Archive for the ‘political jokes’ category
April 4, 2016
Ah yes, March Madness, when the bracket you actually thought about had UNC to win it all, and you suddenly jump up to 92nd percentile on the bracket where you just picked cats. #Villanova #Wildcats
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But come on, while CBS has the rights, the NCAA men’s championship game tonight was broadcast on… TBS? Sounds like the network is taking college basketball as seriously as the one-and-done players.
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SF Giants’ flight to Milwaukee was delayed over six hours yesterday. Hmm, maybe a little travel stress is better than batting practices for their hitters?
(12-3 win, with back-to-back-to-back home runs)
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Happy #SFGiants Opening Day. It’s partly cloudy about 60 degrees with a high of 68 in SF today, it’s 32 degrees with snow flurries and a high of 40 in Milwaukee. So who drew up this schedule anyway? #baseballshouldnotopenindoors
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Meanwhile, the Yankees-Astros opening game in New York was postponed today due to weather. What a shame. Too bad neither of these teams plays in a warm weather area. Oops, never mind.
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So with all these states talking about religious freedom, how long until some files a lawsuit demanding freedom FROM religion over “God Bless America” being played at so many MLB games?
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Congrats to #LosAngelesRams for winning their 1st pre-season game today against #SDChargers 15-0. Oh wait, never mind. #Dodgers #Padres
Even as a #SFGiants fan I must admit, when you give #Kershaw 15 runs he gives you a pretty good chance to win.
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So both the Indians and Yankees home openers were postponed due to weather. Meaning a lot of fans in Cleveland and New York will be trying to explain how that 24 hour flu is lingering a bit longer.
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The Oakland A’s Sonny Gray has been scratched for his opening night start due to food poisoning, this after he was hospitalized last year with salmonella. The A’s don’t just need a pitching coach, they need a food taster.
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The Raiders have signed Aldon Smith, who is currently serving a 1-year suspension for substance abuse, and has five arrests since he joined the NFL in 2011 – “I think in his heart he’s a good young man” Raiders coach Jack Del Rio.”
Now, wishing Smith the best, but it’s amazing how your chances of being considered “a good young man” go up when you’re a star pass-rusher.
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DE Greg Hardy was convicted of domestic violence in 2014, and pictures showed his ex-girlfriend with multiple bruises, but the case was overturned when the woman stopped cooperating with police. Now, Hardy said in an ESPN interview.”I’ve never put my hand on any women.” Even Bill Cosby is thinking this sounds disingenuous..
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New airlines excuse for the day. JetBlue flight delayed last night from New York to SF….because they put the WRONG FUEL in the plane? So apparently they had to drain it and refuel. Your move, United.
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In the 2016 Airline Quality Rating, Spirit Airlines led U.S. carriers in customer complaints. They might have had more, but given that it’s Spirit they probably charge passengers to complain.
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The Huffington Post is reporting Charles Koch is confident Paul Ryan could be the GOP Presidential nominee if Trump doesn’t get enough delegates. Well, and I am sure the Donald and his supporters will take that gracefully. #passthepopcorn
Electric automaker says they have had delayed deliveries of their Model S and X this quarter because of part shortages caused by “Tesla’s hubris.” Hmm, I thought the hubris was reserved for Tesla owners.
Categories: airline jokes, baseball jokes, March madness jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, March madness jokes, MLB jokes, Opening day jokes, SFGiants jokes, villanova jokes, Voodcate ddoo caat does appr, Yankees jokes
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March 31, 2016
As the D’Angelo Russell videotape story grows, Lakers fans have to be thinking nostalgically back to the days when their team was just embarrassing ON the court.
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The NCAA is apologizing for a “clerical error” which resulted in an “errant text” sent to South Carolina saying that they were had been selected for the men’s basketball tournament. No word on if such a text went to any other teams who didn’t really get in, like the Philadelphia 76ers.
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The Red Sox have announced that Travis Shaw will start Opening Day at third base over Pablo Sandoval. The Panda’s response “It’s going to be difficult, but I have to be happy. [Shaw] has had a fantastic spring. I’ll just focus on working hard.”
Uh, if Sandoval had been focused on working hard, he’d probably be starting.
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Mattel has apparently lost over $3 million that they wired in response to a fake email from China. Hmm. Wonder if it’s too late for the company to put the brakes on “Nigerian Princess Barbie?”
In Alabama, a husband and wife who both teach at the same private school were both arrested for having sex with students. Of course, being Alabama have to wonder how many people are going
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Sarah Palin says her husband Todd is back home “on the couch” recovering from his snowmobile accident injuries. So is he helping her keep an eye on Russia?
So apparently Bachelor Ben and his fiancee Lauren are having issues. Ah for those more innocent days when train wrecks on reality TV would only result in broken hearts rather than potential leaders of the free world.
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John Kasich today in a New York press conference listed “five things that continue to prove that Donald Trump is clearly not prepared to be President of the United States, commander in chief, leader of the free world.”
One of the easiest jobs in the world this fall, on the other hand, might be doing commercials for the Democratic Presidential nominee #workisbeingdoneforyou
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Some days you wonder whether Donald Trump really wants to say “Just kidding, folks, I don’t want to be President.” On the subject of Muslims , he mentioned he had Muslim friends “”In most cases, they’re very rich Muslims, OK?” Then when Chris Matthews asked about them entering the U.S. “They’ll come in. And you’ll have exceptions.”
Right, because there’s no way ISIL could make a terrorist look rich?
(and my friend Tom Dodd points out that Osama Bin Laden came from a wealthy family.)
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Another day, another random mass shooting in America. Think I’ve got this down: If the dead suspect is Muslim it’s terrorism, if he’s Christian, especially if he’s white, it’s mental illness.
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Today’s first installment in “How low can you go” – aka the GOP Primary: Ted Cruz on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” about Trump “I were in my car and getting ready to reverse and saw Donald in the backup camera, I’m not confident which pedal I would push.”
And the second from the GOP campaign
#howlowcanyougo, “Mr. Lovable,” Ted Cruz is having his campaign question John Kasich’s 500 signatures submitted to qualify for the Montana ballot., Yes, 500, and apparently Kasich submitted 622….
Ted Cruz won a court case in Pennsylvania challenging his US citizenship. Maybe because Canada now disowns him?
Categories: GOP jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Lakers jokes, mattel jokes, primary jokes, Trump jokes
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March 29, 2016
Nice “aww” story, A young boy ran on the basketball court in New Orleans to give Carmelo Anthony a hug. Of course, it could have ended badly – the kid could have dunked on the Knicks.
UConn women’s basketball team is so dominant, that it’s become controversial whether or not they are good for the sport. Perhaps after the season the Lady Huskies should be forced to play a team more on their level – like the Lakers. (or Knicks or Lakers)
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The Pelicans had SEVEN injured players for their game against the Knicks Monday, and New Orleans still won, 99-91. Wow. Carmelo and the team didn’t need a hug for that performance, they needed a time-out.
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The FBI is dropping their sui against Apple because they say they have cracked the San Bernandino terrorist’s iPhone. So they finally tried “password1234″” instead of “password123”?
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Donald Trump’s campaign manager was charge with battery after an incident when he grabbed a woman reporter earlier this month. Although knowing Trump supporters they’ll probably just take it as a positive sign that the Donald will be tough on the media.
#DougFlutie‘s “Hail Mary” 1984 pass is almost as much of a miracle as the fact he’s gotten me to watch #DWTS
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An Indian company. Bakeys, has developed edible, compostable cutlery, made of rice, millet and wheat, offered in sweet, savory, or plain flavors. The utensils even work for hot items, including soup. Only problem going forward in the U.S? At places like Taco Bell they may taste better than the food.
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Wish this were the Onion: A company has reportedly come up with a handgun that looks like a Smartphone and unfolds to fire. #Whatcouldpossiblygowrong?
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R.I.P Patty Duke, 69. Does it mean you’re old when you remember when 69 was old.
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In Northern California, a man who left his dog in his car when he had to spend a night in jail, has now pleaded no contest to animal cruelty and has been sentenced to 24 days MORE in jail. The sentence begins presumably after he finds a dogsitter?
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A new app, Daily Joints, wants to be Tinder for marijuana users. With the added advantage that if it doesn’t work out, you don’t remember who you hooked up with anyway.
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The NFL apparently wants a retraction from the New York Times about a story claiming concussion cases were omitted when the league downplayed the effects of head injuries on players.
Politico reports a letter sent from the NFL to the paper says the story is “false and defamatory.” Like the Pentagon Papers?
Are you listening, Susan Sarandon? Even the church of baseball has some absolutes.
There are rumors that several Cuban migrants who were rescued from a raft off the Florida coast with gunshot wounds may have shot themselves in order to be taken to U.S. hospitals and thus given asylum. And Trump really thinks a wall will stop desperate people?
Categories: GOP jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: DWTS jokes, fbi jokes, flutie jokes, Janice Hough, Knicks jokes, Lakers jokes, password jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
March 28, 2016
The #Lakers lost tonight to the #Jazz 123-75. So real question of the night – how did #LA ever beat the #Warriors?
#Texas women’s basketball team lost to #UConn “only” 86-65. So maybe a moral victory? Kind of like the Alamo? #MarchMadness
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You think just MAYBE Roy Williams has his #UNC Tarheels doing drills on how to beat the press? #FinalFour #Syracuse
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#Virginia lost 15 point lead to Syracuse yesterday in under 4 min. Cavaliers hadn’t suddenly looked that bad since 2007 when #Cleveland was swept by the #Spurs
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Dirk Nowitzki, 37, told ESPN that he’s thought about playing beyond his contract that ends with Dallas in 2017. Well, by then Dirk might almost be old enough to sign with the Spurs.
Colts owner Jim Irsay is now saying of football “”I believe this: That the game has always been a risk, you know…. You take an aspirin and I take an aspirin. It might give you extreme side effects of illness and your body . . . may reject it, where I would be fine.”
Hmm, looks like not only can you get CTE from playing football, you can get it from owning a team.
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A new biography says that Kris Jenner helped her daughter Kim Kardashian leak her sex tape. “I’m shocked,” said nobody.
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All of these “urgent” fundraising emails saying “we’re almost at our goal.” Just once I would like to get an email saying “Thanks, we made our goal and we don’t need any money.” #wecandream
Georgia Gov. Nathan Deal, a Republican, vetoed a “religious freedom” bill that had many businesses, movie studios and even the NFL up in arms over it being discriminatory against LGBTs. He said the bill was “unnecessary,” and “allowed outsiders to cast doubt on the character of Georgia and Georgians.”
And guessing Deal had billion$ of other rea$on$.
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Donald Trump, when asked on a Wisconsin radio about disparaging women “But certainly I never thought I would run for office.”
Right, so he gets a clean slate? But did he forgot about that 2000 campaign?
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U.S. shooting suspect Larry Dawson apparently disrupted a Congressional hearing last fall, saying he was a “prophet of God.” And so he has been different from Ted Cruz how?
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Another of those stories you can’t make up. Alabama Governor Robert Bentley denies an affair, despite recently released recordings where he talks about kissing his advisor and about her breasts. Well, Bentley’s a BIble-thumper kind of guy -so maybe he was reading her the Song of Solomon?
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Anthony Weiner said to Huffington Post “I’m probably the best campaign politician you’ll ever interview. I mean, I’m like perfectly evolved. I’m like the Arnold Schwarzenegger, Terminator…”
Hmm, does that mean there’s a kid with one of his housekeepers somewhere?
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From T.C. “A North Carolina man was arrested for failing to return a VHS rental tape from 14 years ago to a now defunct video store. The outstanding fine is $200. On top of that, there’s a 50 cent fee if he didn’t rewind it.”
Categories: GOP jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Irsay jokes, Janice Hough, Lakers jokes, March madness jokes, robert bentley jokes, Syracuse jokes, Trump jokes, virginia jokes, Warriors jokes
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March 27, 2016
Wonder how many sports fans decided to turn off the Syracuse Virginia game late in favor of sitting down to Easter dinner with their families #neveragain
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This might have been the most abject & complete surrender with #VIrginia not at the Appomattox Court House. #MarchMadness #Syracuse
Silver lining for today’s Syracuse-Virginia game: Alums of Northern Iowa no longer have to be known for the biggest late choke job in the 2016 #MarchMadness tournament.
So who is happier after Syracuse’s amazing comeback today against Virginia. Stunned Syracuse alums? Or North Carolina fans who suddenly see their way a bit clearer to the finals? #iftheydontfreakoutoverapress
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#Virginia got outscored 28-8 in the last 9 minutes of game. With shooting like that they’ll be getting a post-game call from Dick Cheney?
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Stanford women lost today in the Elite Eight of the NCAA women’s basketball tournament. But this would all be more interesting if the end goal wasn’t simply to get into the finals and be destroyed by UConn. #dominance
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#Microsoft is rumored to be thinking of buying #Yahoo. The computer industry version of two wrongs trying to make a right?
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A proposed new law in New Jersey would make it illegal to text and walk on public sidewalks and roads. Isn’t this a violation of our American rights to go for Darwin awards?
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“Batman vs. Superman” has gotten horrible reviews, but apparently still has made almost $200 million on its opening weekend. When asked what they thought of the plot, most moviegoers responded “Plot?”
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The Rolling Stones just had a free concert in Havana. Cubans loved it. Watching Mick Jagger and Keith Richards on stage made them think their cars really aren’t that old by comparison.
John Kasich today said that the families of presidential candidates to stay “off-limits.” “You cannot get these attacks on families There’s got to be some rules.”
And Hillary’s spouse is thinking “Sounds good to me.”
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Donald Trump says if elected he would cut down on his use of Twitter “I’m not going to be doing it very much as president. I will act to protect our country, whether that’s counterpunching or not.”
But what about protecting our country’s comedy writers?
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NBC News foreign affairs correspondent Andrea Mitchell says Donald Trump is “completely uneducated about any part of the world.”
And many Trump supporters are going- she says that like it’s a bad thing?
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Bernie Sanders is sending emails complaining about how “obscene” it is for Hillary Clinton to attend a charity event with George Clooney with a $353,400 price tag per couple to be at the head table. Fair enough, but a- the price to attend the dinner is “only” $33,400, and b- not like Bernie himself is turning down big $$$ celebrity donations. #allmoneyistainted
Categories: March madness jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Batman jokes, Clinton jokes, Cuba jokes, Easter jokes, Janice Hough, March madness jokes, superman jokes, Syracuse jokes, virginia jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
March 25, 2016
This year the Arizona Diamondbacks will debut a Cheeseburger Dog:. It’s a hot dog made of ground up grilled hamburgers mixed with cheese, green onions and chopped bacon, breaded, deep-fried and then served on a bun with more bacon and “secret sauce.” The sauce ingredients presumably include beta-blockers.
Stanford has hired UAB’s Jerod Haase as their new men’s basketball coach. The school did warn Haase that his players will have distractions now, like class?
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In New Jersey, police said a couple having sex in an SUV were found dead this morning of carbon monoxide poisoning. Now that I suppose is the ultimate Darwin award – taking yourself out of the gene pool WHILE reproducing.
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The National Enquirer is alleging that Ted Cruz had several extra-marital affairs. Shocking. There might be more than one woman who actually wanted to sleep with him?
Ted Cruz is claiming that the National Enquirer story about his alleged affairs is “complete and utter lies,” and “this garbage does not belong in politics.” Right, you should stick to lying about your opponents dropping out of the race.
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On the brighter side for Ted Cruz maybe he can spin this Enquirer story as being the only candidate young enough running for President who people might believe still has sex?
As the #CruzSexScandal unfolds, waiting for #Trump to declare pridefully “I marry MY mistresses.”
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Well, and who would believe the #NationalEnquirer? #CruzSexScandal #JohnEdwards
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So let’s open up the pool. If it’s Trump or Cruz – list your prediction for the first big-name Republican to come out and say “F*ck it, I’m voting for Hillary and we’ll regroup for 2020 to make her a one-term President.”
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Whatever the FBI discovers, time may be on Hillary Clinton’s side with this supposed email scandal. As it may not be long until most people won’t even remember what a Blackberry was.
Several thousand people have apparently signed a petition to allow the carrying of firearms in and around Cleveland’s Quicken Loans Arena, which will host the 2016 Republican National Convention in July.
Who says there’s no bipartisan agreement in this country? As a Democrat I have no problem with their petition. #cullingtheherd
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At SMU, a former sorority member has filed a lawsuit saying the Kappa Kappa Gamma’s required her and others to dance semi-naked in front of incoming freshman, and then had the “house mom” secretly record a tape the chapter then used for blackmail.
So, yes, not all the evils of the world can be put down to testosterone poisoning.
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From Gary Bachman: “The National Enquirer claims Ted Cruz had extramarital affairs with five women. ‘Amateur’ said Bill Clinton.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Cruz jokes, Enquirer jokes, New Jersey jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
March 24, 2016
Today #Cruz called #Trump a “sniveling coward.” So in Presidential debates can we expect one of them to say “#Hillary you ignorant slut?”
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The GOP has hammered Obama for staying in Cuba and then traveling to Argentina after the Brussels attacks. Right, a real leader would have stayed home and fought a Twitter battle over his opponent’s spouses?
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Today was the 15th anniversary of the day Randy Johnson pulverized a bird with a pitch. Poor bird, if he had only been hit by Barry Zito, he’d have been telling the story to his grandchicks.
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#RGIII has signed with the Cleveland #Browns. Same circus, different ringmaster?
In Indiana, it is now illegal to abort a pregnancy because of fetal abnormalities. But no doubt the “pro-life” folks will also make sure mothers of disabled babies/children/adults will have welfare and medical care as long as they need it…… #sarcasm
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In Palm Bay, a 24-year-old woman, angry her boyfriend was at a topless bar, confronted him in the parking lot, fought with him, and then ran him over with a car Back on your game, Florida. #ifonlyshewasarmed
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Florida looking to extend their lead for the week: A woman and her husband were both arrested after she hit him with a Burrito Supreme and he responded by stabbing her in the hand with a fork he was using to eat a Taco Bell pizza. #standyourguacamole?
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Arizona Cardinals coach Bruce Arians, saying only “fools” don’t want their kids to play football. “This is the greatest game in the world I think it teaches more values than any other game that you play.”
Right, that’s why the NFL leads other pro sports leagues with their arrest rate….
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You know it’s really spring in Denver when…. a blizzard shuts down the airport.
Passengers on board a private plane escaped injury when their landing gear collapsed at San Jose Airport. Good thing it wasn’t United – they’d have probably started to charge a wheels fee.
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So in the SF Bay Area March means two things: Next month the Giants are back. And next month the 49ers will make another bad draft pick.
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OK, 66 is WAY too damn young. R.I.P Garry Shandling. My favorite quote – “My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.”
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Michele Bachmann wrote a long rambling post basically intimating that the Brussels bombings were Obama’s fault because God wanted to force the media to pull their attention from his Cuba trip. Wow. Is Bachmann angling for a post in a possible Trump cabinet?
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From Dwight Perry, “If you think the NFL’s “what’s a catch?” rule can be cruel, ponder this for a second: Northern Iowa won an NCAA tournament game on a half-court heave that was still in the air 10 feet from the basket when the final buzzer sounded — and Cincinnati lost even though its tying shot was inside the cylinder at the buzzer. The latter because the shooter’s fingertip was still touching the ball.
Yeah, sports are weird.
Categories: airline jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Cruz jokes, Cuba jokes, Florida jokes, football jokes, Janice Hough, Trump jokes
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March 23, 2016
A new Harris study says that Americans drink more when they are happy and celebrating than when they are stressed and having bad days. Which does not quite explain beer sales over the years at Wrigley Field.
Carmelo Anthony says that Syracuse is going to beat Gonzaga on Friday: “We’re going to win. We’re going to the Elite 8.” Wonder if the 2016 Knicks could make it to the Elite 8.
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Aaron Rodgers says he saw a UFO in New Jersey in 2005. Is he sure it wasn’t one of Eli Manning’s rookie year passes?
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Conrad Dobler, 65, a retired NFL offensive guard, said in an interview talking about his memory loss. “I have six kids, I don’t even know their names.”
Sad, but in the NFL there are young men without CTE who don’t even know how many kids they HAVE.
The JetBlue flight attendant who fled a security checkpoint after being caught trying to smuggle 70lb of cocaine in her carry-on bag has turned herself in. Still trying to wrap my head around that 70 lbs – and I thought my purse was heavy.
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After playing the Cuban national team the Tampa Bay Rays’ plane had mechanical issues and was stuck on the tarmac for hours in Havana. So the U.S. players must have felt right at home.
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Forbes says the New York Yankees are the most valuable team in baseball, now at a $3.4 billion valuation. Imagine what they’d be worth with real playoff revenue again.
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A-Rod told ESPN.com today that “I won’t play after next year.” Later he told the NY Daily News that after his contract ends in 2017, “we’ll see what happens.”
“Atta boy,” said Brett Favre.
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Lebron James said on the A&M comeback over UNI: “I would quit basketball. If I was on Northern Iowa, I would quit.”
Hmm, because that loss was almost as embarrassing as getting swept by the Spurs in the the 2007 NBA finals? #stayclassy
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At Stanford Shopping Center in California, an off-duty police officer working security for a business accidentally left his gun in a restroom. Fortunately it was found and turned in by another security guard. Bringing to mind another question – how do you stop a stupid guy with a gun?
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In Wisconsin, a 17-year-old girl who says she didn’t even know she was pregnant gave birth to a baby in her bathroom. Fortunately the child is doing well. Got to love that “abstinence only” education.
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Jeb Bush has endorsed Ted Cruz. And Cruz must be so thrilled to have such a winner on his team.
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Donald Trump is apparently furious at Ted Cruz for using a scantily-clad picture of Melania from her model days in a campaign ad. Hmm, well, if that upsets him so much am sure the Democrats will honor Trump’s wishes and never post any of those pictures in the general election.
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One thing is pretty certain out of this Cruz-Trump fight over pictures of their spouses. Pretty sure even the Donald wouldn’t have the stomach to post pictures of a nearly naked Bill Clinton.
Ted Cruz and Donald Trump are calling for extra surveillance of Muslim-Americans. But if you look at recent terrorist acts – there is another link that is even stronger- almost all the killers were relatively young men. So maybe what we REALLY need to do is start seriously monitoring men between the ages of 18-35.
Categories: airline jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, travel jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, Clinton jokes, Cruz jokes, Cuba jokes, Janice Hough, March madness jokes, NFL jokes, Trump jokes, Yankees jokes
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March 22, 2016
But if we stop we stop laughing the terrorists win. #Brussels
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And note to terrorists – Pis off.
(mannekin pis, the unofficial symbol of Brussels.)
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Already some GOP criticism that Obama did not leave Cuba and fly home after the Brussels bombings. Of course, if he had, no doubt the same folks would have accused the President of looking weak and cowed in response to terrorism.
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So let’s see, will Trump or Cruz be the first to call for internment camps?
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For all those who are remembering “24” and thinking what we need is Jack Bauer, or just more torture to prevent attacks, there’s one little detail – torture often doesn’t work. And then we put American lives more at risk. Just saying. And no, it isn’t easy. It is never easy. #Brussels
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The Browns’ owners Jimmy and Dee Haslam said today they don’t feel they enabled Johnny Manziel while he was in Cleveland. And they said it with a straight face.
Jerry Jones says he wants to help Johnny Manziel get his life together off the field before the Cowboys would consider signing him. Translation, we think Romo is healthy and we’re not in panic mode, yet.
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Usain Bolt says he is retiring after the Rio Olympics, and some talk of trying to turn him into a NFL wide receiver But hey, Olympics are over in August. Why not a pinch-runner to be used during MLB’s September call-ups?
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Police in Los Angeles are looking for a JetBlue flight attendant who fled after being chosen for random security screening, leaving behind 70 lbs of cocaine in her carry-on luggage. Shocking, who can LIFT 70 lbs in their carry-on luggage.
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In Alabama, state legislators are considering a bill requiring all teachers to take training on how not to have sex with their students. This is a state that also has “abstinence-only” education. Maybe put the teachers in the same classes? #youcannotmakethisstuffup
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Rudy Giuliani apparently is about to endorse Donald Trump. No date given, but presumably his press conference will be at 9:11 some morning.
CNN “Since declaring its caliphate in June 2014, the self-proclaimed Islamic State has conducted or inspired nearly 75 terrorist attacks in 20 countries outside Iraq and Syria which have killed at least 1,280 people and injured more than 1,770 others.”
Scary. But now for the stats just from the U.S: Through March 22, in 2016, gun violence has killed 2,803 people and injured 5.617 others.
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In 2017, Sarah Palin is apparently going to star in a new “Judge Judy-style” courtroom reality show. Dear gawd. Is this the first step in Palin’s dream of being appointed by President Trump to the Supreme Court?
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Democratic caucus results in Idaho were delayed tonight. Wouldn’t it be have been easier to ask both Democrats in Idaho how they voted?
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R.I.P. Rob Ford. Only 46. He was often a punchline as mayor of Toronto. But he loved his city, he loved his constituents, and while he was deeply flawed, he wasn’t mean.
Categories: political jokes, travel jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Browns jokes, ISIS jokes, Janice Hough, Palin jokes, travel jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
March 21, 2016
By a 6-2 vote, the Supreme Court today rejected a conservative challenge to Colorado’s marijuana legalization laws. Well, guess they don’t call it the High Court for nothing.
Go figure, the #Spurs can stop #StephenCurry and they can’t stop #JeremyLin? #Hornets
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Dwight Howard, who has been warned along with the Rockets team about being caught with a sticky substance on his hand, said “I think that it’s getting overblown, like I’m doing something crazy. But again, I’ve never been a cheater.”
A cheater no, a baby, yes.
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#Patriots owner Robert Kraft apparently wrote NFL commissioner Roger Goodell asking for the #1 draft pick back that the team lost in the #Deflategate scandal. Meanwhile the #Saints wrote Goodell, they want 2012 back.
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The SF 49ers and Santa Clara are haggling over 2016 rent, which was supposed to be $24.5 million; the team wants to pay $20 million. Well, of course, and aren’t most landlords in the SF Bay Area lowering rents in this economy?
(my friend Rich De Give asks “Doesn’t the lease state the 49ers are supposed to field a professional football team?”)
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A new Park Slope, Brooklyn, $1-3 million condo development is going to offer a stroller valet service to residents. And we wonder why some of the rest of the world hates us?
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Heard a radio ad for Whole Foods today, “America’s Healthiest Grocery Store.” Well if for no other reason than you can’t afford to buy enough food to make you fat.
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A Texas man who was arrested for having sex on a Las Vegas Ferris wheel with a woman he just met has been fatally shot in a carjacking in Houston. Now, the guy had gone to Vegas to get married, but told police he had fought with his fiance, who was pregnant with another man’s child. They had reconciled, and she was with him when he was killed.
You REALLY cannot make this stuff up. #madefortvmovie?
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Sad news from Toronto that ex-mayor Rob Ford is now in palliative care. Hard to believe that there was a time not that long ago that Ford held the title “most outrageous politician in North America.”
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Ted Cruz, saying that it’s a “sad day” with the President visiting Cuba. “Until Obama, siding with the oppressed had always been America’s aspiration.”
Right, as billions of people in Latin America, Africa, Asia and the Mideast can attest. #SMH #cantfixstupid
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Donald Trump, trying to be a kindler, gentler, candidate “I like John, he’s a nice guy, I like Ted, he’s a nice guy.” Ted Cruz a nice guy? That’s it. Now we KNOW the Donald is insane.
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Elizabeth Warren is engaged in a Twitter war with Donald Trump. One of today’s latest salvos from Warren “@RealDonaldTrump knows he’s a loser. His insecurities are on parade: petty bullying, attacks on women, cheap racism, flagrant narcissism.”
Pass the popcorn, this could be fun.
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John Kasich “There is a below-zero chance that I would serve as V.P. to one of the other candidates.” So he is saying there’s a chance?
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Bernie Sanders’ latest fundraising email of the morning. “Tomorrow night is YUGE.” Wait, I thought the GOP was the party with the spelling problem.
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Watching #DWTS for the first time ever because of #DougFlutie. Well, it makes me less ashamed to be American than watching some of those #GOP debates.
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#DougFlutie and #MarlaMaples on #DTWS: Talk about from the sublime to the ridiculous.
Marla Maples appearing in #DWTS – Dancing With The Stars. As opposed to her ex-, who regularly appears in #DTWT – Dancing With The Truth
Categories: GOP jokes, political jokes, texas jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: DWTS jokes, flutie jokes, Janice Hough, Jeremy Lin jokes, kraft jokes, marijuana jokes, Ted Cruz jokes, Trump jokes
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March 20, 2016
Texas A&M coach Billy Kennedy, when asked about their miracle comeback first said “To God be the Glory.” And God is thinking “Don’t blame me, I had switched to the Wisconsin-Xavier game.”
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There was a rumor that for the last minute of Northern Iowa Texas A&M game #TRUtv executives were about to switch to Heidi? #MarchMadness
Am confused. Somehow I thought the #Pac12 was a major basketball conference? #MarchMadness
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Seven Pac-12 teams in the NCAA Tournament. One, Oregon, left after four days. That Stanford NIT win last year is looking better and better….
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Johnny Manziel apparently has hired a super agent in an apparent last-ditch effort to find himself a new team. Hint to Johnny, the reason you’re unemployed isn’t your agent.
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Who had #MiddleTennesseeState vs #Syracuse today? Now all of you liars put your hands down. #MarchMadness
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According to Boston media, Pablo Sandoval could be losing his starting job at third base to 25 year-old Travis Shaw, who is making the major league minimum. Now, I was okay when Panda said he needed a new challenge, I was less okay when he started dissing the SF Giants. Apparently mean bitch karma agrees.
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Raymond Moore, the tournament director of the BNP Paribas Open, called the WTA (women’s tennis association) “coattail riders,” and added “If I was a lady player, I’d go down every night on my knees and thank God that Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal were born, because they have carried the sport.”
Just wonder, how many American men tennis players most Americans can name? And also wonder what the odds on Serena playing his tournament again? #cantfixstupid
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Andrew Pratt, a WR from Akron who took part in the university’s pro day, was accidentally shot by a teammate yesterday morning, but will recover. Guess Pratt really has proved he’s ready for the NFL.
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RIchard Sherman ripped Roger Goodell for the new ejection after two personal fouls rule, and said “he’s just a shirt.” Wonder how much Sherman will get fined for that?
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Kicker Jon Semerene was dismissed from Miami’s football team Friday after a DUI arrest that made in third Hurricane to be arrested in a week. So clearly the “Canes are back to being a major program?
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Once again, who knows what really has gone on between Adam LaRoche and the White Sox: But if LaRoche had hit .307 last year instead of .207, pretty sure he and his son would still be at spring training.
Who the heck is #ScottBaio? (rhetorical question, mostly.)
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How times have changed with running for President. We used to talk about “the best and the brightest.” Now the reason many give for supporting John Kasich – “at least he’s not bat-sh*t crazy.”
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John Kasich said “under no circumstances” would he run serve as V.P. for Ted Cruz or Donald Trump. Right, like there was no way Paul Ryan was going to be speaker.
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Bernie Sanders, dismissing the idea that he should drop out of the race, said “It would be extraordinarily undemocratic to the tell the people in half the states in America, ‘Oh, you don’t have a right to get involved in the nominating process for the Democratic candidate,'”
Of course, with the electoral college people in 3/4 of the states in America are basically being told their votes don’t matter in the actual election.
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President Obama is visiting Cuba. Wonder how many conservatives will react saying, “So, not only is he a closet Muslim, he’s also a Communist?”
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From T.C. “The Toronto Maple Leafs have invited Chicago White Sox’s Adam LaRoche and his son to visit their locker room any time they want. As a matter of fact, they can even dress for the game and sit on the bench until needed.”
Categories: GOP jokes, March madness jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Johnny Manziel jokes, kasich jokes, March madness jokes, Miami jokes, NCAA tournament jokes, Northern Iowa jokes, tennis jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
March 19, 2016
Tough loss for Yale after a valiant comeback against Duke today. But to ease the pain guessing when they get home the players’ butlers will make the martinis extra dry.
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Even with a loss, how often will these Ivy League #Yale kids have the life experience of being cheered as underdogs? #dukevsyale
Well, whatever other troubles #Obama has this week, having his #MarchMadness pick #Kansas out before the #Sweet16 won’t be one of them.
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Between the #CBS #MarchMadness shows and the commercials I think we’re just not seeing enough of #CharlesBarkley
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That moment when ESPN tells you you’re at about the 92th percentile in their March Madness brackets going into Saturday night games andnd then you realize that in a midnight whim you picked Gonzaga into the Sweet Sixteen…. 🙂 (Am now 97% – #dumbluck #abouttofall :-)))
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Stat of the night from #ESPN: #Warriors & #Spurs combined have fewer losses going into tonight (16) than next best team (#Cavaliers 19).
And even tonight, (17 )
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Wonder how many #MarchMadness players watched #GSvsSA game and realized some #Spurs stars are old enough to be their fathers? #GoSpursGo
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Okay, heaven knows I am not a Donald Trump fan. But trying to protest by blocking public roads? Chris Christie can tell you that’s not a winning political strategy.
A U.S. Court of Appeals dismissed a class-action lawsuit filed by a woman that Fresh Inc, tricks customers with their $24 “Sugar Lip Treatment” because only 75% of the product twists up beyond the tube opening, so you have to dig the last 25% out. . Uh, just maybe because if you really care about that kind of value you could just buy a $2 Chapstick?
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An 18 year-old showing his gun to his friend accidentally fatally shot that friend on Friday in Copiague, New York, Your move, Florida. #ifonlyhisfriendwasarmed
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Now Trump is questioning if Mitt Romney is really a Mormon? What’s next, will Trump ask if the Pope is Catholic?
So in the general election does #Trump plan to question if #Hillary is really a woman?
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Herman Cain says Donald Trump is not a racist. Nein, nein, nein.
From Marc Ragovin, “Bernie Sanders campaigned in Flagstaff, Az. the other day. Although the way his run has been going, he should have chosen Tombstone.”
Categories: March madness jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: brackets jokes, Janice Hough, March madness jokes, NCAA jokes, NCAA tournament jokes, Spurs jokes, Trump jokes, Warriors jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
March 18, 2016
So will the DVD of the 2016 Men’s Basketball Tournament be titled “The Bad Seeds” #MarchMadness
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Looking like the folks who seeded the NCAA tournament were about as good at their jobs as the Michigan Democratic pollsters who had that big win for Hillary.
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Oops. #marchmadness headline “Las Vegas SuperBook Has Michigan State As Favorite To Win NCAA Tournament”
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Only thing that could have saved #MichiganState today was a #JimHarbaugh punt. #MarchMadness
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Many thought #MichiganState should have had a #1 seed. So would they have lost to #16 seed #Hampton too? #MarchMadness
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Even #MiddleTennesseeState alums didn’t have them winning this game. #MichiganState #MarchMadness
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Happy 2nd round of March Madness. That morning when millions of Americans wake up and realize their retirement plan will not include millions made on betting the perfect bracket.
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73-67 #Warriors over #Mavericks at halftime. Did someone decide to play by #NBA All-Star Game rules and not tell us?
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This kid clearly wants to be drafted by the Spurs and Gregg Popovich. Or at least Pop wants him as his media spokesman: Baylor’s Taurean Prince, asked after their upset loss how the Bears were out-rebounded by Yale. “You grab it with two hands, and you come down with it, and that’s considered a rebound. So they got more of those than we did.”
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The Colts are going to retire Peyton Maning’s #18 and build him a statue. But before it’s installed the Broncos are interested in seeing if the statue can lead them to another Super Bowl win.
Chicago White Sox star pitcher Chris Sale says the team is demanding a meeting with chariman Jerry Reinsdorf over Adam LaRoche’s retirement and executive V.P Ken Williams “bold-faced” lying to players.
Remember the good old days when the White Sox’s biggest problem was Ozzie Guillen shooting off his mouth?
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Former Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is seriously ill and in the hospital with cancer. Wishing him the best. Hard to realize now but there was a time not that long ago when Ford might have been the brashest, loudest and most politically-incorrect politician in North America.
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Hulk Hogan won $115 million in a lawsuit after Gawker published a sex tape of him with his (then) best-friend’s wife. Now that’s the kind of combination of money and family values that might get Hogan an offer of a place in a Trump cabinet.
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On brighter note, #MittRomney‘s awful 2012 Presidential campaign is no longer the most embarrassing performance out of Michigan. #MichiganState
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Sad news that Ravens CB Troy Walker, 23, has died after an accident on a dirt bike, when he was apparently riding in dark clothing at night without lights and collided with a car. Proving alas that with all the dangers in the world, high up there is testosterone poisoning.
FOX News is slamming Donald Trump for his vitriolic attacks against Megyn Kelly and his extreme, sick obsession with her.” FOX thinks such vitriol and obsession should be reserved for Hillary Clinton.
Categories: GOP jokes, March madness jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 73-67 #Warriors over #Mavericks at halftime. Did someone decide to play by #NBA All-Star Game rules and not tell us? -, March madness jokes, Michigan state jokes, middle tennessee jokes, NCAA jokes, tournament jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
March 15, 2016
And haven’t pressed “submit” tonight, either you don’t care or shouldn’t you be working on your brackets?
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As we approach March Madness, remember, nothing is certain but death, taxes, and Kansas finding a way to lose before the finals.
In retrospect one reason shows like “The Bachelor” are so popular – you get to watch people make really stupid decisions and it doesn’t affect the fate of the world? #Presidentialprimaries
So now Pete Rose’s lawyer is denying that Rose sent Trump a baseball saying “Mr. Trump, please make America great again.” The Donald claims the baseball was an endorsement.
And how could you doubt either of these fine gentlemen? #sarcasm
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Disney has announced that Harrison Ford, 73, will return for a fifth Indiana Jones movie in 2019. Only this time the lost relic will be Jones himself.
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The US House is holding two hearings on the water crisis in Flint, Michigan. Would that they keep at this with the same intensity they have on Benghazi.
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New England Patriots safety Nate Ebner will take a leave of absence from the team to train for the U.S. rugby team and this summer’s Olympics. Other international rugby teams just demanded a guard on the rugby balls.
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A traffic monitoring group says that the average San Francisco commuter spent more than three days in traffic in 2015. And down in Los Angeles they’re thinking “amateurs.”
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Rick Pitino, defending his embattled Louisville program, says that the problem was a graduate assistant, Andre McGee “whose sole responsibility was to make sure they do the right things.”
Right, because in major programs, all graduate assistants have the power and the $$$$$$ to hire prostitutes. And none of the coaching staff would have any clue.
I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat better.”
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Hillary Clinton was caught on a “hot mic” speculating about Chris Christie’s reasons for endorsing Donald Trump. “Did he have a debt or something?” Whatever you think of Hillary, the woman is not stupid.
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So what’s the difference between #MarcoRubio and #JebBush? About three weeks? #GOPPrimary
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Ben Carson, in explaining why he endorsed the Donald, said that even if Trump “turns out not to be such a great president … we’re only looking at four years.” as opposed to if the Democrats win “multiple generations and perhaps the loss of the American dream forever.”
Wow, well at least someone thinks Hillary is powerful.
So folks saying they always knew #Trump #Clinton would be 2016 Pres. candidates also will pretend their 1st weekend brackets are perfect?
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Donald #Trump is saying. “We need to bring our party together.”. And never has Tonto’s quote been more apt – “Who’s ‘we’. white man?”
#TedCruz, doubling down on promise to be a strong president for Israel. Sorry, I thought we were choosing President for the US? #GOPPrimary
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Since #TedCruz might be last alternative to #DonaldTrump would like to thank the San Antonio #Spurs for reminding us of the possibilities of sanity in Texas.
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Jerry Brown, “If Trump were ever elected, we’d have to build a wall around California to defend ourselves from the rest of this country.”
Another reason we Californians love Governor Moonbeam 2.0. (He did add “By the way that is a joke. We don’t like walls, we like bridges.”)
Categories: GOP jokes, pitino jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bachelor jokes, Florida jokes, Janice Hough, March madness jokes, NCAA jokes, NCAA tournament jokes, Rubio jokes, tournament jokes, Trump jokes
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March 13, 2016
LSU turned down an NIT invitation and said they will not play in this postseason. Well, with 38 points in the SEC opening game not like they played in that tournament either.
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SF Giants infield definitely leading the league in college boys – Posey/FSU, Belt/Texas, Panik/St. Johns, Crawford/UCLA, Duffy/Long Beach St, Susac/Oregon State, Tomlinson/Texas Tech… And Mac Williamson/Wake Forest, Osich/Oregon State, Samardzjia/Notre Dame….
Should be fun during March Madness.
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Mississippi State’s Dak Prescott, expected to be one of the first QB’s taken in next month’s draft, was arrested yesterday for DUI. So was Prescott just trying to prove he’s NFL ready?
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Categories: GOP jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 76ers jokes, bracket jokes, Janice Hough, March madness jokes, NCAA jokes, NCAA tournament, tournament jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
March 13, 2016
As we approach March Madness with all of these relatively no-name teams, interesting to note that two of the most watchable superstars in the NBA went to Davidson and San Diego State.
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Stony Brook beat Vermont today and is heading for their first NCAA tournament. Maybe those who want to pick them in their bracket can take this time to figure out where the school is?
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Former Clippers owner Donald Sterling and his wife Shelley, who have been married 60 years, have apparently called off their divorce proceedings. Maybe they couldn’t remember why they were getting divorced in the first place?
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The Pac 12 has a new policy for athletes restricting transfer students who are ineligible at previous schools because of assault, harassment or academic fraud. This follows a similar but not identical policy change from the SEC – which now bars transfers with histories of sexual assault or domestic violence. Apparently they couldn’t say “academic fraud” with a straight face.
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At Thursday’s GOP debate, John Kasich “I do believe we contribute to climate change. You can have strong environmental policy at the same time as you have strong economic growth.” Well, you start seeing why he’s in 4th place in the Republican field. #notcrazyenough
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At Thursday’s GOP debate, John Kasich “I do believe we contribute to climate change. You can have strong environmental policy at the same time as you have strong economic growth.” Well, you start seeing why he’s in 4th place in the Republican field.
#notcrazyenough–
Okay, every candidate deserves a right to hold rallies. But Trump’s canceled rally yesterday was scheduled at a Chicago campus known for a large minority/immigrant student body. When there are plenty of Chicago suburbs (like Winnetka) that would be more receptive locations. Although I’m sure Trump’s campaign would never deliberately try to incite trouble
#sarcasm.
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A woman sailing on the Independence of the Seas out of Ft. Lauderdale had to be taken off the ship by fireboat to a hospital after she opened a bottle of champagne she had brought on board and popped the cork right into her eye. #cantfixstupid #ifonlyshewasarmed
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Marco Rubio on Trump “I still at this moment continue to intend to support the Republican nominee, but it’s getting harder every day.” Wait, is that another d*ck joke?
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Yep, nailed it. President Obama on the GOP establishment being shocked by Trump’s attacks on Muslims and immigrants: “How could you be shocked? This was the guy who was sure I was born in Kenya. As long as it was being directed at me they were fine with it.
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From Marc Ragovin: “I went to a hockey game the other day and a Donald Trump rally broke out.”
(oh, and from that first item – for non-college basketball fans, Stephen Curry is from Davidson, Kawhi Leonard from San Diego State.)
Categories: GOP jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Florida jokes, Janice Hough, March madness jokes, Rubio jokes, Trump jokes
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March 10, 2016
The Florida woman who was shot by her 4-year-old son apparently is still pro-gun, and her own mother dismisses the shooting as “an accident and nothing more.” Sounds like a good phrase for a tombstone.
Taco Bell has announced they are lowering some prices. Gosh, hope this doesn’t lead to their lowering the fine quality of their ingredients.
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In California, the legislature passed a bill to raise the smoking age to 21. And most college students are shrugging – “It’s only tobacco.”
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Regarding all this controversy over Kim Kardashian maybe being “slut-shamed” for her latest naked selfie: Look, I’m a feminist and think women should be proud of their bodies. But jeez, Kim, haven’t we seen enough of yours? #boring
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A rear admiral was fired after he admitted to investigators he spent nine hours in a ten day period aboard an assault ship looking at porn on a Defense Department computer. Nine hours out of ten days… and some are wondering, “Was he fired for not being man enough?”
(or stupid enough not to have a smart phone with an unlimited data plan.)
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A major brawl broke out and was caught on video on a Spirit Airlines flight today when two women started playing music from a boom box and refused to turn it down. While the women were detained by security at LAX no one was arrested.
Spirit Airlines did, however, reportedly charge other passengers on board an entertainment fee.
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Alas, a koala at the Griffith Park zoo in Los Angeles was apparently eaten by a local mountain lion. Clearly the koala should have been armed.
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In Kansas, GOP senators frustrated with the judicial system have passed a bill that would make “attempting to usurp the power” of the Legislature or the executive branch grounds for impeachment. So any judge who overturned legislation could be impeached. Forget spinning, James Madison is causing a tornado in his grave.
The Milwaukee Bucks’ O.J. Mayo broke his right ankle falling down stairs at home today and is done for the year. Making him luckier than Bucks’ season ticket holders.
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OSU’s Urban Meyer has endorsed John Kasich. Well, if Kasich gets on the ticket there go the GOP’s chances in Michigan.
Barack Obama’s approval ratings are back up to 50%, the highest in 3 years. Guess it’s beginning to dawn on Americans that one of these people they are watching debate is actually going to be our next president. #lookingbetterbycomparison
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Ben Carson is going to endorse Donald Trump. Does that mean Trump might be able to pick up both Carson’s supporters?
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Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio are so united in their so-called hatred of government: so will they both sign a pledge saying if a natural disaster hits their states they won’t call in the evil feds?
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Gave up on the GOP debate even for comedy research purposes to watch the Spurs game. Another reason to like San Antonio, they have so many “immigrant” players, they’d probably annoy the hell out of Trump.
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Trump says he will put Ben Carson in charge of education. Uh, except that during this campaign the Dr. has if anything made people wonder how low the standards have gotten for medical school?
Is this year’s #AmericanIdol final season format designed to make sure we really don’t miss the show when it’s gone?
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Trudeau-Obama press conference today in Washington. Two politicians together at lecterns who aren’t screaming at each other… Well, where’s the fun in that?
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Now that Canadian Prime Minister Trudeau has visited the White House waiting for Trump to tell his supporters “Big deal, when I am in charge we’ll make Canada’s President show up.”
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As a final change today from the debate circus tents: “In a rapidly pivoting world, it becomes easy to become fearful. It becomes easy to turn in on ourselves. And we know from history that it’s much more important to turn outwards, and to draw out the best in each other. And to understand that whenever people get together, regardless of how different they may seem, there are always more things we have in common than that differentiate us.”
Justin Trudeau, today in D.C. Once again, #canweborrowhim?
Categories: debate jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: gun jokes, Janice Hough, Kardashian jokes, primary jokes, spirit jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
March 8, 2016
Pittsburgh’s DeAngelo Williams called out Peyton Manning as a “hall of fame QB who couldn’t play dead in a western last year.” Yeah, well that’s just piling on after the Steelers eliminated the Broncos from the playoffs last year. Oh wait, never mind.
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The Supreme Court today UNANIMOUSLY today reversed an Alabama court’s refusal to recognize a same-sex adoption. Yes, even Thomas and Alito agreed. Maybe we are creeping into the 21st century after all..
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Erin Andrews won $55 million in her lawsuit over being videotaped nude in her hotel room. And the Kardashians are thinking “We’d have allowed it for half that.”
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Bette Middler might have won the internet today: “Kim Kardashian tweeted a nude selfie today. If Kim wants us to see a part of her we’ve never seen, she’s gonna have to swallow the camera.”
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Atlanta Falcons assistant coach Marquand Manuel has apologized for asking OSU cornerback Eli Apple if he was gay. So is he sorry for the question, or sorry that it leaked out?
A United Airlines flight from Houston to Munich had to return to Intercontinental Airport with smoke billowing from one engine after they hit a bird during takeoff. No injuries were reported. Well, except for the bird.
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Maria Sharapova apparently failed a drug test at the Australian Open. The substance is one she has been taking for years, but was on a list of drugs that were banned starting January 1. Sharapova acknowledged getting the email but said she didn’t read it….
Creative excuses isn’t one area we really wanted women athletes to start equaling men.
(And okay, if it’s a lie it’s a stupid one, if she didn’t read the list and didn’t have someone on her staff read it well, well, that’s more stupid.)
Six UC Santa Cruz fraternity and sorority members were arrested and charged with being part of an organized Ecstasy drug ring. Well, that’s one way to deal with high tuition costs.
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Some talk now about how much a loss in the Florida Primary would hurt Marco Rubio. Well, not as much as his own campaigning has hurt him.
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32 pts in 1st half for #Spurs tonight in Indiana against the #Pacers. That Sunday #Lakers game might have not been the best for San Antonio’s usual inspiration from watching the Golden State #Warriors.
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Michael Bloomberg says he will not run for President. Has he finally figured out that the seat for the egotistical New York billionaire in the clown car is full?
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Meanwhile in South Florida, the Sun-Sentinel says there is no good candidate in the GOP primary and will not endorse. This includes the man they endorsed when he ran for Senate “Because Rubio has failed to do his job as a senator, broken the promises he made to Floridians and backed away from his lone signature piece of legislation on immigration, we cannot endorse him for president.”
Not even to get him out of Florida?
Categories: airline jokes, debate jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bloomberg jokes, Erin Andrews jokes, Janice Hough, Kardashian jokes, Rubio jokes, Supreme Court jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
March 1, 2016
Oscar ratings were at an 8-year low. So was that due to the #oscarssowhite boycott, or the fact that most Americans didn’t care about most of the movies.
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One reason the Bachelor is now such a guilty pleasure. How often these days do you get to watch a serious train wreck, without having to worry that the “winner” will be the leader of the free world?
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Joe Scarborough, on Donald Trump’s not definitely denouncing David Duke “So is this how the party of Abraham Lincoln dies?” Can just imagine Trump’s reply – “Hey, I wouldn’t definitely denounce Abraham Lincoln either.”
A Ryanair flight from London to Bratislava diverted to Berlin after some men in a bachelor party “misbehaved so badly.” and one man apparently got naked. Now, had it been a bachelorette party Ryanair would probably have charged an entertainment fee.
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A Google self-driving car hit a bus in Mountain View, CA. No fault has been determined yet, but hope the car wasn’t texting at the time.
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As if the Cubs being favored to win the World Series wasn’t enough of a sign of the apocalypse, now Justice Clarence Thomas has asked a question during oral arguments.
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Donald Trump is now saying a “lousy earpiece” is the reason he didn’t disavow former KKK leader David Duke yesterday. I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat” better.
J.C. Penney is apparently staging a turnaround and both their sales and stock are up. Of course, they were so far down before guessing most Millennials think they’re a brand new company.
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Hotel resort fees are a joke. But this one from a condo company in Hawaii might be a new low – the $10 a day includes “entry gate electronic card for access to the resort premises” Didn’t that used to be called a key?
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A NY federal judge has ruled in a drug case that Apple doesn’t have to unlock an iPhone at the government’s request. These issues are complicated, but got to love the usually pro-business conservatives on the side of the feds, while many normally pro-government liberals are backing Apple.
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A fundraising request today said “I’m sorry we keep emailing you.” Uh, well then there’s a simple solution – STOP EMAILING. #notsosorry
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Watching the GOP primaries and thinking I’m so old I remember when the Democrats were the ones tearing their party apart with craziness.
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After Sarah Palin etc started really going after the media and politics as usual, can’t help but think that for many Trump supporters, the attacks from both the media and other politicians just make them like him more. #lawofunintendedconsequences
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Donald Trump today rolled out endorsements from NASCAR stars. Well, of course, drivers are rich men who will benefit from Trump’s tax plan.
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John Kasich, on the current name-calling competition between Rubio and Trump. “I would rather not win than lower the bar.” Spoken like a man who learned his limbo limits in college. #howlowcanyougo?
From T.C. in response to my comment about #DonaldTrump being snubbed at the Oscars for his role in acting like a potential serious world leader.
“What bout Pill Cosby for Best Actor in a Courtroom Drama? (…and …. he’s Black!)”
Categories: debate jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Oscars jokes, ryanair jokes, The Bachelor jokes, Trump jokes
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February 25, 2016
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New Cleveland coach Hue Jackson says the Browns are “going to take a stand’ with Johnny Manziel. Right. Of course their previous stands have worked about as well as Custer’s last one.
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President Obama has nominated Carla Hayden as the Librarian of Congress. The GOP would announce plans for an immediate filibuster once they get over the shock of finding Congress HAS a library.
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Kanye West is now threatening to boycott next years Grammy Awards. All together now – “Promise???!!!”
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Donald Trump, “I love the poorly educated.” Or as he also refers to them “My base.”
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Marco Rubio today ” You don’t win the nomination by how many states you win.” Clearly another Republican who thinks math is one of those commie pinko liberal concepts.
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Marco Rubio keeps declaring victory with these second place finishes. In related news, the Minnesota Vikings are going to put up Super Bowl banners.
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Responding to social media rumors of a setback in his recovery, Tiger Woods says he is “progressing nicely.” Isn’t that what Jeb Bush said last week about his campaign?
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Rumors have it that Obama is considering Nevada’s GOP governor Brian Sandoval to succeed Antonin Scalia on the Supreme Court. If true, a reminder that whatever you think of this President, you don’t want to play chess with him.
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Got to love the fact that the man leading for the Presidential “family values” party has had numerous affairs and three wives. #Trump
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Two British members of parliament have sent a letter to the NFL as they are upset about the Redskins name, and saying it directly contravenes the values that many in Britain have worked so hard to instill.” They ask “at a minimum, send a different team to our country to represent the sport, one that does not promote a racial slur.”
So are the MPs really taking a high road here? Or do they want the NFL not to send over another sucky football team?
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It took “about $100,000” in legal fees, but Bristol Palin’s first baby daddy Levi Johnston finally won shared custody of their son Tripp. Because of course all children are better off with a mommy and daddy unless you don’t want to see the guy again. #familyvaluesmyass
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As of today British Airways will no longer accept bookings for unaccompanied minors, children under 12. Guess they got tired of dealing with badly behaved kids. Now if they can just figure out a way not to allow bookings for badly behaved adults
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Really, Facebook? With all the complications in the world these days you have to change the “like” buttons without warning? Life is so confusing.
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Wow. The latest out of the University of Tennessee is that football coach Butch Jones told WR Drae Bowles, who later transferred, that he was a “traitor” who “betrayed the team” for helping a woman who said she had been sexually assaulted by teammates.
#MamadontletyourbabiesgrowuptobeVolunteers
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And for those who commented on me doing this every day. Blame Scott Ostler. A SF Chronicle columnist and friend, he kept encouraging me to do this. And when I said I couldn’t come up with jokes every day, he said, “nah, you’re funny, just give yourself a deadline and you’ll come up with stuff.” I curse him under my breath regularly. But he was right about the self-imposed deadlines. And on good days, some of the “stuff ” is actually funny. 🙂
Categories: baseball jokes, football jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, kanye jokes, Obama jokes, Rubio jokes, Supreme Court jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
Left Coast Sports Babe 