Posted tagged ‘Congress jokes’

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First love, first hate.

October 12, 2013

An actual semi-serious post to start:  Well, as serious as sports gets  🙂

 

First love, first hate. They stick with you. Since 1986 – “You gotta like these kids” – I have been a die-hard SF Giants fan. But my first team growing up as a kid was the Detroit Tigers, my first favorite player, Mickey Lolich. (Had to empathize with the less than glamorous lefty.) Got lucky with a 1968 World Series win. But then 1971, and Lolich’s best year with 25 wins still left him a runner-up to Vida Blue for the Cy Young.   And in 1972, the Oakland A’s knocked the Detroit Tigers out in five games. The first ALCS playoff. Broke my heart. I was 13.

 

And I haven’t forgiven the A’s since. To the point, that, yes, I admit it, I wasn’t completely unhappy when Kirk Gibson hit that home run off Eck. 1989 didn’t help, but I have “forgiven” other teams who beat the Giants. The Tigers were my first love, the A’s, my first hate. And yes, I rooted for the Giants last year. But felt just a bit guilty.   So, Thursday night made me happy. And even though I was born in Boston, game one of the ALCS made me happy.   And JV and company,  hope you bring a trophy with those little flags back to a city that could really use it.

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Now back to less serious stuff, like football:

Clemson  suspended two players for “poor behavior.” And NY Giants fans said “You can do that?”

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Lane Kiffin said today his firing was “very difficult.”. And USC fans are thinking “not as difficult as watching the teams you coached.”

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Texas wins big over Oklahoma in the “Save Mack Brown’s Job Bowl.”

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From my friend Karen T.   “Dear Jackass ESPN Announcer Calling the Michigan v Penn State Game: Jerry Sandusky was not involved in a “sex scandal”. Jerry Sandusky is a pedophile and a serial child molester.  Yes, there IS a difference and yes, it DOES matter.

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Stanford lost 27-21 today.    And a near comeback fell short when a 3rd and 2 at the 6 with a minute left resulted into calls for two incomplete passes.   Is it a rule that a #Stanford football coach must have a brain cramp once a season?   

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In the misery loves company department, Stanford fans might have some sympathy for Michigan. Up a touchdown with 30 seconds left, the Wolverines lost 43-40 in 4 OTS. After missing 3 of 4 FGs that could have won the game in the first 3 OTS.

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In a recent poll, 22% of Americans admitted to not knowing which party their current member of Congress belongs to. Of course, the harder question might have been “Name your member of Congress.”

(And has my friend David mentioned, how many think they know and are wrong?)

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Okay, if we HAVE to pay Congress during the shutdown, can we at least fine them for each day it goes on…. say an amount exactly equal to that day’s pay?

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The playing’s the thing.

October 6, 2013

Navy beat Air Force in a game played Saturday despite the government shutdown. Now, if somehow due to security issues ALL football games were cancelled during the shutdown, this thing would be over by 1p Sunday – the time of the first NFL kickoffs.

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During all these college football games, universities like to run commercials touting their academics complete with lots of pictures. A shame players probably don’t see the ads, many of them would enjoy seeing what the classrooms look like.

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Listening to some of these members of Congress who say they NEED their paychecks: If you can’t live on $174,000 a year with a little cushion for emergencies how dare you say you know how to manage taxpayer money?

 

Oops, regulators had to halt trading in Tweeter Home Entertainment Group after their shares surged 2,200%, to 15 cents. Tweeter went out of business in 2007, but their symbol TWTRQ, is one letter shorter than Twitter’s TWTR, which will IPO in November. Right, if we privatize social security what could POSSIBLY go wrong?

 

 

Obama said that if he were the owner of the Washington Redskins, and he knew the name was “offending a sizable group of people,” then he would “think about changing it.’ Now, if the President did suddenly own the Redskins, he’d start with some real bipartisan goodwill, as the current owner offends nearly everyone. #DanSnydersucks

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Alabama 45, Georgia State 3.    But the Crimson Tide didn’t cover the 55 point spread yet. Once again, showing that the official food of the SEC should be the cupcake.

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Headline about the driver shot and killed outside the Capitol last week “Police say woman deluded about Obama.” Uh, doesn’t that describe most Fox News viewers?

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Getting the sense that John Boehner has backed himself into a round room and is looking to hide in a safe corner. #Shutdown

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The House is apparently behind a resolution to give back pay to furloughed government employees for the time they end up not working. Are they trying to turn them all into honorary members of Congress?

 

Texas Gov. Rick Perry, asked why 2/3 of the uninsured in Texas have jobs — but no health care. “Again, it goes back to the choice that people get to make. Would you rather have a job, or would you rather be on public assistance? It’s as simple as that.” I guess it’s also a simple choice not to get sick?

 

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Stanford out-gained by 200 yards tonight but hung on to win 31-28. No first downs in the fourth quarter… This time Cardinal fans were glad all the East Coast viewers had gone to bed.

 

 

NY Giants vs. Philadelphia Eagles on Sunday afternoon. Scary thing is, somebody has to win.

 

From Marc Ragovin:   “The NFC East is so weak, I think one more Giants’ loss and they clinch a first round bye.

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Games people play

October 5, 2013

Now John Boehner is urging President Obama to negotiate on the shutdown, saying “This is not some damn game.” Well, if it’s not some damn game, why doesn’t the Speaker simply call a damn vote.

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Apparently the elevators at O.co Coliseum have already had issues. Everyone has fingers crossed for the plumbing. When they talk about if Oakland can make it to game 5 or 7 in a series, they may really mean whether the stadium will hold up that long.

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If you don’t have a NL team to root for to get to the World Series, may I suggest Pittsburgh. Not only are the Pirates the underdogs, but they have a fun young team, a beautiful stadium, and oh yeah, it will drive ratings-hungry Fox television executives crazy.

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Dusty Baker was fired by the Reds when Cincinnati once again failed to make it out of the first round, in their third playoff appearance in the last four years. Three in the last four years. Somewhere Cubs fans are just weeping.

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The Atlanta Braves didn’t even sell out their playoff game Thursday night. Maybe to increase attendance they should play during the halftime of a University of Georgia football game?

 

This Max Scherzer guy is pretty good. Maybe if ESPN and FOX hadn’t been so focused on Yankees-Red Sox more Americans might care about the ALDS because they would have seen the Tigers, and for that matter the As, play several games.

 

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LA Dodgers hit into so many double plays Friday night; if it weren’t for the color of their uniforms fans might think they are watching the 2013 SF Giants.

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Alex Rodriguez is now suing Bud Selig. Any way they can both lose? #douchebags

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A-Rod says in his lawsuit that ‘MLB is trying to destroy me.” Methinks the Yankees slugger is doing a pretty good job of that by himself.

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Friday night, Alex Rodriguez filed his second lawsuit of the day. This time against the Yankees team doctor and the hospital for misdiagnosing his left hip injury during the 2012 playoffs. Shame A-Rod’s lawyers can’t file a lawsuit against the guy in his mirror.

 

Jesse Ventura said on CNN’s Crossfire tonight that he might run for President in 2016. Even Donald Trump is thinking “You’re delusional.”

 

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Another thought on the GOP government shutdown “Kamikaze missions rarely turn out well, least of all for the pilots.” From the editorial pages of that commie pinko rag, the Wall Street Journal.

 

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Penn Gov. Tom Corbett, asked about his lawyers’ statement comparing legalizing gay marriage to legalizing marriage for children “It was an inappropriate analogy. I think a much better analogy would have been brother and sister.” So what is Corbett doing? Trying to divert media attention from the crazies in Congress?

 

 

 

Let them eat cake, after they put in on layaway first?   Nebraska GOP Rep. Lee Terry on still accepting his salary during the shutdown: “Dang straight. I’ve got a nice house and a kid in college, and I’ll tell you we cannot handle it. Giving our paycheck away when you still worked and earned it? That’s just not going to fly.”

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Orange Tuesday?

October 2, 2013

President Obama could end this showdown with Boehner today by issuing an executive order saying that due to the FDA inspector furloughs all tanning salons must be shut immediately.

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I do hope Americans who support the Tea Party’s shutting down the government will show their solidarity by not using interstate highways, taking airline flights, cashing Social Security checks etc….

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The government shutdown apparently might result in the cancellation of the Air Force-Army football game this weekend. Now we’re getting serious. If by some chance this thing start affecting the NFL Americans will storm the barricades for a resolution.

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It’s not just Lane Kiffin who’s unemployed. UConn just let Paul Pasqualoni go after an 0-4 start. The number one reaction? UConn has a football team.

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The U.C. Berkeley campus was closed last night due to a power outage caused by a chemical spill and explosion. This is not be be confused with the power outage suffered last Saturday by the Cal football team at Eugene.

If this keeps up John Boehner may actually make many of us miss Newt Gingrich.

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Just wondering, when we finally end this shutdown, and we will, assume the GOP is okay with the Democrats also following the “will of the people” and shutting down the government again over gun control?

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Let’s see, the FCC is shut. Which means Jon Stewart is on the honor system not to say anything too profane this week.

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A New Jersey man is facing charges after he texted the wrong number by mistake saying he had 1/4 lb of marijuana for sale. The text ended up going to a detective… Guess that short-term memory loss includes nine-digit numbers.

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From T.C.  “Sunday’s Raiders game has been pushed back to 8:30pm due to the A’s playoff game on Saturday. Supposedly it takes over 24 hours to remove the sewage from the baseball game and replace it with fresh sewage for football.”

A Pittsburgh win in October? Since when did they start Tuesday Night Football?

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But really, the last time the Pirates were in the playoffs was 1992.    How long ago was that?   Bud Selig was saying he would soon step down as acting commissioner.  And we expected Clinton to be the next president.

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The party (bus) is over…?

September 23, 2013

It’s only September, and we may have the NFL injury of the year: Ravens WR Jacoby Jones, already rehabbing a knee injury, was hurt Sunday night when he was hit over the head on a party bus by a stripper wielding a champagne bottle

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Phil Jackson’s fiancee Jeannie Buss just wrote that she felt the hiring of Mike D’Antoni as head coach last year was “a betrayal.””Phil wasn’t looking for the job, and then he wasted 36 hours of his life preparing for it when they were never in a million years going to hire him anyway.” “Wasted 36 hours of his life?” The horror. Most people have done that on a random weekend.-

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Costa Concordia captain Francesco Schettino’s trial has begun. And Italian authorities confirmed that they have revoked his Schettino’s maritime navigational license, so he will never again be able to captain a ship. Bummer for all those cruise companies who were lined up to offer him a job at this point…

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President Obama says he finally gave up smoking because he said he  was “scared of my wife.” Wow.. If that worked for all vices Bill Clinton might never have done anything to get himself impeached.

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Sarah Palin is now saying that Hillary Clinton is “ill-suited” to being president. Some statements are their own punchlines.

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Do these online sites have no one to monitor headlines? The NY Post has a big headline on the Kenya mall massacre. Alongside their #1 story “Giants slaughtered by Panthers.”

 

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How tangled is this baseball web Bud Selig has woven become? If the Reds and Pirates finished tied, do they have a one-game playoff to decide who gets home field advantage in the one-game playoff?

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From my friend Jim Barach:   A Hollywood studio is charging $349 to prepare dogs that qualify as cabin pets for a safe and calm airline flight. Now if someone could only do the same with Alec Baldwin.

(personally, think the program would be useful for a lot of humans.)

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Depressing thought, The A’s play in a decrepit mess of a stadium. But if the Rays and Indians make the postseason, Oakland will be the playoff team with only the third worst attendance.

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Ted Cruz is quoted in GQ saying that conservatives were “embarrassed” to vote for president in 2008. And no doubt McCain thinks the same about Texas Republicans voting for Senate in 2012.

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“Saturday Night Live” became the series with the most Emmys ever, picking up its 40th last night for directly. “Shocking” thought many Americans “SNL is still on the air?”

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Leaving aside whether you believe or don’t believe in Obamacare, a simple question. Do we REALLY want to create a system where if one party doesn’t like what the President and Congress (and the Supreme Court) have done, they shut the government down? And someday, it’s going to be the Democrats in the reverse position.

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Testing, one, two, three….

August 22, 2013

Ryan Braun issued a statement acknowledging that he took PED’s in 2011, the year he won the NL MVP. “I’m shocked,” said at this point absolutely nobody.

Re #RyanBraun‘s apology for using steroids. Think I’ll actually believe the first guy who apologizes for using #PEDS BEFORE he gets caught.

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Really? Apparently in regards to an HGH testing agreement, Congress is threatening to get involved because the NFL and the NFL Players Association have gotten so little done. Pot meet kettle. Kettle, pot.

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80 GOP members of Congress urged Boehner to trigger a government shutdown rather than fund the implementation of “Obamacare.” Since they feel this way, I do hope the members are also voluntarily cancelling their own expensive government funded healthcare.

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Some Roman tourists were charged $130 for four coffees with liqueurs at a Venice cafe. Upon hearing the news, Starbucks instructed their lawyers to look into the costs of liquor licenses.

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You can’t make this “stuff” up: On Family Feud the question was “Name a state that ends with the letter “A.”  One contestant’s response:  “Arkansas.”

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FOX is going to charge $4 million for 30-second Super Bowl ads. Wow. That kind of $$ for a pay-to-play ratio is almost on the level of Simon Cowell’s future child support.

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Not saying the 2013 SF Giants are playing like they’ve checked out, but they’ve just been voted the favorite team of the National Librarians Association.

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#AaronHernandez was expected to be indicted for murder today. Quick, time for the #Patriots to release another #Tebow story.

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This item passed along by Ryan Duca. Apparently when Nationals manager Davey Johnson showed for a Washington radio show. the story came up about Boston Red Sox catcher Mike Napoli’s apparently dating an “adult film actress”/porn star. Johnson’s reply: “Well none of my guys could, ’cause we can’t score.”

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Bradley Manning is now referring to himself as Chelsea, and wants to begin hormone therapy right away in prison. Given the way he feels about the U.S. Government, however, I assume he is looking for private donations to pay for it?

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David Ortiz told a reporter than he disapproved of Ryan Dempster throwing at Alex Rodriguez. I’m sure the fact that Big Papi was named in the Mitchell Report as allegedly testing positive for steroids in 2003 had nothing to do with it….

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From T.C.  “Tiger Woods, complaining of a sore neck and back, did not play the back nine of his pro-am Wednesday in New Jersey because he said his mistress, I mean mattress, at the hotel was too soft.”

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And okay, for a serious end to this post, we’ve heard enough about the young black/biracial thugs in Oklahoma. How about these two black women? You go girls.

http://www.cnn.com/2013/08/22/us/georgia-school-shooting-911-reunion/index.html?hpt=hp_t1

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Midsummer classic?

June 18, 2013

You know a season might have gone on too long when you hear the term #MidsummerClassic and think possible #NBA finals game 7.

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The makers of Oreos have come out with a new watermelon flavored Oreo with pink and green fillings. “We think (it’s) a fun summer creme flavor that goes great with our Golden Oreo cookie,” a spokeswoman said. Here’s an idea, how about if you like watermelon flavor you pair your cookies with actual FRUIT.

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And who had this… as of right now Justin Verlander has the fourth best ERA of Detroit Tigers’ starters. Behind   Doug Fister, Anibal Sanchez , and Max Scherzer.

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Chris Christie says his favorite baseball team is the NY Mets. Makes some sense. Their performance usually guarantees he will look good by comparison.

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Dick Cheney says that after his heart transplant says he now wakes up each morning “with a smile on my face, thankful for the gift of another day I never expected to see.” Wonder if he’s privately thinking, if I knew I’d have felt this good, I’d have shot a potental donor a long time ago.

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Brilliant NBA finals half-time analysis: If the Heat don’t play better in the second half they are going to lose. Uh, considering the Spurs were up six at half, a pretty good guess.

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Gosh, a no call on a Heat foul on Manu Ginóbili driving for a potential game winner? Who’d a thunk that might happen in Miami?

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#NBAFinals referees. Combining the accurary of MLB umps with the integrity of Olympic figure skating.

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The NY Yankees and LA Dodgers are playing an interleague series. What were SF Giants fans rooting for? Presumably rain.

(Which they got  – a rainout.  Though Bill Schmarzo suggests “No, a 45 inning extra game where they blow the arms of all their relievers.”)

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Birthers, they’re baaack……This time it’s South Carolina GOP Rep. Jeff Duncan questioning Obama’s birth certificate and thus the “President’s validity.” Although no doubt Duncan has no problem with Ted Cruz, who Republicans say is “natural-born” enough because he was born in Canada to a mother who was a U.S. citizen.

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My friend Howard Fox notes:   “Kim Kardashian’s daughter already has one thing in common with her mom. She’s famous for absolutely nothing.”

My thought  –  So how long until Kim leaks the birth tape as a 2 DVD set with her sex tape?

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#Funwithstats    In 2012, Texas and Florida were the top two states for guns seized at airports by TSA, with 255 and 129 respectively. Although the highest totals at individual airports were Atlanta with 97 and DFW with 80. Phoenix, a much smaller airport, was 3rd with 54. But as Arizona says “We try harder.”

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San Jose is suing MLB over the league’s endless delays on a vote about the Oakland A’s moving to their city. Wonder if Bud Selig will assemble a team of “blue ribbon” lawyers to fight the suit.

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All you baseball fans on the East Coast, you are missing the late-night emergence of the Giants’ Juan Perez…. 4 outfield assists in a handful of games, one game-winner taken away by Venable’s catch last night, one 3-2, 2 out hit in the 8th to give SF the lead…. Puig who?

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And we wonder why Congress has 10% approval ratings. Speaker John Boehner says “I don’t see any way of bringing an immigration bill to the floor (for a vote) that doesn’t have majority support of Republicans.” And yet, he and the GOP will have a vote today on a bill banning abortions after 22 weeks that will not make it through the Senate, and which Obama would veto anyway.

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A serious thought for a change. Wonder how much of the mess in this country we could be fixed by getting rid of gerrymandered Congressional borders. It’s not just that the Democrats won 1.4 million more House votes in 2012, it’s that right now House members only have to please their carefully engineered safe districts and have no incentive to compromise.

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Screwed or not to be screwed?

May 30, 2013

It could have been a long day when….. you are about to try to to put a corkscrew into a nice bottle of wine….and realize it’s a screwtop.

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Not that it mattered in the end, open note to all morons: If you make enough money to afford seats in the front row for a baseball game, you should be smart enough to keep your hands OFF a ball that is in play. (Yes, I’m talking to you, idiot who might have cost the Giants a triple.

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Although after another rough night  -for SF Giants’ fans –  maybe the #SFGiants would let #OaklandAs move to San Jose.  If the A’s  agreed to scrap those regular inter-league games?

(Say, aren’t the Seattle Mariners looking for a rival?)

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The SEC voted today 13-1 to keep playing only 8 football conference games a year instead of 9. Which could cost them TV ratings, but hey, 9 games means one less game against teams like Kent State, Chattanooga, and the Little Sisters of the Poor.

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The bad news: Two U.S Embassy officials were shot in an altercation at a Caracus, Venezuela strip club. The good news: Their injuries are not life-threatening, and they aren’t Secret Service.

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Wouldn’t be shocked to see GOP call for a Congressional committee to look into the two Embassy employees shot and wounded in a Caracas strip club. But if they do, in the spirit of bipartisan cooperation, Bill Clinton has volunteered to head the investigation.

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Dear Gawd. Several Penn State trustees and former players, along with Joe Paterno’s family, are reportedly planning to sue the NCAA over the Sandusky sanctions. Only folks who may be happy about this are in Rutgers’ AD. Would take their mess right off the front page.)

 

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John McCain, after his sneak visit to Syria, says he is now more resolved that the U.S. must increase our involvement in their internal conflict. Leaving aside how well it usually turns out when we go into the Mid East, where is it written in the GOP handbook that deficits don’t count if they are incurred by the military?

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A woman turned in a loaded semi-automatic pistol found on a ride at Walt Disney World’s Animal Kingdom, and a Florida man was asked to leave the park when he tried to retrieve the gun, which he said had fallen from his pocket. The man said he had a concealed weapons permit and didn’t realize Disney did not allow firearms. Your move, Arizona.

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Usher, who discovered Justin Bieber at the age of 13, told Ellen this week that he hops the young man “will continue to mature” Shocking? Usher thinks Bieber has started to mature?

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Baseball-softball, along with wrestling and squash, made the final three as the IOC decides which single sport to reinstate in the 2020 Olympics. If baseball-softball doesn’t end up winning, however, fans of amateur baseball will still have the little league, college games and the Houston Astros.

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Michele Bachmann says she is not running for re-election. And somewhere Jon Stewart is weeping..

 

So now it looks like there’s actually a legitimate chance for the NBA finals to be Indianapolis-San Antonio. ESPN is ready… to talk about potential changes to the NFL schedule..

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Silver lining department from T.C.  NCAA just announced that Rutgers has won both the men’s and women’s awards — for dodgeball.

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Almost idle?

May 9, 2013

Well, at least one #AmericanIdol judge isn’t being fired after this season. Randy Jackson has announced he is quitting.

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It will be an interesting American Idol finale. But how many people would would vote to keep Angie – the woman voted off tonight  -as a judge next week, and send Nicki Minaj home?

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For teams with taxpayer-funded stadiums, Senator John McCain has a bill that wants to eliminate NFL TV blackouts for games that aren’t sold out. Every once in a while McCain reminds me why I used to like him.

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“Arya” was the fastest rising baby name for girls in 2012, thanks to the popularity of “Game of Thrones.” And 40-50 years from now women will curse their parents because everyone will know exactly how old they are.

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After watching last night’s Golden State-San Antonio game even the #Lakers said the #Spurs looked old.

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Detroit DT Nick Fairley says that in 2013 the Lions are going to the Super Bowl. Even Cubs fans think he’s delusional.

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Maxim’s hot-100 list for 2013 includes at #69 – Lennay Kekua – Manti Te’o’s fake girlfriend. Well, I guess having a fake girlfriend means never having to say “Yes, dear.”

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San Francisco is getting its first Applebee’s. Down on Fisherman’s Wharf near Bubba Gump’s and Rainforest Cafe. So even more tourists can go home and say the food out here is “nothing special.”

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In a poll of the 100 most-trusted Americans, Jimmy Carter, 88, is the highest on the list at #24.   Maybe because of the good works he has done since leaving the Presidency. Or maybe because most people think he’s too old to remember how to lie.

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No one should feel sorry for a team that has won 2 World Series titles in 3 years. But as the SF Giants’ Ryan Vogelsong saw his ERA go up tonight to 7.78, the starting pitcher they traded to “rent” Carlos Beltran in 2011, Zach Wheeler, is close to a call up with the NY Mets. (This post is for my otherwise unhappy Dodger fan friends, enjoy. :-))

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We’re only at most, halfway through the second round of the NBA playoffs, and ZERO games Thursday night. Guess the league doesn’t want to do anything that would provide fans anything less than a two month postseason.

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Ah justice. An Arizona court will delay the decision on whether or not convicted killer Jodi Arias should be put to death because she is currently on “suicide watch.”

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Not PC, but the more we hear about the Cleveland rape-kidnap suspect, the more I think, is there any more room in that grave they found for the Boston bomber? And no need to kill him first.

(Of course, while we’re being un-PC, and on the subject of his potential “suicide watch,”  my sense is regarding this monster is that a lot of Americans would pay to watch..)

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From TC  “According to Forbes.com, Tim Tebow is the most influential athlete on sports fans for 2013. He beat out the likes of swimmer Michael Phelps and Yankees Derek Jeter. Obviously, no coaches, GMs or owners have ever visited Forbes.com”

 

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Sweeping into Monday

May 6, 2013

The Los Angeles #Dodgers are getting such poor results for $$ spent in 2013, there’s talk of renaming the team the Los Angeles Congress.

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Matt Cain didn’t get his first win until today, May 5, and Giants’ starting pitchers got their first win since April 21. Wonder how many people hearing those stats would imagine that SF would be in first place with a six-game winning streak….

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ESPN showing Pablo Sandoval’s “hot” batting zones: Looks like some sort of random modern art painting.

((for the uninitiated, the SF Giants’ “Panda” will swing at anything, and can hit anything. Even if it just about bounces. Better it seems at balls out of the strike zone than strikes.)

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Yet another injury. NY SS Eduardo Nunez left today’s game with tightness in his left rib cage. Are the Yankees trying to compete with the Dodgers is some bizarre game of Baseball Survivor?

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Proving once again, that a high IQ and education are not mutually exclusive with stupidity: Harvard professor Niall Ferguson suggested in remarks after a speech that John Maynard Keynes’ being homosexual and not having children meant he wasn’t as invested in future generations as others might be.

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Air India has suspended a pilot and two flight attendants after reports that the pilot and co-pilot left the cockpit at the same time for a nap and left the flight attendants in their seats. Guess this is going to put a damper on those cockpit happy hours.

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Still controversy over where to bury the dead Boston bomber. Suppose it would be un-PC to suggest his body be placed in a pressure cooker with explosives and blown up somewhere off the coast of Massachusetts.

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Poped out.

March 13, 2013

Bummer. They chose a new Pope today and America didn’t even have a chance to hear the top ten sing.

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The new Pope, Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Buenos Aires, was taken  immediately after his election to get his new clothes and be given time to pray in the “Room of Tears,”   Wonder if they piped in the music “Don’t cry for me, Argentina?

 

So the papal conclave in Rome is over   – they sent out white smoke.

Meanwhile with the sequester in Washington – they’re still blowing smoke.

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V.P. Joe Biden, a Catholic to serve as vice president, will lead the U.S. delegation to next week’s formal installation of the new Pope.   Will they send up white smoke when Biden’s speech is over?

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The “Catholic 7” said they will announced new members for their new basketball conference in 7-10 days. So will they announce their choices with white or black smoke?

(Michael Duca reminds us that “White smoke can’t jump.”)

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Miley Cyrus, who’s been attempting a comeback, now apparently has split with her fiancé, Liam Hemsworth. Maybe Miley can talk to Taylor Swift for tips on writing a song about it..

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Kobe Bryant has sprained his ankle and is out indefinitely. Can’t wait to hear Dwight Howard tell him to play through the pain.

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A corgi in Helen Mirren’s London play “The Audience” about Queen Elizabeth II has been fired for not obeying commands. While the dog was supposed to be playing the Queen’s pet, clearly she saw herself more in the role of a cat.

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Marriott is going to partner with Ikea for a budget brand in Europe, which will be known as Moxy Hotels. Guess we can expect Moxy to put a whole new spin on the concept of making your own bed.

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The Senate Judiciary Committee passed a universal background check bill to close the gun show loophole on a strict 10-8 party line vote. What is it with those in the GOP who don’t think you need ID check to buy a gun, but you do need it to cast a ballot?

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Sen. Ted Cruz says he is willing to risk a govt shutdown if Obamacare is not defunded. Leaving the Supreme Court decision and the 2012 election out of it, if Cruz cares so much about the budget why doesn’t he personally step up and volunteer to defund Congressional healthcare?

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Am I the only one who doesn’t get it? So Michael Vick has to cancel his book tour because of outrage, and Ray Lewis just signed a contract with ESPN…..

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Job Creation?

March 9, 2013

Mitt Romney is returning to work, joining his son Tagg’s investment firm. Well, does President Obama get credit for creating at least this one job?

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The cardinals will start voting in Rome Tuesday to elect a new Pope.   The Vatican has announced that no Cardinal over the age of 80 will be allowed to vote. Guess this is the Church’s idea of a youth movement?

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The answer to “Have you no shame?” is sometimes “Yes.”: After President Obama signed the Violence Against Women Act.”. Sen. John Cornyn of Texas released a statement titled, “Cornyn Bill to Eliminate Nationwide Rape Kit Backlog Signed Into Law.” Now Cornyn’s Sexual Assault Forensic Evidence Reporting (SAFER) Act WAS rolled into the VAWA bill. Except Cornyn voted AGAINST it.

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A news report yesterday on Venezuelans filing past to pay their respects to Hugo Chavez said the leader looked “pale and gaunt.” Gosh, so this cancer thing could be serious.

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In talking about all the Yankees injuries, Derek Jeter said “it’s as if someone had voodoo dolls or something.” And in Boston they’re thinking “Who snitched?”

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From an Feb 2013 op-ed in the Washington Times about “my plan for comprehensive reform.” : “Border security, including drones, satellite and physical barriers, vigilant deportation of criminals and increased patrols would begin immediately.” The author? Rand Paul.

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An TSA undercover agent with a fake explosive device in his pants made it through two security checkpoints, including a pat-down, at Newark airport last month. On the other hand, security did find hundreds of four ounce shampoo bottles.

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Hooters is apparently trying to attract women customers by upgrading their food. Here’s another idea, add good looking scantily-clad MALE waiters.

New Math?  Got to love it, on the nutritional information label of a “Safeway Select” package of appetizers, it says “Serving size – 5, Servings per container – About 2.” Number of appetizers listed on the package, and actually in the container – 8.

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The U.K. Daily Mail reports that that in Montana, Gregory C. Rodriguez, the television host of “Rifleman’s Journal” and editor of “Shooting Times Magazine,” was allegedly shot dead by the husband of woman he was visiting…. Gosh, if Rodriguez only had a gun to defend himself.

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So the same week Joy Behar announced she was leaving “the View,” Elisabeth Hasselbeck was fired. Women are thinking, “Wow, wonder what happened.” Men are thinking “Who are these women and what view are we talking about?”

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From T.C.  ”

Queen Elizabeth spent the weekend in the hospital being treated for gastroenteritis, a stomach infection. Her Majesty still did what she gets paid for, sitting on the throne.

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Snow place like home.

December 22, 2012

The Green Bay Packers got over 600 volunteers to shovel snow off of Lambeau Field so their game can be played this Sunday. Many New York fans are wishing they could shovel snow onto their field so the Jets Sunday game could be cancelled.

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Baylor RB Lache Seastrunk told a reporter this week “I’m going to win the Heisman. I’m going to win it in 2013” Well, if he doesn’t win the award, Seastrunk is at least looking cocky enough to be drafted by the Dallas Cowboys.

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Olympic medalist Suzy Favor Hamilton has reportedly been working recently as a very high priced call girl. Sort of gives a whole new meaning to “going for the gold.”

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A new study from Columbia University Medical Center finds that being chronically stressed is as dangerous as smoking five cigarettes a day. Presumably even if you’re stressed from trying to quit smoking.

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Francisco Liriano, who was 6-12 with a 5.34 ERA in 2012, was signed to a 2 year, $14 million contract by the Pittsburgh Pirates.  Wow.  The only way such an ineffective performance like that is normally rewarded is by being re-elected to Congress.

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A recent Rasmussen poll has John Boehner replacing Nancy Pelosi as the most disliked member of Congress. If this keeps up, the Speaker may have Oompa Loompas accuse him of conduct detrimental to the image of Orange people.

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So in his “armed guards in schools” speech today, NRA Executive V.P Wayne LaPierre also indicated he wants to get rid of violent video games. Where’s the conservative outrage over too much potential government interference on this one?

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And just wondering, if we have armed employees at schools and they join the teachers’ unions, when do they become a special-interest group that is a drain on the economy.  Or just plain old union thugs?

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While the gun debate rages on, in Pennsylvania a gunman injured three state troopers after shooting and killing three other people, including a woman at a church. So will the NRA call next week for armed guards at all churches?

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Top high school prospect Jarabi Parker is apparently being harrassed on Twitter over his decision to attend Duke (over BYU, Florida, Michigan State and Stanford). But come on folks, get a life, he’ll only be a Blue Devil for one year anyway….

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Great, so today Facebook was asking today  “How are you feeling, Janice?” Then it asks “How’s it going, Janice?” Guess this answers that question – “Whatever happened to HAL?”    Then at 11p on a Friday – “What’s happening, Janice?” Jeez, FB has gone from acting like HAL to spouting bad pickup lines?

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Trojan failure?

November 27, 2012

Anyone remember that Stanford opening game 20-17 football win against San Jose State? And Cardinal fans were thinking it was going to be a VERY long year. Well, guess who’s ranked #25? Yep, those San Jose State Spartans. Higher in fact, than USC.

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But really, the Spartans over the Trojans?  Shouldn’t a wooden horse be involved?

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So maybe the Philadelphia Eagles and USC Trojans save contract money by just swapping coaches? Both Andy Reid and Lane Kiffin seriously underachieved this year with their professional teams.

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UCLA’s men’s basketball team lost 70-68 on Sunday to Cal Poly (San Luis Obispo). Just as well John Wooden has passed away, otherwise this would have killed him.

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The NFL will not suspend Detroit Lions DT Ndamukong Suh will for kicking Houston Texans QB Matt Schaub in the groin. Allegedly because they weren’t sure it was intentional. You think if it were a no-name player from a sub .500 team that the league would have cared about the distinction?

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Kyrsten Sinema, elected in a very close Arizona race, will now be Congress’s first openly bisexual member. Not to be confused with a number of Congressmen who have been known to buy sex.

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Grover Norquist said today that his Americans for Tax Reform group would work to unseat Republicans who break their pledge to never vote for higher taxes. If Norquist has this much power, how do any Democrats get re-elected?

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Apparently anyone who wants to can spend $125 a ticket- $3000 a table – plus food and drink – simply to be in the same Vegas nightclub as Kim Kardashian on New Year’s Eve. (Although Kim and friends will be in a separate VIP area.) One word – “Why?”

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A recent CNN poll indicates more than 2/3 of Americans predict that congress will handle that “fiscal cliff” like “spoiled children.” Not true. Spoiled children still often act ultimately in their own self-interest.

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A-Rod and his latest girlfriend, Torrie Wilson, a former Playboy model and professional wrestler, spent the weekend in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. No word on the size of their suite, but presume it had plenty of mirrors.

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Anyone looking for material? On Cyber Monday, (or Cyber Tuesday, as the case may be)  my comedy writing friend Neil Berliner and I would like to announce that all our Mitt Romney jokes will be 47% off.

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Liars and jokers and clowns, oh my….

December 21, 2011

Mitt Romney is slowly picking up endorsements from GOP leaders, presumably who are all singing under their breath – “Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”

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Actor Tom Cruise told People magazine today that “Every day I fall more in love,” with wife Katie Holmes. Who says platonic marriages don’t work?

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Former American Idol runner-up David Archuleta has announced he is taking a break from his singing career to go on a two-year Mormon mission. This news surprised many music fans, who didn’t realize Archuleta still had a singing career.

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Just how stupid do they think Americans are getting? Got a nice gift of two bottles of wine in a box this Christmas. The description tag says “No refrigeration required.”

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As part of the Ohio State sanctions, former coach Jim Tressel, was hit with a five-year “show-cause” order (meaning a school will need to “show cause” why they hire him and face sanctions if they do.) You know what that means, look for Tressel to follow Pete Carroll to the NFL.

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The NCAA sanctions for Ohio State apparently include a bowl ban for 2012. Actually a more appropriate punishmanent might have been – allow the team to play but ban them from receiving ANY memorabilia.

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Congratulations to the Stanford women’s basketball team, who knocked off Tennessee tonight 97-80. But kudos also to Tennessee coach Pat Summitt, 59, who is still coaching after a diagnosis of early onset dementia, and is putting a brave and public face on a very nasty disease.

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The U.S. House decided to leave for their holiday break, without even voting on the payroll tax cut extension. Hmm, with most Americans if we don’t do our jobs before vacation, we don’t get paid, or we get fired when we come back.

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John Boehner apparently asked President Obama to order the Senate to appoint negotiators to work out a compromise with the House on a payroll tax-cut extension. Is this a budget battle or a NFL/NBA type lockout?

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Bipartisan rant: Not that it will ever happen, but while we’re in the season of wish lists, could we outlaw this stupid procedure of putting stuff in Congressional bills that have nothing to do with the bill itself? (Not talking about ways to pay for the bill, but stuff like pipelines, various pork, etc. And yes, both parties have been guilty of this.)

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These clowns are making the NBA players and owners look mature.

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A twisted thought from T.C. regarding Big Ben’s sore foot – “Rex Ryan volunteered to take a look at it.”

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Gary Johnson announced he is dropping out of the GOP Presidential primary, and will run instead for the Libertarian nomination. The number one response of most Americans – “Who the heck is Gary Johnson?”

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When the lights go down in the city.

December 20, 2011

The Monday Night Football game between the 49ers and Steelers was delayed tonight due to a blown transformer. Biggest power outage involving San Francisco sports since the Giants were batting.

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In fact, a second power outage of the night stopped the already delayed game for about 20 minutes at Candlestick. The only people smiling are those behind the efforts to move the team to a new stadium in Santa Clara.

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Said my friend Tammy Serna from the game – ” Now we know how Raider fans feel (blacked out).”

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Nice win for the 49ers tonight. But to be honest, Big Ben didn’t look to be in good enough shape even to score on a co-ed.

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All kinds of potential songs to set the video of the 49ers-Steelers game to -“Lights”, “Back in Black,” “You don’t see me….”

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They have smart guys at Stanford. Great answer from former Cardinal and current 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh when asked what it was like in the San Francisco locker room when the lights went out. “It was dark.”

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House Republicans are heading towards a pre-Christmas showdown about the payroll tax with President Obama. But in a chicken game about getting home for the holidays, Obama may well win — he doesn’t need to get a reservation on a commercial plane.

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A Marist poll of over 1,000 Americans found the most annoying word of 2011 is “Whatever.” Said most Americans under 30 – “Whatever.”
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The South Korea military is on full alert after the death of Kim John Il. Maybe, considering how well North Korea does everything else, they are a little worried about any potential funeral fireworks show.

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A Northern California man who has fathered 14 children as a free sperm donor has been told to cease and desist. The FDA has he could face a $100,000 fine or prison time because he’s giving away his sperm without the proper blood tests. Uh, someone better rein in this government agency before it decimates the NBA.

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Another example of why procrastination can be a good thing. Think of all those people who sent in their 2012 Death Lotto’s with Kim Jong Il high on the list.

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From Paul Seaburn: Somewhere in hell, Osama bin Laden looked up, saw Kim Jong Il arrive and said, “Are you my virgin?”

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Up in Canada, the Quebec government is upset because the Montreal Canadiens hired an interim coach who can’t speak French. Big deal, down in the U.S. we’ve elected a President who can’t speak English.

(and a Governor of California)

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A Marist poll of over 1,000 Americans found the most annoying word of 2011 is “Whatever.” Said most Americans under 30 – “Whatever.”

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Newt Gingrich’s stay at the top of the Republican polls may be over. I don’t agree with Michelle Bachmann on much, but her “flavor of the month” line about the GOP primary appears to be right on. (Except when someone is only the flavor of the week.)

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Surging in the polls, Jon Huntsman is up to TWO percent in the last CNN GOP primary poll. This puts him only seven percent behind “undecided.”

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Penn State Quarterback Matt McGloin is taking full responsibility for his locker room fight with Curtis Drake. Amazing. Someone at Penn State is taking responsibility for something?

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Meanwhile, as Jerry Sandusky keeps talking about “horsing around,” the equine community has filed a grievance -they want their word back.

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The Jets-Giants rivalry game is six days away, and Rex Ryan has already started on the “we’re better” talk. And if this matchup doesn’t decide anything presumably players from both teams can have a “Words With Friends” game during the Super Bowl.

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D-Red-ful Sox?

September 27, 2011

First announced promotions of 2012 for MLB. The Boston Red Sox and Atlanta Braves plan to offer their fans free lessons in the Heimlich maneuver.

Another possible giveaway deal next year at Fenway Park. Free Red Sox neckties to the first 20,000 adults. Pre-shrunk.

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How bad is the Red Sox collapse looking? Even Babe Ruth is watching from somewhere thinking “Dudes, don’t put this mess on me.”

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And for all those people thinking that extra wild cards would make the game more interesting, think about this. If MLB had two wild cards in each league, the Red Sox and Braves could have it on cruise control. (Of course, they have have done that regardless.)

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Rex Grossman’s fumble with 28 seconds left sealed the Redskins loss 18-16 Monday night against the Cowboys. On the other hand, for the first time in months, he did give Washingtonians a serious bipartisan target.

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My friend Lindol pointed out that the Winklevoss twins now have a gig as spokesmen for pistachios. Is this really wise? Does the pistachio industry really want to reinforce their image as expensive and overvalued nuts?

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Ozzie Guillen announced that tonight was his last game managing the White Sox. Not sure how the team took it, but Chicago beat writers who are always in search of good quotes are said to be inconsolable.

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Marlins manager Jack McKeon, 80, says he will retire again after the end of the season. He did say that maybe he will come back in a few years, to go after Connie Mack’s record of managing at the age of 87. McKeon especially hopes he has another chance to manage that “nice young man, Jamie Moyer.”

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Meanwhile, the Marlins are finally playing their last games in Sun Life stadium. Wednesday will be Fan Appreciation day.And the team will apparently have nice prizes for both of them.

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Sesame Street is planning to include science lessons in their upcoming season. Or as Rick Perry would call that “more liberal theories.”

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Tea Party Nation founder Judson Phillips has endorsed Newt Gingrich for President. Guess he figures who better to defend marriage than someone who’s had three of them.

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The power of incumbency. No one knows for sure if President Obama will be re-elected. But stranger things have happened. Today SF Giants manager Bruce Bochy announced the team planned to re-sign their hitting coach.

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Magazine subscription offer from Vanity Fair (no joke) $12 for 12 issues. Plus $3 shipping. Really.

Uh, isn’t the point of a subcription getting magazines mailed to you? Wonder what would happen if you offered to come pick each issue up?

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C.C. Sabathia is 19-8, with an ERA of 3.00. The SF Giants have three starters with lower ERA’s, and none with more than 13 wins. Lincecum, 2.74, 13-14, Vogelsong, 2.81, 13-7, and Cain, 2.88, and 12-11.

So yes, good pitching may beat good hitting. But good pitching is wasted with zero hitting.

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The Senate just reached a bipartisan agreement to end a dispute over disaster relief spending. Translation, sounds like they figured out that despite the best efforts of some to interpret God’s will, natural disasters this year have happened in both red and blue states.

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Pay for performance?

August 6, 2011

The U.S economy still sputters and our credit rating gets dropped to AA+. So when will all those in Congress who want to tie teacher pay to performance agree to make the same deal with their own salaries and results?

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The Senate passed a stop-gap bill to put furloughed FAA employees back to work. No word yet on if the bill includes funding for milk and cookies for controllers at naptime.
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Ohio State football players have been told to stop wearing wristbands saying “J.T.” in support of fired coach Jim Tressel. But really, the players’ regret at losing him is understandable. Many of them have had to take serious salary cuts.

So how weirdly 21st century is this real television ad? – “Fiber One 90 calorie brownies – In the granola bar aisle.”

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Listening to baseball commentators say about an umpire, “he’s got a good strike zone.” Well, I get what they mean, I think, but isn’t the rule book, not the umpire, supposed to determine the strike zone? (Yeah, we can dream, anyway.)

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From Bill Littlejohn: Baseball has sent a warning to its major and minor league players concerning steroid alternatives—-stop ingesting deer antler spray.Bud Selig reportedly said, ‘The Buck Stops Here'”

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Standard and Poor’s downgraded the U.S. credit rating from AAA to AA tonight. In related news, the IRS said that their announced plan to increase audits of ratings analysts was just a concidence.

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A-Rod is not talking about allegations that he was involved in illegal poker games. When will these guys learn? If you really want to do some high-stakes gambling, invest in the stock market.

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With the FAA funding mess, Donna Brazile accused House Republicans of “playing chicken with American jobs.” Not true replied the GOP. We’re only playing chicken with Obama’s job. The rest are just collateral damage.

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MLB sources are indicating A-Rod will not be suspended, despite the allegations of illegal poker games, along with continuing talk about his association with a Canadian doctor known to have prescribed HGH. Proving once again – the Yankees are basically MLB’s version of an SEC football team

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Shame that Eli Whiteside might get suspended for his part in tonight’s Giants-Phillies brawl. Best hitting game the Giants catcher has had all season.

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Trivial rant: Open up most packaged food and the contents fill up about 2/3 of the packaging. The only container that is filled to the absolute brim – microwaveable soups. (Not that anything could go wrong with a full plastic container of boiling liquid.)

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Liars, and cheaters, and frauds, oh my.

August 5, 2011

A-Rod’s publicist has issued a statement denying stories about the illegal poker games, adding Alex looks forward to “cooperating with Major League Baseball’s investigation.” Wonder what exonerating evidence there is, or does A-Rod just think he is holding pocket aces?

(or as my friend John Clark said, maybe he knows the cards are stacked in his favor.)

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The new NFL collective bargaining agreement now includes random testing for HGH. You know what that means? The players have found something better.

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So Bridgestone Invitational first-round leader Adam Scott, who shot a 62, is using Tiger Woods’ former caddie, Steve Williams. Woods is six strokes back. And how much would we give to see Woods and Scott paired together on Sunday.

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Priorities, priorites…. The stock market is falling, the debt ceiling deal is at best controversial, and three GOP Presidential contenders, Romney, Bachmann, and Santorum, have announced – they have signed another pledge against gay marriage.

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The mayor of Sunland Park, a New Mexico border town, is trying to get out of nine contracts with an architectural design firm, because he said he was drunk when he signed the contracts. Hmm, this might help explain some previously inexplicable actions of Congress.

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Kraft is going to split their company into two parts – groceries and snack foods. In other words, foods that are bad for you, and foods that are worse for you.

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Jerry Lewis has been abruptly dumped as spokesman and telethon host by the Muscular Dystrophy Association. I hear he wiped out at McDonalds too.

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Roseanne Barr said on the Tonight Show that she is running for President. Well, unlike some of her competition, Roseanne actually has experience as a professional comedian.

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A recent NY Times-CBS News poll showed 82 percent of Americans now disapprove of the way Congress is handling its job. Shocking! 18 percent actually approve?

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Stanford’s football team is ranked number six in the coaches’ preseason poll. To put that in terms USC Trojans can understand, that’s all the fingers on a hand plus one more.

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Two Fox News hosts now said they were joking yesterday when they claimed they felt awkward about commenting on former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin because she’s a fellow Fox employee. Translation, they were reminded they are ALSO Fox employees. For now.

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On Thursday the stock market fell faster than the Pirates’ playoff chances.

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Not a fan of conspiracy theories. But if our corporate masters wanted to schedule the biggest stock market drop of the year, wouldn’t it be a nice jab to put it on Barack Obama’s 50th birthday?

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From Marc Ragovin: So President Obama celebrated his birthday by blowing out the candles on his cake as the lights went out on the economy

Okay, I’ve figured out the economic gospel according to the GOP: When the stock market was at new highs this year, it was all about a cyclical recovery led by corporations, when it fell Thursday it was all Obama’s fault.

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Hitting the ceiling.

August 3, 2011

Congressional Black Caucus chair Emanuel Cleaver called the final debt ceiling deal a “sugar-coated Satan sandwich.”

Really? Doesn’t that title already belong to the Krispy Kreme Bacon Cheeseburger? (Yes, it is a burger using doughnuts as buns.)

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The San Francisco Giants have now lost five straight – Tuesday night 6 to 1- and haven’t scored four runs in over a week.

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Showtime is doing a series on the team called the Franchise.

Wonder how long it will take someone to do a movie on the Giants’ lineup? It will be a remake of “Eight Men Out.”
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(Or maybe “Eight Men Out” is the Jeopardy answer to the question. What usually happens when the Giants position players each have a turn at bat with runners in scoring position?)

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The San Francisco Giants seem to have accomplished the impossible. Take a weak hitting team, add two .300 hitters(Beltran and Keppinger), and start hitting…worse?

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Barry Zito is now back on the Disabled List for the San Francisco Giants. “Disabled?” Actually the NFL has a better list title for players in his condition: “Physically Unable to Perform.”

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Any truth to the rumors that as Congress left town they let out a collective cry of “Winning?!”

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Congress went right from the debt bill to summer recess. Without addressing the FAA issue which has resulted in domestic air taxes (and thus funding for air travel projects) lapsing. United Airlines celebrated today by raising international airfares $40.00. You’d think if Congress really wanted higher approval ratings they would get together on re-regulating the airlines.

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Meanwhile, Colorado Rep. Doug Lamborn apologized for calling President Obama a “tar baby.” and said he “absolutely intended no offense.” Really? With the term “tar baby?” This settles it. Lamborn is either a liar or an idiot.

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A New Jersey politician (who at least has been separated from his wife for two years) is under fire since nude pictures he sent to a woman he was flirting with online showed up on the internet. I think I can speak for all Americans in saying, “Thank heaven it wasn’t Chris Christie.”

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Rumor has it that both Kelsey Grammer and Alec Baldwin are both considering future runs for Mayor of New York City. Guess the strategy is, get your scandals out there BEFORE running for office.

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from Gary Morton:

After signing legislation to raise the debt ceiling, the President saw the stock market plunge 266 points. Guess they should have been working on the debt basement.

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