Posted tagged ‘Palin jokes’

It’s a learning thing.

September 6, 2015

Tom Brady on the Patriots’ locker room assistants who are suspended after Deflategate, said “It’s been a very tough situation for everybody. It’s put a lot of stress on everybody’s families. I feel bad that anybody is in the position that we’ve been put in. Hopefully we can just keep learning from life’s experiences…
Life lesson #1 – Little people take the fall.

Race to the bottom ? There are only 3 teams in ‪#‎MLB‬ baseball w/ 80 + losses;:they are ALL in the NL Least ‪#‎Marlins‬ ‪#‎Braves‬ ‪#‎Phillies‬

Tom Brady said he has “a great amount of respect for Roger Goodell.” I think I like. “didn’t know anything about deflated footballs” better.

And here we go. A Muslim flight attendant says she was suspended by regional airline ExpressJet (American Eagle-United Express) for refusing to serve alcohol because it is against her faith. So Ted Cruz, Scott Walker, etc., where’s the spirited defense of religious freedom here?

Sarah Palin on CNN – “Republicans are the party of tolerance.” And she says it with a straight face.

Sarah Palin thinks we should all “speak American.” And presumably all immigrants should start out by buying a copy of the “Oxford American Dictionary?”

Notre Dame star RB Tarean Foltson, the team’s leading rusher last year, is out for the season with a torn ACL. Bummer.  But maybe God’s plan for the Fighting Irish is that they spend New Year’s eve this year home with their families.

The Kansas State band has issued an apology for forming what appeared to be a phallic symbol pointed in the direction of  arch-rival Kansas during halftime performance Saturday. Of course, the whole brouhaha has done one thing -millions of Americans who never would have noticed have now seen the formation.

A man is accused of trying to carve his name into a wall at the Alamo. Shocking. You’d think someone that stupid wouldn’t be able to write.

Some in the GOP love to talk about religious freedom. So why aren’t any of them espousing true freedom: Follow whatever religion you want. Just don’t hurt anyone, and don’t take a job that forces you to compromise your beliefs.

Ohio Governor John Kasich, who says Kim Davis should do her job, on the Kentucky situation “When we see these kind of battles going on, I get a little bit afraid that it turns people off to the idea of faith in God I think we need to talk a lot about the do’s, about humility, about helping our neighbor, about the need to live a life bigger than ourselves.
So after his best efforts with Denali is Kasich trying to throw away the all-important GOP crazy vote?

A Bleacher Report story focuses on the recent lack of star QBs in college football. Because maybe with all the stories on concussions etc, the young men who are smart enough to be great QBs are smart enough to avoid football?

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Tommy don’t lose that number?

July 28, 2015

So why would an intelligent man destroy a cell phone when it absolutely would make him look guilty? If the messages destroyed would make him look worse. ‪#‎TomBrady‬

But really, don’t we all want to destroy our phones when we get a new one?  Because it’s so much fun re entering all those apps, contact information, bookmarks…

The “Bachelorette” is finally over. But after weeks of guilty fun watching a couple dozen crazy contestants whittled down to a winner, for a relationship not even based in reality, well, Americans still have the GOP primary.

Donald Trump is now saying he’d “love” to have Sarah Palin have some sort of position in his administration. That’s bold. Trump isn’t afraid Palin would take a shot at that furry thing that lives on his head?”

LaTroy Hawkins, 42, has been sent to Toronto along with Troy Tulowitzki. Bit of a waste. Hawkins gets to Canada and universal healthcare just before he becomes eligible for Medicare.

So Drew Storen has a 1.73 ERA and 29 saves out of 31 chances. And the Washington Nationals decide to bolster their playoff chances by adding… a temperamental closer (Papelbon). Same brilliant logic that had the team shut down Strasburg a few years back.

The Mets’ Jenrry Mejia, is now suspended 162 games for his 2nd failed PED test. Once you might think you’re invulnerable. The second time? Proves again that MLB drug testing is also an IQ test. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Boston claimed Jean Machi off waivers Tuesday. Are the Red Sox trying to bolster their struggling bullpen? Or just to pick up a former Giant with experience reducing the amount of food available to Pablo Sandoval at the training table?

So the hunter who illegally shot Cecil, Zimbabwe’s most famous, and protected. lion, is an American dentist who was put on probation in 2008 for lying about the location where he shot and killed a bear, and who regularly travels the world to shoot big cats, elk, bears, rhinos etc, with a bow and arrow instead of a gun. Why stop there? A real man would face one of these animals with no weapons at all.

Good. The AP reports “According to Zimbabwe police spokeswoman Charity Charamba, (Minnesota dentist) Walter Palmer will face charges of poaching. It is alleged that Palmer worked with the guides to lure Cecil from the national park to an unprotected area by strapping a “dead animal to their vehicle.” ‪#‎justiceforCecil‬

All choked up.

June 29, 2015

Cleaning out the chokes of large steamed artichokes for dinner and thinking that light-colored fuzzy stuff in the center bears a striking resemblance to Donald Trump’s “hair.” ‪#‎Coincidence‬?

Sunday was the Gay Pride parade in S.F. And no doubt the requisite number of tourists will have proclaimed themselves shocked and appalled. So much so that they had to stay until the bitter end to see just how shocking and appalling the event is…..

 

Two shows lasting over four hours each total for the Grateful Dead at Levi’s Stadium in Santa Clara. With more fans staying until the end each night than will probably be there in the 4th quarter of this year’s 49er games.

On the Peninsula south of San Francisco today, Caltrain had plenty of Orange and Black and Rainbows going north for the Giants and Pride Day, then later all the Tie-Dye going south for the Grateful Dead. Not sure if the train set ridership records,  but they sure did probably break all existing records for total colors.

Bristol Palin today “I made a mistake but not the mistake all these giddy a$$holes have loved to assume. This pregnancy was actually planned.” Hmm.. does Bristol think she’s only 17 more children away from her own reality show?

And let’s give her every benefit of the doubt and assume this “planned” pregnancy is from her former fiance. So the message is, “children need to be conceived within a tradtional marriage.  But as soon as you have the engagement ring, it’s open season?”

So is Bristol counting on her children not knowing how to count to 9? Or not having enough sex ed to know gestation times?

Madison Bumgarner has more home runs this year than Duane Kuiper had in his whole career. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

Maybe Madbum is the reason behind the SFGiants hitting renaissance. Who wants to be shown up by your own pitcher?

 

Lindsey Graham was the first Republican candidate to say that the GOP would be making a mistake to propose a Constitutional amendment against gay marriage. “I’m shocked,” said nobody.

Kobe Bryant said in an interview that he’s made some of his teammates cry.. Thought Kobe’s last two-year $48.5 million contract extension has made a LOT of Lakers’ fans cry.

 

 

Cincinnati Bengals defensive coordinator Paul Guenther told ESPN that Johnny Manziel should emulate Drew Brees. Well, sure, Manziel is only missing two things – temperament and talent.

 

In Texas, the state attorney general said that clerks, judges and justices of the peace opposed to SCOTUS’s “lawless’ opinion still could refuse to issue licenses and perform weddings based on their religious beliefs. Hmm, wonder if those Texans would be more likely to support gay weddings if both participants requested conceal carry licenses at the same time?

Or if  the happy couple showed up with firearms. Talk about a shotgun wedding.

What a long strange trip it’s been…

June 27, 2015

A crowd of over 70,000 turned up for the Grateful Dead concert tonight in Santa Clara, California, including many original “Deadhead” fans from the 60s, 70s and 80s, Hope these graying fans weren’t too disappointed when they finally hear how bad the band sounded without benefit of drugs.

In Las Vegas this morning the longest odds on any baseball team winning today was for the Miami Marlins without Giancarlo Stanton against the Los Angeles Dodgers with Clayton Kershaw on the mound ‪#‎thatswhytheyplaythegame‬.  (final score, 3-2 Marlins)

But really? One of the “top stories” headlines on USAToday.com today is “Stanton injury a crushing blow for fantasy owners.” As opposed to a blow to the Marlins, Marlins fans, or baseball fans in general who just like to watch a great player?

Meanwhile, there needs to be a constitutional amendment banning the wave at A T and T Park. ‪#‎sfgiants‬. ‪#‎thehorror‬

 

 

A Kuwait Airlines plane from New York to Kuwait was forced to make an emergency landing at Heathrow this morning, allegedly because passengers on board had food poisoning. Surely this can’t be serious. It is serious, and don’t call me Shirley…..

I wanted the Confederate flag down at the South Carolina statehouse as much as anyone. But removing Civil War games because they have images of the flag? Seems a bit too uncomfortably close to banning the “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn” because of the language.

Bill Cosby’s lawyer is arguing that it would be “terribly embarrassing” for the comedian if documents from a 2005 sex-assault lawsuit were unsealed. And his point is?

And of course Donald Trump had to weigh in on the SCOTUS gay marriage decision – “Once again the Bush appointed Supreme Court Justice John Roberts has let us down. Jeb pushed him hard! Remember!” Well, yeah, because the Donald believes in traditional marriage so much he’s had three of them.

(as a few friends pointed out… Roberts dissented.  It’s this kind of attention to detail that should make Trump such a formidable candidate…. for comedy writers at least.)

30 years later there’s going to be a “Top Gun 2,” with Tom Cruise reprising his role as “Maverick.” So now he’ll be “ridin’ into the danger zone” with his left blinker on.

 

Bristol Palin’s ex-fiance, Dakota Meyer, had a rhetorical post asking why with three deadly ISIS/ISIL terrorist attacks this week, people are so interested in a “dog and pony show” that is “inconsequential compared to that which is truly relevant.”

Unfortunately for Mr. Meyer, it may be precisely because the “real” news is so awful sometimes, that people are interested in something ridiculous, even if it isn’t amusing to the parties involved. And also in Bristol’s case, because we like seeing Karma in mean bitch mode.

 

 

 

 

From my SF Giants fan friend Mike Pettengill: “After 76 games:

Pablo Sandoval – 24R + 65H + 6HR + 24RBI + .270Avg + 10E = $17.6m
Matt Duffy – 27R + 63H + 7HR + 36RBI + .294Avg + 6E = $509,000”

Oh baby, baby

June 25, 2015

Bristol Palin has just announced that she’s pregnant. Again. Did she sign up for a bulk rate on that “born-again-virginity” deal?

Good news for ‪#‎BristolPalin‬, as an unemployed single-mom-of-two, she’ll still be able to get insurance with ‪#‎Obamacare‬.

#‎BristolPalin‬, on 2nd out-of-wedlock pregnancy -“trying to keep [my] chin up on this one.” Uh, keeping her chin up is not the problem. More like legs crossed.

So the Confederate flag is coming down across the country, and the Supreme Court upheld Obamacare. Is this all just a conspiracy to give Rush Limbaugh a coronary?

Judge Roberts, in his majority opinion upholding Obamacare did nonetheless chide that ACA is “inartful” and “does not reflect the type of care and deliberation that one might expect of such significant legislation.  As my friend Sarah B. said, that’s a more elegant way of saying what he really meant  –  “PROOF READ YOUR SH*T BEFORE YOU SEND IT TO VOTE FOR HEAVENS SAKE!!!

Senator Obama voted against the confirmation of Justice John Roberts. Just wondering, has the President issued a private apology?

Chris Christie will announce Tuesday that he is running for President. How long until the Highway Patrol pulls the clown car off the road for being dangerously overweight?

A Mountain View, California man who lives near Google has an Airbnb listing for a Coleman tent in his backyard. For $46 a night, or $899 a month.  And apparently he’s turning down business.  In related news, local R.E.I. stores are reporting a rush on tent sales.

R.I.P. Patrick Macnee, 93. He will forever be known, as “”that guy who was on the Avengers with the fabulous Diana Rigg.”

As if we needed more proof that Duke’ Coach K is one of the smartest college coaches ever. Krzyzewski told ESPN that he follows “a lot of people on Twitter. under an alias. I tell my guys, ‘I’m following you.’ Then if I see something, you text them, you gotta watch…”

Down in Tallahassee, freshman QB De’Andre Johnson has been suspended indefinitely from the football team for allegedly punching a female FSU student at a bar Wed. night when she cut in front of him while ordering drinks. “Indefinitely” meaning Coach Fisher will wait to see how Johnson does in practice before deciding whether to give him another chance?

San Antonio Spurs continue the tradition of picking players who most Americans have never heard of, with names they can’t spell, from places they can’t find on the a map. And he’ll probably be a star. ‪#‎NikolaMilutinov‬

(and follow the pick with a guy from Haiti.)

From Bill Littlejohn  “Report—there are 40 quarterbacks in the NFL that will make more than Russell Wilson this year.Not only that, but 5 QB’s in the SEC, as well.”

Counting crows?

June 4, 2015

So if it’s a pack of wolves, a murder of crows, what do you call all these wealthy people running for President in 2016? I’m thinking “an embarrassment of riches.”

Okay, giving the Duggars every benefit of the doubt and then some…. As Jim Bob excuses his son by saying it was a (14-15 year old) “child preying on a child.” And “there were a couple of instances where he touched them under their clothes, but it was like a few seconds.” Just trying to imagine their reaction if this “child” was a boy dating one of their “side-hug” only daughters.

A lot of conservatives are having problems with this whole Caitlyn Jenner thing. On one hand, they have issues with the idea of transgender people. On the other hand, the fact that Caitlyn will make more $$$ than Bruce ever did is ammunition for their belief that we don’t need laws requiring equal pay for women.

Sarah Palin has weighed in and blamed the Duggar family uproar on the “liberal media.” So congrats to all those who had June 4 in the pool.

The SF Giants went back to the White House Thursday to meet the President. Their first visit was in 2011. Wonder after that first meeting if the Giants or Obama were more surprised that the other was back there in 2015.

Apparently Lincecum missed the SF Giants’ White House visit today because he had gone ahead to Philadelphia to get ready to face the Phillies tomorrow. What a shame, Timmy was the one Giant who could have done some serious lobbying with Obama for marijuana legalization. ‪#‎letTimmysmoke‬

 

President Obama today as the SF Giants visited the White House for the third time in five years, “I mean, the truth is, it seems like if they get in, they’ll probably win it.” Clearly the same mantra dozens of candidates are using for the 2016 Presidential election.

At this point wouldn’t it be simpler and faster for all Republicans who AREN’T running for President to announce it?

Airline delay excuse of the day. On United a client reports lead flight attendant sliced his finger, had to get stitches so they had to get another attendant. Uh, wasn’t one of the points of TSA to take care of all the sharp objects?

Rick Perry is running for President again. And he’s smarter this time, because he has glasses. No doubt he’ll tell us three, or at least two reasons why….

John Bowlen, son of Denver Broncos owner Pat Bowlen, was arrested last night on domestic violence charges, following on John Elway’s son Jack’s arrest for domestic violence last year. Sounds like these guys are trying a little too hard to act like they fit in with NFL players.

The NCAA has charged UNC with five major violations connected to the school’s long-running academic fraud scandal. Now let’s see how they come up with “severe” punishments that don’t keep the men’s basketball team out of March Madness.

Irish “Ayes” are smiling.

May 23, 2015

Ireland is mostly a Catholic country.  And the Irish Constitution contains this phrase: “We, the people of Éire, Humbly acknowledging all our obligations to our Divine Lord, Jesus Christ, Who sustained our fathers through centuries of trial.” And with over 62 % voting in favor of gay marriage,  they’ve decided Jesus was indeed a tolerant guy. ‪#‎Fabulous‬

 

Patriots fans are planning a “Free Tom Brady” rally tomorrow from 11a to1p at Gillette Stadium. It’s described on FB as “a peaceful rally to protest the unjust football arrest of half God half man Tom Brady.” Wow. There must really not be much to do in Foxborough on Memorial Day weekend.

So on what would have been Bristol’s wedding day, the Palins and her ex-fiance’s family said they are still gathering for a barbecue at the Meyer’s farm in Kentucky. “‘On the year anniversary of our families meeting each other, this weekend is to appreciate both our families’ unconventional, unexpected chapters in exciting lives, with pages turning to more opportunities to live life vibrantly.” Possible translation – both families are thinking “We dodged a bullet.”

(Either that or no one wants to waste food when it’s too late to cancel the caterer?)

As a make-up doubleheader at Coors Field between Colorado and San Francisco had the first game  delayed over two hours and the second game delayed and almost rained out, MLB has to be thinking what a good thing it is that the Rockies are almost never season contenders.  Add fall and real snow potential  and it might take a month to play the World Series.

 

Unlikely sporting event: The Houston Rockets making it to the NBA Western Conference Finals. Even more unlikely sporting event: Houston fans saying “It’s okay when we lose, we still have the Astros.”

 

The minor-league Florida Stone Crabs planned “A-Rod Juice Box Night” tonight, where the first 500 fans got a free juice box, and any fans bringing A-Rod T-shirts, hats or other merchandise to be donated to the Salvation Army could get a free ticket. Alas it was cancelled after protests from the Yankees, whose spokesman said “We have taken many steps in last few hours to get them to cease and desist.” No doubt many many $tep$.

Atlanta’s Kent Bazemore, whose Hawks team is down 2-0 to the Cleveland Cavaliers – “I still think we’re the better team.” Thinking there were a lot of teams who were “better” than the SF Giants last year too.

In Cleveland, a white police officer was acquitted of manslaughter in a 2012 case where two unarmed black suspects whose car backfired while speeding past police headquarters were fatally shot in a 137-shot barrage. Because 140 or 150 shots would have been excessive force?

This would be funny if it weren’t so awful. An Arkansas state judge told police on Thursday to destroy the 2006 offense report on Josh Duggar. Mike Huckabee, who is publicly defending the family says the “victims wanted this left in the past,” so the destruction was “not to protect Josh, but the innocent victims.” ‪#‎JesusREALLYwept‬