Posted tagged ‘NFL jokes’
December 5, 2014
George W.s’ daughter Jenna Bush Hager said in response to a question about her possibly fooling around in the White House: “You know maybe there was a little hanky-panky. There was like maybe a kiss on the roof.” Just guessing there won’t be any congressional aides telling Jenna to “show a little class.”
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ESPN headline “Tiger 11 behind leader Spieth.” 11 behind doesn’t sound great. But guess it’s better than saying it another way, that Tiger Woods is last in an 18 man field.
Eagles coach Chip Kelly, dismissing rumors he might jump back to the NCAA. “I don’t think our pro offense would work at the college level.”. So how much did his Oregon Ducks get paid anyway?
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A baby was born in Colorado that weighed 13 lbs, 13 oz. LSU coach Les Miles was about to offer the kid a scholarship until he learned it was a girl.
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It’s been reported that Warren Buffett donated $25,000 to Ready for Hillary, a Super PAC supporting Clinton for President. With all due respect, isn’t that about Buffet’s average income from a single one of his accounts for 15 seconds?
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Rand Paul is blaming Eric Garner’s death on the high NYC cigarette tax, because he says it’s driven cigarettes underground and “put our police in a dangerous situation with bad laws.” By that token how many deaths is he going to blame on drug and prostitution laws?
Ryan Leaf has just been released from a Montana prison after two years. Over-under on how long it takes him to get a call from the #NYJets?
The Washington Post is reporting that coach Jay Gruden is “done” with RG3. Still another option for the #NYJets?
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UAB – (University of Alabama – Birmingham), is eliminating football. Because we all know the state of Alabama doesn’t have enough money to waste on the sport….
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The Florida Gators have hired Jim McElwain from Colorado State with a reported 6 year contract. The deal includes a $7.5 million buyout, and $2 million for a future game that CSU will play in Gainesville. Given Gator fans’ expectations let’s hope McElwain is around long enough for that game.
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Rumor has it that the #SFGiants are interested again in Melky Cabrera. So guess they’re done crying over spilled melk?
So Anna Duggar, 26, “reality show star”, is pregnant with her fourth child in 6 years of marriage and it is “trending.” This is news because the young woman herself is famous for no other reason than that she married into a family with 19 children…. #Beammeupscottythereisnointelligentlifeonthisplanet
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From T.C. – one for my male readers – “Pizza Hut is testing digital technology with an app that can predict what you will order by scanning where your eyes are looking at when you analyze their ‘electronic tablet menu’. Of course, it would always conclude that I want the waitress with the biggest boobs.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Bush jokes, Duggar jokes, football jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, NY Jets jokes, Tiger Woods jokes
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December 1, 2014
Here we go, #CyberMonday. Where merchants offer X% off on items they may or may not have raised by X or X plus Y % last week.
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The airport security line at Midway Airport reportedly was over 1.2 miles long Sunday am. Let’s hope the airlines at least gave passengers that extra frequent flier mile.
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Some of the St. Louis Rams are being criticized for walking out before their game against Oakland in the “hands up, don’t shoot” position used by Ferguson protesters.
Two questions. 1. Where’s the “free speech” crowd who defended the “Duck Dynasty” patriarch and others on this one? 2. Wonder how many of these players have been pulled over for “driving while black?”
Personally, while I decry looting and property destruction, I don’t have a problem with this peaceful protest. And then as my friend Mary S said “They had the right to make a peaceful statement, then proceeded to beat the holy crap out of the Raiders…”
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All these interesting early games in the NFL Sunday, and Northern California got to see the 52-0 Rams-Raiders game….. Can TV ratings be negative numbers?
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#Raiders today made a strong case for the #NFL instituting a mercy rule. #OAKvsSTL
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Have to wonder how did these Raiders ever beat the Chiefs? Heck, they aren’t looking like they could beat Alabama. #OAKvsSTL
Los Angeles fans don’t have an NFL team. After today, New York fans don’t think they have one either.
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There are rumors that the 49ers might trade Jim Harbaugh to another NFL team for a draft pick – and the top two teams and the Raiders and the Jets!? And comedy writers are thinking “Christmas is coming early.
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Mike Golic was one of only 3 of 14 ESPN experts to pick the Eagles over the Cowboys, and the ONLY one to pick the Saints over the Steelers. Maybe a karmic reward from the football gods for enough of a sense of humor to do that semi-nude picture?
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Janay Rice who attended her husband’s June meetings with Roger Goodell, says of the NFL commissioner, “I can’t say he’s telling the truth.” Give Goodell credit, it really takes talent to come out of a situation like this looking worse than the guy who knocked out a woman.
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Meanwhile, in Canada, the CFL Grey Cup was Sunday night. Hamilton vs. Calgary. Many Americans are thinking “what’s the Grey Cup?” Still others are thinking “Where’s Hamilton?
UAB – the .University of Alabama at Birmingham -may be about to shut down their football program. And after the last month, have to wonder how many Notre Dame alums are saying “want our team instead?
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, airline jokes, Cyber Monday jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Raiders jokes, Rams jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
November 28, 2014
The three NFL games on Thanksgiving were all bad enough some people found themselves forced to actually talk to their relatives.
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FOX is advertising a post-game “Cause for Paws” tonight – “An All-Star Dog Spectacular.”. So are they doing a show on the #NFCSouth
Were the #49ers tonight trying to earn a transfer to the #NFCSouth?
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49ers coach Jim Harbaugh at halftime. “We’re going to show up this half.”. So no one told San Francisco they needed to show up in the first half?
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49ers owner Jed York tweeted out at the end of the game “Thank you #49ersfaithful for coming out strong tonight. This performance wasn’t acceptable. I apologize for that.” Wonder if both fans left in the stands appreciated the sentiment?
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As for the middle game, it would have taken a lot more than one #buttfumble today to save the #Cowboys. #PHIvsDAL
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There are moments when I think it would have been nice to have a daughter. Then I watch the #Dallascowboys cheerleaders. And think – their parents must be so proud.
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In Siberia, when an airplane’s brakes froze, passengers helped push their own plane on a snow-covered runway. And in the U.S., airlines thought… hmm, how can we use this idea to cut costs this winter?
Oil prices fell to under $70 a barrel today. Which means somehow airlines will find a way to spin that to increase fuel surcharges.
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Just a thought. Many people are upset about the idea of Thanksgiving shopping because it means others are working on the holiday. But no one’s been screaming about folks working at airlines, hotels, restaurants, and, if you’ve forgotten something for dinner, grocery stores.
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The Tampa Bay Buccaneers apparently served colored water masquerading as tequila. Makes sense. The Bucs are also masquerading as an NFL team.
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But really? What were they thinking? If someone wants to drink colored water there’s always Bud Light.
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The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade was a success today with no balloon malfunctions. And on a holiday it would be uncharitable to make a Chris Christie joke here.
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P.D.James, 94 has passed away. If you’re a mystery reader who knows her books, you know how sad this is. If you’re a mystery reader who hasn’t read her books… you have a lot of potential treats in store. #AdamDagliesh
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Bus to hell time. A man hiking in New Jersey took a series of five pictures on his cellphone of a black bear before the bear attacked and mauled him to death. Guess he should have stopped at four?
(my friend Marty B. calls it “a Kodiak moment.”)
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Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, airline jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Thanksgiving jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
November 26, 2014
Mark Whitaker, who wrote the latest biography of Bill Cosby, tweeted an apology for failing to discuss rape allegations in his recent book. Well, of course, because Whitaker now knows he would be selling more books.
Despite Michael Sam’s having been the SEC defensive player of the year in 2013, some questioned whether he really had NFL caliber talent. Which if so brings up another question – Why hasn’t Sam been signed by a team from the NFL South?
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In the “better to remain silent and be thought a fool..” dept, today’s nominee for the win is Adrian Peterson, who tweeted after the Ferguson decision “The GRAND JURY DECIDED NOT TO INDICT ME TOO! But that changed a week LATER! MAYBE,BUT NOT LIKELY N THIS CASE.”‘
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The Milwaukee Brewers new AA team in Mississippi will be known as the Biloxi Shuckers. If they go through a bad patch, nothing can go wrong with THAT name…
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Pablo Sandoval Tuesday on leaving San Francisco. “I need a new challenge.” Well, if Panda wanted a REAL challenge, why didn’t he sign with the Cubs?
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Many Giants fans are taking the high road saying “Well, Pablo Sandoval gave us some good years, we wish him nothing but the best.” Right. Like people do when someone breaks up with them to move on to a different guy or gal. Of course you want them to be happy…..#sarcasm
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After two of players were ejected in the 2013 OSU-Michigan game, Urban Meyer has warned his Buckeyes to behave this year, or he may impose further penalties. Guess the former Florida coach wants players to keep their bad behavior off the field.
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You can’t make this “stuff” up.. CFO Anthony Noto accidentally tweeted what he thought was a private message saying “I still think we should buy them.” And it went out publicly. Ok, this stuff happens. Especially to executives who may not get social media. Except Noto is the CFO of Twitter. ….
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The Seahawks’ Richard Sherman and Doug Baldwin did a little comedy routine for reporters today, which included lampooning the NFL’s sponsorship rules and $100,000 fine to Marshalll Lynch for not talking. Wonder how much Roger Goodell will fine them for the skit?
Washington apparently will start Colt McCoy nstead of RGIII against the Colts this weekend. Uh oh, has anyone checked Redskins owner Dan Snyder for signs of sanity?
Saw a DWTS “spoiler” saying “Winner Revealed on Season 19 Finale: Is It Alfonso Ribeiro, Janel Parrish, or Sadie Robertson?” And thinking “Who, who and who?”
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From T.C. “Redskins owner Dan Snyder in an attempt to gain support for the name debate, sat with Navajo Chief Ben Skelly and his wife at the Phoenix game. Not to be outdone, new Buffalo owner Terry Pegula invited 20 guys named Bill into his private box yesterday.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Bill Cosby jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, NFL South jokes, Pablo Sandoval jokes, Panda jokes, SF Giants jokes, Urban Meyer jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
November 21, 2014
Scary thing, if a couple conceived a child celebrating the Oakland Raiders’ last win, that baby would be 3 months old now.
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Derek Carr praising Jesus and God after the Oakland Raiders’ win tonight. And God is thinking “Ah, you’re now 1 and 10. Don’t blame anything about this season on me.”
Jesus on the other hand, might be comparing tonight to his work with Lazarus.
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Mike Nichols, 82, director of “The Graduate,” has died. Will his coffin be made of “Plastics”?
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Stanford QB Kevin Hogan, who will graduate in June, but could stay for Master’s degree, says he is considering foregoing his final year of eligibility to enter the NFL draft. And Cardinal fans are thinking, “ah, you could get that graduate degree anytime…”
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The NFL moved the Jets vs. Bills game from Buffalo this weekend, and postponed it to Monday in Detroit. The Meadowlands in East Rutherford might have been available after the Giants game Sunday. But local fans are probably thinking “Thank goodness they didn’t foist that crappy match-up on us.”
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The Buffalo Bills were offering $10 an hour and free tickets to their Sunday game against the Jets for fans willing to shovel snow. New York fans were hoping that show could be shoveled on to the Jets?
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In Buffalo, Mario Williams apparently used a snow plow to help dig retired QB Jim Kelly out of the snowstorm. If the storm moves down to New York City, hope Geno Smith is well stocked with emergency supplies.
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Country star Ty Herndon singer has come out of the closet, or the barn as the case may be. Good for him. But really, most country songs work fine for gay or straight relationships. Just change the pronoun of who did you wrong.
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A list made by an Australian man on why he ended a relationship with his girlfriend has gone viral. One reason he listed was that she was rude to his cat. Millions of women are now trying to find his number.
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Britain is about to lift their ban on women in combat, prompting a warning from retired army colonel Richard Kemp, that this would put lives in danger because women lack “the killer instinct.” Clearly this is a man who has never ventured into the first day of a major pre or post Christmas sale.
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Barry Manilow is having a “ONE LAST TIME!” Tour. And many Americans, especially men, are thinking “Promise?”
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Ted Cruz criticized President Obama’s executive order on immigration by adapting “The words of Cicero — powerfully relevant 2,077 years later,” Uh, did Cruz really want to reference a man most of his supporters have never heard of and think must have lived with dinosaurs?
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There’s a petition to cancel the TLC reality show “19 Kids and Counting”, because of the Duggars’ anti-LGBT stance, and Michelle’s referring to transgenders as “child predators.” Of course, there’s another way that doesn’t interfere with their rights for free speech, however ignorant it may be. – “Just don’t watch.”
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At least 10 people have died in the massive winter storm that has blanked Buffalo. We can tell the midterm elections are over though, the GOP is not blaming it on Obama.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Buffalo Bills jokes, country music jokes, Duggars jokes, Janice Hough, Jets jokes, NFL jokes, Stanford jokes, Ted Cruz jokes, Ty Herndon jokes
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November 18, 2014
Got an invitation for a pre-sale for “Hello Kitty’s Supercute Friendship Festival” at Oracle Arena. Anyone but me think that sounds like a violation of the Geneva Convention?
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RB LeGarrette Blount is with his 4th team in 5 years, and was suspended most of a year at Oregon for punching another player. Now he was released for apparently leaving the field before the end of the MNF game. Congrats to all those who had November 18 in the pool.
Almost 100 years ago, an exchange that perhaps might have anticipated the gay men in the locker room shower silliness: Winston Churchill said to Lady Astor that having a woman in Parliament was like having one “intrude on you in the bathroom.” Her response “You are not handsome enough to have such fears.”
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To put Giancarlo Stanton’s contract in absurd perspective. $325 million is more than half what it cost to build Marlins Park. ($515 million.)
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Buzzfeed quoted a senior Uber exec at a dinner suggesting the company should consider hiring opposition researchers to dig up dirt about journalists who criticize them. Emil Michael, the exec in question says he wasn’t serious and he thought he was off the record anyway. Proving again that testosterone poisoning makes you stupid. Who in high tech thinks ANYTHING is off the record?
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A controversy has erupted over about 1,000 autographed items allegedly signed by Jameis Winston. Part of it is that the authenticator wasn’t allowed to witness the signings. And part of it is that many doubt an FSU athlete could count to 1000.
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FIFA today logged a criminal complaint against the bidding process for the 2018 and 2022 World Cups. Isn’t that like the pot suing the kettle?
The SF Giants’ Tim Hudson. 39, says he will probably retire after the 2015 season? “So young?” responded birthday boy Jamie Moyer, 52..
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Starting in early 2015, tourists with a medical marijuana card from their home state can buy pot in Las Vegas. I can see it now “Dude, where’s my slots?”
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But really, is this a good idea? Medical marijuana and buffet restaurants?
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#BigPapi took #PabloSandoval to dinner in Boston. No word on whether or not #Panda will sign with the #RedSox. But they may have at least temporarily shut down an all-you-can-buffet.
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From Marc Ragovin “Peyton Manning threw two interception this past weekend in the Broncos loss. “Amateur,” said brother Eli.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Hello Kitty jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Sandoval jokes, Stanton jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
November 14, 2014
Why there is no satire, NBA division. Kobe Bryant on the Spurs. “I don’t know if I can express to you how jealous I am of the fact that Tim, Tony Manu and Pop have been together for all those years”. Bryant’s salary for 2014 – $23 million. Duncan $10 million, Parker $12 million.
#iwoulddoanythingforlovebutiwontdothat
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Prince WIlliam and Kate are coming to the U.S. for a three day visit December. Some Americans don’t see all the fuss over a couple people who just happen to be part of a Royal family. Wonder if the dignitaries meeting their Highnesses will include Bill and Hillary Clinton, and both former President Bushes?
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The Department of Energy loan guarantee program, famous for the Solyndra default, has actually started turning a PROFIT on its $34.2 billion in loans, as some companies are becoming successful and paying money back. So where’s all the GOP blame for Obama?
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The 0-8 Philadelphia 76ers,, who just lost by 53 to the Dallas Maverickst, are making a strong bid to become the worst NBA team ever. Sadly, even if they run the table, this team probably couldn’t even win the draft lottery.
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Dick Vitale, 75, said “My goal is to be the first broadcaster in the history of broadcasting to work at a game when I’m 100 years old.” And somewhere Vin Scully just giggled.
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The NBA has released pictures of this year’s Christmas uniforms, which will feature team logos on the front, first names of players on the back, and will be sold by Adidas for $110. Except presumably for the Lakers jerseys, which will cost twice as much and break down after a few wearings.
The NFL fined NY Jets coach Rex Ryan $100,000 for profanity after his team beat the Steelers. Well, if winning generates that kind of outburst at least Rex won’t be out of pocket too much the rest of this season.
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There’s going to be a musical based on the reality show “Duck Dynasty.” “The Duck Commander Family Musical” will open in Las Vegas next February. Just the thing for those straight male rednecks who have been waiting for THEIR Broadway show. Both of them.
And have to wonder, will the Robertson’s put a “morality” clause on sexual orientation for actors…? If so, hope they’re planning on a one or two man show.
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Former Chicago Mayor Jane Byrne has passed away. She leaves quite a legacy – the first woman mayor of the city, and one of the few Illinois leaders never to have been arrested.
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Starting to get emails and banner ads about “The 117th Big Game between Stanford and Cal” on November 22.” Of course, the time isn’t set yet. Because nothing says how important a rivalry game is like a “TBA” on the schedule for television. Sigh.
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An Alabama high school teacher has been arrested and charged with three sexual incidents with students in six months. Think she took being a physically education teacher a bit too seriously?
From Alex Kaseberg “Chicago Bear receiver, Brandon Marshall, upset by a remark made about his mother, challenged one of his twitter followers $25,000 to fight him. Bears QB Jay Cutler threw out the same challenge, but it was intercepted and returned for a touchdown.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: age jokes, Bears jokes, Dick Vitale jokes, Jets jokes, Lakers jokes, NBA jokes, NFL jokes, Princess William jokes, Vin Scully jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
November 10, 2014
So much for the #Lakers’ perfect season.
And Charles Barkley’s favorite restaurants are now going “Our long national nightmare is over.”
Even #Cubs fans feel sorry for #Bears fans tonight. #GBvsChi
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T.C. (from British Columbia) suggests that most Americans turned off the Packers-Bears rout at half-time. Those who didn’t, who weren’t Green Bay fans, probably thought they had accidentally turned on a replay of a SEC game vs. a nonconference opponent.
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In a crazy world small signs of stability can be a good thing. To that end the Oakland Raiders are doing their part to be the one #NFL team that consistently sucks.
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Mark Cuban mused that the Oklahoma Thunder at this point might be better off tanking the season in a “race to the bottom”. And the Raiders are thinking. “Well, that’s one NFL race we’ve won.”
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Many thought the 49ers’ Aldon Smith would have his suspension reduced. This didn’t happen, reportedly because he didn’t do all his “counseling protocol.” So much for all those who say it doesn’t matter if athletes learn to go to class. #cantfixstupid
Not sure if the SF 49ers are going to the playoffs, but after the “Hail Mary” offensive pass interference penalty he drew on Jimmy Graham, CB Perrish Cox has reportedly been offered a tryout by several professional soccer teams.
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If football games were 58 minutes long #Saints would be midseason favorites to win #superbowl. #SFvsNO #cantfinish
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Freed missionary Kenneth Bae, back in the U.S. from North Korea, said “It’s been an amazing two years, I learned a lot.” Like maybe not to lead tour groups to North Korea?
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Arctic temperature will reach across much of the U.S. this week, with even a chance of snow in D.C. Proving some were right when they said hell would freeze over before we’d see a GOP landslide this year.
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One last thought on last Tuesday’s election. Whatever you think of President Obama’s candidates from both parties tried to hard to distance themselves from him. voters may well have figured at least they’d go for the honest ones.
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Label notation of the year award: “May have been processed on equipment that was also used to process nuts.” On a jar of peanut butter.
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Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, GOP jokes, Janice Hough, Lakers jokes, NFL jokes, political jokes, Raiders jokes, Saints jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
November 4, 2014
An increasing number of #NFL teams seem to be playing like they’re auditioning for #TheWalkingDead
#NYGiants new slogan? “We s*ck less than the #NYJets.
Interesting matchup next Sunday. The #SF49ers, who after their start are furious at now being 4-4. Against the #Saints, who after their start are thrilled to be 4-4.
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#NYJets have a bye week. Which means that #GenoSmith will be about as productive as usual on fantasy teams.
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A last thought about #SF49ers goal line debacle yesterday. Some wonder why Harbaugh didn’t give the ball to Frank Gore. And Stanford fans remember Big Game 2009 and the Cardinal having a Heisman level RB and a chance to win at the end. Harbaugh didn’t give it to Gerhart either. #whatmebitter
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Carmelo Anthony says that the Knicks are over last year’s “bad energy.” So that means NY is ready to create some new bad energy.?
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A last thought about #SF49ers goal line debacle yesterday. Some wonder why Harbaugh didn’t give the ball to Frank Gore. And Stanford fans remember Big Game 2009 and the Cardinal having a Heisman level RB and a chance to win at the end. Harbaugh didn’t give it to Gerhart either. #whatmebitter
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Berkeley students are circulating a petition to get the university to cancel Bill Maher’s appearance at commencement. And somewhere the 1964 founders of the “Free Speech Movement” are weeping. Or they should be.
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A couple was actually married on a Southwest flight from Nashville to Dallas this weekend. Wonder if all was well until the bride reclined her seat into his and the groom filed for divorce?
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Red Lobster, which had added non-seafood items in hopes of attracting customers who didn’t like fish, is jettisoning some of those new dishes and adding more lobster. Makes sense. Because for those wanting mediocre chain food that isn’t seafood, the market is pretty saturated.
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Governor Jerry Brown is expected to win re-election handily tomorrow, despite having barely campaigned at all. Of course, one reason Brown might be so popular as that Californians haven’t seen him nonstop campaigning and running television ads.
From Marc Ragovin – ” Kenyan runners Wilson Kipsang and Mary Keitany won the NYC marathon. Upon crossing the finish line, Chris Christie ordered them to shut up as he and Andrew Cuomo threw them into quarantine tents.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, NY Giants jokes, NY Jets jokes, Red Lobster jokes, Southwest jokes
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October 27, 2014
The Reverend Hunter Pence, giving the field his pre-game blessing before World Series Game 5.
What was all this MVP chant late in game 5? Madison Bumgarner did go 0-4 tonight at the plate And he was not happy about it.
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And at one point tonight there was a nice play by Brandon Belt when Bumgarner forgot to cover first. Wonder if Madbum, a rancher in the off season, will offer Belt a cow as a thank you. #SFGiants. #WorldSeries
As a child fell seriously in love with baseball as #Detroit Tigers fan in 1968. So good to see #MADBUM channel #mickeylolich #WorldSeries
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Personally retired the “Automatic Out” nickname for #juanperez after the #NLDS. That nickname is now permanently retired. #Sfgiants #worldseries
Country singer Aaron Lewis forgot the words to the National Anthem tonight at A T& T Park, singing the second line as , “What so proudly we hailed were so gallantly streaming.” Jeff Passan of Yahoo Sports nailed this one. “For someone who has DON’T TREAD ON ME tattooed on his neck, Aaron Lewis might want to learn his national anthem before he tries it again.”
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Chicago DE Lamarr Houston injured himself celebrating a sack of New England’s backup QB in the 4th quarter of the Patriots’ rout of the Bears Sometimes the universe itself provides the best penalty for excessive celebration.
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The NFL has announced there will be 5 games in London next year. But NY Jets fans are asking if London will take all their remaining home games THIS year.
Michigan players put a spear into the field at Spartan Stadium before their 35-11 loss to MSU. Seems like the Wolverines might be better served by learning how to put the ball into the end zone.
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Breaking news, #NYJets fans ask Gov. Cuomo and Gov. Christie if they can quarantine #GenoSmith
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Jeb Bush’s son said today now it’s “more than likely” that his father will run for president in 2016. God Bless America. Thank goodness we don’t live in a banana republic where power is only in the hands of a few families.
Meanwhile, the New Orleans Saints staked their claim to be the best 3-4 team in the NFL, beating Green Bay 43-22. Though apparently both defenses took the night off – there were no punts by either team, the third time that’s happened in NFL history
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And now for a little sad perspective on the fact that it is after all just a game. St. Louis star rookie Oscar Taveras, dead in a car accident. Only 22 years old. He hit a game tying home run against the Giants in an NLCS game that the Cardinals ended up winning. His only postseason home run as it turned out. He and Juan Perez were good friends. Nice story here from Newsday.
http://www.newsday.com/sports/columnists/david-lennon/oscar-taveras-death-lessens-joy-of-world-series-1.9549640
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: bumgarner jokes, Janice Hough, Jets jokes, madbum jokes, NFL jokes, World Series jokes
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October 25, 2014
Oops. Broncos practice squad player John Boyett, arrested for public intoxication in Denver, told police to “contact my boss, John Elway.” Make that “former boss.” The Broncos cut him yesterday.
If you smoke, don’t text…. A Georgia man, apparenty running low on his supply, sent a text asking “You have some weed?” He accidentally sent the text to his probation officer….. Oops. He is now back behind bars.
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As a Stanford grad, really hated to be rooting against a Cardinal pitcher in the World Series. (Jeremy Guthrie) But life is a series of tough choices. #SFGiants.
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A home run in the 6th inning for Pablo Sandoval with 1 on and San Francisco down 1 run might have priced the Panda out of the Giants league in 2015 as a free agent. But would have been okay with it. #oneyearatatime
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Tampa Bay manager Joe Maddon exercised his opt-out clause with the Rays, and is rumored to be going to the Cubs. Maybe now that he’s turned 60, Maddon just wants to be sure of having Octobers off.
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ToysRUs removes Breaking Bad Action Figures from stores. At least parents can still buy wholesome Mortal Kombat figures & video games. #WTF?
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Shocking, we’ve actually found a depth that reality TV won’t sink to….TLC has cancelled “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” because Mama June is dating a recently released convicted child molester. (Of course, there’s still time for another network to pick the show up.)
Hell is freezing over. I agree with #haroldreynolds . He said “The National League is a better game.” #WorldSeries #SFGiants
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So a health worker arriving from West Africa with no symptoms has been quarantined for 21 days under a new mandatory policy announced by Governors Andrew Cuomo and Chris Christie. Meanwhile, at least one student plus alleged shooter dead in at a high school near Seattle. Think there will be any changes with gun control?
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So while we are freaking out about Ebola, a San Diego State student died Saturday from meningitis, which is also spread by close contact. And apparently this poor young woman was in a sorority and went to two frat parties a few days before she had symptoms…. But we aren’t quarantining Southern California, yet.
T. C. on American tobacco company RJ Reynolds instituting a no-smoking policy at all its offices. “In related news, the manufacturer of ex-lax has removed all the restrooms from its buildings.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: crooks are stupid jokes, Ebola jokes, Janice Hough, marijuana jokes, NFL jokes, ToysRUs jokes, World Series jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
October 19, 2014
The Cowboys’ Joseph Randle, arrested for shoplifting underwear last week, has now signed an endorsement deal with MeUndies, an underwear company. So how long until Jameis Winston signs with Red Lobster?
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Open note to haters. If God really is anti-gay, then how to explain the team that signed Michael Sam to their practice squad having a better season than even their hard core fans could have imagined? #Cowboys
(And no, I am STILL not a Dallas fan. But credit where credit is due.)
Will all these people complaining about an 88 win team playing a 87 win team in the World Series please consider that the “better” MLB teams have a 2 and 16 record in the 2014 postseason against the Kansas City Royals and the SF Giants..
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The Keene, NH, Pumpkin Festival turned into a riot last night, and police had to use tear gas and pepper spray to disperse the crowd. So do we add pumpkin to the list of gateway drugs?.
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Peyton Manning threw his 508th career TD pass today, tying Brett Favre’s NFL record. Asked to comment, especially after watching some other QBs today, Favre responded “well, 508 is my total, so far.”
FSU coach Jimbo Fisher after beating Notre Dame. “This team has tremendous what I call ‘adversity tolerance.” Over-under on how many Seminoles players can spell “adversity tolerance”?
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On a brighter note these days, especially after last’s night debacle in Tempe, at least Stanford fans don’t have to worry any more about all those “David Shaw being lured to the NFL rumors.”
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But on the other hand, Notre Dame is upset because their game comes down to a controversial referee decision. And the rest of college football is trying not to giggle.
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Spain’s “Special Ebola Committee” says that the nurse aide who had contracted Ebola is now free of the virus. Although why should we let a little good news get in the way of serious hysteria.
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Here we go again, now it’s Rep. Peter King demanding Obama must immediately ban on anyone traveling from West African countries with Ebola to the USA. Now, first, there are visa issues. But if anyone IS in one of those countries who is either a U.S. citizen or has a green card or U.S visa, well, of course they wouldn’t think of buying two or more separate tickets to get around such a ban, would they?
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Meanwhile from Alex Kaseberg: ” The Canadian Ebola vaccine looks very promising. If Canada can rid themselves of Justin Bieber, they can get rid of anything.”
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R.I.P. Nashville songwriter Paul Craft, 76. He wrote for the Eagles, Linda Ronstadt, and Ray Stevens. And he did write the country song with perhaps the greatest title ever, “Dropkick me Jesus. (Through the Goalposts of Life.)
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Cowboys jokes, Ebola jokes, Jameis Winston jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Notre Dame joke, Peyton Manning jokes, pumpkin jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
October 15, 2014
KC Royals pitcher Jeremy Guthrie apologized for wearing a T-shirt saying “These O’s aint’ Royal” — a pun on a Chris Brown song. Yeah, really unfair this week to compare Baltimore to Chris Brown, the O’s weren’t hitting anything.
Congrats to Kansas City. Now FOX has a whole week to convince potential viewers that Royals really are America’s Team
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The Royals scored their two runs to win today in the first inning without a hit out of the infield. Who do they think they are, the #SFGiants?
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SF Giants have scored 22 runs in their last 6 post season games. Of those, 10 runs were scored by way of a hit. #smokeandmirrors
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So wonder what Andrew Friedman’s first act running the Dodgers will be. Other than trying just to buy the Royals
-On “The Jim Rome Show,” Bo Jackson said Jameis Winston is ignoring his advice. “I have communicated with him, and I just talked to him like I was his dad.” Yeah, and Winston is probably listening to Jackson about as much as many cocky 20 year olds listen to their dads
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Florida State coach Jimbo Fisher said they are confident Jameis Winston wasn’t paid for autographing memorabilia. And F$U has million$ of rea$on$ to believe that.
Actual items in a grocery ad today. Pumpkin Spice Salsa, Pumpkin Pasta Sauce, Pumpkin BBQ Sauce and, no joke, Organic Pumpkin Pet Food…. Anyone but me counting the days until Halloween and this pumpkin craziness is over?
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Dallas Cowboys coach Jason Garrett said RB Joseph Randle will be fined significantly for his shoplifting arrest. Wonder if the exact amount of the fine will depend on whether or not Garrett shoplifted NFL approved merchandise.
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Ebola is not contagious through the air. But after a second nurse with the virus was found to have flown on Frontier Airlines from Cleveland to Dallas, Frontier issued a statement saying “the aircraft received a thorough cleaning per our normal procedures.” “Normal procedures.” Yeah, that’s what Americans are afraid of…..
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Wonder how many Americans are getting so stressed out about #Ebola that they are taking up smoking?
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Meanwhile, many in the GOP are calling for President Obama to appoint an Ebola “czar.” So they can then turn around and say how bad a job that czar is doing.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Ebola jokes, Jameis Winston jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Orioles jokes, Royals jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
October 8, 2014
Brian Wilson will apparently be exercising his player option so LA will have to pay him $9.5 million in 2015. SF Giants fans, in the spirit of camaraderie, are offering to give Dodger fans their best cocktail recipes.
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Giants got 9 runs in 4 games. 1 home run. A lot of runs that weren’t even scored by hits. And they won the series 3 games to 1. #SFchicksdigthesmallball
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All of these experts predicting the #ALCS and #NLCS winners. Because they’ve done so well so far……#Giants #Cardinals #Royals #Orioles
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No baseball Tuesday night since the #ALDS and #NLDS series are all over. And no football as it’s Wednesday. So it was time for most Americans to start ignoring hockey.
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For hockey fans, the San Jose Sharks did start defending their unofficial title of of being “The Best Regular Season Team in the NHL.”
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Okay, it worked out if you are an #SFGiants fan. But Matt Williams is being lambasted for putting rookie Aaron Barrett into the game late last night with veteran pitchers in the bullpen. But Bruce Bochy put September call-up Hunter Strickland into the game late too. And Strickland did get through an inning, albeit with a home run bomb to Bryce Harper. #geniusifitworksidiocyifitdoesnt #NLDS
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So what’s the difference between the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim and the Los Angeles Dodgers? About 48 hours.
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The FTC just announced that AT&T will pay $105 million in fines for placing unauthorized charges for third-party services on customers’ cell phone bills. So now wonder what surcharge the phone company will add to cover the fines
Roger Goodell, talking to owners and defending the NFL’s player conduct policy. “I believe the vast majority of our players are great people.” Right, because in the US we’ve never needed criminal laws because the vast majority of Americans are law-abiding people.
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An American Airlines plane made an emergency landing in Midland, TX last night because a passenger was vomiting and there were Ebola fears. Despite the fact she had come from TURKEY, not Africa (She has already been released from the hospital). Here we go again…. Let’s hope no one gets the bright idea to put TSA in charge of taking temperatures and asking medical questions:
Open note to ANYONE who is anti-vaccine. Please just STFU about Ebola
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: baseball playoff jokes, Dodgers jokes, Ebola jokes, hockey jokes, Janice Hough, Matt Williams jokes, NFL jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
October 5, 2014
Game time for Giants vs. Nationals is 2:07p. So SF fans won’t have to get that sudden debilitating mystery illness at work Monday until about noon.
So the AL representative in #WorldSeries will be either the Kansas City #Royals or the Baltimore #Orioles. And Fox executives just threw up.
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Still can’t get over all those empty seats in Nationals Park Saturday night in extra innings. It was if we were watching a Nationals game and an Expos game broke out.
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(And okay, so it was almost midnight and getting colder. As a veteran of the 7 plus hour Giants-Dodgers twilight doubleheader in July 1988, however, I have cred on this issue. Scott Garrelts lost BOTH games, the second about 130a.)
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On the other hand, right about now all those #49ers fans who complained about how cold it was at #CandlestickPark thinking “I take it back.” #LevisStadium
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The sunny-side of the stadium was largely empty in the second half of today’s 49ers-Chiefs game. On a brighter note, maybe the 49ers can rent out the place on weekdays as the world’s largest tanning booth?
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Randy Moss now says of playing under Jim Harbaugh with the 49ers: “He treated us men like we were still college kids at Stanford.” Does Moss mean Harbaugh overestimated most of the team’s maturity level?
Saw today’s new poll of the best 25 college teams and it inexplicably left off the #NYJets
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Although main thought watching week 5 in the #NFL. This league has a lot of mediocre football teams.
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So #11 Oregon, who beat #8 MSU by 18, is ranked below the Spartans in today’s coaches poll, and an undefeated #12 TCU is ranked below the #9 Oklahoma team they beat. Well, no one ever suggested anyone connected with college football is good with math.
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Paul Revere, founder of Paul Revere and the Raiders, has passed away at the age of 76. Please can someone get a comment from Sarah Palin on his death?
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Lots of rumors that this is Jim Harbaugh’s last year with the 49ers. This morning Jed York tweeted “Jim is my coach. We are trying to win a SB, not a personality or popularity contest. Any more questions?” Well, at least York didn’t say he was behind Harbaugh 1000%.
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Who ever thought #Jets fans would be looking back longingly to the glory days of #MarkSanchez and #TimTebow?
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More “Why there is no satire.” Todd Kincannon, former executive director of the South Carolina GOP tweeted yesterday. “People with Ebola in the US need to be humanely put down immediately.” And followed it with “The protocol for a positive Ebola test should be immediate humane execution and sanitization of the whole area. That will save lives.” And yes, he’s “pro-life.”
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Joint joke with my friend Alex Kaseberg. “What is with all the long, bushy beards on baseball players. Have not seen this many beards since Tom Cruise was auditioning potential future wives.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, college football jokes, Harbaugh jokes, Janice Hough, Jets jokes, Levis stadium jokes, Nationals jokes, NFL jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 30, 2014
Most sleepless night for baseball players not with the Oakland A’s tonight? Angels catchers Chris Iannetta & Hank Conger having nightmares about trying to throw out Royals baserunners….
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Kansas City Police (@kcpolice) for the winning tweet of the night “We really need everyone to not commit crimes and drive safely right now. We’d like to hear the @Royals clinch this.”
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#As and #Royals were so unhappy about a single wild-card game they decided to play two. #ALWildcard
(Personally I think a single game playoff is wrong, but if MLB is going to have one, maybe they should at least let teams keep their 40 man September rosters… Though it might have been fun watching infielders pitch in the 16th or 17th inning…)
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Wonder how many folks went to bed on the East Coast or turned off the TV in the 7th inning of the #ALWildcard and are waking up this am “WTF?”
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In Las Vegas, the Philadelphia 76ers are projected to win 15.5 games this season. That many?
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So parents of young children were supposed to get all upset because #HunterPence dropped some F bombs on television but the AL Wild Card can feature a Viagra commercial with a sultry blonde woman saying “Plenty of guys have this issue — not just getting an erection, but keeping it.”
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Some cynics are claiming that Chelsea Clinton’s baby was perfectly timed for media impact. Ridiculous. As if anyone looking for maximum publicity would ever time an event to coincide with George Clooney’s wedding.
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Theo Epstein said the Cubs’ “goal is the NL Central title next year.” And millions of women are thinking “Yeah, our goal was to marry George Clooney too.”
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Michael Phelps was arrested last night for his 2nd DUI. Clearly this man would be better off sticking to pot.
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Biggest disappointment of MNF – Nobody found Gisele Bündchen to ask what she thought of her husband’s Patriots teammates afterwards.
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New Lakers coach Bryon Scott says he loves that “pretty much everyone has written us off. That’s obviously fuel to the fire.” Alas the fire that is fueled might be longtime fans burning season tickets.
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The NFL has quickly admitted they made a mistake penalizing Chiefs safety Husain Abdullah, who knelt in Muslim prayer last night after returning a interception for a touchdown. This would never have happened had Abdullah played for the Raiders, they don’t get any interceptions for touchdowns.
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The Rocco Forte hotel chain is offering guests booked through certain travel agents free wi-fi for up to three devices in a room. And a lot of travelers are thinking “So how do we decide which three?”
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#TonySparano was named the #Raiders interim head coach. But really, aren’t all head coaches in Oakland “interim”?
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The FCC today eliminated their local blackout rule for NFL games that are not sold out. although the league says they don’t expect to change policy, claiming in a statement “The NFL is the only sports league that televises every one of its games on free, over-the-air television.” And of course the statement was covered on NFL Network and ESPN.
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Headline about the latest alleged Secret Service fail. “Obama Rode Elevator With Armed Ex-Convict.” Of course, these days an armed ex-con COULD be an elected official from an open carry state.
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Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: A's jokes, Hunter Pence jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Patriots jokes, Royals jokes, secret service jokes, Viagra jokes, wild card jokes
Comments: 5 Comments
September 28, 2014
The Empire State Building tonight featured blue and white pinstripes in honor of Derek Jeter. The worst thing now that Jeter has finally retired? New Yorkers have to turn their attention to the Jets.
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And yes, I know it’s about being the face of a franchise. But the sad thing, MLB has paid much more attention to the retirement of Derek Jeter than to the death of Tony Gwynn.
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The Tampa Bay Buccaneers finally won a game today. And the 2008 Detroit Lions and 1976 Bucs presumably popped some cans of generic beer.
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Teddy Bridgewater, who took over for injured Vikings QB Matt Cassell, left today’s Minnesota win with a sprained ankle. “I’m available, I’m available” said Brett Favre.
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Wonder what the #NFL record is for scoring by a team without using the offense? #Eagles #49ers.
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The NFL is trying hard to build their brand in England. And today’s game will help in one way. – even casual British sports fans will know the #Raiders s*ck.
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Rory McIlroy led Europe to another Ryder Cup win today. McIlroy is looking unstoppable, as long as he doesn’t cheat on a woman who knows how to handle a golf club.
Have to wonder how good the #SFGiants could have been had they just pushed the #panik button earlier this year.
Okay, really, glad she’s okay. But how many people could type “Jennifer Lopez” and “rear-ended” in the same sentence without giggling?
Would just one of these Republicans saying that we need “boots on the ground” to fight ISIS volunteer to fill a pair of those boots?
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More stuff you can’t make up. English version: the UK Sunday Mirror reports a leading Conservative minister, Brooks Newark, resigned over having exchanged explicit photos with someone he thought was a “20-something Tory PR woman”, but turned out to be a male reporter. Newark, a married father of five, had been heading up “Women2Win” – the Prime Minister’s drive to get more women in politics….
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Okay, who had the last undefeated teams in the #NFL in 2014 being the #Cardinals & #Bengals? Now all you liars lower your hands.
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Worst part of tonight’s #NOvsDAL game is #JerryJones looking like a genius for firing #RobRyan
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: boots on the ground jokes, Derek Jeter jokes, Janice Hough, JLo jokes, NFL jokes, Rory McIlory jokes
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September 22, 2014
A fake ad on Twitter suggested that Apple iOS 8 users could charge their phones in the microwave. Apparently some people have tried. And somewhere Darwin is weeping.
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After a long separation, Bruce and Kris Jenner have announced they are divorcing. Apparently the train wreck that has become the NFL is taking too many headlines away from the Kardashians.
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So #BruceJenner and #KrisJenner are divorcing. Guess Kris finally decided for sure she wasn’t gay?
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SF WR Anquan Boldin claimed the officiating cost the 49ers “another game” yesterday. Of course, what’s this team really needed was the refs to call the game over after three quarters.
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A German FIFA executive says he doesn’t think the 2022 World Cup will be held in Qatar. Because they’ve finally come to their senses on the heat? Or because someone is offering a FIFA a bigger bribe?.
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Need to tell #Panda that salary drive year means hitting more than his weight in Sept. He’s barely hitting Lincecum’s weight #SfGiants
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Baltimore Ravens owner Steve Bisciotti complained today that the ESPN report about the Ray Rice case was from “a majority of the sources [who] are people that work for Ray Almost everything in there is anonymous, but it’s clear from the subject matter that it’s Ray’s attorney, it’s Ray’s agent, it’s Ray’s friends.” Possibly, but one thing Bisciotti didn’t say was that anything in the report was untrue.
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Sarah Palin defended her family on Facebook after the brawl earlier this month where police were called, with a post that included a picture of Bristol with a gun ‘“I love my Bristol! My straight-shooter is one of the strongest young women you’ll ever meet. I have to say this as a proud mama: right up there with their work ethic and heart for those less fortunate, my kids’ defense of family makes my heart soar!”
This might be the first time that “Bristol Palin” and “work” have been mentioned in the same sentence.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, iPhone jokes, Janice Hough, Kris Jenner jokes, NFL jokes, Palin jokes
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September 21, 2014
For non-Saints fans “Ignorance is no excuse” is the phrase Roger Goodell used when, despite no evidence that Sean Payton knew about the bounty scheme, the NFL commissioner suspended the New Orleans coach for a year.
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Ray Lewis on the Ray Rice situation, ” There’s some things you can cover up and then there’s some things you can’t.” Well, he should know. #murder
The NY Daily News reports a source saying of the June meeting with Rice, Goodelll and others in the NFL “Ray owned it from day one,” said one source of Rice’s descriptions of events. “He went in as if (the tape)existed. Everyone knew it existed. He knew if the commissioner hadn’t already seen it, he would see it.” It really is looking like Rice may come out of this looking better than the NFL commissioner.
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On a brighter note for #Cal football, losers 49-45 by a last-second Hail Mary; last year they wouldn’t have HAD a 31-13 lead to blow in the 4th quarter.
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The Atlanta Braves have been eliminated from the postseason. So they will not be able to continue their streak of not selling out playoff games.
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#NFL proves once again why their #overtime rule is as bad a way to end a game as penalty kicks. #DENvsSEA
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Jameis Winston will be back has the FSU QB Monday. No word on when Seminoles coach Jimbo Fisher will remove the duct tape from Winston’s mouth.
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Tens of thousands of protesters, including many celebrities – RFK, Jr, Al Gore, Leonardo DiCaprio, Sting and Mark Ruffalo for examples -marked in the People’s Climate March in New York today. Wonder how many of the celebs arrived by private plane?
Just proving that not all NFL stupid moments involve crimes and coverups:: Detroit Lions LB Stephen Tulloch made a stop against the Green Bay Packers. And when he jumped to celebrate Tulloch tweaked his knee and had to come out of the game.
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Derek Jeter, interviewed for New York magazine, complained that Hank and Hal Steinbrenner are “not around as much as the Boss was. The Boss would pop in frequently during the course of the season. Hal and Hank, they don’t really come in too often.” And his Yankees’ teammates are thinking “Thanks for giving them the idea, don’t let the door hit you on the way out.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Jameis Winston, Jameis Winston jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Ray Lewis jokes, ray rice jokes
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September 19, 2014
Roger Goodell, 2014. He “believes” nobody in the NFL office saw the Ray Rice video. Roger Goodell, 2012, In suspending Saints coach Sean Payton for a year, “Ignorance is no excuse.”
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Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis’s baby daughter is due any day now. And to show there are no hard feelings, Ashton’s ex-wife Demi Moore is sending over some of his old favorite toys.
Florida State just announced they have suspended QB Jameis Winston for the entire game Saturday night against Clemson. Translation: the Seminoles have decided the Tigers weren’t as scary as they thought.
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The #Cubs magic number is 8. As in “8 more games and we are officially waiting for next year.”
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Pabst Brewing Co, the makers of PBR, Colt 45, Old Milwaukee, Schlitz and Lone Star beer, has been sold to Russian company Oasis. Waiting for Texas Senator Ted Cruz to slam Obama on needing tougher sanctions on Russia now. #beer #priorities
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Roger #Goodell said NFL will “get its house in order.” Well, at least he didn’t say he would beat the problem into submission. #clueless
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United Airlines now notes on their website what they consider to be the “best” Economy Plus seats you can pay extra to sit in. How long until they start noting the “worst” seats that you need to pay extra to avoid?
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The Cleveland planning commission approved a 10-story-high banner of Lebron James to hang on a downtown wall. In case Lebron changes his mind again, hope the banner will be fireproof.
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Ah, Joe. The Vice President recently admitted it was a “poor choice of words” for him to refer to unscrupulous lenders as “Shylocks.” Of course it could have been worse, many of the people who might have condemned Biden haven’t read Shakespeare and don’t know what the term means.
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Although really, could Joe Biden have gaffed Roger Goodell’s press conference worse than Goodell himself did?
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And for all the meaningless babble in Goodell’s press conference he didn’t say the two words most Americans really wanted to hear – “I quit.”
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The parents of Honey Boo-Boo, Mama June and Sugar Bear, are splitting up. TMZ reported she found he was signed up for online dating sites. The couple, however, while they have gone through a “commitment ceremony” was never married. Where are the family values / Defense of Marriage folks on this one?
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Apparently thousands of tourists are still stuck in Cabo San Lucas after the hurricane, in uncomfortable situations with limited water and food. In fact, the conditions are almost as bad as they were on the plane flights to Mexico.
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They don’t give an award in MLB for “biggest choke job.” But this year there sure are a lot of contenders.
According to the NJ Star-Ledger, Rutgers AD Julie Hermann told staff members in a meeting. “[We] have to reach out to our donors, fans, everyone, and we need to touch them. Not in a Jerry Sandusky-type way.” Wow. Is Hermann trying to get hired as a VP of sensitivity training for the NFL.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Biden jokes, Cubs jokes, Goodell jokes, Jameis Winston jokes, janice houghes, NFL jokes, United jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
Left Coast Sports Babe 