Archive for the ‘baseball jokes’ category
August 12, 2016
A-Rod said today to Pedro Gomez he wants to be remembered as “someone who is madly in love with the game of baseball.”
Almost as much as he is in love with himself?!
–
Katie Ledecky makes other swimmers feel like those other horses must have felt with Secretariat in the Belmont Stakes.
–
Anthony Ervin, 35, won the 50M freestyle. At which point he probably turned around & said “You punks get out of my pool.” #Rio2016
–
The US Women’s Soccer team has been knocked out before the medal round. Who do they think they are, the men? #USWNT #RIo2016
–
Hope Solo after the US Women’s soccer team lost to Sweden – “I also think we played a bunch of cowards. But, you know, the best team did not win today.”
Once again, proving women can be the equal of men. Including in being sore losers.
–
A CBC (Canadian Broadcasting Corporation) announcer called Ryan Lochte the winner of 200m medley instead of Michael Phelps. Well, that’s the trouble with Americans, we all look alike.
–
So NBC decided to televise five swimming events live Friday night. Except on the West Coast. So swimming is a sport in most of the country and reality TV out west? #SMH
–
#Olympics diving pool so green it was temporarily closed. At this point divers may hope worst they catch at #Rio2016 is Zika. #Poolgate
–
A-Rod wanted to play 3rd base in his final game with the Yankees. Joe Girardi said no – “”We are still in the business of trying to win games.”
Right, that’s why New York traded away their star closer AND their star set-up man
–
Burger King has a new “Whopperito,” basically ground beef with cheese sauce, lettuce, onion and tomato wrapped up in a tortilla. The company president said “We know Tex-Mex is growing a lot … and there are not that many national chains that sell burritos,”
Guess none of the names rang a bell?
When does #BruceBochy start saying postgame “They are who we thought they were.”? #SFGiants
–
JetBlue is reporting that 24 people were hospitalized due to turbulence on one of their flights. Shouldn’t they say that 24 people were hospitalized due to not wearing their seat belts?
–
American Airlines for the win today “Rather than wait on hold we can call you back when it’s your turn. Between 1 hour and 2 minutes and 1 hour and 20 minutes from now.”
–
Now Donald Trump tweeted “Ratings challenged @CNN reports so seriously that I call President Obama (and Clinton) “the founder” of ISIS, & MVP. THEY DON’T GET SARCASM?’
So if he were to start WW3 by threatening to bomb Russia or China the Donald’s response would be “can’t they take a joke?”
–
The NY Times has filed a request to unseal the records from Donald Trump’s first divorce, saying they could speak to his “credibility and character.” So the Times may not “write good” but maybe they “revenge good.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: A-Rod jokes, Janice Hough, ledecky jokes, Olympics jokes, phelps jokes, rio jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
August 11, 2016
Over-under on how many American babies will be born in the next year named ?
–
All the talk about seeing Michael Phelps for the last time in the Olympics. And somewhere Brett Favre is just giggling.
–
Kim Rhode, who has won medals for the US in 5 consecutive Olympics, is complaining about California gun laws. “I shoot 500 to 1,000 rounds a day, so having to do a background check every time I purchase ammo, or every time I want to bring ammo in or out of a competition or a match, those are very challenging for me.”
And clearly the challenges are affecting her Olympic performance…. #sarcasm
National Advertising Bureau says Comcast has to stop saying they have “fastest Internet in America because Verizon is faster. And somewhere Donald Trump is saying “but Trump Tower is the very fastest and bestest.”
–
In Myrtle Beach, two young women were arrested for skinny-dipping in an apartment complex pool, and one of them got angry enough to kick the police officer. Also furious, men in the complex at whoever called the cops.
–
In Florida, a man was fatally shot during a road rage incident yesterday, which is only noteworthy because he himself had served 10 years in prison for killing a man during a 2001 road rage incident. Yeah, every once in a while mean bitch Karma is okay with the 2nd amendment..
–
Macy’s says they will close 100 of their stores and focus more on online shopping. So are those stores waving the white flower?
–
LA Rams coach Jeff Fisher cut WR Deon Long for breaking team rules by bringing a woman visitor back to his room. Now, Long was an undrafted free agent. Of course I’m sure Fisher would have applied the rules equally to Pro Bowl DT Aaron Donald, or new QB Jared Goff.
Many countries, including the UK, Canada, France, New Zealand and the UAE, are issuing travel warnings for the US, due to violence, Zika, mass shootings, anti-LGBT and Muslim attitudes, etc.
Waiting for Trump to say we don’t want tourists anyway. #MakeAmericaWalledAgain
–
CNN reports that the Secret Service had “more than one conversation” with Donald Trump about his 2nd amendment comment, Trump has denied in a tweet that such a conversation ever took place. Is it really wise if you want to be President to p*ss off the people who are and might be protecting you?
–
Delta Airlines, still digging out from their massive computer outage, admitted today there had been a ‘small fire’ at their data center. Right, like a long time ago Mrs. O’Leary in Chicago had a small cow.
–
From T.C. “Is there a “Yogi Berra Finishing School” somewhere? I swear I heard an announcer on CNN say about a Trump rally, “We see people who are there and we see people who aren’t there”.
Of course one of the people who you might say “aren’t there” is the Donald himself. Especially if you insert the world “all.”
–
So what’s next from Donald Trump? Telling John Hinckley that Jodie Foster has a major crush on Hillary Clinton? #bustohell
Categories: baseball jokes, GOP jokes, Hillary jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Delta jokes, Florida jokes, Janice Hough, macy's jokes, Olympics jokes, simone jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
August 10, 2016
And now both an Olympic diving pool and swimming pool have turned green. Maybe we could have done with Michael Phelps’ saying that everyone pees in the pool.
So today the multi-millionaire NBA superstar players living on a secured luxury ship had a somewhat close win over a team with 2-3 NBA players living in dorm conditions. Ah, the Olympic dream. USA! USA! USA! #USAvsAustralia.
–
Not sure the real explanation as to why the water in #Olympics diving pool is green. But it’s one way to get divers out of the pool promptly post dive.
Nice showing by #Switzerland against #USA But really “beach volleyball” in Switzerland? Makes as much sense as #AmericasCup there. #Rio2016
–
Can we stop referring to #SFGiants on 2nd & 3rd base as “Runners In Scoring Position.” It’s just getting cruel.
But today the Giants did manage to win 1-0 without a single hit with runners in scoring position. (Crawford home run)
–
My day job is in the travel business. Somebody just sent me an invitation to become a Trump hotel specialist. Somebody doesn’t know me very well.
–
A partial power loss on the new light-rail line to Denver International Airport is causing delays. But I am sure the airlines will be as sympathetic to passengers as they expect travelers to be when carriers themselves have delays. #Sarcasm
–
Let’s put what Trump said another way. What if Hillary Clinton stood up at a rally and said, “If we elect Donald Trump he will appoint judges to overturn Roe v. Wade. nothing you can do, ladies. Although you Second Amendment women, maybe there is, I don’t know….”
I’m sure the Donald would laugh it off.
One of many criticisms of Hillary Clinton is that she made money after leaving office, and now is running for President. Especially after when Giuliani, Romney, Jeb Bush all left office they never did anything for profit before they decided to run…. #moresarcasm
–
So #MaliaObama might have smoked a joint at a Chicago concert. Kudos to @POTUS & @FLOTUS for raising a normal child.
–
Man arrested today for climbing #TrumpTower. Waiting for @realDonaldTrump to tweet #TweetTower has best climbers ever, better than Everest.
–
Donald Trump is blaming yet another controversy, the one involving “Second Amendment people” on the media. Yep, the dastardly media, who persist in reporting exactly what he says.
–
This text exchange just was revealed between two of Chris Christie’s top aides during the New Jersey Governor’s 2013 press conference about Bridgegate:
“Are you listening? He just flat out lied about senior staff and Stepien not being involved.”
“I’m listening. Gov is doing fine. Holding his own up there.”
“Yes. But he lied. And if emails are found with the subpoena or emails are uncovered in discovery if it comes to that it could be bad.”
Time for the GOP to start talking about Hillary’s emails again.
–
Bill Littlejohn reports that “Tim Tebow says he doesn’t want to be a ‘sideshow’ in baseball.Right–he’s not done being one in football”
Categories: baseball jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Hillary jokes, Janice Hough, NBA jokes, Olympics jokes, phelps jokes, rio jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
August 9, 2016
Has @NBC figured out w/ women’s gymnastics only people who aren’t online enough to know results will be asleep by time show airs? #Rio2016
–
Wonder which will come first, the NBC tape-delayed coverage of women’s gymnastics, or the Chinese women gymnasts hitting puberty?
–
Apparently there are signs at the Rio Oympics saying you cannot fish in the toilets. Organizers were worried about that possibility why? – Because it’s the cleanest water in town?
–
Tim Tebow has apparently been training and now hopes to pursue a career in professional baseball.Tebow hasn’t played the sport since high school so it’s probably crazy to think he could get to a major league level at this point. Though maybe Tim has a chance to catch on with the Atlanta Braves.
#TimTebow is now hoping to play pro baseball, although he hasn’t played since high school. Even God is thinking Tim doesn’t have a prayer.
#SFGiants manager #BruceBochy was out of the hospital and back on the bench today. Unfortunately the Giants offense is back on life support.
–
After 7 hits last night, the Giants’ #BrandonCrawford went 0-4 today, and struck out on his first at-bat on 3 pitches. Hope his bat didn’t have all the hits taken out of it
–
A man who was afraid his girlfriend would reunite with her ex called in a fake bomb threat last week before her flight to the Caribbean. He was released on bail, and apparently the couple is back together. These two just might be stupid enough to deserve each other.
–
In Florida, two wild tortoises were found with their shells completely painted in bright colors, and the state Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission had to issue a warning “While to you it may seem harmless, painting the shells of turtles and tortoises can severely compromise their health….”
If only the tortoises were armed. #cantfixstupid
–
Martin Shkreli claims he has diagnosed Hillary Clinton with Parkinson’s Disease, Well, and millions of Americans have diagnosed Shkreli with antisocial personality disorder, or in the vernacular, being a sociopath.
–
Forget #ManyAreSaying. What Donald Trump really needs is to start using “Everybody’s talking”:
“Everybody’s talking at me
I don’t hear a word they’re saying
Only the echoes of my mind”
–
Trump is dismissing a letter written by 50 GOP national security experts, who worked for presidents from Nixon to W. which said “None of us will vote for Donald Trump.:
The Donald said the letter was “politically motivated” and that the experts “deserve the blame for making the world such a dangerous place.” Wait a minute, I thought that was Hillary and Obama’s fault?
–
Donald Trump at a rally today, “Hillary wants to abolish the 2nd amendment. ..If she gets to pick her judges, nothing you can do, folks — although the 2nd Amendment people, maybe there is.”
If this guy were anything other than the Presidential nominee of a major political party the Secret Service would have made sure he was locked up a long time ago.
Possible @RealDonaldTrump is tired of this president thing; just trying to see how outrageous he can be before he is forced out of race?
–
Okay, I am generally liberal and proud of it. But a Muslim flight attendant is suing ExpressJet, a commuter airline that works with United Airlines and others, saying they suspended her for refusing to serve alcohol. Uh, so what’s next, she will apply for a job in a bar and then sue them too?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, Janice Hough, NBC jokes, Olympics jokes, Shkreli jokes, tape delay jokes, Tebow jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
August 6, 2016
Statement from NBC’s Chief Marketing Officer John Miller last month about their tape delayed coverage “The people who watch the Olympics are not particularly sports fans. More women watch the Games than men, and for the women, they’re less interested in the result and more interested in the journey.” #nottheOnion
–
So NBC tape delays #Olympics because women don’t like sports & prefer reality TV. On behalf of all women fans to NBC – Bless your heart
–
Maybe @NBC’s offensive comments about women and watching sports are just a blatant attempt to steal viewers from @FoxNews? #Rio2016
–
Loved watching #Olympics as a child in all kinds of time zones. Waiting to see a world record 4 hr later just doesn’t compare. @NBC sucks.
As much as I don’t look forward to Fox and #JoeBuck having #SuperBowl2017 at least they won’t put it on tape delay because of women. @NBC
–
Nigeria’s team almost late to #Olympics2016 because of problem w/ charter flight. They made mistake of contracting with a Nigerian prince?
–
An American won the first gold of the Summer Olympics, in the 10 meter air rifle. Well, and shouldn’t we be the best at shooting guns? We have the most of them.
–
Meanwhile, North Korea is at the #OlympicGames And their official state newspaper is already reporting on the dozen medals they have won.
–
A French gymnast broke his leg while competing in a vaulting event today. Gymnastics fans are thinking “how horrible.” Wonder how many non fans are thinking “Hmm, now that I might tune in to watch.”
–
These #TeamUSA basketball games have all the drama of #SEC college football games – like this year’s Alabama vs Western Kentucky. #Rio2016
–
The story now is that the Team USA basketball players who ended up in a Rio brothel were there accidentally because they thought it was a spa. I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat” better.
–
Going into today’s SF Giants vs. Washington Nationals game: Matt Cain. 3-6, 5.53 ERA, Stephen Strasburg, 15-1, 2.63 ERA #soyouaresayingtheresachance
–
The Yankees have a press conference scheduled tomorrow, possibly about Alex Rodriguez, who will make $21 million this year, and is owed $21 million next year, whether or not he plays. To put that in perspective, the Astros payroll this year is $69 million.
–
Brett Favre said tonight that his Hall of Fame induction speech was “harder than any third-and-15.” Maybe because Favre realizes that no HOFer has ever rescinded his retirement?
Marco Rubio said today that a pregnant woman infected with Zika virus, even if she thinks the child would be born with severe microcephaly, does not have the right to an abortion.
And of course the Florida senator also proposed that government should pay for lifetime care for such a child. Oh, wait, never mind.
–
Donald Trump’s latest “Unstable Hillary Clinton, lacks the judgment, temperament and moral character to lead this country..She’s really pretty close to unhinged, and you’ve seen, you’ve seen it a couple times…she’s like an unbalanced person.”
Guess it’s not just Melania’s speechwriter who’s stealing phrases from Democrats.
Categories: baseball jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Canada jokes, Janice Hough, nbc is a joke, NBC jokes, Olympic jokes, rio jokes
Comments: 6 Comments
August 4, 2016
All of these emails today urging me to sign President Obama’s birthday card. Now saying “last chance” or “urgent.” Somehow I think he’ll get over not seeing my name.
–
#SFGiants got a runner on 3rd home with less than two out on a sacrifice fly today. Hope this isn’t a sign of apocalypse.
–
And with his 10th inning game winning home run, can Giants call Denard’s hit a “Span over troubled water?”
–
Paul Ryan says that Donald Trump has had a “strange” run since the Republican National Convention. In other news the speaker has announced that water is wet.
–
Approval ratings for President Obama at 54%, highest of his 2nd term. As most Americans realize how much they will miss him.
–
It’s looking like this will be Alex Rodriguez’s last year. Wonder if other teams will start gifting A-Rod commemorative cushions for while he sits on the bench.
–
Framingham State University in Massachusetts has canceled future Cinco de Mayo events after a student complained about the decorations and burrito bar “‘I feel as though whenever an event like this is taking place we go straight to stereotypes and it is EXTREMELY offensive!’
What’s next? Waiting for someone to complain that the 4th of July is offensive to those of British heritage.
Apparently a convoy of tourists in Afghanistan was attacked by the Taliban and at least six were injured. Shocking. There are tourists now in Afghanistan?
–
An 11 year old boy in North Carolina asked Mike Pence “I’ve been watching the news lately and I’ve been noticing lately that you’ve been kind of softening up on Mr. Trump’s policies and words. Is this going to be your role in the administration?”
This kid has more cojones than most journalists, can one of the networks sign him up?
–
The man accused of killing nine African-Americans in a Charleston church was apparently attacked and beaten today by a fellow inmate in jail today. “I feel so sorry for him” said no one.
If someone had written a novel about @realDonaldTrump’s Presidential campaign it would have been rejected by editors as too unbelievable.
–
#RussellWestbrook reportedly deleted #KevinDurant‘s farewell text to him. So “You had me at good bye?”
–
A young man with “mental health issues” in London is apparently responsible for fatally stabbing one woman and injuring several other people. Can only imagine had he been in the US with access to guns.
–
Sad, a knife attack in London has left 1 dead and several injured. A 19 year-old man is in custody. While terrorism remains a possibility,” the police say “mental health was a significant factor.”
“Mental health?” No race or religion to blame? Well, carry on then…
–
From Gerry. W., a fee that could make airlines millions, and that many travelers would actually applaud: http://www.cbc.ca/beta/comedy/funnystuff/air-canada-to-start-charging-for-emotional-baggage-in-2017-1.3631162
Categories: baseball jokes, football jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: A-Rod jokes, Janice Hough, Obama jokes, pence jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 7 Comments
August 2, 2016
For the SFGiants
So is #Duffcat a voodoo cat? And is he really ticked off @SFGiants traded #MattDuffy?
–
Post #Skeeter what the Giants may really need is kittens. LOTS of kittens.
–
#SFGiants scored twice as many runs for #Madbum as they had in his last 3 starts. Unfortunately he allowed as many runs as in last 3 starts
Well, looks like the #Dodgers are getting the same post-trade deadline “bounce” as the #SFGiants.
–
UNC has responded to several serious NCAA charges including academic fraud by denying that the NCAA has authority to handle the matter. So are the Tarheels trying to join the SEC?
–
#JohnMcEnroe threw out 1st pitch at Citifield before Yankees Mets game; he , was both fast & accurate. How many teams are bidding to add him to bullpen?
–
Lebron James says even though he brought a title to Cleveland with the Cavaliers, “My motivation is this ghost I’m chasing, The ghost played in Chicago.” (Michael Jordan.) Uh, Lebron, he’s not dead yet.
–
Who will regret their decision first – #TheBachelorette? Or some #MLB team who made a major trade at the deadline? #toosoon?
–
Dallas Cowboys LB Ronaldo McClain has been suspended for 10 games reportedly for “purple drank” – Sprite, cough syrup and codeine. So wonder if he will claim it was a tainted punch?
–
An AP review says there is the evidence for flossing is “weak, very unreliable” and “the majority of available studies fail to demonstrate that flossing is generally effective in plaque removal.”
So does that mean we’ve all been just flossing for the fun of it?
–
More resignations over the DNC email hacks today. But seriously, shouldn’t this be a reminder – you don’t post pictures of your junk, and you don’t put anything you wouldn’t want to see on the front page in an email.
–
Eric Trump, saying sexual harassment “should be addressed,” But regarding his sister, “Ivanka is a strong, powerful woman, she would not allow herself to be subjected to it,”
Can’t wait to hear the response when someone asks him about rape.
–
At a speech, @realDonaldTrump called for a crying baby to be removed. And later he fired the person who put the mirror on stage.
–
Longtime former Chris Christie aide Maria Comella, a Republican, “Donald Trump has been a demagogue this whole time, preying on people’s anxieties with loose information and salacious rhetoric.” She says she will vote for Hillary Clinton, adding that the GOP is “at a moment where silence isn’t an option.”
The Donald is going to have to hire a full-time aide to tell him who to send nasty tweets about.
Meg Whitman announced tonight that while she remains a Republican and “I don’t agree with her (Hillary) on very many issues, she would be a much better president than Donald Trump.” So Whitman will vote for, donate to and fund raise for Clinton.
So time to start a pool on which GOP figure will be next?
–
Seems like we just had #4thOfJuly & now it’s “#BackToSchool” sales Can #Christmas decorations be far behind?
Categories: baseball jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Cowboys jokes, flossing jokes, Giants jokes, Janice Hough, Meg Whitman jokes, the Bachelorette jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
July 31, 2016
Madison Bumgarner today had a pinch-hit lead off double for the SF Giants. Too bad manager Bruce Bochy doesn’t have more bench players who can hit like him. #PItcherswhorake
After Saturday’s SF Giants win manager Bruce Bochy was talking about deciding who to pinch hit: “Of course I’ve got Bumgarner on my left shoulder wearing me out”. And Bochy thought it was bad before today…
So at what point does some opposing pitcher write on wall of SFGiants visitor’s dugout “Do NOT throw fastballs to #40?”
The Chicago Cubs put pitcher Travis Wood in left & he made a great catch against ivy at Wrigley. Uh, oh, hope Madison Bumgarner isn’t watching. He’ll want to play the outfield next.
–
Then in the bottom of the 12th, Jon Lester won it for the Cubs with a suicide squeeze. #Pitcherswhokindofrake?
Earlier today the Warriors’ Draymond Green posted a picture of his junk on Snapchat, then took it down about 10 min later “I kinda hit the wrong button and it sucks. It was meant to be private. We’re all one click away from placing something in the wrong place and I suffered from that this morning.”
Uh, “WE’RE all…?” #Ifsocialmediaisoutlawedonlyoutlawswillhavesocialmedia?. Or more like #Cantfixstupid
–
The Brewers are 15 games out in 4th place, and catcher Jonathan Lucroy just exercised no-trade clause to veto trade to the first place Indians. Maybe just as well for Cleveland, has anyone checked Locroy for concussions?.
–
The Yankees have traded Andrew Miller, effectively surrendering for the season. Time for ESPN really to focus on football
–
After tweets of hers from 2013-14 showed her repeatedly using the “N” word, Miss Teen USA, Karlie Hay, 18, apologized, saying “several years ago I had many personal struggles and found myself in a place that is not representative of who I am as a person.”
So, Ms. Hay is young, but is she aspiring to be a GOP speechwriter?
Waiting for the Trump excuse, “I alone can debate myself.”
–
Let me see if I have this right. Trump supporters believe parents of children who were killed accidentally by illegal immigrant drivers were onstage for the good of our country, but the parents of a Muslim-American who died in Iraq were telling their story only for political propaganda….
From T.C. “Sign that I’m bringing to AT&T Park. Hunter Pence has read The Constitution!!”
Categories: baseball jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: bumgarner jokes, Cubs jokes, Janice Hough, SF Giants jokes, trade deadline jokes, trade jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
July 29, 2016
SF Giants announcer Mike Krukow referred tonight to the Giants’ “inning ending triple play.” Yeah, that’s the worst kind. #redundant
–
So many #SFGiants hitters are beyond due that the clubhouse should start stocking pitocin.
–
Time for #SFGiants to get it together, no more #RNC & #DNC conventions to distract us anymore from their recent awfulness.
–
Justin Bieber reportedly turned down $5 million offer to perform at an event during last week’s GOP convention. Well, makes sense, we all know how careful Bieber is to avoid embarrassing things that might hurt his image.
–
Today @realDonaldTrump said he has best temperament of anyone who’s ever run for President. #Idonotthinkthatwordmeanswhatyouthinkitmeans.
–
A Florida man is planning to sue after he spent 10 hours in jail when a police officer thought he had flakes of crystal meth on the floor of his car. It turned out to be glaze crumbs from Krispy Kreme
What is this world coming to when police cannot recognize doughnuts?
–
Olympic rower Megan Kalmoe on the upcoming Rio Olympics: “I will row through s–t for you, America.” As long as none of these victorious rowers toss their coxswains in the water.
–
The IRS is investigating Facebook’s having moved assets to their Irish subsidiary to avoid taxes, and the company said they could end up owing $3-5 billion. Two words – “more ads.”
–
Florida Governor Rick Scott has rejected federal money for high-speed rail, rejected Obamacare funding to expand Medicaid and criticized the President at every turn. Now with Zika cases in the state, “The federal government needs to show up and do their part.”
And Obama’s got to be thinking “What part?
–
Donald Trump tweeted in 2012 “Mike Bloomberg is doing a great job as Mayor of New York City. Ray Kelly is a great Police Commissioner. Mike Bloomberg.”
Wow, the Donald turns on some of these people so fast you’d think he used to be married to them.
–
Trump tweeted Hillary is “owned by Wall Street.” Spoken by someone whose response to being owned is just to declare bankruptcy?
–
Donald Trump yesterday said that watching the DNC made him want to “hit a number of those speakers so hard, their heads would spin.”
So if elected the Donald would sure make the USA popular at things like the G8 and other summits.
–
#WholeFoods stock fell 9 percent yesterday. Wow. How often do you see a price of anything Whole Foods drop?
(assist to paul lander on the wording)
–
The Martins have traded for Andrew Cashner and Colin Rea. So they’re bolstering their rotation for an October playoff run and a November sell-off.
–
Dallas LB Damien WIlson will miss the beginning of training camp with an eye injury he suffered playing paintball. The Cowboys aren’t thrilled, but have to figure better another injury than another arrest.
–
Donald Trump, unhappy about Hillary’s speech last night “I’ve been nice,But after watching that performance last night — such lies — I don’t have to be so nice anymore. I’m taking the gloves off.”
And he said it with a straight face.
A 16 year old boy is in custody in Houston after police say he fatally shot his parents, former player Antonio Armstrong and his wife Dawn, late last night. His siblings were also in the house but unarmed. No apparent motive. So just another Texas case of guns keeping people safer.
Categories: baseball jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bieber jokes, Janice Hough, SF Giants jokes, Trump jokes, Whole Foods jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
July 25, 2016
Often imitated, never duplicated #MichelleObama
–
“This right now is the greatest country on Earth.” And @BarackObama gets reminded again that he married up. #MichelleObama #DemsInPhilly”
Is it being too much of a girl to have been in love w/ #MichelleObama‘s speech & at same time going “I love her hair? Asking for a friend
–
How often do people say “Tonight I am proud to be from New Jersey?” #CoryBooker #DNCinPhilly
(“You can’t love your country without loving your countrymen and women. #CoryBooker tonight)
Love #bridgeovertroubledwater, but tonight Simon w/o Garfunkel showed why going it alone isn’t enough. #StrongerTogether #DemsInPhilly
–
Another woman who, even if she doesn’t get everything she wanted, still rolls up her sleeves to get to work. #ElizabethWarren #DemsInPhilly
–
Since 2004, I was and remain (albeit older) an Obama girl. Hillary Clinton got almost the same number of votes, 18 million, in the 2008 Primaries as Barack Obama. So it’s understandable that her very disappointed supporters did their best to disrupt the 2008 DNC convention. Oh wait, they didn’t. Never mind.
–
A simple statement for Bernie fans, with Clinton elected, Bernie Sanders will have much more power in USA than under Trump.
–
Earlier today word that some of Sanders’ supporters have “serious interest” in a “formal challenge” to replace Kaine on the ticket.
Sigh, are they trying to prove this IS their first rodeo?
–
Also earlier today, reports of Sanders delegates booing… Bernie?! WTF? Is this the result of too many years of participation trophies. #DemsInPhilly
All of this politics as reality TV is getting really confusing: At one point during #DemsinPhilly do Hillary and Bernie retire to Fantasy Suite?
–
Don’t get me wrong, putting what they did in emails was stupid. But just wondering how many folks condemning #DNC would be OK with coworkers, friends & family seeing what they wrote about them in their emails.
“Do I regret standing up for what I believe in? Absolutely not. Do I regret saying business should not be first before winning? Absolutely not.” Fine sentiments from White Sox pitcher Chris Sale, but dude, we’re talking about UNIFORMS. #acutabove
–
Cubs have now lost 4 straight starts by Jake Arrieta, SFGiants have lost 5 of 7 starts by Madison Bumgarner. Time for these two pitchers to start an “Offenses anonymous” club?
–
#SFGiants really need to start doing a better job again distracting us in the Bay Area from trivial things like the fate of our country.
–
#BarryBonds turned 52 years old yesterday. And he could still probably outhit most of the #SFGiants current lineup.
Is it going to take Madison Bumgarner hitting again on Wednesday to get #SFGiants back on track out of this slump?
Categories: baseball jokes, Hillary jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: #DNCinPhilly, bernie jokes, chris sale jokes, Clinton jokes, dnc jokes, Janice Hough, Michelle Obama, SF Giants jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
July 24, 2016
So we don’t have a woman president, yet but we do have @jessmendoza on @ESPN Sunday Night Baseball. It’s a start!
#SFGiants don’t really want Aroldis Chapman (cost and last year’s domestic violence arrest.) But they’d be fine with the #Yankees not trading him to #Nationals before next weekend’s series.
#MikeMayers, MLB debut, 1.1 inning, 9 runs, 60.75 ERA. I feel for his mother. #LAvsSTL
–
Chris Sale has been suspended five games for destroying his team’s throwback uniforms, which he didn’t want to wear, before Saturday’s game. On the other hand, he’s been offered freelance contracts by a lot of college football fans.
–
While #ChrisSale is serving that 5 game suspension could he come to #SF & cut up #SFGiants road uniforms? They don’t apparently work anymore.
–
Australian athletes are not moving into the Olympic village because they say it’s “uninhabitable,” with numerous safety issues. And Rio’s mayor responded “I almost feel like putting a kangaroo in front of their building to make them feel at home.” #whatiftheyhadanOlympicsandnobodycame?
–
The #IOC will not completely ban #Russia from the #RioOlympics. And many Russian athletes are thinking now “Damn, so this means we have to go?
–
#Trump, disbelieving Roger Ailes charge “because he’s a very good person,” & because #theDonald never considered that behavior harassment?
–
Oxymoron online ad of the day – “Upgrade to Yahoo search.”
–
Business Insider reports that many Kmart employees expect the company soon to close all their stores. And many Americans are going “Kmart still has stores?”
–
Donald Trump now proposes stop immigration “from any nation that has been compromised by terrorism,” and wouldn’t rule out France and Germany. Uh, actually would the Donald like to find ONE country that doesn’t have terrorism, including the USA?
–
But if #Trump‘s idea of banning immigrants from countries “compromised by terrorism” catches on around the world, it could be rough for Americans trying to move to Canada
–
Have no problem with removing Debbie Wasserman Schultz as head of the DNC for the convention and beyond. But anyone want to hazard a guess what the RNC internal emails might look like about Trump and others in the GOP primaries?
–
Critics are saying #HillaryClinton should have had #DebbieWassermanSchultz fired. Uh, and who’s to say she didn’t?
–
V.P. note for grouchy Dems who wanted someone other than Tim Kaine: Cory Booker, Sherrod Brown & Elizabeth Warren, all would’ve had their Senate seats filled by GOP governors.
–
Would have loved Clinton to take Booker. But Kaine ups her likability quotient. And I could get used to hearing “Senate Majority Leader Warren.”
Don’t get me wrong, I love Republican chaos. But some of same Democrats who are gleefully looking forward to November with the GOP not rallying behind Trump are also saying that Sanders shouldn’t throw his support to Clinton.
Categories: baseball jokes, GOP jokes, Hillary jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ailes jokes, baseball joke, bernie jokes, convention jokes, debbie wasserman schultz jokes, dnc jokes, dws jokes, Janice Hough, Olympics jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
July 22, 2016
Hillary Clinton has selected Tim Kaine as her running mate. #YesWeKaine
Donald Trump “Tim Kaine may be fluent in Spanish but he can’t make a taco bowl as good as the one in Trump Tower.”
–
So #Panik on DL, #Duffy on DL, and the #SFGiants gold-glove winning shortstop is the one who makes 3 errors in game….#WTF #SFGiants
–
If Bochy had resisted the urge to use DH, #Madbum would have been up in bottom of 4th with bases loaded instead of Blanco. #SFGiants.
–
Fortunately since he is not pitching Saturday Madison Bumgarner is available to pinch hit.
–
RIP #DennisGreen. Stanford fans remember him for the important things – he went 3-0 in Big Games, and his 1990 team upset #1 Notre Dame.
–
Many Americans are unaware that #HillaryClinton is a year younger than #DonaldTrump. Maybe because she has an age appropriate spouse?
–
Alas, it’s been almost 10 years since we lost the woman who really should have been commenting on Trump’s speech, but her comment on Pat Buchanan’s speech from 1992 will do just fine: “It probably sounded better in the original German.” #MollyIvins
–
But here’s the 2016 quote: “I’m overjoyed to see Donald Trump and most Americans embrace most of the issues that I’ve championed for years. My slogan remains America first.” David Duke
–
Yep, she’s the Donald’s daughter alright. After her speech last night, Ivanka Trump posted a tweet. About her policies, promises, politics.. ? Nope.
“Shop Ivanka’s look from her #RNC speech” with a link where to buy the dress at Macy’s.
–
The dress #IvankaTrump wore for her speech last night, from her own clothing line, was made in China. #MakeAmericaFakeAgain
–
#IvankaTrump did look pretty in dress at #RNC from her own clothing line Wonder if she looked like fairy princess to children who made it?
How often do I say this, but well played #STLCards, well played! #silverlining in a tough week. 16 innings against #Dodg-ers. #SFGiants
–
Knicks point guard Derrick Rose “With these teams right now, they’re saying us and Golden State are the super teams, and they’re trying not to build that many super teams.”
Uh, is Rose daring the NBA to drug test him?
–
One of #Trump‘s tweets last night – “This is a movement.” Yes, a bowel movement. #RNCinCLE
–
So in all seriousness, we heard a lot last night about how much Trump’s employees adored him. But I’ve been in the travel industry a long time, never heard any of the love – have gotten things like this direct quote from an unidentified employee at an unidentified Trump hotel – back in 2012 -“Just so you know he does not own the hotel – we all hate his policies!!!!”
–
And a contender for airline euphemism for the day, from Southwest. “We continue to manage through lingering disruptions following performance issues across multiple technology systems Wednesday,”
Translation, “We’re still cleaning up from our complete bleeping computer crash.”
Categories: airline jokes, baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Clinton jokes, Janice Hough, kaine jokes, sfgjants jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
July 20, 2016
Right about now after the last week both the SF Giants and GOP have to be hoping to see Bobby come out of that shower. #Dallas
–
#SFGiants have had the lead in exactly one inning since the All-Star break.
#SFGiants feeling sorry for #Dodgers with #Kershaw potentially needing back surgery. Maybe they can ship #Cain to #LA as a replacement.
–
#SFGiants have had the lead in exactly one inning since the All-Star break.
–
The Big 12 is thinking of expanding in football, from 10 teams to 12. Arithmetic, what a concept.
–
Paul Ryan, at a meeting of the Texas GOP, talked about the football rivalries like A&M and Texas, “When one of the teams advances to a big bowl game or a national championship, don’t you root for the Aggies if you are a Longhorn?”
The speaker got booed. Good thing Ryan didn’t try that in the Florida delegation with the Gators and Seminoles. He might still be in intensive care.
–
Paul Ryan also talked about Ohio State and Michigan rooting for each other in bowl games because they were in the same conference. Does the man realize that Ohio is in an open-carry state?
–
Well, not sure what @realDonaldTrump might plagiarize on Thursday, but just guessing it won’t be Reagan’s “tear down that wall.” #RNCinCLE
–
Reports are that John #Kasich turned down an offer to be “most powerful VP in history.” So was @HillaryClinton reaching across the aisle?
–
So wait, if #MeredithMcIver wrote speech what about lie Melania told about writing it herself. #IOYIYR #IOKIYT (It’s OK if you’re Republican, or Trump.)
#MeredithMcIver to take blame. Will Trump fire her? Not for plagiarizing but for saying for saying Melania always admired #MichelleObama
–
Donald Trump “Good news is Melania’s speech got more publicity than any in the history of politics especially if you believe that all press is good press!”
So how is the Donald going to start his speech Thursday? “Four score and seven years ago, all we had to fear was fear itself, but I have a HUGE dream that it’s time for Americans to ask what they can do for their country….”
After watching #RNCinCLE a lot of people are thinking by comparison that #OscarsNotSoWhite
–
So, okay, I think I’ve got this straight: The GOP wants Loretta Lynch to be disqualified as U.S. Attorney General for prejudice after her meeting with Bill Clinton. But it’s okay for Chris Christie to have the role after saying Hillary should be locked up. #SMH
N.H. GOP state rep and Trump advisor Al Baldasaro said Hillary Clinton “should be put in the firing line and shot for treason.” Uh, speaking of treason, doesn’t threatening a potential President fall into that category?
So @realDonaldTrump says #TedCruz didn’t “honor his pledge” And who should be more expert on not honoring pledges than man married 3 times.
–
Not that I quote Caitlyn Jenner almost ever, but on the bathroom issue, she noted that former Idaho Sen. Larry Craig, former Mississippi Rep. Jon Hinson & former Florida state Rep. Bob Allen had all been arrested for “lewd behavior” in men’s restrooms,
“Maybe what we should do is ban Republican representatives at a state level from being in the men’s room.
–
A Florida girl not chosen to be a cheerleader has threatened to sue if she isn’t named to the high school team. #ifonlyshewerearmed
–
Apparently many Twitter users were incensed that Megyn Kelly was wearing a spaghetti strap form-fitting top today to cover the RNC for Fox. Probably all Republicans. Democratic women would support Megyn’s right to dress as she pleases, and men would think the incident deserves a longer investigation.
–
How often does @HillaryClinton applaud #TedCruz? #RNCinCLE
–
Did #Trump give #TedCruz an #RNC speaking slot because Cruz’s dad still might know some of those assassins? #Fearfactor #RNCinCLE
–
MikePence, “I’m a Christian, a conservative and a Republican, in that order.” Just like it says in the U.S. Constitution…. #RNCinCLE #WTF?
Categories: baseball jokes, Hillary jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: convention jokes, Cruz jokes, Dodgers jokes, GOP jokes, Paul Ryan jokes, RNC jokes, SFGiants jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
July 19, 2016
Many in the California delegation at #RNCinCLE have gotten norovirus. Talk about a sh*tty convention.
With many in California delegation felled by norovirus at #RNCinCLE good thing they have TP.
If norovirus spreads throughout #RNCinCLE guessing delegates will decide which gender sign is on NEAREST bathroom will not be a priority.
–
Many in GOP loved #MelaniaTrump‘s #RNC speech. African-Americans just sigh “Another white woman getting credit for a black woman’s work”
–
Trump campaign on #MalaniaTrump #speechgate “When Hillary Clinton is threatened by a female, the first thing she does is try to destroy the person.” So “Blame Hillary.”
Congrats to all those who had “Tuesday morning in the pool.
–
Paul Manafort, Trump’s new campaign manager “These were common words and values. To think that she would be cribbing Michelle Obama’s words is crazy.”
Uh, does Manafort think the American public is crazy?
–
Question of the convention for Thursday night now, WWDP – “Who Will Donald plagiarize?” #MakeAmericaDuplicateAgain.
–
Trump seems obsessed with the idea of #CrookedHillary.. Maybe Freud was right about projection. #CrookedDonald #CrookedMelania?
–
So why did #KimberlinBrown speak tonight? Was she turned down by #DWTS? #RNCinCLE
–
The founder of “American Muslims for Trump” delivered tonight’s #RNCinCLE benediction. Founder and only member?
–
Traffic over the Hudson is a “nightmare” after a construction crane on the Tappan Zee Bridge collapsed this morning. Hoping this wasn’t caused by a Chris Christie jumping up and down tantrum over not being named Trump’s running mate.
Chris Christie defending Melania Trump’s speech, said that 93% of it was original. So open note to students. Try this excuse next time you’re about to be tossed out of a class or flunked for plagiarism. I’m sure the teacher or professor will understand. #SMH
–
That’s it, next year the #SFGiants need to cancel #AllStar break for all players. Simulated games every day to keep fresh.
–
Who’d a thunk seven years ago that would be a lot more relevant on the than ?
–
Clayton Kershaw apparently felt discomfort in his back after simulated start this weekend, and his return is uncertain. SFGiants fans wish him the best, maybe a relaxing vacation on a beach until sometime in November.
–
This spring in talking before a small group of advisors, George W. Bush allegedly worried that he “would be the last Republican president.”
And somewhere Dick Cheney just giggled.
The NY Daily News is reporting that Sean Hannity, Bill O’Reilly and others are considering walking out if Roger Ailes leaves the network. Promise?
–
What was real point of #Trump‘s scripted #RNC convention tonight, that he chose ex-wives who at least did good job of raising his children?
–
Donald Trump’s campaign will not fire anyone over #Melaniasspeech. Translation, maybe Donald wrote it for her. #speechgate
–
RIP Garry Marshall, 81, who created “Happy Days”” and directed “Pretty Woman.” Let’s hope it wasn’t the reviews from “Mother’s Day ” that killed him.
–
Trump goes after Bill over women when the Donald has had multiple affairs and marriages, he goes after Hillary for being crooked when he has had many of his own shady deals, and now it turns out after going after Biden for plagiarism, his wife Melania helps herself to Michelle’s speech.
Since Trump also seems obsessed with attacking Elizabeth Warren maybe time to check his family’s past resumes for requests for affirmation action?
–
So here’s what I don’t get. Nothing against Melania who presumably didn’t figure on a presidential campaign in her “for better or worse” vows. Still how easy to come up with a semi-apology, saying either that she must have read Michelle’s speech or that was part of her speech where she had help, whatever. …
And then Melania could have added something gracious like “We have very different ideas about how this country should be run, but we both want the best for our children and for our country’s future.” .But would that have been too reasonable for today’s GOP?
Categories: baseball jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Cleveland jokes, convention jokes, GOP convention jokes, Janice Hough, melania trump jokes, norovirus jokes, RNC jokes, speechgate jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
July 18, 2016
MLB’s Joe Torre sent a memo to managers and GMs telling them to stop arguing balls and strikes “This highly inappropriate conduct is detrimental to the game and must stop immediately.”
Uh, Joe, what about the “highly inappropriate conduct” of so many missed calls?
–
Alphonse Taylor, Alabama’s starting right guard and a pre-season All-SEC pick was arrested for alleged DUI Sunday am. Well, no doubt Nick Saban will suspend him for at least a quarter of the season-opener, which is against…. USC.
Never mind, I am sure Saban will take care of matters internally.
–
Two Florida teens were playing “Pokemon Go” in a car outside a house at 130am when the homeowner, hearing a noise, fired several shots at them. The kids were uninjured but found several bullet holes in the car in the morning. So what’s next for players, Pokeguns? #ifonlytheywerearmed
–
So when Scotland leaves after Brexit will it no longer be the British Open? #TheOpen
–
Although, seriously on a lighter note has there ever been a more riveting sports competition between two men over 40? #Hoorayforoldfarts
–
More sad news this morning, this time out of #BatonRouge . Seriously this #goodguywithagun idea is not working in the US.
–
Trump today – “How many law enforcement and people have to die because of a lack of leadership in our country? We demand law and order.”
So if the Donald gets elected he’s just going to demand people stop shooting each other? If only there wasn’t that pesky 2nd amendment.
–
The president of the Cleveland Police Patrolmen’s Association wants Gov. Kasich to temporarily suspend “open carry” for the sake of security during the RNC convention.
So where is Trump’s reply telling the police how much safer they will be with all those “good guys with guns?”
–
Actor Antonio Sabàto Jr.will apparently now speak at the #RNCConvention for Trump. Even #DWTS is going, “who?”
So Mike Pence in a joint “60 Minutes” appearance with Donald Trump spent much of his time trying to explain the Donald’s positions in a more measured way. So will Pence be known as “The Trump Whisperer?”
–
Categories: baseball jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: golf jokes, Janice Hough, open jokes, Phil Mickelson jokes, pokemongo jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
July 15, 2016
ESPN reports that the Yankees, at 44-44, are 38 losses away from their first under .500 season since 1992.
(No punchline, just with all the crap going on in the world I felt like sharing it. And after tonight, 37.)
–
Roger Goodell “I think all of us have evolved a little bit on the gambling. To me, where I cross the line is anything that can impact that integrity of the game.” “Integrity of the game?!” And Goodell said it with a straight face.
–
Our long national nightmare is over: Tom Brady has announced he will “no longer proceed with the legal process,” and serve his four-game Deflategate suspension.
–
GOP #TrumpPence ticket has #TP logo. If some creative #Dem isn’t selling bathroom tissue by Monday, will be very disappointed in America
New slogan for @HillaryClinton – “Clinton 2016, because TP will just take America down the toilet.”
–
–
Will #MikePence support right of Indiana businesses not to display that tightly interwoven TP logo on religious freedom grounds? #TrumpPence
–
With Mick Jagger having another child at the age of 72, how long before some company comes up with a combo pack of father-baby diapers?
–
There has been an attempted military coup going on in Turkey and apparently at the moment “it is unclear who is in charge.”
Well, the same can often be said of Washington, D.C.
This is not a good weekend for Europe. But have to wonder, just how upset is Donald Trump that events have overtaken his VP selection for headline news?
–
Looking at the Emmy nominations makes me feel old- I remember when network shows actually got nominated.
–
So now we have this new summer “Black Friday” and all these announced sales? For what reason, because somehow Americans don’t have enough stuff? #sarcasm
–
Newt Gingrich, in a last ditch attempt to overtake Mike Pence on the crazy train to be Trump’s running mate: We should “test every person here who is of a Muslim background, and if they believe in Sharia, they should be deported,”
Of course, those who are anti-minority, anti-gay and/or anti-women for “Western” reasons, well, not only should they not be deported but heaven forbid we stop them being armed.
Jeb Bush, in an op-ed today in the Washington Post said some in the GOP were “making us seem anti-immigrant, anti-woman, anti-science, anti-gay, anti-worker and anti-common-sense.”
SEEM????!
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Brady jokes, Goodell jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, pence jokes, tp jokes, Trump jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
July 13, 2016
So imagine what turnout could be in November if we put #Pokestops in voting booths. ##PokemonGO
At Stanford Shopping Center in California, a roving security robot allegedly ran over a toddler’s foot and knocked the child down. Was the robot texting at the time?
–
So the MLB All-Star Game is over, and now we again realize that after a voting process many people didn’t take very seriously, the result actually counts. Sort of like the GOP primary.
Tim Duncan, in talking about his retirement from the NBA, said he could “probably still play, but “It wasn’t fun at times. And I always said when that point comes when it’s not fun anymore then I’m done.”
And many of the 76ers, Knicks and Kobe’s ex-teammates, for starters, said “You mean it’s supposed to be fun?”
–
NBA commissioner Adam Silver just said that Kevin Durant going to the Warriors is “not ideal from a league standpoint.” Well, I’m sure that makes the Lakers feel so much better about their 2011 vetoed trade for Chris Paul.
–
In Nashville, a man had his face covered with toilet paper while he robbed a store. Witnesses said he appeared a little flushed.
–
The College Football Playoff is considering moving the semifinals from Dec. 31. “”We’re thinking about if New Year’s Eve is the way to go.”
Uh let’s see, last year’s Orange and Cotton Bowl semi-finals on Dec. 31 had 38.5 & 36.5 % drops in ratings from the year before. What was their first clue?
–
Interesting to see how many Republicans are upset by GInsburg’s anti-Trump comments and want her to recuse herself in cases going forward. Of course, these are the same people who wanted Scalia to recuse himself when his son was working for the firm George W. hired for Bush vs. Gore. #sarcasm
–
Forget what she thinks of Trump, now that the 2nd US Circuit Court has denied Tom Brady’s appeal, we really need to know what Supreme Court justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg thinks of the Patriots.
–
Indiana Gov. Mike Pence is on Trump’s VP short list. Before anyone gets the sense that the Donald is considering getting off the crazy train, remember that in 2012 then congressman Pence likened the Supreme Court’s ruling upholding the Democratic health care law to 9-11.
As Trump decides on his running mate, has anyone told Donald unlike marriage, he can’t just trade his choice in later on a younger model?
–
Trump apparently will announce his VP pick Friday. “It’s a little bit like ‘The Apprentice,” said Newt Gingrich, “You find out sooner or later who the last one standing is.”
Forget “The Apprentice,” isn’t it more like ‘Last Comic Standing.”?
–
The GOP is reportedly $6 million short of the $64 million fundraising goal they had for the convention next week in Cleveland. Can’t Trump get Mexico to pay for it?
–
Another reason Tim Duncan might have waited until this week to retire – it was too late for him to have to been “honored” at the ESPYs.
But the best of the ESPYs, if that’s not an oxymoron, was a great speech, seriously, from Craig Sager, diagnosed with terminal leukemia, “I’ve run with the bulls in Pamplona. I’ve raced with Mario Andretti in Indianapolis. I have climbed the Great Wall of China. I have jumped out of aeroplanes over Kansas. I have wrestled gators in Florida. I have sailed the ocean with Ted Turner. I swam with the oceans in the Caribbean. And I have interviewed Gregg Popovich, mid-game, Spurs down seven..
If I have learned anything through all of this, it is that each and every day is a canvas waiting to be painted, an opportunity for love, for fun, for living, for learning.”
Categories: baseball jokes, basketball jokes, football jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Supreme court jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: duncan jokes, ESPY jokes, ESPYS jokes, ginsburg jokes, Janice Hough, NBA jokes, pence jokes, pokemon jokes, RBG jokes, tesla jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
July 12, 2016
Tonight was David Ortiz’s last All-Star game as Big Papi is retiring. The Red Sox slugger could become even more beloved if he takes Joe Buck with him.
NL loses #AllStarGame again, along with home field advantage for #WorldSeries, after stranding 10. Clearly #Madbum should have pinch hit.
–
Just thinking #JohnnyCueto may be regretting how well he bonded with his #KCRoyals teammates last year. #AllStarGame
–
Marlins pitcher Jose Fernandez said tonight he’d groove fastballs to David Ortiz in All-Star Game because “I want to see him hit a home run.”
Well, not like the game means anything… other than home field advantage in the World Series. #SMH
–
Tim Duncan skipped his own retirement news conference today. But no doubt Kobe Bryant will soon call a press conference to discuss how it felt for him to play with Duncan.
–
So now the Holocaust Museum in Washington D.C. has had to ask PokemonGO players to stop playing the game – in their museum. Maybe some of these idiots should be playing it instead in traffic.
–
Another Tesla autopilot crash this weekend, this time nonfatal. The driver apparently reported that he did not have his hands on the wheel, and he did not hear warnings. But the car’s warnings are in English and he speaks Mandarin.
Beginning to think these cars should come with copies of the latest Darwin awards.
–
The Black Panther Party says they are going to protest at the GOP convention, and “if it is an open state to carry we will exercise our Second Amendment rights because there are other groups threatening to be there that are threatening to do harm to us.”
Can’t wait for the NRA’s defense of gun rights on this one.
–
#BernieSanders today “I have come here today not to talk about the past…” Who wrote his speech, Mark McGwire?
–
A man identified only as “John Doe 150” said when he was 14 he told Joe Paterno about abuse by Jerry Sandusky and that the Penn State coach responded “‘I don’t want to hear about any of that kind of stuff, I have a football season to worry about?'”
Would be less awful if that hasn’t been the response of big-time college football and the NFL to most off-field issues..
–
Fox News has suspended Newt Gingrich’s contract. “Due to the intense media speculation about Gingrich’s potential selection as Donald Trump’s V.P candidate, we felt it best to half his contributor role on the network to avoid all conflicts of interest that may arise.”
But until now, Newt has been “fair and balanced?” #SMH
–
In Florida a woman was taken to the hospital for evaluation after she drove into a house and told police she was praying with her eyes closed. This is not I think what Carrie Underwood meant with #Jesustakethewheel.
–
#BernieSanders didn’t exactly look thrilled to be on stage today with #HillaryClinton Maybe he and #ChrisChristie can form a support group.
–
Donald Trump, upset about Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s negative comments about him, says she should leave the bench “as soon as possible.” Uh, if the Donald thinks Elizabeth Warren is aggravating wait until he starts really jousting with Notorious RBG. #passthepopcorn
Donald Trump on RBG “I think it’s highly inappropriate that a United States Supreme Court judge gets involved in a political campaign, frankly.” Right, they should wait until after the vote and then determine the result.
During a memorial for the slain Dallas police offices, which was also attended by George W. and Laura Bush, President Obama stated at one point ‘We flood communities with so many guns that it is easier for a teenager to buy a Glock than to get his hands on a computer.’
Obama was criticized by many conservative for being political. But none of them said he was wrong.
(maybe the President should have said, any teenager with a gun who wants a computer could easily steal one?)
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, travel jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: All-Star Game jokes, bernie jokes, Christie jokes, cueto jokes, Gingrich jokes, gun jokes, Janice Hough, pokemongo jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
July 11, 2016
No farewell tour for Tim Duncan, unless you say it was the same quiet tour he was on for almost two decades.
Of course unlike Kobe, Duncan figured his last season would extend beyond the regular season.
#TimDuncan will be in Hall of Fame for many reasons. But this stat will probably never be matched again. He played 19 years, for ONE coach.
Draymond Green was arrested on assault charges in Michigan after what a police source called “basically an altercation between two guys.” And at this point, the Warriors and NBA have to be thinking “Well, at least it wasn’t a woman.”
–
Congrats to #JohnnyCueto for being named NL All-Star game starting pitcher. Not a bad consolation prize for #SFGiants not getting Zack Greinke
You could have actually bet on the Home Run Derby winner tonight in Las Vegas. And if you seriously bet, and care, you just MIGHT have a gambling problem.
(But if you bet on Celebrity Softball you DEFINITELY have a problem.)
Ok, probably didn’t want to see him risk injury with 50 plus swings. But would have been fun to see a #MadBum cameo in #HomeRunDerby
–
San Diego Padres All-Star Wil Myers today told the media “East Coast Mexican food is better than West Coast Mexican food.” Has someone checked Myers for concussions?
–
So many top #NL pitchers won’t be playing in this year’s All-Star game you’d almost think it was an Olympic event.
(or as my friend Steve L. says “or the GOP convention.)
–
Jordan Spieth is the latest golfer to withdraw from the Olympics. If this keeps up maybe Tiger Woods should consider going to Rio – he could win by attrition.
–
United flight from San Francisco to Frankfurt delayed almost two hours due to “catering difficulties.” Wouldn’t it have been faster to call Domino’s?
–
Starbucks is giving all US store employees and managers at least a 5% raise this year, plus improved stock benefits. And soon no doubt a generous low-interest loan payment plan for their regular customers.
–
#PokemonGO, the hottest new app in years, but it has security risks. As in players are likely to walk into trees. other people, & traffic.
–
Donald Trump today called himself the “law and order candidate.” As in “I make my own laws and don’t follow orders.”
–
GOP now pushing for a perjury probe against Hillary Clinton over her emails. Because of course they wanted the same probe with the Bush administration over those alleged WMDs. Oh, wait, never mind.
Got a free sample of Eye Repair Cream today, a solid white cream that claims to “reduce the look of dark circles and puffiness.” On the back – “For external use only.” #beammeupScottietheresnointelligentlifeonthisplanet
–
As #BernieSanders prepares to endorse #HillaryClinton anyone but me half expect him to say at the last minute “Just kidding”?
With joke writing, you never know in advance about getting material, except this week – when Donald Trump will announce his running mate
Categories: baseball jokes, basketball jokes, GOP jokes, Hillary jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, draymond green jokes, duncan jokes, home run derby jokes, Janice Hough, madbum jokes, pokemon jokes, Starbucks jokes, tim duncan, Trump jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
July 7, 2016
Most people are good, most police are good. Guns make it too easy for the assholes.
(picture taken earlier tonight during the protest.)
It really is awful news out of #Dallas. Not even sure what questions to ask. But more and bigger guns are NOT the answer.
So every time we see a terrorist attack anywhere around the world many want to make America a lot less of a free country. And yet, when we have shootings, even mass shootings, here at home, those same people wouldn’t dream of making it even a little harder to get guns.
–
Not that the jokes are more important, but laughter does beat crying….So back to the attempts at humor:
#KevinDurant on meeting #Warriors “It was organic. It was authentic.” Is #KD talking basketball or becoming a spokesman for #WholeFoods?
–
Lots of emails from the SF Giants about voting often for Brandon Belt for the All-Star Team, and no doubt other teams are doing the same for their players. So here we have a game that “counts” for home field advantage during the World Series, and the teams are partly filled by good old-fashioned ballot box stuffing. God Bless America.
–
Johnny Cueto leads #MLB in complete games. #Cueto has had an up-close view of the #SFGiants bullpen this season. #coincidence?
–
Matt Harvey, 4-10 with a 4.86 ERA, is considering season-ending surgery. Of course, the way he’s been pitching, his season as a Mets starter could be ending soon anyway.
–
Cardinals placed Matt Carpenter on 15-day disabled list with a right oblique strain. Starting to feel old, I remember before players had obliques.
–
Amazing, the same House that couldn’t find time for votes on gun control can find time for hearings on Hillary Clinton’s emails. I sure hope this doesn’t distract them from their important business of trying to repeal Obamacare again.
–
Bernie Sanders is reportedly going to endorse Hillary Clinton next Tuesday. Waiting for some of his supporters to claim the endorsement was rigged.
–
Tom Brady has just declined Donald Trump’s invitation to speak at the GOP convention. Did someone inform the Patriots QB that Democrats and moderates buy his jerseys too?
–
Bill O’Reilly showed old pictures yesterday of Barack Obama at a Muslim wedding, as some sort of proof of the President’s real identity. So when will O’Reilly start in with these GOP candidates who insist, despite their voting records, that they are not homophobic because they have attended a gay wedding?
–
Hillary Clinton is a long way from perfect. But just guessing, if she had used a government server for her email Republicans would now be after her claiming she had illegally sent personal or campaign emails with the account, or something. Because when it comes to the GOP and Hillary, as Roseanne Rosannadanna said “It’s always something.”
Hardest thing about writing #DonaldTrump posts, having to double check all his statements to make sure they’re #NottheOnion
–
Ted Cruz announced he has accepted Donald Trump’s invitation to speak at the GOP convention. Guess the Donald figured he didn’t have time to start a reality show to find speakers?
–
Britain’s Conservative Party chose Theresa May and Andrea Leadsom as the final two candidates in the race to succeed David Cameron, meaning the next Prime Minister WILL be a woman.
So shall we start a pool in how long it takes Trump to insult one or both of them?
#Trump leaning towards #Gingrich as his V.P. choice? So six wives worked for Henry VIII, the Donald thinks it will work for his ticket?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: All-Star jokes, cueto jokes, email jokes, Janice Hough, sanders jokes, Trump jokes, Warriors jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
Left Coast Sports Babe 