Posted tagged ‘Cubs jokes’
July 16, 2015
President Obama will be in New York City Friday night, and the FAA has issued a no fly zone over Manhattan. Which won’t affect commercial flights, but will force wealthy folks heading to the Hamptons to take ground transportation instead of private helicopters. “I feel so sorry for them,” said no one in 99.9% of the population.
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Interesting, all the talk about Caitlyn Jenner. But if we’re talking LGBT acceptance, the U.S. women’s soccer team has both gay and straight players, and it doesn’t seem to affect their chemistry OR performance.
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Apparently this season has seen a big increase in the number of NL managers who are batting their pitcher 8th in the lineup. The SF Giants’ Madison Bumgarner is not pleased with this trend. He thinks he should bat at least 6th.
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Here’s a serious idea for a change. Let’s change the MLB trade deadline to during the All-Star break. Would make it easier for players to get to their new teams. And would give sports fans something more interesting to follow during the break than NBA summer league scores.
Mark Cuban is now proposing that the NBA playoffs be expanded to 10 teams per conference. Right, so teams like the Indiana Pacers would be spared the heartache of just missing the playoffs with a 38-44 record.
Josh Smith has left the Rockets for the Clippers, signing for $1.5 million, the veteran minimum, and reportedly told a source he chose “winning over money?” So Smith is bad at history, statistics AND math?
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The Tennessee Highway Safety Office is pulling the “100 Days of Summer Heat Booze It and Lose It Campaign” which was intended to keep young men from drinking too much, with had posters and coasters with messages like this
“After a few drinks the girls look hotter and the music sounds better. Just remember: If your judgment is impaired, so is your driving.”
“Buy a drink for a marginally good looking girl only to find out she’s chatty, clingy and your boss’s daughter. If this sounds like something you would do, your judgment is impaired and so is your driving.”
The only question. Who thought this was a good idea in the first place?
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New Jersey is considering a lottery, open only to state college students and alumni, where the winner would get all their student loan debt paid off. Great, so if they don’t know enough already, students can go further into debt buying lottery tickets.
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As we approach the 2nd half of the MLB season, Vegas has updated their odds for this years World Series winner- with the favorites being the Royals, Cardinals, Nationals and Dodgers. The Phillies are last 5000-1.
Note to anything thinking of betting on the Phillies. try something with better odds. Like buying a Powerball lottery ticket.
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But really, a 5,000 to 1 bet on the Phillies now to win the World Series? Or for that matter 250 to 1 on the Brewers, or even 50-1 on the Red Sox? In all of these and more case, when they’re saying “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,” clearly they’re talking about your money.
Apparently Vegas sports books are quite worried about the Royals and Astros, as they stand to pay out big bucks if either team, lightly regarded in the preseason, wins the World Series. But on the other hand, MGM properties report 4,000 bets placed on the Cubs, more than double that on any other team. #youlosesomeyouwinsome
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TLC has officially cancelled “19 kids and counting.” Anybody here actually watch the show in the first place?
From T.C. Russell Wilson’s new sweetie, Ciara, sang the anthem at All Star game. It was suggested that he could hand off the microphone to her.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: #Caitlyn Jenner jokes, baseball jokes, betting jokes, Cubs jokes, Duggars jokes, Janice Hough, jersey jokes, NBA jokes, trade deadline jokes, Vegas jokes
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May 5, 2015
A picture has gone viral of some idiot family -teenagers and dad -proudly posing in front of Tumalo Falls in Oregon, after they carved their initials into the railing. Where is a good mountain lion when you need one?
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A Florida couple was convicted and could face up to 15 years in prison for “lewd and lascivious behavior” because they were having sex on a beach during the middle of the day in front of families including children. Thinking this being Florida they might do less time if they had just shot a witness. #humpingtheirground
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New Dallas DE Greg Hardy has already been suspended for 10 games over domestic violence. Now after a Carolina Panthers fan tweeted a picture of Kelvin Benjamin and new draft pick Devin Funchess, describing the new teammates as “The Twin Towers.” Hardy tweeted back “didn’t the twin towers get blown up lol.” #cantfixstupid
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Marilyn Hartman, California’s “serial stowaway”, now has been arrested twice at O’Hare for sneaking into a restricted area without a ticket. Wonder if TSA at least confiscated her bottled water?
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Regarding this trendy new “#HowOldRobot new app. Does it automatically add years to your age if you can’t figure out how do to the app?
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The #Cubs said they will FINALLY open two bleacher sections next Monday. Meaning beer sales at #WrigleyField for 2015 are about to double.
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Floyd Mayweather says he is willing to fight Manny Pacquiao again. The bigger question might be who is willing to pay to see it. #foolmeonce…
Sign of the apocalypse? Donald Trump actually said something I agree with.on Fox News. That the shootings at the “Draw Muhammad” contest were “disgusting,” But “she (Pam Geller) is taunting them… it’s risky for her. I don’t know – maybe she likes risk. But what the hell is she doing, and what is the purpose of it?’ ‘They can’t do something else? They have to be in the middle of Texas, doing something on Muhammad and insulting everybody?’
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The SF Giants’ Madison Bumgarner has to be thrilled with last night’s performance. Not his no-hitter into the 7th, and 8 shutout innings despite 4 errors. But Madbum FINALLY broke his 0 for the season with his first hit! Now for that first home run. #DHmyass
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A Florida man was arrested after he tried to cash a check for $368 billion dollars. Hmm, had he only tried to cash one for $368 million would he have gotten away with it?
Okay, who had as of May 5 that the #SFGiants‘ leader in RBI’s and HR’s would be #BrandonCrawford? Now all you liars put your hands down.
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Carly Fiorina is now defending her record at HP, saying all her layoffs helped “transform a company from failing to succeeding.” Well, there might be some truth to that, but thinking the firing that most helped the company was her own.
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Carson, Fiorina, Huckabee…. who’s next this week? Thinking the fire marshall is soon going to be placing limits on the number on stage for the first GOP Presidential Primary debate?
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, Carly Fiorina jokes, Cubs jokes, Florida jokes, GOP jokes, Greg Hardy jokes, Janice Hough, Mayweather jokes, Trump jokes, TSA jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
April 14, 2015
The San Antonio Spurs are playing so well down the stretch, the NBA may end up classifying Ensure as a PED.
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Wow. Just wow. That mother who dangled her 2 year-old over a cheetah enclosure, and then accidentally dropped him has been placed on leave from her job. Which is, or rather was – assistant director of a Columbus, Ohio “Kindercare” childcare center. #cantfixstupid #whythereisnosatire #NottheOnion
Will someone please tell the #SFGiants that the sign on the ATT Park grass is not spelled Opening Weak. #OpeningWeek
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The #SFGiants are scoring like folks at an #AARP convention with a Viagra shortage.
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The Chicago Cubs are offering a new “Mac and Cheetos” hot dog For all those fans who have decided maybe it’s not worth living to wait until next year.
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Considering all the injuries this year so far #SFGiants home opener could have been worse. #Madbum could have fallen off the horse.
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Billy Joel, 65, and his 33 year old girlfriend are apparently expecting a baby daughter. Stand by for a change from “Uptown Girl” to “Up-all-night Girl.” “And when she wakes up And makes up her mind…..”
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Some educators in Atlanta are going to prison over illegally inflating test scores for students from struggling schools. Idiots. If only they had just done it for athletes….
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Bus to hell time. Can they transfer Lawrence Phillips to the same prison as Jerry Sandusky?
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Carly Fiorina said in an interview on “Morning Joe” that Hillary Clinton, while an “inspiration to women”, doesn’t have a record of “accomplishments.” I guess Carly figures she knows accomplishment. How many women have gotten their companies to pay them $20 million to leave?
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The top Republican and Democrat on the Senate Foreign Relations Committee said they have reached a bipartisan agreement on legislation that would allow Congress to review a final nuclear deal with Iran. What? Must be a joke. This sounds too rational
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The San Antonio Express-News reports that Joan Cheever, a chef who has been feeding the city’s homeless for the past decade, was cited last night by police with a $2,000 ticket for serving food without a permit. She plans to argue in court that under the 1999 Texas Religious Freedom Restoration Act, she has a right to serve food to the homeless because she considers it a free exercise of her religion.
Okay, where are the defenders of Indiana and Religious Freedom on this one??!!
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If President Obama wants to do something with that “sponsor of terrorism” label he took off Cuba a lot of women would have no problem if he put it on Saudi Arabia.
Jeremy Lin on the Lakers “I do think we’re headed in the right direction.” Well, if the goal is a lottery pick, yes indeed
The makers of “Kind” bars have been warned by the FDA because “the products do not meet the requirements” to say the bars are a “good source of fiber” with “low sodium” and “no trans fat.” Well, as if anyone expected to find wood chips in “cottage” cheese.
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Here we go again. John Boehner today said Obama should re-engage U.S. combat troops in Iraq to fight ISIS. Is the Speaker volunteering to go over and lead them?
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Hint to drivers: When a sign under a stop sign says “Cross traffic does not stop” it refers to the street your street is crossing. All cars. Not a comment on cross i.e. angry drivers #cantfixstupid #nearmiss #didnthavetimetobeawitnesss
From Marc Ragovin: “Upon kicking off his presidential run, Marco Rubio said “Yesterday is over, and we are never going back.” He then unveiled a five minute commercial featuring him and a superimposed Ronald Reagan.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupidid, Billy joel jokes, Boehner jokes, Carly Fiorina jokes, Cubs jokes, Indiana jokes, Janice Hough, SF Giants jokes, Spurs jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
April 7, 2015
Oops. The NCAA’s supervisor of officials admitted today that the officials who gave possession to Duke after a late out-of-bounds play, didn’t have all the angles that CBS had. Although the TV replay showed the Blue Devils’ Winslow touching the ball with his fingertips. But to be fair, with amateur sports it’s not like the NCAA really has the money to do it right.
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If we’re going to have legalized discrimination, can some state become a pioneer in saying businesses do not have to serve stupid people? Because #cantfixstupid
Mitt Romney finished in the the top 1% of contestants in the ESPN NCAA tournament challenge, having Duke and Wisconsin and Duke winning it all. President Obama was in the 40th percentile. Of course, had Obama done as well as Romney the GOP would accuse him of having neglected his duties to focus on basketball.
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Kentucky coach John Calipari says he expects “five to seven players” to declare for the NBA draft. It’s a scary choice for these young men. But since returnees must be academically eligible, they’ll have to figure out how to find the classrooms.
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From Marty Robinson: “In Monday night’s NCAA championship game, Duke rallied to beat Wisconsin, earning their 5th title in the Coach K era. “Wonderful” said absolutely nobody outside of Durham.”
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Last night’s Miami Marlins opener was delayed 16 minutes by rain in the second inning, because the roof operators couldn’t get the roof closed fast enough. If only their supervisor had been armed.
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As pictures of all of these plastic cups full of something that isn’t beer circulate after Opening Night for the Cubs at Wrigley Field, here’s a tip for other teams: If you are doing a major renovation on your stadium, do the bathrooms first.
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Norwegian Cruise Line has an “enhanced” room service menu on some of their ships. And those menus will include a “convenience charge” of up to $7.95 per order. “Convenience charge?”! And many airlines are thinking, why didn’t we think of that?
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Mercedes Benz is coming out with a pickup truck. The perfect vehicle for all those cowboy politicians who still want to pretend they can relate to the “common man.”
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LeGarrette Blount, suspended 3 times at Oregon, and arrested last year for marijuana possession has now been suspended without pay for the 1st game of the 2015 season for a “violation of the league’s substance abuse policy.” This is clearly part of football’s strict “10 strikes and you’re out” policy.
An unnamed NBC source told Vanity Fair that Brian Williams “could not say the words ‘I lied.’ …He couldn’t explain what had happened. Asking ‘Did something happen to [my] head? Maybe I had a brain tumor, or something in my head?'”
Sounds increasingly clear that Williams was in the wrong business, He sounds less like a newsman than a politician.
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Despite a perhaps less than stellar record, Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel has won re-election. Should we be surprised? The town’s residents have a long history of supporting the “devil you know.” I mean, how many people have given up being Cubs fans?
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Lots of headlines about Derick and Jill Dillard (neé Duggar, of “19 Kids and Counting” having their first baby last night…. And thinking, as popular as this show is in some circles, wonder what the reaction would be if they were African-American?
Don McLean’s ‘American Pie’ manuscript sold for $1.2 million, Now, “American Pie” is iconic enough that even the younger generation knows the song. But many of them are wondering “What’s a manuscript?”
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A white police officer has been arrested and charged with murder after a video showed him repeatedly shooting and killing a 50 year old black man who was running away. Well, this might get some changes made. Wonder how many states will outlaw cellphone videos?
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The scariest thing about #WalterScott video is wondering how many of these shootings have happened where there is no cellphone video.
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Rand Paul is the latest to declare for 2016. While Paul has many interesting libertarian policies, he’s also come up with gems like this, opposing mandatory vaccination because of “many tragic cases of walking, talking normal children who wound up with profound mental disorders after vaccines.” Sigh #Cantfixstupid Even with medical school degrees.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: American Pie jokes, Chicago jokes, Cubs jokes, Don Mclean, Duggar jokes, Duke jokes, Janice Hough, NCAA jokes, Rand Paul jokes, Wisconsin jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
February 26, 2015
Marijuana, in small quantities, became legal tonight in Washington, D.C. But some Republicans are upset. Rep. Jason Chaffetz, a Tea Partier from Utah wrote in a letter to the mayor. “If you decide to move forward … you will be doing so in knowing and willful violation of the law.” Whatever happened to the mantra of “Government out of our lives”?
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David Ortiz is not happy about the new pace rules saying a hitter has to keep one foot in the box “I call that bulls—” And Ortiz also indicated he needs the time to strategize so he’ll just pay the fines. Well, maybe Big Papi can call Marshawn Lynch for advice about setting up one of those automatic payment plans.
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The way his trial is going, looks like only thing that could get #AaronHernandez an acquittal is a change of venue to Los Angeles.
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Lebron James is complaining that colleges are already offering his young son basketball scholarships “It’s pretty crazy. It should be a violation. You shouldn’t be recruiting 10-year-old kids.” And Les Miles is thinking, yeah, if we thought he might play football we should have started at least 8 years earlier.
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The Chicago Cubs announced that they now have a new mental skills program, run by sports psychologist Dr. Ken Ravizza. Will Dr. Ravizza also be setting up depression clinics for Cubs fans?
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Carly Fiorina, trashing Hillary Clinton’s touting of all the hundreds of thousands of miles she travelled as Secetary of State: “But unlike Hillary Clinton, I know that flying is an activity, not an accomplishment.” Spoken like someone who has her choice of private planes.
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The Ohio news anchor who used a racial slur to describe Lady Gaga’s music, saying afterwards she didn’t even know the slur was a word, is off the air for three days. Presume when she returns it will be with a dictionary?
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Federal prosecutors have decided there is insufficient evidence to prosecute George Zimmerman for a hate crime against Trayvon Martin. Or maybe they figured they could save the expense of a trial since this guy seems well on his way to a Darwin award.
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Jason Jones has announced he will follow Jon Stewart in leaving “The Daily Show.” Wonder why the mass exodus. Maybe all these comics are beginning to think, that as crazy as the world is becoming, there really IS no satire.
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The state of Texas is warning college kids on spring break to avoid Mexico because of the danger of drug cartel violence. Right, go somewhere like Florida with all-American gun violence.
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A New York councilman will introduce a bill tomorrow to require the NYPD to become completely digital, and get rid of their typewriters. Responded most millennials “What are typewriters?”
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Mark Beckner, the former Boulder, CO police chief who led the 1996 Jon Benet Ramsey murder investigation acknowledged today in a Reddit session that many mistakes were made, for starters, he wished “we would have done a much better job of securing and controlling the crime scene on day one” and the “DA involvement in this case was inappropriate.”
Anyone who followed the case wonders, in his next interview, will Beckner give his opinion that water is wet?
A lawyer for the Southern California trucker who abandoned his vehicle on the tracks before a Metrolink train crashed into it said the trucker was “running for his life” and not abandoning the scene of an accident. Police found the guy 45 min later, 1.5 miles away…… Was he afraid the train was going to push him into a lifeboat?
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From Bill Littlejohn. “Joba Chamberlain’s new contract includes a Cy Young bonus.Isn’t that like Vin Diesel’s new contract including an Oscar bonus?”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Aaron Hernandez jokes, Big Papi jokes, Cubs jokes, Janice Hough, Lady Gaga jokes, marijuana jokes, Texas jokes, The Daily Show jokes
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January 23, 2015
As a child, it was hard to imagine a baseball world without Ernie Banks in it. It still is. RIP Mr. Cub. Hope heaven has a special shiny gold trophy for you with all those little flags on it.
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And yeah, MLB Hall of Fame is one thing. But what greater tribute to a man, #ErnieBanks , #MrCub, is that no one ever said a negative word about him.
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You cannot make this “stuff” up: Actual USAToday.com headline – “Supreme Court will rule on safety of lethal injections.”
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A Southern California TV station (KSBY) is reporting that former MLB pitcher Ted Lilly has been charged with 3 felony counts of insurance fraud for damaging his $200,000 RV and not filing a claim until he purchased insurance afterwards. But hey, the guy has to feed his family. Lilly only earned about $100 million in his career.
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Some wondered if there would be repercussions when airlines no longer required electronic devices to be turned off from the moment the door is closed. Alas, here’s one: the company behind the SkyMall catalog has declared Chapter 11. #noneedtoread
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And how many people read the above and think “Ooh, Skymall close-out sale!”
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Of course it makes sense that Tom Brady, who likes his balls “a certain way” wouldn’t have noticed that the footballs were different last week. About as much sense as David Ortiz getting confused and using Dustin Pedroia’s bat by mistake.
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How quickly things change. And here many of us thought the NFL narrative all week would be about the end of the Packers Seahawks game.
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A Southern California TV station (KSBY) is reporting that former MLB pitcher Ted Lilly has been charged with 3 felony counts of insurance fraud for damaging his $200,000 RV and not filing a claim until he purchased insurance afterwards. But hey, the guy has to feed his family. Lilly only earned about $100 million in his career.
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Kobe Bryant, 36, may soon have season-ending surgery on his torn rotator cuff. But by doing the surgery now Bryant should be healthy enough to start and be injured again next season.
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Marshawn Lynch, unhappy about recent fines, especially one on a teammate, tweeted that he was ” embarrassed to work” for the NFL. Hmm. If he wants to be really embarrassed, Lynch could sign a free agent deal with the Jets.
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Three players were ejected after a fight where punches were thrown in the Alabama-Auburn women’s basketball game last night. And a whole lot of men just put the SEC women’s final on their watch calendar.
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Seems like a lot of the people screaming at Obama for not attending the free speech #jesuisCharlie rally in Paris sure have their knickers in a knot over various free speech comments about #AmericanSniper
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And the gifts just keep on coming. Rick Santorum says he is thinking of running again for President in 2016. No word on when Santorum will decide whether or not to throw his vest into the ring.
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Measles was declared eradicated in 2000. Now, thanks to the anti-vaccine movement, the CDC says that last year doctors in the U.S. diagnosed 644 cases of measles. And some wonder how anti-science politicians get elected….
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In San Francisco today, Jeb Bush acknowledged he is “seriously” considering a run for President. And Hillary Clinton “seriously” congratulated Jeb for saying it with a straight face.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Cubs jokes, deflategate jokes, Ernie Banks, GOP jokes, Janice Hough, skymall jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
December 15, 2014
Former VP Dick Cheney said of what he considers “enhanced interrogation” that “I would do it again in a minute.” Sometimes you get the sense the man is still alive because neither God nor the Devil want him.
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The Sacramento Kings have fired coach Mike Malone after an 11-13 start. And the NY Knicks are wondering if they fired him for overachieving.
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Is it too late for all those who voted against #AndrewLuck twice for the #Heisman to change their votes?
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Compared to other #Heisman winners RG3 and now #Manziel, #Tebow looked pretty good in #NFL
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All these pictures and videos of Johnny Manziel’s horrible starting debut for the Browns. Picture I really wanted to see was of Brian Hoyer on the sideline trying oh so hard not to smile.
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Meanwhile in the Washington-NY Giants matchup, the Redskins’ Santana Moss lost his temper with the refs, and was ejected during the first half. Making him luckier than his teammates, who had to stay for the entire game.
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ESPN’s Jim Bowden gives the Chicago Cubs an A+ for their offseason moves. So they can add another offseason trophy to their collection at Wrigley Field.
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Lots of sniping about Ted Cruz’s threatened govt shutdown, like this “You should have an end goal in sight if you’re going to do these types of things and I don’t see an end goal other than irritating a lot of people,” And that was from Orrin Hatch. #thiscouldbefun
Seriously, the Australia hostage situation just sucks. But a chocolate store? What kind of monster does something evil in a nice chocolate store? Clearly not a woman.
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The now 3-11 NY Jets beat the now 2-12 Tennessee Titans in a battle and get a worse draft pick out of it. And if you really cared about the game and aren’t from New York or Nashville you are probably in need of a life.
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Who figured this a month ago? Stanford has a postseason game and the SF 49ers don’t.
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#Stayclassy. Uber is now in Australia, and they responded to the hostage crisis – with surge pricing in the area of AUS $100 minimum (US$82), quadruple the normal rate.
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Update, an hour after original post: So now apparently Uber has decided there IS such a thing as bad publicity, and is offering people stuck in the area free rides out….. #Oops
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Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Cheney jokes, Cubs jokes, Janice Hough, Manziel jokes, Ted Cruz jokes, Uber jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
December 10, 2014
Magic Johnson says he hopes the Lakers lose every game for the rest of the year so the team can get a high draft pick. “”Because if you’re going to lose, lose. I’m serious.” What a nice warm fuzzy message for this year’s season ticket holders.
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Pitcher Jon Lester says he chose the Chicago Cubs over the SF Giants because the income tax rate in Illinois is 5%, and it’s $13.3% in California. Well, makes sense. On only $155 million over 6 years he really needs to feed his family.
(And his children’s family, and his grand-children’s family, and his great-grandchildren’s family.)
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And of course, in Chicago, Lester won’t have to pay taxes on playoff winnings.
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Jon Lester may be reunited with his friend Jake Peavy in Chicago. Peavy has a duck boat and cable car from his last two World Series wins, apparently if the Cubs win the World Series he and Lester both plan to buy flying pigs.
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Meanwhile in SF, Giants fans’ attitude will be going from “wow, how cool would he look with Madbum in the rotation?” to “Just as well, it’s insane to pay any 31 year old pitcher $155 million for six years.”
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And in Oakland, the Athletics have now traded Jeff Samardzija to the White Sox. How are the As ever going to decide on bobbleheads for 2014-15 when there’s a good chance any “name” player they have will be gone before his giveaway day?
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Weather forecasters in the SF Bay project over 20 foot waves during a “storm of the decade” that is supposed to hit this Thursday and Friday, Suppose it would be tacky to start a pool on the number of potential Darwin Award winners.
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A woman flying on Southwest from San Francisco to Phoenix went into labor and gave birth on the plane, which was then diverted to Los Angeles. Good thing it was Southwest, United, American and Delta would all have charged her for another seat.
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Johnny Manziel will start at QB Sunday for Cleveland. The rookie QB may not get the team to the playoffs, but he will make the Browns a top story on Sportcenter…
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Prince William, who is 6’3″, flew on a commercial US Airways shuttle from NY to DC Monday. He did, however, fly first class. Perhaps having told his staff, “I may be the ‘people’s prince’ but I’m not crazy.”
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Korean Air announced that their chairman’s daughter, an executive with the airline, has resigned after ordering a senior flight attendant off the plane for serving her macadamia nuts in a bag, not on a plate. Americans are stunned by this story… an airline actually serves expensive macadamia nuts?
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Cam Newton sustained back fractures but apparently escaped serious injury when his car was hit Tuesday in Charlotte. No word on the other driver, but certainly wasn’t a Saints player. Last week they proved they couldn’t hit anyone
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Facebook is working on an AI digital assistant that will warn people posting “questionable” photo uploads, it would say something like “Uh, this is being posted publicly. Are you sure you want your boss and your mother to see this?” Of course, if a “friend”, relative or colleague is posting a such picture of you, this might encourage them to post more.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Cubs jokes, Darwin jokes, Janice Hough, Lakers jokes, Lester jokes, Southwest jokes, storm jokes
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November 10, 2014
Ted Cruz tweeted “‘Net Neutrality'” is Obamacare for the Internet; the Internet should not operate at the speed of government.” Can’t wait for Cruz to decry this year’s Thanksgiving Turkey pardon as Obamacare for birds.
AT&T announced they have abandoned their announced plan to create an air-to-ground 4G network to improve Wi-Fi service on airplanes. Maybe because the phone company figured if there was one industry they could partner with that could actually LOWER their reputation it’s the airline industry.
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A video has gone viral of Denver backup QB Brock Osweiler’s frustration when Peyton Manning’s went back in the game against the Bears up 41-10. No doubt Broncos fans find it funny, since Manning didn’t end up with an injury like Carson Palmer.
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Carson Palmer tore his ACL Sunday and is out for the season, 2 days after signing a 3-year contract extension. The Cardinals QB tore his ACL once before, in Dec, 2005, 10 days after signing a 6-year contract extension. Think next time Arizona offers Palmer an extension maybe he needs to “just say no.”
The Carolina Panthers tried Monday night to do their best Chicago Bears imitation.
ESPN Monday Night Football sign off -“Good night, from Philadelphia.” Directed to all those who tuned in hoping to see Sportscenter. And both fans who were still watching the game
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Meanwhile, the Carolina Panthers remain alive in the playoff hunt. Wonder if this year’s #NFCSouth champion might be good enough to get into the college football playoff.
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After Kentucky crushed Georgetown College in a pre season college men’s baseketball game, Tigers coach Chris Briggs called the Wildcats an NBA playoff team. John Calipari’s tweet response- “I hear Coach Briggs got excited after the game last night. Let me be clear: If we played ANY NBA team, we would get buried. ANY.”
Uh, well maybe not the 76ers.
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Tampa Bay rookie Austin Seferian-Jenkins apologized today for his “Captain Morgan” pose touchdown celebration Sunday that he both drew a penalty for, and posted on Instagram. In Seferian-Jenkins’ defense, being on the 1-8 Buccaneers, he doesn’t have much experience with touchdown celebrations.
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Cubs GM Theo Epstein, on an MLB investigation of Chicago’s possibly talking to new manager Joe Maddon while he was still under contract to Tampa Bay: “There was absolutely no tampering whatsoever.” I think I like “Wait until next year” better.
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A Montanta white supremacist, John Abarr, is attempting to start a branch of the Ku Klux Klan dubbed the “Rocky Mountain Knights,” which will allow African -Americans, Jews, homosexuals and those of Hispanic origin. The “new Klan” members wlll have to wear the white robes, masks, conical hats and take part in rituals….And presumably have to fail an IQ test.
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President Obama voiced strong support for “Net neutrality.” Waiting for Sarah Palin to chime in and complain that the government shouldn’t get involved in the fishing industry.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, Bears jokes, Cubs jokes, Janice Hough, MNF jokes, NFC South jokes, Panthers jokes, Ted Cruz jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
September 19, 2014
Roger Goodell, 2014. He “believes” nobody in the NFL office saw the Ray Rice video. Roger Goodell, 2012, In suspending Saints coach Sean Payton for a year, “Ignorance is no excuse.”
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Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis’s baby daughter is due any day now. And to show there are no hard feelings, Ashton’s ex-wife Demi Moore is sending over some of his old favorite toys.
Florida State just announced they have suspended QB Jameis Winston for the entire game Saturday night against Clemson. Translation: the Seminoles have decided the Tigers weren’t as scary as they thought.
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The #Cubs magic number is 8. As in “8 more games and we are officially waiting for next year.”
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Pabst Brewing Co, the makers of PBR, Colt 45, Old Milwaukee, Schlitz and Lone Star beer, has been sold to Russian company Oasis. Waiting for Texas Senator Ted Cruz to slam Obama on needing tougher sanctions on Russia now. #beer #priorities
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Roger #Goodell said NFL will “get its house in order.” Well, at least he didn’t say he would beat the problem into submission. #clueless
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United Airlines now notes on their website what they consider to be the “best” Economy Plus seats you can pay extra to sit in. How long until they start noting the “worst” seats that you need to pay extra to avoid?
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The Cleveland planning commission approved a 10-story-high banner of Lebron James to hang on a downtown wall. In case Lebron changes his mind again, hope the banner will be fireproof.
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Ah, Joe. The Vice President recently admitted it was a “poor choice of words” for him to refer to unscrupulous lenders as “Shylocks.” Of course it could have been worse, many of the people who might have condemned Biden haven’t read Shakespeare and don’t know what the term means.
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Although really, could Joe Biden have gaffed Roger Goodell’s press conference worse than Goodell himself did?
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And for all the meaningless babble in Goodell’s press conference he didn’t say the two words most Americans really wanted to hear – “I quit.”
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The parents of Honey Boo-Boo, Mama June and Sugar Bear, are splitting up. TMZ reported she found he was signed up for online dating sites. The couple, however, while they have gone through a “commitment ceremony” was never married. Where are the family values / Defense of Marriage folks on this one?
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Apparently thousands of tourists are still stuck in Cabo San Lucas after the hurricane, in uncomfortable situations with limited water and food. In fact, the conditions are almost as bad as they were on the plane flights to Mexico.
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They don’t give an award in MLB for “biggest choke job.” But this year there sure are a lot of contenders.
According to the NJ Star-Ledger, Rutgers AD Julie Hermann told staff members in a meeting. “[We] have to reach out to our donors, fans, everyone, and we need to touch them. Not in a Jerry Sandusky-type way.” Wow. Is Hermann trying to get hired as a VP of sensitivity training for the NFL.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Biden jokes, Cubs jokes, Goodell jokes, Jameis Winston jokes, janice houghes, NFL jokes, United jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 18, 2014
So the Scottish Independence vote has failed. And across the U.S. the most common responses are probably “Weren’t they already an independent country?” and “What does this mean for Scotch whiskey prices?”
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And hope springs eternal. From Daniel Miller, director of Texas Nationalist Movement., on the Scottish referendum, before the votes were counted: “We’re excited that they are able to have a voice, to be able to go to the polls and voice their political will on the issue of self-determination. We’re hoping for a ‘Yes’ vote.” I’ll swap Puerto Rico for Texas as the 50th state any time. #noforeignaid
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Andy Murray, who has been neutral on Scottish independence, tweeted early this morning “‘Huge day for Scotland today! no campaign negativity last few days totally swayed my view on it. excited to see the outcome. lets do this!’ Ought to be real interesting when Murray shows up next year at Wimbledon.
(and do have to wonder, understand neutrality, but have if he was going to come out as a “yes,” why not do it earlier, when it might have mattered, instead of today when it probably accomplished nothing except really annoying English fans and sponsors.)
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Florida State believes they have strictly disciplined Jameis Winston for his “offensive and vulgar” behavior with a one-half game suspension. The school’s biggest regret? That Winston didn’t scream the obscene meme sooner, so they could have suspended him for their game against the Citadel.
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Texas Tech defensive coordinator Matt Wallerstedt resigned today. ESPN reported that he was “was suspected of being under the influence of an unknown substance while on campus.” Of course, this is Lubbock, TX. Was the “unknown substance” Chardonnay?
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Gatorade has a new commercial honoring Derek Jeter and his retirement. Good thing. Would hate for such a momentous event to go unnoticed.
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Michael Vick feels that Roger Goodell should not be fired, and said that the NFL commissioner is “doing a great job.” And Vick’s image rehabilitation was going so well……
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About now the #NFL would let Michael Sam & his boyfriend get married on 50 yd-line if it would be the #1 football headline. #Distractions
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Vikings WR Jerome Simpson. already serving a 3 game DUI suspension, will be arraigned in November after being pulled over for alleged marijuana possession, driving with an open bottle and violating limited license restrictions. And the NFL is thinking, “Thank God, he didn’t beat up anyone.
4-1 lead in the 7th over the Dodgers and the Chicago pitcher induces an inning-ending double play which gets booted, and LA ends up scoring 5 runs enroute to a 8-4 win. SFGiants fans would like to thank the Cubs for reminding us, we may have #torture but it could be worse.
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Although they are not in the same league, the Oakland As are constantly competing with the SF Giants. And in 2014 year they seem bound and determined to compete with the June-July version of the Giants.
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Miley Cyrus is now under criminal investigation for twerking in Monterrey with dancers whipping and rubbing Mexican flags on her derriere. As the Mexican constitution protects “national emblems, the flag and the national anthem.” Well, even if Miley didn’t commit a technical crime in Mexico, she should be under investigation for criminal stupidity.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Cubs jokes, Goodell jokes, GOP jokes. NFL jokes, Jameis Winston jokes, Janice Hough, Miley Cyrus jokes, Scottish Independence jokes
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September 4, 2014
Joan Rivers has passed away. What she is no doubt most upset about is that she can’t make inappropriate jokes at her own funeral.
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But if Rivers lost weight in her medically induced coma it could be her last dream come true – this after all is a woman who said of Karen Carpenter “I have no sympathy for anyone who gets thin enough to be buried in pleats.”
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Best comment though comes from Alex Kaseberg: “Big Joan Rivers fan. Why do I want to believe that her last words were; “Oh, super, I get to follow Robin Williams.”
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“Dancing with the Stars” has announced their 2015 “cast”. Although truthfully the show should be known as “Dancing With a Whole Lot of People You Vaguely Remember or Have Heard Of.”
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Former Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell, once considered a potential V.P candidate, was convicted along with his wife on multiple counts of conspiracy to defraud the citizens of Virginia, wire fraud, conspiracy and influence-peddling. Down in Louisiana they’re sniffing, “Amateurs.”
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Suspended Denver Broncos WR Wes Welker, still claiming innocence on how he could have been suspended for drug use, says maybe someone put something in his drink. I see a new business opportunity. Safety beverage lids for athletes? (To go along with something to test for tainted supplements.)
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Josh Gordon cannot play for the NFL or CFL this year due to his marijuana suspension, but the Browns receiver is going to work for an Ohio car dealer. So will their slogan be “At least our prices aren’t high?”
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Ah for the days when the only days that someone could get anything incriminating from a phone was to pick up an extension and listen in from another room…..
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In Oregon, a veterinarian who performed emergency surgery on a Great Dane found the dog had eaten 43 1/2 socks. And clothes dryers across the country are now saying they’re the victims of profiling.
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Why there is no satire. Bill O’Reilly warned his viewers “When you hear something on a partisan-driven program, do not believe it” And O’Reilly made the statement on Fox News.
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More “Why there is no satire.” Little League star Mo’ne Davis has said her first love is basketball and she’d love to be a UConn Husky. And after the LLWS Geno Auriemma called Davis to congratulate her. So now apparently another school has reported the call to the NCAA as a recruiting violation, because Mo’Ne is an 8th grader and student-athletes can’t be contacted until they are in 9th grade…..
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Malaysia Airlines has decided to change the name of a promotional competition they were running, called “My Ultimate Bucket List Challenge.” The real challenge is how anyone thought that was a good name in the first place.
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The Chicago Cubs announced SS Starlin Castro has a high ankle sprain and will probably miss the rest of the regular season. Uh, except for the Cubs is there anything BUT the regular season?
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The Oakland Raiders have settled a lawsuit with 90 cheerleaders who accused the team of not paying minimum wage. The team will pay out a total of $1.25 million. To put that in perspective, that’s about 3% of what the Raiders paid JaMarcus Russell.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Bob McDonnell jokes, Cubs jokes, DWTS jokes, Janice Hough, joan rivers jokes, Josh Gordon jokes, Raiders jokes
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August 24, 2014
Did Shakespeare envision NFL preseason football when he wrote “sound and fury, signifying nothing?”
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A chef in China decapitated a rare Indochinese spitting cobra to make a snake soup, and the severed head bit him with a fatal dose of venom. Now that’s “Die Hard, with a Vengeance.”
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Why there is no satire? A young woman who won the title of Miss Antioquia was stripped of her crown and kicked out of the Miss Colombia pageant after online pictures showed her in an overly skimpy bikini. As opposed to the skimpy bikini which she was supposed to wear in the pageant?
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Bud Selig when asked about what he will do about Pete Rose “I’m going to do what I think is right.” What, no blue ribbon committee?
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Congratulations to the Chicago Little League team for getting to the LLWS finals. Who knows if they can beat South Korea tomorrow. But Vegas already has them favored in a hypothetical matchup with the Cubs.
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Minnesota scored 32 against Detroit in two games. Time for the Tigers to fire their defensive coordinator?
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The Oakland Athletics are checking out the possibility of building a new stadium on their Coliseum site. Sounds good, but as far as where they play while they’re building, has anyone thought about holding off on pushing that plunger at Candlestick.
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Bud Selig, dodging a question about Pete Rose. “You are always concerned about integrity. A sport without integrity is not a sport.” And over at the BCS they’re just giggling.
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From my funny friend Jim Barach – “A new app tells the user how much time they are spending on their smartphone. Which is probably too much if you need an app to tell you how much time you are spending on your smartphone.”
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The Pentagon is complaining that in 2014 there have been at least 4 times that a Chinese warplane has buzzed U.S. military aircraft. The Chinese Defense Ministry said the criticism is “totally groundless.” Would they have preferred the US made Asian driver jokes?
Michael Sam sacked Johnny Manziel tonight. In what must have been a very tough moment for anyone who was both tired of Johnny Football’s act and a homophobe.
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But was the sack enough to keep Michael on the team? So that we can all write the headline “Sam I Ram.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Cubs jokes, Janice Hough, LLWS jokes, Manziel jokes, Michael Sam jokes, NFL jokes, NFL preseason jokes
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August 21, 2014
Obama says he has donated to ALS research but declined to participate in the #Icebucketchallenge. For which some are criticizing him. Had the President joined in, however, he would have been criticized for not acting presidential, or for wasting water…..
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The Nationals have won 10 games in a row. Finally, something in Washington that won’t be blamed on Obama.
Twinkies have returned to store shelves but Hostess says they are closing one of the four bakeries that make them. Well, suppose they’ve probably baked at least a 10 year supply by now anyway.–
Bud Selig, while he was in Oakland this week said that the increasingly slow pace of baseball games “drives me crazy.” Meanwhile, he had nothing to report on his “Blue Ribbon Committee” for the potential As move to San Jose, which Selig formed in 2009….
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The Pittsburgh Steelers top two RBs, Le’Veon Bell and LeGarrette Blount, will both be charged with marijuana possession following a traffic stop. No word on their punishment but wonder when the NFLPA will start pushing for all training camps to be in Colorado and Washington?
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Missouri RNC executive director Matt Wills is outraged about reports of voter registration booths in Ferguson. “If that’s not fanning the political flames, I don’t know what is. I think it’s not only disgusting but completely inappropriate.” Actually it seems very appropriate. Whichever “side” you’re on, voting seems more productive than just protesting.
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From my funny friend, Jerry Perisho. “The SF Giants won a protest over their rain-shortened loss to the Chicago Cubs; so the game will be resumed today.. Meanwhile, the Cubs filed a protest requesting that each of their games over the last 106 years be replayed.”
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Nice family values defense for former Virginia governor Bob McDonnell in his corruption trial – it’s all my wife’s fault.
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Thursday, Bank of America announced they have reached a $16.65 billion agreement, the biggest settlement in history, for allegedly misleading the buyers of mortgage-backed bonds. Friday I assume the bank will announce that checking fees are going up.
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Pete Rose is hoping for a “second chance” from MLB as they change commissioners. Here’s a simple solution. Keep Rose from ever working in baseball again, but put him in the HOF.. Not like it’s exactly a Hall of Saints.
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So the 49ers have replaced some loose sod in their new Levi’s stadium that apparently was causing players to slip. So does this mean the team thinks the Broncos, who won 34-0 in last Sunday’s preseason game, just had better cleats?
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Why there is no satire. 50 Cent gave Floyd Mayweather an ice bucket alternative, to read one page of a ‘Harry Potter’ book in exchange for $750,000 to a charity of Mayweather’s choice. 50 Cent meant it as an English as a Second Language reading taunt, but he called it an ALS/ELS challenge….
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Texas Gov. Rick Perry said that “although we have no clear evidence”, there’s a ‘very real possibility’ that “because of the condition of the border, from the standpoint of it not being secure and us not knowing who is penetrating across, that individuals from ISIS or other terrorist states could be entering the U.S.” As opposed to all those who have entered the U.S. legally and/or were home grown?
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T.C. says the dreaded SI jinx may have come into play for a 13 year old Little League pitcher? Mo’Ne Davis’s team was eliminated with two losses in a row after they put her on the cover.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Cubs jokes, ice bucket challenge jokes, Janice Hough, marijuana jokes, Rick Perry jokes, Selig jokes, Twinkies jokes
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August 20, 2014
George W. Bush has taken the #ALSicebucketchallenge and challenged Bill Clinton to do the same. And Bill responded “Take the Ice bucket challenge? I’ve been married to her for 39 years?
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Sarah Palin, still annoyed at Tina Fey: “You need to at least pay for my kids’ braces or something from all the money that you made off of pretending that you’re me! My goodness, you capitalized on that” But what about all the money Palin has made pretending that she’s a serious politician?
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The father of a Texas teenager who escaped jail due to his “affluenza” defense, has now himself been arrested for impersonating a police officer. (Dad allegedly threatened a neighbor, then presented fake credentials to that neighbor and the real police.) Guess this apple didn’t swagger far from the tree
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According to Forbes, the Dallas Cowboys are the most valuable NFL time, worth $3.2 billion. Gosh. Can you imagine how much the team would be worth if they ever had some revenue from the playoffs.
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CNN headline: Iceland’s Bardarbunga volcano rumbles, could threaten air travel. The volcano hasn’t erupted yet, and last erupted in 1910. But the network is already so excited about another potential plane story…..
So in the 4th inning, it was not yet an official game, but 8-2 for the SF Giants. Wonder if Cubs ground crew thought about turning on the sprinklers?
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#HunterPenceSigns Hunter Pence knows how to unroll a bleeping tarp #Tarpgate #Wrigley #SFGiants #Cubs
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#NotTheOnion – John Shea reports that #Cubs grounds crew was watering the field at #Wrigley today. #TarpGate
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Philadelphia pitcher A.J. Burnett says he is thinking of retiring after the season. As opposed to the rest of the Phillies, who called it quits before the All-Star break.
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Headline for today “Is Rick Perry sunk for 2016?” This assumes he was ever afloat.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Clinton jokes, Cubs jokes, Janice Hough, SFGiants jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
August 19, 2014
They took so long to announce fate of #SFGiants #Cubs game at Wrigley, figure Bud Selig has a Blue Ribbon committee deciding it.
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If the #SFGiants lose a playoff spot by one game will some other team vote a playoff share to the #Cubs ground crew?
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Tuesday night’s rain delay lasted longer than the Cubs 2014 playoffs hopes.
Uber has introduced “Uber Corner Store” a new trial service offering on-demand fast delivery of medicine, toiletries and other products. Thinking this could be a very popular business in Colorado.
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New Orleans plays Cleveland on September 14. After last night’s salute Saints’ defenders won’t need bounties to want to knock Manziel’s head off.
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Okay, heaven knows I am not a Seahawks fan. But just have to wonder the reaction if instead of Johnny Manziel flipping the bird at the opposing bench last night, it had been Richard Sherman.
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If the MLB season ended today, for the first time since 1993, neither the #RedSox nor #Yankees would be in the playoffs. Tragic, really.
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Ohio State star QB Braxton Miller reinjured his right, throwing shoulder yesterday in practice and may miss his senior season. The poor kid may have nothing to do this year but go to class.
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Former American Idol contestant William Hung just got married. Just guessing no one asked him to sing at his own wedding.
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Soccer star Luis Suarez stated today “I will not bite again.” Wonder if besides playing for Barcelona if Suarez is auditioning for a part in that A T & T Vampire movie commercial….
Who knows whether this Rick Perry indictment over trying to force a D.A. to resign from office will amount to anything. But somewhere in NJ Chris Christie has to be thinking “Couldn’t you have just closed one of her bridges or something?”
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British cyclist Jonathan Tiernan-Locke, banned for two years, says he did not blood dope but instead blamed his abnormal results on dehydration from an “alcoholic binge” with his girlfriend while celebrating his new Team Sky contract, drinking the equivalent of about a liter of vodka. The story didn’t work, but even if it had, guessing the team might have terminated him anyway for the stupidity.
The Cleveland Browns say they are not ready to name a starting QB. Well, the best of them yesterday was clearly Connor Shaw. 8 of 9 for 123 yards and a touchdown.
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So what do you get if you cross Tebowing and Manzieling? A one-fingered prayer? But no touchdowns.
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Can the #SFGiants borrow #JohnnyManziel to salute the #WrigleyField grounds crew?
The Wall St Journal has reported that the NFL is asking potential acts for the 2015 halftime show to PAY the league for the privllege of performing. And what if they don’t? The league will just have to raise ticket, hot dog and beer prices? #noshame
Bud Selig, whose Blue Ribbon committee on the Oakland A’s moving to San Jose never ruled in 5 plus years, talking today about how the team needs a new ballpark “This is always something I wanted to get resolved before I leave office, which is another 5½ or six months.” Gosh, and Selig said it with a straight face.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #Tarpgate, Cubs jokes, Janice Hough, Manziel jokes, Rick Perry jokes, SF Giants jokes, Uber jokes, Wrigley jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
July 30, 2014
A Florida mother has been arrested for letting her seven-year-old son walk to a local park alone, and having the boy carry a cellphone in case of any problems. Well, duh, it’s Florida, she should have sent the kid with a gun.
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Red Lobster is trying to turn around their ailing business by focusing on more attractive plate presentation with their entrees. Right. Would like to see the Venn diagram between those who like to take pictures of their food and Red Lobster customers.
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As we near the trade deadline a lot of mediocre players suddenly look very attractive to desperate teams. It’s the MLB equivalent of 15 minutes before closing time.
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This just in. #DavidPrice and #JonLester have still not been traded. And Generalissmo Francisco Franco is still dead.
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Shocking. “The Bachelorette” apparently had sex with two different contestants on the show. Does that make her an honorary guy?
(Although some of the former Bachelors are thinking “only two?”)
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The NFL has indicated they will not accept Josh Gordon’s “secondhand marijuana smoke” defense. Probably as well that drug testing didn’t take place during the 1970s. Or the league might have suspended any player who went to Grateful Dead concerts.’
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Adam Silver wants to change the lottery format to allow all 14 teams a relatively equal chance at the #1 pick.. The 76ers are upset, as they were 19-63 last season and were planning to tank again. The rest of the league wonders how the NBA will make this work to give one more #1 pick to the Cavaliers.
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The Chicago Cubs (44-61) beat the Colorado Rockies (43-63 last night in 16 innings. And if you watched the entire game and aren’t related to one of the players, you just might have too much time on your hands.
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#Cubs catcher #JohnBaker pitched 2 innings tonight, got the win, & scored winning run. Could #SFGiants trade for Baker? Need his arm & bat.
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An Indiana man has won a $1 million in the lottery twice in the past three months. So he was still playing? Guess a million doesn’t go as far as it used to. Even in Indiana.
The “People’s Choice” awards just announced they will add a special achievement award next year just for Orlando Bloom.
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Eric Chavez retired today. He couldn’t have done it last year and let Yusmeiro Petit throw a perfect game? #SFGiants?
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The Dan Uggla era with the #SFGiants is over as Uggla was released today. It takes some work to have your tenure with a team include less hits (and walks) than errors. (0-11 with 3 errors.) Even pitchers are impressed.
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President Obama to Congressional Republicans in a speech today. Stop being mad all the time. Stop just hating all the time. Come on.” And the GOP responded “Hey, lay off our mission statement.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bachelorette jokes, Cubs jokes, Florida jokes, GOP jokes, Janice Hough, trade deadline jokes, Uggla jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
July 29, 2014
Forget all these minor league players the #SFGiants are using to try to right the ship. Is Susan Sarandon busy? #bulldurham
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#SFGiants fans doing the wave? Is this a competition to see if folks in the stands can be as embarrassing as team on the field?
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With so many teams thinking they have a chance for a Wild Card, there’s a lot less action around the July 31 MLB trade deadline. Of course, if baseball wanted more media attention, they’d figure out a way to get Lebron James involved in some of these decisions.
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With the trade deadline approaching, players’ families on non-contending teams are anxiously awaiting possible moves. Which means in late July with the Cubs, most wives have real estate agents on speed dial.
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Donald Trump just said he won’t do anything ‘totally stupid’ in his bid to buy NFL’s Buffalo Bills. Why stop now?
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FSU will use GPS tracking devices on their football team this season during games. The school wants to monitor and track different analytics to prevent injuries. Tallahassee police presumably wonder if the players can keep them on 24-7?
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A new study found that more than 35 % of Americans have debts in collection. And Texas cities have some of the largest shares of their populations being reported to collection agencies: Dallas (44.3 %); El Paso (44.4 %), Houston (43.7 %), McAllen (51% and San Antonio (44%). Heck of a Texas Miracle, Rick Perry.
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Not the NFL. Apparently #ESPN actually worries about losing their female audience.. Steven A. Smith was suspended 5 shows for his comments…., more than #RayRice.
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Almost as creative as “Witness for the Prosecution.” Lawyers for former Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell and his wife Maureen McDonnell, on trial for corruption, are claiming that the couple couldn’t have conspired together, because they weren’t speaking to each other at the time.
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Robert McDonald, a former Army officer and corporate CEO was confirmed today as the new Veterans Affairs secretary by a 97-0 vote. 97-0?! And Obama nominated him? Where was the Ted Cruz filibuster?.
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Apparently Oakland Raiders owner Mark Davis has had preliminary talks with local officials about moving the team to San Antonio. Guess with just having the Spurs in town, the city feels in need of a sports train wreck?
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Passengers on a three-hour Boston Harbor whale watching tour were stuck on the boat overnight when it got entangled in the line attached to a lobster pot. Were there warning signs? Like two names on the manifest being “The Professor” and “Mary Ann?”
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It’s getting bad in Baltimore. The next Ravens’ arrest may be for impersonating a member of the Cincinnati Bengals.
From Alex Kaseberg. “The Baltimore Ravens have had five arrests in the off-season. It is so bad, “Netflix” is making a series about the Ravens called: “Orange is the New Purple and Black.”
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Rangers catcher J.P. #Arencibia had 7 RBI’s tonight. One more than #SFGiants have had in last six games combined.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Cubs jokes, ESPN jokes, Janice Hough, Ravens jokes, SF Giants jokes, Susan Sarandon jokes, Texas jokes, trade deadline jokes
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July 22, 2014
Okay Clayton Kershaw. Tim Lincecum called your no-hitter and just raised you a save. #SFGiants #Dodgers
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If Tim Lincecum becomes the the #SFGiants closer someday will his entrance music be “Last Dance with Mary Jane?”
SF Giants are undefeated in games that last at least 500 pitches. (Tonight’s, 507. 14 innings)
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But back to #SFGiants reality. So far in 2014, five players have played 2nd base for the SF Giants and combined for a .182 average. This statistic is pretty shocking to serious Giants fans. That high?
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“Estimate”, Queen Elizabeth’s filly who won the 2013 Gold Cup at Royal Ascot, has apparently tested positive for dope. This is what they get for letting the horse hang out with Prince Harry.
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Sarah Palin was caught speeding last week and fined $144. So she can see Russia from her house but apparently she can’t see a Wasilla Police Car.
(Jim Barach wonders, “was she driving a Maverick?”)
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A 105 year old woman threw out the first pitch at a Padres game. Did she credit her ability from sandlot games as a child with Jamie Moyer?
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Two white flags mysteriously appeared in place of American flags on the Brooklyn Bridge Tuesday morning. Police say they have no suspects, but will be interviewing anyone in New York wearing a Cubs cap.
(Marc Ragovin, with a great minds, suggests that authorities should instead be looking for Mets fans.)
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Tony Dungy in damage control mode. “I do not believe Michael Sam’s sexual orientation will be a distraction to his teammates or his organization. I do, however, believe that the media attention that comes with it will be a distraction.”
Right, whereas players Dungy has supported like Vick, Tebow and Manziel, they weren’t and aren’t distractions….
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Meanwhile, the Cleveland Browns say they won’t name their starting QB until at least the 3rd preseason game. Does it make sense for the team in 2014? Maybe. Does it make sense for jersey sales? Absolutely.
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A new book about the Secret Service claims that Bill Clinton has another mistress. Shocking. And wonder how many Americans would re-elect him, bimbos and all, if it weren’t for the 22nd amendment.
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Ocala, Florida, about an hour from Orlando, has banned people from wearing pants that sag two inches below their waist on city property. Offenders will be fined $500 for face jail time. Can Ocala work on spandex next?
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Senior U.S. intelligence officials apparently say they have no evidence of direct Russian government involvement in the shooting down of MH 17. Uh, did anyone actually think Putin would order something like that? Well, outside maybe of Fox News?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: #TimLincecum, closer jokes, Cubs jokes, Janice Hough, Manziel jokes, marijuana jokes, SFGiants jokes, Tim Linceceum jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
July 20, 2014
The future King of England, Prince George, is upright. Probably more upright than Prince Harry after a night on the town.
The Chicago Cubs have filed a lawsuit over “Billy Cub”, a fake mascot that allegedly has been engaging in bad behavior outside Wrigley Field. Wonder how long it will take some Cubs season ticket holders to file a lawsuit over bad behavior on the field inside Wrigley.
The Mariners and Angels have played two games since the All-Star Break, totaling 28 innings. Note to both teams, the World Cup is over, enough with the stoppage time.
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And if the MLB season ended today, the Angels and Mariners would be in a one-game wild card playoff. Seattle is 6.5 games behind L.A.(Anaheim.) But if they could start Felix Hernandez, they’d be the favorites to advance. Another “gift” from Bud Selig.
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Giancarlo Stanton takes Sergio Romo deep to lead off the bottom of the ninth in Miami. “I didn’t see that coming.” Said nobody.
In a 5-1 game that became a 5-3 game #SFGiants manager Bruce Bochy removed Sergio Romo in the ninth after a home run and a double and apparently told Romo that it wasn’t about him finishing the game, but wanted Casilla to get the work. That’s his story and he’s sticking to it.
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Huston Street, after being traded from San Diego to the Angels “I believe in the Padres’ ownership. They want to win and they are not content with status quo. I blame the players for what’s happened here.” Right, all those high-priced superstars that just can’t gell as a team, like so-and-so, and him, and.., can anyone name a Padre? (More than one.)
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Newt Gingrich wrote an op-ed saying that President Obama hides in a fantasy world. Of course, Gingrich’s fantasy is that he’s still relevant.
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Vladimir Putin is retaliating against new sanctions against Russia by denying some Americans visas. Just thinking flying into Russia is not at the top of too many people’s wish lists right now.
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The NY Knicks may sign Metta World Peace again. Not sure if it will help the team. But this is good news for comedy writers.
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Rand Paul, who’s against raising the minimum wage, talked about his son happily delivering pizza,: “The minimum wage is a temporary thing. It’s a chance to get started.” Of course, if you’re the son of a senator, it probably is a way to get started….what about all those other grown-ups still working those jobs?
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Cubs jokes, Gingrich jokes, Janice Hough, Putin jokes, Selig jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
Left Coast Sports Babe 