a prisoner taken from his cell to a Washington D.C Superior court arrived at court carrying a loaded gun. Is the Secret Service in charge of D.C. jails too?
–
-NY Jets coach Rex Ryan said if “we don’t get this thing – (the 2014 season) on the right track, I don’t think for a minute I’ll be here” in 2015. Not sure if Rex is more expecting to be fired or to quit in disgust.
From T.C. “”Washington Nationals coaches, managers and executives are absolutely ecstatic over losing to the SF Giants tonight. They now can rest pitcher Stephen Strasburg until next season.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Dodgers jokes, Janice Hough, Kershaw jokes, NLDS jokes, SFGiants jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
October 5, 2014
18 innings. Wonder how this SFGiants Washington Nationals game would have had to go until we got to penalty kicks?
After Belt’s home run in the 18th, figured the game had gone on so long FOX announcers might actually say nice things about San Francisco Giants in hopes of just getting to go home. #SFvsWAS
–
The game did only end at midnight thought, and lots of #Nationals fans had already left. Where do they think they were? Chavez Ravine? #SFGiants
–
Until tonight #SFGiants pitcher Yusmeiro Petit managed to almost throw a perfect game against the Mets (8 2/3 innings), and broke the MLB record of 46 straight batters retired. But no one nationally had heard of him. Until tonight.
–
Nice #Friendsarewaiting Budweiser commercial about the guy who stays with friends instead of driving home drunk. But it doesn’t show the dog pee somewhere all over the floor….
Despite a tough loss for the Cardinal, it was 40 degrees and rainy in South Bend, and 90 degrees and sunny in Palo Alto #Stanford #NotreDame
–
–
Bobby Jindal said yesterday that President Obama should stop all air traffic from countries with Ebola. So what are the Louisiana Governor’s plans for closing his state’s border with Texas?
–
Two passengers who were vomiting on the plane caused an entire United flight from Brussels to Newark to be quarantined for several hours on arrival. If vomit is enough to spark Ebola fears these days, there are going to be a lot of delays for folks flying home from Las Vegas.
–
Lindsay Graham now says he “may just jump in” to the 2016 Presidential race. And Hillary Clinton is thinking this is almost as good news as having a grandchild.
–
So Derek Jeter is having a big party on Long Island this weekend, which is “trending” because of reports that it’s a secret wedding. Sigh. Well, to be fair, Jeter has been out of the headlines for almost a whole week.
The SF Giants and Washington Nationals played two games and scored only three runs. But now Cal and WSU are playing an arena football game.
#Stanford can’t score, #Cal can’t play defense. This year’s “Big Game” will be subtitled “Something’s gotta give.”
–
Cal wins 60-59 on a missed field goal despite giving up over 800 yards. So was the strategy to wear out Washington State’s kicker with all those PATs?
–
So who figured the center of the college football world would now be Mississippi?
–
From Bill Littlejohn. The U.S. Postal Service is set to unveil new Wilt Chamberlain commemorative stamps—-there are slated to be special notches on the first 20,000 of them”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Cal jokes, college football jokes, Ebola jokes, Janice Hough, Nationals jokes, NLDS jokes, SFGiants jokes, Stanford jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
September 3, 2014
Leads are so unsafe at Coors Field that you don’t even need a voodoo cat. But one can help. (SF Giants down 6-0, won 12-7)
Meanwhile, anyone seen the #CoorsField humidor repairman? #SFGiants #Rockies
–
ESPN reporting the Cowboys are is bringing in Michael Sam for a physical Wednesday, and they hope to sign him to the Dallas practice squad. Not sure who will have a harder time, Cowboys fans who are homophobic and can’t stand the idea of rooting for a gay man, or gay-friendly liberals who can’t stand the idea of rooting for Dallas.
–
The NY Yankees announced that the entire team will wear a patch honoring Derek Jeter’s final-season logo on their hats and uniforms from Sept. 7 through the end of the season. Gosh. I know I’ve been busy and probably missed the initial coverage, but just how many months does poor Jeter have left to live?
–
From Alex Kaseberg. “The New York Yankees will mark the rest of the year by wearing Derek Jeter patches on their hats and uniforms. In addition, the clubhouse will feature Alex Rodriguez toilet paper.”
–
No joke, the owner of a shooting range where a 9 year old girl accidentally killed her instructor with an Uzi said shooting the gun was “something that was high on her bucket list to do.” A bucket list? At 9? Maybe because with this kind of stupidity from her parents none of them will live to be old?
–
Another air rage incident over reclining seats results in a plane being diverted, this time Delta. Of course, the airlines could avoid these issues by putting their seats far enough apart for average humans…. Or more likely they’ll start training their flight crews in the use of handcuffs.
–
The state of Colorado isn’t taking in as much in taxes on legalized marijuana as expected. On the other hand, law enforcement costs must be down. And is the state figuring in taxes from increased tourism, and sales taxes on junk food?
–
SF 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh was asked if he had a comment on the 49ers’ NFL-leading 10 arrests since 2012, and responded, “We’re going to do everything in our power to make sure there isn’t a pattern forming.” Uh, coach, there’s ALREADY a pattern forming.
–
Stanford beat UC Davis 45-0 last Saturday and fell two places in the Coaches’ Poll. Clearly they should have held the Aggies to negative points.
–
The NFL has apparently suspended Wes Welker four games for use of amphetamines. Let the “tainted supplement” whining begin, again.
–
So the story is that Wes Welker allegedly took MDMA (Molly) while attending the Kentucky Derby in May. How stupid can he be if so. The official mind-altering drug of choice during the Derby is always the Mint Julep.
–
It’s now the “USA Today AMWAY Top 25 Coaches Poll.” Once again, can’t imagine how college football players get the idea playing the sport should be about money.
–
My friend Jon N. says “Actually, Amway only named the top five. Then each of those five had to select five. Then, by adding more levels, everyone enjoys greater success!”
–
Justin Bieber was arrested again this weekend while vacationing in Ontario, Canada. Bieber was charged for dangerous driving and assault after his ATV allegedly collided with a minivan. Clearly another international incident that is a failure of Obama’s leadership…. Time to secure that Northern Border.
–
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Bieber jokes, college football jokes, Coors field jokes, Cowboys jokes, Janice Hough, Michael Sam jokes, SFGiants jokes, Wes Welker jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
August 20, 2014
George W. Bush has taken the #ALSicebucketchallenge and challenged Bill Clinton to do the same. And Bill responded “Take the Ice bucket challenge? I’ve been married to her for 39 years?
–
–
Sarah Palin, still annoyed at Tina Fey: “You need to at least pay for my kids’ braces or something from all the money that you made off of pretending that you’re me! My goodness, you capitalized on that” But what about all the money Palin has made pretending that she’s a serious politician?
–
The father of a Texas teenager who escaped jail due to his “affluenza” defense, has now himself been arrested for impersonating a police officer. (Dad allegedly threatened a neighbor, then presented fake credentials to that neighbor and the real police.) Guess this apple didn’t swagger far from the tree
–
According to Forbes, the Dallas Cowboys are the most valuable NFL time, worth $3.2 billion. Gosh. Can you imagine how much the team would be worth if they ever had some revenue from the playoffs.
–
CNN headline: Iceland’s Bardarbunga volcano rumbles, could threaten air travel. The volcano hasn’t erupted yet, and last erupted in 1910. But the network is already so excited about another potential plane story…..
So in the 4th inning, it was not yet an official game, but 8-2 for the SF Giants. Wonder if Cubs ground crew thought about turning on the sprinklers?
–
#HunterPenceSigns Hunter Pence knows how to unroll a bleeping tarp #Tarpgate #Wrigley #SFGiants #Cubs
–
#NotTheOnion – John Shea reports that #Cubs grounds crew was watering the field at #Wrigley today. #TarpGate
–
Philadelphia pitcher A.J. Burnett says he is thinking of retiring after the season. As opposed to the rest of the Phillies, who called it quits before the All-Star break.
–
Headline for today “Is Rick Perry sunk for 2016?” This assumes he was ever afloat.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Clinton jokes, Cubs jokes, Janice Hough, SFGiants jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
August 13, 2014
Two things that might be all the younger generation needs to know about Lauren Bacall who passed away today at 89. She was considered one of the sexiest women alive, without selfies, wardrobe malfunctions or sex tapes. And she was on People Magazine’s 50 most beautiful list. At the age of 72.
–
And yes, youngsters, “just like Bogie and Bacall” was a real thing. Not just a song verse. #LaurenBacall. And they both were hot.
–
Kate Upton used to be a NY Yankees fan, now she is dating Justin Verlander. But the Yankees are telling her she can’t wear any Tigers gear in the stadium. It’s that kind of generosity of spirit that has made the Yankees so beloved outside the Bronx.
–
Great line from Alex Kaseberg “Well, the good news, amid the interminable sadness, is no comedian is going to die for a long time. Nobody in their right mind would try to follow Robin Williams.”
–
So maybe after an open mike night in Heaven, Robin Williams is looking down and thinking about some of the things he will miss in San Francisco. The Giants seem to be trying hard not to be one of them.
–
But on a brief serious note, this is originally a friend’s idea but the #SFGiants should have an annual #RobinWilliams mental health day at AT&T.
The Giants could fundraise with silent auctions of autographed stuff, and requests for donations. And in general try also to raise awareness. Like they do for other diseases. I think Robin would approve.
–
Back to snark. Because doesn’t comedy come from pain. It’s not that the #SFGiants looked bad against Chris Sale, an All-Star. It’s them making any rookie or journeyman pitcher look like an All-Star
–
#SFGiants are 7-22 in their last 29 home games but San Francisco still has the longest sell-out streak still in Major League Baseball. Well, not hard to guess where #50ShadesofGrey will have its biggest opening weekend.
–
Shares of King Digital, the publisher of the Candy Crush mobile game, are down 20% after missing revenue projections. Wonder how big that fall is in “Level” terms.
–
The Secret Service says it finally caught the gang behind the most convincing U.S. counterfeit dollars in the world. Well, the most convincing dollars that we KNOW are counterfeit.
–
NASCAR driver Brad Keselowski said it would be almost impossible for NASCAR to keep drivers from exiting their cars on the track, even with a new rule forbidding it except in case of possible fire. Uh, suspension for the next race? Problem solved.
–
The NFL gave Cowboys CB Orlando Scandrick a 4 game suspension for testing positive for Ecstasy. Scandrick’s defense is that his ex-girlfriend persuaded him to add something he didn’t realize was on the banned list into a cocktail. Amazing. All these guys somehow manage to memorize a playbook, but they can’t keep track of a simple list of drugs
–
Facebook message. “add your phone number to help secure your account.” Right, and of course FB would never use your phone number in any way for marketing etc…..
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, lauren bacall jokes, NFL jokes, RIP Robin Williams, Robin Williams jokes, SFGiants jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
Left Coast Sports Babe 