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A three hour, oops, 175 hour, cruise…..

February 14, 2013

Okay, someone somewhere with time on their hands is going to rewrite the Gilligan’s Island song….

“Oh this is a tale of our Carnival, we’re here for a long long while… Have to make the best of things, it’s a poop-filled time…” Etc.  (folks feel free to add.)

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One couple on the stricken Carnival Triumph was married aboard the ship Saturday. Well, they’re certainly getting the “for worse” out of the way in a hurry.

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RGIII’s rehab from reconstructive knee surgery is going so well that the Washington Redskins officials believe he has a legitimate chance to be injured again in the 2013 opener.

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Only two games on the NBA schedule Feb 14 going into All-Star Weekend. This is actually unfortunate for many players. Means they had to make the tough choice about spending Valentine’s Day with which one of the mothers of their children.

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President Obama spent part of of his day hanging out with preschoolers at an Early Childhood Learning Center in Georgia. Must have been a nice change to deal with people who are more mature than Congress.

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Had enough of being tagged in all of these “Two free tickets on Southwest scam” photos. Presumably anyone who tries to claim them can go with Manti Teo’s girlfriend?

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Okay Mark Zuckerberg, if you can get the Governor of New Jersey to your house for a fundraiser (as happened last night) then you can hire someone competent enough to block the “Free Southwest Tickets” spammer  on Facebook. Have gotten four or five today.

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Kevin Youkilis said in an interview at Spring Training that he’ll “always be a Red Sock”, and he’ll “never be Alex Rodriguez.” New York Yankees fans are thinking they’ll forgive him for the former if he’ll promise the latter.

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West coast problems: Trying to decide whether or not to turn on office air conditioning in February.

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Generally there are few things less special than anything referenced in an email titled “A special offer just for you.”

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A last serious thought for the night.     While I know Carnival will be giving all kinds of compensation to passengers on the Triumph, I hope the cruise line also remembers to give some serious extra compensation to the crew.   Because while minimum-wage and immigration are also in the news, here’s something travelers may not know: Cruise line employees aren’t illegal. But because those lines register ships in foreign countries, they don’t even have to pay U.S. minimum wage – housekeeping and restaurant staff are basically working for tips.

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Just stopped by for a drink of water?

February 14, 2013

NY Yankees catcher Francisco Cervelli is the latest player to deny getting PED’s from Biogenesis, the Florida anti-aging clinic currently under investigation by MLB.   Right, and most men found in brothels only stopped in to use the restrooms.

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Scott Brown is joining Fox News. A decision that many in Massachusetts will view as a more embarrassing way to earn money than his college gig posing nude for Cosmo.

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Bus to Hell time. So how long before some fried chicken restaurant offers a Chris Dorner “Extra Crispy” special?

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My funny friend Abbe Nelson says “I think Christopher Dorner is taking Ash Wednesday a bit too seriously today.”

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Way to go Marco Rubio. While he’s talking about the GOP plans to fix America, he’s drinking “Poland Spring” water, sold in the U.S., but bottled by a subsidiary of Swiss giant Nestle.

 

Steve Martin, 67, announced he became a first time father to a baby boy in December. There’s a certain symmetry – both father and son could end up in diapers at the same time.

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UK freshman forward Nerlens Noel is out for the season and the NCAA tournament with a torn ACL. Since he’s a probable first round draft pick, wonder if Noel’s thinking “So I went to class for NOTHING?”

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First reports said 4,000 passengers were on the stricken Carnival Triumph, today CNN reports there are 3,143 passengers. Let’s hope it’s just confusion, and 857 people didn’t decide to try to swim home.

 

Conditions are apparently far from ideal on that stricken Carnival Cruise ship, but they are giving out free booze. What could possibly go wrong?

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Headline “Pope Benedict confident his resignation will not hurt Catholic Church.” What, more than his tenure as Pope already has?

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So in last night’s SOTU drinking game, anyone get bonus points for predicting one of the speakers would actually also be drinking?

 

New York Mets’ owner Fred Wilpon says the team’s money woes are over. Their woes on the field on the other hand…..

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The bigger hangover?

February 13, 2013

So who has bigger hangovers this Wednesday?   Folks who were at Mardi Gras,  or those who played State of the Union drinking games?

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President Obama said that the American people expect us to put our Nation’s interests before Party. Some probably want to impeach him for that.

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President Obama says he wants to fix bridges before they fall down. Okay, which GOP governor is going to stand up first and say we don’t need that wasteful government spending in our state?

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So what SOTU drinking game was #MarcoRubio playing?

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Note to Senator Marco Rubio: Government probably spent money to make sure that water tonight was safe for you to drink.

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Marco Rubio says President Obama’s economic plans will hurt the middle class. Shocking. Rubio believes there still is a middle class?

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LAPD reported late this afternoon that Chris Dorner is dead. Uh, did they see the last episode of “House?”

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So while we wait to see for sure if  Chris Dorner is alive or dead, a question – How long until the made-for-tv movie comes out?

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So many conflicting stories. Next I expect to hear that the body that was found or not found in that burning Big Bear cabin was Lennay Kekua.

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For those who try to find a silver lining in everything, at least passengers on the Carnival Triumph out of Galveston won’t have gained weight on their cruise.

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Darwin would be so proud. A 52 year old man who was a daily customer and unofficial spokesman for the Las Vegas restaurant “Heart Attack Grill” which serves things like an over 9,000 calorie “Quadruple Bypass Burger,” went into cardiac arrest in front of the restaurant and died..

 

Four freshmen on Alabama’s national champion football team were suspended today after being arrested and charged with 2nd-degree robbery and credit-card fraud. (One had been arrested 2 days before on a gun charge) Wonder if it’s too late for the players to apply for the NFL draft.

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Robert Reich quotes an Economic Policy Institute study saying that the wealth of the Waltons  – Walmart’s founding family –  now exceeds the wealth of the bottom 40% of American families COMBINED. And some still think it’s a good idea for everyone to have guns.

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Yes, he said it. John Boehner, when asked if he was ready to talk with President Obama about a path to citizenship for undocumented immigrants: “How about a little foreplay first?” Talk about an indecent proposal.

 

The IOC voted to drop wrestling from the 2020, instead of the rumored modern pentathlon, which combines shooting, running, swimming, fencing and horseback riding. Well, this ought to reassure those who think the IOC is focused on rich nations.

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Poped out?

February 11, 2013

Pope Benedict, 85, is resigning because of his failing health. Too bad, says Larry King, he’s such a nice young man. .

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Actually there’s a special coincidence with this story. The last Pope to resign, Gregory XII,  did so in 1415.  He was one of the first interviewees on “Larry King Live”

 

So now that Benedict is quitting, will he write a memoir – “Poping Rogue?”

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Many are still trying to figure out the real reason for Pope Benedict’s sudden resignation. Could an imaginary friend be involved?

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Texas Rep. Steve Stockman is bringing Ted Nugent as his guest to President Obama’s State of the Union speech. Can you imagine if a Democrat had brought someone to a Bush SOTU who had said “if (he) becomes the president in November, again, I will be either be dead or in jail by this time next year.”

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Let’s put this Ted Nugent thing in perspective with a milder comparison:   What if a Democratic congressperson had brought the Dixie Chicks to W’s second State of the Union?

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Two men are in jail in New York after being caught with 450 pounds of marijuana in Western New York. Authorities became suspicious when the local 7-11 reported being unable to keep Doritos in stock.

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A-Rod is 37, Jeter 38, Petitte 41, Ichiro 39 and Rivera 43. Even the Los Angeles Lakers are saying these Yankees are OLD.

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A Carnival cruise ship is adrift off the coast of Mexico after an engine fire. Carnival is refunding passengers’ fares, offering them another free cruise, and reimbursing all onboard expenses except for the casino and gift shop. Might be the only cruise in history where people wish they had had a bigger bar bill.

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Police say three people, including two women and the alleged gunman, were shot dead in at a courthouse in Delaware this morning. If we only had armed guards at courthouses. Oh wait. We do. Never mind.

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With this decision on a new Pope, have to wonder just how much the cardinals will move into the modern era. Will Catholics be able to text a vote for their favorites? And will the finalists be given roses?

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SF Giants fans may remember that Sergio Romo wore a t-shirt to the World Series parade that said “I only look illegal.” Think there’s a lot of money to be made right now in shirts saying “I only look like Christopher Dorner.”

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After starting the year 7-0, the San Jose Sharks have lost 5 in a row. Isn’t it a little early in this strike-shortened year for the team to be in playoff form?

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Okay, I’m not a Kobe fan, but give him credit on this one. One of his 1..3 million Twitter followers tweeted “You’re gay” to another fan. Bryant tweeted back “Just letting you know@PacSmoove @pookeo9 that using “your gay” as a way to put someone down ain’t ok! #notcool delete that out ur vocab.”

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And the winner is?

February 10, 2013

You know you’re getting old when, it’s not that you don’t like the music on the Grammy awards, it’s that you have no idea who some of the acts are.

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Singer Chris Brown says paparazzi caused him to crash his car into a wall in Beverly Hills Saturday night. Wonder how long it will be before Brown denies hitting the wall.

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459,000 people are without power after Nemo. 459,040 when the NY Mets set their active roster after Spring Training.

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Nemo snow total in Central Park – 11 inches. Otherwise known as a Subway Foot.

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Northwestern has announced they will play 5 football games over the next several years at Wrigley Field. Said coach Pat Fitzgerald, “I don’t think anyone has ever had a bad day at Wrigley Field.” He clearly forgot about the guys wearing Cubs uniforms.

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On Friday, USC fired their football offensive coordinator. Because nothing, ever is Lane Kiffin’s fault.

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Tiger Woods has apparently been spending a lot of time with Lindsey Vonn since her skiing accident. Makes sense for Tiger, since Vonn is on crutches, there’s zero chance if it goes south that she can wield a golf club.

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The Boston Red Sox announced that outfield prospect Bryce Brentz accidentally shot himself in the leg last month. The NRA immediately called for legs to be armed.

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Ann Coulter is angry at PBS’s Mark Shields for calling her “The Marie Antoinette of the Conservative press corps.” She’s right. Shields should have called her their Louis XVI.

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There is now a $1 million bounty on fugitive ex-LA cop Charles Dorner. Thinking if you’re a large African-American man in Big Bear might be a good time to take a week away.

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Lindsey Graham said today he’ll block Obama’s nominees for Defense Secretary and CIA director if the White House doesn’t provide more information about Benghazi. Where was Graham’s outrage over, for example, the alleged WMDs?

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Los Angeles Lakers vs. Miami Heat Sunday.   ABC could have probably gotten even more viewers if NBA basketball games had the possible outcome of both teams losing.

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Former V.P Dick Cheney that President Barack Obama has jeopardized U.S. national security by nominating substandard candidates for key cabinet posts. I guess Cheney is still bitter that we’re not in the second term of a McCain-Palin administration.

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Three people died in a helicopter crash near Los Angeles while filming a reality show. Many Americans upon hearing the news had two reactions. 1. How horrible. 2. If it had to happen shame it wasn’t during a date on “The Bachelor.”

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Snow place like home.

February 9, 2013

The New York Knicks, in Minnesota tonight, and the Los Angeles Clippers, in Miami, may not be able to make it to New York in time for their nationally televised game on Sunday. So will David Stern try to fine Mother Nature?

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Meanwhile Roger Goodell somewhere may be asking ‘Just hypothetically, how much would it cost to put a temporary roof on the Meadowlands, just for say, one Sunday in 2014..”

(suddenly that little 34 minute delay at the Super Dome doesn’t seem so bad.)

 

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The Boston Red Sox and MLB apparently are saying that Curt Schilling’s claim that someone on the Red Sox medical staff suggested he take PED’s in 2008 is “completely baseless.” Translation: Nobody put anything in writing.

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Up in Boston, things are colder than Curt Schilling’s current relations with the Red Sox.

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Despite the imminent blizzard, Justin Bieber fans have remained camped out in New York City in hopes of getting tickets for his SNL appearance.  While it would be awful if anyone died, at least they WOULD be removed from the gene pool before breeding.

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Prices at the pump are going up again. Soon the only opportunity for cheap gas may be Taco Bell’s “Value Menu.”

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NY Yankees GM Brian Cashman will pay over $1 million a year in alimony and child support to ex-wife. $1 million a year? For that, the Yankees could almost pay a month’s salary to a middling reliever.

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There’s been an increasing rash of thefts of smartphones lately, especially Apple products. I see a new marketing slogan for Blackberry – “thieves don’t want our phones.”.

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You know it’s been a down year when Los Angeles Lakers fans are excited about a comeback against the Charlotte Bobcats.

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Shawn Marion said that if the Dallas Mavericks trade him to a bad team he won’t go. Wouldn’t it be simpler in that case for Marion just to say he had a shoulder injury?

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Six GOP governors have now at least partially changed their mind about Obamacare and have decided to accept expanding Medicaid for their state’s health insurance programs. Proving again the axiom that “the only truly wasteful government spending is spending that doesn’t benefit me personally.”

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A report on the Sandusky case commissioned by the Paterno family will be released Sunday. According to Sue Paterno, the report will defend her late husband, and question both the Freeh report and the NCAA’s sanctions against Penn State. Even Lance Armstrong is thinking “Give it up already.”

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Hal Steinbrenner said today he’s “concerned about A-Rod.” And millions of Yankees fans said “What took you so long?”

 

 

Condoleezza Rice hit a woman in the head with a shot during the Pebble Beach Pro-Am yesterday. Who knew the former Secretary of State had aspirations to be Vice President?

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Getting what you pay for?

February 8, 2013

As another blizzard bears down upon the East Coast, after dumping snow and ice on the Midwest, those high California tax rates are looking more and more like a bargain.

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Some might be surprised that Monopoly chose to add a cat token. But the Humane Society did note that 33% of U.S. households own at least one cat. Though they have said “are owned BY at least one cat.”

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Kobe Bryant, talking about Dwight Howard, says he should play with pain. As opposed to Bryant’s longtime Laker teammates who have played with a pain.

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Dwight Howard is firing back at teammates who say he should be playing. The Lakers center said before tonight that just as soon as his shoulder has healed he will be back on the court, regularly, and once again demanding a trade.

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After Dwight Howard returned for tonight’s Lakers-Celtics game,  which Boston won 116-95,  wonder if Kobe Bryant will tell Howard to relax and take more time off.

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For 5 weeks in a row, the #1 team in college basketball has lost. This title is getting to be as short-lived as #3 in Al-Qaeda.

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Chris Christie told the White House doctor who expressed concern about his weight to “shut up.” If not, the N.J. governor may threaten to sit on her.

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The Oakland Raiders are putting a tarp over “Mt. Davis,” the stadium section which destroyed views for As fans when it was built when the football team returned from L.A. A tarp?! Really!? Wouldn’t it be more effective to use dynamite?

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The Grammys have sent out a memo for stars and performers asking that “buttocks and female breasts” be “adequately covered…Bare sides or under curvature of the breasts is also problematic. Please avoid sheer see-through clothing that could possibly expose female breast nipples.” That crash you heard was ratings for potential straight male viewers.

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Kristin Cavallari, who is engaged to Jay Cutler, said the Bears QB proposed to her via text message. Well, that ought to do wonders for Cutler’s 4th place finish in the “most disliked” athlete poll.

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You can’t make this *stuff” up dept: The Rockies’ Todd Helton, who signed a $141.50 million contract in 2001, was arrested for DUI this weekend. According to police, Helton was arrested at a gas station, where he had gone to buy….lottery tickets.

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The times, they are a changin’…. Quote from Curt Schilling, a conservative who’s supported GOP candidate and toyed with running for Senate: “I’ve never understood this ‘issue’ with gay players? Who cares? I know I played with some, their sexual orientation never had much to to do with how they hit with RISP, or pitched in late & close situations, why the hell would what they do in the bedroom ever matter?”

So with the latest allegations out of Florida, maybe fantasy baseball leagues should add a bonus category – first major leaguer to be suspended in 2013 for PEDs?  And readers, feel free to put your guess in comments – no prizes – just bragging rights:

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Got a little list?

February 7, 2013

As MLB continues its investigation of Anthony Bosch and his Florida “Biogenesis” clinic, many ballplayers have to long for a more innocent time. When the list they would have been most worried to find their name on, might have been belonged to an upscale brothel.

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And while people are starting their fantasy leagues, wonder who’ll start the pool for the first major league to be suspended in 2013. No doubt for a tainted supplement.

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So now that Ryan Braun’s name has surfaced in connection with that PED clinic in Florida, how long until the Brewers’ star appears on Oprah?

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Monopoly is getting rid of the iron token and replacing it with a cat token. Plan on the cat token always disappearing when you want to play with it, and then showing up in the way of other pieces right in the middle of the board.

(my son Carey Schwartz points out that the cat token will no doubt refuse to stop on Water Works.)

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Despite all the recent headllines Manti T’eo only fell from#6 to #12 on ESPN draft analyst Mel Kiper’s big board. And have to assume T’eo’s stock soared in fantasy football.

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From T.C.  “Manti Te’o says he’s going to take some time off Twitter. This is so he can spend more time on his Facebook Farm.”

 

The joys of a 74 yr. old governor with no aspirations for higher office and nothing to prove anymore: Jerry Brown, when asked about a $24,000 radio ad Rick Perry ran in Calif. promoting doing business in Texas: “Its not a serious story guys, It’s like a little radio ad and you guys run like lap dogs to report it. … It’s not a burp, it’s barely a fart.”

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The British House of Commons voted 400 to 175 to legalize gay marriage. So when they sing “God Save the Queen,” guess Elton John is included.

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Idaho State Sen. John Goedde has come up with a bill requiring students to read Ayn Rand’s “Atlas Shrugged” as a high school graduation requirement. Right. The book is 1088 pages. Wonder how many legislators have read it.

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There are reports that Kim Kardashian’s doctor believes her unborn baby could be at risk due to the stress of her divorce from Kris Humphries. Another sad result for society as a result of indiscriminately allowing heterosexual marriage.

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Well, spring training may be right around the corner but clearly Americans haven’t quite turned their full attention to baseball. Forbes released their list of the most disliked athletes, and A-Rod is only #6.

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Many Americans are upset about the Post Office’s decision to stop delivering mail on Saturdays. In fact, millions of them are posting on Facebook or Twitter about it.

 

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A couple thoughts about this “gays in the Boy Scouts” controversy. First, all the stories about teachers and students should remind people that sexual orientation is no guarantee against inappropriate relations or even conversations. Second, there have always been gays in the Boy Scouts, it’s just a question of whether or not they are open about it….

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MVP’ED?

February 6, 2013

Have to figure a whole lot of voters feel even better today about that choice of Buster Posey for 2012 NL MVP:   Per Jeff Passan of Yahoo Sports “Ryan Braun’s name is in the records of the Florida clinic alleged to have distributed PED’s to a rash of baseball players, and MLB will investigate….

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Ryan Braun now admits he’s on client list of alleged PED specialist Anthony Bosch but says it’s only because his lawyers used Bosch as a consultant. Guess Braun prefers that to saying he’d gone to Bosch on behalf of his imaginary girlfriend?

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Dwight Howard was already on the bench, Metta World Peace was suspended and Pau Gasol injured his foot. Yet the Los Angeles Lakers beat the Brooklyn Nets 92-83 tonight. If Kobe Bryant gets hurt, maybe this team can win it all.

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The Oscar producers say that for this year’s telecast they’re trying to cut out the boring parts. So should we expect a half hour ceremony?

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This discovery of Richard III’s bones has re-ignited the discussion over whether the English monarch was a murderer. With all due respect, until about 1700 weren’t all of them?

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Donald Trump is suing Bill Maher for $5 million since Maher hasn’t paid off after saying he would write a check to charity if Trump could prove he’s not the son of an orangutan. In Bill’s defense, the Donald hasn’t yet shown a birth certificate for that furry thing that lives on his head.

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The New York Mets’ owners want to open a Vegas-style casino next to Citi Field. What? Hoping to see a good game after buying high-priced Mets tickets isn’t enough of a gamble?.

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A new study found that men who watched more than 20 hours a week of television had sperm counts that were 44 percent lower than those who seldom watched. “Really, honey, of course I want to put down the remote, but I’m trying to save us money on birth control.”

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LB Brandon Joiner, 23, who signed with Cincinnati in May, is finally officially now a Bengals rookie after serving an 8 month prison term for a 2007 robbery. Making him the first Bengals player to get his conviction out of the way before joining the team?

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So in light of the Richard III skeleton discovery should we rewrite Shakespeare’s line “My kingdom for someone who can validate my parking ticket?”

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For anyone going through NFL withdrawal who’s not a baseball fan, cheer up, we’re only about 75 days away from the first month of the NBA playoffs.

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Can’t win them all.

February 5, 2013

For all those feeling inadequate because they can’t be good at everything, may I remind you that Nate Silver, after erring with his predicted Patriots-Seahawks Super Bowl, regrouped to pick the 49ers to win yesterday.

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While the team got it back, reports are that the Baltimore Ravens actually lost track of the Super Bowl Trophy last night. Might be the last time John Harbaugh asks “Bro, can you watch my stuff?”

 

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Rick Santorum on allowing gays into the Boy Scouts: “Scouting may not survive this transformation of society, but for the sake of the average boy in America, I hope the board of the Scouts doesn’t have its fingerprints on the murder weapon.” Wow. Fortunately Christianity will no doubt survive Rick Santorum.

 

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says that NJ Gov. Chris Christie is “already hard at work” to avoid a repeat Super Bowl power outage next year. Presumably with a strong disincentive for anyone to screw up. Four words – “Concrete shoes Hudson River.”

(ot even less PC, if people screw up Christie is threatening to sit on them.)

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SF RB Frank Gore says he feels the 49ers “showed we were the better team. It was just a couple plays here, a couple plays there.” Probably the same thing the Atlanta Falcons felt a couple weeks ago.

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Las Vegas prosecutors have decided not to charge SF Giants pitcher Sergio Romo after he got into an New Year’s Day argument with TSA officials over showing his identification at the airport. Must have been a tough call, as police have so few real other problems to deal with in Las Vegas…

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John McCain told people to “lighten up” after he was accused of racism for putting a joke on Twitter joke comparing Iranian Pres. Ahmadinejad to a monkey. Shocking! John McCain knows how to tweet?

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Can’t imagine why the U.S. Post Office is losing money. Line out the door at the local branch, Monday afternoon, and their response is to close two of four windows….

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In Manhattan, a former Navy SEAL is recruiting women who are military veterans to work as nannies. Well this ought to liven up disputes at Little League and soccer games.

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Leave the non-call aside, when the 49ers got to 1st and goal at the 7 yesterday, anyone else reminded of Cal-Stanford 2009, when Jim Harbaugh’s refusal to give Toby Gerhart the ball at the Bears 13 yd line cost the Cardinal the game, and perhaps Gerhart himself the Heisman?

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Reports are that Candlestick Park will be imploded after next year’s SF 49ers season is over. Responded most MLB teams, “Only about 30 years too late.”

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A little Super Bowl sidelight. For millions and millions of Americans that potential non-call in the endzone with the 49ers driving towards a go-ahead TD was irrelevant. Had SF made it, and even gone for 2, they still wouldn’t have covered the 4 point spread.

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From Marc Ragovin, a joke for disgruntled 49ers fans:  “What is the difference between the NFL and WWE?”

“One stages sporting exhibitions with predetermined results aided by complicit referees, while the other features The Rock.”

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Jeez, Ray Lewis on that 2000 double murder ” God don’t use people who commit anything like that for His glory. If our system took the time to really investigate what happened 13 years ago, maybe they would have got to the bottom line truth.” So now that Lewis is retiring will he do an O.J. hunt for the real killers?

 

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When the lights go down, in the city….

February 3, 2013

If San Francisco 49ers came back to win this Super Bowl would players have voted a game share to the Superdome electricians?

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They may have lost in the end but San Francisco 49ers came close enough to taking the lead in the fourth quarter that  the Baltimore Ravens almost sent a coach to see if they could pull the plug on the Superdome lights again.

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Meanwhile on Fox News wonder how long it took them to blame the power outage on Obama?

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Super Bowl XLVII is over. The Super Bowl XLVIII pregame show starts tomorrow.

 

And across America how many dads are telling their daughters, “No, you are NOT dressing as Beyonce next Halloween”?

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Jim Harbaugh’s oldest child is an assistant coach for the Baltimore Ravens. Thinking Jay is not in line this year for a warm fuzzy Valentine’s Day card from father to son..

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The 49ers were called for an illegal formation on the first play of the Super Bowl. If anyone needed proof that you can over think sports…

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Roger Goodell said this morning he would “absolutely” let his son play football. Brave words from a man with two daughters.

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On “Face the Nation”, Goodell declined to confirm that there is a proven connection between the football and medical problems in retired players. Even Bud Selig is thinking “How deliberately oblivious can you be?”

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Hearing about Wayne LaPierre getting attacked on Fox News for his extreme views on guns… It’s enough to make you wonder if there should be a mental health requirement to be an NRA executive.

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John Harbaugh, taking a safety and running the clock down to 4 seconds at the end of the Super Bowl – basically telling his younger brother “Age and treachery can overcome youth and skill.”

 

At the end, all SF 49ers needed to win Super Bowl was the Stanford Band.

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New Orleans City Council Pres. Stacy Head said tonight she hoped power outage wouldn’t hurt the city’s 2018 Super Bowl bid, adding she would rather sit through a temporary power outage than watch a 3 hour game in sub-freezing temperature. Your move, Chris Christie.

 

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The logic that says you do or don’t make a call based on where you are in an NFL game makes the balk call in baseball look reasonable.

 

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All this controversy over Chuck Hagel as potential Defense secretary. Well, suppose it’s what President Obama gets for nominating a Democrat with no military experience. Uh, wait… never mind.

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It’s almost over.

February 3, 2013

Are you ready for some commercials?

 

Another reason baseball is still the greatest American game: Even with expanded playoffs, no two week delay between the ALCS/NLCS and the World Series.

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Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, rumored to be in line for a Cabinet position, said that he’s “flattered and humbled” by the speculation, but that he is “firmly committed” to staying in Los Angeles and finishing his term. Translation, Obama didn’t ask him.

 

 

The inventor of the Etch a Sketch has died. Have to assume Obama sent flowers. Mitt Romney’s advisor saying the campaign was “like an Etch a Sketch, you can shake it up and start all over again” might have won the President a million votes in 2012.

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Math joke for the night.  The joke being that this is real:  Great Safeway Club “special” today on “Fancy Feast Appetizers” cat food. Normally 5 for $7, Club Members only pay $1.39 each.

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Scandal in the U.K, where Burger King has admitted that some of their burgers contained horsemeat. McDonald’s at least is innocent, as no one has accused their burgers of containing ANY meat.

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Nebraska Lt. Gov. Rick Sheehy resigned today, after the Omaha World-Herald reported in the last 4 years he had made over 2,000 late-night telephone calls to 4 women (none of which were his wife) on his STATE-ISSUED CELLPHONE. Forget morals, this guy is too stupid to be in office.

 

 

Good news bad news for NFL fans. The bad news, after Sunday there will be no regular season games until Sept 2013. The good news, for the next eight months you don’t have to pretend you like guacamole.

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Texas Gov. Rick Perry said that the Boy Scouts of America should not soften its strict policy barring gay members, saying “to have popular culture impact 100 years of their standards is inappropriate.” Popular culture? Guessing Perry wasn’t exactly an avid student of Greek History.

 

Last thought for the night; if one were to start a rush to catch up on Downton Abbey with several episodes each weekend, it might not take long for cats to rush downstairs when they hear the theme song for lap time. Hypothetically speaking.

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The Shadow Knows?

February 2, 2013

So I’m a bit confused, if Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow today, does that mean we’re in for six more weeks of Super Bowl hype?

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Although really, aren’t the two weeks between the AFC-NFC championship and the Super Bowl just a media version of “Groundhog Day?”

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A terrified and disoriented coyote found wandering San Francisco’s Mission District is apparently recovering at a local wildlife center. City officials are warning people again not to trust ACME products.

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Get out the hankies and violins: Lebron James, talking about taking only $17.5 million from the Heat to help Miami stay under the cap. “Financially, I’ll sacrifice for the team. It shows for some of the top guys, it isn’t all about money.” Forbes estimates James earns $40 million per year in endorsements and sponsorships.

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Harvard University said that 60 students, including some athletes, were suspended over a cheating scandal involving a take-home exam. In the SEC football players are asking “What’s an exam?”

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In one of their upcoming Super Bowl Budweiser commercials, Anheuser-Busch plans to use a one week old Clydesdale foal. Even the Chinese say “that’s putting them to work a bit young.”

(open note to readers, dare you to watch that commercial without tearing up, seriously.)

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A line from one of the speeches made about Hillary Clinton on her last day as Secretary of State: “John Kerry has some very large Manolo Blahniks to fill.” Women responded “Hillary wears Manolo Blahniks?” And men responded “What the heck ARE Manolo Blahniks?”

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Uh, maybe he could have chosen different words: Tenn. State Senator Stacey Campfield says he wishes the gay community would just leave the straight people alone … saying, “We don’t wanna hear about it every day … quit trying to ram it down everybody’s throats …

 

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The Dow closed over 14,000 today. And down in La Jolla, Mitt Romney is looking at his portfolio and thinking “Hmm, maybe Ann and I should have voted for Obama.”

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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg: “Not sure it was in the best sportsmanship how San Francisco came up with a motto for this Super Bowl” “The Forty Niners. We know nobody on our team killed anybody.”
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R.I.P. Ed Koch. How can you not love a man who referred to Donald Trump as “piggy?”

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Countdown.

February 1, 2013

Only two days left until Super Bowl Sunday. Then most Americans can get back to our regular winter sports pastimes – ignoring the regular seasons for the NBA and NHL, and counting the days until March Madness and MLB Opening Day.

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The NY Post is reporting that Hall of Fame QB Dan Marino had a “love child” with a CBS employee in 2005. Just goes to show what can happen when you let heterosexual men play football.

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January 31 was Jackie Robinson’s birthday. And before Robinson joined the Dodgers, many thought a black man’s presence in the clubhouse would be as disruptive for his fellow teammates as some still think a openly gay man’s presence would be today.

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And wow, Randy Moss actually said something intelligent Thursday  morning. On having a gay teammate: “It’s not 1979 anymore, it’s 2013. We should accept everyone.” (Quote from my friend Art Spander.)

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Meanwhile the 49ers’ Chris Culliver now says his anti-gay remarks were “in a joking manner.”  Culliver went to University of South Carolina.  Guess you can take the man out of the SEC….

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Baltimore Ravens safety Ed Reed said today that the NFL is fining players for the wrong things. Wonder how long it will take the league to fine him for saying that.

 

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CNN.com reports Dutch airline Transavia is investigating a copilot who fell asleep in the cockpit when the pilot took a bathroom break. The article says “Laws regarding pilot breaks during flights vary from country to country. For U.S. carriers, sleeping while at the controls is a violation of FAA regulations.” Uh, could we get a list of countries where it’s NOT a violation?

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New Jersey Sen. Robert Menendez’s office said unsubstantiated allegations that the senator engaged in sex with prostitutes in the Dominican Republic are false. Wonder what that means about prostitutes outside of the Dominican Republic.

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Sources say Alex Rodriguez is unlikely to play again in a New York Yankees uniform. “What a shame” said absolutely no Yankees fans.

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While her crew and band will be paid, Beyonce herself apparently will not receive payment for her Super Bowl performance. But the NFL and Pepsi will pick up production costs. Wonder if that includes the costs of pre-recording a tape?

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From T.C.  “Beyonce is rehearsing the Super Bowl half time show by practising lip syncing both her own and Madonna’s songs. Just in case a malfunction plays last year’s soundtrack.”

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Phil Mickelson shot a 60 today, in a golf tournament called “Waste Management Phoenix Open.” “The Waste Management Open?” That’s almost as good as the late-lamented Poulan Weed Eater Bowl.

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On a serious note, for this statement today alone I’d like to see Chuck Hagel confirmed as Secretary of Defense: “Our war in Iraq I think was the most fundamentally bad, dangerous decision since Vietnam.”.

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Where’s the tape?

January 30, 2013

SF 49ers CB Chris Culliver in a pre-Super Bowl radio interview: “I don’t do the gay guys man. No, we don’t got no gay people on the team, they gotta get up out of here if they do.” Proving again, that for all the protective tape put on NFL players’ elbows and knees, sometimes where they really need it is on their mouths.

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Chris Culliver, followup statement: “The derogatory comments I made yesterday were a reflection of thoughts in my head, but they are not how I feel. It has taken me seeing them in print to realize that they are hurtful and ugly. Those discriminating feelings are truly not in my heart. Further, I apologize to those who I have hurt and offended, and I pledge to learn and grow from this experience.”

Right, and if Culliver actually wrote that Manti T’eo is online dating again.

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Another mouth in search of tape:  Or is it the humility that makes him the all-time best? Randy Moss today: “If Joe Blow would have said it, I do not know if it would have been in USA Today. Since Randy Moss said it, it is front of the sports page. Like I said, I just try to stay humble and do my job. But I do believe in my heart and my mind I am the greatest to ever do it.”

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The deer-antler spray controversy continues. And there’s a chance Ray Lewis will be the player after the Super Bowl who says “I’m going to Disneyland.”  Just in case someone keep that man away from Bambi.

 

Apparently this newly popular deer antler spray is an ancient Chinese healing method. Right, because China has produced so many Hall of Fame football players….

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Rumor has it that the NY Yankees are looking at the latest PED allegations swirling around Alex Rodriguez as a way to void his contract. Of course, A-Rod could look at his recent history with the Yankees as evidence that his performance has clearly not been enhanced.

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Jim Nabors, 82, finally married his male partner of 38 years. Well, Gollllll-y!

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SF 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh said on Super Bowl media day “A lot of time is used on the Facebooking and the Tweeter” and “my personal opinion is it’s a time drain.” So wonder how many millions have taken time to post his comments.

 

Nate Silver is now predicting a 49ers win in the Super Bowl. That same game that he predicted two weeks ago would be between the Seahawks and Patriots.

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In Mississippi, two Tea Party lawmakers want to create a permanent committee to nullify any federal laws the state does not want to follow. Okay, if Mississippi wants to be independent can the rest of the U.S. also then stop any federal money going to the state?

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The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention say that leafy greens such as lettuce, spinach and kale cause the most food-borne illnesses. And kids across the U.S. are forwarding this story to their parents saying “See!”

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Oh deer…. antler spray.

January 29, 2013

Randy Moss said today that he thinks he’s “the greatest receiver to ever do it.” Even Terrell Owens is thinking “Check that man for concussions.”

 

An orangutan at the Fresno Zoo picked the SF 49ers to win the Super Bowl by choosing a red and gold blanket out of a box. But how unscientific. Where’s Paul the Octopus when we really need him?

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All these Super Bowl prop bets, who’ll score first, how many rushing yards for Colin Kaepernick, how many field goals, etc… So who’s laying odds on how many stupid things Randy Moss can say between today and Sunday?

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So let me get this straight… Joe Flacco is getting more grief Super Bowl week for calling playing next year’s game in NJ “retarded,” which he quickly corrected, than Ray Lewis is getting about those two guys who ended up stabbed to death in 2000?    And Ray himself is only getting grief about…. deer antler spray. 

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(If Bonds says he thought it was flaxseed oil, wonder what Lewis will say the spray was..)

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But seriously, not condoning cheating. On the other hand, AAA minor league baseball minimum salary is $2150 a month, for six months. Major league minimum salary is $490,000 a year. Wonder how many of us would turn down a drug that would increase our salaries that much?

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Roger Goodell had a news conference in New York City about the 2014 Super Bowl, which will be played at MetLife Stadium in New Jersey, and talked about the forecast for 50 degree weather this weekend. Uh, yeah, and Goodell conveniently forgot the 10 degree weather in NJ LAST weekend.

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A judge upheld San Francisco’s public nudity ban, saying that requiring people to wear clothing doesn’t violate the First Amendment. Can that same judge rule on spandex next? (As a favorite bumper sticker said ‘Spandex, it’s a privilege, not a right.”)

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Mormon-owned Marriott International has joined an coalition to repeal DOMA, (the Defense of Marriage Act.) Forget politics, needing to put heads in beds REALLY makes for strange bedfellows.

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In Delaware last weekend Ada Bryant, 97, married Robert Haire, 89. The bride is keeping her name. Because, hey, you never know. What if she gets tired of him or something?.

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Ashley Judd is ending her 11 year marriage to Indy 500 winner Dario Franchitti. Women are thinking “How sad, it was such a romantic story.” And men are thinking “There’s renewed hope!”

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Alex Rodriguez has been implicated in another potential PED scandal, but he denies using any drugs recently. And why should we doubt a man who already told us in 2009 that the only time he lied about using illegal PEDs was from 2001-03.

 

 

American Airlines is being investigated by the FAA for allegedly flying a 757 for two months with emergency exits blocked by misaligned passenger seats. So expect a new question from flight attendants: “In case of an emergency, are you willing and able to unbolt your seats and then open the exit door?”

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Former GOP congressman Ray LaHood is stepping down as Transportation Secretary, but says he thought it was “the best job” he’s ever had in public service, and that he liked working for Obama. Is LaHood also trying to get kicked out of the Republican party?

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Soy what?

January 28, 2013

Okay, you read some crazy things Super Bowl week. But nothing will probably top this opening paragraph: ” Former SF 49ers and Oakland Raiders offensive tackle Kwame Harris will appear in San Mateo County Superior Court today on charges he assaulted his former boyfriend at a Menlo Park restaurant during an argument over soy sauce and underwear.

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In San Francisco the most common reaction has to be “He’s gay? Who cares?” But really, fighting over soy sauce? Now truffle oil or balsamic vinegar, maybe….”

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The best thing about being only a week away from the Super Bowl… It means we’re only about two weeks away from pitchers and catchers reporting.

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Miss Alabama, Katherine Webb, has now been chosen by “Inside Edition” to cover the Super Bowl. Wonder how many other beauty queens are sending their pictures to Brent Musberger.

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Not typos. The Stanford women beat Cal in rugby 38-0 last weekend, then the Stanford men went out and lost to Cal 176-0. Uh, maybe the men and women should have switched opponents to make the matches more competitive.

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Boston’s Rajon Rondo will miss the rest of the season with an torn ACL. Which means the Celtics may well meet the Lakers in the playoffs again, on a nice couch somewhere.

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New Jets GM John Idzik said today “I feel comfortable with Mark (Sanchez) being a Jet.” Great, so does the rest of the AFC East.

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The Miami Heat visited the White House today. Wonder if Lebron asked also for a visit to the Capitol. Congress might be the only group that makes James’ decision making look good.

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How to explain the appeal of “The Bachelor/Bachelorette” to otherwise sane people? When you spend a couple of hours watching these idiots your nearest and dearest look a lot better by comparison.

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Okay, is there some rule that says on every one of these Bachelor seasons some contestant has to freak out with some variation of “you’re with these other girls and it hurts?” Waiting for a Bachelor to respond “You’ve seen the show, what the bleep did you expect?”

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Conservative multimillionaire Foster Friess spent heavily to back Rick Santorum’s 2012 presidential campaign. and says he will do it again in 2016. And they say Democrats waste money.

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It’s just been reported that SF 49ers QB Alex Smith will ask for his release. “I’m shocked,” said absolutely no one.

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In response to complaints from the Center for Science in the Public Interest, Taco Bell pulled ads for their taco 12-pack, which said that bringing a vegetable tray is “like punting on 4th and 1, It’s a cop-out and secretly, people kind of hate you for it.”

Right,  because one reason people look forward all year to the Super Bowl is for an afternoon of healthy eating.

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From Jim Barach – “Rabbits are causing problems at Denver International Airport by chewing on the wires of cars in the parking lots. Airport officials say those rabbits shouldn’t even be there. They belong at O’Hare.”

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West coast wimps.

January 27, 2013

Although San Diego weather is in the 60s, officials at the Farmers Insurance golf tournament  had to delay the third round for fog. And folks on the frozen east coast are thinking, just STFU.

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USC’s men’s basketball team lost to Arizona 74-50 Saturday night, and after being down by as much as 34. Normally when the Trojans are this embarrassed in a sporting event, Stanford football is involved.

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Paul Ryan told Republicans  “We have to stay united.” Shocking. Ryan thinks the GOP has been united?

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Now former Fox News commentator Sarah Palin said conservatives “can’t just preach to the choir” and must instead “broaden our reach.” Well, I’m sure Jon Stewart would have her on the Daily Show anytime….

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Many were surprised to see Hillary Clinton looking so comfortable with President Obama on “60 Minutes.” But on the other hand, Barack has done a lot more for Hillary’s reputation than the last Democratic president.

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Just how unwatchable a game is the Pro Bowl?   Many men probably decided Sunday they’d rather join their wives and watch the U.S. Figure Skating championships.

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Isn’t “Pro Bowl joke”   redundant?

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President Obama said that NFL players are grown men who are “well-compensated for the violence they do to their bodies”, but that college players with concussions “have nothing to fall back on. That’s something that I’d like to see the NCAA think about.” Responded the NCAA, sorry, we’re too busy looking into free meals and tattoos.

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In York PA, David Kime, who died at 88, loved Burger King so much that his funeral procession went through the drive-thru window. Family and friends all got a Whopper Jr., and one of the burgers was placed on his casket. But just think, had Kime avoided junk food he might have lived until 89.

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Remind me again why there are two weeks between the AFC/NFC Championships and the Super Bowl…    So we can have scintillating ESPN headlines like this? “Ravens wrap last home practice, pack gear.”

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Can we let Texas secede, please? Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) dismissed Obama’s nominees Chuck Hagel and John Kerry as “very prominently less than ardent fans of the U.S. military.” Right, and neither of these combat VETERANS know anything about the military.

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From T.C.  on next year’s Super Bowl being played outdoors in New Jersey: “Watch for SB XLVIIIBRRRR.”

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Bust to hell time:

A Secret Service dog accidentally fell six stories off a roof and died last night in New Orleans while working an event featuring V.P. Joe Biden. Either that or the poor dog got so tired of listening to Biden that he committed suicide.

Alternative version:    “The Secret Service plans to teach their dogs never again to ask directions from the local cats…”

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If you’re unhappy and you know it….

January 26, 2013

New York Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie supported QB Mark Sanchez by saying “When you don’t have a supporting cast, you’re going to get an average or below-average quarterback.” Well, actually the Jets had a great supporting cast, aka “Les Miserables.”

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Lance Armstrong’s lawyer told the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency that the cyclist will help ”clean up cycling.”    Makes as much sense as Bill Clinton signing the “Defense of Marriage Act.”

 

Titus Young, who has been sent home from the Detroit Lions 3 times in 2 years for insubordination, is now saying things on Twitter like “Oh I’m not done, if y’all going to cut me let me go” and threatening to retire if he doesn’t get the football. Even T.O. is thinking “Just STFU.”

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Dwight Howard on the Los Angeles Lakers: “Negativity just got to stop. I’m sick of hearing about it. We got to bring some positivity to the situation.” (And no doubt thinking “Especially because it’s harming my value on the free agent market when I’m out of here next season”)

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UCLA’s compliance department is investigating basketball star Shabazz Muhammad’s Gucci backpack, which the freshman wore it yesterday on television after the Arizona game. Uh, this one’s easy for Muhammad, just say he got the backpack on Canal Street on a trip to New York.

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This may only make sense to frequent fliers, but United Airlines has decided that 30 minutes is enough time at JFK airport to connect from their flight to a Swiss flight. Terminal 7 to Terminal 4. Really?! You’d have a better chance of seeing Tim Tebow lead the Jets to a Super Bowl.

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Sarah Palin, who has been a contributor to Fox News since 2010, is leaving the network, saying that it is her decision. Didn’t know Palin had signed a 6 year contract.

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Carl Pavano will be out for six to eight weeks after rupturing spleen shoveling show at home in Vermont. Hearing this the SF Giants breathed a sigh of relief that Jeremy Affeldt lives in Arizona.

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The California Highway Patrol says a naked woman has been arrested after allegedly driving her car into her fiance. How long until we can expect a made-for-tv movie starring Lindsay Lohan?

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Mark Zuckerberg is having a fundraiser at his home for Chris Christie. But given the New Jersey governor’s penchant for controversial statements, how long until Mark changes this relationship status to “It’s complicated.”

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Four U.S. men have now filed class action suits against Subway for fraud over their 11 inch “footlong” sandwiches. If these clowns don’t want to end up paying court costs for frivolous lawsuits they’d better hope no defense lawyer can find ex-girlfriends who might testify to their own exaggerated inches.

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Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal yesterday ” We’ve got to stop being the stupid party. It’s time for a new Republican Party that talks like adults.” Looks like he’s racing Chris Christie to see who can get thrown out of the GOP first.

 

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Yankees GM Brian Cashman thinks there’s “a chance” Alex Rodriguez could miss the whole season. Which means the third baseman could come as close to leading New York to another World Championship as he did in 2012.

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Cold days…

January 25, 2013

Icy cold temperatures are still blanketing the Northeast. But back in Southern California the only serious frost remaining is between Kobe Bryant and Dwight Howard.

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It’s an axiom in business that no one is irreplaceable. And somewhere Steve Jobs is thinking “Wrong again, suckers.”

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In a radio interview today about the Super Bowl, Jackie Harbaugh said. “I know one is going to win and one is going to lose but I really would like it to end in a tie. Can the NFL do that?” Paging Bud Selig!

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Sammy Sosa thinks he belongs in the Baseball Hall of Fame. Even Manti T’eo thinks “that’s delusional.”

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Hardest thing to believe about this Manti T’eo story? Maybe that in a era of “friends with benefits,” a young man who is a good looking star athlete would be willing to have a girlfriend without benefits.

 

The San Jose Sharks are 3-0. Which means that despite the strike the team is still ready to have a great season and then disappoint their fans in the playoffs.

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Asked a question about John Boehner’s contention that Obama is trying to annihilate the GOP, White House spokesman Jay Carney said that is not the President’s goal, and that he “would object” if the GOP was destroyed. What he didn’t add was “anyway, the Republicans seem to be doing a good job of that on their own.”

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John Mackey, CEO of Whole Foods, told Mother Jones, “Climate change is perfectly natural and not necessarily bad.” Wonder the reaction if you quoted that line at Whole Foods to the cashier next time you forget to bring your own bag.

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American Idol has done the impossible – make most Americans miss Paula Adbul.

 

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Two men are suing Lance Armstrong and his book publishers for fraud and false advertising because they say his two memoirs are full of lies. Wonder how long it will take bookstores to move all remaining copies to the “Fantasy” section.

or, (with an assist from my friend James Brady), considering the biotech involved, maybe the books should be in the “Science Fiction” section…

 

Did she or didn’t she? Now some say Beyonce was not lip-synching at President Obama’s inaugural, but just singing along to a pre-recorded track. How long until the GOP calls for a congressional investigation?

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In New Mexico, state Rep. Cathrynn Brown introduced a bill where a woman who aborted a pregnancy resulting from rape would be charged with a felony for “tampering with evidence.” Wow. Proving that today’s GOP doesn’t even need men to be anti-woman.

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