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Replacement referees, weak 3.

September 24, 2012

What a country. I think many bad Supreme Court decisions have resulted in less outrage.

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Jon Gruden, in the midst of his rant against replacement referees, said that “Green Bay shouldn’t have to fly 6,000 miles back home with a loss here”. 6,000 miles? Yeah, this ought to do wonders for the dumb jock image.

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A thought about these replacement referees. If everyone in the NFL cares that much about getting it right, what was this billion dollar industry doing with part-time refs in the first place? (And yes, for non-football fans, the striking refs are contract employees, many with full-time other jobs.)

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Drew Brees described the replacement refs in the Saints’ game Sunday as “horrendous.” Assuming Drew just got a friend request from Aaron Rodgers.

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You cannot make this “stuff” up – – Mitt Romney on Ann’s plane scare last week: “When you have a fire in an aircraft, there’s no place to go, exactly, and you can’t find any oxygen from outside the aircraft to get in the aircraft, because the windows don’t open. I don’t know why they don’t do that. It’s a real problem. So it’s very dangerous.”

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An ex-Intel executive, who cooperated with investigators, escaped with a fine and probation for giving confidential info about his company to a New York hedge fund manager. Gosh, wonder if he had done something really bad, like sold an extra large soda?

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A flight attendant for US Airways Express was caught with a loaded gun in her handbag at Philadelphia International Airport. Well, that’s one airline where passengers may now think twice about whining for a second drink.

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Heath Bell, who lost the Marlins’ closer job, is complaining about Ozzie Guillen saying   “It’s hard to respect a guy that doesn’t tell you the truth or doesn’t tell you face-to-face.” Wonder if Guillen’s response would be “It’s hard to respect a guy with a 5.19 ERA who’s converted 19 of 26 save opportunities.

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Police said that renters moving into a home Sunday morning in Modesto, discovered a body. Yikes. Guessing someone won’t get their cleaning deposit back.

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How times have changed. Next Sunday Arnold Schwarzenegger is appearing on “60 Minutes” to plug his new “tell-all” book. Remember the days when some were hoping to change the constitution so that Arnold could run for President?

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Mitt Romney last night “We do provide care for people who don’t have insurance. If someone has a heart attack, they don’t sit in their apartment and die. We pick them up in an ambulance, and take them to the hospital….” Of course insurance for preventive care might have kept that heart attack from happening in the first place.

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Kerri Walsh Jennings just revealed she was pregnant when she and her partner won their last Gold medal at the London Olympics. And may I join millions of women around the world in saying “Weaker sex, my ass.”

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Any given away Sunday.

September 23, 2012

Okay, who had this after NFL week 3?. Ben Rothlisberger, Drew Brees, Tom Brady and Peyton Manning are all on teams with losing records.

 

Watching today’s 49ers-Vikings game made me glad we don’t have replacement umps in baseball: “So it’s one, two, three, four, five strikes you’re out….”

 

(For anyone who didn’t see, the referees allowed 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh to challenge a play after his third time out, wrongly decided the challenge and then allowed him to all another one.  Might answer the question “whatever happened to Chris Webber?)

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Hard to know what’s been uglier in some of Sunday’s NFL games- the officiating or the play on the field?

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Well for those fearing that the Washington Nationals winning their division was a sign of the apocalypse, the Redskins appear to be their usual awful selves.

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After SF Giants clinched division title last night, SF 49ers decided today was THEIR day to have fans on their feet screaming.

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Mitt Romney yesterday warned guests at a fundraiser that Obama could have us “on a pathway to become California.” The fundraiser was in San Diego.

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RNC chair Reince Preibus when asked about GOP plans for the economy – “I mean, we’ve got specifics coming out of our eyeballs.” So their plans include a Halloween movie?

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NY Police Commissioner Ray Kelly said the man who jumped into the Bronx Zoo’s tiger den wanting to be “one with the tiger,” was not drunk or insane. Well, one out of two, maybe.

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Kevin McClatchy, the former owner of the Pittsburgh Pirates, said in an interview with The NY Times that he is gay. Would be nice some day if the nationwide reaction was simply “so?”

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#2 LSU barely defeated Auburn 12-10 Saturday. Setting the Tigers up for a climactic loss to Alabama  November 3, and another repeat matchup in the BCS championship.

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Mitt Romney on fundraising: “I’d far rather be spending my time out in the key swing states campaigning, door-to-door if necessary….but fundraising is a part of politics when your opponent decides not to live by the federal spending limits.” Yep, once again, time to blame Obama.

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A Northern California elementary school principal was arrested a charged with selling methamphetamine. I think anyway. Is this a news story or an episode of Breaking Bad?

 

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More on Ann Romney’s “This is hard” quote.   It also included  “it is time for all Americans to realize how significant this election is and how lucky we are to have someone with Mitt’s qualifications and experience and know-how to be able to have the opportunity to run this country.
Where’s Clint Eastwood to ask the question  “Do you feel lucky, punks?”)

 

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If you’re reading this.

September 20, 2012

You’re already too late to get in line for the new iPhone 5.   Although the iPhone 4S is not even a year old.   Wonder how many people who stayed up all night kept hearing Siri say “You idiot, go home to sleep”

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A spat between two female flight attendants on an American Eagle flight at JFK got so heated the pilots decided to return to the gate for a new crew. For future, wonder if the airline is considering rescheduling the women, adding onboard mud and charging for inflight entertainment.

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Ann Romney today fired back at the media and critics of her husband: “Stop it. This is hard. You want to try it? Get in the ring.” Nothing personal against Ann, but what does she think being in the White House would be like?

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So have to wonder, if Matt Kemp had been suspended last month, would the Dodgers be leading the NL West?

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Bruce Springsteen has purchased an Olympic gold medal winning horse for this daughter. Does this mean “the Boss” is thinking of running for office?

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The first college football playoff hasn’t even started and commissioners are considering adding another game to be part of the semifinal rotation. Translation, the SEC wants more guaranteed games.

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This bus to hell moment brought to you by my friend Jim Barach.  “A California man is being accused of murdering his wife by slow cooking her. His attorney says the charges are a crock.”

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Wal-mart says they are phasing out the sale of Kindles. Guess it’s hard when your target customers don’t read.

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New Arkansas coach John L. Smith has filed for bankruptcy, declaring $25.7 million in debt. $25.7 million?!! So after coaching is Smith considering a run for Congress?

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Mitt Romney attacked President Obama’s saying he has learned “you can’t change Washington from inside, only from the outside.” Saying HE will fix it from the inside. Of course someone in 2007 said, “I don’t think you change Washington from the inside. I think you change it from the outside.” Yep. Romney, campaigning against John McCain.

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Florida Atlantic DE Carl Pelini says of their games this week with Alabama, that the Tide “ain’t what people think,” and “can be beat.” Sounds like what some of the cockier Christians said about the Lions.

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To show his support for Alex Smith, SF Giants manager Bruce Bochy has now been photographed wearing a SF 49ers cap. Out of habit, the NFL tried to fine him too.

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Letdown?

September 17, 2012

Wonder how many viewers tuned into tonight’s  49er-Lions game and were secretly disappointed by the relative lack of violence? Especially between the Jim Harbaugh and Jim Schwartz.

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Jim Harbaugh tonight borrowed Molly Ivins’ line about Ann Richards to praise his QB Alex Smith, saying he was “tougher than a two-dollar steak.”   And a Golden Corral Restaurants spokesman said,  “Hey, what did we ever do to you?”

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Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel says he will go to court to force teachers back to work. Which means either he thinks the union has gone too far, or he realizes children don’t vote.

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Have to wonder if the Cowboys will feel the same sense of urgency this week in signing that long term contract with Tony Romo?

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The Patriots fell at home to the Arizona Cardinals. Frustrated New England fans are wondering if they can blame it on Bobby Valentine?

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Dwight Howard in an ESPN interview to air tonight” That’s one of the lessons that I learned, you know. I can’t make everybody happy.” Here’s a hint, Dwight, if you can’t make up your mind, you don’t make anyone happy.

(Even Lebron James is saying,  “Hey, bro, at least I made a decision.”)

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Reggie Bush had such a good day, wonder if we should expect Kim Kardashian to reconsider?

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A new study has 7 signs of being a “shopaholic,” One supposed sign “You experience a rush of excitement when you buy.” Of course there’s a name for people like that, they’re called “women.”

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“I am not a witch” Christine O’Donnell, is considering another run for Senate in 2014, saying “I think I owe that to my supporters.” Not to mention the nation’s struggling comedy writers.

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Love these “bombshells.” The National Enquirer has a headline story about Malia and Sasha’s private school, saying 71% of students said they have attended parties where drugs or alcohol available. Wow. Would guess in most high schools it’s closer to 100%. (And wonder if that counted their parents’ parties.

(as a friend says,  well, that means 29% percent of the kids have already learned how to lie.)

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Stanford’s number 9?! Okay, not too bad after barely beating San Jose State and beating that other California team by a touchdown.

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My favorite statistic from last night’s Stanford-USC game: As the clock ran out in the first half with the Cardinal protecting against a Hail Mary, Curtis McNeal ran for 30 yards. Without that the Trojans would have been in minus numbers for net rushing.

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Netanyahu said today that the U.S. must establish a clear “red line” that Iran cannot cross with its nuclear program if it wants to avoid war. Sometimes I wonder, does the PM realize Americans are not electing a President of Israel?

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Another statement on Libya: “This is a time when we all should reflect on those who continue to give, even the last measure, of service and sacrifice, to promoting and defending America’s interests abroad. This is above all a reminder that politics should end at the water’s edge.” From Jon Huntsman, proving again why he was too sane to make it through the GOP primary.

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Moving on.

August 31, 2012

The  GOP in the end got their convention in with minimal damage from Hurricane Isaac. And the Dems next week feel pretty sure no storm will damage their show. Heck, with Joe Biden big winds feel it’s a matter of professional courtesy.

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So the “mystery guest” at the GOP convention was Clint Eastwood. Guess Clint didn’t read what Republicans said about him after that that “Halftime in America” ad.

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Wrote this before,  but…  If Mitt Romney were somehow to win in November, Madame Tussaud’s will face a real challenge – how to make a wax figure of a wax figure.

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As Isaac moves on, looks like New Orleans, a very blue dot in a very red state, escaped with minimal damage compared to the conservative rural areas nearby on the Louisiana and Mississippi coasts. Waiting for the fire-and-brimstone sermons about God’s intentions on this one.

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New Orleans appears to have made it through Isaac with minimal damage. So on Saturday the Superbowl,   instead of housing 20,000 refugees, will only hold several thousand folks who couldn’t find anything better to do than a Rutgers-Tulane football game.

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Some in the GOP are complaining about Chris Christie fast food and other “fat” jokes. Guess they forgot some of the humor includes recycled pre-heart-attack Bill Clinton jokes.

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Chad Billingsley may be out for the year. Bad news for the Dodgers. Good news for teams trying to dump pitchers signed to $100 million+ contracts.

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A new study found that extreme calorie restriction may not actually improve longevity. Well, and who wanted to live to be 100 and be hungry ALL the time anyway? –
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The NFL is starting Week 1 with replacement refs, leading many to worry that a mistake could be made that affects the outcome of the season. Like misapplying the “tuck rule?”

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An odd thought about Thursday’s GOP finale. So what happened to Hurricane Isaac? It delayed the convention, killed a few people and caused some serious damage in the U.S.. But not enough of a disaster to give Obama the chance to have a Presidential photo-op, so now not worth mentioning?

(Although let’s be fair, neither Louisiana nor Mississippi, the two hardest hit states, are swing states.  If so Obama’s federal aid would have been in a close race with Romney’s “private” charities to show up to deliver aid.)

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To every thing, there is a season.

August 21, 2012

For the second year in a row, Wisconsin will start a QB who graduated from his previous school, but had eligibility left so transferred for grad school to keep playing. Wonder if the Badgers tried to recruit Andrew Luck too?

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Of course,  all these graduate transfers of older players are certainly, per NCAA rules, for academic reasons.   Right.   And for readers who believe that, Melky Cabrera has a website he’d like to show you.

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Here’s what I don’t get. Todd Akins said he “misspoke.” “Misspeaking” to my mind is Obama saying he campaigned in all 57 states, or Romney introducing Ryan as the next President of the United States. Saying something you believe is only a mistake when it blows up in your face.

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When Todd Akins said he “understood from doctors” that pregnancy from “legitimate rape” was rare, is it just possible he took that “But I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night” commercial a little too literally?”

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Anyone else beginning to wonder if Todd Akins was “shut down” by more than a few women he wanted to date?

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You can’t make this “stuff” up post of the day. Todd Akin, he of the women rarely get pregnant from “legitimate rape” quote, sits on the House Science Committee.

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All these investors bemoaning buying Facebook stock. It could be worse. They could have invested in a business selling SF Giants “Got Melk” shirts.

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Todd Akin is vowing to stay in the Missouri Senate race. And privately a lot of people are hoping he does. Those people are called “Democrats.”

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Marketing fail of the day: A snail mail letter addressed to me personally from the Mitt Romney campaign – “I am running for President of the United States and because you are one of America’s most notable Republicans, I want to personally let you know why.”

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The Boston Red Sox, 11th in the AL in ERA, have fired pitching coach, Bob McClure. Maybe they need to bring back the beer and fried chicken.

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Scott McKenzie, who sang the 1960s anthem “San Francisco”, has died at the age of 73. Funeral attendees will no doubt be asked to “Be Sure to Wear Some Flowers in Your Hair.”

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The Western Athletic Conference apparently will drop football after the upcoming 2012 season. This is shocking – there are still football-playing schools left in the WAC?

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Philadelphia WR DeSean Jackson told ESPN that he didn’t give a full effort in 2011 because he didn’t want to get injured before signing a new contract. Well, that should make all those people who paid full price for Eagles tickets last year feel warm and special.

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Crimes and misdemeanors.

August 17, 2012

UNC has admitted that an internal probe found that over 54 classes, which were compused of more of half athletes, were either ” aberrant” or “irregularly” taught from 2007-2011.  Wonder if the Tarheels’  defense will be that they were hoping to apply for membership in the SEC.

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Dismissed LSU star Tryann Mathieu is now apparently in rehab. Well, if this football stuff doesn’t work out he has a potential real future in politics.

 

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This season, the NFL will require any fans who get ejected for bad behavior to take a 4-hour online course before they are allowed back into the stadiums again. 4 hours? Sounds like about as much time as many NFL players spent on their courses in college.

 

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Rudy Guiliani said that Joe Biden “has become a laugh line on late night television.” Interesting quote from a guy who is no longer relevant enough to be a “laugh line” on late night television.

 

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Here’s more of the quote from Rudy:   ““But I think the vice president of the United States has become a laugh line on late night television. I mean, I’ve never seen a vice president that has made as many mistakes, said as many stupid things. … There’s a real fear if, God forbid, he ever had to be entrusted with the presidency, whether he really has the mental capacity to handle it.  I mean, this guy just isn’t bright. He’s never been bright. He isn’t bright. People think, ‘Well, he just talks a little too much.’ Actually, he’s just not very smart.”

Amazing,  might be the longest statement Rudy’s ever made without mentioning 9/11.

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Apparently customs in Los Angeles seized a $18 million (!!) shipment of fake Louboutins from China. Just figured I’d post something that most of my men friends are as clueless about as SOME women say they are about the sports posts.

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Donald Trump, asked about Obama’s popularity with women said “Maybe (they) don’t know him. Maybe they don’t get what is going on.” Uh, really? On the other hand most women DO know that the Donald is an egotistical a**hole.

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A giant sculpture known as “Touchdown Jesus” near Cincinnati that burned to the ground in 2010 is being replaced by a new “Hug Me, Jesus.”. The new figure has arms outstretched rather than raised high. Guess they figured touchdowns in Bengals country were unrealistic.

Laura Townsend said the old one looked like it was surrendering… so maybe it referred to the Bengals and local police?

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Mitt Romney says he paid “at least 13% in taxes” for the last 10 years.  And why should Americans doubt anything a politician says?

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Jennifer Granholm,  forbidden ffrom ever running for President due to her being born in Vancouver,  with one of the more succinct statements on Mitt Romney and his taxes:  “I hate to get all Jerry Maguire on him but show me the money!”

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From my friend Gary Bachman:   Alex Rodriguez has listed his Miami home for $38 million. The home boasts nine bedrooms, 11 bathrooms, and 426 mirrors.

 

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High times at the Olympics:

August 7, 2012

Nick Delpopolo, who competed for the U.S, but didn’t medal in judo, has been expelled from the Olympics for marijiuana. He blames it on “inadvertent consumption of food that I did not realize had been baked with marijuana.” Brownies without the bitter taste of pot? A lot of people want that recipe.

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NBC trying to get us to embrace the pain of their Olympic coverage – retitling the broadcasts “Fifty Shades of Delay.”

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Algerian runner Taoufik Makhloufi was reinstated for Tuesday’s 1500m final, after being thrown out of the Olympics for not trying in Monday’s 800m heat. Wonder what Algeria used as evidence – Makhloufi’s favorite Chicago Cubs cap?

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Terrell Owens has signed a deal with the Seattle Seahawks. Maybe this is finally God’s payback for Pete Carroll getting off scot-free when he left USC.

(as Alex Schubert commented  –  “nothing says Nfl ready like being cut from an arena football team.)  –

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In Weymouth, England, firefighters were able to save a man after he caught his apartment on fire trying to dry his wet socks and underwear in a microwave oven. The response from most women: “Serious Darwin candidate.” The response from most men: “You mean you shouldn’t do that?”

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Penn State trustees are appealing sanctions, saying the NCAA did not give them “due process when it did not follow its usual investigation and enforcement procedures.” Uh, what about the investigation and enforcement procedures for all the boys raped by Sandusky?

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There’s bi-partisan support in Washington for a bill to make Olympic winnings tax-exempt.  But okay, maybe this sounds like a nice idea, but  does, for example the men’s basketball team really need the tax break? Or Mitt Romney’s dressage horse?

(Actually with all the NBA stars on the team, the tax break men’s basketball may really need is on child support.)

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Brazil’s Fabiana Murer, the defending world champion in pole vault, blamed the wind for not attempting her final jump. In Beijing, she blamed her exit on organizers giving her the wrong pole, (which they did, but said she should have checked her equipment.) With that much whining Murer may be named an honorary American.

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Shannon Eastin will this week become the first woman to be part of an NFL officiating crew. She will work the preseason game between the Green Bay Packers and San Diego Chargers. Good thing Brett Favre has retired, could be distracting for her to referee the game AND ignore his texts.

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More trenchant than funny.  But “white supremacists” do their best to make the phrase an oxymoron.

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Michele Bachmann didn’t intend for anyone to shoot up a Sikh temple when she went after Huma Abedin and her alleged ties to the Muslim brotherhood. But if we’re going to defend both the first AND second amendments in the U.S., then maybe politicians should think before they further inflame the crazies.

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Approaching rings.

July 26, 2012

Ah,  we really know the Olympics are almost here.   Nine athletes, including Olympic bronze medalist runner Nataliya Tobias, have tested positive for “sophisticated doping” offenses.

(of course, have to wonder, if they are REALLY sophisticated, how many haven’t been caught?)

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-President Obama’s re-election campaign is taking the high road with Rafalca, Ann Romney’s dressage medal candidate. A spokeswoman said “We are rooting for the Romney horse in London.” (And no doubt, the last-night comedy feast if Rafalca wins a gold.)

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It’s on, it’s off, it’s on, it’s off. Now Dwight Howard says he still wants a trade. This guy’s had so many positions on the subject he might be angling for a place in a possible Romney administration.

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London organizers accidentally played the South Korean national anthem for the North Korean women’s soccer team.  It’s times like this I really miss Sarah Palin.

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LSU has offered a talented kid named Dylan Moses a football scholarship. Moses said: ” It means that all my hard work is paying off. All the two-a-days and practices from when I was six on up, it’s paying off right now.” Dylan won’t be starting for the Tigers soon though, he’s 14 years old and going into 8th grade.

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Mitt Romney on the Colorado shooter, telling NBC why stricter gun laws wouldn’t help: “This person shouldn’t have had any kind of weapons and bombs and other devices and it was illegal for him to have many of those things already. But he had them.” Uh, maybe Mitt should learn what the laws are before he changes his positions on them.

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You cannot make this “stuff” up. Penn State penalties are supposed to show that no college football program is above the “law.” And one of the first “casualties” for the Nittany Lions is potentially Silas Reed, the team’s leading rusher, who might be going to USC – in the Trojans’ first year after sanctions made THEM bowl ineligible….

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Mitt Romney’s campaign is trying to backtrack from comments an advisor made that Mitt would do better with Britain because he is “part of an Anglo-Saxon heritage.” Uh, besides the racial slant, how about the fact that a number of Romney supporters probably hear “Anglo-Saxon” and think “darn foreigners.”

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The Mets are 1-11 since the All-Star Break. In New York they are re-dubbing it the “All-Star retirement party.”

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Thought for the night. Another piece of evidence indicating that women are less likely to be homicidal spree killers- the fact that so many men are still alive.

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Chad Johnson, the football player previously known as “Ochocino,” says his problem with the Patriots was “My personality was controlled last year.” Adding “You didn’t hear me at all last year. Zero. Zilch. When my mouth is running, it forces me to perform.” “Thank you, Jesus.” said every sports comedy writer in the U.S.

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Twitter is down. Raising a question for our time “If Twitter goes down in a forest and no one can tweet about it, does it make a sound?”

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Back to jokes.

July 21, 2012

21 people in San Jose were treated for burns on their feet after a Tony Ribbons  “Unleash the Power Within” seminar, which concluded with participants “firewalking” in bare feet over hot coals.

Uh, wouldn’t a better title be “Unleash the Idiot Within?”

 

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What’s more bizarre? That in late July 2012 Tim Lincecum won to boost his record to 4-10. Or that many skeptics dismissed the win by saying “Oh, it’s only against the Phillies?”

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Our long national nightmare is over. Starting Monday, “The Daily Show” and “The Colbert Report” are back on Direct TV.

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When asked about the new NBA idea to put ads on uniforms, MLB commissioner Bud Selig said “You learn never to say never, but you know, with us, uniforms are really important.” Translation, “The Yankees don’t want ads.”

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Tennessee Titans WR Kenny Britt was arrested this morning for DUI in Kentucky. Okay, so we can’t solve all the problems of the world, but maybe the NFL could start mandating contracts that include players using cars and drivers?

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A large black dog crossing the road in front of Tour de France riders has caused a crash in Friday’s stage of the race. And somewhere a French cat is sitting in the sun smirking and thinking “chien fou.”

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An Oregon woman is selling her house after a divorce with a “For Sale” sign saying “Husband left us for a 22 year old. No adulterers please.” Maybe if she’s lucky she’ll sell it to a gay couple who’ve been together 40 years.

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The U.S. Defense Department is making a special allowance for the San Diego Gay Pride parade, allowing  service members for the first time to march in such an event in uniform.

One word:  “Fabulous.”

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From Gary Bachman:  “Olympic officials will reportedly provide more than 150,000 condoms to athletes at no cost during the London 2012 Olympic Games. The USA Men’s Basketball team asked, ‘What are condoms?’

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Aubrey Huff is going to return to San Francisco for another MRI. Apparently he had a knee setback. “Darn” said absolutely no Giants fans.

 

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Risky business.

July 17, 2012

Another day, another sports DUI arrest.  (Today the NFL  Seahawks’ Marshawn Lynch.) Maybe teams should start adding “doing your own driving” to prohibited activities like spelunking and skydiving.

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NY Police reportedly say that Jason Kidd was so drunk when HE was arrested he didn’t even know how he had crashed his car. Kidd was signed to be a mentor to Jeremy Lin – Uh, maybe to give him advice like “Dude, when you’re hammered, call a taxi?”

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From Maaj  “Jason Kidd got a DWI. He tried to pass the sobriety test but it got picked off.”

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Joe Paterno’s family is denying the Louis Freeh report’s findings. Sounds like denial is genetic.

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Interesting. Many of the people who said that Joe Paterno was NOT getting doddering and senile, are now defending him by saying he was….

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The President and Vice President attended tonight’s exhibition game between the U.S. and Brazil. Team USA had to rally from an early 10 point deficit to win 80-69. Just as well, otherwise the GOP would have one more thing for which to blame Obama.

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Kudos to Susan Collins of Maine just cast her 5000th consecutive vote. (Third longest ever.). As one of the few moderates in the Senate, Collins often has to be one of the deciding votes on close bills. So this ought to silence (again) those who believe women don’t have the stomach for tough politics.

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Cincinnati star Joey Votto will have surgery on a torn meniscus, and will be out 3-4 weeks. The injury was sustained June 29, when the Reds were playing….San Francisco. Yep, the Giants broke ANOTHER player.

(Oscar B. says, “how long until an MLB investigation?”)

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Target is now stocking new same-sex marriage along with tradtional marriage cards. Very cool. The company is embracing tolerance, or at least LGBT buying power.

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Nadia Lockyer resigned in April her Alameda County, California, board of supervisor’s position after a drug/sex scandal. Today state treasurer Bill Lockyer has filed for divorce. And who saw this coming?

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Donald J. Sobol, 87, has passed away. He authored the Encyclopedia Brown series. Wonder how many clues mourners will have to find to make it to his funeral.

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Lindsay Lohan’s dad is going to have another child with his sometimes girlfriend Kate Major. It’s times like these that you wish the requirements to become a parent were at least as strict as adopting a pet from the Humane Society.

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Golden State Warriors center is apparently being investigating in his home country of Latvia for alleged income tax evasion. Well, that’s a change. An NBA player evading taxes? Usually it’s child support.

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Tim Pawlenty for Romney’s V.P.? Well, maybe they figured Pawlenty was one of the few people who could make Romney look like “Mr. Excitement.”

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Primary day.

June 5, 2012

Open note to all Californians. On June 5, please remember to vote – lots of primary races plus Propositions. Not voting means that until the next election you will have forfeited all bitching rights.

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A beer at the London Olympics will cost $11 USD this summer. $11?! “Is the government subsidizing prices”, asked Yankees fans?

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The Kings are one win away from the Stanley Cup after their 4-0 win tonight over the Devils. Not to say that sports fans in Los Angeles really don’t get hockey, but when told the score many commented “Nice shutout, who was pitching?”

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Of the top 20 picks in today’s MLB draft, 12 were chosen right out of high school. Which means they’ll spend about as much time in college classes as most of the NBA “One and dones.” –

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George Zimmerman’s lawyer said Zimmerman made a “mistake” not revealing he had raised over $100,000 at his original bail hearing, adding “We feel the failure to disclose these funds was caused by fear, mistrust, and confusion.” Uh, “fear, mistrust and confusion.” Sounds like part of what got Trayvon Martin shot in the first place. –

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Celene Dion admitted on the Today show about “My Heart Will Go On,” that “If I just count how many times I’ve sung it, maybe it’ll get me sick.” Millions of Americans said, “Join the club, honey.” –

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A CNN Electoral Map says the 2012 Presidential election will come down to only 7 contested states – Colorado, Florida, Iowa , Nevada, New Hampshire, Ohio and Virginia. Isn’t it nice to know our founding fathers fought for a system that makes our individual votes for president in the other 43 states basically meaningless? –

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Starbucks just bought a small SF bakery chain (La Boulange) to start adding French pastries to their food offerings. Coming soon, the $10 croissant?

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The SF Giants say that Freddy Sanchez, whose return has been slowed most recently by back issues, may start taking some light batting swings. When Sanchez returns to the lineup will the giveaway at A T & T Park be plastic flying pigs? –

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The two largest counties in Florida have stopped purging voter names after a Department of Justice said it was illegal. In their defense, state officials said that with recent actions in Arizona, Florida had felt they needed to move fast to keep their “Craziest State in the Union” status.

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Since contract talks with the NFL Referees Association “remain unresolved” the NFL said they will immediately begin to hire and train replacement officials, adding “our goal is to maintain the highest quality of officiating for our teams, players, and fans.” Uh “maintain?” Really?  –

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The Washington Wizards will stay with formerly interim coach Randy Wittman for next season. Makes sense, who else would want the job?

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Donald Trump now says he is not a racist because he picked Arsenio Hall as the winner of Celebrity Apprentice. Right. So what’s next, the Donald will go to the NBA finals and say he should be elected president of the NAACP?

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From Bill Littlejohn:   Last week was the 75th birthday of the  Golden Gate Bridge. It’s the only man-made thing on Earth suspended longer than Sean Payton.

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On the clock.

April 26, 2012

The NFL is thinking about suspending the Pro Bowl. “That’s such a shame,” said absolutely nobody.

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Even though the NFL plans to suspend the Pro Bowl they intend to keep the balloting. So stars can get picked without actually really playing a game. Doesn’t sound much different than the status quo.

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In one of the most anticlimactic announcements of the year, Andrew Luck was the #1 draft pick of the Indianapolis Colts. Asked today what his favorite part of college was, Luck responded “Beating Cal!” Go Cardinal.

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The Ottawa Senators today became the last Canadian team eliminated from the NHL playoffs, thereby assuring that the 1992-93 Montreal Canadians remain the last Canadian team to win the Stanley Cup.

Canada in a two-decade hockey championship drought? This is like the U.S. having a two-decade drought in hot-dog eating.

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Watching NFL draft and wondering how many of these guys will be taking a pay cut next year?

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In Redwood City, California, the Daily News reports a 10th grader’s parents are suing the school district for kicking him out of an honors class for copying another kid’s homework They say his “due process rights were violated” because the school’s rules are “vague and contradictory.” Can’t imagine how the kid got that sense of entitlement.

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Newly-acquired and highly-touted New York Yankees starter Michael Pineda is out for the year. The Yankees are reacting the same way many wealthy New York women might react to a broken Christian Louboutin heel – “Well that s*cks, but time to go shopping.”

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Amongst other craziness tonight the Washington Generals, er, Wizards, beat the “Big Three”-less Heat by 34. And the Sacramento Kings beat the Kobe-less Lakers by 17. Proving again that the NBA should have offered these last games of the year at pre-season prices. Or lower.

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Boy Scout officials in Ohio have removed a popular Tiger Scouts (1st graders) den mother because she is a lesbian. Parents are protesting. And really, if these idiots are that worried about abuse, wouldn’t a lesbian be the safest leader around small boys?

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Not sure if the San Francisco Giants’ Aubrey Huff’s struggles on the field contributed to his going on the DL with an anxiety disorder. But on the bright side Huff has one more home run in 2012 than Aubert Pujols.

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Former Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour is warning of a barrage of anti-Romney ads, saying ” Obama didn’t have to run a primary so he’s sitting on a stack of money so tall that a show dog couldn’t jump over it,” Well, especially a show dog who’s been cramped in a crate on a car roof so his legs are out of shape….

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Newt Gingrich said today that his “campaign will go bye-bye.” The man is 68 years old and he says “Bye-bye?” Who does he think he is talking to, one of his soon to be ex-wives?

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Bobby Valentine apparently started out with the wrong lineup for a game against the Twins, because he misread an iPhone app and thought a right-handed pitcher was a lefty. Sigh. There may not be beer in the Red Sox clubhouse, but sounds like Boston will be selling plenty in the stands.

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A dispute between rival hot dog vendors in downtown Albuquerque resulted in one vendor running over another with his cart. Insert “size of weiners” joke here.

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America’s game

February 4, 2012

Your tax dollars at work: 35% of people who attend the Super Bowl write it off as a corporate expense.

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Wonder which team Mitt Romney has picked for his $10,000 bet on the Super Bowl?

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Newt Gingrich’s latest rant Friday was against the New York City “elites.” Well, at least that leaves out the Mets.

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The latest music rumor – Adam Lambert is joining Queen. Old time rock and roll fans may ask “Who’s Adam Lambert.” Young music fans may ask “Who’s Queen?”

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Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay said in a statement today “Peyton Manning, Jim Irsay and the entire Colts family remain close and unified.” Sounds like Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian on the 60th or so day of their marriage.

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Great jobs report today. You know what that means. Time for the GOP to start talking about Obama’s birth certificate again.

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Mitt Romney called today’s drop in unemployment “good news” , but said that “it has taken a lot longer than it should have, in part because of the policies of this administration.” Of course, if unemployment rises in February, it will be completely BECAUSE of President Obama….

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Rumor has it Kim Kardashian and Mark Sanchez are dating. Is there some way we can make sure they won’t breed?

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While visiting India, Arnold Schwarzenegger told a TV channel he would consider acting in Bollywood if offered “an interesting script with a good director.” Why? Lack of those things never stopped him making movies here.

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From Jim Barach: “A woman was arrested after reportedly trying to extort Yankees GM Brian Cashman. Now Cashman knows how fans feel when they go to buy a hot dog and beer at a Yankees game.”

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A United Airlines flight on Thursday from Chicago to Portland stuck a bird during takeoff and turned around and landed without reported injuries. Well, except for the bird.

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Several other Big Ten coaches are upset after Urban Meyer allegedly “poached” committed recruits from other conference schools. Meyer denies any violations. And Urban should be an expert on wrongdoing since 31 of his players were arrested during his six years at Florida.

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The Koch brothers, along with other conservative millionaires and billionaires apparently want to defeat President Obama so badly they are pledging $100 million. $100 million! Or as Mitt Romney calls it “pocket change.”

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NFL players have been complaining about the injury risks from the 8 Thurs. night games with the shortened recovery period after Sunday. Today Roger Goddell announced they will have 13 Thursday games in 2012, “giving all of the league’s teams a chance to appear in prime time on some outlet.” Can’t imagine how people get the idea the NFL cares more about profits than players.

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Not a Romney fan but have to love Newt Gingrich attacking today Mitt for his verbal gaffes. At least as far as we know Romney didn’t make a mistake with that “forsaking all others” stuff.

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Flor-i-duh Follies.

January 29, 2012

Amazing that of the two leading GOP presidential contenders now, the Mormon is the one with only one wife.

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Several injuries were reported at a casino construction site in Cincinnati. when a floor fell into a V shape Friday and sent workers crashing to the ground. It was one of the more noteworthy collapses in town, well, not involving the Bengals.

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Great line from Bill Maher – appropriate to many nonpartisan occasions – “It’s very hard not to be condescending when you’re explaining something to an idiot.”

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Overhead on the Pro Bowl telecast in the third quarter. “We’ve got a football game.” No, we’ve got a close score in an exhibition no one cares about, but it’s something to do on a Sunday before baseball starts and while NBA games don’t really matter.

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Newt Gingrich says of Mitt Romney, “He would say thing after thing after thing that just plain wasn’t true.” Like “Honey, sorry I couldn’t make it home… I was working late”?

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NFL Commissioner Goodell says the recession has helped grow TV audiences. “People want to feel part of a group, feel like they’re connected, and now during these difficult times, they can turn on free television…and forget their worries for just a few hours.” Very warm and fuzzy. Unless enough fans can’t afford tickets so the NFL blacks out their teams non-sellout home games.

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Mitt Romney is leading in Florida polls, especially around Orlando. Makes sense, in the Disney area most people have developed fond feelings towards life-like creatures.

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An Arizona city council candidate, Alejandra Cabrera, is fighting a judge’s ruling that barred her from running for office because her English was too poor. She should instead have considered running for Governor of California.

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The woeful Washington Wizards won their first road game of the season Saturday night against the Charlotte Bobcats. Thereby postponing at least briefly their team name change to the Washington Generals.

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Novak Djokovic beat Rafael Nadal for the Australian Open in a 5 set, 5-hour, 53-minute final. 5 hours and 53 minutes? That’s almost as long as a Kardashian marriage.

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Although Robert Rock and Tiger Woods were tied going into today’s final round of the Abu Dhabi golf tournament, Rock shot a 70 and won by two strokes. Wow. nobody is Tiger Woods any more. Not even Tiger Woods.

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Kim Jong Very Ill. (Dead actually.)

December 19, 2011

Kim Jong Il died at the age of 69. “What a shame” said absolutely no one outside North Korea.

Not a great year for evil dictators. Shame the North Korean press release just said it was due to “overwork” and not “overwork fighting against the evil United States.” Though it might be a bit much even so for President Obama to take credit for this one.

The New York Times said tonight about Kim Jong Il – “He fostered perhaps the last personality cult in the Communist world.” “Who am I, chopped liver?” responded Fidel Castro.

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Added Mark Brickman, “He was outlasted by his playful mother, Ma Jong.”

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Okay, okay, we get it, Tim Tebow is not a good NFL quarterback. Although today neither were Aaron Rodgers and Eli Manning.

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Apparently God looked at that Patriots-Broncos matchup, and said “Over my pay grade, I’m just going to help Tim Tebow by helping Matthew Stafford and the Lions.”

My friend Daniel Silveira commented, “God had a prior commitment in North Korea. After taking care of Kim Jong , Jesus pointed to the sky and said, -“thank you Tebow.

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The Indianapolis Colts won their first game today, and after the game announced that Peyton Manning won’t play in 2011. Makes sense, the Colts are just one win away from having to flip a coin with the Vikings or Rams to get Andrew Luck.
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Thinking some of those 1972 Miami Dolphins are getting too old to be able to pop their own champagne corks.

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Mitt Romney is trying to show his softer side. So he went on Fox News Sunday to and talked about his wife and his personal history. Wonder if this week he’ll try to fill stockings for all those underprivileged corporations at Christmas?

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The Redskins beat the Giants 24-10, and it wasn’t that close. Even Nancy Pelosi looked surprised. Oh, right, she always looks surprised…but this time she really was.

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How bad a day did the Giants and Eli Manning have against the Redskins today? New York fans started to count down the days until Mets spring training.

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Bob Dole endorsed Mitt Romney, thereby surprising many Americans. “Bob Dole is still alive?”

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Nice win by Carolina over Houston today, but Jeremy Shockey claimed he was motivated because the Texans “weren’t showing respect to America during the National Anthem.,There were about 10 players who didn’t put their arms across their chest. This is America.” Uh, okay, but I grew up learning you put your hand on your chest for the Pledge of Allegiance. You sing (and take hats off) for the Anthem.

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Reunions and separations.

December 17, 2011

Brian Wilson is reuniting with the Beach Boys for a 50th anniversary tour. No doubt a featured hit will be “Help Me Rhonda, I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up.”

(Or “Fun, Fun, Fun until my kids and the DMV take my T-bird away.”)

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Upon reflection on Vanessa Bryant’s filing for divorce,, two questions emerge. 1. Did Kobe get room service anywhere lately? 2. Did Vanessa just find out about Callista Gingrich’s $500,000 line of credit at Tiffany’s?

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Kobe and Vanessa are apparently sharing custody of their children. Wonder who gets custody of the jewelry.

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Barry Bonds has been sentenced to 30 days house arrest, and 2 years probation. Well, makes sense, if they throw everyone who hasn’t been truthful about PEDs behind bars we’d need to build a lot more prisons.

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Hamleys, London’s most famous toy store, has this Christmas eliminated its pink “girls” and blue “boys” floors, and has said they will no longer group toys by gender. Why do I think that if they were in the U.S. at least one GOP presidential candidate would accuse them of violating the Constitution.

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Just wondering, did former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney bet anyone $10,000 on the Patriots-Broncos game?

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Ron Paul said on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno that, while he is 76, his “ideas are young.” Well, not as young as Mitt Romney’s, since he’s only had his current ideas for a four or five years max.

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And Ron Paul, while he has some odd ideas, is certainly different from most of the other GOP candidates. For starters, his sentences have nouns, subjects, verbs….

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The Canadian Transportation Agency has said that Canadian Airlines (Air Canada and WestJet) must either ban cats on flights with allergic passengers, or else provide cat-free buffer zones and effective ventilation. Could they do the same for folks who wear too much perfume, don’t bathe, or spend the flight talking loudly nonstop?

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Mitt Romney, who once worked for a health-care consulting company, told an audience today that until he got into government, he didn’t understand the difference between Medicaid and Medicare. Is Mitt trying now to appeal to Rick Perry voters?

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Top four ESPN.com headlines Friday were about the Penn State trial, Bonds’ sentencing, the Bears cutting Hurd after his drug dealing arrest, and the NFL upholding Harrison’s suspension. I’ll tell you, even as a pro-choice woman who isn’t very religious, listening to Tebow’s thanking his “Lord and Savior Jesus Christ” is sounding pretty good by comparison.

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Britney Spears, 30, is now engaged to be married for the third time. Wonder if that means when she gets tired of singing, Spears is planning a career in national GOP politics.

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Newt Gingrich STILL maintains that the $1.6 million he got from Freddie Mac was simply for giving advice as a historian. We could only wish. If that were the going rate, history professors on college campuses would be richer than football coaches.

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It must be the holiday season. The House passed an emergency $1 trillion budget bill by a bipartisan 296-121 vote. These days I wouldn’t have thought you could get a 296-121 vote to pass a resolution saying “Merry Christmas.”

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Let’s hope Mike McQueary finally told the truth today about that shower incident back in 2002. But one question I’d like to ask Mike – “You saw that, you told people, and yet Sandusky remained around campus and you know nothing happened. Didn’t you ever feel that maybe you should have gone to the police?

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Stumbling towards the weekend.

December 10, 2011

Penn State’s “Office of Licensing Programs” issued a letter to vendors saying effective immediately “Penn State will no longer approve any designs featuring Mr. Paterno’s name, likeness, and/or image.” Shame when the abuse allegations first came to light that the university wasn’t so quick to sever all ties to Jerry Sandusky.

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Rick Perry’s latest math gem – referring to the “eight unelected and frankly unaccountable judges” on the Supreme Court. Well, to be fair, nine is a much bigger number than three.

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Perry also referred to Supreme Court justice Sonya Sotomayor as “Montemayor.” Who knew, in a few short years another Texas governor would make George W. look articulate.

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A lot of controversy now over whether Browns QB Colt McCoy should have been allowed back in the game after a helmet on helmet hit from the Steelers James Harrison. Some say now that McCoy wasn’t coherent. But that never stopped Terry Bradshaw.

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Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert, in criticizing the proposed Chris Paul to the Lakers trade said “When will we just change the name of 25 of the 30 teams to the Washington Generals?”

Actually, Gilbert was wrong. 16 NBA teams make the playoffs every year. We should only consider changing the name of 14 of the 30 teams to the Washington Generals.

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UCLA forward Reeves Nelson has now been dismissed from the team. This for bad behavior during his second suspension from the team this year. (And missing a team flight to Maui.) So Nelson’s punishment? Not playing for a team that is second from last in the Pac-12, and hanging out playing pickup games until the NBA draft. Rough.

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Men’s Health magazine declared the “Hottest Woman of all Time” to be…. Jennifer Aniston. Okay, now maybe as a straight woman I’m not a good judge, but most of my male friends didn’t even think Jennifer Aniston was the hottest woman on “Friends.”

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In threatening to cancel his debate, Donald Trump said he was particularly upset with Michele Bachmann for dropping out, because she’d come to see him four times and he had helped promote her as a candidate. Said the Donald, it’s actually called “loyalty.” Interesting choice of words from a man who’s been married 3 times.

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Jon Stewart said “Thank you, Jesus” when he heard about Donald Trump moderating a debate. Now Trump may cancel the debate because only Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich are participating. Guess Jesus figured we needed to be satisfied with Tim Tebow.

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A woman was arrested in a Tulsa Walmart, allegedly for trying to mix meth using chemicals she found in the store. Was she busted for doing something illegal, or for potentially undercutting Walmart’s meth prices?

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Ohio State still awaits word on possible football sanctions for “failure to monitor” their program. But OSU did get a NCAA special waiver to let incoming coach 2012 Urban Meyer begin recruiting. (Otherwise he would put them over the limit of allowed coaches.) This gives the Buckeyes a nice head start over teams with coaches in bowl games. Can’t imagine how the NCAA gets the image of favoring big conferences.

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So maybe we should talk about NBA players wearing helmets? Golden State Warriors guard Charlie Bell was jailed for several hours yesterday when he showed up for a court hearing legally drunk. The hearing was for his DUI case. (Really. You cannot make this “stuff” up.)

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Kim Kardashian’s had a special “limited edition” (only 1000 bottles produced) LOVE perfume created for her wedding. Now the fragrance is part of a holiday gift set at Macy’s. Guess the “limited” part was as real as the marriage.

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Occupy Wall Street members in New York staged a protest that shut down production of “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.” Wonder how long it will take for the show to write an episode about it.

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From my friend Alex Kaseberg: “Tom Cruise wants to make a sequel to ‘Top Gun’ 25-years later; in this one Cruise shakes his fist at the bogeys and yells; “Slow down, punks, this is a neighborhood.”

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Follow up thoughts.

Does Cruise scream “I feel the need, for a pee?

or “You punks get off my tarmac?”

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Another “Perry in the headlights” moment.

November 15, 2011

Since deer were complaining, “Hey, we don’t look THAT stupid.”

Herman Cain’s excuse for flubbing a question on Libya – he had only had four hours of sleep. Well, and shouldn’t that make us feel all warm and fuzzy about that potential 3:00am phone call?

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In GOP Congressman Allen West’s defense of waterboarding, he cited that in the movie ‘G.I. Jane,’ Demi Moore was waterboarded. Great, what’s next? Some other congressman citing that noted terrorism expert Jack Bauer?

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After his team went to 0-10, owner Jim Irsay tweeted “FAITH.” Responded God “Hey NFL, I’m giving you Tim Tebow, how many miracles do you want?”

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Rex Ryan said the time-out called by Mark Sanchez near the end of the first half (with 17 seconds left on the play clock, thus leaving more time for Tom Brady to score), was “the stupidest thing in football history.” After watching the Falcons go for it on 4th and 1 at their own 29 against the Saints in OT, I’m not even sure it was the stupidest thing on Sunday.

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Regarding Jerry Sandusky: Who thought it would be such a short reign as “Most hated person in America” for Casey Anthony.

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Blech. Yes I know about innocent until proven guilty, but…. Jerry Sandusky in an interview with Bob Costas tonight said that he had only “horsed around with kids I have showered (with) after workouts.” Never thought I would look back with nostalgia on the innocent days of “It depends what the definition of ‘is’ is.”

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After the interview with Sandusky, Costas’ first comment was reputedly. “I need a shower…. Uh, make that a bath.”

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From my funny friend Jim Barach “Washington Nationals catcher Wilson Ramos was rescued from kidnappers in his home country of Venezuela. He says it was the scariest moment of his life. Next to the time he thought he was going to be drafted by the Cubs.”

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Patti Reagan has an article out in Harper’s Bazaar on potential first ladies., and in it she mention that Marcus Bachmann “shops for his wife’s wardrobe, coordinating her outfits so well that Michele Bachmann has bragged about his ‘good sense of style.’”. Gosh, can’t imagine how the rumors got started that Marcus is gay.

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Newt Gingrich is claiming his two week luxury cruise to Greece and Turkey gave him a better understanding of the Greek debt crisis….

Next we’re going to hear about how all those tens of thousands of people that Mitt Romney laid off gave him a better idea of how to deal with unemployment.

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Hearing voices.

November 14, 2011

Herman Cain is now at least the third GOP candidate to claim God told him to enter the Presidential race. (After Bachmann and Perry.) Maybe God really wants President Obama to be re-elected?

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So what do Jon Huntsman and Ron Paul have to do to get airtime at GOP debates? Start harrassing women and forgetting how to count?

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So when do we get to see the GOP debate we’ve all been waiting for? The one when Mitt Romney debates himself.

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Sorry, Detroit Lions: Even Rick Perry can think of three good reasons not to kick it to Devin Hester.

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One of the NY Giants said before today’s game against the Patriots that you “can’t spell ‘elite’ without Eli.” You can’t spell “unraveling” either.

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AirTrans is being sued over live cockroaches that appeared on one of their flights. On Europe’s Ryanair, they’d probably charge extra for the wildife viewing. (Or the snacks.)

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Stanford’s QB looked awfully human yesterday. Which might have been bad news for the Washington Redskins. Since the Miami Dolphins appear to have decided they no longer need to “Suckforluck.”

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A George Washington University professor of medicine resigned last month amidst allegations that she did not teach some of her classes but gave all of those students As. No confirmation on the rumor that she has received a half dozen offers to teach sports medicine to SEC football players.

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Maybe some of the Philadelphia Eagles missed their calling in not playing hockey. Seems like they would be better in a game with only three periods.

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Congrats to the ageless John Kasay: Four field goals today for the Saints including the winning kick in overtime. He may end up the first kicker to make a 50 yard field goal in his 50s.

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Kate Von D. apparently posed a angry letter today about the 19 women she said her ex-fiance (and Sandra Bullock’s ex-husband) Jesse James cheated on her with in the past year. Sounds like Kate was the only person who was surprised this happened.

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But really, 19 women in a year? Who does Jesse James think he is? Tiger Woods?

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Interesting sidelight to the Penn State story. The media is reporting that 15 adults either saw Sandusky or had “direct knowledge” of his acts and did nothing to stop him. NONE of those adults were women.

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Bus to hell moment: Gloria Cain defended her husband against allegations of sexual harrassment by saying “I know that’s not the person he is. He totally respects women.”

Not doubting Mrs. Cain’s sincerity, but isn’t it likely if asked that Mrs. Sandusky would have said of her husband “He totally loves children?”

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