Posted tagged ‘janice hough jokes’

Those were the days…..

April 26, 2014

This morning the NBA has to be longing for the days when their most embarrassing owner was Mark Cuban.

 

How quickly things change. Yesterday the most embarrassing thing about NBA basketball in Los Angeles was the Lakers.

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If Donald Sterling gets suspended as an NBA owner will Clive Bundy offer him a job as a ranch hand?

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Was actually in New York tonight and lucky enough to have seen Denzel Washington live.  Suppose I can thank Sterling for reminding us that “Raisin in the Sun” isn’t a dated play.

 

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George Clooney, 52, is engaged to his latest girlfriend, a 36 year old lawyer. Not sure if the marriage will work, but her pre-nup sure should.

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One difference between men and women.  When most women heard that Clooney was engaged, their reaction was “okay, we can stop dreaming now.”  If someone like – fill in the blank – Olivia Wilde, Scarlett Johansson, Jennifer Aniston, Beyonce, – gets engaged, the reaction is “well, she just hadn’t met me yet.”

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Taco Bell is planning to open a new chain called U.S. Taco Co, with a more upscale menu – for example, the “Brotherly Love”, a tortilla stuffed with Philly cheese steak, or the “Winner Winner”, with crispy Southern fried chicken and gravy. Sounds like the price of gas is going up.

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Re pine tar. If “everyone does it” and it’s “really for the safety of the batter,” then maybe MLB should legalize the stuff. Or make the rule like it is about pitchers’ jewelry. Only legal if it’s not visible enough to distract the batter.

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The SF GIants and Cleveland Indians met today in a 1954 World Series rematch.   Until 2010, the Giants hadn’t won since 1954, and the Indians haven’t won since 1948.   Both amateurs on a 1 to Cubs pain scale.

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Bizarre early season stat. Michael Morse has six home runs in April. All the SF Giants’ left fielders together last year total hit five.

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Explained to a 20 something today why New York has a 212 area code. (It was the fastest to dial on a rotary dial phone.). Wonder how long it will be before 20 somethings won’t have even heard of a rotary dial phone?

 

Hundreds of “E.T’ Atari video games, which had been considered perhaps the worst video game ever made, were found in New Mexico landfill. So before “Breaking Bad” there was ‘Burying Bad?”

 

Thanks to Gregg Drinnan for this gem  “During a news conference to introduce Donnie Tyndall as the head coach of the U of Tennessee’s men’s basketball team, it was pointed out to him that he wasn’t the first choice. Tyndall pointed to his fiancee, who was in attendance, and offered: “Look at her and look at me. I probably wasn’t her first choice either.”

 

 

High holy day.

April 19, 2014

This year Easter falls on 4 20, the national pot holiday. So hide those chocolate bunnies.

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If Sunday is all about resurrection maybe Christians should add a few prayers for the #SFGiants offense?

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At some point it’s not the opposing pitcher shutting you down with great stuff: #SFGiants hitting becoming oxymoron.

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In New Jersey, a woman is suing the Department of Motor Vehicles for rejecting her request for a vanity license plate reading “8THEIST.” Where are the small government folks lining up to defend her right to free speech on this one?

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Anyone who thinks baseball players aren’t tough, I give you the Reds’ Aroldis, cleared to throw BP exactly a month after he was hit in the face by one of his 100pm fastballs lined back at him in spring training.

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The Philadelphia 76ers ended up 19-63, and but they hold two lottery picks. So their owner said yesterday “I think the season has been a huge success for us.” And for any team lucky enough to have the Sixers on the schedule.

 

A whole new phenomenon in baseball, the manager coming out to chat with the umpire, seeing the thumbs down from the bench coach who’s talking to the replay coach, and walking back to the dugout. So while waiting do they talk about restaurants?

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The A’s Jed Lowrie angered the Houston Astros Friday night when he tried to bunt against the shift in the first inning with Oakland up 7-0. But hey, it’s the Astros. Is it unfair to bunt against them with any lead at all?

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Both Alabama QB’s struggled in their Spring game. Meaning Nick Saban will be looking for more anti-offense college football rule changes in the name of “safety.”

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Macy’s CEO just spoke out against raising the minimum wage. What, if the store has to pay more they’ll only be able to have “One Day Sales” every other day?

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The Columbus Blue Jackets had their first playoff win ever Saturday night. And two questions from most Americans. 1. Columbus has a pro team? 2. What sport?

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CNN headline on MH370, the search is at a “critical juncture.” Presumably because the searchers are running out of ideas, and CNN is running out of adjectives?

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Fox News has fired an executive who used her company e-mail account for a charity drive for relatives of MH370’s passengers. Guess she should have known better. Had the woman simply used her business email to attack Obama she would have been fine.

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Seasoned greetings.

December 26, 2013

Conservative GOP Rep. Steve King of Iowa tweeted from Oslo that he was enjoying a Christmas meal that included reindeer. And Republicans claim that liberals are the ones with the War on Christmas?

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Three men were were killed and two others injured in a Christmas Eve shooting in a N.J. strip club. Have to wonder if the two injured men wished they were dead rather than having to explain to their wives what they were doing in a strip club on Christmas Eve.

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Got to be a major bummer for some of those people whose gifts didn’t arrive on time from UPS, especially when those gifts were intended for children. But maybe a couple lessons for future. 1. Shop early. Not like Christmas sneaked up on anyone as far as the date. 2. Shop local!

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Jon Kitna, 41, and now a math teacher, says he will donate the $53,000 he gets for Sunday’s game to his high school now that he has officially signed with the Cowboys after passing his physical. Pretty impressive. Many current and former NFL players couldn’t even pass math.

 

Delta Airlines said they will honor some ridiculously low fares they posted by mistake on their website, fares that were in the $50 range cross country. Off course anyone traveling on such a fare will have nominal charges of $300 per checked bag, $200 for a seat assignment or carry-on bag, $500 for any changes etc…..

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McDonald’s has taken down a “employee resourse” website which, amongst other things, noted that “while convenient and economical for a busy lifestyle, fast foods are typically high in calories, fat, saturated fat, sugar, and salt and may put people at risk for becoming overweight.” The question isn’t why McDs took the site down, but whose bright idea it was to put it up in the first place?

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Michigan State has suspended LB Max Bullough, a senior, and one of the Spartans’ top players on defense, for violating team rules, so he will miss the Rose Bowl. This would never have happened if Ohio State was going to Pasadena. Urban Meyer would have made his player’s suspension start January 2.

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Little Caesar’s Bowl today at Ford Field features Bowling Green vs Pittsburgh. Two of the only schools who would consider a trip to Detroit with an indoor stadium as an actual reward.

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San Diego Chargers rookie WR Keenan Allen, the team’s top receiver, said he was originally so frustrated that he thought about quitting football at the beginning of the season. As opposed to players on the Redskins and Lions, who quit during the season.

 

All Ducked Up?

November 23, 2013

Well, those two Oregon players who were quoted as saying they didn’t want to go to the Rose Bowl again got their wish.

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Congrats to ASU on winning the Pac 12 South. All the Sun Devils have to do to host the Pac 12 Championship game is beat Arizona. Of course that’s the Oregon Ducks had to do too….

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Michigan State beats Northwestern to clinch the “Legends” division. Why do I think Woody and Bo wouldn’t be caught dead taking about “Legends” or “Leaders?”

 

The Gators lost in Gainesville to…. Georgia Southern? This is the most embarassing thing to happen in Florida since at least Wednesday.

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MLB’s security director is recommending that teams install metal detectors at each gate in 2014. I see a boom year for makers of plastic flasks.

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Dallas Cowboys have missed the playoffs for the last three seasons. And Owner/GM Jerry Jones said he’s been doing some of his best work in years. The rest of the NFC East would certainly agree with him.

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USC interim coach Ed Orgeron just got a vote of confidence from …Lane Kiffin. Just when things were going so well.

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The state attorney investigating possible sexual assault charges against FSU QB Jameis Winston says his office may not make a decision on whether to file charges until next week or later. How much later? After the Heisman announcement or BCS games?

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Johnny Manziel said he will announce his NFL decision before Texas A & M’s bowl game. “Wonder what he will decide?” said absolutely no one.

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Just to prove that putting stupid things in emails is not confined to one gender, a female Army colonel stepped down from leading a gender study after she wrote that only “average-looking women” should be used in Army materials used to attract women for combat roles.

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A reminder about flying U.S. airlines. It could be worse. A Pakistan Airlines pilot was jailed today for 9 months in Britain for being over the limit – too drunk even to drive a car – before he was about to fly to Islamabad. His defense, in Pakistan there is only a 12 hour “bottle to throttle” rule, and he had finished drinking 3/4 of a bottle of whiskey before that..

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There is talk of legalizing cell-phone use on planes. This could be a two-fer for airline profits: One fee for using your phone in the air. Another fee for sitting in a cell-phone free zone.

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A-Rod’s statement about his grievance hearing with MLB over his 211-game suspension. “We crushed it They had nothing.” Sounds like the same sense of reality Rodriguez had about facing postseason pitching.

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Class, nothing but class. Victoria and David Beckham caused lines to form outside a British Red Cross shop when they donated clothes to help typhoon victims in the Philippines. And now Kim Kardashian put some of her clothes on eBay for the same cause. Except she is keeping 90% of the profits for herself.

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It’s beginning in SF, the finger pointing over the 49ers somewhat underwhelming season, and some including Steve Young are putting blame on Colin Kaepernick. You’ve got to think it takes some work for Alex Smith to keep a little smile off his face.

 

A deal has been reached to halt Iran’s nuclear program. I blame Obama.

Dispirit of St. Louis

October 28, 2013
Cardinals lost 3-1 to the Red Sox.  Rams had a  sure comeback fall short at the 2 yard line. Tonight’s headline “Dispirit of St. Louis.”

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Nah, there’s no bias on Fox World Series coverage. Joe Buck – “The National League has won the last three World Series, including these Cardinals in 2011.” Would it kill him to mention the other teams, or rather, team?

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Tim McCarver and Joe Buck were so convinced the Red Sox shouldn’t have been holding Wong on last night, we’re lucky they didn’t miss the end of the game altogether with another in-dugout interview or something.

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How boring. The only big mistakes in tonight’s #WorldSeries game were hanging curveballs.

 

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Why is ANYONE still pitching to #DavidOrtiz in this World Series? #insanity

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A 31-year-old Texas man survived being struck by lighting twice last weekend. First when he was standing under a tree, then when he dropped to his knees and was struck again. The man says he believes God kept him alive, and he will start going to church more. Uh, maybe during storms he should start standing under trees less.

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Rick Santorum said of Ted Cruz’s efforts that resulted in a government shutdown “In the end, he did more harm” to the GOP than good. Well, Santorum ought to know, since in 2006 his 18% loss was one of the largest defeats by a Republican senator trying to be re-elected in U.S. history.

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Ryanair has released their annual calendar featuring scantily-clad flight attendants, which is a fundraiser for cancer research. Could be worse. The discount carrier could demand passengers either wear minimal clothes or pay a fee to cut down on weight in the cabin.

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From my funny friend Howard Fox  “The other day in Washington, a boy’s dog was blamed for starting an apartment fire. Unfortunately for the boy, his homework survived.”

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Miley Cyrus was quoted in Cosmopolitan as saying “I feel like I’m kind of an underdog in a cool way. Like, society wants to shut me down.” “Shut her down?” More like “Just make her go away.”

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Not sure if Stanford football is as good as their ranking, but they and other Pac 12 teams rank higher in the BCS than the Coaches’ and AP polls. Makes sense. the computers don’t go to bed before the second half of all these West Coast night games.

 

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A federal judge ruled that Texas’s new abortion restrictions are unconstitutional. Which means probably that some in the GOP will try to start blocking more judicial appointments over Obamacare or Benghazi.

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Marco Rubio now favors a House piecemeal approach over the comprehensive immigration reform passed by the Senate earlier this year. Not that unusual, except that the Senate bill…. was one that Rubio largely authored.

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BYU, over 98% Mormon, has already accepted a bid to the Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl in San Francisco. Unhappiest people about this invitation? San Francisco bar owners.

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The Carolina Panthers’ Mike Mitchell, who got his 5th fine of the year last week, $7,875 for taunting, claims the NFL and Roger Goodell are targeting him. Well if they weren’t before, they probably are now.

 

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Rock bottom.

October 21, 2013

The Boy Scouts have removed the 2 men who toppled the ancient rock formation in Utah from their posts as scout leaders. No doubt giving thousands of idiots a good lesson – if you’re going to do something that stupid, don’t put it on YouTube.

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The Houston Texans released rookies Sam Montgomery, Cierre Wood and Willie Jefferson, allegedly for smoking marijuana. Wonder if the three could be picked up by the Seahawks or Broncos?.

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And go figure, smoke pot in the NFL and you get released?  Take steroids and you get suspended a few games but make it back for the playoffs.

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It was pretty clear after four days that people in the SF Bay Area missed #BART a lot more than they missed the federal government.

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The BART strike is over. Now let’s see if both sides can recover from the plague millions of Californians have wished upon their houses.

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So how did the Minnesota Vikings and NY Giants coaches motivate their teams for MNF?    Winner might vault to the top of the BCS standings?

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Jim Leyland is stepping down as the Detroit Tigers’ manager. Wonder if those late-inning relief ALCS pitching meltdowns were the tipping point. If so, guess the Tigers’ won’t be interviewing Dusty Baker.

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Stanford graduate Andrew Luck, after the Colts win over the Broncos yesterday. “We didn’t let the outside sphere of influence creep into the locker room.” Can’t imagine how Luck gets that nerdy reputation.

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The ghost of Russ Hodges: “The Giants win a game, the Giants win a game”

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So when Marissa Mayer changed the work at home policy at Yahoo, it was pretty clear she didn’t have childcare issues. Now with the latest update, pretty clear she doesn’t use Yahoo mail either.

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Stories out of Texas indicate that Senator Ted Cruz is still popular in the state after leading the U.S. into a shutdown. So where is Rick Perry and his talk of secession when we really need him?

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Gov. Chris Christie is withdrawing his appeal of the recent ruling in favor of gay marriage in New Jersey. Christie says he has a “constitutional obligation to enforce the law.” That and apparently he can read the national poll numbers.

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Oregon’s defensive coordinator apologized for calling Washington State coach Mike Leach “low class” for leaving in his starters and throwing for two late TDs in the Ducks 62-38 win, saying “There’s no excuse, but sometimes right after the game the adrenaline is still flowing and I made a huge, human error in judgment. I wish I could take it back, and I promise it won’t happen again.” Possible translation “I was reminded we might want to run up the score ourselves later this season to impress BCS voters..”.

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Semi-serious stuff below . You have been warned…

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Today’s 12 year-old school shooter apparently got a handgun from his parents. Just wondering, if we prosecuted parents for the crimes of their minor children using their guns, and EVERY time a child accidentally shoots themselves or someone else, think folks might try a little higher to keep their weapons in a safe place?

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Lawyers for James Holmes, the man accused of killing 12 and wounding 70 in the Aurora, CO theater, are arguing that after the shooting police coerced and misled him into talking to them about bombs found in his apartment, and said his statements shouldn’t be used against him. Right. So maybe a dozen or more lives were saved but the cops were out of line. Yet another example of why attorneys are so beloved in the US.

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What happened to Adrian Peterson’s two year old son is a tragedy. But anyone but me having a bit of a hard time with the all the sympathy for the Vikings star when he had only found out the kid existed a couple months ago, and never met his son until the toddler was dying in the hospital?

 

Falling leaves, falling rankings.

October 20, 2013

Five ranked SEC teams lost yesterday. No punchline. I just like writing that.

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The Washington Redskins actually won. I blame Obama.

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Ted Cruz is now blaming Senate Republicans for the “lousy deal” to reopen the government. Other Senate Republicans are blaming voters in Texas.

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Perhaps Shakespeare anticipated the BCS? As almost two months before bowls are actually decided, the first BCS standings are out – “full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”

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An alligator wandered right outside a Walmart in Apopka, Florida last night, but returned to its nearby lake without incident. But the 6-foot creature now holds the title of the scariest thing seen at that Walmart, well not wearing curlers and short shorts….

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Oregon beat WSU 62 to 38, but defensive coordinator Nick Aliotti was furious at Washington State coach Mike Leach, whose team racked up 559 yards. “That’s total bullshit that he threw the ball at the end of the game like he did I think it’s low class and it’s bullshit to throw the ball when the game is completely over against our kids that are basically our scout team.” How dare they indeed… why the Cougars even managed to cover the spread….

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Stanford fans just watched a #Colts drive where #AndrewLuck showed how he WOULD have won the Fiesta Bowl. #Notbitter

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Even for those of us whose team’s are not in the World Series, one thing to smile about – after this year Tim McCarver is retiring!

Maria Belen Chapur, Mark Sanford’s reason for “hiking the Appalachian trail” and now his fiancee, complained to a reporter that “Everybody has a fantasy that governors or lawmakers make a lot of money. ‘I’m going to take away that fantasy because a governor in the United States makes $108,000 per year … it’s not even enough to pay for private school for his children.” Oh the horror. (Btw, as a Congressman, Sanford now makes $174,000 a year. per capita income in South Carolina, $33,000.)

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New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick isn’t happy with the controversial rule interpretation that led to the NY Jets’ game winning field goal today. And longtime Oakland Raiders fans are just giggling.

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Wonder what kind of odds you could have gotten in Vegas before 2013 season that the last undefeated team in the NFL would be the #KCchiefs?

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If only strength of schedule helped for playoff seeding. #AndrewLuck and #Colts have beaten 49ers, Seahawks and Broncos.


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