Archive for February 2013
February 28, 2013
Our long Wisconsin nightmare is over. The Milwaukee Brewers’ running Italian sausage, “Guido”, had been missing,, until two mystery men dropped off the costume in a bar. Wonder if they decided any plan to hold the sausage for ransom wouldn’t cut the mustard.
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A class-action suit claims Anheuser-Busch is watering down their beer. With all due respect, how would Budweiser drinkers know?
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Old 49er quarterbacks never die, they just move to Kansas City.
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A new company “Powerful Yogurt,” is trying to overcome the image of yogurt as women’s food by making a Greek yogurt “for men by men.” What, does it taste like beer?
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54% of California registered voters who responded to a recent Field survey supported legalizing marijuana for recreational use. Which is impressive considering the number of probable “yes” voters who just forgot to respond to the survey.
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Larry Flynt told “Hollywood Reporter” he has been working on a two year campaign to out a prominent anti-gay GOP congressman. Not sure who will be happier if he succeeds, Democrats, gays, or the nation’s comedy writers.
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The NFL says they are investigating reports that teams at the scouting combines asked prospects about their sexual preference. Have to assume that many of the young men involved if asked what their sexual preference was would simply reply “frequently.”
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Joint effort with my friend Pete Brody, who saw a man at Orlando International Airport with T-shirt saying “There are only 2 types of women: those who use brooms and those that ride on them”. Where is a crazy woman (or dog) taking advantage of Florida’s loose gun laws when we need them?
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Only silver lining with the Stanford men’s third consecutive home basketball loss – 65-63 to Colorado – Wednesday night? Doesn’t look like the players will have any distraction from final exams this March.
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Lane Kiffin said that if former USC QB Matt Barkley had the defense that Matt Leinart and Carson Palmer had, he would have won the Heisman Trophy just like they did. Hmm, and what if Barkley had had the head coach they did….?
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As the potential “sequester” approaches, NJ Governor Chris Christie criticized both parties for not providing “bipartisanship and leadership.” If Christie really wants to motivate folks in Washington, maybe he could just threaten to sit on them.
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Justice Antonin Scalia today referred to the Voting Rights Act as “perpetuation of racial entitlement.” And somewhere MLK is thinking “I have a nightmare.”
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Better line from my friend Todd Harris, “Anyone notice that the Voting Rights Act is “out of date” because it’s about 50 years old, but the nearly 250 year old 2nd Amendment is ever current.?”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, beer jokes, Janice Hough, Milwaukee Brewers sausage jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
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February 27, 2013
A woman was only slightly injured in Florida after she tried to preheat an oven where her friend had stored a magazine from his Glock. And when the heated magazine exploded. Forget background checks for gun owners, maybe we need to start with IQ tests.
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A thought about former Surgeon General, C. Everett Koop, who just died at the age of 96, was a conservative evangelical Christian. But he supported condoms and sex education in schools to help stop the spread of AIDS. These days some in the GOP would have called for his recall.
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Lindsay Lohan’s new lawyer is in trouble for sending a letter to the Santa Monica and L.A. City Attorneys claiming he is working with the prosecutor to “fix” Lindsay. “Fix Lindsay Lohan?” It would be easier to turn this into a bipartisan session of Congress.
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N.J. Gov. Chris Christie today became the eighth GOP Governor who, while decrying Obamacare, decided he would accept the portion that expands Medicaid to more low-income adults in his state. So should we start a pool on who will be ninth? (Or as my friend Linda asks, “who will be last?”)
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Angels’ manager Mike Scioscia says he’s not worried about the apparent 10-15 extra pounds Mike Trout packed on in the offseason. The young man after all is still only about half a Panda.
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Miss Delaware Teen USA, who just turned 18, has given up her crown after she was reportedly seen in a sex video. On the brighter side, the precocious young woman could be named an honorary Kardashian.
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The California Legislative Women’s Caucus formally complained Wednesday to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences that Seth MacFarlane’s Oscar hosting “struck a new low in its treatment of women.” Uh oh, has anyone warned these folks about that “50 Shades” moving coming out?
(And I realize not all my women friends will agree with me here, but come on, Seth MacFarlane, what did they EXPECT? Especially if any one’s seen “Family Guy.” Maybe he should have also done a reprise of the SNL skit “D*ck in a box.”)
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Another Oscar thought from Alex Kaseberg: ” The Oscar show was so long, during the broadcast, Taylor Swift dated a guy, broke up with him, and then wrote and recorded a song about what a jerk he was before it was over.”
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From my funny friend Jim Barach, (this one’s for my son, Carey Schwartz.) : “Scientists say that Mars may still be inhabitable today. After all, look at how many people are still living in New Jersey.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Florida jokes, gun jokes, Janice Hough, Oscar jokes, spring training jokes
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February 26, 2013
Johnny Damon, 39, apparently would love a chance to play for the Yankees again in the wake of the injury to Curtis Granderson. To fit in with the rest of their team, New York, however, is presumably looking for someone with more experience.
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Not sure about all the music at this year’s Oscars. But that Jaws music cue has potential for political speeches.
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Is “the Bachelor” contractually obligated to say “this is the hardest decision I’ve ever made in my life” a certain number of times per show?
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The Bachelor talks about falling in love with two women who he can both see becoming his wife. Wonder how many calls Sean will get from people offering to convert him to Mormonism.
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Oops, John Kerry said today in a speech about the State Dept that they support democratic institutions in Kyrzakhstan…” Wonder who in the GOP will be the first to say “More party politics, what about Republican institutions in Kyrzakhstan?”
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A “crippling, historic blizzard” has the National Weather Service in Amarillo, Texas posting “DO NOT TRAVEL” on its website. Maybe Mother Nature isn’t too pleased about Governor Perry’s trying to talk businesses into leaving California for Texas.
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Manti Te’o’s 40-yd dash time today at the NFL combine was 4.82 seconds, 20th out of 26 linebackers. At this point, forget the imaginary girlfriend, Teo’s looking like an imaginary first-round pick.
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The government of Iceland is planning to ban print and online pornography. Some citizens are upset – they’re called “men.”
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Sorry, when a company has you on hold for over half an hour and they are telling you “your business is EXTREMELY important to us,” what they should be saying “your business is not nearly as important to us as keeping costs down by not hiring enough people to answer our phones.”
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Rough month for the Vatican. Scottish Cardinal Keith O’Brien has resigned before the papal conclave, after 3 priests and a former priest alleged he tried to seduce them. Could be worse. At least the allegations involve adults.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Janice Hough, john kerry jokes, Oscars jokes, Seth MacFarlane jokes, The Bachelor jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
February 25, 2013
As Johnny Carson once said as Oscar host “this is the night we honor movies And what happens? Millions of people watching televison. No one in the movie theaters.”
Anyone else think “We Saw Your Boobs” is a better Oscar song than “It’s Tough Out There for a Pimp?”
Still a lot of talk Monday morning about Seth MacFarlane’s “We Saw Your Boobs” song last night at the Oscars. Not to be confused with C-Span, which is “We See You Boobs.”
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Not sure about all the music at this year’s Oscars. But that Jaws music cue has potential for political speeches.
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The shoemaker’s children…. women who just won for hair styling and makeup might have had the worst hair and makeup of the night.
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One of the most amusing things about the Oscar ceremony…. how some of these actresses can be wearing clothes that cost more than an average American’s average salary, and still look like they didn’t get dressed in front of a mirror.
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Jane Fonda, 75, looks better than many actresses half her age. Maybe that commie-pinko youth is good for you.
Now that Anne Hathaway has won her #Oscar maybe she can grow her hair out again and eat something?
In Benedict’ XVI’s last Sunday address in St. Peter’s Square the Pope said he was following God’s wishes by stepping down. “Why didn’t I think of that?” said Sarah Palin.
A “crippling, historic blizzard” has the National Weather Service in Amarillo, Texas posting “DO NOT TRAVEL” on its website. Maybe Mother Nature isn’t too pleased about Governor Perry’s trying to talk businesses into leaving California for Texas.
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Kim Kardashian’s baby daddy, Kanye West on Saturday: “The Grammys can suck my d–k.” And he’s supposed to be the classier of the two future parents.
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Fauja Singh, 101, finished the Hong Kong marathon’s 10k today, in 1 hour, 32 minutes, and says it is his last race. “Quitting so young?” responded Brett Favre.
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Oakland Raiders’ DT Desmond Bryant, a Harvard graduate, has been jailed in Miami on a misdemeanor charge of criminal mischief. Who says Ivy League graduates never fit in in the NFL?
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Yahoo has upset many employees by telling them they can no longer telecommute starting in June, a change which is particularly hard on working parents. This is the kind of thing that wouldn’t happen if you had more women running companies…. Oops, never mind.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Academy Awards jokes, janice houghar, Oscar jokes, Pope jokes, Yahoo jokes
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February 24, 2013
It’s apt that the Oscars happen just a few weeks before March madness. Millions of Americans can pretend to care about movies they’ve never seen, right before rooting for college basketball teams they’ve never heard of.
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The Daytona 500 infield… whitest crowd I’ve seen since watching a Mitt Romney rally.
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As far as predictions, forget “Best Picture.” What many people really wonder – Who is Seth MacFarlane most likely to offend?
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A spectacular crash at the end of the Nationwide race at Daytona injured 28 fans as debris flew into the stands. Forget Danica Patrick. Replayed footage of the whole mess may be what really gets many casual fans to turn into the Daytona 500 tomorrow.
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The U.S. Department of Justice announced they have joined the whistle-blower lawsuit against cyclist Lance Armstrong. Hey, if they win enough maybe we can keep post office delivery on Saturdays.
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Manti T’eo about the media circus surrounding him at the NFL combine “It’s pretty crazy.” Uh, yeah, Manti, that’s exactly America thinks of your story.
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Great sign of impending Spring in the San Francisco Bay Area: Jon Miller doing play-by-play on the radio.
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So now that 2013 Spring Training has started, how long until Cubs fans break out their “Wait until 2014” t-shirts?
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Los Angeles’s Cardinal Mahony says he has been “scapegoated” in the priest abuse scandal and that “Jesus was painted with the same brush as the two thieves crucified with him.” Next he’ll complain that people aren’t getting the church’s message of personal responsibility.
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My friend Melodi says “At least Pope Benedict can’t claim he’s retiring to spend more time with his family.”
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Steve Nash, Mike D’Antoni and Dwight Howard stood behind Kobe Bryant’s guarantee that the Los Angeles Lakers will make the playoffs. Well, what are they supposed to say, we’ve all booked our Hawaii vacations for the first weekend of the playoffs?
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What would have been a bigger surprise before last season – that Barry Zito has been announced as starting the Giants home opener? Or that SF fans are actually happy about it?
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Friday night was the 33rd anniversary of the “Miracle on Ice” hockey victory against the Soviet Union. Many hockey fans don’t remember the game. But many more may be asking “What’s the ‘Soviet Union?”
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Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Daytona 500 jokes, Janice Hough, Lance Armstrong jokes, Oscar jokes, spring training jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
February 22, 2013
Okay, for any woman who didn’t like the way her hair or her clothes looked today, cheer up, it could have been much worse. Kim Kardashian’s newest maternity style:
Rush Limbaugh said today “I am ashamed of my country.” And most of our country responded – “Funny, that’s the same way we feel about you.”
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Justin Timberlake and Jay-Z have announced a summer tour that includes a stop at Yankee Stadium July 19. And unlike A-Rod, both promise to deliver some serious hits.
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Johan Santana’s first Spring Training start has been pushed back two weeks, although NY Mets GM Sandy Alderson says the pitcher isn’t injured. Guess Santana needs time to head to Brooklyn to look at that bridge he’s going to buy?
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Outgoing transportation secretary Ray LaHood says that triggered budget cuts may result in 90 minute flight delays. If so, wait for the airlines to add an “boarding area overtime usage fee.”
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New York Knicks GM Glen Grunwald thinks the team can win the NBA championship this year. Even Cubs fans are thinking “this man is delusional.”
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Six young adults have been stabbed, none with life threatening injuries, in a brawl on the street outside a downtown Los Angeles nightclub. Gosh, if they had only had guns to protect themselves.
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If automatic spending cuts go into effect March 1, one group that won’t see their $174,000 salaries cut is Congress. Because the 27th Amendment prohibits members from changing their pay until after the next election. Uh, how hard would it be to write a check to the U.S. Treasury?
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More on Oscar Pistorius, coach Ampie Loew says he would like to see the Olympics star back in training as early as Monday “as a means to shifting his mind onto more positive things than the bloody events of Valentine’s Day morning and the fatal shooting of Steenkamp.” Wow. Get out the violins for the poor guy…..
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From my funny friend Jim Barach, “A report says that 38% of restaurants mistakenly label the type of fish they serve. For instance, there are several dishes at Red Lobster that are labeled as “fish”.
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The Golden State Warriors center Andrew Bogut is out “indefinitely.” So congrats to all those who had February 22 in the latest pool.
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Can’t decide what’s more amazing… that the NBA San Antonio Spurs are so consistently good, or that they manage to do it with so little drama.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Kardashian jokes, Mets jokes, NBA jokes
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February 22, 2013
The NFL apparently wants to move their combine, the start of free agency, and the draft, to early March, April and May respectively. This so the league has one “big event” each month during the offseason. Well, other than arrests.
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If Oscar Pistorius is released on bail, his coach said the “Blade Runner” will resume training next week. And here Nike thought Tiger Woods’ marital issues made him an embarrassing spokesperson.
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At this point the Pistorius investigation is inviting comparisons to the O.J. Simpson case. But so far, compared to the South Africans, the LAPD is looking competent.
Former Illinois sergeant Drew Peterson was sentenced to 38 years for the drowning death of his third wife, Kathleen Savio. The case shocked state residents. They’re not used to sending policemen to prison, only politicians.
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The NY Post reported that Lindsay Lohan ended up ruining a $1750 dress she borrowed for Fashion Week. Shocking. Who would be stupid enough to loan Lindsay a dress
Bill Littlejohn, on Art Imitating Life. “Lew Temple — Axel from The Walking Dead — was once a scout for the Houston Astros.”
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Indiana’s state Senate advanced a bill to “protect women’s safety” by requiring an transvaginal ultrasound both before and after having a first trimester abortion. Well, while they’re at it, how about protecting men’s safety by requiring a rectal ultrasound before and after a prostrate exam?
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The lawyer for the former mayor of Bell, California, who is on trial for misappropriating funds, says his client was too uneducated to realize that his $100,000 salary for a part-time job was illegal. I think I like “fell into a lifeboat” better.
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Welcome to America. Quote from a English tourist about the shootout on the Las Vegas Strip this morning: “This doesn’t happen where we come from. We get stabbings, but this is like something out of a movie. Like ‘Die Hard’ or something.”
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Back to the Oscar show. Okay, maybe this is U.S.-centric, but I’m having a hard time imagining how a detective who is facing an attempted murder charge even gets on another murder case in the first place.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Oscar Pistorius jokes, Pistorius jokes
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February 21, 2013
Mark Hamill, 61, says that his Luke Skywalker character will probably appear in the new Star Wars movie. This time of course, with Skywalker using a Sky Walker.
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You cannot make this “stuff” up: Former N.M Senator Pete Domenici, who voted to impeach Clinton, now admits he had an out-of-wedlock son 30 years ago himself. (With the daughter of Paul Laxalt, who was a Senator from Nevada at the time.) Ah, family values.
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Holland America is going to have a “Dancing with the Stars” cruise. Well, for some men we’ve probably got a vacation prospect less appealing than going on the Carnival Triumph.
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One way in which celibacy will make Pope Benedict’s retirement easier: He won’t be dealing with a wife saying “Infallibility, schmallibility, just take the damn garbage out.”
Now it turns out the lead detective in the Oscar Pistorius case is himself facing attempted murder charges? Who knew that the South African police might end up making the LAPD with the O.J. Simpson case look good?
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Good thing at least in the Pistorius case no gloves seem to be involved. Yet.
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But seriously, while no one absolutely knows what happened that night, anyone doubt that if Pistorius had been a non-celebrity with this story about shooting his girlfriend , they’d already be discussing sentencing and plea bargains?-
UCF, (University of Central Florida), just became a D1 football school in 1996. Today the school shut down most fraternity and sorority activities as it investigates two frats for alleged hazing and alcohol abuse. Guess it didn’t take the UCF Greek system long to advance to the big time.
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The Univ. of North Dakota suspended men’s basketball announcer Paul Ralston for two games after he used the phrase “choke job” regarding a recent loss. During his suspension wonder if Ralston has been offered the chance to do announce spring training games for the Chicago Cubs.
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Former U.S. Rep. Jesse Jackson pleaded guilty to misusing campaign funds, saying in a statement: “I offer no excuses for my conduct and I fully accept my responsibility for the improper decisions and mistakes I have made.” What? No blaming it on the media or his enemies? The guy clearly doesn’t belong in politics.
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A legal claim filed in Antioch, California accused a teacher of duct-taping an 8-year old boy’s mouth to keep him quiet. Which if true, is awful. Duct-tape has no place as a silencer involving children – unless it’s used on the parents of Little Leaguers.
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From Tony Alan Banks: “Roger Clemens needs to be tested. For Massengill or Summer’s Eve.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Carnival jokes, Janice Hough, Oscar Pistorius jokes, Star Wars jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
February 19, 2013
Celine Dion has had to cancel this week’s concerts at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas theatre because she is suffering from sinusitis. “What an awful shame,” said thousands of women with tickets. “Dodged that bullet” said their husbands and boyfriends.
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Roger Clemens, who Mindy McCready said she had a 10 year relationship with, starting when she was 15, issued this statement today about her death by suicide: ” Yes, that is sad news. I had heard that she was trying to get peace and direction in her life. The few times that I had met her and her manager/agent they were extremely nice.” Once a douchebag, always a douchebag.
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Police in a small New York town arrested a mother who hired two strippers for her son’s 16th birthday party. And here I remember the days when hiring a pony was considered over-the-top.
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Alec Baldwin making news for a confrontation with a photographer….. This is turning into a real-life version of “Groundhog Day.”
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FIFA said today they will use goal-line technology at the 2014 World Cup. Now if they can just get experienced actors or drama teachers to judge flops.
Really?! Thanks to a $6 million donation, Florida Atlantic University has announced their brand-new stadium will be dubbed “GEO Group Stadium.” GEO is the U.S.’s second largest operator of for-profit PRISONS. Wouldn’t it have been more appropriate for them to partner with the Cincinnati Bengals?
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Rumor is that the NCAA soon plans to accuse the University of Miami of a “lack of institutional control.” Yes, this is the SAME investigation where the NCAA fired their own V.P. of enforcement over “shocking” missteps. Pot, kettle. Kettle, pot.
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Got to wonder about that New Orleans voodoo. Tonight was the FIRST day since the 49ers lost in the Super Bowl that a San Francisco Bay Area team won a game. (It was the San Jose Sharks. The Golden State Warriors are still winless.)
We have criminal trials for a reason, so no need to rush to judgment but at this point O.J. Simpson is thinking Oscar Pistorius’s story sounds a bit farfetched.
Wonder how long it will take the NRA to say that if Oscar Pictorius only had another gun in his bathroom his girlfriend might be alive today…..
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And for that matter, at least four people are dead in a Orange County, California shooting spree that started at a home and ended up on the freeways. Waiting for NRA statement saying we should start driving with hands-free guns.
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Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: janice hough jokesCeline Dion jokes, NCAA jokes, NRA jokes, Oscar Pictorius jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
February 18, 2013
Downton Abbey Season 3 Finale was Sunday night, along with the NBA All-Star Game. One is about rich, pampered and privileged people who live in a fantasy world; the other is a BBC series.
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At this point the situation in DC is such that if President Obama came out with a resolution praising motherhood and apple pie, the GOP would accuse him of being anti-fathers and disrespectful of other fruits.
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Just in time for Lincoln’s birthday, the state of Mississippi on Feb 7, 2013, finally officially ratified the 13th amendment abolishing slavery. Who says the South is backwards?
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Sorry to hear of the death of longtime Lakers owner, Jerry Buss. On the bright side, he doesn’t have to watch any more of this season.
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Congrats to Danica Patrick, who won the pole for the Daytona 500. Let the pole-dancing jokes begin.
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Just a nasty story about that 60 year old man who is accused of using a racial slur and slapping a crying 2 year old on a flight earlier this month. What kind of scumbag slaps a young child on a plane? Now, slapping a few parents, I can see the temptation….
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Really?! Lots of people talk too loud on their cellphone, but woman in an airport lounge is reading her credit card number, expiration date and security code loud enough to hear it across the room. Economic Darwinism in action?
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Although Facebook earned more $1.1 billion in 2012, a tax break for executive stock options meant that the company not only paid no federal/state taxes, they will actually get tax refunds of $429 million. And some will still say businesses can’t afford to operate in California….
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Maker’s Mark says that customer feedback has caused the company to reverse their decision to cut their whiskey from 90 to 84 proof due to a “supply shortage.” Well, guess this answers that question – “What happened to the guy who came up with the idea for New Coke?”
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Tampa Bay DE Da’Quan Bowers was arrested today at La Guardia airport after police found a loaded handgun in his carry-on bag. Jeez, what was he thinking? Trying to get traded to the Bengals?.
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Spring training games haven’t even started and the season’s first error? Josh Hamilton told a Dallas tv station last weekend that the DFW area is “not a true baseball town.” (April 22, mark your calendar, when the Angels play the Rangers in Arlington.)
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CBS pulled their new reality series “The Job” after two episodes. In fact the ratings were so bad they’re considering picking up the show at NBC.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Downton Abbey jokes, facebook jokes, Janice Hough, NBA jokes, Republican jokes, spring training jokes, travel jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
February 17, 2013
CNN’s nonstop coverage of the Carnival Triumph story apparently got the network a 74% jump in their ratings. Ecstatic executives are trying to figure out how much of a bribe it will take to get a crewman to start another cruise ship engine fire.
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Once the ship was finally towed into Mobile, most passengers on the Carnival Triumph went out of their way to praise the crew. And yet we KNOW there were at least a few folks who were mad that for the last nights they didn’t get towel animals on their beds.
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Roland Martin of CNN wrote a column entitled “Pope Benedict shows true leadership by resigning.” So where is the denunciation of the “lame-stream” media on this one by Sarah Palin?
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The Vatican said that because of Pope Benedict’s resignation, they may speed up the conclave to replace him. Perhaps they could really go modern and have Catholics text the word “Pope” to different numbers for various candidates.
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Not generally a LeBron James fan, but do love educated trash talking: His response to Michael Jordan’s saying Kobe Bryant was a better player than Lebron because he had five rings: “Rings don’t always define someone’s career. If that’s the case, then I’d sit up here and say I would take (Bill) Russell over Jordan. But I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t take Russell over Jordan. Russell has 11 rings, Jordan has six. I wouldn’t do that.”
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Weaker sex my a**. How come women professional athletes are able to come out of the closet while they are still competing, and men only do so when they retire?
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Not saying some of the contestants looked sloopy, but at times last night the NBA dunk contest looked like a Shaquille O’Neal free throw contest.
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Good weekend to be a Los Angeles Lakers fan – the only few days in the the NBA season where there’s no chance of the team embarrassing itself.
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Apparently NFL commissioner Roger Goodell earned $29.49 million in 2011. No wonder the league needs to levy all those fines.
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Oscar Pistorius’s uncle says the Olympic athlete is “numb with shock, as well as grief” after the death of his model girlfriend. “I feel so sorry for him” said few men and practically no women.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Carnival jokes, Janice Hough, pope Benedict jokes, Pope jokes, Triumph jokes
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February 15, 2013
Silver lining department: Never have so many people been so happy to arrive in Mobile, Alabama.
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The Carnival Triumph cruise turned into days of some booze, limited food, overflowing toilets and foul odors. In other words, a floating frat house.
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Understatement of the year award to Gerald R. Cahill, CEO of Carnival: “We pride ourselves on providing our guests a great vacation experience. Clearly, we failed in this particular case.”
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Kevin Youkilis, who yesterday said “I’ll always be a Red Sock”, today came out with “I’m a Yankee today, and I’m excited.” Wow! Youkilis changed positions so fast you have to wonder if he has future plans to run for office.
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Rabbits have been eating the wiring of cars parked at Denver International Airport by eating spark plug cables. Parking companies are building “better” fences and adding perches for predators like hawks and eagles. Large numbers of large birds near an airport, what could possibly go wrong?
All this hullabaloo about Chuck Hagel, a combat veteran. Can you imagine if President Obama had nominated a draft-dodger for Secretary of Defense, you know, someone like Dick Cheney?
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Rough weekend decisions coming up for Congressional Republicans. Do they blame Obama for the Carnival Triumph fiasco or the meteorite hitting Russia?
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Back aboard the bus, or rather, the ship to hell- How about songs to play in honor of the Carnival Triumph? My starter suggestions: “Slip sliding away.” “Stuck in the middle with you.” “The Night the Lights Went out in Georgia,” “Where do we go from here?” “Stuck on you,” “Smoke on the water….”
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Reports are that Harrison Ford will once again play Han Solo in an upcoming Star Wars movie. Only this time the quote would be “I’ve got a bad feeling about this, if I could remember what it is.”
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In his new book, “Long Shot,” Mike Piazza is now blaming Vin Scully, (Vin Scully?!) for causing Dodgers fans to boo him in his final weeks with the team. Forget steroids, the “S” that will keep Piazza from ending up a beloved Los Angeles icon is “stupid.”
From T.C. “American Airlines and US Airways have formally announced they plan to merge. This deal was supposed to finalize sometime in 2009, but it’s been delay after delay after delay……”
First Manny Ramirez, now Mark McGwire is wearing Dodger Blue as a hitting coach…. SF Giants fans are accepting apologies for all those steroid remarks Los Angeles fans made about Barry Bonds.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Alabama jokes, Carnival Cruise jokes, Carnival Triumph jokes, cruise ship jokes, Janice Hough, Yankees jokes
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February 14, 2013
Okay, someone somewhere with time on their hands is going to rewrite the Gilligan’s Island song….
“Oh this is a tale of our Carnival, we’re here for a long long while… Have to make the best of things, it’s a poop-filled time…” Etc. (folks feel free to add.)
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One couple on the stricken Carnival Triumph was married aboard the ship Saturday. Well, they’re certainly getting the “for worse” out of the way in a hurry.
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RGIII’s rehab from reconstructive knee surgery is going so well that the Washington Redskins officials believe he has a legitimate chance to be injured again in the 2013 opener.
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Only two games on the NBA schedule Feb 14 going into All-Star Weekend. This is actually unfortunate for many players. Means they had to make the tough choice about spending Valentine’s Day with which one of the mothers of their children.
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President Obama spent part of of his day hanging out with preschoolers at an Early Childhood Learning Center in Georgia. Must have been a nice change to deal with people who are more mature than Congress.
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Had enough of being tagged in all of these “Two free tickets on Southwest scam” photos. Presumably anyone who tries to claim them can go with Manti Teo’s girlfriend?
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Okay Mark Zuckerberg, if you can get the Governor of New Jersey to your house for a fundraiser (as happened last night) then you can hire someone competent enough to block the “Free Southwest Tickets” spammer on Facebook. Have gotten four or five today.
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Kevin Youkilis said in an interview at Spring Training that he’ll “always be a Red Sock”, and he’ll “never be Alex Rodriguez.” New York Yankees fans are thinking they’ll forgive him for the former if he’ll promise the latter.
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West coast problems: Trying to decide whether or not to turn on office air conditioning in February.
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Generally there are few things less special than anything referenced in an email titled “A special offer just for you.”
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A last serious thought for the night. While I know Carnival will be giving all kinds of compensation to passengers on the Triumph, I hope the cruise line also remembers to give some serious extra compensation to the crew. Because while minimum-wage and immigration are also in the news, here’s something travelers may not know: Cruise line employees aren’t illegal. But because those lines register ships in foreign countries, they don’t even have to pay U.S. minimum wage – housekeeping and restaurant staff are basically working for tips.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Carnival jokes, Carnival Triumph jokes, cruising jokes, Janice Hough, Southwest free tickets scam, spring training jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
February 14, 2013
NY Yankees catcher Francisco Cervelli is the latest player to deny getting PED’s from Biogenesis, the Florida anti-aging clinic currently under investigation by MLB. Right, and most men found in brothels only stopped in to use the restrooms.
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Scott Brown is joining Fox News. A decision that many in Massachusetts will view as a more embarrassing way to earn money than his college gig posing nude for Cosmo.
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Bus to Hell time. So how long before some fried chicken restaurant offers a Chris Dorner “Extra Crispy” special?
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My funny friend Abbe Nelson says “I think Christopher Dorner is taking Ash Wednesday a bit too seriously today.”
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Way to go Marco Rubio. While he’s talking about the GOP plans to fix America, he’s drinking “Poland Spring” water, sold in the U.S., but bottled by a subsidiary of Swiss giant Nestle.
Steve Martin, 67, announced he became a first time father to a baby boy in December. There’s a certain symmetry – both father and son could end up in diapers at the same time.
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UK freshman forward Nerlens Noel is out for the season and the NCAA tournament with a torn ACL. Since he’s a probable first round draft pick, wonder if Noel’s thinking “So I went to class for NOTHING?”
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First reports said 4,000 passengers were on the stricken Carnival Triumph, today CNN reports there are 3,143 passengers. Let’s hope it’s just confusion, and 857 people didn’t decide to try to swim home.
Conditions are apparently far from ideal on that stricken Carnival Cruise ship, but they are giving out free booze. What could possibly go wrong?
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Headline “Pope Benedict confident his resignation will not hurt Catholic Church.” What, more than his tenure as Pope already has?
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So in last night’s SOTU drinking game, anyone get bonus points for predicting one of the speakers would actually also be drinking?
New York Mets’ owner Fred Wilpon says the team’s money woes are over. Their woes on the field on the other hand…..
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Carnival Triumph jokes, Dorner jokes, Marco Rubio jokes, PED jokes, state of the union jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
February 13, 2013
So who has bigger hangovers this Wednesday? Folks who were at Mardi Gras, or those who played State of the Union drinking games?
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President Obama said that the American people expect us to put our Nation’s interests before Party. Some probably want to impeach him for that.
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President Obama says he wants to fix bridges before they fall down. Okay, which GOP governor is going to stand up first and say we don’t need that wasteful government spending in our state?
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So what SOTU drinking game was #MarcoRubio playing?
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Note to Senator Marco Rubio: Government probably spent money to make sure that water tonight was safe for you to drink.
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Marco Rubio says President Obama’s economic plans will hurt the middle class. Shocking. Rubio believes there still is a middle class?
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LAPD reported late this afternoon that Chris Dorner is dead. Uh, did they see the last episode of “House?”
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So while we wait to see for sure if Chris Dorner is alive or dead, a question – How long until the made-for-tv movie comes out?
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So many conflicting stories. Next I expect to hear that the body that was found or not found in that burning Big Bear cabin was Lennay Kekua.
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For those who try to find a silver lining in everything, at least passengers on the Carnival Triumph out of Galveston won’t have gained weight on their cruise.
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Darwin would be so proud. A 52 year old man who was a daily customer and unofficial spokesman for the Las Vegas restaurant “Heart Attack Grill” which serves things like an over 9,000 calorie “Quadruple Bypass Burger,” went into cardiac arrest in front of the restaurant and died..
Four freshmen on Alabama’s national champion football team were suspended today after being arrested and charged with 2nd-degree robbery and credit-card fraud. (One had been arrested 2 days before on a gun charge) Wonder if it’s too late for the players to apply for the NFL draft.
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Robert Reich quotes an Economic Policy Institute study saying that the wealth of the Waltons – Walmart’s founding family – now exceeds the wealth of the bottom 40% of American families COMBINED. And some still think it’s a good idea for everyone to have guns.
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Yes, he said it. John Boehner, when asked if he was ready to talk with President Obama about a path to citizenship for undocumented immigrants: “How about a little foreplay first?” Talk about an indecent proposal.
The IOC voted to drop wrestling from the 2020, instead of the rumored modern pentathlon, which combines shooting, running, swimming, fencing and horseback riding. Well, this ought to reassure those who think the IOC is focused on rich nations.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Carnival jokes, Dorner jokes, janice hough jokes, Marco Rubio jokes, Obama jokes, SOTU jokes, state of the union jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
February 11, 2013
Pope Benedict, 85, is resigning because of his failing health. Too bad, says Larry King, he’s such a nice young man. .
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Actually there’s a special coincidence with this story. The last Pope to resign, Gregory XII, did so in 1415. He was one of the first interviewees on “Larry King Live”
So now that Benedict is quitting, will he write a memoir – “Poping Rogue?”
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Many are still trying to figure out the real reason for Pope Benedict’s sudden resignation. Could an imaginary friend be involved?
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Texas Rep. Steve Stockman is bringing Ted Nugent as his guest to President Obama’s State of the Union speech. Can you imagine if a Democrat had brought someone to a Bush SOTU who had said “if (he) becomes the president in November, again, I will be either be dead or in jail by this time next year.”
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Let’s put this Ted Nugent thing in perspective with a milder comparison: What if a Democratic congressperson had brought the Dixie Chicks to W’s second State of the Union?
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Two men are in jail in New York after being caught with 450 pounds of marijuana in Western New York. Authorities became suspicious when the local 7-11 reported being unable to keep Doritos in stock.
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A-Rod is 37, Jeter 38, Petitte 41, Ichiro 39 and Rivera 43. Even the Los Angeles Lakers are saying these Yankees are OLD.
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A Carnival cruise ship is adrift off the coast of Mexico after an engine fire. Carnival is refunding passengers’ fares, offering them another free cruise, and reimbursing all onboard expenses except for the casino and gift shop. Might be the only cruise in history where people wish they had had a bigger bar bill.
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Police say three people, including two women and the alleged gunman, were shot dead in at a courthouse in Delaware this morning. If we only had armed guards at courthouses. Oh wait. We do. Never mind.
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With this decision on a new Pope, have to wonder just how much the cardinals will move into the modern era. Will Catholics be able to text a vote for their favorites? And will the finalists be given roses?
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SF Giants fans may remember that Sergio Romo wore a t-shirt to the World Series parade that said “I only look illegal.” Think there’s a lot of money to be made right now in shirts saying “I only look like Christopher Dorner.”
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After starting the year 7-0, the San Jose Sharks have lost 5 in a row. Isn’t it a little early in this strike-shortened year for the team to be in playoff form?
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Okay, I’m not a Kobe fan, but give him credit on this one. One of his 1..3 million Twitter followers tweeted “You’re gay” to another fan. Bryant tweeted back “Just letting you know@PacSmoove @pookeo9 that using “your gay” as a way to put someone down ain’t ok! #notcool delete that out ur vocab.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Benedict resigning jokes, Janice Hough, Pope jokes, SOTU jokes, ted nugent jokes
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February 10, 2013
You know you’re getting old when, it’s not that you don’t like the music on the Grammy awards, it’s that you have no idea who some of the acts are.
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Singer Chris Brown says paparazzi caused him to crash his car into a wall in Beverly Hills Saturday night. Wonder how long it will be before Brown denies hitting the wall.
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459,000 people are without power after Nemo. 459,040 when the NY Mets set their active roster after Spring Training.
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Nemo snow total in Central Park – 11 inches. Otherwise known as a Subway Foot.
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Northwestern has announced they will play 5 football games over the next several years at Wrigley Field. Said coach Pat Fitzgerald, “I don’t think anyone has ever had a bad day at Wrigley Field.” He clearly forgot about the guys wearing Cubs uniforms.
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On Friday, USC fired their football offensive coordinator. Because nothing, ever is Lane Kiffin’s fault.
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Tiger Woods has apparently been spending a lot of time with Lindsey Vonn since her skiing accident. Makes sense for Tiger, since Vonn is on crutches, there’s zero chance if it goes south that she can wield a golf club.
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The Boston Red Sox announced that outfield prospect Bryce Brentz accidentally shot himself in the leg last month. The NRA immediately called for legs to be armed.
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Ann Coulter is angry at PBS’s Mark Shields for calling her “The Marie Antoinette of the Conservative press corps.” She’s right. Shields should have called her their Louis XVI.
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There is now a $1 million bounty on fugitive ex-LA cop Charles Dorner. Thinking if you’re a large African-American man in Big Bear might be a good time to take a week away.
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Lindsey Graham said today he’ll block Obama’s nominees for Defense Secretary and CIA director if the White House doesn’t provide more information about Benghazi. Where was Graham’s outrage over, for example, the alleged WMDs?
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Los Angeles Lakers vs. Miami Heat Sunday. ABC could have probably gotten even more viewers if NBA basketball games had the possible outcome of both teams losing.
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Former V.P Dick Cheney that President Barack Obama has jeopardized U.S. national security by nominating substandard candidates for key cabinet posts. I guess Cheney is still bitter that we’re not in the second term of a McCain-Palin administration.
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Three people died in a helicopter crash near Los Angeles while filming a reality show. Many Americans upon hearing the news had two reactions. 1. How horrible. 2. If it had to happen shame it wasn’t during a date on “The Bachelor.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Cubs jokes, Grammys jokes, Janice Hough, Nemo jokes, political jokes, USC jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
February 9, 2013
The New York Knicks, in Minnesota tonight, and the Los Angeles Clippers, in Miami, may not be able to make it to New York in time for their nationally televised game on Sunday. So will David Stern try to fine Mother Nature?
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Meanwhile Roger Goodell somewhere may be asking ‘Just hypothetically, how much would it cost to put a temporary roof on the Meadowlands, just for say, one Sunday in 2014..”
(suddenly that little 34 minute delay at the Super Dome doesn’t seem so bad.)
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The Boston Red Sox and MLB apparently are saying that Curt Schilling’s claim that someone on the Red Sox medical staff suggested he take PED’s in 2008 is “completely baseless.” Translation: Nobody put anything in writing.
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Up in Boston, things are colder than Curt Schilling’s current relations with the Red Sox.
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Despite the imminent blizzard, Justin Bieber fans have remained camped out in New York City in hopes of getting tickets for his SNL appearance. While it would be awful if anyone died, at least they WOULD be removed from the gene pool before breeding.
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Prices at the pump are going up again. Soon the only opportunity for cheap gas may be Taco Bell’s “Value Menu.”
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NY Yankees GM Brian Cashman will pay over $1 million a year in alimony and child support to ex-wife. $1 million a year? For that, the Yankees could almost pay a month’s salary to a middling reliever.
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There’s been an increasing rash of thefts of smartphones lately, especially Apple products. I see a new marketing slogan for Blackberry – “thieves don’t want our phones.”.
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You know it’s been a down year when Los Angeles Lakers fans are excited about a comeback against the Charlotte Bobcats.
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Shawn Marion said that if the Dallas Mavericks trade him to a bad team he won’t go. Wouldn’t it be simpler in that case for Marion just to say he had a shoulder injury?
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Six GOP governors have now at least partially changed their mind about Obamacare and have decided to accept expanding Medicaid for their state’s health insurance programs. Proving again the axiom that “the only truly wasteful government spending is spending that doesn’t benefit me personally.”
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A report on the Sandusky case commissioned by the Paterno family will be released Sunday. According to Sue Paterno, the report will defend her late husband, and question both the Freeh report and the NCAA’s sanctions against Penn State. Even Lance Armstrong is thinking “Give it up already.”
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Hal Steinbrenner said today he’s “concerned about A-Rod.” And millions of Yankees fans said “What took you so long?”
Condoleezza Rice hit a woman in the head with a shot during the Pebble Beach Pro-Am yesterday. Who knew the former Secretary of State had aspirations to be Vice President?
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Boston jokes, Janice Hough, Nemo jokes, New York jokes, Red Sox jokes, snow jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
February 8, 2013
As another blizzard bears down upon the East Coast, after dumping snow and ice on the Midwest, those high California tax rates are looking more and more like a bargain.
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Some might be surprised that Monopoly chose to add a cat token. But the Humane Society did note that 33% of U.S. households own at least one cat. Though they have said “are owned BY at least one cat.”
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Kobe Bryant, talking about Dwight Howard, says he should play with pain. As opposed to Bryant’s longtime Laker teammates who have played with a pain.
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Dwight Howard is firing back at teammates who say he should be playing. The Lakers center said before tonight that just as soon as his shoulder has healed he will be back on the court, regularly, and once again demanding a trade.
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After Dwight Howard returned for tonight’s Lakers-Celtics game, which Boston won 116-95, wonder if Kobe Bryant will tell Howard to relax and take more time off.
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For 5 weeks in a row, the #1 team in college basketball has lost. This title is getting to be as short-lived as #3 in Al-Qaeda.
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Chris Christie told the White House doctor who expressed concern about his weight to “shut up.” If not, the N.J. governor may threaten to sit on her.
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The Oakland Raiders are putting a tarp over “Mt. Davis,” the stadium section which destroyed views for As fans when it was built when the football team returned from L.A. A tarp?! Really!? Wouldn’t it be more effective to use dynamite?
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The Grammys have sent out a memo for stars and performers asking that “buttocks and female breasts” be “adequately covered…Bare sides or under curvature of the breasts is also problematic. Please avoid sheer see-through clothing that could possibly expose female breast nipples.” That crash you heard was ratings for potential straight male viewers.
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Kristin Cavallari, who is engaged to Jay Cutler, said the Bears QB proposed to her via text message. Well, that ought to do wonders for Cutler’s 4th place finish in the “most disliked” athlete poll.
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You can’t make this *stuff” up dept: The Rockies’ Todd Helton, who signed a $141.50 million contract in 2001, was arrested for DUI this weekend. According to police, Helton was arrested at a gas station, where he had gone to buy….lottery tickets.
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The times, they are a changin’…. Quote from Curt Schilling, a conservative who’s supported GOP candidate and toyed with running for Senate: “I’ve never understood this ‘issue’ with gay players? Who cares? I know I played with some, their sexual orientation never had much to to do with how they hit with RISP, or pitched in late & close situations, why the hell would what they do in the bedroom ever matter?”
So with the latest allegations out of Florida, maybe fantasy baseball leagues should add a bonus category – first major leaguer to be suspended in 2013 for PEDs? And readers, feel free to put your guess in comments – no prizes – just bragging rights:
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: California jokes, cat jokes, Grammys jokes, janice hough jokes, Kobe Bryant jokes, Lakers jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
February 7, 2013
As MLB continues its investigation of Anthony Bosch and his Florida “Biogenesis” clinic, many ballplayers have to long for a more innocent time. When the list they would have been most worried to find their name on, might have been belonged to an upscale brothel.
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And while people are starting their fantasy leagues, wonder who’ll start the pool for the first major league to be suspended in 2013. No doubt for a tainted supplement.
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So now that Ryan Braun’s name has surfaced in connection with that PED clinic in Florida, how long until the Brewers’ star appears on Oprah?
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Monopoly is getting rid of the iron token and replacing it with a cat token. Plan on the cat token always disappearing when you want to play with it, and then showing up in the way of other pieces right in the middle of the board.
(my son Carey Schwartz points out that the cat token will no doubt refuse to stop on Water Works.)
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Despite all the recent headllines Manti T’eo only fell from#6 to #12 on ESPN draft analyst Mel Kiper’s big board. And have to assume T’eo’s stock soared in fantasy football.
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From T.C. “Manti Te’o says he’s going to take some time off Twitter. This is so he can spend more time on his Facebook Farm.”
The joys of a 74 yr. old governor with no aspirations for higher office and nothing to prove anymore: Jerry Brown, when asked about a $24,000 radio ad Rick Perry ran in Calif. promoting doing business in Texas: “Its not a serious story guys, It’s like a little radio ad and you guys run like lap dogs to report it. … It’s not a burp, it’s barely a fart.”
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The British House of Commons voted 400 to 175 to legalize gay marriage. So when they sing “God Save the Queen,” guess Elton John is included.
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Idaho State Sen. John Goedde has come up with a bill requiring students to read Ayn Rand’s “Atlas Shrugged” as a high school graduation requirement. Right. The book is 1088 pages. Wonder how many legislators have read it.
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There are reports that Kim Kardashian’s doctor believes her unborn baby could be at risk due to the stress of her divorce from Kris Humphries. Another sad result for society as a result of indiscriminately allowing heterosexual marriage.
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Well, spring training may be right around the corner but clearly Americans haven’t quite turned their full attention to baseball. Forbes released their list of the most disliked athletes, and A-Rod is only #6.
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Many Americans are upset about the Post Office’s decision to stop delivering mail on Saturdays. In fact, millions of them are posting on Facebook or Twitter about it.
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A couple thoughts about this “gays in the Boy Scouts” controversy. First, all the stories about teachers and students should remind people that sexual orientation is no guarantee against inappropriate relations or even conversations. Second, there have always been gays in the Boy Scouts, it’s just a question of whether or not they are open about it….
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: California jokes, Janice Hough, monopoly cat jokes, monopoly jokes, PED jokes, Ryan Braun jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
Left Coast Sports Babe 