Posted tagged ‘Oregon jokes’

All Ducked Up?

November 23, 2013

Well, those two Oregon players who were quoted as saying they didn’t want to go to the Rose Bowl again got their wish.

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Congrats to ASU on winning the Pac 12 South. All the Sun Devils have to do to host the Pac 12 Championship game is beat Arizona. Of course that’s the Oregon Ducks had to do too….

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Michigan State beats Northwestern to clinch the “Legends” division. Why do I think Woody and Bo wouldn’t be caught dead taking about “Legends” or “Leaders?”

 

The Gators lost in Gainesville to…. Georgia Southern? This is the most embarassing thing to happen in Florida since at least Wednesday.

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MLB’s security director is recommending that teams install metal detectors at each gate in 2014. I see a boom year for makers of plastic flasks.

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Dallas Cowboys have missed the playoffs for the last three seasons. And Owner/GM Jerry Jones said he’s been doing some of his best work in years. The rest of the NFC East would certainly agree with him.

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USC interim coach Ed Orgeron just got a vote of confidence from …Lane Kiffin. Just when things were going so well.

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The state attorney investigating possible sexual assault charges against FSU QB Jameis Winston says his office may not make a decision on whether to file charges until next week or later. How much later? After the Heisman announcement or BCS games?

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Johnny Manziel said he will announce his NFL decision before Texas A & M’s bowl game. “Wonder what he will decide?” said absolutely no one.

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Just to prove that putting stupid things in emails is not confined to one gender, a female Army colonel stepped down from leading a gender study after she wrote that only “average-looking women” should be used in Army materials used to attract women for combat roles.

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A reminder about flying U.S. airlines. It could be worse. A Pakistan Airlines pilot was jailed today for 9 months in Britain for being over the limit – too drunk even to drive a car – before he was about to fly to Islamabad. His defense, in Pakistan there is only a 12 hour “bottle to throttle” rule, and he had finished drinking 3/4 of a bottle of whiskey before that..

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There is talk of legalizing cell-phone use on planes. This could be a two-fer for airline profits: One fee for using your phone in the air. Another fee for sitting in a cell-phone free zone.

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A-Rod’s statement about his grievance hearing with MLB over his 211-game suspension. “We crushed it They had nothing.” Sounds like the same sense of reality Rodriguez had about facing postseason pitching.

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Class, nothing but class. Victoria and David Beckham caused lines to form outside a British Red Cross shop when they donated clothes to help typhoon victims in the Philippines. And now Kim Kardashian put some of her clothes on eBay for the same cause. Except she is keeping 90% of the profits for herself.

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It’s beginning in SF, the finger pointing over the 49ers somewhat underwhelming season, and some including Steve Young are putting blame on Colin Kaepernick. You’ve got to think it takes some work for Alex Smith to keep a little smile off his face.

 

A deal has been reached to halt Iran’s nuclear program. I blame Obama.

Rule Britannia?

October 24, 2013

The NFL keeps increasing the number of games in London in hopes of basing a team there someday. Might not be as hard to get players to move to England as the league might think – the country would have free healthcare for all their children and baby mamas.

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Apparently after Sam Bradford’s season-ending injury, the St. Louis Rams reached out to… Brett Favre. But the 44-year-old said that he really is retired now. “Couldn’t you have given it one more chance?” said every comedy writer in the country?

 

Alabama coach Nick Saban is complaining that Crimson Tide fans are leaving at halftime. Maybe it would help if the team scheduled opponents who would keep the game competitive after the first quarter.

 

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What’s scarier? That the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are now 0-7? Or that they probably aren’t the worst NFL team in Florida?

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Former Oregon Ducks TE Colt Lyerla, who left the team Oct 6 for what he said were “personal reason”, was arrested last night for cocaine possession. When he quit, Lyerla said that he “would pursue an NFL career.” Sounds like he’s well on his way to being league ready.

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Cal’s current football player graduation rate last in the conference and last among all BCS schools. Gosh, who’d a thunk the Bears would be the Pac 12 team to beat SEC teams at something?

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Where’s a good tornado when you need one? The Westboro Baptist Church plans to picket the World Series because Americans “worship the false idol of baseball.” Silly silly hateful bigots. Most Americans do not worship baseball. They worship football.

 

Apparently a breathalyzer test is being developed that will catch stoned drivers, as opposed to those might have just smoked the day before. Of course, it might be cheaper to just hold up a bag of Doritos, and see if the suspect snatches it from the officer’s hand.

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Why do I have a feeling this may be one of the understatements of the year. After Spirit Airlines delayed flights up to 12 hours for engine inspections, an airport spokesman said “there were several dozen people in Terminal 4 overnight. There were no arrests. Some did lose their tempers, but it was all worked out amicably.”

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Hope game 2 of the World Series is more competitive. The way they played last night the St. Louis Cardinals won’t be able plausibly to sell “game-used” gloves.

A STL minor league pitcher accused Boston pitcher Jon Lester of doctoring the ball, and pictures do show something in Lester’s glove, though the Cardinals never complained during the game. But come on, the Red Sox cheating? Just who would they have to think they are? The Patriots?

The average postseason baseball game has gone 3 hrs & 22 min. And fans of #Yankees #Redsox games are thinking, how do they play that fast?

 

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This Carlos Beltran is a pretty tough dude. If he were healthy all the way through 2011, would the SF Giants be sitting on a “three-peat?”

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Just maybe it is not a good idea to throw strikes to David Ortiz with runners on base in this postseason?

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For those who think I only pick on the SEC, Oregon and USC, this gem is from ASU via a friend ‘

“”I don’t know what that word is man. Arizona St. education, bro’. Break that one down for me.” Dustin Pedroia

What’s that? Oh, the word that confused him was “validity”.

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A couple was fined $250 each for having oral sex on a flight from Medford to Las Vegas. No word on how much the airline charged passengers for an entertainment fee.

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From BIll Littlejohn:

Marlins President David Samson predicts that his team will be playing October baseball next year.Boy, those Arizona Winter Leagues are starting earlier and earlier”
 

Barfman ?

September 14, 2013

A rumor is circulating that Justin Bieber is up for the role of Robin in the next Batman movie. Who says there’s no bipartisan agreement in this country? Think the reaction from most liberals and conservatives is – “I’m going to throw up.”

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ESPN says they have obtained a photo of Texas A&M QB Johnny Manziel signing for autograph broker Drew Tieman this January. Gosh if this is authentic and the NCAA had seen it, Manziel might have been suspended for three whole quarters.

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Cal’s football team did lose 52-34 to Ohio State Saturday night. But is it a moral victory that they scored 15 more than the SF Giants did in LA?

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The Fresno State-Colorado football game was cancelled due to flooding. Colorado coach Mike MacIntyre said “There are a lot of issues out there that are a lot bigger than football.” Now there’s a man who will never coach in Texas.

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This week, a Pennsylvania appeals court will hear Jerry Sandusky’s challenge to his child molestation conviction. If he loses, can they change his sentence to be served in the general population?

Quote from Harry S Truman, who may be smiling about Syria today: “It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit.”

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Oregon-Tennessee uniforms are as ugly as the game. The 80s called, they want their color scheme back.

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Oregon 59 – #Tennessee 7. Last time young men from the South were beaten this badly by young men from the North, General Lee was arranging terms of surrender.

.And lastly, from my friend Michael Schilby.  If this story isn’t true it should be.  Dedicated to all of us who have had TMI moments on public transit:

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

“Hi sweetheart. It’s Sue. I’m on the train”.

“Yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting”.

“No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss”.

“No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life”.

“Yes, I’m sure, cross my heart!”

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, “Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”

Sue doesn’t use her cell phone in public any more.

Not their Luck-y day.

January 6, 2013

Some thought the Colts’ fairytale story could continue deep into the postseason. Quoth the Ravens, “Nevermore.”

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Russell Wilson gave up a promising baseball career to play football.  Not sure who’s more upset about that now, MLB fans or the Washington Redskins.

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And okay, it’s the year of the rookie QB, but as to “last man standing,” who had Wilson?

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Not saying Russell Wilson is short, but he looks up to Doug Flutie. Literally.

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The AP has published their final election 2012 totals, and Mitt Romney got 47 percent of the vote. You’re a mean bitch, Karma.

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“Catmoji” has just launched. The first social network for cats. Presumably instead of “like” there will be an “ignore” button.

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Mamie Rearden, 114, just died, only 16 days after she became America’s oldest person. And her predecessor, Dina Manfredini, 115, died after being the oldest for less than two weeks. We’ve finally found a title that is more dangerous than being #3 with Al Qaeda.

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Syracuse coach Doug Marrone is leaving to coach the Buffalo Bills. Well, not sure what motivates Marrone, but it sure isn’t weather.

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Good that they usually end up getting it right. But how many of football’s most famous plays (Flutie’s Hail Mary, the Immaculate Reception, etc.. ) would have been a little different if they needed a 2-minute pause and then “After further review, the ruling on the field stands…”

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Always hated those TV bits early in football games where some starters introduce themselves and the universities they may or may not have graduated from. But got to love the Vikings DE last night – “Jared Allen, Culinary Academy.”

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The Bengals’ Andy Dalton on Saturday had one of the worst NFL playoff passing games in history. But Rex Ryan would still probably keep him in over Tim Tebow.

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Coach Brian Kelly says that leaving the Fighting Irish for the NFL “isn’t an option.” Right, like he told his Bearcats players in Dec. 2009 about Notre Dame: “It’s not an issue; I’m not going there. I love Cincinnati, and I’m staying here.”‘

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Nick Saban has sent two backup Alabama players home from the BCS championship game for violating curfew. So wonder if they were the only players who missed their bed check, or the only non-starters who missed their bed check.

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Thirty second Super Bowl ads going for $3.8M are almost sold out.   The New York Jets are rumored to have purchased a spot trying to sell a couple of QBs.

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So the same “sources” that had Oregon coach Chip Kelly gone to the NFL yesterday now have him returning to the Ducks. Hmm, maybe those NCAA sanctions against Oregon aren’t as imminent as we thought.

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From my funny friend Jim Barach:   “A battery powered toothbrush that was ticking set off a bomb scare at Atlanta’s airport. Apparently the TSA agents in Georgia had never actually encountered a toothbrush before.”

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(my follow up thought.  No report on who the traveler in question was, but guess we can assume he or she was not from England.)

 

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Japanese automaker Toyota announced plans to unveil their self-driving car research. Okay, there is no way to make a P.C. Asian driver joke here…

Call ups and kickoffs.

September 3, 2011

On a positive note for Northern California sports fans, Stanford’s football team kicks off their season today against San Jose State. And considering the way the 49ers and Raiders are playing in the pre-season, the Cardinal just might be the best team in the Bay Area.

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Meanwhile up in Eugene: QB Jeremiah Massoli was booted in 2010 after a burglary arrest, RB LaMichael James was suspended the same year over a domestic violence charge, and now QB Cliff Harris has been suspended after he was cited for driving 118 mph (and telling a state trooper on tape “there’s no marijuana, we smoked it all.”) Isn’t it time to rename the team the Oregon Bengals?

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Boise State will be without three starters for their season opener against Georgia, pending a review of those players’ NCAA eligibility. Yep, looks like the Broncos have made it to the big time.

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George W. Bush declined to criticize Dick Cheney’s book saying simply “I’m glad members of my family are giving their version of what it was like to serve our country.” Translation – “does anyone REALLY think I’ll read the thing?

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The post office is going to come out with a Ted Williams stamp. All paper cuts from licking the stamp will presumably only come from splendid splinters.

(Or as my friend Alex Schubert says, from ice crystals.)

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Sarah Palin is planning a major speech to a Tea Party rally in Iowa, which amongts other things, will be a “sharp indictment” of President Obama. Well, of course, amongst his other failings, Obama has gone past the halfway point of his term without quitting.

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GOP Candidate Ron Paul is lagging in the polls. Friday in New Hampshire he invited staffers and reporters to join him on a bike ride. During the ride, 76 year old congressman wore shorts. Please, no one give this idea to Newt Gingrich.

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For some time now, savvy travelers from the U.S. to Canada have known they could check a bag for free by booking the identical flight as Air Canada instead of their code-share partner United. Today the two carriers streamlined their policies – Air Canada will start charging too. Yeah,corporations are people. Greedy people.

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Derek Holland of the Texas Rangers has been averaging more than 7 runs of support a game when he has taken the mound in 2011. That background sound you hear is SF Giants pitchers quietly sobbing.

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Actually, the Giants, in their first game of September with the expanded rosters, actually scored some runs and beat the Arizona Diamondbacks 6-2.

Bringing up the question, why didn’t manager Bruce Bochy take a page from “50 First Dates” and set the clubhouse calendar to Sept 1 weeks ago?

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The NCAA punished UConn’s mens basketball team for rules violations and poor academic performance with a loss of scholarships. But now that star recruit Andre Drummond has at the last minute decided to skip prep school and join the Huskies, another player gave up his scholarship for him. Well, at least Drummond will only need the scholarship for a year.

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Here’s a potential solution to the “One and Done” issue in College Basketball. (A variation on the baseball model which says that college players must stay three years.) A school can give a scholarship to any star, even one they don’t think will stay. But that scholarship can’t be used again for three years, whether he leaves for the NBA or not.

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Former OSU coach Jim Tressel was just hired by the Indianapolis Colts as a game-day consultant to help determine when the team should challenge plays. Wonder if the Colts will pay him in memorabilia and tattoos?

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My friend Mark Brickman said of the current Congress: “They wouldn’t save their own mother if it somehow benefited the President.” Well, I think actually they might. But they would blame whatever put her life in danger on Obama.

Drive time:

June 15, 2011

Oregon star cornerback Cliff Harris was caught driving 118 mph on a suspended license early last Sunday morning.  But wait, it gets better. Turns out according to ESPN that the car was rented and paid for by a female university employee.  Who says that a friend of Harris’s asked to use the car, and paid her the cost of the rental in cash.

The woman added that she had no idea Harris would drive the car, and didn’t even know if his friend is on the team.

Yep, this should silence all those naysayers who say the Ducks don’t have a big-time football program.

(Not sure what will happen to Harris and his friend, but the woman, if she is fired by Oregon, should have a great chance to be hired by Jim Tressel.)

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New OSU head football coach Luke Fickell, a former assistant to Jim Tressel, said he had no idea about any NCAA rules violations: “I wasn’t going to say that I had blinders on, but I was very focused. I was not informed of any information until it became public knowledge.” Considering the cars his players were driving, having blinders on might have been Fickell’s best defense.

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Dirk Nowitzki, on Mark Cuban’s comment that he might want to reward the team with something other than “old school” rings – “I think I would vote for a ring. I mean, I’m a man. I don’t know how I’d feel about a bracelet. I’ve gotta go with a ring.” Besides in the NBA, when most players hear “bracelet,” they think “ankle.”

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Justin Verlander almost threw his third no-hitter tonight. Most teams look at him and think “I hope we don’t have to face him this year.” The Yankees think “I wonder how he’ll look in pinstripes.”

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Crystal Harris has apparently just called off her Saturday wedding to Hugh Hefner. Maybe Hef shouldn’t have told her about that pre-nuptial physical in which the doctor told him he was in good health and likely to live for many more years….

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A second judge turned down a request by Prop 8 supporters to disqualify the judge who overturned California’s ban on same-sex marriage, simply because the first judge was in a long-term relationship with another man. Makes sense, we don’t disqualify heterosexual judges in all rulings involving traditional marriages.

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Mark Cuban left a $20,000 tip at a Miami Beach nightclub after the Mavericks’ celebration party.  Along with a free tip for the Heat ownership – it takes more than three superstars to make a team

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For their NBA finals win over Miami, Governor John Kasich of Ohio just declared the Mavericks honorary Ohioans. For their surrender in the fourth quarter, how long will it take for the Heat to be declared honorary French?.

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Commie pinko time:

GOP 2000 – George W. will make our strong economy stronger. GOP 2004 – we need to re-elect Bush as the best man to fix the economy after 9/11. GOP 2008 – Bush did as well as anyone could have with this tough global economy, McCain will keep us on the right track. GOP 2012 – It’s all Obama’s fault.

Floored.

January 15, 2011

For all those who said Nike founder Phil Knight couldn’t have wasted money on anything that looked sillier than the Oregon Ducks’ BCS championship uniforms (with day-glo shoes and socks),  I give you…. the new Oregon basketball floor.

And those are trees on the wood, not water stains.

Just think, had Knight only been an SEC or USC grad he wouldn’t have to come up with all these ways to spend money on athletics-  he could have given the case directly to the players.  (or their fathers.)

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So much for the lifelong glory of that Hall of Fame football career. Actual headline today in the SF Examiner – “Former ‘Dancing with the Stars’ ‘star’ Lawrence Taylor – probation in rape case.

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The Octomom said today in an interview on Oprah that she was addicted to having children. Another shocking revelation in a week that brought us Nicole Kidman’s admission of having used Botox.

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Maine Republican Governor Paul LePage is skipping an event on MLK day and told the NAACP chapter when they complained that they can “kiss my butt.” Interesting choice of words for a man who is also opposed to gay rights.

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Rich Rodriguez, the recently fired Wolverines football coach, said he donated over 400 maize-and-blue items he amassed during his three years in Ann Arbor to the Salvation Army. The University of Michigan, equally committed to avoid waste, donated all their Rich Rodriguez items to a local composting operation.

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While soliciting bids for a plate at a charity auction, Andre Agassi, who is married to Steffi Graff, said if the bidding reached $4000, he would show the winner a naked picture of his wife on his cell phone. Bill Clinton is planning a similar idea- unless the bidding goes well, he will show the winner a naked picture of HIS wife.

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According to Manny Ramirez’s agent, at least five MLB teams have shown interest in signing the temperamental slugger. “I’ll take ‘gluttons for punishment’ for $600, Alex.”

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Tim Pawlenty says he’s either going to “run for president or open a margarita bar.” Moderate Republicans around the country are setting up a fund to get Sarah Palin a nice little leased storefront in Wasilla with plenty of tequila.

Ducks in the Soup.

March 13, 2010

Oregon running back LaMichael James has been sentenced to 10 days in jail for a domestic violence charge. And quarterback Jeremiah Massoli has pled guilty to second-degree burglary. Plus several other Ducks have been involved in “police incidents” this winter, some of them with charges pending. With all the different uniforms the Oregon football team has, maybe it’s time for them to add one with stripes.

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Nike actually manufactures all the uniforms for the University of Oregon teams. So considering the all those incidents and arrests involving the Ducks, plus of course the Tiger Woods story, maybe the company should change their slogan.

How about “Just do it. Just don’t get caught?”

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Actually the problem might be taking that “Just Do It” a little too literally. Another idea. “Just Think Before You Just Do It?”

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From Stanford coach Jim Harbaugh’s point of view this is got to be interesting. Oregon quarterback Jeremiah Massoli has now been suspended for a year after pleading guilty to burglary charges. And USC’s status is still up in the air between the NCAA investigation and the arrival of Lane Kiffin. A few more scandals and Cardiinal could find themselves a frontrunner for the Rose Bowl.

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76 Gasoline is running a commercial about a hypothetical “Ticket Talker,” a phone app that will provide you with a number of excuses for getting out of a speeding ticket. But they forgot the easiest one “Officer, it’s a Toyota.”

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Even though Gavin Newsom is running for lieutenant governor, he still wishes that his name would be on the ballot this fall as the Democratic nominee for governor. You know what, so does Meg Whitman.

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From Bill Littlejohn again: The Amy Winehouse Clothing Collection is coming in the fall.The Personal Property Department at Scotland Yard apologized for the delay

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Utah House majority leader Kevin Garn has admitted that 25 years ago when he was 28, he was naked in a hot tub with a 15-year-old girl, and paid her to keep quiet about it. His fellow Republicans in the state can’t decide whether to be shocked, or just grateful that it was a girl.

New York, New York…

March 11, 2010

More and more staffers keep coming forward regarding alleged groping and harrassment in New York Congressman Rick Massa’s office. If this keeps up future similar incidents may be known as “Massa-bation.”

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At first the allegations against Massa came from only one male staffer. But the additional complaints change things – it is no longer just a “he said he said” situation.

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And okay, how many predicted this? All these sex scandals in New York politics. And Senator Clinton’s husband isn’t a part of any of them.

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Nomar Garciaparra, one of the most beloved players ever at Fenway, signed a one day contract with Boston, so he could retire as a member of the Red Sox. And over in Green Bay, fans are telling Brett Favre, “Don’t even THINK about it.”

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Rush Limbaugh has said he will leave the U.S. for Costa Rica if a health care reform bill passes. In related news, the government of Costa Rica has just made a $1,000,000 donation to the Tea Party movement.

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University of Oregon star quarterback Jeremiah Masoli had a short stint in juvenile hall for his role in a series of robberies in high school when he was 17. Now he has been charged with burglary in Eugene. No wonder the guy has such a good 40 yard dash time – he’s needed it to avoid the cops.

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The charges against Masoli bring the total of arrests and charges against Oregon football players to five since the Rose Bowl, with several other players accused in lesser incidents. If this keeps up, Chip Kelly’s next addition to the team playbook could be memorizing responses to “You have the right to remain silent.”

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The Cincinnati Bengals have signed free agent wide receiver Antonio Bryant, which means they will probably NOT offer a contract to Terrell Owens. Which does answer one question. Yes, there are actually players who are considered too much trouble even for the Bengals.

My friend Alex Kaseberg has a good post today on his blog (www.thordoggie.blogspot.com) about Howard’s Stern’s comments about Gabourie Sidibe’s weight. Fortunately for Gabourie, she has the option of doing something about her weight as she gets older. Whereas Howard Stern is congenitally an a**hole.

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San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom who will be term-limited out in 2011, says he hasn’t decided about running for Lieutenant Governor, because if elected he doesn’t want to leave the city in the hands of an interim mayor for the remainder of his term. I guess he figures he did that enough while he was running for Governor.


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