Archive for the ‘baseball jokes’ category
October 21, 2014
Really good of #JoeBuck to educate us repeatedly on how the #SFGiants are without #AngelPagan, a vital part of their team. #WorldSeries
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A few weeks after Matt Cain’s perfect game in 2012 I got upgraded on a plane and seated next to Karl Ravech. Told him that as impressive as Cain was, along with Cy Young winner Lincecum, I didn’t think either of them would end up being the best of the Giants’ current pitchers. Might not have been my worst hunch ever. #Madbum.
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Really a shame #WorldSeries game 1 is in an American League park. #Madbum is probably upset that he hasn’t had a chance to bat. #SFGiants
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And we thought Jeter was precocious? #MadisonBumgarner turned 25 on Aug 1. he is pitching in his third #WorldSeries. #SFGiants
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Is #BusterPosey trying to set a record for being thrown out at home in the postseason?
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The Kansas City Royals are a great story. But as to the die-hard long-suffering fan narrative? The team ranked 25th in attendance this year. 25th. #bandwagon #Worldseries
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Dallas has waived #MichaelSam from their practice squad. Well, at least I can go back to hating the #Cowboys again.
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Taylor Swift is now doing marketing promos for Subway. How long until she breaks off the partnership and writes a song about it for Quiznos?
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Anthony Weiner told Politico that his career in politics “is probably over.”‘ What was his first clue?
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Tim Tebow, on the woeful Florida Gators: “One of the biggest problems on the offense is leadership.” And fans are thinking “What leadership?”
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In Florida, there’s a lot of voting by mail. One contentious issue this year is “Amendment 2,” which would legalize medical marijuana. It’s expected to be close — advocates are just hoping many supporters send their ballots back BEFORE the election.
(as my friend Jim M.. says “Dude, where’s my vote?”)
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Oscar Pistorius was sentenced to five years for killing his girlfriend. Under South African law, after 10 months, 1/6 of his sentence, he can ask for house arrest. When all this is over wonder Oscar’s friends have warned him not to come to the U.S. and steal any of his memorabilia…
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Love it. Rwanda’s Ministry of Health will screen all visitors who have been in the United States or Spain 22 days before arrival. Travelers will have their temperatures taken and anyone with a fever will be denied entry; others will have to report their health daily. Maybe to be safe the rest of the world should start quarantining Texans?
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Legendary Washington Post editor Ben Bradlee, 93, has died. For the younger generation, yes, there was a time when people actually got their news from newspapers, and when we were shocked that politicians really were crooks,
Had Renee Zellwegger had her work done during the filming of Jerry Maguire, the movie might have ended, “Hello, I’m looking for my wife…. Uh, who the hell are you?”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Florida jokes, Janice Hough, Joe Buck jokes, Michael Sam jokes, Renee Zellwegger jokes, Royals jokes, SFGiants jokes, World Series jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
October 20, 2014
Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly is still complaining about the pass interference call against his team, basically over an illegal “pick play” that sealed FSU’s win Saturday night. Can we start referring to this as a “sacramental whine?”
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There are reports that Bruce Jenner is dating Kris Jenner’s good friend Ronda Kamihira. Kris is reportedly shocked, she didn’t realize Ronda was a lesbian.
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Monica Lewinsky, speaking at the “Forbes’ Under 30 Summit”” against cyber-bullying – “Sixteen years ago, fresh out of college…I fell in love with my boss.” Well, yeah, cyber-bullying is awful. And poor girl, she had no way to know her boss was married…..
Oscar de la Renta has died at the age of 82. Most women are thinking, “Sad, it’s the end of an era.” Most men are thinking “What team did he play for?”
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After Peyton Manning’s 509th TD pass, Broncos receivers played “keep away” with the ball. Funny, that’s the same game Jets receivers usually seem to play when Geno Smith throws to them.
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Apparently after yesterday’s loss to the Miami Dolphins, Chicago Bears WR Brandon Marshall called out quarterback Jay Cutler. And long-time Bears fans said “What took you so long?”
(From my friend Alex B. “Responded Cutler: ‘Well if you’d just stand still, I could accurately throw you the ball!’!”
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On World Series Eve, trying to remember all the national derision when Wild Card teams made it to, and even won, the Super Bowl. Oh, that’s right…. there wasn’t any.
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Texans and Steelers were on Monday Night Football. Two teams that are about as appealing to a national audience as the Royals and Giants in the World Series.
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Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino tweeted: “I truly believe we will beat Florida State (in football) … I haven’t been this excited for a football game in a long time.” Hmm, has anyone checked that man for concussions?
Burlington Elementary School just banned students from bringing any food, including birthday cake, to school birthday celebrations. The rationale, sending a message “to the parents and kids, especially with the obesity rate being so high.” Another example of an overly PC blue state, right? Wrong. The school is in Kentucky.
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CNN headlines “Glimmers of hope in fight against Ebola: Nigeria and Senegal are Ebola-free. A Spanish nurse’s aide has beaten Ebola. And Dallas has cleared dozens from Ebola monitoring.” Does this mean it’s time for the GOP to start talking about Benghazi again?
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Too simplistic, but awfully tempting just to vote on propositions solely based just on who is paying for the ads for and against them.
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Ah Texas. Attorney General Greg Abbott, running for Governor, was asked about interracial marriage and gave a vague answer. When a reporter said she “wasn’t clear if he was saying he would have defended a ban on interracial marriage.” Abbott replied, “Actually, the reason why you’re uncertain about it is because I didn’t answer the question. And I can’t go back and answer some hypothetical question like that.’” I SO miss Molly Ivins…
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Bruce Jenner jokes, Cutler jokes, Janice Hough, MNF jokes, monica lewinsky jokes, Notre Dame jokes, Peyton Manning jokes, World Series joke
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October 15, 2014
KC Royals pitcher Jeremy Guthrie apologized for wearing a T-shirt saying “These O’s aint’ Royal” — a pun on a Chris Brown song. Yeah, really unfair this week to compare Baltimore to Chris Brown, the O’s weren’t hitting anything.
Congrats to Kansas City. Now FOX has a whole week to convince potential viewers that Royals really are America’s Team
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The Royals scored their two runs to win today in the first inning without a hit out of the infield. Who do they think they are, the #SFGiants?
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SF Giants have scored 22 runs in their last 6 post season games. Of those, 10 runs were scored by way of a hit. #smokeandmirrors
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So wonder what Andrew Friedman’s first act running the Dodgers will be. Other than trying just to buy the Royals
-On “The Jim Rome Show,” Bo Jackson said Jameis Winston is ignoring his advice. “I have communicated with him, and I just talked to him like I was his dad.” Yeah, and Winston is probably listening to Jackson about as much as many cocky 20 year olds listen to their dads
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Florida State coach Jimbo Fisher said they are confident Jameis Winston wasn’t paid for autographing memorabilia. And F$U has million$ of rea$on$ to believe that.
Actual items in a grocery ad today. Pumpkin Spice Salsa, Pumpkin Pasta Sauce, Pumpkin BBQ Sauce and, no joke, Organic Pumpkin Pet Food…. Anyone but me counting the days until Halloween and this pumpkin craziness is over?
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Dallas Cowboys coach Jason Garrett said RB Joseph Randle will be fined significantly for his shoplifting arrest. Wonder if the exact amount of the fine will depend on whether or not Garrett shoplifted NFL approved merchandise.
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Ebola is not contagious through the air. But after a second nurse with the virus was found to have flown on Frontier Airlines from Cleveland to Dallas, Frontier issued a statement saying “the aircraft received a thorough cleaning per our normal procedures.” “Normal procedures.” Yeah, that’s what Americans are afraid of…..
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Wonder how many Americans are getting so stressed out about #Ebola that they are taking up smoking?
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Meanwhile, many in the GOP are calling for President Obama to appoint an Ebola “czar.” So they can then turn around and say how bad a job that czar is doing.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Ebola jokes, Jameis Winston jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Orioles jokes, Royals jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
October 14, 2014
Texas Gov. Rick Perry, speaking in London, telling his English audience “You always sound so darn smart and refined no matter what you’re saying.” And no doubt many in the crowd are thinking “It’s not just the accent that makes you sound so dumb.”
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But also let me get this straight, in Texas, they are upset that the CDC and President Obama haven’t done more against Ebola. Mark this down, Texans are Cocomplaining that the Federal Government hasn’t done enough to interfere in their state.
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Really? Cowboys RB Joseph Randle was arrested last night for shoplifting underwear and cologne in at a local Dillard’s. Wonder if the reaction in Dallas front office was, well at least he didn’t hit anybody.
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Apple and Facebook will now cover the costs for women employees who want to freeze their eggs and delay having children. Makes sense, why use those young and energetic years for motherhood when you can work 80 hour weeks for your company?
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We’re coming up on the 25th anniversary of the Oct 17, 1989 “World Series” earthquake. Wow. They actually used to play the World Series during mid-October?
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Alabama TE Kurt Freitag’s status is probably in jeopardy after police searched his dorm room last week and allegedly found 112 grams of marijuana and $4,661 in cash. Thinking this sort of thing presents a major recruiting opportunity for Colorado and the University of Washington.
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Dodgers have now hired Andrew Friedman from the Tampa Bay Rays as their new president of baseball operations. Well, money can’t buy happiness. But Friedman may be about to see it also can’t buy chemistry.
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Tickets for the Cal vs Oregon football game next Friday at Levi’s Stadium are now 2/3 off at Groupon. Might be a good time to check the place out. With Cal’s defense and Oregon’s offense there probably shouldn’t be too much traffic leaving late in the 4th quarter.
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The SF Giants are doing their best to give all baseball fans in the Bay Area a free cardiac stress test. #NLCS
#SFGiants won at 4 20. Anyone see what Lincecum might have been doing to start a rally in the dugout?
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Anyone know how many ways there are to score without a base hit in baseball? #SFGiants seem bound and determined to show us ALL of them.
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The Royals were almost never on ESPN or FOX during the season, and they still aren’t. But watching them the last couple weeks I find it hard to believe that this team ever lost.
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Meanwhile for SF Giants (and St. Louis Cardinals) fans who were watching tonight’s KC Royals and Orioles game – – Amazing how much fun close game is when your heart isn’t set on one outcome. #NLCS #ALCS
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The NHL Florida Panthers announced attendance of 7,311 last night. Or as the Montreal Expos used to call that, a packed house.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Cowboys jokes, Ebola jokes, Janice Hough, marijuana jokes, NLCS jokes, Royals jokes, SF Giants jokes, Texas jokes, World Series jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
October 13, 2014
Game 3 of the ALCS was been postponed due to rain. Which means the lead sports story Monday was Monday Night Football. So at least that didn’t change.
The game was scheduled to be on TBS, had it been scheduled for ESPN no doubt the network would have run a “Derek Jeter’s greatest playoff moments” retrospective.
The Baltimore Orioles are no doubt particularly disappointed that Monday’s ALCS game was rained out and not just delayed. Playing in serious mud might be the only way to slow the Kansas City Royals rabbits down.
#Rams looked like they could use #MichaelSam on defense #49ers #MNF
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How can you not love #HunterPence? Apparently he made his own sign “Hunter Pence will work for ring.” #HunterPenceSigns #SFGiants
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NC State suspended 7 players this week for a “BB gun incident” involving a “game with the guns” last week. A game with guns? Wonder if the players were immediately offered transfer opportunities to schools in Texas or Florida?
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A photo has been circulating showing Ole Miss star DL Robert Nkemdiche allegedly using a bong. Coach Hugh Freeze says “appropriate measures were taken.” Translation, Nkemdiche has probably been suspended for the 1st quarter of the Nov. 8th game vs Presbyterian.
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So NBC News’ Dr. Nancy Snyderman’s violated an Ebola quarantine to get some SOUP at Peasant Grill in New Jersey. What’s the restaurant’s new slogan going to be “Soup worth dying for.”? #cantfixstupid
Wouldn’t it have been simpler for #jameiswinston if he just traded autographs for crab legs? #FSU
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The head of the NIH said that budget cuts might be the reason we don’t have an Ebola vaccine, which the agency has been working on over a decade. But really, why should we let all this fear and hysteria turn into a discussion about money and science?
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A psychologist said Oscar Pistorius is a “broken man” after shooting his girlfriend last year. Yeah, apparently the pain is affecting Pistorius’s relationship with the new girlfriend he met last December.
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A social worker testifying for the defense in the Oscar Pistorius trial said that an appropriate punishment for Pistorius would be 16 hours of community service, house arrest (in a mansion), and that he should be allowed to continue with his career as an athlete. Even Los Angeles juries are thinking “Are you nuts?”
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Points for honesty. Senator Mitch McConnell, who reported that he is worth $11.97 million, debated challenger Alison Grimes tonight, and argued against increasing the minimum wage. Grimes challenged McConnell about having become rich in office but not caring about the poor.
His response “To claim that I got rich at public expense — she knows that that’s a result of an inheritance that my wife got when her mother passed away.” In other words, I inherited my money fair and square.
Former NY Times executive editor Jill Abramson said that Condoleezza Rice asked the paper in 2003 to kill a story on the CIA not being able to stop Iran’s nuclear program. Standby for FOX News to explain to us all how Barack Obama really made her do it.
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And Columbus Day is over, a semi-holiday for most Americans with banks and the post office and some schools closed, but most offices open. And many want to change the name. But as Alex Kaseberg says “Personally I think we should stay with Columbus Day. Go to your job, do half of what you were supposed to do, declare it a huge success and then get as many people sick as you can.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: ALCS jokes, Ebola jokes, FSU jokes, Jameis Winston jokes, Mitch McConnell jokes, MNF jokes, Nancy Synderman jokes, NCAA jokes, Oscar Pistorius jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
October 9, 2014
Red Bull settled a $13 million class action lawsuit over customers being deceived by the slogan “Red Bull Gives You Wings..” Darn, and here I was thinking of going as a bird for Halloween and counting on the drink to give me feathers. –
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Katy Perry will reportedly perform during the Super Bowl halftime show. Well, for many men that’s two reasons to watch.
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49ers QB Colin Kaepernick was fined $10,000 for wearing pink Beats by Dre headphones around his neck Sunday, instead of the NFL-approved Bose. Hey, for that amount of money he could have chop-blocked somebody.
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So Jameis Winston is probably out of the Heisman conversation, now another hopeful, Georgia’s TB Todd Gurley, who was leading the SEC in rushing, has been suspended from the team indefinitely pending an “investigation into an alleged violation of NCAA rules.” This year’s award may end up like the Tour de France – last candidate not suspended wins.
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Now Adrian Peterson’s bail may be revoked he told a drug tester that he had “smoked a little weed” before taking a urinalysis test this week. Sigh. Maybe if Peterson had been smoking MORE marijuana he might not have hit his kid as hard.
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Amazon announced they will open their first store. Response from young adults who have grown up with Amazon Prime – “what’s a store?
Apparently the iPhone 6 has been catching and painfully plucking loose hairs when held to a user’s face. Well, that’s what people get for using the device for something radical like actually making a phone call.
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Combined ages of Hudson, Peavy & Vogelsong, the #SFGiants starting pitchers in 3 #NLDS games the Giants won, is 109. #ageandtreachery (If the Giants can coax Jamie Moyer out of retirement, maybe they’d be favored to win the World Series.)
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From T.C. “Their “Murder’s row of bats” are Panik, Posey, Pence, Panda, Perez, Pray and then Pray some more.
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Okay, it’s a convoluted story, but as I understand it, in 2012. a 25 year old single male volunteer for the President’s advance team in Colombia is accused of legally bringing a prostitute to his room in 2012 and denying it later.. And the administration may have delayed the investigation. Wow. Good thing we don’t have any serious issues to worry about.
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Sigh. A new survey finds that 58% of Americans want to ban all flights to the United States from West African countries hit hardest by the Ebola outbreak – Liberia, Guinea and Sierra Leone. Uh, number of direct flights to the US from those countries? Zero. Mission accomplished.
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Another Ebola thought: Lots of folks, especially in the GOP, screaming about closing borders and all kinds of other measures to stop the spread of the disease. When we get this epidemic under control and since AIDS is still an issue, will those same people also start telling all Americans to start using condoms?
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Colombia jokes, Ebola jokes, Janice Hough, Kaepernick jokes, Red Bull jokes, SF Giants jokes, Todd Gurley jokes
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September 29, 2014
Monday was the first day that MLB had to survive without Derek Jeter. Tragic, really.
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A’s vs. Royals today in the AL Wild Card game. “I’ll take two teams where most Americans can’t name a single player for $500, Alex.”
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Not to say the #Patriots are getting old but rumor has it their video spy team has been using #VHS tape.
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On Monday, National Coffee Day, restaurants were giving away coffee to customers. Now at 2am EST Tuesday #NationalCoffeeDay is trending on Facebook…. Presumably because of all those wide awake people who had several cups of free coffee.
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After NC State almost upset Florida State, the Wolfpack coach caused the Seminoles of faking injures. Jimbo Fisher responded “Well, I accuse him of not knowing what he’s talking about. They’re not fake injuries. No one faked injuries, and we wouldn’t do that.” He might have added, “Really, everyone knows FSU only fakes grades and arrest reports.”
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Detroit Lions TE Joseph Fauria says he sprained his ankle when he fell while chasing after a puppy he was toilet training. The puppy now has more tackles than most of the Oakland Raiders defense.
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The #Raiders have fired #DennisAllen. Shocking. So Oakland thinks they have found someone else to take over their train wreck?
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Geno Smith yelled “F— you” at a heckler after the game at MetLife Stadium. If this keeps up, even PETA members will be calling for Michael Vick. #Jets
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In a 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court rejected Ohio early voting starting Sept. 30 instead of Oct. 7. Rationale? Presumably because the Court couldn’t figure out a way, yet, to overturn the 15th and 19th amendments.
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Joe Girardi said today he expects A-Rod to play 3rd next year, but that he doesn’t anticipate Rodriguez’s return to create a distraction. Hmm, is it time to start drug testing MLB managers?
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O’Hare Airport still has thousands of cancelled flights, and the FAA says Chicago air traffic won’t be back to normal until at last mid October. Which should be right about the time they start closing the airports for snow.
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A Southern California woman is suing the producers of “Glee” because she allegedly tripped over cables at Burbank Town Center while the series was filming there. Would be interesting to see security footage from the mall, over-under on the odds the woman was looking at her phone at the time
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Bus to hell, NASCAR version: Tony Stewart said Monday in a press conference that retiring “would take the life out of me.” Is that really the right phrase to use after killing someone with your car?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: #NationalCoffeeday, A-Rod jokes, airline jokes, Janice Hough, Jeter jokes, Jets jokes, Nascar jokes, Patriots jokes, Raiders jokes
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September 19, 2014
Roger Goodell, 2014. He “believes” nobody in the NFL office saw the Ray Rice video. Roger Goodell, 2012, In suspending Saints coach Sean Payton for a year, “Ignorance is no excuse.”
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Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis’s baby daughter is due any day now. And to show there are no hard feelings, Ashton’s ex-wife Demi Moore is sending over some of his old favorite toys.
Florida State just announced they have suspended QB Jameis Winston for the entire game Saturday night against Clemson. Translation: the Seminoles have decided the Tigers weren’t as scary as they thought.
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The #Cubs magic number is 8. As in “8 more games and we are officially waiting for next year.”
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Pabst Brewing Co, the makers of PBR, Colt 45, Old Milwaukee, Schlitz and Lone Star beer, has been sold to Russian company Oasis. Waiting for Texas Senator Ted Cruz to slam Obama on needing tougher sanctions on Russia now. #beer #priorities
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Roger #Goodell said NFL will “get its house in order.” Well, at least he didn’t say he would beat the problem into submission. #clueless
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United Airlines now notes on their website what they consider to be the “best” Economy Plus seats you can pay extra to sit in. How long until they start noting the “worst” seats that you need to pay extra to avoid?
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The Cleveland planning commission approved a 10-story-high banner of Lebron James to hang on a downtown wall. In case Lebron changes his mind again, hope the banner will be fireproof.
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Ah, Joe. The Vice President recently admitted it was a “poor choice of words” for him to refer to unscrupulous lenders as “Shylocks.” Of course it could have been worse, many of the people who might have condemned Biden haven’t read Shakespeare and don’t know what the term means.
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Although really, could Joe Biden have gaffed Roger Goodell’s press conference worse than Goodell himself did?
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And for all the meaningless babble in Goodell’s press conference he didn’t say the two words most Americans really wanted to hear – “I quit.”
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The parents of Honey Boo-Boo, Mama June and Sugar Bear, are splitting up. TMZ reported she found he was signed up for online dating sites. The couple, however, while they have gone through a “commitment ceremony” was never married. Where are the family values / Defense of Marriage folks on this one?
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Apparently thousands of tourists are still stuck in Cabo San Lucas after the hurricane, in uncomfortable situations with limited water and food. In fact, the conditions are almost as bad as they were on the plane flights to Mexico.
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They don’t give an award in MLB for “biggest choke job.” But this year there sure are a lot of contenders.
According to the NJ Star-Ledger, Rutgers AD Julie Hermann told staff members in a meeting. “[We] have to reach out to our donors, fans, everyone, and we need to touch them. Not in a Jerry Sandusky-type way.” Wow. Is Hermann trying to get hired as a VP of sensitivity training for the NFL.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Biden jokes, Cubs jokes, Goodell jokes, Jameis Winston jokes, janice houghes, NFL jokes, United jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 18, 2014
So the Scottish Independence vote has failed. And across the U.S. the most common responses are probably “Weren’t they already an independent country?” and “What does this mean for Scotch whiskey prices?”
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And hope springs eternal. From Daniel Miller, director of Texas Nationalist Movement., on the Scottish referendum, before the votes were counted: “We’re excited that they are able to have a voice, to be able to go to the polls and voice their political will on the issue of self-determination. We’re hoping for a ‘Yes’ vote.” I’ll swap Puerto Rico for Texas as the 50th state any time. #noforeignaid
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Andy Murray, who has been neutral on Scottish independence, tweeted early this morning “‘Huge day for Scotland today! no campaign negativity last few days totally swayed my view on it. excited to see the outcome. lets do this!’ Ought to be real interesting when Murray shows up next year at Wimbledon.
(and do have to wonder, understand neutrality, but have if he was going to come out as a “yes,” why not do it earlier, when it might have mattered, instead of today when it probably accomplished nothing except really annoying English fans and sponsors.)
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Florida State believes they have strictly disciplined Jameis Winston for his “offensive and vulgar” behavior with a one-half game suspension. The school’s biggest regret? That Winston didn’t scream the obscene meme sooner, so they could have suspended him for their game against the Citadel.
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Texas Tech defensive coordinator Matt Wallerstedt resigned today. ESPN reported that he was “was suspected of being under the influence of an unknown substance while on campus.” Of course, this is Lubbock, TX. Was the “unknown substance” Chardonnay?
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Gatorade has a new commercial honoring Derek Jeter and his retirement. Good thing. Would hate for such a momentous event to go unnoticed.
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Michael Vick feels that Roger Goodell should not be fired, and said that the NFL commissioner is “doing a great job.” And Vick’s image rehabilitation was going so well……
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About now the #NFL would let Michael Sam & his boyfriend get married on 50 yd-line if it would be the #1 football headline. #Distractions
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Vikings WR Jerome Simpson. already serving a 3 game DUI suspension, will be arraigned in November after being pulled over for alleged marijuana possession, driving with an open bottle and violating limited license restrictions. And the NFL is thinking, “Thank God, he didn’t beat up anyone.
4-1 lead in the 7th over the Dodgers and the Chicago pitcher induces an inning-ending double play which gets booted, and LA ends up scoring 5 runs enroute to a 8-4 win. SFGiants fans would like to thank the Cubs for reminding us, we may have #torture but it could be worse.
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Although they are not in the same league, the Oakland As are constantly competing with the SF Giants. And in 2014 year they seem bound and determined to compete with the June-July version of the Giants.
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Miley Cyrus is now under criminal investigation for twerking in Monterrey with dancers whipping and rubbing Mexican flags on her derriere. As the Mexican constitution protects “national emblems, the flag and the national anthem.” Well, even if Miley didn’t commit a technical crime in Mexico, she should be under investigation for criminal stupidity.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Cubs jokes, Goodell jokes, GOP jokes. NFL jokes, Jameis Winston jokes, Janice Hough, Miley Cyrus jokes, Scottish Independence jokes
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September 15, 2014
Before the Chargers’ game, Richard Sherman was bitching about Aaron Rodgers not throwing to receivers he covered: The Seattle CB said he “needed” the ball. SD QB Philip Rivers was 6-for-6 passing today for 60 yards while throwing to receivers Sherman was covering. #Missionaccomplished.
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Many 49ers fans who drove to tonight’s home opener were stuck for hours after the game. As opposed to the team, who apparently checked out after the third quarter. #SF49ers.
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Colin Kaepernick had an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty for “inappropriate language.” Good thing fans couldn’t be heard talking to the television.
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NFL Refs missed a SF delay of game that would have negated a 49ers TD, And missed Percy Harvey stepping out of bounds on his way to what was called a Seahawks TD. And apparently messed up on a crucial time out call that cost the Jets a TD. So where are all those replacement guys again?
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Before today’s Dallas-Tennessee game today the Titans included the song “Fight Night” on their stadium warmup soundtrack. A song that includes the lyrics “Lil’ mamma, she keep looking at me (lil’ mama!) Im’a knock the p*ssy out like fight night. Hit it with the left Hit with the right Im’a knock the p*ssy out like fight night.”
Can’t imagine how the NFL gets the reputation for being tone deaf.
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RGIII was injured in the first quarter of the Redskins-Jaguars game. Wonder if Washington will send Jacksonville a thank you note.
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Greg Norman is recovering in a hospital after he nearly cut off his own hand in a chain saw accident. Apparently he had posted a picture of himself a week earlier holding that chain saw. “Time to trim the sea grapes today. Never ask someone to do something that you can do yourself.” Well, maybe not quite never.
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As a New Orleans fan, only good thing about Browns win over the Saints. At least maybe we don’t have to hear much about Johnny Manziel this year.
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Texas Solicitor General Jonathan Mitchell has asked a federal appeals court to allow the state to enforce a “surgical standards” law that will close more than half of Texas’s abortion facilities. Mitchell says that “the vast majority of the state’s reproductive-age women will live within 150 miles” of the remaining clinics.
Wonder how Texas would feel about the vast majority of the state’s men living within 150 miles of pharmacies selling Viagra?
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The Mets are out of the postseason, the Yankees are almost out, the Giants got solidly beaten and the Jets choked. So in New York they’re wondering “When does the Knicks preseason start?”
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No comment needed. From a Baseball Hall of Fame book from 2000, with last two pages “Return to the Glory Days. The last paragraph was about 1998. “The Yankees proved that this isn’t about money, but instead about commitment, pride and joy. That is the lesson that the Yankees, McGwire and Sosa taught America- and the world – in 1998. And that is exactly what baseball fans needed to see.”
As of midnight, Yahoo still has a “spoiler alert” on their story about the new Miss America? Really? So they think there are people who care enough to have recorded the pageant and still don’t know the winner.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, Greg Norman jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, RGIII jokes, Richard Sherman jokes, Texas jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 9, 2014
In Northern California, they are hunting a mountain lion who apparently injured a 6 year old boy on a popular hiking trail. Officials said the cougar ambushed the boy “as if he was prey.” Uh, AS IF?.
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William and Kate are expecting another baby. Makes sense, now that Prince George is over a year old, they need another royal up in the middle of the night to keep Harry company.
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Apple’s new $349 smart watch acts as a remote control, a mobile payment device, and a pulse monitor. But can it tell time?
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Apparently a long-lost collection of Dr. Seuss stories is hitting the bookstores today. No doubt some in the younger generation are asking “Who’s Dr. Seuss?” And still others are asking “what’s a bookstore?”
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Seems like only a few days ago that the biggest PR worry the #NFL had was dealing with the #MichaelSam “distraction.”
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Since the #NFL tries to monetize everything how long until we have a Fantasy Football League with points scored based on suspensions and arrests?
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Perhaps a bright spot in the whole #RayRice saga is that people are paying attention. Back when Lawrence Phillips beat up his ex-girlfriend and was dragging her down the stairs by her hair when someone interceded, Nebraska coach Tom Osborn let him play in the national championship, And three NFL teams, including the 49ers signed him, despite more off-field “troubles” including a second arrest (and a no contest plea) for assaulting a woman.
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On a bright note for #NY sports the #RayRice situation has knocked Eli Manning and the Giants s*cking off the front page.
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I feel somewhat sorry for Janay Palmer, who is now angry at the MEDIA for turning her life into a “horrible nightmare.” There’s a lot that s*cks (technical term) about being a public figure. But the media didn’t knock her out in that elevator.
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Kentucky coach John Calipari is reportedly organizing a two-day scouting combine featuring Wildcat players only for NBA teams. Wonder if someone asked him if the combine would conflict with classes. (“Classes”?)
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Nicole Kidman recently said that the celebrity hacked photos story is “very superficial” and “why that would even make news astounds me, but a lot of what makes the news astounds me. I do think we need to be talking about the violence in the world, in terms of Iraq, violence towards women, education and women, what’s happening in Afghanistan.” Well, she got her wish on the “violence towards women” part.
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A preliminary investigation shows that Malaysia Airlines flight 17 was likely struck by multiple “high-energy objects from outside the aircraft,” which caused it to crash. What was their first clue?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Apple jokes, iPhone jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, ray rice jokes, Roger Goodell jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
September 8, 2014
But it sure can end an NFL career.
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TMZ posted a video this morning of Ray Rice knocking his fiancee out in the elevator, which has provoked new outrage over Rice’s light punishment And Roger Goodell and the NFL claim they never saw it until now. I think I like “tainted supplement” better.
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So yeah, makes perfect sense. The NFL reviews video tape in enough detail to know if someone is wearing the wrong brand of socks, but they claim they didn’t look at an available video involving alleged domestic violence. #priorities
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Now that the Ray Rice video is out no doubt other NFL players will think seriously about changing their lives. Starting by taking surveillance cameras out of their homes?
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“Fox & Friends” host co-host Brian Kilmeade said today that the lesson to be learned from the Ray Rice video was “take the stairs.” Scary thing is that a lot of NFL players probably think he is right.
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Not sure when and if Ray Rice will return to the NFL. But wonder how long it will take the now former Ravens RB to get a call from “Celebrity Boxing.”
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Wonder if Ray Rice’s wife knew he’d end up cut from the Ravens and suspended from the NFL if she’d have still married him?
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All aboard the bus to hell. At least NY Giants fans don’t have to worry about Eli Manning being arrested for domestic violence. 1. Archie raised him right. 2. If Eli DID throw a punch at a woman, no doubt it would be intercepted.
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Olive Garden just announced they will sell a ‘never-ending pasta pass’ for $100, which will allow buyers to eat as much of any of 150 pasta dishes they want once a day, every single day, between September 22 and November 9. Along with free breadsticks, soup and salad bar. Does the pass also come with a free diabetes test at the end?
Mets are basically eliminated from the postseason, the Yankees are getting close, and the Giants looked awful tonight. So in New York they’re thinking TGFR – “Thank God for The Raiders.”
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Raiders players said there was no need to panic after their season-opening loss to the Jets. Makes sense, many Raiders fans were panicked BEFORE the season started.
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Marin Cilic beat Kei Nishikori in Monday’s men’s singles final at the U.S. Open. And no doubt U.S television ratings were as great as a PGA tournament with neither Tiger, Phil or even Rory in contention.
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The wooden Colossus roller coaster at Six Flags Magic Mountain was closed for renovation a few weeks ago, today it caught fire and partially collapsed. Now that’s a potential thrill ride..
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More why there is no satire: Hartselle, Alabama, is the largest dry city in the state. And their mayor, Don Hall, has said he opposes the sale of booze within city limits. Last Friday Hall was arrested, driving back from a neighboring town, for alleged DUI….
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It’s rather silly to have a magic number for a potential one-game postseason. This having been said, the #SFGiants magic number for a playoff spot is 15.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Eli Manning jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Raiders jokes, Raves jokes, ray rice jokes, Rice jokes, Roger Goodell jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
September 6, 2014
Oops. ESPN headline “Runs could be scarce when David Price and the Tigers host Madison Bumgarner and the Giants this afternoon.” (Not only did the Giants win 5-4, it was 4 to 2 after the first.)
Nice win for #SFGiants vs Detroit. But Miguel Cabrera against Romo? You could probably have gotten better odds that Miggy WOULDN’T have hit a home run. #sfgiants #hangingslider.
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Beginning to think the 2014 SF Giants strategy is to save all their hits for the first and last two months of the season?
Too much bad stuff for one post after Stanford USC game today. But for starters. 6 Red Zone chances for the Cardinal, 10 points. And two PUNTS for Stanford from USC 32 and 29 year line. Closer than the Trojans were when they kicked their 53 yard game-winning FG. #choke
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Well at least that #stanford fumble saved fans the agony of watching Williamson miss another field goal. #uscvsstan
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Though to be honest, happiest people watching USC vs. Stanford game had to be #Oregon fans. Both teams looked bad.
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And USC athletic director Pat Haden actually left his spot in the press box and came down to the field to argue with referees during the Stanford game. Wonder if Haden gets equally involved if some professor is about to flunk his players?
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San Jose State made $1.5 million to travel to Auburn to play the Tigers, , where they were 31 point underdogs. So was one of the oddmakers in Vegas a Spartans alum?
Kei Nishikori upset Novak Djokovic. A match that fans of underdogs and Scrabble players must have loved. #usopen.
Karma’s a mean b*tch. Or maybe just likes blue. Before the Virginia Tech game, Urban Meyer made ESPN announcers who visited the Buckeyes’ practice change their blue shirts to red and white OSU shirts. Since blue is Michigan’s color….. (For non-college football fans, Virginia Tech upset Ohio State, in Columbus.)
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In general, the Big Ten is looking like an oxymoron.
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Scotland is set to vote September 18 on breaking away from the United Kingdom. And a new Sunday Times poll shows independence winning 51% to 49%. If this secession happens can the US suggest it to Texas?
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Watching #Oregon football highlights. Still can’t pick out where they keep the generator to plug in those uniforms.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Big Ten jokes, college football jokes, Janice Hough, Ohio State jokes, SF Giants jokes, Stanford football jokes, USC jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
September 5, 2014
President Obama made an unscheduled stop at Stonehenge after a visit to Wales. How long until we see the Fox News headlines “Obama is a druid.”?
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The NY Daily News reports that the father of the 9 year-old girl who accidentally shot her instructor with an Uzi is a New Jersey “wealth adviser” who oversees more than $1.0 billion in investments. Proving again that money can’t buy common sense. #affluenza
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Apparently Washington Redskins merchandise sales are down this year with all the controversy. Of course, if the team really wants to sell the stuff, have them change the name, and then all the Redskins’ merchandise remaining becomes collector’s items.
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Johnny Manziel has filed for yet another trademark, this time “Johnny Cleveland.” At this rate he may end up the only QB with more trademarks than NFL passing touchdowns.
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FSU has apparently just begun an investigation into the 2012 rape accusations against Jameis Winston. And no doubt they will finish the investigation within a year after Winston heads to the NFL.
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From Bill Littlejohn “So if the Saints put a bounty on Wes Welker, do they call it a ‘Molly Hatchet’?
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CNN headlines are all about the unresponsive mystery plane that crashed off the coast of Jamaica. Now, while this is a sad story, apparently it was a small private aircraft with only two people aboard. But at least CNN knows where the plane is.
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Kim Kardashian, in a British magazine interview, denies that there will ever be another leaked sex tape. “I never want to make the same mistake twice.” Well, yeah, next time she’ll sell i
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Hillary Clinton hasn’t officially made a decision about running for President, but she’s made a decision about the decision: “I am going to be making a decision around, probably after the first of the year about whether I am going to run again.” “Geez, can you make up your mind already” responded Brett Favre.
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Hertz at Heathrow Airport charges 62.00 UKL for a week to rent a car, and 70 UKL additional to have a second person drive the car. Clearly car rental agencies are learning from the airlines.
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You may not root for Jake Peavy. But going back to pick up a win you started after 2 hrs and 41 minutes is seriously #oldschool #SFGiants
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A Northern California couple was arrested after sheriff’s deputies searched their home and found large quantities of marijuana and marijuana candy, along with a loaded shotgun and handgun, all accessible to their children, ages 2 and 4. And over at the NRA, their spokesmen’s heads are exploding.
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Thursday night in College Football, Texas A&M Commerce beat East Texas Baptist, 98-20. Today no doubt East Texas Baptist’s phones are ringing of the hook with potential $1 million paydays for future games from the SEC.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: affluenza jokes, college football jokes, Janice Hough, marijuana jokes, NFL jokes, SF Giants jokes
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August 15, 2014
Texas Governor Rick Perry, was indicted on two charges relating to his efforts to force the resignation of a local district attorney. Wonder if the prosecutor couldn’t think of a third charge?
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Mo’Ne Davis threw a two-hit shutout for Philadelphia at Little League World Series today. Wonder how long it will take her to get a try-out with the Phillies.
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Police at Madrid’s airport arrested a 43-year-old woman for allegedly trying to smuggle to 3.7 pounds of cocaine in her breast implants. What was their first clue? Really REALLY perky breasts?
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Notre Dame says they expect to suspend four football players, who allegedly violated the university’s honor code by receiving improper help on classwork. Many other college football players are shocked. Notre Dame players have classwork?
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Apparently Roger Goodell is now claiming he wanted to suspend Ray Rice for more than two games but didn’t feel he could do so due to precedent. I think I like “tainted supplement” better.
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NY Mets manager Terry Collins says he told Matt Harvey, who he thought was working too hard on his rehab, to “back off” and that Harvey’s season is over. Makes sense. So is the Mets’.
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The man who invented the “pop-up” ad in the 90s has now apologized for creating it. Shouldn’t we blame Al Gore too, since he invented the internet?
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Saints’ tight end Jimmy Graham was flagged twice tonight for dunking over the goalposts after a touchdown. Maybe New Orleans should just practice kickoffs from the 20 yard line. #nofunleague
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Johnny Manziel was “a few minutes” late to a team meeting Monday morning. Wonder what his excuse was. Hard to believe Johnny found something to keep him up late Sunday night in Cleveland.
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From Bill Littlejohn “On Browns’ management saying they will handle Manziel’s tardiness internally ‘In other words, next time he’ll have to produce a note from his bartender.'”
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#NYYankees have lost 5 games in a row. Stand by for the #ESPN special on how #DerekJeter is coping through this difficult time.
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KC Chiefs WR Dwayne Bowe has been suspended one game for a violation of the NFL’s substance abuse policy. One game. This after a November marijuana arrest that was dismissed after Bowe pleaded guilty to littering and “defective equipment.” So he tossed away a lousy joint and didn’t inhale?
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Paul McCartney played the last concert at Candlestick Park last night. Although many of the nearly 50,000 with tickets couldn’t even get into the old stadium due to traffic, and it took fans hours to get out. So yes, memories of the Beatles and memories of why blowing the place up is overdue.
In San Jose, officers fatally shot a bipolar 19-year- old woman who had called police saying she was armed with “an Uzi” and would shoot her family if the cops didn’t come. The woman turned out to be carrying… a cordless power drill. Now, I’m sure we’ll learn more about this incident, but have to wonder, with all the stories about the easy availability of guns, doesn’t this make police- and everyone else- more likely to shoot because we believe everyone, even the crazies, are armed?
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Little League World Series jokes, NFL jokes, Notre Dame jokes, Rick Perry jokes, Roger Goodell jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
August 13, 2014
Washington Nationals outfielder Jayson Werth has been charged with reckless driving for doing 105 mph in a 55 mph zone in Virginia’s Fairfax County. Locals are shocked. With D.C. area traffic, they didn’t think there was anywhere you could get going that fast..
(Meanwhile in Los Angeles the Dodgers are thinking “Nobody tell Puig”)
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Justin Bieber avoided a DUI conviction by pleading guilty today to misdemeanor charges of careless driving and resisting arrest stemming from his run in with Miami Beach police this January. Is it too soon to start a pool on the date of Bieber’s next arrest?
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Apparently Kim, Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian think someone working on their TV show has been stealing jewelry and cash from their homes, and are saying if the thief isn’t caught they won’t film season 10 of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians.” Which could be the biggest incentive ever for lazy police work.
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White Sox announcer Hawk Harrelson, after a play was overturned for the Chicago catcher blocking the plate, and the SF Giants went on to score 7 runs in the inning. “Next thing you know we’ll have catchers wearing skirts out there.” Wonder if SF Giants fans can take up a collection to have Hunter Pence wear a skirt on Friday night.
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OK, so the plate blocking rule needs tweaking & it gave the #SFGiants a run today against the #Whitesox. But it didn’t give them the next 6.
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Airline customer service at its finest. American Airlines offers a traveler a $500 voucher to take a later flight. He accepts. Certificate can be redeemed by phone, where AA has a ticketing charge. Or at an AA ticket office. Except the airline has closed their ticket offices. Only humans who can issue ticket are at the airports.
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An American woman and her boyfriend were arrested when the body of the woman’s mother was found stuffed inside a suitcase at the St. Regis in Bali. What was the couple thinking? They’d have never gotten the suitcase on a plane without serious overweight baggage charges.
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Rush Limbaugh yesterday suggested that Robin Williams committed suicide because of his “leftist world view.” “What is the left’s world view in general?” “If you had to attach, not a philosophy, but an attitude to a leftist world view. It’s one of pessimism, and darkness, sadness. They’re never happy, are they?” Annie Savoy in Bull Durham got it right – “The world is made for people who aren’t cursed with self awareness.”
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Edward Snowden, interviewed on returning to the U.S. “I told the government I’d volunteer for prison, as long as it served the right purpose. I care more about the country than what happens to me.” And then Snowden presumably returned to his project of trying to sell the Brooklyn Bridge to the Russians.
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Rand Paul was asked to name one word for when he thinks of Chris Christie. His answer “Bridges.” Wonder if Paul will try to get Simon and Garfunkel at a campaign event.
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After a reported two-month long investigation, three women in Redwood City massage parlors were arrested today or alleged solicitation of prostitution, pimping and pandering. Because there’s so little crime in Northern California that police have nothing better to do?
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Tried a new hair gloss and decided actually to read the directions. “Caution. For external use only.” Wow, glad I saw that…
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: baseball jokes, Bieber jokess, bus to hell jokes, Hawk Harrelson jokes, Janice Hough, Kardashian jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
August 5, 2014
San Mateo County authorities said they intercepted two large vans carrying 180 bales of marijuana, 5.148 pounds, (worth $23 million). that had just been offloaded from a boat that had sailed from Mexico. Hmm.. Is there any way California can make a deal with Colorado here? Maybe trade the haul for water?
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Chrissie Hynde says that when John McEnroe was at Wimbledon he’d call her because she had pot and they would hang out and smoke. So Chrissie may be a great musician, but sounds like she’s a lousy judge of good marijuana.
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USA Today reports that MLB is down to three finalists to succeed Bud Selig as commissioner. Which means Bud will probably die of old age while in office.
A security firm named “Hold Security” says Russian criminals have stolen a total of 1.2 billion Internet user names and passwords. Of course, probably 1.1 billion of those passwords are 123456789.
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Last night Albert Pujols tagged up from first and went to second after Yasiel Puig nonchalantly caught a ball. Words were exchanged. The less than fleet-footed Pujols then mocked Puig afterward with gestures and facial expressions. But how long in LA until they start referring to “Puig being Puigy?”
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Really? This Fox News headline “Ebola outbreak fuels concerns over health risks along US-Mexico border.” Later in the article Fox does allow that “No case of an illegal immigrant carrying Ebola has been reported. But a Homeland Security report did say that “in two cases, the children of a border agent got chicken pox after their exposure to a child who had the illness.”
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A U.S. general was killed and 15 others injured when a shooter wearing an Afghan military uniform opened fire at a training facility in Afghanistan. Alas, once again even for experts, it can be hard to tell the difference between a good guy and a bad guy with a gun.
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Everyone’s favorite owner Dan Snyder talked about how those criticizing the Redskins name should focus instead on the difficulties many Native Americans face on reservations. And added that he learned during recent visits to Native American tribes that “they love” the team. Amongst things Snyder clearly has never learned – quit while you’re ahead.
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A 62 year old woman who has been arrested repeatedly at San Francisco International Airport trying to sneak onto flights, today made it onto a flight from San Jose to Los Angeles. This may not be what San Jose officials have had in mind when they tout their airport as a faster alternative.
The woman is now in jail in Los Angeles. Presume they will have to bring her back to the Bay Area to stand trial…. by plane?!
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So why didn’t we see this on Fox News? The GOP-led House Intelligence Committee just declassified a report on Benghazi. Rep. Mike Thompson says the report “confirms that no one was deliberately misled, no military assets were withheld and no stand-down order (to U.S. forces) was given.”
Time to start trying to repeal Obamacare again?’
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In New York, 11 people were injured when two double-decker tour buses collided today near Times Square. Good thing the bus companies aren’t run by the airlines. They’d charge the tourists extra for a thrill ride.
She’s baaaack. V. Stiviano now is hinting on Instagram that she will soon reveal the father of her 4 year old daughter. And somewhere Andy Warhol is thinking “She’s already had 14 minutes too many.”
Driving the bus to hell badly is T.C. (Whose last name is Chong so he can get away with this.) “One of the signs at Citi Field said ‘Hunter Pence cannot parallel park.’ ?????. Didn’t know he was Oriental.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Bud Selig jokes, Fox News jokes, Janice Hough, marijuana jokes, password jokes, Puig jokes
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August 4, 2014
Trayvon Reed had a 4 year basketball scholarship to play at Maryland. The Terps, however, withdrew the offer when Reed was charged with petty theft, resisting arrest and 2nd degree assault of a police officer, after he was allegedly seen shoplifting some ice cream and candy worth less than $6…. $6? You’d think if he’d risk a free ride to college the kid would at least have gone for crab legs?
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In Mexico, a 21 year old man apparently tried to pose for a selfie with a loaded gun, and killed himself when the gun accidentally discharged. Call it “The Last Picture Show?”
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#JonBonJovi took out an ad saying it was his objective to make the “#Bills successful in Buffalo.” Talk about “Living on a Prayer.”
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Lane Kiffin, 39, now the offensive coordinator at Alabama, says he hopes to learn from his mistakes, adding “I’ve made more than anybody, probably.” Well, maybe not anybody. But maybe more than any other coach under 40.
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The University of Miami already lost their projected starting QB to an ACL injury. And their current starter has now been suspended for the season opener against Louisville due to a failed drug test. If this keeps up the Hurricanes may be the first team to run a season-long Wildcat offense.
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The Detroit Lions will wear recycled jerseys for their practice this Wednesday. The green jerseys will be made from plastic bottles. Although if they wanted to recycle AND give their fans a thrill, they could use old jerseys from teams that had won a Super Bowl.
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Brett Favre, on entering the Packers Hall of Fame. “I will always be a Packer….I’ve always been a Packer.” And really, why would anyone doubt Favre’s word on anything?
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Police were able to apprehend a 6-year-old boy who managed to drive his toy ATV onto the Bronx River Parkway. The boy was not injured. And no doubt he probably wasn’t close to the worst driver on the highway.
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The Cheesecake Factory took 3 of the top 9 places for the “most unhealthy food in America” contest from the Center for Science in the Public Interest. One of the dishes was “Farfelle with Chicken and Roasted Garlic,” at 2,410 calories. Have to wonder, how many people ordered it, and cleaned their plates so they could have dessert?
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Israel and Palestinian factions, including Hamas, have agreed to another 72-hour humanitarian cease-fire. This one was proposed by Egypt, so kudos to them if it holds. If things fall apart, of course it will be Obama’s fault.
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It’s only the beginning of pre-season, but Richard Sherman’s mouth is in mid-season form. Sherman was asked today if he would have shaken Michael Crabtree’s hand had the 49er caught the game-winning touchdown. “Yeah, I would have shaken his hand. But that universe doesn’t exist. If ifs were fifths, we’d all be drunk.”
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NY Mets fans taunted Hunter Pence at Citi Field this weekend with signs like “Hunter Pence eats pizza with a fork,” and “Hunter Pence cannot parallel park.” And Pence got six extra base hits with 7 RBI in the series. Can the #SFGiants hire these fans to follow the team around?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
August 3, 2014
At a Swedish church. a woman found 80 skeletons stuffed into Ikea bags. Apparently they were excavated during a renovation five years ago and not reburied. Well, yeah, because presumably no one could figure out the instructions.
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Bristol Palin, who released a memoir, was on Dancing with the Stars twice, and had her only reality show, is now suing her baby daddy Levi for child support of $1750 a month dating back to 2012. Bristol claims zero income for 2013 and 2014. Guess she couldn’t do something unthinkable like go on welfare, or actually get a job?
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The #SFgiants are the only team in major league baseball with four different pitchers who have thrown a complete game. And many younger fans are thinking “what’s a complete game?”
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Michael Morse clearly turned a fly ball into a double tonight, but the SF Giants’ Jake Peavy let it get to him enough to give up four runs. So where do you go to find a “pitcher whisperer?”
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Jimmy Graham dunked a football over the goalposts today after a touchdown in the Saints scrimmage, a move that will be illegal this year this season. Wonder how many violations it will take to get a two-game suspension.
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A lot of angry, ignorant people were against bringing that American humanitarian doctor infected with Ebola to an isolation ward in an Atlanta hospital. Wonder how many of them are also anti-vaccine?
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Robert F. Kennedy Jr, whose first marriage ended in divorce, whose second wife killed herself while they were estranged, and who has allegedly been having a 2-year affair during his engagement, got married again today to Cheryl Hines. A smart woman, who knows? But she’s got the foolish choices part down.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: IKEA jokes, NFL jokes, Palin jokes, SF Giants jokes
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August 2, 2014
A Michigan woman says a lion at a small private zoo bit off the tip of her finger when she tried to pet it. She is upset. But perhaps not as upset as the lion who thought it was getting some serious human sushi.
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Life’s different in Colorado with legalized marijuana. Assume the Rockies are still hard at work trying to take advantage of this weekend’s trade deadline.
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Not only did the Dallas Cowboys send season-ticket holders their regular tickets this week, but they also included playoff tickets, including one for the NFC championship game. Well, to be fair, maybe the team figured it was the only way their fans would ever see playoff tickets.
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Bummer. That Mideast cease-fire lasted only about as long as the Cubs’ yearly pennant hopes.
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Roger Goodell today said that what while domestic violence is “not acceptable” the NFL’s two-game suspension of Ray Rice, is “consistent” with other punishments issued by the league, partly due to it being Rice’s 1st offense. Wonder how many games Goodell would have given O.J. Simpson if his acquittal on murder charges had happened while “the Juice” was active.
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SFGiants promoted Jarrett Parker & Matt Duffy from Double A to majors. Should fit right in, line-up has been hitting like Double-A team.
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Matt Duffy has already had a more productive #SFGiants career than Dan Uggla. (A hit, a HBP, an RBI, and no errors.)-
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Why the San Antonio Spurs will never be America’s Team. They just signed Tony Parker to a contract extension through 2017-18. Where’s the drama? Where’s the angst? Where’s the nonstop ESPN speculation?
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Golf.com reports that the PGA Tour has suspended Dustin Johnson for six months for cocaine use. Who says there’s no way to get golf headlines from Tiger Woods?
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The KC Royals’ Jeremy Guthrie had an ERA over 10 in his last four starts. Today he was masterful against Oakland in a 1 to 0 shutout. It’s as if the the As temporarily became the SF Giants.
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Obama today said Putin is ‘ignoring’ Russia’s long-term interests. Maybe the Russian President is trying to be declared an honorary GOP member of Congress.
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Two American humanitarian workers who caught Ebola while caring for patients in Liberia are being brought to Atlanta for treatment. And although the disease can only be passed by direct contact with bodily fluids, apparently many other Americans are freaking out on social media. Including Donald Trump, tweeting “KEEP THEM OUT OF HERE.” Ah, for the days that he was just ignorant about birth certificates.
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Six people were injured in Palo Alto yesterday when a driver in his 90s hit the gas instead of the brake and accelerated into a local cafe. I wonder how many of those calling for tighter regulations for elderly drivers also believe the government has no business tightening regulations for gun owners.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Cowboys jokes, Janice Hough, marijuana jokes, ray rice jokes, Roger Goodell jokes, Spurs jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
Left Coast Sports Babe 