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Can’t win them all.

February 5, 2013

For all those feeling inadequate because they can’t be good at everything, may I remind you that Nate Silver, after erring with his predicted Patriots-Seahawks Super Bowl, regrouped to pick the 49ers to win yesterday.

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While the team got it back, reports are that the Baltimore Ravens actually lost track of the Super Bowl Trophy last night. Might be the last time John Harbaugh asks “Bro, can you watch my stuff?”

 

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Rick Santorum on allowing gays into the Boy Scouts: “Scouting may not survive this transformation of society, but for the sake of the average boy in America, I hope the board of the Scouts doesn’t have its fingerprints on the murder weapon.” Wow. Fortunately Christianity will no doubt survive Rick Santorum.

 

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says that NJ Gov. Chris Christie is “already hard at work” to avoid a repeat Super Bowl power outage next year. Presumably with a strong disincentive for anyone to screw up. Four words – “Concrete shoes Hudson River.”

(ot even less PC, if people screw up Christie is threatening to sit on them.)

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SF RB Frank Gore says he feels the 49ers “showed we were the better team. It was just a couple plays here, a couple plays there.” Probably the same thing the Atlanta Falcons felt a couple weeks ago.

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Las Vegas prosecutors have decided not to charge SF Giants pitcher Sergio Romo after he got into an New Year’s Day argument with TSA officials over showing his identification at the airport. Must have been a tough call, as police have so few real other problems to deal with in Las Vegas…

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John McCain told people to “lighten up” after he was accused of racism for putting a joke on Twitter joke comparing Iranian Pres. Ahmadinejad to a monkey. Shocking! John McCain knows how to tweet?

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Can’t imagine why the U.S. Post Office is losing money. Line out the door at the local branch, Monday afternoon, and their response is to close two of four windows….

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In Manhattan, a former Navy SEAL is recruiting women who are military veterans to work as nannies. Well this ought to liven up disputes at Little League and soccer games.

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Leave the non-call aside, when the 49ers got to 1st and goal at the 7 yesterday, anyone else reminded of Cal-Stanford 2009, when Jim Harbaugh’s refusal to give Toby Gerhart the ball at the Bears 13 yd line cost the Cardinal the game, and perhaps Gerhart himself the Heisman?

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Reports are that Candlestick Park will be imploded after next year’s SF 49ers season is over. Responded most MLB teams, “Only about 30 years too late.”

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A little Super Bowl sidelight. For millions and millions of Americans that potential non-call in the endzone with the 49ers driving towards a go-ahead TD was irrelevant. Had SF made it, and even gone for 2, they still wouldn’t have covered the 4 point spread.

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From Marc Ragovin, a joke for disgruntled 49ers fans:  “What is the difference between the NFL and WWE?”

“One stages sporting exhibitions with predetermined results aided by complicit referees, while the other features The Rock.”

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Jeez, Ray Lewis on that 2000 double murder ” God don’t use people who commit anything like that for His glory. If our system took the time to really investigate what happened 13 years ago, maybe they would have got to the bottom line truth.” So now that Lewis is retiring will he do an O.J. hunt for the real killers?

 

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When the lights go down, in the city….

February 3, 2013

If San Francisco 49ers came back to win this Super Bowl would players have voted a game share to the Superdome electricians?

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They may have lost in the end but San Francisco 49ers came close enough to taking the lead in the fourth quarter that  the Baltimore Ravens almost sent a coach to see if they could pull the plug on the Superdome lights again.

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Meanwhile on Fox News wonder how long it took them to blame the power outage on Obama?

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Super Bowl XLVII is over. The Super Bowl XLVIII pregame show starts tomorrow.

 

And across America how many dads are telling their daughters, “No, you are NOT dressing as Beyonce next Halloween”?

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Jim Harbaugh’s oldest child is an assistant coach for the Baltimore Ravens. Thinking Jay is not in line this year for a warm fuzzy Valentine’s Day card from father to son..

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The 49ers were called for an illegal formation on the first play of the Super Bowl. If anyone needed proof that you can over think sports…

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Roger Goodell said this morning he would “absolutely” let his son play football. Brave words from a man with two daughters.

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On “Face the Nation”, Goodell declined to confirm that there is a proven connection between the football and medical problems in retired players. Even Bud Selig is thinking “How deliberately oblivious can you be?”

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Hearing about Wayne LaPierre getting attacked on Fox News for his extreme views on guns… It’s enough to make you wonder if there should be a mental health requirement to be an NRA executive.

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John Harbaugh, taking a safety and running the clock down to 4 seconds at the end of the Super Bowl – basically telling his younger brother “Age and treachery can overcome youth and skill.”

 

At the end, all SF 49ers needed to win Super Bowl was the Stanford Band.

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New Orleans City Council Pres. Stacy Head said tonight she hoped power outage wouldn’t hurt the city’s 2018 Super Bowl bid, adding she would rather sit through a temporary power outage than watch a 3 hour game in sub-freezing temperature. Your move, Chris Christie.

 

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The logic that says you do or don’t make a call based on where you are in an NFL game makes the balk call in baseball look reasonable.

 

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All this controversy over Chuck Hagel as potential Defense secretary. Well, suppose it’s what President Obama gets for nominating a Democrat with no military experience. Uh, wait… never mind.

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It’s almost over.

February 3, 2013

Are you ready for some commercials?

 

Another reason baseball is still the greatest American game: Even with expanded playoffs, no two week delay between the ALCS/NLCS and the World Series.

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Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, rumored to be in line for a Cabinet position, said that he’s “flattered and humbled” by the speculation, but that he is “firmly committed” to staying in Los Angeles and finishing his term. Translation, Obama didn’t ask him.

 

 

The inventor of the Etch a Sketch has died. Have to assume Obama sent flowers. Mitt Romney’s advisor saying the campaign was “like an Etch a Sketch, you can shake it up and start all over again” might have won the President a million votes in 2012.

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Math joke for the night.  The joke being that this is real:  Great Safeway Club “special” today on “Fancy Feast Appetizers” cat food. Normally 5 for $7, Club Members only pay $1.39 each.

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Scandal in the U.K, where Burger King has admitted that some of their burgers contained horsemeat. McDonald’s at least is innocent, as no one has accused their burgers of containing ANY meat.

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Nebraska Lt. Gov. Rick Sheehy resigned today, after the Omaha World-Herald reported in the last 4 years he had made over 2,000 late-night telephone calls to 4 women (none of which were his wife) on his STATE-ISSUED CELLPHONE. Forget morals, this guy is too stupid to be in office.

 

 

Good news bad news for NFL fans. The bad news, after Sunday there will be no regular season games until Sept 2013. The good news, for the next eight months you don’t have to pretend you like guacamole.

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Texas Gov. Rick Perry said that the Boy Scouts of America should not soften its strict policy barring gay members, saying “to have popular culture impact 100 years of their standards is inappropriate.” Popular culture? Guessing Perry wasn’t exactly an avid student of Greek History.

 

Last thought for the night; if one were to start a rush to catch up on Downton Abbey with several episodes each weekend, it might not take long for cats to rush downstairs when they hear the theme song for lap time. Hypothetically speaking.

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The Shadow Knows?

February 2, 2013

So I’m a bit confused, if Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow today, does that mean we’re in for six more weeks of Super Bowl hype?

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Although really, aren’t the two weeks between the AFC-NFC championship and the Super Bowl just a media version of “Groundhog Day?”

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A terrified and disoriented coyote found wandering San Francisco’s Mission District is apparently recovering at a local wildlife center. City officials are warning people again not to trust ACME products.

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Get out the hankies and violins: Lebron James, talking about taking only $17.5 million from the Heat to help Miami stay under the cap. “Financially, I’ll sacrifice for the team. It shows for some of the top guys, it isn’t all about money.” Forbes estimates James earns $40 million per year in endorsements and sponsorships.

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Harvard University said that 60 students, including some athletes, were suspended over a cheating scandal involving a take-home exam. In the SEC football players are asking “What’s an exam?”

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In one of their upcoming Super Bowl Budweiser commercials, Anheuser-Busch plans to use a one week old Clydesdale foal. Even the Chinese say “that’s putting them to work a bit young.”

(open note to readers, dare you to watch that commercial without tearing up, seriously.)

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A line from one of the speeches made about Hillary Clinton on her last day as Secretary of State: “John Kerry has some very large Manolo Blahniks to fill.” Women responded “Hillary wears Manolo Blahniks?” And men responded “What the heck ARE Manolo Blahniks?”

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Uh, maybe he could have chosen different words: Tenn. State Senator Stacey Campfield says he wishes the gay community would just leave the straight people alone … saying, “We don’t wanna hear about it every day … quit trying to ram it down everybody’s throats …

 

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The Dow closed over 14,000 today. And down in La Jolla, Mitt Romney is looking at his portfolio and thinking “Hmm, maybe Ann and I should have voted for Obama.”

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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg: “Not sure it was in the best sportsmanship how San Francisco came up with a motto for this Super Bowl” “The Forty Niners. We know nobody on our team killed anybody.”
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R.I.P. Ed Koch. How can you not love a man who referred to Donald Trump as “piggy?”

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Countdown.

February 1, 2013

Only two days left until Super Bowl Sunday. Then most Americans can get back to our regular winter sports pastimes – ignoring the regular seasons for the NBA and NHL, and counting the days until March Madness and MLB Opening Day.

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The NY Post is reporting that Hall of Fame QB Dan Marino had a “love child” with a CBS employee in 2005. Just goes to show what can happen when you let heterosexual men play football.

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January 31 was Jackie Robinson’s birthday. And before Robinson joined the Dodgers, many thought a black man’s presence in the clubhouse would be as disruptive for his fellow teammates as some still think a openly gay man’s presence would be today.

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And wow, Randy Moss actually said something intelligent Thursday  morning. On having a gay teammate: “It’s not 1979 anymore, it’s 2013. We should accept everyone.” (Quote from my friend Art Spander.)

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Meanwhile the 49ers’ Chris Culliver now says his anti-gay remarks were “in a joking manner.”  Culliver went to University of South Carolina.  Guess you can take the man out of the SEC….

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Baltimore Ravens safety Ed Reed said today that the NFL is fining players for the wrong things. Wonder how long it will take the league to fine him for saying that.

 

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CNN.com reports Dutch airline Transavia is investigating a copilot who fell asleep in the cockpit when the pilot took a bathroom break. The article says “Laws regarding pilot breaks during flights vary from country to country. For U.S. carriers, sleeping while at the controls is a violation of FAA regulations.” Uh, could we get a list of countries where it’s NOT a violation?

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New Jersey Sen. Robert Menendez’s office said unsubstantiated allegations that the senator engaged in sex with prostitutes in the Dominican Republic are false. Wonder what that means about prostitutes outside of the Dominican Republic.

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Sources say Alex Rodriguez is unlikely to play again in a New York Yankees uniform. “What a shame” said absolutely no Yankees fans.

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While her crew and band will be paid, Beyonce herself apparently will not receive payment for her Super Bowl performance. But the NFL and Pepsi will pick up production costs. Wonder if that includes the costs of pre-recording a tape?

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From T.C.  “Beyonce is rehearsing the Super Bowl half time show by practising lip syncing both her own and Madonna’s songs. Just in case a malfunction plays last year’s soundtrack.”

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Phil Mickelson shot a 60 today, in a golf tournament called “Waste Management Phoenix Open.” “The Waste Management Open?” That’s almost as good as the late-lamented Poulan Weed Eater Bowl.

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On a serious note, for this statement today alone I’d like to see Chuck Hagel confirmed as Secretary of Defense: “Our war in Iraq I think was the most fundamentally bad, dangerous decision since Vietnam.”.

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Where’s the tape?

January 30, 2013

SF 49ers CB Chris Culliver in a pre-Super Bowl radio interview: “I don’t do the gay guys man. No, we don’t got no gay people on the team, they gotta get up out of here if they do.” Proving again, that for all the protective tape put on NFL players’ elbows and knees, sometimes where they really need it is on their mouths.

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Chris Culliver, followup statement: “The derogatory comments I made yesterday were a reflection of thoughts in my head, but they are not how I feel. It has taken me seeing them in print to realize that they are hurtful and ugly. Those discriminating feelings are truly not in my heart. Further, I apologize to those who I have hurt and offended, and I pledge to learn and grow from this experience.”

Right, and if Culliver actually wrote that Manti T’eo is online dating again.

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Another mouth in search of tape:  Or is it the humility that makes him the all-time best? Randy Moss today: “If Joe Blow would have said it, I do not know if it would have been in USA Today. Since Randy Moss said it, it is front of the sports page. Like I said, I just try to stay humble and do my job. But I do believe in my heart and my mind I am the greatest to ever do it.”

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The deer-antler spray controversy continues. And there’s a chance Ray Lewis will be the player after the Super Bowl who says “I’m going to Disneyland.”  Just in case someone keep that man away from Bambi.

 

Apparently this newly popular deer antler spray is an ancient Chinese healing method. Right, because China has produced so many Hall of Fame football players….

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Rumor has it that the NY Yankees are looking at the latest PED allegations swirling around Alex Rodriguez as a way to void his contract. Of course, A-Rod could look at his recent history with the Yankees as evidence that his performance has clearly not been enhanced.

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Jim Nabors, 82, finally married his male partner of 38 years. Well, Gollllll-y!

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SF 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh said on Super Bowl media day “A lot of time is used on the Facebooking and the Tweeter” and “my personal opinion is it’s a time drain.” So wonder how many millions have taken time to post his comments.

 

Nate Silver is now predicting a 49ers win in the Super Bowl. That same game that he predicted two weeks ago would be between the Seahawks and Patriots.

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In Mississippi, two Tea Party lawmakers want to create a permanent committee to nullify any federal laws the state does not want to follow. Okay, if Mississippi wants to be independent can the rest of the U.S. also then stop any federal money going to the state?

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The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention say that leafy greens such as lettuce, spinach and kale cause the most food-borne illnesses. And kids across the U.S. are forwarding this story to their parents saying “See!”

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Oh deer…. antler spray.

January 29, 2013

Randy Moss said today that he thinks he’s “the greatest receiver to ever do it.” Even Terrell Owens is thinking “Check that man for concussions.”

 

An orangutan at the Fresno Zoo picked the SF 49ers to win the Super Bowl by choosing a red and gold blanket out of a box. But how unscientific. Where’s Paul the Octopus when we really need him?

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All these Super Bowl prop bets, who’ll score first, how many rushing yards for Colin Kaepernick, how many field goals, etc… So who’s laying odds on how many stupid things Randy Moss can say between today and Sunday?

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So let me get this straight… Joe Flacco is getting more grief Super Bowl week for calling playing next year’s game in NJ “retarded,” which he quickly corrected, than Ray Lewis is getting about those two guys who ended up stabbed to death in 2000?    And Ray himself is only getting grief about…. deer antler spray. 

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(If Bonds says he thought it was flaxseed oil, wonder what Lewis will say the spray was..)

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But seriously, not condoning cheating. On the other hand, AAA minor league baseball minimum salary is $2150 a month, for six months. Major league minimum salary is $490,000 a year. Wonder how many of us would turn down a drug that would increase our salaries that much?

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Roger Goodell had a news conference in New York City about the 2014 Super Bowl, which will be played at MetLife Stadium in New Jersey, and talked about the forecast for 50 degree weather this weekend. Uh, yeah, and Goodell conveniently forgot the 10 degree weather in NJ LAST weekend.

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A judge upheld San Francisco’s public nudity ban, saying that requiring people to wear clothing doesn’t violate the First Amendment. Can that same judge rule on spandex next? (As a favorite bumper sticker said ‘Spandex, it’s a privilege, not a right.”)

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Mormon-owned Marriott International has joined an coalition to repeal DOMA, (the Defense of Marriage Act.) Forget politics, needing to put heads in beds REALLY makes for strange bedfellows.

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In Delaware last weekend Ada Bryant, 97, married Robert Haire, 89. The bride is keeping her name. Because, hey, you never know. What if she gets tired of him or something?.

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Ashley Judd is ending her 11 year marriage to Indy 500 winner Dario Franchitti. Women are thinking “How sad, it was such a romantic story.” And men are thinking “There’s renewed hope!”

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Alex Rodriguez has been implicated in another potential PED scandal, but he denies using any drugs recently. And why should we doubt a man who already told us in 2009 that the only time he lied about using illegal PEDs was from 2001-03.

 

 

American Airlines is being investigated by the FAA for allegedly flying a 757 for two months with emergency exits blocked by misaligned passenger seats. So expect a new question from flight attendants: “In case of an emergency, are you willing and able to unbolt your seats and then open the exit door?”

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Former GOP congressman Ray LaHood is stepping down as Transportation Secretary, but says he thought it was “the best job” he’s ever had in public service, and that he liked working for Obama. Is LaHood also trying to get kicked out of the Republican party?

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Soy what?

January 28, 2013

Okay, you read some crazy things Super Bowl week. But nothing will probably top this opening paragraph: ” Former SF 49ers and Oakland Raiders offensive tackle Kwame Harris will appear in San Mateo County Superior Court today on charges he assaulted his former boyfriend at a Menlo Park restaurant during an argument over soy sauce and underwear.

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In San Francisco the most common reaction has to be “He’s gay? Who cares?” But really, fighting over soy sauce? Now truffle oil or balsamic vinegar, maybe….”

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The best thing about being only a week away from the Super Bowl… It means we’re only about two weeks away from pitchers and catchers reporting.

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Miss Alabama, Katherine Webb, has now been chosen by “Inside Edition” to cover the Super Bowl. Wonder how many other beauty queens are sending their pictures to Brent Musberger.

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Not typos. The Stanford women beat Cal in rugby 38-0 last weekend, then the Stanford men went out and lost to Cal 176-0. Uh, maybe the men and women should have switched opponents to make the matches more competitive.

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Boston’s Rajon Rondo will miss the rest of the season with an torn ACL. Which means the Celtics may well meet the Lakers in the playoffs again, on a nice couch somewhere.

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New Jets GM John Idzik said today “I feel comfortable with Mark (Sanchez) being a Jet.” Great, so does the rest of the AFC East.

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The Miami Heat visited the White House today. Wonder if Lebron asked also for a visit to the Capitol. Congress might be the only group that makes James’ decision making look good.

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How to explain the appeal of “The Bachelor/Bachelorette” to otherwise sane people? When you spend a couple of hours watching these idiots your nearest and dearest look a lot better by comparison.

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Okay, is there some rule that says on every one of these Bachelor seasons some contestant has to freak out with some variation of “you’re with these other girls and it hurts?” Waiting for a Bachelor to respond “You’ve seen the show, what the bleep did you expect?”

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Conservative multimillionaire Foster Friess spent heavily to back Rick Santorum’s 2012 presidential campaign. and says he will do it again in 2016. And they say Democrats waste money.

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It’s just been reported that SF 49ers QB Alex Smith will ask for his release. “I’m shocked,” said absolutely no one.

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In response to complaints from the Center for Science in the Public Interest, Taco Bell pulled ads for their taco 12-pack, which said that bringing a vegetable tray is “like punting on 4th and 1, It’s a cop-out and secretly, people kind of hate you for it.”

Right,  because one reason people look forward all year to the Super Bowl is for an afternoon of healthy eating.

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From Jim Barach – “Rabbits are causing problems at Denver International Airport by chewing on the wires of cars in the parking lots. Airport officials say those rabbits shouldn’t even be there. They belong at O’Hare.”

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West coast wimps.

January 27, 2013

Although San Diego weather is in the 60s, officials at the Farmers Insurance golf tournament  had to delay the third round for fog. And folks on the frozen east coast are thinking, just STFU.

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USC’s men’s basketball team lost to Arizona 74-50 Saturday night, and after being down by as much as 34. Normally when the Trojans are this embarrassed in a sporting event, Stanford football is involved.

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Paul Ryan told Republicans  “We have to stay united.” Shocking. Ryan thinks the GOP has been united?

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Now former Fox News commentator Sarah Palin said conservatives “can’t just preach to the choir” and must instead “broaden our reach.” Well, I’m sure Jon Stewart would have her on the Daily Show anytime….

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Many were surprised to see Hillary Clinton looking so comfortable with President Obama on “60 Minutes.” But on the other hand, Barack has done a lot more for Hillary’s reputation than the last Democratic president.

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Just how unwatchable a game is the Pro Bowl?   Many men probably decided Sunday they’d rather join their wives and watch the U.S. Figure Skating championships.

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Isn’t “Pro Bowl joke”   redundant?

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President Obama said that NFL players are grown men who are “well-compensated for the violence they do to their bodies”, but that college players with concussions “have nothing to fall back on. That’s something that I’d like to see the NCAA think about.” Responded the NCAA, sorry, we’re too busy looking into free meals and tattoos.

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In York PA, David Kime, who died at 88, loved Burger King so much that his funeral procession went through the drive-thru window. Family and friends all got a Whopper Jr., and one of the burgers was placed on his casket. But just think, had Kime avoided junk food he might have lived until 89.

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Remind me again why there are two weeks between the AFC/NFC Championships and the Super Bowl…    So we can have scintillating ESPN headlines like this? “Ravens wrap last home practice, pack gear.”

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Can we let Texas secede, please? Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) dismissed Obama’s nominees Chuck Hagel and John Kerry as “very prominently less than ardent fans of the U.S. military.” Right, and neither of these combat VETERANS know anything about the military.

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From T.C.  on next year’s Super Bowl being played outdoors in New Jersey: “Watch for SB XLVIIIBRRRR.”

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Bust to hell time:

A Secret Service dog accidentally fell six stories off a roof and died last night in New Orleans while working an event featuring V.P. Joe Biden. Either that or the poor dog got so tired of listening to Biden that he committed suicide.

Alternative version:    “The Secret Service plans to teach their dogs never again to ask directions from the local cats…”

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If you’re unhappy and you know it….

January 26, 2013

New York Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie supported QB Mark Sanchez by saying “When you don’t have a supporting cast, you’re going to get an average or below-average quarterback.” Well, actually the Jets had a great supporting cast, aka “Les Miserables.”

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Lance Armstrong’s lawyer told the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency that the cyclist will help ”clean up cycling.”    Makes as much sense as Bill Clinton signing the “Defense of Marriage Act.”

 

Titus Young, who has been sent home from the Detroit Lions 3 times in 2 years for insubordination, is now saying things on Twitter like “Oh I’m not done, if y’all going to cut me let me go” and threatening to retire if he doesn’t get the football. Even T.O. is thinking “Just STFU.”

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Dwight Howard on the Los Angeles Lakers: “Negativity just got to stop. I’m sick of hearing about it. We got to bring some positivity to the situation.” (And no doubt thinking “Especially because it’s harming my value on the free agent market when I’m out of here next season”)

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UCLA’s compliance department is investigating basketball star Shabazz Muhammad’s Gucci backpack, which the freshman wore it yesterday on television after the Arizona game. Uh, this one’s easy for Muhammad, just say he got the backpack on Canal Street on a trip to New York.

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This may only make sense to frequent fliers, but United Airlines has decided that 30 minutes is enough time at JFK airport to connect from their flight to a Swiss flight. Terminal 7 to Terminal 4. Really?! You’d have a better chance of seeing Tim Tebow lead the Jets to a Super Bowl.

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Sarah Palin, who has been a contributor to Fox News since 2010, is leaving the network, saying that it is her decision. Didn’t know Palin had signed a 6 year contract.

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Carl Pavano will be out for six to eight weeks after rupturing spleen shoveling show at home in Vermont. Hearing this the SF Giants breathed a sigh of relief that Jeremy Affeldt lives in Arizona.

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The California Highway Patrol says a naked woman has been arrested after allegedly driving her car into her fiance. How long until we can expect a made-for-tv movie starring Lindsay Lohan?

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Mark Zuckerberg is having a fundraiser at his home for Chris Christie. But given the New Jersey governor’s penchant for controversial statements, how long until Mark changes this relationship status to “It’s complicated.”

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Four U.S. men have now filed class action suits against Subway for fraud over their 11 inch “footlong” sandwiches. If these clowns don’t want to end up paying court costs for frivolous lawsuits they’d better hope no defense lawyer can find ex-girlfriends who might testify to their own exaggerated inches.

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Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal yesterday ” We’ve got to stop being the stupid party. It’s time for a new Republican Party that talks like adults.” Looks like he’s racing Chris Christie to see who can get thrown out of the GOP first.

 

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Yankees GM Brian Cashman thinks there’s “a chance” Alex Rodriguez could miss the whole season. Which means the third baseman could come as close to leading New York to another World Championship as he did in 2012.

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Cold days…

January 25, 2013

Icy cold temperatures are still blanketing the Northeast. But back in Southern California the only serious frost remaining is between Kobe Bryant and Dwight Howard.

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It’s an axiom in business that no one is irreplaceable. And somewhere Steve Jobs is thinking “Wrong again, suckers.”

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In a radio interview today about the Super Bowl, Jackie Harbaugh said. “I know one is going to win and one is going to lose but I really would like it to end in a tie. Can the NFL do that?” Paging Bud Selig!

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Sammy Sosa thinks he belongs in the Baseball Hall of Fame. Even Manti T’eo thinks “that’s delusional.”

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Hardest thing to believe about this Manti T’eo story? Maybe that in a era of “friends with benefits,” a young man who is a good looking star athlete would be willing to have a girlfriend without benefits.

 

The San Jose Sharks are 3-0. Which means that despite the strike the team is still ready to have a great season and then disappoint their fans in the playoffs.

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Asked a question about John Boehner’s contention that Obama is trying to annihilate the GOP, White House spokesman Jay Carney said that is not the President’s goal, and that he “would object” if the GOP was destroyed. What he didn’t add was “anyway, the Republicans seem to be doing a good job of that on their own.”

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John Mackey, CEO of Whole Foods, told Mother Jones, “Climate change is perfectly natural and not necessarily bad.” Wonder the reaction if you quoted that line at Whole Foods to the cashier next time you forget to bring your own bag.

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American Idol has done the impossible – make most Americans miss Paula Adbul.

 

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Two men are suing Lance Armstrong and his book publishers for fraud and false advertising because they say his two memoirs are full of lies. Wonder how long it will take bookstores to move all remaining copies to the “Fantasy” section.

or, (with an assist from my friend James Brady), considering the biotech involved, maybe the books should be in the “Science Fiction” section…

 

Did she or didn’t she? Now some say Beyonce was not lip-synching at President Obama’s inaugural, but just singing along to a pre-recorded track. How long until the GOP calls for a congressional investigation?

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In New Mexico, state Rep. Cathrynn Brown introduced a bill where a woman who aborted a pregnancy resulting from rape would be charged with a felony for “tampering with evidence.” Wow. Proving that today’s GOP doesn’t even need men to be anti-woman.

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Fighting words.

January 24, 2013

Secretary of State Leon Penetta today officially lifted the U.S.  military ban on women in combat.

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Anyone who doesn’t think women will be able to hold their own in combat has clearly never been to the first day of an after-Christmas sale.

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Phil Mickelson says his comments over maybe leaving California over taxes were “dumb” and that “it was insensitive to talk about it publicly to those people who are not able to find a job, that are struggling paycheck to paycheck.” Give Phil credit, he’s quicker with a damage control than many politicians.

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The longest two weeks in football – Super Bowl hype time. ESPN says the Chicago Cubs “did everything they could to talk Colin Kaepernick into playing baseball in 2009.” Uh, they drafted him in the 43rd round….

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Sacramento basketball fans are hoping against hope that a deal will be struck to keep Seattle from taking their Kings. Meanwhile, in Los Angeles, fans are close to begging anyone to take the Lakers.

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Regarding Tim Brown’s allegation that coach Bill Callahan “sabotaged” the Raiders in the Super Bowl…. Uh, the Patriots’ offensive coaches have to hope nobody tells this story to Gisele Bundchen.

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Trader Joe’s is raising the price of “Two-Buck Chuck,” a wine that has been $1.99 a bottle since 2002, to $2.49. I blame Obama.

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Cheap shots, concussions, DUI’s, isn’t it great to see that the NFL is focusing on what’s truly important ? The league fined 49ers’ RB Frank Gore $10,500 for wearing his socks too low during the NFL Championship Game. To be fair, it was his second offense this season….

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The NCAA is now apparently facing allegations of improper conduct in its OWN enforcement program for college athletics. In related news, I hear there might still be gambling in Casablanca.

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Manti Te’o said he only lied about his fake girlfriend briefly, just after he found out she wasn’t real in early December. So, okay, but if Deadspin hadn’t broken the story, how many more years would he have kept the fiction up?.

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Comedy writers might be feeling a little let down this week, after the Manti T’eo and Lance Armstrong stories last week. But wait, JaMarcus Russell is making a comeback. Thank you, Jesus!

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Rand Paul today in attacking Hillary Clinton called Benghazi “the worst tragedy since 9/11. And I really mean that.” Uh, really? Benghazi was awful. But the worst? Some parents in Sandy Hook and thousands of military parents might disagree, for starters.

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From Marc Ragovin:  “The Tampa Bay Rays, formerly the Devil Rays, have signed Juan Oviedo, who used to go by the name of Leo Nunez, just weeks after signnig Roberto Hernandez, who was once known as Fausto Carmona. Their home opener is against …… The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.”

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Back on the job

January 23, 2013

The NFL reinstated Saints coach Sean Payton two weeks early from his year-long suspension. Guess Roger Goodell still has hopes of being able to go into restaurants and bars during the next two weeks in New Orleans

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Andrew Luck will play in the Pro Bowl after Tom Brady pulled out due to an “undisclosed injury.” Translation – Brady is sick of settling for the Pro Bowl.

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20 degrees in Washington, D.C. So maybe some conservatives were right when they said America would re-elect President Obama when hell froze over.

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So does Beyonce have her Super Bowl recording ready yet?

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A Southwest Airlines flight aborted a takeoff from Denver when a warning light indicated a fire onboard. The jet stopped so abruptly that three tires blew out. No injuries, but wonder how long it will take to clean the seats..

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The Museum of the City of New York is showcasing one of the finalists of a “micro-apartment” contest- only 325 sq feet. And it’s still probably big enough to misplace your keys somewhere inside.

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Okay, so maybe many people expected the Los Angeles Lakers were over optimistic to think about contending for a title…. but in 2013, who thought they’d be being outplayed by the Wizards?

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You think you’ve flamed someone on FB is a bad mood, how about Anna Burns Welker, wife of Wes: “Proud of my husband and the Pats. By the way, if anyone is bored, please go to Ray Lewis’ Wikipedia page. 6 kids 4 wives. Acquitted for murder. Paid a family off. Yay! What a hall of fame player! A true role model!”

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It’s a wonderful thing that so many people who don’t usually travel were able to attend Barack Obama’s second inauguration. It is not so wonderful if you happen to be with them at the airport.

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CNN beat other cable news networks in covering President Obama’s oath and inaugural address. They drew 3.136 million viewers in all. MSNBC had 2.273 million viewers, and Fox News was last with1.316 million viewers.   But really, 1.316 Fox viewers?  Why?  They could have just waited for their anchors to tell them how bad the speech was.

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President Obama paused as he left the inauguration ceremony and said “I want to take a look one more time. I’m not going to see this again.” Hearing this Bill Clinton nudged Hillary and just smiled.

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From Gary Bachman:   “It’s so cold Lance Armstrong injected himself with soup.”

– and from Alex Kaseberg, in the “truth hurts” dept:  the truth hurts:   The worst part about Lance Armstrong being exposed as a liar, a bully and a cheater? It is admitting the French were right to despise him. Oh, man, how that hurts . . .

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Second time around.

January 22, 2013

Bizarre thing about Monday’s inauguration, President Obama was actually really sworn in again on Sunday. So the entire ceremony is about as real as a Manti T’eo engagement party.

So now that Obama has been inaugurated for his second term, how long until we see the first ads for the 2016 Presidential campaign?

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President Obama stumbled over the word “states” in his inaugural oath. Maybe he was thinking of the ones he wishes would secede?

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So in another generation will the President and Vice President take an oath on a iPad bible?

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Paul Ryan was booed as he left the Capitol this morning to attend President Barack Obama’s second inauguration ceremony. Wonder if the boos were from Democrats, or Republicans who think he lost Romney the election.

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President Obama said in his speech. “Any of us may face a job loss.” And Republican members of Congress on the platform are thinking “Why couldn’t it have been you?

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Phil Mickelson, who lives in Rancho Santa Fe, is saying he may have to make “drastic changes” because of new California tax laws that push his effective tax rate into what he says is 62-63%. Maybe Phil, who earned over $60 million last year, should talk to his near-neighbor, new La Jolla resident Mitt Romney.

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Investigators say that tests showed Lance Armstrong was probably still doping in 2009, so that he lied when he told Oprah he stopped in 2005. So the formerly idolized cyclist was still less than honest, I’m shocked, shocked….

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Atari filed for bankruptcy Monday. Shocking most Americans – “Atari is still in business?”

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Bill Clinton, paying close attention to Kelly Clarkson’s…. lyrics?

Image

Well, at least he’s consistent.

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Oh, brother.

January 21, 2013

Harbaugh Bowl here we come.

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The story is that Joanie Harbaugh, sister to John and Jim, is the most competitive of the Harbaugh siblings. Wonder how many NFL teams will be lining up to offer her a contract.

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Actually the Super Bowl itself should be no problem. But what John and Jim Harbaugh’s parents really want to do is to hide out from the media for 13 days of interview hell.

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Well, now that the SF 49ers are going to the Super Bowl, maybe they finally can get some corporation to pony up over $300 million for naming rights for their as yet unnamed Santa Clara stadium opening in 2014.

Monte T’eo has agreed to an televised interview with Katie Couric. Did even Oprah find his potential explanations unbelievable?

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Okay, I know I personally got distracted by the Manti T’eo girlfriend issue and Lance Armstrong but watching the 49ers Falcons game have to figure the  NFL outlawed pass defense last week while we weren’t paying attention?

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Happiest football fans in the country right now: anyone who went to Vegas and bet the “over” on the 49ers-Falcons. (Which was about 49.)

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Open note to all NFL players: Yes, I understand your exuberance over a good play, but is it really necessary to dance when it’s early in the first quarter?

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It took over five hours for Novak Djokovic to beat Stanislas Wawrinka in an Australian Open match. Five hours?! That’s almost as long as the opening remarks for a Joe Biden speech.

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Although the New York Jets hired Philadelphia Eagles offensive coordinator Marty Mornhinweg, they apparently have no interest in Michael Vick. Which is bad news, for comedy writers.

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Missed SNL this week, of course with Manti T’eo, Lance Armstrong, Jodie Foster’s speech, etc…felt like the entire week was an episode of SNL.

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At Newark Airport, a United Airlines employee was injured today when he was pinned between a luggage cart and a food service truck. Most travelers were shocked – United still has food trucks?

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Love Story for our time?

January 19, 2013

Having a fake girlfriend means never having to say you’re sorry.

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How quickly things can change. Was it only last week that the most talked about story involving a college football player and his girlfriend involved Brent Musberger?

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So someday will they make a documentary about this Subway Footlong controversy, and name it “Jared and the Angry Inch?”

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Cincinnati lineman Andre Smith was arrested Friday and charged with carrying a loaded gun at Atlanta’s airport. Well even though they are out of the playoffs, good to see that the Bengals are keeping in mid-season form.

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Regarding this latest NFL player caught with a loaded handgun at the airport: women may carry purses and have no idea of everything that’s inside them… but we don’t tend to forget things like a loaded .380 pistol.

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Private gun sales are being banned at a North Carolina gun show after three people were injured in an accidental shooting involving a 12-gauge shotgun. Waiting for the NRA to demand armed guards at gun shows

 

 

As we head into Inaugural weekend, the Dow and S&P 500 finished the week at their highest levels since December 2007. I blame Obama.

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The NHL opens their strike-shortened season tonight. Responded most Americans – “did we miss something?” –

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In a recent Gallup poll, 75% of Americans said they would vote for term limits for the House and Senate. About the same percentage who vote to re-elect their own members of Congress.

 

The SF 49ers’ Michael Crabtree is being questioned in a sexual assault case. Where’s a fantasy girlfriend when you need one?

 

With all these hoaxes going around has anyone checked to make sure if the Washington Wizards really won that road game against the Denver Nuggets Thursday?

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Earl Weaver passed away Saturday morning at the age of 82. Wonder who he’ll be kicking dirt on in heaven tonight?

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Hard as it might be for the younger generation to understand, Stan Musial became an icon without ever appearing on SportsCenter.

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from my funny friend Alex Kaseberg:  ” How annoying was Nicki Minaj on “American Idol”? If Nicki Minaj was Manti Te’o’s imaginary girlfriend, he would have broken up with her before she died.”

 

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Life in the fantasy lane.

January 18, 2013

Some are criticizing Manti T’eo for still talking about his girlfriend even after he found out she wasn’t real. But hey, plenty of people live with a fantasy they know doesn’t exist… like Cubs fans and their team in the World Series..

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Lance Armstrong not getting much positive feedback from his Oprah interview. Even O.J. Simpson is thinking “Dude, show some remorse.”

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Lance Armstrong told Oprah in the second part of his interview, that “I think I deserve” another chance. And “do I want to compete again? Hell, yes.”

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Will he ever be allowed to compete again?  IMHO, Hell, no.

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So when can we expect a Pulitzer Prize winning story on Manti T’eo and his girlfriend to be written by Janet Cooke?

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So, as this Lance Armstrong saga just won’t go away, anyone else hoping that the silver lining is that Sheryl Crow writes a really good song out of it?

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The FDA has now also approved Botox for treating patients with overactive bladder. So women who want to pretend they aren’t having work done can walk into the doctor’s office carrying a box of Depends.

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This Manti Te’o story gets weirder and weirder. Many college football fans are already hoping to get back to a more innocent time when the only fakes involving players are their transcripts.

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TSA wants all 535 members of Congress to start use Pre-Check lanes, as they “are known and trusted.” As if we needed more proof that the agency is out of touch -“known” yes, but “trusted?” Really?

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At Miami International Airport no one was injured but an Aerolineas Argentinas Airbus and Air France 777 sustained damage in a collision near their gates. Insert “foreign drivers in Florida” joke here:

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You cannot make this “stuff” up: University of California President Mark Yudof’s, who presided over a reduced pension plan for UC employees, has announced he will retired in August. Because the timing will mean Yudof will have been on the job five years, he will collect a lifetime pension of $230,000…..

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The SF Giants have signed Hunter Pence to a $13.8 million one year contract. Thus making his clubhouse pep talk before the Giants first elimination game the best paid speech in history.

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Ray Nagin, former Mayor of New Orleans, was indicted today on 21 federal corruption charges, including bribery, money laundering, fraud and filing false tax returns. Gosh, this almost qualifies Nagin to run for Governor of Louisiana.

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In Connecticut, a Catholic priest busted for allegedly dealing crystal meth was suspended after church officials discovered he was a cross-dresser who was having sex in the rectory with other. men. The Vatican is relieved, at least his partners were adults.

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He’s back….

January 18, 2013

clint

Photo sent to me by a friend of Clint  back  at work. This time  interviewing Manti T’eo’s girlfriend.

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One advantage to those imaginary girlfriend’s. They never ask you “Do these pants make me look fat?”

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Notre Dame is in major damage control mode.  Rumor has it they first tried to prove the girlfriend’s existence, but soon realized that proof of her voting in Chicago wouldn’t count.

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So what was Manti Te’o’s major at Notre Dame? Drama? Or Creative Writing?

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Marc Ragovin wonders if Manti went to Notre Dame or No Dame?

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This just in, as a way to cut down on illegitimate children and embarrassment to the league, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is recommending all players start having fantasy girlfriends.

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A silver lining for having a fantasy girlfriend? Manti T’eo will now forever be the favorite football player of a million Trekkies.

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And just last week we thought the most embarrassing thing to happen to Notre Dame football this year would be their performance against Alabama….

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Not sure if Lance Armstrong has any regrets after this week, but at least he has to be glad he didn’t plan to blame his doping on an imaginary girlfriend.

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Also not sure how much truth was in Lance Armstrong’s interview with Oprah.   But as to these sentences…  “This is too late. It’s too late for probably most people. And that’s my fault…” Yeah, right on all three counts.

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Things are getting contentious again in Washington. Fully expect House Republicans to ask President Obama to cut costs by exchanging Air Force One for a Dreamliner.

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Boeing 787 Dreamliners around the world have been grounded due to potential fire risk with battery failures. United Airlines, the only U.S. carrier to fly the planes, says they will resume flying 787s when it is both deemed safe and they figure out how to charge a battery surcharge.

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In a closed-door meeting Rep. Paul Ryan gave other House Republicans his advice about how to battle President Obama. Well yeah, and that worked so well last November.

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Ah, priorities. Arnold Schwarzenegger introduced himself in an online post, in order as “Former Mr. Olympia, Conan, Terminator, and Governor of California.” Well, to be fair, Arnold had more success with the first three.

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Fast food uproar after an Australia man posted a picture of a Subway foot-long sandwich that he measured at 11 inches. Women are rolling their eyes, figuring clearly it was a man who over-advertised the length in the first place.

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Whole Foods founder and CEO John Mackey says now he regrets recently comparing Obamacare to “fascism.” Mostly because someone probably told him that most Whole Foods customers voted for the President.

(although speaking of feeling like being in  a fascist system, try going into Whole Foods without a reusable bag…oh the horror.  I think in Northern California you’d stand out less with a Romney-Ryan button.)

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Fantasy football?

January 17, 2013

A Notre Dame Heisman candidate with a fake dead girlfriend…. As my friend Michael Santos says “Manti Teo, everyone’s favorite fantasy pick…”   –

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A rout MIGHT have been expected, but okay, with this year’s BCS National Championship, who predicted that the Alabama football program could also end up on the higher moral ground?

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And here most people thought the 2013 BCS game was the most embarrassing thing that could happen to Notre Dame football.   –

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November 30, 2013. Notre Dame vs. Stanford football in Palo Alto. Wonder if the the Stanford Band has already been warned “Don’t even DREAM of a dead girlfriend show…”

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American Idol started tonight. Which will be a nice diversion for Americans tired of watching Congress – aka American Idle.

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While a Southern California teacher lost her appeal over being fired for previous acting in porn films, up in Northern California, a police officer arrested when he was caught naked in a Motel 6 with a prostitute still has his job. What a country.

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Alex Rodriguez underwent successful hip surgery today. With an average 6-month recovery time the Yankees slugger expects to be back in plenty of time to do nothing in the playoffs.

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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg:  “The Post Office will sue Lance Armstrong for the $30 million in sponsorship money. That is when you know you’re in trouble when the Post Office is suing you for doing a bad job.”

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I’m thinking maybe Lance can pay them back by sharing some of his stuff. Because if any government agency needs PEDs..

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All this commotion about Lance Armstrong… Think how much better his reputation would be in the long run if years ago he just came out and said “Yeah, I doped, you couldn’t find a cyclist who didn’t. But I was the only one who did it after surviving cancer.”

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This Lance Armstrong circus coming on the heels of the Baseball Hall of Fame vote is making me long for the innocence of pro wrestling.

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Talk show host Michael Savage says you shouldn’t get a flu shot, because the government can’t be trusted. And presumably when you get sick you shouldn’t go to any doctor who went to public school or got his/her MD from a state university?

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ESPN reports that after USC lost to Georgia 21-7 in the Sun Bowl a “flat-out brawl” broke out in the team’s locker room. The brawl probably featured the Trojans hitting hard than they did in the game.

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Chip Kelly is very optimistic about his new job in Philadelphia. The new Eagles coach even figures by his second season he will finally have a team good enough to beat Alabama.

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Philadelphia fans are excited about getting Chip Kelly. Stanford fans are pretty pleased too!

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Kim Kardashian said on the Today Show that her pregnancy was a “pleasant surprise” because of her “fertility issues.” Gosh, so she was struggling to conceive all 72 days of her marriage?

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Oh baby.

January 16, 2013

Kim Kardashian says while she’s very happy with her baby daddy Kanye West, she’s not “in a rush” to get married again. Of course not, why try to sell another televised wedding when you can sell baby pictures.

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Kim and Kanye’s baby will likely be born the same month as Prince William and Kate’s baby.  Assume that Buckingham Palace has already responded to a Kardashian request for play dates with “Not bloody likely.”

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Denver Broncos offensive coordinator Mike McCoy has accepted the San Diego Chargers’ head coaching job. Well, this is one way for McCoy to reduce the chances of being criticized for his calls late in future playoff games.

 

Is it too soon for Boeing to rename it the “Nightmare Liner?”

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An Oxnard California teacher lost her appeal after she was fired last spring when students discovered she had appeared in porn films. Wonder how many fathers are signing petitions for THEIR childrens’ schools to give her a second chance.

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Eighteen severed human heads were discovered by customs agents at Chicago’s O’Hare airport. Authorities are trying to discover if the heads are medical specimens. If not, will they be searching topless bars?

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A Florida lawyer is suing the Spurs for sending their stars home from a road trip early, saying that fans attending San Antonio’s game against the Miami Heat “suffered economic damages” because they paid a premium price for a ticket to see a good team. Yikes. If he is successful, bring on the class action suit from Lakers fans.

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Not saying relations are combative between the White House and the GOP.. But at this point expect that if President Obama throws out the first pitch on Opening Day, some Republicans will call it a balk.

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The World Anti-Doping Agency says that Lance Armstrong’s confession to Oprah will not be enough to seek a reduction in his lifetime ban from sports. Have to assume that means Oprah now won’t be getting that additional interview with Pete Rose.

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Wal-Mart says it will commit to hiring every veteran who honorably left the military in the last year, over 100,000 people. Which is a good thing, although have to wonder how much it mattered to Wal-Mart that these new hires will come with their own healthcare benefits.

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The U.S. House just approved an aid package for states affected by Superstorm Sandy by a 241-180 vote. Assuming those 180 votes come from members of Congress who never intend to ask for disaster relief for their own states?

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