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Danger, Danger, Will Robinson….

May 27, 2013

Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher Ian Kennedy missed his start today because he cut himself washing the dishes. And all over America, men are going “See, honey, I’d love to help clean up but for men that stuff is dangerous.”

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Sarah Palin attended the NBA playoff game in Indianapolis last night. Presumably to root for Miami. It might have been the only way for Palin to prove she could stand the Heat.

 

The Seattle Seahawks, with 5 players suspended since 2011 for PEDS, called a players only meeting today, reportedly “about not making the same mistakes over and over.” Taking the PEDS? Or getting caught?

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Apparently  Donald Trump has spent over $1 million exploring a potential presidential bid in 2016.   Say what?  The guy wants us to trust him with the U.S. budget, and this is his idea of a good use of money?

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Sergio Garcia says he hopes to meet up with Tiger Woods in person to apologize for his “fried chicken.” Many fans would prefer the two wait to meet up until “Celebrity Boxing.”

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Toronto Mayor Rob Ford said that the media is a ‘bunch of maggots’ for reporting allegations that there is a video of him smoking crack. Wow. What’s next for for Ford if he has to step down… running for Governor of Alaska?

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So the Royal Caribbean fire, 3 nights into a 7 day cruise, appears to have been rather quickly contained, the ship did not lose power, there were no injuries. Plus everyone on board is getting a refund and a certificate for another cruise. But the happiest folks without a doubt- everyone at Carnival Cruise Lines.

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Embattled Rutgers AD Julie Hermann said that university President Robert Barchi has assured her she will keep her job. Uh, but doesn’t that assume Barchi will keep his?

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Since Memorial Day is a good day to remember we are all Americans and in this together, in that spirit will post that Clayton Kershaw, who gave up 4 runs in yesterday’s loss, had not allowed more than 3 earned runs in his last 22 starts. Yes, he is a great pitcher, yes, he is a L.A. Dodger.    (Okay, I’m done now.)

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–A recent poll indicated 54% of Americans still oppose “Obamacare.” And let me guess, before the bill passed, about 99% of that 54% already had health insurance.

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Danica Patrick’s boyfriend Ricky Stenhouse Jr, caused her car and another to wreck in yesterday’s NASCAR race. Guessing there’s a moratorium on “women driver” jokes between them for a while.

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From Marc Ragovin  :Tampa Bay Rays’ pitcher Roberto Hernandez, who was formerly known as Fausto Carmona, got hit hard by the Yankees the other day and now has a 2-5 record and a 5.72 era.  Asked to comment, Rays’ manager Joe Madden said  ‘he’s just not pitching like himself these days.'”

 

 

So if anyone hadn’t eaten enough junk food this weekend, the Bachelorette started tonight: Junk food for the mind

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Daily affirmation?

May 26, 2013

Minnesota Senator Al Franken, once thought to be a top GOP target, is now a heavy favorite to win re-election. Guess he’s good enough, smart enough, and people like him.

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Now-former Notre Dame QB Everett Golson said he was “suspended from the university for poor academic judgment.”. Give the guy some credit. He accepts responsibility and can use polysyllabic words.

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But come on, if he did plagiarise an exam, you think Golson couldn’t have found an imaginary girlfriend to take the test for him?

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When new Rutgers AD Julie Hermann coached women’s volleyball at Tennessee, 15 players wrote a letter complaining she called them “whores, alcoholics and learning disabled.” Now when asked Hermann said “I never heard any of this, never name-calling them or anything like that whatsoever.” Possibly proving that women can be just as clueless as men about saying those three little words – “I was wrong.”

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Asked  if they would fit with the Republican party today. “Reagan wouldn’t have made it, certainly Nixon wouldn’t have made it, because he had ideas. We (I) might have made it, but I doubt it.” The responder? That commie-pinko Bob Dole.

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A rope cable from the Fox Skycam fell tonight during the Coca-Cola 600, injuring at least 10 fans and damaging several cars. Of course this is bad news for the fans and drivers, but on the other hand, a few more episodes like this should be good for NASCAR TV ratings.

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Good luck to Mike Kickham, 24, who as been announced as the SF Giants’ Tuesday starter against the Oakland As. Kickham will at least temporarily be the third lefty in the Giants rotation. And really, isn’t Tim  Lincecum weird enough to be an honorary lefty?

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Los Angeles Dodgers’ 2013 record when trailing after six innings – 0 and 17. And all those Dodger fans who leave in the 7th said “See!?”

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Feeling jaded about MLB as a business?  I dare you to watch this postgame interview without smiling.

http://bleacherreport.com/articles/1652622-munenori-kawasaki-video-watch-blue-jays-ss-epic-interview-after-walkoff-double

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Youth and skill…

May 16, 2013

Are sometimes overrated.  Signed the old and treacherous San Antonio Spurs.  (But nice try, Warriors.)

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Who’s rooting hardest for the New York Knicks to stay in the NBA playoffs? Might be the Mets and Jets. As long as the Knicks are alive it keeps their problems off the front page.

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Former Oakland Raider 1st round draft pick Rolando McClain, 23, just retired after signing with the Ravens. But McClain, who’s been arrested 3 times in 2 years, says he’s only leaving football to get his personal life in order and “God willing,”might play in the NFL again. Right, because nothing helps you get things together than having millions of dollars and nothing to do.

 

(An interesting aside, Ryan Duca points out that dating back 10 years, the Raiders have zero 1st or 2nd round picks that they made still on the roster.)

 

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The White House would really like to get these negative stories off the front page. Wonder how much they’ve offered to have Carnival Cruise Lines strand another ship somewhere?

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A bipartisan House committee says say have an agreement “in principle,” on immigration reform. What?! How did they find the time with all these more important questions to deal with like Benghazi and the IRS tea party targeting? .

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Another thought about the IRS and targeting potential conservative tax-exempt organizations. Yes, again, stupid. But if the agency had that much political power wouldn’t they have taken away the exemption for Karl Rove’s “Crossroads GPS?”

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Hillary Clinton has been announced as a speaker for the ASTA travel agent convention this September. And no doubt Bill has told her “Honey, you need to travel and see as many vacation destinations as possible beforehand.”

 

The latest player caught in baseball’s testing program is a Marlins minor league pitcher who has been suspended 50 games. If you have to cheat and you can’t even make the Miami Marlins roster, maybe it’s time to find a new career choice.

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WTF? Dick Cheney on Benghazi: “In my past experience when we got into these situations — especially after 9/11 — we were always there, locked and loaded, ready to go on 9/11.” So after Benghazi who does Cheney think Obama should have invaded?‘

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Florida is trying to get rid of gambling machines, which some think means they should shut down games inside Chuck E. Cheese. Although patrons would still be gambling that they could find anything edible.

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Alabama coach Nick Saban said that former assistant coach Tim Davis’s calling him “the devil himself” was “terribly disappointing.” I believe Saban prefers the term “God.”

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MLB is thinking of expanding video review in 2014 and possibly making all calls other than balls or strikes subject to instant replay. Stand by for Yankees-Red Sox games going from four to five hours.

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David Beckman has announced his retirement.  Once again Brett Favre responded: “the first time is the hardest.”

 

American Airlines is trying something smart. Allowing passengers whose only carry-on item fits under the seat to board early, in hopes of avoiding the slowdown when folks try to get their suitcases overhead. Now the fun, watching passengers insist their large bags fit under the seat…..

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Now, on the other side of smart,  American managed to lose a box containing a gold worth $625,000 at Miami International Airport.  The airline believes it was stolen after it was unloaded onto the tarmac.

And here you thought it was just your cheap luggage they couldn’t keep track of….

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From Bill Littlejohn:  San Francisco pitcher Jeremy Affedlt discovered a clerical error from earlier in his contract and, as a result, returned $500,000.00 back to the Giants.A similar situation with Alex Rodriguez might involve the return of the Louisiana Purchase.

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Venezuela, which has been dealing with all kinds of consumer goods and food shortages, now has a shortage of toilet paper. Insert “deep doo-doo” joke here:

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Oh Mother.

May 13, 2013

Across America, many people took their moms to baseball games to celebrate Mother’s Day. Except maybe at Citi Field, where Mets fans figured their moms had already suffered enough.

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In San Francisco “good Timmy” Lincecum walks off the mound after 111 pitches and 7 shutout innings. To the relieved applause of 40,000 fans who were afraid that “bad Timmy” would have ruined their Mother’s Day.

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Tiger Woods and Sergio Garcia bicker so much, are we sure they didn’t used to be married to each other?

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“The Great Gatsby” is the number one selling paperback book this week in the San Francisco Bay Area. Wonder how many buyers were impressed by the speed with which they made a book out of the movie?

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Can’t imagine how lefties get a reputation for being weird. Tampa Bay pitcher Matt Moore’s safety solution: Baseballs would have sensors, and “if it comes close to the other sensor in the pitcher’s hat, the ball just blows up.”

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Good news for NBC, Seth Meyers is going to take over as ‘Late Night’ host. Bad news for NBC, there went one of the last reasons to watch SNL.

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Great Gatsby and Iron Man 3 are #2 and #1 at the box office this weekend respectively. Makes sense, the first is the choice to “take Mom to the movies” second is “take the kids and get out of here so Mom can have some peace.”

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#BarbaraWalters. 83, says she will retire next year. Responded Larry King “So young?”

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Former Detroit Lions wide receiver Titus Young has been arrested in California for the THIRD time in a week. Even Lindsay Lohan is thinking “dude is out of control.”

(And somewhere Young is thinking, how do I get Lindsay’s lawyer?  Or judge?)

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How bad have the Angels & White Sox been in 2013?    Many fans were  actually disappointed that #ESPN’s Sunday night game isn’t #Yankees #RedSox

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So some in the GOP are talking impeachment, and Mike Huckabee is saying Benghazi is more serious that Watergate “because four Americans did in fact die. Okay, then what about those nonexistent WMDs? How many Americans have died from going into Iraq…?

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Mother’s Day and all that jazz.

May 12, 2013

Rough night for $NBA players. – #MothersDay Eve: so many potential baby mamas, so little time.

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Another Mother’s Day thought.  Anyone who thinks that they should have figured out a way to watch SNL with Mom Saturday night will soon be  off the hook.   Because Moms who are old enough to remember when SNL was consistently funny are getting too old to stay up that late.

 

Some think the Washington Nationals sacrificed a chance to win the World Series by shutting Stephen Strasburg down last year, but Nats management insisted they were thinking of the future. So far in 2013, Strasburg is 1-5, and just got shelled by the Cubs…. Carpe something.

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O.J. Simpson is trying to get out of jail by claiming he had such bad representation that his robbery conviction should be reversed and a new trial ordered. In other words “If my lawyers were sh*t, you must acquit.”

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The House just passed a bill that eliminates overtime pay for anyone working over 40 hours a week. While they’re at it, how about a bill to make Congress actually work 40 hours in a week?

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Regarding the story that the IRS was carefully scrutinizing groups with “tea party” and “patriot ” in their titles who were trying to get tax-exempt status: why are ANY political groups able to get tax-exempt status?

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Unclear on the concept: So apparently Lindsay Lohan wants out of the Betty Ford Center because they took away her Adderall.

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Another home run on a “pitcher’s pitch” today.  If there’s a book on how to pitch to Pablo Sandoval, presumably it’s in the fantasy section.

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Many Whole Foods customers in the Northeast were appalled to learn that the vegan chicken salad they had purchased actually contained real chicken. It’s the biggest shock most of them had had at Whole Foods since they got their last total bill at the register.

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From Marc Ragovin:   “I’m not saying that MLB umpire Fielding Culbreath — who was suspended for allowing an illegal pitching change — is unfamiliar with the game’s rules, but the other day he was heard singing “cause it’s one, two, three strikes take your base, at the old ball game.”

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Sweeping into Monday

May 6, 2013

The Los Angeles #Dodgers are getting such poor results for $$ spent in 2013, there’s talk of renaming the team the Los Angeles Congress.

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Matt Cain didn’t get his first win until today, May 5, and Giants’ starting pitchers got their first win since April 21. Wonder how many people hearing those stats would imagine that SF would be in first place with a six-game winning streak….

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ESPN showing Pablo Sandoval’s “hot” batting zones: Looks like some sort of random modern art painting.

((for the uninitiated, the SF Giants’ “Panda” will swing at anything, and can hit anything. Even if it just about bounces. Better it seems at balls out of the strike zone than strikes.)

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Yet another injury. NY SS Eduardo Nunez left today’s game with tightness in his left rib cage. Are the Yankees trying to compete with the Dodgers is some bizarre game of Baseball Survivor?

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Proving once again, that a high IQ and education are not mutually exclusive with stupidity: Harvard professor Niall Ferguson suggested in remarks after a speech that John Maynard Keynes’ being homosexual and not having children meant he wasn’t as invested in future generations as others might be.

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Air India has suspended a pilot and two flight attendants after reports that the pilot and co-pilot left the cockpit at the same time for a nap and left the flight attendants in their seats. Guess this is going to put a damper on those cockpit happy hours.

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Still controversy over where to bury the dead Boston bomber. Suppose it would be un-PC to suggest his body be placed in a pressure cooker with explosives and blown up somewhere off the coast of Massachusetts.

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Giant drama.

May 5, 2013

Another walk off win for the SF Giants. 10-9 in ten. Salvaging a night where a possible “MLB The Show” curse caught up with Buster Posey – he hit into a bottom of the ninth inning-ending double play.

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Rough week to be a sports fan in Los Angeles. The Dodgers’ Hanley Ramirez, back on the DL, was on the active roster for less time than the Lakers and Clippers lasted in the playoffs.

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CB Cliff Harris was cut by the NY Jets after he was arrested for marijuana possession. This is the same Harris who was pulled over for driving 118 MPH in 2011 while playing for Oregon, asked “Who’s got the marijuana in the car?” a-nd responded “we smoked it all.” So does 2 + years now count as short-term memory loss?

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Kentucky Derby winning purse – $1,439,800. And the winner himself just gets chicken feed, or rather, horse feed.

(Augie does point out that the winner is probably at least happy with the stud opportunities.)

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Previously unbeaten Kentucky Derby favorite Verrazano, whose owner is from New Jersey,  ended up 14th in the race.   If he doesn’t perform better next race, he’s been threatened with retirement to Jersey.

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At an NRA convention, Sarah Palin spoke of Maggie Thatcher as “her hero.” Even though Thatcher refused to meet with Palin, and as Prime Minister supported gun control — overseeing a bill passed in 1988 outlawing semi-automatic guns. If Baroness Thatcher wasn’t dead, this might have killed her.

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A 35-year-old Arizona grandmother is being held and charged in the death of her 3-year-old grandson, who allegedly shot himself in the face with her handgun. Which she had left in her backpack with her meth pipe. Your move, Florida.

“The Great Gatsby” remake is opening, with Leonardo DiCaprio and Carey Mulligan reprising the roles played in 1974 by Robert Redford and Mia Farrow. Wonder how many people will think, “Great story, will there be a novelized version?”

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A bat that Mickey Mantle used in 1964 will be up for auction. And as confirmed by x-ray, the bat is corked. Once again, can we just put an asterisk on the banner outside the Hall of Fame and be done with it?

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New NRA president Jim Porter has called Barack Obama a “fake president,” referred to the Civil War as “the War of Northern Aggression,” and said that we should train all civilians to use standard military firearms to fight tyranny. Thus perhaps trying to prove the NRA’s stance that the US has a mental health problem not a gun problem.

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TC says  “a  small group of protesters want the NFL to change the name of the Washington Redskins. The league is considering “The District of Columbia Redskins” to appease descendants of the first President.”

 

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Finally a serious note.  43 years ago.  May 4, 1970.  Kent State   The students who were killed would be grandparents by now:  http://www.cleveland.com/metro/index.ssf/2013/05/kent_slayings.html

 

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If a coach yells in the forest…

April 4, 2013

With no one to record him, is he still fired?

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Many unfortunate lessons from the Mike Rice fiasco at Rutgers. And while his actions were inexcusable, have to wonder, how was the now ex-coach stupid enough to think you now can do ANYTHING around other people without someone having at least a camera phone.

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The #Nike ad said “Winning takes care of everything.” Mike Rice’s record at #Rutgers was 44-51.

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What’s a bigger surprise?  That Barry Zito is pitching the  SF Giants home opener?  Or that SF fans are happy about it.

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A fun stat for SF Bay Area friends from my friend Hartley Miller: Sharks/Warriors/Giants/A’s won Wednesday, 1st time all 4 Bay Area teams won on same day since April 18, 2007

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In a recent survey, 52% of Americans said they were in favor of legalizing marijuana. Which is impressive considering that most regular pot users’ response was “uh, what was the question again?”

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Quote of the year from an NBA player: Shane Battier, when asked whether a Griner NBA tryout would be positive for women athletes or if it would be seen merely as an attention-grabbing sideshow. “Listen, this whole (NBA) is a sideshow, what’s one more trailer?”

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Fast food workers in New York City are going on strike. Wonder how long it will take Mayor Bloomberg to step in, and see if he can keep it going for a few years.

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San Jose’s mayor says he thinks it’s time for him to meet with MLB commission Bud Selig about the A’s proposed move. Wonder how long it will take Selig to come up with a Blue Ribbon committee to look into a meeting.

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Forget PED’s. Maybe NFL teams should focus on Twitter control: Buffalo Bills’ WR Stevie Johnson “‘War is nothing to be played with. I apologize North Korea …. but if ya’ll do bomb 1st… Bomb Foxboro, Mass. Sincerely, #BillsMafia'”

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Former California Lt. Gov Abel Maldonado says he will run for Calif. Gov against Jerry Brown in 2014. Using strategists who worked on presidential campaign for John McCain and Jon Huntsman, and the advertising consultant who worked for Carly Fiorina. And those campaigns all worked out so well…..

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Talking with a Canadian friend – realized I could go buy a gun at Walmart here in the U.S., but they wouldn’t sell me .222s (Aspirin with caffeine and codeine, nonprescription in Canada.) What a country.

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Cardinals Pro Bowl LB Cardinals Daryl Washington has been suspended the first 4 games of 2013 for violating the league’s substance abuse policy. Which means he’ll be back in time to earn another Pro Bowl spot this year. Yeah, that’ll teach him.

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So in heaven tonight, Siskel and Ebert, two thumbs back up?

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Oscar Pistorius’s uncle Arnold says that his family encouraged him to get back onto the track to help stabilize him emotionally… We believe it is a vital step in helping him deal with the trauma.” Even O.J. Simpson is thinking ‘Have you no shame?”

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The Chicago Cubs are in first place. Is this a sign of the apocalypse?

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The report is that during their 2011, Auburn altered grades from players in some classes to keep them eligible. When asked about it several former players allegedly responded “grades? “classes?”

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Some are upset because today after President Obama praised Kamala Harris as “brilliant and dedicated and tough… and the best-looking attorney general in the country.” So, okay, maybe he should have picked Beau Biden?

(But seriously, really folks?  Obama didn’t make any comments about Harris’ figure, and he didn’t go on about it like Brent Musberger, and he didn’t just compliment her looks.   ( For that matter he didn’t give her a neck rub.)   Just get the sense we need to loosen up a bit.  IMHO )

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Wanna get away?

April 3, 2013

The Carnival Triumph, which was being repaired in Mobile, Ala after breaking down in February, has apparently broke loose Wednesday from its moorings. Maybe after all the coverage on CNN the ship just wanted to go away and hide.

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Now that Mark Sanford is engaged to the woman he had an affair with, have to figure the chance of her letting him go hiking alone are about the same as Kobe Bryant’s wife suggesting he order room service.

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Mark Sanford, who won the GOP primary for the House special election in South Carolina, has apologized to voters over his lies and affair. Wonder if he’s also issued an apology to Bill Clinton.

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Dallas Mavericks’ owner Mark Cuban said that he’d draft Britney Griner and give her a chance to make the team. Hey, compared to most of the men in the NBA she’d whine less and pass more.

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Not that any of my readers would have been upset, but two Florida DJs have been suspended after a number of listeners freaked out and called the Lee County water office because of an April Fool’s joke. Which was telling listeners that “dihydrogen monoxide” was coming out of their taps…..

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Jay Leno has made it official, he is leaving the Tonight Show permanently. And somewhere Brett Favre is just giggling.

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Okay, Dodgers and Giants fans, Clayton Kershaw and Madison Bumgarner have both had great starts, but when it comes to ESPN showing the pitcher of the week, guessing Yu’s on first.

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Rutgers fired men’s basketball coach Mike Rice after tapes of him being abusive to players in practice were aired on ESPN. Originally Rutgers’ AD had just suspended the coach, but changed their mind due to public outrage, that and Rice not getting the team into March Madness.

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My friend Ed Murrell pointed out that the Houston Astros struck out 43 times in their three games with Texas. Maybe it’s part of a cost-saving plan to reduce the number of broken bats?

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Nice home run from Panda Sandoval. But this is not going to do much for the SF Giants’ “tell Panda he HAS to diet now” plan.

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Sometimes best contracts are the ones you don’t sign. Remember the controversy when #SF Giants chose not to lock up #Lincecum long term?

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A new report alleges that Auburn’s football program paid money to stars to stay in school and bypass the NFL draft, and changed players’ grades to keep them eligible before the 2011 BCS championship game. “I’m shocked,” said absolutely nobody.

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Former Major League Baseball catcher Mike Piazza has announced he will be playing the role of a gangster in a production by the Miami City Ballet. Well, that ought to take care of the gay rumors.

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After being turned down by Shaka Smart, Flip Saunders and Mick Cronin, Minnesota has hired Rick Pitino’s son Richard as their new men’s basketball coach. Can’t wait for the press conference where the Gophers announce how thrilled they were that their fourth choice accepted the job. –

Oscar Pistorius’s agent says Pistorius wants to train again, adding “it was clear and evident it’s going to take some time for him (to be ready to compete),” Van Zyl said. ”He’s trying to process this whole ordeal.” “I feel so sorry for him,” said absolutely no one.

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From Jim Barach:   “The Associated Press has dropped the term “illegal immigrant” from their stylebook. The question is, when will they also eliminate other antiquated terms like “congressional ethics”?”

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Brotherly and other love.

April 2, 2013

There is a Comedy God: Former South Carolina Gov, Mark Sanford, aka Mr. Appalachian Trail, has won the GOP nomination for a vacant House seat against Elizabeth Colbert Busch, Stephen Colbert’s sister.

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The town of Nelson, Georgia, has passed a law requiring its citizens to own a gun and ammunition, although they have reportedly not had any violent crime in the last 10 years. Well, I guess it’s never too late to start.

 

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Say what? Justin Amash, a self-described “libertarian-leaning” Michigan congressman says abortion and “abortion-causing” birth control are okay, but should only be allowed “closer to the point of conception, whether it’s instantly or the first three days.” This is what comes from allowing men to hold elective office.

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The New York Yankees are starting the year with $230.4 million payroll. Wow, and at least $50 million of that is going to active players.

 

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A recently released NRA funded report on school safety suggests arming teachers. Well, this ought to be fun during contract negotiations.

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Pac-12 commissioner Larry Scott says that Ed Rush, the league’s of officials should NOT be fired for offering a group of referees $5,000 or a trip to Cancun if they hit Arizona coach Sean Miller with a technical foul or ejected him during the Pac 12 tournament. Scott says Rush was “joking.” Gosh. This guy must be a lot of fun in airport security lines.

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Good for GOP senator Mark Quinn of Illinois. But someday it will be nice when a politician’s support for gay marriage doesn’t even make the news.

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Kevin Ware has been released from the hospital and will join his Louisville Cardinal teammates in going to Atlanta. Let us hope the TSA agent running the metal detector knows who he is.

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The Cleveland Browns have traded Colt McCoy to the SF 49ers. McCoy is still likely to be holding a clipboard, but now at least he can do it during playoff games.

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As North Korea’s rhetoric escalates, maybe the U.S. needs to send someone Kim Jong Un respects who is also capable of reading him the riot act. Forget Dennis Rodman, where’s Charles Barkley when we need him?

(My friend Marty B. suggests – send  Tim Tebow he can overthrow the Government.)

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In New York, the FBI arrested Dem. State Senator Malcolm Smith and GOP City Councilman Dan Halloran for allegedly trying to use bribes to rig the New York City mayoral election. Who says there’s no bipartisanism in this country?

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Mark this moment, April 2, 2013. As of 11:30pm the 2 and 0 Seattle Mariners have the best record in baseball.

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But okay, really, we’ve waited over five months for opening day,  and more than half the MLB teams don’t play on the second full day of the regular  season?

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Our long national nightmare is over.

March 31, 2013

Baseball’s back!   And the Houston Astros magic number is 161!

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As the MLB season starts, the 2013 Houston Astros may indeed end up awful , but they will almost certainly give their fans more good moments this year for $25 million than A-Rod will give Yankees fans for $29 million.

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New UCLA men’s basketball coach Steve Alford signed a 10 year contract with New Mexico just 10 days before taking the Bruins job. Can’t wait to hear Alford talk to recruits about commitment to the team.

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So it’s now newsworthy, not when a senator says he will cross party lines for a vote, but when he says that he will actually allow a vote? Sigh. But Sen. Lindsey Graham said Sunday he wouldn’t filibuster gun control legislation being considered in the Senate.

 

Today is the 75th anniversary of Abbott and Costello’s “Who’s on First” sketch. To give you an idea how long ago that was, most of the 2013 Yankees’ starting lineup was still in Little League.

 

Could today have been worse for Kevin Ware? Well, normally when a Louisville star breaks a leg that badly, it happens at Churchill Downs…

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Hope no one wished the Cardinals luck today by saying “break a leg.”

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Radio announcer said late in the Louisville-Duke game –  “Coach K looks resigned. Things not trending his way.”   Down 15 with less than three minutes to go. Ya think?

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For those whose brackets are busted, baseball season brings with a whole number of potential new bets.  For example, what day will the Chicago Cubs be eliminated from playoff contention?

 

From my friend Alex  Kaseberg: “In their baseball preview issue, “Sports Illustrated” picked the Chicago Cubs to finish last in their division. Whoa, way to go out on a limb, “Sports Illustrated.” Next thing you know you’ll pick a Kenyan to win a marathon.”

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Another #1 bites the dust…

March 28, 2013

In this case,  Indiana.     Bobby Knight had better aim with his chairs than the Hoosiers had with some of their shots tonight.

 

The Patriots’ Rob Gronkowski said today he would be accepting of a gay teammate. Good for him. But why is this harder for players than, for example, accepting a teammate who is a rapist.

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Best thing about tonight’s mostly lopsided Sweet Sixteen games… realizing we are only 3 days from MLB opening day.

 

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Johan Santana’s 2013 Mets’ season is probably over with a shoulder injury. Should we declare him an honorary NY Yankee?

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The NBA has said, “Oops, Kobe Bryant really did foul Ricky Rubio” – on Rubio’s last second shot that might have tied the game. Not that it affects the Lakers’ 120-117 win over the T’wolves. And it’s not as if the league has any rea$on to want Lo$ Angele$ in the playoff$…..

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Tiffany’s has just come out with a new collection of World Champion SF Giants memorabilia. This opposed to World Champion Cubs memorabilia which is in their “archaeology” collection.

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A Cosmopolitan article says the three words men most don’t want to hear from a woman is “I look fat.” Uh, I would say those three are at best a distant second to “Can we talk?”

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How new is the University of Florida Gulf Coast? Their oldest alums are 37. Wow. That’s too young to play for the NY Yankees.

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United Airlines is now offering their Mileage Plus members a free one year membership in AARP. Wonder if they are offering the same deal to some of their flight attendants?

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Three New Jersey men in were arrested for smoking marijuana New Jersey – in the parking lot of a police barracks. Can’t imagine how pot gets the reputation of messing with your short-term memory.

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Mitt Romney says he doesn’t miss the campaign trail, saying “I like the life of being an American citizen. It’s good to live a normal life again.” Wonder if after Mitt said this he got in his private plane to head to one of his vacation homes for the weekend?

 

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New York starting pitcher Phil Hughes has officially been placed on the disabled list for opening day. Looking like this year’s Yankee theme song will be “Another One Bites The Dust.”

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Due to a number of accidents including a refinery fire, the Chevron’s board has cut CEO John Watson’s bonus and stock options by 10-20%. In 2011, Watson made $24.7 million. Gosh, how will he feed his family?

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More madness….

March 22, 2013

Theme of a lot of people’s #Marchmadness brackets after today. “One round and done.”

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The “Catholic 7”   founding members of the new Big East include Georgetown,  Villanova, and Marquette and DePaul.  And then there’s Notre Dame. Last time Catholics were as embarrassed as in this #Marchmadness, priests and altar boys were involved.

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For most American sports fans, this weekend is the exciting second round of March Madness. For anyone who had Wisconsin, Marquette, Georgetown , New Mexico and/or Kansas State in the Final Four… we’re only about a week away from MLB opening day.

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A 42 year old former Tennessee Titans cheerleader was arrested for allegedly offering to perform sex acts on a 12-year-old boy. She told the police she was drunk, “confused”, and thought the boy was a man she knew. And across the country guy are thinking “That’s awful – why didn’t any cheerleaders get drunk and confused when I was 12?”

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If you feel stupid about college basketball today just think – you could be the rocket scientist who seeded the West bracket….

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A falling boulder damaged an SUV on US Highway 101 near Sausalito this morning. Bummer. If a rock was going to fall on an SUV why couldn’t it be one parked in a “compacts only” space?

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Not a good morning for the Badgers. Last time sports fans in Wisconsin were this upset, a Brett Favre retirement was involved.

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A Frenchman was arrested for impersonating an Air France and sitting in the cockpit of a US Airways plane at Philadelphia Airport. Wonder if the flight attendants became suspicious when the man declined a pre-flight cocktail.

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Iowa State upset Notre Dame tonight. At least those who have their brackets further busted can take some consolation in the fact that we won’t have to see those lime-green uniform monstrosities anymore.

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Meanwhile, UCLA  continued their best  efforts to be more disappointing this year than the Lakers.

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In the meantime, the Los Angeles Lakers lost, AT HOME, to the Washington Wizards.  Making this Kobe and company’s best effort so far to make a case that the Lakers should be at least an NCAA six seed.

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NBC is going to air some jailhouse interviews with Jerry Sandusky next week. Wow. I know the network is struggling, but why couldn’t they try to get ratings with something classier like mud wrestling. the Octomom,  or “Girls Gone Wild?”

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A Texas woman saw a snake, threw gasoline on it, and set the poor reptile on fire. The snake slithered into a nearby brush pile, starting a fire that burned down the house. Mother Nature and Karma together can be mean bitches.

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From my friend M.D. “I’m pretty sure there are no perfect brackets left in America, because the guy who had Harvard AND Florida Gulf Coast could not get out of the institution long enough to submit it. Hell, he couldn’t even get out of the strait jacket.”

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The Knicks clinched a playoff spot tonight. Thereby assuring that New York sports fans with a masochistic streak will have alternatives in April to watching the Mets.

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And you’re out.

March 16, 2013

So with the USA bounced out of the World Baseball Classic does that mean we need to put an asterisk on “World Series Champions?”

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The Dominican Republic is doing so well in the WBC that the Yankees are trying to figure out if there is any way to buy the team.  Or as my friend Jim Barach says, maybe just buy the entire country.

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So will a silver lining of this USA World Baseball Classic loss mean that the U.S. will finally get around to declaring Puerto Rico the 51st state?

One good thing about Notre Dame’s day-glo basketball uniforms. They make the Oregon Ducks’ uniforms look positively restrained.

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And as the Irish discovered tonight in their 69 to 57 loss to Louisville.  It’s not always easy being green.

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Meanwhile, on the outskirts of Cancun, six people were killed and five were wounded when two masked men shot up a bar. And Carnival Cruise Lines said “See, it could be worse.”

Mitt Romney gave a speech at CPAC that sounded like he was still running for President. Well, suppose that makes at least as much sense as Paul Ryan acting with his budget like he and Mitt won.

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Senator Ted Cruz of Texas was actually born in Canada. So when are we going to see conservative critics talking about his un-American vision?

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And wonder how many of the conservatives who are criticizing Ohio senator Rob Portman’s new support of gay marriage, are the same folks screaming about too much government control over our lives?

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In a speech to CPAC, Donald Trump criticized many in the the GOP, and added that immigration reform could be a “suicide mission” for Republicans. Though what the Donald is really unhappy about is that the party didn’t undertake the suicide mission of nominating him for President.

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Quote of the day: “In our country today, if you’re born poor, if your parents didn’t go to college, if you don’t know your father, if English isn’t spoken at home, then the odds are stacked against you. You are more likely to stay poor today than at any other time since World War II,” So is it time to switch parties for the speaker? His name – Jeb Bush.

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Seacrest out?  .

Ryan Seacrest 38, and Julianne Hough. 24,  are not only not getting married, they’ve apparently broken up after two years together. . Well, that ought to do wonders for the gay rumors?

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Countdown to madness.

March 10, 2013

One week until Selection Sunday for March Madness. Meaning in many American offices, these upcoming five work days will be the last productive ones for some time.

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One nice thing about daylight savings time: Okay, so we lost an hour of sleep. But we’re one hour closer to MLB opening day!

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Jeb Bush now says he didn’t really believe what he wrote in his book – that undocumented immigrants should not be eligible for a path to citizenship . Because he wrote the book last year, at a time when the immigration debate “was dramatically different.” Looks like the “Etch a Sketch” has been passed to a new generation.

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WBC has had some good games. But the only way most folks in the USA will care about the tournament is if their team gets to the championship game.

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Is there any less useful statement in sports than fans yelling to a golf ball “Get in the hole?”

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Liberty’s men’s basketball team won the Big South tournament and so an NCAA bid, with a 15-20 (.429) record. Hard to imagine a team that bad in the tournament. In a bowl game, absolutely.

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One of Oscar Pistorius’s friends said the South African track star is “on the verge of suicide. It really worries me.” Who knew… shooting your girlfriend could be stressful.

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Manny Ramirez, who got no free-agent offers, is apparently off to Taiwan to play in the “China Professional Baseball League.” Wow. A whole new country where “Manny being Manny” can wear out his welcome.

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From T.C.  In the Canada/Mexico basebrawl game in Phoenix, Canadian coach Larry Walker was hit with water bottle and a ball thrown from the stands. Security ejected these two fans. They were met outside by Arizona Diamondback scouts who immediately signed them to minor league pitching contracts.

The Chicago Cubs are thinking of adding a mascot. And across American except in Philadelphia, MLB fans are thinking “take our mascot, PLEASE.”

 

 

GOP strategist Steve Schmidt said of his Republican party  – “An company, any organization in today’s day and age that doesn’t give equal opportunity to women, that doesn’t advance women to the table, is going to be an organization that has difficulty competing.” Wait a minute, what about those full binders?

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Truth from my friend Neil Berliner “Hey TSA: I fly every week. Trust me, these people need deodorant, mouth wash and shampoo more than knives and baseball bats.”

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Love and marriage…

March 8, 2013

This might be the first link to a commercial I’ve ever posted.  It’s for the new Amazon Kindle, and if you haven’t seen it,  it’s so worth 30 seconds of your time.  IMHO:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=lS3t9reE364.

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Barack Obama took 12 GOP senators out to dinner last night and personally picked up the tab. Waiting for Ted Cruz to demand the President’s impeachment for attempted bribery.

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San Diego may soon permit  medical marijuana sales from vending machines. Assume next to the Doritos machines?

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QB Gunner Kiel, a top recruit in 2012, changed his mind and defected from both Indiana and LSU before ending up at Notre Dame.  Now Kiel has now announced he is transferring after one year in South Bend.  What’s Gunner’s reason, that the Fighting Irish weren’t offering enough of a commitment?

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Michigan Senator Carl Levin, 78, has announced he will not seek re-election in 2014. “Retiring so young?!” remarked John McCain.

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Mariano Rivera says he is retiring after the 2013 season. Responded Cher – “The first time is the hardest.”

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Former SF Giants closer Brian Wilson has announced he will not try out for MLB teams until he is at 100% following his second Tommy John surgery. Does that mean “the Beard” is retiring?

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A new study shows that consuming large quantities of processed meats can raise your risk of premature death by 44%. Hmm, maybe a solution to the Social Security/Medicare funding crisis – free hot dogs and bacon for all!.

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The Big East is probably changing their name for football to “America 12 Conference” as they’ve registered the domain name “America12.org” The way schools have been leaving hope they also registered “America11” “America10”, “America9” and so on….

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Facebook’s new News Feed will apparently place greater emphasis on photos that members post. You know what this means, even more cats!

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Milwaukee Brewers GM Doug Melvin ended up in the Scottsdale emergency room after being stung by a scorpion. Hearing the story, SF Giants fans are surprised it didn’t happen to Jeremy Affeldt.

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Pop star Justin Bieber needed medical attention after he. fainted during a concert in London. Fortunately Bieber did recover, and to the dismay of most parents in attendance, he did return to finish the show.

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From Bill Littlejohn:     “Johnny Manziel said that he will take out an insurance policy in case of a career-ending injury.   And after he takes out this one for the nightclubs and bars he goes to, he’ll also take out one for playing football.”

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And the winner is?

February 10, 2013

You know you’re getting old when, it’s not that you don’t like the music on the Grammy awards, it’s that you have no idea who some of the acts are.

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Singer Chris Brown says paparazzi caused him to crash his car into a wall in Beverly Hills Saturday night. Wonder how long it will be before Brown denies hitting the wall.

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459,000 people are without power after Nemo. 459,040 when the NY Mets set their active roster after Spring Training.

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Nemo snow total in Central Park – 11 inches. Otherwise known as a Subway Foot.

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Northwestern has announced they will play 5 football games over the next several years at Wrigley Field. Said coach Pat Fitzgerald, “I don’t think anyone has ever had a bad day at Wrigley Field.” He clearly forgot about the guys wearing Cubs uniforms.

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On Friday, USC fired their football offensive coordinator. Because nothing, ever is Lane Kiffin’s fault.

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Tiger Woods has apparently been spending a lot of time with Lindsey Vonn since her skiing accident. Makes sense for Tiger, since Vonn is on crutches, there’s zero chance if it goes south that she can wield a golf club.

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The Boston Red Sox announced that outfield prospect Bryce Brentz accidentally shot himself in the leg last month. The NRA immediately called for legs to be armed.

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Ann Coulter is angry at PBS’s Mark Shields for calling her “The Marie Antoinette of the Conservative press corps.” She’s right. Shields should have called her their Louis XVI.

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There is now a $1 million bounty on fugitive ex-LA cop Charles Dorner. Thinking if you’re a large African-American man in Big Bear might be a good time to take a week away.

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Lindsey Graham said today he’ll block Obama’s nominees for Defense Secretary and CIA director if the White House doesn’t provide more information about Benghazi. Where was Graham’s outrage over, for example, the alleged WMDs?

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Los Angeles Lakers vs. Miami Heat Sunday.   ABC could have probably gotten even more viewers if NBA basketball games had the possible outcome of both teams losing.

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Former V.P Dick Cheney that President Barack Obama has jeopardized U.S. national security by nominating substandard candidates for key cabinet posts. I guess Cheney is still bitter that we’re not in the second term of a McCain-Palin administration.

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Three people died in a helicopter crash near Los Angeles while filming a reality show. Many Americans upon hearing the news had two reactions. 1. How horrible. 2. If it had to happen shame it wasn’t during a date on “The Bachelor.”

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Can we handle the truth?

January 12, 2013

USA Today says that Lance Armstrong will admit to doping in his interview with Oprah Winfrey. What’s Oprah’s next scoop…getting Joan Rivers to admit she’s had work done?

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Kobe Bryant and his estranged wife Vanessa have reconciled. Men want the name of Kobe’s lawyer. Women want the name of his jeweler.

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Okay, so he was talking about the struggles of the Lakers vs. those of the Heat.   But Lebron James’ direct quote was “No one will ever be able to compare to what we went through.” Proving that color is no barrier to “white people problems”

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Anyone but me have a problem with the NRA’s plan to arm people that many of their constituency consider union thugs?

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Three juniors from Alabama have announced they will leave school early to enter the NFL Draft. It’s not just the money, the players figure football will be much less stressful without worrying about not going to class.

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.The Dallas Cowboys have hired Monte Kiffin as their defensive coordinator. USC Trojans fans are just hoping Monte will try to bring his son with him.

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In the Ohio House, Rep. Peter Beck faces an ethics investigation due to a civil lawsuit alleging he participated in a fraud that cheated investors out of more than $1 million. But Speaker William Batchelder still appointed King chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee. Guess this translates, “If you have the Means, we will find a Way.”

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You can’t make this stuff up: Airline traveler asks if he can have an exit row seat for his mother as she has a hard time moving around and needs the legroom.

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Georgia Rep. Phil Gingrey, an OB-GYN, said Todd Akin was “partly right” when he said women’s bodies can avoid pregnancy in cases of “legitimate rape,” because adrenaline can cause you not to ovulate. Forget this women’s bodies shutting down stuff, what can we do to get some men’s mouths to shut down?

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After the HOF vote Roger Clemens tweeted that he wasn’t “overly surprised” but thanking his supporters and ending the statement “Muchie Peachie.” “Muchie Peachie?!” OK, steroids don’t just shrink your testicles, they turn you into a 10 yr old girl.

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For $100, Facebook users can send a message to Mark Zuckerberg’s inbox. Wonder how much they charge to have him read it?

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Phil Jackson said the Lakers might have a “come to Jesus moment” to make the playoffs. Maybe, but more like a Jesus moment involving Lazarus.

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Anyone needing a reason to try turning into “Nashville” on Wednesday nights, try this line, when one singer accuses another of hating her -“”I only hate sunburns and hangovers, this is just business.”

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Nate Silver is now predicting the Seattle Seahawks will make the Super Bowl. Of course real brilliance would have been to make that prediction in September.

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How do they get that “dumb jock” image?

January 11, 2013

Oakland Raiders LB Rolando McClain was cited in Georgia for overly dark tinted car windows. But he signed the citation “F*ck y’all,” and told the officer it was his real name.   McClain was then arrested for giving a false name to law enforcement.

The Pittsburgh Steelers waived RB Chris Rainey after an arrest for domestic violence, a  little more than 2 years after he was dismissed from the U of Florida football team for a similar arrest and reinstated 28 days later by then coach Urban Meyer. Yeah, clearly Rainey learned his lesson….

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Instead of toys, McDonald’s restaurants in England are now giving away books with Happy Meals. Responded many U.S. children “What are books?”

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Jerry Buss said the Lakers are a “very, very solid team.” “Solid?”” Right, like petrified wood.

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Smart people, foolish choices: Stanford decided to have a Rose Bowl celebration featuring trophy photo opportunities, and team autographs before a men’s basketball game. And the date and time they picked – 7p, Sat. Jan 12.    Not like any football fans in the Bay Area will be doing anything.

(for non-football fans,  SF 49ers-Green Bay at 5p, in San Francisco.)

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New Jacksonville GM David Caldwell says he can’t “imagine a scenario where” Tim Tebow “will be a Jacksonville Jaguar.” Well, and the team has been doing so well without him.

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In Berkeley, CA, residents are fighting a proposed new 24-hour 7- Eleven. Wow. If there’s ever a city where folks NEED that 3:00am Doritos fix….

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from Marc Ragovin:   (groaner time)    “Kevin Garnett, who has a history of lobbing personal insults at opponents, is once again under fire for telling Carmelo Anthony that his wife tastes like Honey Nut Cheerios during a recent game. I think it’s pretty obvious that Garnett is a cereal offender.”

Keith Ratliff, who called himself a “gun nut” and worked on Youtube videos for a site focused on high-powered firearms, was found shot to death in his Georgia home. (Police said the home contained “multiple weapons.”) Yeah, karma’s a mean bitch, and so is her sister “irony.”

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Just don’t understand the Academy’s snub of Ben Affleck. I mean, I’ve never even heard a whisper that the Argo director was taking PEDs.

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Some reports indicate almost 10% of MLB players have a prescription for Adderall, an amphetamine used to treat ADHD. Yet, without a prescription, taking the drug is grounds for suspension in baseball and football. Okay, your move, Hall of Fame voters….

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A California high school student is in custody after a teacher talked him into dropping his shotgun. This after the 16 year old allegedly had shot at two fellow students and critically wounded one. Waiting for the NRA to say the teacher should have just been armed and returned fire.

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“Nothing bad happened”

January 10, 2013

No one was elected to the Hall of Fame today. So regarding the “steroid era” is this going to be like the Family Guy episode with the tour in Germany when Brian asks what happened between 1939-1945? And the guide says, “Everyone was on vacation.”

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If the Baseball Hall of Fame really wanted to make a statement about PED’s they should have elected Jamie Moyer. Since we know he got 269 wins without PED’s. (If he had been on ‘roids his fastball would have hit at least 70.)

 

If the real issue with PED’s is that they are illegal does that mean we need to eject all baseball Hall of Fame members who drank alcohol between 1920 and 1933?

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Temperatures in the San Francisco Bay Area will dip below freezing this weekend. Thereby proving the point of some who probably said years ago that it would be a cold day in hell if Barry Bonds wasn’t a first ballot Hall of Famer.

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The NYC Fire Department said the high-speed ferry that crashed this morning had a “hard landing” Ya think? Almost as hard a landing as Notre Dame’s BCS title hopes.

(on a serious note, the injuries apparently were almost all people falling, in some cases down stairs.  A reminder, maybe if you stand up getting off a ferry or anything else that moves, good idea to have at least one hand on a railing instead of one holding a briefcase and one on a smartphone…)

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Some think Phil Jackson has to thanking his lucky stars that he turned down the Los Angeles Lakers’ job. But I figure Phil thinks if he took the job, they’d be in first place by now.

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A new NIH study said that diet soda drinkers are more likely to be diagnosed with depression. Maybe when they find out that diet drinks don’t offset large quantities of potato chips, ice cream and pizza?

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John Wall hopes to join the Wizards for his season debut Saturday. Isn’t this like somehow getting aboard mid-voyage of the Titanic?

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So since it’s about character and being “natural” will this year’s Academy Awards exclude drug users and anyone who has had plastic surgery?

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From my funny friend Jerry Perisho:  No one was elected this year to the Baseball Hall of Fame. Now, if we could just do that with Congress.

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Well, a couple days ago I posted how Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly claimed that leaving Notre Dame “is not an option. I don’t even think about it.” Today sources said Kelly interviewed with the Philadelphia Eagles. Well, maybe Brian can stop by the confessional on his way out.

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AIG, who took a $182 billion bailout from the U.S. govt, has apparently changed their mind about joining a lawsuit against the terms of that bailout. Even the folks at Penn State fighting NCAA sanctions were thinking “Have you no shame?”

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