Archive for the ‘political jokes’ category
April 7, 2015
Oops. The NCAA’s supervisor of officials admitted today that the officials who gave possession to Duke after a late out-of-bounds play, didn’t have all the angles that CBS had. Although the TV replay showed the Blue Devils’ Winslow touching the ball with his fingertips. But to be fair, with amateur sports it’s not like the NCAA really has the money to do it right.
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If we’re going to have legalized discrimination, can some state become a pioneer in saying businesses do not have to serve stupid people? Because #cantfixstupid
Mitt Romney finished in the the top 1% of contestants in the ESPN NCAA tournament challenge, having Duke and Wisconsin and Duke winning it all. President Obama was in the 40th percentile. Of course, had Obama done as well as Romney the GOP would accuse him of having neglected his duties to focus on basketball.
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Kentucky coach John Calipari says he expects “five to seven players” to declare for the NBA draft. It’s a scary choice for these young men. But since returnees must be academically eligible, they’ll have to figure out how to find the classrooms.
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From Marty Robinson: “In Monday night’s NCAA championship game, Duke rallied to beat Wisconsin, earning their 5th title in the Coach K era. “Wonderful” said absolutely nobody outside of Durham.”
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Last night’s Miami Marlins opener was delayed 16 minutes by rain in the second inning, because the roof operators couldn’t get the roof closed fast enough. If only their supervisor had been armed.
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As pictures of all of these plastic cups full of something that isn’t beer circulate after Opening Night for the Cubs at Wrigley Field, here’s a tip for other teams: If you are doing a major renovation on your stadium, do the bathrooms first.
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Norwegian Cruise Line has an “enhanced” room service menu on some of their ships. And those menus will include a “convenience charge” of up to $7.95 per order. “Convenience charge?”! And many airlines are thinking, why didn’t we think of that?
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Mercedes Benz is coming out with a pickup truck. The perfect vehicle for all those cowboy politicians who still want to pretend they can relate to the “common man.”
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LeGarrette Blount, suspended 3 times at Oregon, and arrested last year for marijuana possession has now been suspended without pay for the 1st game of the 2015 season for a “violation of the league’s substance abuse policy.” This is clearly part of football’s strict “10 strikes and you’re out” policy.
An unnamed NBC source told Vanity Fair that Brian Williams “could not say the words ‘I lied.’ …He couldn’t explain what had happened. Asking ‘Did something happen to [my] head? Maybe I had a brain tumor, or something in my head?'”
Sounds increasingly clear that Williams was in the wrong business, He sounds less like a newsman than a politician.
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Despite a perhaps less than stellar record, Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel has won re-election. Should we be surprised? The town’s residents have a long history of supporting the “devil you know.” I mean, how many people have given up being Cubs fans?
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Lots of headlines about Derick and Jill Dillard (neé Duggar, of “19 Kids and Counting” having their first baby last night…. And thinking, as popular as this show is in some circles, wonder what the reaction would be if they were African-American?
Don McLean’s ‘American Pie’ manuscript sold for $1.2 million, Now, “American Pie” is iconic enough that even the younger generation knows the song. But many of them are wondering “What’s a manuscript?”
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A white police officer has been arrested and charged with murder after a video showed him repeatedly shooting and killing a 50 year old black man who was running away. Well, this might get some changes made. Wonder how many states will outlaw cellphone videos?
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The scariest thing about #WalterScott video is wondering how many of these shootings have happened where there is no cellphone video.
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Rand Paul is the latest to declare for 2016. While Paul has many interesting libertarian policies, he’s also come up with gems like this, opposing mandatory vaccination because of “many tragic cases of walking, talking normal children who wound up with profound mental disorders after vaccines.” Sigh #Cantfixstupid Even with medical school degrees.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: American Pie jokes, Chicago jokes, Cubs jokes, Don Mclean, Duggar jokes, Duke jokes, Janice Hough, NCAA jokes, Rand Paul jokes, Wisconsin jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
April 1, 2015
Governor Jerry Brown has called for 25% percent mandatory water use reduction in California. So okay, it’s now our civic responsibility to drink wine!
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Don’t THINK this is an April Fool’s. Barbara Walters apparently wants Monica Lewinsky to join “The View.” Where no doubt besides doing interviews Monica will have a forum for telling America that she just wants to be left alone.
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So Kentucky is heading towards a potential 40-0 season. Greatest basketball team of all time? Or more like the greatest crop of high school recruits making a pit stop on the way to the NBA?
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All this excitement from millennials over the new Apple watch. What’s the next new thing going to be – the Apple calculator?
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A woman was arrested at San Jose International Airport after a UPS employee saw her walking inside a fence, the 5th such security breach at the airport in a year. It’s apparently easier to get over a fence at San Jose than to get a bottle of water past TSA.
Gary Dahl, 78. the inventor of the Pet Rock has died. And if you think “the what?” guessing you are not a baby boomer.
Now that Pet Rocks are back in the news suppose it’s only a matter of time until PETA posthumously vilifies Gary Dahl for not respecting the rights of rocks.
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Senator Bob Menendez of New Jersey has been indicted on Federal Corruption charges. Your move, Illinois.
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McDonald’s announced they are raising working pay at all their company-owned U.S. restaurants. So that their employees can now afford to eat somewhere besides McDonald’s?
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Seahawks LB Bruce Irvin sent out a tweet this morning that he’d been arrested for a DUI, then 30 minutes later said it was an April Fool’s joke. Hmm, how drunk did he have to think it would be funny to make that joke?
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Now the Republican-lead House the Arkansas has passed a “Religious Freedom Restoration Act” of its own. And Wal-Mart immediately issued a statement saying it threatened to undermine “the spirit of inclusion” in the state and “does not reflect the values we proudly uphold.”
Again, impressive. Who knew you could get WAL-MART on the moral high ground?
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Anyone but me think at first that #Walmart coming out in support of gay rights was an #AprilFools joke? #thetimestheyareachangin
From Marc Ragovin “The NY Mets announced today that injured second baseman Daniel Murphy, who recently said he would be uncomfortable with a gay teammate, will need to undergo a rehab assignment before he can come off the disabled list. And word is he’s insisting on going to Indiana.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: California jokes, drought jokes, Indiana jokes, Janice Hough, McDonalds jokes, Pet Rocks
Comments: 2 Comments
March 23, 2015
Ted Cruz kicked off his campaign with an “Imagine” theme speech, channeling John Lennon, asking students at Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University to “imagine a president repealing every word of Obamacare, imagine a president who finally secures the borders, imagine a president who stands unapologetically with the nation of Israel.’
Guess Cruz forgot about that second verse “Imagine there’s no countries. It isn’t hard to do. Nothing to kill or die for. And no religion too….” #cantfixstupid
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First Donald Trump, now Ted Cruz has joined the 2016 Republican Presidential race. Ironically, the year Ringling Brothers’ circus says they are getting rid of elephants, the elephant party is really getting into the circus business. #clowncar
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Ted Cruz talks about “securing the borders.” You think it might have occurred to him to secure his own domain name. (www.tedcruz.com)
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When you’ve had your giggles checking out tedcruz.com, head on over to tedcruzforamerica.com (Hint to Ted, if you have aspirations of being a leader in the 21st century, might be a good thing to read up on the this internet thing.)
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Let the furry thing on his head fly: When asked about Ted Cruz, Donald Trump said Cruz’s birth certificate “is a hurdle; somebody could certainly look at it very seriously. He was born in Canada. If you know and when we all studied our history lessons, you are supposed to be born in this country, so I just don’t know how the courts will rule on this.”
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The NFL has announced that they will try a one-year suspension of the league blackout policy. Bad news for fans in Tampa. They now have no excuse not to watch the Bucs.
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Bloomsburg University dismissed Joey Casselberry from the baseball team for sending an offensive tweet about Mo’ne Davis, But today on Sportscenter,, Mo’ne said today that he should be reinstated. “Everyone makes mistakes, and everyone deserves a second chance…. I know right now he’s really hurt, and I know how hard he worked just to get to where he is right now.”
Okay, if there wasn’t anyone already rooting for her to make it big….
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New 49ers coach Jim Tomsula to NFL Network about Colin Kaepernick “Statistically and all that kind of stuff, people throw those out there — Colin had his best year, okay?” Hmm, is it time for the league to start checking coaches for concussions?
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Two weeks ago, the SF 49ers signed WR Jerome Simpson, who the Vikings released after multiple arrests. Now they are talking to LB Erin Henderson, who was also released by Minnesota after 2 arrests including a DUI. Well, the 49ers may not make the playoffs, but they could be early favorites for a remake of “The Longest Yard.”
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A judge decided that Robert Durst is a flight risk and denied him bail. This after the FBI found him registered under an assumed name in a New Orleans hotel, with a passport, birth certificate, fake Texas ID, stacks of $100 bills, a gun, bags of marijuana and a latex mask with fake hair… So what was the judge’s first clue?
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All this controversy over the 25th anniversary of “Pretty Woman,” and whether it is sexist, or PC, or whatever. Can we just say, it’s a fun movie, period? And the greatest shopping scene EVER: “Big mistake. Huge.”
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Tonight the Golden State Warriors are celebrating the 40th anniversary of their only NBA championship team. 40 years!? Or as Cubs fans say, “Only yesterday.”
Patriots owner Robert Kraft said today “I know that there is no smoking gun” that could prove the Super Bowl champions guilty in of deflating footballs. Does that also mean “and if there was such a gun, it’s been buried with Jimmy Hoffa?”
From Marc Ragovin “John McCain said that Obama should “get over” the Israeli election. Sure. Just as soon as he gets over the ’08 election.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: #clowncar #cantfixstupid, 49ers jokes, Donald Trump jokes, GOP jokes, Janice Hough, mo'ne davis jokes, NFL jokes, Robert Durst jokes, Ted Cruz jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
March 18, 2015
Wonder what the once-again revamped Oakland As with all their new players will choose for their 2015 slogan. Think the NCAA may have already trademarked “One-and-done.”
Syracuse has announced men’s basketball coach Jim Boeheim will retire in three years. Interesting. Does this mean the Orangemen will make a “whatever it takes” push for the tournament in 2018, and then Boeheim will leave before they have to vacate the wins?
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President Obama picked undefeated Kentucky to win the NCAA men’s basketball tournament. Out of habit many in the GOP were about to disagree with him then stopped thinking “We’re crazy but we’re not THAT stupid.”
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#ESPN headline: “President Obama: Cats wear crown.” Narrows it down to about six teams. #Kentucky #Villanova #Arizona etc. #MarchMadness
SMU coach Larry Brown said today the thought Kentucky would make the NBA playoffs in the East. And John Calipari no doubt is thinking, “That’s absurd. Make the playoffs?! We should be at least a 4 seed in the East? ”
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Starbucks says it will start a delivery service in some parts of New York City later this year. For all those customers who can’t cross the street to get to the nearest branch?
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Baltimore RB Bernard Pierce has become the third Raven arrested this off-season, in his case for DUI. Looking good for all those who bet the “over.”
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Dallas has signed DE Greg Hardy to a one-year deal, although Hardy is still waiting for the NFL’s decision on a possible suspension for violating the league’s domestic conduct policy. Guess the Cowboys’ hating season is starting early this year.
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Donald Trump has formed a Presidential Exploratory Committee for 2016 saying “I am the only one who can make America truly great again!” Make America “truly great?” Trump can’t even do a great job with that furry thing that lives on his head.
From Alex Kaseberg ” the NCAA men’s college basketball tournament are set. The general consensus is Kentucky will win unless, in the last two minutes of the championship game, they are coached by Pete Carroll.
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The body of a man who was seen falling off the Carnival Triumph on Tuesday, the last night of a 5-day cruise, was found this morning. On the bright side, at least he didn’t have to pay his St. Patrick’s Day bar bill.
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T.J. Maxx has pulled a T-shirt from its stores when a customer in Florida complained. The shirt featured the phrase “Hang Loose,” along with a noose. The question here isn’t why they pulled the shirt, but who was stupid enough to try to sell it in the first place?
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Louisiana Rep. John Fleming just said Obama’s executive action on immigration is part of a “grand plan” to fix elections.
Because undocumented immigrants will have driver’s licenses, and in “many states, the only thing that are (sic) required to vote is simply an ID, well they’ll have one….. this is a part of a grand plan for the Democrat Party to make this nation into a single party state, as they have already accomplished in California, and you see the devastating impact it’s having there.”
#cantfixstupid, on so many levels.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: #cantfixstupid, basketball jokes, Dallas jokes, Janice Hough, Kentucky jokes, March madness jokes, Starbucks jokes, Trump jokes
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March 17, 2015
Hampton beat Manhattan Tuesday night in the “First Four” to get into the NCAA men’s basketball tournament. Where they will play Kentucky. Sort of like winning a competition between two Christians to meet the lions.
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Stanford beat UC Davis in tonight’s first round of the NIT. And yeah, it’s not exactly a great accomplishment. But but it’s a heck of a lot better than losing in the first round of the NIT. Or losing to UC Davis, anytime. (As former Stanford football coach Walt Harris would tell you – 20-17 in 2005)
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Pete Rose has submitted a new request to be reinstated to baseball. Rose is optimistic this time, figuring his odds are 2 to 1.
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After #ChrisBorland leaving the SF 49ers, who’s next? Presumably some player who’s afraid of drowning inside the sinking ship?
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Chris Borland, 24, is ending his NFL career because of worries about brain damage. Why so young? Maybe only young players still have brains working well enough to think about it.
The Kappa Delta Rho frat at Penn State fraternity has been suspended over allegedly having a “secret Facebook page showing mostly nude women who were ‘sleeping or passed out.'” Wonder how many people at the University are thinking “Thank God they were at least adult women”?
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Passengers on a United flight from Dulles tackled and subdued a possibly drunk or drugged man who was rushing the cockpit soon after takeoff last night. United may or may not reward the passengers, but the Washington Redskins are interested in talking to the men for a tryout on defense.
The Secret Service said a letter mailed to the White House tested “presumptive positive” for cyanide. What was the first clue that made them suspicious? That someone actually mailed a real paper letter to the White House?
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Toronto Blue Jays OF Kevin Pillar apparently injured his oblique while sneezing last weekend. The SF Giants just ordered Jeremy Affeldt to start taking preventive Benadryl.
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Kanye West tweeted nude pictures of Kim Kardashian when she reached 30 million Twitter followers. With all due respect are there any of those 30 million who haven’t already seen her naked?
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Ryanair says their long range plans include transatlantic flights, with fares as low as1 10 pounds. (about $15 USD.) Of course the fees for boarding passes, carry-on bags, checked bags, credit card usage, oxygen masks, seat belts, seat cushions and lavatories etc will push the ticket price up several hundred dollars.
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#StPatricksDay toast: May your troubles last as long as your perfect brackets. #HappyStPatricksDay
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So St. Patrick’s Day in America has become green beer day. Lading to March 18 being “green after too much beer day.”
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House Republicans have introduced another budget with massive spending cuts and yet another proposed repeal of Obamacare. If they really want to make their point, why don’t GOP members in the House offer to give up their own expensive healthcare and shop for alternatives on the open market?
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Illinois Rep. Aaron Schock is resigning his seat over allegations of improper spending, including real estate deals, and using congressional money to redecorate his office in “Downton Abbey” style. Buzzfeed had just reported he also spent $5,000 for a portable podium that looks like the current presidential podium. So clearly this is Obama’s fault.
(My friend Richard Rothschild says “Yet another example of why Illinois consistently is the No. 1 Midwest seed in the National Corruption Tournament.”)
From Marc Ragovin “I’m not saying that Robert Durst is guilty, but he just demanded that a Las Vegas sports memorabilia dealer give him back his stuff.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, airline jokes, Chris Borland jokes, Congress jokes, Janice Hough, March madness jokes
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March 14, 2015
In India, a bride left her husband to be at the altar after testing him on his math skills. She asked “How much is 15 plus six?” He answered, 17. Just guessing that’s not going to be part of Bristol Palin’s wedding ceremony.
Since their performances in Chicago on July 4 weekend sold out so quickly, the surviving members of the Grateful Dead are reportedly thinking about adding shows at Levi’s Stadium or AT&T Park. Now, I know a lot of Deadheads are in the SF Bay Area. But really, for real authenticity, shouldn’t the band now consider a show in Colorado?
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Vladimir Putin has not been seen in public for over a week. Yesterday Swiss paper Bilk reported that the Russian leader, 62, was in Switzerland with his rumored girlfriend, Alina Kabayeva, 31, a former gold-medal gymnast, for the birth of their daughter. Hmm. wonder if Putin will return saying he was hiking the Alpine trail.
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RIP Al Rosen, 91.. Seems sadly fitting that he and Candlestick Park would not outlive each other. #Yougottalikethiskids #SFGiants
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Who says geeks have no sense of humor? MIT issued its admissions decisions Saturday night at 9:26pm #PiDay
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Amazing some of the “stupid-is-a-virtue” types in this country weren’t screaming about “Happy Pi Day” being elitist. But to be fair, they probably thought it only refers to dessert.
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Groupon is selling tickets to see Chicago and Earth, Wind & Fire this July. Is this a good idea now? The bands’ targeted demographic may not be able to remember anything they book that far ahead.
The Toronto Raptors just ended a 16-game losing streak tonight against the Miami Heat. And the Philadelphia 76ers sniffed “amateurs!”
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The San Jose Sharks may not make the playoffs, but they’re making headlines. On Thursday, GM Doug Wilson told a group of season holders that the team took the captain’s “C” from Joe Thornton because the pressure and stress were getting to him. And on Friday, Thornton told the Mercury News, Doug “just needs to stop lying, shut his mouth.” Who do the Sharks think they are? The 49ers?
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Jeb Bush refused to say whether he would have signed the letter the 47 Senators wrote to Iran, saying they did it out of “frustration” and “that I do think that we need to get back to a bipartisan consensus on foreign policy.” Translation, I want to be President and I don’t want the Democrats doing the same thing to me.
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As Americans prepare for selection Sunday, perhaps a way we could get people to focus on their vote for 2016 is to start a Presidential Bracket. 64 picks, presumably with Bush and Clinton as one seeds, maybe Walker and Warren next. Plenty of trendy picks like Christie, Paul, etc. And enough potential Cinderellas to fill out the rest. (Not like say, Harvard, has any more chance than some political unknowns.)
Then simply say the brackets could not be used for real betting purposes and let the fun begin.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Bush jokes, grateful, Janice Hough, March madness jokes, Palin jokes, pi day jokes, Putin jokes, Sharks jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
March 12, 2015
Apparently a payment is due this month for SF 49ers fans who bought PSL’s at Levi’s Stadium. After this month writing that check has to feel like paying alimony
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Will Ferrell today played for 10 teams in five games during Spring Training in Arizona, and played all nine positions. Who does he think he is? Bugs Bunny?
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Now that Will Ferrell, 47, has played during Spring Training for 10 teams in the Cactus League, some wonder if he might repeat the stunt for teams in Florida’s Grapefruit League. Probably not, as Ferrell is much too young for the Yankees.
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Rudy Giuliani is now blaming Obama and the “tone set by the President” for the McDonald’s brawl and the Ferguson shooting. He also said Obama should be “more like Bill Cosby.” Hey, wasn’t that Bill Clinton’s job?
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Cal DE Brennan Scarlett is transferring to Stanford for his final year and will play football for the Cardinal in 2015. And apparently his car was vandalized after news of the move broke. Well, at least Scarlett wasn’t transferring between SEC rivals… he might have been shot at.
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Disney has announced plans for a “Frozen 2”, albeit with no announced date for the movie’s release. Many parents are just hoping the sequel takes long enough to produce that their children will have gotten too old to want to see it again, and again, and again. #letitgo
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And the hits just keep on coming. Today in the Aaron Hernandez trial, the former player was shown on his own surveillance video walking in his house with what looked like a Glock gun, minutes after Odin Lloyd was shot. Now you have to wonder how Hernandez ever was smart enough to learn the Patriots’ (and Gators’) playbooks.
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Jimmy Kimmel introduced President Obama as the “first Kenyan-born Muslim Socialist ever elected president.” And over at FOX they’re saying “Finally, someone in the liberal media admits it.”
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Darrelle Revis said he followed his heart to return to the NY Jets from the New England Patriots. And nothing says love like $39 million of a $70 million NFL contract guaranteed.
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Ah, those targeted ads. Was reading the story about the Canadian woman who was killed in Cabo when a whale breached and landed on her tour boat. And now I’m getting ads for United’s discount airfares to Cabo San Lucas.
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United Airlines has sent out an email to their elite members talking about an improved Premium Cabin experience that includes “enhanced” amenity kits. Maybe the kits, in addition to the usual socks, eye shade, moisturizer etc, now include a shoe horn so you can get into your seat when you travel economy?
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So the Hillary Clinton email controversy continues. But apparently she has not been the only one to combine government and personal communications. Will we next find out that John McCain used the same blanket to send both official and personal smoke signals?
From T.C. “A picture of a massive alligator taken by a member of Florida’s Myakka Pines Golf Course has gone viral. The club’s Facebook page has generated thousands of hits a day. The club invites visitors play the course but reminds you that it’s 400 399 members have priority for times.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, Aaron Hernandez jokes, Frozen jokes, Janice Hough, Rudy Giuliani jokes, spring training jokes, United Airlines jokes, Will Ferrell jokes
Comments: 10 Comments
March 8, 2015
Apparently Frank Gore is planning to sign with the Eagles. Will the last 49ers fan favorite to leave Levi’s Stadium please turn out the lights?
You know you’re not in Kansas, or the San Francisco Bay Area, anymore, when the first sign you see at United Airlines check-in is “If you are traveling with a firearm…” (Phoenix, AZ)
Selection Sunday for March Madness is March 15. Meaning most Americans have less than one week before we can start passionately caring about teams we didn’t know existed before.
And now the latest rumor out of Santa Clara, Jayson Braddock of SportsTalk 790 in Houston says the SF 49ers are trying to trade Colin Kaepernick. “49ers” may soon refer to the price in cents people will have paid for tickets.
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So does the Dolphins’ signing of #NdamukongSuh mean they are really putting their foot down on bullying?
Two American tourists were arrested and charged with carving their initials into the Colesseum in Rome. And we can’t even put it down to testosterone poisoning. They are young women, ages 21 and 25.
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The cherry on the stupid top of the tourists who carved their initials into the Colosseum: These two idiot women TOOK A SELFIE with their handiwork. That stampeding sound you hear across the ocean is prosecuting attorneys volunteering to take the case.
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Lindsey Graham today: “You can have every email I’ve ever sent — I’ve never sent one. I don’t know what that makes me.” So maybe Mike Huckabee is right about man co-existing with dinosaurs.
Not defending Hillary Clinton here, but regarding this email flap: One, so how many people on both sides of the aisle got emails from her personal address and no one felt inclined to call her on it and/or go to the media. And two, my sense is that Clinton is smart, and secretive, enough that the things we might really worry about weren’t put in an email.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: 49ers jokes, colosseum jokes, Janice Hough, Jed york jokes, March madness jokes, Ndamukong Suh jokes, Suh jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
March 8, 2015
Winter is almost over.
Meanwhile, across town, Jim Harbaugh took a turn at coaching first base for the As two innings Saturday in a spring training game. Wonder if Billy Beane showed up and out of habit tried to trade him.
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Baseball spring training for most is hope over experience. Making millions of Americans honorary Cubs fans.
The New Orleans Saints and Mark Ingram have apparently agreed to a four-year, $16 million deal. Shocking news for these times. There’s actually a Heisman winner some team wants to pay to keep around?!
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It’s the Chinese New Year parade in SF tonight. But no one knows if it’s the year of the Ram or the Sheep or the Goat. #IblameObama
Regarding all those racist emails, jokes and cartoons found in Ferguson emails, anyone but me less shocked at the content, than the fact these people were idiotic enough to send them on city email accounts? #maybecaneducateracists #cantfixstupid
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Forget those rumors of retirement, Marshawn Lynch has signed a two-year extension with the Seahawks. So I guess Lynch is going to postpone plans to star in a remake of “The Longest Yard.”
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The Justice Department is apparently going to bring criminal corruption charges against NJ Senator Bob Menendez. Menendez for his part says he has “always been honest.” And Chris Christie might be thinking “Well, then how did he get elected in New Jersey?”
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Alaska Rep. Don Young, to Interior Secretary Sally Jewell, over a letter 79 members of Congress sent urging her to protect the gray wolf population. “How many of you have got wolves in your district?” None. None. Not one.They haven’t got a damn wolf in their whole district. I’d like to introduce them in your district. If I introduced them in your district, you wouldn’t have a homeless problem anymore.”
Wolves running around Congress might solve a few problems too….
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Saturday night we turned our clocks forward an hour. Knicks fans are just hoping they could turn the clock forward to the end of the season.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: email jokes, Janice Hough, Lynch jokes, spring training jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
March 5, 2015
Hunter Pence may have a broken arm after being hit by a pitch from Chicago Cubs prospect Corey Black. So is this the Cubs’ strategy to win the NL this year? Start eliminating the competition?
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Harrison Ford has apparently been injured when a small plane he was piloted crashed onto a Southern California golf course. Was Ford trying to adjust his left blinker at the time?
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Some very smart high-energy dogs, like Border Collies and Jack Russell terriers, can be great to have around, but they are easily bored. Which means when they have nothing to do, they FIND something to do. Now, how would you like to be Bruce Bochy with a sidelined Hunter Pence hanging out in the SF Giants dugout?
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And we thought the Jeter circus was over. Today Brian Cashman said – “As far as I’m concerned, and I’m not the decision-maker on this, that captaincy should be retired with number 2. I wouldn’t give up another captain title to anybody else.” So Jeter isn’t just the most-hyped Yankee ever, he’s the most important Yankee ever? #sowhenwillNYmakeJetersbirthdayaholiday?
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With all this flap over Hillary’s emails, wonder if Joe Biden is begging reporters to ask about HIS emails? Somebody, anybody want to read them? Please?
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The woman who was sexting with Anthony Weiner now is claiming that an unnamed Democratic politician from the Midwest sent her texts begging to be “to be tied up and left in a closet.” Ah for the good old days when men just picked up prostitutes in hotel bars.
Your daily Florida item? A Fort Myers man is claiming he fatally shot his neighbor in self-defense. Then he put the body in his pickup and drove to his lawyer’s office. Come on, Texas and Arizona, catch up!
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So regarding Daniel Murphy and his “gay lifestyle” comment, what’s a “gay lifestyle?” Know gay working parents and couples who seem to have a lifestyle that doesn’t differ much from my heterosexual friends. Is he implying single gays hook up more often than single heterosexuals. Think the success of Tinder would indicate otherwise…..
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Meanwhile, regarding that “heterosexual lifestyle, ” Chris Soules, the “Bachelor”, is apparently now going on “Dancing With The Stars.” Is it just me, or is it seeming increasingly likely this guy isn’t ever going back to farming in Iowa?
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The Pittsburgh #Steelers are apparently set to release #TroyPolamalu. So sad, forget the face, he’s been the hair of the franchise.
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A Delta flight today landed at New York’s LaGuardia airport and skidded off the runway into a snow bank. So did they at least give passengers credit for the extra distance traveled in their frequent flier accounts?
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LaGuardia announced today their airport was is closed due to a runway “incident.” “Incident?!”. Right. Better I guess than saying “We gotta broken plane that’s stuck in a snowbank. You gotta problem with that?”
From T.C. “A Delta flight skidded off the runway this morning during a steady snowfall at New York’s LaGuardia airport. Passengers evacuated safely and were bussed to a nearby Delta terminal. The ones that paid the $5 Bus Fee, that is.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: baseball jokes, Biden jokes, Delta jokes, Florida jokes, harrison ford jokes, Hillary jokes, Hunter pence, Janice Hough
Comments: 2 Comments
March 3, 2015
You can’t make this “stuff” up. Now ISIS has threatened Twitter and its employees for shutting down their accounts. So let me get this straight, the infidels ISIS so despises have created something they are outraged at the thought of living without….
Detroit has decided not to use the franchise tag on Ndamukong Suh. So much for those potential headlines “Lions put their foot down on Suh.”
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Apparently PGA pro Dan Olsen (who?) said last week in a radio interview that Tiger Woods is not on tour because he is serving a month-long suspension for a failed drug test. Woods’ agent and the PGA tour itself strongly denied the claim. Well, yeah, duh. If Tiger were taking PED’s he’d have been playing better.
Jameis Winston has filed to trademark “Famous Jameis.” Let’s hope whichever team drafts the young quarterback doesn’t end up wanting to toss their cookies.
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It’s a start that WalMart is going to start paying a $9 an hour minimum wage. Means that their employees will only have to work about a day and a half to afford ONE entry fee to Disneyland.
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William Shatner doubled down on missing Leonard Nimoy’s funeral today “My understanding is mourn the dead but celebrate life. I chose to celebrate life by going to the Red Cross gathering in Palm Beach, raised a lot of money for the Red Cross.”
Okay, except flying East Coast to West coast you gain time, and just GUESSING the man, or Priceline, could have afforded a private jet. #Livelongandbs
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The Houston Chronicle reports that after 3-yr-old and 4-yr old boys accidentally fatally shot themselves this weekend, a 6-yr-old is in critical condition after being shot today by his 5-yr-old brother. And local sheriffs are now distributing free gun locks. Uh, shouldn’t guns COME with gun locks?
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The Arizona Legislature is trying to get the U.S. Supreme Court to declare their state’s independent commission for drawing congressional boundaries unconstitutional. Their lawyer claims the “ultimate check on partisan gerrymandering is the ability to throw the bums out.” Uh, no, that’s exactly the ability partisan gerrymandering takes away.
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What a long strange trip it’s been. The cheapest seat on Stubhub for the Grateful Dead’s reunion concert in July is over $1300. And the top price is over $100,000. Of course, to be fair, most Deadheads who regularly saw the band in its heyday probably can’t remember any of the concerts.
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Bill Littlejohn on Marshawn Lynch’s latest: “Marshawn Lynch gave an interview to Turkish TV and said he expected the ball on the last Super Bowl play.He also said, ‘I’m just here so I won’t have to take the Midnight Express’
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Grateful Deal jokes, ISIS jokes, Jameis Winston jokes, Janice Hough, Suh jokes, Tiger Woods jokes, Walmart jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
February 27, 2015
Oops. Someone at JetBlue Airways decided it was a good idea to tweet out “Oh, the Bluemanity” to their almost 2 million followers. (“Oh, the humanity!” was the radio announcer’s cry when the Hindenberg crashed and killed 36 people.). The tweet has been removed.
To paraphrase, those who cannot remember the past are condemned to make fools of themselves on social media? #cantfixstupid
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A California judge ruled that Lindsay Lohan’s self-selected “community service” in London doesn’t count, and she still has over 100 hours to complete if she doesn’t want to go to jail. PEOPLE magazine reported Lohan was trying to include things like having young people “shadow” her and hang out while she was performing in a play. Can’t imagine how celebrities get the reputation for being out of touch..
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KNBR radio reports that ESPN has their “Sunday Night Baseball” schedule out. Through July 19, the Red Sox and Yankees are on 7 times. The World Champion SF Giants zero. Ditto the Dodgers. The only team west of the Mississippi on at all are the Angels, twice. And they wonder why baseball doesn’t have a national audience.
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In Tennessee, two high school girls basketball coaches were suspended for this season and next year. This after a game where both teams tried to lose to get a better tournament position. Amongst numerous violations were deliberate attempts at turnovers and one attempted own-goal. Wouldn’t it have been easier for one coach just to tell his girls to play like the Knicks?
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Headline “MLBer shagging flies steps on sprinkler, tears knee cartilage.” Turns out of be bad news for the Blue Jays’ Michael Saunders. But most Giants fans seeing that story were sure it was Jeremy Affeldt.
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Donald Trump said yesterday that he is “more serious” than ever about running for President in 2016. And Jon Stewart is thinking “well, maybe I can delay that retirement just a bit….”
Anyone but me beginning to wonder how Aaron Hernandez, 25, managed to stay out of prison for as long as he did? #thanksurbanmeyer
A new British study has found that adults who sleep more than 8 hours a day have a significantly higher risk of strokes. Which is finally some really good health news for working mothers.
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NJ Gov. Chris Christie, speaking to conservative group CPAC, “Sometimes people need to be told to sit down and shut up.” Yep, including at times, Chris Christie.
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Regarding Chris Christie’s comment that “Sometimes people need to be told to sit down and shut up.” If the NJ Governor REALLY wants a boost to his Presidential prospects can he direct that statement to Kanye West?
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From T.C. “At the NFL combine, Jameis Winston ran the 40 in 4.97 sec. Rumor has it he improved his time to 4.55 when a scout handed him a bag of crab legs.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Aaron Hernandez jokes, baseball jokes, Chris Christie jokes, ESPN jokes, Janice Hough, JetBlue jokes, Lindsay Lohan jokes, Trump jokes
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February 26, 2015
Marijuana, in small quantities, became legal tonight in Washington, D.C. But some Republicans are upset. Rep. Jason Chaffetz, a Tea Partier from Utah wrote in a letter to the mayor. “If you decide to move forward … you will be doing so in knowing and willful violation of the law.” Whatever happened to the mantra of “Government out of our lives”?
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David Ortiz is not happy about the new pace rules saying a hitter has to keep one foot in the box “I call that bulls—” And Ortiz also indicated he needs the time to strategize so he’ll just pay the fines. Well, maybe Big Papi can call Marshawn Lynch for advice about setting up one of those automatic payment plans.
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The way his trial is going, looks like only thing that could get #AaronHernandez an acquittal is a change of venue to Los Angeles.
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Lebron James is complaining that colleges are already offering his young son basketball scholarships “It’s pretty crazy. It should be a violation. You shouldn’t be recruiting 10-year-old kids.” And Les Miles is thinking, yeah, if we thought he might play football we should have started at least 8 years earlier.
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The Chicago Cubs announced that they now have a new mental skills program, run by sports psychologist Dr. Ken Ravizza. Will Dr. Ravizza also be setting up depression clinics for Cubs fans?
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Carly Fiorina, trashing Hillary Clinton’s touting of all the hundreds of thousands of miles she travelled as Secetary of State: “But unlike Hillary Clinton, I know that flying is an activity, not an accomplishment.” Spoken like someone who has her choice of private planes.
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The Ohio news anchor who used a racial slur to describe Lady Gaga’s music, saying afterwards she didn’t even know the slur was a word, is off the air for three days. Presume when she returns it will be with a dictionary?
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Federal prosecutors have decided there is insufficient evidence to prosecute George Zimmerman for a hate crime against Trayvon Martin. Or maybe they figured they could save the expense of a trial since this guy seems well on his way to a Darwin award.
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Jason Jones has announced he will follow Jon Stewart in leaving “The Daily Show.” Wonder why the mass exodus. Maybe all these comics are beginning to think, that as crazy as the world is becoming, there really IS no satire.
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The state of Texas is warning college kids on spring break to avoid Mexico because of the danger of drug cartel violence. Right, go somewhere like Florida with all-American gun violence.
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A New York councilman will introduce a bill tomorrow to require the NYPD to become completely digital, and get rid of their typewriters. Responded most millennials “What are typewriters?”
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Mark Beckner, the former Boulder, CO police chief who led the 1996 Jon Benet Ramsey murder investigation acknowledged today in a Reddit session that many mistakes were made, for starters, he wished “we would have done a much better job of securing and controlling the crime scene on day one” and the “DA involvement in this case was inappropriate.”
Anyone who followed the case wonders, in his next interview, will Beckner give his opinion that water is wet?
A lawyer for the Southern California trucker who abandoned his vehicle on the tracks before a Metrolink train crashed into it said the trucker was “running for his life” and not abandoning the scene of an accident. Police found the guy 45 min later, 1.5 miles away…… Was he afraid the train was going to push him into a lifeboat?
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From Bill Littlejohn. “Joba Chamberlain’s new contract includes a Cy Young bonus.Isn’t that like Vin Diesel’s new contract including an Oscar bonus?”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Aaron Hernandez jokes, Big Papi jokes, Cubs jokes, Janice Hough, Lady Gaga jokes, marijuana jokes, Texas jokes, The Daily Show jokes
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February 22, 2015
Security at this year’s Academy Awards will be tight. Especially since they need half a dozen or so men just to keep Kanye West from rushing the stage.
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As we approach the Oscars, the snubs are often as much a source of discussion as the nominees. For example, how did “Frozen” not get nominated this year for “Best Documentary”?
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Prince Harry and Emma Watson are dating. Could be some of the best pillow-talk ever: “You’re a wizard, Harry.”
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Chris Bosh will be out for the season at least with blood clots in his lungs. His long-term prognosis is good. But what a bummer for Heat fans who were counting on the team’s .434 winning percentage getting them into the Eastern Conference playoffs.
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On the bright side for San Jose Sharks fans, at least this year the team isn’t likely to break their hearts in the playoffs.
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Tickets for this year’s Comic-Con in San Diego this July sold out in less than an hour. On the bright side for hopeful attendees, most of those who bought 2 tickets probably don’t yet have dates.
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American Airlines says that due to a “technical glitch” with a conveyor belt they couldn’t load checked baggage on planes for eight hours on Friday. And not only did planes depart without luggage, passengers weren’t notified and found out only after they waited, in many cases over an hour at empty carousels. So what, the travelers hadn’t paid their “communication” fees?
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Fox News has reported that the West Coast dock labor dispute finally is over after 9 months. Without the mentioning the reason – that the President sent Labor Secretary Perez to Oakland with an order to end it. (An agreement was done in 3 days.) So where’s the fury over Obama’s “Imperial Presidency” on this one?
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Kris Jenner is apparently claiming someone has extorted her over a nude video hack. Well, at least Kris doesn’t have to pay. Even if the hacker posts the video, no one will watch it.
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A florist in Washington is refusing to settle a discrimination case over providing flowers for the gay wedding of a longtime customer, because she says “her ‘relationship with Jesus Christ’ won’t allow it. So presume she also doesn’t do flowers for couples who have had pre-marital or extra-marital sex before THEIR weddings?
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Wis. Gov. Scott Walker said today “I’ve never asked him, I don’t know” when asked whether President Barack Obama loves America. Well to be fair, Walker said he didn’t know about evolution either. #doublingdownonstupid
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Academy Awards jokes, airline jokes, comic con jokes, Janice Hough, Kanye West jokes, Kardashian jokes, Oscars jokes, Prince Harry jokes, Sharks jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
February 20, 2015
So let me get this straight, the same Americans who are so into novelty that they can’t exist without the absolutely newest iPhones are thinking of choosing a new President between Clinton and Bush?
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A government panel says drinking three to FIVE cups of coffee a day will help prevent heart disease, liver cancer, Parkinson and type 2 diabetes. Of course, there may be a heightened risk of injury from bouncing off of walls.
Jack Nicklaus on Tiger Woods, “I think he’s struggling more between his ears than he is anyplace else.” Oddly enough, Woods seemed to start going downhill when he started focusing more between his ears than between his legs.
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Rudy Giuliani, not backing down, now says ““You know, President Obama didn’t live through September 11, I did.” Shocking. Mostly shocking that Rudy didn’t somehow use 9-11 in his original “Obama doesn’t love America” statement.
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More from Giuliani. ““What I don’t find with Obama is a really deep knowledge of history. I think it’s a dilettante’s knowledge of history.” So has anyone asked Rudy what he thinks of, for starters, Oklahoma Republicans trying to ban AP US History classes in schools?
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Another reason why good manners are important. Karma can be one mean impressive b*tch sometimes. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/…/Commuter-swears-man-way-interv…
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MLB and the players unions have agreed to changes to speed up the game – enforcement of the rule that players keep one foot in the batter’s box, and stadium clocks for pitching changes and inning breaks. So who knows, maybe this year they can get an average Red Sox-Yankees game down to four hours.
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Pablo Sandoval dismissed criticism over his weight in a Spanish interview with ESPNDeportes, saying “Let them talk… It will never change me or the player I am.” Actually with this winter in Boston Panda could have just said he was storing up fat for hibernation.
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A bipartisan group in Congress is working on legislation to require Amtrak to allow small pets (under 20 pounds) on train trips of less than 750 miles. Let’s hope they’re specific. Cats and dogs make sense. But not sure we want “motherf***ing snakes on motherf***ing trains.”
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No deaths or injuries thankfully from a major fire at a luxury skyscraper in Dubai. But maybe it’s tempting fate a bit much to name a building “The Torch.”
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Pete Carroll said he’ll miss competing against Jim Harbaugh now that Harbaugh’s returned to the college game. Well a few more calls like the end of the Super Bowl and Pete might be back with Jim.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Clinton Bush jokes, Guiliani jokes, Janice Hough, karma jokes, MLB jokes, Red Sox jokes, Rudy Giuliani jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
February 18, 2015
The California drought and warm weather means U.S. Ski and Snowboard Association has had to cancel a World Cup competition that was to be held in March at Squaw Valley.. Maybe they can move it to Boston?
The above photo is for real, built by MIT students.
In Washington, snow has shut the federal government, and according to a headline “330,000 are without power.” 330,001 if you count Joe Biden.
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This weekend in Lake Placid all living members of the 1980 U.S. Olympic hockey team will reunite for the 35th anniversary of the “Miracle on Ice.” Meanwhile, in Boston, they are hoping for a “Miracle to get rid of the Ice.”
ESPN reports that investigators have found that a Patriots locker-room attendant tried to insert an unapproved football into their playoff game against the Colts. So have they also found how much New England might be paying this guy for throwing himself under the bus?
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Over 23 million people watched NBC’s SNL’s 40th anniversary special Sunday night. Wonder how many of them had to first find out what channel NBC is these days?
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Pablo Sandoval has shown up to spring training looking, well, large. Guess the Panda hasn’t had any problems finding the bakeries and restaurants in Boston’s North End.
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Several hundred teenagers in Ococee, FL stormed a movie theater after employees said they were not accompanied by adults, and refused to sell them tickets to “Fifty Shades of Grey,” If only they had been armed.
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Ahmad Bradshaw was cited for possession of a small amount of marijuana by the Ohio Highway Patrol. But he wasn’t arrested, and the citation is payable without a court appearance. So basically, Ohio just has a marijuana tax?
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Kobe Bryant says he isn’t retiring. “I thought the Spurs were done 20 years ago. Those guys are still winning. … I’m hoping I can have the same rebirth.” Uh, except, Kobe, San Antonio doesn’t need an expensive backup shooting guard.
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A 92 year-old-driver lost control of his minivan outside a Piggly Wiggly in Wisconsin, then panicked and hit a total of 9 other cars in the parking lot. Police say the man will not be ticketed, but he’s presumably been offered a spot in the next “Senior Demolition Derby.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Biden jokes, Boston jokes, Fifty shades jokes, Janice Hough, Kobe jokes, Patriots jokes, SNL jokes, snow jokes, storm jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
February 17, 2015
New York’s East River is clogged with ice flows. How long until the Circle Line starts trying to make extra money by doing Titanic-themed cruises?
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We’re already up to Winter storms Neptune and Octavia. So what happens in another few weeks… do they start with Roman numbers?
The Yankees today announced that not only will they retire Andy Pettitte’s #46, they will also retire Bernie Williams’s #51 and Jorge Posada’s #20. So who will be the first Bronx Bomber to wear triple digits?
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When the Yankees announced they were retiring Andy Petitte’s number, it prompted this tweet “”Congrats to 46. Yankees retiring his number. Hopefully they don’t retire it like his HGH testimony,” This from Petitte’s former teammate Chuck Knoblauch. So just guessing those two won’t be on the same team for the next Yankees’ old-timers game?
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A 20-year-old American man is out of intensive care after being repeatedly gored during a bull-running festival in Spain, including a major wound in his thigh area. So just MAYBE Darwin’s mission has been accomplished here.
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Sorry to hear of the death of former SF Giants coach Wendell Kim, only 64. But thinking that in a softball game in Heaven, Kim’s already waving Ernie Banks around third.
Barry Zito has signed a minor-league trade deadline with the As. Makes sense. He has a comfortable history with the team. And if Barry does well, presumably he can count on Oakland trading him to a contender mid-season.
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Lesley Gore, 68, who sang the hit “It’s my party,” has passed away. Presumably attendees at her funeral will be told they can “cry if they want to.”
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#JasonGiambi, 44, is retiring. “So young?” asked Jamie Moyer.
When a 20 yr-old New Jersey man who’d been drinking crashed a car, he returned in another car with a friend, also allegedly drunk, to pour water on the road. The idea being to make it look like he’d spun out on black ice.
A policeman saw them, along with the empty buckets, and both men were arrested. You’d think if the guy could think of something this creatively weird, he’d have been able to think to call a cab?
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The weather has been so bad back East that most Americans trying to honor our Presidents Monday had to resort to shopping online.
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Sarah Palin last night on SNL40 to Jerry Seinfeld –
“Just curious, Jerry, how much do you think Lorne Michaels would pay me if I were to run in 2016?”
“Run for president? Sarah, I don’t think there’s a number too big.”
“OK, just hypothetically then, what if I were to choose Donald Trump as my running mate?”
So does Palin actually have a sense of humor, or a fundraising strategy?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Boston storm jokes, Janice Hough, New York jokes, SNL jokes, snow jokes, storm jokes, Yankees jokes
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February 16, 2015
SNL’s first ever episode from 1975 last night. Of course anyone old enough to have seen the original probably is too old to stay up for it.
Oregon has the nation’s first bi-sexual governor. As opposed to all the governors over the years who would just buy sex.
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As we approach spring training, some wonder how Alex Rodriguez will be received by the fans this year. Fortunately A-Rod can always count on the support of his biggest fan, the man in the mirror.
The Oscar Mayer Wienermobile was damaged in a crash this weekend in Pennsylvania. Hope the driver wasn’t hot-dogging it.
It may not always have been funny. And sometimes you watch and wonder if any part of a given night be funny. But it’s not just that SNL has lasted for 40 years. But that almost every American adult can almost instantly rattle off their 5, 10, 20 or more favorite sketches.
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#Bassomatic. SNL reminds us once again that there was actually a drink that sounded worse than a kale smoothie. #SNL40
Who knew #MileyCyrus could perform with all her clothes on? #SNL40
Why oh why couldn’t #SNL40 have had one or more people storm the stage to interrupt #KanyeWest tonight?
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Louis Jourdan, Gaston in Gigi, has died at the age of 93. One of my all-time favorite movies. Even if these days Gaston might have been arrested as a sex offender because Gigi was underage.
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As we approach spring training, some wonder how Alex Rodriguez will be received by the fans this year. Fortunately A-Rod can always count on the support of his biggest fan, the man in the mirror.
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The Oscar Mayer Wienermobile was damaged in a crash this weekend in Pennsylvania. Hope the driver wasn’t hot-dogging it.
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Oregon State’s men’s basketball team had their Alaska Airlines flight home from Los Angeles delayed yesterday after a scorpion stung a woman onboard. Wonder who was the first to say “I’ve had it with these motherf***ing scorpions on this motherf***king plane.”
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In Vegas, the Chicago Cubs are only 6 to 1 to win the pennant and 10 to 1 to win the World Series. “And you think I have problems with reality?” asks Brian Williams.
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Kim Kardashian has apparently told friends she feels neglected by the media because they are all focused on her stepfather/stepmother Bruce Jenner. “I feel so sorry for her” said absolutely, positively nobody.
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Shifty story for the day. In Concord, CA, a would-be carjacker forced a man out of his car this morning at gunpoint, but couldn’t drive off because he didn’t know how to operate a manual transmission. (And most of my younger FB friends are probably thinking, what’s a manual transmission?)
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7 people were injured and 5 were taken to a hospital when a United flight from Newark to Honolulu experienced turbulence. It could have been worse. At least they’re not back in New Jersey.
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Kim Kardashian has apparently told friends she feels neglected by the media because they are all focused on her stepfather/stepmother Bruce Jenner. “I feel so sorry for her” said absolutely, positively nobody.
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Over an $81 million box office gross for “Fifty Shades of Grey” so far. Right, because how many men are on Valentine’s weekend are going to tell their wives/girlfriends -“Oh, a flimsy romantic story that’s really more like soft-core porn, nah, I’ll pass.”.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: A-Rod jokes, baseball jokes, Cubs jokeses, Janice Hough, Kanye West jokes, Kardashian jokes, New Jersey jokes, Saturday Night Live jokes, SNL jokes, SNL40 jokes
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February 13, 2015
Reviews of “50 Shades of Grey” aren’t great. But in New York, anyone wanting to see some real torture can always buy Knicks tickets.
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So the reason the Chicago Little League team had to forfeit their U.S. championship is that they had gerrymandered the borders of where players needed to live. Idiots. That’s no way to win in baseball. It, is, however, a good way to get elected to Congress.
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Jimmy Buffett, 68, is touring again. Only now he doesn’t need margaritas to forget where he put that shaker of salt.
NBC now says they are investigating Brian Williams’ claims that he was a witness to the fall of the Berlin Wall and met Pope John Paul II in 1979. Not sure if Williams will ever get his anchor job back, but he may well be on the short list to star in a Forrest Gump remake.
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Gatorade is bringing the 1991 “Be Like Mike” jingle for an ad during the NBA All-Star Game. Which will be great for long-time sports fans. Have to wonder if the younger generation’s response will be “Who’s Mike?”
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An ESPN poll of 500 college coaches found almost 60% would like to change the men’s basketball shot clock changing from the current 35 seconds to 30 seconds. Well, makes sense, with all these one-and-dones, it’s tough to expect all these kids to be able to count that high.
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The NYPD confirmed today that the driver of the livery cab who crashed and killed “60 Minutes” reporter Bob Simon had two traffic convictions and his license had been suspended at least 6 times. And some people are worried about UberX drivers?
From T.C. “Tiger Woods is leaving the PGA Tour until he gets his game back together. Johnny Manziel says, “you can do that?”
and T.C. and I with a combined joke: “The Atlanta Falcons have pleaded guilty to pumping in fake crowd noise during their home games. Wonder what this means for the NY Jets’ plans to pump in a fake laugh track?”
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Well, this should dispel all rumors that Jeb Bush is too old and out of touch to run for president. He posted all his personal emails from when he was governor. Except that apparently some of those emails had the names, birthdates and Social Security numbers of about 12,000 people. #cantfixstupid
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Rush Limbaugh has decided that Jon Stewart is leaving the “The Daily Show” is that the Democratic Party’s future is so grim and “Stewart has blamed everything gone wrong on the Republicans. After 16 years, what is there left for (him) to blame on the Republicans?”
Okay, it’s an opinion. But does this also mean that after 2016 Limbaugh is sure there won’t be another Republican in the White House to blame things on…?
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 50 shades of grey jokes, Brian Williams jokes, chicago little league jokes, Janice Hough, jimmy buffet jokes, Jon Stewart jokes, torture jokes
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February 10, 2015
Say it ain’t so, Jon. Jon Stewart announced today that he is stepping down as host of The Daily Show. Has he decided that yes, indeed, these days there really is no satire?
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And this after Stewart may have the best comment on this whole Brian Williams mess: “Finally, someone is being held to account for misleading America about the Iraq war.”
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NBC suspended Brian Williams for 6 months, saying his lies had “jeopardized” the network’s credibility. Wait, NBC had credibility?
On a brighter note for NBC, the NBC Nightly News had its largest total viewership in four weeks. Maybe other networks will start trying to dig up dirt on their own anchors?
Richie Incognito has agreed to a deal with the Buffalo Bills. Wait, I thought Rex Ryan said “we’re going to build a bully,” not sign one.
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ESPN reported that of Gregg Popovich’s 1,000 wins, 921 have been with Tim Duncan. To put that bromance in perspective, 921 is more wins than the Miami Heat have EVER in their history. (805 as of today.)
As a result of a lawsuit filed against him by his daughter, a New Orleans judge ruled that Saints & Pelicans owner Tom Benson, 87, will be required to undergo a psychiatric evaluation to determine mental competency. Now, clearly Benson is old. But if mental competency was required for an NFL or NBA owner, there would be a lot of vacant chairs at those owner’s meetings.
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Security researcher Mark Burnett this week posted a database containing 10 million usernames and passwords. So were at least 9 million of them 123456789?
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Alex Rodriguez, 39, reportedly told Barry Bonds “l want to take your (home run) record..” Not exactly sure he could get over 100 more home runs without a supplement made from flying pigs, but A-Rod might be one of the few active sluggers who could make Bonds look lovable by comparison.
Today in a meeting at Yankee Stadium, A-Rod apparently apologized to the team for his PED suspension. So did he just read from a copy of the same apology speech he gave in 2009? (“It was very loose. I was young. I was stupid. I was naive. And I wanted to prove to everyone that I was worth being one of the greatest players of all time. I did take a banned substance. And for that, I am very sorry and deeply regretful.”)
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Marilyn Hartman, 63, was arrested repeatedly at SFO for trying to sneak onto planes, and at LAX after flying from San Jose without a ticket. Now she’s been arrested in Florida after flying ticket-free from Minneapolis to Jacksonville, where she checked in under another guest’s name. Kind of makes you feel real warm and fuzzy about TSA, doesn’t it.
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Ethan Czahor, founder of “Hipster.com“, and the new chief technology officer for Jeb Bush’s PAC, “resigned” tonight, after removing “inappropriate” tweets from his personal account.
Those tweets, dating from 2009-10, included a number of racist and homophobic jokes, along with others that referred to women as sluts. But maybe the real recent Bush let him go? That Czahor, who is YOUNG enough to know better, didn’t know enough not to post this sort of stuff in the first place.
And for that matter, doesn’t Jeb have anyone on his staff who knows how to use Google on potential new hires?”
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Iowa’s Joni Ernst, who calls herself the Senate’s first female “combat veteran”, is defending herself after it’s been pointed out she was a National Guard Company commander for 13 months. But her unit was never attacked nor in a firefight. Well cut her some slack, maybe Ernst’s real dream job isn’t in Washington, but in network news.
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: A-Rod jokes, Bonds jokes, Brian Williams jokes, Janice Hough, jeb bush jokes, Jon Stewart jokes, NBC jokes, Popovich jokes, Rex Ryan jokes
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Left Coast Sports Babe 