Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ category
August 27, 2015
A new study found that Washington, D.C. has the worst traffic in the entire U.S. Wonder if that counts the gridlock inside the Capitol building?
–
Facebook on Monday had one billion users in a single day. Wow. That’s means at least 500 million cat pictures.
–
In Texas, the Health and Human Services Commission announced they are going ahead with $100 million in cuts to a therapy program for poor and disabled children. Three words: Pro-life my ass.
More on the Texas upcoming $100 million cut to a therapy program for poor and disabled children. Do they figure at least these kids will grow up in into adults with the right to be armed?
–
In the Little League World Series, California scored 3 runs in the top of the 1st, Texas had a grand slam in the bottom of the inning. And every current and former Little League parent just sighs, nods, and thinks “out of pitching.” #thosewerethedays
–
So I think I’ve figured it out; the way for the #SFGiants to beat the #ChicagoCubs was to put half their team on the disabled list.
–
Okay, how adorable is SF Giants rookie Kelby Tomlinson? The kid looks like he could play a teenage Clark Kent. Got his 1st MLB home run and it was a grand slam: “It was pretty crazy. Everybody got up and started clapping for me. I’d never experienced anything like that. It’s pretty special.”
–
Madison Bumgarner, 6 innings, 1 ER, 12Ks. Oh yeah, and one infield hit. Guess which he’s going to want to talk about? #SFGiants
–
United Airlines sent out an email to its Mileage Plus members. 50,000 bonus miles when you purchase or lease a new Mercedes S-class sedan. Uh, thinking if you can afford a Mercedes, you can probably afford not to care about frequent flier miles.
–
Steelers WR Martavis Bryant has been suspended 4 games by the NFL for violating the league’s substance abuse policy. And Pittsburgh fans are thinking “Well, at least he didn’t rape anyone or kill any dogs.
–
Going back to August 14, the Cincinnati Reds have won exactly ONE game, and that an August 24 make-up game from a rain out against Detroit. 1-12. If they’re going to give up on the season maybe they should offer ticket holders their money back?
–
From Marc Ragovin: “I’m not saying the Phillies are bad, but when they took the field in the top of the first the other day, Manager Pete Mackanin immediately called for a challenge.”
–
An appeal hearing for Marshawn Lynch over his $75,000 fine for not talking to the media in 2014 has apparently been canceled, What, did Lynch figure out the hearing would actually require talking?
–
Two women on a JetBlue flight from Jamaica to JFK were arrested after they got into a brawl upon landing involving a razor and pepper spray. So these gals got both a razor and pepper spray on the plane. But I’ll bet security confiscated plenty of bottled water.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Cincinnati Red jokes, Congress jokes, facebook jokes, GOP jokes, gun control, gun jokes, Janice Hough, SFGiants jokes, Texas jokes, United jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
August 26, 2015
Seriously, it is getting REALLY old in this country when the response is “Did you hear about the mass shooting? And the response is “Which one?”
–
Can we make a deal here with some of the Presidential candidates? We will considering tweaking the 14th Amendment if they will consider tweaking the 2nd.
–
The man who shot and killed a Virginia news crew on air has died of his self-inflicted gunshot injuries. Once again, why can’t these a**holes who plan a murder-suicide reverse the order?
–
#JoshDuggar has announced he has checked into rehab. So congrats to all those who had August 26 in the pool.
–
Bruce Springsteen’s “Born to Run” is now celebrating its 40th anniversary. So now they’re riding “through the mansions of glory in suicide machines” with their left blinker on.
–
The musical “Rent:” will return to New York City this fall for it’s 20th anniversary. Not sure of ticket prices but still might be the only Rent most young people in NY can now afford.
–
The Steelers have signed Michael Vick as a backup QB to Ben Rothlisberger. Wow. Dog killing and alleged rape. Where’s a good NFL bounty program when you really need one?
–
#USC coach #SteveSarkisian has banned parents from practice. What, is he afraid they will make him wash his mouth out with soap?
–
President Obama will be in New Orleans tomorrow, near the anniversary of Katrina. Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal – “I understand that your emphasis in New Orleans will – rightly – be an economic development, the temptation to stray into climate change politics should be resisted.”
Right, because no one in the city cares about weather.
–
Junior Gallette, released by the New Orleans Saints after two alleged domestic violence incidents, and signed by Washington, has apparently torn his Achilles tendon. Sometimes Roger Goodell has nothing on that mean bitch, karma.
–
Some stories almost don’t need a punchline. The NYPD is looking for officers to volunteer for their “newly formed Times Square unit,” in large part because of the increasing numbers of topless women there. Chief James O’Neil – “Times Square is an important piece of real estate in New York City. We have to pay attention to what goes on there.”
Hope the number of volunteers didn’t crash the NYPD server.
–
When ball hit straight in air up falls between home & pitcher’s mound for 2B hit time for #MLB to introduce a “team error” #SFGiants #Cubs
–
Meanwhile, SF Giants have starting shortstop (Crawford), second baseman (Panik)) both centerfielder (Pagan-Blanco) and right fielder(Pence) injured. The Chicago Cubs have been batting their pitcher 8th. With Madison Bumgarner pitching tomorrow have to figure he should bat at least 5th.
–
So Wednesday in Santa Clara SF 49ers LB Ahmad Brooks was charged with misdemeanor sexual battery at the same time Ray McDonald was indicted for rape. Since 2012, the Niners now have had 7 players with a NFL-high total of 12 arrests. Well, at least they lead the league in something.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, gun control, Janice Hough, New Orleans, NFL jokes, NYPD jokes, topless women times square jokes, USC jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
August 26, 2015
Now Fox News chair & CEO Roger Ailes is blasting Trump for his “surprise and unprovoked attack on Megyn Kelly.”
Oh, this awful Republican on Republican violence..
–
Donald Trump is attacking Megyn Kelly AGAIN on Twitter, saying she is “really off her game” after her vacation, and he liked “The Kelly File much better without @megynkelly. Perhaps she could take another eleven day unscheduled vacation! ”
Are we sure the Donald hasn’t confused Kelly with one of his ex-wives?
–
Benches cleared tonight in New York when the Astros’ Carlos Gomez told the Yankees’ dugout to”shut up,” Not sure how Houston might do in the post season, but Gomez might be on his way to becoming most Americans’ favorite player.
–
Sad to say but with all the expensive contracts the Dodgers picked up at the trade deadline the Giants’ would have probably been better off if they had somehow worked out a deal with LA for Matt Cain.
–
Detroit Lions’ safety, Glover Quin, when asked about the Packers’ Jordy Nelson’s season-ending injury, included in his answer “God had meant for Jordy to be hurt.”
And somewhere God is thinking “How ridiculous. As if I care about football until after the World Series.”
–
USC coach Steve Sarkasian said he had mixed alcohol and medications before his profane rant at last week’s “Salute to Troy.”
Sarkisian said he didn’t have a drinking problem but that through AD Pat Haden and “through the university, I’m going to find that out. I’m going to go to treatment. I’m going to deal with it.” Translation, it was go into treatment or be fired.
–
So ESPN’s Curt Schilling is apologizing today for a tweet he sent out this morning (and then deleted) with a meme that compared Muslims to Nazis.
Only person at the network who has to be happy about this is Cris Carter.
–
Meanwhile, here’s a thought on how to reduce injuries at MLB parks: If you want to pay more attention to your phone or your friends than the game, don’t buy seats near the field.
–
So I think I’ve got the GOP talking points straight: The more than doubling of the stock market since President Obama took office is something that had nothing to do with him, but the recent drops are all his fault….
–
South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley and Kansas Governor Sam Brownback wrote a letter to the Obama administration threatening to sue if detainees from Guantanamo Bay, are brought to military installations in their states.
Then they no doubt lambasted the President for not making good on his promise to close Guantanamo down.
–
Donald Trump says he is “never eating Oreos again” after the company announced it’s moving a factory to Mexico.
Hands up for all those who think Trump has ever eaten an Oreo in his adult life.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Curt Schilling jokes, ESPN jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, sarkasian jokes, Trump jokes, USC jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
August 23, 2015
Apparently at Saturday night’s “Salute to Troy” event for USC alums and donors, football coach Steve Sarkisian was drunk, and used “inappropriate” language, including dropping the F-bomb saying of other Pac-12 teams – “they all suck.”
Sarkisan has apologized, but presume he’s also been offered honorary membership in most of USC’s frats.
–
From the apology “Pat Haden (USC athletic director) talked to me after the event about my actions and I assured him this will not happen again.” Probably more like Haden saying “this WILL not happen again.”
–
The latest high-profile Ashley Madison client to be outed is Jeff Ashton, the Florida state attorney who prosecuted Carey Anthony. Ashton claims he was just “curious” and never went through with an affair. His biography mentions three children, a wife, and “four adult children from previous marriages. (plural.)
So this is the kind of traditional marriage some are trying so hard to protect?
–
While relief pitchers are sometimes referred to as “firemen,” the #Dodgers relievers are making a strong push to be collectively known as “arsonists.”
–
In Ohio a new bill would ban abortions done because pre-natal tests show Down syndrome. And of course the bill would provide life time healthcare benefits to babies born with Down syndrome… Oops. Never mind. #notthatprolife
–
The Atlanta Braves are leaving Turner Field in 2017. Braves fans are hoping they leave the current team behind too.
–
Amazing how the New England Patriots never had a problem with Roger Goodell’s discipline before this year. I’m sure it’s just coincidence.
–
Sure looked like Terrell Suggs was trying to re-injure Sam Bradford’s knee last night. So the Ravens LB already seems to be in mid-season form. #dirty
–
The National Zoo says Chinese panda Mei Xiang has had twins. How long until Donald Trump refers to them as “anchor cubs?”
–
Donald Trump, a little light on specifics on how he’s going to manage to deport millions of immigrants. “It’s called management.”
Sure, because if there’s one thing that unites working people in this country it’s such a strong respect for “management.” #SMH
–
Carly Fiorina, on Meet the Press “The only people who ask me about Donald Trump are the media. I think the media’s kind of obsessed with Donald Trump honestly, and I think Donald Trump is using the media.”
With all due respect, is anybody but the media asking Fiorina anything?
–
Shirtless men and women marched in Manhattan Sunday in the “GoTopless Pride Parade” to protest potential regulations against tip-seeking women in Times Square. Clearly they feel they should have more than the right to bare arms.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Ashley madison jokes, Braves jokes, Dodgers jokes, NFL jokes, Trump jokes, USC jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
August 22, 2015
Forget armed security guards. Maybe we just need to offer free train travel at all times to off-duty U.S. military members. #Seriously
–
Well, at least Ted Cruz is consistent. He joked about Joe Biden a few days after his son Beau died, and attacked Jimmy Carter’s administration as “failed,” “feckless” and “naive” yesterday. Part of Cruz’s #noshredofhumandecencyleftbehind policy.
Wasn’t that long ago when Matt Cain threw a perfect game against Houston & some sniffed “Well, it’s only the #Astros.” Go Stros! #BeatLA
–
If Donald Trump REALLY cared about illegal immigration as opposed to just getting attention, why doesn’t he start a crackdown to find and fire undocumented workers at his hotels and construction sites? He’s as much of a hypocrite on the subject as the Duggars are about sex.
–
Donald Trump got 30,000 people to show up at a football stadium in Alabama for a speech. And they said it couldn’t be done – a whiter crowd than NASCAR.
–
A woman was taken to the hospital after being hit in the head by a foul ball yesterday at Comerica Field She is reportedly “alert and conscious.” Justin Verlander later took to Twitter to tell MLB to put up protective netting around the field “@MLB should make changes before it’s too late.”
But people get in accidents driving to the field too, and some number of them probably have heart attacks after eating ballpark food. Maybe we should just tell the fans not to come? #fanslovecatchingballs
–
Adrian Peterson tonight. “I’m the LeBron” of NFL. And James is thinking, well, I CAN beat that with a stick.
–
In Petaluma, California, police say a couple used a stolen credit card to purchase 15 $1,000 gift cards at Target. So they got away with it because $16,000 worth of gift cards would have been suspicious?
–
After the sheriff’s office posted his name as one of their most-wanted, a 21-year-old man, Logan Hale, started taunting them on Facebook with a “Finally Free” screen name, and posts like “Hello, Here I am.” and “deputies continue to look for me but are frustrated that I am unable to be located.”
–
Apparently Hale should have spent less time posting and more time hiding. They caught him after less than a week. And you guessed it, Florida.
–
A high school football game in South Bend was called with 2.54 remaining in the first half following a brawl which required police intervention. So do all these kids aspire to play for the Fighting Irish?
–
So no one lives forever, but isn’t it lovely to think that Jimmy Carter has a chance of outliving the guinea worm. #bestexpresidentever
(a link for the uninitiated – http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3207538/Jimmy-Carter-wants-Guinea-worm-disease-eradicated-death.html)
–
‘From T.C. Jameis Winston says he has a photographic memory: “Guess it ran out of film the day the QB forgot to pay for his crab legs and was arrested for shoplifting.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, baseball jokes, Janice Hough, Ted Cruz jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
August 21, 2015
And the first nomination for the best creative excuse for an Ashley Madison account goes to Jason Dore, who is the GOP Executive Director in Louisiana. He told a New Orleans paper he created this account to do “opposition research.”
–
“#Madbum to #MarlonByrd. “Welcome to San Francisco, just don’t get any ideas about being the #1 power hitter in the clubhouse #SFGiants
–
The oldest ever message in a bottle, tossed into the water in the early 1900s, has finally washed up on a German Island. Along with the message the bottle contained a Jamie Moyer rookie card.
–
Chase Utley, Starlin Castro, Yadier Molina.. three of a long list of MLB players this year who have fewer home runs than Madison Bumgarner. (#Madbum tonight hit his 5th.)
–
So for all the expensive contracts the LA Dodgers picked up in trade this season, apparently one they missed for was for a guy making the $512.500 MLB minimum – Mike Fiers. #nohitter
–
Megan Fox has filed for divorce. Women think – “that’s sad.” Men think – “she’s available!”
–
Increasing controversy over the topless painted women in Times Square. Not sure what will happen in the long term. But short term… guessing a lot more visitors to Times Square.
–
North Korea says “We’re in a ‘quasi-state of war’ .” Makes sense, North Korea is kind of a “quasi-state.”
Oops, Netflix announced that workers were going to get up to a year of paid maternity-paternity leave. Now it comes out that the 450 employees in their DVD division are excluded. Shocking. Netflix still HAS a DVD division?!
–
And airlines wonder why we don’t trust them. A 11ami flight from SF to Honolulu is over an hour late today because of a “late arriving aircraft.” Fair enough. Except that late flight, from Chicago, was DUE to arrive at SFO at 1134am.
United couldn’t just say, “we swapped planes because something broke or we needed a plane elsewhere?” Nah, that would be too straightforward.
–
Former USC QB Ricky Town, who has chosen to transfer to Arkansas, told ESPN he left in part because of the Trojans’ “offensive system.” Probably more precisely because he wasn’t a part of it.
–
Bill Littlejohn, regarding Bengals DB Pacman Jones saying he’d have $100 million if not for suspensions: “He’d have $200 million if not for strip clubs.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, Ashley madison jokes, Dodgers jokes, Janice Hough, times square jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
August 20, 2015
Three of the top 20 cities in the world with the most Ashley Madison accounts are in Texas, (Houston, San Antonio and Dallas.) Well, this could get interesting. As most of their spouses are likely to be armed.
–
Investigators are recommending filing manslaughter charges against Caitlyn Jenner for that fatal car crash in February. Her defense no doubt – “I’m a changed person now.”
–
The Pentagon is looking for sites in U.S. to place Gitmo detainees. I guess Florida would be cruel and unusual punishment?
–
Jimmy Carter announced he will undergo radiation treatment after cancer spots were found on his brain, but he is optimistic will extend his life. Carter didn’t have the option some other politicians do, which is to tell doctors to remove their brain because they aren’t using it.
–
Apparently tens of thousands of Ashley Madison accounts are .gov addresses. Who knew so many government workers were capable of multitasking?
–
Josh Duggar: “I have been the biggest hypocrite ever. While espousing faith and family values, I have secretly over the last several years been viewing pornography on the internet and this became a secret addiction and I became unfaithful to my wife.”
A hypocrite yes. Biggest ever? Once again Josh is guilty of extreme narcissism. #hesgotsomecompetitioninWashington
=
Josh Duggar posted an open apology online and then edited it to take out mention of a porn addiction and his apology for molesting girls as a teenager. Guess Josh REALLY hasn’t learned yet, what’s on the internet stays FOREVER on the internet.
–
A federal appeals court ruled that former Virginia governor Bob McDonnell must report to prison while he asks the U.S. Supreme Court to reverse his convictions. And McDonnell is thinking “Damn, I should have run for office in Louisiana.”
–
As Jared Fogle awaits sentencing for his child porn plea bargain he been banned from computers with internet, must stay away from children, and is not allowed to own a gun. Waiting for the NRA to protest over that last one.
–
Aaron Hernandez has been involved in another prison fight. Forget whether the former Patriots star will ever get out of jail or not, the bus to hell question of the night is, “so would he be a good pick for a 2016 death lotto?”
–
New Red Sox GM “Dave Dombrowski – “I’m not here to blow up the operation.” And Boston fans are thinking “Hasn’t the current team accomplished that already?”
–
RGIII looked overwhelmed today and ended up with a concussion. But sports and politics often have a lot in common – as in do we really expect any better from any much touted young man who goes to Washington?.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Ashley madison jokes, Dodgers jokes, Duggar jokes, Duggars jokes, GOP jokes, Janice Hough, Texas jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
August 19, 2015
My best startup idea of the month. (If only I could code) : A company that can fabricate “proof’ of identify theft that resulted in a hacker signing up under your name at Ashley Madison.
–
So the first big name in the Ashley Madison breach is….. Josh Duggar?! Karma is not only a mean bitch, she apparently really doesn’t like hypocrites.
–
Mike Huckabee, May 22, “No one needs to defend Josh’s actions as a teenager, but the fact that he confessed his sins to those he harmed, sought help, and has gone forward to live a responsible and circumspect life as an adult is testament to his family’s authenticity and humility.”
Any fellow bus-to-hell riders looking forward to Huckabee’s next statement on the Duggars?
–
In Oklahoma, a member of a self-appointed group of men guarding a “Muslim-free” gun shop and range accidentally shot himself in the arm Tuesday. Once again Darwin is thinking “missed it by THAT much.”
—
As the Dodgers’ payroll continues to sky rocket this season, have to wonder, does ownership have enough money in reserve to give all the players participation trophies?
–
–
And with Utley, who has a $15 million contract, the Dodgers will pay about $2 million just to rent him for six weeks.. Even the Yankees are thinking “Jeez, show a little financial restraint.”
–
–
In Florida, authorities say a large sinkhole that swallowed a man in 2013 has reopened. Can we send George Zimmerman to investigate?
–
A Massachusetts employee of Wild Oaks Markets, a smaller Whole Foods competitor, is charged with calling in a fake bomb threat so she could leave work early. A bomb threat?! Was that really necessary? At these places she might have been able to close down the store by alleging something like an excess of gluten.
–
New York City mayor Bill De Blasio says that topless Times Square performers need to go. Some of the mayor’s opponents will no doubt say it’s because De Blasio doesn’t want any competition as the biggest boob in New York.
–
Finally, actual practical advice instead of a joke: Took me too long to learn this, but when you get a really stupid airline, hotel, or other customer service representative on the phone, better not to argue with them, simply say “sorry, I have to take this other call” and hang up.
–
In the “cheer up, it could be worse” department; a few months ago executives at Subway figured their worst problem was declining sales because of decreased customer satisfaction with their food.
–
Police were called to a Niagara Falls hotel yesterday morning when a baby ended up locked in the hotel safe. The baby was freed and was “alert and crying.” Maybe that’s the last time the family takes advantage of a discounted babysitting offer?
–
From Gary M. after I made fun of worries about Madison Bumgarner getting hurt pinch hitting “As long as he doesn’t wash Jeff Kent’s truck, he should be OK.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Ashley madison jokes, ashleymadison jokes, deBlasio jokes, Dodgers jokes, Duggar jokes, Florida jokes, Janice Hough
Comments: Be the first to comment
August 18, 2015
So Donald Trump’s latest complaint is about H-1B visas, which he claims result in foreigners taking jobs away from minorities and women. Kind of a ballsy statement from someone who couldn’t find someone American-born for two of his three marriages.
–
Yes, Donald Trump seems to be doing well But not a single GOP primary vote has been cast. So all of this circus is basically based on a relatively small number of people who don’t feel like hanging up on pollsters?
–
The SF 49ers will lower beer prices from $10.25 to $10 this year, largely to save the time required for workers to dispense change in quarters. And then no doubt next year they will raise the price to at least $12.
The FDA has approved the world’s first pill to boost women’s libido. Is it covered in diamonds?
–
Apparently hackers have posted stolen data from #AshleyMadison. Wonder what the objective of their plan was? #nodivorcelawyerleftbehind?
–
So with the release of the Ashley Madison data, is it too soon to start a pool on the over-under of politicians who may suddenly resign to spend time with their families?
–
SF Giants have a number of pitchers on the DL, plus starting CF Pagan, LF Aoki, and 2nd baseman Panik. Now Hunter Pence is going on the DL for a strained oblique.
The team recently did a promo spoofing Full House. Maybe the House they should have been referencing was Gregory.
#Madbum for #SFGIants DH. That is all.
(he pinch hit in the 7th, got a single, scored the Giants 2nd run in a 2-0 games. After apparently blowing the opposing pitcher’s mind.)
–
Give me a break, commentators talking about the injury risk Bruce Bochy shouldn’t have taken by letting Madison Bumgarner pinch hit. Uh, as we have seen, pitchers get hurt throwing, fielding, falling down steps, falling out of bed, getting sandwiches, etc….
–
49ers wide receiver Jerome Simpson’s has now been suspended six game for violating the league’s substance abuse policy, his third suspension since 2012. It’s all part of the NFL’s “10 strikes and you’re out policy.”
–
Tom Brady will attend a second hearing on his suspension. If he can’t get the number of games reduced the Patriots QB is at least hoping for a better sketch?
–
Oops, now Brady will not attended the hearings in New York after talks stalled between him and the NFL. Both sides are reportedly feeling a bit deflated.
–
George Zimmerman is selling $50 prints of a Confederate flag painting he did at ‘Muslim free’ gun store in Florida. Where’s a hunting dentist when you really need one?
–
The mayor of Venice, Italy, ban children’s books featuring gay couples from local schools, sparking a social media war with Elton John, who called him “boorishly bigoted. The mayor has retweeted messages from supporters attacking Elton, like “we’re protecting our children from people like you.”
Well, I sure hope these protective parents make sure their kids NEVER see the “Lion King.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #AshleyMadison, 49ers jokes, Ashley madison jokes, Female viagra, Janice Hough, madison bumgarner jokes, SFGiants jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
August 17, 2015
Robert Griffin III just said, “I feel like I’m the best quarterback in the league, and I have to go out and show that.” With all due respect, RGIII first needs to show he’s the best QB on the Redskins.
–
New description of the GOP primary, as most of the candidates, including Carly Fiorina, seem to be trying to out macho each other – “Running of the Bullsh*t.”
–
KFC is switching the actor playing Colonel Sanders from SNL alum Darrell Hammond to SNL alum Norm Macdonald. Uh, just my opinion, it’s not the actor that’s the problem. #ColonelSandersandGeneralissmoFrancisoFrancoarestilldead
–
Jon Stewart will apparently be the host of Sunday’s WWE SummerSlam. If this goes well, maybe Stewart take on some REAL spectacle fighting, like one of the Presidential debates.
–
United Airlines is going to change their United Club policy next year so that passengers can only enter with same-day boarding passes. Wonderful news for all those who have meetings with colleagues who have taken red-eye flights and will no longer be able to shower on arrival.
–
Even if it makes it harder to build a potential new stadium, Washington Redskins president Bruce Allen said that the team will not change its name. Many are wondering, could they at least take “Washington” off?
–
Todd Courser, the Michigan lawmaker who faked allegations of gay sex with a prostitute to cover up an affair with colleague, has posted a nearly 2000 word scripture-filled statement on his FB page.
And he talks about how men have come forward to confess their own “failures in fidelity” to him, adding ‘several have come forward to share their pain for participating in/and addicted to pornography and what that has wrought in themselves and their families. And finally a couple have come forward to express their guilt and shame for being faith filled but struggling with how to reconcile that with having homosexual tendencies and trying to reconcile that with their faith”
At this point even God somewhere is thinking “Just STFU.”
–
Christine Ouzounian, the ex-nanny whose rumored affair with Ben Affleck reportedly was the final straw in his marriage to Jennifer Garner , apparently is interested in becoming the next “Bachelorette.” Is her goal to prove a woman can end up as universally disliked as Juan Pablo. #itsokay
–
Greg Oden, the 2007 #1 NBA draft pick, has signed with the Jiangsu Dragons of Chinese league. Could be a good fit. The Chinese are taught to respect their elders.
–
MadisonBumgarner at the plate at AT&T Park in 2014-15. .304 batting average, .714 slugging percentage, 7 home runs. #DHmyass #SFGiants
–
My friend Scott Russell forwarded me this from Boston: Pablo Sandoval sat out Sunday’s game with a sore elbow after he was hit by a pitch Saturday. Acting Red Sox manager Torey Lovullo: “He’s such a finely tuned athete. Those are the types of bodies we’re dealing with here. When something is a little off, we’re making sure he takes his time to get it OK before he gets back in there.”
And Lovullo said it with a straight face.
–
Tennis champ Novak Djokovic won the Montreal Masters despite complaining to the umpire “Someone is smoking weed, I can smell it, I’m getting dizzy.” Well, as great a player as Djokovic is, he has never been at his very best on grass.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: airline joke, GOP debate joke, Janice Hough, Jon Stewart jokes, KFC jokes, RGIII jokes, Todd Courser jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
August 16, 2015
Biggest problem right now for SF Giants manager with Madison Bumgarner? Getting his ace left hander to shut up about possibly pinch hitting.
–
Yeah, so Zack Greinke pitched 7 innings of 1 run baseball w/ home run. Madison Bumgarner just called & raised him. Shutout, home run & RBI double.
–
So Madison Bumgarner’s worst outing of the year was in Washington, D.C., July 4, when he allowed six runs in five innings against the Nats. Think Madbum was just a bit p*ssed off when he took the mound today?
–
Madison Bumgarner has four home runs for the year. And in the SF Giants broadcast booth Duane Kuiper is trying not to cry.
(for non baseball fans. Kuiper had a 12 year career in MLB – one home run. Total.)
–
Costumed characters hustling for tips in Times Square have become a New York tradition. The newest trend, near-naked women wearing only thongs and red, white and blue body paint. Wonder how many fathers are volunteering to do reconnaissance missions to make sure the area hasn’t become too inappropriate for children
–
Oscar Pistorius will be released from jail this week after serving 10 months for killing his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp. Even Los Angeles juries are thinking he got off easy.
–
Tim Tebow is back. But don’t laugh. At this point he’s still a more realistic potential NFL quarterback than Donald Trump is a realistic potential President.
–
So Trump is going to pay for a border wall by taxing all Mexican visitors to the U.S.? And what exactly is he going to do with all those crazies from Canada, eh?
–
Freshman QB Ricky Town. who had verbally committed to Alabama but decided to go to USC after the Trojans hired Steve Sarkisian, is transferring to another school. Apparently ,while highly touted, Town didn’t turn out to be the best freshman QB in spring camp.
So Karma is either a Crimson Tide fan, or just in mean bitch mode.
–
The Cubs lost today. But before the game Chicago manager Joe Maddon said he wasn’t changing his socks during the team’s 9 game win streak. Maybe the superstition helped. But at least it probably assured Maddon had a row to himself on the team plane
–
How often does a golfer go -17 for a major tournament and end up in 2nd place? #JordanSpieth #JasonDay #PGA
–
Donald Trump said that illegal immigrants in this country “have to go.” Wait…. does Trump have a visa for that furry thing that lives on his head?
–
Brewers manager Craig Counsell and players told a Milwaukee paper that if now openly gay David Denson, now playing for the team’s rookie league, makes it to the big leagues, he will be welcome.
Bringing to mind the great quote from Willie Mays, who when asked a few years ago if a gay player would be welcome in a major league clubhouse, simply responded “Can he hit?”
–
San Diego gave QB Philip Rivers a $65 million guaranteed contract. The Chargers are throwing money around like they’re a Los Angeles team already.
–
–
Mike Huckabee says he supports Paraguay’s decision to deny a 10 year old rape victim an abortion. “Let’s not compound a tragedy by taking yet another life.” And of course that poor girl should have government assistance and health care including mental health care so her own life isn’t ruined…. Oh wait, government dependency should end at birth.
I believe the British have the correct term here – “f*ckwit.”
–
From T.C “The Guinness Book of World Records is reporting that the world’s oldest cat is age 26, named Corduroy and lives in Sisters, Oregon. Skeptics call BS, and say it’s all just a ploy to get a dentist out of hiding.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Los Angeles jokes, madison bumgarner jokes, SF Giants jokes, Tebow jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
August 15, 2015
If you ever doubted that even those who are really good at their jobs can have a bad day at work, I give you this pitching line: 2.1 innings, 12 hits, 10 earned runs.-
the stats are Saturday’s from Seattle’s Felix Hernandez.
–
Oops. A New York thief got the idea to sneak under the electronic security gate as the owner was closing a liquor store. He got a couple thousand dollars, some booze, and locked in until cops showed up as the door didn’t open from the inside.#cantfixstupid
–
The Yankees-Blue Jays have 9 more meetings down the stretch. But who expected the winner of the AL East might be decided by which one of them is lucky enough to have more games against the Red Sox.
–
A Missouri couple brought a boa constrictor into a restaurant and claimed it was a service animal. Although the law is very clear, service animals can be dogs only. Bad news for some Floridians with service gators?
–
Donald Trump arrived today at the Iowa State Fair. Brave of him. You never know a that fair when someone might try to fry that furry thing that lives on his head and put it on a stick.
–
Trump also says he is willing to spend’ $1 billion on his presidential campaign. Is this all part of Trump’s full employment program – no campaign consultant left behind?
–
In Sunnyvale, California, police shot and killed a man, who was allegedly carrying guns tonight outside a Motel Six. The Motel has been offering nightly rates of $99. Guessing that fewer locals are shocked by the shooting than the fact that in Silicon Valley there are places you can stay for under $100 a night.
–
Saw that Saints RB C.J.Spiller had knee surgery Friday. Then “He is expected to be back for the New Orleans season opener Sept 13. Knee surgery. Less than a month. #thetimestheyareachangin
–
Dan Uggla got his SF Giants World Series ring last night. In four 2014 games, Uggla went 0 for 12 with six strikeouts, a run scored and a walk, plus three errors at second. On the other hand, Uggla made one very big contribution to the Giants; he sucked enough that they gave a chance to Joe Panik.
,
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Florida jokes, Janice Hough, New York jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
August 14, 2015
John Kerry, at a ceremony raising the U.S. flag in Havana. “We remain convinced the people of Cuba would be best served by a genuine democracy,” Great, and if it works out in Cuba, maybe we can aim for that in the USA?
–
Central New Jersey was hit by a 2.7 earthquake this morning. It would, of course, be uncharitable to suggest the quake was caused by Governor Chris Christie rushing to a campaign event.
–
Sources are apparently telling the media that Geno Smith was taunting his now ex-teammate before Enemkpali punched him. “I am shocked,” said no one who follows the Jets. #samecircusdifferentmonkeys
–
Marcus Mariota had an interception and fumble in his first two drives in the NFL pre-season. Is he angling to get traded to the Jets?
–
Summer in New York, when many, including the media, have left the city for at least the weekend. So if Trump speaks and there is no one around to hear him, is he still wrong?
–
A dad is in jail after taking his 16-year old daughter and her 17-year-old friend to a strip club, where apparently they drank, snorted coke and pole-danced. Do I even need to say this happened in Florida?
–
Florida State is implementing a mandatory course in social responsibilities for the school’s student-athletes. Next, will the school figure out how to make attendance any more mandatory than for other student-athlete courses?
–
Boston Red Sox manager John Farrell announced today will take a medical leave because he has Hodgkin’s lymphoma, but that it is “very treatable and curable.” Unlike the play of his team.
(seriously, all best wishes to Farrell. Fortunately they do appear to have caught the cancer at stage 1.)
–
Hillary Clinton has a plan to make college more affordable. Not surprisingly the GOP is against it. Why, the plan might result in more people being able to read.
–
At Cedar Point amusement park in Ohio, a man was killed by a roller coaster after he lost his cellphone on the ride and jumped a fence into a restricted area to retrieve it. New warning signs coming “Don’t text and ride.” #cantfixstupid #butyoucanburystupid
(and the thing that solidifies this guy’s Darwin award, he was a teacher.)
–
A gun store and shooting range in a small Oklahoma town has started advertising themselves as “Muslim-free.” Well, makes some sense because we all remember the worst terrorist in Oklahoma history was a Muslim…. Oh wait, never mind.
–
#Apple is reportedly working on a self-driving car. As long as it doesn’t use Apple maps.
–
Donald Trump will report for jury duty next week. But the Donald will probably be dismissed when he claims he is the sole caretaker for that fuzzy thing who lives on his head.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, Chris Christie jokes, Cuba jokes, Janice Hough, Jets jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
August 13, 2015
Sesame Street is moving to HBO. So the show will now be brought to you by the letter $.
–
The outlet mall in Livermore, California is expanding and has renamed itself “San Francisco Premium Outlets.” Well, at about 45 miles from the city it’s no further away than the “SF” 49ers.
–
Carly Fiorina is going to solve the maternity leave problem in the U.S! In her own words by making the economy “so strong that employers are forced to compete for workers by offering better salaries, better leave policies, more time off, and good benefits.”
And no doubt many of those workers will be with military contractors developing flying pigs.
–
The A’s are having Mark McGwire bobblehead night next Tuesday. Does it come in two sizes, “before” and “after”?
–
Vernon Adams finally completed his undergraduate degree from Eastern Washington so he can play this fall for Oregon. The Ducks’ expected starting QB passed the final exam today on his second attempt for a math class.
And down in the SEC they’re going “math class?”
–
IK Enemkpali has a job in the NFL, Junior Galette has a job in the NFL Greg Hardy has a job in the NFL… Anyone but me thinking that with Ray Rice, who at least does appear to have learned something, the issue isn’t that elevator punch but the step or two he’s lost as a running back?
–
The court sketch artist who drew an unflattering picture of Tom Brady now says she is being “cyber-bullied” by Patriots fans. Okay, if you REALLY care about a courtroom sketch to the point of harassing the artist, you probably have too much time on your hands.
–
Frontier Airlines is getting rid of their toll-free numbers. Wonder which airline will decide to go them one better by getting rid of phone numbers period?
–
Uh, #ESPN, at this point isn’t “Tiger Struggling” redundant? #TigerWoods #PGA
–
A NASA climatologist says that this winter “has the potential of being the Godzilla El Niño,” Bill Patzert, a climatologist with NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory.” Great, so Californians can deal with a drought and flooding at the same time.
–
So Buzzfeed is reporting that Al Gore is at least thinking of entering the 2016 Presidential race now. Well, heck, let’s run him against Mitt Romney. “I’ll take two politicians most people just want to go away for $1000, Alex.”
–
Wisconsin men’s basketball coach Bo Ryan announced in June that he would retire after the 2015-16 season. Now he says “I’m not totally sure, ” and adds that the AD “said I could change my mind at any time.”
“Atta boy,” said Brett Favre.
–
Next stop, the Supremes? A Colorado court has ruled that a baker who refused to make a wedding cake for a gay couple cannot use his Christian beliefs as a defense. You know, I would have a lot more sympathy for these religious folks if they also made an effort not to bake cakes for couples who live together before marriage, or who met while one was already married, etc.
From T.C. “MetLife Stadium has gone totally wireless, except one QB’s jaw.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: carly fiorinia jokes, election jokes, football jokes, Gore jokes, Janice Hough, Oregon jokes, San Francisco jokes, Sesame Street jokes, Tom Brady jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
August 12, 2015
In an effort to conserve water, Los Angeles poured almost 100,000 four-inch black plastic “shade” balls over their reservoir. So the city doesn’t have the Raiders yet, but the “black hole” is ready
–
This Donald Trump-Megyn Kelly back and forth bickering is getting so bad, you’d think they used to be married to each other.
–
So since Fox News got such kudos for the tough questions at the first GOP debate, clearly the pressure is on CNN for October with the Democrats. And since he’s not doing anything, can I suggest as a moderator Jon Stewart?
–
Billy Joel, 66, and his wife Alexa, 33, have welcomed their first child, Della Rose. Wonder how long until Billy and Della can compete in their first father-daughter diaper derby.
–
Uzbekistan Airways says they will start weighing passengers at the airport, and on some flights they may need to “exclude” larger passengers. U.S airlines are no doubt studying the idea, not to exclude heavier travelers but to charge them extra.
–
Not that it affects me anymore, but what is this “back-to-school” crap in mid-August? Used to be Labor Day. Seems un-American to make kids go to class in the summer. #justsayin
Donald Trump said that when Bernie Sanders let #BlackLivesMatter protesters take his microphone that Sanders “showed that he’s weak.” As opposed to the Donald himself whose mantra is simply #MyLifeMatters.
–
–
The Buffalo Bills have claimed IK Enemkpali off waivers after he was released by the Jets for punching Geno Smith. Guess coach Rex Ryan just wants to make sure he has one defender who can hit?
–
An ESPN poll of more than 100 currently players found that 72% believe that Brady and the Patriots deflated footballs, but only 58% DON’T believe the Patriots cheat. Translation, sounds like there are a lot of teams messing with balls.
–
An SF 49ers season ticket holder is suing the team over a new policy which makes it harder on fans trying to sell unused tickets by requiring most sales to go through Ticketmaster.
Wonder how long it might take for 49ers season ticket holder to sue the team over it being harder to sell unused tickets because of the product on the field.
–
Major layoffs have started with the Kraft-Heinz merger. Hope Heinz 57 isn’t a goal for remaining number of employees.
Seriously hoping for the best for #JimmyCarter.. Absolutely our best ex-president. No joke.
Lots of accolades for former President Jimmy Carter today after his cancer announcement. But for those who just think Habitat for Humanity and vague do-good human rights stuff, four words – google “Carter guinea worm.”
From Bill Littlejohn, “So now, we have a wild controversy involving Donald Trump and Megyn Kelly of Fox News.With all of that hairspray involved, shouldn’t the NFL also be investigating a helmet-to-helmet collision.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, Billy joel jokes, Fox News jokes, Janice Hough, Los Angeles jokes, Megyn Kelly jokes, NFL jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
August 11, 2015
Scientists have found possible marijuana residue in William Shakespeare’s pipes. So maybe what the playwright meant to write was “Doobie or not doobie?”
–
You REALLY cannot make this “stuff” up: Geno Smith will be out 10 weeks with a broken jaw after he was punched by a NY Jets teammate?! #thecircushascometotown
–
Ah nostalgia. Remember the days when NY Jets fans were worried that Tim Tebow was going to be their biggest quarterback distraction?
Happiest people over the Jets’ releasing Ikemefuna Enemkpali for breaking Geno Smith’s jaw? New York copy editors who no longer have to spell Ikemefuna Enemkpali
–
Could have been worse #49ers fans, at least #AldonSmith didn’t punch #ColinKaepernick on his way out.
–
Bus to hell time. SF Chronicle headline “Homicide eyed in mysterious San Francisco dismembered body case.” Well, sure doesn’t seem likely it was suicide.
–
Eagles fans have started a petition for the Pope to bless Sam Bradford’s knees when he visits Philadelphia this September. Because asking for a miracle cure for the Phillies is above even a Papal pay grade?
–
The DOT says that passengers have filed 20% more complaints against U.S. airlines in 2015. The numbers might be higher if travelers were able to access the internet while they are in their seats stuck on the tarmac.
–
Give Donald Trump credit for one huge achievement. He made a blonde woman from Fox one of the most respected news people in the country.
–
A young Trump supporter in Texas referred to the Donald as “the Kanye West of politics.” More like “the Kimye of politics”. With Trump you get both Kanye’s ego along with a big ass.
–
A mother was arrested for allegedly leaving her kids in car while she drank in a bar. Now police say she had her son, 4, blow into the breathalyzer to start the car. Thinking enough to be that creative but not thinking enough to call a babysitter and a cab? Even by Florida standards this is impressive. #cantfixstupid
–
The DOT says that passengers have filed 20% more complaints against U.S. airlines in 2015. The numbers might be higher if travelers were able to access the internet while they are in their seats stuck on the tarmac.
–
11pm on a weeknight. Time to switch to Comedy Cellar for my Jon Stewart fix…… #sayitaintso
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: geno smith jokes, Janice Hough, Jets jokes, NY Jets jokes, shakespeare joke, Trump jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
August 10, 2015
You REALLY cannot make this “stuff” up. Now Michigan State Rep. Todd Courser, who allegedly tried to cover up an affair by sending a fake email accusing himself of paying a male prostitute, is saying he will not resign. Courser says he will stay on to expose “political shenanigans” in the Capitol, that he only sent the email because he was being blackmailed, and that the Lansing “mafia” establishment is out to get him.
This guy is delusional enough you have to wonder if his next step is to declare for the 2016 GOP Presidential nomination.
–
A man who was arrested 2 weeks ago for joy-riding on a jail lawn was arrested again today, for doing the same thing, on the same lawn. Do I even have to write that this is a Florida story? #cantfixstupid
–
Meanwhile, a reporter asked Andrew Luck who his fastest teammate was, and the Colts QB responded “That’s like asking a parent who their favorite kid is.” These Stanford kids aren’t stupid.
–
Leaving aside issues like actually running the country, anyone but me think you could make serious pay-per-view money on a Bernie Sanders-Donald Trump debate?
–
The younger generation may not understand all the tributes pouring in for Frank Gifford, who started with Howard Cosell and Don Meredith on Monday Night Football in 1971. Mostly because these days it’s hard to imagine only one night a week for NFL football.
–
Yellowstone rangers have captured a bear that allegedly killed a hiker Friday. They will do DNA tests, and if they get positive identification, “she will be euthanized because of the facts that she was feeding on the person.”
Makes some sense as a predatory bear is dangerous, but, hey, unlike some human hunters at least she was actually eating what she killed.
–
The Red Sox have announced that closer Koji Uehara has fractured his wrist and will miss the rest of the season. Well, not like Boston was giving him many games to close anyway.
–
Okay, Donald Trump is an ass, and insults women. Got it. Meanwhile other GOP candidates, yes, I am talking about you Scott Walker and Marco Rubio, won’t even declare they would allow abortions to save the life of the mother. #priorities?
–
Oops, Disney Japan attempted to send out a “Merry Unbirthday” tweet from Alice in Wonderland, and managed to translate it as “Congratulations on your not special day.” This on the anniversary of the atom bomb being dropped on Nagasaki.
Sounds like a Mickey Mouse translating operation.
#Cantfixstupid, California division.
The SF Chronicle reported San Francisco Sheriff Ross Mirkarimi’s driver’s license has been suspended since February after he didn’t notify the DMV about a non-injury car accident he was involved in last October. And the newspaper says as of today, he “Mirkarami still had neither filed the required accident report nor provided proof of insurance as required under law, state records show. He had also not paid the $55 fee to regain his full driving privileges, the records show.”
And why should he know the laws? He’s only the sheriff.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, Bernie Sanders jokes, Frank Gifford jokes, GOP jokes, Janice Hough, Red Sox jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
August 9, 2015
After the Pittsburgh Pirates scored 9 runs in the 7th inning against the Dodgers bullpen, beginning to look like biggest competition between SF and LA in October might be over best airline/hotel rates for a vacation in Hawaii.
–
Seventeen GOP candidates running for President. And after last Thursday’s debates a lot of Americans are thinking “can’t we have a few more choices?”
–
Carly Fiorina talking about being a supporter of women’s rights makes as much sense as Bristol Palin being an abstinence spokeswoman.
And Carly Fiorina said today she opposes mandatory paid maternity leave. Proving again that the only women’s rights Fiorina really supports are her own.
–
Thinking if Donald Trump really wants to attract independent voters, he’d lay off Megyn Kelly and start going after Ann Coulter.
–
New NBC GOP Presidential primary poll: Trump – 23%, Carson – 11%, Fiorina and Rubio 8% each. I’ll take “Four people who will never be President for $800, Alex.”
–
#WrigleyField was just evacuated after a bomb threat. Fortunately the threat turned out to be as nonexistent as today’s #SFGiants offense.
–
At Yankee Stadium, a fan threw a home run ball from Toronto’s Jose Bautista back onto the field and it hit NY outfielder Brett Gardner. Gardner was uninjured. These days the way things are going for SF Giants – three starters injured on a 10 game road trip, had one of their fans done the same thing, they’d have hit Pence and put him on the DL.
–
#SFGiants didn’t get all the players they wanted at the trade deadline, and this odd year doesn’t look like their year. On the other ,hand, watching the Pirates score 9 runs in the 7th inning, 8 against Jim Johnson who the #Dodgers basically bought from the Braves by taking on contracts.. ah, #schadenfreude.
–
But, Duane Kuiper saying that the #SFGiants caught a break with the weather on this Chicago trip. Thinking more of a break might have been to have had the entire series rained out.
–
The Redskins and Texans ended up in a brawl after their three-day joint practice. Shame most Washington fans didn’t see it, might be the best hits their team will get in all year.
–
So a #BlackLivesMatter group disrupted a Bernie Sanders event. Isn’t that like a White Supremacist group disrupting a GOP Presidential Debate? Or an anti-abortion group doing the same thing?
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Dodgers jokes, Fiorina jokes, GOP jokes, Janice Hough, SF Giants jokes, Trump jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
August 9, 2015
Donald Trump’s top advisor, Roger Stone, either has quit or been fired, and is saying Trump is ‘losing grip on reality.” Really?! Donald Trump ever had a grip on reality?
–
Some in the GOP are furious about Donald Trump’s crude comments about Megyn Kelly. Thinking if Trump really wants the Republican nomination that he should know better – such comments should be about Hillary.
–
QB Geno Smith, booed by NY fans at the Jets’ first publlc scrimmage, says he “thrives on adversity.”. If true Smith should have been the NFL MVP by now.
–
Saturday was #InternationalCatDay And cats are sniffing “Isn’t EVERY day #InternationalCatDay ?
–
Texas pastor Joel Osteen apparently sold out AT&T Park Saturday nightA. Well, good for him, but these days any SF Giants pitcher besides Madison Bumgarner can get 40,000 plus people there praying.
–
Obama just arrived for his vacation on Martha’s Vineyard. Cue the outrage. How dare the President and his family vacation on a small mostly upscale island? They should go somewhere like Disney World or San Diego or Virginia Beach and ruin the vacations of millions of average Americans.
–
The Houston Texans’ Arian Foster says he doesn’t believe in God. Seems fair, given their 88-120 lifetime record, God doesn’t probably believe in the Texans either.
–
B/E Aerospace has developed a new airline seat that can be adjusted to roll forward or back depending on passengers’ height, so say, someone sitting in front of a child could have their seat moved back for more leg room. Wonder which airline might try it first, along with the “sit-in-front-of-a-short-person” fee.
–
If the #BlueJays can somehow catch the #Yankees will they become the first Canadian #AmericasTeam?
–
In Yakima, Washington, officials want a former city employee to pay back $757.40 she spent on gourmet cupcakes for her own farewell party. $757.40?! In some fancy SF cafes that’s almost a dozen cupcakes.
–
Rough week for #SFGiants, but just think how much different things might be if the team had been able to retain #PabloSandoval…
–
Time for the #SFGiants to start kangaroo court fines for all pitchers who throw 0-2 pitches in the strike zone?
–
One of the great things about baseball, is that even when your team is s*cking up the place, you can usually find pleasure in watching at least one team you dislike lose. #BeatLA #BeattheYankees
–
Add Pittsburgh Pirates pitcher Francisco Liriano to the list of MLB players with more home runs than Angel Pagan. #SFGiants #Poweroutage
–
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell says there will be no government shutdown this September over Planned Parenthood. Wonder if it’s just a coincidence that McConnell has two daughters
Categories: Uncategorized
Comments: Be the first to comment
August 5, 2015
There are now rumors that Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz is thinking of running for President. No word yet on a timetable, as Schultz knows it’s a venti decision.
–
For SF Giants fans who really miss Pablo Sandoval, rookie Matt Duffy does have this cat. Skeeter. Not photoshopped. Maybe SF Giants fans need Skeeter hats?
–
Shelby Tomlinson and Matt Duffy apparently were housemates at AA Richmond last year. The two of them together might have equaled one Panda.
–
Kobe Bryant says the Lakers “absolutely” can make the playoffs this year. The NBA playoffs? Or the NCAA tournament?
–
CVS says they will no longer include Viagra in its list of drug insurance benefits. The drugstore chain presumably thought it it wasn’t a hard decision.
–
Bill GM Doug Whaley said that Buffalo is “almost in quarterback purgatory” because the team do not have a franchise quarterback. And Jets fans after the last few years are thinking “Hmm, purgatory is a step up from hell.”
–
Some outrage over a hospital picture of Bobbi Kristina being on the cover of the National Enquirer. Alas probably the biggest outrage from competing media who didn’t get the photo.
–
Whole Foods has pulled $5.99 bottles of “asparagus water” from the shelves of a store in California, saying the items were a mistake. Nope, the mistake would have been actually buying the water.
–
So Carly Fiorina, despite being the only woman running for the GOP presidential nomination, is polling about 1% and will not be eligible for the first debate. 1%? Who knew most of the Republican electorate knows someone who worked at Hewlett Packard?
–
Teachers unions are demanding an apology after Chris Christie said they deserve “a punch in the face.” In the N.J. Governor’s defense, maybe people will believe him if he says he was talking about punch and cookies.
–
A U.S.Circuit Court of Appeals struck down a Texas law requiring residents to show ID before voting, saying it violates the Voting Rights Act. They’ll never please everyone, but maybe Texas could just write a law with the exact same requirements to vote as to buy a gun?
–
So the man who was shot and killed by police in a Nashville theater after attacking patrons, apparently had only been able to obtain pepper spray, a hatchet, and an air gun. So where’s the NRA on this one? #Ifonlyhehadbeenarmed
–
From Bill Littlejohn “Yasiel Puig credits videogames with helping to end his slump. Although fellow Dodgers are complaining about him flipping the joystick.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Chris Christie jokes, debate jokes, duffy jokes, Janice Hough, Lakers jokes, Starbucks jokes, Viagra jokes, Whole Foods jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
