Author Archive
February 16, 2015
SNL’s first ever episode from 1975 last night. Of course anyone old enough to have seen the original probably is too old to stay up for it.
Oregon has the nation’s first bi-sexual governor. As opposed to all the governors over the years who would just buy sex.
–
As we approach spring training, some wonder how Alex Rodriguez will be received by the fans this year. Fortunately A-Rod can always count on the support of his biggest fan, the man in the mirror.
The Oscar Mayer Wienermobile was damaged in a crash this weekend in Pennsylvania. Hope the driver wasn’t hot-dogging it.
It may not always have been funny. And sometimes you watch and wonder if any part of a given night be funny. But it’s not just that SNL has lasted for 40 years. But that almost every American adult can almost instantly rattle off their 5, 10, 20 or more favorite sketches.
–
#Bassomatic. SNL reminds us once again that there was actually a drink that sounded worse than a kale smoothie. #SNL40
Who knew #MileyCyrus could perform with all her clothes on? #SNL40
Why oh why couldn’t #SNL40 have had one or more people storm the stage to interrupt #KanyeWest tonight?
—
Louis Jourdan, Gaston in Gigi, has died at the age of 93. One of my all-time favorite movies. Even if these days Gaston might have been arrested as a sex offender because Gigi was underage.
–
As we approach spring training, some wonder how Alex Rodriguez will be received by the fans this year. Fortunately A-Rod can always count on the support of his biggest fan, the man in the mirror.
–
The Oscar Mayer Wienermobile was damaged in a crash this weekend in Pennsylvania. Hope the driver wasn’t hot-dogging it.
–
Oregon State’s men’s basketball team had their Alaska Airlines flight home from Los Angeles delayed yesterday after a scorpion stung a woman onboard. Wonder who was the first to say “I’ve had it with these motherf***ing scorpions on this motherf***king plane.”
–
In Vegas, the Chicago Cubs are only 6 to 1 to win the pennant and 10 to 1 to win the World Series. “And you think I have problems with reality?” asks Brian Williams.
–
Kim Kardashian has apparently told friends she feels neglected by the media because they are all focused on her stepfather/stepmother Bruce Jenner. “I feel so sorry for her” said absolutely, positively nobody.
–
Shifty story for the day. In Concord, CA, a would-be carjacker forced a man out of his car this morning at gunpoint, but couldn’t drive off because he didn’t know how to operate a manual transmission. (And most of my younger FB friends are probably thinking, what’s a manual transmission?)
–
7 people were injured and 5 were taken to a hospital when a United flight from Newark to Honolulu experienced turbulence. It could have been worse. At least they’re not back in New Jersey.
–
Kim Kardashian has apparently told friends she feels neglected by the media because they are all focused on her stepfather/stepmother Bruce Jenner. “I feel so sorry for her” said absolutely, positively nobody.
–
Over an $81 million box office gross for “Fifty Shades of Grey” so far. Right, because how many men are on Valentine’s weekend are going to tell their wives/girlfriends -“Oh, a flimsy romantic story that’s really more like soft-core porn, nah, I’ll pass.”.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: A-Rod jokes, baseball jokes, Cubs jokeses, Janice Hough, Kanye West jokes, Kardashian jokes, New Jersey jokes, Saturday Night Live jokes, SNL jokes, SNL40 jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
February 14, 2015
The NY Yankees apparently have told Alex Rodriguez he could use Yankee Stadium as a location to make a public apology. What, along the lines of “Today I consider myself the scuzziest man in America.”?
–
Apparently some people are more upset than usual that they didn’t win the Powerball lottery. Because one of three winners was from Puerto Rico – – and you know, damn foreigners…. No joke. #cantfixstupid
–
So cold in New York All-Star game weekend that the players won’t even be able to hit the streets looking for their future baby-mamas.
–
Jeb Bush, when asked Friday about the Iraq and Afghanistan wars his brother started – “I won’t talk about the past.” Does Jeb want to be President, or Mark McGwire?
–
Major League Baseball is thinking of shrinking the strike zone to attract younger fans. Of course, maybe if the sport REALLY wanted younger fans maybe they would have not scheduled all the World Series games for the past several years to start after 830p Eastern time and finish around midnight.#pastbedtimes
I know the San Francisco Bay Area is experiencing near record high temperatures while the Midwest and East Coast freeze. But the SF Chronicle running an online article today about the best outdoor bars in town is probably adding insult to injury.
–
In Fresno, an 8-yr-old girl is recovering after being shot by her 10-yr-old sister with a handgun that their father had left on a bed in their home. Dad’s job? He’s a county sheriff’s deputy. #howdoyoustopastupidgoodguywithagun?
–
#ValentinesDay is a tough day for many people. On the other hand it’s followed by #HalfPriceCandy day!
Bad news for Dodgers fans, the 2015 season may still be in a TV blackout. Worse news for Lakers fans. The rest of their 2015 season won’t be.
–
Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker was asked in London whether he believes in the theory of evolution, and responded. “I’m going to punt on that one…. That’s a question a politician shouldn’t be involved in one way or the other.” Evolution is a “question”? We’ve had stupid in politics for a while, but when did it become a virtue?
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: A-Rod jokes, Boston jokes, Bush jokes, Janice Hough, NBA All-Star game jokes, Powerball jokes, weather jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
February 13, 2015
Ruth Bader Ginsburg said she dozed off during the President’s SOTU because she “was not 100% sober.” Cool. So even Supreme Court members play that drinking game!
–
Unluckiest men on #Fridaythe13th?. Those who have forgotten #ValentinesDay is #Saturdaythe14th
–
With Boston snowed in for the foreseeable future, and another storm on the way, have to wonder. Is this going to result in an increase in Massachusetts birth rates, or murders? Or both?
–
A poll shows that for the first time, a majority of New Jersey voters view Chris Christie unfavorably. So does that mean the Governor is starting to look presidential?
NHL commissioner Gary Bettman, who is against legalized sports betting. “Do you want people at football and basketball games rooting for the spread or rooting for their favorite team?” Spoken like a man who hasn’t been to very many football and basketball games.
–
Ray Rice sent an apology letter to Baltimore Ravens fans: “To all the kids who looked up to me, I’m truly sorry for letting you down, but I hope it’s helped you learn that one bad decision can turn your dream into a nightmare. There is no excuse for domestic violence.” Who knows if Rice will play in the NFL again though. Now had he only been involved in a murder, instead….
–
Miami has been picked to host the 2017 MLB All-Star Game. They had been scheduled to host in 2000, but were stripped of the game after their 1997 World Series win and fire sale. So if the Marlins win in 2015 and then repeat the dismantling has baseball threatened to strip them again?
All this scare mongering about illegal immigrants who might be bringing diseases into the U.S. Wonder how long it will take for the rest of the world, including Europe, to start tightening entry rules for American tourists, since they have no way of knowing which of us are unvaccinated.
–
Oregon Gov. John Kitzhaber has resigned. Saying he has become “a liability to his state.” Well, if that were the criteria there’d be a lot of empty governor’s mansions.
–
A few years ago who had John Daly making more cuts so far in 2015 than Tiger Woods?
–
Singapore Airlines said yesterday it will reduce its fuel surcharges later this month. U.S. Airlines are thinking of doing the same, as soon as they can figure out new fees to offset the reduction.
–
Okay, really? The The Philadelphia Eagles issued a statement saying they are not responsible for Riley Cooper being the featured player for February in the team’s official 2015 calendar. Cooper was seen on video in 2013 using racial slurs at a concert. And February is Black History Month. #canwealllightenup? (no racial slur intended.)
From Bill Littletjohn. “Riley Cooper was the featured player for the Eagles’ Black History Month. Isn’t that like featuring the Patriots’ ball boy in an ad for Big O Tires?”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: airlines jokes, Boston jokes, Janice Hough, ray rice jokes, riley cooper, ruth bader ginsberg, Valentine's Day jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
February 13, 2015
Reviews of “50 Shades of Grey” aren’t great. But in New York, anyone wanting to see some real torture can always buy Knicks tickets.
–
So the reason the Chicago Little League team had to forfeit their U.S. championship is that they had gerrymandered the borders of where players needed to live. Idiots. That’s no way to win in baseball. It, is, however, a good way to get elected to Congress.
–
Jimmy Buffett, 68, is touring again. Only now he doesn’t need margaritas to forget where he put that shaker of salt.
NBC now says they are investigating Brian Williams’ claims that he was a witness to the fall of the Berlin Wall and met Pope John Paul II in 1979. Not sure if Williams will ever get his anchor job back, but he may well be on the short list to star in a Forrest Gump remake.
–
Gatorade is bringing the 1991 “Be Like Mike” jingle for an ad during the NBA All-Star Game. Which will be great for long-time sports fans. Have to wonder if the younger generation’s response will be “Who’s Mike?”
–
An ESPN poll of 500 college coaches found almost 60% would like to change the men’s basketball shot clock changing from the current 35 seconds to 30 seconds. Well, makes sense, with all these one-and-dones, it’s tough to expect all these kids to be able to count that high.
–
The NYPD confirmed today that the driver of the livery cab who crashed and killed “60 Minutes” reporter Bob Simon had two traffic convictions and his license had been suspended at least 6 times. And some people are worried about UberX drivers?
From T.C. “Tiger Woods is leaving the PGA Tour until he gets his game back together. Johnny Manziel says, “you can do that?”
and T.C. and I with a combined joke: “The Atlanta Falcons have pleaded guilty to pumping in fake crowd noise during their home games. Wonder what this means for the NY Jets’ plans to pump in a fake laugh track?”
–
Well, this should dispel all rumors that Jeb Bush is too old and out of touch to run for president. He posted all his personal emails from when he was governor. Except that apparently some of those emails had the names, birthdates and Social Security numbers of about 12,000 people. #cantfixstupid
–
Rush Limbaugh has decided that Jon Stewart is leaving the “The Daily Show” is that the Democratic Party’s future is so grim and “Stewart has blamed everything gone wrong on the Republicans. After 16 years, what is there left for (him) to blame on the Republicans?”
Okay, it’s an opinion. But does this also mean that after 2016 Limbaugh is sure there won’t be another Republican in the White House to blame things on…?
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 50 shades of grey jokes, Brian Williams jokes, chicago little league jokes, Janice Hough, jimmy buffet jokes, Jon Stewart jokes, torture jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
February 12, 2015
Kanye West told Ryan Seacrest that “voices in my head” told him to go on stage at the Grammys and rant against Beck. How come these “voices’ in people’s heads never tell them to sit down and shut up?
–
Ice is being trucked into Levi’s Stadium for an outdoor NHL game between the San Jose Sharks and LA Kings, Feb 21. So for one night the place will be almost as cold as the last meeting between Jim Harbaugh and Jed York.
–
Jerry Tarkanian, 84, has passed away. Out of habit the NCAA has launched an investigation.
–
In France, “Fifty Shades Of Grey” has been given the second lowest age rating, so children 12 and up will be able to see the film in theaters. In related news, millions of American kids have suddenly asked their parents about a family spring break in Paris.
–
U.S. Little League champions Jackie Robinson West have been stripped of their wins for cheating. Alas, looks like these kids (or at least their parents and coaches) are indeed ready for the big leagues.
–
Oregon’s governor John Kitzhaber is facing calls for his resignation over him using his fiancee as an advisor, and paying her $118,000. And in Illinois and Louisiana they’re sniffing “Amateurs!”
–
A young woman who was hired at a Texas pizza restaurant tweeted out “Ew I start this **** *** job tomorrow.” When another employee saw it, he told the owner who tweeted back “And….no you don’t start that ** job today! I just fired you! Good luck with your no money, no job life!” Ah for the good old days when to be that foolishly indiscreet you had to have someone actually overhear your complaining. #cantfixstupid
–
NBA analyst Greg Anthony has a plea deal where his soliciting prostitution charge will be dropped in exchange for 32 hours of community service and stays out of trouble for four months.” Four months. Hmm. Might be good news for escort services working the NBA finals.
–
Montana State Rep David Moore today introduced a bill to expand the state’s indecent exposure rule to include both male and female nipple exposure, and “any device, costume, or covering that gives the appearance of or simulates the genitals, pubic hair, anus region, or pubic hair region.” Moore added “Yoga pants should be illegal in public anyway.” Just guessing this is a man who never wants to take his family on vacation to Florida.
–
Picked up a little pot of tulips. Small stick with care instructions in the soil. Ending with “For decoration only. Do not consume.” And they assume anyone dumb enough to eat tulips is smart enough to read instructions? #cantfixstupid
–
Three “contestants” from Juan Pablo Galavis’s 2013 stint on “The Bachelor” have gotten engaged or married since the show was over. Well, the “reality” show probably did perform those women a service. After time with Juan Pablo, most other men look pretty good by comparison.
–
The Costa Concordia captain was sentenced today to 16 years. Only 6 months for each life that was lost. But some satisfaction for victims’ families at least in knowing he will be “pushed into” a cell.
From Chaunce Ball. “Have to admire Bruce Jenner’s timing. He waited to start the transition until he was too old to go through menopause.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, Costa Concordia jokes, Fifty shades jokes, Janice Hough, Kanye West jokes, Levis stadium jokes, Montana jokes, yoga pants jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
February 10, 2015
Say it ain’t so, Jon. Jon Stewart announced today that he is stepping down as host of The Daily Show. Has he decided that yes, indeed, these days there really is no satire?
–
And this after Stewart may have the best comment on this whole Brian Williams mess: “Finally, someone is being held to account for misleading America about the Iraq war.”
–
NBC suspended Brian Williams for 6 months, saying his lies had “jeopardized” the network’s credibility. Wait, NBC had credibility?
On a brighter note for NBC, the NBC Nightly News had its largest total viewership in four weeks. Maybe other networks will start trying to dig up dirt on their own anchors?
Richie Incognito has agreed to a deal with the Buffalo Bills. Wait, I thought Rex Ryan said “we’re going to build a bully,” not sign one.
–
ESPN reported that of Gregg Popovich’s 1,000 wins, 921 have been with Tim Duncan. To put that bromance in perspective, 921 is more wins than the Miami Heat have EVER in their history. (805 as of today.)
As a result of a lawsuit filed against him by his daughter, a New Orleans judge ruled that Saints & Pelicans owner Tom Benson, 87, will be required to undergo a psychiatric evaluation to determine mental competency. Now, clearly Benson is old. But if mental competency was required for an NFL or NBA owner, there would be a lot of vacant chairs at those owner’s meetings.
–
Security researcher Mark Burnett this week posted a database containing 10 million usernames and passwords. So were at least 9 million of them 123456789?
–
Alex Rodriguez, 39, reportedly told Barry Bonds “l want to take your (home run) record..” Not exactly sure he could get over 100 more home runs without a supplement made from flying pigs, but A-Rod might be one of the few active sluggers who could make Bonds look lovable by comparison.
Today in a meeting at Yankee Stadium, A-Rod apparently apologized to the team for his PED suspension. So did he just read from a copy of the same apology speech he gave in 2009? (“It was very loose. I was young. I was stupid. I was naive. And I wanted to prove to everyone that I was worth being one of the greatest players of all time. I did take a banned substance. And for that, I am very sorry and deeply regretful.”)
–
Marilyn Hartman, 63, was arrested repeatedly at SFO for trying to sneak onto planes, and at LAX after flying from San Jose without a ticket. Now she’s been arrested in Florida after flying ticket-free from Minneapolis to Jacksonville, where she checked in under another guest’s name. Kind of makes you feel real warm and fuzzy about TSA, doesn’t it.
–
Ethan Czahor, founder of “Hipster.com“, and the new chief technology officer for Jeb Bush’s PAC, “resigned” tonight, after removing “inappropriate” tweets from his personal account.
Those tweets, dating from 2009-10, included a number of racist and homophobic jokes, along with others that referred to women as sluts. But maybe the real recent Bush let him go? That Czahor, who is YOUNG enough to know better, didn’t know enough not to post this sort of stuff in the first place.
And for that matter, doesn’t Jeb have anyone on his staff who knows how to use Google on potential new hires?”
–
Iowa’s Joni Ernst, who calls herself the Senate’s first female “combat veteran”, is defending herself after it’s been pointed out she was a National Guard Company commander for 13 months. But her unit was never attacked nor in a firefight. Well cut her some slack, maybe Ernst’s real dream job isn’t in Washington, but in network news.
–
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: A-Rod jokes, Bonds jokes, Brian Williams jokes, Janice Hough, jeb bush jokes, Jon Stewart jokes, NBC jokes, Popovich jokes, Rex Ryan jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
February 9, 2015
As we approach the premiere of “Fifty Shades of Gray,” expect all sorts of potentially embarrassing moments at the theater. For #1 may I suggest, bringing a date and running into your parents.
–
Michelle Obama says that the former White House chef banned boxed macaroni and cheese and told them “cheese dust is not food.” Stand by for a rebuttal from John Boehner and the orange lobby.
Open note to any young person thinking of a career in television news. Maybe us grownups might have been able to get away with a tall tale or two. But these days it doesn’t matter how trivial the lie, even if it’s not bothering to wash your hands in a public restroom.. Someone will have seen it, and they probably have cellphone video.
–
At the University of Texas, a frat house is facing criticism for an alleged “border patrol” party last weekend near campus. Really? They couldn’t have just done something classier like “Pimps and prostitutes?”
–
Alabama today became the 37th state to allow same-sex marriage. In some ways am amazed more conservatives aren’t applauded. Not only is it less government intrusion into private lives, same-sex couples mean less dealing with that abortion issue.
–
Three major snowstorms in Boston in three weeks. Is this the moment where a house-hunting Pablo Sandoval looks at his agent and says “Uh, why didn’t you tell me about this?” #70inSFthisweek
–
So a guy pays a prostitute $70, then falls asleep afterwards and she steals his gun from the hotel room. Florida? Nope, Reno, Nevada. And the man in question is a policeman. Who has now been suspended. Sometimes its not just crooks who are stupid.
–
Brett Favre posted today on his website: “I’m pleased to announce that I will be returning to Green Bay, Wisconsin in 2015 for induction into the Green Bay Packers Hall of Fame and retirement of my jersey.” How much do we want the Packers to issue their own statement “Uh, Brett, we’re thinking we might want to hold the ceremony in 2016, or 2017. Can you hold on while we decide?”
–
Yahoo mail has been running an ad lately. “Girlfriend needed. No games, Just real guys looking for a faithful women (sic.)” Gotcha, so nothing about the guy being faithful. And clearly a woman who isn’t too picky about grammar.
–
NBA Commissioner Adam Silver said today that Knicks owner Jamesm Dolan won’t be fined for an angry email in response to a fan, saying “Jim is a consummate New Yorker. Jim got an unkind email and responded with an unkind email.” So this mean Silver can still fine owners from places like Charlotte and New Orleans because Southerners are supposed to be more gracious?
–
The Daily Mail is reporting that Charles Manson’s fiancée “only wanted to marry him so she could put his corpse on display in a glass coffin after he died.” Who knew it was possible Charlie might get a run for his money on being the creepiest one in a relationship?
–
Parenthood isn’t what it used to be. From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg:
“Me: Ann Caroline, come down here and listen to AC/DC on the GRAMMYs.
AC: Dad, I’m doing my homework.
Me: YOU STOP THAT HOMEWORK AND COME AND LISTEN TO “HIGHWAY TO HELL,” YOUNG LADY.
What has happened to my world?”
–
Wow, just wow. Not sure what I could possibly add to this. FOX’s Eric Bolling, upset about Obama’s prayer breakfast speech: “Reports say radical Muslim jihadists killed thousands of people in the past few months alone. And yet when you take Christianity, Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, whatever, their combined killings in the name of religion––well, that would be zero.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, 50 Shades jokes, 50 Shades of Gray jokes, Boston jokes, Brian Williams jokes, Janice Hough, Manson jokes, NBA jokes, storm jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
February 9, 2015
The Grammys were tonight. For many of us a chance to really feel old. As not in “I don’t like that music” but “who is that anyway”?
–
Confused though. Were the #GRAMMYs honoring #SamSmith tonight, or #TomPetty?
Apparently climbers in the Andes say have found the wreck of a LAN Chile plane that disappeared in April, 1961 with 34 people on board. Stay tuned for the CNN special on what this may mean about the disappearance of MH 370.
–
The NBA has fined Clippers point guard Chris Paul $25,000 for his comments about referee Lauren Holtkamp. Sounds like one commissioner at least remembers that his sport has female fans.
–
Random sidelight to this Chris Paul comments controversy, it’s worth nothing that having a female assistant coach, Becky Hammon, doesn’t seem to have hurt the Spurs too much this year. #girlpower
–
The Powerball jackpot is up to $450 million. And alas in America more people probably think they’re going to win it than think they have a chance of getting sick without being vaccinated.
–
It just gets worse for Brian Williams, today, the embattled NBC anchor was alleged to have referred to the NY Knicks as a professional basketball team
Brian Williams has backed out of a scheduled appearance on David Letterman Thursday. Okay, friends and readers, shall we start a “Top Ten Reasons Why?”
–
Dean Smith, 83, has passed away. He wasn’t the father of the shot clock. But he created the need for one.
–
At Dean Smith’s funeral, will programs be passed slowly around the church for an hour before the ceremony starts?
–
Left-handed pitcher, Sarah Hudek, who throws in the mid 80s, just signed a letter of intent for a scholarship at Louisiana’s Bossier Parish Community College. Good luck to the young woman, and hey, she’s already 20 mph or so ahead of Barry Zito.
–
Bill Cosby had scheduled shows in Boston tonight. After the rape allegations became public, the theater originally offered upset ticket holders who called their money back, but later announced no further refunds would be given. Now with the latest storm, the shows have been cancelled. Game, set and match to Mother Nature.
–
NASA has released a video of the far side of the moon. Is it set to a Pink Floyd soundtrack?
As if we needed proof, again, that being a star athlete has nothing to do with intelligence, common sense, or even at times decency…. Chipper Jones apologized for tweeting Friday “So the FBI comes out and confirms that Sandy Hook was a hoax! Where’s the outrage? What else are we being lied to about? Waco? JFK? Pfff…”
Jones apologized yesterday, said he was “irresponsible,” but had “heard something from someone which I thought to be credible and tweeted w/out researching.” Notes to Chipper. 1. Use the internet. 2. Use your head. 3. Drop that “someone” as a source. #cantfixstupid
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Blake Griffin jokes, Brian William jokes, Chris Paul jokes, Dean Smith jokes, grammy jokes, Janice Hough, Powerball jokes, Sam Smith jokes, Tom Petty jokes, vaccine jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
February 7, 2015
Note to Brian Williams. Forrest Gump was a fantasy movie, not a mission statement.
Now that #BrianWilliams has stepped down most the trusted newscaster in America might well be #JonStewart
A serious thought about Brian Williams, as Dr. Gregory House once said, “Everybody lies.” And most parents have a version of the “walking to school three miles in the snow, uphill both ways” story for their kids. But when your entire career is based on trustworthiness, thinking he should have stepped down maybe less for the lie, than his stupidity in thinking that he was always going to get away with it.
–
Bruce Jenner was involved in a multi-vehicle accident in Southern California. And of course it would be inappropriate for anyone to make women driver jokes.
–
Browns QB Brian Hoyer said today that the NFL’s investigation of text-messages from the Cleveland front office could affect his thinking if he becomes a free agent. Well, or at least it sounds classier than saying “I don’t want to work for any team that thought it was a good idea to draft Johnny Train Wreck.”
–
A GOP congressman from Maine is being criticized by many conservatives for his vote this week against a proposal to repeal Obamacare. But Bruce Poliquin says that while he is against the ACA, he thinks a replacement plan should be ready first, and besides, the House has already voted against it many times. “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.”
Is this guy trying to be drummed out of the Republican party for excessive common sense?
–
Chevrolet has decided that per Tom Brady’s wishes, they will give the truck he won as Super Bowl MVP directly to Malcolm Butler instead. The only thing, instead of Brady, the rookie will now have to pay the income taxes on the $35,000 the company says the Chevy Colorado is worth. You’d think they would have at least tried to underinflate the truck’s value.
–
San Francisco Archbishop Salvatore Cordileone wants to put morals clauses in Catholic school teacher contracts, whereby they could be punished or dismissed for (his quote) “escorting a woman into an abortion clinic, handing out contraception to students, or for being a member of a white supremacist group.” Right, because whatever your beliefs, those three things are SO equivalent.
–
But hey, pedophilia? Crickets. Everything that is not forbidden…
–
A Florida woman just gave birth to a 14 pound baby boy. FSU immediately offered the child a football scholarship.
Increasingly the #Knicks at Madison Square Garden are less a road game for most #NBA teams than an expense paid vacation to New York
–
New commissioner Rob Manfred says MLB will start awarding the All-Star games by a Super Bowl-type bidding process. And the Yankees and Dodgers are thinking, “Great, can we just doing the World Series the same way?”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: baseball jokes, Brian Williams jokes, Bruce Jenner jokes, Catholic jokes, GOP jokes, Janice Hough, MLB jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
February 7, 2015
After a disappointing season, the Tennessee Titans released OT Michael Oher. Hope he wasn’t blindsided by the news.
–
Aaron Hernandez’s lawyer in his murder trial was jokingly asked a state police trooper if he had “training in football deflation devices.” Sounds like the former Patriot actually found a lawyer as dumb as he is.
The NFL fined 4 players from $8268 to $10,000 for their roles in the brawl at the end of the Super Bowl. Good to see the league has its priorities in order. Hitting people is almost as bad as wearing the wrong brand of clothing.
–
–
NY Yankees officials says they have now agreed to a sit-down meeting with A-Rod. Ah yes, an early sign that spring is approaching. The circus is coming to town.
–
For all those who think they might be the most insane baseball fans they know, San Francisco has finally gotten their first storm of 2015. Serious rain and wind. But some hardcore folks are already camping outside AT&T Park for tomorrow morning’s SF Giants “FanFest.”
Open note to Chris Paul, who has always seemed like an enlightened and decent guy, and I am sure didn’t meant to start a firestorm by criticizing one of the two NBA’s female refs: (“We try to get the ball out fast every time down the court, and when we did that, she said, ‘Uh-uh.’ I said, ‘Why, uh-uh?’ And she gave me a tech. That’s ridiculous. If that’s the case, this might not be for her.” )
It’s time for a simple statement, “I was criticizing an official because I didn’t like the calls. I thought and think they were wrong. It had NOTHING to do with her gender. I fully support the NBA’s hiring of female officials. Now let’s move on.”
In Northern California television news stations have put their drought stories on hold for a few days to be replaced by “Stormwatch.”
–
Occasional disclaimer. If you’ve found my blog because of the sports jokes, I do jokes about both sports and politics. And I realize that half the country won’t agree with my views. Though I like to consider myself a moderate, and try to pick on both sides, even if I pick on one side more than others…. (more material) In any case, if you don’t like the political jokes, please feel free to ignore. Or comment. Even criticize n comments.. Just please keep it civil.
–
Former Miss. GOP state Sen Tim Johnson announced yesterday he is switching parties. “Why join the Democratic Party and run for lieutenant governor? I’ll tell you: We are all Mississippians first. Elected officials should be in the business of helping all Mississippians, not picking out who to hurt.
“The Republican Party leaders’ actions against supporting Medicaid expansion and threatening our local hospitals was the final, deciding factor for me.”
This is Mississippi, folks. Will Johnson’s campaign mascot be a flying pig?.
–
Note to GOP men: On the subject of rape, STFU.
–
Horrible indeed. After being made to watch his friends burned alive, he recanted his religion in writing. When he later felt ashamed, and publicly denied the conversion, he was himself publicly burned alive, but put his right hand, which had written the recantation, first into the flame, saying, “this hand has offended.”
Another Mideast horror story? Nope, Archbishop Thomas Cranmer. And these burnings all done by order of Queen Mary 1 of England, 1555-56
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Aaron Hernandez jokes, GOP jokes, Janice Hough, Mississippi jokes, NFL jokes, NY Yankees jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
February 5, 2015
Maybe we should cut Brian Williams some slack. After all, he still may be dealing with PTSD from his near drowning as a young man on the Titanic.
–
Anyone but me want to see #LanceArmstrong vs. #BrianWilliams in a rousing game of Liar’s Dice?
–
Putting their names to paper on signing day is a big deal for top high school football recruits. For many of them it is the only time in their college careers they will actually have to write.
–
Kyle Kendrick just signed a $5.5 million contract with the Rockies. Last year he had a 10-13 record with a 4.61 ERA with the Phillies. Well, guess Colorado figures Kendrick will perform better in a pitcher’s park?
–
Tiger Woods has withdrawn from the PGA Tour’s Farmers Insurance Open, leaving midway through the first round with a back injury. So over at ESPN, they no longer have to worry this weekend about covering golf.
–
Sarah Palin has apparently accepted an invitation to appear on “Saturday Night Live”‘s 40th anniversary special Feb 16.. Well, kudos to Sarah for being a good sport. But wonder if she or SNL are trying harder to prove they are still relevant?
–
So many critics of Obamacare worried about government involvement in healthcare resulting in serious privacy breaches. This Anthem story is probably not what they mean when they said the private sector could do it better.
–
In Seattle, a medical marijuana dispensary has opened a vending machine. Wonder if buyer can get their Doritos from the same machine?
–
Radio Shack has filed for bankruptcy and said they will sell stores. Many Americans under 40 are thinking “What’s Radio Shack?” Still younger Americans are thinking “What’s a Radio?”
–
So court papers say Conrad Hilton Jr. did not call British Airways flight attendants “f***ing peasants.” That’s what he called the other passengers. But he did accuse the attendants of “taking the peasants’ side” and bragged that he was already banned by other airlines. Well, whatever happens in the trial I think this young man can add another airline to that list.
–
During a House Rules Committee argument Monday, Congressman Alcee Hastings referred to Texas as a “crazy state.” Well, Hastings should know. He’s from Florida.
New MLB commissioner Rob Manfred says that reinstating Pete Rose is a “conversation I’m willing to have.” This after Bud Selig had said Pete would only get back into a big-league ballpark “over my dead body.” So does this mean Selig has some terminal illness?
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: anthem jokes, Brian Williams jokes, Janice Hough, Palin jokes, Radio Shack jokes, signing day jokes, Tiger Woods jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
February 4, 2015
Wow. NBC News anchor Brian Williams admitted today that his 2003 story of being shot down in a military helicopter down by enemy fire in Iraq was false, but “I don’t know what screwed up in my mind that caused me to conflate one aircraft with another… I feel terrible about making this mistake.” “Conflate one aircraft with another?” I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat” better.
–
Conrad Hilton Jr, 20, appeared in court and was ordered to surrender his passport during a court appearance over a meltdown on a flight from London to LA last year which including him calling flight attendants ‘f***ing peasants.” Who knew that big sister Paris would turn out to be the class of that family.’
–
So on the highways in the greater Seattle area, will all “No passing lanes” be renamed in honor of Pete Carroll?”
–
So the Super Bowl was only a few days ago, and already we’ve had 3 current NFL players arrested. Letroy Guion, D’Qwell Jackson, and Joseph Randle. Looking good for all those who bet the “over” in Vegas.
–
Indanapolis Colts LB D’Qwell Jackson has been arrested and charged with assault for hitting a pizza deliveryman over an argument about a parking space. Isn’t it time for the NFL to welcome their new sponsor, Uber?
–
In the “cheer up, things could be worse” airline division, I give you China’s Spring Airlines, which is trying to get approval for selling discount tickets to passengers willing to stand. No joke.
–
Yasiel Puig just said that the Los Angeles Dodgers real rivals are not the SF Giants, but the St. Louis Cardinals. That ought to make Puig even more popular when the Dodgers visit AT&T Park in April.
–
From Alex Kaseberg. “The Chicago Cubs’ renovation of Wrigley Field has caused a huge neighborhood rat infestation. The good news? They’re Cubs rats, so they’ll be gone by October.”
–
Because of a case involving an HIV-positive man who didn’t disclose his condition to his partner, the Florida Supreme Court will now consider the definition of “sexual intercourse.” Though presumably they turned down a request to testify on the subject from Bill Clinton.
Anthem, the second largest health insurer in the US, said today its database has been hacked, potentially exposing personal information about 80 million customers. Anthem said that the breach exposed “names, birthdays, social security numbers, street AND email addresses, plus employment information, including income data,” But no credit card information was exposed. Well, okay, as long as the hackers didn’t get anything important. #facepalm
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: anthem jokes, baseball jokes, Brian Williams jokes, Conrad Hilton jokes, Janice Hough, NFL arrest jokes, Pete Carroll jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
February 3, 2015
Class, nothing but class. Police in Aspen cited Lance Armstrong for failing to report an accident and speeding last month, after he allegedly hit two parked cars after a party, and got his girlfriend to say she was driving to avoid “a national story.” #Liestrong
–
You have to wonder how Armstrong thought he would get away with it. Although if this story really starts going viral, Lance may start getting bouquets, from Pete Carroll and the Seahawks.
–
Hear that Pete Carroll was supposed to throw out the first pitch at a Mariners game. But fans are asking Seattle management if Marshawn Lynch can just run the ball in instead.
–
Tom Brady says he plans to give the Chevy Colorado he won as Super Bowl MVP to Malcolm Butler. A nice gesture. Though before Butler drives the truck he might want to check the pressure in the tires.
–
From Marc Ragovin. Who hears Pete Carroll will be starring in a new movie – “The Wrongest Yard.”
–
A truck carrying frozen chicken collided with a truck carrying bees near Palm Springs Tuesday and both vehicles caught fire. Both drivers escaped, but beware of imminent sales featuring heavily discounted honey barbequed chicken.
–
Sen. Thom Tillis (R-NC), arguing against “regulatory burdens,” this week said that restaurants should be able to “opt out” of health department regulations that require employees to wash their hands after using the bathroom. Well, so much for dinner parties at HIS house
To be fair, the Senator did say they should then post a sign saying they didn’t have the rule and then the marketplace would take care of it. Okay, then, do we need a government regulation to REQUIRE such restaurants to put up a sign?
–
Rep. John Boehner: “I do believe all children ought to be vaccinated.” Some in the GOP are worried. Next thing the Speaker of the House will do is make some heretical statement about believing in science.
Some blame the measles outbreak on undocumented immigrants. Considering that this all started from Disneyland, and a single day at the park is $400 for a family of four before parking and food (closer to $600 if you also visit California Adventure), I’m thinking the odds of the child in question being from a wealthy anti-vaccine family are more than slightly higher.
–
Rand Paul, “I have heard of many tragic cases of walking, talking normal children who wound up with profound mental disorders after vaccines.” Does this explain some of his colleagues?
–
Charlie Manson’s marriage license with his 26 year old girlfriend has apparently expired. So guess what. psycho ladies? He’s available.
–
Browns WR Josh Gordon, who allegedly tested positive for alcohol while on probation, has been suspended for a year by the NFL. Rumor has it he was partying with Manziel. This presumably is not what Cleveland had in mind when Johnny Football said he would “wreck this league.:
–
From Bill Littlejohn: “Johnny Manziel has checked into rehab—this just in:three local Las Vegas casino workers unions have filed for bankruptcy.”
–
Timing is everything…. A Royal Caribbean ship made headlines today for cutting a cruise short because over 200 people became sick with norovirus, which causes nausea and diarrhea. And just got this in my email from the cruise line “Last minute deals, going, going, gone…”
Yes, “an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.” But I don’t have a problem with Jordan’s revenge today. They were far more merciful than ISIS.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #liestrong, Brady jokes, Butler jokes, Janice Hough, Lance Armstrong jokes, Manziel jokes, measles jokes, Pete Carroll, vaccine jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
February 2, 2015
No word on when Spring is coming in Seattle. Punxsutawney Phil is still cowering in his burrow with a headache.
–
No doubt some Seahawks players and fans feel God let them down Sunday. But to paraphrase an old joke, if God cared at all He/She is probably saying. “Look, I gave you 2 Brady interceptions, 1 miracle catch, and three downs to win it with the best running back in the NFL, what more did you want?”
–
Seahawks offensive coordinator Darrell Bevells said they threw on 2nd and goal because “We were conscious of how much time was on the clock and we wanted to use it all.” Uh, except if the pass had been caught for a TD Seattle would have given Brady the ball back with 20 something seconds left. #baddecisionANDbadmath
–
So for all those who wondered how the NFL would grab headlines after the Super Bowl, congrats to all who had “Johnny Manziel entering rehab” in the pool.
–
Former NFL star Warren Sapp was fired by the NFL Network after he was arrested for soliciting prostitution and two counts of misdemeanor assault after the Super Bowl. Two women who were also cited allegedly told police an argument started over money. When will they ever learn? ALWAYS pay your mistresses and your hookers. #cantfixstupid
–
So, I’m dating myself, but can’t help thinking that that the best headline for this week’s storm would be “Linus blankets Northeast.”
From Marc Ragovin: “Is Pete Carroll’s Internet alias “Clueless in Seattle?”
–
Sammy Fong says “See, this is what happens when you legalize marijuana in your state!”
–
A Texas elementary school suspended a 9-year-old boy for making “terroristic threats” after he told a classmate he could make him disappear with a magic ring like the one in the Hobbit movie. Silly boy. It’s Texas. If he had just threatened the classmate with a gun he’d have gotten off with a warning.
–
–
You can get odds on Tiger Woods winning this week’s Farmers Insurance Open at 50-1 in Las Vegas. And it’s still probably a bad bet.
–
The Baltimore Ravens released DT Terrence Cody today after he was indicted on 15 charges, including two felony counts of aggravated animal cruelty, after his dog died. (The charges also included illegally owning an alligator.) Not sure exactly what happened, but with the league’s heightened awareness after Michael Vick, seems like anyone risking these charges with animals should be cut for stupidity if nothing else.
–
A 3-year-old boy shot his both his father and pregnant mother in an Albuquerque, NM hotel room this weekend. His parents will survive, his mother is still in the hospital. If only the fetus had been armed..
–
Way too young, former MLB player Dave Bergman has passed away at 61. Hope someone is warning players in heaven’s softball league about that hidden ball trick.
–
Chris Christie today was asked about the measles outbreak, and said, while he and his wife vaccinated their kids, “I also understand that parents need to have some measure of choice in things as well. So that’s the balance that the government has to decide.” Yep, the NJ govenor is not only running for President, he’s jockeying hard for the “stupid” vote.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Christie jokes, Groundhog Day jokes, Janice Hough, Linus jokes, Marshawn Lynch jokes, NFL jokes, Pete Carroll jokes, Super Bowl Jokes, Texas jokes, Tiger Woods jokes
Comments: 8 Comments
February 1, 2015
What a waste of Immaculate Reception 2.
God to the #Seahawks. Don’t blame me. Even I #cantfixstupid #SuperBowl
–
Who needs inflated balls when you have Pete Carroll’s inflated ego? #Worst2ndandgoalcallever #SuperBowl
–
Russell Wilson said after the NFC Championship that God caused him to throw four interceptions. Did God tell him to suck in most of the first half of the Super Bowl too?
Robert Kraft thanking almost everyone for the Patriots #SuperBowl win, but he forgets to thank Pete Carroll for that goal line passing call.
–
Of course, just imagine how far out front #Patriots would have won by if they were in charge of their own balls? #SuperBowl
–
Seahawks DE Cliff Avril left Super Bowl after hit on the head and due to concussion protocol will not be able to address the media after the game. Next year, Marshawn Lynch is trying to figure out how often he can claim last second concussions.
–
How much did #KatyPerry pay #HotDogonastick to borrow one of their uniforms for her #SuperBowlHalftimeShow? –
But really, “I kissed a girl and I liked it” from #katyperry during the #SuperBowl #HalftimeShow? . No doubt #FoxNews is already blaming Obama.
–
Just as well folks who paid over $10,000-20,000 for Super Bowl tickets can’t see the commercials. They can no longer afford the cars.
–
Hard to believe that after tonight we’ll be done with Super Bowl hype. The NFL draft hype starts in Monday morning.
.
Stanford fans have to thank Pete Carroll for flashbacks of watching a coach lose a game by not using his best player: Jim Harbaugh throwing repeatedly instead of running Gerhart late in Big Game against Cal, David Shaw not letting Andrew Luck throw for a game winning TD in the Fiesta Bowl….. #inflatedegos
–
So to put the end of the Super Bowl in context for baseball fans. Pete Carroll not giving the ball to Marshawn Lynch with 2nd and goal at the one and the game on the line was roughly analogous to Matt Williams pulling Jordan Zimmerman one out away from a complete game NLDS game 2 win. IMHO.
–
–
Meanwhile Mike Huckabee said that changing stance against gay marriage would be like ‘asking someone who’s Jewish to start serving bacon-wrapped shrimp in their deli.” Right, pork and shrimp together….. Apparently Huckabee has never been in a Chinese restaurant on Christmas.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, interception jokes, Janice Hough, Marshawn Lynch jokes, Patriots jokes, Pete Carroll jokes, Seahawks jokes, Super Bowl humor, Super Bowl Jokes
Comments: 10 Comments
January 31, 2015
Okay, is it too late to put a prop bet that the Super Bowl MVP’s first utterance to the media will be “I’ve gotten a measles vaccination and I’m going to Disneyland?”
–
And it’s so hard to keep up with all this pre-Super Bowl stuff. Do we know how much the NFL has fined Marshawn Lynch today?
–
Aaron Hernandez, formerly a Patriots star until his arrest in 2013 for murder, will not be able to watch the Super Bowl in jail. “I feel so sorry for him,” said nobody.
Richard Sherman’s pregnant girlfriend told him not to skip the Super Bowl if she goes into labor the day of the game. Makes sense, what woman wants to be going through the delivery process with a guy who is yelling louder than she is?
–
Not sure who’ll be “going to Disneyland” after tomorrow’s Super Bowl,” but if it’s a member of the Patriots Disney is ordering extra guards to make sure nobody lets the air out of those Mickey Mouse balloons.
–
Sacramento police arrested an 8th grade girl for distributing home-made pot brownies to her classmates. Not sure what will happen to her in the legal system but the girl was voted “Most likely to open a restaurant in Colorado.”
–
More snow is expected by Monday on the East Coast. Which means forget about Punxsutawney Phil seeing his shadow or not. With enough snow no one will be able to see Punxsutawney Phil.
–
Sports bettors lost a record amount in 2014 in Vegas. Wonder how many of those losses were people betting on teams from New York?
–
As we are about the halfway point in the endless NBA season, who had the top two teams by record being the Atlanta Hawks and the Golden State Warriors? Now all you liars put your hands down.
–
People magazine is reporting that Bruce Jenner is “transitioning into life as a woman.” In related news for people who have been watching the former Olympic star, water is wet.
Carl Djerassi, 91, the Stanford chemist who developed the birth control pill, has died. As far as tributes, wonder how many millions of people are thankful they didn’t have kids to name after him?
–
Although re Djerassi, isn’t “Father of the Birth Control Pill” an oxymoron?
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: delflate-gate jokes, Disney jokes, Janice Hough, Marshawn Lynch jokes, Patriots jokes, Richard Sherman jokes, Super Bowl humor, Super Bowl Jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
January 30, 2015
Go figure. All of these people paying thousands of dollars for Super Bowl tickets. And they don’t even get to see the commercials.
–
Another thought about all those $10,000 Super Bowl tickets. Maybe most of us think we’d never pay that, but since most of those are written off as corporate expenditures for taxes we’re all chipping in a little bit. Because government will just get the money from somewhere else.
–
Oops., a police impersonator in Virginia turned on a spotlight in his Crown Victoria and pulled over another car. Except that the driver of that car then identified himself as an off-duty cop. The wannabe officer is now seeing the inside of a real police station and jail as he is being held without bond.
–
NFL Players Association Pres. Eric Winston apologized today for “inappropriately and flippantly” saying to a reporter: “Hey, even the worst bartender at spring break does pretty well. Think about it, a 2-yr old could [be NFL commissioner] and still make money.” Hmm, was he really apologizing to Roger Goodell, or to 2 yr-olds?
—
Richard Sherman’s girlfriend is expecting their first child within the next week, and if she goes into labor, Pete Carroll said his cornerback can miss the Super Bowl for the birth if he wants: “It’s about family first and we will support his decision.” And Bill Belichick would no doubt say, “Hey, why doesn’t Sherman be supportive and take the day off to be with her, just in case.”
–
For anyone thinking of using an unmanned drone to get a glimpse of the Super Bowl, the FAA has banned them on Sunday afternoon within 10 miles of the stadium, and operators can be jailed or fined. Of course, this doesn’t say anything about potential Patriots drones trying to get a glimpse of Seahawks’ practices.
–
Roger Goodell says the NFL is “aggressively” pursuing “Deflategate” allegations, but “I want to emphasize we have made no judgments on these points, and we will not compromise the investigation by engaging in speculation.” Translation, if you think we’re going to do anything before the Super Bowl, you’re flat out nuts.
–
Oakland Raiders are at 200-1 odds to win the Super Bowl in 2016 . Wow! Guess proximity to California must have made the oddsmakers over-optimistic.
–
Michelle Obama praised the movie “American Sniper” today. This is the sort of sentence that makes heads at FOX News explode.
–
Good for golf to have Tiger Woods back. If there weren’t headlines about him missing another cut most people wouldn’t realize there’s a tournament on this weekend.
–
Mitt Romney’s statement today “After putting considerable thought into making another run for president, I’ve decided it is best to give other leaders in the party the opportunity to become our next nominee.” Translation, enough of my fellow Republicans have said to me “Are you out of your bleeping mind?”
A former Oregon State student has been cited for filming a porn video in the university library. Not sure who caught her at it, but pretty sure it wasn’t a football player.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Patriots jokes, Pete Carroll jokes, Seahawks jokes, Sherman jokes, Super Bowl Jokes, Tiger Woods jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
January 29, 2015
Apparently there have been two middle of the night false alarms this week at the Patriots’ Super Bowl team hotel. Has anyone talked to the Seahawks’ ball boy?
–
The Hallmark Channel will broadcast Kitten Bowl II Sunday. They will use 92 kittens who they say they have trained for nine weeks? “Training kittens?”. Is that in preparation for herding them when they grow up?
–
A Florida woman was arrested and is being held without bond for allegedly beating her husband with a shoe, after she caught him in their bed with another woman. Well of course, it’s Florida. She should have simply shot him.
–
Police in Idaho say they got a 911 call from two men transporting 20 pounds of marijuana, who mistakenly thought undercover officers had discovered their stash. But the cops had no idea, until the men called, with their location. #cantfixstupid
–
Silver lining for New England on “deflate-gate.” Reports aren’t asking the Patriots about Aaron Hernandez and his murder trial.
–
Comcast eventually refunded two years of bills when consumer advocate Christopher Elliott interceded on behalf of a man who tried to cancel service and found on his next bill, his name was changed to ‘A**hole Brown.’
Got to wonder though, just what did the customer say to elicit that response?
–
Nationals outfielder Jayson Werth has been sentenced to 5 days in jail for driving 105 mph on the Capital Beltway. Some Washington fans are upset, some don’t care, and most just want Werth to tell them where they can get up to 105- mph on the Beltway.
–
Best thing about this non-stop Super Bowl pre-game hype: knowing that when the game is over that it’s only about 2 weeks until pitchers and catchers report.
—
Whatever you think about Michelle Obama’s decision not to wear a head covering in Saudi Arabia, one thing seems pretty clear. If the First Lady had worn a black hijab, photos of her would be used in more than a few future GOP campaign ads in conservative areas.
–
Meanwhile, Sarah Palin, ranting on Fox because Bill O’Reilly dismissed her potential Presidential candidacy: “The people of America deserve the best and competition through a GOP primary, whether a Bill O’Reilly or somebody else assumes a reality show or not, they deserve that competition to surface the competitor who can take on Hillary or whomever it may be and win for this country.”
Well, I don’t know about what the American people deserve, but comedy writers are just hoping we are worthy.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Janice Hough, kitten bowl, Saudi Arabia jokes, Super Bowl Jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
January 29, 2015
Florence Henderson, 81, who will forever be Carol Brady to many baby-boomers, gave an interview during which she talked about currently having a “friend with benefits.” And you think it was tough figuring out that YOUR parents actually had sex.
–
Facebook was down for an hour Monday light, and apparently 5 people called 911 about it. Really? Don’t these people understand that 911 is for serious issues. Like if your television goes down during the Super Bowl?
–
A fighter jet flew low over Berkeley today, scaring a lot of residents. Turns out it was a Navy pilot showing off for his brother who is a student at the university. Wonder if the pilot will claim he was pushed into the cockpit.
–
Good to see that, once again, NFL has its priorities in order. Apparently Marshawn Lynch may be fined anyway, not for his “I’m just here so I don’t get fined” respondes, but for wearing his “BeastMode” cap which was not a league approved brand.
–
Thinking for Marshawn Lynch and the NFL it would be much more efficient if the Seahawks running back just put money for his fines in a retainer account at the beginning of the season and the league notified him when to top it up.
Bill Clinton, joking about what he would want to be called if Hillary runs for President and wins – “I could be called Adam.” (First man.) I don’t know. What about “First Bubba?”
–
Headline hyperbole award of the day.- “Home heartbreak.” Talking about the Warriors’ loss in OT yesterday to the Bulls. Golden State had a 19 game winning streak snapped and is now 36-7. #tragicreally
–
A now former Stanford University star swimmer was barred from campus after being charged with five felony counts. He was arrested after allegedly being found raping an intoxicated, unconscious woman on campus. What an idiotic a**hole. Since he’s a swimmer instead of a football player, no other school will give him a second chance.
–
You really can’t make this stuff up. Now Michelle Obama has a new supporter. For today. This tweet “Kudos to @FLOTUS for standing up for women & refusing to wear Sharia-mandated head-scarf in Saudi Arabia. Nicely done.” From Ted Cruz.
–
Joel Grey, in a new People magazine interview that he didn’t like labels, but if you “have to use labels, I’m a gay man.” “I’m shocked,” said about two people.
–
Two steps forward, one step back. While Pope Francis is winning friends for the Catholic Church around the world, now we’ve got Father Joseph Illo, who took over a San Francisco church recently and is getting rid of girls as altar servers.. This because females cannot enter the priesthood, and “Boys usually end up losing interest because girls generally do a better job A boys-only program gives altar boys the space to develop their own leadership potential.” #nottheonion
–
Bus to hell, or heaven, from Gary Bachman: “A cat, presumed dead and buried, showed up in neighbor’s yard five days later. ‘I did it in three,’ boasted Jesus.”
Despite the fact that New England is still digging out from Juno, the storyline now is on how underwhelming the storm was in NJ/NY. So, yes, Boston, to the New York-centric media you are officially chopped liver.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Clinton jokes, facebook jokes, Florence Henderson, friends with benefits jokes, Janice Hough, Marshawn Lynch jokes, Super Bowl Jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
January 27, 2015
Once again, NJ & NY see proof why most meteorologists are men: They always overestimate inches. #Snowmageddon2015
–
Well, at least this over-hyped storm had one silver lining for New Yorkers: It cancelled the Knicks game.
–
And actually Juno did hit New England hard. But So the “Blizzard of the 2015” didn’t turn out to be quite as big a deal in New York and New Jersey as forecasters expected. Will they rename it “Geno?”
(or “Johnny Storm?”)
–
As the measles outbreak spreads, have to wonder, if there was a vaccine for Ebola, how many Americans would refuse to use it?
Wonder how many NFL people are longing for the days when the only balls in the bathroom controversy had to do with openly gay players.
–
If you go by $$ per minute, Marshawn Lynch’s 4 minutes and 51 seconds on Super Bowl media day might have been one of the best paid interviews of all time. “I’m just here so I won’t get fined.” Because he probably saved fines of at least $250,000.
–
Former NY Giants defensive coordinator Perry Fewell, interviewed to be the 49ers defensive backs coach. But he turned SF down and took the same position with Washington. How toxic an owner do you have to be to make Dan Snyder look good?
–
Bus to hell time. A Nashville jury has convicted two ex-Vanderbilt football players of raping a former student inside a dorm room. Wonder if both men now wish they’d gone to Florida State?
–
Sometimes all technology does is give people more power to embrace their idiocy. A 22 yr-old Texas man is in jail after he posted on FB, “So I have 16 warrants right now. Lol they know where I’m at tho, so it must not be TOO bad.” #cantfixstupid
–
New England CB Brandon Browner told ESPN “I’m going to tell my teammates to go hit (Sherman’s) elbow, go hit (Thomas’s) shoulder. Try to break it if you can.” But the NFL is okay with the comments, because Browner didn’t put it in terms of a bounty?
–
from T.C. “When Elin heard that Tom Brady was possibly cheating, she immediately sent Gisele that famous 9 iron.”
–
–
James Caan has filed for divorce from his wife for the third time in ten years. “Dude, make up your mind”, said Brett Favre.
–
Michelle Obama did not wear a headscarf Tuesday in Saudi Arabia, where local women must cover their heads. Over at FOX News heads must have exploded as they were all no doubt ready to complain that she didn’t show respect for Muslim customs….
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, 49ers jokes, blizzard jokes, deflate gate, Florida State jokes, Janice Hough, Jets jokes, juno jokes, measles jokes, Saudi Arabia jokes, snow jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
Left Coast Sports Babe 