Posted tagged ‘Trojan jokes’

Trojan failure?

November 27, 2012

Anyone remember that Stanford opening game 20-17 football win against San Jose State? And Cardinal fans were thinking it was going to be a VERY long year. Well, guess who’s ranked #25? Yep, those San Jose State Spartans. Higher in fact, than USC.

But really, the Spartans over the Trojans?  Shouldn’t a wooden horse be involved?

So maybe the Philadelphia Eagles and USC Trojans save contract money by just swapping coaches? Both Andy Reid and Lane Kiffin seriously underachieved this year with their professional teams.

UCLA’s men’s basketball team lost 70-68 on Sunday to Cal Poly (San Luis Obispo). Just as well John Wooden has passed away, otherwise this would have killed him.

The NFL will not suspend Detroit Lions DT Ndamukong Suh will for kicking Houston Texans QB Matt Schaub in the groin. Allegedly because they weren’t sure it was intentional. You think if it were a no-name player from a sub .500 team that the league would have cared about the distinction?

Kyrsten Sinema, elected in a very close Arizona race, will now be Congress’s first openly bisexual member. Not to be confused with a number of Congressmen who have been known to buy sex.

Grover Norquist said today that his Americans for Tax Reform group would work to unseat Republicans who break their pledge to never vote for higher taxes. If Norquist has this much power, how do any Democrats get re-elected?

Apparently anyone who wants to can spend $125 a ticket- $3000 a table – plus food and drink – simply to be in the same Vegas nightclub as Kim Kardashian on New Year’s Eve. (Although Kim and friends will be in a separate VIP area.) One word – “Why?”

A recent CNN poll indicates more than 2/3 of Americans predict that congress will handle that “fiscal cliff” like “spoiled children.” Not true. Spoiled children still often act ultimately in their own self-interest.

A-Rod and his latest girlfriend, Torrie Wilson, a former Playboy model and professional wrestler, spent the weekend in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. No word on the size of their suite, but presume it had plenty of mirrors.

Anyone looking for material? On Cyber Monday, (or Cyber Tuesday, as the case may be)  my comedy writing friend Neil Berliner and I would like to announce that all our Mitt Romney jokes will be 47% off.

Beyond Tiger and beyond..

December 7, 2009

For anyone getting just a little tired of the Tiger Woods story and the constant new evidence surfacing, be grateful for one thing. Text messages weren’t around when Bill Clinton was in his heyday.

Would hate to have them miss kickoff…

Has anyone thought to remind Pete Carroll and the USC Trojans, headed to their first ever Emerald Bowl on December 26, that not all bowls are played on New Year’s Day?

USC in the Emerald Bowl!!! The Trojans were picked early this year to contend for the National Championship. USC may be the most disappointedly over-rated team to show up at A T and T Park since last September when the Cubs played the Giants.

Emerald, by the way, stands not for the color, but for Emerald Nuts, the bowl’s sponsor.

This could the first, (and perhaps one of the few non R rated versions) of what will be a lot of jokes including the USC mascot and the bowl name.

The Trojans in the Emerald Bowl? You must be Nuts.

Okay, if you believe God has any interest in sports whatsoever, then clearly He (or She) is rooting for the New Orleans Saints this year. Either that or God really enjoys torturing Redskins fans.

A horse was entered in the sixth race Friday at Hollywood Park in Los Angeles named Driveliketiger. The horse unfortunately was scratched. Wonder if he claimed he hit a hydrant or a tree?

The San Diego Padres have stated their 2010 payroll will probably fall from $42.6 million to around $30 million. You know what that means, for Padres players and fans it’s safe to plan that October vacation in Hawaii.

And okay, another comment-rant on the BCS system. Baseball and basketball have enough games that this tends not to happen at any level. But imagine in the NFL, that a team like the New Orleans Saints, picked somewhere between 12-24th (yes, 24th by Sports Illustrated, oops) in NFL preseason polls, simply could not move high enough into the rankings to be able to play for the Super Bowl. Because there were too many teams once ranked above them. Whereas teams like the Indianapolis Colts would still have to win, but would have no problem qualifying if they did. Because that’s the system we’ve got.

Yeah, probably the three undefeated teams left out of the Championship game aren’t quite at Texas-Alabama level. (Although Texas sure didn’t look at “Texas level” in winning against Nebraska.) Boise State and TCU won every game they played. And Cincinnati even went undefeated in a BCS conference, knocking off more ranked teams (3) than either Texas or Alabama (2 each.) You get the sense that BCS officials will be wearing Tim Tebow eye-black during the Sugar Bowl, which pits the Bearcats against Florida.