Posted tagged ‘Rays jokes’

No it’s not a dream…..

September 30, 2011

It’s Friday morning. And Generalissimo Francisco Franco, the Atlanta Braves, and the Boston Red Sox are still dead.

Boston Red Sox GM Theo Epstein allegedly called SF Giants management this morning – “Nothing personal guys, but we think it’s time for you to hand over that ‘Torture’ slogan.”

All the sports talk now is about the Boston Red Sox historic collapse last night. To which the Atlanta Braves commented “Who are we, flattened chopped liver?” (Or as my friend Michael Duca says “Chopped Tomahawks.)

Rumor has it Curt Schilling wanted to go on air to defend his former Red Sox teammates. But with the mood in Boston this morning, apparently the team’s official response was “Oh, put a bloody sock in it”

What a shock. LSU’s Jordan Jefferson had his battery charges stemming from a bar fight reduced to a misdemeanor. (Jefferson was only accused of kicking another man repeatedly while he was down on the ground.) And LSU coach Les Miles lifted his star QB’s suspension.

Prediction, the trial date will be set for January, after Jefferson leads the team to a BCS bowl.

And so, Friday is the first day of the MLB playoffs. The Tigers’ Justin Verlander faces the Yankees at 837p EST on TBS. And for your pregame entertainment, TBS will also be showing the Rangers-Rays at 507p.

Many are wondering if it was God’s will that the Rays and Cardinals ended up in the playoffs. And God has allegedly replied “Don’t pin this on me, I’m still trying to replace Peyton Manning on my fantasy football teams.”

True bus to hell joke from my friend Marc Ragovin: Boston hasn’t seen so much choking since Albert DeSalvo. (Note to anyone under 40 who likes really sick jokes and is thinking “What?”, Google the name.)

Congrats to the Golden State Warriors have hired Rick Welts, the first openly gay basketball executive, as their team president. To paraphrase Barry Goldwater’s statement about the military, it apparently now doesn’t matter if you’re gay or straight, if you can put together a team that can shoot straight.

SEC commissioner Mike Slive has asked the BCS to lift the rule saying that a maximum of two teams from a single conference can play in the five major bowl games. Why doesn’t Slive say what he really wants – for the BCS to say “It’s the SEC’s world, we just live in it.”

A quote from the master: Jon Stewart last night arguing taxes with Bill O’Reilly. “I’m not saying we should shoot (the rich) but we shouldn’t act like returning to the tax rates of the Nineties is class warfare on par with Lenin and Marx.

Bank of America recently cut 30,000 jobs, today they announced a new monthly $5 fee for debit cards. If corporations really are people they are making a lot of folks’ in-laws look pretty good.

Bank of America once used the slogan “Bank of Opportunity.” Now they are thinking of changing it to “Because we can.”

After Jon Huntssman said he had no plans to seek Trump’s endorsement, the Donald tweeted that Huntsman “has zero chance of getting the nomination. Whoever said I wanted to meet him? Time is money and I don’t waste mine.” Especially when Trump has more pressing priorities, like his hair.


Slow starts.

April 7, 2011

Not to say that they’re panicking in Boston yet.  But the Globe is considering putting Red Sox box scores in the obituary section.

According to the San Francisco Chronicle, Ann Coulter is coming to the city this August for a fundraiser for a Young Republicans group. Makes sense, San Francisco has always been hospitable to female impersonators.

The Tampa Bay Rays are now 0-5. In four of those losses, the team had exactly one run and four hits. In fact, the Rays are having such a hard time scoring they got a sympathy card from the Butler Bulldogs.


Manny Ramirez says of being booed already by Rays fans “It’s all good. I liked it.” If that’s true Manny is going to have a very happy year in Tampa Bay.

Congress is considering a law, sponsored by Utah Republican Jason Chaffetz,that would make it tougher for small wineries to sell by mail to out-of-state clients. So GOP proponents who want government out of our lives are now making an exception for our wine cellars as well as our bedrooms.

For anyone who watched the NCAA men’s basketball tournament and thought. “the quality of play really sucks”, here’s a scary stat. There are 60 players on NBA rosters with college eligibility remaining. (And that doesn’t count D-leagues, teams in Europe, or kids who have already washed out after leaving school early.)

Marc Ragovin said it was “the ugliest final since Snooki took calculus.”

For fans of bad basketball, along with anyone who hasn’t gotten over VCU being included in the NCAA tournament, I give you – the Indiana Pacers. 35-43, and close to clinching a playoff spot.

Not saying Tiger Woods isn’t really ready for the Masters Championship.  But last weekend he was seen practicing with the Butler Bulldogs.

One of Bristol Palin’s entourage says that $262,500 she made just as a teen-pregnancy education ambassador for the Candies Foundation is “not out of the ordinary for a celebrity.” Fair enough, but just what qualifies Bristol as a celebrity other than her role in a real life version of “Knocked Up?”

The new Pac 12 (the Pac 10 plus Utah and Colorado), is looking to sign a television contract for $220 million. Can’t imagine how these student-athletes get the idea it’s all about the money.

If we DO have a government shutdown, let’s sure hope we don’t have any earthquakes while it happens. Just for the record, USGS employees would not only be furloughed, they would be forbidden from working without pay during a shutdown. Or even from talking to the media. But we could never have a major quake here in the U.S., right?