Archive for June 2011

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Dude, where’s my rifle?

June 30, 2011

A good day for the “You can’t make this ‘stuff’ up department.  In Seattle, police are investigating how an assault rifle was accidentally left on the trunk of a patrol car parked downtown.

Said a police spokesman on SeattlePI.com   “We’d really like to express our gratitude to the tipper who flagged down the bike officers  (and posted a picture online) and also a separate woman who alerted the driver of the patrol car that there was an unattended rifle on the car.”

No word yet as to whether or not the rifle was loaded. Does sort of put losing cellphones and umbrellas in perspective.

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Another day, another upset at Wimbledon. Which would be more upsetting to American sports fans if there were any Americans left to upset.

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Charlie Sheen now says he took steroids during the filming of “Major League” to get his fastball up to 85mph. Can you imagine if Tim Wakefield took steroids? His fastball might hit 50.

 

In California, controller John Chiang cut off lawmakers’ salaries last week until they came up with a balanced budget.  And lo and behold, after months of deliberation it took about six days until the Legislature finally passed such a budget.

Hmm. Wonder if we can loan Chiang for a week or two to Washington D.C?

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Tiger Woods has apparently signed an endorsement deal with a Japanese company to promote a heat rub. Well, guess they figure based on the stories of the past couple years, Tiger’s an expert on heat and rubs.

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Myspace put out a press release saying they had sold themselves to a company called “Specific Media” for $35 Million. This news came as a major shock to many Americans, who didn’t realize Myspace still existed.

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Wonder if Myspace posted the announcement of their sale on Facebook?

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Brad Womack, the most recent “Bachelor” and his fiancee Emily Maynard have broken up. “What a shame” said about ten million women and two men.

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From Bill Littlejohn:  “Libya’s Moammar Gaddafi could fall within two to three months, the International Criminal Court’s prosecutor said on Tuesday.Longer, if a judge approves the leader’s deal with Fox”
 
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A Toronto newspaper, the Sun, is reporting that by the time he died, John Lennon had become a Ronald Reagan fan and Republican.  Maybe that means Lennon  wrote that famous song for his vegetarian friend Paul McCartney, and the lyric really was “All we are saying, is give peas a chance.”

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Commie pinko time:

Current taxes on the wealthiest Americans are lower than Clinton or even Reagan. But John Boehner stated after Obama’s news conference. “The president is sorely mistaken if he believes a bill to raise the debt ceiling and raise taxes would pass the House.” I think I’m turning into a bigot; at least as far as becoming prejudiced against orange people.

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Are we ready for some football? Jokes anyway.

June 29, 2011

Ben Roethlisberger may need an operation to repair his broken foot. Let me guess, if Big Ben checks into a deluxe hotel before the surgery, his fiancee has already vetoed his ordering room service.

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Terrell Owens’ agent says that despite his client’s surgergy, T.O. is not retiring. Not sure how NFL teams looking for a receiver feel about this, but comedy writers across the country are breathing a big sigh of relief.

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Rep. Michele Bachmann’s former chief of staff has declined to work for the campaign and instead endorsed Tim Pawlenty. Bachmann wants to be the next President, she’s more likely to be the next Gingrich.

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Although despite all of Gingrich’s staffer’s quitting, Newt says he is still in the race.  The number of candidates in the GOP field keeps growing and growing. At what point can we start sending one of them home each week without a rose?

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My current dream – Can we get Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin together on the Tonight Show? Preferably the “Jaywalking” segment.

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Malaysia Airlines, responding to complaints from passengers who don’t like to listen to crying in first class, has now banned babies from the first class cabin on their Boeing 747-400 jets, and plans to expand the ban to other planes. One question – are they talking only about chronological babies?

 

 

In an interview on Fox News Tuesday night, Bristol Palin declined to comment about her mother’s possible run for the presidency, saying “What happens at our kitchen table stays at our kitchen table.” Well, at least until we decide to write a book about it.

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Apparently Major League Baseball is likely to file a motion to seize the Los Angeles Dodgers. Amazing how fast Bud Selig can moves when he wants to. Meanwhile, his three-man “Blue Ribbon Committee” studying the Oakland A’s possible move to San Jose hasn’t come up with a decision after over two years….

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Pope Benedict XVI used an iPad to send out his first-ever tweet this morning. So how come the Vatican is so open to adopting technology, and so rigidly against adopting ideas like a (officially) non-celibate clergy?

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Final score from Tuesday in the first game of a doubleheader.  San Francisco 13, Chicago 7.  Did the Giants miss an extra point or something?

 

Here we go again. This time it’s Georgia’s athletic department that has contacted the NCAA and the SEC regarding possible eligibility problems – with football player Jarvis Jones and incoming basketball player Kentavious Caldwell-Pope. At this point it’s enough to make sports fans long for the comparative innnocence and purity of bicycle racing.

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From Jim Barach:   Texas Ranger Josh Hamilton is blaming his poor daytime batting average on having blue eyes. He doesn’t understand that before 1947, the number one reason most major leaguers were in the big leagues was having blue eyes.

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LA LA land?

June 28, 2011

The Los Angeles Dodgers declared bankruptcy today. So does this really make them “America’s Team?”

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Frank McCourt stated that despite the bankruptcy, for the Dodgers it would be “business as usual.”  That’s what real fans are afraid of.

Picture from my friend Daniel Silveira.

New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez divulged that he has been playing through a secret knee injury, which he says he suffered a week ago while pivoting. Wonder which mirror he was in front of at the time?

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Meanwhile, on Tuesday in Wrigley Field, number 75 takes the mound for the SF Giants for the first time since April 16. Hard to believe – all that torture in the past 2 1/2 months, and Barry Zito was nowhere in sight.

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Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was convicted Monday on 17 of the 20 public corruption charges against him. Blago’s biggest mistake? Deciding to commit high-profile crimes in Illinois instead of Los Angeles.

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A former Citigroup V.P., Gary Foster, has been arrested and charged with charged with embezzling $19 million by transferring money from various Citibank accounts to his personal account at another bank. Great. Commit financial crimes against individuals, get arrested. Commit financial crimes against an entire country, get a bail out.

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Serena and Venus Williams both eliminated at Wimbledon. Who do these sisters think they are? American men?

But really, Americans are out of Wimbledon, and now off the leader board at most PGA events. Baseball may yet again be the “Great American Pastime” – it’s the only summer sport we’re still any good at.

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Fox News’s Chris Wallace now says he “messed up” by asking Michelle Bachmann whether she’s a “flake.” Apparently the network got an angry request for an apology – from Kellogg’s.

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Michelle Bachmann has already mixed up Lexington, MA and Lexington, NH. Today she said, “John Wayne was from Waterloo, Iowa. That’s the kind of spirit that I have, too.” Except that the John Wayne from Waterloo was serial killer John Wayne Gacy, executed in 1994 for 33 murders. Think out of all those Gingrich staffers that quit Bachmann could find a good fact-checker?

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Losers and the Lost.

June 27, 2011

An Emperor penguin is under medical care in New Zealand after somehow getting lost and swimming there all the way from its native Antarctia.  Doctors have recently ascertained that the bird, dubbed “Happy Feet,” is a male. Well, of course, a female penguin would have asked for directions.

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Statement SF Giants fans thought they would NEVER hear this season: From Cleveland Indians manager Manny Acta said. “I felt we had the opportunity to win two of the three games at least. We were flat out overmatched at the plate.”

With all due respect, the Giants hitters these days couldn’t overmatch a team of anorexic supermodels at the place.

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Meanwhile, in Texas – Final score Sunday – Tampa Bay 14 – Houston 10. So did the NFL schedule a secret pre-season game and not tell anyone?

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Russian billionaire and New Jersey Nets owner Mikhail Prohkorov is now the head of a new political party, “Just Cause,” in Russia. “Just Cause,” is considered to be a Kremlin creation to give the illusion of competing with the ruling United Russia party. Well, if anyone knows about giving the illusion of competing, it’s the owner of the Nets.

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Newt Gingrich in a Saturday speech on the legalization of gay marriage “I think we are drifting toward a terrible muddle which I think is going to be very, very difficult and painful to work our way out of.” Right, as opposed to straight marriage, where you can just very very easily dump your wife when she gets sick.

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The Detroit Tigers retired the number of former manager Sparky Anderson, who died last year at the age of 76. Had he lived, however, Sparky might now have been considered too young and inexperienced for the Marlins job.

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Michelle Bachman said her experience founding and running a pair of mental health clinics qualifies her for the presidency. Insert “blind leading the blind” joke here.

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New Jersey Governor Chris Christie stated Sunday that he was “not a fan of gay marriage.”  Well, while I can’t speak for all gay men, I think it’s a pretty safe better none of them are interested in marrying him anyway.

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The University of Kentucky has apparently agreed to a two-year extension for men’s basketball coach John Calipari, giving him a total eight more years on his contract. Wonder if there’s an opt-out if the Wildcats become the third team in a row to vacate wins for violations with Calipari in charge.

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From Gary Morton, some news  from Seattle:  The Mariners rank 22nd on baseball’s 2011 attendance records, averaging slightly over 22,000/game. The Seattle Sounders – soccer – would rank 9th on that same list, averaging just over 36,000. It’s no surprise to Seattle fans that the Sounders have more success at the gate than their baseball peers – they score a lot more than the Mariners.

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The happiest place on earth?

June 26, 2011

The happiest city in New York today? Could be Niagara Falls. Years ago it actuallywas the country’s top honeymoon destination.

My friend Ben Pesta commented that  that now the Falls will “be the jumping-off spot for members of various Defense of Marriage organizations.”

(an aside for what it’s worth – the top honeymoon destination in the U.S. today?   Walt Disney World, seriously.)

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One group that has been protesting against gay marriage in New York is the Norwich Tea Party Patriots –  Whose motto on their website says   ‘Fiscal responsibility, limited government, free market.”

Let’s see, higher taxes for married couples, govt out of the way, market choices….hmm.

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Actually polls in New York showed public opinion was strongly in favor of gay marriage. Of course, let’s see if this holds up.  Especially in New York City next June – you think it was hard to get a wedding caterer before….

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Fox baseball announcers said Saturday for the SF Giants to win they need to get two-out hits with men in scoring position.  Uh, why start now?

And as it turned out, they didn’t get any hits with men in scoring position, the same as Friday, and still won, the same as Friday.

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Of course, the Giants were playing the equally offensively challenged Cheveland Indians. In fact, Saturday, the two teams combined for fewer hits than at a Taylor Hicks concert.

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Good pitching, decent hitting, no defense. Forget “Don’t Stop Believing.”  The San Francisco Giants theme song should be “Two out of three ain’t bad.”

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Due to a make-up game the Detroit Tigers have to play this week, the Giants will not have to face Justin Verlander.  Which even San Francisco fans have to feel a little disappointed about – how often do you have that good a chance to watch a no-hitter?

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Saturday night was the Gold Cup soccer final between the U.S. and Mexico at the Rose Bowl just outside Los Angeles. Which probably was a big home field advantage. If so, U.S. fans couldn’t quite help their team overcome it.

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Joe Maddon, 57, is endorsing “One A Day 50 Plus Advantage” vitamins. If sales are going well, wonder how long it will take the company to start producing “80 Plus Advantage” vitamins for Jack McKeon?

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And finally, now that New York has legalized gay marriage, here’s a slightly tangential serious question for readers: Do you think an active male professional athlete playing a team sport in the U.S. will come out of the closet in this decade? And if so in what sport?

 (No prizes, but since the internet is forever, a response that turns out to be correct in comments will give you serious bragging rights.)

 

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Now playing in New York – “Guys and guys” and “dolls and dolls.”

June 25, 2011

The New York GOP controlled Senate voted Friday night to legalize gay marriage, and Governor Cuomo signed the bill into law:

So will Billy Crystal make a second movie  “When Harry met Sal?

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Dirk Nowitzki threw out  the ceremonial first pitch at the Texas Rangers’ game Friday night. Rumor has it the Florida Marlins were thinking of having Lebron James throw out the first pitch at a game too. But they’re afraid the ball will only make it three-quarters of the way to the plate.

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R.I.P. Columbo (Peter Falk.) In his honor, all trenchcoats may be worn at half-mast.

Alex Kaseberg wonders if his last words to the nurse were “Sorry to bother you maam, one more thing…”

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Texas Governor Rick Perry is edging closer to a run for the GOP Presidential nomination in 2012. As soon as he figures out one little problem. How do you campaign for President and talk about your state’s secession at the same time?

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Tennis riddle of the day:  What do you call an American man in the finals at Wimbledon? A spectator.

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Commie pinko time for the next two below:

In an anti-abortion speech, Michelle Bachmann applauded the fact that at least six Minnesota Planned Parenthood clinics were closing due to federal budget cuts? So let’s see, the objective is to limit abortions, and she thinks it will help to limit lower-income people’s access to birth control?

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Well, we’ve finally found a way of curing many GOP members of Congress from always wanting to take military action in other countries. Have a Democratic president authorize the operation.

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So after settling their 2004 lawsuit in 2008, then deciding not to take their rejected followup suit to the U.S. Supreme Court, the Winklevoss twins are now going after Facebook with new lititgation in Massachusetts. Even Brett Favre is saying “Guys, give it up already.’

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Just once when you’re sitting on hold forever with an airline, instead of hearing “Due to higher than normal call volume you may experience extended hold times”, it would be nice to hear something a little more truthful. Like “Due to the fact we want to minimize salary costs we have decided to under staff our phone lines in hopes you will give up and go to our website.

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Yesterday’s – “Herman Cain said that Jon Stewart was ‘attacking him because he was black.” Nope, Herman, Stewart was attacking you because you are stupid.'”  

Said Augie “Responded Sarah Palin, what color is stupid?”

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No place like home.

June 24, 2011
 
Lindsay Lohan’s parties and failed alcohol test will not get her sent back to jail, because alcohol was not specifically prohibited in her house arrest sentence. Although the judge did say Lohan used “extremely poor judgment” and ordered “No more parties.” Jeez, what does a celebrity have to do to get sent to jail in L.A, kill someone? Never mind, strike that.
 
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A Southwest pilot has returned from his suspension after his cockpit rant.  Apparently he didn’t realize he was broadcasting on an air traffic channel while referring to the airline’s flight attendants as a “continuous stream of gays and grannies and grandes.” 
 
Hope the guy plans to spend his remaining years with the airline bringing his own coffee onboard.
 
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But really, what could possibly have been his defense for such a rant?, (which was also apparently laced with profanities.)   Guess the pilot couldn’t apologize and say he was drunk?
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Lindsay Lohan has been photographed having rooftop parties during her home confinement, and has now apparently failed a court-ordered alcohol test, her second of the year. It’s all part of Los Angeles’ celebrity “75 strikes and you’re out” policy.
 
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After the Washingon Nationals won for the 11th time in 12 games, manager Jeff Riggleman just suddenly quit. No word if he’s been offered a job by any other team, but Riggleman did reputedly receive a congratulatory call from Sarah Palin.
 
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NBA Player’s union president Derek Fisher said that players aren’t afraid of a work stoppage. And presumably Lebron James will teach them how to view it just as a long fourth quarter.
 
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Sarah Palin cancelled an announced trip to the Sudan due to “scheduling difficulties.” Wonder what that means? She couldn’t find it on a map?
 
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After Jon Stewart made fun of Herman Cain when the presidential candidate said in a speech that he would not sign a bill longer than three pages, Cain said that Stewart was “attacking him because he was black.” Nope, Herman, Stewart was attacking you because you are stupid.
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Some GOP candidates say President Obama’s Afghanistan troop reduction plan brings home troops too slowly, others say it brings them home too fast. Anyone want to hazard a guess what they would say if it were President George W. Bush’s plan? “What a great example of nuanced leadership?” (Those of them who know the word nuanced.)
 
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Ron Artest now wants to change his name – for real, he has petitioned the Los Angeles Supreme Court. The new name he wants? “Metta World Peace.” Guess “Bat Sh*t Crazy” was already taken.
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The Phillie Phanatic mascot was attending a minor league game and had to be taken to the hospital after getting drilled by a foul line drive. The Phanatic suffered a minor concussion but will be fine. Maybe he should consider attending SF Giants games. They don’t hit the ball hard enough to hurt anyone.
 
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 Serious groaner for NHL fans from Gary Morton:  Fans in BC don’t want to talk about the Stanley Cup anymore. To them, that’s Luongo and far away.

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Was the ring the thing?

June 23, 2011

Phoenix Suns president Lon Babby called into a Phoenix radio station  to say” I have said it a zillion times. We are not trading Steve Nash,” 

Translation, no one made them a good enough offer.

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George Clooney and Elisabetta Canalis announced they have ended their two-year relationship, possibly over his unwillingness to propose marriage.

“So what?” responded millions of men. “There’s still hope,” responded millions of women.

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Now we are hearing that Newt Gingrich had a second line of credit at Tiffany’s for $1 million. This level of credit line was known privately at the store as a “Kobe Special.”

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Meanwhile, more campaign staffers are deserting  Gingrich. The only way this story could be any better is if some of them went to work for his ex-wives.

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North Carolina has received an NCAA notice of allegations from the NCAA outlining numerous “potential major violations” in football. Guess this settles it, the Tarheels have officially arrived as a major football program.

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Okay, who predicted this. If the All-Star pitchers were chosen today, the San Francisco Giants starter who most deserves to make the team is…. . Ryan Vogelsong?!!

(and non-Giants fans, yes, look it up  – 5 and 1 record, with an ERA of 1.86  – well over a run lower than any other starter on the staff.)

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The US beat Panama in the Gold Cup semi-final Wednesday night. Prompting this response from many American sports fans “That’s really great, what sport were we playing?”

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Mark Cuban may now be interested in buying the Dodgers. And it could happen.  Frank McCourt may have accomplished the impossible – getting Bud Selig to think Cuban might be the lesser of any two evils as an owner.

Sad news, Glen Campbell has announced he has Alzheimer’s. The only silver lining, soon he won’t remember the outfits he wore for Rhinestone Cowboy.

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Sarah Palin has reportedly quit her bus tour halfway through. Wow, Santa must have decided that as a group comedy writers had been very very good last year.

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Follow up story later today:  Sarah Palin now disputes reports that she has canceled her bus tour. She posted on Facebook that she’s been called for jury duty, and that she will resume the tour “when the time comes.” Does Sarah really think she’d be picked? Neither side would expect her to stay through the whole trial.

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Two I wish I’d written:

From Marc Ragovin:  Jack McKeon walking out to the mound to make a pitching change is the baseball equivalent of the four corners offense.

From Jim Barach:  A 90 year old Florida woman married a man she met on match.com. The amazing part is that she thought she was buying a comforter on eBay.

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Summer time, and the laughing is easy.

June 22, 2011

One of the new popular items at county fairs this summer is apparently deep-fried Kool-Aid balls. (really.) Assume the price on them is $4.20.

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Another example of why when you wish/pray for something, it is important to be specific.   The Giants lost to the Twins tonight 9-2, after Minnesota scored 8 runs in the first inning.  How many SF Giants fans said before the game- “God, I am so tired of watching great pitching wasted in 2-1 losses”?

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Another day, another Republican candidate. Today it’s Jon Huntsman, who says he wants to “create jobs.” Waiting for the honest man or woman who really states the GOP platform – “More tax breaks for millionaires.”

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Dirk Nowitzki is now trying to decide whether to take the summer off, or play for the German National Team. Or he could make a Lebron like compromise – play for the German team, but take the fourth quarter off.

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Now Newt Gingrich’s campaign finance staff has resigned. To paraphrase an old joke, at this point the main difference between Newt’s presidential campaign and Elvis, is that everyone knows the campaign is dead.

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“Lost” actor Doug Hutchison, 51, announced that he has married his 16-year-old girlfriend, Courtney Alexis Stodden. Even Hugh Hefner is saying “Now that’s just creepy.”

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Princess Cruise Lines is now dropping both Mazatlan and Puerto Vallarta as a port on their seven-day cruises from Los Angeles, citing concerns over “the continued violence in these areas.” Really? If the cruise line was that concerned about violence, they would just drop Los Angeles.

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In a report released by the American Customer Satisfication Index, airlines ranked 47th amongst among 47 industries. This despite many survey respondents who tried to rank them 50th.

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An Amish man was arrested today in Indiana when he arrived at a 12 year old girl’s house in a horse-drawn buggy . Allegedly he had sent the girl sexually explicit messages. So what is an Amish sext? – A hand written note directing someone to look for naked pictures placed on top of their rotary phone?

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This next may only make sense to California readers…

Statement from Gavin Newsom’s spokesperson: “Contrary to rumors and speculations cited in recent media reports, Lt. Governor Newsom has no intention of pursuing a run for the U.S. House of Representatives.” Of course not now – at this point he has no idea where things will end up with redistricting.

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Despite many allegations of the contrary, a investigation by the Ohio Bureau of Motor Vehicles of two Columbus-area automobile dealerships found that no state laws were broken as far as used car deals given to Ohio State football players and family members, and that they could not confirm any special deals were tied to free tickets and memorabilia.

The department, however,  declined to release details of  the investigation.  Would just love to see how much Buckeyes’ memorabilia is on display at the BMV. 

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One hit wonders?

June 21, 2011

These days that describes what a lot of major league ballplayers aspire to be on a given day.  (11 Major League Teams are hitting under .250)

 

Nearing the midpoint of the 2011 season, the San Francisco Giants have 46 home runs as a team. Considering that Posey and Freddie Sanchez could be both out for the season, wonder if there’s a chance that the team won’t match Barry Bonds’ 2001 total of 73?

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Buster Posey is out for the year after a collision at home plate. Albert Pujols is out over a month after a collision at first base. And Bud Selig is just trying to think of a rule that would basically translate to “Don’t run into superstars.”

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San Diego Zoo officials are delighted to announce the arrival of a new baby gorilla, the first gorilla born at the Safari Park in nearly 11 years. The only potential worry – some think the baby looks a bit like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

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NHL star defenseman Nicklas Lidstrom has announced he will return for a 20th season with the Red Wings. Which is a big relief to Detroit fans, who were worried he would decide to spend more time with his grandchildren.

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Glee’s co-creator Ryan Murphy has indicated that the show’s seniors leave the show after season three because they will actually “graduate.” Makes sense. For the most part they’re playing singers, not football players.

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Ryan Dunn, 34 ,one of the stars of MTV’s “Jackass,” died Monday in a 3 a.m. car crash. Police say speed “may have been a factor,” and a few hours before the crash he posted a twitter picture of himself drinking with friends. Sad, but sounds likely there were few people more likely to end up with a Darwin award.

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Mitt Romney is now being attacked by other GOP candidates for not signing a pledge to make abortion an absolute litmus test for judges. Anyone else getting the idea that if Attilla the Hun was running for the Republican presidential nomination he’d be attacked for being too moderate?

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In honor of Jack McKeon being back managing the Marlins, rumor has it that all hotdogs purchased at the stadium by 6pm will be at “early bird special” prices.

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Bill Schmarzo reminds us, McKeon’s Dominican passport says he’s only  36.

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From Chad Picasner:  McKeon won’t actually officially take over the club until the Marlins complete the handicap ramp from the dugout to the field.

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The riots in Greece continue. I didn’t even know they had hockey finals over there.

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John McCain claimed this weekend that there was “substantial evidence” that some of the Arizona wildfires had been started by illegal immigrants. But there is actually no evidence, as even firefighters state. And where was McCain’s outrage when a man born here in the US took advantage of Arizona’s loose gun laws to shoot all those people in Tucson?

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No country for old men, but a clubhouse….

June 20, 2011

The Florida Marlins hired former coach Jack McKeon, 80, as their interim coach. Makes a certain amount of sense – with seven NL teams batting under .250, McKeon at least has experience managing in a dead ball era.

(my friend Marty Burwell suggests, since McKeon is 80,  “insert dead ball jokes here.”

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Some think McKeon at 80 might be out of touch with today’s players. But really, don’t most young people get along better with their grandparents than their parents?

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And McKeon is apparently willing to change with the times.  He’s planning to change the phones in the clubhouse from rotary dial to touchtone.

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He’s also said as long as they keep the volume at a reasonable level,  he’s okay with players bringing in their personal CD players and boom boxes into the clubhouse.

(Yes, these could go on forever, but anyone reading should feel free to add “How old is Jack McKeon?” jokes in comments.)

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McKeon’s first move?  Seeing if he can pick up any mid-season pitching help.  Apparently he’s already talked to the Phillies to ask how that nice young man Jamie Moyer is doing after Tommy John surgery.

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Meanwhile, in the NFL, owners and players are alike are watching the McKeon story, and thinking “Okay, nobody tell Brett Favre about this.”

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Miss California was crowned Miss USA tonight, with this answer about medical marijuana – “I’m not sure if it should be legalized, if it would really affect, with the drug war. I mean, it’s abused today, unfortunately, so that’s the only reason why I would kind of be a little bit against it, but medically it’s OK.” Sounds like she has a great future in politics.

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Talk about things being darkest before the dawn:  Before this weekend Rory McIlroy was best known to American golf fans as the guy who shot the worst final round EVER when leading the Masters after three rounds. (For non-golf fans, he had a four shot lead, shot an 80, and ended up tied for 15  in April of this year .)

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An ESPN.com article is titled “How the Heat Can Improve Next Season.” May I suggest duct tape. For their mouths.

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Father’s Day thoughts.

June 19, 2011

And happy Father’s day to my dad.  From who I inherited a rather twisted sense of humor.

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The San Francisco Giants are allegedly thinking of issuing  a press release.  They can indeed hit water falling out of a boat. As long as the boat is not in scoring position.

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The Cleveland Indians fired their hitting coach,   Jon Nunnally.  In 13 games from June 2-13, they were 7 for 75 (.093) with runners in scoring position.  This is 7 hits more that situation than the Giants have had since last Wednesday.

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Jack Nicklaus said Rory McIlroy asked him for advice last year on how to finish a golf tournament?   Wonder if Jack told him “start Sunday with an eight shot lead?”

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George W. Bush threw out the first pitch in the College World Series. The pitch of course, started in the middle and veered to the right.

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How bad was Britney Spears’  “Femme Fatale” concert last night in San Jose?

This  from Jim Harrington of the Oakland Tribune:

“Some fans felt cheated that Britney Spears performed only three tunes during her much-ballyhooed free made-for-TV concert in March in San Francisco.

As it turns out, they were lucky.”

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It may seem like the NBA playoffs go on forever, but at least we know the league won’t expand them a week further. Too many players are already overextended on Father’s Day.

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And it’s hard to believe that it wasn’t too many years ago that many people were talking about changing the U.S. born requirement so that Arnold Schwarzenegger could run for President.  These days its hard to imagine Arnold getting elected again to anything. Although he could end up with the title – “Father of our Country.”

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From Gary Morton, because it’s too soon to have a blog post without Anthony Weiner involved   (Morton says it will be his last.)  “Now that Anthony Weiner has resigned, we shall once again be a kinder, genital-er country of twits.”

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A complete airline computer meltdown – Shirley you can’t be serious?

June 18, 2011

As United Airlines customers found out Friday night – they were serious.  The airline lost all its computers for six hours. Planes couldn’t take off, passengers couldn’t check in, and apparently many passengers on planes couldn’t get off.

Or as JetBlue says “Winter business as usual.”

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At one point,  all United flights that had not taken off were grounded indefinitely. Changing the airline’s slogan from ‘It’s time to fly” to “Does anybody really know what time it is?”

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Stay tune Monday for a new “computer maintenance ticket” fee?.

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Bad timing award?   United Airlines’ computers are slowly coming back online after a six hour complete outage. This in the same week that the FAA authorized American Airlines to replace their pilot flight manuals with iPads.

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Bristol Palin’s tell-all memoir will be published next week, following the two books written by her mother. Wonder if she will continue Sarah’s theme of complaining that the media just won’t give them any privacy?

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Bristol, for what it’s worth, refers to the the father of her son as a  “gnat.”   So much for last year’s quote  “I believe that wherever possible, if the parents can cooperate and co-parent in a positive way, the child will benefit…. putting aside the past is in Tripp’s best interest.”

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New York Archbishop Timothy Dolan is leading the fight against gay marriage in New York. While the Archbishop is entitled to his beliefs, wonder he wasn’t nearly so fervent in fighting to defrock pedophile priests?

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Apparently AARP may be willing to negotiate on raising the retirement age for social security. We will know this is for sure if and when they introduce their new AARP spokesman – Brett Favre.

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So in the aftermath of the Anthony Weiner debacle, will young couples start changing their wedding vows to say “and forsaking all others, keep thee and thy naughty tweets only unto her?”

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Tiger-less U.S. Open update  – (What, there’s a golf tournament this weekend?)   What’s more bizarre? That 22 year old Rory McIlroy shot a U.S. Open record 11 under par for the first two rounds? Or that he did it while double-bogeying the 18th hole Friday?

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The NCAA has announced their schedule of 35 bowl games for 2011-12, with ZERO games on January 1. Because it is a Sunday and thus games would conflict on television with NFL games if they settle the lockout. Can’t imagine how these college athletes get the idea it’s all about the money.

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Frank and Jamie McCourt have agreed to a divorce settlement that MAY allow Frank to keep control of the Dodgers. Dodgers fans are considering a petition to urge Jamie to keep fighting.

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A survey found that Facebook users were 43 percent more likely than other Internet users to say that “most people can be trusted.” That number would have been a lot higher except for all those women who got messages from Anthony Weiner.

 

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Back to back

June 17, 2011

Not titles,  but posts.    Apologies since apparently my attempts to hit the “publish” button last night were as successful as the Canucks’ efforts to put a puck in the goal.

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But there’s a silver lining after last night’s Canucks Stanley Cup loss and the subsequent riots: Al-Qaeda probably will not be attacking Vancouver any time soon – the terrorists have decided “Those people are scary.”

 

After an opening round 65 on Thursday, Rory McIlroy, 22 is leading the U.S. Open. How young is McIlroy? Why, he can’t even remember a time when famous golfers had to call their mistresses on payphones.

 

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So much for Anthony Weiner’s grand ambitions – He probably expected that he would some day walk into a room to “Hail to the Chief.” Instead it’s more likely to be “Sorry seems to be the Hardest Word.”

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Now that Weiner has resigned, we have to wonder how many Congressmen have as yet undiscovered potentially embarassing pictures and texts out there. This is known in military parlance as “unexploded ordnance.”

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For my non-English friends, in Britain a cellphone is known as a “Mobile.” So this means the past month will go down in history across the pond as the “Weinermobile” scandal.

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Once Anthony Wener resigns, as a private citizen he can sext and send pictures to anyone he wants without media attention. Of course, as a private citizen, he will find a lot few women interested in answering his tweets.

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A particularly offensive campaign ad in Southern California shows Congressional candidate Janice Hahn as a stripper hanging out with gangsters. The ad has received bipartisan condemnation, although Hahn herself has reputedly now received some texts from Anthony Weiner.

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An editorial in the Manchester Union-Leader, which sponsored the first GOP debate, has gone after Mitt Romney for acting “high-falutin” and “haughty.” Responded Romney, if they’re going to criticize me, the correct word is “supercilious.”

 

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The Texas Rangers accused the New York Yankees of stealing signs. The Yankees responded they don’t steal anything. They buy the signs fair and square.  (Or as my friend Karen says “they fell off a truck, I know a guy.”

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Former NY Giants wide receiver David Tyree said gay marriage is the first step towards “anarchy,” partly because two men or two women together cannot raise a child. So if he feels that way, why have we heard nothing from Tyree about other players like Ray Lewis, Antonio Cromartie and Travis Henry, who all have more than a half dozen kids by various women.

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And finally, here’s the question of the day. Father’s Day is Sunday. How many cards will Arnold Schwarenegger get?

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A picture is worth?

June 17, 2011

$1000?  Wonder how much Edwards spent on his hair and makeup?

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Some sympathy for Vancouver hockey fans. Do you know how heartbreaking it is to lose a game 7 in the Stanley Cup finals?  

Well, no, replied hockey fans in Northern California.

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Roberto Luongo did not have a perfect evening. On the other hand, he had so little support that the Canucks goalie has just been named an honorary SF Giants pitcher.

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Is “Canuck” Canadian for “Shark?”

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Adult movie actress Ginger Lee said today that Congressman Anthony Weiner asked her to lie about their online relationship. So who are you going to believe? Someone who sells themselves for money? Or the porn star?

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Now when Lee, who says she texted and tweeted with Anthony Weiner, held her  press conference, she was flanked by her attorney… Gloria Allred.

“I am shocked,” said absolutely no one.

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Apparently the main reason that Newt Gingrich’s presidential campaign staffers quit was his wife, Callista. Hmm, maybe given Newt’s history the staff should have treated the marriage like the weather – just wait and it will change.

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Some are criticizing President Obama for only spending five hours in Puerto Rico. Well, it’s five hours more than George W. Bush spent during his presidency in San Francisco.  (Or as a friend reminds me – Puerto Rico.)

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Former UConn forward Jamal Coombs-McDaniel, who was arrested on drug charges earlier this year, was allowed to enter a first-time offenders program which will require him to perform community service and to take 10 drug education classes. Hmm. This may be more classes than he took at UConn.

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from TC  ” Monday’s Miami Herald ran a full page Macy’s ad for “NBA 2011 Championship Miami Heat” tee shirts, hats and related souvenirs.

A spokesperson for Macy’s has apologized saying the wrong ad was accidentally submitted.

The correct ad should have read NFL Surplus Tee Shirts and Hats, “2007-2008 New England Patriots Perfect 19-0 Season” and “New England Patriots SB XLII Champions”

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In Canada, the Macy’s ad meant to say “Congratulations Vancouver Canucks on your First Stanley Cup Victory.”

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From Gary Morton on yesterday’s post  about Oregon star cornerback Cliff Harris was caught driving 118 mph on a suspended license early last Sunday morning.”

“Cliff’s having flashbacks. He thought he was still chasing Cam Newton.”

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Drive time:

June 15, 2011

Oregon star cornerback Cliff Harris was caught driving 118 mph on a suspended license early last Sunday morning.  But wait, it gets better. Turns out according to ESPN that the car was rented and paid for by a female university employee.  Who says that a friend of Harris’s asked to use the car, and paid her the cost of the rental in cash.

The woman added that she had no idea Harris would drive the car, and didn’t even know if his friend is on the team.

Yep, this should silence all those naysayers who say the Ducks don’t have a big-time football program.

(Not sure what will happen to Harris and his friend, but the woman, if she is fired by Oregon, should have a great chance to be hired by Jim Tressel.)

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New OSU head football coach Luke Fickell, a former assistant to Jim Tressel, said he had no idea about any NCAA rules violations: “I wasn’t going to say that I had blinders on, but I was very focused. I was not informed of any information until it became public knowledge.” Considering the cars his players were driving, having blinders on might have been Fickell’s best defense.

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Dirk Nowitzki, on Mark Cuban’s comment that he might want to reward the team with something other than “old school” rings – “I think I would vote for a ring. I mean, I’m a man. I don’t know how I’d feel about a bracelet. I’ve gotta go with a ring.” Besides in the NBA, when most players hear “bracelet,” they think “ankle.”

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Justin Verlander almost threw his third no-hitter tonight. Most teams look at him and think “I hope we don’t have to face him this year.” The Yankees think “I wonder how he’ll look in pinstripes.”

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Crystal Harris has apparently just called off her Saturday wedding to Hugh Hefner. Maybe Hef shouldn’t have told her about that pre-nuptial physical in which the doctor told him he was in good health and likely to live for many more years….

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A second judge turned down a request by Prop 8 supporters to disqualify the judge who overturned California’s ban on same-sex marriage, simply because the first judge was in a long-term relationship with another man. Makes sense, we don’t disqualify heterosexual judges in all rulings involving traditional marriages.

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Mark Cuban left a $20,000 tip at a Miami Beach nightclub after the Mavericks’ celebration party.  Along with a free tip for the Heat ownership – it takes more than three superstars to make a team

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For their NBA finals win over Miami, Governor John Kasich of Ohio just declared the Mavericks honorary Ohioans. For their surrender in the fourth quarter, how long will it take for the Heat to be declared honorary French?.

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Commie pinko time:

GOP 2000 – George W. will make our strong economy stronger. GOP 2004 – we need to re-elect Bush as the best man to fix the economy after 9/11. GOP 2008 – Bush did as well as anyone could have with this tough global economy, McCain will keep us on the right track. GOP 2012 – It’s all Obama’s fault.

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Honeymoon phase:

June 14, 2011

Okay, it’s all sweetness and light now, but how long until the Dallas Mavericks get booed again in Los Angeles?

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Many pundits are using Miami’s defeat in the NBA finals as proof you can’t buy a championship. And somewhere George Steinbrenner is just quietly chuckling….

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The Lebron James school of how to win friends in action again – “All the people that were rooting on me to fail, at the end of the day they have to wake up tomorrow and have the same life that they had before they woke up today.” Yes, Lebron, but isn’t sports supposed to be an escape? And right now those people are smiling.

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Actually Monday morning, folks in Cleveland woke up with smiles as big as those in Ann Arbor reading about Jim Tressell’s resignation.

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Newt Gingrich’s sister said her brother won’t end his presidential campaign despite the resignation of most of his campaign staff – “He doesn’t give up that easily,” said Candace Gingrich-Jones. No, not on campaigns. Only on his marriages.

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Got to hand it to Lebron James. He may have set a new sports record for tarnishing an image without doing anything illegal and while keeping his pants on.

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Speaking of which, it’s Tuesday morning already. So where are today’s latest Anthony Weiner pictures?

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President Obama is visiting Puerto Rico today. So which Republican candidate will be the first to chastise him for wasting time and money travelling to a foreign country?

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Meanwhile, Lindsay Lohan is under house arrest due to jail overcrowding, and this weekend she threw a rooftop party for her friends.  Wow.  Normally to get this kind of “punishment” in Los Angeles you need to kill someone.

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And here I thought he was the smart one in the race: Mitt Romney, flanked by, amongst others, Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum and Michelle Bachman, said “anyone on this stage would be a better president than Barack Obama.”

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President Barack Obama says that if he were in Congressman Anthony Weiner’s position, he would resign. Not that I think Obama’s the type to send semi-naked pictures to women, but resign? Really? If he were in Weiner’s position and Michelle had found out, Barack would be dead.

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Inspired by my funny friend Jim Barach, who pointed out that “Ruler on Ice” is the horse that won the Belmont, not to be confused with Saddam Hussein. Also not to be confused with “Ruler in Water” – Osama bin Laden.

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The Heat is gone.

June 13, 2011

Is it just me, or does Callista Gingrich make Cindy McCain look relaxed and natural?

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Silver lining for the Miami Heat? After the team’s disappointing and at times childish performances when it was clear they felt entitled to a ring, they’ve all been offered a spot on next year’s “the Bachelorette.”

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Another silver lining, for the Heat,  while the Dallas Mavericks get the White House visit with Obama, all the crying and whining has earned Miami a private invitation from John Boehner.

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Anyone who doesn’t believe in evolution clearly hasn’t seen Dirk Nowitzki.

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I think if JFK were alive he might say to all Americans north of Fort Lauderdale “Ich bein ein Maverick.”

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‎24,000 or so emails released from Sarah Palin’s time as Governor of Alaska, and so far nothing ridiculously embarrassing. Which illustrates one point – even the dumbest women seem to be smarter about electronic communication than men.

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Speaking of electronic stupidity, apparently Lebron James refers to himself as “King James” in texts.  Open note to Lebron and any other athlete  – before you refer to yourself as royalty, it’s a good idea to actually win a crown first.

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Actual Stanford Psychology PhD thesis title: “Using counterfactual transgressions to secure a moral identity.”. “Counterfactual transgressions” – I see a new political buzzphrase coming on.

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Also from Stanford commencement –  Mexican President Felipe Calderon was the keynote speaker.  His speech lasted 18 minutes.  Or as Joe Biden would call it, perfect timing for good introductory remarks. 

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Suggested by my son’s friend Zev – “Who’s happier tonight?” Fans in Dallas, or in Cleveland?

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Actually there’s one unhappy man in Dallas –  Jerry Jones.   The Mavericks win a championship,  the Rangers win the American League championship.  And the Cowboys….   Hey, how about that impressive job Dallas did in hosting the last Super Bowl in their new stadium?   Oops, never mind.

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Rehab express:

June 12, 2011

After his confession Monday, Anthony Weiner announced Saturday that he has requested a leave of absence from Congress while he enters rehab at an undisclosed location. So congratulations to all those who had “five days” in the pool.

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And what make Weiner decide to enter rehab?  Repairing his image, redemption, or the chance to meet and tweet Lindsay Lohan?

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What a guy. Anthony Weiner now says that he did have online contact with a 17-year-old girl but said the communications were “neither explicit nor indecent.” Right, it was just the communications with the other dozen women that were both explicit and indecent.

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Harold Camping, the radio preacher who predicted the end of the world last month, has been hospitalized after suffering a stroke at his Northern California home Thursday night. Apparently he is in stable condition but cannot speak. Guess even God gets to the point sometimes of saying “STFU.”

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Reporters are pouring through tens of thousands of recently released Sarah Palin emails. Wonder how many of the fundraising ones begin “Dear friend, I am writing to you about an urgent matter of a confidential nature….”

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Former Trojans and current Seahawk coach Pete Carroll  said that USC’s losing their 2004 was “unfortunate.” Although he added, the “most unfortunate thing … kids that were in junior high at the time, or in grade school, are paying the price for it.” Although Carroll didn’t suggest that NCAA actually punish the guilty – by say, levying serious fines on the coaches….

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Many viewers thought that “The Bachelorette’s” William’s jokes about insecure Ashley were the most ill-conceived and embarrassing standup routine of the year. But Tracy Morgan just took care of that.

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Most asked question these days in Washington, D.C., to iPhone customer service. “Uh, so is there a way to recall and delete texts and pictures?”

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Marc Ragovin’s take on my joke about British royalty:

Queen Elizabeth’s husband, Prince Phillip, just turned 90, making him the second-longest serving consort of a monarch in history, right behind Stedman Graham.

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Titanic?

June 11, 2011

Most of Newt Gringrich’s campaign staff resigned yesterday. One of those rare instances of the crew leaving a sinking rat.

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The winner of a charity auction to have lunch with Warren Buffett, who spent over $2.6 million on his bid, will get several hours of investment advice from Buffett. Starting with  – “Don’t spend $2.6 million to have lunch with anyone.”

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A Miami tv station caught Dwyane Wade and Lebron James making fun of Dirk Nowitzki’s sinus infection before game 5. After practice, the two smirked and pretended to cough and wheeze, “Whoa, did y’all hear me cough? I think I’m sick,” Wade said before turning toward James and chuckling. It’s that kind of classy behavior that has made the Heat so beloved across America.

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Congratulations to Prince Philip, husband of Queen Elizabeth II, on his 90th birthday. Philip is now the longest serving consort of a monarch in British history. Outlasting all of Henry VIII’s wives combined.

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The Mavericks and Heat don’t play game six until Sunday at 9p eastern, so even with practices the players should have been able to kick back and relax  on Friday and Saturday nights. For Lebron, it should be just like an average fourth quarter.

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San Francisco Giants are in first place, and won tonight 3-2, despite an almost comical lack of offense. They may not repeat as World Series Champions, but the Giants have an almost certain lock on being named the official baseball team of Major League Soccer.

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The New York Yankees’ star relief pitcher Joba Chamberlain has undergone Tommy John surgery and will be out of the season. For many teams, this would be devastating. For the Yankees, it’s kind of like a really rich woman breaking a Manolo Blanhik shoe heel. Sad, but it’s time for some expensive shopping.

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Congressman (for now) Weiner wrote a handwritten note to his neighbors: “Please forgive the inconvenience of all the press outside. I am sorry for all I have done that has now impacted you. Hopefully it will soon pass. Anthony” If he’d only done handwritten notes in the first place, there might not be all those press outside.

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Hillary Clinton is still trying to retire her 2008 presidential campaign debt. So she is raffling off the chance for supporters to have a date for a day in New York with Bill. Responded Anthony Weiner “Hey, I’d have done it for nothing.”

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And here’s some fun for anyone reading this and bored on the weekend  – What historical event do we want an interviewer to ask Sarah Palin about next?

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