Archive for the ‘GOP jokes’ category

Movie night.

February 17, 2016

“Being There,” “The Ides of March,” “Bulworth,” “Man of the Year”.. etc. Thinking after 2016 they may never again be able to make a satirical movie about running for President, since art will never be the equal of life.

 

Nothing is certain but death, taxes and NEVER counting ‪#‎Duke‬ out against ‪#‎NorthCarolina‬

 

Apparently millennials bought over 40% of the wine sold in the US last year. Well, they certainly did over 80% of the whining.

President Obama’s in his 2017 budget proposal has removed $10 million in funding for “abstinence-only” sexual education classes in public schools. Makes sense, save the money for where it is really needed for those kids – education on being parents.

#‎NottheOnion‬ Glenn Beck today called into a radio show to say that God had allowed Justice Scalia to die now to try to wake the American people up – “See how close your liberty is to being lost ” and to get them to elect Ted Cruz.
And God is saying, “Don’t blame me, I haven’t done anything that bat-shit crazy since I created the platypus.”

 

The Yankees are banning print-at-home tickets; they are trying to battle with Stubhub for selling tickets cheaper than the team for some games. Well, it’s understandable, I suppose, such a small market team needs to pinch every penny.

A new FDA study found that many brands of “100% grated Parmesan cheese” contained significant amounts of cellulose (wood fiber), and that Target’s Market Pantry brand had no parmesan at all (it had other cheese plus cellulose.) Well, and the cheese still might be more authentic than many dishes at Olive Garden.

An American Airlines plane clipped the tail of a Southwest Airlines jet yesterday morning at Detroit Metropolitan Airport. Wonder if the pilots were texting at the time?

 

El Chapo is complaining that life behind bars is “turning me into a zombie.” So will his next prison break be titled the “Zombie Apocalypse?”

American Idol’s last season continues but we still can’t vote yet.  Sort of like the pre-primary polling for this Presidential election, but not quite as much fun of a circus.

Apparently neither Justice Scalia nor his friends paid for that trip to the luxury ranch last weekend,  and the ranch owner had business before the Supreme Court.  But it’s okay, because the people who are most livid about that are the same ones slamming Hillary Clinton for her paid speeches to Wall Street etc…  #sarcasm

 

A fake news story is making the rounds about a man dying in a meth lab explosion after setting his own farts on fire. But you know, it’s Florida, so it could be true.

Ted Cruz, born in Calgary as the son of a Cuban father and an American mother , said ‘I’ve never breathed a breath of air on this world not as a U.S. citizen It was the act of birth that made me a U.S. citizen.”
Right, even though Cruz lived in Canada until he was four, and didn’t renounce Canadian citizenship until 2014. Somewhere in the White House, Barack Obama is giggling.

Now Nike has dumped Manny Paquaio over his comments comparing homosexuals to animals, which included him saying, .”Have you seen any animal having male-to-male or female-to-female relations?
Well, leaving aside Paquaio forgetting a cardinal rule – gay consumers spend $$$$ – actually if he did any research at all he would know many animals DO display homosexual behavior. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Nikki Haley is endorsing Marco Rubio in the South Carolina primary. Stand by for Trump attacks on the S.C. governor in 3.2.1….

S.C. GOP Congressman Trey Gowdy is upset about a fake Facebook post saying he endorsed Ted Cruz: “It appears that the campaign of Sen. Ted Cruz may not place the same value on waging a contest based on the truth and facts.”
And the rest of the GOP field responds “What are these ‘truth and facts’ you speak of?”

Sing it.

February 16, 2016

Not sure what makes me feel older at Grammys, the “in memoriams” or all these major acts I have never heard of.

 

You know it’s bad when the ‪#‎SuperBowl‬ halftime show had better audio than the ‪#‎GRAMMYs‬

 

#‎Hamilton‬ wins Grammy for best musical theater album. Good for them. but this could really make tickets hard to get.

#‎TaylorSwift‬‘s “Out of the Woods” was received so well at tonight’s ‪#‎GRAMMYs‬ she’ll need to find a new boyfriend to break up with to top it.

For all those who say that Peyton Manning is getting a pass from the media over his past sexual assault allegation because he is white, I give you the adulation also now given at the end of his career to Kobe Bryant.

 

Dylan McCaffrey, a QB and the younger brother of Christian, has committed to Michigan. Good for Jim Harbaugh. But an important note – Stanford didn’t make him an offer.

Sign of the apocalypse? USA today is projecting the ‪#‎Cubs‬ to win 101 games.#

Anyone but me want to see ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬ & ‪#‎KanyeWest‬ try to get together and see if their egos will fit in the same room?

Hoping those folks who claimed to be offended by Beyonce at ‪#‎SuperBowl‬ are listening to ‪#‎GRAMMYs‬ tonight with picture off. #seriouslyskimpyclothing

Kanye West says he’s $53 million in debt. If true “I feel so sorry for him,” said nobody.

So if Kanye West’s really $53 million in debt will he declare bankruptcy? If so, maybe that will be the first step for Kanye to show he’s serious about running for President.

Who says Californians don’t have weather problems in February? Why, after leaving my car in a shopping center parking lot today for an hour I had to turn the fan on driving home to cool it down….

So Antonin Scalia was reportedly found with a pillow over his head, but looking “peaceful” and his family waived an autopsy. ‪#‎BlameObama‬ conspiracy theories in 3-2-1…..

 

Jeb Bush is taking some grief for having his brother campaign for him in South Carolina. But after watching recent GOP debates, have to figure a lot of Americans are thinking W. doesn’t look so bad by comparison. ‪#‎maybedumbbutnotbatshitcrazy‬

Got to love targeted advertising. Clicked on a story about major Comcast outages across the country, and then almost immediately got a Yahoo ad to switch to Comcast.

Even Anthony Weiner is beginning to think that ‪#‎EliotSpitzer‬ has serious issues with women.

Marco Rubio’s latest ad referenced Reagan’s 1984 “Morning in America” ad. Except the footage was from…. Vancouver! Is Rubio trying to be Ted Cruz’s running mate?

Apparently the Democrats don’t want to debate on Fox News. I don’t know. Seems like a fine opportunity for both Hillary and Bernie to show they’re tough enough to stand up to Megyn Kelly.

RIP from RBG

February 14, 2016

In the midst of all the craziness, this comment from Ruth Bader Ginsberg on Antonin Scalia is worth repeating. “I disagreed with most of what he said, but I loved the way he said it.”

So at ‪#‎Scalia‬‘s funeral will Clarence Thomas honor his late colleague by not saying a few words?

 –
#‎TedCruz‬ says the next President should nominate ‪#‎Scalia‬‘s replacement. So congrats to all those who had “about 10 minutes” in the pool.

Wind chill in liberal Massachusetts tonight down to at least 35 below. Maybe some in the GOP shouldn’t have said it would be a cold day in hell when Obama would get to nominate another Supreme Court justice.

Padmanabhan Srikanth “Sri” Srinivasan – google him. Confirmed 97-0 on the US Court of Appeals. Obama could make things very difficult both for the GOP and reporters/copy editors.

 

So all these GOP yahoos demanding we wait until the election and to let the next President pick the next Supreme Court justice, does this mean that if a Republican is elected, they think he should not be able to fill any potential SCOTUS opening in the 2nd half of his term?

We interrupt politics for a bulletin from Pebble Beach. Phil Mickleson is leading the AT&T Pro-Am by 2 strokes after 3 rounds. Even Jamie Moyer is thinking “That dude is old.”

Jenrry Mejia has been banned permanently from MLB for his 3rd PED suspension. Clearly Mejia should have focused on trying to play NFL football, where he’d be back again after a few games.

More of the “stuff” you can’t make up: In New York, Central Park’s ice festival was canceled today, due to extreme cold.
(And in Minnesota they’re just giggling.)

Kentucky men’s basketball coach John Calipari was ejected two minutes and 26 seconds into today’s game against South Carolina. 146 seconds?!! That’s only about as long as his players spend in class.

 

As a retirement gift, Michael Jordan gave Kobe Bryant a full set of all 30 sneakers released so far in the Air Jordan line. A very nice gift. Although at this point Kobe almost has enough money to have been able to buy them himself.

For that matter, will those in the GOP who say a president should not be able to nominate a Supreme Court judge in the last year of his term, also say that a president cannot negotiate important deals and treaties etc in that last year. Leaderofthefreeworldforthefirsthalfofhisorherterm‬?

Mitch McConnell -“The American people should have a voice in the selection of their next Supreme Court Justice. Therefore, this vacancy should not be filled until we have a new President.” Uh, didn’t the American people exercise their voice by electing President Obama? Twice.

Ted Cruz’s campaign is dealing with some fallout because they accidentally used a porn actress in on of their commercials. Such an ad would never be released by Hillary Clinton’s campaign – Bill would recognize the actress first.

Watching these debates makes many Americans wish that Jed Bartlett was president. Heck, watching these debates makes many Americans wish Frank Underwood was president.

 

Comparing tonight’s GOP debate to a kindergarten playground is an insult to kindergarteners.

Somewhere Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders had to be watching this ‪#‎GOPDebate‬ and just giggling.

 

 

 

 

So will those in the GOP who say a president should not be able to nominate a Supreme Court judge in the last year of his term, also say that a president cannot negotiate important deals and treaties etc in the last year of his term? ‪#‎Leaderofthefreeworldforthefirsthalfofhisorherterm‬?

The price of everything.

February 12, 2016

Mets reliever Jenrry Mejia has been permanently suspended by MLB after his third PED suspension, the all since April 2015. Being caught three times in a year? That’s not a suspension for PEDs, that’s a suspension for stupidity.

Jim Harbaugh and his staff racked up $136,000.in private jet costs during a two week recruiting window this January. And if Michigan beats Ohio State, school officials and alums will consider that a bargain.

Louisiana is facing a $940 million deficit, New Gov. John Bel Edwards has said without tax increases, there will be massive layoffs and canceled classes at state campuses. Meaning that students attending those universities “will receive a grade of incomplete, many students will not be able to graduate and student athletes across the state at those schools will be ineligible to play next semester. That means you can say farewell to college football next fall.”
Okay, not sure his future political aspirations, but THIS is a man who knows how to play hardball.

 

Bryce Harper, asked about a potential $400 million contract, responded “don’t sell me short.” So does that mean Harper is expecting to be a Yankee or Dodger some day?

Regarding the Mavericks surfing championship.  I’m all for choice but how many sports make moms wish their kids did some safer sport like football?

The Parents of former Jackie Robinson West baseball players have sued Little League and ESPN, saying they knew some children might be ineligible but “chose to ignore and/or deliberately conceal these facts in order to garner higher ratings, publicity, and money.”
So even though the team was caught cheating with residency, but still got a White House and MLB World Series trip out of the deal, this suit says they were wronged. And we wonder why Americans hate lawyers.

Kanye West now says about his tirade against Taylor Swift that “bitch” is a term of endearment. Right, I’m sure he calls Kim that all the time….

Just to prove the U.S. doesn’t have a monopoly on political circuses, I bring you this story from Japan, where the first MP who tried to take paternity leave has resigned. After a magazine broke the story that during his wife’s pregnancy, he had an affair with a bikini model….

A Florida woman was charged with child neglect after her dad found her naked, drunk (.305 blood alcohol level, not a typo) and unconscious while she was babysitting a young child. ‪#‎ifonlyshewasarmed‬

In San Francisco, a place called Equator Coffee was selling cups of coffee made from Finca Sophia beans for $15. And they sold out. And we wonder why other countries hate us?

Former Virginia Gov. Jim Gilmore dropped out of the 2016 Presidential race. Shocking millions of Americans who had no idea he was running.

So Marco Rubio, who has spoken only eight times on the Senate floor since January, 2015, still spends $60,000 a year for a speechwriter. Isn’t this like Donald Trump employing a fact-checker?

The Pope today in Cuba had a meeting with the head of the Russian Orthodox church, their first conversation in almost 1,000 years. So maybe there’s hope for Democrats and Republicans.

Barry Manilow, 72, has had to cancel concerts after he was told not to speak or sing for a while after throat surgery. “What a shame” said millions of women and gay men and about three of their spouse

 

 

 

From Marc Ragovin  “So W will be campaigning for Jeb in South Carolina. I hope for Jeb’s sake he shows more brotherly love than Eli Manning.”

Birdbrains?

January 20, 2016

#‎SarahPalin‬ has endorsed ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬. Well, narcissists of a feather…..

Or maybe Palin just likes Trump’s style, between his bankruptcies and divorces, Donald has does a fair share of quitting himself.

Not that I am a fan of the Patriots nor their QB, but Broncos DE Antonio Smith says Brady’s a crybaby because “I’ve never seen any quarterback look to the referee right after he gets sacked.more” So instead of Brady whining to the ref, Smith is whining to the media? ‪#‎potmeetkettle‬

 

So forecasters are predicting a major storm MIGHT dump over a foot of snow on the East Coast. Or it might not . “Depending on where this tracks, we could see a ton of snow or we could see nothing,” said National Weather Service Kevin Kacan.
But why let possibilities get in the way of a good media panic-fest?

Airline brilliance in action: Have a client on an American flight, at airport hours early, wide-open earlier flight, and they say $75 to get on it. Whereas the flight he is on, with a decent seat, is more full, and has no aisles left, so they could at least resell the seat assignment. And these carriers wonder why people hate them.

Sarah Palin’s 26-year-old divorced son Track was arrested last night for allegedly punching and kicking his girlfriend, while apparently waving a gun around. ‪#‎familyvalues‬ ‪#‎ifonlySHEwerearmed‬

Donald Trump seems unconcerned about his referring to a line from the bible as “Two Corinthians” rather than “Second Corinthians.” Although it does seem with Trumps followers that he could say Jesus married Mary Magdalene and they’d shrug it off too.

More on the Donald’s and his Corinthians (“Two”vs. “Second”). You would think that someone who has been married as often as Trump would remember how it goes. Because “First Corinthians” is quoted at so many weddings “Love is patient, love is kind…

The President of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences says she is “heartbroken and frustrated” about this year’s nominees, and they will “dramatic steps to alter the makeup of our membership.” So it just occurred to them that 94% Caucasian and 77% male with an average age of 62 isn’t great for diversity?

Okay, now ‪#‎affluenza‬ teen Ethan Couch’s lawyer is claiming his client may have been taken “involuntarily to Mexico.” Right, as if that young man would pay attention to any adult, including his mother.

 

 

The password management company SplashData has come up with a list of the most popular passwords. Numbers 1-6 are, in order, 123456, password, 12345678, qwerty, 12345, and 123456789.

Thinking if you have any of those, you’re eligible for the hacking equivalent of a Darwin award.

 

An Italian surgeon is seeking donations to perform the world’s first ever human head transplant. No shortage of opportunities no doubt for head volunteers – based on some recent polls seems certain a lot of Americans aren’t using theirs.

Although, whatever you think of this election it will be a very nice change when the front-runners are actually decided by actual VOTES, as opposed to polls. For what it’s worth, in both England and Canada’s recent elections pollsters were badly wrong. And for that matter, they didn’t do that well on last fall’s U.S. elections either.

 

Timing is everything?

January 13, 2016

The NFL is moving back to Los Angeles. So will LA Rams football fans who are also Dodgers fans arrive in 2nd quarter & leave in 3rd?

 

United Airlines has sent an email to frequent fliers, excitedly touting their new free snack in domestic economy class. Either a half ounce package of savory mix or a stroopwafel  (dutch caramel) cookie.  Is the airline trying to induce “Stockholm Syndrome?”

Hue Jackson has apparently decided to become the head coach at Cleveland. Just how bad has the 49ers franchise become that the Browns look like a better option?

So the going rate for a new NFL stadium seems to be about a billion dollars. Does this mean tonight’s Powerball winner can if they want have the Raiders?

Missouri has vacated their men’s college basketball wins from the 2013-14 and will not be eligible for this year’s postseason due to “major violations.” Meanwhile, Frank Haith, who coached during most of the violations, is happily coaching at an unsanctioned (for now) Tulsa. Ain’t NCAA justice grand?

The search for MH370 in the Indian Ocean has turned up an 19th century shipwreck. And CNN is asking hopefully “Was it a cruise ship?”

Iran has freed 10 U.S.sailors they detained for straying into their waters. Many in the GOP are furious. The sailors weren’t even held long enough for them to blame Obama.

Former NFL RB Lawrence Phillips was found dead in his California prison cell early Wednesday, a suspected suicide. Not my better angels here but – “What a shame,” said nobody.

Chris Christie has not only become anti-choice, he now denies ever making Planned Parenthood donations. Except this is the 1994 quote, from his pro-choice days. “I support Planned Parenthood privately with my personal contribution and that should be the goal of any such agency, to find private donations.”
Uh, Christie can’t just say “I have become pro-life and as such I realized I can’t support them anymore?” ‪#‎cantfixstupid

The angry reaction from some Republicans on Nikki Haley’s speech doesn’t illustrate the difference between the conservative and moderate wings of the GOP: it illustrates the difference between the conservative and bat-shit crazy wings of the GOP.

Bus to hell time – One of the men occupying that Oregon Wildlife refuge is unhappy that some responding to their call for supplies have been sending dildos. So what’s the problem, the occupiers also want K-Y jelly?

 

-reader Bill asks  “Just wondering? Do you think we could find Jimmy Hoffa if Rolling Stone could set up an interview with Sean Penn?”

(i wonder, maybe Penn could have helped us save a lot of money finding Bin Laden)

A little knowledge

January 10, 2016

Amazing. The same people who suddenly become experts on “triple axels” after watching two days of figure skating in the Olympics now are experts on where the laces should be on a field goal kick.

 

Donald Trump’s latest: NFL referees throw flags to impress their wives watching at home. ‘It (football) has become soft, and our country has become soft.'”
Remember those Furbys – were electronic pets that came up with all kinds of randomly correlated nonsense? Beginning to seem like one of them is running for President.

After this weekend, four NFL teams likely never to watch “Wizard of Oz” again – “There’s no place like home, my ass.” ‪#‎WildCardWeekend‬

The temperature was well below zero for Sunday’s  ‪#‎SEAvsMIN‬ game. Might have been almost as cold as White House family dinners after Hillary found out Monica was telling the truth.

So who will be the first ‪#‎GOP‬ candidate to blame today’s Washington game on Obama? ‪#‎GBvsWAS‬

The 49ers reportedly may hire Bengals offensive coordinator Hue Jackson as their new coach. Well, after yesterday’s Cincinnati meltdown, SF probably looks like less of a train wreck by comparison.

Watching the political craziness now thinking that had only the Stanford band decided to mock the Iowa caucuses instead of farmers, they’d be getting near universal applause.

Carly Fiorina missed yesterday’s GOP forum supposedly due to “travel issues.” Hmm. Maybe Carly missed a flight while trying hard to figure out which Wild Card NFL team came from the state with the earliest primary, so she could say even though she lives in California she was rooting for them?

 

Awful miss for Blair Walsh on what would have been his fourth field goal of the night, which would have probably won the game for the Vikings. But okay, four field goal attempts?! If Minnesota’s offense gets the ball into the end zone ONCE that kick is unnecessary. ‪#‎plentyofblametogoaround‬

Donald Trump today said he takes being compared to P.T.Barnum as a compliment. And indeed, the Donald isn’t aiming to “fool all of the people all of the time”, just over 50% or a plurality in the election.

Donald Trump is ramping up his birther attacks now on Ted Cruz. Once again, the Donald should be careful, seems pretty unlikely that furry thing that lives on his head was born in the U.S.

 

The President of Volkswagen said “We are not a criminal brand.” A criminal brand, no, a band of criminals, maybe.

Bus to hell time.   So a personal foul made the difference in setting up the Steelers’ game winning field goal.  Any other women find it ironic that alleged rapist wins a playoff game because another man was penalized for a stupid brutal act? ‪#‎PITvsCIN‬

Born lucky?

January 9, 2016

“Star Wars: The Force Awakens” has now made Harrison Ford the highest-grossing actor in US box office history. Of course, the way this franchise is going, #2 might be the guy who plays Chewbacca.

Florida congressman Alan Grayson says he will sue over Canadian-born Ted Cruz’s eligibility to be President if Cruz wins the GOP presidential nomination. And somewhere in D.C.Barack Obama is just giggling.

Justin Bieber was kicked out of the archaeological site, Tulum, after he reportedly showed up with beer cans, tried to climb off-limits ruins, and took a selfie with his underpants down. Following upon the antics of Ethan Couch, Mexico’s going to start thinking seriously about that border fence. ‪#‎affluenza‬

The “Affluenza” teen’s mom Tonya Couch has according to a Texas sheriff, “expressed a slight displeasure about her accommodations” in jail. “I feel so sorry for her,” said absolutely, positively, nobody.

Texas Governor Greg Abbott now wants to amend the U.S. Constitution so that states can ignore the Federal government. Fine, does that also mean the Feds are off the hook for those states’ disaster relief?

Prolia, a drug to fight osteoporosis in post-menopausal women, does television commercials with the usual laundry-list of fine print warnings. Including this one – “do not take Prolia if you are pregnant or trying to become pregnant.” ‪#‎whythereisnosatire‬

The stock market just had its worst week ever to start a year. But the jobs report said the U.S. added 2.65 million jobs in 2015, its 2nd best year since 1999. So I think I’ve figured it out: The former is all Obama’s fault, the latter had nothing to do with him

A man who ate nothing but Chipotle for 186 days says he has cut back to occasional meals there now. Who knew, these days McDonald’s seems like the healthy option?

Chris Christie, who in 1995 campaigned for NJ State Senate as a supporter of an assault weapons ban. Now he says he’s “changed his mind.”
You know, I’d believe these folks a little more if they ever changed their minds in a way that didn’t put them more in line with their party’s base.

DeSean Jackson on the Eagles’ firing coach Chip Kelly: “I’m a firm believer that bad karma comes back on you.” And so will Ms. Karma make sure Kelly ends up with the 49ers next?

As of Jan 1, licensed gun owners in Texas can now openly carry guns into state mental hospitals. Your move, Florida. ‪#‎whatcouldpossiblygowrong‬

#ElChapo‬ has been caught again in Mexico. Too soon to start a pool on the date of his next jail break?

 

But really, so they are putting El Chapo back into the exact last jail he escaped from? Even in Florida they are saying “Are you nuts?”

 

 

 

 

Maine Governor Paul LePage, ranting about Maine’s drug problem and blaming traffickers: “These are guys with the name D-Money, Smoothie, Shifty … they come from Connecticut and NY, they come up here, they sell their heroin, they go back home ..half the time they impregnate a young, white girl before they leave, which is a real sad thing because then we have another issue we have to deal with down the road.”

Wow., that’s offensive enough you have to wonder if LePage has dreams of being Trump’s running mate.

A cold day…

January 7, 2016

 

The Minnesota Vikings are warning their fans that temperatures are expected to hit a high of 1 degree on Sunday. And Green Bay fans are thinking “1 degree? We could wear shorts.”

Lots of expert predictions on this weekend’s NFL playoff games. And we should listen to all those experts because they all predicted the hosts for these games would be Houston, Cincinnati, Minnesota and Washington?!

So now Johnny Manziel has been cited for driving with expired license plates. Even JaMarcus Russelll is saying “Dude, get it together.”.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers fired Lovie Smith, who was their third coach in five years. Somewhere even George Steinbrenner is thinking, “Jeez, show a little patience.”

Missed the ‪#‎Powerball‬ numbers last night by six. And I didn’t even play.

The next Powerball lottery jackpot will approach $700 million, resulting in turn millions of new players.  Because $400 million just doesn’t buy what it used to?

House Speaker Paul Ryan on what the GOP needs to do to win: “We have to show people what our principles are and how we apply those principles to the problems of the day to offer people real solutions”
And most of the Presidential candidates are going “Principles?”

One big problem faced by the the ‪#‎SF49ers‬ in their coaching search – any coach who is smart enough for the job, is probably also smart enough not to take it. ‪#‎trainwreck‬

Since their spring semester has started, Clemson asked for and got an NCAA waiver from a rule today which prevents “in-session” schools from practicing or holding team meetings for more than four hours per day or 20 hours per week. The school said players will miss class “only with professor approval.” And of course if any professor denies approval it would only be a coincidence if that professor is denied tenure.

A man handed a Bradenton hospital employee a wrapped burrito he said was for a patient. The employee checked and found that inside the burrito was a syringe of heroin. Back on your game, Florida. ‪#‎andyouthoughtguacamolewasaddicting‬?

A man handed a Bradenton hospital employee a wrapped burrito he said was for a patient. The employee checked and found that inside the burrito was a syringe of heroin. Back on your game, Florida. ‪#‎andyouthoughtguacamolewasaddicting‬

House Speaker Paul Ryan said that Obama’s executive actions on guns were “a distraction” and that the President should be focused on fighting terrorism. But hey now, that 62nd repeal attempt for Obamacare, THAT was important.

Interesting that ‪#‎JohnMcCain‬ stated strongly that ‪#‎BarackObama‬ was an American but he’s not so sure about ‪#‎TedCruz‬

 

Hillary Clinton, asked this week about extra-terrestrials, said “I think we may have been visited already” by aliens. “We don’t know for sure.” Heck, for all we know, one or two of them may be running for President.

From my funny friend Jerry Perisho “Ken Griffey, Jr. was voted into the Baseball Hall of Fame. On his way to the podium, he pulled a hamstring and was placed on the disabled list.”

 

All wet.

January 6, 2016

It’s just one storm series. Still a bit odd when you live in California and the newspaper story about the state still being in a drought is hard to read — because the paper got soaked clear through the plastic this morning.

The NFL is reportedly looking for 500 volunteers to help assembly the half-time stage for the Super Bowl. They expect the time commitment to be at least 33 hours counting rehearsals, and no, a game ticket is not included. But hey, if you’ve started out the New Year in a charitable mood. The league IS a nonprofit…. ‪#‎whythereisnosatire‬

The Rams in their NFL relocation bid to return to Los Angeles do some serious St. Louis bashing. Well, this ought to be fun when the Dodgers come to Busch Stadium this year to play the Cardinals.

 

 

#‎KenGriffeyJr‬ was elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame with 99.3% of the vote. So would the .7% (3 voters)  like to explain their reasons?

 

Meanwhile, Mike Piazza. who admitted taking at least “andro,”  proved that the writers think that a “good” guy with PEDs beats a “bad” guy with PED’s?

Ammon Bundy, the Oregon militia leader, says he is “following directions from God.” And God says, “Don’t blame me, I have nothing to do with this a**hole.”

 

Sean Payton says he is staying in New Orleans, “I can’t imagine me ever coaching another team.” So guess it’s “the Devil and Saints you know.

Some skepticism on North Korea’s alleged H-bomb test, even though it allegedly caused seismic activity. Maybe the earthquake was caused by Kim Jong Il throwing a temper tantrum?

Libertarian Gary Johnson said today he is running again for President in 2016. Not that he has a chance, but no doubt Johnson is already outpolling at least 2-3 GOP candidates.

 

Gov. Sam Brownback of Kansas just tweeted “Congrats Alex Gordon, with your new contract you’ll save about $1.8 million by living in KS instead of CA.”
Right, and then most winters Gordon can spend much of that $1.8 million getting out of Kansas. (And the Royals DO play in Missouri.)

 

Macy’s says they will eliminate more than 4,500 jobs. And then presumably they will have a “One Day Layoff Sale?”

 

An 8-year-old girl is recovering in the hospital after she fell off a ski lift at Squaw Valley near Lake Tahoe. The girl apparently was not using the chair’s safety-restraint bar. Sure hope her parents don’t decide to sue for the resort not making her use the bar….

Joe Biden says of his decision not to run for President in 2016. “I regret it every day.” I wonder if this has anything to do with the fact that Twitter may be expanding their tweets from 140 to 10,000 characters.

On their 62nd try, Congress passed a repeal of the Affordable Care Act and sent it to the President to veto. So now they can return to attacking Obama for, amongst other things, wasting taxpayer money.

From my funny friend  Alex Kaseberg  – Steve Harvey would like to personally congratulate Jose Canseco on his selection to the Hall of Fame.

High crimes and misdemeanors?

December 29, 2015

Ohio State RB Ezekiel Elliott says now he didn’t know his driver’s license had been suspended and “I’m doing everything I can now, my dad is doing everything he can now to get that handled and get my license back in good standing.” Uh, just guessing but maybe his dad taking care of things has been part of the problem?

The San Diego Chargers fined Eric Weddle $10,000 and placed him on IR for staying on the sidelines to watch his 7 year-old daughter perform at halftime instead of being with the team on Dec. 20 against Miami. Really, if he had only been in the locker room surreptitiously watching porn on his phone instead…..

Cleveland Browns coach Mike Pettine says he will ” have a conversation” with Johnny Manziel after the QB’s most recent social media partying post. What, and tell Manziel if he does this 5-6 more times there will be serious consequences?

 

The Olive Garden at Times Square, with a “limited view” of the ball drop, is charging $400 for a New Year’s Eve buffet with open bar. Which basically means about $10 for the food, $40 for the drinks, and $350 for a bathroom.

Former New York Gov. George Pataki is dropping out of the race for the GOP Presidential nomination. All together now – “who?!”

Whole Foods has settled with New York over allegations of overcharging and will pay the City $500,000. Wonder how much the store will have to raise prices to cover the fine?

Theater today advertising special ‪#‎StarWars‬ themed pet toys for furry friends who can’t come to movie with you. ‪#‎maythefarcebewithyou‬ ‪#‎overthetop‬?

 

Not a spoiler but anyone but me think  for all the talk about ‪#‎CarrieFisher‬ she’s aged better than ‪#‎HarrisonFord‬? ‪#‎TheForceAwake

 

Now Trump has retweeted a photo-shopped picture of Jed Bush supposedly picking his nose. So guess we have the answer to the question “Can his campaign get any more sophomoric?”

 

Dallas Cowboys owner and GM Jerry Jones on Tuesday says he doesn’t plan any major changes going into 2016. Which is awesome news. For comedy writers and the rest of the NFC LEast.

Steve Harvey is being a good sport about his Miss Universe flub. And it’s paying off for him. Why, I’ve heard Harvey has been asked to come to New York for the New Year’s Eve 2014 Ball Drop.

“Affluenza” teenager Ethan Couch and his mother were apprehended today in Puerto Vallartta. Now here’s an interesting question – how many undocumented Mexican immigrants do we have to allow to stay in the US before Mexico would agree to keep him?

Now that “Affluenza” teenager Ethan Couch has been nabbed, waiting for some Mexican politician to say Mexico needs to tighten their borders because Americans are clearly not sending their best.

So apparently the “affluenza” teen and his mom were caught in Puerto Vallarta when they used their cellphone to order a Domino’s pizza. This has to be a ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ X 2. One, for not realizing a cellphone can work as a tracking device, two, all the money in the world and you order pizza from Domino’s?!!

Looking back

December 28, 2015

Kobe Bryant,  asked about going back in time to offer advice to himself as a rookie said “compassion & empathy.”   And presumably don’t order room service?

The Arizona Cardinals look so good this year you have to wonder if Cuba Gooding, Jr. isn’t somehow involved. ‪#‎Showmethemoney‬ ‪#‎JerryMaguire‬

Atlanta Falcons beat the previously undefeated Carolina Panders  give the 72 Miami Dolphins cause to ask their kids or grandkids to open those pesky champagne bottles for them.

So many bowls this year that are akin to participation trophies with both teams aspiring to mediocrity. By that token the 49ers-Lions match-up should be an honorary bowl game.

 

Thom Brennaman, announcing SF-Detroit today – ‘”When you make mistakes like we’ve seen the 49ers make in this game, it’s not a surprise that they’ve won four games this year.”
Well, actually you do wonder how they managed to win those four games.

Houston beat up on Tennessee behind Brandon Weeden. How can you not root for a team led by a QB cut last month by the Dallas Cowboys? (who ended up doing SO well without him)

Stephen Colbert said today “Donald Trump is like — I’m not the first person to say this, but I completely agree — that he’s my old character with 10 billion dollars.” Except that we could laugh at Colbert without it hurting.

 

At a Walmart this week, a woman was arrested for allegedly shooting up meth and then riding a motorized shopping car through the store while drinking wine, eating sushi, cinnamon rolls and rotisserie chicken. Do I even have to say “Florida?”

And of course, to be fair, Walmart sushi might be more dangerous than the meth.

A Louisville mall had to close early last night because of almost 2,000 disorderly teens wreaking havoc in the shopping center. ‪#‎Ifonlytheywerearmed‬

 

A Southwest Airlines flight from Sacramento to Denver tonight was diverted to Oakland Sunday evening after they had “pressurization issues.” So which airline will be the first to add a “pressurization” fee?

“The Force Awakens” has passed $1 billion at the global box office. And Disney is now researching ways to help Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher live to be at least 100. ‪#‎Episode27‬?

Donald Trump today is accusing Bill Clinton of sexism. And both the pot and kettle are doubled over in hysterics.

Supposedly Hillary and Bill Clinton joined Chelsea, her husband Marc and baby Charlotte on a walk around mid-town Manhattan today and even stopped in a bookstore. Unbelievable, as if in mid-town Manhattan any bookstore could still exist and afford the rent

Finally.  Seriously.  Damn, R.I.P. Dave Henderson, 57. Impossible to dislike, even when he played for a team you hated. Going to be a lot livelier during those softball games in heaven.

Holiday cheer hangover?

December 27, 2015

Apparently the 3rd biggest Kickstarter Campaign of 2015 was a card game called “Exploding Kittens.” For all those who find “Cards Against Humanity” just a little too PC?

 

A new Al Jazeera report names several prominent athletes including Peyton Manning, Ryan Howard and Ryan Zimmerman as having received HGH. Thinking again it’s about time to put a big asterisk outside the Hall of Fame(s) and be done with it.

In Texas, three grocery stores, including local chain H.E.B., Whole Foods and Safeway, have said they will opt out of the state’s new open-carry law, which takes effect Jan 1. So folks who like to police their fellow shoppers will just have to find another way to enforce that “15 items or less” rule.

At LaGuardia Airport, after reports of smoke coming from a Spirit Airlines aircraft, more than 200 passengers were evacuated without injury. Even though many disobeyed flight attendant instructions to leave their carry-on bags on the plane.
How foolish, leaving aside the safety issues no doubt Spirit would have charged them another fee to bring the bags back on board.

 

The Philadelphia Eagles not only gave away the game tonight with all their penalties and turnovers, they probably took away a potential  classic great Internet meme featuring the Kirk Cousins “knee doesn’t quite equal spike” play.

Groupon is offering a deal for half price on two dozen Krispy Kreme doughnuts. So you can get a head star on breaking your New Year’s resolutions.

Cellphones do allow us to do many things easier and more quickly, including qualifying for Darwin awards: In San Diego a man who was looking at his phone on Christmas Day just walked off a cliff. Literally. Hope the guy’s friends and family kept the receipts for his presents. ‪#‎bustohell‬

FSU senior QB Everett Golson, who transfered after last season from Notre Dame, and then got demoted mid-season, did not travel with the team to Atlanta for the Peach Bowl for “personal reasons.”
Just guessing that the reasons involve Golson not starting?

Snow. Lots of snow. At ‪#‎Sunbowl‬ in El Paso, Texas. Cue the hell freezing over comments.

Duke-Indiana today in the Pinstripe Bowl. Wonder how many viewers saw the matchup, tuned in, and were disappointed when they learned it wasn’t college basketball?

Two Cleveland Browns were arrested last night. after a traffic stop for speeding, one for DUI. one for Adderall without a prescription.. Police also found a gun in the car.  The team is both disappointed and relieved: Johnny Manziel was not involved

Big brother Max now has a bowl win at Duke. Time for Christian McCaffery to hold up his end of the family in the Rose Bowl. ‪#‎GoStanford‬

Nebraska and UCLA ended up in the Foster Farms Bowl at Levi’s Stadium in Santa Clara, CA, while Duke and Indiana got the Pinstripe Bowl at Yankee Stadium. Who knew that the Blue Devils and Hoosiers would get to spend Christmas in warm weather?

So was ‪#‎UCLA‬‘s excuse for tonight’s ‪#‎FosterFarmsBowl‬ that the weather is more like ‪#‎Nebraska‬ in December than California?

 

Donald Trump apparently spent Christmas in Palm Beach.  Makes sense, the Donald wanted to find a state to optimize his chances of not being the craziest person in the room.

A 24 year old tourist from Pakistan is now staying at Rikers Island instead of the Sheraton Brooklyn. He got frustrated over a check-in delay and allegedly said there’s a “bomb in there” about his luggage. (There wasn’t)
If true, the guy may not be charged with terrorism, but with criminal stupidity.

 

From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg:  “Tesla announced they are two years away from a driverless car. And BMW is three years away from a douche-bag-less car.”

Oh, rats.

December 23, 2015

Apparently the state shut down 10 restaurants in South Florida: last week due to health violations like roaches and rodent droppings found on site. Well, clearly the patrons needed to be armed.

Meanwhile a Florida man died after he accidentally shot himself while on a video call with a relative.  The Miami-Dade Police said he was   “explaining the proper way to clean a firearm” #cantfixstupid #butyoucanburystupid  #Darwin

The California Dungeness crab season will not open this year in time for Christmas due to perceived safety issues from toxins due to warmer than usual ocean temperatures.

Humbug. But I repeat, all those who don’t believe in science and/or global warming should be our canaries in the coal mine,  or rather crab mine, and feast away:

Jeb Bush, on what he might be expected to say at an upcoming New Hampshire event -“A sentence in the English language, you know? With an adjective and adverbs, three syllable words occasionally.”
Uh, Jeb, this is not exactly known as playing to the GOP primary base

When all these companies who send almost spam all year to your email inbox then send electronic Christmas or Holiday greetings, you know, it’s still almost spam.

Defending World Cup champion Marcel Hirscher was almost hit by a falling drone camera during a run in a World Cup race today in Italy. After the event Hirscher – “This is horrible. This can never happen again.” And sponsors are thinking – but think of the potential TV ratings. ‪#‎Worldcupdemolitionderby‬

 

NY Giants coach Tom Coughlin said today that Odell Beckham “certainly was wrong, and we’ve said he was wrong from day one. But there were factors involved, starting in pregame, which are well documented, which indicate that there was an attempt to provoke him. He was provoked.”
I have some sympathy for Beckham being upset. But hate to say it, if you’re an adult NFL player, aren’t you supposed to be above freaking out over insults and trash talk?

A Southwest plane landed safely today back at Oakland Airport after circling for four hours. The pilot was worried over a potential problem with the landing gear. No injuries but now for the important issue for most passengers – do they get extra frequent flier miles for all that circling?

A Windstar ship has run aground at a remote island -Isla de Colba – off the coast of Panama. All passengers and crew are safe but the ship is too damaged to complete the cruise. CNN is crushed, the island is 200 miles from Panama City and with full planes around the holidays probably no way to get a big news crew down to cover it.

Donald Trump is now claiming that “schlonged” isn’t vulgar. Well, at this point it might not be as vulgar as “Trumped.”

Look, who the heck knows what goes on in anyone else’s marriage. But interesting that no one attacking Bill and Hillary, who actually are still together, seems to have a problem with the fact that both Trump and Fiorina both met their current spouses when they were married to their previous spouses. ‪#‎familyvalues

On Fox News, they have been suggesting that Chelsea Clinton’s second pregnancy was timed for her to have the baby right in the middle of the 2016 campaign. Uh, as if any 35 year-old woman can exactly time ANY pregnancy?
(and what about all babies being a gift from God and all that…. ‪#‎notsoprolife‬

 

Black Lives Matter protesters shut down Mall of America and an airport terminal today. Now I sympathize with the cause. But if you want to get average Americans on your side making them miss a flight or not get their Christmas shopping done is probably not the best way to do it.

I wanna be sedated/debated…..

November 11, 2015

So I’m confused, after this ‪#‎GOPDebate‬ how many of the remaining contestants get roses?

Four years ago, Rick Perry couldn’t remember the third Cabinet level department he wanted to eliminate. Tonight Ted Cruz said he wanted to eliminate five, and said the Dept of Commerce twice, while leaving out the Dept of Education. Makes some sense on education, Cruz certainly doesn’t seem to have benefited from it.

Ted Cruz keeps telling voters to go to TedCruz.org. Because the man who wants us to trust him to lead the free world wasn’t smart enough to grab the TedCruz.com domain. ‪#‎Googleit‬ ‪#‎notreadyforprimetime‬

So what does ‪#‎TedCruz‬ have against philosophers? Did he used to date one or something? ‪#‎GOPdebate‬

In his first answer, Marco Rubio said to fix economy we need to repeal Obamacare. So congrats to all those who had “5 min. into the GOP debate in the pool.

Trump. “We are a country of laws”and we have to depart 11 million people. Then for example fruit will obey the laws and pick itself

All these GOP candidates blame Obama & regulatory reform for U.S. economic woes. So why wasn’t the economy booming under Bush? ‪#‎GOPDebate‬
 So let me get this straight, contestants in ‪#‎GOPDebate‬ all say regulations are big problem for US economy, but they want to regulate banks.

#‎CarlyFiorina‬ keeps talking about how many of these world leaders she knows. Is this a ‪#‎GOPdebate‬ or a competition for Facebook friends?

Carly Fiorina also dissing government and talking about “people who don’t do their jobs very well.” Well she should know ‪#‎HP‬ ‪#‎yourefired‬

Ted Cruz is so out of touch he thinks wages in journalism can go any lower. ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

Ben Carson says he has a problem with “being lied about.” And apparently with not ending sentences with propositions.-

Congrats to ‪#‎SFGiants‬ Brandon Crawford for winning his 1st Gold Glove, and to Yadier Molina for winning his 8th. Think they just might want to make it automatic for the Cardinals’ catcher until he retires.

Target is being accused now of trivializing mental illness because they are selling a OCD (‘Obsessive Christmas Disorder’) holiday sweater. Beginning to think the real epidemic in this country is OPCD (“Obsessive Politically Correct Disorder.”)

Facebook wants us to give them our phone numbers to “help secure your account and more.” Yeah, it’s the “and more,” that worries me.

Oakland LB Ray-Ray Armstrong is being investigated in PA for allegedly taunting a police dog at Heinz Field – pounding on his chest and barking at the animal before the Raiders-Steelers game.
Uh, not sure about charges being filed but if Armstrong thinks it’s a good idea to taunt and anger a K-9, guessing the problem is going to work itself. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ ‪#‎Darwinwannabe‬

Non-profit investigative journalism site ProPublica has released a list of members of Congress who have missed a tenth or more of eligible floor votes since 2007. Hmm, maybe it’s time to start drug-testing our representatives.

Ohio State QB J.T. Barrett today did plead guilty to DUI. He will pay a $400 fine and have his license suspended for six months. With all due respect, since Barrett has NFL aspirations, maybe he should learn to live without driving these days, period.

Urban Meyer has reinstated J.T. Barrett as OSU’s starting QB for this weekend’s game against Illinois, after a one-game suspension for DUI. “It’s never easy. I think it’s the right thing at this time.” Translation, the Fighting Illini might be a tougher competitor than most people think.

Campbell’s says they are changing their chicken soup recipe to have fewer ingredients. Will one of them still be chicken?

Pastor Kevin Swanson, upset with Dumbledore being homosexual, says that rather than have kids read the Harry Potter books, for “tens of millions of parents it would be better that a millstone be hung around their (children’s) neck and they be drowned at the bottom of the sea.”
And Swanson said this at the National Religious Liberties Conference. ‪#‎oxymoron‬ ‪#‎jesuswept‬

An alligator was seen eating a python on a Florida golf course. If only the python had been armed.