Posted tagged ‘new years jokes’

Chilly roses.

January 1, 2014

Tomorrow morning in Pasadena, forecasters are saying it might not quite make it to 60 degrees for the Rose Parade. And in most of the rest of the U.S., folks are thinking ‘Oh, STFU.”


In D-1 men’s basketballl, Southern University started with an 44-0 lead, and ending up beating Champion Baptist College 116-12. Down in the SEC, teams immediately started phoning Champion Baptist to see if they have a football team


Many NFL teams including the Packers have several thousand tickets available for their weekend playoff games. Wonder if the NFL would dare a playoff blackout?



Caroline Wozniacki and Rory McIlroy are engaged. Wishing them a happy marriage, but if not it could be a great experiment in genetic engineering.



So Johnny Manziel can end his college career on a high note. “F*ck yeah. All we needed was two interceptions in the 4th quarter to beat DUKE.?”

Tim Tebow, signed as an ESPN college analyst, says he is still training five days a week and hopes to return to the NFL.  Seems as likely a chance as…


A..most SEC players graduating

B…the Redskins returning to relevance in the NFL

C. hell freezing over.

D. All of the above.



Why you always want to run a few steps past the finish line. Peyton Manning broke Drew Brees’ single season passing record of 5476 yards Sunday by one yard. Then sat the rest of the game. Now it turns out that one pass may be rules a lateral, leaving him 6 yards short.

( NFL update from their official statistician, the Elias Sports Bureau  “the determination … is that the fairest resolution is for the ruling of the on-site stats crew to stand.”  Translation. “We screwed up, but hey, what’s a record that could have been broken later in the game, as opposed to officiating mistakes causing teams to miss the playoffs.”)

Now a 2009 video has emerged of Phil Robertson saying you should marry girls “when they are about 15 or 16.” But “you need to check with mom and dad about that of course”. Ah, family values.

First the security breach on credit cards, now apparently Target is reporting some shoppers are having problems using their gift cards. Beginning to think beyond discounting prices Target is using discounted computer programmers.

On MSNBC, host Melissa Harris-Perry, who is African-American, is facing criticism and has apologized after she and other panelists joked about Mitt and Ann Romney’s Christmas card. The photo featured the Romney’s over 20 grandchildren including a recently-adopted African-American infant. Where are the “Duck Dynasty” supporters screaming about freedom of speech?


And finally on a bipartisan note to friends and readers and those who are both.  “Happy New Year. May your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.”



Happy 2013.

January 1, 2013

And may your troubles only last as long as your New Year’s Resolutions.

On a brighter note, your 2012 resolutions are officially null and void.

In honor of the NY Jets, rumor has it that New Year’s Eve in  Times Square the ball wasn’t declared “dropped,”  it was “butt-fumbled.”


Two hours after midnight in D.C., the Senate passed a bill to avert the “fiscal cliff” 89-8. 89-8?! That’s not a vote count, that’s a score for an SEC team against one of their out-of-conference football opponents.

President Obama said  early Monday of a potential fiscal cliff deal that if there were even “one second left for Congress to do what they’re suppose to do, they will use that one second.” Of course Congress being largely male he might have added some of them will do anything to avoid their wives’ New Year’s Eve parties.


Seven NFL coaches at least fired Monday. I blame Obama.

UCLA, who lost to Baylor 49 to 26, would like to thank USC. Since the Trojans, by losing 21 to 7 to a sub .500 (6-7) Georgia Tech team, have just taken over the title of most embarrassing team in the Pac 12.

Coaching question of the night. Who will be the next fool to overpay Lane Kiffin?


San Diego Zoo sign in front of tiger enclosure. “For your safety please stay behind railing.”. May I suggest that if you need the sign, you’re already well on your way to some future Darwin award.


The Chicago Bears fired coach Lovie Smith after a 10 win season. In Washington, wonder if 10 wins will be enough to save the job of Randy Wittman, coach of the Wizards.

UCLA, who lost to Baylor 49 to 26, would like to thank USC. Since the Trojans, by losing 21 to 7 to a sub .500 (6-7) Georgia Tech team, have just taken over the title of most embarrassing team in the Pac 12.



Happy New Year.

January 1, 2012

And this wish is not mine but it’s still my favorite for New Year’s Eve – “May your troubles last as long as your New Year’s Resolutions.”

And okay Cubs fans, it’s officially time to whip out your 2012 edition “Wait Until Next Year” t-shirts.

Texas A & M, which had lost its last five bowl games, won the Meinke Car Care Bowl 33-22 over Northwestern, which has now lost its last nine bowl games. They should have called it the “Something’s Got to Give” bowl.

The outdoor game known as the NHL Winter Classic, coming up on January 2, has become one of the most eagerly awaited events in the hockey world. Maybe some day the league will be brave enough to play at Candlestick Park in July, and call it the NHL Summer Classic.

Starting tomorrow, a new California law means children under 4’9″ must be in car booster seats. While many children will find this embarrassing, parents of boys looking for a new seat at least have the option of purchasing the Doug Flutie model.

And as my friend Alex Kaseberg says, “The good news? Snooki has to ride in a booster seat.”

A Canadian DJ, Marcel Williams, has announced he has fulfilled his “no-sex for a year” 2010 New Year’s resolution. “No sex for a year?” Trekkies the world over responded “amateur!”

There’s something about a logo…. (Not making this up.) In Japan, Wendy’s is opening fast food restaurants that feature a $16 foie gras and truffle topped burger. Because nothing says luxury like Wendy’s Hamburgers?

Aided by a number of personal negative ads he can disavow as coming from an “Independent” PAC, Mitt Romney is now leading in Iowa. Looks like that added to having the natural charm of John Kerry, Mitt’s trying to adopt the honor code of Richard Nixon.

Kelly Clarkson’s album sales surged after she Tweeted her endorsement of Ron Paul for President. Several other young singers thought of following her lead, but first they have to figure out who Ron Paul is.