Archive for the ‘GOP jokes’ category
March 18, 2016
#Duke vs #Yale for a #SweetSixteen berth. Most of America will find this as appealing as a choice between #Trump and #Cruz #MarchMadness
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But really, Yale vs. Duke? Hope the Dunkin’ Donuts Center in Providence sends out a rush order for extra chardonnay.
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North Carolina started 2nd half on a 22-6 run after being basically tied with Florida Gulf Coast at halftime. Did coach Roy Williams remind the Tarheels at halftime that no one may remember who wins in any given year, but being the first #1 seed to lose to a #16 would be forever.
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Nice for the kids playing in early March Madness games today. They got to relax and watch players their dad’s age kicking the crap out of the Trail Blazers. #Spurs
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Sorry, when a #9 beats an #8 you do not get to crow all day about picking an upset in your bracket. #MarchMadness
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Seriously, does #Butler EVER lose in the first round? #MarchMadness
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So I no longer have a perfect bracket, but I did figure out the channel for TruTV. #smallvictories.
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MLB has announced Yasiel Puig will not be disciplined for an November alleged domestic violence incident involving his sister at a Miami nightclub. Is it too soon to start a pool on the date of Puig’s next incident?
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A U.S. college student has been sentenced to 15 years hard labor in North Korea for stealing a propaganda poster of Kim Jong Il from a restricted area at a hotel. So really, is he being sentenced for the theft or for the stupidity?
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Anonymous has decided to release Donald Trump’s personal information. Waiting for the Donald to demand we need to start deporting all hackers. #thiscouldbefun
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Laura Bush, after talking about isolationism and xenophobia then told a reporter “‘Don’t ask’ if I’ll vote for Trump.” Hmm, maybe SHE’s the smart one in the family.
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As if you needed more reason not to go to Carl’s Jr., whose founder was staunchy anti-choice and anti-gay, the CEO has he wants to open a completely automated restaurant with no human employees. Well, makes sense, most actual humans don’t want to eat there either.
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Chip Kelly on Colin Kaepernick “If he’s here on April 4 we’re going to coach the heck out of him, and he’s going to work his (tail) off.”
Sounds like Kelly is behind Kap 1,000%. #ifyougetthisreferenceyoumightbeold
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Sarah Palin said her husband is still in intensive care but she is “so thankful for today’s medical technology including 3-D X-rays, temporary pain blocks and epidurals. I’m voting for their continued use…” But of course Palin can’t wait to get back on the road to campaign against Obamacare.
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Many in the GOP love to quote “the Biden rule” about approving a Supreme Court Judge. But one, Biden was talking about a judge deliberately retiring to allow a president to pick another younger justice with the same views, and two, this was in 1992, and Biden said “before the political season is underway.” As if in 2016 the “political season’ ever stops.
Marco Rubio says he’s not interested in running for V.P. in 2016. Translation, maybe he can’t stand Trump or Cruz any more than many of us.
Categories: baseball jokes, GOP jokes, March madness jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, March madness jokes, NCAA jokes, tournament jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
March 16, 2016
This year like every year with the NCAA tournament many Americans fantasize about a 16 beating a 1. Well, the Lakers DID beat the Warriors….
Sellout crowd in Dayton for a #FirstFour game between Tulsa and Michigan. Just guessing there isn’t a lot to do in Dayton.
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Researchers are now saying that CTE could result from any contact sports. So maybe when Roger Goodell said that the risk playing youth football was similar to the risk of “sitting on your couch” he meant if your team’s play on Sunday (or in March Madness) caused you to start banging your head into the wall.
Apparently some of the Chicago Cubs are not happy with the new rules banning smoke-less tobacco for players at Wrigley Field. John Lackey” “We’re grown men. People in the stands can have a beer, but we can’t do what we want? That’s a little messed up.”
Uh, people in the stands can bet on the game at casinos too.
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Adam LaRoche retired and is giving up $13 million because the White Sox say he can’t keep bringing his 14 year-old son into the clubhouse. Just thinking if LaRoche hit say, .297 instead of the.207 he hit year the team would have not only still allowed the kid but designed him bats and washed his uniforms.
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One of United Airline’s new security questions for their Mileage Plus accounts is “What month is your best friend’s birthday?” And millions of men are going “WTF, I’m lucky if I can remember what month is my WIFE’S birthday.”
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At the Cincinnati Zoo today, a polar bear got out of its enclosure, but apparently has been “contained.” Who knows the reason for the escape. Maybe the bear thought it had a right to be armed?
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Donald Trump says “there could be riots” if he loses the nomination. As opposed to the riots if he wins it?
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So if Senate GOP won’t even consider Merrick Garland, who even Judge Roberts likes, they are saying they think they’ll get a better option from President Trump or Clinton? #batshitcrazy
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So if Hillary Clinton gets elected but the Dems don’t take back the Senate will Mitch McConnell declare in January 2017 that since it is only 36 months until the last year of her term it would be inappropriate to consider any pick she makes for the Supreme Court?
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So now some Republicans are saying they might consider President Obama’s Supreme court pick in November if Clinton wins the election. At which point Obama should pull back Garland and nominate someone to the left of RBG.
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Apparently a new Donald Trump ad against Hillary ad has footage of Clinton barking like a dog to mimic still another ad against her last month. The tag line? “We don’t need to be a punchline!”
And someone in the Trump campaign wrote that with a straight face….
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Jerry Springer said of the GOP primary “if they’re going to do my show, they should start paying me.” Are you kidding, there’s no way the Republican debates and primary process have had the calm, reasoned maturity of the Jerry Springer show. #bycomparison
“The president told me several times he’s going to name a moderate but I don’t believe him. [Obama] could easily name Merrick Garland, who is a fine man. He probably won’t do that because this appointment is about the election. So I’m pretty sure he’ll name someone the [liberal Democratic base] wants.”
Senator Orrin Hatch, MARCH 13, 2016.
I do not think I would play chess with Obama.
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Categories: airline jokes, GOP jokes, March madness jokes, Supreme court jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: basketball jokes, Cubs jokes, Janice Hough, March madness jokes, Merrick Garland jokes, NCAA jokes, Supreme Court jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
March 15, 2016
And haven’t pressed “submit” tonight, either you don’t care or shouldn’t you be working on your brackets?
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As we approach March Madness, remember, nothing is certain but death, taxes, and Kansas finding a way to lose before the finals.
In retrospect one reason shows like “The Bachelor” are so popular – you get to watch people make really stupid decisions and it doesn’t affect the fate of the world? #Presidentialprimaries
So now Pete Rose’s lawyer is denying that Rose sent Trump a baseball saying “Mr. Trump, please make America great again.” The Donald claims the baseball was an endorsement.
And how could you doubt either of these fine gentlemen? #sarcasm
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Disney has announced that Harrison Ford, 73, will return for a fifth Indiana Jones movie in 2019. Only this time the lost relic will be Jones himself.
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The US House is holding two hearings on the water crisis in Flint, Michigan. Would that they keep at this with the same intensity they have on Benghazi.
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New England Patriots safety Nate Ebner will take a leave of absence from the team to train for the U.S. rugby team and this summer’s Olympics. Other international rugby teams just demanded a guard on the rugby balls.
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A traffic monitoring group says that the average San Francisco commuter spent more than three days in traffic in 2015. And down in Los Angeles they’re thinking “amateurs.”
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Rick Pitino, defending his embattled Louisville program, says that the problem was a graduate assistant, Andre McGee “whose sole responsibility was to make sure they do the right things.”
Right, because in major programs, all graduate assistants have the power and the $$$$$$ to hire prostitutes. And none of the coaching staff would have any clue.
I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat better.”
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Hillary Clinton was caught on a “hot mic” speculating about Chris Christie’s reasons for endorsing Donald Trump. “Did he have a debt or something?” Whatever you think of Hillary, the woman is not stupid.
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So what’s the difference between #MarcoRubio and #JebBush? About three weeks? #GOPPrimary
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Ben Carson, in explaining why he endorsed the Donald, said that even if Trump “turns out not to be such a great president … we’re only looking at four years.” as opposed to if the Democrats win “multiple generations and perhaps the loss of the American dream forever.”
Wow, well at least someone thinks Hillary is powerful.
So folks saying they always knew #Trump #Clinton would be 2016 Pres. candidates also will pretend their 1st weekend brackets are perfect?
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Donald #Trump is saying. “We need to bring our party together.”. And never has Tonto’s quote been more apt – “Who’s ‘we’. white man?”
#TedCruz, doubling down on promise to be a strong president for Israel. Sorry, I thought we were choosing President for the US? #GOPPrimary
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Since #TedCruz might be last alternative to #DonaldTrump would like to thank the San Antonio #Spurs for reminding us of the possibilities of sanity in Texas.
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Jerry Brown, “If Trump were ever elected, we’d have to build a wall around California to defend ourselves from the rest of this country.”
Another reason we Californians love Governor Moonbeam 2.0. (He did add “By the way that is a joke. We don’t like walls, we like bridges.”)
Categories: GOP jokes, pitino jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bachelor jokes, Florida jokes, Janice Hough, March madness jokes, NCAA jokes, NCAA tournament jokes, Rubio jokes, tournament jokes, Trump jokes
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March 13, 2016
LSU turned down an NIT invitation and said they will not play in this postseason. Well, with 38 points in the SEC opening game not like they played in that tournament either.
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SF Giants infield definitely leading the league in college boys – Posey/FSU, Belt/Texas, Panik/St. Johns, Crawford/UCLA, Duffy/Long Beach St, Susac/Oregon State, Tomlinson/Texas Tech… And Mac Williamson/Wake Forest, Osich/Oregon State, Samardzjia/Notre Dame….
Should be fun during March Madness.
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Mississippi State’s Dak Prescott, expected to be one of the first QB’s taken in next month’s draft, was arrested yesterday for DUI. So was Prescott just trying to prove he’s NFL ready?
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Categories: GOP jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 76ers jokes, bracket jokes, Janice Hough, March madness jokes, NCAA jokes, NCAA tournament, tournament jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
March 13, 2016
As we approach March Madness with all of these relatively no-name teams, interesting to note that two of the most watchable superstars in the NBA went to Davidson and San Diego State.
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Stony Brook beat Vermont today and is heading for their first NCAA tournament. Maybe those who want to pick them in their bracket can take this time to figure out where the school is?
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Former Clippers owner Donald Sterling and his wife Shelley, who have been married 60 years, have apparently called off their divorce proceedings. Maybe they couldn’t remember why they were getting divorced in the first place?
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The Pac 12 has a new policy for athletes restricting transfer students who are ineligible at previous schools because of assault, harassment or academic fraud. This follows a similar but not identical policy change from the SEC – which now bars transfers with histories of sexual assault or domestic violence. Apparently they couldn’t say “academic fraud” with a straight face.
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At Thursday’s GOP debate, John Kasich “I do believe we contribute to climate change. You can have strong environmental policy at the same time as you have strong economic growth.” Well, you start seeing why he’s in 4th place in the Republican field. #notcrazyenough
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At Thursday’s GOP debate, John Kasich “I do believe we contribute to climate change. You can have strong environmental policy at the same time as you have strong economic growth.” Well, you start seeing why he’s in 4th place in the Republican field.
#notcrazyenough–
Okay, every candidate deserves a right to hold rallies. But Trump’s canceled rally yesterday was scheduled at a Chicago campus known for a large minority/immigrant student body. When there are plenty of Chicago suburbs (like Winnetka) that would be more receptive locations. Although I’m sure Trump’s campaign would never deliberately try to incite trouble
#sarcasm.
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A woman sailing on the Independence of the Seas out of Ft. Lauderdale had to be taken off the ship by fireboat to a hospital after she opened a bottle of champagne she had brought on board and popped the cork right into her eye. #cantfixstupid #ifonlyshewasarmed
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Marco Rubio on Trump “I still at this moment continue to intend to support the Republican nominee, but it’s getting harder every day.” Wait, is that another d*ck joke?
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Yep, nailed it. President Obama on the GOP establishment being shocked by Trump’s attacks on Muslims and immigrants: “How could you be shocked? This was the guy who was sure I was born in Kenya. As long as it was being directed at me they were fine with it.
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From Marc Ragovin: “I went to a hockey game the other day and a Donald Trump rally broke out.”
(oh, and from that first item – for non-college basketball fans, Stephen Curry is from Davidson, Kawhi Leonard from San Diego State.)
Categories: GOP jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Florida jokes, Janice Hough, March madness jokes, Rubio jokes, Trump jokes
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March 12, 2016
Now rumors might have both Mark Sanchez and Colin Kaepernick in Denver. Good thing for fans Colorado has legalized marijuana.
Colin Kaepernick now says he wants to play for the Cleveland Browns. Maybe because he figures he has an easy act to follow.
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The Denver Broncos have signed Mark Sanchez. So now we get to learn something new – how high does a butt-fumble bounce at 5,280 feet?
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RIP Keith Emerson, of Emerson Lake and Palmer. It’s bad enough when musicians from your youth die. It’s even worse when you realize that they actually had gotten old.
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New free agent #RGIII apparently visited #NYJets. Well, & what better landing spot for a QB who was tired of too much media attention.
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#UConn#Cincinnati game went 4 OTs today. Wow. That’s more time than many of the players will ever spend in class. #MarchMadness
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Now that Trump is actually getting closer to winning the GOP primary, isn’t it time to call for an investigation: pretty sure that furry thing that lives on his head wasn’t born in the U.S.
Caitlyn Jenner, on her support for Donald Trump: “He would be very good on women’s issues. Just because I’m a woman now doesn’t make me all of a sudden liberal.”
Well, of course not, she had gender-reassignment surgery, not a brain transplant.
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Joe’s Crab Shack has apologized for using a picture of a crowd of white people watching a black man being hanged as a table decoration. Really, weren’t there easier ways for the restaurant to say they’d like to host a Trump rally?
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A Chicago man, Dennis Nicholl, has been arrested for regularly riding the Red Line train with a cellphone jammer. Hmm, so how many millions of people will be joining the #freeDennis campaign?
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Some major GOP criticism of President Obama for missing Nancy Reagan’s funeral. But Nancy herself went to Bess Truman’s funeral without her husband, And W. did not accompany Laura and Barbara Bush to Lady Bird’s funeral. #Noissuetoosmall.
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Marco Rubio says it’s okay if his supporters in Ohio vote for John Kasich, as the Governor of the winner-take-all state has the best chance there to stop Donald Trump. Well, good, that ought to get Kasich at least two or three more votes.
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Ben Carson, in making his endorsement this morning, said “There are two Donald Trumps.” Great, besides the Donald’s narcissism and other issues,, America also now has to worry about a potential President with “Dissociative Identity Disorder.”
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Bob Woodward asked Trump about Mexico paying for his proposed wall, “Trust me, Bob, when I rejuvenate our military, Mexico’s not going to be playing with us with war.”
Because the U.S. now spending as much as the next seven countries combined isn’t enough to scare them already?
Stocks ended today at a new 2016 high. #IblameObama
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After this week’s shooting of a pto-gun mom by her 4-year-old son, Neal suggests, “open carry preschool!”
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And from Marc Ragovin “Well it’s March Madness, or as it’s otherwise, known, a Donald Trump rally.”
(again, funnier if it weren’t true.)
Categories: debate jokes, GOP jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Broncos jokes, Carson jokes, Colorado jokes, Janice Hough, joe's crab shack jokes, nancy reagan jokes, rock and roll jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
March 10, 2016
The Florida woman who was shot by her 4-year-old son apparently is still pro-gun, and her own mother dismisses the shooting as “an accident and nothing more.” Sounds like a good phrase for a tombstone.
Taco Bell has announced they are lowering some prices. Gosh, hope this doesn’t lead to their lowering the fine quality of their ingredients.
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In California, the legislature passed a bill to raise the smoking age to 21. And most college students are shrugging – “It’s only tobacco.”
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Regarding all this controversy over Kim Kardashian maybe being “slut-shamed” for her latest naked selfie: Look, I’m a feminist and think women should be proud of their bodies. But jeez, Kim, haven’t we seen enough of yours? #boring
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A rear admiral was fired after he admitted to investigators he spent nine hours in a ten day period aboard an assault ship looking at porn on a Defense Department computer. Nine hours out of ten days… and some are wondering, “Was he fired for not being man enough?”
(or stupid enough not to have a smart phone with an unlimited data plan.)
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A major brawl broke out and was caught on video on a Spirit Airlines flight today when two women started playing music from a boom box and refused to turn it down. While the women were detained by security at LAX no one was arrested.
Spirit Airlines did, however, reportedly charge other passengers on board an entertainment fee.
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Alas, a koala at the Griffith Park zoo in Los Angeles was apparently eaten by a local mountain lion. Clearly the koala should have been armed.
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In Kansas, GOP senators frustrated with the judicial system have passed a bill that would make “attempting to usurp the power” of the Legislature or the executive branch grounds for impeachment. So any judge who overturned legislation could be impeached. Forget spinning, James Madison is causing a tornado in his grave.
The Milwaukee Bucks’ O.J. Mayo broke his right ankle falling down stairs at home today and is done for the year. Making him luckier than Bucks’ season ticket holders.
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OSU’s Urban Meyer has endorsed John Kasich. Well, if Kasich gets on the ticket there go the GOP’s chances in Michigan.
Barack Obama’s approval ratings are back up to 50%, the highest in 3 years. Guess it’s beginning to dawn on Americans that one of these people they are watching debate is actually going to be our next president. #lookingbetterbycomparison
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Ben Carson is going to endorse Donald Trump. Does that mean Trump might be able to pick up both Carson’s supporters?
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Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio are so united in their so-called hatred of government: so will they both sign a pledge saying if a natural disaster hits their states they won’t call in the evil feds?
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Gave up on the GOP debate even for comedy research purposes to watch the Spurs game. Another reason to like San Antonio, they have so many “immigrant” players, they’d probably annoy the hell out of Trump.
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Trump says he will put Ben Carson in charge of education. Uh, except that during this campaign the Dr. has if anything made people wonder how low the standards have gotten for medical school?
Is this year’s #AmericanIdol final season format designed to make sure we really don’t miss the show when it’s gone?
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Trudeau-Obama press conference today in Washington. Two politicians together at lecterns who aren’t screaming at each other… Well, where’s the fun in that?
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Now that Canadian Prime Minister Trudeau has visited the White House waiting for Trump to tell his supporters “Big deal, when I am in charge we’ll make Canada’s President show up.”
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As a final change today from the debate circus tents: “In a rapidly pivoting world, it becomes easy to become fearful. It becomes easy to turn in on ourselves. And we know from history that it’s much more important to turn outwards, and to draw out the best in each other. And to understand that whenever people get together, regardless of how different they may seem, there are always more things we have in common than that differentiate us.”
Justin Trudeau, today in D.C. Once again, #canweborrowhim?
Categories: debate jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: gun jokes, Janice Hough, Kardashian jokes, primary jokes, spirit jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
March 9, 2016
This week is the World Clown Convention in Orlando. And next week is the Florida primary. Coincidence?
Alec Baldwin, 57, has announced he and his wife are expecting a baby boy this fall, meaning they will have three children age 3 three and under. And well, if any dad can teach his kids how to throw a tantrum….
Social media is apparently at odds as to whether Bernie Sanders’ suit tonight was brown or blue. But presumably the confusion is absolutely Wall Street’s fault.
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Pollsters in Michigan may be out of work after their miserable showing in the Democratic primary. On the other hand, many of them have been offered jobs running the numbers for Trump’s tax plan.
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Apparently with Brock Osweiler going to the Texans, the Broncos are interested in Colin Kaepernick. Hmm, maybe Peyton Manning shouldn’t get too comfortable in retirement.
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A pro-gun 31-year-old Florida mother was arguing on Facebook Monday saying “Even my 4 year old gets jacked up to target shoot with the .22” Tuesday mom was in stable condition in the the hospital after the kid found the loaded gun in her car and shot mom while she was driving. Is it fair to hope they don’t discharge her in time to vote in Tuesday’s primary?
#howdoyoustopagoodchildwithagun?
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In central Florida, a second grade substitute teacher was arrested for being drunk in class. The principal first became suspicious because she didn’t know the day of the week. But really, in Florida, isn’t the day of the week a fourth or fifth grade lesson?
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If #CarlyFiorina really wanted to help #TedCruz she’d sign up in California to help run #Trump campaign.
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Here’s a”cheer up it could be worse” item for passengers who feel squeezed on United Airlines 777 planes in coach. The airline is planning to change their domestic 777’s from 9-across seating, to 10-across seating. So yes, it could, and will be worse.
At Paris-CDG Airport a woman was arrested after she apparently had sneaked a child onto a flight from Istanbul in a carry-on bag. And a whole lot of airlines got a new idea for a new really no-frills fare. #carryonseating
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Interesting note, Michigan has open primaries. So wonder which number was higher – Republicans voting for Bernie to cause trouble for the Democrats, or Dems voting for Trump to try to screw the GOP?
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At least Marco Rubio accomplished something with his personal insults against Trump – “My kids were embarrassed by it.” That’s impressive. Two of his children aren’t even teenagers yet.
Under the guise of protecting women, Florida just passed a massively restrictive bill to limit abortion, which requires providers to meet very strict medical standards, even when the “abortion” is morning-after pills. But if we really want Florida women to rise up in anger, maybe someone should demand similar restrictions also apply to clinics doing, for starters, liposuction and botox…..
And we thought #PAC12 football got hosed with TV: :#Pac12Hoops tournament has 1st 3 days with games at 1145pm EST & finals at 1015p Saturday.
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From Marc Ragovin “I’m not saying the NY Knicks are on their last legs, but Phil Jackson just said they are throwing all of their stock in Florida next Tuesday.”
Categories: baseball jokes, GOP jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: debate jokes, Florida jokes, Janice Hough, primary jokes, Rubio jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
March 8, 2016
Pittsburgh’s DeAngelo Williams called out Peyton Manning as a “hall of fame QB who couldn’t play dead in a western last year.” Yeah, well that’s just piling on after the Steelers eliminated the Broncos from the playoffs last year. Oh wait, never mind.
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The Supreme Court today UNANIMOUSLY today reversed an Alabama court’s refusal to recognize a same-sex adoption. Yes, even Thomas and Alito agreed. Maybe we are creeping into the 21st century after all..
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Erin Andrews won $55 million in her lawsuit over being videotaped nude in her hotel room. And the Kardashians are thinking “We’d have allowed it for half that.”
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Bette Middler might have won the internet today: “Kim Kardashian tweeted a nude selfie today. If Kim wants us to see a part of her we’ve never seen, she’s gonna have to swallow the camera.”
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Atlanta Falcons assistant coach Marquand Manuel has apologized for asking OSU cornerback Eli Apple if he was gay. So is he sorry for the question, or sorry that it leaked out?
A United Airlines flight from Houston to Munich had to return to Intercontinental Airport with smoke billowing from one engine after they hit a bird during takeoff. No injuries were reported. Well, except for the bird.
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Maria Sharapova apparently failed a drug test at the Australian Open. The substance is one she has been taking for years, but was on a list of drugs that were banned starting January 1. Sharapova acknowledged getting the email but said she didn’t read it….
Creative excuses isn’t one area we really wanted women athletes to start equaling men.
(And okay, if it’s a lie it’s a stupid one, if she didn’t read the list and didn’t have someone on her staff read it well, well, that’s more stupid.)
Six UC Santa Cruz fraternity and sorority members were arrested and charged with being part of an organized Ecstasy drug ring. Well, that’s one way to deal with high tuition costs.
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Some talk now about how much a loss in the Florida Primary would hurt Marco Rubio. Well, not as much as his own campaigning has hurt him.
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32 pts in 1st half for #Spurs tonight in Indiana against the #Pacers. That Sunday #Lakers game might have not been the best for San Antonio’s usual inspiration from watching the Golden State #Warriors.
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Michael Bloomberg says he will not run for President. Has he finally figured out that the seat for the egotistical New York billionaire in the clown car is full?
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Meanwhile in South Florida, the Sun-Sentinel says there is no good candidate in the GOP primary and will not endorse. This includes the man they endorsed when he ran for Senate “Because Rubio has failed to do his job as a senator, broken the promises he made to Floridians and backed away from his lone signature piece of legislation on immigration, we cannot endorse him for president.”
Not even to get him out of Florida?
Categories: airline jokes, debate jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bloomberg jokes, Erin Andrews jokes, Janice Hough, Kardashian jokes, Rubio jokes, Supreme Court jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
March 5, 2016
So what are we going to title the next few weeks of the #GOPPrimary? Since #MarchMadness is already taken.
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Now Marco Rubio says that Donald Trump is the “most vulgar person ever to aspire to the Presidency.” What’s next, a rousing chorus of “I see London, I see France, I see someone’s underpants?”
Astronaut Scott Kelly says he grew two inches in space and now he can’t sink a basketball shot. Hmm, so is this the explanation for big men like Shaq and DeAndre Jordan and free throws? They’re really from a different planet?
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Ah for the good old days when #votefortheworst just mean you ended up with a lousy winner on #AmericanIdol #GOPPrimary
Saw a headline that “Wall Street is about to go after Trump big time.” Oh this billionaire on billionaire violence….
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In a reality TV world should we be surprised that being the only adult in the room is not necessarily a way to win the audience?
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Ravens LB Terrell Suggs was arrested this morning in Arizona and charged with leaving the scene of an accident and driving with a suspended license. Then he tweeted out “MooD:…….Driving with a suspended license! Street Cred= 100,000 Trillion. My bad.”
#stayclassy #rolemodels #NFL
So the Atlanta Falcons have apologized after Ohio State’s Eli Apple reported that during the NFL combine he was asked if he “liked men.” Waiting for the first team to apologize for asking players if they think their mom is hot. #nottheOnion #stayclassy
Ben Carson has dropped out of the Presidential race. Saying “I did the math. I looked at the delegate counts … and I realized it simply wasn’t going to happen.” Well, there’s his first problem, trying to be a GOP candidate who believes in math.
After becoming the butt of Twitter jokes, Whole Foods has pulled pre-peeled oranges from their shelves. Thereby probably really upsetting the same millennials who don’t eat cereal with milk because it’s too much work.
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If we are going to have all this nastiness in #GOPPrimary can we at least get competence and draft #FrankUnderwood? #HouseofCards
Amazing. Southwest can turn a flight around in about 15 minutes. United can’t turn a domestic flight around in less than an hour. #apassionformediocrity
Categories: airline jokes, debate jokes, GOP jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: American Idol jokes, astronaut jokes, Carson jokes, Janice Hough, March madness jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
March 3, 2016
Peyton Manning, in a speech last night at the Florida Forum “Many of you have probably heard that I have a significant announcement to make, so I thought I’d go ahead and make it with all of you here tonight. Papa John’s is offering 50 percent off tonight through Friday.”
Someday Manning may have the only funeral where they hand out pizza coupons.
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South Africa’s highest court has dismissed Oscar Pistorius’s appeal against his murder conviction, so he could be facing a minimum 15-year jail sentence. “I feel so sorry for him” said nobody.
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Anyone who thought the GOP campaign couldn’t go any lower? I think this CNN headline might mean we just hit bottom.”Donald Trump defends size of his penis.”
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John Kasich isn’t someone I would vote for, but I still think he’s a capable human being. Watching him on the margins of the GOP debate recalls an anecdote about Adlai Stevenson in the 1956 presidential campaign: A woman called out “Senator, you have the vote of every thinking person!” Stevenson called back “That’s not enough, madam, we need a majority!”
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So if the GOP is really serious about stopping Trump, it should be noted that in Alaska the Donald got Sarah Palin’s endorsement. And the winner was Ted Cruz. #coincidence?
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Now Mitt Romney apparently is focused mostly on keeping Trump from having 1,237 delegates, the number he needs to secure the nomination, so that the GOP can block the Donald at the convention.
Well, this ought to do wonders for convincing potential Trump voters that the establishment isn’t rigged against them..
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Mitt Romney just attacked Donald Trump for dishonesty and pointed to Trump’s “greed,” “showing off”, and “misogyny,” Hey wait, aren’t those real GOP values?
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Mitt Romney called Donald Trump a “phony” and a “fraud” who would hand the election to the Dems in November. So which Mitt was talking? The moderate governor of Mass., or the “severe conservative” who ran in 2012?
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An Australian writer, Helen Garner, got what she thought was a spam email with “good news” and saying somewhat at Yale needed her phone number. It turned out to be real; she had won a $150,000 writing prize.
And a whole lot of spammers just got a new idea.
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Scott Kelly grew two inches while he was in space. And wonder how many men are telling women, “Well, I used to be an astronaut.”
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Jim Harbaugh and Tennessee coach Butch Jones are now in a Twitter battle, where Jones went after Michigan for practicing in Florida, and Harbaugh told him to “focus on his own program.”
So how can we get a game between the Wolverines and Volunteers? #ratings #whatsyourdeal?
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LeBron James is getting some criticism for working out with Dwayne Wade during a couple off-days, especially as the Heat also are probably a playoff team. But really, who expects Miami to be around long enough in the postseason for it to matter?
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Jeb Bush is trying to make a difference and redeem his status within the GOP. So if he’s really serious can Jeb endorse Trump?
Has someone told the #Thunder that hockey has three periods, basketball has four quarters? #Warriors #NBA
Categories: baseball jokes, debate jokes, GOP jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Cruz jokes, debate jokes, GOP jokes, Harbaugh jokes, Janice Hough, Mitt jokes, Romney jokes, Rubio jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
March 1, 2016
Oscar ratings were at an 8-year low. So was that due to the #oscarssowhite boycott, or the fact that most Americans didn’t care about most of the movies.
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One reason the Bachelor is now such a guilty pleasure. How often these days do you get to watch a serious train wreck, without having to worry that the “winner” will be the leader of the free world?
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Joe Scarborough, on Donald Trump’s not definitely denouncing David Duke “So is this how the party of Abraham Lincoln dies?” Can just imagine Trump’s reply – “Hey, I wouldn’t definitely denounce Abraham Lincoln either.”
A Ryanair flight from London to Bratislava diverted to Berlin after some men in a bachelor party “misbehaved so badly.” and one man apparently got naked. Now, had it been a bachelorette party Ryanair would probably have charged an entertainment fee.
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A Google self-driving car hit a bus in Mountain View, CA. No fault has been determined yet, but hope the car wasn’t texting at the time.
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As if the Cubs being favored to win the World Series wasn’t enough of a sign of the apocalypse, now Justice Clarence Thomas has asked a question during oral arguments.
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Donald Trump is now saying a “lousy earpiece” is the reason he didn’t disavow former KKK leader David Duke yesterday. I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat” better.
J.C. Penney is apparently staging a turnaround and both their sales and stock are up. Of course, they were so far down before guessing most Millennials think they’re a brand new company.
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Hotel resort fees are a joke. But this one from a condo company in Hawaii might be a new low – the $10 a day includes “entry gate electronic card for access to the resort premises” Didn’t that used to be called a key?
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A NY federal judge has ruled in a drug case that Apple doesn’t have to unlock an iPhone at the government’s request. These issues are complicated, but got to love the usually pro-business conservatives on the side of the feds, while many normally pro-government liberals are backing Apple.
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A fundraising request today said “I’m sorry we keep emailing you.” Uh, well then there’s a simple solution – STOP EMAILING. #notsosorry
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Watching the GOP primaries and thinking I’m so old I remember when the Democrats were the ones tearing their party apart with craziness.
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After Sarah Palin etc started really going after the media and politics as usual, can’t help but think that for many Trump supporters, the attacks from both the media and other politicians just make them like him more. #lawofunintendedconsequences
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Donald Trump today rolled out endorsements from NASCAR stars. Well, of course, drivers are rich men who will benefit from Trump’s tax plan.
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John Kasich, on the current name-calling competition between Rubio and Trump. “I would rather not win than lower the bar.” Spoken like a man who learned his limbo limits in college. #howlowcanyougo?
From T.C. in response to my comment about #DonaldTrump being snubbed at the Oscars for his role in acting like a potential serious world leader.
“What bout Pill Cosby for Best Actor in a Courtroom Drama? (…and …. he’s Black!)”
Categories: debate jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Oscars jokes, ryanair jokes, The Bachelor jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
February 27, 2016
The NFL is apparently looking into shortening the preseason to three games. Well, that would only be about two games too long.
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The University of Tennessee has offered football scholarships to 20 students from IMG Academy, a Florida boarding school. So what does this academy do to have their athletes so prepared for college – offer all fake classes?
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The ACC says it will not suspend Duke star guard Grayson Allen for tripping an FSU player yesterday, the second time Allen was seen apparently deliberately tipping an opponent. No reason given but it should be obvious – he’s from Duke.
A 20 year old woman in England has been hospitalized with Toxic Shock Syndrome after forgetting to remove a tampon for nine days. Okay, sounds horrible, but that’s not Toxic Shock Syndrome, that’s Toxic Stupid Syndrome.
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#DonaldTrump and #ChrisChristie together – Talk about a bully pulpit.
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If it’s a Trump-Christie ticket on the GOP side, will our proposed new U.S. slogan be “carry a big stick and shout at the top of your lungs.
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Chris Christie is certainly Machiavellian enough…. any chance he endorsed #Trump in hopes of a cabinet position offer from Hillary?
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Chris Christie “There is no better fighter than Donald Trump. So did the N.J. Governor think he was endorsing Trump for the Presidency of the WBC?
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One of Donald Trump’s latest tweets “Wow. Every poll said I won the debate last night. Great honer.” Wonder if the Donald’s spell checker is from Oaklahoma?
(my friend Christopher Green says, well, the B and the H are close together on the keyboard, maybe his hand slipped.)
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This quote from Lindsey Graham has gone viral recently. “If you kill Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate, and the trial was in the Senate, nobody could convict you.” Hmm, maybe that’s who Trump was talking about shooting on Fifth Avenue.
#LindseyGraham says the #GOP has gone “batshit” crazy. Prompting calls for an apology. From bats.
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Tax experts say it’s unlikely that Donald Trump has really been audited personally 12 years in a row, but that he’s likely referring to himself and the companies he owns or owns part of. So I get it, when it comes to audits, Trump and his companies are the same thing. When it’s bankruptcies…..
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Bernie Sanders may not do big fancy fundraisers, but his campaign sends more emails than a flock of Nigerian princes. At least two-three a day… and I never signed up to support him.
Well, just in case you had a bright idea to beat traffic to Chavez Ravine: this tweet from Andy McCullough at the LA TImes “The Dodgers have told Yasiel Puig he can not, theoretically, fly a helicopter to Dodger Stadium. Federal law prohibits it, the FAA says.”
Guess we need to standby for another year of Puigy being Puigy.
Categories: baseball jokes, football jokes, GOP jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Christ Christie jokes, debate jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, primary jokes, Trump jokes
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February 25, 2016
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New Cleveland coach Hue Jackson says the Browns are “going to take a stand’ with Johnny Manziel. Right. Of course their previous stands have worked about as well as Custer’s last one.
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President Obama has nominated Carla Hayden as the Librarian of Congress. The GOP would announce plans for an immediate filibuster once they get over the shock of finding Congress HAS a library.
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Kanye West is now threatening to boycott next years Grammy Awards. All together now – “Promise???!!!”
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Donald Trump, “I love the poorly educated.” Or as he also refers to them “My base.”
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Marco Rubio today ” You don’t win the nomination by how many states you win.” Clearly another Republican who thinks math is one of those commie pinko liberal concepts.
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Marco Rubio keeps declaring victory with these second place finishes. In related news, the Minnesota Vikings are going to put up Super Bowl banners.
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Responding to social media rumors of a setback in his recovery, Tiger Woods says he is “progressing nicely.” Isn’t that what Jeb Bush said last week about his campaign?
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Rumors have it that Obama is considering Nevada’s GOP governor Brian Sandoval to succeed Antonin Scalia on the Supreme Court. If true, a reminder that whatever you think of this President, you don’t want to play chess with him.
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Got to love the fact that the man leading for the Presidential “family values” party has had numerous affairs and three wives. #Trump
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Two British members of parliament have sent a letter to the NFL as they are upset about the Redskins name, and saying it directly contravenes the values that many in Britain have worked so hard to instill.” They ask “at a minimum, send a different team to our country to represent the sport, one that does not promote a racial slur.”
So are the MPs really taking a high road here? Or do they want the NFL not to send over another sucky football team?
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It took “about $100,000” in legal fees, but Bristol Palin’s first baby daddy Levi Johnston finally won shared custody of their son Tripp. Because of course all children are better off with a mommy and daddy unless you don’t want to see the guy again. #familyvaluesmyass
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As of today British Airways will no longer accept bookings for unaccompanied minors, children under 12. Guess they got tired of dealing with badly behaved kids. Now if they can just figure out a way not to allow bookings for badly behaved adults
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Really, Facebook? With all the complications in the world these days you have to change the “like” buttons without warning? Life is so confusing.
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Wow. The latest out of the University of Tennessee is that football coach Butch Jones told WR Drae Bowles, who later transferred, that he was a “traitor” who “betrayed the team” for helping a woman who said she had been sexually assaulted by teammates.
#MamadontletyourbabiesgrowuptobeVolunteers
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And for those who commented on me doing this every day. Blame Scott Ostler. A SF Chronicle columnist and friend, he kept encouraging me to do this. And when I said I couldn’t come up with jokes every day, he said, “nah, you’re funny, just give yourself a deadline and you’ll come up with stuff.” I curse him under my breath regularly. But he was right about the self-imposed deadlines. And on good days, some of the “stuff ” is actually funny. 🙂
Categories: baseball jokes, football jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, kanye jokes, Obama jokes, Rubio jokes, Supreme Court jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
February 24, 2016
Phrase we didn’t expect to hear from anyone six months ago: Marco #Rubio saying “I’m the only candidate who can beat Donald #Trump.
Now Trump is vowing to put “bad dudes” in Guantanamo Bay. What about making America great again? Shouldn’t that mean he U.S. has the greatest prisons?
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Marco Rubio says there’s no national security rationale for closing Gitmo As if there was ever a real national security rationale for an American prison in Cuba?
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Donald Trump tonight on Ted Cruz “”There’s something wrong with this guy.” So maybe that furry thing that lives on Trump’s head is somehow related to that blind squirrel that finds nuts?
Johnny Manziel is back on Twitter, Retweeting advice he got from Charlie Sheen?! Ah, good to see Manziel is looking for serious role models.
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New York City has been hit by a rash of knife attacks lately, fortunately none of them fatal. If only the slashers were armed?
Mitch McConnell, on the Senate’s plan to ignore President Obama’s choice for the Supreme Court, no matter who he or she is: “The Senate will appropriately revisit the matter after the American people finish making in November the decision they’ve already started making today.”
Uh, as far as starting to make decisions, you think at least a dozen politicians haven’t started looking into office space in Iowa for 2020?
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Dr. Ben Carson now on President Obama. “He was, you know, raised white….So, for him to, you know, claim that, you know, he identifies with the experience of black Americans, I think, is a bit of a stretch.”
Sounds like someone’s been hanging around on a podium with Donald Trump too long.
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Getting at least a few emails a day from various liberal-Democratic groups urging me to sign a petition telling the Senate to vote on President Obama’s Supreme Court nominee. Now, I absolutely want a vote. But anybody really believe GOP senators give a rat’s ass about what Dems think?
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Jeopardy says they are no longer accepting Canadian contestants, citing Canada’s privacy regulations. Hmm, or maybe looking at our Presidential primary so far, the show is afraid Canadians will make Americans look even dumber.
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A Manhattan lawyer accused of raping a woman in his office says he’s innocent because he has “erectile dysfunction” and had not taken a Viagra on the night in question. I think I almost like “affluenza” better.
The oldest sorority on the University of Michigan campus, Kappa Alpha Theta, has been disbanded for “serious violations,” The chapter had already been suspended for hazing and underage drinking. Well, suppose it’s good to know women can be the equals of men, even if it’s getting a #cantfixstupid
The Redskins have confirmed that RGIII will not return to Washington next season. Wonder if the Browns are interested. At worse RGIII could be disappointing without getting arrested.
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#Facepalm for the day. Travel agency client wants cross country trip next week, so I offer alternatives. He wants a different return, with a flight number that doesn’t exist. Try to explain that. Her response “we didn’t see seats either but we thought you might have better access.”
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If you’ve got this far,. I started this blog in 2007. By WordPress estimates one of you today is my 500,000th reader. So thanks, and hope you didn’t get sent to this site by accident.
Categories: baseball jokes, GOP jokes, travel jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: guantanamo jokes, Janice Hough, nevada jokes, Rubio jokes, sorority jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 17 Comments
February 23, 2016
Another sign of the apocalypse: The Chicago Cubs are 4-1 favorites to win the World Series this year.
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Many SF Giants fans were broken-hearted when Pablo Sandoval left for Boston. As the pictures emerge of a even larger Panda at spring training for the Red Sox, just imagine how upset those fans would be if he’d signed that $90 million offered contract.
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NASA has released an audio recording of Apollo 10 astronauts talking about “outer space type music” from the far side of the moon. Are they sure it wasn’t Pink Floyd?
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Starbucks is changing their rewards program to give customers freebies based on dollars spent not number of visits. Which in most cases means double the visits for a freebie. So the coffee chain wants to be as beloved as the airlines?
Jean Boyd, the retired Texas judge who sentenced ‘affluenza’ teen Ethan Couch to probation in the first place, for his DUI crash that killed four people, says she doesn’t regret the sentence, and ‘don’t have all the facts’ simply don’t understand the logic behind her decision. Shocking. There was “logic” behind her decision? #affluenzaiscatching?
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Apparently a lot of GOP donors are switching to Marco Rubio. So they think he can out debate Hillary Clinton? Rubio couldn’t even out debate Chris Christie.
Donald Trump “I hear the Rickets family, who own the Chicago Cubs, are secretly spending $$$s against me. They better be careful, they have a lot to hide!” Almost expect to hear him say next “before someone drops a house on you too?”
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So Ted Cruz has apparently asked his national spokesman Rick Tyler to step down, after the latest dirty tricks allegation, this time that the Cruz campaign deliberately posted a fake FB story about Rubio. Well, no worries, am sure it will take about 10 minutes for Tyler to be offered a job with Donald Trump.
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Bob Dole has now endorsed Marco Rubio for President. Did Dole say Rubio is the best young candidate he has met since Abe Lincoln?
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Horrible senseless killings in Kalamazoo. But since the San Bernardino killings basically meant all the GOP candidates wanted tougher regulations against immigrants, can expect the same candidates to call for government to impose tougher regulations against Uber drivers?
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So apparently Barbara Bush was the one who got Jeb to drop out, to help preserve the family’s reputation. Shame Jeb didn’t listen to Mom before, when she said there had been “enough Bushes in the White House.”
Categories: baseball jokes, GOP jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Janice Hough, Rubio jokes, spring training jokes, Starbucks jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
February 22, 2016
Denny Hamlin won the #Daytona500 by just six inches. Not surprisingly men who saw the photo thought it was more like a foot.
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#Daytona500 today. The only time of the week millions of #NASCAR fans enjoy watching anyone turn to the left.
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Wonder if even Derek Jeter is thinking this #KobeBryant farewell tour is getting over the top?
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The 2016 #Marlins apparently have a rule against facial hair. Well, not like they are going to have to worry about playoff beards.
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Former Cowboys RB Joseph Randle has been arrested for the 5th time in 17 months. Is Randle trying to prove he still belongs in the NFL?
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SF Giants prospect Ray Black has been clocked at 104 mph. And somewhere Barry Zito is just weeping.
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GOP conventional wisdom always had it that “it should have been Jeb.” Dems now concur. Based on this campaign, were he running against Jeb, Gore wouldn’t have even needed Florida.
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So March Rubio edged Ted Cruz for second in South Carolina tonight: Wonder if Cruz or Trump will be the first to try to hire Chris Christie.
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So the alleged Kalamazoo shooter is a white man with a “typical American family.” Waiting for the first person who figures out a way to try to blame this on Muslims or immigrants.
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Not great publicity for Uber that the Kalamazoo suspect was an Uber driver who was picking up fares between shootings. Let’s hope that while scared residents tried to get home that the company wasn’t also doing surge pricing.
#bustohell #ubertohell?
Mitt Romney apparently has finally decided to endorse Marco Rubio, So until now was he only 47% percent sure?
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Hillary Clinton today was countering criticism that she’s running for President for “selfish reasons.” Give me a break, they’re ALL running for selfish reasons.
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Edward Snowden says he misses the U.S. and is willing to be extradited home if the U.S government guarantees he would get a fair trial where he can make “a public interest defense.” Uh, not sure if Snowden would be convicted or not, but getting media coverage of his defense is not going to be an problem.
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When the lights went out at one of his rallies, Donald Trump used the occasion to lash out at “the dishonest press.” Is that any way to talk about the people who have made it unnecessary for the Donald to pay for any of his publicity?
Categories: baseball jokes, GOP jokes, snowden jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Bush jokes, Cruz jokes, Daytona 500 jokes, Janice Hough, Kobe jokes, Trump jokes
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February 22, 2016
A new study says that coffee may lead to a lower risk of developing cirrhosis from drinking too much alcohol. Well, heck, that calls for an Irish coffee.
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Texas A&M got an upset win at the buzzer against #Kentucky in OT. Wonder how John #Calipari will discipline his players – make them go to class?
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LSU men’s basketball coach Johnny Jones benched star Ben Simmons for the start of tonight’s game against Tennessee because “we had to address some academic stuff with him earlier in the week.” Simmons entered the game after 4 1/2 minutes. 4 1/2 minutes?! Yeah, that will teach him.
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Barry Bonds today “God knows I’m a Hall of Famer.” But wonder how long baseball writers will still think -“The Hall of Fame is reserved for those who played the game with integrity, like Gaylord Perry.”
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Michigan coach Jim Harbaugh is being criticized for taking his football team to Florida for their allowed 20 hours a week practice during spring break. NCAA president Mark Emmert – “They’re having a hard time being students and doing what students want to do.”
Uh, let’s see, the option was staying in wintry Ann Arbor or going to Florida for a week, with free time after practice. And Emmert made his comment with a straight face?
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Marissa Mayer says she can still turn Yahoo around. From one ditch into another ditch?
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Jeb Bush suspended his Presidential campaign. Shocking many people who couldn’t see proof he was actually running one.
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Charles Koch says he agrees with Bernie Sanders that the “system is often rigged to help the privileged few at the expense of everyone else.” Well, and Koch and this brother ought to know. They helped rig it.
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Ted Cruz told his supporters tonight “We have made history.” Trouble is, most of this supporters don’t believe in history. (or math. )
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For the latest contest entry into the “How low can you go?” in this election, I give you Donald Trump’s tweet today:. “I wonder if President Obama would have attended the funeral of Justice Scalia if it were held in a Mosque? Very sad that he did not go! ” #nottheonion
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So Trump likes to denigrate education by saying we spend more per capita than any other country already. But then when he talks about about the military he’s not only okay with spending more than everyone else, he wants to spend more?
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The Georgia Senate passed a bill that that would protect people and organizations from “discriminatory action” by the government, if they opt out of serving any couple – gay or straight — if they cite a sincerely held religious belief or moral conviction regarding marriage.
So what happens when say, someone decides not to serve a couple “living in sin,” or a divorced couple? Or an unwed mother like Bristol Palin?
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From T.C. “Donald Trump reiterated his plan to build a border wall between the US and Mexico. In related news, Las Vegas oddsmakers have just installed Mexico as the favorites in the Olympic pole-vault competition.”
Categories: baseball jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bonds jokes, Bush jokes, Cruz jokes, drinking jokes, Harbaugh jokes, Janice Hough, sanders jokes, Trump jokes
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February 19, 2016
#Spurs 119 #Lakers 113. Kobe Bryant 25 points, Tim Duncan double-double. Another great battle for the aged.
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And here I thought the #Spurs looked rusty after the All Star Break. #Warriors
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The Texas Rangers will host an event this weekend where fans who hit a home run at the ballpark can win season tickets. The Atlanta Braves reportedly will have a scout at the event to offer the winning fan a contract.
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Former #Mets #Dodgers and #SFGiants infielder #JuanUribe has signed with the #Indians. Guess he got tired of all that playoff pressure.
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Jonathan Papelbon has publicly apologized for choking Bryce Harper. Since Dusty Baker is the new Nationals manager, have to wonder if starting the season in long relief was a possible alternative.
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Serious post for a change – R.I.P. former SF Giants player and manger Jim Davenport, 82, and former Oakland A’s infielder Tony Phillips, 56. 82 is sad, 56 is way way way too young.
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Okay, a well-publicized story about a Detroit woman giving birth to her 14th child from 14 different fathers turns out to be fake. We should have known better, she wasn’t also the first woman to play in the NFL.
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Harper Lee has passed away at the age of 89. Hope it wasn’t all those reviews of “Go Set a Watchman” that killed her.
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Because of a flight delay, Chinese airline Hainan put two women, who didn’t know each other, up in a hotel near the airport. They ended up with an “erotic” room with whips, chains etc. Men are reading this and thinking “Just another way in which U.S. airlines lag foreign carriers.”
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Apparently the U.S. no-fly list may have resulted in security problems and boarding delays for many Canadian children who have similar names to those on the list, even on flights within Canada. So assume their response is #BlameAmerica
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The University of Texas has announced that they will soon allow students to carry handguns on campus. Well, since most students are under 21, fortunately there’s no chance any of them will be able to drink while they carry. #sarcasm
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Robert Jeffress, pastor of the First Baptist Dallas church, says of Pope Francis’s comments about Christians not building walls: “The pope needs to ask for Donald Trump’s forgiveness for sing such an outlandish thing,” Once again, this is putting a whole new meaning on #Jesuswept
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#youcantmakethisstuffup Donald Trump has tweeted out a call for a boycott of Apple until the company agrees to unlock the San Bernadino shooter’s phone. He sent the tweet on his iPhone.
More of this “stuff” you can’t make up. Marco Rubio now says on “day one” of his presidency, he will stop protecting “Dreamers,” (undocumented immigrants who came to the U.S as children) from deportation. Great way to pay it forward for someone who was himself an anchor baby.
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Sen. Ted Cruz, with the latest rationale for not holding Senate hearings for whoever Obama nominates to the Supreme Court. “I think that hearing would end up very politicized. And I don’t think it would be fair to the nominee.”
George Orwell would be SO proud.
Saw this trending on FB: “Jaimie Alexander and Peter Facinelli: Couple Ends Their Engagement, Representatives Say.” Anyone but me going “Who?”
Categories: baseball jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, gun jokes, harper lee, Janice Hough, Spurs jokes, Texas jokes, Trump jokes, Warriors jokes
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February 18, 2016
How can you not love the SF Giants’ Matt Duffy. Or at least his cat Skeeter?
the caption from duffcat35 –
“said goodbye to Matty this morning. Season, here we come! #evenyear #springtraining #arizona #duffman #duffcat
Most #SFGiants fans were unhappy to see Pablo Sandoval leave but this year they have to be thrilled to have Matt Duffy, a 3rd baseman who is not only younger and about $18.5 million a year cheaper, but whose only weight issues belong to his cat.
It just gets better. Now Yankees COO Lonn Trost says he doesn’t like fans who paid retail selling tickets cheaply on sites like Stubhub: “It’s not that we don’t want that fan to sell it, but that fan is sitting there having paid a substantial amount of money for a ticket and (another) fan picks it up for a buck-and-a-half and sits there, and it’s frustrating to the purchaser of the full amount. And quite frankly, the fan may be someone who has never sat in a premium location. So that’s a frustration to our existing fan base.”
Clearly, they need a violin section to fill those premium empty seats….#thehumanity
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Coach Mike Krzyzewski says he will still coach the U.S. Olympic team, despite planned knee replacement surgery after the NCAA season is over. Hmm, thought the only active big name in basketball old enough for knee replacement surgery was Tim Duncan.
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Colts linebacker Jonathan Newsome was arrested near Indianapolis last night and JAILED over two counts of marijuana possession. Add another to the list of potential free agents who want to sign with the Denver Broncos.
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Adele said “‘I cried pretty much all day” after the Grammys. Maybe she can write a song about the experience.
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With this Apple/San Bernadino thing I think I’ve figured out many Americans’ approach to privacy – the government should do everything necessary to keep me safe, as long as it doesn’t involve my own personal information.
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The Tax Policy Center analyzed Ted Cruz’s proposed 10% flat tax and said not only would it favor the wealthy, but it would cost the country $8.6 trillion over a decade. Waiting for Cruz to respond that numbers have a liberal bias.
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Thinking Will Rogers never met #DonaldTrump or #TedCruz.
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Pope Francis on Trump. “A person who thinks only about building walls, wherever they may be, and not building bridges, is not Christian,” Going to be fun now to see the Donald attack the Pope.
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Walmart is giving all their employees pay raises this year, so the average full-time worker will make $13.38. (about $25,000 a year.) Part-timers will get an an average hourly wage of $10.58. They say it will cost them $1.6 billion for their 1.4 million workers.
By comparison Walmart’s top 6 executives make a combined total of $76 million….
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After a DNA test, Bristol Palin has apparently conceded in a custody and support battle that former fiance Dakota Meyer is the father of her 2 month old daughter. So how many options were there? #abstinenceambassador
Sandra Day O’Connor, who thinks Obama should nominate a new Supreme Court judge, and the Senate confirm him or her. “We need somebody in there to do the job and just get on with it.”
Three words “You go girl.”
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As the conspiracy theories fly on Scalia, the Borowitz Report once again has it right: “The only suspect I have definitively ruled out is Mitch McConnell,” a leading conspiracy theorist said. “No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t imagine a scenario where he accomplished something.”
Categories: baseball jokes, GOP jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Apple jokes, Cruz jokes, Janice Hough, Pope jokes, SF Giants jokes, spring training jokes, Trump jokes, Walmart jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
Left Coast Sports Babe 