Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ category
October 5, 2011
For comedy writers. The Yankees avoided choking and Chris Christie announced he will not run for President.
But ever onward.
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Watching the Yankees win big is like watching Microsoft put another moderately funded start-up out of business.
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This afternoon the Tampa Bay Rays became the first team eliminated with the baseball playoffs. When asked their reaction, most sports fans in Tampa responded “We have a baseball team?”
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MLB fined St. Louis manager Tony La Russa for complaining on television about “two different strike zones” in Sunday’s game. But Yankees manager Joe Girardi also complained publicly about the strike zone for Sabathia last night. Well, not sure about two different strike zones, but where the Yankees are concerned MLB has two different rule books.
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New drugs for PTSD have the effect in some cases of wiping out memories. Although some scientists worry that such medications could also change people’s biographies and thus identities. Of course, there is a way for some men to take the drugs and still have total recall with details available – it’s called a wife.
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Note for women who are hoping to get a new iPhone 5 or 4s for Christmas. Most of the guys who will be first in line to get one are single.
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A Michigan high school girl , Brianna Amat, was named homecoming queen, and then that same evening went out and kicked the winning field goal for her school. She was immediately offered a tryout with the Philadelphia Eagles.
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So the NBA has now cancelled the pre-season, and is threatening to cancel the regular season. Which means that fans of professional basketball will be stuck watching John Calipari coach at Kentucky.
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Ralph Nader spoke at UC Berkeley today saying major universities should eliminate athletic scholarships or risk losing their “academic luster.” Of course, in the SEC their idea of “academic luster” means shiny bowl championship rings.
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Hank Williams Jr. is apologizing for comparing President Obama to Hitler. But the singer’s’ views are so conservative, you have to wonder, was he apologizing to fans of Obama or fans of Hitler?
Now for the anti-Hank Williams Jr.: Garth Brooks’ lyrics to “We shall be free: “When the last thing we notice is the color of skin. And the first thing we look for is the beauty within. When the skies and the oceans are clean again. We shall be free.” “When we’re free to love anyone we choose. When this world’s big enough for all different views…. We shall be free.” (Google the whole song if you like country music at all.)
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Today, October 4, United Airlines sent out a message to their frequent fliers saying that it was “Time to book Thanksgiving travel.” Although of course discount fares for peak days were sold out a couple months ago. Means their marketing department is as on time as many of their planes.
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Chris Christie says “Now is not my time.” And says unequivocally that he will not run for President in 2012. This might be the strongest sign yet that despite his poll numbers, Barack Obama is poised to win re-election.
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The Almighty works in strange and magical ways. LSU QB Jordan Jefferson, speaking out for the first time since his suspension said “God puts people in certain situations. I don’t regret anything. Everything happened for a reason. I’ve learned a lot from this.” Hmm, missed the part in the Bible where God puts people in bar fights.
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From Bill Littlejohn: A video is making the rounds in which a Cowboys fan and his son take three attempts to burn a Tony Romo jersey.In the wake of this, Cleveland Cavaliers fans have announced an instructional video”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Chris Christie, Eagles jokes, Hank Williams Jr. jokes, New York Yankees jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
October 4, 2011
I think I can speak for many Americans when I say, “Okay, so I’d rather see “my” team win a playoff game. But it’s not a bad consolation prize to watch the Yankees lose.”
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My friend Walter pointed out today that of all the meaningless statistics in baseball, the most egregious involve pinstripes, like Sportscenter talking about the “most Ks postseason against the Yankees.”
But get this one from ESPN.com: “Delmon Young’s solo homer in Monday’s game was the sixth go-ahead, game-winning shot in the seventh inning or later vs. the Yankees during the wild-card era. The last was David Ortiz’s walk-off homer in 2004 that started the Red Sox’s historic comeback in the ALCS.”
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On the postgame show, Joe Girardi politely complained about the small strike zone for Sabathia. When asked, “did you think the zone was equal for both sides?” he responded “I don’t necessarily look at Verlander’s pitches, I look at our guy’s.” Yeah, hard to understand how the Yankees get the reputation for thinking the world resolves around them.
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The Yankees got two on in the ninth, but Derek Jeter struck out to end the game. His sixth strikeout of the ALDS. Guess this postseason you can’t spell “Kaptain” without a “K.”
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Potential joke after game four. What’s the difference between the Red Sox and the Yankees?
About a week.
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Hank Williams Jr’s “Are you ready for some football,” was dropped from the opening of MNF after the country singer compared President Obama to Hitler. Williams also added “They’re the enemy… Obama! And Biden! Are you kidding? The Three Stooges.” Sounds like his Hank’s math skills are on a part with the rest of his intelligence.
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Tacky joke about a tackier incident. What was Hank Williams Jr. thinking when he said John Boehner’s outing with the President was like golfing with Hitler? As if Hitler would have ever gone golfing with an orange person.
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Martha Stewart’s daughter Alexis, 46, has written a tell-all book, “Whateverland: Learning to Live Here,” in which she complains about her mother and says amongst other things that she was very rigid and everything had to be done perfectly. Martha Stewart a control freak? “I’m shocked”, said absolutely nobody.
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Is it just me, or is anyone else just not that impressed with people making big money and going on book tours, when they’ve accomplished no more in their lives than being able to complain about their famous parents?
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The latest MLB rumor has GM Theo Epstein possibly leaving the Red Sox for the Cubs. Well, at least it would take care of that problem of overly high expectations.
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Speaking of expectations, okay, so the Buccaneers beat the Colts on MNF. These things happen. But who in the off-season would have expected the headline “Indianapolis nearly upsets Tampa Bay?”
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Hawaii has become the first state to call surfing an official high school sport. In California and Florida they are scoffing – it’s not a sport until you can get paid in college for playing it.
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Three Buckeyes football players have been suspended for OSU’s game against Nebraska for allegedly being paid too much money for too little work in their summer jobs. Have to wonder, are the players all planning to run for Congress?
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Although the way OSU is playing, maybe they were also suspended for being overpaid for their on-field performance.
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Heaven knows the Democratic party has some serious crazies. But at the moment none of them are running for President. This from a recent Michele Bachmann appearance on an Iowa radio show: A caller told her he would vote for serial killer Charles Manson over President Obama. “Hey, thank you for saying that,” she replied.
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Headline today: “Christie Would ‘Cannonball’ Republican Field.” Cannonball? As a child who grew up in diving in hotel/motel pools before this was outlawed, I would say a Chris Christie “Cannonball” would be more like a tsunami.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Detroit Tigers jokes, Hank Williams Jr, Jeter jokes, jokes, New York Yankees jokes, playoff jokes
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October 3, 2011
The Eagles blew a big second half lead against the 49ers, the Phillies blew a 4-0 lead against the Cardinals. Well, at least for one day no one can say that Philadelphia fans didn’t have plenty to boo about.
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Lions 34-Cowboys 30, Tigers 5-Yankees 3. Best day for Detroit in recent memory not involving a government bailout.
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And let’s see, the Lions won, the Tigers won, and Michael Vick lost. Not a bad afternoon for the cat lobby.
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Song for Monday on Philadelphia radio “Cry like an Eagle?”
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From Gary. M. “With the stock market on a continuous death drop, I’ve renamed my retirement fund the Boston Dead Stocks.”
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But who says there’s no bi-partisan agreement in this country? Lions 34, Cowboys 30. My guess is that in 49 of 50 states, people are reacting to this news with smirks, smiles or outright laughter. (And maybe in Austin too.)
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For SF Giants fans going through Brian Wilson “torture” withdrawal, may I suggest watching a replay of the Tigers’ Jose Valverde’s ninth inning performance against the Yankees. All that was missing was the beard.
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Dick Cheney said Sunday “I think the decision that’s been made with respect to allowing gays to serve openly in the military is a good one.” Well, good for him. Shame considering that Cheney feels this way about “DADT” that he was never in a position of power with the ability to do something about it.
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John McCain says he “admires” N.J. Governor Chris Christie, but as far as entering the Presidential race, he warned that “the swimming pool looks a lot better until you jump right in.” Translation, just wait they remember you support civil unions, have been at times supportive of illegal immigrants, and actually believe in science.
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Interesting, WordPress advises bloggers what terms people who found your blog were searching for. The number one, two and three searches Sunday all related to the Red Sox choking. Well, Red Sox fans, maybe next week we can add “Yankees choke jokes” to the list.
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Interesting also watching the Tigers-Yankees on TNT Sunday. Many fans, including SF Giants fans believe the national media is prejudiced against their team. Beginning to think it’s actually quite simple, the media is prejudiced against anyone who isn’t the Yankees.
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Actual serious comment for a change:
Barack Obama at the Human Rights Campaign Dinner: “We don’t believe in being silent when an American soldier is booed… You want to be commander in chief? You can start by standing up for the men and women who wear the uniform of the United States, even when it’s not politically convenient.” Nice to see lately that the President seems to have rediscovered his cajones
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Cheney jokes, Detroit jokes, Eagles jokes, Phillies jokes, Vick jokes, Yankees jokes
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October 2, 2011
Anyone have a clue what’s with SNL and the Lawrence Welk spoofs? Do they figure the only people who still regularly find the show funny are old enough to remember the original?
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Stanford beat UCLA tonight in football, 45 to 19. In a game that starte at 745p. 1045p EST. Just in time maybe for the opening kickoff return to make the late night east coast news. All hail America’s true God – television.
The game finished just before 2am. EST. Presumably just in time for the first NFL pre-game show.
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Barry Sanders, Jr, (yes, the son of the NFL Hall of Famer), is considering several universities where he might play college football. The leading candidates are apparently Oklahoma State, Florida State, Alabama, Arkansas, Auburn and Stanford. Of course, Stanford can offer Sanders one thing the other schools can’t – actual classes.
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Another week, another heartbreaking collapse in the fourth quarter for Texas A & M. Who’s coaching this team? Lebron James?
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A guy known as “Ben” is appearing on a Style Network reality show called “Sperm Donor,” where he told his fiance he may have fathered as many as 70 biological children. Responded a few anonymous NBA players – “Amateur.”
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Looks like there may be a silver lining to Ohio State’s 2011 season. This year the Buckeyes won’t have any big-time bowl memorabilia to sell.
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Now of course, OSU may right the ship. But if not, it could be a good rivalry game this year for the folks in Ann Arbor. Wonder how many headline writers are just itching to write “Wolverines tattoo Buckeyes.”
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Kobe Bryant is apparently negotiating seriously to play in Italy next year. Presumably his wife will insert a clause saying the team must house him somewhere without room service.
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Does NBA now stand for “No Basketball Anticipated?”
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The FBI and Dept. of Homeland security are warning that our killing of U.S.-born militant cleric Anwar al-Awlaki, could spark retaliatory attacks. Uh, since Al-Qaeda’s stated objective is to kill Americans, this is different from standard operating procedure how?
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At a fundraiser in N.H, Rick Perry said he is open to sending American troops to Mexico to help battle drug cartels. Can’t imagine where Perry gets his reputation for shooting off his mouth without thinking.
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Although he insists he’s not entering the race for President, New Jersey Chris Christie is the latest hope for many in the GOP. It’s all become like watching a reality TV show titled “Who wants to be a Republican presidential candidate?”
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Sarah Palin called Herman Cain the “flavor of the month.” Last night on the “Tonight Show,” Cain cheerfully proclaimed himself “Haagan-Daas Black Walnut,” saying he has “”substance.” Maybe, but many people’s experience with Haagan-Daas is that it’s rich, looks good, seems like a great idea at first, but then after finishing it you think, “Ugh, why did I do that?”
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Buckeye jokes, college football jokes, football jokes, Ohio State jokes, OSU jokes, Presidential primary jokes, Stanford football jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
October 1, 2011
After 162 games, the MLB playoffs finally started Friday for the eight teams who survived into the postseason. “Eight teams left?”, commented NBA and NHL fans. “So aren’t we in the second or third round by now.”
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Apparently the weather was nice all day Friday in New York, but started pouring about 915p. Had the first Tigers-Yankees playoff game only been scheduled for a reasonable 715p instead of 845p for television, they could have gotten most of the game in before the storm hit.
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Open note to SF Giants’ GM Brian Sabean and manager Bruce Bochy about playing all those “playoff experienced veterans” down the stretch. The Tampa Bay Rays’ Matt Moore made his second major league start EVER Friday, and his third total appearance.
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And yeah, it’s early days yet. But someone apparently forgot to tell the Tampa Bay Rays they have no business being in the postseason.
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Someone had to take the fall for the Red Sox, and it looks like it’s Terry Francona. Well, Grady Little lost his job for leaving Pedro Martinez in too long. Francona apparently left his whole starting lineup and rotation in too long.
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As the MLB playoffs began Friday, many Tampa Bay Rays fans are still kicking themselves that they turned off the Wednesday’s last regular season game after the 7th inning. And many Boston Red Sox fans are kicking themselves that they didn’t.
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Manny Ramirez was formally charged with domestic violence stemming from an arrest in September when he allegedly slapped his wife in the face. In Manny’s defense he is claiming it was “just that time of month.”
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A hiker collapsed and died just before completing the Appalachian Trail. “What a shame it wasn’t my ex-husband when he was ‘hiking'”, thought Jenny Sanford.
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Herman Cain was on “the Tonight Show with Jay Leno” Friday. A few quotes, Rick Perry is a “good governor”, Newt Gingrich is “brilliant” and Michele Bachmann is “very nice.” And Mitt Romney – “nice hair.” So much for Cain’s chances of getting Donald Trump’s endorsement.
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Florida legislators ignored GOP rules and confirmed that they will hold the state’s presidential primary on Jan. 31, 2012. Well, Florida doesn’t have a record of smart political behavior. Rumor has it some legislators were pushing for Feb 31.
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Bank of America just announced a $5 monthy debit card fee. And now their homepage and online banking service experienced serious problems all day Friday. Millions of Americans wonder if hackers were involved, and if so, how they can thank them.
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Hard feelings? Just a little. Former Maryland coach Ralph Friedgen was fired last year just before the Terrapins’ bowl game. And Friday, Friedgen, who is a also Maryland alum, told a Baltimore radio station that he has burned his degree.
Responded more than a few SEC athletic directors “What’s a degree?”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bank of America jokes, Florida jokes, MLB playoff jokes, Red Sox jokes, SEC jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
September 30, 2011
It’s Friday morning. And Generalissimo Francisco Franco, the Atlanta Braves, and the Boston Red Sox are still dead.
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Boston Red Sox GM Theo Epstein allegedly called SF Giants management this morning – “Nothing personal guys, but we think it’s time for you to hand over that ‘Torture’ slogan.”
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All the sports talk now is about the Boston Red Sox historic collapse last night. To which the Atlanta Braves commented “Who are we, flattened chopped liver?” (Or as my friend Michael Duca says “Chopped Tomahawks.)
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Rumor has it Curt Schilling wanted to go on air to defend his former Red Sox teammates. But with the mood in Boston this morning, apparently the team’s official response was “Oh, put a bloody sock in it”
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What a shock. LSU’s Jordan Jefferson had his battery charges stemming from a bar fight reduced to a misdemeanor. (Jefferson was only accused of kicking another man repeatedly while he was down on the ground.) And LSU coach Les Miles lifted his star QB’s suspension.
Prediction, the trial date will be set for January, after Jefferson leads the team to a BCS bowl.
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And so, Friday is the first day of the MLB playoffs. The Tigers’ Justin Verlander faces the Yankees at 837p EST on TBS. And for your pregame entertainment, TBS will also be showing the Rangers-Rays at 507p.
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Many are wondering if it was God’s will that the Rays and Cardinals ended up in the playoffs. And God has allegedly replied “Don’t pin this on me, I’m still trying to replace Peyton Manning on my fantasy football teams.”
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True bus to hell joke from my friend Marc Ragovin: Boston hasn’t seen so much choking since Albert DeSalvo. (Note to anyone under 40 who likes really sick jokes and is thinking “What?”, Google the name.)
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Congrats to the Golden State Warriors have hired Rick Welts, the first openly gay basketball executive, as their team president. To paraphrase Barry Goldwater’s statement about the military, it apparently now doesn’t matter if you’re gay or straight, if you can put together a team that can shoot straight.
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SEC commissioner Mike Slive has asked the BCS to lift the rule saying that a maximum of two teams from a single conference can play in the five major bowl games. Why doesn’t Slive say what he really wants – for the BCS to say “It’s the SEC’s world, we just live in it.”
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A quote from the master: Jon Stewart last night arguing taxes with Bill O’Reilly. “I’m not saying we should shoot (the rich) but we shouldn’t act like returning to the tax rates of the Nineties is class warfare on par with Lenin and Marx.
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Bank of America recently cut 30,000 jobs, today they announced a new monthly $5 fee for debit cards. If corporations really are people they are making a lot of folks’ in-laws look pretty good.
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Bank of America once used the slogan “Bank of Opportunity.” Now they are thinking of changing it to “Because we can.”
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After Jon Huntssman said he had no plans to seek Trump’s endorsement, the Donald tweeted that Huntsman “has zero chance of getting the nomination. Whoever said I wanted to meet him? Time is money and I don’t waste mine.” Especially when Trump has more pressing priorities, like his hair.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bank of America jokes, Braves collapse jokes, playoffs jokes, Rays jokes, red sox collapse jokes, Red Sox jokes
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September 29, 2011
But first, want to wish all my Jewish friends “Happy New Year.” And want to wish my Red Sox and Braves fan friends “Happy Next Year.”
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Back to the silver lining – fans don’t have to stress about the Red Sox and Braves stumbling in the postseason again.
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And in Boston, at least the Patriots can rest easy. Their blowing a 21-0 lead in the fourth quarter last Sunday will now never be the most talked about sports collapse in town.
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Forget Eva, in Tampa Wednesday night heterosexual men would kiss EVAN Longoria
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Karma, especially where the big bucks are concerned, can be an impressive bitch. To that end, wonder if Carl Crawford is thinking “Maybe I should have considered that offer to stay with the Rays?”
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An Atlanta player who was queried about the Braves’ September collapse (9-19 and five losses in a row to end the season), mentioned their strong start, and said he wished the team could have just “flip-flopped the months.” Uh, I know a math degree is not required to play baseball, but if Atlanta did “flip-flop the months”, they’d have still ended up one game short.
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The Braves lost five in a row to end the season. Was this the worst week in Atlanta history not involving Sherman?
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After a momumental choke job by the Braves, the St. Louis Cardinals won the NL wild card. For SF fans, who now know that even a mediocre performance in August, or a good performance in September would have put the Giants into the playoffs, it just confirms “of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these, it might have been.”
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Sarah Palin referred to Herman Cain as “the flavor of the week.” Then she referred to him as “Herb Cain.” What’s next, she’s going to claim he’s really a San Franciscan?
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Jose Reyes got a bunt hit in his first at-bat at Citi Field to raise his average to .337, and was promptly pulled by Mets manager Terry Collins (apparently at Reyes’ own request) to preserve his lead for the batting crown. Ted Williams must be spinning in his freezer.
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But really, a bunt hit in a meaningless game against the Reds, and then taking the afternoon off? Shouldn’t this year’s highest batting average also have an asterisk?
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Redemption for hopeless optimists. Think of the tens of thousands of Rays fans who walked out of Tropicana Field tonight in disgust when their team was down 7-0.
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A seven run comeback starting in the eighth? Angry Red Sox fans want John Sayles to consider making a second movie about the Yankees collapse tonight – titled “Eight relief pitchers out.”
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Florida owner Jeffrey Loria introduced new manager Ozzie Guillen today and saying “Welcome to a new era in Marlins baseball.” Actually, since it’s Ozzie, wouldn’t it have been more appropriate if Loria said “Welcome to a new #%$!#ing era in Marlins baseball?”
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ESPN was nonstop coverage Wednesday of the Boston collapse and Tampa Bay win over New York. Almost no mention of the dramatic finish for the NL Wild Card. Gosh, you’d almost think there were no other teams in baseball except the Red Sox and Yankees.
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Michael Vick says it is “100 percent” that he’ll play this weekend against the SF 49ers. Well, at this point guess Vick doesn’t want to be accused of dogging it.
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David Stern is now threatening to cancel the whole NBA regular season. Promise? (And really, does that mean all the teams can just start by being in the playoffs? Most of them get in now anyway.)
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Florida now plans to move their presidential primary on January 31, 2012, which is upsetting GOP party leaders as it will wreak havok with their nominating calendar. Well, at least it’s a nice change to see Florida causing trouble for Republicans.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Atlanta jokes, Braves choke jokes, Braves jokes, Mets jokes, Ozzie Gullen jokes, Red Sox choke jokes, Red Sox jokes
Comments: 6 Comments
September 28, 2011
The Wild Card races will come down to the wire Wednesday. The question of the day, can the Braves and Red Sox unwind the wire from around their own throats?
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The SF Giants’ Conor Gillaspie’s first major league home run was an inside the park shot that included him falling down rounding third. Making it both an ESPN “Top 10” AND “Not Top 10” play.
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This next may only make sense to frustrated SF Giants fans (which may be redundant in 2011):
Brandon Belt got his first “Splash Hit” (A home run that clears the fence straight into the water) for the Giants Tuesday night at A T & T Park.) Guess that means manager Bruce Bochy will bench him for Wednesday’s finale.
And as my friend Daniel Silveira added “Well, they would have sent him back to Fresno for one more stint at AAA, but the season is over. So, the human yo-yo gets a break.”
(For those who haven’t watched the Giants much this year, a disturbing pattern was to give veterans chance after chance, while rookies not only were on short leashes, they were often benched or sent down even after good games.)
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An Emory University student from New York has been arrested and charged with taking the SAT exam for at least six students attending a top Long Island private high school. The student was alleged to have made between $1500-2000 per test. The most shocking part? No football or basketball players appear to be involved.
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Michael Vick claims he won’t be complaining about not getting calls from referees anymore. Translation, Vick just figured he might like to get a call go his way sometime in 2011.
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The Braves lost again Tuesday night to the Phillies. With the Cardinals win this now meansa a tie for the NL Wild Card. How bad has it been? This Braves team in late September has become the most unwatchable thing for Atlanta fans since Ted Turner used to make out with Jane Fonda in the owner’s box.
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The Dow roller coaster continues, with the market up over 300 points at one point on Tuesday. Meanwhile, the top headline story on Cnn.com all day? The opening arguments in the manslaughter trial of Michael Jackson’s doctor.
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Baylor QB Robert Giffin III now has has passed for more touchdowns (13) than incompletions (12.) Well, at least Peyton Manning in 2011 may also end up with no more incompletions than touchdowns.
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Lebron James is headlining a charity basketball game in Miami next month. And who knows better about charity than Lebron? In fact he’s going to play the whole game like it’s the fourth quarter.
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Southwest booted actress Leisha Hailey off a plane for kissing her girlfriend. Meanwhile, millions of men tried to figure out how to book themselves on the couple’s next flight.
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Andy Rooney, 92, said he will deliver his 1097th and final essay for “60 Minutes” this Sunday. Responded many Americans – “Andy Rooney’s still on ’60 Minutes?'” Responded Americans under 30 – “Who’s Andy Rooney?”
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College Republicans at Berkeley had an affirmative action bake sale where women and minorities paid a lower price than white men. So when is the follow up bake sale? Where minorites and women pay more, because parents and rich mens alumni groups subsidize prices for the white male students?
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This passes for a short quote from Joe Biden. Heck anything under a novella is a short quote from Joe Biden but I like it:
When asked on “the View” about the gay soldier being booed. “I did have a visceral response to it,” I’m not sure if it’s because my son spent a year in Iraq. And I know my sons and all the kids with them — kids, they’re grown men — I don’t think they give a damn whether the guy firing a rifle to protect them is gay or straight. I don’t think they care about that. Look this kid risked his life. This kid is there for them. And I, quite frankly, I thought it was reprehensible.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Atlanta Braves jokes, Berkeley bake sale, playoff jokes, SF Giants jokes, wild card jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
September 27, 2011
First announced promotions of 2012 for MLB. The Boston Red Sox and Atlanta Braves plan to offer their fans free lessons in the Heimlich maneuver.
Another possible giveaway deal next year at Fenway Park. Free Red Sox neckties to the first 20,000 adults. Pre-shrunk.
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How bad is the Red Sox collapse looking? Even Babe Ruth is watching from somewhere thinking “Dudes, don’t put this mess on me.”
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And for all those people thinking that extra wild cards would make the game more interesting, think about this. If MLB had two wild cards in each league, the Red Sox and Braves could have it on cruise control. (Of course, they have have done that regardless.)
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Rex Grossman’s fumble with 28 seconds left sealed the Redskins loss 18-16 Monday night against the Cowboys. On the other hand, for the first time in months, he did give Washingtonians a serious bipartisan target.
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My friend Lindol pointed out that the Winklevoss twins now have a gig as spokesmen for pistachios. Is this really wise? Does the pistachio industry really want to reinforce their image as expensive and overvalued nuts?
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Ozzie Guillen announced that tonight was his last game managing the White Sox. Not sure how the team took it, but Chicago beat writers who are always in search of good quotes are said to be inconsolable.
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Marlins manager Jack McKeon, 80, says he will retire again after the end of the season. He did say that maybe he will come back in a few years, to go after Connie Mack’s record of managing at the age of 87. McKeon especially hopes he has another chance to manage that “nice young man, Jamie Moyer.”
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Meanwhile, the Marlins are finally playing their last games in Sun Life stadium. Wednesday will be Fan Appreciation day.And the team will apparently have nice prizes for both of them.
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Sesame Street is planning to include science lessons in their upcoming season. Or as Rick Perry would call that “more liberal theories.”
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Tea Party Nation founder Judson Phillips has endorsed Newt Gingrich for President. Guess he figures who better to defend marriage than someone who’s had three of them.
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The power of incumbency. No one knows for sure if President Obama will be re-elected. But stranger things have happened. Today SF Giants manager Bruce Bochy announced the team planned to re-sign their hitting coach.
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Magazine subscription offer from Vanity Fair (no joke) $12 for 12 issues. Plus $3 shipping. Really.
Uh, isn’t the point of a subcription getting magazines mailed to you? Wonder what would happen if you offered to come pick each issue up?
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C.C. Sabathia is 19-8, with an ERA of 3.00. The SF Giants have three starters with lower ERA’s, and none with more than 13 wins. Lincecum, 2.74, 13-14, Vogelsong, 2.81, 13-7, and Cain, 2.88, and 12-11.
So yes, good pitching may beat good hitting. But good pitching is wasted with zero hitting.
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The Senate just reached a bipartisan agreement to end a dispute over disaster relief spending. Translation, sounds like they figured out that despite the best efforts of some to interpret God’s will, natural disasters this year have happened in both red and blue states.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Boston Red Sox jokes, Braves jokes, Congress jokes, Red Sox jokes, SF Giants jokes, wild card jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 26, 2011
“Pan Am”, set in 1963, is full of beautiful young women serving as flight attendants. For anyone who wants to see those young women almost 50 years later, I think many of them are still working on United’s Hawaii flights.
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Younger people watching “Pan Am” have to be questioning a few anachronisms. Some may wonder “what’s a girdle?” And still younger viewers may be wondering “How come they’re not collecting money for food?”
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Michael Vick is complaining that a Giants’ player hit him when he was down and defenceless. Uh, yeah, that would be bad. I mean, who’d even do that to an animal?
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For those SF fans who will really miss watching 2011’s low scoring Giants games, looks like the 49ers are ready to pick up the slack.
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Another thought while watching the 49ers-Bengals matchup? Would either of these teams be able to crack the AP top 25?
(My friend Alec Schubert says he’s not sure the Bengals could beat the University of Cincinnati Bearcats. He could be right.)
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New England blows a 21-0 lead and loses to the Bills, Boston is now only 1 game up on the Rays after barely splitting a doubleheader to the Yankees. Forget the Tea Party, the next thing dumped into Boston Harbor may be Patriots and Red Sox gear.
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Four interceptions for Tom Brady Sunday. The only way the day could have been more embarrassing is if another ex-girlfriend turned up pregnant.
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Even Fox News is slamming Rick Perry’s performance at the last debate. Who knew? Maybe we anointed George W. Bush with the title “Dumbest governor of Texas ever” a little too soon?
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A survey published today said that prices at U.S. gas pumps have dropped 12 cents over the past two weeks. Let’s see how the airlines translate that into hiking their fuel surcharge.
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Well, it’s early in the NFL season. But when Andrew Luck thought last year about returning to Stanford, and what that might mean for his NFL career, I don’t think that one potential option in his mind would have been understudying Peyton Manning.
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Texas A & M is now officially going to be an SEC member. Bernie Machen, SEC chair and University of Florida president, said: “The addition of Texas A&M University as the SEC’s 13th member gives our league a prestigious academic institution with a strong athletic tradition. What does that mean in SEC-speak – the Aggies can spell “prestigious?
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The inventor of Doritos, Arch West, 97, has died. Across the world, millions will temporarily extinguish their joints in his honor.
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Cal graduates can stop reading before the last item.
Great news that the two Berkeley hikers who were held prisoner by Iran are back in the U.S. But really, wouldn’t Stanford hikers have been smart enough not to hike along the Iran-Iraq border in the first place?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, Bengals jokes, hiker jokes, Janice Hough, Pan Am jokes, Patriots jokes, Red Sox jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
September 25, 2011
Well, it looks like nobody died or was hurt at least in NASA’s latest documentary – “Dude, where’s my satellite?”
Still no word on the final whereabouts of NASA’s dead satellite. But that thing fell to earth faster than Rick Perry’s poll numbers.
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Herman Cain won the Florida GOP presidential straw poll. Wonder if it was a butterfly ballot?
SNL opened up the season with a phantom GOP debate. But for sheer comedy value, they really have no chance of topping some moments in the real debates.
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Kristen Wiig’s Michele Bachmann isn’t quite up to Tina Fey’s Sarah Palin. But it’s good enough almost to hope the Minnesota congresswoman gets a bounce in the polls so Wiig can keep doing it.
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Ohio State started Braxton Miller, a true freshman, at QB against Colorado today. Makes a certain amount of sense. Since Miller wasn’t around last year, they know there’s no chance he sold any bowl memorabilia.
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Apparently Jesse James and Kat Von D have broken up, again. This item for all those who are tired of all the media coverage of highbrow celebrities like the Kardashians.
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Hilton Hotels is denying rumors that they charged the government $16 each for muffins at a breakfast meeting. The $16 included coffee or tea or soft drinks and a piece of fruit, (plus tip). So hey, give Hilton credit for one thing – making Starbucks look like a bargain.
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There is a rumor that MLB and the player’s union have agreed on expanded playoffs for 2013. Now, as a SF Giants fan that would have been fun this year, but seriously, watching the Red Sox and Cardinals about to back their way into the postseason, do we really need to add two more teams that don’t deserve to be in the playoffs?
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Regarding the alleged agreement on an expanded postseason – have to think there’s a clause that says – “we will have as many wild card teams as necessary to make sure both the Red Sox and Yankees end up in the playoffs.”
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The only good thing about tonight’s Giants-Dbacks game for SF fans? (Final score 15-2 Arizona.) It did tend to diminish that “Damn, the team just caught fire a little too late to make the playoffs” feeling
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As if the Marlins didn’t have a rough enough year, now it turns out they have lost their closer, Leo Nunez, because he was playing under an assumed name with fake documents. Apparently Nunez is really Juan Carlos Oviedo. Talk about your player to be named later.
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On a serious note – Former NFL Offensive Tackle Orlando Brown was found dead this week at the age of 40, presumably at this point from natural causes. If any profession other than playing in the NFL had anywhere near this rate of early death, think it would still be legal?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Rick Perry joke, satellite jokes, SNL jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 24, 2011
While Rick Perry looked like a rock star a few weeks ago, a series of gaffes and “unforced errors” in debates and on the campaign trail have made many potential GOP supporters stand back and reconsider. And somewhere, the late Molly Ivins, who once dubbed Perry “Governor Goodhair,” is laughing, loudly.
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At the University of Pennsylvania, students arrived for the first day of a class scheduled to start at 1:30 p.m. About an hour later, the class was officially cancelled as the students found out the professor had died five months ago. Penn is an Ivy League school. In the SEC, the entire football team would have rushed to sign up.
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Arnold Schwarzenegger has signed a contract to write his memoirs, which will be titled “Total Recall.” With the presumed subtitle “Selective Amnesia.”
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Hewlett-Packard’s stock has fallen to its lowest level in six years. Apparently investors are worried about the choice of Meg Whitman as CEO. Probably because her last business decision was to spend over $160 million to try to win a job no sane person would want in the first place.
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Oops. Authorities now say that the hunter attacked by a grizzly in a Montana forest was killed not by the bear, but by a gunshot fired by a companion trying to save him. Maybe it was a little too soon to return to hunting for Dick Cheney.
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Diana Nyad is going to try again to become the first person to swim from Cuba to Florida. Well, officially anyway. Why do I have a feeling that the real record holder is choosing to remain anonymous?
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NY Yankees GM Brian Cashman admitted this week that he pretended to be interested in Carl Crawford just to drive up the price for the Boston Red Sox to sign the free agent. If you love the Yankees this story will confirm their winning mentality, If you hate the Yankees this is one more reason to root for the Detroit Tigers to win the pennant.
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Kobe Bryant has been offered over $6 million to play for a team in Italy. The offer has to be tempting, Kobe did spend time as a child in Italy. And the country has great jewellers.
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The SF Giants’ season ended, fittingly, tonight with an out from Aubrey Huff. (Though a 4-3 grounder would have been more appropriate.) But really, this whole season has been a constant reliance on big money non-performing veterans at the expense of rookies….
From a woman’s point of view it’s been like listening to a friend defend a worthless boyfriend, because she’s spent so much money,time and energy on the relationship already, she’s SURE he will come around.
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Hockey joke from my friend Bill Littlejohn:
An Orange County mom is accused of having sex with as many as three youths on her son’s hockey team. Boy, talk about a hat trick.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: HP jokes, Meg Whitman jokes, Rick Perry jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
September 23, 2011
The Romney-Perry feud is growing. The subtitle of this GOP Primary may be “There ain’t enough hair gel in this town for the two of us.”
Two new polls apparently show former Utah Gov. Jon Huntsman climbing into double digits in New Hampshire. Is that double digits in percentage terms, or in absolute numbers of voters?
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Mitt Romney bashed Rick Perry tonight about allowing illegal immigrants to pay in-state tuition rates at the Texas universities. Many Texans agree with him – there’s no way such students should get such a break – unless they can run really fast while carrying (or chasing someone with) a football.
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The audience at tonight’s GOP debate in Orlando jeered loudly when a videotaped question from a gay soldier was asked about the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.” Wonder how many of those presumably straight people booing would volunteer to go to the Mideast to take the young man’s place?
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You cannot make this “stuff” up dept: Quote from Mitt Romney today “We ought to provide help to the people who have been hurt most by the Obama economy. And that’s the middle class, It’s not those at the very low end; it’s certainly not those at the very high end. It’s for the great middle class — the 80 to 90 percent of us in this country.” As Tonto said “Who’s ‘we’, white man?”
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Rough day for the market. Many stocks were falling faster than the Braves and Red Sox’s playoff hopes.
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This item sent in by “ifollowsports.com’s Jon Rapoport: Carlos Beltran, overheard leaving the Giants team hotel in Los Angeles to meet with his agent Scott Boras “We’re meeting to figure out which team we will rob.”
Beltran’s joke would be funnier if it weren’t true. But that would presumably let the Giants out, because they have learned from their contract disaster with Zito. So besides Barry, they really aren’t on the hook to any aging, useless players. Well, except Aaron Rowand ($14 million) and Aubrey Huff ($11 million.) Okay, never mind.
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This week many Americans changed their relationship status with Facebook to “It’s complicated.”
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Manny Ramirez was told he cannot play winter ball in the Dominican Republic because he is on MLB’s inactive list for his most recent suspension. So Manny told ESPNdeportes that he will formally request reinstatement. Which means he is un-retiring and says he will be available for any MLB team. “Atta boy,” said Brett Favre. (Or after the pregnancy hormone test, “Atta girl?”)
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Meg Whitman has been named the latest CEO at HP. Counting interim CEO Cathie Lesjak, she will be the fourth CEO in a little over a year. Well, it’s tough, but Meg may have found a more dysfunctional operation to head than the state of California.
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The NFL fined Chargers DT Antonio Garay $15,000 for his below-the-knee hit on QB Tom Brady last Sunday. $15,000?! To potentially knock a star player out for the season? Cheap at the price. If the NFL really wants to stop this they should suspend dirty hitters for as long as the player they hit ends up on the disabled list.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: GOP debate jokes, Manny Ramirez jokes, Rick Perry jokes, Romney jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
September 22, 2011
Okay, the NFL season is officially in full swing: Jerome Simpson and Anthony Collins, are under investigation by law enforcement officials, after a package with about 2.5 pounds of pot was delivered and signed for at Simpson’s residence. And of course Simpson and Collins are teammates, on the Cincinnati Bengals.
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NFL sent a memo to all teams warning of fines, suspensions and more if players fake injuries during a game. “Are you trying to destroy the sport?” asked FIFA?
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Some would say the relatively close wild card races in Major League Baseball are a reason to expand the playoffs? Really? Watching the Red Sox and Rays alternate choking this week makes me think neither of these teams deserves to be in the playoffs as it is.
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Photosensitive epilepsy sufferers can have seizures triggered by “flashing lights or rapidly changing or alternating images.” How long until Facebook starts posting warning disclaimers?
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From Bill Littlejohn: “Oklahoma University has given Bob Stoops a seven-year extension worth $34.7 million. And the really good news is that it doesn’t count against the team’s salary cap”
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Another month, another Palin book, this time a memoir from Bristol Palin’s ”baby daddy” Levi Johnston. Not surprisingly, he disagrees with much of what Palin herself wrote. And clearly Johnston is not ready to relinquish the limelight. It’s a shame Bristol and Levi couldn’t work it out, the two of them certainly seem to deserve each other.
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According to a recent poll, 72 percent of Republicans and Republican-leaning independents do not want Sarah Palin to run for president. Funny, that’s about the same precentage of Democrats who do want her to run.
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The two UC Berkeley hikers, Josh Fattal and Shane Bauer, who were arrested while hiking and accused of espionage, were finally freed by Iran. Which is good news. But I have to keep wondering….all the places in the world to hike, maybe they could have chosen a trail that wasn’t near the border of a country that barely has relations with the U.S?
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“Clayton Kershaw established himself as a candidate for the NL CY Young award with his 20th win last night while he lowered his ERA to 2.27. But should his 2011 record have an asterisk? Five of those wins (and five earned runs allowed in 42 innings) were against the Giants.
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Okay, all these people complaining about facts like “The top 10% of earners in this country pay 70 % of the taxes, leave out facts like “The top 1% of earners make more than the bottom 50% combined.” It’s like saying “The Yankees pay the highest luxury tax in MLB, we should cut it to be fairer to them.”
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Facebook has become like the Chicago weather. Don’t like it, no problem. Wait five minutes and it will change.
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Facebook changed their site in a major way AGAIN last night. (And, alas, “improved” the UK English version this morning to eliminate that solution.) Who do they think they are? Netflix?
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Actual serious note at the end here below for a change:
In some situations I am a pro-death penalty Democrat. Troy Davis didn’t seem like one of those situations, though admittedly I only know what I have read recently. But in any case, if his execution happened during a GOP presidential debate there would probably be cheers from the audience. And that makes me sad.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: facebook jokes, football jokes, Levi Johnston book jokes, Palin jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
September 21, 2011
Facebook came up with more “progress” today, thereby to many users’ minds, messing up a site they had just figured out how to cope with from the last “progress.”
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What’s with these engineers and all this spare time? Can’t they spent their time playing “Angry Birds” or something? (And leave the site along for a few days.)
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One way to get rid of the new Facebook page format (not a joke), is to switch your language preference to U.K English, and then it goes back to the most recent format.
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But U.K. English? Aside from swapping “ER” to “RE” and adding “U”s to colour, labour, etc, what other changes will this bring. Have to wonder if my baseball updates will suddenly become about cricket. And I don’t even want to think about football jokes.
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Many American users are now happy with the U.K English format. Although some of them are experiencing a disconcerting urge not to want to brush their teeth.
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Sometimes there is a nice symmetry in the universe: DADT repealed on the same day as the 2011 premiere of Glee.
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The Red Sox are clinging to a two game wild card lead. Normally this much potential embarrassment in Massachusetts requires one of the state’s politicians to run for President.
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Manny Ramirez now says he hopes to play for a winter league team in his Caribbean homeland. Maybe he’s heard the Dominican Republic has really good pre-natal care.
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Red Sox lose again, 7-5 after an eighth inning comeback by the mighty Baltimore Orioles? Has the entire Boston lineup signed up for an October vacation in Hawaii and not told anybody?
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Executives at the online site Full Tilt Poker have been charged stealing more than $440 million in a Ponzi scheme. $440 million?! If convicted these guys should be so lucky in prison to draw cellmates in prison who are “inside straight.”
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Charlie Sheen is apparently close to settling his lawsuit with Warner TV and is rumored to be receiving $25 million. Not a bad payoff for a guy who called his old boss, amongst other things, a “clown,” “charlatan” and a “turd.”
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It will now cost $12 – up from $8 – to use a bridge or tunnel to enter New York City from New Jersey. Guess the NY Port Authority figures people will pay anything to get out of New Jersey.
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The newly-christened Pac 12 announced tonight that they intend to remain a 12-team conference, thus for now closing off talk of an expansion that would have included Texas and Oklahoma. Wonder what happened? Does the Pac-12 have unreasonable requirements for student-athletes? Like classes? Or a salary cap?
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Dancing With the Stars had their premiere last night. Casual fans who don’t follow the news might be forgiven for asking -“So who’s the transgender contestant – Chaz Bono or Nancy Grace?”
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S.C. Gov. Nikki Haley now admitted that she had no evidence backing her claim that 1/2 of job applicants at a local nuclear reservation flunked a drug test. (The DOE said the number was less than 1 %, and of hires, not applicants.) Haley said “I’ve never felt like I had to back up what people tell me. You assume that you’re given good information.” Wow, sounds like she’s ready to run for president.
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And R.I.P. Dolores Hope, Bob’s widow, who passed away at the age of 102. As Marc Ragovin said “Only slightly older than her husband’s jokes.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Chaz Bono jokes, facebook jokes, Full Tilt Poker jokes, Nancy Grace jokes, Red Sox jokes, UK English Facebook
Comments: 5 Comments
September 20, 2011
In honor of the repeal of “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” at today at midnight, two quotes from a noted commie-pinko liberal: “Everyone knows that gays have served honorably in the military since at least the time of Julius Caesar.” And “You don’t have to be straight to be in the military; you just have to be able to shoot straight.” (Yep, Barry Goldwater.)
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Mariano Rivera got his 602th save today – in front of 40,045, the smallest crowd of the year at Yankee Stadium. Wonder if that’s because of President Obama’s proposed tax hikes on millionaires – maybe a lot of New Yorkers figured they couldn’t afford seats anymore.
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Darn shame for San Francisco Giants fans that in their longshot quest for a playoff spot the team isn’t chasing the Red Sox.
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This Netflix price hike is looking like the smartest business decision since “New Coke.”
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An 21 year old man in Lincoln, Nebraska somehow got drunk enough to mistake a police station for a casino. He wandered in and asked for blackjack chips. When a staffer sent him away, the man returned a few minutes later and asked again. (.273, in case you wondered.) So the cops threw him in a detox cell.
Talk about double or nothing. Even Mel Gibson is thinking “How drunk do you have to be to act that stupid?”
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Signs of Autumn: Falling leaves, falling Red Sox, falling Braves……
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49ers coach Jim Harbaugh may be regretting his decision not to accept a Dallas penalty that would have erased a field goal but given the team the chance to build up their lead with a potential touchdown. (The Niners would have had first and 10 at the Cowboys 22.) Have to wonder, would Harbaugh’s decision have been different if he were coaching against Pete Carroll?
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The ACC, now home to Pitt and Syracuse, has a reputation of being one of the better conferences academically. And for a starter example, they’re smart enough not to put a number like 10 or 12 or 8 in their title that has to be changed all the time.
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Michele Bachmann is still defending her comments about the danger of the HPV vaccine, saying on CNN tonight “I wasn’t speaking as a doctor. I wasn’t speaking as a scientist…” Amazed she didn’t add: “But I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express once.”
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There are rumors that Bachmann’s campaign may not last that much longer. Which is bad news on the jobs front – for comedy writers.
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President Obama said today – “It’s not class warfare, it’s math.” Wonder how long it will take for Rick Perry to respond “Math is a theory.”
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But okay, closing with a commie-pinko thought. I get that many millionaires want to hold onto every penny they can. But it is truly amazing to me that the GOP so has many lower and middle class folks screaming class warfare when THEY are the class currently getting scr*wed.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, It's not class warfare it's math jokes, Netflix jokes, Red Sox jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
September 19, 2011
Ohio State fell out of the top 25 in the AP college football rankings for the first time since 2004. Of course, with the NCAA investigation the Buckeyes had probably already fallen out of the top 25 as far as player pay scale.
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The Boston Red Sox, losers of 11 of their last 14, are now only two games up in the Wild Card race over Tampa Bay. If the Sox hang on, they might become the first MLB team to make the playoffs without showing up for most of April and September.
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Cam Newton threw for over 400 yards in each of his first two NFL games. When asked how he seemed so relaxed, Cam allegedly responded “I just pretended I was facing SEC investigators..”
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Michael Vick suffered a neck injury and left the Eagles-Falcons game Sunday in the third quarter. Wonder if any Atlanta editor was tempted to use the headline “Dog-gone?”
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Jane Lynch, who hosted the Emmys, is unabashedly out of the closet, but doesn’t seem to be the target of much conservative criticism. Is it that America’s actually getting less homophobic? Or are would-be critics just afraid of her?
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Alec Baldwin asked that his short skit be totally cut from the Emmys show when Fox nixed a joke about Rupert Murdoch and News Corp.’s phone-hacking scandal. Fox’s response was that the network had been carefully considering the decision since they heard Baldwin discussing the line on the phone last week.
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Congratulations to Mariano Rivera who notched his record-tying 601st save yesterday for the Yankees. While Rivera is unquestionably a good closer, there has been some luck involved – if he played for the Royals or Pirates, Mariano might not have had 601 potential wins to save.
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Dominique Strauss-Kahn said he is innocent of any “violence or aggression” regarding his tryst with the maid in New York, but acknowledged a “moral weakness.”
I wouldn’t go THAT far, responded Bill Clinton.
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Some claim it would take a miracle for President Obama to be re-elected. But really, is that any more unlikely than this? The Washington Redskins and Rex Grossman, 2 and 0.
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Texas Gov. Rick Perry is taking some flack for having billed state taxpayers $294,000 for his travel security. But in Perry’s defense, at least half of that was to keep his hair in place.
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Lindsey Graham claims that President Obama’s plan to have a minimum tax on millionaires is “class warfare.” Not that it’s likely to happen but some part of me would love to hear Obama respond “Maybe, but so was storming the Bastille.”
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Wonder if the New York Yankees will be the first sports team to oppose Obama’s tax hike on millionaires. Not that the team is worried about their players, but the Yankees are concerned the hike will affect their entire season ticket base.
Although that’s probably an overstatement. Even most people who make over $1 million a year can’t afford Yankees season tickets.
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Republicans are already denouncing President Obama’s minimum tax for millionaires as “Class Warfare.” Well, if true, this might be the first type of warfare the GOP doesn’t support.
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Congrats to Kyle Chandler. “Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose.” And if you’ve never heard that phrase before, watch “Friday Night Lights” on DVD. One of those rare television shows that never felt like you were putting your brain (or heart) on hold to watch.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: class warfare jokes, Emmys jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Perry jokes, Vick jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
September 18, 2011
Ohio State and Miami played Saturday in a matchup of college football powerhouses facing probation or worse due to NCAA investigations. (Inelig-Bowl is not my original phrase, but it’s an apt one.)
Miami won handily, 24-6, which brings up a paraphrase of an old rhetorical question – “If two teams play in a forest and none of it ends up counting, do we still care?”
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Tommy Lasorda gave a pep talk to the UCLA Bruins before their football game with Texas today. Sounds like the talk was about as successful as any Tommy may have made this year to the Dodgers.
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So the longest winning streak in college football belongs to…. Stanford? Yep, with 11 wins. And more impressively, all the Cardinal starters can count to 11.
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The latest college football program to have their integrity challenged – Oregon. The school has received formal notice of the NCAA investigation into their use of recruiting services. But amazingly with all these investigations, only USC so far has received a postseason ban. Of course, the NCAA is in a quandry. If they ban all the serious violators, there won’t be enough teams left to fill all the bowls.
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Ron Paul won the Republican California Straw Poll. Unfortunately for Paul, California is about as relevant to the GOP nationally as he is.
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Not to say Michele Bachmann looked awkward and uncomfortable on the Tonight Show, but in all seriousness she made last week’s guest Dick Cheney look relaxed and charming.
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You think your favorite player had a bad day – Kevin Prince of UCLA threw three interceptions in the first quarter against Texas. (In fact, he threw seven passes, three completed to his own team, three to Texas, and one incomplete.) Who does he think he is? Brett Favre?
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Did SF Giants GM Brian Sabean overpay for Miguel Tejada, Aaron Rowand and Aubrey Huff this year? Absolutely. But it could be worse. Much worse. Adam Dunn, with a $12 million salary, hit an interesting 2011 milestone last night for the Chicago White Sox – his strikeout total of 161 now matches his batting average of .161
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The current scandal in Italy is whether Premier Silvio Berlusconi may have flown prostitutes on Italian government planes. Not that this is something to brag about, but on the other hand, unlike politicians who also fly on government planes, prostitutes generally do provide value for money.
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A new study reported in the NY Times indicates that failure, and learning to overcome it, may be a secret to success. If so, some of the most successful people in the world must be Cubs fans.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: college football jokes, Janice Hough, NCAA jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 17, 2011
As we approach the weekend it is perhaps time to mark a momentous (and possibly very brief) occasion in the state of Michigan – for the first time in perhaps recorded memory, the Detroit Tigers, Lions and the UM Wolverines are all in first place.
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U.S. stocks rose again Friday which meant the market is on a 5-day winning streak for the first time in more than two months. Out of habit the GOP presidential candidates blamed it on Obama.
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Whole Foods is introducing a new “Wellness Club” , with “lifestyle evaluation,” nutrition tips, classes and some discounts. The idea is to help shoppers “make educated and positive lifestyle choices that promote their long-term health and well being.” For $540 a year.
Note, the chain doesn’t talk about promoting financial well being, which would mean “Shop at a cheaper store.”
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Michele Bachmann made a brief appearance at a Marin county home today but was in and out of the Bay Area very quickly. Makes sense, Michele is anti-vaccine and she sure didn’t want to get “cooties.”
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Michele Bachmann, 55, appeared on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno Friday and talked about her opposition to Rick Perry’s requiring girls in Texas to have the HPV vaccine. She said it was less about the shot than the “abuse of executive power.” Fair enough, anyone who looks closely at Bachmann’s forehead knows that neither she nor Nancy Pelosi has any fear of needles.
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Many Americans who are only casually following the GOP presidential race might wonder “Who’s Ron Paul?” But the candidate just got an ringing endorsement from singer Barry Manilow. Said most Americans under 40 “Who’s Barry Manilow?”
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Tareq and Michaele Salahi, whose 15 minutes of fame comes from gatecrashing a White House party, have filed for divorce. Apparently Michaele is hanging out these days with Journey guitarist Neal Schon. The whole story proves wrong those Americans who said “I couldn’t care less,” about the latest Kardashian wedding.
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New York Mets manager Terry Collins said today his team has “folded it up.” Which means he only noticed this about three months after the rest of us.
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But yikes, Friday night NY beat Atlanta in the 12-2 at Turner Field. If the Mets have folded it up what does that make the Braves – origami?
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U.S. stocks rose again Friday which meant the market is on a 5-day winning streak for the first time in more than two months. Out of habit the GOP presidential candidates blamed it on Obama.
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Pat Boone spoke before the California GOP convention tonight. Makes sense, as the Republican party has become increasingly anti-evolution, it’s important for them to provide evidence that humans have co-existed with dinosaurs.
Dick Cheney is hard at work on the media circuit promoting his new book. And despite the rough year the President has had, Barack Obama at least can take comfort in knowing this sort of thing is one embarrassment he’ll be spared in the future. Because no one expects Joe Biden to be able to edit his thoughts down to one volume.
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TSA has fired or suspended 28 Honolulu airport employees after an internal investigation found the weren’t been screening checked bags for explosives. Yeah, but they got ALL those passengers who attempted to carry on four-ounce tubes of sunscreen.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Detroit jokes, election jokes, GOP jokes, Janice Hough, Michele Bachmann jokes, Obama jokes, TSA jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
September 16, 2011
Detroit Tigers’ players may not be that unhappy over the end of their 12 game winning streak tonight against the Oakland A’s.
Tigers manager Jim Leyland had said he was wearing the same underwear during the team’s 12 game win streak and didn’t plan to wash or change it until they lost. This might explain the team’s recent great pitching during the streak. No one wanted a visit on the mound.
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Meanwhile the Red Sox are 3-11 in September. Not to say fans are officially panicking. But if this keeps up they may start referring to Fenway Park as Boston’s “Friendly confines.”
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The Pirates have clinched their 19th straight losing season. But that’s okay with folks in Pittsburgh since the Steelers have gotten off to another great start….. Oops, never mind.
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Mitt Romney said today that Dick Cheney “is the kind of person” he’d like to have as running mate. Translation, he doesn’t want to do the work of governing any more than George W. did?
Either that or Romney wants to make sure he has the best hair on the ticket.
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The latest leaked picture scandal involves Scarlett Johansson, with candid photos appearing to show her naked appearing online. Apparently the FBI lottery to be assigned to the case closed yesterday due to too many applicants.
As my friend Pat M. says – “More federal employees hard at work.”
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Pat Robertson said that a spouse having Alzheimer’s is justification for divorce. Newt Gingrich said Robertson’s comments were “a good start.”
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University of Michigan supporters helped save the life of a 68 year old Notre Dame fan who had a heart attack during last weekend’s game in Ann Arbor. Doctors said he survived in part due to one man who performed CPR and others who called for medics. The fans downplayed their heroism and added “Hey, it’s not like he was from Ohio State.”
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Congratulations to Pablo Sandoval, who tonight hit for the cycle (a single, double, triple and home run in one game) against the Rockies. In 2011, it’s hard to remember many games where the Giants as a team hit for the cycle. Heck, sometimes it’s hard to remember games where SF got four hits.
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USA Today reports that analysts say Joe McGinniss’s new book “The Rogue’ negative book may not hurt Sarah Palin. Well, yeah, it’s not like many of her supporters actually read.
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Palin is reportedly particularly incensed. Sarah feels strongly that if there are going to be books containing lies about her, she wants to write them.
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The latest college football rumored move is Florida State considering the SEC. Apparently according to ESPN the school’s football fans have always wanted such a move, but the faculty favors being in the ACC because of the league’s academic reputation. Responded the football crowd – “what’s an ‘academic’ reputation?”
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A new poll shows the GOP split down the middle on those between those who do and don’t consider themselves Tea Party members. And the party is deeply divided on many of the issues. Who do they think they are? Democrats.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Detroit Tigers jokes, Michigan jokes, Romney jokes, Sarah Palin jokes, Scarlett Johannson jokes
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Left Coast Sports Babe 