Author Archive
December 25, 2012
Wishing everyone a happy and safe Christmas Eve. And beware of low-flying, or should i say, high-flying, reindeer in Colorado and Washington.
Have to wonder in Colorado and Washington, how many families will wait up to find presents under the tree, the cookies and milk still on the table, but all their Doritos missing.
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NORAD is in the midst of their traditional Santa tracking. But wonder what happens this year when Instagram tries to sell all the pictures.
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So if Santa didn’t show up with the right toys last night, can parents explain it to their children by telling them that unfortunately Rudolph was guiding his sleigh with Apple maps?
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Some think it’s unfair for the NBA to schedule games on Christmas Day. But on a brighter note it does save the players from the tough decision of spending the day with which mother of their children.
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Just noticed, no joke, that there’s a Justin Bieber perfume. “That’s exactly what I want for Christmas,” said no one over the age of 12.
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A customer who was tired of waiting for his check at a Texas Denny’s set their Christmas tree on fire. Caused a lot of damage, but the roasted tree probably ended up tasting better than most of their menu items.
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Some of the conservative media are headlining the fact that Obama landed in Hawaii last night and went out to play golf this morning. Of course, had the President stayed in D.C. to work on the “fiscal cliff” the same folks would accuse him of making Republicans in Congress give up their Christmas for his political gain.
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A cashier accidentally sold a New Hampshire man the wrong lottery ticket, and it turned out to be the one that won a $2.1 million Tri-State Megabucks Plus prize. Wonder how long it will take for some other lottery player to sue?
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Heaven is a messier place tonight. R.I.P Jack Klugman.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Christmas jokes, Janice Hough, Santa jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
December 24, 2012
At this point, what’s the difference between the NY Jets and the Giants postseason hopes? About another week.
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Ah, the NFL and television. Sunday morning CBS and the league gave football fans on the West Coast the Oakland Raiders vs. the Carolina Panthers. Wasn’t there a more meaningful game on, like the Poulan Weed-Eater bowl or something?
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Idaho GOP Sen. Michael Crapo, a Mormon, was arrested yesterday morning in Alexandria, VA., reportedly with a .11 blood alcohol level. I blame Obama.
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Amongst the heaviest drinkers you may see this Christmas season are those who figured it was it sure bet that Eli Manning would have a better year than his over-the-hill big brother….
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Richard Sherman’s appeal of his positive test for Adderall claims it was a contaminated sample because of a leaky cup, and a 2nd cup with a broken seal placed underneath it. You’d think a Stanford grad would have just come up with a way to get a legal prescription for the stuff. (And note to readers, this is not sour grapes, my personal bias is to root for the Saints, not the 49ers.)
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Tagg Romney told the Boston Globe that his father “wanted to be president less than anyone I’ve met in my life.” Makes sense, Mitt certainly campaigned like it.
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Newsweek issues its last print issue on Monday. Which is shocking to most Americans, who didn’t realize Newsweek was still in business.
Weird trivia for the 49ers-Seahawks game. Can anyone remember any other NFL football game started by opposing quarterbacks who were both drafted…for baseball? (True, and to quote Bull Durham’s Annie Savoy, “you could look it up.”)
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The Pope, in his latest Christmas message, spoke against gay marriage and said that gay adoption meant “The child has become an object to which people have a right and which they have a right to obtain.” So does he mean the only non-married people with that right are priests?
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So the NRA’s idea is that trained guards with guns will prevent shootings at school campuses. Leaving aside the fact that Columbine High School and Virginia Tech campuses DID have armed guards, wonder if the NRA asked the opinion of the parents of kids in 1970 at Kent State. (Not as horrific or as long a list as Sandy Hook – but ….Jeffrey Miller, 20, Allison Krause, 19, William Schroeder, 19. Sandra Scheuer, 20.)
Augie wonders in this gun control debate, if we do this armed guard thing, in right-to-work states, do they get the right to shoot without joining the teacher’s union?
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Christmas jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, NRA jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
December 23, 2012
GOP Florida governor Rick Scott sent President Obama a letter requesting that he invoke federal law to order a cooling-off period to prevent a longshoremen’s strike. Of course if Barack complies wonder how long it will take Scott to rail again against overreaching federal government authority.
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Tim Tebow is reportedly going to the Jacksonsville Jaguars in 2013. Could be a good fit. Tebow always did a great job when surrounded by top college-level talent.
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Rubert Murdoch’s New York Post called NRA leader Wayne LaPierre a “gun nut” and “NRA loon” on its Saturday cover. For the uninitiated, this is about as likely as Fox News saying something nice about President Obama.
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Would the NRA next like to suggest the public places they DON’T believe should have armed guards? It might be a shorter list.
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A recent study showed people did significantly better on tough math problems when they were in the company of their pets. So maybe animals are soothing. Although in the case of cats, perhaps their presence just reminded their owners to relax and not give a sh*t.
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“Bob’s,” a Brazilian fast-food chain, has introduced edible wrapping for its burgers. McDonald’s is thinking of following suit, although a sticking point might be that wrapping would probably have more nutritional value than their hamburgers.
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President Obama is in Hawaii for a few days at Christmas. Waiting for the first detractor to condemn him for taking a foreign vacation…
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A judge said the NFL, NBA, NHL, MLB and the NCAA can move forward with their attempts to stop New Jersey’s plans to allow sports gambling. Can’t wait to see Chris Christie weigh in on this one….
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The “R + L Carriers” New Orleans Bowl today featured Eastern Carolina vs. Louisiana-Lafayette?!. Sounds like a sign from God to men that they really should turn off the television and go Christmas shopping.
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From T.C. ” The best selling NFL jersey this year belongs to Washington’s RGIII. Kids in Africa still wearing “2007 Patriots Perfect Season 19-0” jerseys are looking forward to receiving free Jets’ Tebow and Sanchez ones in time for Christmas.”
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: bowl game jokes, cat jokes, Florida jokes, Janice Hough, NRA jokes, Tim Tebow jokes
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December 22, 2012
The Green Bay Packers got over 600 volunteers to shovel snow off of Lambeau Field so their game can be played this Sunday. Many New York fans are wishing they could shovel snow onto their field so the Jets Sunday game could be cancelled.
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Baylor RB Lache Seastrunk told a reporter this week “I’m going to win the Heisman. I’m going to win it in 2013” Well, if he doesn’t win the award, Seastrunk is at least looking cocky enough to be drafted by the Dallas Cowboys.
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Olympic medalist Suzy Favor Hamilton has reportedly been working recently as a very high priced call girl. Sort of gives a whole new meaning to “going for the gold.”
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A new study from Columbia University Medical Center finds that being chronically stressed is as dangerous as smoking five cigarettes a day. Presumably even if you’re stressed from trying to quit smoking.
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Francisco Liriano, who was 6-12 with a 5.34 ERA in 2012, was signed to a 2 year, $14 million contract by the Pittsburgh Pirates. Wow. The only way such an ineffective performance like that is normally rewarded is by being re-elected to Congress.
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A recent Rasmussen poll has John Boehner replacing Nancy Pelosi as the most disliked member of Congress. If this keeps up, the Speaker may have Oompa Loompas accuse him of conduct detrimental to the image of Orange people.
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So in his “armed guards in schools” speech today, NRA Executive V.P Wayne LaPierre also indicated he wants to get rid of violent video games. Where’s the conservative outrage over too much potential government interference on this one?
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And just wondering, if we have armed employees at schools and they join the teachers’ unions, when do they become a special-interest group that is a drain on the economy. Or just plain old union thugs?
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While the gun debate rages on, in Pennsylvania a gunman injured three state troopers after shooting and killing three other people, including a woman at a church. So will the NRA call next week for armed guards at all churches?
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Top high school prospect Jarabi Parker is apparently being harrassed on Twitter over his decision to attend Duke (over BYU, Florida, Michigan State and Stanford). But come on folks, get a life, he’ll only be a Blue Devil for one year anyway….
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Great, so today Facebook was asking today “How are you feeling, Janice?” Then it asks “How’s it going, Janice?” Guess this answers that question – “Whatever happened to HAL?” Then at 11p on a Friday – “What’s happening, Janice?” Jeez, FB has gone from acting like HAL to spouting bad pickup lines?
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Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Congress jokes, Janice Hough, Jets jokes, John Boehner jokes, NFL jokes, NRA jokes, Suzy Favor jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
December 21, 2012
The world hasn’t ended. So you probably still have to go to work.
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And sorry Cubs fans, you’re going to be disappointed again next year.
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Facebook is testing an option where for $1 you can send a message to someone not on your network, and make sure it goes into their regular inbox. But no worries, those really annoying types many people try to avoid would never waste a whole dollar to reach someone.
I think both Democrats and Republicans can thank heaven this option is being tested after the Presidential election….
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Kim Kardashian is threatening to take her pictures off Instagram over their new photo-sharing policy. Finally, for the beleaguered company some good news….
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Peyton Manning led fan voting for the NFL Pro Bowl. Here’s an idea instead… how about letting Tim Tebow start at QB? It’s a meaningless game, he’s a fan favorite, and he’ll be rested and ready.
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NY Post headline “Tim Tebow’s love affair with the Jets is over.” Although fittingly for the avowed virgin quarterback, that affair was never really consummated.
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From T.C. “Tim Tebow may be headed for the CFL next year. Wait til he finds out that it’s not The Christian Football League.”
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President Obama is Time Magazine’s “Person of the Year.” If Mitt Romney, despite all the positions he took, had won the election, would Time have had to name him “People of the Year?
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Okay, it’s not as good as Senator Stephen Colbert, but South Carolina could have the most entertaining politics in the nation. Former Gov. Mark Sanford is planning to run for the seat that Senate appointee Tim Scott is vacating . Amongst possible opponents? Jenny Sanford, his ex-wife.
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John Boehner scrapped “Plan B” because he couldn’t get enough GOP votes. Why do I have a feeling that if Congressional salaries stopped as soon the US got within 2 weeks of the “fiscal cliff” that the Speaker would have a compromise with President Obama by now?
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Sarah Palin, unhappy with Barack Obama being chosen “Person of the Year” said of Time Magazine “I think there’s some irrelevancy there to tell you the truth.” Well, if anyone knows irrelevancy….
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Quote of the day from Incoming Texas State Rep. Kyle Kacal: “I’ve heard of people being killed playing pingpong—pingpongs are more dangerous than guns…. Flat-screen TVs are injuring more kids today than anything.” It’s enough to make you long for the intellectual brilliance of Rick Perry.
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At what point does President Obama get annoyed enough to propose new taxes only on millionaires and orange people?
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You know your Senator is getting old when…. Dianne Feinstein’s daughter Katherine Feinstein, who has been a SF superior court judge, is retiring.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: facebook jokes, fiscal cliff jokes, instagram jokes, Janice Hough, Tebow jokes, Tim Tebow jokes
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December 20, 2012
If we have to live in a world where crazy people can get rapid fire weapons they use for mass shootings, can someone at least make sure these homicidal maniacs have the address for and directions to the Westboro Baptist Church?
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A NASA spokesman says the agency is getting 200 to 300 people calling per day to ask about the end of the world. Darwin would be so proud.
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Note in very small print on bottom of Starbucks’ cup: “Caution, the beverage you are about to enjoy is extremely hot.” Wonder how many people turn the cup to its side to try to read the message, and spill the hot beverage on themselves….
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The Los Angeles Clippers have won 11 in a row. So how long until they get a season ticket request from Jack Nicholson?
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Buffalo Bills’ center Eric Wood says the team’s annual games in Toronto are “a joke.” Fans in Toronto who watched the Bills’ latest drubbing responded “Back at ya.”‘
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Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly won AP Coach of the Year. Stanford’s David Shaw was third. If the referees had correctly called that Stephan Taylor touchdown would the voting have been reversed?
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Time Magazine has chosen the President of the United States as “Man of the Year.” I blame Obama.
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The 49ers’ Colin Kaepernick was named the NFC’s offensive player of the week. Not to be confused with Mark Sanchez, who Jets fans consider the most offensive player this week.
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from Marc Ragovin: “So its Week 16 in the NFL, and the NY Jets have announced that they are benching Mark Sanchez. “What a brilliant move” said Week 4.”
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A new British-American study said that sleeping pills like Sonata and Ambien are of “questionable clinical importance” because half of their benefit may come from a placebo effect. Great, one more thing to lie awake worrying about.
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An unhappy Tim Tebow says he doesn’t understand why the Jets traded for him last March. That makes about 2,000,001 of us.
(and hey, makes sense to bench him if they were winning. But they sucked. At some point a rational man says “What the heck, how bad can it be?” This might be the mistake, assuming Ryan is rational.)
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, End of the world jokes, Janice Hough, Jets jokes, Mark Sanchez jokes, Mayan jokes, NY Jets jokes, sports jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
December 19, 2012
One way not to be stressed about this new Instagram policy – have absolutely no idea how to use Instagram.
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Somewhere, the Apple maps developer is giggling.
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49ers tight end Vernon Davis says that chemistry is “something that me and Kap (Colin Kaepernick) don’t have right now, but we’re working on it.” And he indicated the new SF QB is “kind of scared of my speed a little bit.” Who does Davis think he is? Terrell Owens?
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Someone called in an undisclosed threat in Newtown, CT, forcing district officials to keep an elementary school closed today. If police catch this guy can they sentence him to spent a week locked in a cage in the local cemetery near some of the children’s tombstones?
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Suri Cruise is apparently getting a $24,000 Grand Victorian Playhouse, complete with running water and electricity, for Christmas along with a $10,000 children’s toy Mercedes. Wonder how much Tom and Katie are setting aside for future counseling?
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The Jets are out, the Giants are now in a very tenuous position. Who’d a thunk the only football team in the New York-New Jersey area that ends up in the postseason might be Rutgers?
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How the mighty have fallen. ESPN all excited about a 101-100 home comeback win by the Los Angeles Lakers – against the Charlotte Bobcats?
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From Marc Ragovin: Commenting on the Lakers poor record this year, Kobe Bryant recently said “At this point I wish we had the Washington Generals on our schedule.” “Right back at ya,” said the coach of the Generals.
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The Atlanta Hawks needed overtime to top the Washington Wizards 100-95. Overtime to beat the Wizards? Shouldn’t that count in the standings for at best half a win?
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So on Saturday which retailer will start the first “After the end of the world sale?
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A Utah State football player was arrested and charged with misdemeanor battery and trespassing after his team’s bowl win last Saturday. So who says the “Famous Idaho Potato Bowl” hasn’t made the big time?
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NY Jets Rex Ryan is apparently frustrated enough with Mark Sanchez that he is thinking of starting Greg McElroy next week against San Diego. Gosh, if only the team had access to a QB with a history of winning.
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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg: “Times Square hookers offering a Holiday Mark Sanchez special; for an extra $50, they’ll really really suck.”
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In the wake of Sandy Hook, some gun advocates now want to arm teachers. Right, let’s put guns in the hands of them all…including those without enough common sense to know it’s not a good idea to sleep with their students…
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: instagram jokes, Mark Sanchez jokes, NBA jokes, New York Jets jokes, Tim Tebow jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
December 18, 2012
A Visa poll found that 16% of Americans have not started their Christmas shopping yet.
These people are called “men.”
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What many people were sure of before this season: Tim Tebow is not an NFL level quarterback. What even more people are sure of now: Neither is Mark Sanchez.
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The Detroit Tigers re-signed Anibal Sanchez to a 5-year, $80 million contract, and GM Dave Dombrowski said “He’s in the prime of his career.” Well, except how do you really know when the prime of someone’s career is? Usually when he’s past it.
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One good thing for New York sports fans Monday night… the Jets knocked the Giants’ lousy performance Sunday right off the front of the sports page.
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Dina Manfredini, 115, died less than two weeks after becoming the “world’s oldest living person”. Well, that might be the only title with a shorter average life expectancy than being #3 in Al Qaeda.
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Awful that he needed to do this. Awesome that he did it. Tennessee Titans RB Chris Johnson wrote the names of all the victims at Sandy Hook school on his shoes for the MNF game tonight.
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Well, slowly our nation is returning to normal. Saw the first headlines in a few days purporting to have the all-important scoop that this time, Jennifer Aniston really is pregnant.
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So it didn’t work out for Colbert. But maybe Hawaii’s governor can now appoint Jon Stewart to the Senate.
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Bears LB Brian Urlacher complained yesterday about Chicago fans booing the team at home. Uh, Brian, there’s a way for the team to stop that….it’s called “playing better.” (or if you will, “sucking less.)
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Carolina Panthers coach Ron Rivera said he’s not sure if his resurgent 5-9 team’s latest 31 to 7 win over San Diego will save his job. Many Chargers fans are just hoping the game costs Norv Turner his.
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Pete Carroll ran a fake punt when his Seahawks were up 30 points yesterday on Buffalo. Did the now-Seattle coach think he was back at USC playing Stanford?
For those who say the Sandy Hook massacre might have been prevented if the teachers had guns to defend themselves – yeah, that worked out so well for the shooter’s mother.
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-“Our Bill of Rights does not guarantee gun manufacturers the absolute right to sell military-style, high-caliber, semi-automatic combat assault rifles with high-capacity magazines to whoever the hell they want.” This morning from that commie-pinko Joe Scarborough….
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Janice Hough, Jets jokes, Mark Sanchez jokes, shopping jokes, sports jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
December 17, 2012
Roger Goodell has to be breathing a sigh of relief with the SF 49ers’ win tonight: One week closer to the Seattle Seahawks not voting a Division Winner’s share to the replacement refs.
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The 49ers won 41-31 after blowing a 31-3 in the second half. now 31-24. San Francisco fans had to wonder if they were watching the last two quarters of the game or a Movie-of-the-Week showing of the Titanic?
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Got to love the NFL, a number of games with playoff implications on now and those of us in Northern California got Chiefs-Raiders? It’s as if say, a top-ten Bowl Matchup was on and arbitrarily some of us only got the Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl.
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Missed the post game news conference, so how much did Gisele Bundchen complain about her husband’s Patriot teammates?
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Meanwhile, watching Big Ben against the Dallas Cowboys was kind of like watching Notre Dame against USC. Had to root for a tie. (missed it by THAT much.)
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Wonder if before the Miami Dolphins-Jacksonville Jaguars game if both teams were told the winner might have the chance to join the SEC?
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So do the Redskins really not need RG3 after all. Or are the Cleveland Browns just that bad?
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An usher was shaken up today during the Rams-Vikings when after a touchdown catch St. Louis WRs Danny Amendola spiked the ball and it hit him in the face. Well, at least ushers in Arizona who work for the Cardinals know they are safe.
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So since the NY Jets have this week’s MNF game, Tim Tebow has Sunday off. Which actually isn’t much different than any weekend he’s been on the Jets roster.
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I am clearly missing part of the “girly” gene. Just saw an ad for “Jimmy Choo” perfume. And thinking “Why would you want to smell like a shoe?”
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A thought about the Dodgers and Angels stockpiling high-priced talent: The Detroit Tigers went into the World Series with the league MVP and the best pitcher in baseball. And how did that work out for them?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 49er jokes, football jokes, Jets jokes, NFL jokes, Patriots jokes
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December 16, 2012
It is possible that we who are in favor of gun control have it wrong as far as stopping mass killings. Maybe we should be looking at regulating young white men.
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Would those who consider the Second Amendment as literal gospel be willing to consider a government program whereby automatic weapons would be turned in and exchanged for muskets?
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A Bushmaster .223 Semiautomatic Rifle with a 30-round magazine…. So who exactly needs one for self-defense or hunting?
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No comment, – apparently the Sandy Hook shooter’s mother thought she needed the guns for self-defense.
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Back to distraction…
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So who’s enjoying the Los Angeles Lakers’ woeful start more. Former coach Mike Brown, or fans of Dwight Howard’s former team, the Orlando Magic?
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Domino’s Pizza founder Tom Monaghan is suing the federal government because he objects to the requirement mandating contraception coverage in his company’s healthcare plan. Wonder how other employers feel about covering health related issues resulting from eating Domino’s Pizza.
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N. Joseph Woodland, the inventor of the bar code, has died at the age of 91. Can we assume that at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter will soon be updating that clipboard?
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Two college bowls down. Thirty-three to go. Once again, the holidays are are about pacing yourself…
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December 15 started Capital One Bowl Week, which runs until January 7. And they wonder why many football players are bad at math.
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The SF Giants won the World Series, Stanford’s going to the Rose Bowl, the SF 49ers are going to the playoffs, and even the Golden State Warriors are winning. Anyone checked the Northern California water supply for PEDs?
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Nothing to make you feel old like having Saturday Night Live announce a future musical guest and you not only don’t like their music, you have no idea who the act is.
The Toronto Raptors’ Andrea Bargnani told an Italian newspaper that the Raptors are “pretty much the worst team in the NBA.” Responded the Washington Wizards: “Who are we, chopped liver?”
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Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: bowl game jokes, healthcare jokes, NBA jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
December 14, 2012
Statement we can agree on? “Violent crazy people should not have assault weapons.” Here’s the problem. Since often it’s impossible to tell in advance who is a violent crazy person and who is just odd and/or a danger only to themselves, the only way to make the statement more true is to get rid of or limit assault weapons.
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Meanwhile, okay, for those who like to quote the Constitution and amendments: “A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.”
Okay, can we at least work on the “well-regulated” part?
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Wow, just wow. Mike Huckabee, from whom I would have expected better: “We ask why there is violence in our schools, but we have systematically removed God from our schools. Should we be so surprised that schools would become a place of carnage?” Uh right, because there has never been violence or killing in the name of religion….
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Leaving the political humor for a day. But a few lighter thoughts.
And in the midst of evil there is sometimes just plain old fashioned stupidity. Like ESPN commentator Rob Parker, fired for saying of RG3 that “Is he a brother, or is he a cornball brother. He’s kind of black, but he’s not really”
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And another relatively unimportant (but bipartisan) distraction. The NY Jets – SD Chargers game has been moved to 1p December 23, while the SF 49ers – Seattle Seahawks now play Sunday night. The story says “The 6-7 Jets and 5-8 Chargers was not the attractive matchup the network thought it would be before the season.” Uh, yeah, you can say that again.
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The 2012 New York Yankees have been hit with an $18.9 million MLB luxury tax. $18.9 million?! Or as the 2013 Los Angeles Dodgers will refer to it “chump change.”
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From T.C. “Washington State has legalized marijuana. Advocates say “it’s about time, but they should have passed this law a long time ago”….. Like when Twinkies were still available. ”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough
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December 14, 2012
Jenna Bush, daughter of George W. Bush, is pregnant. So it will be about 2058 when the child first runs for President? Hope it’s a girl.
Former President Bush is so excited about the future grandchild, W”s offered to share with the kid his favorite crayons.
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After Susan Rice withdrew her name from consideration for Secretary of State, John McCain issued a statement saying he “wishes her well.” Of course, Senator McCain may have already forgotten why he was against Rice in the first place.
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Rutgers has suspended men’s basketball coach Mike Rice for 3 games and fined him $50,000 for “inappropriate behavior and language.” In New Jersey? Really?! Something tells me this kind of sanction will never apply to the Governor’s office.
(Maybe Rice took that “Secrets of Great Coaching from Bobby Knight” manual a little too seriously.)
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Susan Rice has withdrawn her name from consideration as Secretary of State. Hey, now that Hillary’s staying home in the U.S., wonder if Bill Clinton would be interested in the job?
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Now that marijuana is legal in their states wonder how many people in Colorado and Washington are excited about today being 12-12-12?
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Josh Hamilton has signed a $125 million, 5 year deal with the Angels. What, were the Dodgers asleep?
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So the Angels signed Josh Hamilton, and the Giants signed Andres Torres. Well, one of those guys has proven he can be part of a World Series winning team.
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Rumor has it that Republican Chuck Hagel may be President Obama’s nomination as the next secretary of defense. Waiting for John McCain to object on principle
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The latest for Lindsay Lohan, she is $16k behind on her storage locker payments, and risks having her possessions put up for auction. Hmm, I see a new reality show: “Celebrity Storage Wars.”
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Arizona Governor Jan Brewer, term limited out in 2014, is thinking of a legal challenge so she can run again. So these executive orders she is so fond of that enforce Arizona laws don’t apply to blondes?
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The CALM act, a new law, sponsored by Democrat Anna Eshoo, goes into effect today. It prevents TV commercials from being blared at louder volumes than their accompanying programs. So will Republicans start turning the ads up louder as a protest against government interference?
Bode Miller’s wife Morgan is recovering with 50 stitches in her face after her husband hit her with a 160 mph golf tee shot. And Elin Nordegren said “Why didn’t I think of that?”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Jenna Bush jokes, Lindsay Lohan jokes, McCain jokes, Susan Rice jokes
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December 13, 2012
The Pope is on Twitter. So is #Hell now a #Hashtag?
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So with the Vatican now on Twitter can Catholics tweet their confessions?
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The Golden State Warriors upset the Miami Heat 97-95 with a buzzer beating layup. Which would be important. If any regular-season game were EVER important.
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Ah, family values, and preserving the sanctity of the traditional marriage: Track Palin, Sarah’s oldest son, has filed for divorce after 19 months of marriage, to the mother of his 16 month old daughter. Should we blame the states that have allowed gay marriage?
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Texas Tech hired former QB Kliff Kingsbury, 33, as their new head FB coach. To put that in perspective, Brandon Weeden was only 5 years younger in 2011 when he was QB at Oklahoma State.
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Amazing…. Apparently when Barbara Walters interviewed Hillary Clinton as part of her “Most Fascinating People of 2012,” one of the questions was about her hair. Wonder why no one ever asks Joe Biden the same question.
John Boehner said Congress should not make Holiday plans, and that Obama’s latest fiscal cliff proposal can’t pass the House or the Senate. Uh, before we get all Grinchy, Mr. Speaker, could we actually TRY a vote? You know, democracy where majority rules and all that?
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The last batch of Hostess Twinkies hit the shelves today. While Twinkie fans may have to hurry before the sweet treats sell out, on a brighter note any extra stash can probably be willed to their grandchildren..
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Pittsburgh Steelers RB Rashard Mendenhall’s has received a one-game suspension for not showing up for last week’s game. Does that mean the NFL may similarly suspend all of the Arizona Cardinals?
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Lindsay Lohan’s probation has been revoked and so she has to head back to court in Los Angeles in January. Where no doubt the judge will give her another suspended sentence and a very stern warning.
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New Lakers coach Mike D’Antoni told a reporter “You’re starting to piss me off.” Funny, that’s exactly what Los Angeles fans are thinking about the team.
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Just saw an online ad for holiday gifts including a “unicorn horn for cats.” Wonder if the instructions to attach said horn to a cat come complete with bandages, antibiotic ointment, and the phone numbers of local urgent care clinics.
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So now that 12:12p on 12-12-12 has passed, what are people going to do to waste time for the rest of the week?
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For everyone bummed that such a fun date to write is over, cheer up, it’s only 760 days until 12-13-14.
And as my friend James Brady says, “Only 335 days to 11-12-13.
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From my friend Alex Kaseberg: “Thought the Encino mall Santa was in the Christmas spirit when he yelled; “Ho, ho, ho.” Turns out he was saying hi to the Kardashian sisters.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Lindsay Lohan jokes, Los Angeles Lakers jokes, Pope twitter jokes
Comments: 5 Comments
December 12, 2012
The date? Or the total of the Los Angeles Lakers’ scoring not counting Kobe Bryant?
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Open note to Los Angeles comics who don’t pay regular attention to the NBA: Take out all your old Lakers and Clippers jokes. Reverse the punchlines. You’ll be fine.
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So the Wizards won again, and the Lakers lost to the Cavaliers. What did that Mayan calendar say again?
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Three “words”. Mike Brown LOL.
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A former cast member from A&E’s “Storage Wars” is claiming some of the valuable items found in abandoned storage lockers were planted by the show’s producers. Gosh. Next thing, someone will be casting doubt on the reality of those Housewives.
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In the midst of a labor dispute, Cathay Pacific flight crews are threatening that that if the carrier doesn’t negotiate, they may stop serving alcohol and smiling at passengers during the Christmas holidays. In other words, start acting like they work for a U.S. carrier.
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Former NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue overturned the “bounty gate” suspensions of 4 current and former Saints players. Interesting timing – a couple days after New Orleans was basically eliminated from the playoffs.
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Donna Summer, Heart and Randy Newman in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?! Okay, good for them. But if it’s the Disco/Pop Music/Soundtrack Hall of Fame, then it’s time to induct the Carpenters. (seriously.)
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Regarding Congress and the fiscal cliff, apparently a majority of Americans prefer higher taxes. But if they really got an honest answer it might be that 20% want the Dems to win, 10% want the GOP to win, and 70% want all of Congress to go over that cliff together.
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Rick Perry this week: “To be clear, my goal is to make abortion, at any stage, a thing of the past.” And this guy was just one, two…, uh, I can’t remember how many reasons away from being the 2012 GOP Presidential nominee.
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Gary M, with some perspective on Pete Carroll’s great year so far with the Seattle Seahawks, “At USC he didn’t have to deal with a salary cap.”
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Commie pinko thought of the night: Yeah I know. “Guns don’t kill people. People kill people.” But people with assault weapons kill a lot more people.
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Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: fiscal cliff jokes, Lakers jokes, Los Angeles Lakers jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
December 11, 2012
In a recent survey, San Francisco was voted the second-smartest city in the U.S., finishing behind Boston. Well, except that folks from San Francisco are smart enough not to run losing campaigns for President.
Starbucks sold 5,000 limited-edition stainless steel gift cards for $450 each, which were loaded with just $400 in Starbucks credit. Now some of the cards are selling on EBay for over $1000. Because nothing says I like paying too much for fancy coffee like an overpriced gift card?
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The Colts, Seahawks, and yes, even the Redskins have a good chance of all making the playoffs in 2012. So can we get rid of the rumor that rookie QB’s can’t lead an NFL team?
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Interesting, at this point it looks like Stanford will have more people attending the Rose Bowl than attending most of this year’s home games.
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Many Americans are wondering now who will be Time Magazine’s “Person of the Year.” Of course many in the younger generation are wondering “What’s ‘Time Magazine.’?”‘
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Some stories this morning trying to make a big deal out of the fact that Andrew Cuomo refused to endorse Hillary Clinton for President in 2016. Suppose it’s too much to ask that we at least not start the next campaign until after Obama’s second inauguration.
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So after Pete Carroll’s Seattle Seahawks demolished the Arizona Cardinals 58-0, wonder if Jim Harbaugh sent him a text asking “So what’s YOUR deal?”
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My friend Tony Alan Banks says “Many people are surprised by the success of the Seattle Seahawks. Not me, I watched as Pete Carroll coached professional football players here at USC.”
(but hey, isn’t it nice to see Pete can do as well with less highly paid talent?)
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A Santa in Toronto, Canada has been fired after told a 3 year old boy wearing a Maple Leafs hat that his team sucked. Presumably the man is now fielding several offers from stores on the North Side of Chicago.
(and moreover, this time Santa Claus was wrong. This year so far the Leafs do not suck.)
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The 37 year old Arizona man was a co-winner in the Nov. 28 Powerball lottery says he took the one-time payout of $192 million because of the potential upcoming fiscal cliff. Right. Now there’s someone who really has to worry about a tax increase.
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The Los Angeles Dodgers new ownership has now committed $650 million to players under contract. Forget “The Boys of Summer,” we’re now approaching “The Billionaire Boys Club.”
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Former Arkansas coach Bobby Petrino has now been hired at Western Kentucky. While NFL players are restricted from all sorts of things, wonder if Petrino will be the first coach to be banned from getting on a motorcycle. Or at least from riding with a passenger.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Dodgers jokes, Janice Hough, Person of the Year jokes, Pete Carroll jokes. Starbucks jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
December 10, 2012
Lindsay Lohan is apparently having problems making her $8000 a month Beverly Hills rent payments. On a brighter note, the way she is going with arrests, Lindsay is likely soon to be in free government paid housing.
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RG3 said today he “screamed” when he hurt his knee. And then added “Like a man, of course.” What? Of course maybe he meant that a woman would be too tough to scream.
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Not saying the Los Angeles Dodgers are spending rather lavishly but the latest “Show a little restraint” comment comes from the Yankees.
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A thought about the musical chairs game that NCAA football coaching has become. There are at least 4-5 schools going to bowls without the coaches that took them there. What about a rule saying that no coaches can change jobs until AFTER the BCS championship game?
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So Cincinnati, which lost Brian Kelly to Notre Dame and Butch Jones to Tennessee, has snatched Tommy Tuberville from Texas Tech as their new football coach. So is this part of Tuberville’s plan to get back to coaching in the SEC in a few years.?
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The Rolling Stones had their first U.S. stop Saturday night on their 50th anniversary tour. At one point Mick Jagger said to the crowd “”People say, why do you keep doing this?” Wonder if the real answer is “Not sure… we can’t remember.”
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The Dodgers are about to sign Zack Greinke for six years and $147 million? Somewhere Clayton Kershaw is just giggling.
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Meanwhile in Los Angeles, former Lakers’ coach Mike Brown is laughing out loud.
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The election is over but many conservatives still love to chant the mantra “Solyndra.” Wonder why we never heard them do the same with “Halliburton?” Or for those with longer memories – “Enron.”
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Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez says his cancer has returned. Wonder how long until he blames this on the United States?
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From T.C. “Brandon Marshall says that NFL players are using Viagra as a PED. Imagine when a coach calls time out and demands a measurement. What do you mean I’m an inch short! ”
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Trivia question for the day:
Which are the three teams that will be in their third straight BCS bowl this January?
Answer ( none of them from the SEC) : Oregon, Wisconsin and Stanford.
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: BCS jokes, college football jokes, Dodgers jokes, Lakers jokes, Lindsay Lohan jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
December 8, 2012
Except for the Army-Navy game, there were no college matchups games this weekend. So fans of high-level amateur football will just have to wait for the Jets-Jaguars game on Sunday.
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NY coach Rex Ryan says Tim Tebow, who has been sidelined with broken ribs, may play this week as in practice he “did a lot more on the field than he had in previous weeks.” Well, looking at the Jets recently “doing a lot more on the field” on Sunday is setting the bar pretty low.
Yeah, the NBA season is pretty meaningless in many ways, but over one week into December how many people had the Golden State Warriors significantly ahead of the Los Angeles Lakers?
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Not a joke, Pizza Hut has actually responded to requests with a limited edition “Eau de Pizza Hut” perfume, which smells of baked pizza dough and herbs. But it’s already sold out. Bad news for women who REALLY want a scent a man can’t resist.
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Many Americans probably weren’t even aware that Friday was Pearl Harbor Day, I suppose we should be glad at least that no one was using it as an excuse for a sale.
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So the U.S. Supreme Court is going to hear a case on gay marriage. After the Court’s Citizens United ruling maybe it’s time for a new tactic – i.e. if people and corporations are legally equivalent, well, then, corporate mergers have always been gender-neutral….
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According to his lawyer, Jerry Sandusky is unhappy with his solitary confinement and wants a change, believing he would be safe in the prison’s general population. Okay by me!
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Florida socialite Jill Kelley, whose complaints about threatening emails from Paula Broadwell helped break the General Petraeus scandal, reportedly is shopping a tell-all book as “payback” for the “humiliation” she has suffered. “I’d be really excited to read that” said absolutely no one.
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A worker at a New Mexico Albertson’s found a handgun and ammunition packed in a carton of frozen ribs. According to police, the meat came from the Swift Packing Plant in Greeley, Colo, marked June 8, 2011. What’s scarier – , a gun with the ribs, or the fact the meat was packed a year and a half ago?
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South Carolina governor Nikki Haley is apparently not amused by a Twitter campaign pushing her to appoint Stephen Colbert as Senator to replace Jim DeMint. But seriously, looking at some of these unfunny clowns…could Colbert do any worse?
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Serious thought -when is the NFL going to make “cars and drivers,” or at least taxis, mandatory for players? Heck, the cost for a season would be less than one fine for a late hit, or wearing a baseball cap.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Lakers jokes, New York Jets jokes, Sandusky jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
December 7, 2012
Uh, really? This from “One Million Moms,” about the latest J C Penney cute holiday commercial: “A new JCP ad features Ellen (Degeneres) and three elves. JCP has made their choice to offend a huge majority of their customers again. Christians must now vote with their wallets.” And somewhere Jesus is probably thinking “Don’t lay this on me, morons, I love Ellen.”
(and actually, “One Million Moms” is reputedly an organization of about 40,000.)
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Jim DeMint is resigning his South Carolina Senate seat to take over as president of the Heritage Foundation. According to Charitywatch.org, the salary for the position is currently $1,172,321. No wonder DeMint didn’t want to raise taxes on the super rich. He’s about to become super rich.
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Rumors that some are trying to draft Stephen Colbert to run for senate in Jim DeMints’ place. Well, it sure would increase ratings for C-Span.
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The Yankees have apparently offered Kevin Youkilis a 1-year, $12 million deal. If he signs, expect an economic stimulus in Boston, as t-shirt vendors dig up those old traitor-Judas patterns they used for Damon.
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A Florida man was arrested after he told police he left a pit bull to watch a 10 month old baby while he went to a bar to drink beer. Scary thing, the dog was probably more responsible than the man.
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Some Americans who don’t like reading about the British Royal family don’t like the idea of people being important just because of an accident of birth. But hey, how’s that George W. Bush library going?
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Gay marriage and marijuana smoking are now legal in Washington. So get ready for some fabulous high times!
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Esquire Magazine has come out with a list of “Gifts under $25 that don’t suck.” Of course, if you choose any of them from the list, your recipients may now know you’re both unimaginative and cheap.
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Can’t understand how football players get the reputation for being neanderthals: Vikings LB Chad Greenway told a local paper that fans should get “super-duper drunk” Sunday to help Minnesota’s home-field advantage against the Bears- “Yeah I would say morning drinking. Why not? You could pull an all-nighter. Then you’d have the drunk, tired guys who will really be obnoxious.”
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Anna Gristina, known as New York’s “Hockey Mom Madam” says she is going to start naming client names, including some from the NFL. Well, not sure how their wives might feel, but on some level the idea that NFL players actually pay for consensual sex is better than many alternatives…
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NBA Commisioner David Stern defends his $250,000 fine of the Spurs for sending 3 stars home because the “club went beyond what owners agreed was a reasonable approach to resting healthy players”. Uh, one, does anyone think if San Antonio wasn’t playing Miami on TV that Stern would have noticed. And two, the Spurs still almost beat the Heat.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: DeMint jokes, Ellen jokes, NBA jokes, NFL jokes
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December 5, 2012
Olivia Newton-John and John Travolta have reunited for a Christmas album and are appearing together to talk about “Grease,” which was 34 years ago. Of course, now the song starts “I’ve got chills, aches, a little fever, and did i tell you about my arthritis….?
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New York City Mayor Bloomberg reportedly suggested to Hillary Clinton that when she steps down as Secretary of State she should consider running for his job, which of course would allow her to stay close to home for a change. And Bill Clinton is thinking “Michael, what did I ever do to you?”
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Penn State is investigating their Chi Omega sorority after they posted an offensive Mexican party photo with members wearing fake mustaches and signs saying things like “Will mow lawn for weed and beer.” Tacky and insensitive for sure, but good to see the university acting fast when it’s something REALLY important
Just a thought, if President Obama really wants to get down and dirty with John Boehner over working out a deal, maybe he should propose a major new surcharge on tanning booths.
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While on a hunting trip this year, apparently Robin Yount accidentally hit Cubs manager Dale Sveum with shrapnel from a pellet gun. Gosh, never knew Yount had ambitions to run for vice president.
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Apparently irony is not in this man’s dictionary: Grover Norquist on President Obama – “he thinks somebody made him King,” and doesn’t know ‘where he stands in the universe.”
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Rex Ryan says he’s sticking with Mark Sanchez. Frustrated New York fans wonder how long the Jets will be sticking with Rex Ryan
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Kristin Cavallari is now confessing that most of the arguments and relationship on her former reality show “The Hills” were fake. Wow, next thing we know someone will be questioning the integrity of professional wrestling.
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Texting is 20 years old. Hard to imagine. This means in 1992 for college students to set up a booty call, they actually had to call.
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The Pope now has a Twitter account. Amazing how the Catholic Church is willing to change and adapt in the 21st century when it comes to technology but not with little things like women priests, celibacy, birth control….
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Starbucks announced plans to offer $450 stainless steel gift card.. Wow. That’s enough for at least a dozen lattes.
Cal just hired Louisiana Tech’s Sonny Dykes as their new football coach. And of course I am sure the Stanford band will treat his his coming from Louisiana, and his name with the utmost respect and decorum next year at halftime..
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Clinton jokes, fiscal cliff jokes, Grease jokes, Janice Hough, Penn State jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
December 4, 2012
And for BCS bound Northern Illinois and Wisconsin, no coaches either.
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Northern Illinois coach Dave Doeren got his team to the Orange Bow but left for NC State, now Wisconsin coach Bret Bielema is going to Arkansas, probably before the Rose Bowl. And Notre Dame’s Brian Kelly left Cincinnati before their Sugar Bowl. Can’t understand why some players don’t understand how it’s all about the team.
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Open note to now-former Wisconsin football coach Bret Bielema, who has taken the job at Arkansas: In the SEC you can’t count on getting into a BCS bowl because two other teams in your conference are on probation.
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A Wisconsin judge, Tim Boyle, ordered a father of 9 who is over $100,000 behind on child support payments not to have any more children until he can support them. Can we put this judge on the Supreme Court? Or at least make him commissioner of the NBA?
New York City Mayor Bloomberg reportedly suggested to Hillary Clinton that when she steps down as Secretary of State she should consider running for his job, which of course would allow her to stay close to home for a change. And Bill Clinton is thinking “Michael, what did I ever do to you?”
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RG3 was in a courtside seat tonight at the Heat-Wizards game. Final score, Miami 100-Washington 105?!! Is there nothing that man can’t do?
Adds Nick Coombs, “Third straight win for the Wizards against the Heat… can’t wait for David Stern to fine the Heat for this one.”
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And we thought this presidential election had enough fun with Mitt’s dog on the roof and Biden’s gaffes. Now comes the story that Fox’s Roger Ailes was pushing General Petraeus to enter the race….
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President Obama is considering naming Vogue editor Anna Wintour, allegedly profiled in “The Devil Wears Prada,” as ambassador to the U.K. What, he figures Mitt Romney didn’t manage to offend the English enough this summer during the Olympics….?
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Ad from British Airways for their “One World” alliance “Over the last two years we flew more than 25 million passengers across the Atlantic Ocean.” Presumably at least 10 million of them with their luggage.
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A thought from my friend Michael McNabb on a headline about Kate Middleton’s pregnancy – “Royal Baby To Be Last Person On Earth To See Mother’s Breasts.”
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Groaner alert:
There are reports that the New Orleans Hornets could be renamed the “Pelicans” by next season. To paraphrase an old verse, “A wonderful team are the Pelicans. But make the playoffs? We don’t know how in the hell-we-can.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: BCS jokes, Clinton jokes, Kate Middleton jokes, Wisconsin jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
Left Coast Sports Babe 