Archive for the ‘sports jokes’ category
October 23, 2011
Congrats to St. Louis on their game three World Series 16-7 win. Not only did the Cardinals outscore the Rangers, they probably will outscore the Rams this weekend.
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Wasn’t actually able to see the Cardinals -Rangers game tonight. 16-7? Wonder how St. Louis scored their safety?
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A German satellite path is supposed to crash to Earth this weekend at over 17,098 mph. It could be the fastest most spectacular fall since Rick Perry’s post first-debate poll numbers.
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In Louisiana, voters are expected to re-elect Governor Bobby Jindal in a landslide. Of course, Jindal has an amazing first-term record by state standards – he hasn’t been arrested
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Pittsburgh safety Troy Polamalu was fined $10,000 for talking on a team cell phone in the bench area. He had sustained a mild concussion and was calling his wife to tell her he wasn’t seriously hurt. $10,000? The same or more as many unnecessary roughness penalties. Once again, NFL – No Freaking Logic..
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Regarding those three LSU starters who were suspended a game after testing positive for synthetic marijuana: I am sure it was just coincidence that the test was the week before the Tigers’ game against relatively lowly Auburn, as opposed to the game against Alabama.
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Lots of fans must have turned on Stanford-Washington football game Saturday night, and watched a track meet break out. The final score, 65-21, with Stanford rushing for 446 yards. (And the Huskies had touchdown runs of 46 and 61 yards.)
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The Washington Huskies were ranked #25 coming into tonight’s game. And Stanford won by 41 points. Will be interesting to see how the BCS uses this an an excuse to drop the Cardinal in the polls.
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Penn State coach Joe Paterno, 86, tied Eddie Robinson for all time D-1 coaching wins, with his 408th career victory Saturday night over Norhwestern.
Even more impressive than the 408 wins, Paterno can remember half of them.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: college football jokes, NCAA jokes
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October 20, 2011
Tonight during game one of the World Series, an excited Tim McCarver responded to a seventh-inning strikeout by saying “STRIKE – It’s a five letter word.” And then he proceeded to spell it “S-T-R-I-K-E.”
If “strike” is a five letter word, by that standard so is “stupid.”
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Guess we all know Tim McCarver’s favorite Dylan song: “Love is just a three-letter word.”
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Can’t imagine how baseball players get the reputation for being ignorant.
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And in Redwood City, south of San Francisco, 49ers WR Michael Crabtree was pulled over for allegedly speeding 85 in a 65 zone. And he had problems with his registration and license not being valid in California. Yet Crabtree tweeted yesterday that he missed a flight because the officer was a Raiders fans and thus detained him for 30 minutes.
Can’t imagine how football players get the reputation for being self-centered as well as ignorant.
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The first game of the World Series was played in damp weather in the low 40s with plenty of wind. Or as old-time SF Giants fans remembered- “Just like Summer at Candlestick.”
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So the St. Louis Cardinals, maybe or maybe not aided by playing at home (despite their weaker record), have won game one. If the Yankees had been actually able to navigate the playoffs lately, no doubt folks in New York would have convinced Bud Selig to drop that “All Star win equals home field advantage” idea by now.
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The Boston Red Sox are denying that their pitchers drank beer in the dugout. SF Giants fans are remembering all of Jonathan Sanchez’s “head-case” outings in 2011 and thinking, hmm, maybe he SHOULD have been drinking beer in the dugout.
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The Raiders have now announced that Carson Palmer will start at QB Sunday. Of course, they are playing the Kansas City Chiefs. So maybe Oakland figures this is the football equivalent of a baseball AAA rehab assignment.
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In the Scottish Highlands, British archaeologists have discovered the 1,000-year-old buried body of a Viking warrior. Wonder if they knew he was a Viking because he was wearing a Brett Favre jersey?
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After not mentioning it in recent debates and appearances, Rick Perry now says he wants to get rid of the current U.S. tax structure and change to a flat tax. Guess he wants his tax plan to match his poll numbers.
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President Nicolas Sarkozy’s wife Carla had a baby girl last night. The first child born to a French president in recent memory. (That we know of… and to his actual wife.)
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Lindsay Lohan has been found in violation of her probation and was taken into custody. “I am shocked,” said absolutely nobody.
(added my friend Alex Kaseberg, Los Angeles Margarita Machines breathed a collective sigh of relief.)
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Kelsey Grammer said his ex-wife Camille only married him because he was famous. Uh, duh, why else do youngish ex-Playboy models marry middle-aged frumpy looking men? Well, besides money.
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Three LSU football starters were suspended for…. fake marijuana?!! This would have never happened at OSU or Miami. Their boosters pay enough for players to be able to afford the real thing.
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Rumors abound that Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are considering divorce, only about two months after their marriage. So it might be looking good for those who had “less than 100 days in the pool.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Brett Favre jokes, French president wife baby, Red Sox jokes, Tim McCarver jokes, World Series jokes
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October 19, 2011
As Rick Perry and Mitt Romney took shots at each other in tonight’s CNN debates, how many people joined me in wanting to see a post-debate hard handshake and backslap etc….?
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The next major GOP debate will be November 15,on foreign policy. Comedy writers across the country are already preparing for an all-nighter.
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Herman Cain says he can “feel the bulls-eye on his back” before- tonight’s debate. Is he sure he’s not just feeling a sticker for “Two for one pizza?”
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Herman Cain also said he was joking about an electric fence on the border. Okay, fine. Only now he says “I don’t like to offend anyone…however, I don’t apologize for using a combination of a fence. And it might be electrified.”” Allegedly Cain got a message from Joe Biden “Herman, really, less is more.”
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Newt Gingrich said, if nominated, he will challenge President Obama to seven three-hour debates. Joe Biden is now just praying Newt gets the V.P. nod.
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So at the price of two first-round draft picks, Carlson Palmer is now an Oakland Raider and is now “un-retired.” And yes, Brett Favre, that does mean you are chopped liver.
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Carlson Palmer has now officially been traded from the Bengals to the Raiders. Which means a bit of a change. He’s going from convicts in the huddle to convicts in the stands.
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Have a college reunion party Friday night with a “Mad Men” theme. Which has prompted a long “What do we wear?” thread on Facebook. And of all the commenters, exactly zero are men.
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San Francisco is considering a bill to give employers a tax-break for hiring ex-felons. Who came up with this idea in the first place? The management of the Cincinnati Bengals?
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The NFL has announced they will not fine Jim Harbaugh and Jim Schwartz for their post-game behavior. The league may, however, offer coverage of both coaches’ next post-game handshakes on Pay-Per-View.
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Poor Steve Young, When the cameras switched to him during the pregame show on MNF, he had his cellphone in hand checking email. Well, the pictures are embarrassing, but it could be worse, at least his hand was just on his cellphone.
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Rick Santorum said last week that the GOP’s strategy for reducing “the Democratic advantage” should be get the single mothers in this country married, because now “they look to the government for help.” Of course if that were really a priority wouldn’t you think the solution would include birth control? And for that matter gay marriage?
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P.C. overdose alert: Four U.S. senators are urging the MLB players union to agree to a ban on chewing tobacco at games and on camera during the World Series, because they think it is a bad influence on viewers. Now, I hate chewing tobacco and wouldn’t mind a permanent ban in future. But after over 170 games, how fair is it to make players go cold turkey in the biggest games of the year?
My friend Walt points out that Congress won’t condemn crotch-grabbing, because they do it all the time. (Yes, and not always their own.)
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bachmann jokes, GOP debate jokes, Herman Cain jokes, Janice Hough, Mitt Romney jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
October 18, 2011
Okay, most serious football fans weren’t surprised that Jim Harbaugh has already gotten into it with another NFL coach. But 90 percent of those in the pool had Pete Carroll.
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T.C. says “Breaking News: UFC 138 Headliner now changed to Harbaugh vs Schwartz.”
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After the “shake heard round the world”, Jim Harbaugh is now saying that he will personally attempt to get better at the postgame handshake.” But let’s be real here, if he planned these handshakes in the first place, who other than Harbaugh himself thought the 49ers coach would be doing much more than congratulating his opponents.
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So tomorrow it will be the Cardinals vs. the Rangers in the World Series. Well, at least we know the BCS has nothing to do with baseball – otherwise it would be the Phillies against the Yankees in the series. With St. Louis and Texas in something like the Tostitos Tournament.
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How unpopular is Mitt Romney with Tea Party members? Herman Cain is just the latest of several candidates to vault into a tie in the polls for the GOP Presidential nomination. In fact, some dislike Romney so much they may still support Cain after they figure out he’s black.
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The Oakland Raiders, 4-2, are looking for a temporary QB now that Jason Campbell will be sidelined for 6-8 weeks with a broken collarbone. Rumor has it they already sent someone to Hattiesburg, MS to put up a billboard saying “No thanks Brett.”
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A new law in California will require children to be in booster seats until they are 4’9″ or eight years old, whichever comes first. Good thing about that “whichever comes first,” kids like Doug Flutie would be in boosters through high school.
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Okay, so maybe the Cardinal isn’t getting any BCS love, but there are different measures of success. And how’s this one? The Stanford football game Saturday against Washington is SOLD OUT. And tickets are being scalped at twice face value and up on Stubhub.
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Okay, regarding this maybe slightly simplistic 9-9-9 tax plan: So new goods get taxed, and used goods don’t. Well, for starters, that would mean that a buyer of the most basic model 2012 Nissan Versa would pay tax, and a buyer of a 2010 S-Class Mercedes wouldn’t.
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Martin Sheen praised President Obama today and said he’s the “only adult in the room.” Well, if anyone knows about being the only adult in the room, it’s Charlie Sheen’s father.
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Wells Fargo reported third-quarter net income of $4.1 billion, up 21% from a year ago. The bank earned 72 cents a share, although analysts had expected 73 cents. You know what that means… banking fees are going up.
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After an extremely contentious divorce, Frank McCourt got the Dodgers, and his ex-wife Jamie got $130 million. Guess Frank got the short straw.
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Frank and Jamie McCourt have reached a divorce settlement. She gets $130 million, he gets to keep the Dodgers. This is good news, for Giants fans.
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Fans of several lousy NFL teams are now hoping their teams continue to lose in a “Suck For Luck” strategy. Andrew Luck himself was interviewed about the idea, and responded. “I think it’s stupid. Simply put.” Fans of the Dolphins, Rams and Colts responded – “Uh, since you’re supposed to be the smart guy from Stanford, clearly you haven’t seen our current QBs play this year.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 9-9-9 jokes, bank jokes, handshake jokes, Herman Cain jokes, Jim Harbaugh jokes, Romney jokes, World Series jokes
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October 16, 2011
The world’s population is expected to hit seven billion by the end of October. And just think, all these children were conceived before the NBA lockout.
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For a while tonight’s Cardinals-Brewers game was looking like it will be decided in overtime by a field goal.
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Rangers have to have loved watching the NLCS slugfest. Especially after last night. Did the Rangers score 15 runs against the Giants in the whole World Series?
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In related news there are rumors that some guys in red caps were seen earlier in Milwaukee parks with peanuts trying to lure temporary “pets” for their visitors clubhouse.
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The SF 49ers beat the Detroit Lions despite 15 penalties for 120 yards. Wonder if this was THEIR game to honor Al Davis?
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ESPN notes that Stanford’s football team,which is ranked No. 5 in the coaches’ poll and No. 7 in the Harris Poll, is No. 20 in Massey’s computer ratings and No. 15 in Sagarin’s. They add that the BCS computers “don’t seem to like the Cardinal at this point.”. Really, what was their first clue?
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In fact, undefeated #7 Stanford beat now 3-3 WSU by 30. #8 Clemson rallied to beat now 2-4 Maryland 56-45. You know what that means. Clemson jumped over Stanford in the polls.
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Open note to readers asking for San Jose Sharks jokes – the Sharks don’t get really funny until the playoffs.
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Okay, so almost nobody had the SF 49ers 5-1 at this point. On the other hand, bookies just collected big time on all those fools who bet Harbaugh would make it at least halfway through the season without a post-game incident involving another coach.
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Newt Gingrich said today that Mitt Romney would have a hard time getting the GOP nomination, but that Mitt is “a very likable person.” Well, Newt might be right about the first statement, but a major reason is that he’s wrong about the second.
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A 100-year-old man in Toronto today became the oldest person to complete a full-distance marathon. Although rumors are he just went out to get the paper. And had a little trouble remembering his way home.
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Herman Cain is now denying his 9-9-9 tax plan came from SimCity. Pundits, however, will be carefully watching any agriculture plan the GOP candidate put out, to see if there are any similarities to Farmville.
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In an interview with Wolf Blitzer, John McCain advised Rick Perry to get some sleep before next week’s CNN Republican debate, adding ““Every time I made a serious mistake politically – and I’ve made them – it’s been when I’m tired.” Must have been a heck of an all-nighter before McCain picked Sarah Palin.
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Serious travel thought for the night: Eleven of Walt Disney World’s deluxe resorts have just started offering free in-room wireless access. If WDW (sometimes known as Wallet Disney World) can take such a step, what’s holding back chains like Hyatt, Ritz Carlton, Four Seasons, and Marriott?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 9-9-9 jokes, BCS jokes, Cardinals jokes, Herman Cain jokes, McCain jokes, playoff jokes, Stanford jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
October 15, 2011
Although really, the only thing squirrely about Friday night’s game in St. Louis was Milwaukee’s fielding.
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Open note to SF Giants management: In 2012, install squirrels at A T & T Park. Or heck, put a salt water pool in center field and install a real sea lion. Cute mammals seem to help.
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Good news in Milwaukee is that the Brewers may auction off their game six gloves for charity. The gloves should get good prices considering they weren’t really used.
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Boston Red Sox owner John Henry said it was “sad” to lose both Terry Francona and Theo Epstein at the same time. “Sad?” Maybe. The word I would use is “Pathetic.”
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Steve Wozniak was apparently the first person in line to buy a new iPhone 4s. 20 hours worth. And he said “The experience (of being in line) is deep in my heart. It’s kind of like ‘Dancing with the Stars. The fact that it’s so hard is what makes it fun. ” Anyone else think Apple’s co-founder just might have a little too much time on his hands?
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The BCS has said the Big East’s automatic bowl bid is safe through 2013. But after that they will re-evaluate. Translation at that point the committee will see if there is any way they can get two guaranteed BCS spots for SEC teams.
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TSA’s latest security idea is “Chat Downs”. Whereby officers will start asking travellers a series of probing questions about their travel plans etc. Presumably one phase of the plan will be hiring thousands of Jewish mothers.
(And of course the first question will be, okay, when was the last time you visited your mother?)
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The GOP House hired a lawyer to defend a law denying federal benefits to same-sex spouses. The attorney, Paul Clement, said “Homosexuals have a great deal of political power” and are not entitled to the safeguards that courts have established for laws that discriminate against racial minorities or women. Well, if it had been up to today’s conservatives, we wouldn’t have laws to protect minorities or women either.
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So he thinks CAMPAIGNING for President is rough? Texas Gov. Rick Perry says he “stands by his wife,” and won’t dispute his wife’s assertion he’s been “brutalized and beaten up and chewed up” in the presidential campaign. Somewhere Barack and Michelle Obama are just giggling.
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Cal lost 30-9 to USC at AT & T Park in football Thursday night. Makes sense, local teams seem to have a problem this year scoring at A T & T against professional opponents.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Brewers jokes, Cardinals jokes, Milwaukee fielding jokes, squirrel jokes, TSA jokes
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October 14, 2011
Herman Cain is now the GOP Presidential frontrunner?! But let’s be fair. With the love and affection most Republicans feel for Romney, Stephen Colbert could announce his candidacy tomorrow, and vault over Mitt in the polls by next week.
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Anita Perry on her husband Rick: “He is the only true conservative – well, there are some true conservatives. And they’re there for good reasons. And they may feel like God called them too. But I truly feel like we are here for that purpose.” Gosh, listening to Anita, it sounds like she’d fit right in if she herself decided to join the GOP field running for President.
So now there are rumors Herman Cain stole his 9-9-9 tax plan from the video game SimCity. Big deal, for years there have been rumors that Mitt Romney stole his style from one of his granddaughters’ Ken dolls.
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Not even Al Davis’s death put him on the cover of Sports Illustrated. But Al would probably have approved. Wouldn’t want anyone to jinx his Raiders.
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Hank Williams Jr. is trying to shop his “All My Rowdy Friends” song to other networks. Maybe he should try to shop it to the Red Sox for their clubhouse.
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NBA Commissioner David Stern says that the labor dispute is now threatening Christmas games. The potential horror. Millions of families may be actually forced to talk to each other.
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Tough times for Mitt Romney. It’s not just that he’s losing to “None of the Above.” But “None of the Above” has a higher likability rating.
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Got to love it. True story. Guy trying to get into Red Carpet Club at LAX because he is in First Class. Agent says, sorry, we only give access to non-members when they are flying First Class internationally, not Domestic. Guy, indignantly. “But I’m going to Hawaii.”
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Blackberry’s president has apologized for the outages that have gone on since Monday. Of course most of his customers won’t get the message until at least next week
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One of those rare serious thoughts: The House passed another anti-abortion bill today. Now, abortion is a tough subject and I realize reasonable people can disagree. But I would respect a lot of the anti-abortion types more if they weren’t also usually in favor of cutting funding for programs for poor women and their living children.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Blackberry jokes, Herman Cain jokes, Janice Hough, Mitt Romney jokes, NBA jokes, Romney jokes
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October 13, 2011
For some reason, Blackberries across the world have been experiencing service outages with their email, browsing and texting capabilities. Which comes at a particularly bad time for RIM with the recent release of the iPhone 4S. And here some people thought Steve Jobs would be bored up in heaven.
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Blackberry’s worldwide problems continued Wednesday, even resulting in major outages in the United States. Although the U.S. problems eased in the afternoon. So much for that morning drop in auto accidents while drivers couldn’t text and check their messages.
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“Too much technology” issue of the day: All these airlines pushing their travelers to do mobile boarding passes instead of paper…. Anyone who’s flying with a mobile boarding pass sent to their Blackberry today is completely, er, hosed. (PG version.)
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Meanwhile, in Oak Park, Illinois, the city is trying to cut down on “distracted” driving and considering making it illegal to eat while driving a car. Well, as long as they don’t make drinking coffee while driving illegal.
Personally I’d take my chances with a distracted driver holding a coffee cup over many people on the road before they had their morning caffeine.
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Postscript to NLCS game three and the NLDS: Hmm, maybe President Obama needs to have a squirrel run across the floor in Congress to rescue his jobs bill.
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Wednesday night in St. Louis, fans were given “Rally Squirrel” towels, plus the chance to buy a stuffed animal for $5. This whole phenomenon could be the squirreliest thing in MLB since Bud Selig said he had no idea about the steroid problem.
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Meanwhile, for the third game out of four in the ALCS there was at least a delay due to rain. Hmm, maybe God really is a Yankees fan.
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Theo Epstein has apparently come to terms with the Chicago Cubs to be their new GM. The contract is apparently for 5 years and $15 million. With the provision that if he gets the Cubs to the World Series, Epstein will be nominated immediately for sainthood.
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Boston College AD Gene DeFilippo has apologized to the ACC for saying in a newspaper interview that ESPN told the league to add Pittsburgh and Syracuse.
DeFilippo said in a letter that he “spoke inappropriately and erroneously regarding ESPN’s role in conference expansion.” Translation, ESPN may or may not have told the league to add the teams, but if they did they told us to shut up about it.
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Herman Cain leads in a new poll of GOP presidential candidates with 27 %. Mitt Romney remains where he usually is, in second place, this time with 23%. While erstwhile leaders Bachmann and Perry have fallen off. But let’s be real here, what these polls consistently show is that 75-80% of GOP voters want ANYONE but Romney.
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V.P. Joe Biden said Herman Cain’s “9-9-9” proposal would “unduly hurt the middle class in America.” Yeah, well that assumes there is still a middle class still left in America.
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A Massachusetts family that got lost in a seven-acre corn maze apparently called 911 for help yesterday. Stories like this make you wonder why Obama doesn’t throw up his hands and say “I quit, you Americans are hopeless.”
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Despite allegations that Cam Newton’s father “shopped” his services, and despite further allegations by former Auburn players that they were paid, the NCAA has determined that the university was not guilty of major wrongdoing and does not need to vacate their BCS championship. The ruling presumably cited the well-known “SEC codicil.”
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From T.C. CFL (Canadian Football League) update. THe Montreal Alouettes’ Anthony Cavillo has set the record for most career yards passing (72,429 yds) for all pro quarterbacks. Congrats were that he passed in the record books. (Dan Marino, Damon Allen and Warren Moon)
Brett Favre was noticeably missing, but that’s only because Deanna still has his video phone.
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From another funny friend (not T.C.) who wishes to remain anonymous: The Seahawks tried to trade Aaron Curry to the Raiders last week, too, but Al Davis said, “Over my dead body.”
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 9-9-9 jokes, Blackberry jokes, Blackberry outage jokes, Cain jokes, CFL jokes, GOP jokes, Steve Jobs jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
October 12, 2011
Just a thought, if Mitt Romney ever actually does win the Presidency… Fully expect Madame Tussaud’s to throw up their hands and say “Sorry, there is no way we can compete with reality here.”
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This thought inspired by a conversation with my friend Steven Harmon: If Admiral Stockdale was alive he would look at the GOP candidates on the debate stand tonight and ask “Who are they, what are they doing here?”
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Like Chris Christie, Rudy Giuliani just announced he was not running for President. Unlike Christie, no one had asked Giuliani to run anyway.
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New Jersey Governor Chris Christie did endorse Romney Tuesday. Wonder if any editor will run this headline today “Christie throws weight behind Romney.”
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Herman Cain said before tonight’s GOP debate that he was going to take on Mitt Romney but added “I’m not going after Perry. I don’t need to go after Perry.” Translation, nothing I can add will be as damaging as what comes out of Rick Perry’s mouth.
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Herman Cain, who has become a darling of the Tea Party, also said “If you don’t have a job and you’re not rich, blame yourself.” Uh, doesn’t that mean Obama’s off the hook?
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Lebron James is now talking about taking his talents to the NFL. Wait until someone tells him they also play four quarters.
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Theo Epstein is apparently about to bolt Boston for the Chicago Cubs. Well, now that he’s married with children it makes sense. The job comes with Octobers off.
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South Carolina quarterback Stephen Garcia has been dismissed from the team, after his fifth suspension. – this one due to his allegedly testing positive for marijuana and alcohol. Wonder how long until Garcia gets asked to work out for the Cincinnati Bengals.
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From Gary M. – Had Dr. Seuss chronicled the Broncos Sunday, he would’ve told us that Tebow got to play because: Orton Hears a Boo.
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Open note to all those ESPN types who were basically predicting a Texas ALCS sweep: If you guys paid any attention to teams beyond the Yankees and Red Sox, you might have noticed that a- Texas isn’t as good on the road, and b- Detroit has a pretty good team, including that Fister guy they picked up from Seattle….
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ESPN is advertising their first “Countdown to the BCS” Sunday night. Which will be, about HALFWAY through the college football season, the current rankings for BCS bowl games. Not sure of the order of the top teams at this point, but sure of one thing, anyone who makes this appointment TV is in serious need of a life.
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Tim Tebow apparently will be named the Broncos starter for their game after the bye week. Does this mean that God wants Tebow to be the Denver QB? Or does He/She really want to see Andrew Luck in a Broncos uniform?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball playoffs jokes, Chris Christie jokes, GOP debate jokes, Herman Cain jokes, Janice Hough, Mitt Romney jokes, Romney jokes, Tim Tebow jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
October 11, 2011
Is this a sign of the apocalypse or what? At the time of writing this post, the best professional team in Michigan plays football, and the best professional team in Texas plays baseball.
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Okay, we all know that the SEC conference has the best on-field reputation in college football. (We won’t talk about stuff like academics and felonies, for now.)
But looking at the rankings, with Boise State over Stanford in most polls, when did the Mountain West Conference pass the Pac 12?
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Apparently due to an outage, millions of BlackBerry users in Europe have been without Web and texting service Monday. What a crisis. Many teenagers were forced to actually talk to each other.
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A legally blind high school student in New Jersey pitched a no-hitter. Which might be a first. Although many sports fans would say that legally-blind umpires have often called one.
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Former Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty says “if I would have known then what I know now” he would have stayed in the presidential race longer. Well, yeah, at the very least Pawlenty would have had his turn to have poll numbers equal to or better than Mitt Romney’s.
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Netflix got a brief public relations boost Monday morning by announcing they are reversing their plan to split their streaming and DVD rentals into two companies with two logins, passwords, etc. But then all those happy customers realized, the price hike stays….
This is kind of like leaving your wife for another woman, returning, and saying “by the way honey, mind if she stays with us for a while?”
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Hank Williams Jr, is coming out with a new song “I’ll keep my ….” Including the line “So Fox `n Friends wanna put me down/Ask for my opinion/Twist it all around….” And he urges Americans to boycott the show (along with ESPN.) Must give props to Williams – he’s done something few thought possible – accused “Fox & Friends” of being overly PC.
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Okay, lies, damn lies and statistics time. And yes, the 49ers are somehow 4-1. But if you look at quarterback ratings, Alex Smith, at 104.1 is behind only Tom Brady and Aaron Rodgers as the number three QB in the country.
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Gov. Jerry Brown signed legislation banning “Open-Carry” of unloaded handguns in California. On the SF Chronicle website there are a number of comments saying “Well, he just lost my vote.” Okay, but if anyone cares so much about carrying an unloaded gun in public, did we really think they were going to vote for Brown in the first place?
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Game two of the ALCS between Detroit and Texas was cancelled in advance due to rain. Except it never rained. So who made the decision about this over-hyped storm – a “Dream Team” of weather forecaster.
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“Joe the Plumber” is back and running for Congress. Anyone else wish that Andy Warhol’s 15 minutes was a lifetime cap in some cases?
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Apparently Rick Perry’s campaign staff is trying to reduce his future speaking errors and bad performances by making the Governor get more sleep. Is that really likely to work? The modern president who was most consistently the “early to bed” type was George W. Bush.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: college football jokes, Hank Williams Jr. jokes, Netflix jokes, Rick Perry, SEC jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
October 9, 2011
R.I.P. Al Davis. Whatever you thought of the man, the No Fun League just got a little more boring.
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Apparently Davis set up his will to keep control of the Raiders in his family. Well, actually that was Al’s backup plan. His real intent was to live forever.
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Not to say Al Davis was a bit of a control freak. But in his will wonder how many years ahead he left instructions and choices for Raiders draft picks?
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As my friend Ed says “Not a good week for men in black.”
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Oklahoma Sooners 55 – Texas Longhorns 17. This could be the most embarrassing thing to happen to Texas football for a while. Especially since the Dallas Cowboys have a bye week.
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So for all their money, the Yankees ended up this year without winning it all, and in most of the country, getting no love. Wonder if they got a congratulatory call from Mitt Romney.
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Robert Jeffress, the pastor who introduced Rick Perry to the “Values Voters Summit” said that Mitt Romney’s Mormon faith is “a cult.” Several cults responded “Hey, don’t accuse us of including Mormons.”
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Roger Williams, who died today at the age of 87, played for nine presidents, and still has the the best-selling piano record of all time, his 1955 “Autumn Leaves.” Many younger people these days, however, heard of his death and wonder who Williams was. And still others wonder “what’s a record?”
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Stanford and Andrew Luck put on a clinic Saturday against Colorado. Which should impress Heismann and BCS voters. Both of them who are actually watching the game.
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SI.com College Football ten Headlines late Saturday night: “No. 14 NU rallies from 21 down – McCarron, No. 2 Tide trip Vandy – No. 1 Tigers trump No. 17 Gators -No. 3 OU rips No. 11 Texas 55-17 -No. 8 Clemson wins; Boyd hurt -No. 13 Ga. Tech improves to 6-0 – Wake Forest topples No. 23 FSU -No. 18 South Carolina dumps UK – Thomas’ late TD rescues Hokies – No. 24 Aggies outslug Red Raiders 45-40.”
And No. 7 Stanford wonders why they keep winning and dropping in the polls.
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How the mighty have fallen. Headline today on ESPN.com – “Tiger makes cut at Frys.com”
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Caltech’s water polo team snapped their nine year and one day losing streak today against the Master’s College. Although to give them credit, Caltech players during that stretch did at least avoid drowning.
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Another MLB playoff game, another late-night rain delay. What a shame that baseball isn’t a game that can be played during the daytime.
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The NBA has already cancelled meaningless pre-season games. But Monday is David Stern’s deadline for the first two weeks of the regular season. And the two sides have announced they will not be meeting by then. Which means now the league will start cancelling meaningless regular season games.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Al Davis death jokes, Al Davis jokes, Stanford football jokes
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October 9, 2011
Tigers, Rangers, Cardinals, Brewers. None of them amongst baseball’s paupers. But the nine teams in baseball with the highest payrolls are now all home watching on TV.
(The Tigers, btw, at about $105 million, are the highest paid team left, followed by about $200,000 by the Cardinals.)
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Congrats to the Cardinals. But maybe, just maybe, someone in the national media might opine after this year that the best starting rotation when it counts in baseball resides about 2500 miles west of Philly. (And yes, even great pitchers need SOME hitting, which is why that rotation isn’t in the postseason.)
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And congratulations to Milwaukee for making it to the NLCS. While I am not particularly a Brewers fan, I do realize that a Detroit-Milwaukee World Series would be Fox Sports’ worst nightmare. And Karmic payback for all those televised Red Sox-Yankees game.
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Rough week for fans in Philadelphia and New York, with the heavily favored Phillies and Yankees losing in the first round. Well, at least they’ve got championship dreams with the Eagles and Jets…. Uh, never mind.
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Now available at Dollar Stores near you – “Phillies-Yankees 2011 World Series t-shirts.”
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Good news for Phillies fans. With the retail shopping season starting earlier and earlier, it won’t be more than about a month until they can start booing Santa Claus.
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Dick Stockton, calling the Cardinals-Phillies game, just said on TBS that “the drama on the field” is increasing each inning. Wow. What an astute observation in a 1-0 game five in a best of five series.
NCAA has suspended Ohio State wide receiver DeVier Posey for five additional games because he was paid $728 for summer work he did not do. Miami players all responded “$728?! Man, midwest boosters are pikers.”
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Mitt Romney attacked Obama Friday saying “This is very simple: If you do not want America to be the strongest nation on Earth, I am not your president. You have that president.” Right, as opposed to the last GOP president who got Bin Laden and all those Al Qaeda leaders, and toppled Gaddafi… Oops, never mind.
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At the White House, President Barack Obama Friday saluted his beloved 1985 Chicago Bears for their Super Bowl win. (Now, the President had a plausible reason, as the original visit was cancelled due to the Challenger disaster.) In any case, it’s good that Obama is a South Side of Chicago baseball fan. Would be a little embarrassing to salute the 1908 Cubs.
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So for all their money, the Yankees ended up this year without winning it all, and in most of the country, getting no love. Wonder if they got a congratulatory call from Mitt Romney.
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From my funny friend Paul Seaburn: “A beautician in Thailand claims she has an all-natural technique for enlarging breasts that involves slapping them. I’m not sure I believe it. If slapping body parts made them grow, most guys would need three-legged trousers…”
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The Dutch national railway has some short-haul “Sprinter” trains designed without bathrooms. For passengers who need facilities, they are offering – plastic bags. (Yes, really.) The bags, which contain absorbent material and can be sealed and thrown away, are kept in the conductors booth for “emergencies only.” Let’s hope U.S. airlines never hear about this.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, New York Yankees jokes, Philadelphia Phillies jokes, Phillies jokes, Romney jokes, Yankees jokes
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October 7, 2011
What’s the difference these days between A-Rod and his ex-girlfriend Madonna? Madonna will actually be performing in the postseason.
(for the record, 2-18 in the ALDS, 0-4 in game five.)
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Now that the Yankees are eliminated, it’s ESPN who wants the theme song “Are you ready for some football.
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In their 3-2 loss to the Tigers, the Yankees certainly had chances. New York had runners on base in 7 innings, but went 2 for 9 with runners in scoring position, and stranded 10. Yes, the Yankees looked like World Champions, but the World Champions they looked like were the 2011 version of the SF Giants.
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This week the fat man bowed out of the Presidential race, and the fat lady sang at Yankee Stadium.
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Herman Cain on the unemployed: “If you don’t have a job and you’re not rich, blame yourself!” I’m amazed he didn’t add “Godfathers Pizza is hiring for minimum wage plus tips.”
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So in the end, what was the difference between the Red Sox and the Yankees? About a week.
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Tigers pitchers Doug Fister and Joaquin Benoit have this torture concept down so well they’ve just been made honorary SF Giants.
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The Miami Dolphins are already 0-4, and now QB Chad Henne’s separated shoulder will keep him out for the year. Looks like there’s a good chance Andrew Luck will be taking HIS talents to South Beach.
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A Texas man posted something about the anniversary of his mother’s death on facebook, and his estranged wife didn’t hit the “like” button. So the two got in a fight and he was arrested for battery. Wonder before they hauled him off if the guy had time to change his relationship status to “It’s VERY complicated.”
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Monday Night Football said they dismissed Hank Williams Jr, Williams says it was “MY” decision. In any case he and his song are gone. Standby soon for the singer’s next gig – “Are you ready for some FOX News?”
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From Marc Ragovin: Hank Williams, Jr. is in hot water for comparing President Obama to Adolph Hitler, or, as he is knowns amongst NFL players, Roger Goodell.
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Apparently one of the Boise State football players who was suspended this season received a car and money to cover insurance. Maybe it’s a good thing that the NCAA seems to be losing the battle to clean up college football. If they ever do it could cause further damage to the U.S. auto industry.
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Yet another example of why there is no satire – The Westboro Baptist Church has already announced plans to protest Steve Jobs’s funeral. They sent the message out via Twitter for iPhone.
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The Westboro Baptist people, who intend to picket Steve Jobs’ funeral for his “sins,” give Christians a bad name. Heck, they give people a bad name.
Added my friend Alex Kaseberg “They give rabid, puppy-eating hyenas a bad name.”
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Whatever the outcome of the trial of Michael Jackson’s doctor, one thing seems pretty certain – it’s amazing Jackson lived as long as he did.
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Bank of America’s CEO Brian Moynihan, defended his bank’s new $5 fee on debit cards on Wednesday, saying the bank has a “right to make a profit.” What he didn’t say, however, is that when they don’t make a profit, they also reserve the right to ask taxpayers for a bailout.
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Starbucks has raised the price of their small brewed coffee from $1.50 to $1.65. This has resulted in two different reactions: One, annoyance from plain coffee drinkers over a 10 percent increase, two, shock from most Starbucks customers that ANYTHING on the menu is under $2.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bank of America jokes, Detroit Tigers jokes, Janice Hough, MNF jokes, Starbucks jokes, Yankees choke jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
October 6, 2011
Or should we say R.iPeace.
But hey, give the man credit. Steve Jobs is already accomplishing things in the afterlife. He just knocked Sarah Palin’s “I’m not running for President” announcement off the front page.
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Probably too soon for jokes about iHeadstones or iCoffin jokes. But not that much too soon. (Two of my anonymous friends have already suggested something containing either would have a crappy camera.)
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Wonder which will come first, Jobs’ memorial service, or the first “tell-all” book.”
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Meanwhile, back to Palin jokes: Sarah announced that she will not run for president in 2012, and said the decision was “prayerfully considered.” Wonder if that means God responded to her prayer with “Are you out of your bleeping mind?”
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Fox regular lead baseball analyst Tim McCarver will have a “minor heart-related procedure” this week and be replaced in the booth by Terry Francona. Baseball television viewers the world over wish McCarver the best, but think he should take plenty of time off to recover, say until at least 2014.
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St. Louis has scored 18 runs against Philadephia pitching in just four games. Yes, the Phillies are a strong team. But before the national media tries, again, to anoint their pitching staff as the best in baseball, remember SF Giants’ pitchers would call 18 runs a bad week.
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Michael Vick says the Philadelphia Eagles will no longer use the name “Dream Team.” “Nightmare” is more like it.
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My friend Jerry Perisho points out: “There was a squirrel at the Cards-Phillies game. And, it wasn’t Bud Selig.”
(My only squibble with that joke, it’s insulting to squirrels.)
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The WAC commissioner apologized for an “excessive delay” when replay officials took 22 minutes to review a play in last weekend’s Hawaii-Louisiana Tech game. 22 minutes for a decision on one play?! Who was in the replay booth? Brett Favre.
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St. Louis has scored 18 runs against Philadelphia pitching in just four games. Yes, the Phillies are a strong team. But before the national media tries, again, to anoint their pitching staff as the best in baseball, remember SF Giants’ pitchers would call 18 runs a bad week.
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Stanford’s Andrew Luck now apparently has security guards when he is going to and from games, in part to protect him from countless professional autograph hunters. Fortunately Luck is still able to attend classes on his own, probably because these pros haven’t considered the idea of a Heisman candidate QB actually GOING to class.
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A high school kicker from Carson, NV hit a 64 yard field goal last weekend. He’s been offered several college scholarships and a tryout with the Philadelphia Eagles.
Quote in response to those who are denigrating Michelle Obama’s “Let’s Move” campaign against child obesity “I think it’s a really good goal to encourage kids to eat better. I’ve struggled with my weight for 30 years, and it’s a struggle. And if a kid can avoid that in his or her adult years, more power to them, and I think the first lady’s speaking out well.” The speaker? Chris Christie.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: major league baseball playoffs jokes, Palin jokes, Palin not running for president jokes, Steve Jobs death jokes, Steve Jobs jokes, Tim McCarver jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
October 5, 2011
For comedy writers. The Yankees avoided choking and Chris Christie announced he will not run for President.
But ever onward.
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Watching the Yankees win big is like watching Microsoft put another moderately funded start-up out of business.
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This afternoon the Tampa Bay Rays became the first team eliminated with the baseball playoffs. When asked their reaction, most sports fans in Tampa responded “We have a baseball team?”
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MLB fined St. Louis manager Tony La Russa for complaining on television about “two different strike zones” in Sunday’s game. But Yankees manager Joe Girardi also complained publicly about the strike zone for Sabathia last night. Well, not sure about two different strike zones, but where the Yankees are concerned MLB has two different rule books.
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New drugs for PTSD have the effect in some cases of wiping out memories. Although some scientists worry that such medications could also change people’s biographies and thus identities. Of course, there is a way for some men to take the drugs and still have total recall with details available – it’s called a wife.
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Note for women who are hoping to get a new iPhone 5 or 4s for Christmas. Most of the guys who will be first in line to get one are single.
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A Michigan high school girl , Brianna Amat, was named homecoming queen, and then that same evening went out and kicked the winning field goal for her school. She was immediately offered a tryout with the Philadelphia Eagles.
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So the NBA has now cancelled the pre-season, and is threatening to cancel the regular season. Which means that fans of professional basketball will be stuck watching John Calipari coach at Kentucky.
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Ralph Nader spoke at UC Berkeley today saying major universities should eliminate athletic scholarships or risk losing their “academic luster.” Of course, in the SEC their idea of “academic luster” means shiny bowl championship rings.
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Hank Williams Jr. is apologizing for comparing President Obama to Hitler. But the singer’s’ views are so conservative, you have to wonder, was he apologizing to fans of Obama or fans of Hitler?
Now for the anti-Hank Williams Jr.: Garth Brooks’ lyrics to “We shall be free: “When the last thing we notice is the color of skin. And the first thing we look for is the beauty within. When the skies and the oceans are clean again. We shall be free.” “When we’re free to love anyone we choose. When this world’s big enough for all different views…. We shall be free.” (Google the whole song if you like country music at all.)
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Today, October 4, United Airlines sent out a message to their frequent fliers saying that it was “Time to book Thanksgiving travel.” Although of course discount fares for peak days were sold out a couple months ago. Means their marketing department is as on time as many of their planes.
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Chris Christie says “Now is not my time.” And says unequivocally that he will not run for President in 2012. This might be the strongest sign yet that despite his poll numbers, Barack Obama is poised to win re-election.
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The Almighty works in strange and magical ways. LSU QB Jordan Jefferson, speaking out for the first time since his suspension said “God puts people in certain situations. I don’t regret anything. Everything happened for a reason. I’ve learned a lot from this.” Hmm, missed the part in the Bible where God puts people in bar fights.
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From Bill Littlejohn: A video is making the rounds in which a Cowboys fan and his son take three attempts to burn a Tony Romo jersey.In the wake of this, Cleveland Cavaliers fans have announced an instructional video”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Chris Christie, Eagles jokes, Hank Williams Jr. jokes, New York Yankees jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
October 4, 2011
I think I can speak for many Americans when I say, “Okay, so I’d rather see “my” team win a playoff game. But it’s not a bad consolation prize to watch the Yankees lose.”
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My friend Walter pointed out today that of all the meaningless statistics in baseball, the most egregious involve pinstripes, like Sportscenter talking about the “most Ks postseason against the Yankees.”
But get this one from ESPN.com: “Delmon Young’s solo homer in Monday’s game was the sixth go-ahead, game-winning shot in the seventh inning or later vs. the Yankees during the wild-card era. The last was David Ortiz’s walk-off homer in 2004 that started the Red Sox’s historic comeback in the ALCS.”
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On the postgame show, Joe Girardi politely complained about the small strike zone for Sabathia. When asked, “did you think the zone was equal for both sides?” he responded “I don’t necessarily look at Verlander’s pitches, I look at our guy’s.” Yeah, hard to understand how the Yankees get the reputation for thinking the world resolves around them.
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The Yankees got two on in the ninth, but Derek Jeter struck out to end the game. His sixth strikeout of the ALDS. Guess this postseason you can’t spell “Kaptain” without a “K.”
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Potential joke after game four. What’s the difference between the Red Sox and the Yankees?
About a week.
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Hank Williams Jr’s “Are you ready for some football,” was dropped from the opening of MNF after the country singer compared President Obama to Hitler. Williams also added “They’re the enemy… Obama! And Biden! Are you kidding? The Three Stooges.” Sounds like his Hank’s math skills are on a part with the rest of his intelligence.
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Tacky joke about a tackier incident. What was Hank Williams Jr. thinking when he said John Boehner’s outing with the President was like golfing with Hitler? As if Hitler would have ever gone golfing with an orange person.
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Martha Stewart’s daughter Alexis, 46, has written a tell-all book, “Whateverland: Learning to Live Here,” in which she complains about her mother and says amongst other things that she was very rigid and everything had to be done perfectly. Martha Stewart a control freak? “I’m shocked”, said absolutely nobody.
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Is it just me, or is anyone else just not that impressed with people making big money and going on book tours, when they’ve accomplished no more in their lives than being able to complain about their famous parents?
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The latest MLB rumor has GM Theo Epstein possibly leaving the Red Sox for the Cubs. Well, at least it would take care of that problem of overly high expectations.
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Speaking of expectations, okay, so the Buccaneers beat the Colts on MNF. These things happen. But who in the off-season would have expected the headline “Indianapolis nearly upsets Tampa Bay?”
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Hawaii has become the first state to call surfing an official high school sport. In California and Florida they are scoffing – it’s not a sport until you can get paid in college for playing it.
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Three Buckeyes football players have been suspended for OSU’s game against Nebraska for allegedly being paid too much money for too little work in their summer jobs. Have to wonder, are the players all planning to run for Congress?
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Although the way OSU is playing, maybe they were also suspended for being overpaid for their on-field performance.
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Heaven knows the Democratic party has some serious crazies. But at the moment none of them are running for President. This from a recent Michele Bachmann appearance on an Iowa radio show: A caller told her he would vote for serial killer Charles Manson over President Obama. “Hey, thank you for saying that,” she replied.
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Headline today: “Christie Would ‘Cannonball’ Republican Field.” Cannonball? As a child who grew up in diving in hotel/motel pools before this was outlawed, I would say a Chris Christie “Cannonball” would be more like a tsunami.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Detroit Tigers jokes, Hank Williams Jr, Jeter jokes, jokes, New York Yankees jokes, playoff jokes
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October 2, 2011
Anyone have a clue what’s with SNL and the Lawrence Welk spoofs? Do they figure the only people who still regularly find the show funny are old enough to remember the original?
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Stanford beat UCLA tonight in football, 45 to 19. In a game that starte at 745p. 1045p EST. Just in time maybe for the opening kickoff return to make the late night east coast news. All hail America’s true God – television.
The game finished just before 2am. EST. Presumably just in time for the first NFL pre-game show.
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Barry Sanders, Jr, (yes, the son of the NFL Hall of Famer), is considering several universities where he might play college football. The leading candidates are apparently Oklahoma State, Florida State, Alabama, Arkansas, Auburn and Stanford. Of course, Stanford can offer Sanders one thing the other schools can’t – actual classes.
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Another week, another heartbreaking collapse in the fourth quarter for Texas A & M. Who’s coaching this team? Lebron James?
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A guy known as “Ben” is appearing on a Style Network reality show called “Sperm Donor,” where he told his fiance he may have fathered as many as 70 biological children. Responded a few anonymous NBA players – “Amateur.”
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Looks like there may be a silver lining to Ohio State’s 2011 season. This year the Buckeyes won’t have any big-time bowl memorabilia to sell.
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Now of course, OSU may right the ship. But if not, it could be a good rivalry game this year for the folks in Ann Arbor. Wonder how many headline writers are just itching to write “Wolverines tattoo Buckeyes.”
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Kobe Bryant is apparently negotiating seriously to play in Italy next year. Presumably his wife will insert a clause saying the team must house him somewhere without room service.
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Does NBA now stand for “No Basketball Anticipated?”
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The FBI and Dept. of Homeland security are warning that our killing of U.S.-born militant cleric Anwar al-Awlaki, could spark retaliatory attacks. Uh, since Al-Qaeda’s stated objective is to kill Americans, this is different from standard operating procedure how?
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At a fundraiser in N.H, Rick Perry said he is open to sending American troops to Mexico to help battle drug cartels. Can’t imagine where Perry gets his reputation for shooting off his mouth without thinking.
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Although he insists he’s not entering the race for President, New Jersey Chris Christie is the latest hope for many in the GOP. It’s all become like watching a reality TV show titled “Who wants to be a Republican presidential candidate?”
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Sarah Palin called Herman Cain the “flavor of the month.” Last night on the “Tonight Show,” Cain cheerfully proclaimed himself “Haagan-Daas Black Walnut,” saying he has “”substance.” Maybe, but many people’s experience with Haagan-Daas is that it’s rich, looks good, seems like a great idea at first, but then after finishing it you think, “Ugh, why did I do that?”
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Buckeye jokes, college football jokes, football jokes, Ohio State jokes, OSU jokes, Presidential primary jokes, Stanford football jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
October 1, 2011
After 162 games, the MLB playoffs finally started Friday for the eight teams who survived into the postseason. “Eight teams left?”, commented NBA and NHL fans. “So aren’t we in the second or third round by now.”
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Apparently the weather was nice all day Friday in New York, but started pouring about 915p. Had the first Tigers-Yankees playoff game only been scheduled for a reasonable 715p instead of 845p for television, they could have gotten most of the game in before the storm hit.
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Open note to SF Giants’ GM Brian Sabean and manager Bruce Bochy about playing all those “playoff experienced veterans” down the stretch. The Tampa Bay Rays’ Matt Moore made his second major league start EVER Friday, and his third total appearance.
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And yeah, it’s early days yet. But someone apparently forgot to tell the Tampa Bay Rays they have no business being in the postseason.
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Someone had to take the fall for the Red Sox, and it looks like it’s Terry Francona. Well, Grady Little lost his job for leaving Pedro Martinez in too long. Francona apparently left his whole starting lineup and rotation in too long.
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As the MLB playoffs began Friday, many Tampa Bay Rays fans are still kicking themselves that they turned off the Wednesday’s last regular season game after the 7th inning. And many Boston Red Sox fans are kicking themselves that they didn’t.
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Manny Ramirez was formally charged with domestic violence stemming from an arrest in September when he allegedly slapped his wife in the face. In Manny’s defense he is claiming it was “just that time of month.”
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A hiker collapsed and died just before completing the Appalachian Trail. “What a shame it wasn’t my ex-husband when he was ‘hiking'”, thought Jenny Sanford.
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Herman Cain was on “the Tonight Show with Jay Leno” Friday. A few quotes, Rick Perry is a “good governor”, Newt Gingrich is “brilliant” and Michele Bachmann is “very nice.” And Mitt Romney – “nice hair.” So much for Cain’s chances of getting Donald Trump’s endorsement.
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Florida legislators ignored GOP rules and confirmed that they will hold the state’s presidential primary on Jan. 31, 2012. Well, Florida doesn’t have a record of smart political behavior. Rumor has it some legislators were pushing for Feb 31.
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Bank of America just announced a $5 monthy debit card fee. And now their homepage and online banking service experienced serious problems all day Friday. Millions of Americans wonder if hackers were involved, and if so, how they can thank them.
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Hard feelings? Just a little. Former Maryland coach Ralph Friedgen was fired last year just before the Terrapins’ bowl game. And Friday, Friedgen, who is a also Maryland alum, told a Baltimore radio station that he has burned his degree.
Responded more than a few SEC athletic directors “What’s a degree?”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bank of America jokes, Florida jokes, MLB playoff jokes, Red Sox jokes, SEC jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
September 30, 2011
It’s Friday morning. And Generalissimo Francisco Franco, the Atlanta Braves, and the Boston Red Sox are still dead.
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Boston Red Sox GM Theo Epstein allegedly called SF Giants management this morning – “Nothing personal guys, but we think it’s time for you to hand over that ‘Torture’ slogan.”
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All the sports talk now is about the Boston Red Sox historic collapse last night. To which the Atlanta Braves commented “Who are we, flattened chopped liver?” (Or as my friend Michael Duca says “Chopped Tomahawks.)
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Rumor has it Curt Schilling wanted to go on air to defend his former Red Sox teammates. But with the mood in Boston this morning, apparently the team’s official response was “Oh, put a bloody sock in it”
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What a shock. LSU’s Jordan Jefferson had his battery charges stemming from a bar fight reduced to a misdemeanor. (Jefferson was only accused of kicking another man repeatedly while he was down on the ground.) And LSU coach Les Miles lifted his star QB’s suspension.
Prediction, the trial date will be set for January, after Jefferson leads the team to a BCS bowl.
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And so, Friday is the first day of the MLB playoffs. The Tigers’ Justin Verlander faces the Yankees at 837p EST on TBS. And for your pregame entertainment, TBS will also be showing the Rangers-Rays at 507p.
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Many are wondering if it was God’s will that the Rays and Cardinals ended up in the playoffs. And God has allegedly replied “Don’t pin this on me, I’m still trying to replace Peyton Manning on my fantasy football teams.”
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True bus to hell joke from my friend Marc Ragovin: Boston hasn’t seen so much choking since Albert DeSalvo. (Note to anyone under 40 who likes really sick jokes and is thinking “What?”, Google the name.)
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Congrats to the Golden State Warriors have hired Rick Welts, the first openly gay basketball executive, as their team president. To paraphrase Barry Goldwater’s statement about the military, it apparently now doesn’t matter if you’re gay or straight, if you can put together a team that can shoot straight.
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SEC commissioner Mike Slive has asked the BCS to lift the rule saying that a maximum of two teams from a single conference can play in the five major bowl games. Why doesn’t Slive say what he really wants – for the BCS to say “It’s the SEC’s world, we just live in it.”
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A quote from the master: Jon Stewart last night arguing taxes with Bill O’Reilly. “I’m not saying we should shoot (the rich) but we shouldn’t act like returning to the tax rates of the Nineties is class warfare on par with Lenin and Marx.
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Bank of America recently cut 30,000 jobs, today they announced a new monthly $5 fee for debit cards. If corporations really are people they are making a lot of folks’ in-laws look pretty good.
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Bank of America once used the slogan “Bank of Opportunity.” Now they are thinking of changing it to “Because we can.”
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After Jon Huntssman said he had no plans to seek Trump’s endorsement, the Donald tweeted that Huntsman “has zero chance of getting the nomination. Whoever said I wanted to meet him? Time is money and I don’t waste mine.” Especially when Trump has more pressing priorities, like his hair.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bank of America jokes, Braves collapse jokes, playoffs jokes, Rays jokes, red sox collapse jokes, Red Sox jokes
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September 29, 2011
But first, want to wish all my Jewish friends “Happy New Year.” And want to wish my Red Sox and Braves fan friends “Happy Next Year.”
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Back to the silver lining – fans don’t have to stress about the Red Sox and Braves stumbling in the postseason again.
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And in Boston, at least the Patriots can rest easy. Their blowing a 21-0 lead in the fourth quarter last Sunday will now never be the most talked about sports collapse in town.
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Forget Eva, in Tampa Wednesday night heterosexual men would kiss EVAN Longoria
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Karma, especially where the big bucks are concerned, can be an impressive bitch. To that end, wonder if Carl Crawford is thinking “Maybe I should have considered that offer to stay with the Rays?”
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An Atlanta player who was queried about the Braves’ September collapse (9-19 and five losses in a row to end the season), mentioned their strong start, and said he wished the team could have just “flip-flopped the months.” Uh, I know a math degree is not required to play baseball, but if Atlanta did “flip-flop the months”, they’d have still ended up one game short.
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The Braves lost five in a row to end the season. Was this the worst week in Atlanta history not involving Sherman?
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After a momumental choke job by the Braves, the St. Louis Cardinals won the NL wild card. For SF fans, who now know that even a mediocre performance in August, or a good performance in September would have put the Giants into the playoffs, it just confirms “of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these, it might have been.”
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Sarah Palin referred to Herman Cain as “the flavor of the week.” Then she referred to him as “Herb Cain.” What’s next, she’s going to claim he’s really a San Franciscan?
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Jose Reyes got a bunt hit in his first at-bat at Citi Field to raise his average to .337, and was promptly pulled by Mets manager Terry Collins (apparently at Reyes’ own request) to preserve his lead for the batting crown. Ted Williams must be spinning in his freezer.
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But really, a bunt hit in a meaningless game against the Reds, and then taking the afternoon off? Shouldn’t this year’s highest batting average also have an asterisk?
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Redemption for hopeless optimists. Think of the tens of thousands of Rays fans who walked out of Tropicana Field tonight in disgust when their team was down 7-0.
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A seven run comeback starting in the eighth? Angry Red Sox fans want John Sayles to consider making a second movie about the Yankees collapse tonight – titled “Eight relief pitchers out.”
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Florida owner Jeffrey Loria introduced new manager Ozzie Guillen today and saying “Welcome to a new era in Marlins baseball.” Actually, since it’s Ozzie, wouldn’t it have been more appropriate if Loria said “Welcome to a new #%$!#ing era in Marlins baseball?”
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ESPN was nonstop coverage Wednesday of the Boston collapse and Tampa Bay win over New York. Almost no mention of the dramatic finish for the NL Wild Card. Gosh, you’d almost think there were no other teams in baseball except the Red Sox and Yankees.
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Michael Vick says it is “100 percent” that he’ll play this weekend against the SF 49ers. Well, at this point guess Vick doesn’t want to be accused of dogging it.
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David Stern is now threatening to cancel the whole NBA regular season. Promise? (And really, does that mean all the teams can just start by being in the playoffs? Most of them get in now anyway.)
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Florida now plans to move their presidential primary on January 31, 2012, which is upsetting GOP party leaders as it will wreak havok with their nominating calendar. Well, at least it’s a nice change to see Florida causing trouble for Republicans.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Atlanta jokes, Braves choke jokes, Braves jokes, Mets jokes, Ozzie Gullen jokes, Red Sox choke jokes, Red Sox jokes
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Left Coast Sports Babe 