Posted tagged ‘Trump jokes’
August 15, 2015
If you ever doubted that even those who are really good at their jobs can have a bad day at work, I give you this pitching line: 2.1 innings, 12 hits, 10 earned runs.-
the stats are Saturday’s from Seattle’s Felix Hernandez.
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Oops. A New York thief got the idea to sneak under the electronic security gate as the owner was closing a liquor store. He got a couple thousand dollars, some booze, and locked in until cops showed up as the door didn’t open from the inside.#cantfixstupid
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The Yankees-Blue Jays have 9 more meetings down the stretch. But who expected the winner of the AL East might be decided by which one of them is lucky enough to have more games against the Red Sox.
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A Missouri couple brought a boa constrictor into a restaurant and claimed it was a service animal. Although the law is very clear, service animals can be dogs only. Bad news for some Floridians with service gators?
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Donald Trump arrived today at the Iowa State Fair. Brave of him. You never know a that fair when someone might try to fry that furry thing that lives on his head and put it on a stick.
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Trump also says he is willing to spend’ $1 billion on his presidential campaign. Is this all part of Trump’s full employment program – no campaign consultant left behind?
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In Sunnyvale, California, police shot and killed a man, who was allegedly carrying guns tonight outside a Motel Six. The Motel has been offering nightly rates of $99. Guessing that fewer locals are shocked by the shooting than the fact that in Silicon Valley there are places you can stay for under $100 a night.
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Saw that Saints RB C.J.Spiller had knee surgery Friday. Then “He is expected to be back for the New Orleans season opener Sept 13. Knee surgery. Less than a month. #thetimestheyareachangin
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Dan Uggla got his SF Giants World Series ring last night. In four 2014 games, Uggla went 0 for 12 with six strikeouts, a run scored and a walk, plus three errors at second. On the other hand, Uggla made one very big contribution to the Giants; he sucked enough that they gave a chance to Joe Panik.
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Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Florida jokes, Janice Hough, New York jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
August 14, 2015
John Kerry, at a ceremony raising the U.S. flag in Havana. “We remain convinced the people of Cuba would be best served by a genuine democracy,” Great, and if it works out in Cuba, maybe we can aim for that in the USA?
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Central New Jersey was hit by a 2.7 earthquake this morning. It would, of course, be uncharitable to suggest the quake was caused by Governor Chris Christie rushing to a campaign event.
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Sources are apparently telling the media that Geno Smith was taunting his now ex-teammate before Enemkpali punched him. “I am shocked,” said no one who follows the Jets. #samecircusdifferentmonkeys
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Marcus Mariota had an interception and fumble in his first two drives in the NFL pre-season. Is he angling to get traded to the Jets?
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Summer in New York, when many, including the media, have left the city for at least the weekend. So if Trump speaks and there is no one around to hear him, is he still wrong?
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A dad is in jail after taking his 16-year old daughter and her 17-year-old friend to a strip club, where apparently they drank, snorted coke and pole-danced. Do I even need to say this happened in Florida?
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Florida State is implementing a mandatory course in social responsibilities for the school’s student-athletes. Next, will the school figure out how to make attendance any more mandatory than for other student-athlete courses?
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Boston Red Sox manager John Farrell announced today will take a medical leave because he has Hodgkin’s lymphoma, but that it is “very treatable and curable.” Unlike the play of his team.
(seriously, all best wishes to Farrell. Fortunately they do appear to have caught the cancer at stage 1.)
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Hillary Clinton has a plan to make college more affordable. Not surprisingly the GOP is against it. Why, the plan might result in more people being able to read.
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At Cedar Point amusement park in Ohio, a man was killed by a roller coaster after he lost his cellphone on the ride and jumped a fence into a restricted area to retrieve it. New warning signs coming “Don’t text and ride.” #cantfixstupid #butyoucanburystupid
(and the thing that solidifies this guy’s Darwin award, he was a teacher.)
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A gun store and shooting range in a small Oklahoma town has started advertising themselves as “Muslim-free.” Well, makes some sense because we all remember the worst terrorist in Oklahoma history was a Muslim…. Oh wait, never mind.
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#Apple is reportedly working on a self-driving car. As long as it doesn’t use Apple maps.
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Donald Trump will report for jury duty next week. But the Donald will probably be dismissed when he claims he is the sole caretaker for that fuzzy thing who lives on his head.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, Chris Christie jokes, Cuba jokes, Janice Hough, Jets jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
August 12, 2015
In an effort to conserve water, Los Angeles poured almost 100,000 four-inch black plastic “shade” balls over their reservoir. So the city doesn’t have the Raiders yet, but the “black hole” is ready
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This Donald Trump-Megyn Kelly back and forth bickering is getting so bad, you’d think they used to be married to each other.
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So since Fox News got such kudos for the tough questions at the first GOP debate, clearly the pressure is on CNN for October with the Democrats. And since he’s not doing anything, can I suggest as a moderator Jon Stewart?
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Billy Joel, 66, and his wife Alexa, 33, have welcomed their first child, Della Rose. Wonder how long until Billy and Della can compete in their first father-daughter diaper derby.
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Uzbekistan Airways says they will start weighing passengers at the airport, and on some flights they may need to “exclude” larger passengers. U.S airlines are no doubt studying the idea, not to exclude heavier travelers but to charge them extra.
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Not that it affects me anymore, but what is this “back-to-school” crap in mid-August? Used to be Labor Day. Seems un-American to make kids go to class in the summer. #justsayin
Donald Trump said that when Bernie Sanders let #BlackLivesMatter protesters take his microphone that Sanders “showed that he’s weak.” As opposed to the Donald himself whose mantra is simply #MyLifeMatters.
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The Buffalo Bills have claimed IK Enemkpali off waivers after he was released by the Jets for punching Geno Smith. Guess coach Rex Ryan just wants to make sure he has one defender who can hit?
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An ESPN poll of more than 100 currently players found that 72% believe that Brady and the Patriots deflated footballs, but only 58% DON’T believe the Patriots cheat. Translation, sounds like there are a lot of teams messing with balls.
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An SF 49ers season ticket holder is suing the team over a new policy which makes it harder on fans trying to sell unused tickets by requiring most sales to go through Ticketmaster.
Wonder how long it might take for 49ers season ticket holder to sue the team over it being harder to sell unused tickets because of the product on the field.
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Major layoffs have started with the Kraft-Heinz merger. Hope Heinz 57 isn’t a goal for remaining number of employees.
Seriously hoping for the best for #JimmyCarter.. Absolutely our best ex-president. No joke.
Lots of accolades for former President Jimmy Carter today after his cancer announcement. But for those who just think Habitat for Humanity and vague do-good human rights stuff, four words – google “Carter guinea worm.”
From Bill Littlejohn, “So now, we have a wild controversy involving Donald Trump and Megyn Kelly of Fox News.With all of that hairspray involved, shouldn’t the NFL also be investigating a helmet-to-helmet collision.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, Billy joel jokes, Fox News jokes, Janice Hough, Los Angeles jokes, Megyn Kelly jokes, NFL jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
August 11, 2015
Scientists have found possible marijuana residue in William Shakespeare’s pipes. So maybe what the playwright meant to write was “Doobie or not doobie?”
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You REALLY cannot make this “stuff” up: Geno Smith will be out 10 weeks with a broken jaw after he was punched by a NY Jets teammate?! #thecircushascometotown
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Ah nostalgia. Remember the days when NY Jets fans were worried that Tim Tebow was going to be their biggest quarterback distraction?
Happiest people over the Jets’ releasing Ikemefuna Enemkpali for breaking Geno Smith’s jaw? New York copy editors who no longer have to spell Ikemefuna Enemkpali
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Could have been worse #49ers fans, at least #AldonSmith didn’t punch #ColinKaepernick on his way out.
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Bus to hell time. SF Chronicle headline “Homicide eyed in mysterious San Francisco dismembered body case.” Well, sure doesn’t seem likely it was suicide.
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Eagles fans have started a petition for the Pope to bless Sam Bradford’s knees when he visits Philadelphia this September. Because asking for a miracle cure for the Phillies is above even a Papal pay grade?
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The DOT says that passengers have filed 20% more complaints against U.S. airlines in 2015. The numbers might be higher if travelers were able to access the internet while they are in their seats stuck on the tarmac.
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Give Donald Trump credit for one huge achievement. He made a blonde woman from Fox one of the most respected news people in the country.
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A young Trump supporter in Texas referred to the Donald as “the Kanye West of politics.” More like “the Kimye of politics”. With Trump you get both Kanye’s ego along with a big ass.
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A mother was arrested for allegedly leaving her kids in car while she drank in a bar. Now police say she had her son, 4, blow into the breathalyzer to start the car. Thinking enough to be that creative but not thinking enough to call a babysitter and a cab? Even by Florida standards this is impressive. #cantfixstupid
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The DOT says that passengers have filed 20% more complaints against U.S. airlines in 2015. The numbers might be higher if travelers were able to access the internet while they are in their seats stuck on the tarmac.
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11pm on a weeknight. Time to switch to Comedy Cellar for my Jon Stewart fix…… #sayitaintso
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: geno smith jokes, Janice Hough, Jets jokes, NY Jets jokes, shakespeare joke, Trump jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
August 10, 2015
You REALLY cannot make this “stuff” up. Now Michigan State Rep. Todd Courser, who allegedly tried to cover up an affair by sending a fake email accusing himself of paying a male prostitute, is saying he will not resign. Courser says he will stay on to expose “political shenanigans” in the Capitol, that he only sent the email because he was being blackmailed, and that the Lansing “mafia” establishment is out to get him.
This guy is delusional enough you have to wonder if his next step is to declare for the 2016 GOP Presidential nomination.
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A man who was arrested 2 weeks ago for joy-riding on a jail lawn was arrested again today, for doing the same thing, on the same lawn. Do I even have to write that this is a Florida story? #cantfixstupid
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Meanwhile, a reporter asked Andrew Luck who his fastest teammate was, and the Colts QB responded “That’s like asking a parent who their favorite kid is.” These Stanford kids aren’t stupid.
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Leaving aside issues like actually running the country, anyone but me think you could make serious pay-per-view money on a Bernie Sanders-Donald Trump debate?
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The younger generation may not understand all the tributes pouring in for Frank Gifford, who started with Howard Cosell and Don Meredith on Monday Night Football in 1971. Mostly because these days it’s hard to imagine only one night a week for NFL football.
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Yellowstone rangers have captured a bear that allegedly killed a hiker Friday. They will do DNA tests, and if they get positive identification, “she will be euthanized because of the facts that she was feeding on the person.”
Makes some sense as a predatory bear is dangerous, but, hey, unlike some human hunters at least she was actually eating what she killed.
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The Red Sox have announced that closer Koji Uehara has fractured his wrist and will miss the rest of the season. Well, not like Boston was giving him many games to close anyway.
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Okay, Donald Trump is an ass, and insults women. Got it. Meanwhile other GOP candidates, yes, I am talking about you Scott Walker and Marco Rubio, won’t even declare they would allow abortions to save the life of the mother. #priorities?
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Oops, Disney Japan attempted to send out a “Merry Unbirthday” tweet from Alice in Wonderland, and managed to translate it as “Congratulations on your not special day.” This on the anniversary of the atom bomb being dropped on Nagasaki.
Sounds like a Mickey Mouse translating operation.
#Cantfixstupid, California division.
The SF Chronicle reported San Francisco Sheriff Ross Mirkarimi’s driver’s license has been suspended since February after he didn’t notify the DMV about a non-injury car accident he was involved in last October. And the newspaper says as of today, he “Mirkarami still had neither filed the required accident report nor provided proof of insurance as required under law, state records show. He had also not paid the $55 fee to regain his full driving privileges, the records show.”
And why should he know the laws? He’s only the sheriff.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, Bernie Sanders jokes, Frank Gifford jokes, GOP jokes, Janice Hough, Red Sox jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
August 9, 2015
After the Pittsburgh Pirates scored 9 runs in the 7th inning against the Dodgers bullpen, beginning to look like biggest competition between SF and LA in October might be over best airline/hotel rates for a vacation in Hawaii.
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Seventeen GOP candidates running for President. And after last Thursday’s debates a lot of Americans are thinking “can’t we have a few more choices?”
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Carly Fiorina talking about being a supporter of women’s rights makes as much sense as Bristol Palin being an abstinence spokeswoman.
And Carly Fiorina said today she opposes mandatory paid maternity leave. Proving again that the only women’s rights Fiorina really supports are her own.
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Thinking if Donald Trump really wants to attract independent voters, he’d lay off Megyn Kelly and start going after Ann Coulter.
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New NBC GOP Presidential primary poll: Trump – 23%, Carson – 11%, Fiorina and Rubio 8% each. I’ll take “Four people who will never be President for $800, Alex.”
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#WrigleyField was just evacuated after a bomb threat. Fortunately the threat turned out to be as nonexistent as today’s #SFGiants offense.
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At Yankee Stadium, a fan threw a home run ball from Toronto’s Jose Bautista back onto the field and it hit NY outfielder Brett Gardner. Gardner was uninjured. These days the way things are going for SF Giants – three starters injured on a 10 game road trip, had one of their fans done the same thing, they’d have hit Pence and put him on the DL.
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#SFGiants didn’t get all the players they wanted at the trade deadline, and this odd year doesn’t look like their year. On the other ,hand, watching the Pirates score 9 runs in the 7th inning, 8 against Jim Johnson who the #Dodgers basically bought from the Braves by taking on contracts.. ah, #schadenfreude.
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But, Duane Kuiper saying that the #SFGiants caught a break with the weather on this Chicago trip. Thinking more of a break might have been to have had the entire series rained out.
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The Redskins and Texans ended up in a brawl after their three-day joint practice. Shame most Washington fans didn’t see it, might be the best hits their team will get in all year.
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So a #BlackLivesMatter group disrupted a Bernie Sanders event. Isn’t that like a White Supremacist group disrupting a GOP Presidential Debate? Or an anti-abortion group doing the same thing?
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Dodgers jokes, Fiorina jokes, GOP jokes, Janice Hough, SF Giants jokes, Trump jokes, Yankees jokes
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August 6, 2015
For television viewers, Wednesday night on NBC was “America’s Got Talent.” Thursday night the debate on Fox was the rebuttal.
The Fox News GOP debate was at Quicken Loans Arena, home of the Cleveland Cavaliers. And much of it was as painful to watch as Lebron’s “The Decision.”
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To be fair, Donald Trump says he wanted the GOP debate tonight to be on a “high level.” As in you needed to be high to watch it?
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Carly Fiorina, at the “kid’s table” debate. “. “[T]he potential of this nation and too many Americans is being crushed by the weight, the power, the cost, the complexity, the ineptitude, the corruption of the federal government.” And if elected I promise to do for America what I did for Hewlett Packard…. Oh wait, never mind.
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A few of the exchanges between, for example, Chris Christie and Rand #Paul made me almost sorry that this #GOPDebate was probably a gun-free zone.
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Wonder how many GOP voters watched the debate and were wishing they could vote for #MegynKelly.
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#Trump invokes #RonaldReagan. Is #Reagan rolling over in grave or laughing becuz he knows he was much less conservative than his disciples
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Scott Walker talking about unborn children needing to be protected. And of course the Wisconsin governor has fought his own party over cutting $238,000 million for child advocacy centers. Oh wait, the GOP over-ruled him, they REINSTATED money Walker wanted to cut. #nevermind
Mike Huckabee “The purpose of the military is kill people and break things.” Somewhere Teddy Roosevelt IS rolling over in his grave. #speaksoftlykillpeopleandbreakthings? #GOPDebate
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Boston mayor Martin J. Walsh wants to ban chewing tobacco from all ballparks in the city, amateur and professional. Well, with this year’s Red Sox team Walsh doesn’t need to add that “professional” part.
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Two men were arrested at an Iowa Taco Bell and charged with allegedly manufacturing methamphetamine in the restaurant. Stand by for the AMC sequel “Breaking Wind.”
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President Obama today warned it’s either the Iran deal, or “some sort of war.” And many Republicans responded “You say ‘war” like it’s a bad thing.”
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Arby’s ran ads on the penultimate “Daily Show with Jon Stewart,” despite all the knocks the comedian has given them over the years. Well, makes a certain about of sense, with Stewart everyone knew Arby’s was still in business.
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A Regent Seven Seas 128 day around-the-world cruise, costing more than $100,000 a couple, had 70% percent of the cabins booked on the first day of sales. The company president stated this was a testament to their belief that “guests … want unique, different, and rich destination experiences.” Well, “rich” for sure.
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Now it’s come out that Russians apparently hacked some Pentagon emails. Hillary Clinton might be looking smarter and smarter with that private server.
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No lyin -Great thought from Paul Chessin, brother of my FB friend Steve: “So, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service wants to talk to Dr. Walter Palmer but can’t find him because he’s “hiding”? Maybe they should get a trophy game animal, put it in a car, and, you know, lure him out.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes
Tags: Chris Christie jokes, debate jokes, Fiorina jokes, GOP debate jokes, GOPdebate jokes, janicehough, Red Sox jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
August 4, 2015
Kermit the Frog has announced a decision to split with his partner Miss Piggy. Wow. This legalization of Itgay marriage is destroying relationships faster than we thought.
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Jeb Bush “”I’m not sure we need a half-billion dollars for women’s health issues.” Yeah, Jeb, you’re right. We need a lot more. #clueless
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So Fox News has picked their top 10 for the first debate. And Rick Perry is the 11th man. So did those glasses not make him look smart enough?. Or did they make him look too smart for GOP primary voters?
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Joe Biden’s sister on his possible run for the Presidency in 2016. “He’ll decide when he decides.” And as anyone who’s ever heard Joe speak knows, Biden doesn’t do ANYTHING quickly.
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AT&T reporting widespread cellphone and internet outages in the Southeast Tuesday. The horror! Many teenagers and millennials were forced actually to talk to each other.
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Donald Trump now says he supports shutting down the government as a way to defund Planned Parenthood. Yeah, well he can talk, Trump already had that furry thing that lives on his head spayed.-
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Chris Christie had a New Hampshire town hall today in Manchester, choosing to locate it at Blake’s Restaurant & Creamery, a long-time local favorite featuring premium ice cream. Well, of course he did.
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Donald Trump is now insisting that not only will he build a wall at the Mexican border, he will get Mexico to pay for it. The Donald seems pretty sure he can order other countries around. But beginning to get a sense this man has never watched C-Span.
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A 21 year old Florida man tried to rob a small church he occasionally attended with his parents during the sermon. The man pointed a BB gun at the pastor’s mother but was overpowered by fellow parishioners and arrested.
Said the Pastor – “Why did it happen? We’re targets. The whole mentality about Christianity has radically shifted.”
Or maybe because the whole mentality about mental health has shifted to “if it ain’t broke to the point of catastrophe, don’t fix it.”
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A KKK member attended a Confederate Flag rally in Georgia wearing FUBU shoes (FUBU is a company created in 1992 by four African American entrepreneurs in NY to encourage black enterprise.) Irony, another of those commie-pinko concepts.
#SFGiants are still a long shot to repeat as World Champions, but tonight, down 3-2 after blowing a 2-1 lead in the 7th, after blowing a 6-0 lead last night, was one of those vampire games. #refusetodie
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Biden jokes, Florida jokes, GOP debate jokes, janicehough, jeb bush jokes, Kermit jokes, Miss piggy jokes, SFGiants jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
August 3, 2015
A new study says coffee is good for your brain.
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Chris Christie dismissed Donald Trump today, and added “You’re telling me it wasn’t this weird when Herman Cain was winning nationally four years ago or Michele Bachman was winning nationally? I mean, this happens.”
Not sure how many GOP voters are tuning in Thursday, but it’s beginning to look like “must-see TV’ for comedy writers and Democrats.
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Eleanor Roosevelt said “Do each day one thing that scares you.” Hmm. Take two cats by myself to the vet for their annual check-up…. I’m good for today.
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You know, it’s just a hunch. But guessing if I don’t “sign” one of the many birthday cards being pushed by various Democratic groups online for the President, that Barack really isn’t going to miss seeing my name.
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Washington has signed Junior Gallette, released by the Saints over off-field issues and domestic violence allegation. GM Scot McCloughan “The decision was made because we really believe he’s a Redskin and that’s why I signed him.”
“Really believe he’s a Redskin?” Yeah, that I concur with. Let this year’s circus begin.
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Four home runs for #SFGiants in first four innings. And Madison Bumgarner was no doubt bouncing up & down in dugout “Can I pinch hit, can I, can I?”
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Is it just me or is Santiago Casilla starting to remind us more and more of Armando Benitez #SFGiants
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Delta Airlines says they will ban Big Game trophies. So they’ll still be able to fly the Cubs.
(substitute Maple Leafs, Lions or any team of your choosing.)
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Some hunters are defending big game hunts in Africa as essential to conservation. MAYBE, though the idea that you need to shoot anything more than a picture of a big cat makes me personally ill.
But come on, folks. Hunting by luring animals out of a protected area is like taking a rifle to the zoo. And regarding “”ethical, fair-chase safaris,” uh, it’s a fair-chase only if the lion has a gun too.
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So after the controversial edited videos involving fetal tissue, the GOP tried again today to shut down Planned Parenthood, the nation’s largest provider of family planning services. And of course as part of their pro-life platform Republicans also tried to increase funding to help poor women and children…. Oh wait, never mind.
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So while we’re ranting. I think I’ve figured out the agenda for some of these GOP men. 1. Having sex is only a right if you can afford to take care of a child from an unplanned pregnancy. 2. Having a gun is a right, period.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Chris Christie jokes, coffee jokes, debate jokes, Delta jokes, GOP jokes, hunting jokes, leftcoastbabe, Trump jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
August 2, 2015
San Francisco has put a substance on some walls that not only is urine-resistant, it shoots the liquid right back where it came from. Shame there isn’t some equivalent substance that would work on arrows with lions.
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Mixed stories today, though possible good news in the end? Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead. But Jericho the lion may still be alive.
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Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton has been indicted on multiple felony charges, following upon Gov. Rick Perry’s own indictment in 2014. If this keeps up, Illinois and Louisiana are going to be jealous.
Do I get points for gender equality if I am equally indifferent to MMA even if a woman like Ronda Rousey is involved?
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Boston Red Sox president and Larry Lucchino, whose contract was going to expire at the end of the year, is leaving the team. And season ticket holders are thinking “no fair, how come he gets to leave and we don’t?”
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Great that the Royals and Astros have been playing well enough to be buyers at the trade deadline. And not like most Americans knew any names on the teams anyway.
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Business Insider is reporting that Donald Trump has fired a senior adviser who published “many racist and otherwise offensive Facebook posts” So did the Donald fire the guy because he thought the posts were wrong, or because Trump didn’t like the competition.
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SF Giants manager Bruce Bochy used Angel Pagan as the DH and wouldn’t let Madison Bumgarner hit Friday night in Texas. Maybe that’s why Madbum had an off-night?
Meanwhile, on Saturday night, Giants pulled out a 9-7 win and made perhaps a few teams happy they didn’t give away the store to trade for Cole Hamels.
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In Ontario, Canada Saturday there was a “Bare With Us” rally about women’s right to go topless. And in the U.S. millions of men who might not be in favor of universal healthcare or gun control are thinking, maybe those Canadians are onto something.
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So, okay, I get the need for some hunting to “cull the herds” and I get eating what you kill, even I want no part of it personally.
But when these folks brag about their great kills – uh, let’s see, you have a gun, the animals have nothing. Not exactly a fair fight. #compensation?
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From Marc Ragovin “I beg your pardon. Did you just say Lynn Anderson died? (just another reason why I am going straight to hell)”
Well, you got to figure her funeral will be enough roses for a serious garden.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, jericho, lion jokes, Red Sox jokes, Texas jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
July 30, 2015
The New York Mets‘ Wilmer Flores cried on the field Thursday night thinking he was traded. But social media turned out to be wrong. Wonder how many Phillies will cry Friday night realizing they HAVEN’T been traded.
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A day after they had their shortstop in tears over a trade that didn’t happen, the Mets blew a 6 run lead and had to sit through four hours of rain delays in losing to the Padres 8-7. Maybe God doesn’t like crying in baseball.
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Money money money money….. From the LA Times, with the trade of Hector Olivera, in 2015 alone, “the Dodgers would pay seven players — Olivera, Matt Kemp, Dan Haren, Dee Gordon, Brian Wilson, Brandon League and Ryan Webb — $80 million not to play for them. The Tampa Bay Rays had an opening-day payroll of $76 million”
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The LA Dodgers did get Mat Latos. Well, it’s a good fit. He will show up for his first pitching appearance at AT&T Park with a ready made booing section. #IhateSF #Theyhateyoutoo
Waiting for Mat Latos to say about his new team, we “went and changed our whole lineup, put guys with ‘Dodgers’ across their jerseys. Yeah, we did.”
(for those who don’t follow baseball, Latos complained loudly in 2010 that the SF Giants had made too many trades in their pursuit of his Padres. With almost the exact same words above. And then he went out and lost some very big games to SF.)
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Urban Meyer has suspended four players, including star DE Joey Bosa, for Ohio State’s first game against Virginia Tech, due to “violations of athletic department policy,” Wow. So Meyer figure out a way to wait to suspend them until the Buckeyes’ second game against Hawaii? The Hokies must not have much of a team this year.
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Looks like there may finally be some sad closure for MH 370. Over at CNN they’re trying not to be too gleeful over the possibility of another month at least of “Special Reports.”
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Jose Canseco says that to show his support for Caitlyn Jenner he “will be dressing up and living as a woman for a week,” And he will feature his week as a woman on his new internet show “Spend a Day with Jose.”
Canseco is not trying to be Caitlyn Jenner, he’s trying to be a Kardashian. #publicitywhore
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Many people are still stunned by the news that Patriots Tom Brady actually thought it was a good idea to destroy his phone. Of course, Brady didn’t have the option to hand it off to Marshawn Lynch.
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A new Presidential election poll says Bernie Sanders would beat Donald Trump. Heck, Jed Bartlett would beat Trump. Come to think of it, what is Martin Sheen doing these days?
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Now the U.S. Government is getting involved. The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service tweeted today – “We’re investigating the killing of #CecilTheLion. Will go where facts lead. We ask Dr. Palmer or his rep to contact USFWS immediately.”
As awful as the story is, maybe it will lead to changes. Certainly it’s got to be one of the few times when the Obama administration has at least 80% bipartisan agreement in this country.
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Okay, leaving aside the serious larger issues, have to wonder, how were the University of Cincinnati cops dumb enough both to KNOW the shooting of Samuel DuBose was on video tape with an audio, and still to think they’d get away with lying? #cantfixstupid
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Canseco jokes, cecilthelion, Dodgers jokes, Janice Hough, Mets jokes, MH370 jokes, SFGiants jokes, trade deadline jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
July 29, 2015
A scumbag hunter illegally kills a beloved lion, the NFL upholds golden boy Tom Brady’s suspension after the QB destroys his cellphone, and now wreckage has been found from a plane that might be MH370.
Donald Trump’s going to have to outdo himself to make headlines today.
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No one is saying that deflating a football is like hitting a woman. Even when it’s done by an organization with a history of bending the rules. And the Colts were going to lose if Brady threw actual bricks. But McGovern was going to lose in 1972 too. The cover up is ALWAYS worse than the crime. #whenwilltheyeverlearn?
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Patriots owner, Robert Kraft, complaining that he was “wrong to put his faith in the league.” “I was willing to accept the harshest penalty in the history of the NFL for an alleged ball violation, because I believed it would help exonerate Tom.”
Uh, sir, it is the ONLY penalty in the history of the NFL for an alleged ball violation. #whenyoureinaholestopdigging
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Jerry Jones says that NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is doing “an outstanding job.” I’m sure it’s just coincidence that the 4th and last game of Brady’s suspension is scheduled to be against the Dallas Cowboys.
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Conventional wisdom aside, the #MLBTradeDeadline is much more fun than the #NFLDraft.
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So now that he’s with Toronto #BlueJays, will the star shortstop be known as Troy Tulowitzk-eh? #TuloTrade
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SF Giants having an online sale which includes a lot of Sandoval World Series 2014 merchandise. Prices on gear might be the only thing connected with the Panda that are shrinking this year. Okay, besides his offensive numbers….
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There are now reports that United Airlines was hacked around the same time as Anthem and the U.S. Office of Personnel Management. A United spokesman said that it was ‘pure speculation,” and “we can assure our customers that their personal information is secure. We remain vigilant in protecting against unauthorized access and use top advisors and best practices on cyber-security to maintain our effectiveness.”
The same “best practices” they use for their reservations system? #andhesaiditwithastraightface
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Linda Tripp (google her, youngsters), says she is risking her wonderful family life now to speak out against Hillary Clinton, an ambitious liar who “will stop at nothing to achieve her end.” Tripp said: ‘I regret what I put my children through. I regret very much that they had to endure that level of vitriol but would I do it again? Yes….My civil service career, well over 20 years at that time, meant a sense of loyalty, patriotic duty and honor. I sincerely cared about the integrity of the country’s leadership.’
If anyone in the world could make Hillary Clinton come off as sympathetic, it’s Linda Tripp.
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Well, that didn’t take long.. Marco Rubio tweeting today “look at all this outrage over a dead lion, but where is all the outrage over the planned parenthood dead babies.”
Well, while we’re at it where’s Rubio’s outrage over…mass shooting victims, soldiers killed in unnecessary wars, people who die without healthcare…. For starters.
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From Marc Ragovin “The Yankees beat the Rangers 21-5 the other day, making it the first time in MLB history that the ump asked a manager whether he wanted to hit or stick. “.
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On a serious note, thinking all citizens and most police officers should be very grateful to whoever first came up with the idea of police video body cams.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Brady jokes, deflategate jokes, MH370 jokes, trade deadline jokes, Trump jokes
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July 28, 2015
So why would an intelligent man destroy a cell phone when it absolutely would make him look guilty? If the messages destroyed would make him look worse. #TomBrady
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But really, don’t we all want to destroy our phones when we get a new one? Because it’s so much fun re entering all those apps, contact information, bookmarks…
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The “Bachelorette” is finally over. But after weeks of guilty fun watching a couple dozen crazy contestants whittled down to a winner, for a relationship not even based in reality, well, Americans still have the GOP primary.
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Donald Trump is now saying he’d “love” to have Sarah Palin have some sort of position in his administration. That’s bold. Trump isn’t afraid Palin would take a shot at that furry thing that lives on his head?”
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LaTroy Hawkins, 42, has been sent to Toronto along with Troy Tulowitzki. Bit of a waste. Hawkins gets to Canada and universal healthcare just before he becomes eligible for Medicare.
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So Drew Storen has a 1.73 ERA and 29 saves out of 31 chances. And the Washington Nationals decide to bolster their playoff chances by adding… a temperamental closer (Papelbon). Same brilliant logic that had the team shut down Strasburg a few years back.
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The Mets’ Jenrry Mejia, is now suspended 162 games for his 2nd failed PED test. Once you might think you’re invulnerable. The second time? Proves again that MLB drug testing is also an IQ test. #cantfixstupid
Boston claimed Jean Machi off waivers Tuesday. Are the Red Sox trying to bolster their struggling bullpen? Or just to pick up a former Giant with experience reducing the amount of food available to Pablo Sandoval at the training table?
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So the hunter who illegally shot Cecil, Zimbabwe’s most famous, and protected. lion, is an American dentist who was put on probation in 2008 for lying about the location where he shot and killed a bear, and who regularly travels the world to shoot big cats, elk, bears, rhinos etc, with a bow and arrow instead of a gun. Why stop there? A real man would face one of these animals with no weapons at all.
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Good. The AP reports “According to Zimbabwe police spokeswoman Charity Charamba, (Minnesota dentist) Walter Palmer will face charges of poaching. It is alleged that Palmer worked with the guides to lure Cecil from the national park to an unprotected area by strapping a “dead animal to their vehicle.” #justiceforCecil
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, Bachelorette jokes, baseball jokes, Janice Hough, Palin jokes, Red Sox jokes, Tom Brady jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
July 22, 2015
Donald Trump is visiting Laredo to tour the Texas-Mexico border. Though no doubt he won’t cross it. – because it would be embarrassing if the Mexican government deported him as being undesirable.
A Boston writer today wrote that the Red Sox needed to “cleanse themselves” of Sandoval and Ramirez. Am sure SF Giants fans really feel sorry for Boston. Like you feel sorry when the ex who left you for someone else and slams you on the way has their next relationship fall apart….
NBA commissioner Adam Silver says “No doubt” that some day he can see a woman as NBA head coach. Although have to wonder, would a woman be dumb enough to take on say, the Knicks?
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Silver also says that the league may change rules to allow only the top 8 teams in each conference to make the playoffs. In other words, postseason teams in the East can still suck.
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Detroit manager Brad Ausmus says he is not giving up on the season as the Tigers are only 4 games out of the Wild Card. With a 46-47 record. Hmm, where does he think he is, the NBA?
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Shaquille O’Neal said the all-time Lakers team would beat the all-time Bulls team by 50. And the all-time Spurs team would probably jell togther better and kick both teams’ butts.
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So some rumors about Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert’s divorce say he cheated, some say she cheated. We can settle this real quickly if one of them turns out to have an Ashley Madison account.
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A source told People Magazine that the Duggars are “heartbroken” over the cancellation of their TLC Show, and that they want to return to TV. Alas, it’s been several years since they cancelled ‘To Catch a Predator.”
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President Obama Tuesday night on the Daily Show said he was issuing an executive order saying that Jon Stewart cannot leave the show. Guess Obama thinks he hasn’t done enough to infuriate the 2016 GOP presidential candidates?
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So Obama waited until Tuesday to lower flags to half staff for the Marines shot and killed in Tennessee. I would feel a lot less cynical about those criticizing the President if they weren’t also mostly the same people who want to send MANY more young men and women overseas to risk being shot and killed in foreign wars..
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Ted Cruz just convened a Senate hearing to investigate “abuses” by the Supreme court.. Saying recent decisions including on same-sex marriage are the “very definition of tyranny.”
The dictionary definition of “tyranny” includes words like unjust, oppressive and especially “cruel.” So who exactly suffers personally when gays get marriage?
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DeAndre Jordan, on his convoluted return to the Clippers – “When free agency started, this whole fiasco was not my intent.” Sounds like DeAndre’s intentions were as on target as his free throw shooting.
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Apparently a fire broke out today on the 4,000 passenger Freedom of the Seas cruise ship in Jamaica today, but it was quickly put out by the ship’s fire suppression system. Royal Caribbean says no passengers were injured, but one crew member suffered a first degree burn. Stand by for around the clock updates from CNN.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Blake Shelton jokes, Duggars jokes, GOP jokes, Janice Hough, Miranda Lambert jokes, Obama jokes, Ted Cruz jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
July 20, 2015
Bill Cosby, in a deposition claimed he was good at reading nonverbal clues. “I think I’m a pretty decent reader of people and their emotions in these romantic sexual things…”
Although beginning to seem like a nonverbal clue to Cosby was “Hello.”
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The NY Mets managed to win Sunday 3-1 in 18 innings after going 1-26 with runners in scoring position and leaving 25 runners on base. And Phillies fans are thinking “You can GET 25 runners on base?”
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What ever happened to that “It never rains in California” stuff. Two rainouts on Sunday, for Padres AND Angels. And Dodgers happy they were in a place with great summer weather like Washington, D.C.
Rainout in #SanDiego? It may not be freezing over, but Hell has to be pretty soggy.
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Sunday was “National Ice Cream Day.” Making tomorrow “National ‘Who shrunk my pants?’ Day.
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Three-time surfing world champion Mick Fanning was unharmed after being attacked by a shark during a competition in South Africa. Glad he’s okay. But have to wonder if any surfing officials are thinking “Hmm, a couple more near misses with sharks and our ratings will skyrocket.”
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A “Deflategate” ball used in the AFC championship sold at auction for $44,000. And somewhere Brady may be thinking “For that much money I’ll let the air out of several more and sign them.”
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Online headline at USAToday.com “Amateur and Spieth Chasing History at British Open.” And a lot of fans who have mostly only paid attention to Tiger Woods are going “I think I’ve heard of Jordan Spieth but what’s Amateur’s first name?”
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Anyone but me REALLY want to see Donald Trump head down to San Antonio and tell Texans that the men at the Alamo weren’t heroes?
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Many in the GOP field are defending John McCain against Donald Trump’s attacks. Wonder where they were during the “Swiftboating” of John Kerry.
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Many San Francisco Bay Area women were happy to see Sunday night’s news report on the record breaking weather. Not that we liked the very warm humid temperatures, but it was a relief to know the day wasn’t one big long hot flash.
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Scott Walker Sunday on if being gay is a choice. “I mean, to me, that’s, I don’t know. I don’t know the answer to that question.” This is also the man who said he was going to “punt’ on the question of evolution and that he didn’t know if Obama was a Christian.
But the Wisconsin Governor wants to be President because he says Americans need “fresh, new LEADERSHIP.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: California jokes, cosby jokes, Janice Hough, McCain jokes, san diego jokes, shark jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
July 19, 2015
Donald Trump said John McCain “is a war hero because he was captured. I like people who weren’t captured.” At this point calling Trump a douchebag is an insult to a perfectly good female hygiene product.
Now Rick Perry is calling for Trump to be disqualified from running for president. “His attack on veterans make him unfit to be Commander-in-Chief.” Well, that and there are only ten chairs at the first GOP debate, so any way that Perry can cull the herd….
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Give #DonaldTrump credit. It takes a lot of work to give #RickPerry the moral high road. #McCain #ProofHellHasFrozenOver
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And Donald Trump also is now saying “I think we should boycott Mexico, frankly.” So okay, at least Taco Bell is safe, as there’s nothing actually Mexican about it.
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Saturday at the British Open. So the wind is strong enough to blow balls all over greens, & players look about to fall over, but seagulls stand calmly. Evolution in action?
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But yeah, golf is not exactly a sport for the masses. British Open commentator, talking about how difficult it is for players because “the ball is oscillating on the green.”
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Brett Favre today at his Green Bay HOF ceremony “When you look back and talk about my career, it will be from a Packers standpoint. You almost forget that I played for other teams.” And some Jets fans are thinking “Would that that were true.”
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The Packets tweeted out on Saturday. “Brett Favre’s No. 4 is officially retired.” So Sunday will they tweet out “Just kidding”?
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LAX is now going to allow Uber and Lyft pickup. Because clearly the airport didn’t have enough traffic?
A Texas man accidentally fatally shot himself at his 21st birthday party, authorities said. He’d apparently been shooting the gun into the air during the celebration. Police said “Alcohol was a factor in the shootings.” Ya think?
Wonder if a Darwin award was on his birthday list?
Six runs on 16 hits Friday night, now eight runs on 14 hits Saturday night. Maybe what #SFGiants needed after the All Star Break was 12 innings of batting practice against live pitching?
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: British Open jokes, Darwin Award jokes, GOP jokes, Janice Hough, Trump jokes
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July 15, 2015
Alabama coach Nick Saban, whose Crimson Tide lost to OSU in the college football playoffs, says his “team chemistry from the SEC Championship Game to the playoff was affected by something.” And Saban thinks it was the approaching deadline to declare for the NFL draft. Well, it sure wasn’t their studies.
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The reviews are in, and apparently Amazon’s #PrimeDay is a #Subprimeday.
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This trend is not in keeping with the God-like nature and dignity of cats. But, okay, it’s funny. #trumpyourcat
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Donald Trump was bragging today that he is worth $10 billion. That must give such a warm fuzzy feeling to creditors of his four companies that have declared bankruptcy.
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A Republican congressman from Florida is positing Trump’s candidacy is really a Democratic plot. Not likely. As if anyone thinks the Democratic party is that organized.
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The IRS reported the hold time for customers trying to reach customer service reps between Jan 1-April 18, 2015 was 23 minutes, and that only 37% of taxpayers who called actually got through. Wow Are they trying to run a government agency or an airline?
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Florida sure seems determined to win the internet this week. From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg: “A Florida man was arrested for having sex with bound and gagged alligator. He’s writing a book about it called: “50 Shades of Everglades.”
Dr. Steven Hotze, president of Conservative Republicans of Texas says that gay marriage is to “celebrate those that participate in anal sex.” And they will teach it to kids in schools. Kids will be encouraged to practice sodomy in kindergarten.”
So Hotze thinks that previously kids have been encouraged to practice vaginal sex in kindergarten?
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Nothing against Caitlyn Jenner. Absolutely respect her decision, and she made a very good speech. But the Arthur Ashe award on the ESPYs should have gone to Lauren Hill. Period.
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Not that anyone saves a prime space in their trophy room for an ESPY. But okay, Madison Bumgarner loses “Best Championship Performance” not to American Pharoah, but to LeBron James, who DIDN’T WIN A CHAMPIONSHIP. I call bullsh*t. Irrelevant bullsh*t, but bullsh*t nonetheless.
(and then they give best male athlete to Steph Curry. Not a bad choice. But so Lebron beats Madbum but doesn’t even win the best basketball player of the year…? #anythingbuthonoringabaseballplayerwhoisntDerekJeter
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #Caitlyn Jenner jokes, Amazon jokes, amazon prime jokes, baseball jokes, ESPY jokes, ESPYS jokes, Florida jokes, Janice Hough, Lebron jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
July 12, 2015
Lebron James says he still has “nightmares” over Cleveland’s loss to Golden State ” I can never get away from losing in the Finals.” Don’t they say practice makes perfect?
Bruce Bochy has added Clayton Kershaw to the NL All-Star SF Giants fans have no problem with this. Maybe Bochy can pitch him for 8 innings?
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Max Scherzer is pitching today and so will miss the All-Star game. And the Nationals, who saw Madison Bumgarner last year, are thinking, “If we win the NL and have Max Scherzer, we don’t need no stinking home field advantage.”
The Knicks beat the Spurs, 78-73 in their first Summer League game in Las Vegas yesterday. The game was also the head coaching debut of Becky Hammon. And everyone survived just fine. #Thetimestheyareachangin
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Buffalo Bills OL coach Aaron Kromer was arrested this morning in Florida for allegedly punching a boy in the face. And at NFL headquarters they’re thinking “At least it wasn’t a girl.”
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Jayson Tatum, the #2 ranked 2016 basketball recruit, has committed to join the Blue Devils, saying “I love the way the program is run and I love the way the academics are set up.” So Tatum is thinking Duke has the best 1 year high school post-graduate program in the country?
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NY Rep. Carolyn Maloney today cited the World Cup in calling for gender pay equality. “Women are being short-changed in soccer. We need to step up and work for equal pay.” The U.S. women’s national team received $2 million, whereas the men got $8 million for losing in the round of 16.
Well, and no doubt that’s because of TV ratings. The Women’s final had 25.4 million viewers, only about 2 million more than this year’s NBA finals game 6 and 2014’s World Series game 7. Oops, never mind.
Donald Trump is bragging that 15,000 supporters came to watch his Phoenix speech, and that tickets to ‘free’ event sold online for as much as $100. Right. But what’s more American than turning out for a really spectacular circus?
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Joaquin Guzman, “El Chapo”, who was the most wanted drug lord in the world until his 2014 arrest, apparently escaped from a Mexican maximum security prison for the second time.
Maybe they ought to rethink that “maximum security” part? #Whatsminimumsecurity?
Donald Trump, surprise, is seizing on the escape of drug lord “El Chapo” from a Mexican maximum security as proof of that country’s corruption. So what was the escape of two murderers from a U.S. maximum security prison proof of…?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: All-Star Game jokes, baseball jokes, Bills jokes, Janice Hough, Lebron jokes, soccer jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
July 12, 2015
There is a rumor that McDonald’s “Minions” toys, instead of spouting gibberish, actually speak in profanities. Is this a shameless ploy to sell more Happy Meals to pre-teens?
Once again it’s time for the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona, which brings people from around the world to Spain. You know, for a lot less money these folks could stay home and play in traffic?
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Tiger Woods, back at St Andrews for the first time in years said “It’s totally changed.” “Thinking the same about you” responded the Old Course.
Mark Cuban, after DeAndre Jordan apologized on Twitter for backing out of a verbal agreement to join the Mavericks “When is an apology not an apology? When you didn’t write it yourself. Next.”
Thinking one of the most anticipated NBA games of the year may be when the Clippers come to Dallas.
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A new GOP presidential poll shows Donald Trump and Jeb Bush tied at the top with about 15% each. If this keeps up, Trump’s campaign will attract some serious donations. From Hillary Clinton.
Donald Trump at a speech in Phoenix today- “Don’t worry, we’ll take our country back.” Back to what, the 19th century?
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Three things that should never be seen at #ATTPark: The DH, Dodger Blue, and the wave #SFGiants
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Seeing the #Phillies on your upcoming MLB schedule is like seeing the #Astros used to be. #goodtimes #SFGiants
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Joel Embiid, the 76ers top pick and #3 overall in the 2014 draft, sat out last season with a foot injury. Now he needs another surgery and will probably miss next season as well. Guess it’s not too early for Philadephia to start scouting 2016 draft picks.
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Goldstar has the Raiders-Cardinals preseason NFL game on August 30 for $12.50 in Oakland. Hmm, are they offering to charge us or to pay us?
From Marc Ragovin “Jason Pierre-Paul on his fireworks fiasco and its aftermath: “There’s no need to point fingers.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Clinton jokes, Janice Hough, McDonalds jokes, Phillies jokes, Running of the bulls jokes, Tiger Woods jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
July 9, 2015
Okay, Greece needs about a $53 billion dollar bailout. Here’s a way to kill two birds with one stone. Let’s move the U.S. Presidential Primary to Greece, along with all the consultants, media, etc. That should be well over a $53 billion injection of money into their economy. And we in America will only have to watch “plausibly live” highlights on tape delay..
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Reince Priebus, chair of the RNC, reportedly called Donald Trump and told him to “tone it down” on immigration. Wonder if DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz called Trump to remind him of his first amendment right to free speech.
Donald Trump just said in a CNN interview “I don’t know. I really don’t know,” when asked about President Obama being born in this country. “I don’t know why he wouldn’t release his records.”
At this point many people are beginning to wonder if Trump was born on this planet.
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And Geoffrey Zakarian is the latest chef to drop out of Trump’s new hotel in Washington, D.C.. over those immigration comments. When Trump sorts out his restaurants, thinking he may have some REAL issues getting housekeeping staff.
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Miami Marlins have signed Casey McGehee after the SF Giants released him yesterday. Well, maybe with all their injuries the Marlins figure they won’t have many opportunities with runners on base for McGehee to hit into a double play.
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Clayton Kershaw hasn’t had a great 2015. But Wednesday night he threw a complete game shutout against Philadelphia. Good for him, but does pitching against the Phillies count as a rehab assignment?
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Thursday morning
#LeBron has to be reading news & thinking “And they thought my ESPN show was the worst way to handle a decision.”
#DeAndreJordan
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U.S. officials say now that they thwarted “a number” of terror plots timed to July 4. Can we blame Obama?
Wow, just wow. Jeb Bush on fixing the economy: “People need to work longer hours and through their productivity gain more income for their families. That’s the only way we are going to get out of this rut that we’re in.”
And they thought Jeb’s brother was out of touch?
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If Jeb Bush’s “work longer hours” comment is really aimed at all the people who want to work full-time but are stuck in part-time jobs, then where is his statement condemning big corporations who DELIBERATELY schedule as many workers as possible just under the full-time threshold to avoid paying benefits?
While he’s at it, Jeb can decry all the corporations, hotels and airlines for example, who fire full-time employees and replace them with low priced hourly contract workers who also don’t get full-time work and benefits.
#crickets
Taco Bell is testing home delivery in 200 locations in California and Texas. Wouldn’t it make more sense to try the idea out in say, Washington and Colorado?
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From Bill Littlejohn . “The Spurs’ Matt Bonner says that tennis elbow caused by his iPhone led to his poor shooting.Tennis elbow from an iPhone–is that a case of ‘server error'”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: DeAndre Jordan jokes, Donald Trump jokes, greece jokes, Janice Hough, jeb bush jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
Left Coast Sports Babe 