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Cry me a river… Seine?

January 15, 2013

Lance Armstrong was reportedly in tears when he talked to his Livestrong staff today. So maybe he confessed, or maybe this is just the first step towards a new goal of becoming Speaker of the House.

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Lance Armstrong apparently confessed his doping to Oprah in an interview taped today at a downtown Austin hotel. Wonder if the 7-time Tour de France winner stopped on the way at a stable to close the door and look for escaped horses.

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Three straight wins for the Washington Wizards?! Quick, someone test for PEDs.

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USC has fired their head coach. Trojan fans were sorry to hear it was for men’s basketball, and not Lane Kiffin.

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Coca Cola is running a new anti-obesity ad. Isn’t that like John Boehner doing an ad on the dangers of tanning booths? Or John Edwards and Mark Sanford doing a bipartisan ad defending marriage

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Ann Romney turned down a chance to be a contestant on “Dancing With the Stars.” Wonder if Ann was afraid she would hurt Mitt’s feelings if she won a national election.

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The San Francisco Police Dept. said there were 92 people ejected from the 49ers playoff game Saturday, and 25 people more arrested for public intoxication. Responded Oakland Raiders fans -“Amateurs.”

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Major League Baseball will allow interpreters on the mound this year to translate managers and coaches for their pitchers. Think maybe next the league will allow interpreters into the broadcast booth to translate Tim McCarver into less pretentious English?

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Gov. Jan Brewer says now Arizona will agree to the Medicaid expansion that is part of Obamacare, saying that if she did not accept the Medicaid funds, other states would. Of course, it’s only wasteful government spending if it doesn’t benefit me.

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A former Mafia underboss is saying that Jimmy Hoffa is buried in Detroit. Presumably somewhere that didn’t get a lot of traffic, like the Lions’ end zone.

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MLB’s rules committee may declare this year that the fake-to-third, throw-to-first pickoff move is a balk. Well, not like it caught anyone but Barry Bonds anyway.

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Since they’ve already cancelled so many NHL games why don’t they just declare the entire season at this point one big playoff and go from there?

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Golden girl?

January 14, 2013

Hollywood is abuzz about Jodie Foster’s semi-coming out speech at  the Golden Globes speech tonight.  Which really was about as shocking  a bombshell will have to wait for Lance Armstrong’s confession will be to Oprah.

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Forget the controversy over whether or not “Zero Dark Thirty” needs a disclaimer…. no one’s going to top Amy Poehler’s line on director Kathryn Bigelow. ““When it comes to torture, I trust the woman who spent three years married to James Cameron.”

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If any woman didn’t already have enough reasons to love Hugh Jackman, hard to beat closing an award acceptance speech by telling your wife she is ALWAYS right.

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Saw “Argo” Sunday.  I’m no film critic. But hard to believe there were really five directors who did a better job in 2012 than Ben Affleck.  (And apparently the Hollywood Foreign Press agrees with me.)

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The NY Mets apparently are taking a look at erstwhile SF Giants closer Brian Wilson. What’s more optimistic – that Wilson will return to form after his second Tommy John surgery? Or that the Mets will have games to close?

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In Paris, hundreds of thousands of people marched to protest the French president’s plan to allow gay couples to marry and adopt children. And this is the country that ridicules the U.S. for making a big deal of politicians who have mistresses?

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The world’s oldest person, Koto Okubo, 115, died Saturday in Japan. The best part of this story – she had lived in the same nursing home as one of her sons.

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Who knows what next week will bring . But Atlanta Falcons may have set a record today for survival after serious self-asphyxiation.

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Denver Broncos thought they were the biggest NFL choke story of the year. Turns out they were barely the biggest choke story of the weekend.

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49ers fans may not like the prospect of going to Atlanta, but SF Bay Area fans sure had to enjoy the look on Pete Carroll’s face at the end of the Falcons-Seahawks game.

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Colin Powell said today on “Meet the Press” that he’s still a member of the Republican Party. The questions is whether some GOP members of Congress can honestly say the same thing.

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Nate Silver predicted that the Seattle Seahawks would be in the Super Bowl. Maybe Pete Carroll should have consulted with Silver as to whether he thought the odds favored icing the Falcons’ field goal kicker.

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January 13 was apparently the 12th annual “No Pants Subway Ride” day around the world. Which means for those in the know that  January 14 will be the 12th annual “Stand Up Instead of Sitting on the Subway Seats” day.

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From Bill Littlejohn:    “Callers to 9-1-1 in Virginia reported seeing a lion that turned out to be a dog.  Detroit fans can certainly identify.”

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Not dead, sleeping?

January 13, 2013

There are rumors that Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez is actually dead. Even so he might be more effective than the U.S Congress.

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So how did the Broncos somehow snatch defeat out of the jaws of victory tonight? Is it just possible that maybe God doesn’t want Tim Tebow disrespected?

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A New York City school bus strike could start Wednesday and might keep 152,000 children from getting to class. Talk about a way to turn impressionable young minds into union sympathizers.

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So after almost a month of post-season football I’m confused, which playoff game is sponsored by Poulan Weed-Eater?

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Just once would like to see a defensive player flagged for pass interference indicate “Yeah, you caught me” as opposed to the injured innocence “Who, me?” –
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Even Doug Flutie is thinking that Flacco pass  was unbelievable.Beyonce apparently is now releasing a sonogram of her pregnancy with Blue Ivy. Enough to make you long for the innocent old days of wardrobe malfunctions.
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Theo Epstein says the Chicago Cubs don’t want to be known as “loveable losers.” So he’s going to have them stop being loveable?
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Wells Fargo posted a record profit in its 2012 fourth quarter. You know what that means- banking fees are going up.
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Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, who resigned after the fallout from his extramarital affair, will announce that he will run in a special election for a House seat. Amongst his likely opponents, Sanford’s ex-wife Jenny. Now there’s a debate I’d pay to watch.
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The Toronto Blue Jays have signed catcher Henry Blanco, 41 to a 1-year $750,000 non-guaranteed contract. “Only one year? Give the young man some time to develop,” said Jamie Moyer.
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So who did Peyton Manning think he was at the end near the end of that Ravens-Broncos game?  Brett Favre?
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The White House has responded to petitions from Americans in several states asking permission to secede, saying the Supreme Court confirmed the “Constitution, in all its provisions, looks to an indestructible Union composed of indestructible States.” In short, “no”. But really, would it kill us to lose Florida?
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Gary M. on the Kobe-Vanessa Bryant reconciliation – “They likely just sat down and hashed everything out over a couple of DeBeers.”

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Can we handle the truth?

January 12, 2013

USA Today says that Lance Armstrong will admit to doping in his interview with Oprah Winfrey. What’s Oprah’s next scoop…getting Joan Rivers to admit she’s had work done?

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Kobe Bryant and his estranged wife Vanessa have reconciled. Men want the name of Kobe’s lawyer. Women want the name of his jeweler.

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Okay, so he was talking about the struggles of the Lakers vs. those of the Heat.   But Lebron James’ direct quote was “No one will ever be able to compare to what we went through.” Proving that color is no barrier to “white people problems”

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Anyone but me have a problem with the NRA’s plan to arm people that many of their constituency consider union thugs?

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Three juniors from Alabama have announced they will leave school early to enter the NFL Draft. It’s not just the money, the players figure football will be much less stressful without worrying about not going to class.

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.The Dallas Cowboys have hired Monte Kiffin as their defensive coordinator. USC Trojans fans are just hoping Monte will try to bring his son with him.

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In the Ohio House, Rep. Peter Beck faces an ethics investigation due to a civil lawsuit alleging he participated in a fraud that cheated investors out of more than $1 million. But Speaker William Batchelder still appointed King chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee. Guess this translates, “If you have the Means, we will find a Way.”

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You can’t make this stuff up: Airline traveler asks if he can have an exit row seat for his mother as she has a hard time moving around and needs the legroom.

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Georgia Rep. Phil Gingrey, an OB-GYN, said Todd Akin was “partly right” when he said women’s bodies can avoid pregnancy in cases of “legitimate rape,” because adrenaline can cause you not to ovulate. Forget this women’s bodies shutting down stuff, what can we do to get some men’s mouths to shut down?

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After the HOF vote Roger Clemens tweeted that he wasn’t “overly surprised” but thanking his supporters and ending the statement “Muchie Peachie.” “Muchie Peachie?!” OK, steroids don’t just shrink your testicles, they turn you into a 10 yr old girl.

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For $100, Facebook users can send a message to Mark Zuckerberg’s inbox. Wonder how much they charge to have him read it?

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Phil Jackson said the Lakers might have a “come to Jesus moment” to make the playoffs. Maybe, but more like a Jesus moment involving Lazarus.

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Anyone needing a reason to try turning into “Nashville” on Wednesday nights, try this line, when one singer accuses another of hating her -“”I only hate sunburns and hangovers, this is just business.”

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Nate Silver is now predicting the Seattle Seahawks will make the Super Bowl. Of course real brilliance would have been to make that prediction in September.

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How do they get that “dumb jock” image?

January 11, 2013

Oakland Raiders LB Rolando McClain was cited in Georgia for overly dark tinted car windows. But he signed the citation “F*ck y’all,” and told the officer it was his real name.   McClain was then arrested for giving a false name to law enforcement.

The Pittsburgh Steelers waived RB Chris Rainey after an arrest for domestic violence, a  little more than 2 years after he was dismissed from the U of Florida football team for a similar arrest and reinstated 28 days later by then coach Urban Meyer. Yeah, clearly Rainey learned his lesson….

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Instead of toys, McDonald’s restaurants in England are now giving away books with Happy Meals. Responded many U.S. children “What are books?”

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Jerry Buss said the Lakers are a “very, very solid team.” “Solid?”” Right, like petrified wood.

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Smart people, foolish choices: Stanford decided to have a Rose Bowl celebration featuring trophy photo opportunities, and team autographs before a men’s basketball game. And the date and time they picked – 7p, Sat. Jan 12.    Not like any football fans in the Bay Area will be doing anything.

(for non-football fans,  SF 49ers-Green Bay at 5p, in San Francisco.)

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New Jacksonville GM David Caldwell says he can’t “imagine a scenario where” Tim Tebow “will be a Jacksonville Jaguar.” Well, and the team has been doing so well without him.

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In Berkeley, CA, residents are fighting a proposed new 24-hour 7- Eleven. Wow. If there’s ever a city where folks NEED that 3:00am Doritos fix….

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from Marc Ragovin:   (groaner time)    “Kevin Garnett, who has a history of lobbing personal insults at opponents, is once again under fire for telling Carmelo Anthony that his wife tastes like Honey Nut Cheerios during a recent game. I think it’s pretty obvious that Garnett is a cereal offender.”

Keith Ratliff, who called himself a “gun nut” and worked on Youtube videos for a site focused on high-powered firearms, was found shot to death in his Georgia home. (Police said the home contained “multiple weapons.”) Yeah, karma’s a mean bitch, and so is her sister “irony.”

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Just don’t understand the Academy’s snub of Ben Affleck. I mean, I’ve never even heard a whisper that the Argo director was taking PEDs.

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Some reports indicate almost 10% of MLB players have a prescription for Adderall, an amphetamine used to treat ADHD. Yet, without a prescription, taking the drug is grounds for suspension in baseball and football. Okay, your move, Hall of Fame voters….

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A California high school student is in custody after a teacher talked him into dropping his shotgun. This after the 16 year old allegedly had shot at two fellow students and critically wounded one. Waiting for the NRA to say the teacher should have just been armed and returned fire.

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“Nothing bad happened”

January 10, 2013

No one was elected to the Hall of Fame today. So regarding the “steroid era” is this going to be like the Family Guy episode with the tour in Germany when Brian asks what happened between 1939-1945? And the guide says, “Everyone was on vacation.”

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If the Baseball Hall of Fame really wanted to make a statement about PED’s they should have elected Jamie Moyer. Since we know he got 269 wins without PED’s. (If he had been on ‘roids his fastball would have hit at least 70.)

 

If the real issue with PED’s is that they are illegal does that mean we need to eject all baseball Hall of Fame members who drank alcohol between 1920 and 1933?

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Temperatures in the San Francisco Bay Area will dip below freezing this weekend. Thereby proving the point of some who probably said years ago that it would be a cold day in hell if Barry Bonds wasn’t a first ballot Hall of Famer.

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The NYC Fire Department said the high-speed ferry that crashed this morning had a “hard landing” Ya think? Almost as hard a landing as Notre Dame’s BCS title hopes.

(on a serious note, the injuries apparently were almost all people falling, in some cases down stairs.  A reminder, maybe if you stand up getting off a ferry or anything else that moves, good idea to have at least one hand on a railing instead of one holding a briefcase and one on a smartphone…)

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Some think Phil Jackson has to thanking his lucky stars that he turned down the Los Angeles Lakers’ job. But I figure Phil thinks if he took the job, they’d be in first place by now.

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A new NIH study said that diet soda drinkers are more likely to be diagnosed with depression. Maybe when they find out that diet drinks don’t offset large quantities of potato chips, ice cream and pizza?

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John Wall hopes to join the Wizards for his season debut Saturday. Isn’t this like somehow getting aboard mid-voyage of the Titanic?

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So since it’s about character and being “natural” will this year’s Academy Awards exclude drug users and anyone who has had plastic surgery?

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From my funny friend Jerry Perisho:  No one was elected this year to the Baseball Hall of Fame. Now, if we could just do that with Congress.

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Well, a couple days ago I posted how Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly claimed that leaving Notre Dame “is not an option. I don’t even think about it.” Today sources said Kelly interviewed with the Philadelphia Eagles. Well, maybe Brian can stop by the confessional on his way out.

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AIG, who took a $182 billion bailout from the U.S. govt, has apparently changed their mind about joining a lawsuit against the terms of that bailout. Even the folks at Penn State fighting NCAA sanctions were thinking “Have you no shame?”

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BCS Controversy?

January 9, 2013

ESPN apologized for Brent Musburger’s comment.about QB A.J. McCarron’s girlfriend Katherine Webb, Miss Alabama: “You quarterbacks, you get all the good-looking women. What a beautiful woman. Wow!” I guess the comment can be seen as objectifying, but really, isn’t that partly the purpose of the Miss USA pageant?

 

Another thought on all this controversy over Brent Musberger’s “beautiful woman” etc. comment during last night’s game: Faith Hill is a great singer. But does anyone think she’d be doing the intro song for Sunday Night Football if she looked like Susan Boyle?

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Rough morning after in South Bend. Last time Notre Dame alums were so embarrassed, priests were involved.

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Lance Armstrong reportedly will give a tell-all interview to Oprah. So will he jump up and down on her couch yelling “I loved PEDs?”

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Phil Jackson told an interviewer today “I have no intention of ever coaching again.” Translation, let’s see how desperate the Lakers get next year.

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The Obama administration says they may pull all troops from Afghanistan in 2014. Why wait?

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Shocking. The screenwriter for the “Fifty Shades of Grey” movie said in an interview that “There is going to be a lot of sex in the film, it will be rated NC-17.” Which still means the odds of being seated behind a couple trying to bring a baby in are better than you think.

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Good news, bad news for Congress: A Public Policy Polling survey showed they are less popular than than cockroaches, lice, root canals and colonoscopies. But they were more popular than John Edwards, the Kardashians, Lindsay Lohan, and gonorrhea.

(of course, given gerrymandered districts, one difference between Congress and gonorrhea….it’s easier to get rid of gonorrhea.)

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The Jets have said quarterbacks coach Matt Cavanaugh will not return in 2013. And Cavanaugh has to be thinking “Thank you, Jesus.”

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David Bowie, 66, has a new single. And he’s thinking of redoing some old music. Of course now when Ziggy Stardust falls he can’t rise up.

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Gary M’s comment on Rand Pauls 19 yr old son being arrested after getting off a US Airways flight Saturday morning and charged with underage drinking, being intoxicated and disruptive, and disorderly conduct….

“On US Air, he was a criminal. On American, he would’ve been a pilot.”

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Star DE recruit Kylie Fitts, set to enroll at USC next week, decommitted today from the Trojans: :Something happened recently that questioned my trust in USC, so I’m reopening my recruitment.” Broken trust? With Lane Kiffin involved? I am shocked, shocked. …

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The 2013 college football schedule is out, and the only top 10 teams Alabama is facing are Texas A & M and LSU…. But hey, maybe Tennessee-Chattanooga can derail the three-peat.

 

A new Facebook AP “Help,  My Friend Gave Me the Flu” is a new app that looks through your friends’ pages looking for words that indicate they might be sick, along with late-night postings, indicating that are having trouble sleeping. 

Uh, first thought, how much paranoia will this induce in people whose friends are healthy night owls? 

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Really? Apparently “The Bachelor,” Sean Lowe, is a “born-again virgin.” According to a report in Star magazine “He’s had sex with four women in his life, but he rededicated himself to God and hasn’t slept with a woman in years.” Where is Bristol Palin when you need her?

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Bowled over? More like at least the bowls are over.

January 8, 2013

Okay, so this whole convoluted system produced exactly one semi-close BCS bowl game – Stanford 20-14 over Wisconsin. In the same Pac 10/12-Big 10 Rose Bowl match up that existed before the BCS got started.

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Ah yes, SEC dominance. And Alabama only lost to Texas A & M. Who only lost to LSU and Florida. And Florida lost to Louisville, who only lost to Syracuse and Connecticut. And Connecticut only lost to NC State, Temple. Rutgers, USF, Cincinnati, Syracuse and Western Michigan.

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Sorry Notre Dame, God had only one miracle planned for this evening and he used it on the Washington Wizards against the Oklahoma City Thunder.

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Wonder if at halftime Notre Dame coach invoked St. Jude, the patron saint of lost causes.

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The best drama in the BCS championship was between Alabama’s QB and his center.

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Could there have been a better-matched amateur opponent for Alabama in the second half? I think Mark Sanchez and the Jets were available.

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Oops, A computer glitch at Ticketmaster resulted in President Obama’s two official inaugural balls being sold out hours before they were supposed to go on sale. Proving once again that the private sector can easily match the government for incompetence.

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According to ESPN sources, the Cotton Bowl is a “prohibitive favorite” to host the first college football national playoff title game on Jan. 12, 2015.. Well, that’s one way to get a meaningful future postseason game in Dallas.

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For many Monday was the first work day of 2013. You know what that means, time to stop writing 2011 on papers and checks.

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In Florida, nearly 400 people have signed up for the Python Challenge, where for a month in the Everglades they can try to shoot the invasive snakes that threaten the local wildlife. Neither experience with snakes nor hunting licenses are required, except for under-18s. What could POSSIBLY go wrong?

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Burger King ran a commercial today during the NFL playoffs about what was “our best Whopper.” Bill Clinton overheard and thought “probably ‘I did not have sex with that woman.'”

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Zach Ertz, who red-shirted his freshman year is foregoing his last year of eligibility at Stanford, and will enter the NFL draft, graduating in June with a B.S. in Management Science and Engineering. Darn those Cardinal four-and-done athletes.

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A new book “The Wisdom of Psychopaths: What Saints, Spies, and Serial Killers Can Teach Us About Success.” says the jobs with the highest rate of psychopaths. 1 CEO, 2. Lawyer, 3. Media (TV-Radio) 4. Salesperson, 5. Surgeon, 6. Journalist, 7. Police, 8. Clergy, 9. Chef, 10. Civil servant. What? No politicians?  (Or professional athletes?)

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Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have reportedly turned down a $3 million offer for their baby’s first photos. Presumably because they’re holding out for a higher offer?

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Rand Paul’s 19 yr old son was arrested after getting off a US Airways flight Saturday morning and charged with underage drinking, being intoxicated and disruptive, and disorderly conduct. I blame Obama.

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Is there some unwritten rule that Staples Center in Los Angeles can only be home to one good NBA team at a time?

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Not their Luck-y day.

January 6, 2013

Some thought the Colts’ fairytale story could continue deep into the postseason. Quoth the Ravens, “Nevermore.”

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Russell Wilson gave up a promising baseball career to play football.  Not sure who’s more upset about that now, MLB fans or the Washington Redskins.

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And okay, it’s the year of the rookie QB, but as to “last man standing,” who had Wilson?

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Not saying Russell Wilson is short, but he looks up to Doug Flutie. Literally.

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The AP has published their final election 2012 totals, and Mitt Romney got 47 percent of the vote. You’re a mean bitch, Karma.

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“Catmoji” has just launched. The first social network for cats. Presumably instead of “like” there will be an “ignore” button.

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Mamie Rearden, 114, just died, only 16 days after she became America’s oldest person. And her predecessor, Dina Manfredini, 115, died after being the oldest for less than two weeks. We’ve finally found a title that is more dangerous than being #3 with Al Qaeda.

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Syracuse coach Doug Marrone is leaving to coach the Buffalo Bills. Well, not sure what motivates Marrone, but it sure isn’t weather.

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Good that they usually end up getting it right. But how many of football’s most famous plays (Flutie’s Hail Mary, the Immaculate Reception, etc.. ) would have been a little different if they needed a 2-minute pause and then “After further review, the ruling on the field stands…”

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Always hated those TV bits early in football games where some starters introduce themselves and the universities they may or may not have graduated from. But got to love the Vikings DE last night – “Jared Allen, Culinary Academy.”

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The Bengals’ Andy Dalton on Saturday had one of the worst NFL playoff passing games in history. But Rex Ryan would still probably keep him in over Tim Tebow.

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Coach Brian Kelly says that leaving the Fighting Irish for the NFL “isn’t an option.” Right, like he told his Bearcats players in Dec. 2009 about Notre Dame: “It’s not an issue; I’m not going there. I love Cincinnati, and I’m staying here.”‘

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Nick Saban has sent two backup Alabama players home from the BCS championship game for violating curfew. So wonder if they were the only players who missed their bed check, or the only non-starters who missed their bed check.

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Thirty second Super Bowl ads going for $3.8M are almost sold out.   The New York Jets are rumored to have purchased a spot trying to sell a couple of QBs.

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So the same “sources” that had Oregon coach Chip Kelly gone to the NFL yesterday now have him returning to the Ducks. Hmm, maybe those NCAA sanctions against Oregon aren’t as imminent as we thought.

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From my funny friend Jim Barach:   “A battery powered toothbrush that was ticking set off a bomb scare at Atlanta’s airport. Apparently the TSA agents in Georgia had never actually encountered a toothbrush before.”

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(my follow up thought.  No report on who the traveler in question was, but guess we can assume he or she was not from England.)

 

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Japanese automaker Toyota announced plans to unveil their self-driving car research. Okay, there is no way to make a P.C. Asian driver joke here…

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Oh say can you almost see Opening Day…

January 5, 2013

Opening night for Major League Baseball will be on ESPN Sunday, March 31, with the Astros against the Rangers. Might be the only night of the year the Houston Astros are nationally televised.

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Turns out Rex Ryan has a tattoo on his arm of his wife wearing a Mark Sanchez jersey and nothing else. Well, this is an twist on the usual joke that a lousy player who’s still getting game time must have hidden pictures of the coach naked or something.

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Nancy Pelosi posted a picture of all the House Democratic women posing on the Capitol steps. But the picture included photo-shopped images of four women who actually hadn’t made it to the photo shoot. Shocking, Pelosi might try to doctor an appearance?

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These are not your father’s Republicans: Former GOP senator Chuck Hagel is reported to be Obama’s nominee for Secretary of Defense. And Sen. Lindsey Graham said on Dec. 30 there would be “very little Republican support” for his nomination.

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The Chicago Bears are now apparently interviewing Montreal Alouettes coach Marc Trestman for their head coaching job. So if he fails at getting the team to the post season will Bears fans blame Canada?

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Lance Armstrong is reportedly considering admitting that he used PEDs. What? Does he think it will help him get into the Baseball Hall of Fame?

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Chip Kelly is apparently close to a deal with the Cleveland Browns. Anyone want to start the pool on when the NCAA will announce sanctions on the Oregon Ducks?

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Although the Lakers made it close in the end,  watching Los Angeles Clippers turn “Showtime” into “Slowtime.” Or maybe the “Too-Late-Showtime.”

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A pilot for American Airlines subsidiary American Eagle was arrested before a flight from Minneapolis to La Guardia after witnesses smelled alcohol on his breath and he failed a Breathlyzer test. What next, a pilot sobriety surcharge?

(added my friend Walt Rau,  “He would have been sober in time for the landing at La Guardia. What’s the problem?”

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One-point safety?

January 4, 2013

So how long until someone names their band or racehorse “One Point Safety”?

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But really, a one-point safety? And football fans say baseball has bizarre and convoluted rules….

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Congrats to the Oregon Ducks on a convincing Fiesta Bowl win.  But the most shocking thing.  From a distance at least, their uniforms actually looked reasonable.

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Penn State football coach Bill O’Brien has apparently turned down an offer to coach the Cleveland Browns.. Guess he doesn’t want to trade one team that will spend at least the next few years out of the postseason for another.

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This just in, Bill Clinton has asked CNN about co-hosting a show with Kathy Griffin.

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An 18 year old Oregon man (and I use that term loosely) was arrested after two FB friends called police when they saw his late-night post “Drivin drunk … classic 😉 but to whoever’s vehicle i hit i am sorry. :P” ” Looks like we have another frontrunner for a 2013 Darwin award.

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ESPN is talking about the “might-have-beens” for Oregon as if they lost to some lousy team from a weak conference. As opposed to mighty Alabama who lost to Texas A & M. Who only lost to two teams (LSU and Florida) who stunk up their respective bowls.

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Oops. Apparently Giants closer Sergio Romo was arrested at the Las Vegas airport Tuesday when he became “angry and aggressive” after TSA officials said he didn’t have proper identification. Wonder if he was wearing that World Series parade shirt saying “I only look illegal.”

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A picture of Nancy Pelosi today shows her all smiles next to John Boehner after he was re-elected Speaker of the House. Makes sense, his approval ratings make hers look good.

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With issues over Sandy relief and the passage of the “fiscal cliff” bill, infighting amongst Republicans has reached new heights. Who do they think they are? Democrats?

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Bus to hell  time  –  “Some talk about the fiscal cliff deal being President Obama’s   “Lincoln moment.” Uh, not exactly. Although no doubt a lot of Republicans are now hoping Barack takes some time off to go to the theater.”

 

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Two of the University of Florida’s top defensive players are leaving early for the NFL draft. Guess they decided not to return for their senior seasons and the chance to not show up for another BCS bowl?

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Tone deaf and dumb.

January 3, 2013

Wow, just wow. Pennsylvania Gov. Corbett says he waited until now to sue the NCAA for their sanctions against Penn State because he wanted time to research, and he “did not want the case to interfere with the football season.” Sounds like the same priorities that got the university in trouble in the first place.

 

 

The Dow rose 308 points today. I blame Obama.

 

Can only what imagine what she expects of parenthood: Kim Kardashian says about being pregnant “it’s not as easy as people think.” Really?! Isn’t there some nice staple gay couple that might want to adopt her baby?

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ESPN reports that Oregon coach Chip Kelly may be interviewing with the Bills, Browns and Eagles. What, Kelly wants to prove he can be successful with a team with a salary cap?

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Just maybe those SEC supremacists might want to tone down their gloating about other conferences?

 

Wonder after the Gators’  Sugar Bowl performance if the Big East will now extend an invitation to Florida?

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Another Sugar Bowl thought  -once again we saw a team that isn’t benefiting by having Tim Tebow on the sidelines.

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On a positive note,

Thanks to Mark and Gary who pointed out that Stanford’s David Shaw was the first African-American coach to win a BCS bowl game.  Well, now we have two.  Congrats to Charlie Strong.

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You have to wonder about Americans’ cooking skills when a package of frozen plastic wrapped fish fillets starts with the directions “Preheat oven to 450 degrees. Remove all packaging…”

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Many are commenting on how Hugh Hefner, 86, apparently forgave his new bride Crystal Harris, 26, for leaving him at the altar in 2011. Although isn’t it just as likely that Hef didn’t remember?

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Seven coaches fired Monday. And wonder how many of the NFL teams who decided they needed a fresh start will go about it by recycling one of those fired coaches?

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A report out of DC indicates that John Boehner at one point during fiscal cliff negotiations told Harry Reid to “go f*ck himself.” Who knew Boehner has aspirations to be Vice President?

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Ray Lewis says he will retire after this season. “The first time is the hardest,” responded Brett Favre.

 

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Starbucks will start selling a reusable plastic cup for $1 that will provide a 10 cent discount on any coffee drink. Wonder how long it will take until that discount becomes a surcharge on anyone who doesn’t bring the cup?

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A paparazzo was struck and killed by a car after taking pictures of Justin Bieber’s Ferrari in Los Angeles. And the singer wasn’t even driving it. Darwin would be so proud.

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That Rosy feeling.

January 2, 2013

I see red people.

red

Anyone else twisted enough to wish that the Stanford band had done a “Road to the Rose Bowl” halftime show for Wisconsin? Since that road went through the tattoo parlors of Columbus, Ohio, and the showers of Penn State….

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Some trash talking from Berkeley folks that Stanford didn’t win impressively enough today in Pasadena. Alas, I can’t counter…somehow forgot how Cal did in this year’s bowl game.

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Stanford Cardinal today trying to become second California team to win a bowl game this season. (Joining the San Jose State Spartans.)

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Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Corbett said today he plans to sue the NCAA in federal court over the sanctions against Penn State. Just when the whole sordid mess has faded a little from the headlines…..

(as my friend Michael Duca says “Immediately moving House Republicans into bronze medal position in the Tone Deafness Olympics (also bumping NRA out of the Gold Medal)).

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Crystal Harris, 26, and Hugh Hefner, 86, are married, a year after Crystal called off their 2011 wedding, claiming that sex with Hef lasted “like two seconds.” Will the happy couple now announce that last night was the best two seconds of their lives?

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Good news – the fiscal cliff has temporarily been averted,.  Bad news – instead of really walking away from the cliff congress just decided to rest on the ledge for a couple months.

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An Orange Bowl official reportedly told Northern Illinois “We didn’t even want you here.” And most of America responded said “Exactly how we feel about the whole BCS system.”

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The SF 49ers signed kicker Billy Cundiff to compete with struggling field goal kicker David Akers.  Cundiff was released in November by the Washington Redskins after missing 5 of his 12 field goal attempts…  5 of 12?!    Well, at worst Cundiff will assure that San Francisco field goal attempts are good for beer sales.

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Rose Bowl Trophy Ceremony

January 1, 2013

Rose Bowl Trophy Ceremony

Better to win than to cover.

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Happy 2013.

January 1, 2013

And may your troubles only last as long as your New Year’s Resolutions.

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On a brighter note, your 2012 resolutions are officially null and void.

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In honor of the NY Jets, rumor has it that New Year’s Eve in  Times Square the ball wasn’t declared “dropped,”  it was “butt-fumbled.”

 

Two hours after midnight in D.C., the Senate passed a bill to avert the “fiscal cliff” 89-8. 89-8?! That’s not a vote count, that’s a score for an SEC team against one of their out-of-conference football opponents.

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President Obama said  early Monday of a potential fiscal cliff deal that if there were even “one second left for Congress to do what they’re suppose to do, they will use that one second.” Of course Congress being largely male he might have added some of them will do anything to avoid their wives’ New Year’s Eve parties.

 

Seven NFL coaches at least fired Monday. I blame Obama.

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UCLA, who lost to Baylor 49 to 26, would like to thank USC. Since the Trojans, by losing 21 to 7 to a sub .500 (6-7) Georgia Tech team, have just taken over the title of most embarrassing team in the Pac 12.

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Coaching question of the night. Who will be the next fool to overpay Lane Kiffin?

 

San Diego Zoo sign in front of tiger enclosure. “For your safety please stay behind railing.”. May I suggest that if you need the sign, you’re already well on your way to some future Darwin award.

 

The Chicago Bears fired coach Lovie Smith after a 10 win season. In Washington, wonder if 10 wins will be enough to save the job of Randy Wittman, coach of the Wizards.

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UCLA, who lost to Baylor 49 to 26, would like to thank USC. Since the Trojans, by losing 21 to 7 to a sub .500 (6-7) Georgia Tech team, have just taken over the title of most embarrassing team in the Pac 12.

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Fools on the hill?

December 30, 2012

My latest suggestion for ending this fiscal cliff mess…. Lock all of Congress in a room, start playing the Beatles’ “Fool on the Hill”, and don’t turn it off or let them out until they get it done.  My sister’s better suggestion,  have them play “It’s a Small World.”   (Although I have to wonder if that’s a violation of the Geneva Convention.)

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Kim Kardashian is pregnant. Which means about 20 years from now some young adult probably will look back and wish they were only born to a more conventional and mature mother like Snooki.

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Think that somewhere tonight Jessica Simpson is giggling at Dallas Cowboys’ fans?

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Before the Sunday night game even starts, the Dallas Cowboys did the seemingly impossible – getting most of America to root for a team owned by Dan Snyder.

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Washington D.C.  area Starbucks have been having baristas write “come together” on coffee cups to encourage patrons to urge Congress to figure out a fiscal cliff solution.   Well, that may not happen, but at least D.C. residents on a bipartisan basis can come together to thank Tony Romo.

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Hard to keep track of all these bowls featuring mediocre college teams. I forget, which bowl did the NY Jets play in?

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A report says that the NY Jets will fire their offensive coordinator. Which shocked many Jets fans. “We HAD an offensive coordinator?”

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A bright spot as the holidays wind down and we have to think about getting back to serious work – soon we probably won’t see that Citi commercial where the salesgirl says “Have a super sparkly day.”

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The Cleveland Browns are rumored to be seriously pursuing University of Oregon coach Chip Kelly. Wonder if this means the NCAA’s investigation of the Ducks is further along than we thought.

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Good news. Winter will be over almost two months early. At least according to Macy’s. The fine print under their “Biggest sale of the season” ad says “refers to our Winter season 11-1-12 to 1-31-13.”

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To economize, England’s Queen Elizabeth and her husband Prince Philip took a regularly scheduled train to their estate in Sandringham this Christmas, which the British public and media loved. If President Obama somehow took a regular flight to or from Hawaii he’d be accused of disrupting air travel for average Americans.

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When Hideki Matsui retired from baseball last week he said it was because he was no longer able to perform at a top level. Responded the Chicago Cubs “And your point is?”

 

Okay conspiracy theorists, a blood clot is probably beyond even your dreams as a way to avoid testifying. Not always a Hillary Clinton fan but absolutely wishing her well now.

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Banana Republic.

December 30, 2012

A new study from an Ohio State engineering professor shows that as many as 49,000 people in Central Florida, mostly Democrats, did not vote because of long lines and other problems at the polls. The Florida GOP is appalled. They clearly made voting too easy.

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Arizona State put up 62 points on Navy before the end of the third quarter today in the Kraft Fight Hunger bowl. Clearly the military is not as strong as it should be. I blame Obama.

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New Orleans Saints coach Sean Payton’s new five-year contract is reportedly for $8 million annually. Wow. That’s almost as much as a mediocre relief pitcher.

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Open note to Facebook friends. I thought a “like” or a comment was enough to say I am reading your posts, Not adding a one-word comment and reposting the status asking all my friends to do the same thing. I like my friends but I hate chain letters. 🙂

 

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The report is that the Cleveland Browns will fire coach Pat Shurmur on Monday. Bummer for all those who had Rex Ryan or Norv Turner in the pool.

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New York City, including Manhattan, is expecting to 2 to 4 inches of snow in a current storm. Of course, since this is New York, residents and the media feel this total counts for 2 to 4 feet in lesser towns.

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The Senate is working this weekend trying to come up with a last minute solution to avoid the fiscal cliff. Should we be happy they are at least making a serious effort, or furious that it took them so long?

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Stanford women’s basketball looked so bad Saturday against UConn, especially in the first half, expected Tara VanDerveer to have accused the team at halftime of playing like boys.

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Terrelle Pryor will start for the Oakland Raiders Sunday. So looking like an unhappy Matt Leinart and Mark Sanchez could both be traded. If they end up on the same team what a dilemma for a coach – which one do you bench first?

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Katie Holmes’ first starring role on Broadway will come to an end two months earlier than expected as her play “Dead Accounts” will close. Guess Katie was as successful playing the lead role as she was playing at a marriage with Tom Cruise.

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Syracuse beat West Virginia 38-14 in the Pinstripe Bowl. Well, at least one New York football team has had a decent December.

 

Love this story from the Palo Alto Daily Post: Two parents, 52, and their daughter, 22 are in custody after being arrested for shoplifting at Nordstrom’s. The women were caught outside the store, but the father escaped. Until he called police that night to report his wife and daughter missing. Family bonding…. Well, at least they’re all in the same jail.

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Cliff notes?

December 29, 2012

As the U.S. edges closer to the “fiscal cliff,’ have to wonder if Shakespeare had a premonition of future politics when he wrote “a plague on both your houses.”

(although today it might be “a plague on both the house and the senate.”)

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Just how ugly was the Russell Athletic Bowl. Virginia Tech beat Rutgers 13-10 in overtime. But the Hokies had an equal number of turnovers and rushing yards – three. (No typo, 3. Really.)

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Last year’s strike-shortened NBA season was the perfect length for many fans. Wonder if there’s a way to get a strike going that would affect the NCAA bowl season?

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Mayor Michael Bloomberg is blaming the first increase in New York City’s crime rate in 20 years on Apple-related thefts. Uh, what about folks unhappy over not being able to get their large sodas?

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ESPN reports Sean Payton, who has been courted by Dallas, has agreed to a five-year extension with the New Orleans Saints. “Bummer for the Cowboys”, said no one outside of Texas.

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The NY man who killed 2 firefighters in an Xmas Eve ambush couldn’t legally buy the semiautomatic rifle and shotgun he used. But he went to the store with a woman who bought the guns for him after he picked them out. And we hear all the time about the ATB arresting folks who buy alcohol illegally for 20 year olds….

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Two University of Texas players have been sent home from the Alamo Bowl for “violations of team rules.” Reportedly for alleged sexual assault. Some of these guys are going a little too far to prove they are NFL ready.

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So Mark Sanchez will start for the NY Jets this weekend over backup QB Greg McElroy, who has a concussion. Not Tim Tebow. Is Rex Ryan that worried that Tebow might actually win a game and get Jets fans even madder about the might-have-beens this season?

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Rex Ryan says he wants “to be the Jets’ head coach for the next 15 years.”

Uh, who’s got 15 days in the pool?

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The Pro Bowl roster is out. Being chosen is an honor, but as far as resulting in any real action, it’s like being named one of the sexiest women of the year by the San Francisco Gay Men’s Chorus.

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Forget the Mayan calendar. The Los Angeles Clippers winning 16 in a row? Now, there’s a sign of the apocalypse.

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From T.C.  “Washington Nationals pitcher Stephen Strasburg called Redskins owner Daniel Snyder and asked him why he wasn’t shutting down RGIII in order to save him for next year.”

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Over the cliff?

December 27, 2012

A commercial during the Holiday Bowl is from online Ashford University. Well, it got some results. At the University of Alabama, they immediately contacted the school to see about arranging a game on their 2013 football schedule.

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West Coast teams often complain about their games taking place too late at night for the East Coast media to pay attention. After tonight I’m predicting we will not hear that complaint from the UCLA Bruins.

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We could solve this fiscal cliff issue real fast if Congress met at a real cliff. And if every 15 minutes after the deadline members of each party took turns pushing a Congressperson from the other party off of it.

 

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Remember all those jokes early this year when Stanford barely beat San Jose State? The Spartans just won the Military Bowl to finish 11-2…. (Now, about some of those SEC cupcake games…)

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Richard Sherman won his “contaminated sample” PED appeal. So will he be sending a bottle of champagne to Ryan Braun?

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USC’s Matt Barkley is still nursing a shoulder injury and will not play in the Sun Bowl. But he hopes to follow in the great tradition of Trojan QBs and be healthy enough in 2013 to hold an NFL clipboard.

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The Brooklyn Nets have fired coach Avery Johnson after a 14-14 start. The Washington Wizards wonder if the team has something against overachievers.

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President Obama left his family in Hawaii and cut his vacation short to head back to Washington and work on avoiding the fiscal cliff. Waiting for the GOP to accuse him of wasting money by making Air Force One take an extra trip.

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From my friend Jim Barach:  Starbucks baristas in Washington, D.C. are writing “come together” on cups in order to get Congress to avert the fiscal cliff. Of course, the fiscal cliff wouldn’t be an issue if the federal government could figure out a way to get as much money out of people every day as they do at Starbucks.

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Mission accomplished.

December 27, 2012

Another year, another superhuman effort by Santa Claus to deliver millions of toys overnight without a break. Wonder how long until he and the reindeer get investigated for Adderall?

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Netflix’s video streaming service crashed Christmas Even.. Oh, the horror!. Thousands and thousands of Americans were actually forced to talk to their relatives.

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Ben Affleck has announced that he won’t seek John Kerry’s Senate seat. Bipartisan bummer for women. If Affleck ran against Scott Brown it might the best looking Senate race in history.

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Syracuse suspended two players from their upcoming New Era Pinstripe Bowl game. Shocking! Syracuse is playing in a bowl game?

 

Mark Zuckerberg’s sister Randi  was upset when a casual family photo she posted on Facebook ended up reposted on Twitter,  saying the person who did it she was “way uncool,” and saying to “always ask permission before posting a friend’s photo publicly. It’s not about privacy settings, it’s about human decency.”  “Gosh, those FB settings are confusing, and I’m really sorry that happened to your family” said absolutely nobody.

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A picture of President Obama hugging Michelle on election night has become the most re-tweeted photo ever. A surprised Bill Clinton asked “You can hug your own wife?”

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A 30 foot whale was found Wednesday morning on a New York beach. It would of course be inappropriate to make a Chris Christie joke here.

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Alas for Pacers fans, bad weather forced the cancellation of tonight’s game in Indianapolis. Alas for Wizards fans the weather in Washington was fine.

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Anyone but me thinking it was a lot easier and more fun to root against the Los Angeles Lakers before Steve Nash came back?

 

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Wednesday was the first day of the after-Christmas sales. You know what that means – only about a week until the first Valentine’s Day sales.

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Okay, who’d a thunk this? A hot NBA upcoming ticket is the Warriors vs. Clippers.

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Starbucks employees will be writing “come together” on customers’ cups Dec 27-28 as a message for Congress to avoid the fiscal cliff.. Leaving aside the fact that more colorful language might be more appropriate, maybe we should just threaten to cut off their coffee until they come up with a deal.

 

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