Archive for the ‘political jokes’ category
February 7, 2015
Note to Brian Williams. Forrest Gump was a fantasy movie, not a mission statement.
Now that #BrianWilliams has stepped down most the trusted newscaster in America might well be #JonStewart
A serious thought about Brian Williams, as Dr. Gregory House once said, “Everybody lies.” And most parents have a version of the “walking to school three miles in the snow, uphill both ways” story for their kids. But when your entire career is based on trustworthiness, thinking he should have stepped down maybe less for the lie, than his stupidity in thinking that he was always going to get away with it.
–
Bruce Jenner was involved in a multi-vehicle accident in Southern California. And of course it would be inappropriate for anyone to make women driver jokes.
–
Browns QB Brian Hoyer said today that the NFL’s investigation of text-messages from the Cleveland front office could affect his thinking if he becomes a free agent. Well, or at least it sounds classier than saying “I don’t want to work for any team that thought it was a good idea to draft Johnny Train Wreck.”
–
A GOP congressman from Maine is being criticized by many conservatives for his vote this week against a proposal to repeal Obamacare. But Bruce Poliquin says that while he is against the ACA, he thinks a replacement plan should be ready first, and besides, the House has already voted against it many times. “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.”
Is this guy trying to be drummed out of the Republican party for excessive common sense?
–
Chevrolet has decided that per Tom Brady’s wishes, they will give the truck he won as Super Bowl MVP directly to Malcolm Butler instead. The only thing, instead of Brady, the rookie will now have to pay the income taxes on the $35,000 the company says the Chevy Colorado is worth. You’d think they would have at least tried to underinflate the truck’s value.
–
San Francisco Archbishop Salvatore Cordileone wants to put morals clauses in Catholic school teacher contracts, whereby they could be punished or dismissed for (his quote) “escorting a woman into an abortion clinic, handing out contraception to students, or for being a member of a white supremacist group.” Right, because whatever your beliefs, those three things are SO equivalent.
–
But hey, pedophilia? Crickets. Everything that is not forbidden…
–
A Florida woman just gave birth to a 14 pound baby boy. FSU immediately offered the child a football scholarship.
Increasingly the #Knicks at Madison Square Garden are less a road game for most #NBA teams than an expense paid vacation to New York
–
New commissioner Rob Manfred says MLB will start awarding the All-Star games by a Super Bowl-type bidding process. And the Yankees and Dodgers are thinking, “Great, can we just doing the World Series the same way?”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: baseball jokes, Brian Williams jokes, Bruce Jenner jokes, Catholic jokes, GOP jokes, Janice Hough, MLB jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
February 4, 2015
Wow. NBC News anchor Brian Williams admitted today that his 2003 story of being shot down in a military helicopter down by enemy fire in Iraq was false, but “I don’t know what screwed up in my mind that caused me to conflate one aircraft with another… I feel terrible about making this mistake.” “Conflate one aircraft with another?” I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat” better.
–
Conrad Hilton Jr, 20, appeared in court and was ordered to surrender his passport during a court appearance over a meltdown on a flight from London to LA last year which including him calling flight attendants ‘f***ing peasants.” Who knew that big sister Paris would turn out to be the class of that family.’
–
So on the highways in the greater Seattle area, will all “No passing lanes” be renamed in honor of Pete Carroll?”
–
So the Super Bowl was only a few days ago, and already we’ve had 3 current NFL players arrested. Letroy Guion, D’Qwell Jackson, and Joseph Randle. Looking good for all those who bet the “over” in Vegas.
–
Indanapolis Colts LB D’Qwell Jackson has been arrested and charged with assault for hitting a pizza deliveryman over an argument about a parking space. Isn’t it time for the NFL to welcome their new sponsor, Uber?
–
In the “cheer up, things could be worse” airline division, I give you China’s Spring Airlines, which is trying to get approval for selling discount tickets to passengers willing to stand. No joke.
–
Yasiel Puig just said that the Los Angeles Dodgers real rivals are not the SF Giants, but the St. Louis Cardinals. That ought to make Puig even more popular when the Dodgers visit AT&T Park in April.
–
From Alex Kaseberg. “The Chicago Cubs’ renovation of Wrigley Field has caused a huge neighborhood rat infestation. The good news? They’re Cubs rats, so they’ll be gone by October.”
–
Because of a case involving an HIV-positive man who didn’t disclose his condition to his partner, the Florida Supreme Court will now consider the definition of “sexual intercourse.” Though presumably they turned down a request to testify on the subject from Bill Clinton.
Anthem, the second largest health insurer in the US, said today its database has been hacked, potentially exposing personal information about 80 million customers. Anthem said that the breach exposed “names, birthdays, social security numbers, street AND email addresses, plus employment information, including income data,” But no credit card information was exposed. Well, okay, as long as the hackers didn’t get anything important. #facepalm
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: anthem jokes, baseball jokes, Brian Williams jokes, Conrad Hilton jokes, Janice Hough, NFL arrest jokes, Pete Carroll jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
January 29, 2015
Apparently there have been two middle of the night false alarms this week at the Patriots’ Super Bowl team hotel. Has anyone talked to the Seahawks’ ball boy?
–
The Hallmark Channel will broadcast Kitten Bowl II Sunday. They will use 92 kittens who they say they have trained for nine weeks? “Training kittens?”. Is that in preparation for herding them when they grow up?
–
A Florida woman was arrested and is being held without bond for allegedly beating her husband with a shoe, after she caught him in their bed with another woman. Well of course, it’s Florida. She should have simply shot him.
–
Police in Idaho say they got a 911 call from two men transporting 20 pounds of marijuana, who mistakenly thought undercover officers had discovered their stash. But the cops had no idea, until the men called, with their location. #cantfixstupid
–
Silver lining for New England on “deflate-gate.” Reports aren’t asking the Patriots about Aaron Hernandez and his murder trial.
–
Comcast eventually refunded two years of bills when consumer advocate Christopher Elliott interceded on behalf of a man who tried to cancel service and found on his next bill, his name was changed to ‘A**hole Brown.’
Got to wonder though, just what did the customer say to elicit that response?
–
Nationals outfielder Jayson Werth has been sentenced to 5 days in jail for driving 105 mph on the Capital Beltway. Some Washington fans are upset, some don’t care, and most just want Werth to tell them where they can get up to 105- mph on the Beltway.
–
Best thing about this non-stop Super Bowl pre-game hype: knowing that when the game is over that it’s only about 2 weeks until pitchers and catchers report.
—
Whatever you think about Michelle Obama’s decision not to wear a head covering in Saudi Arabia, one thing seems pretty clear. If the First Lady had worn a black hijab, photos of her would be used in more than a few future GOP campaign ads in conservative areas.
–
Meanwhile, Sarah Palin, ranting on Fox because Bill O’Reilly dismissed her potential Presidential candidacy: “The people of America deserve the best and competition through a GOP primary, whether a Bill O’Reilly or somebody else assumes a reality show or not, they deserve that competition to surface the competitor who can take on Hillary or whomever it may be and win for this country.”
Well, I don’t know about what the American people deserve, but comedy writers are just hoping we are worthy.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Janice Hough, kitten bowl, Saudi Arabia jokes, Super Bowl Jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
January 29, 2015
Florence Henderson, 81, who will forever be Carol Brady to many baby-boomers, gave an interview during which she talked about currently having a “friend with benefits.” And you think it was tough figuring out that YOUR parents actually had sex.
–
Facebook was down for an hour Monday light, and apparently 5 people called 911 about it. Really? Don’t these people understand that 911 is for serious issues. Like if your television goes down during the Super Bowl?
–
A fighter jet flew low over Berkeley today, scaring a lot of residents. Turns out it was a Navy pilot showing off for his brother who is a student at the university. Wonder if the pilot will claim he was pushed into the cockpit.
–
Good to see that, once again, NFL has its priorities in order. Apparently Marshawn Lynch may be fined anyway, not for his “I’m just here so I don’t get fined” respondes, but for wearing his “BeastMode” cap which was not a league approved brand.
–
Thinking for Marshawn Lynch and the NFL it would be much more efficient if the Seahawks running back just put money for his fines in a retainer account at the beginning of the season and the league notified him when to top it up.
Bill Clinton, joking about what he would want to be called if Hillary runs for President and wins – “I could be called Adam.” (First man.) I don’t know. What about “First Bubba?”
–
Headline hyperbole award of the day.- “Home heartbreak.” Talking about the Warriors’ loss in OT yesterday to the Bulls. Golden State had a 19 game winning streak snapped and is now 36-7. #tragicreally
–
A now former Stanford University star swimmer was barred from campus after being charged with five felony counts. He was arrested after allegedly being found raping an intoxicated, unconscious woman on campus. What an idiotic a**hole. Since he’s a swimmer instead of a football player, no other school will give him a second chance.
–
You really can’t make this stuff up. Now Michelle Obama has a new supporter. For today. This tweet “Kudos to @FLOTUS for standing up for women & refusing to wear Sharia-mandated head-scarf in Saudi Arabia. Nicely done.” From Ted Cruz.
–
Joel Grey, in a new People magazine interview that he didn’t like labels, but if you “have to use labels, I’m a gay man.” “I’m shocked,” said about two people.
–
Two steps forward, one step back. While Pope Francis is winning friends for the Catholic Church around the world, now we’ve got Father Joseph Illo, who took over a San Francisco church recently and is getting rid of girls as altar servers.. This because females cannot enter the priesthood, and “Boys usually end up losing interest because girls generally do a better job A boys-only program gives altar boys the space to develop their own leadership potential.” #nottheonion
–
Bus to hell, or heaven, from Gary Bachman: “A cat, presumed dead and buried, showed up in neighbor’s yard five days later. ‘I did it in three,’ boasted Jesus.”
Despite the fact that New England is still digging out from Juno, the storyline now is on how underwhelming the storm was in NJ/NY. So, yes, Boston, to the New York-centric media you are officially chopped liver.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Clinton jokes, facebook jokes, Florence Henderson, friends with benefits jokes, Janice Hough, Marshawn Lynch jokes, Super Bowl Jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
January 27, 2015
Once again, NJ & NY see proof why most meteorologists are men: They always overestimate inches. #Snowmageddon2015
–
Well, at least this over-hyped storm had one silver lining for New Yorkers: It cancelled the Knicks game.
–
And actually Juno did hit New England hard. But So the “Blizzard of the 2015” didn’t turn out to be quite as big a deal in New York and New Jersey as forecasters expected. Will they rename it “Geno?”
(or “Johnny Storm?”)
–
As the measles outbreak spreads, have to wonder, if there was a vaccine for Ebola, how many Americans would refuse to use it?
Wonder how many NFL people are longing for the days when the only balls in the bathroom controversy had to do with openly gay players.
–
If you go by $$ per minute, Marshawn Lynch’s 4 minutes and 51 seconds on Super Bowl media day might have been one of the best paid interviews of all time. “I’m just here so I won’t get fined.” Because he probably saved fines of at least $250,000.
–
Former NY Giants defensive coordinator Perry Fewell, interviewed to be the 49ers defensive backs coach. But he turned SF down and took the same position with Washington. How toxic an owner do you have to be to make Dan Snyder look good?
–
Bus to hell time. A Nashville jury has convicted two ex-Vanderbilt football players of raping a former student inside a dorm room. Wonder if both men now wish they’d gone to Florida State?
–
Sometimes all technology does is give people more power to embrace their idiocy. A 22 yr-old Texas man is in jail after he posted on FB, “So I have 16 warrants right now. Lol they know where I’m at tho, so it must not be TOO bad.” #cantfixstupid
–
New England CB Brandon Browner told ESPN “I’m going to tell my teammates to go hit (Sherman’s) elbow, go hit (Thomas’s) shoulder. Try to break it if you can.” But the NFL is okay with the comments, because Browner didn’t put it in terms of a bounty?
–
from T.C. “When Elin heard that Tom Brady was possibly cheating, she immediately sent Gisele that famous 9 iron.”
–
–
James Caan has filed for divorce from his wife for the third time in ten years. “Dude, make up your mind”, said Brett Favre.
–
Michelle Obama did not wear a headscarf Tuesday in Saudi Arabia, where local women must cover their heads. Over at FOX News heads must have exploded as they were all no doubt ready to complain that she didn’t show respect for Muslim customs….
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, 49ers jokes, blizzard jokes, deflate gate, Florida State jokes, Janice Hough, Jets jokes, juno jokes, measles jokes, Saudi Arabia jokes, snow jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
January 26, 2015
A small drone that crashed on the White House lawn this morning apparently belonged to a “government employee” who said was using it for fun when he lost control of the flying device. You know, they really need to find more to do for Joe Biden.
–
Why there is no satire. Incoming MLB commissioner Rob Manfred said he wants to “inject more offense into the game.” Uh, been there, done that. Got the asterisk on the t-shirt.
Patriots owner Robert Kraft said today if the NFL can’t definitely determine guilt in “Deflate-gate”, that the league owes the entire team an apology. Guess that sounds better than saying the NFL would owe New England congratulations on the cover-up.
–
Richard Sherman, who missed the Pro Bowl because his team has a game this weekend, has a gripe. “Only thing I’m disappointed about is that we didn’t get our gifts from the Pro Bowl. Which is kind of dumb.The NFL is only league that punishes the players who actually make the all-star game by not giving them the gift.”
Well, to be fair, Sherman only signed a 4 year $56 million extension with the Seahawks. Dude’s got to take care of his family.
–
Arizona man who was hired as “assistant frequency coordinator” for the Super Bowl was fired after he posted a Facebook picture of himself wearing the security ID (The NFL forbids this because of fears the ID’s could be copied.)
His response. “When I screw up…I do it good….. They say that the hardest words in the English language to say are ‘I’m wrong.’ Well…I’m wrong.” Give the guy credit, he’s manned up better than the Patriots.
–
Tom Brady this morning on a Boston radio show about “Deflate-gate,” said “my feelings got hurt.” “I feel so sorry for him,” said no one outside New England.
–
What took so long? Fox Sports reports that NFL has “zeroed in” on a Patriots locker room attendant who allegedly took balls before the Patriots-Colts from the officials’ locker room to another area on the way to the field. So was it Belichick or Brady who uttered the pre-game words “Who will rid me of this meddlesome air?
–
Odell Beckham Jr., he of the highlight reel catches, says that he was bothered by a hamstring this year and wasn’t at full strength all season. And a bunch of cornerbacks and safeties just threw up.
–
Disney Cruise Line has announced plans to bring “Frozen” to life for cruise passengers this summer on select sailings to Europe and Alaska, with characters and music from the film. And presumably well-iced martinis to help parents survive hearing “Let it Go” one more time.
–
KFC in the Philippines has a new menu item, the “Double Down Dog” sandwich. It features a cheese covered hot dog inside a bun-size piece of fried chicken. No word on if the “Double Down Dog” will ever be available in the U.S. Presumably KFC first needs to find a sponsoring team of cardiologists.
–
Travel bans in effect Monday night in NY.. #NYJets & #NYGiants have done their part by not having fans need to fly to #SuperBowl #blizzardof2015
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Biden jokes, Brady jokes, deflate gate, Deflategate joke, Frozen jokes, Janice Hough, MLB jokes, Patriots jokes, PED jokes, Sherman jokes, Super Bowl Jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
January 24, 2015
A new poll found that 1 in 4 U.S. citizens believe God plays a role in determining which team wins sports contests. The rest of us know it’s down to lucky charms, clothes, voodoo, etc.
–
Fed Ex announced they have delivered the Super Bowl Lombardi trophy to Arizona, where it is now on display. If the Patriots win will they put a little dent in the football?
–
The NFL has apparently warned that if Marshawn Lynch grabs his crotch again for a touchdown celebration, Seattle will be fined 15 yards. Wouldn’t it be simpler to just ask the Patriots to over-inflate the Seahawks’ footballs?
–
Well, at least Brandon Bostick has to be happy no one is talking anymore about his muffed catch of the #Seahawks onside kick.
–
Although just think, had the Seahawks kicked one of those Patriot balls, Bostick might have had an easier time catching it.
–
And if some ways really don’t get why Deflategate is still a story. Shouldn’t the Patriots have found some lowly equipment staffer willing to fall on his sword, or rather ball, and accept responsibility by now? Or are they still working out the details of the “retirement” payout?
–
Northern California’s Serra High School has been banned from post-season football for two years. Because their coach announced to their opponent, at noon on the day of a December playoff consolation game, that they were forfeiting and would not play, because he “couldn’t justify a single injured player.” So in other words, risks are fine if it’s about winning. But if the game doesn’t lead to a potential championship, there’s no point.
And this is the high school where Tom Brady played football. #lessonlearned
—
Lindsay Lohan is facing jail because she is behind on her community service. But the actress is claiming she hasn’t been able to put in the hours due to a virus she contracted while vacationing in Bora Bora. Wouldn’t it have been easier to claim measles from Disneyland?
–
The University of Alabama has announced that Lane Kiffin will be staying as offensive coordinator. Translation, either the SF 49ers wised up. Or didn’t offer Kiffin enough money.
Big sports news across the pond in England. BBC calling it maybe the biggest FA Cup shocker ever – Bradford City comes back from 2-0 down to beat Chelsea 4-2. And in the US people are going, “who’s Bradford, who’s Chelsea, and what the heck is the FA Cup?”
–
Great oldie but goodie line on a San Francisco bar coaster. “The early bird gets the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.” #notamorningperson
–
Sarah Palin now says she is “seriously interested” in running for President in 2016. This might be the first time Palin and “serious” have been used in the same sentence.
Ted Cruz today in Iowa. “There are 110,000 employees at the IRS. We need to padlock that building and put every one of those 110,000 on our southern border.’ What’s more ludicrous? The idea of putting all Americans on the honor system for taxes? Or putting 110,000 accountant types with guns on the Mexican border?
–
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Deflate-gate jokes, Deflategate, Disneyland jokes, FA Cup jokes, jancie hough, measles jokes, Palin jokes, Patriots jokes, Ted Cruz jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
January 19, 2015
So Brandon Bostick didn’t lose that game for the Packers all by himself. But when he let that onside kick go through his hands, the fat lady was so upset she dropped her sheet music.
–
The Seattle Seahawks deleted their MLK day tweet saying “We shall overcome” with an MLK quote about faith and a picture of a crying Russell Wilson. Good thing it wasn’t Easter…. wonder what they would have tweeted about resurrection.
So lots of potential bets on the Super Bowl. One of the more intriguing… what’s the over-under on the size of the fine the NFL will levy on Marshawn Lynch for not talking during media week?
–
Seattle police let Seahawks DE Michael Bennett commandeer one of their bicycles for a joy ride around the field after yesterday’s game. And somewhere Madison Bumgarner saw that and said, “Alright, next time no one’s telling ME I can’t ride a police horse in a parade.”
–
Happy MLK day. And a weird trivia apropos of nothing, well, except that it’s almost Spring Training. Had Martin Luther King lived, he would still be younger than Vin Scully.
–
A college intern working for the Cincinnati Bengals’ was arrested and is facing felony fraud charges after allegedly stealing more than 100 items, including shoes and other gear from the team’s locker room. The items were valued at a total of about $3,500. What an idiot. You’d think he’d at least work for a team where the stolen stuff would be worth more.
–
Chicago GM Ryan Pace called new coach John Fox “a game-changer” for the team. Cool, but it will take more than changing one-game to make the Bears a serious postseason contender in 2015.
–
Bud Selig this weekend in St. Louis, “I visit all 30 cities, and you are the best baseball city.” Now, Cardinals fans are great. But no respect for the city that has sold out every game for the past three years? (San Francisco)
–
The measles outbreak that started at Disneyland over the holidays is now up to at least 51 cases in California, a few other states, and Mexico. And it is expected to get much worse. The L.A.Times reports “the wealthy area of southern Orange County has particularly low vaccination levels among kindergartners compared to the state average.” #Moneycantfixstupid
–
Pope Francis, who has come out against artificial birth control, did just say. “Some people think that – excuse my expression here – that in order to be good Catholics we have to be like rabbits.” and added that he knew many ways allowed by the Church to limit family size. Right. Brings to mind the old joke, “What do you call people who practice the rhythm method?” “Parents.”
–
A new poll shows President Obama’s approval rating back up to 50%. Makes sense. The economy is getting better. And maybe Americans are starting to look ahead to the alternatives.
–
Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal today reiterated his claim that Muslim immigrants have created “no-go zones” in Europe where non-Muslims are not welcome. Although he can’t name one such zone. Apparently Jindal’s prior comment that the GOP must “stop being the stupid party” doesn’t extend to pesky things like facts.
–
Okay, Billy Crystal has been taking heat for saying he thought some gay sex scenes on TV went “a little too far. ” But it’s gotten less attention when he added “What I meant was that whenever sex or graphic nudity of any kind (gay or straight) is gratuitous to the plot or story, it becomes a little too much for my taste.” Actually agree with him. Hard to believe it was scandalous when I was a kid that Mike and Carol Brady shared a bed.
–
–
Here we go again. In Missouri a 9-month-old boy has died after being shot in the head by his 5-year-old brother. Stand by for the NRA campaign to arm babies at birth.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Bostick jokes, Janice Hough, Jindal jokes, Lynch jokes, NFL jokes, Pope jokes, Seahawks jokes, Super Bowl Jokes, vaccine jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
January 15, 2015
Rex Ryan, in his introductory press conference as coach of the Buffalo Bills, told fans “it’s been 15 years” since the playoffs. “Well, get ready. We’re going.” So does Rex have a special contact to help with tickets?
Less than enthusiastic reaction for a potential third run: “If Mitt Romney is the answer, what is the question? And “Romney is a man of admirable personal character, but his political profile is, well, protean.” This from an editorial in that wacky leftist publication, the Wall Street Journal.
–
Actor Jeff Goldblum, 62, will become a first-time dad, as his wife, Emilie Livingston, 31, is pregnant. These things do make some sense, the baby’s feedings should coincide nicely with Goldblum’s middle of the night bathroom runs.
–
Why there is no satire. Ted Cruz has been named chair of the House Subcommittee on “Space, Science and Competitiveness.” Having Ted Cruz chair a Science committee is like having Bill Clinton chair a committee on Abstinence.
–
Oregon’s #MarcusMariota has declared for the draft. Good news for #NFL teams, and for the rest of the #Pac12 .
–
Ah, who says the San Antonio Spurs aren’t a wild and crazy bunch. Why, they visited the White House today, and Tim Duncan showed up WITHOUT A TIE.
–
A South Carolina mother reported her son missing this week. She last saw him in June 1995 when he went “to follow the Grateful Dead.” Sounds like the son wasn’t the only “Dead Head” in the family.
–
Rosie Perez is out as co-host of “The View.”. Wow, “The View” is still on?
–
Two men have become the first in history to reach the top of El Capitan’s Dawn Wall without bolts or climbing tools. It took them over two weeks. A lot of men read this and think “Awesome.” And a lot of women think “Why?”
–
The SF 49ers will apparently hire defensive line coach Jim Tomsula as their new coach, over a host of other candidates including defensive coordinator Vic Fangio, who has been Tomsula’s superior. Looks like the circus is coming to town early this year.
–
So two questions on the 49ers hiring Jim Tomsula as head coach: How many years is the contract. And how many years into the contract will this new Jim coach until he and the team “decide to go in different directions?”
–
So a new marijuana spray will be on sale in Colorado this week, that claims to help women have better sex. Well, maybe, or maybe the sex stays mediocre but women then eat enough chocolate that they don’t care.
Alternative Monday headline “Obama blows off Cybersecurity Summit preparation for expensive and disruptive selfie opportunity in Paris.” Which is of course what Fox News would have written had the President taken Air Force One and his massive security detail to France for the Unity march this weekend.
–
From Marc Ragovin “Several NY TV stations are not showing the cover of the current issue of Charlie Hebdo, citing their policies of not airing material that some viewers might find offensive. And yet they continue to show Knicks’ games highlights.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, Charlie Hebdo jokes, Janice Hough, marijuana jokes, Rex Ryan jokes, Romney jokes, Ted Cruz jokes, tomsula jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
January 13, 2015
Maybe it was the white uniforms? #Itsnoteasynotbeinggreen?
–
Ohio State beat Oregon handily, despite a steady stream of turnovers. Good thing the National championship trophy has been changed from crystal to metal, in case the Buckeyes drop it.
–
Okay, the question of the night. How did Ohio State lose, to Virginia Tech, by 14, at home? (35-21)
–
At least Children in Africa should be getting some really colorful “#Oregon National Championship” shirts later this week.
–
Lots of experts opining pre-game on whether Oregon or Ohio State would win the national championship tonight. Of course, most of these experts predicted the game would be between Florida State and Alabama.
Who’d a thunk it? The happiest and most productive recent Heisman winner in this postseason might well be Tim Tebow. #NationalChampionship
–
Wonder if suspended #OregonDucks players might be planning a party to console teammates when they get home? #brownies? #CFBChampionship
–
Once again, a big game ended after midnight on the East Coast. No complaints out in California, but pretty clear ESPN and NCAA don’t really give a damn about anyone who has work or school tomorrow
–
Yesterday was the 14th annual “No Pants Subway Ride” day in New York City. And presumably today is the 14th annual “Celebrate Handi Wipes” day.
–
Sad news from Texas. Two people who entered a pen containing two female camels and a male camel in rut were trampled to death this weekend by the male camel. Rut ro.
A Disney Cruise ship rescued a Royal Caribbean passenger who fell overboard off the coast of Mexico. Of course, after hearing “Let it Go” for the 100th time, the man probably had to be restrained by Disney crew from jumping back over the rails.
–
Ted Cruz is the latest to jump on the “We needed to show more solidarity with France by being at the rally” bandwagon, and he wrote an op-ed about it for Time. Feel that strongly about it, Senator? Post some of those Charlie Hebdo cartoons on your website.
–
Bills owner Terry Pegula said that new coach Rex Ryan is “the best fit for our team,” Cue the Cinderella shoe/foot jokes….
–
Gavin Newsom says he won’t run for Barbara Boxer’s Senate seat in 2016. Translation, he’s running for Governor in 2018.
–
A woman from Seneca Falls, New York was arrested last November for DUI with a blood alcohol level of .26. And apparently she had been drinking… vanilla extract. Which is .41% alcohol. And millions of teenagers are thinking “you can do that?”
–
Okay, we’re all about free speech these days, even when we think it’s obnoxious. Well, kinda sorta. Apparently Margaret Cho’s North Korean general portrayal on the Golden Globes has already generated outrage. (And she is Korean-American). Personally, I thought it was funny. But we can not “suis Charlie” if we can’t also at times “suis” un-PC..
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: cruise jokes, golden globes jokes, Janice Hough, national championship jokes, No Pants Subway jokes, Oregon jokes, OSU jokes, Texas jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
January 12, 2015
Tina Fey at the Golden Globes: “George Clooney married Amal Alamuddin this year. Amal is a human rights lawyer who worked on the Enron case, was an advisor to Kofi Annan regarding Syria and was selected for a three-person UN commission investigating rules of war violations in the Gaza strip. So tonight, her husband is getting a lifetime achievement award.”
Hey, I thought Amal WAS Clooney’s lifetime achievement award.
—
With #jesuisCharlie trending, it’s the first time most Americans have learned a French phrase since Lady Marmalade and #voulezvouscouchezavecmoi.
–
Aaron Rodgers was calling “New York Bozo” at the line during the Green Bay -Dallas game. Silly man. Chris Christie is from New Jersey.
–
Cowboys fans are still upset about the refs overturning Dez Bryant’s catch. Understandable. It might have been the most controversial reversed NFL call in the past… week.
And who knows, some Dallas fans were perhaps unhappy to discover that paying off referees left then open in future to a higher bidder.
–
So now that the #Cowboys have lost, Chris Christie can stop ignoring New Jersey on weekends for football and get back to ignoring the state for the important business of running for President.
–
Although if I’m a referee from today’s Green Bay – Dallas game, I maybe allow a little extra time for future bridge crossings.
–
A second Ducks star has been suspended for smoking pot. So who knew the NCAA national championship could come down to Oregon legalizing marijuana before Ohio?
–
Rex Ryan is going to coach the Buffalo Bills. The NY Daily reports that he preferred the Falcons, but Atlanta was ‘dragging their feet’ on the process. And we all know how Rex feels about feet.
The 49ers’ offensive coordinator Greg Roman is apparently leaving to follow Rex Ryan to the Bills. So just how toxic does owner Jed York have to be to make moving to Buffalo an upgrade over staying in San Francisco?
–
Rutgers just upset #4 Wisconsin in college basketball. Which means Chris Christie should be happy. Except that since he apparently started rooting for the #Cowboys when local teams s*cked, Christie probably cheers for Kentucky or Arizona.
–
All aboard the bus to hell. Who knew it would be more dangerous to attend a Chris Brown concert than a Paris anti-terror rally?
FOX News etc criticizing President Obama for only sending U.S. Ambassador to France Jane Hartley to the Unity rally in Paris. Uh, Obama also didn’t forbid any members of Congress from going over to join the rally.
–
My friend Gib. W. says “Fox was just upset because they’d already worked up a chart on the cost of Obama going.”
–
Most of these women on the #GoldenGlobes look like they spent a lot of time and effort to have smooth faces that look like they came from the same doll mold. #Plasticisntsexy
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bills jokes, Chris Christie jokes, Clooney jokes, Cowboys jokes, Green Bay jokes, Janice Hough, jesuischarlie jokes, Oregon jokes, playoff jokes, refs jokes
Comments: 5 Comments
January 9, 2015
The president of a U.S. group known as the Catholic league, Bill Donohue, yesterday issued a statement titled “Muslims are right to be angry.” Saying that Charlie Hedbo had “provoked” terrorists, and had their editor “not been so narcissistic, he may still be alive.”
Of course, Donohue may feel that he has the moral high ground, because Catholics have never murdered anyone they felt didn’t respect their religion. #nobodyexpectsthespanishinquisition
Just thinking, it’s a good thing females in general have a sense of humor, and are not likely to turn into crazy, vengeful mass murderers. Because the depiction of women at times in the media would have resulted in a whole lot more dead men.
–
Donald Trump took to Twitter after the Charlie Hedbo massacre to say “If the people shot down in Paris had guns at least they would have had a fighting chance” and the old “when guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.” Right, because in the US with our liberal gun laws we never have mass shootings….
–
Senator Barbara Boxer says she will retire and not seek re-election in 2016. That stampeding sound you’re about to hear is about 100 politicians in California rushing to congratulate Boxer on her service, at the same time saying why they should have her seat.
–
Curt Schilling, who was not elected to the Hall of Fame this year, suggested that it might be because “I know that as a Republican that there’s some people that really don’t like that.” Has someone given this man a post-career test for concussions?
–
Just because the season is over, doesn’t mean the fun has stopped for Chicago Bears fans: CB Jennings was arrested for DUI and speeding (99 in a 65 zone) yesterday. At 12noon. On his way to a parent-teacher conference. #cantfixstupid
–
Seahawks RB Marshawn Lynch lost his appeal for his $100,000 fine for not speaking to the media. Wonder how much the NFL will fine Lynch for responding “no comment” to the decision.
–
J.C.Penney announced they will close 40 stores. J.C.Penney still has stores?
–
Former FBI Director Robert Mueller released a report saying there was ” no evidence that anyone at the NFL saw the Ray Rice elevator video before it was made public. So wonder whose luxury box Mueller will be in for the next several Super Bowls?
–
Boston beat out San Francisco as the U.S representative amongst bids to host the 2024 Olympic Games. So they have the Olympic bid and Pablo Sandoval. Wonder which one will give Boston buyer’s remorse first?
–
Three days after appearing together live on the premiere of this season’s “The Bachelor,”, last season’s “Bachelorette” Andi Dorfman and Josh Murray announced they have ended their engagement. Go$h, what rea$on$ would they have had for $taying together until the fir$t epi$ode?
–
Bus, or rather, truck to hell from Alex Kaseberg: “In Michigan, a family of four rear-ended a truck and then their mini-van was dragged by the truck for 16 miles by the oblivious truck driver. On the bright side, their gas mileage for that trip was outstanding.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Charlie Hedbo jokes, hall of fame jokes, Janice Hough, Marshawn Lynch jokes, Mueller report jokes, NFL jokes, terrorist jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
January 7, 2015
Such horrible news out of France with Charlie Hebdo. And over cartoons? I don’t care what religion you are, I’ll take the bus to hell any day over people who believe in a God with no sense of humor.
–
This picture from a gathering in France in support of Charlie Hebdo – guess it’s time to give the French surrender jokes a rest for a while:
w
–
And back on the bus to hell.
A TLC new show titled “My Husband’s Not Gay” will focus on four men who admit to being attracted to men, but are married to women. Wonder if the show will be narrated by Michele Bachmann?
–
#JameisWinston will apparently declare for the NFL draft. With luck he’ll be drafted by the NY Jets. #Iloveagoodcircus
The #NYKnicks have lost their 13th game in a row and are 5-33. Rather shocking. How did they ever win 5 games?
The Detroit Pistons have won seven games in a row since they released Josh Smith, who was in year 2 of a 4 year, $54 million contract. Wonder how many more games the Philadelphia 76ers could win if they released the entire team?
–
#StLouis leaders say the #Rams officials are not returning their calls. I think this is now #NFL version of “He’s just not that into you.”
–
Jerry Jones, on why he had Chris Christie in his box “Whenever I can get around important or exciting people, I want to do it…I’ve got a nice little list of sitting with some pretty big winners at some of these key games.. I knew Nelson Mandela, I got to sit with him, and took him to the dressing room, and you can imagine how the players went crazy and coaches, just to meet Nelson Mandela.”
Yeah, when I think of people to compare to Nelson Mandela, Chris Christie comes right to mind.
–
Justin Bieber is the new “face” of Calvin Klein. Well, that ought to help the brand with Bieber’s adult fans, both of them..
–
Ah, here we go. Potential liberal on liberal violence ahead. Or at least a war of words. A judge today struck down California’s foie gras ban.
A least nine cases of measles have been reported with children visiting Disneyland and California Adventure over the holidays. Wonder how many of the idiots who didn’t vaccinate their kids were screaming last year that the U.S. should have done more to protect them from Ebola.
–
Father of the year award: Police were called to a party near San Diego, where they found about 200 teenagers drinking alcohol, and girls dressed in Playboy bunny outfits. It was a birthday party for an 18 year old girl. hosted by her dad.
–
The fun is starting early in the House. After saying months ago he would not retaliate against dissenters, John Boehner kicked two Republicans who voted against him for Speaker off the House Rules Committee. One said it was “something I would assume Vladimir Putin would do.”
And somewhere, President Obama is giggling.
–
From Marc Ragovin: “Responding to his critics, Chris Christie said that he has always been a Cowboys fan and that he did not just jump on the bandwagon. “Thank god,” said the bandwagon.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: cartoon jokes, Charlie Hebdo jokes, Chris Christie jokes, Cowboys jokes, foie gras jokes, Janice Hough, Jerry Jones jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
January 6, 2015
Okay, Randy Johnson was elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame after earning votes of 97.3% of the writers. The real news of the day:. Who are the idiots who didn’t think the Big Unit was good enough?
–
Not that I am equating the two, so hold the hater comments. But the people who insist there were no PED users in MLB before Bonds and company are about as realistic as those who insist there are no gay men in MLB, or the NFL or NBA…..
–
Great, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones wants Chris Christie at Lambeau Field for the Dallas-Green Bay game Sunday, saying “He’s part of our mojo. I want him there all the way. I’ll tell you, if he’s got enough mojo to pull this thing out, he ought to be looked at as President of the United States.”
Uh, my cat might have proven her voodoo powers with the SFGiants World Series win in 2014, but that doesn’t mean she should be President.
–
Clearly I am not a coffee snob. I hear all the talk about “flat whites” and think it’s the Carnac answer to “What happens when Chris Christie jumps on people in the Cowboys’ luxury box?”
Bus to hell time, again. So former SF Giants All-Star Stu Miller died just as they are about to implode Candlestick Park. Talk about the potential for scattered ashes.
–
Novelist and screenwriter Nicholas Sparks and his wife are ending their marriage of 25 years.. So assume he will turn the divorce into a soppy story and movie to pay alimony?
–
Adam Vinatieri, 42, was randomly drug-tested after Sunday’s game, when he made a 53 yard field goal. Fortunately the Colts kicker no doubt travels with the list of approved drugs he gets through Medicare.
–
Former Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell has been sentenced to two years in prison for his 11 convictions on public corruption charges. So sounds like he’ll be out in plenty of time to run for mayor of D.C. or any office in Louisiana.
–
The GOP-led House voted to keep John Boehner as speaker, despite challenges from Reps. Louie Gohmert of Texas and Ted Yoho of Florida. #wearecrazybutnotthatcrazy
O.J. Simpson’s Heisman Trophy, which was stolen in a 1994 USC burglary, has just been recovered. O.J. has immediately petitioned for parole so he can hunt for the real burglars.
–
From Bill Littlejohn, “The upcoming NCAA football championship will feature Pac-12’s Oregon vs. Big Ten’s Ohio State in a (former) Rose Bowl matchup. Shouldn’t they move it to Pasadena, Texas?”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: baseball jokes, Chris Christie jokes, Cowboys jokes, flat white jokes, hall of fame jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, pass interference jokes, PED jokes, playoff jokes, Vinatieri jokes
Comments: 10 Comments
January 6, 2015
TMZ reports that Johnny Manziel flipped off hecklers at a Houston club this weekend, and they responded by throwing drinks at him. Then the Cleveland rookie QB presumably tried to throw a drink back… but it was intercepted.
–
Both the Buckeyes and Ducks are wearing new uniforms for the Championship game next Monday, thanks to Nike. The company is paying Oregon $600,000 in cash and $2.2 million equipment allowance this year. And they are giving Ohio State $1.5 million in cash and $2.5 million in equipment. But heaven forbid a booster buy one of the players dinner.
–
New Orleans LB linebacker Junior Galette has been arrested on a domestic violence charge. Few details yet, but expect Galette will plead not guilty. After all he’s a Saints defender, they don’t hit anybody.
–
A unnamed member of the Ferguson grand jury that didn’t indict police officer Darrell Wilson for shooting Michael Brown has filed a lawsuit to remove a lifetime gag order about the case. Translation, someone wants a book deal.
–
Olivia Newton-John and Grease co-star Didi Conn (Frenchie) reunited for a performance in Las Vegas this week. Only now they were both singing “You might be the One That I Want, if I could remember.”
–
Apparently after Kanye West and Paul McCartney collaborated on a single, some of West’s fans tweeted “Who is Paul McCartney?” Won’t be too many years before music fans will ask “Who is Kanye West?”
–
Former Giants’ pitcher Stu Miller has died at the age of 87. There will be no pallbearers at his funeral, instead, his casket will just be placed on a mound and blown into the grave.
–
–
People will be talking about that pass interference reversal for decades, especially if the Cowboys go further in the playoffs. But whether it was the right call or not, does anyone think there was a snowball’s chance in hell a flag would have been picked up if it were on a Lions defender during Dallas’s last drive?
My friend Trevor commented, “Odd, Lions usually have no problem with the Zebras…”
Detroit Lions coach Jim Caldwell said the pass interference penalty that was taken away was “hard to swallow.” Agree with him, but also hard to swallow when you choke with a 4th and 1 AND a 10 yard punt.
–
Chris Christie was shown celebrating yesterday in Jerry Jones’ box. But he missed on a high five with Jones. Either that or the Dallas Cowboys’ owner was just trying to stay out of the way of a offensive lineman sized hit.
–
Oil has fallen below $50 a barrel. So no doubt the airlines will be lowering fuel surcharges that in some cases are more than the cost of the fare itself. At the same time they start putting pigs on board every flight.
Got to give #TheBachelor credit. One episode is enough to make many people question why they ever wanted to defend heterosexual marriage.
–
Jeb Bush said yesterday that gay marriage should be “a state decision.” Right, like driver’s licenses for illegal immigrants, abortion and legalized marijuana
–
Two police officers were shot tonight in the Bronx. But fortunately reports are neither sustained life-threatening injuries. Also fortunately, reports are neither of the suspects is black.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Chris Christie jokes, college playoff jokes, Dallas Cowboys jokes, Janice Hough, Manziel jokes, pass interference jokes, referee jokes, The Bachelor jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
December 29, 2014
Many SF 49ers fans were disappointed with this season, and now they won’t have Jim Harbaugh to kick around anymore. So soon the team can go back to the halcyon days of Mike Singletary and Mike Nolan.
–
Statement from the SF 49ers: “Jim and I have come to the conclusion that it is in our mutual best interest to move in different directions.” Well, it sounds better than “conscious uncoupling.”
–
There will be a lot of changes for Jim Harbaugh as he returns to the coaching ranks. For starters, at Michigan he’s going to have to figure out something warmer (and blue-er) than his regular long-sleeved black shirt.
–
More than 100 people gathered in Times Square today for the eighth annual Good Riddance Day. Where attendees used a shredder and mallet to get rid of bad memories. Wonder how many showed up with NY Giants and Jets stuff?
–
Apparently a contributing factor, if not the reason, for Josh Gordon’s suspension, was a party Johnny Manziel threw Friday night. (Gordon was then AWOL for the team’s Saturday walk-through.) Who says Johnny Football isn’t a leader already?
Cleveland owner Jimmy Haslam said some of the Browns’ young players have “disrespected” the team. “We’re going to work with them — hopefully they grow up. But if they can’t grow up and they can’t be responsible to the their teammates and the coaches and our great fans, then they won’t be with the Cleveland Browns.” So anyone want to take the first guess in the “Johnny Manziel trade date” pool?
–
This weekend police were called and arrests were made over fights in food courts at three separate malls, Arden Fair in Sacramento, Chicago Ridge Mall in Illinois and Opry Mills in Nashville. So what the heck are those food courts serving?
–
How up-to-date is Al-Qaeda? Their most recent magazine, released last week, called for individual jihadists to bomb Western carriers. Including United Airlines, American, Delta, and Continental.
Headline on Foxnews.com “Attention: Dish has blocked Fox News. Switch TV providers now. ” Hmm…. So how long until Dish starts using that headline as an ad on Msnbc.com and Huffington Post etc?
–
No real surprise at this point, Jeb Bush leads a new GOP presidential poll with 23%. Christie is second at 13% and Ben Carson has 7%. I think I speak for many Americans when I say about Carson – “Who?”
–
So the NFL is running their ad “Domestic violence and sexual assault are tough for everyone to talk about” in game with Ben Rothlisberger leading Steelers into playoffs #irony
–
From T.C. “I just hacked into Sony Pictures computers and found a movie to be released on Monday. It’s about NFL coaching brothers Rex and Rob called “Saving Ryan’s Privates”.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, Browns jokes, Harbaugh jokes, Janice Hough, Jets jokes, Manziel jokes, Michigan joke, NFL jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
December 18, 2014
Chicago Bears safety Chris Conte said he ‘would rather have the experience of playing and, who knows, die 10, 15 years earlier than not be able to play in the NFL and live a long life.” Many fans who watched MNF this week hope the Bears grant Conte’s wish and trade him to an NFL team.
Of course in this country you are innocent until proven guilty. But Ray McDonald, released by the SF 49ers this morning, may be this year’s NFL winner of the “Worst handing of a second chance” award.
–
The Orioles’ Chris Davis, suspended last year for 25 games for Adderall, now has a prescription for the drug. According to the Baltimore Sun, 112 exemptions were issued for ADHD in 2014. Out of 750 MLB players. And the percentage of US adults with ADHD? About 4%. #nocomment
–
The USA & Cuba have apparently agreed to re-establish diplomatic relations. While tourist travel will still be limited to “educational activities,” government and family trips, Americans will be allowed to return with up to $400 of goods from Cuba. Many Cuban-Americans are upset. Many other Americans are wondering where they can buy cigars.
–
So will the first American ambassador to #Cuba be Arnold Schwarzenegger? Or Bill Clinton?
Well, that didn’t take long. Marco Rubio is already attacking President Obama’s decision to start normalizing relations with Cuba: “It’s absurd and it’s part of a long record of coddling dictators and tyrants that this administration has established” Surprised Rubio didn’t follow that with “and if I’m elected President, I promise to only coddle leaders in places like Saudi Arabia.”
–
Well, at least #HunterPence won’t be the only character left in the #SFGiants clubhouse next year. #SergioRomo has re-signed with the team.
–
Romo’s contract is for 2 years, $15 million. Which means the #SFGiants are still paying him less in 2015 than the #Dodgers are paying #BrianWilson
Really? Prince William is taking a bit of heat in the British press for saying to a young hairdressing trainee that maybe she “could help out with Kate’s hair, because it’s such a nightmare.” Uh, what woman doesn’t think her hair is a nightmare?
–
The University of Michigan has offered Jim Harbaugh a 6 year $48 million contract to be their football coach. So given Harbaugh’s record both of success and getting along with people, this should work out to about $12-16 million a year.
Sources have told the U.S. that North Korea hacked SONY. Shocking. Who knew North Korea was actually capable of hacking anybody?
Okay, I know I’m cynical… but have to wonder. Is “The Interview” movie bad enough that cancelling its premiere weekend just saves Sony the embarrassment of a flop. (And stimulates enough curiosity for later viewings and DVD sales?)
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Bears jokes, Cuba jokes, Harbaugh jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, North Korea jokes, PED jokes, SFGiants jokes. baseball jokes, Sony jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
December 8, 2014
The Browns may start Johnny Manziel at QB Sunday over Brian Hoyer against Cincinnati. Makes some sense. If Cleveland can’t make the playoffs, they’ll be at least more likely to make ESPN headlines.
William and Kate are on their first visit to New York City. Wonder if the Prince at some point has leaned over to his wife and whispered “Thank God this all isn’t our problem anymore.”
–
Damn. Apparently a security guard was shot and seriously wounded during an post-game argument between 49ers and Raiders fans outside a San Jose bar. Well, it’s a good thing for public safety neither team’s fans will have anything to argue about during the playoffs.
–
Well, all he did was basically show you can win a World Series with one starting pitcher. Even if he didn’t get a hit himself. Congrats Madison Bumgarner, Sports Illustrated’s Sportsman of the Year.
–
At time of posting, reportedly Jon Lester is deciding between offers from the Chicago Cubs and the SF Giants. Wonder if the Giants would do something dastardly, like sending Lester videos of games when the wind is blowing out at Wrigley Field?
34 years ago tonight was really the day “the music died”, as John Lennon was fatally shot in New York. Harder to believe for many of us, people who were born after Lennon’s murder, are old enough to have children who know the Beatles music. #Timeswingedchariot
–
After Oakland’s upset 23-14 win over SF, Raiders LB Sio Moore took to Instagram to refer to Colin Kaepernick as a “Freakin chump.” Not a huge Kap fan, but maybe Moore should be a little more restrained with his trash talking, considering his team is still 2-11.
–
Not that I’m generally a soccer fan, but congratulations to the LA Galaxy on winning the MLS Cup. Guess having Robbie Rogers, who is openly gay, on the team, didn’t hurt the locker room too much.
A massive fire in a residential complex under construction basically shut down the 101 and 110 in Los Angeles Monday morning. So for commuters on those freeways it was basically a Monday commute as usual.
–
Ralph Baer,,92, who invented the world’s first video game console, has died. In his honor, mourners at his funeral will spend the entire service playing on their smartphones.
–
Baylor coach Art Briles is complaining about no Big 12 team in the College Football Playoff. And five power conferences, four playoff teams was always going to be a problem. But just maybe the Bears might want to up their non-conference schedule from Buffalo, SMU and Northwestern State. (The NY Jets might be available.)
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, college football jokes, Giants jokes, Janice Hough, Jets jokes, playoff jokes, Raiders jokes, William and Kate jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
December 4, 2014
100 brains were missing from the University of Texas. Does this even need a punchline?
The Philadelphia 76ers actually won a game tonight, making them 1-17. If they keep improving, the team might have a chance of being favored against Kentucky.
–
A Hawaii football announcer has apologized for referring to Fresno as the “armpit of America.” As well he should have. Everyone knows that’s New Jersey.
–
#Stayclassy Sarah Palin posted a picture on her FB page this weekend of President Obama captioned “I am signing a new executive order replacing the world ‘looting’ with ‘undocumented shopping.'”
Of course, Palin believes rioting should be confined to important things, like her family attending birthday parties.
–
UAB says they are shutting down their football program for “the greater good.” And Raiders fans are thinking “You can do that?”
–
In California, it’s amazing how short the distance is between “We need month-long storms to get us out of this drought” and “Will this rain ever stop?”
–
Gloria Allred has a press conference Wednesday with three women who have accused Bill Cosby of sexual assault. So congratulations to everyone who had December 3 in the pool.
–
The FSU student conduct code hearing over sexual assault allegations against Jameis Winston ended today without the QB testifying. A decision is expected in 2-3 weeks. Or more likely the day after the Seminoles’ last playoff game.
–
Several baggage handlers at JFK Airport have been charged with stealing jewelry and electronic items from checked bags over the past two years. Including Apple iPhones, laptops, and a 2 carat pair of diamond earrings. Glad they caught them, but who put iPhones, laptops and diamond earrings in their checked luggage?
–
Ted Cruz wants to shut down the U.S. Government on Dec 11 over President Obama’s actions on immigration. Giving Mitch McConnell and John Boehner just a bit of a glimpse of 2015 when it’s their circus and their monkeys.
–
The Chicago Blackhawks’ goalie Corey Crawford will miss at least two to three weeks because he said he fell at a concert. In related news the SF Giants have forbidden Jeremy Affeldt from going to concerts.
–
So much for all those who said that video of what happened between Darren Wilson and Michael Brown would have made a difference. #StatenIsland #EricGarner
–
Late night thoughts on Staten Island. Look, I understand some people use any excuse for a riot and looting – including a sports win or loss. I also understand that some people on both sides like to overly politicize a single event. But does ANYONE doubt that if those cops had put a choke hold on some preppy white smart-ass asthmatic kid selling cigarettes or joints, and he had died, that the cops would have been indicted, or in jail, by now?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: 76ers jokes, FSU jokes, Gloria Allred jokes, Janice Hough, Palin jokes, Ted Cruz jokes, Texas jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
November 10, 2014
Ted Cruz tweeted “‘Net Neutrality'” is Obamacare for the Internet; the Internet should not operate at the speed of government.” Can’t wait for Cruz to decry this year’s Thanksgiving Turkey pardon as Obamacare for birds.
AT&T announced they have abandoned their announced plan to create an air-to-ground 4G network to improve Wi-Fi service on airplanes. Maybe because the phone company figured if there was one industry they could partner with that could actually LOWER their reputation it’s the airline industry.
–
A video has gone viral of Denver backup QB Brock Osweiler’s frustration when Peyton Manning’s went back in the game against the Bears up 41-10. No doubt Broncos fans find it funny, since Manning didn’t end up with an injury like Carson Palmer.
–
Carson Palmer tore his ACL Sunday and is out for the season, 2 days after signing a 3-year contract extension. The Cardinals QB tore his ACL once before, in Dec, 2005, 10 days after signing a 6-year contract extension. Think next time Arizona offers Palmer an extension maybe he needs to “just say no.”
The Carolina Panthers tried Monday night to do their best Chicago Bears imitation.
ESPN Monday Night Football sign off -“Good night, from Philadelphia.” Directed to all those who tuned in hoping to see Sportscenter. And both fans who were still watching the game
–
Meanwhile, the Carolina Panthers remain alive in the playoff hunt. Wonder if this year’s #NFCSouth champion might be good enough to get into the college football playoff.
–
After Kentucky crushed Georgetown College in a pre season college men’s baseketball game, Tigers coach Chris Briggs called the Wildcats an NBA playoff team. John Calipari’s tweet response- “I hear Coach Briggs got excited after the game last night. Let me be clear: If we played ANY NBA team, we would get buried. ANY.”
Uh, well maybe not the 76ers.
–
Tampa Bay rookie Austin Seferian-Jenkins apologized today for his “Captain Morgan” pose touchdown celebration Sunday that he both drew a penalty for, and posted on Instagram. In Seferian-Jenkins’ defense, being on the 1-8 Buccaneers, he doesn’t have much experience with touchdown celebrations.
–
Cubs GM Theo Epstein, on an MLB investigation of Chicago’s possibly talking to new manager Joe Maddon while he was still under contract to Tampa Bay: “There was absolutely no tampering whatsoever.” I think I like “Wait until next year” better.
–
A Montanta white supremacist, John Abarr, is attempting to start a branch of the Ku Klux Klan dubbed the “Rocky Mountain Knights,” which will allow African -Americans, Jews, homosexuals and those of Hispanic origin. The “new Klan” members wlll have to wear the white robes, masks, conical hats and take part in rituals….And presumably have to fail an IQ test.
–
President Obama voiced strong support for “Net neutrality.” Waiting for Sarah Palin to chime in and complain that the government shouldn’t get involved in the fishing industry.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, Bears jokes, Cubs jokes, Janice Hough, MNF jokes, NFC South jokes, Panthers jokes, Ted Cruz jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
Left Coast Sports Babe 