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Opening Day- Closing night

April 6, 2015

On Opening Day at Yankee Stadium, A-Rod apparently got the loudest ovation of any player when he was introduced. Figures, most comics work nights and had the day off.

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The NY Times reported today that Jeb Bush listed himself as Hispanic on his 2009 voter registration form. So where is Donald Trump’s call for Jeb’s birth certificate?

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Anyone but me think Mike Krzyzewski must have a really scary looking portrait in an attic somewhere? ‪#‎NationalChampionship‬ ‪#‎Duke‬

Two controversial calls down the stretch that both went the Blue Devils’ way should do wonders for Duke continuing to be universally loved across the country.

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Bo Ryan, 67, would have become the oldest coach in NCAA tournament history to win his first national championship if Wisconsin won tonight. 67?! Makes Ryan about the average age of the San Antonio Spurs.

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The Los Angeles Dodgers won 6-3 today, but Clayton Kershaw gave up 3 runs in 6 innings. That’s it, he’s clearly over the hill.

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Pedroia and Ramirez on space for 324 home runs each. Pablo Sandoval on pace for 486 strikeouts. ‪#‎OpeningDay‬ ‪#‎Redsox‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬

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So much for all those who thought Kentucky could beat an NBA team. Of course, they still might be able to beat the Lakers.

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The Cubs went 0-13 with runners in scoring position and lost 3-0 on “opening night.” So how many of the Wrigley faithful are breaking out new “Wait until next year” t-shirts?

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From my friend Scott Russell. “It is apropos that the Red Sox play Boston College in their exhibition opener and the Philadelphia Phillies on opening day.” Scott does not say whether he believes Boston College or the Phillies to have been tougher competition.

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In most of Europe, Easter Monday is still a holiday. So why did we in the US fight for independence again?

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The playoffs may be different, but for Sunday night, age and treachery still overcome youth and skill. ‪#‎Spurs‬ ‪#‎Warriors‬

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In Albuquerque, New Mexico, a father allegedly decided he was too drunk to drive, and got his 13-year-old son to take him on a beer run. Then dad got into an argument in the store and fired his gun eight times. (fortunately hitting no one.) He was arrested by cops who were conducting a DWI checkpoint across the street. Your move, Florida.

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So in Missouri, a GOP lawmaker has proposed that a bill that would ban food stamps for being used to buy “cookies, chips, energy drinks, soft drinks, seafood or steak.” Yeah, because you’d hate to have them waste money on tunafish? ‪#‎dotheythinkbeforetheycomeupwiththeselaws‬?

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: coach k jokes, Duke jokes, Janice Hough, Jeb jokes, one and done jokes, Opening day jokes, Red Sox jokes, Wisconsin jokes, Yankees jokes

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And then there were 2.

April 5, 2015

Some Kentucky players didn’t shake Wisconsin’s hands, Andrew Harrison calls Kaminsky the N-word. Guess another problem with the one-and-done mentality is that not only do professors not teach them anything, Calipari didn’t teach them how to lose.

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But really, Wisconsin had motivation from a Final Four loss last year late on a Kentucky 3-point shot. Had many Wildcats been revenge minded from 2014 they’d have had to track down high school opponents.

Frank Kaminsky said of the racial slur from Andrew Harrison after the racial slur last night. “He reached out to me, we talked about it, [I’m] over it, Nothing needs to be made out of it.”Classy of Frank. Of course, maybe it helps that a- this might have been the first time that a white guy from Illinois with Polish heritage got attacked with the N word, and b – the Badgers won.

At least 29 arrests in Lexington after Kentucky’s loss to Wisconsin last night. Come on, can’t they make it 38 misdemeanors and 1 felony?

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Well, on the brighter side for Kentucky players, they’ll get a lot more comfortable in losing next year playing next year for the 76ers, Lakers, Knicks…

Apparently after the semi-final game, Kentucky fans were rioting and lighting things on fire in the streets. Imagine how classy they would have been if the Wildcats actually won.

“Tell him good bye.” ‪#‎LonSimmns‬, 91, has passed away. Another great who will not outlast Candlestick. ‪#‎Byebyebaby‬

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Rick Santorum, “Tolerance is a two-way street. If you’re a print shop and you are a gay man, should you be forced to print ‘God hates fags’ for the Westboro Baptist Church because they hold those signs up?” Uh oh. Is Santorum feeling so confident that he’s willing to risk the truly looney vote?

The Obama family attended Easter Sunday Alexandria’s Alfred Street Baptist Church, a predominantly African-American church. No doubt the reaction from many conservatives was split between accusing the President of pandering to minorities, to saying this confirmed his Muslim Baptist tendencies.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, jokes about march madness, Kentucky jokes, March Madness, NCAA jokes, Wisconsin jokes

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Easter thoughts…

April 5, 2015

Starting with Dean Martin, every bunny loves some bunny, sometime…..

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And remember, love may fade, but marshmallow Peeps are forever.

While Americans eat plenty of lamb at Easter, rabbit is never on the menu. A fringe benefit of being the bearer of chocolate eggs!

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An autographed Jay Cutler football received no bids at a Chicago charity auction. Well, to be fair, apparently a number of people tried but their bids could not be completed.

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Lost in the sad story about all the SF cops suspended over texts that apparently targeted blacks, Mexicans, Filipinos and gay men, is the fact that one man resigned before he could be suspended. And that officer is a 23 year old veteran who is himself openly gay. ‪#‎equalopportunityasshole‬

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Note to ‪#‎ESPN‬ they call it “‪#‎OpeningDay‬ for a reason. Starting the MLB season on a Sunday night is BS.

The latest SF Giants causality – occasional left-fielder Travis Ishikawa will start 2015 on the DL with an back injury. Are we sure this Bonds guy is REALLY retired?

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While the new Jumbotron at Wrigley Field will be up and running tomorrow, the renovated bleachers won’t be ready for several weeks at least. So which will come first, the stadium renovation completion, or the Cubs being eliminated in 2015?

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When Florida State CB P.J. Williams was arrested for DUI yesterday morning, he allegedly told the arresting officer “He played football for FSU and just wanted to go home.” So apparently no one ever told Williams they have cabs in Tallahassee?

(Points for consistency though: in November, 2014, Williams was featured in a NY Times article on preferential treatment given to Seminoles players by local police, reporting that he should have been charged with a hit and run on Oct. 5, but was given only two traffic tickets. #cantfixstupid)

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Bus to hell time. A man fatally shot himself at Universal Studios, California yesterday behind the “Despicable Me” ride. Okay, if someone was going to commit suicide at a theme park didn’t most of us have it figured to be at the prospect of another turn at “It’s a Small World?”

From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg. But ever competitive, Bill and Hillary want to know why they weren’t considered for this joke.

“Antarctica reported a record high temperature of 63 degrees. That makes the coldest place in the world Bruce Jenner and Kris Jenner’s old bedroom.”

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Is Wilson available?

April 3, 2015

Off the coast of North Carolina, a man was rescued from atop his overturned sailboat after being lost at sea for 66 days. Presumably they’ve already optioned Tom Hanks for the movie.

Tiger Woods has announced that he is playing the the Masters. And why not? He’ll still have his weekend free.

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So with all this talk about “religious freedom” and “Christian values” etc, isn’t it time for some pharmacy owner to stand up and say, for starters he/she will refuse to fill Viagra prescriptions for unmarried or divorced men?

Congrats to Sarah Thomas, who will this fall become the NFL’s first full time woman official. All kidding aside, if she has been able to deal with the abuse it took to become a football official in the first place, Thomas should be just fine in dealing with NFL players.

Former Florida State DB P.J. Williams was arrested this morning in Tallhassee, FL and charged with DUI. Williams is projected as an NFL first round draft pick. So is Williams trying to be drafted by the 49ers, Redskins or Cowboys?

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A British couple who won a million pounds in the lottery in 2013, won another such jackpot last Friday. Wouldn’t you think one of the first things most people would do with a million pounds is stop playing the lottery?

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And okay, no one has details on the UN pact. But so for Republicans, what would be worse than President Obama being part of a Nuclear Deal with Iran? Being unable to come to a deal with Iran? Or was he wrong to negotiate in the first place? ‪#‎somanywaystobewrong‬.

Okay, we’ve upped the ante lately but so alas this probably won’t be an overall award winner for 2015. But can we give the “bat sh*t crazy” award for April to Michele Bachman with this FB update

“With his Iran deal, Barack Obama is for the 300 million souls of the United States what Andreas Lubitz was for the 150 souls on the German Wings flight – a deranged pilot flying his entire nation into the rocks. After the fact, among the smoldering remains of American cities, the shocked survivors will ask, why did he do it?”

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: florida okes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes

Comments: 3 Comments

States of confusion.

April 2, 2015

A new law in Kansas allows unlicensed possession of concealed firearms and eliminates the mandate for weapons training to carry a concealed gun in a public place. Well, heck, why not just get rid of driver’s licenses while they’re at it. ‪#‎whatcouldpossiblygowrong‬?

In Oklahoma, the House passed a bill restricting ALL marriages to people of faith, and requiring all marriage licenses to be approved by a member of the clergy. Well if this passes guess Oklahoma will have the new title of the “most bastards in the U.S.””

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After many threatened boycotts of the state, Indiana’s lawmakers have come up with a amendment to their “religious freedom” law, which says it cannot be used as a legal defense by those who deny goods and services to customers because of their sexual orientation or gender. So money may not be able to buy happiness, but in this case it has apparently bought tolerance.

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A Leesburg woman was arrested for DUI after she drove to a McDonalds, ordered, and then apparently was too drunk to drive to the pick up window. When police were called they found her wearing only a bra and panties. Back on your game, Florida.

The NY Jets are rumored to be thinking of trading up to acquire Marcus Mariota. And Mariota is thinking “hmm, is it too late to get that last year of college eligibility back?

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So was “Happy Good Friday” one of the original oxymorons?

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Kourtney Kardashian has posted a photo of her 3 month old son – Reign Aston Disick. Well, it’s a good thing there’s money in reality television. Because with that name this kid is going to need a lot of money for therapy.

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The Palo Alto Fire Department says a teacher at Palo Alto High School suffered first- and second-degree burns when a science experiment went wrong. Have to wonder, how many of the students will be writing this up as a “traumatic event” for next year’s college application essays

So apparently the US, Russia, China, France, the UK and Germany have a tentative nuclear deal with Iran. Would be a little easier to take the GOP condemnation of ANY deal if just one of them would go volunteer to fight a war as an alternative

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Fight on!

April 1, 2015

USC AD Pat Haden tweeted today he will skip the College Football Playoff meeting this week in Indianapolis. “I am the proud father of a gay son In his honor, I will not be attending the FP committee meeting in Indy this week.” Impressive work by Indiana, who knew you could give USC the moral high ground?

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After supporting the new “religious freedom” law strongly, Indiana Governor Mike Pence today said “we’ll fix this and we’ll move forward.” Translation, “we had no idea that even old boys’ clubs NCAA and NFL would be against it. and we’ve $uddenly got million$ of rea$on$ to rethink thi$.”

New “Daily Show” host Trevor Noah is taking heat for tweets from a few years back that were misogynistic and/or racist. This should be interesting, Noah may turn off some regular viewers, but he might be the first person on the show to be defended on FOX News.

We’ll see how it plays out with Trevor Noah’s offensive tweets. But was anyone but me just a bit annoyed that the Daily Show had to go all the way to South Africa to find someone to replace Jon Stewart, rather than hiring a woman?

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Coach K and his former player-assistant coach both have chances to hoist banners this year. ‪#‎Stanford‬ ‪#‎Duke‬ ‪#‎NITTournament‬ ‪#‎NCAATournament‬

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The average salary this year in Major League Baseball will top $4.25 million. You know what that means. Beer prices are going up.

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Phil Jackson, trying to reassure Knicks season tickets holders for next year said “We have a clear plan.” Uh, so did Custer.

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Josie Canesco, 18, daughter of Jose, was arrested for alleged DUI this morning. Maybe the apple doesn’t stagger far from the tree.

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Alabama RB Tyren Jones was already suspended for “conduct not to the standard of the football program. Now he was arrested for marijuana possession, the third Crimson Tide player arrest in four days. Yep, Nick Saban really is running an NFL type program.

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Asked why Tampa should make him the first NFL pick this year, Jameis Winston responded “Because I’m the best player in this draft.” Well, it’s a better answer than “Florida has cheap crab legs.”

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New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft said today in court that Aaron Hernandez told him he was innocent of murder. Well, and why would Kraft think anyone connected with the Patriots would have reason to lie?

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Just a hint to political fundraisers – putting “URGENT” on emails asking for donations is a great way to get things urgently put into the spam box.

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Tough time to be a environmentally conscious Californian. Starbucks gives you a 10 cent discount for bringing a reusable cup. But washing that cup takes water…..

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From Gary M, in response to my suggestion that the Falcons pay guys from local frats rather than paying a fine to pipe in crowd noise…. “Good idea, but the frats probably can’t make bail till after the weekend.”

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #Marchmadness jokes, coach k jokes, Daily show jokes, Florida jokes, Indiana jokes, Janice Hough, NCAA jokes, NFL draft jokes, NIT jokes, trevor noah jokes

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Dampening the celebration?

March 31, 2015

Oops. Virgin Atlantic’s inaugural flight from Manchester, England to Atlanta was set to receive a “water cannon salute” from airport firefighters as it departed. Except apparently someone pressed the wrong button and sprayed, not water but foam, which clogged the plane’s engines and grounded it overnight. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬, airline division winner for the week.

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The NFL has fined the Atlanta Falcons $350,000 and take away the team’s fifth round draft pick in 2016 for illegally piping crowd noise into the Georgia Dome. And in Seattle they’re just giggling.

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Regarding that $350,000 fine that the Falcons got for piping in crowd noise, wouldn’t it have been cheaper for Atlanta just to have given free tickets to local frat boys?

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The German prosecutor on the Germanwings flight says now that medical records indicate the co-pilot had been suicidal in the past. Damn shame his therapist talked him out of it.

A woman gave birth in an Uber car Monday morning in Manhattan. Uber apparently had the car cleaned afterwards for the driver. But then they also gave him a pair of Knicks tickets. As if the poor guy hasn’t had enough trauma?

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Three #1 seeds and Michigan State in the Final Four. Means that those most likely to be winning their respective pools are generally risk adverse sports fans who happen to be from East Lansing.

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For the first time since 1996, Tiger Woods is not in golf’s 100 top ranked golfers. Standby for an ESPN special on “The Fall of Tiger.”

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Justin Bieber, in a USA Today interview – “My life is not easy” “I feel so sorry for him,” said nobody.

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Aaron Hernandez’s fiancee today on the witness stand said she had “‘learned to compromise’ over his cheating because their relationship ‘was worth fighting for.” File this under “Maybe-maybe not smart woman, REALLY foolish choice.

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McDonald’s is apparently testing a plan to serve breakfast all day long. The experiment will start in San Diego. But really, wouldn’t Colorado be more appropriate?

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Stubhub is suing the Golden State Warriors, because the team is telling season ticket holders that they can only resell tickets online through Ticketmaster. Otherwise they could lose ticket rights and/or playoff tickets. The issue, how much the Warriors make in “scalping’ service fees. Awful, this billionaire on billionaire violence…..

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An interesting and positive sidelight perhaps of this Indiana law. Not so much who is condemning it, but in who is not supporting it. Usually with civil rights issues these days, there are a host of GOP leaders and Presidential wannabes screaming freedom and states’ rights. But from Palin, Jindal, Trump, Perry…. crickets.

(after I wrote this at first Cruz and Santorum and actually Jeb Bush came out in support of the law. So the clown car is loading up. But not a word from Palin…. maybe Bristol made some friends on DWTS who she’s invited to the weddin.)

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Moving on from fraternities, now at the University of Mary Washington in Virginia, a college rugby team has been suspended indefinitely over an audio where the players can be heard chanting “Finally found a whore, she was right and dead…”

Okay, leaving the nasty nature of the words aside, shouldn’t any college student in the country now know that ANYTHING you say now 24-7 in a group of people can and will be recorded and held against you? ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

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From T.C. “GB QB Aaron Rodgers was celebrating with the Final Four bound Wisconsin Badgers basketball team. When asked if he was looking to recruit a tight end with a basketball background like Gronk or Jimmy Graham, he replied, “No, I’m actually looking for someone that can recover an onside kick”.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, atlanta falcons jokes, Final Four jokes, Janice Hough, marijuana jokes, McDonalds jokes, Tiger Woods jokes, Uber jokes

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Room for one more?

March 29, 2015

Carly Fiorina said today there’s a ‘higher than 90 percent’ chance she’ll run for the GOP presidential nomination. And why not? Why should there be a “no girls allowed” sign on the clown car?

Carly Fiorina attacked Hillary Clinton Sunday saying that Clinton “doesn’t know what leadership means,” and that her “character is flawed.” And who better to opine on those two subjects than a woman whose leadership and character prompted HP’s board to pay her $20 million just to go away.

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Indiana Governor Pence said it was “not a mistake” to sign the “religious freedom” law. Have to think some other governors agree with him – particularly those who compete with Indiana for convention business.

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Passengers had to be rescued after the Coney Island Cyclone got stuck on its first ride of the year. And many New Yorkers are thinking that this spring rather than riding actual roller coasters they’ll just stick to watching the Mets

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Apparently some people are taking selfies in front of the New York East Village building that blew up last week, resulting in 25 injuries and probably two deaths. Which is shocking on two levels, perhaps less that folks are that insensitive, but more that they are stupid enough to post them publicly.

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Not only is there no Cinderella this year, Mike Krzyzewski, Tom Izzo, John Calipari and Bo Ryan probably can recite the answers, and the questions, from Final Four reporters by heart.

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These days Duke too has embraced the “one and done” philosophy. Which for many basketball fans just means they can now just hate individual Blue Devils for a shorter time.

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British Airways says some of their frequent-flyer accounts have been hacked. and some Executive Club members may not be able to use their miles until the airline resolves the issue. And perhaps until British Airways and others figure out how to add a “mileage security” fee.

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Alabama coach Nick Saban last year signed Jonathan Taylor, a 6’4″, 335 pound defensive lineman, who was dismissed from Georgia’s football team after an arrest for felony domestic violence. Saban said at the time “he was the kind of guy that deserved a second chance.” Now Taylor has been arrested again for domestic violence. I guess “the kind of guy that deserved a second chance” translates to “he’s a 6’4″ 335 lb defensive lineman.”

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One week until MLB opening night in Chicago. Where the temperature today was a high of 46 degrees and the low tonight is projected at 37. Heck, if baseball wanted it to be that cold for the first game maybe they could have asked the demolition crews at Candlestick Park to hold off a little longer.

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Why does ‪#‎religiousfreedom‬ so often mean “freedom for everyone to follow MY religion?

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Carly Fiorina jokes, Chicago Cubs jokes, Duke jokes, Final Four jokes, Indiana jokes, Janice Hough, Mets jokes

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Springing about a yard – or a century – forward?

March 29, 2015

A man called into an Indianapolis radio station saying he supported the state’s new law and turned away a gay couple at his restaurant. “Yes, I have discriminated…they can have their lifestyle and do their own thing in their own place or with people that want to be with them.” So I presume he also asks straight couples to prove they are married, and to each other?-

More on Indiana. Perhaps all who don’t want any LGBTs in their businesses should put their names on a list somewhere. Because even in the Midwest, there are gay police officers and firefighters. And they would presumably like to know which business owners not to offend by entering in a emergency situation.

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Russell Wilson is back at Spring Training with the Texas Rangers. So if he reaches third base can the Rangers call on Marshawn Lynch as a pinch-runner to score?

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The ‪#‎NigelHayes‬ dictionary expedition continues And hey, the Wisconsin Badgers may not win it all. But who knows how many of their young fans may end up learning enough SAT words to get them into college. ‪

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Tom Brady posted a “scary” video of him jumping off a cliff while on vacation in Costa Rica. But have to presume his family was in a pretty safe resort area. If Brady wants to do something really terrifying, he could always sign next with the Raiders.

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A report says that major U.S. banks are so upset at Elizabeth Warren that they are considering withholding their maximum allowable $15,000 per bank donation to Democratic Senate candidates. Shocking. Does anyone think major banks can’t find a way to donate more than $15,000 to a candidate?

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An Arkansas state rep has a bill to ban California wines. Because he says a new California law that bans eggs where hen cages are too small for the birds to turn around is a “substantial burden” on Arkansas’s egg industry.

Hmm. This could result in California wineries losing sales of at least a dozen boxes of wine.

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Seven people were shot at a spring break party Friday night. Well, this is what comes of students going to a dangerous place like Mexico. Oh, it was Florida. ‪#‎Nevermind‬.

Okay, Indiana, just imagining this scene. So 13 guys want to book a table for a supper. And one of them even asks if afterwards he might have a basin and towel to wash the other men’s feet. Sounds a bit odd. Guess it’s now legal to turn them down.

Ouch. Timing is everything, and not always in a good way. Germanwings has pulled ads from London’s Underground subway. The slogan? “Get ready to be surprised.

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Clearly the referees in the ‪#‎NCAATournament‬ realize that that reason we turn into these games is to see foul shots. ‪
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A report in a British paper indicates that Russian President Vladimir Putin has a “Internet Research Center” has employees who do nothing but flood Twitter and Facebook accounts with propaganda, each needing to write at least 130 comments a day. Another example of American exceptionalism, here the GOP can accomplish the same thing for free with people who watch Fox News.

So many people questioning ‪#‎WouldKentucky‬ beat some NBA teams. Maybe we should be questioning ‪#‎WouldKnicks‬ beat some of these top NCAA teams

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Brady jokes, Florida jokes, Indiana jokes, Janice Hough, LBGT jokes, NCAA jokes, Warren jokes

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Up in smoke.

March 27, 2015

Oops, in Jakarta, an entire neighborhood apparently ended up getting high after police tried to destroy 1,000 pounds of marijuana….by burning it. Sounds like the Indonesian equivalent of a Grateful Dead concert.

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Tom Izzo, after Michigan State’s win to advance to the Elite Eight. ” As it should be, juniors and seniors come through in the tournament.” And John Calipari is just giggling.

But really, Michigan State, with what many thought earlier was a too low #7 seed, is the biggest underdog left in March Madness? A lot of dads have learned that if they want to see Cinderella this weekend, they’re going to have to take their kids to the Disney movie.

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Anyone besides me ready to go in for crowdfunding if some Wiccans want to open a restaurant in Indiana with a policy against serving homophobic a**holes?

Not that it’s likely. But would be fun to see what happens if EVERY gay worker in the state of Indiana, or better yet, anyone with an gay relative, walks off the job for one day.

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David Ortiz says he has never “knowingly” used steroids. Is Big Papi planning a future in politics?

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Who had ‪#‎Stanford‬ and #Arizona as the last ‪#‎Pac12‬ men’s basketball teams still playing at the end of the 2014-15 season? ‪#‎NIT‬ ‪#‎MarchMadness‬.

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Michael Sam to the Dallas Star-Telegram “I will never say anything about who [the gay players] are, what teams they are (on) I’m just saying there’s some famous people, and I’m not the only one.” In related news, did Sam also say “Water is wet.”?

Bill Littlejohn, on Tiger Woods saying he’s 50-50 for playing in the Masters: Does that mean 50 on the front nine, followed by 50 on the back?”

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Harry Reid has announced he will not run for re-election next year after he damaged his eye in an exercise accident. And Chris Christie is going “Exercise accident? That is one thing that will never happen if I am elected President.”

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Chicago prospect Kris Bryant says he’s ready for the majors. But Theo Epstein and the Cubs are saying he needs more time in the minors. And how can you argue against a franchise with such a tradition of winning?

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OU President David Boren said that fraternity members learned their racist chant at an SAE ” national leadership cruise” four years again. Okay, add a new one to the lexicon of oxymorons: “Fraternity leadership cruise.

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Michael Sam, after the veteran’s combine, said “Hopefully I’m not being discriminated [against] because I’m gay,” Now I want Sam to have a chance as much as anyone, but leaving homophobia aside, this year I think he’s being discriminated against because he runs a 4.99 40.

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Ellen Pao has lost her sexual discrimination lawsuit against Kleiner Perkins after the venture capital firm successfully contended that the reason she wasn’t promoted was that Pao was difficult and did not get along with colleagues.

Now, from what I’ve read, she doesn’t sound like the easiest co-worker. But if “difficult” and hard to get along with was reason for termination, my guess is that VC firms would have a lot of empty offices.

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Since Americans don’t tend to REALLY focus on things unless they affect us…here’s a very scary thought about that Germanwings pilot, buried way down in an article in a UK (Daily Mail) paper as reported from Germany “He always wanted to fly long distance, above all to San Francisco. ”

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Chris Christie jokes, Indiana jokes, Janice Hough, March madness jokes, marijuana jokes, Michael Sam jokes, Michigan state jokes

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About that bridge…

March 26, 2015

Bus to hell time. Seeing that picture over and over again of Germanwings co-pilot Andreas Lubitz at the Golden Gate bridge. And thinking – why didn’t he just jump off of it?

V. Stiviano in court today said that Donald Sterling was her “soulmate.” I’m confused. For two people to be soulmates don’t they have to have souls?

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Just how wrong is Indiana’s new bill that allows business owners to discriminate on religious grounds? A similar bill was vetoed by that wacky liberal Gov. Jan Brewer in Arizona.

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George Takei is calling for a boycott of Indiana over the new “religious freedom” bill. Of course, for such a bill to work, people would have to previously have had reason to go to Indiana.

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Vanderbilt and Stanford have announced a four game football series in 2021, 2024, 2025 and 2027. This should be interesting – multisyllabic trash talking.

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Alex Rodriguez will be subject to increased MLB drug testing after his one-year PED suspension. But to risk being caught for a THIRD time? Just how stupid does baseball think A-Rod is? Oops, never mind

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Starbucks has unveiled a limited edition Birthday Cake Frappuccino to celebrate the 20th anniversary of its drink. It will include a “delicious, creamy blend of Vanilla Bean and Hazelnut”, topped with raspberry whipped cream. Starbucks fans are deciding whether to try it, or to just stick with something healthier like a Big Mac.

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Top-10 NFL draft prospect Randy Gregory said that he has tested positive in February for marijuana: “I blame myself. And I know it sounds cliché, but there’s really no one else I can blame.”

Okay, clearly the young man, as talented as he is, isn’t NFL ready. Where’s the tainted supplement? Where’s the second-hand smoke? Where’s the “it must have been in brownies?”
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And while we’re at it? Hard to imagine marijuana improving performance (how about that 7.0 40 yard dash?). And given a choice as far as dangerous drugs, guessing a lot fewer people have been hurt by NFL players who were high on pot vs. those drinking alcohol.

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From T.C. “Nebraska defensive end Randy Gregory tested positive for marijuana at the NFL Combine. His agent said Gregory’s response was that he wanted to be a high draft choice.”
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Who but me wants to see Wisconsin keep winning just to see what sesquipedalian words Nigel Hayes will come up with in the postgame press conferences. #MarchMadness.

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#‎Kentucky‬ 78, ‪#‎WestVirginia‬ 39. And it wasn’t that close. ‪#‎WVUvsUK‬

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Dear Gawd, Pat Robertson this morning on “The 700 Club” What a terrible tragedy. “Was that co-pilot a Muslim?” So congrats to all those who had “about an hour” in the pool.

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Your “Awww’ story for the day. Dean Smith, 83, who died last month, set up a trust in his will to send $200 to every one of his varsity players at UNC, with a note to “enjoy a dinner out.” Good thing it’s North Carolina, if Smith had coached at USC or a smaller school the NCAA would no doubt have put the current team on probation.

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Newt Gingrich said today at a healthcare conference said not only that he doesn’t think Obamacare should be repealed, but also that House members who claim they want to repeal it really don’t want to either. (Though he does think it should be tweaked.) Is Gingrich trying to be thrown out of the GOP for making too much sense?

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: A-Rod jokes, Arizona jokes, Germanwings, Indiana jokes, Janice Hough, March madness jokes, NFL jokes, V. Stiviano jokes, Wisconsin jokes

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Wrong numbers?

March 25, 2015

New Boston Red Sox third baseman Pablo Sandoval told USA that he changed his cell number and doesn’t talk to old SF Giants teammates. He also added “If I had signed (with SF), I knew I would be under a (weight) regimen for five years, and I’m not going to be happy someplace where I’m under that kind of regimen, where I can’t be myself.”

Well at least Sandoval chose a new team with kind, gentle and understanding fans/media…. Hint to the Panda ‪#‎lessismore‬

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And you thought the worst export from Canada was Justin Bieber. ‪#‎TedCruzCampaignSlogans‬

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Now, most people agree tax law is too complicated. But along with everything else, Ted Cruz has joined Dr. Ben Carson in saying he will abolish the IRS. Sure, let’s put all Americans on the honor system. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

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Stanford men’s basketball team beats Vanderbilt and is heading to New York’s Madison Square Garden for the NIT final four. And hey, had they gotten to the NCAA tournament they’d either be done now or heading to maybe Cleveland, or Syracuse. With a Final Four in Indianapolis Hey, maybe these Stanford kids really ARE smart.

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How many careers would benefit from a five-second delay on speech like they have on “live” TV? Mike Bocchino, a Connecticut state rep, criticizing a proposed “yes means yes” sexual assault bill – “At the end of the day, there are no witnesses — at least if there are, it’s a really great party.”. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

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University of Michigan center, Jack Miller, 21, is retiring from football due to concussion fears – “I know it’s pretty unorthodox for a 21-year-old to see past his own nose This game requires such a passion to excel, and my flame is burned out.” And a number of other college players are thinking “Dude, what’s ‘unorthodox?'”

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When these companies put you on hold for 30 plus minutes and say periodically “Thank you for your time and patience” I am reminded of that little vulture statue they used to sell in gift shops “Patience my a**, I’m going to kill something.”

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A United Airlines employee was arrested and charged with stealing over $500 from a passenger’s wallet at a TSA checkpoint at Newark. United is appalled. If anyone is ripping off a passenger, it should be the airline themselves.

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United flights from SF to Dallas, $226 roundtrip. Adding aisle seats towards the front of the plane and one checked bag in each direction, $146 additional. We don’t need Ryan Air in the US, the legacy airlines are already there.

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New Orleans coach Sean Payton said there is “not one iota” of truth to rumors that the Saints are thinking of trading Drew Brees. Translation, they may be rebuilding, but they still want to sell tickets next year.

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The NFL has decided that the controversial formation that the New England Patriots used to score a TD against the Ravens in the AFC championship will be illegal next year. No worries, Belichick and company expect to have a whole new stable of ways not to be caught cheating next season.

Thunder 91, Spurs 130?! So does Oklahoma City call that “elder abuse”, or rather “abuse by elders?”

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Another of those rare serious thoughts. “Turns out the reportedly suicidal man who allegedly shot and killed a San Jose, California, police officer last night, did fatally shoot himself later in the evening. Once again, such a damn shame that anyone bent on murder-suicide can’t take care of the latter first.”

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, IRS jokes, Janice Hough, March madness jokes, NFL jokes, NIT jokes, Pablo Sandoval jokes, Ted Cruz jokes

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Immortality and other options.

March 25, 2015

Still so impressed by Mo’ne Davis’s gracious response to the baseball playing idiot who posted an offensive tweet about her. And my sense is we will be hearing about Mo’ne and what she accomplishes in her life for a long time. As opposed to what’s his name.

Remember “Jon and Kate Plus 8?” Now former reality star Jon Gosselin says he is considering running for the state legislature in Pennsylvania. Gosselin hasn’t said what party, which will no doubt set up a heated battle between Dems and the GOP. “You take him, no YOU take him.”

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GOP Rep. Peter King just referred to Ted Cruz as a “carnival barker.” Prompting calls for an apology. From carnival barkers.

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A Detroit TV reporter who asked Jim Harbaugh if he is worth the 7-year $38 million contract he signed. And the new Michigan coach responded “No.” You start seeing why Harbaugh is back at the college level. He’s too honest to be an NFL coach.

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Indiana Senator Dan Coats retired in 1998. Evan Bayh ran for and won his seat. Then Bayh retired in 2010 and Coats came back and won the seat again. Now Coats is retiring once more. All eyes are on Bayh. If Evan runs will he offer a job as a special consultant to Brett Favre?

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At Miller Park this year, the Milwaukee Brewers will sell “Deep Fried Nachos” – beef and beans, rolled in crushed Doritos, fried on a stick and topped with sour cream and cheese. Fans can presumably buy a package including Nacho sticks, a beer, and a turn at the defibrillator.

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You cannot make this “stuff” up. Ted Cruz, who in announcing his candidacy for the Presidency said Monday that he would work to repeat Obamacare, said Tuesday that because his wife is leaving her Goldman Sachs job and losing her insurance that he will sign up for Obamacare.

(as my friend Ian reminds us “You do not like them. SO you say. Try them! Try them! And you may. Try them and you may I say.)

Wisconsin men’s basketball forward Sam Dekker on coach Bo Ryan’s game plan. “We try not to do dumb stuff.” So if the Badgers win it all this year, maybe Ryan could retire and run for Congress?

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Miss Universe Japan, who was apparently born and raised in Nagasaki, is being criticized by some as not Japanese enough because she is biracial. (Mom is Japanese, dad is African-American.) Out of habit, Donald Trump is demanding to see her birth certificate.

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The NFL has announced they are planning a “golden” celebration all year for the upcoming 50th Super Bowl. And of course to attend the game, SERIOUS gold will be required.

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Jason Collins testified today against a bill in Indiana that would allow business owners in the state to deny service to same-sex couples for religious reasons. So will the bill also allow hotel owners to demand to see marriage licenses for couples booking a room? Or proof of being a married couple of childbearing age for Viagra prescriptions? For starters?

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Sad news about Germanwings (4U) 9525. These airline crashes provoke such different reactions: Friends and families are devastated, the travel industry tries to reassure other travelers, and CNN and media are trying not to appear thankful for the ratings boost.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, gay marriage jokes, Harbaugh jokes, Janice Hough, Ted Cruz jokes, Wisconsin jokes

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What’s in a word?

March 22, 2015

So ‪#‎Wisconsin‬ survives to challenge the ‪#‎NCAA‬ stenographer for at least another day. ‪#‎MarchMadness‬ ‪#‎antidisestablishmentarianism‬

(And if you haven’t read aboutf the Badgers and the Stenographer, here’s the link. Might be the best non-Georgia State story of the tournament – http://espn.go.com/blog/collegebasketballnation/post/_/id/105479/nigel-hayes-and-his-wisconsin-teammates-are-fascinated-by-the-ncaa-stenographer)

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Stanford vs Rhode Island tonight in the NIT. Many Cardinal fans tuned in, if only for the memories and replays of a game that actually mattered. “And he was FOULED!”

Stanford holding up ‪#‎Pac12‬ honor in the “Not in Tournament.” So what’s better-worse? Another potential NIT banner? Or being knocked out in the first round of the NCAA’s.

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Ted Cruz apparently will announce his candidacy for the Presidency Monday, skipping the usual step of an “exploratory committee.” Well, makes sense. “Exploratory” sounds too much like science.

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Jerry Brown said today that U.S. Senator Ted Cruz’ is “unfit” to run for President. It’s actually a birther thing. Cruz was born stupid.

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A 46 year old woman was arrested after allegedly stripping on a British Airways flight from Jamaica to London, and then according to the UK Mirror “performing a solo sex act.” Men across the world have one reaction – “Where is the video?”

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NY Yankees are advertising individual game tickets against the “best of the American League”. Translation “which in 2015 will not be us.”

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In Cottonwood, Arizona, eight police officers and a Walmart employee were assaulted in the store parking lot. Two suspects were shot, one fatally, and seven others were arrested. According to a police spokesman, the suspects are all related. ‪#‎Familyvalues‬ Your move, Florida.

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Bloomsburg (Pa.) University dismissed one of their best hitters after he posted a offensive tweet about Mo’ne Davis. (He used the four letter S word that is only marginally better than the four letter C word.)

But okay, once again, the guy is not being dismissed so much for being a sexist pig, but for being idiotic enough to tweet it. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

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John McCain, on CNN, dismissing what “Bibi Netanyahu said during an election campaign.” “If every politician were held to everything they say during a campaign, obviously that would be a topic of long discussion.”

Right, like saying that Sarah Palin was qualified to be President?

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #Marchmadness jokes, airline jokes, Janice Hough, Jerry Brown jokes, NIT jokes, Ted Cruz jokes, Walmart jokes, Yankees jokes

Comments: 4 Comments

Midlife madness.

March 21, 2015

Biggest surprise for casual fans who usually only watch NBA finals but tune into ‪#‎Marchmadness‬: Many white men do play basketball.

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Lots of empty seats at the UAB vs UCLA second round game in Louisville. Guess Iowa State and SMU fans tore up rather than sold their tickets

The SF Chronicle is reporting that the SF Giants, looking at a possible 2015 power drought, want to expand Barry Bonds’ presence with the team. Giants President Larry Baer “we’re trying to do something a little more than just coming down to spring training.” Hmm, like starting in left field?

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Regarding this “party of stupid” thing, have to wonder what the Republicans think they are doing holding up the Loretta Lynch Attorney General nomination. Because until she is confirmed, that job belongs to that GOP “favorite” Eric Holder.

Okay, just guessing a tweet like this has never before been sent by an NFL player. From Baltimore Ravens OL John Urshel: “My paper, A Cascadic Multigrid Algorithm for Computing the Fiedler Vector…, has been published in the Journal of Computational Mathematics.”

And in the SEC they’re thinking, “Big deal, we’ve also had a player or two major in foreign languages.”

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Say it ain’t so. So season six of Downton Abbey will be its last. On the brighter side, at least we don’t have to deal with the horror of watching Lady Mary go through menopause.

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A man was shot at New Orleans Airport yesterday after attacking TSA workers. No word on his name but can’t be a member of last year’s Saints defense – they couldn’t hurt anyone..

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Richard White, the 63 year old Louisiana taxi driver who was shot while assaulting TSA workers at New Orleans Airport, has died. He also apparently was carrying a bag filled with a half-dozen gas-filled Molotov cocktails and a barbecue lighter. Not sure White’s motive, but FOX News’s reaction will no doubt be to criticize Obama for not condemning “radical Islam.”

Gwyneth Paltrow, in an interview with CNN Money this week. “I’m incredibly close to the common woman…. in that I’m a woman, and a mother”. Anyone but me have this evil urge to watch “Sliding Doors” again and have her tragically caught in those closing doors?”

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Steve Nash, 41, is retiring. “So young?” asked Jamie Moyer.

From T.C. “The Canadian Diving Team finished with 5 medals this week at the FINA Diving World Series in Dubai. Montreal Canadiens’ PK Subban, who was fined for his 3rd diving infraction last week by the NHL, was not part of the team in Dubai.”

(For non-Canadians and/or non-hockey fans… substitute Blake Griffin for PK Subban)

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #marchmadness, Downton Abbey jokes, Janice Hough, March madness jokes, NCAA tournament jokes, New Orleans jokes, SEC jokes, SF Giants jokes

Comments: 2 Comments

Cinderella needs to knock off those Thursday night benders?

March 20, 2015

A 17 year old woman was bitten by an alligator in Tampa while swimming in a retention pond near a mall. When will people learn? In Florida, gators ORIGINATED the concept of “standing your ground.”

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Apparently almost 2 percent of entrants in ESPN’s tournament challenge had UCLA advancing to play UAB in the second round. Did they use one of those “quick pick” lottery machines?

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Thursday, Day 1, was wild, but Friday’s potential day 2 Cinderellas may have stayed up partying after midnight last night. ‪#‎noupsets‬ ‪#‎NCAATournament‬

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Happiest people about the lack of upsets on Day 2? Las Vegas bookies who probably took in a lot of last minute upset-money.

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Donald Trump says that as President he promises to make the USA ‘so rich’ that Social Security and Medicare won’t need cuts. So is part of the Donald’s strategy for the country to follow his example and declare bankruptcy four times?

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A new poll shows 36% of adults in the Boston area support the city’s bid to host the 2016 Summer Olympics. That high?

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Eva Mendes yesterday said that the “number one cause of divorce in America” was “sweatpants.” Sweatpants? More like spandex.

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The Oklahoma Thunder are shutting Kevin Durant down indefinitely. Along with their season.

Robert Morris was up 2-0 on Duke today. So maybe we’ve already had the moment that many of the Colonials will later describe as the “one shining moment”of their lives.

Buffalo lost today to West Virginia. Thereby ending a mini-controversy over the team having “New York” on its jersey, even though the state school is a long way from New York City. Wonder how many of the complainers were Jets-Giants fans.

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Wonder if all those people who thought Kentucky was invincible are getting nervous. That 79-56 win over Hampton yesterday didn’t even cover the 33 point spread. ‪#‎Marchmadness‬

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The Oklahoma Thunder announced Kevin Durant has been “removed from basketball activities.” Does that mean they traded him to the Knicks?

From Bill Littlejohn “Johnny Manziel is reportedly doing ‘fantastic’ in rehab. Meanwhile, flags are flying at half-staff on the Las Vegas strip.”

From Gary Bachman. “Barack Obama has made his March Madness picks. Unfortunately, they are unlikely to be confirmed by the Senate.”

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #Marchmadness jokes, Janice Hough, NBA jokes. cinderella jokes, NCAA tournament jokes, spandex jokes

Comments: 2 Comments

For those with busted NCAA brackets – World Country/Leader Brackets

March 19, 2015

This started with a Facebook post. Maybe Americans would pay more attention to world affairs if we put world leaders into brackets.

And since everyone’s brackets are busted anyway. Why not?

Jeff Klein suggests for #1 seeds, “Obviously Obama. Probably Xi Jinping of China, Putin, and maybe Angela Merkel of Germany. Merkel would probably be the #1 everyone would say shouldn’t be there.”

But hey, okay, Israel-Palestine for a hotly contested #8 vs. #9 seed.

England with a mid-level seed, feeling like they should move up. Because they expect a new royal baby player coming in off the bench.

India as a high seed facing Pakistan?

Bruce N. suggests “China would just go into “Hack-A-Barack” mode earlyon since they’ve got a deep bench.”
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Trump of course would be angling for a play-in game. Etc.

Okay, anyone reading this. Have fun. And good luck with Friday’s brackets.

Categories: Uncategorized

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It’s clearly his fault….

March 19, 2015

Texas Southern – gone, SMU – gone, Texas – gone, Baylor – gone. Last time the state of Texas had a day this bad, the Alamo was involved.

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Stephen F. Austin makes a strong showing but joins Thursday’s Texas ‪#‎MarchMadness‬ loss parade. How long will it take Ted Cruz to blame Obama?

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So many upsets and busted brackets that with their lack of productivity today, American office workers are being named honorary members of Congress. ‪#‎MarchMadness‬

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That stampeding sound you hear is every potential GOP Presidential candidate rushing to tell Iowans “I feel your pain.” ‪

(UAB over Iowa State.)

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Looking good for cat brackets. Georgia State is the Panthers. (Two most common reactions across America – “Georgia State has a Panther mascot?” “Georgia State has a team?”)

How many of their nine lives did ‪#Bearcats‬ use in beating ‪#‎Purdue‬? And thus earning a beat down by Kentucky.

But really, Bearcats are not real cats. But that last Cincinnati shot at the buzzer in regulation sure looked like voodoo was involved. ‪#‎Marchmadness‬

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It has been an absolute consensus that ‪#‎UCLA‬ did not belong in the ‪#‎NCAATournament‬. Apparently neither did ‪#‎SMU‬

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Getting into the NCAA tournament when with their record they belonged in the NIT, then winning on a disputed goal tending call on a 3-point shot. Well, maybe God IS a UCLA Bruin. Or maybe he/she REALLY doesn’t like that east coast bias.

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Larry Brown says Kentucky could make the playoffs in the NBA East. Coach John Calipari is thinking “Make the playoffs in the East? That’s absurd. We should be at least a five seed.”

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Liza Minnelli is back in rehab. At this point is she getting a frequent stay discount?

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The SF Giants announced that Angel Pagan is having back issues, will need an injection, and will miss at least another three games. So congrats to everyone who had March 19 in the pool.

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President Obama yesterday publicly mulled the idea of mandatory voting. Why go to the trouble of making it the law? Just give everyone who votes a lottery ticket…. The USA would be at 90% turnout in no time.

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Israel PM Benjamin Netanyahu, after promising during his campaign that there would be no Palestinian state, today said “I don’t want a one-state solution. I want a sustainable, peaceful two-state solution…” So I guess he has more in common with American politicians than many of us thought.

Left Coast Sports Babe

Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ category

Opening Day- Closing night

And then there were 2.

Easter thoughts…

Is Wilson available?

States of confusion.

Fight on!

Dampening the celebration?

Room for one more?

Springing about a yard – or a century – forward?

Up in smoke.

About that bridge…

Wrong numbers?

Immortality and other options.

What’s in a word?

Midlife madness.

Cinderella needs to knock off those Thursday night benders?

For those with busted NCAA brackets – World Country/Leader Brackets

It’s clearly his fault….

Beating the odds?

Bad seeds?

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