Archive for the ‘sports jokes’ category
March 13, 2013
Just wondering, how many of the 115 Cardinals theoretically choosing an infallible Pope couldn’t even choose law-abiding priests.
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At the Vatican, the Cardinals have been locked up until they decide on a Pope. Couldn’t we try something like this with Congress and the sequester?
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T.C. says ” The Cardinals gathered at The Vatican have yet to elect the new Pope. Neither have the Saints, Rams or Falcons. However, the Jets are pushing to get Tebow elected, as they know it wouldn’t cost them a draft pick.”
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New York Mets utility player Jordany Valdespin took a 94-mph Justin Verlander pitch right to his, ahem, groin area yesterday. He wasn’t wearing a cup. Wonder if it’s still a Darwin award if the person survives but may not be able to reproduce.
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A California assemblyman has proposed a statewide bill banning smoking in apartments, condos and other.multi-unit residences. This could result in some bi-partisan revolt – if the bill goes beyond tobacco.
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A golfer is glad to be alive after he was rescued when a sinkhole opened up beneath him Friday on a Illinois golf course. Does this make him golf’s first lucky one-in-hole?
(Chris E. says, “Please tell me someone was yelling ‘Get in the hole.'””)
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Does Paul Ryan not get the concept that if America had wanted his b.s. budget, we would have voted for him and Mitt?
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Is Baden-Powell spinning somewhere? The Boy Scouts have resisted allowing openly gay members because of tradition. And now they have (seriously) approved a video game merit badge. .
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Somewhere George W. Bush is giggling. Paul Ryan today on his budget: “This to us is something that we’re not going to give up on, because we’re not going to give up on destroying the health care system for the American people.”
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Yikes, the conservative Koch brothers may be interested in purchasing the L.A. Times. If true, this could mean something in Los Angeles San Franciscans hate more than the Dodgers.
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The NCAA has announced their new college football championship tournament will not have a sponsor. Translation, no one’s yet offered enough money.
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A serious thought, if being serious about “the Bachelor” isn’t a contradiction in terms: If you’re going to tell a girl goodbye when she thinks you’re going to propose….don’t start with a nice romantic speech. KISS. Keep it short, stupid.
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Peter Banks, the original guitarist for “Yes” died last week at the age of 65. By “Who” and “Rolling Stones” standards, a mere child.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: golf jokes, janice hough jokes, NCAA jokes, papal conclave jokes, Paul Ryan jokes, Pope jokes
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March 12, 2013
Confused here, so when the Bachelor finally makes his choice do they send up a plume of rose-colored smoke?
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So the Vatican wants the Church to be more relevant in a modern age. Maybe they could increase interest in this whole Papal selection process by publishing brackets? (And warning those brackets are not for betting purposes.)
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Yesterday on “Meet the Press,” Jeb Bush referred to political reporters as “crack addict” or “heroin addicts.” Well, this ought to get media relations for his probable 2016 run off to a good start.
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Jeb Bush, when asked about the effect his family history might have on a run for the Presidency, replied “I don’t think there’s any Bush baggage at all.” And Sarah Palin commented “And they call ME stupid?!”
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A 25-year-old Seattle high school softball coach has resigned after he was caught allegedly sending female students out to get photographs and phone numbers of “cute girls” for him. Well, on the bright side, at least he wasn’t sleeping with his players.
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Not a boxing fan, but kudos to former UFC light heavyweight champion Rashad Evans: “I am a heterosexual guy in a tough macho sport, which is exactly the reason I feel a duty to say I support gay marriage and gay rights. What people overlook is that is isn’t a sex issue, its a love issue. There’s no justifiable reason for trying to get in the way of two people who love each other.”
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A bipartisan group of eight Senators has apparently come to an agreement on a path to legal status for illegal immigrants Meanwhile, a bipartisan group of eight members of the House is close to agreeing that the sun sets in the west.
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The Yankees are so desperate for temporary help due to all their injuries that they’ve reportedly talked to retired players Derrek Lee and Scott Rolen, and they’re even interested in Chipper Jones. “Hey, I’m available” chimed in Brett Favre.
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Some are comparing Mayor Bloomberg to a Nanny. But really, is that the best analogy? Remember Mary Poppins and her “spoonful of sugar?”
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A judge just tossed out New York City’s large sugary soda ban, a day before it was to take effect. Here we go through the appeals process … your tax dollars at work.
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Wonder if the court’s decision on the large sugary soda ban will last through Opening Day. Does alas wreck the excuse of “Really, honey, I didn’t want all those beers, but they were the only large cold drinks I could get.”
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New York Mayor Bloomberg said the people who will be helped by the city’s soda restrictions will be poor people who “don’t have the ability to take care of themselves as well” as the wealthy. Can’t wait to see the next time Bloomberg meets up with Chris Christie.
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Donald Trump said today he’ll cover the costs to keep White House tours open for rest of the year. Makes sense, presume the Donald would want a sponsorship banner or sign: it’s the only way he’ll get his name on a door in the White House.
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How the other half travels: The Four Seasons in Hong Kong has a Club Level package for three night that covers garment pressing – with the note “up to six garments per day.”
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: #ATFR jokes, Bloomberg jokes, Janice Hough, New York soda ban jokes, The Bachelor jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
March 10, 2013
Just thinking, if we’re going to lose an hour wouldn’t most Americans prefer it to be during working hours on Monday?
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Many Americans are worried about the hour they are losing out of their lives this weekend. So they are relieving stress by playing more online games and looking for additional pictures of cats to post.
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Marshmallow Peeps are celebrating their 60th anniversary this year. And some of the original products from 1953 no doubt taste as fresh as the day they were made.
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Ah nanny states. So starting this week in New York,due to the new surgary soda rule you won’t be able to order a pitcher of Coca Cola when you go out with friends. But you will be able to order a pitcher of beer or margaritas….
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Jim Carrey, who originally said he was out of a “Dumb and Dumber” sequel, now says he would consider it. In the meantime, there’s always C-Span.
A major brawl broke out during Canada’s 10-3 WBC win today over Mexico. What did they think this was, a hockey game?
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Regarding this WBC brawl between Canada and Mexico, wonder how many baseball people are privately thinking “A few more of these would do wonders for ratings.”
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Mariano Rivera, who will retire at the end of 2013, says “The last game I hope will be throwing the last pitch in the World Series. Winning the World Series, that would be my ambition.” So the season hasn’t started, and Rivera already wants to be traded?
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RNC chairman Reince Priebus’s said this week that MSNBC contributed to GOP losses in the 2012 election. Shocking? Someone thinks MSNBC actually has power?
(Maybe he should have complained that Fox didn’t have enough.)
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WTF moment. TSA now says bringing 3.5 ounces or more of liquids through security is still forbidden, but small knives including box cutters are okay. Although we have never actually had terrorists use liquids on planes….
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If anyone’s tried to bring a partially empty bottle through security, TSA will take it away, even if you have less than 3.5 ounces of liquid inside. Because they say terrorists could mix small amounts of stuff together in a larger container. Fair enough, so then post security – stores selling large water and soda bottles. Sigh.
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An JetBlue plane was taken out of service after it was clipped by an Air India jet this morning at JFK. Let the un-PC foreign driver jokes begin…..
First entry from Nick Coombs: “Geez you’d think the one thing an air India flight could do properly would be the taxi.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Daylight savings jokes, janice hough jokes, jokes, TSA jokes, WBC jokes, Yankees
Comments: 1 Comment
March 8, 2013
This might be the first link to a commercial I’ve ever posted. It’s for the new Amazon Kindle, and if you haven’t seen it, it’s so worth 30 seconds of your time. IMHO:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=lS3t9reE364.
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Barack Obama took 12 GOP senators out to dinner last night and personally picked up the tab. Waiting for Ted Cruz to demand the President’s impeachment for attempted bribery.
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San Diego may soon permit medical marijuana sales from vending machines. Assume next to the Doritos machines?
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QB Gunner Kiel, a top recruit in 2012, changed his mind and defected from both Indiana and LSU before ending up at Notre Dame. Now Kiel has now announced he is transferring after one year in South Bend. What’s Gunner’s reason, that the Fighting Irish weren’t offering enough of a commitment?
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Michigan Senator Carl Levin, 78, has announced he will not seek re-election in 2014. “Retiring so young?!” remarked John McCain.
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Mariano Rivera says he is retiring after the 2013 season. Responded Cher – “The first time is the hardest.”
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Former SF Giants closer Brian Wilson has announced he will not try out for MLB teams until he is at 100% following his second Tommy John surgery. Does that mean “the Beard” is retiring?
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A new study shows that consuming large quantities of processed meats can raise your risk of premature death by 44%. Hmm, maybe a solution to the Social Security/Medicare funding crisis – free hot dogs and bacon for all!.
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The Big East is probably changing their name for football to “America 12 Conference” as they’ve registered the domain name “America12.org” The way schools have been leaving hope they also registered “America11” “America10”, “America9” and so on….
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Facebook’s new News Feed will apparently place greater emphasis on photos that members post. You know what this means, even more cats!
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Milwaukee Brewers GM Doug Melvin ended up in the Scottsdale emergency room after being stung by a scorpion. Hearing the story, SF Giants fans are surprised it didn’t happen to Jeremy Affeldt.
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Pop star Justin Bieber needed medical attention after he. fainted during a concert in London. Fortunately Bieber did recover, and to the dismay of most parents in attendance, he did return to finish the show.
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From Bill Littlejohn: “Johnny Manziel said that he will take out an insurance policy in case of a career-ending injury. And after he takes out this one for the nightclubs and bars he goes to, he’ll also take out one for playing football.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Amazon-Kindle commercial, baseball jokes, Bieber jokes, facebook jokes, sequester jokes
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March 5, 2013
Kim Jong Un’s wife apparently secretly gave birth in late 2012. This could further explain why the North Korean dictator wanted Rodman to visit – not only does Dennis know basketball but no doubt he was also the baby’s first clown.
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No brainer? Magic Johnson has offered LeBron James $1 million to participate in the NBA’s slam dunk contest. Seriously LeBron, do the dunks, take the $1 million, donate it to charity. Might be the best “Decision” you ever publicly made.
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Charlie Sheen is saying that Lindsay Lohan needs help and is offering to be her mentor. Which is a nice thought, but just exactly how screwed up do you have to be before Charlie Sheen is your voice of reason?
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Anyone else get the impression listening to Mitt Romney now that instead of having to run for President, he feels that he should have just been appointed to the job, like a Pope?
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Reggie Bush says that Real Madrid’s Cristiano Ronaldo “definitely could” have made it in the NFL? Maybe, though like most soccer stars, it would have been an adjustment for Ronaldo to learn about falling on the the ground hard when he was REALLY hit.
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Joe Flacco says his new 6-year $120.6 million deal with Baltimore “wasn’t necessarily about the money. It was about earning that respect and feeling like I was respected around here.”
So if the Ravens had offered him $100 million, would Flacco have felt disrespected?-
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Marissa Mayer reportedly came up with her directive abolishing telecommuting when she found out that employees weren’t logging in at home as much as they were supposed to be. Or is it just possible they tried regularly, and ofter couldn’t get Yahoo mail to work….
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Apparently there are already some extra long airport wait times at Customs and things will get worse in TSA lines due to the sequester. But surely at this difficult time the U.S. can find money in the budget to make sure all members of Congress go through secondary screening.
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A question no one would have heard not that long ago. “I forgot my phone, can you please tell me what time it is?”
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NY GM Brian Cashman broke his ankle this morning skydiving. Who does he think he is, part of the Yankees’ putative starting lineup?
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Gonzaga is #1 in the AP men’s basketball poll today. There goes any hope they had of being the tournament’s Cinderella.
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Really? Actual headline from this morning: “Kate Middleton Attends Wedding While Nearly Five Months Pregnant.” Shocking what some women are able to accomplish..
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From my friend Alex Kaseberg: A little tacky but … “Quoting Youngbloods, everybody try to love one another right now. Except for that witch blocking the grocery aisle with her cart. Die, whore”
(I’m thinking the same on a few folks with 35 items in the Express Line.)
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, March madness jokes, Mitt Romney jokes, North Korea jokes, Rodman jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
March 3, 2013
Mitt Romney on his 47% statement, it was “unfortunate” and “what I said is not what I believe.” Guess the running mate Mitt should have chosen was Newt Gingrich – who himself said “Any ad which quotes what I said Sunday is a falsehood.”
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According to Dennis Rodman, Kim Jong Un doesn’t want war with the U.S, but he would like President Obama to pick up the phone to chat about, for starters, basketball. So where’s the SNL skit on this? To the tune of “Call me, maybe.”
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There’s a children’s book out called “A President from Hawaii.” Wonder how many folks look at it and say “See, proof, he isn’t from the United States.”
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No one has come up with a good catch phrase to describe this sequester. Shame “March Madness” is already taken.
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Two World Series titles in three years and I’ve yet to see a national writer or publication pick the SF Giants to win the west in 2013. Even Rodney Dangerfield thinks this team can’t get any respect.
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UCLA Freshman Shabazz Muhammad, who will declare for the NBA draft, played his last game at Pauley Pavilion today, saying “I’m really happy I came here and represented UCLA because it’s a great school and I just gained a lot of experience.” Give the guy credit, at least he didn’t pretend it was about the whole semester he got of education.
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No injuries were reported when a United Airlines flight from Vancouver had to make an emergency landing today at San Francisco International Airport. Wonder how long it will take United to bill the passengers with an “excitement surcharge.”
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The San Antonio Spurs’ star Tony Parker should be back for the playoffs, but will be sitting four weeks with a ankle sprain. Out of habit David Stern fined Gregg Popovich.
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Confused about this new “Catholic 7?” Guess it’s supposed to be a new NCAA basketball division. Sounds more like the semi-finalists in a reality show about electing the Pope.
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Really? From Politico: “Sec. of State John Kerry is calling on bickering Egyptian leaders and opposition politicians to forge a political consensus that will allow the country to emerge from economic crisis.” Does this even need a punchline?
From Bill Littlejohn: The Milwaukee Brewers’ Italian Sausage costume has been returned. Just in time, the police were thinking of going after Joey Chestnut.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: janice hough jokes, NBA jokes, Obama jokes, Pope jokes, Romney jokes, sequester jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
March 2, 2013
Oops, Obama confused Star Trek and Star Wars by referring to a possible “Jedi Mind Meld” with Republicans. So much for that title “E! Online” gave the President of “Commander in Geek.
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Just as well in some ways the President messed up the line, these days had he gotten the Star Wars reference right, Republicans might have accused him of being born on the asteroid colony Polis Massa
A CNN lab test of Budweiser showed that the beer contained 4.94% alcohol by volume, compared with 5% stated on the label. Oh the horror. Where’s the class action lawsuit?
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Gov. Chris Christie says he will appeal a decision upholding a ban on sports gambling in New Jersey. Of course what he means is “legal” sports gambling in New Jersey.
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Not sure what it says about our country that more Americans seem to care about President Obama’s mixing of Star Wars and Star Trek metaphors than the sequester….
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Dorothy Hamill, 56, is appearing this weekend in San Jose in the “Stars on Ice” tour. Wonder if the show’s grand finale will feature Hamill screaming “You punks get off my rink.”
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Facebook is having reporters come to their headquarters next week to “come see a new look for News Feed.” What, have too many users gotten comfortable with the current version?
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Manti Te’o says no teams asked about his sexual orientation at the NFL Combine. Which is good, but have to wonder if it’s because some teams figured they didn’t have to….
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Now traces of horse meat have been found in food served at Taco Bell’s UK restaurants. This fortunately would never happen in the U.S. No one has ever accused our Taco Bell food of containing any actual meat.
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The President of Groupon was fired yesterday. Wonder if the board told him by sending him a message saying his deal had expired.
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A Florida man was apparently swallowed last night by a sinkhole under his bedroom. Other Floridians were dismayed, especially as the man wasn’t Governor Rick Scott.
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Okay, it’s tacky, but anyone else think this Hugo Chavez death watch is turning into a Monty Python skit? “Not dead yet, sleeping…”
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From Marc Ragovin: “So Dennis Rodman has been hanging out with Kim Jung Un. One is an unstable madman bent on world destruction, while the other is the leader of North Korea.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Florida jokes, Janice Hough, jedi mind meld jokes, Manti Teo jokes, Obama jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
March 1, 2013
Steve Nash says he does not regret deciding to join the Los Angeles Lakers. Makes sense, at his age, Nash likes the idea having playoff season off.
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In the Honda Classic tournament Thursday Tiger Woods walked into the water on the 6th hole to play a partially submerged ball and save par. Of course, long-time golf fans remember the days Tiger used to walk on water to make birdies.
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Dennis Rodman has been publicly and happily hanging out in Pyongyang with Kim Jong Un. Well, this ought to dispel North Koreans’ image of Americans as a strange and perverted people.
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You cannot make this “stuff” up: A California woman says she was fired for being pregnant by her fiance (who is now her husband.) Because pre-marital sex was in violation of the San Diego Christian College “Handbook and Community Covenant.” The part you can’t make up, the school then the man they knew to be her fiance a job.
(of course, if they really believed the fiance to be innocent of premarital sex maybe they should have not only reinstated the woman but made joyful planes for a Second Coming.)
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The subcompact Toyota Yaris has a speedometer that goes up to 140 mph, although apparently the car can’t top 109. On the other hand, many scales designed for American adults still have all the numbers below 100.
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So I’m low-tech, but have to think most of America is wondering – is there an app that would allow you to watch American Idol and automatically block not only commercials, but also block Nicki Minaj?
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Asked about his position on a bill in Wisconsin requiring ultrasounds before abortions, GOP Rep. Sean Duffy responded “I don’t know what a trans-vaginal ultrasound is. I’ve never had one.” And women are thinking, “Hmm, how can we demonstrate the concept to him?”
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All this controversy over NFL prospects being asked about their sexual orientation…. Maybe some teams are hoping for gay players… would cut down on the out-of-wedlock children.
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Pope Benedict’s farewell tour has everything but a bobblehead.
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Lindsay Lohan is heading for another trial, this time over last year’s car crash, after reportedly rejecting rehab plea bargain that would have kept her out of jail. Makes sense, not like a trial has ever really put her in jail either.
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Baltimore’s Terrell Suggs said he “guarantees the other 31 [NFL] teams hate the New England Patriots.” Is Suggs working on having 31 teams hate the Ravens too?
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from TC – “Baltimore Ravens linebacker Brendon Ayanbadejo, who has been a supporter of gay rights, said that the NFL will have its first openly gay player by 2014. Vegas has already made any Tight End player a 1-5 favorite. Second choice at 1-1 is anyone named Rock or Elton.”
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Dennis Rodman jokes, Janice Hough, Lindsay Lohan jokes, NBA jokes, NFL jokes, Tiger Woods jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
February 28, 2013
Our long Wisconsin nightmare is over. The Milwaukee Brewers’ running Italian sausage, “Guido”, had been missing,, until two mystery men dropped off the costume in a bar. Wonder if they decided any plan to hold the sausage for ransom wouldn’t cut the mustard.
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A class-action suit claims Anheuser-Busch is watering down their beer. With all due respect, how would Budweiser drinkers know?
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Old 49er quarterbacks never die, they just move to Kansas City.
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A new company “Powerful Yogurt,” is trying to overcome the image of yogurt as women’s food by making a Greek yogurt “for men by men.” What, does it taste like beer?
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54% of California registered voters who responded to a recent Field survey supported legalizing marijuana for recreational use. Which is impressive considering the number of probable “yes” voters who just forgot to respond to the survey.
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Larry Flynt told “Hollywood Reporter” he has been working on a two year campaign to out a prominent anti-gay GOP congressman. Not sure who will be happier if he succeeds, Democrats, gays, or the nation’s comedy writers.
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The NFL says they are investigating reports that teams at the scouting combines asked prospects about their sexual preference. Have to assume that many of the young men involved if asked what their sexual preference was would simply reply “frequently.”
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Joint effort with my friend Pete Brody, who saw a man at Orlando International Airport with T-shirt saying “There are only 2 types of women: those who use brooms and those that ride on them”. Where is a crazy woman (or dog) taking advantage of Florida’s loose gun laws when we need them?
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Only silver lining with the Stanford men’s third consecutive home basketball loss – 65-63 to Colorado – Wednesday night? Doesn’t look like the players will have any distraction from final exams this March.
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Lane Kiffin said that if former USC QB Matt Barkley had the defense that Matt Leinart and Carson Palmer had, he would have won the Heisman Trophy just like they did. Hmm, and what if Barkley had had the head coach they did….?
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As the potential “sequester” approaches, NJ Governor Chris Christie criticized both parties for not providing “bipartisanship and leadership.” If Christie really wants to motivate folks in Washington, maybe he could just threaten to sit on them.
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Justice Antonin Scalia today referred to the Voting Rights Act as “perpetuation of racial entitlement.” And somewhere MLK is thinking “I have a nightmare.”
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Better line from my friend Todd Harris, “Anyone notice that the Voting Rights Act is “out of date” because it’s about 50 years old, but the nearly 250 year old 2nd Amendment is ever current.?”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, beer jokes, Janice Hough, Milwaukee Brewers sausage jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
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February 27, 2013
A woman was only slightly injured in Florida after she tried to preheat an oven where her friend had stored a magazine from his Glock. And when the heated magazine exploded. Forget background checks for gun owners, maybe we need to start with IQ tests.
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A thought about former Surgeon General, C. Everett Koop, who just died at the age of 96, was a conservative evangelical Christian. But he supported condoms and sex education in schools to help stop the spread of AIDS. These days some in the GOP would have called for his recall.
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Lindsay Lohan’s new lawyer is in trouble for sending a letter to the Santa Monica and L.A. City Attorneys claiming he is working with the prosecutor to “fix” Lindsay. “Fix Lindsay Lohan?” It would be easier to turn this into a bipartisan session of Congress.
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N.J. Gov. Chris Christie today became the eighth GOP Governor who, while decrying Obamacare, decided he would accept the portion that expands Medicaid to more low-income adults in his state. So should we start a pool on who will be ninth? (Or as my friend Linda asks, “who will be last?”)
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Angels’ manager Mike Scioscia says he’s not worried about the apparent 10-15 extra pounds Mike Trout packed on in the offseason. The young man after all is still only about half a Panda.
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Miss Delaware Teen USA, who just turned 18, has given up her crown after she was reportedly seen in a sex video. On the brighter side, the precocious young woman could be named an honorary Kardashian.
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The California Legislative Women’s Caucus formally complained Wednesday to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences that Seth MacFarlane’s Oscar hosting “struck a new low in its treatment of women.” Uh oh, has anyone warned these folks about that “50 Shades” moving coming out?
(And I realize not all my women friends will agree with me here, but come on, Seth MacFarlane, what did they EXPECT? Especially if any one’s seen “Family Guy.” Maybe he should have also done a reprise of the SNL skit “D*ck in a box.”)
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Another Oscar thought from Alex Kaseberg: ” The Oscar show was so long, during the broadcast, Taylor Swift dated a guy, broke up with him, and then wrote and recorded a song about what a jerk he was before it was over.”
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From my funny friend Jim Barach, (this one’s for my son, Carey Schwartz.) : “Scientists say that Mars may still be inhabitable today. After all, look at how many people are still living in New Jersey.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Florida jokes, gun jokes, Janice Hough, Oscar jokes, spring training jokes
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February 26, 2013
Johnny Damon, 39, apparently would love a chance to play for the Yankees again in the wake of the injury to Curtis Granderson. To fit in with the rest of their team, New York, however, is presumably looking for someone with more experience.
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Not sure about all the music at this year’s Oscars. But that Jaws music cue has potential for political speeches.
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Is “the Bachelor” contractually obligated to say “this is the hardest decision I’ve ever made in my life” a certain number of times per show?
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The Bachelor talks about falling in love with two women who he can both see becoming his wife. Wonder how many calls Sean will get from people offering to convert him to Mormonism.
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Oops, John Kerry said today in a speech about the State Dept that they support democratic institutions in Kyrzakhstan…” Wonder who in the GOP will be the first to say “More party politics, what about Republican institutions in Kyrzakhstan?”
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A “crippling, historic blizzard” has the National Weather Service in Amarillo, Texas posting “DO NOT TRAVEL” on its website. Maybe Mother Nature isn’t too pleased about Governor Perry’s trying to talk businesses into leaving California for Texas.
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Manti Te’o’s 40-yd dash time today at the NFL combine was 4.82 seconds, 20th out of 26 linebackers. At this point, forget the imaginary girlfriend, Teo’s looking like an imaginary first-round pick.
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The government of Iceland is planning to ban print and online pornography. Some citizens are upset – they’re called “men.”
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Sorry, when a company has you on hold for over half an hour and they are telling you “your business is EXTREMELY important to us,” what they should be saying “your business is not nearly as important to us as keeping costs down by not hiring enough people to answer our phones.”
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Rough month for the Vatican. Scottish Cardinal Keith O’Brien has resigned before the papal conclave, after 3 priests and a former priest alleged he tried to seduce them. Could be worse. At least the allegations involve adults.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Janice Hough, john kerry jokes, Oscars jokes, Seth MacFarlane jokes, The Bachelor jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
February 25, 2013
As Johnny Carson once said as Oscar host “this is the night we honor movies And what happens? Millions of people watching televison. No one in the movie theaters.”
Anyone else think “We Saw Your Boobs” is a better Oscar song than “It’s Tough Out There for a Pimp?”
Still a lot of talk Monday morning about Seth MacFarlane’s “We Saw Your Boobs” song last night at the Oscars. Not to be confused with C-Span, which is “We See You Boobs.”
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Not sure about all the music at this year’s Oscars. But that Jaws music cue has potential for political speeches.
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The shoemaker’s children…. women who just won for hair styling and makeup might have had the worst hair and makeup of the night.
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One of the most amusing things about the Oscar ceremony…. how some of these actresses can be wearing clothes that cost more than an average American’s average salary, and still look like they didn’t get dressed in front of a mirror.
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Jane Fonda, 75, looks better than many actresses half her age. Maybe that commie-pinko youth is good for you.
Now that Anne Hathaway has won her #Oscar maybe she can grow her hair out again and eat something?
In Benedict’ XVI’s last Sunday address in St. Peter’s Square the Pope said he was following God’s wishes by stepping down. “Why didn’t I think of that?” said Sarah Palin.
A “crippling, historic blizzard” has the National Weather Service in Amarillo, Texas posting “DO NOT TRAVEL” on its website. Maybe Mother Nature isn’t too pleased about Governor Perry’s trying to talk businesses into leaving California for Texas.
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Kim Kardashian’s baby daddy, Kanye West on Saturday: “The Grammys can suck my d–k.” And he’s supposed to be the classier of the two future parents.
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Fauja Singh, 101, finished the Hong Kong marathon’s 10k today, in 1 hour, 32 minutes, and says it is his last race. “Quitting so young?” responded Brett Favre.
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Oakland Raiders’ DT Desmond Bryant, a Harvard graduate, has been jailed in Miami on a misdemeanor charge of criminal mischief. Who says Ivy League graduates never fit in in the NFL?
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Yahoo has upset many employees by telling them they can no longer telecommute starting in June, a change which is particularly hard on working parents. This is the kind of thing that wouldn’t happen if you had more women running companies…. Oops, never mind.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Academy Awards jokes, janice houghar, Oscar jokes, Pope jokes, Yahoo jokes
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February 22, 2013
Okay, for any woman who didn’t like the way her hair or her clothes looked today, cheer up, it could have been much worse. Kim Kardashian’s newest maternity style:
Rush Limbaugh said today “I am ashamed of my country.” And most of our country responded – “Funny, that’s the same way we feel about you.”
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Justin Timberlake and Jay-Z have announced a summer tour that includes a stop at Yankee Stadium July 19. And unlike A-Rod, both promise to deliver some serious hits.
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Johan Santana’s first Spring Training start has been pushed back two weeks, although NY Mets GM Sandy Alderson says the pitcher isn’t injured. Guess Santana needs time to head to Brooklyn to look at that bridge he’s going to buy?
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Outgoing transportation secretary Ray LaHood says that triggered budget cuts may result in 90 minute flight delays. If so, wait for the airlines to add an “boarding area overtime usage fee.”
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New York Knicks GM Glen Grunwald thinks the team can win the NBA championship this year. Even Cubs fans are thinking “this man is delusional.”
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Six young adults have been stabbed, none with life threatening injuries, in a brawl on the street outside a downtown Los Angeles nightclub. Gosh, if they had only had guns to protect themselves.
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If automatic spending cuts go into effect March 1, one group that won’t see their $174,000 salaries cut is Congress. Because the 27th Amendment prohibits members from changing their pay until after the next election. Uh, how hard would it be to write a check to the U.S. Treasury?
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More on Oscar Pistorius, coach Ampie Loew says he would like to see the Olympics star back in training as early as Monday “as a means to shifting his mind onto more positive things than the bloody events of Valentine’s Day morning and the fatal shooting of Steenkamp.” Wow. Get out the violins for the poor guy…..
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From my funny friend Jim Barach, “A report says that 38% of restaurants mistakenly label the type of fish they serve. For instance, there are several dishes at Red Lobster that are labeled as “fish”.
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The Golden State Warriors center Andrew Bogut is out “indefinitely.” So congrats to all those who had February 22 in the latest pool.
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Can’t decide what’s more amazing… that the NBA San Antonio Spurs are so consistently good, or that they manage to do it with so little drama.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Kardashian jokes, Mets jokes, NBA jokes
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February 22, 2013
The NFL apparently wants to move their combine, the start of free agency, and the draft, to early March, April and May respectively. This so the league has one “big event” each month during the offseason. Well, other than arrests.
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If Oscar Pistorius is released on bail, his coach said the “Blade Runner” will resume training next week. And here Nike thought Tiger Woods’ marital issues made him an embarrassing spokesperson.
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At this point the Pistorius investigation is inviting comparisons to the O.J. Simpson case. But so far, compared to the South Africans, the LAPD is looking competent.
Former Illinois sergeant Drew Peterson was sentenced to 38 years for the drowning death of his third wife, Kathleen Savio. The case shocked state residents. They’re not used to sending policemen to prison, only politicians.
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The NY Post reported that Lindsay Lohan ended up ruining a $1750 dress she borrowed for Fashion Week. Shocking. Who would be stupid enough to loan Lindsay a dress
Bill Littlejohn, on Art Imitating Life. “Lew Temple — Axel from The Walking Dead — was once a scout for the Houston Astros.”
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Indiana’s state Senate advanced a bill to “protect women’s safety” by requiring an transvaginal ultrasound both before and after having a first trimester abortion. Well, while they’re at it, how about protecting men’s safety by requiring a rectal ultrasound before and after a prostrate exam?
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The lawyer for the former mayor of Bell, California, who is on trial for misappropriating funds, says his client was too uneducated to realize that his $100,000 salary for a part-time job was illegal. I think I like “fell into a lifeboat” better.
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Welcome to America. Quote from a English tourist about the shootout on the Las Vegas Strip this morning: “This doesn’t happen where we come from. We get stabbings, but this is like something out of a movie. Like ‘Die Hard’ or something.”
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Back to the Oscar show. Okay, maybe this is U.S.-centric, but I’m having a hard time imagining how a detective who is facing an attempted murder charge even gets on another murder case in the first place.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Oscar Pistorius jokes, Pistorius jokes
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February 21, 2013
Mark Hamill, 61, says that his Luke Skywalker character will probably appear in the new Star Wars movie. This time of course, with Skywalker using a Sky Walker.
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You cannot make this “stuff” up: Former N.M Senator Pete Domenici, who voted to impeach Clinton, now admits he had an out-of-wedlock son 30 years ago himself. (With the daughter of Paul Laxalt, who was a Senator from Nevada at the time.) Ah, family values.
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Holland America is going to have a “Dancing with the Stars” cruise. Well, for some men we’ve probably got a vacation prospect less appealing than going on the Carnival Triumph.
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One way in which celibacy will make Pope Benedict’s retirement easier: He won’t be dealing with a wife saying “Infallibility, schmallibility, just take the damn garbage out.”
Now it turns out the lead detective in the Oscar Pistorius case is himself facing attempted murder charges? Who knew that the South African police might end up making the LAPD with the O.J. Simpson case look good?
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Good thing at least in the Pistorius case no gloves seem to be involved. Yet.
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But seriously, while no one absolutely knows what happened that night, anyone doubt that if Pistorius had been a non-celebrity with this story about shooting his girlfriend , they’d already be discussing sentencing and plea bargains?-
UCF, (University of Central Florida), just became a D1 football school in 1996. Today the school shut down most fraternity and sorority activities as it investigates two frats for alleged hazing and alcohol abuse. Guess it didn’t take the UCF Greek system long to advance to the big time.
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The Univ. of North Dakota suspended men’s basketball announcer Paul Ralston for two games after he used the phrase “choke job” regarding a recent loss. During his suspension wonder if Ralston has been offered the chance to do announce spring training games for the Chicago Cubs.
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Former U.S. Rep. Jesse Jackson pleaded guilty to misusing campaign funds, saying in a statement: “I offer no excuses for my conduct and I fully accept my responsibility for the improper decisions and mistakes I have made.” What? No blaming it on the media or his enemies? The guy clearly doesn’t belong in politics.
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A legal claim filed in Antioch, California accused a teacher of duct-taping an 8-year old boy’s mouth to keep him quiet. Which if true, is awful. Duct-tape has no place as a silencer involving children – unless it’s used on the parents of Little Leaguers.
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From Tony Alan Banks: “Roger Clemens needs to be tested. For Massengill or Summer’s Eve.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Carnival jokes, Janice Hough, Oscar Pistorius jokes, Star Wars jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
February 19, 2013
Celine Dion has had to cancel this week’s concerts at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas theatre because she is suffering from sinusitis. “What an awful shame,” said thousands of women with tickets. “Dodged that bullet” said their husbands and boyfriends.
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Roger Clemens, who Mindy McCready said she had a 10 year relationship with, starting when she was 15, issued this statement today about her death by suicide: ” Yes, that is sad news. I had heard that she was trying to get peace and direction in her life. The few times that I had met her and her manager/agent they were extremely nice.” Once a douchebag, always a douchebag.
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Police in a small New York town arrested a mother who hired two strippers for her son’s 16th birthday party. And here I remember the days when hiring a pony was considered over-the-top.
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Alec Baldwin making news for a confrontation with a photographer….. This is turning into a real-life version of “Groundhog Day.”
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FIFA said today they will use goal-line technology at the 2014 World Cup. Now if they can just get experienced actors or drama teachers to judge flops.
Really?! Thanks to a $6 million donation, Florida Atlantic University has announced their brand-new stadium will be dubbed “GEO Group Stadium.” GEO is the U.S.’s second largest operator of for-profit PRISONS. Wouldn’t it have been more appropriate for them to partner with the Cincinnati Bengals?
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Rumor is that the NCAA soon plans to accuse the University of Miami of a “lack of institutional control.” Yes, this is the SAME investigation where the NCAA fired their own V.P. of enforcement over “shocking” missteps. Pot, kettle. Kettle, pot.
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Got to wonder about that New Orleans voodoo. Tonight was the FIRST day since the 49ers lost in the Super Bowl that a San Francisco Bay Area team won a game. (It was the San Jose Sharks. The Golden State Warriors are still winless.)
We have criminal trials for a reason, so no need to rush to judgment but at this point O.J. Simpson is thinking Oscar Pistorius’s story sounds a bit farfetched.
Wonder how long it will take the NRA to say that if Oscar Pictorius only had another gun in his bathroom his girlfriend might be alive today…..
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And for that matter, at least four people are dead in a Orange County, California shooting spree that started at a home and ended up on the freeways. Waiting for NRA statement saying we should start driving with hands-free guns.
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Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: janice hough jokesCeline Dion jokes, NCAA jokes, NRA jokes, Oscar Pictorius jokes
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February 18, 2013
Downton Abbey Season 3 Finale was Sunday night, along with the NBA All-Star Game. One is about rich, pampered and privileged people who live in a fantasy world; the other is a BBC series.
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At this point the situation in DC is such that if President Obama came out with a resolution praising motherhood and apple pie, the GOP would accuse him of being anti-fathers and disrespectful of other fruits.
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Just in time for Lincoln’s birthday, the state of Mississippi on Feb 7, 2013, finally officially ratified the 13th amendment abolishing slavery. Who says the South is backwards?
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Sorry to hear of the death of longtime Lakers owner, Jerry Buss. On the bright side, he doesn’t have to watch any more of this season.
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Congrats to Danica Patrick, who won the pole for the Daytona 500. Let the pole-dancing jokes begin.
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Just a nasty story about that 60 year old man who is accused of using a racial slur and slapping a crying 2 year old on a flight earlier this month. What kind of scumbag slaps a young child on a plane? Now, slapping a few parents, I can see the temptation….
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Really?! Lots of people talk too loud on their cellphone, but woman in an airport lounge is reading her credit card number, expiration date and security code loud enough to hear it across the room. Economic Darwinism in action?
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Although Facebook earned more $1.1 billion in 2012, a tax break for executive stock options meant that the company not only paid no federal/state taxes, they will actually get tax refunds of $429 million. And some will still say businesses can’t afford to operate in California….
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Maker’s Mark says that customer feedback has caused the company to reverse their decision to cut their whiskey from 90 to 84 proof due to a “supply shortage.” Well, guess this answers that question – “What happened to the guy who came up with the idea for New Coke?”
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Tampa Bay DE Da’Quan Bowers was arrested today at La Guardia airport after police found a loaded handgun in his carry-on bag. Jeez, what was he thinking? Trying to get traded to the Bengals?.
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Spring training games haven’t even started and the season’s first error? Josh Hamilton told a Dallas tv station last weekend that the DFW area is “not a true baseball town.” (April 22, mark your calendar, when the Angels play the Rangers in Arlington.)
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CBS pulled their new reality series “The Job” after two episodes. In fact the ratings were so bad they’re considering picking up the show at NBC.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Downton Abbey jokes, facebook jokes, Janice Hough, NBA jokes, Republican jokes, spring training jokes, travel jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
February 15, 2013
Silver lining department: Never have so many people been so happy to arrive in Mobile, Alabama.
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The Carnival Triumph cruise turned into days of some booze, limited food, overflowing toilets and foul odors. In other words, a floating frat house.
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Understatement of the year award to Gerald R. Cahill, CEO of Carnival: “We pride ourselves on providing our guests a great vacation experience. Clearly, we failed in this particular case.”
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Kevin Youkilis, who yesterday said “I’ll always be a Red Sock”, today came out with “I’m a Yankee today, and I’m excited.” Wow! Youkilis changed positions so fast you have to wonder if he has future plans to run for office.
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Rabbits have been eating the wiring of cars parked at Denver International Airport by eating spark plug cables. Parking companies are building “better” fences and adding perches for predators like hawks and eagles. Large numbers of large birds near an airport, what could possibly go wrong?
All this hullabaloo about Chuck Hagel, a combat veteran. Can you imagine if President Obama had nominated a draft-dodger for Secretary of Defense, you know, someone like Dick Cheney?
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Rough weekend decisions coming up for Congressional Republicans. Do they blame Obama for the Carnival Triumph fiasco or the meteorite hitting Russia?
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Back aboard the bus, or rather, the ship to hell- How about songs to play in honor of the Carnival Triumph? My starter suggestions: “Slip sliding away.” “Stuck in the middle with you.” “The Night the Lights Went out in Georgia,” “Where do we go from here?” “Stuck on you,” “Smoke on the water….”
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Reports are that Harrison Ford will once again play Han Solo in an upcoming Star Wars movie. Only this time the quote would be “I’ve got a bad feeling about this, if I could remember what it is.”
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In his new book, “Long Shot,” Mike Piazza is now blaming Vin Scully, (Vin Scully?!) for causing Dodgers fans to boo him in his final weeks with the team. Forget steroids, the “S” that will keep Piazza from ending up a beloved Los Angeles icon is “stupid.”
From T.C. “American Airlines and US Airways have formally announced they plan to merge. This deal was supposed to finalize sometime in 2009, but it’s been delay after delay after delay……”
First Manny Ramirez, now Mark McGwire is wearing Dodger Blue as a hitting coach…. SF Giants fans are accepting apologies for all those steroid remarks Los Angeles fans made about Barry Bonds.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Alabama jokes, Carnival Cruise jokes, Carnival Triumph jokes, cruise ship jokes, Janice Hough, Yankees jokes
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February 14, 2013
Okay, someone somewhere with time on their hands is going to rewrite the Gilligan’s Island song….
“Oh this is a tale of our Carnival, we’re here for a long long while… Have to make the best of things, it’s a poop-filled time…” Etc. (folks feel free to add.)
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One couple on the stricken Carnival Triumph was married aboard the ship Saturday. Well, they’re certainly getting the “for worse” out of the way in a hurry.
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RGIII’s rehab from reconstructive knee surgery is going so well that the Washington Redskins officials believe he has a legitimate chance to be injured again in the 2013 opener.
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Only two games on the NBA schedule Feb 14 going into All-Star Weekend. This is actually unfortunate for many players. Means they had to make the tough choice about spending Valentine’s Day with which one of the mothers of their children.
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President Obama spent part of of his day hanging out with preschoolers at an Early Childhood Learning Center in Georgia. Must have been a nice change to deal with people who are more mature than Congress.
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Had enough of being tagged in all of these “Two free tickets on Southwest scam” photos. Presumably anyone who tries to claim them can go with Manti Teo’s girlfriend?
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Okay Mark Zuckerberg, if you can get the Governor of New Jersey to your house for a fundraiser (as happened last night) then you can hire someone competent enough to block the “Free Southwest Tickets” spammer on Facebook. Have gotten four or five today.
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Kevin Youkilis said in an interview at Spring Training that he’ll “always be a Red Sock”, and he’ll “never be Alex Rodriguez.” New York Yankees fans are thinking they’ll forgive him for the former if he’ll promise the latter.
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West coast problems: Trying to decide whether or not to turn on office air conditioning in February.
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Generally there are few things less special than anything referenced in an email titled “A special offer just for you.”
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A last serious thought for the night. While I know Carnival will be giving all kinds of compensation to passengers on the Triumph, I hope the cruise line also remembers to give some serious extra compensation to the crew. Because while minimum-wage and immigration are also in the news, here’s something travelers may not know: Cruise line employees aren’t illegal. But because those lines register ships in foreign countries, they don’t even have to pay U.S. minimum wage – housekeeping and restaurant staff are basically working for tips.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Carnival jokes, Carnival Triumph jokes, cruising jokes, Janice Hough, Southwest free tickets scam, spring training jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
February 13, 2013
So who has bigger hangovers this Wednesday? Folks who were at Mardi Gras, or those who played State of the Union drinking games?
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President Obama said that the American people expect us to put our Nation’s interests before Party. Some probably want to impeach him for that.
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President Obama says he wants to fix bridges before they fall down. Okay, which GOP governor is going to stand up first and say we don’t need that wasteful government spending in our state?
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So what SOTU drinking game was #MarcoRubio playing?
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Note to Senator Marco Rubio: Government probably spent money to make sure that water tonight was safe for you to drink.
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Marco Rubio says President Obama’s economic plans will hurt the middle class. Shocking. Rubio believes there still is a middle class?
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LAPD reported late this afternoon that Chris Dorner is dead. Uh, did they see the last episode of “House?”
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So while we wait to see for sure if Chris Dorner is alive or dead, a question – How long until the made-for-tv movie comes out?
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So many conflicting stories. Next I expect to hear that the body that was found or not found in that burning Big Bear cabin was Lennay Kekua.
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For those who try to find a silver lining in everything, at least passengers on the Carnival Triumph out of Galveston won’t have gained weight on their cruise.
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Darwin would be so proud. A 52 year old man who was a daily customer and unofficial spokesman for the Las Vegas restaurant “Heart Attack Grill” which serves things like an over 9,000 calorie “Quadruple Bypass Burger,” went into cardiac arrest in front of the restaurant and died..
Four freshmen on Alabama’s national champion football team were suspended today after being arrested and charged with 2nd-degree robbery and credit-card fraud. (One had been arrested 2 days before on a gun charge) Wonder if it’s too late for the players to apply for the NFL draft.
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Robert Reich quotes an Economic Policy Institute study saying that the wealth of the Waltons – Walmart’s founding family – now exceeds the wealth of the bottom 40% of American families COMBINED. And some still think it’s a good idea for everyone to have guns.
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Yes, he said it. John Boehner, when asked if he was ready to talk with President Obama about a path to citizenship for undocumented immigrants: “How about a little foreplay first?” Talk about an indecent proposal.
The IOC voted to drop wrestling from the 2020, instead of the rumored modern pentathlon, which combines shooting, running, swimming, fencing and horseback riding. Well, this ought to reassure those who think the IOC is focused on rich nations.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Carnival jokes, Dorner jokes, janice hough jokes, Marco Rubio jokes, Obama jokes, SOTU jokes, state of the union jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
Left Coast Sports Babe 