Author Archive
December 4, 2012
NY Jets coach Rex Ryan says he is undecided on next week’s starting QB, but insists he has confidence in McElroy, Tebow and Sanchez. Yikes. Has someone checked Ryan for concussions?
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Only bright spot for NY sports fans Monday? The Giants’ lackluster performance temporarily knocked the Jets off the front page.
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Five BCS games. Only five teams in those games ranked in the top ten. And only one game with a spread under 8. Guess that mean bitch karma isn’t a fan of television networks.
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The Mets are reportedly interested in trying to trade R.A. Dickey. But GM Sandy Alderson says fans should not take it as a sign that the team is pessimistic about their 2013 chances. Longtime fans are thinking. “The Mets had 2013 chances?”
Apparently Mitt Romney has gone back to work, rejoining Marriott’s board of directors. So President Obama’s job creation program is already working.
Kentucky’s men’s basketball team (4-3) fell out of the top 25 since John Calipari became coach in 2009. Calipari is so reportedly so upset with the team he might threaten the players with drastic punishment – like having to go to class.
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Really? SI’s Sportsman of the Year is Lebron James?! Are they going to have a one-hour television special about how they came to that decision?
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Derek Jeter has a broken ankle, A-Rod now needs hip surgery and will probably miss some of the 2013 season. Not saying the team is old but Yankees could end up wasting more money than a bad Medicare program.
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A recent poll showed that Americans ranked Congress as second lowest out of 22 professions for honesty and ethical standards, higher only than car sellers. On the bright side, lawyers are happy to look good by comparison.
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A New Jersey man will be arraigned today on the charge of “destruction of an aircraft” after he punched and broke a window on a JetBlue plane when he was unhappy with his seat assignment. So coming next, does this mean an airline “window security” fee?
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Serious thought for a change: An aside to the gun control debate with the Chiefs player who murdered his girlfriend, maybe this is also time to both renew the NFL’s focus on concussions? And it is DEFINITELY time to do everything possible to destigmatize professional athletes going to mental health professionals.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: basketball jokes, Janice Hough, NY Jets jokes, Rex Ryan jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
December 3, 2012
Sunday, the San Francisco Bay Area moaned about another day of rain. And up in Seattle they are just giggling.
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Duke vs. Cincinnati, Dec 27 in Charlotte. Supposedly in the “Belk Bowl.” But are we sure this isn’t a basketball tournament?
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Kobe Bryant, after the Lakers’ latest loss to Orlando Sunday night: the team had “better make the adjustments they need.” or “I’ll kick everybody’s ass in this locker room if that doesn’t happen.” Hmm, maybe Kobe is angling for being the next coach after Mike D’Antoni?
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Meanwhile, now playing in SF, quarterback controversy, act two…..
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Watching Jim Harbaugh talking to the media reminds me of a cat toying with a room full of mice: The 49ers coach after today’s loss that there will be “no change” at quarterback but if there is a change, he would let everyone know….
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Louisiana Tech (9-3), turned down an invitation to play in the AvoCare V100 Independence Bowl against the Univ. of Louisiana-Monroe.(8-4) Tough for Louisiana Tech players, but hey, what a nice break for some TBD .500 team that just missed the postseason.
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A Sunday ad insert for “Bed, Bath and Beyond” features “Waiting for Santa” pet pajamas, along with “one size fits all” antlers. The ad features a picture of a dressed up dog. Presumably because there isn’t enough liability insurance to have anyone risk trying to put that outfit on a cat.
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Tim Tebow was declared “inactive” for Sunday’ss Jets-Cardinals matchup. And this was different from Rex Ryan’s usual game plan how? .
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At the beginning of the year some said Tim Tebow wasn’t an NFL quarterback. Now we know Mark Sanchez isn’t either.
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Northern Illinois is in the Orange Bowl? Hey, if they win will the Huskies get an invitation to join the SEC?
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And back to politics: Just wondering why since John Boehner is all about spending cuts, he’s not suggesting any reduction in military spending? (From Wikipedia – The U.S. DOD about 19$ of the budget 28% of estimated tax revenues. Including non-DOD expenditures, military spending was approximately 28–38% of budgeted expenditures and 42–57% of estimated tax revenues.)
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: BCS jokes, football jokes, NY Jets jokes, San Francisco jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
December 2, 2012
Okay, going out on a limb here and willing to bet that a team wearing white and red will win the Rose Bowl.
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Before any Stanford fans freak out about the 70 points Wisconsin put up against Nebraska, two reality checks: 1. The Badgers have FIVE losses. 2. One of these losses was 10-7 against Oregon State.
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One thought going through the head of any long-time Stanford fan watching the Big Ten championship – “Thank God Ron Dayne has graduated.”
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A little perspective, please? SF Chronicle story about SF 49ers QB Alex Smith is headlined “Playing well and then a cruel twist of fate.” Uh, I have no doubt Smith is disappointed to be demoted, but he’s young, healthy and making $5 million this year – Life could be a lot worse.
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So now that we are learning that on any given Saturday any SEC team can beat another, it’s a shame we don’t really know how they match up with Pac 12 teams… Gosh, if only there was a way to compare them on the field.
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Oregon State played Nicholls State, from Thibodaux, LA, today in a “home opener” rescheduled from Sept 1. due to Hurricane Isaac. The Beavers won 77-3. Wonder if Nicholls State can re-apply for disaster relief.
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A new dating site, Meetattheairport.com, is designed for travelers to meet while they are waiting for their flights. Let’s hope the major airlines don’t get wind of this…they may start charging more for delays as potential extra mingling time.
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So what exactly does it take to get national respect? Announcers on CBS Sports just talked about how UCLA outplayed Stanford yesterday but won’t go to the Rose Bowl because they lost the game….. (really.)
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Finally some good news in the court of public opinion for Lindsay Lohan? Tiffany Williams, the woman she allegedly punched in Manhattan, has hired Gloria Allred as her lawyer.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: college football jokes, Janice Hough, rose bowl jokes, Stanford jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
December 1, 2012
The nerds are going to Pasadena. (Move over Cal Tech)
Is it too early to start the 2013 Kevin Hogan for Heisman campaign?
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The Stanford vs. UCLA Pac 12 championship was played at 5p. Scheduled for all those East Coast prime time market fans who really cared. Both of them.
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“The only good thing about Grover Norquist is he’s named after a character from ‘Sesame Street.'” — Former Pres. George W. Bush adviser Matthew Dowd. But while Elmo has been accused of screwing underage boys, this Grover has been screwing the whole country.
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Monte Kiffin says he will retire as USC’s defensive coordinator after their bowl game. Trojan fans are just praying “Like father, like son.”
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A Oregon man lost on Mount Hood in a blizzard was rescued from a storm after he posted a screenshot to Facebook with his GPS coordinates. Of course, maybe if he hadn’t been updating his FB page while hiking he might not have gotten lost in the first place.
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The new owner of the New Orleans Hornets, Tom Benson, says he would like to change the name to something more “fitting” of Louisiana. If he can get the NBA to make the change does this make the whole team players to be named later?.
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The Phoenix Suns on Dec. 6 will guarantee its fans that they will have fun at the game or they can apply for a refund. But define “fun.” Heck, for a certain type there’s always “Fifty Shades of the Washington Wizards.”
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Not saying college football is overly in love with replay, but expect any day now to have an official review to see if a timeout is long enough.
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Got to love all this media effort to search for the Powerball winners. What a country, considering the odds, we glorify people who were idiotic enough to buy tickets.
(and hey, the lottery for cheap entertainment value, sure, why not. But as a retirement plan?)
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NBA commissioner David Stern fined San Antonio $250,000 after they sent 3 top players home early from a road trip, thereby missing the game against the Miami Heat. Stern said the fine was because the Spurs “did a disservice to the league and our fans.” So why doesn’t he fine the Wizards EVERY night?
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: NCAA jokes, Rose Bowl, Stanford jokes, Wizards jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
November 30, 2012
After she allegedly punched another woman in the face at a Manhattan nightclub, Lindsay Lohan was arrested early this morning. So congratulations to all those who had November 29 in the pool.
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Silver lining for Lindsay Lohan after her latest arrest, for punching a woman in the face at a nightclub. She may not get any new offers to star in made-for-TV movies, but Lohan stands a good chance of a contract from Celebrity Boxing.
B.J. Upton,, who hit .246 last year, signed a $75.25 million, five-year contract with the Atlanta Braves. Forget the Hall of Fame, MLB players should build a SHRINE to Marvin Miller and Curt Flood..
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You cannot make this “stuff” up: Hostess Brands Inc. is asking a judge to approve giving its top execs bonuses totaling up to $1.8 million. The company says the incentive pay is needed to retain the 19 managers during the liquidation process, which could take about a year. Maybe they could pay them in Twinkies?
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V.P. Joe Biden made a public shopping trip and chose the new Costco in Washington, D.C. Makes sense, picking up “a few” items at Costco is like Biden himself saying “a few” words.
From my funny friend Jerry Perisho: “As Mitt Romney drove away following the meeting, White House staffers did a quick check to locate Bo.”
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“Honey Badger” Tyrann Mathieu was suspended from the LSU team in Aug. over drug charges, then arrested for marijuana possession while in rehab. Now Mathieu is entering the next NFL draft, saying he is “committed to tackling my personal issues” And what better place than the NFL to avoid temptation?
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A Oregon man lost on Mount Hood in a blizzard was rescued from a storm after he posted a screenshot to Facebook with his GPS coordinates. Of course, maybe if he hadn’t been updating his FB page while hiking he might not have gotten lost in the first place.
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While they didn’t hit the big Powerball, 20 police officers in Columbus, Ohio will share a $1 million prize. To paraphrase Homer Simpson “Mmm, donuts. LOTS of donuts….”
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The NCAA just approved a bowl waiver for Georgia Tech’s, allowing them to playa bowl game even if they lose to Florida State this weekend and finish 6-7. Well, how heartbreaking is this for all those 5-8 teams who came oh so close to the postseason….
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The Spurs will apparently be fined after sending Tim Duncan, Tony Parker and Manu Ginobili home to rest before playing the Grizzlies Saturday, causing them to miss Thursday’s game against the Heat. Guess San Antonio should have followed NBA regular season protocol and just had their stars show up and sleepwalk through the game.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: bowl game jokesokeswww, football jokes, Lindsay Lohan jokes, NCAAj jokes, Twinkies jokes, USC jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
November 29, 2012
President Obama and Mitt Romney will meet at the White House today for a post-election/pre-Christmas lunch. Wonder if they will exchange gifts?
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The NYPD announced that on Monday that for the “first time in memory” there was not a single murder in New York City. Wow. guess Cyber Monday keeps even the bad guys from working.
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Mike D’Antoni, expressing regret for leaving Phoenix, said “I should never have gone to New York.” Wonder how long it might be before he says “I should never have gone to Los Angeles?”
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Parents have apparently named their newborn girl “Hashtag.” Wonder if along with the college fund they’re putting money away for future counseling?
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Have to wonder, with San Jose State’s football team 10-2, how long until they join the Big East? Heck, they aren’t that much west of San Diego State
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Uh oh…. the Washington Wizards actually won a game. And we are only 23 days away from the end of the Mayan calendar. Should we be worried?
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Ndamukong Suh was fined $30k for kicking Matt Schaub in the groin, but claims it was “inadvertent.” Right, like he’s going to say “Of course I meant to kick a QB in the nuts?”
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We wonder sometimes how this nation got so much into debt: For starters, take a look at all the people whose idea of a retirement plan is winning the Powerball lottery.
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Starbucks is now selling a premium coffee for $6 for the smallest cup. Does it come with a designer label so you can advertise how much you spent on it?
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Marissa Mayer of Yahoo says of working motherhood: “The baby’s been easy. The baby’s been way easier than everyone made it out to be.” Gosh, even dealing with all those the nanny shift changes?
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-A thought about the 2012 GOP primary: “Half of them were probably on Fox contracts at one point in their career. You do that. You write some books. You go out and you sell some more. You get a radio gig or a TV gig out of it or something. And it’s like, you say to yourself, the barriers of entry to this game are pretty damn low.” From that liberal pundit Jon Huntsman.
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Anyone else addicted to “Nashville?” Yeah, it’s a soap, really. But great acting, good-looking people and better music than many singing reality shows.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Lakers jokes, Marissa Mayer jokes, NBA jokes, New York jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
November 28, 2012
The man responsible for Apple’s much criticized new iPhone 5 mapping software has been fired. Presume in this case they actually did have to show him the door.
Speaker John Boehner announced all 19 major House committee chairs for the next congress, and all 19 are white men. So alas for diversity, the only man of color amongst GOP congressional leadership, is orange.
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Some disgruntled Dallas Cowboys fans have started a petition asking President Obama to remove their “controlling, delusional, oppressive dictator” – i.e. owner and GM Jerry Jones. Alas Washington residents know if Obama had that power, he’d have already removed Dan Snyder.
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Donald Trump said in a just-published interview that Mitt Romney’s self-deportation immigration policy was “crazy” and “maniacal” Well, and if anyone knows crazy and maniacal…
Regarding the DWTS finale: Clearly I am missing something….but since when do you become a “star” by having a public romance and breakup on a “reality” TV show? Guess it’s as plausible as achieving stardom by being a pregnant teenager.
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First it was Charlie Sheen melting down. Now actor Angus T. Jones from “Two and a Half Men” is apologizing for calling the show “filth” and “inappropriate” in interviews. Uh, anyone want to get some preventive help for Jon Cryer?
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The Washington Wizards are now 0-12. Fans may have already given up hopes for the NBA playoffs. But there’s always the N.I.T.
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Wonder how long until the Washington Generals try to schedule a game against their crosstown rivals?
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When Marvin Miller, who passed away today at the age of 95, first fought for free agency, George Steinbrenner was one of the owners against it, saying that anyone would be able to build a team. And yeah, the system sure has ended up hurting the Yankees….
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Maybe I’m missing something, but did Americans ever elect Grover Norquist?
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The Eagles cut DE Jason Babin in the midst of a disappointing year, and after he took to Twitter to question the loyalty of some fans. Uh, Jason, it’s Philadelphia. They not only boo Santa Claus, they’d cut him too if he didn’t live up to expectation.
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Tulane is the latest school to join the Big East for football. Perfect, now they can change the conference name to the “Big Easy” and be done with it.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Apple jokes, DWTS jokes, iPhone5 jokes, NCAA jokes, Wizards jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
November 27, 2012
Anyone remember that Stanford opening game 20-17 football win against San Jose State? And Cardinal fans were thinking it was going to be a VERY long year. Well, guess who’s ranked #25? Yep, those San Jose State Spartans. Higher in fact, than USC.
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But really, the Spartans over the Trojans? Shouldn’t a wooden horse be involved?
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So maybe the Philadelphia Eagles and USC Trojans save contract money by just swapping coaches? Both Andy Reid and Lane Kiffin seriously underachieved this year with their professional teams.
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UCLA’s men’s basketball team lost 70-68 on Sunday to Cal Poly (San Luis Obispo). Just as well John Wooden has passed away, otherwise this would have killed him.
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The NFL will not suspend Detroit Lions DT Ndamukong Suh will for kicking Houston Texans QB Matt Schaub in the groin. Allegedly because they weren’t sure it was intentional. You think if it were a no-name player from a sub .500 team that the league would have cared about the distinction?
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Kyrsten Sinema, elected in a very close Arizona race, will now be Congress’s first openly bisexual member. Not to be confused with a number of Congressmen who have been known to buy sex.
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Grover Norquist said today that his Americans for Tax Reform group would work to unseat Republicans who break their pledge to never vote for higher taxes. If Norquist has this much power, how do any Democrats get re-elected?
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Apparently anyone who wants to can spend $125 a ticket- $3000 a table – plus food and drink – simply to be in the same Vegas nightclub as Kim Kardashian on New Year’s Eve. (Although Kim and friends will be in a separate VIP area.) One word – “Why?”
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A recent CNN poll indicates more than 2/3 of Americans predict that congress will handle that “fiscal cliff” like “spoiled children.” Not true. Spoiled children still often act ultimately in their own self-interest.
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A-Rod and his latest girlfriend, Torrie Wilson, a former Playboy model and professional wrestler, spent the weekend in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. No word on the size of their suite, but presume it had plenty of mirrors.
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Anyone looking for material? On Cyber Monday, (or Cyber Tuesday, as the case may be) my comedy writing friend Neil Berliner and I would like to announce that all our Mitt Romney jokes will be 47% off.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Congress jokes, Janice Hough, Kardashian jokes, Lane Kiffin jokes, San Jose State jokes, Trojan jokes, USC jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
November 25, 2012
Apparently Charlie Sheen sent Lindsay Lohan a $100,000 check towards her IRS bill. A nice gesture, of course, her antics HAVE helped keep him off the front page.
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Former U of Tennessee and NFL WR Cedrick Wilson has been suspended from his Memphis teaching job as one of 18 people charged- so far- in a alleged scheme to help potential public school teachers cheat on their certification tests. Who says college football doesn’t prepare you for the real world?
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North Carolina State football coach Tom O’Brien has been fired after a 7-5 season. 7-5?! With that kind of record the Carolina Panthers would have rewarded him with at least a 10 year extension.
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Mark Buehrle is now complaining that that the Miami Marlins lied to him. And the Florida taxpayers on the hook for their new stadium are thinking “get out the bleeping violins.”
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Mitt Romney is apparently moving to La Jolla. If he’d paid more attention to Prop 30 maybe Mitt would have spent more time campaigning in California.
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Penn State coach Bill O’Brien may or may not have praised his team by calling a bunch of “f**kers” in a postgame interview. Either way, at least there’s no chance it’s the most embarrassing story for the school this year.
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Who’d a thunk this? Right now according to the AP poll the best two-loss college football team is NOT in the SEC?
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All this misty-eyed talk about Notre Dame and their season of destiny is pushing me towards the impossible – rooting for an SEC team.
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But really, “Destiny’s Darlings?” (What ESPN said about the Fighting Irish) Sounds like a bad wannabe girl band.
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Wonder if there will be special tattoos commemorating Ohio State’s unbeaten season….
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At Saturday’s BYU basketball game, two fans printed 6,300 “Chicago to Provo” t-shirts to give out to fans in hopes of swaying Jabari Parker, a highly ranked senior from Chicago Simeon Career Academy. The donated shirts are legal – now someone buying the kid a hot dog, that would be a violation.
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A JetBlue flight attendant was arrested at JFK airport for allegedly helping her boyfriend steal an iPhone from another traveler. This is not supposed to happen; the only airline people allowed to ripoff the public are those who come up with all those surcharges.
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The St. Louis Cardinals’ David Freese is okay after crashing his SUV while trying to avoid a deer. And Tiger Woods said “Why didn’t I think of that excuse?”
And for what little it’s worth: Stanford 10-2, with 9 games against teams who will be playing in bowls this season. (Notre Dame, Oregon, USC, UCLA, Washington, Oregon State,Arizona, San Jose State and Duke. Seriously.)
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, BCS jokes, NCAA jokes, Notre Dame jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
November 23, 2012
If you’re reading this, then for another year there’s one more thing to be thankful for – you’ve survived your relatives.
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And for anyone who does Black Friday shopping online, shouldn’t there be an online game you can click to where you can virtually trample or be trampled?
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As we head towards Cyber Monday, have to think retailers could get a lot more men participating if they could just figure out a way to bet on it.
Hey, if we don’t buy enough crap, we tank the economy. So shopping is actually somewhat patriotic.
New Jersey was hit by a small earthquake. Either that or Chris Christie has taken up jogging.
(and note to anyone who is offended. Christie HIMSELF tells fat jokes, so the rest of us have dispensation.)
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My friend Tarun Reddy points out the Miami Marlins FB status update today: “Skip the lines and save up to 30% on Marlins gear at marlins.com” Wonder if this also means for other MLB teams that there will be a 30% discount on any remaining Marlins players..
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Ben Roethlisberger and his wife Ashley just had their first child, a boy. Disappointing all those who were hoping for a girl so that someday Big Ben could watch her grow up and start going out to bars.
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So throwing a challenge flag on a play that should be automatically reviewed not only is a penalty, but makes the play unreviewable? What a shame for Detroit that they didn’t have replacement refs who wouldn’t have known that stupid rule.
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Guess it wouldn’t have been Thanksgiving without Ndamukong Suh being a douchebag.
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Lots of controversy over Thanksgiving night store openings:. While I understand the problems for employees, it does make a certain amount of sense. Families could go right from watching football to participating in the real American contact sport – shopping.
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The Los Angeles Lakers just lost 97-113 to the Sacramento Kings. Have the calls already started to fire Mike D’Antoni?
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It’s a Happy Thanksgiving in 49 states. Dallas lost.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: black friday jokes, cyber shopping jokes, Janice Hough, shopping jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
November 22, 2012
First of all, besides the usual family and friends stuff, am very thankful to anyone who reads this blog. Whether it’s regularly or whether you stumbled upon it looking for a joke, you all are the reason I write. And I hope I brighten your day.
I also really appreciate everyone who takes the time to comment, whether it’s positive or negative, or to add a line I wish I’d written.
But today is time for a special thanks also to all those who make these jokes possible.
This year, in no particular order, special thanks to the Chicago Cubs, the New York Yankees, the Boston Red Sox (especially departed manager Bobby Valentine), the Los Angeles Dodgers (especially their trade with the Red Sox), and the Miami Marlins.
Thanks to Jamie Moyer too, who alas probably has retired for good. But he was a great competitor, an excellent punchline, and from all I hear, an even better human being. (Runs a foundation for children in distress.)
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Plus another serious thank you (okay, I get one) to the San Francisco Giants. For making us realize that the impossible sometimes is merely the unlikely. And who somehow managed to win the World Series without being on the brink of elimination to the Detroit Tigers.
Thanks to the replacement refs, and to the NFL for maintaining for so long that there was no problem with them. Thanks to the Philadelphia Eagles and the NY Jets for imploding so spectacularly. And the Washington Redskins and Oakland Raiders for not being far behind.
Thanks to the NBA for the shortened season (can we do this every year), and to the Lakers for assuring that even at the beginning of the season we have some drama.
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Thanks to the BCS for being as screwed up as ever, the NCAA for turning “student-athlete” into a perennial punchline, and the SEC for making the New York Yankees look humble.
Oh, yes, and thanks to the conferences whose inability to grasp the concept of math (10 is 14?) is equaled only by their utter fail at geography. (San Diego State in the Big East?)
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Thanks to politicians on both sides of the aisle. With the GOP primaries, they provided far more targets, not to mention the multiple personalities of Mitt Romney but the Dems always have Bill Clinton and Joe Biden.
And President Obama, for being someone we can blame EVERYONE on. (If he thinks the punchlines are bad, wait until his second term, when the girls hit puberty while Michelle probably goes through menopause.)
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And finally, thanks to all the folks in this world, famous and not so famous, who continue to act in absurd ways where often punchlines aren’t even necessary.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving humor, Thanksgiving jokes, Thanksgiving thanks
Comments: 14 Comments
November 21, 2012
Really? A recent study indicates that 70% of teens have concealed their online behavior from parents. Uh, don’t at least 70% of teens regularly conceal most things from parents?
So in future will proof of age be required to purchase a “Tickle Me Elmo?”
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Tacky alert: Two of this year’s new Sesame Street toys are “LOL Elmo” and “Let’s Rock! Elmo.” Will they now be known as “OMG Elmo” and “Let’s Get Your Rocks Off! Elmo?”
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A woman is recovering after being shot in the leg Tuesday night during an argument with another shopper in a supermarket near Los Angeles. Wow. Black Friday just starts earlier every year.
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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg:
AAA declares today the busiest traveling day; and, due to dealing with relatives, AA declares Thursday the busiest drinking day.
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ESPN got a 12 year contract for the new college football playoff starting after the 2014 season. So for fans tired of East Coast Bias, we can now look forward to East Coast + SEC Bias.
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Where do you go when you lose an election? Mitt Romney was seen with his grandchildren at Disney World yesterday. (Good for him. But I blame Obama.)
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The SF 49ers’ Colin Kaepernick said after Monday’s game “I don’t want there to be a (QB) controversy.” And the Chicago Bears responded, “Well, heck, you could have taken care of that with a few interceptions.”
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So much for bipartisan anything. Here’s PETA to President Obama on his Thanksgiving pardon:. “Turkeys do not need to be ‘pardoned’-they are not guilty of anything other than being born into a world of prejudice. They are innocents who should be respected for who they are: good mothers, smart birds, and interesting animals.”
The Florida Marlins’ current 2013 opening day payroll? $36 million. To put that in perspective, that makes the Oakland A’s ($59 million) look like big spenders.
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For further perspective, A-Rod’s one year 2013 salary- $30 million. Although A-Rod and the Marlins have something in common. Neither are relevant in October.
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For General Petraeus, it could be worse. In Vienna, a woman confessed in court to shooting, sawing up and freezing both her ex-husband and her lover, and then burying them under her store in 2008 and 2010, and then burying them in the basement. (She was extradited from Italy for the trial after workers installing pipes found some body parts, and is currently pregnant by ANOTHER man.)
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Elmo jokes, football jokes, Janice Hough, Thanksgiving jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
November 21, 2012
San Francisco just voted to ban public nudity. Can they work on Spandex next?
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And in the “You can’t make this ‘stuff’ up, department”, the San Francisco Supervisor who originally proposed the public nudity ban? Scott Wiener.
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USC redshirt freshman quarterback Max Wittek is making his first start Sat. against #1 Notre Dame. And said today “I’m gonna go out there, I’m gonna play within myself, within the system, and we’re gonna win this ballgame.” Well he may be young, but if nothing else, Wittek’s cocky enough to be a true Trojan.
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So as a result of a Twitter challenge, Cory Booker and one of his “followers” may both try to live on food stamps for a week. Actually, if a New Jersey leader should attempt to live on a restricted diet, shouldn’t it be Chris Christie?
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And for all those who wondered, where’s the missing piece in this sleazy saga…. Natalie Khawam (the twin sister of Jill Kelley, who was the woman General Petraeus’s mistress threatened in emails), just held a press conference with her new attorney, Gloria Allred.
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Hostess said today they failed to reach an agreement in mediation with their union and will continue their liquidation proceedings. So guess all those Ebay Twinkie auctions are back on.
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Now it makes sense: According to ESPN, Rutgers should receive about $24 million a year as part of the Big Ten, compared to $6 million football members of the Big East got last year. In return, the Big Ten gets a member in the largest media market in the country… I guess geography matters after all.
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Plaxico Burress is back with the Steelers. Apparently Pittsburgh decided to take a shot at it.
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Some Ohio State fans apparently have started a petition asking President Obama to revoke their probation and 2012 Bowl Ban. Who do they think they are? An SEC team?
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Meanwhile, Maryland is heading to the Big Ten. In nearby Washington, fans wonder if they could take the Wizards with them.
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Guessing those “Tickle Me Elmo” dolls aren’t going to be such a hot seller this Christmas.
(Or will they be stocked in “adult boutiques”?)
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Cal AD Sandy Barbour on the firing of football coach Jeff Tedford. “This was an extraordinarily difficult decision, one that required a thorough and thoughtful analysis of a complex set of factors.” Wow, and Barbour said it with a straight face.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Big Ten jokes, Janice Hough, San Francisco nudity ban jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
November 20, 2012
Well, if the SF 49ers’ Alex Smith didn’t have a headache before tonight.
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Will Smith go down in history as the 49ers Wally Pipp?
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A bug in the new version of Google’s mobile operating system omits the month of December. And a whole lot of stressed out folks responded “and the problem with that is…?”
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Hostess Brands and a key union just agreed to tried to mediate their dispute, so the company may not shut down after all. This is bad news for folks who bought thousands of Twinkies to sell on Ebay. I blame Obama.
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Eagles’ coach Andy Reid said he won’t resign, because quitting would be a “cop-out” after he has asked the players to keep fighting. And Philadelphia fans are thinking, “Hey, it’s okay, think of your family, relax, take some time off…
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Rutgers and Maryland to the Big 10?!! Right, because when you think of the Midwest, you think of New Jersey and Maryland.
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Going into the last regular season college football weekend, who’d a thunk the most popular team at BCS headquarters might well be Kent State? No joke. Had Kent State not upset Rutgers, the Big East’s Scarlet Knights would be undefeated, and two wins away from a legitimate claim over a one-loss SEC team to be in the championship game.
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David Beckham announced that he is leaving the Los Angeles Galaxy after the MLS Cup on Dec. 1. Retiring? Of course not? Who do we think he is? Brett Favre?
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Petraeus biographer Paula Broadwell apparently is telling friends she is ‘devastated” by the fallout from their relationship. Here’s a hint for the future Paula – if you have to have an affair, it’s best not to go batshit crazy to “defend” it.
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The man who recanted his accusation of underage sex against Elmo puppeteer Kevin Clash now apparently wants to recant his recantation, along with the $125,000 settlement. Even General Petraeus is thinking “Bad person to have a relationship with, dude.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, BCS jokes, Big Ten jokes, Colin Kaepernick jokes, Janice Hough, Petraeus jokes, Rutgers jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
November 19, 2012
Even Oregon and Maryland are thinking… those Pittsburgh throwback uniforms are UGLY.
A question about those Pittsburgh throwback jerseys. Can they throw them back?
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-USC’s Matt Barkley is officially out against Notre Dame. Leaving the team in the hands of redshirt freshman Max Wittek. Uh, before everyone concedes the game to the Fighting Irish, they might remember that had Stanford started THEIR redshirt freshman in South Bend, the Cardinal probably would have won.
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Got to love it. While some Texans have signed a petition to secede, some in Austin have in turn filed a petition to secede from Texas and remain part of the Union should that happen, stating it is “entirely feasible for Austin to operate as its own state.” Hey, it could work.
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How bad have the Philadelphia Eagles looked lately? Forget the NFL playoffs – they don’t look like a team that would be BCS bowl eligible.
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Andrew Luck has had a great rookie year, but this might have been the one week where he wishes he had taken advantage of that last year of eligibility at Stanford.
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The Oakland Raiders have been outscored 123-34 in the third quarter this year. Uh, maybe instead of halftime adjustments the team should spend the time doing something more productive, like updating their Facebook pages.
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Los Angeles Times conservative columnist Charlotte Allen has apparently seriously endorsed Sarah for the 2016 GOP nomination. So who says Democrats never agree with Republican ideas?
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Newt Gingrich today said that Mitt Romney’s comment that President Obama won the election by offering “gift” was “nuts.” Well, if anyone knows “nuts”….
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Apparently 76ers center Andrew Bynum may have further damaged his knees while bowling. So for other professional athletes signing contracts, will this mean one more added to the list of prohibited dangerous sports?
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So after that road upset of Oregon, Stanford moves up in the AP poll from #14 all the way to… #11? Of course there are five SEC teams ahead of them. Shocking.
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On the other hand, Stanford is #8 in the BCS rankings. Guess it helps to have graduates who can program those computers
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Curious sidelight to yesterday’s Pac 12 upset: So for the second year in a row, ESPN’s Lee Corso got his Oregon-Stanford “College Gameday” pick wrong.
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From “Northern Neutral Observer” (translation, T.C. from Canada) ” A team named after condoms will prevail over a team with a Leprechaun as its mascot.
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And from Gary M, about the gun store owner who says he won’t sell to Obama supporters because they aren’t “responsible” enough. “Like so many, when I think of responsible gun owners, I immediately think of Arizona.”
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: BCS jokes, Pittsburgh Steelers uniform jokes, Stanford jokes, Steelers uniforms
Comments: 2 Comments
November 18, 2012
Caption contest for the above?
Maybe they were expecting an Oregon-Kansas State BCS championship game?
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Forget Duck A L’Orange. How about Duck A L’Cardinal? Go Stanford.
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Apparently Duck hunting season started early this year in Eugene.
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Stanford is one quarterback substitution earlier in the year (and maybe one change of placekicker) to being in the discussion for the BCS championship.
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Florida Gov. Rick Scott said in a speech to conservatives this week that “the election is over. Get over it.” And of course his state should be done counting ballots any week now.
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A Northern Arizona gun shop owner has the following sign in his window: “If you voted for Barack Obama your business is not welcome. You have proven you are not responsible enough to own a firearm.” Wait a minute. Isn’t that gun control?
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Maryland and Rutgers are in talks to become the 13th and 14th members of the Big Ten. And we wonder why football players are bad at math.
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At the “Books Inc” bookstore, copies of “Anna Karenina” with photo of Keira Knightly on cover are on the front display. Wonder how many of the younger generation are thinking “Wow, they wrote that fast to go with the movie opening.”
So after Alabama’s loss to Texas A & M, the Crimson Tide followed up this weekend with the powerhouse opponent Western Carolina. Can’t imagine how SEC teams get the reputation of playing out-of-conference cupcakes.
“I am pro-life, but because life is complicated, that choice is between a woman and her idea of a higher power. I believe if Roe vs. Wade were repealed, abortion would still go on. I care more about my economy, national security, and fiscal conservatism than I do about what women do with their bodies. It’s not my place, and I don’t believe it’s the government’s place, to make such decisions.” Maybe the GOP nominated the wrong McCain in 2008. This quote is from Meghan.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: BCS jokes, college football jokes, Oregon Ducks jokes, SEC jokes, Stanford jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
November 17, 2012
Most analysts think that despite the Hostess liquidation, the Twinkies brand will eventually live on with another company. And hey, given the shelf life of the current product, Twinkies fans who stock up have another decade or two to find out.
Apparently Kate Middleton has declined both Kim Kardashian’s request to meet for tea, and free samples from the Kardashian British line, which according to the National Enquirer includes skintight sequin minidresses, pleather pants and blue leopard-print tops. Yep, Kate is DEFINITELY adding points to the IQ of the British royal gene pool.
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My husband asked who I am mad at over the Hostess shutdown: It’s a multiple answer: I’m mad at the unions for making this easy, I’m mad at management for the loss of all jobs, and I’m mad at the media for buying into the idea that reasonable union concessions would have made a long term difference.
(And really, could anyone imagine “Whole Grain High Fiber Twinkies”? Or “Gluten-Free Twinkies”? Or whatever the market seems to require these days?)
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What anti-West Coast bias. The headline on Foxsports.com – “Baylor Women’s Streak Ends.” Uh, how about, “Stanford Women end Baylor Women’s Streak?
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Advance reviews of the made-for-tv movie “Liz and Dick” have been scathing, but Lindsay Lohan is apparently unfazed because she refuses to read them. Makes sense, as if most people now question if Lohan is ABLE to read reviews.
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NFL ref Tony Corrente has been fined by the league for some on-field obscenities during a game Nov 4. Wow, if an obscene performance on the field is a fineable offense, the whole NY Jets team may be charged for their last several games.
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A surprising number of stories in the national media about the chances for Stanford to beat Oregon. (Which as a Stanford alum I still think is quite unlikely.) Is Stanford getting some respect? Or is the media all hoping someone knocks off the Ducks to get an SEC team back in the BCS national championship?
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At a Washington, D.C. gala last month, Paula Broadwell apparently bragged to other guests that she and General Petraeus were “collaborating on other projects.” You can say that again.
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I’m sorry, but when a corporation (in this case the Atlantis Resort box office on Paradise Island) says on a recorded message for several days running “Your call is important to us. Please try back later.”, it means “Your call is not that important to us.”
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Holland America Line is going to have 6 themed “Dancing with the Stars cruises, with production numbers and opportunities to meet “celebrities” and dance professionals from the show. Well that ought to make it easier from millions of wives to convince their husbands to cruise….
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The NCAA just announced additional penalties against the Tennessee football program involving a case with one of Lane Kiffin’s assistant coaches in 2009. Anyone want to join the pool on when the USC Trojans are going back on probation?.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Hostess jokes, Janice Hough, Jill Kelley jokes, Twinkies jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
November 16, 2012
Nancy Pelosi says she will stay on as House Minority Leader because much work remains to be done. And if anyone knows about having work done, it’s Rep. Pelosi.
In Cincinnati, a judge offered to let a 19-year old man stay out of prison if he gave up marijuana, and his response was that he would try, but could he “at least get one more joint in?” Can’t imagine how pot gets the reputation for inhibiting short-term memory and critical thinking.
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Hostess Brands is now saying they will liquidate the company if striking workers don’t come back to work. Fortunately the Twinkies and Ding Dongs already made have enough preservatives to outlast most of our lifetimes.
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Who knew, in today’s U.S. Army that 3:00am phone call might be a booty call?
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United Airlines had a major computer problem for two hours this morning that is still delaying flights. Coming soon, a computer maintenance fee?
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BP agreed to a $4.5 BILLION settlement for the Gulf oil spill. Wonder how much extra that will add to the price for a gallon of gas?
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U.S. Tennessee Rep. Scott DesJarlais of Tennessee, already under fire for allegedly pressuring his mistress to have an abortion, testified during divorce proceedings that he and his former wife made a “mutual” decision for her to have two abortions. This is a man who on his website said: “All life should be cherished and protected. We are pro-life.”
Except of course, when it isn’t convenient for us.
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MLB Commissioner Bud Selig is apparently “examining” the pending trade between the Miami Marlins and Toronto Blue Jays. What, to find out why the Marlins didn’t make the deal with the Yankees?
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Things are so bad with the Miami Marlins that there is even talk of contracting the baseball team. When asked about it, many South Floridians responded “We have a baseball team?”
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Apparently the Army has suspended the security clearance of General Petraeus’s former mistress Paula Broadwell. Presumably they are also locking barn doors while they try to round up the horses.
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What do these four names have in common? Timothy Beckham, Pedro Alvarez, Eric Hosmer, and Brian Matusz. Answer, all were chosen ahead of Buster Posey in the 2008 MLB draft.
From T.C. A British pub hosted a “World’s Biggest Liar Contest” this week. Since this was an amateur event, lawyers and generals were not allowed to participate.
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Some folks think Obamacare suddenly has made companies play games with their employees’ hours to save money. Hah. I worked at Farrell’s, which was owned by Marriott, back in the late 70s. The rule was, no overtime. But if you happened to be at 40 hrs in a week during a busy time as a waitress where you could make decent tips, and they were short handed, you could, unofficially of course, work off the clock….
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Former WNBA star Chamique Holdsclaw was jailed in Atlanta after being accused of breaking another woman’s car windows with a bat and then shooting into that car. And who says women athletes will never be the equals of men?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Janice Hough, Marlins jokes, Paula Broadwell jokes, Petraeus jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
November 15, 2012
Actual kudos to Rex Ryan, after anonymous players on his team allegedly said Tim Tebow would be a terrible QB: “If you’re not going to put your name to it, I think that’s about as cowardly of a thing as there is.” And really, I mean it’s not as if the players already haven’t admitted they are members of the NY Jets.
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But really? An ESPN report says than many players in the NY Jets locker room believe Tim Tebow is not very good. As opposed to millions of Jets fans who now have seen that Mark Sanchez is not very good.
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US Customs agents announced that last month they confiscated 537 cartons of knock-off handbags, belts and wallets at the Port of NY/NJ, with an estimated value – if authentic – of about $20 million. So much for small businesses on Canal Street. I blame Obama.
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The Phillies are rumored to be signing Josh Hamilton. Well, and what better fans to deal with a talented man with a very fragile psyche?
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Yikes. US women’s soccer goalie Hope Solo married former Seahawks tight end Jerramy Stevens yesterday, a day after he was released after a court appearance for alleged domestic violence. (No joke.) Anyone want to guess how long this marriage will last?
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Miami Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria was challenged on why he traded most of his stars so quickly after getting them in the first place. His response “We finished in last place. Figure it out.” And Cubs management said ‘You can do that?”
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Paula Broadwell, speaking about General Petraeus in July said “It was my responsibility not to leak, not to violate my mentor….” Guess she didn’t feel it was her responsibility not to have her mentor violate her?
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Senator John McCain, usually outspoken on national security issues, has been very quiet on the General Petraeus situation. Don’t suppose it has anything to do with the fact that McCain started dating Cindy when he was still married to wife #1?
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So Nancy Pelosi is staying on as House Minority Leader. This is good news both for a lot of Democrats, and Republican fundraisers.
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United Airlines is now offering their First Class international passengers turn-down service. For coach passengers, they are thinking of adding a surcharge to dim the lights at night after takeoff.
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Charles Barkley said of Warriors center Andrew Bogut, “I don’t think he can ever play again.” Well, wouldn’t that be a shocker to anyone who knows Golden State’s history with draft picks and trades.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Jets jokes, NY Jets jokes, Petraeus jokes, Tebow jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
November 14, 2012
The Petraeus-Allen story keeps expanding… But at least there’s a bright side for Mitt Romney. So much for all the headlines and jokes being about how he managed to lose the election….
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Now the FBI probe into the Petraeus affair has uncovered over 20,000 pages of “potentially inappropriate” emails between Gen. John R. Allen, U.S. troop commander in Afghanistan, and Jill Kelley, the woman Petraeus’ mistress allegedly threatened. Once again showing how dangerous it is to allow heterosexuals in the military.
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Oxymoron of the year: Private email account.
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Some in the media are commenting how Paula Broadwell always said nice things about General Petraeus’s wife, Holly and never seemed jealous, Well, duh, Paula figured she’d already “won” by him cheating on his wife, she was jealous of potential mistress 2.0.
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Well, give him points for honesty: QB Tyler Bray told reporters “I’m paid to win football games.” For the initiated, Bray plays at Tennessee. Not the Titans. The University of Tennessee.
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Mike D’Antoni told the NY Daily News that he was surprised the Lakers wanted him to coach. Said Phil Jackson, “that makes two of us.”
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Elmo’s accuser has recanted, and says theirs was a “adult consensual relationship”. What a way for pre-schoolers across the country to learn that C is also for Consensual.
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Many people still think Tim Tebow can perform miracles. Not sure about this turning water into wine stuff. But so far Tebow’s being on the Jets hasn’t turned Mark Sanchez into a decent quarterback.
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Two parents in Massachusetts promised their kids that if a picture of them with a sign begging for a cat got 1,000 FB “likes” they could have a kitten. The children got over 100,000 likes, and the cat. Let’s hope this doesn’t give guys ideas about posting a sign wanting to get rid of their wife or girlfriend’s pet.
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These allegations of the puppeteer behind Elmo having a sexual relationship with a minor were disturbing. Let’s hope Bert and Ernie haven’t sent each other any salacious emails.
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If this Petraeus-Allen scandal turns out to be the tip of the iceberg, how long until Bill Clinton applies to be Secretary of Defense?
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The most common question heard in the Army today? Has to be “How do you REALLY erase emails?”
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The widening scandal involving General Petraeus, Paula Broadwell, General Allen and Jill Kelley brings to mind all the high ranking women politicians and government officials who have made fools of themselves over younger men…. Uh wait. Scratch that.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Elmo jokes, email jokes, General Allen jokes, Janice Hough, Paula Broadwell jokes, Petraeus affair jokes
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Left Coast Sports Babe 